EP 17: Mom Guilt & God's Grace: A Survival Guide

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
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(00:20):
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(00:42):
M-o-m at gmailcom.
It's time to put the kids tobed, so y'all get ready for
another episode of For ShittyMoms.
All right, everyone, welcomeback to another episode of FSM.
I'm your host, dr Lori, andtoday we have a special guest.

(01:04):
So, without further ado, I'mgoing to pass over the mic and
let our guest introduce herselfto all of you guys, and we're
going to jump into the episode.

Speaker 2 (01:15):
All right.
So hey everyone, my name isMarquisa Tassie.
I'm originally from DelrayBeach, florida.
I'm a proud mom to a teenageson named Sincere, and I'm
excited to be here and thank youso much for joining us today.

Speaker 1 (01:36):
Typically, I like to give our guests an opportunity
to really highlight what they'redoing in their life, give a
little background to how theycame about to be in the
positions that they're in rightnow.
You are from my hometown aswell, so that gives a little

(01:58):
insight into our history, ourinsight, and I do follow you on
social media, so I've had theopportunity for years now to
really just follow your journey,your story.
I think it's incredible witheverything that you do.
Sometimes I categorize moms aslike super moms, because they

(02:21):
really do a lot in addition tojust parenting and working, and
you do that and so much more.
So I'm familiar with your story, but our guests and our fans
may not be.
So I just want you to give alittle insight into some of the

(02:43):
things that you do, because Iknow just from me following you,
you're definitely into yourfitness journey.
You are a published author, youdo a lot of advocacy.
It seems like you do a lot ofself-care and just exploring,

(03:03):
and I see a lot of things.
Sometimes that looks like youjust know how to have fun and
explore your interests as well,and I know there are a lot of
moms who probably want toexplore different things or
maybe are sitting home thinkingabout trying something new,
trying something different, andit just stays an idea right.

(03:31):
But now I have the opportunityto really bring someone to the
forefront who's kind of shown uslike and by us I mean your
followers on social media we geta chance to see you kind of
pursue everything that you putyour mind to.
So some days I'll see you makea post like hey, I'm thinking
about doing this or has anyonetried this, and then maybe, like
a week later, I'm like, oh mygosh, I remember this was years

(03:54):
ago.
It looks like you were at askate park and I'm like, oh my
gosh, like that is so cool.
So just give us a littlebackground information about you
how you came to be, whatmotivates you to just explore
all these interests and really,how do you do that and still

(04:16):
work and still raise a kid?
Like, how are you wearing allof these hats?

Speaker 2 (04:28):
you wearing all of these hats.
So, um, thank you.
It sounds like a great CV orresume.
It sounds like an amazing CV,but as a mom, you said the word
fun and I love that you said funbecause if I, if I leave here
today, I want people to know I'mvery big on advocating for our
mental health.
My pain has really drove andbeen like the sole driver of God

(04:54):
leading my purpose, and so whenI got into fitness, it was
literally me just documenting myjourney of working out online.
But I was breaking through adivorce and when I was skating
believe it or not I had startedmy master's program during COVID

(05:17):
and I started having panicattacks.
And so, because I'm a personthat is physically active, I
said I need to find somethingthat will take this pain away,
or like contradict, like if inmy mind, if I fall skating, that
probably will feel better thanthe thoughts running through my

(05:40):
mind that I probably wasn't goodenough to be in this master's
program because it was via Zoom.
Oh, wow, right, and I like itto be in person.
So everything I've done isliterally just me advocating for
mental health, physical healthand my relationship with God,
like letting people know that Ican't do any of these things,

(06:01):
but there is many hats beingworn.
As you said, I'm an author, I'ma speaker.
Working out for me is so notwhat people see.
Like people think we work outand it's all about the body, but
it's really all about the mindfor me.
Like we have to take care ofour bodies, because if we don't

(06:22):
take care of ourselves, how arewe going to show up and be the
best person that we can be forour children?
Right, and so, because Iadvocate a lot about physical
health, people will hit me upand like, oh, come to my group
thing, come to this, come tothat, and I start to panic.
Like people don't know this,but I'd be like I cannot be
everywhere with everybody, right, like I know it looks like I'm

(06:45):
very active and I could do thisand all the things.
But that is my moment to pourback into Marquisa.
So if I do go to a groupfitness class or I do something,
that's because I have thecapacity to be around people,
right, and so my pain I'm asexual abuse, survivor,

(07:05):
childhood that's what my book istalking about overcoming trauma
.
I'm a single mother because Italk about my divorce, but,
oddly enough right, we weren'tmarried before the child, we got
married afterwards.
It didn't work out.
So then I'm back to being asingle mom, but just trying to

(07:26):
show up in the best capacitythat I could have for my son.
So all the things I do arereally just so I can show my son
that you can do and be all thethings and you don't have to be
everywhere with everybody,because whatever God wants to
happen for you will open up withyou, truly showing up as a
disciple for him.

Speaker 1 (07:43):
Oh, wow, that's amazing.
Up with you truly showing up asa disciple for him.
Oh, wow, that's amazing.
Now, how old is your son,sincere is 16.
Okay, oh, so you're in thethick of it.
You're in the thick of it Now.
Does he understand what it isthat you're doing and where it
comes from, does he?

(08:04):
How do you communicate that tohim, because I feel like it's
tough with that age group youknow we hear the term gentle
parent.

Speaker 2 (08:15):
um, you have parents that choose if they want to be
the kid or not and all thisother stuff.
But I I feel like I would bethe mixture of Nuck if you buck,
right Okay, and a gentle parent.
And the funny thing is, theNuck if you buck, I have a Nuck,
I'll yell, but no buck, right.

Speaker 1 (08:34):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (08:34):
I don't hit kids, but sincere.
I've literally been vocal withhim about all the things he
knows.
Like I feel like in my book Iput all my secrets out so I had
to warn him like hey, look,everything's in this book.
I don't know how people aregoing to take to it, but I feel
like this is what God is callingme to do.
So we've had all theuncomfortable conversations

(08:55):
about mommy and her unhealthycoping mechanisms and what took
her there so that he cannavigate his teenage years, and
I talked to him about whatpurity is and why it's important
.
And even like when we thinkabout teenagers and what they do
, like making sure you're notsending nudes, because that is
child pornography.
Make sure that you don't putyourself in a situation to be

(09:18):
running a train, because that isgang rape.
You know like.
I'm giving him the terms for thereal things and having
uncomfortable conversations sothat he understands like it
might be cool right now wheny'all kids and y'all think it is
, and then 10 years later, herewe have somebody on social media
saying this happened to themand everybody knows who they're
talking about.
Yeah, you don't be that personand so, um, we have

(09:41):
uncomfortable conversations andthe thing about it I didn't have
terrible twos with here, butbaby teenagers and I mean the
work that I do as a you know,family coach, supervisor and
working in the mental healthfield and human service, social
work aspect I don't thinkanybody can really prepare you,

(10:03):
even with all the research, onhow to navigate changes with
your kids, with what society hasgoing on.

Speaker 1 (10:10):
Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 2 (10:12):
I say, if I make it out of this, I'm going to write
a book about it.

Speaker 1 (10:18):
But I got to make it out of it.
That's good, that's a good wayto think about it, that's true.
And I like talking to someonewho's in the field because I
know I do behavior therapy aswell, which is different from
mental health.
So typically with behaviortherapy there is a strong focus

(10:40):
on environment, your environment, right, so how your environment
dictates your behavior and whatyou do.
And we are just starting toreally as a field when I say we,
we're starting to dig into whatwe call private events, so like
feelings, things that you can'tsee, that kind of control
behavior as well.
So I do a lot of parent coachingand things like that and it's

(11:04):
so refreshing to hear anotherprofessional in the field that's
like look, it's a touch and gosituation, like even as a parent
, because I think a lot of timespeople look at what we do by
trade and they tend to thinklike, oh, you're the expert, you

(11:24):
know you don't go through this,you won't have these problems
with your kid or your family,and it's the exact opposite.
But I think it's theperspective that you have to
know that every child isdifferent, every situation is
different, every feeling isdifferent.
You know the situation mayhappen and you may talk to your

(11:45):
kid about it and they may feel away about it the first day and
then you may revisit thatconversation on another day and
they may feel a different wayabout it.
They may have a differentresponse, a different reaction,
and it's touch and go.
It's small changes, little bylittle over time, that make a
difference.
So it's refreshing to hearsomeone else.

(12:08):
That's like it's a strugglebecause this is what we do, this
is our field, this is what wedo professionally.
But on the other end of thecoin, it's still a touch and go
situation for us and we don'thave the answer for everything,
and sometimes that's okay.
You just you're open tofiguring it out together.

(12:28):
So I love to hear that for allof you.
So just to clarify for thelisteners what is your
professional title or youroccupation, so we have a better
understanding.

Speaker 2 (12:41):
For those who don't understand, we have a better
understanding for those whodon't understand.
So I'm an intake and familycoach supervisor with Safe
Families and with my role I helpmy volunteers feel seen secure
and supported in their roleswith helping families and our
main goal is to keep kidsreunified and out the foster
care system.

Speaker 1 (13:01):
Oh nice, and how long have you been in that field?

Speaker 2 (13:04):
and out the foster care system.
Oh nice, and how long have youbeen in that field?

Speaker 1 (13:14):
So I came into that field last year in November.
Okay and oh, that's heavy.
So how do you cope with that?
Is this like a 40 hour?
Your tradition, traditionallike nine to five?
What?

Speaker 2 (13:19):
does that look like?
Before we go into that that, Iwant to go back into you.
You real quick.
Um, you talked about you knowyou're a BCBA, so when I said
congratulations to you when yougraduated, I was super proud.
Oh, thank you because I was aRBT before.
Oh, I didn't know that peoplelook at my life and they think

(13:43):
Marquise does not have.
She's just so transparent.
Everything she does is onsocial media, so they think they
know all of me, but verypersonal.
So I work with autisticchildren and when I took the
child development psychologyclass and this is what I want to
put in people's minds becauseI'm very descriptive, I really

(14:06):
I'm a storyteller.
So let's put two kids andthey're going to be the same
exact kid by the time we're done.
We have a child.
You take them to the mall andthey throw a tantrum because
they can't get a toy.
They fall out.
Mom is so embarrassed becauseeverybody's looking at her.
That was my mother, truth betold, that was my little brother
, and she just feels like thebecause everybody's looking at
her.
That was my mother, truth betold, that was my little brother

(14:26):
, and she just feels like thewhole world's looking at her.
She feels like she's the worstparent in the world and all the
while it's just a child throwinga tantrum.
He doesn't have words to saythat I want that toy he doesn't
know how to accept no, for themoment.
Then let's take a person thathas now this child that has the
label autistic right, this childis autistic.

(14:47):
Throws a tantrum.
Parent gets looked at like whycan't they control that child,
but all the while the tantrum isprobably because it's too much
noise.
Another child that doesn't havewords for this is not an
atmosphere I want to be in rightnow.
So when we think aboutparenting parenting to each
household it's literally youmaking the decision on how to

(15:10):
make the choices to do what'sgoing to effectively work for
your household.
It will not, most likely, mimiceverybody else's.

Speaker 1 (15:20):
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (15:21):
Absolutely.
That's what I love with whatyou do, because we work with
people that have superpowers.
Like these, humans are going togrow up to be the next ones
leading love so, anyways, butyeah, so I wanted to make that
picture image for people tounderstand like parenting really
is not trying to mimic anybodyelse, doing the best that you

(15:44):
can, yeah, so okay, what was thequestion?
Okay.

Speaker 1 (15:49):
So the next one.
Let's see Okay, so we have youroccupation, we know what, okay,
give us the run of the meal,because you said, like keeping
families together.
So is that a nine to fivesituation?
And how do you deal with themental load that comes with that

(16:12):
job?
And then how do you not carrythat home?
Because that sounds like a lot,that sounds stressful.

Speaker 2 (16:20):
Okay, so what I did, okay so what I did.
So I feel like God leteverything build up to really
prepare me for such a time.
So I did my internship workingwith autistic children.
But prior to that, leading upto that, what I would do to
start my day was literally geton the phone with nobody.

(16:43):
I started my day with prayerand then my son would read we
read scripture in the car,listen to worship music, because
I made sure that I didn't talkto anybody so nobody could set
the tone for my day, because Ididn't know what I was going to
go into.

Speaker 1 (16:57):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (16:58):
And so then I was like, okay, now, depending on
what I dealt with, and now Icome home, I got to be able to
show up for my child, absolutely.
So, learning how to turn thatoff, having a window of maybe
I'll let people in, get on thephone or not, and then coming
back to reality of OK, what do Ihave to do for my child With

(17:21):
the load of stuff I do now,because prior to this I was a
victim advocate and that wasmuch more heavier.
So God has taken the heavinessoff prioritization is how I

(17:46):
really balance it all because,um, we deal with heavy stuff,
like I'm dealing with peoplethat have been through some
things and then literally tryingto help bring the wraparound
services that they need to makesure that they can get to their
next level in life right, okay,okay.

Speaker 1 (18:03):
And then, oh, wow, I didn't know, I didn't.
I knew you did something withmental health, but I wasn't
quite sure.
So thank you for clarifying andgiving us a better picture of
that.
Now, with your particular job,would you consider that to be

(18:23):
something that's like a momfriendly environment like, or do
you have to have a villagesupporting?
You say, if something is goingon with your son, can you just
leave work and and take off totend to his needs?
What does that look like?

Speaker 2 (18:40):
it's definitely mom friendly.
Okay, like I, I wouldn.
I've been blessed to be able tobe in a role that is very mom
friendly.
I work from home.

Speaker 1 (18:52):
Oh, that's beautiful.

Speaker 2 (18:53):
Okay.
A lot of times my day startswhen I wanted to and, for the
most part, unless I have aconference or training or
something that I feel likereally goes with what I'm trying
to do, it really has the mom,work life, entrepreneurship
balance that I need to be ableto get on to.

(19:15):
Lot of them are just trying tofigure out.

Speaker 1 (19:16):
What can they do as a mom to secure some financial
stability but also still bepresent?
A lot of times we have singlemoms who are listeners, or we

(19:38):
have moms who are looking toelevate themselves in some way.
Maybe they want to go back toschool, maybe they need to make
a to school, maybe they need tomake a career change to increase
their income.
But when you start looking atjobs even in 2025, you know, you
women still have to sometimesmake that choice between family

(20:01):
and income, between family andincome, and a lot of times a lot
of industries don't reallysupport working moms.
So I know, for instance, I havea few friends who work for the
government.
They work in public health andit's not a lot of flexibility
when, even if they have paidtime off and things like that,

(20:22):
the work culture and theenvironment usually kind of
shake their head at it.
If you're using that PTO alittle too much, you know you
can't always say, hey, somethingcame up with my kid, I have to
go.
Sometimes that's frowned upon.
Sometimes you may find yourselfpigeonholed, and when I say
pigeonhole, I mean you're kindof overlooked for opportunities

(20:47):
to move up in the workplacebecause you do have to
prioritize your family.
So I always like to highlightcareer options.
If there are any moms out therewho are listening who are
considering making like a changein a certain field, I think
it's important to talk about howthat works with motherhood and

(21:08):
if balance is something that'spossible.
Sometimes I even have moms whosay, well, balance really
doesn't exist.
You're kind of just juggling.
You handle one thing, you focuson what you can focus on, and
then you know when that's done,you drop that and you move on to
something else.
And sometimes I call that themom like struggle and juggle.

(21:28):
Sometimes you can only focus onone thing at a time, but it
sounds like for you the way thatyou're able to handle all of
these things.
It sounds like scheduling andtime management is like up there
for you, even when it comes toprayer.

(21:49):
It sounds like you're veryintentional with your time,
where you're allocating thattime, and for a lot of moms I
can speak for myself timemanagement is like one of those
things where I'm like, oh, Ineed to work on that.
But it's nice to hear how youare actually doing it,
especially with the phone callsin the morning.

(22:09):
I know a lot of times that'swhen we have that free time.
But it's nice to hear that withyour free time you've decided
okay, this is where I'm going toallocate my free time, as
opposed to pouring into others.
You're kind of pouring in toyourself first, spiritually, to
get through whatever obstaclesthat may happen throughout the

(22:32):
day, and just listening to itI'm like, okay, I can see how
that can set the tone for yourday and then make it so that
when you get off work you arenot emotionally dumping on those
around you, because it soundslike you've kind of already
started your day ahead of thecurve to begin with.

(22:53):
So that's awesome, I love that.
So, besides working, parenting,I wanna hear about.
You kind of told us about yourhealth journey.
So where are you now with yourjourney?
And then I want to know if youhave any other, like businesses

(23:15):
that you're running on the side.
So let's start with your healthjourney.
Where are you now with that?

Speaker 2 (23:21):
So I tell people, when it comes to my health cause
people outside looking in I'mlike, oh my gosh, you look
amazing.
What can I do?
Give me the pill.
I am going to get the pill.
Tell me the recipe, I am goingto cook it up.
And I'm like, yeah, if I toldyou what I went through, you

(23:43):
would not like it.
It's, it's really the truedefinition.
If I, if you could fit my shoeand wear it, you would.
Ok, it's just the truedefinition.
If God gave us the full picture, we probably would stop,
literally like hold on you.
You want me to go through afire, you want me to die to
myself?
God, I'm not, you know, know,come on, let's.

(24:06):
Let's make some differentarrangements, because I can get
there, but not that way okay soI stopped eating meat.
I've been meatless three yearsnow okay, years and in the like,
right when I stopped eatingmeat not to like, I stopped
eating meat around January,february, by September, like

(24:29):
leading like from July toSeptember I just felt like I was
in this, really this space ofthe unknown.
Like when you graduate, peoplegot to understand we grieve our
old self and we grieve the newperson we're going to be.
Like it's this stage that we gothrough and we have this like,
just this unknown of now.
We have to show up and so nowhere I am.

(24:50):
I'm physically doing the things, I'm looking good, but I'm not
really feeling good on theinside and I'm like, god, I want
to feel how I look on theoutside.
Everybody's like oh, you lookamazing and this and that now
I'm meatless.
I'm vitamin d deficient, I'mgoing bald, come on'm.
Vitamin D deficient, I'm goingbald.
Come on, let's talk about it.
If I told you, in order to lose50 pounds, look how I look you

(25:11):
would probably go bald.
Now, what'd you want to do it?
Oh, wow, now I'm going to thedoctors getting extra blood work
so I can make sure that I'mgetting the vitamins that I'm
not getting from meat to my hair.
Back the vitamins that I'm notgetting from meat to my hair
back.

Speaker 1 (25:31):
Oh, okay, so we, we know seeing the men go bald, we
know what that look like whenwomen go.

Speaker 2 (25:35):
Oh okay, my husband.
Yet is he gonna come.
If he knew I was going bald, ifthe hair came back, y'all.
So whenever I get ready.
But he probably would have todeal with a woman that's gonna
wear something to cover that upright, oh, I didn't know that.

Speaker 1 (25:49):
And you know what a lot of people when they, when
you see people online and I knowonline is just me and my
husband call it like thehighlights.
Right, those are the highlights.
Um, you don't hear about that.
So what did you do to likerecover?
Was it the blood work?

(26:09):
How did you change your diet?
What did you have to do to getto the other side of the hair
loss?

Speaker 2 (26:15):
believe it or not, to get the hair back, I was not
willing to go back to me okay,oh wow, if that's the only way I
could have got it back.
I would have just lost my hair.
Oh, okay, because when I tookmeat out of my diet I felt
better, mentally okay, and Ididn't actually go meatless,

(26:38):
thinking I would be meatless.
So, um I, I take now a vitamin,weekly vitamin D, and then
daily prenatal pills.
Ok so that it came back, youknow, but I was vitamin D
deficient.

Speaker 1 (26:53):
Oh, and thank you for sharing that, because I I
didn't know that and I'm sure alot of listeners who are
considering that I mean that issomething to take into
consideration, considering thatI mean that is something to take
into consideration.
But it seems like the classiccase of you say you want to do

(27:14):
this, but what are you willingto do to get there?

Speaker 2 (27:18):
Yeah, I can definitely see that and I want
to speak to the mother that so,as I was transitioning as God,
was like I feel like, a lot oftimes we're already doing the
thing.
God wants to perfect it, and soin perfecting it, I look at
things now.
I think I'm an amazing mom.
I think I try my hardest.
I asked my son is there ways Icould be better?

(27:40):
I always ask him how I can showup for him.
Okay, but when I think about myparenting style and what I'm
doing, I don't look at myself asif what I'm doing is for right
now.
What I'm doing right now is formy grandchildren.

Speaker 1 (27:54):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (27:55):
So when you think about it that way, I think it
takes the pressure off of I'mnot meeting all that I can be in
this certain timeframe, becauseit's more long-term than
short-term.
And so when I think about theProverbs 31 woman, we got to be
good stewards of our time.
We got to be good stewards ofour resources.

(28:16):
We got to be good stewards ofwhat God puts in our hands.
So when I was transitioning, Iwasn't making a lot of money,
like when I was getting mybachelor's.
When I was getting my master'sI was't making a lot of money
Like when I was getting mybachelor's.
When I was getting my master'sI was not making a lot of money,
I was settling.
And then that's why you got tobe careful who's in your ear,
because people were like, oh, goto this job, go to that, go to

(28:37):
that.
But the job I had gave meopportunity to be able to go to
school.
It didn't pay for me to go backto school.
It opened the door that I couldcreate my schedule however I
wanted it to be.

Speaker 1 (28:48):
Right.

Speaker 2 (28:49):
And that's important.
So sometimes in some seasons,we're going to take some losses
in some areas, but it's only forsuch a time and that's why for
me, like you said, it looks likeI have this healthy balance of
how to construct my day.
But if we're really in our word, like when you read scripture
and I think this is important,because if we surrender to God,

(29:12):
we can surrender to our husbandsbut if we don't surrender to
God, we have an issue of how dowe really show up and surrender
to our husband.
But if you read scripture, itliterally tells us all that we
need to do Like.
Sometimes a person might belocked up mentally, they could
be locked up physically, havingphysical ailments for such a

(29:33):
time, and they can't meet thebest of their capabilities.
But it's only for such a time.
And there's something else thatyou can be strengthening to get
to your next, because it'll allcome full circle when it's
supposed to right.

Speaker 1 (29:47):
So where are you now with your seat?
What season are you in rightnow?

Speaker 2 (29:53):
being obedient to blossom in the spring.
I have a second book coming outand it's going to be about um
surrender.
It's about, uh, learning how tofast and pray okay and it's a
journal learning how to fast andpray.
and then my third book, whichwill come out at the end of the
year, will be soul surgery,where I just talk about the

(30:15):
process of really like.
I guess I my last book spoke tomy healing journey from
childhood sexual abuse.
This next book talks aboutreally like that surrender
journey, and so I have a podcastthat I host Beautiful Disaster
GPS but I talk about my faithwalk and my journey and really
becoming the woman that I needto be for all things for my

(30:38):
future husband, for my son, formy grandchildren, for my friends
, for my family and a lot oftimes, because, do we have a
circle?
Is our village really here?
Like?
I'm in Tallahassee, I have twofriends in Tallahassee.

Speaker 1 (30:54):
Okay, that was actually going to be my next
question.
What does your village looklike?

Speaker 2 (31:02):
You said my village is one really just like asking
God how do you want me to trainup this child?

Speaker 1 (31:10):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (31:11):
I'm in Tallahassee where I don't have really like
this big circle.
I don't have a circle.
What is it?
A triangle, like it's a line,my family's back home home so I
can call and get moral support,like I can get some verbal
support, but where sincere hadsurgery two years ago and that

(31:34):
was a real hard time for me andwhen that happened I wish I had
my job, that I had now.
Save Families.

Speaker 1 (31:43):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (31:44):
Because Save Families makes sure that they come
around.
They give you like a circle ofsupport.
You might have a family friend,a volunteer, somebody to bring
you a meal, somebody to just bethere with you at the hospital
while your child was gettingsurgery.
I didn't have nobody here whenI was going through that.
Okay, I was really leaning onGod to help me go through that.

(32:05):
And I know I went through astate of depression because at
that time I was the RBT, so if Ididn't go to work I didn't get
paid.

Speaker 1 (32:12):
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (32:15):
If I didn't go to work, I didn't get paid.
So talk about when you'reseeing a $0 paycheck, a $40
paycheck and you got bills.
Yeah, and I didn't know aboutthe resources that I know now
that I tell my clients about.

Speaker 1 (32:28):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (32:30):
So so the mom that feels like she's faced, like her
back is against the wall andnothing will change.
It changes.

Speaker 1 (32:36):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (32:37):
It does Like we get through it.
But, baby, there are some timeswhere you're going to go
through the roughest time and Imy advocacy is like I, when I'm
going through it, I show up themost on social media and I tell
people I'm going through it.

Speaker 1 (32:52):
Okay.
And that's different, because alot of people just you know,
you see sunshine and rainbowswith most people.
So yeah, that's one thing thatI can say, so yeah, that's,

(33:18):
that's one thing that I can say.

Speaker 2 (33:18):
Whatever challenges you are going through, I can say
you know, if I, if I tap in,I'm like, oh okay, this is going
on.
Oh, I didn't know to ever sella false reality.
And the more real andtransparent I get and the more I
let God transform me, it's lesslikes, it's less views, but
it's real.
Made the people that's supposedto get that get that like.
You know how many women told methey went back to school

(33:39):
because of me oh, that's amazingthat wasn't because of me.
That was because God allowed meto have a voice that I'm okay
with sharing.

Speaker 1 (33:47):
Yeah, and that obedience I mean that's probably
why it's important to beobedient in the first place,
because somebody needed to hearyour message, to get that
motivation to change their lives.
That's amazing.

Speaker 2 (34:02):
Exactly Like me showing people how God is
transforming me in seasons.
I'm like I don't even feelyou've seen the one post that I
put.
I'm like why are they makingthe clothes literally for
workout, as if I I'm so sick?
Like, why does a woman's printhave to show in her pants?

(34:22):
That's like, what are we doing?
Like I am a mom, like I gothrough.
I'm like I'm not comfortable.
This is weird.
I gotta make sure my angleisn't crazy because you you've
seen it like some peopleliterally just are wanting us to
see a certain body part.
Oh yeah yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1 (34:43):
I had to have that conversation with my husband and
a couple of dads.
We were talking and one of thedads has like a teen daughter
and she gave him I don't know ifit was like a Christmas list or
a birthday list, and Lululemonleggings were on there and I'm
like so I'm like just a heads up, like you might want to take a

(35:10):
look at those because they areknown to.
You know, you put theseleggings on, you go out in in
natural lighting, fluorescentlighting, and you see everything
.
So I was just like just a headsup.
As a dad, you may not want toset your daughter up like that.
So just keep an eye out, becareful, because that seems to

(35:32):
be the new style and it's reallyhard to overcome that as a
parent.
When it seems like everyone elseis doing it, your kid is
surrounded by it, and if theydon't do it now, they are the
outcast.
You know they're the oddball,right, they're not keeping up

(35:52):
with the latest.
But really, from a parentperspective, you're trying to
protect them, right?
Because sometimes we know asadults that social media
something as simple as a picture, a video, an outfit, you know
it can be a lot more to it thanjust that.

(36:12):
It comes with a lot more Idon't want to say responsibility
, but a lot more baggage.
Right, previous experiences wereally try to shield our kids
from experiencing what weexperience, just because we know
what it can lead to and whatcan happen.
But they don't, the kids, theydon't understand that.

(36:34):
In the moment it's kind of like, well, everybody else gets to
do it, well, so and so gets todo it, and this one gets to do
it and it's like, yeah, and theyhaven't experienced a
consequence yet.
But you know, that's gonna comewith a lot more baggage than
what you guys may be ready tohandle.
I see you smiling.
What do you have like a youhaving a flashback.

Speaker 2 (36:56):
I'm gonna give you a flash.
A flash that came, and then Ido want to hit on you and your
husband.
But um, so I'm a mom to ateenage son.
Let's talk about it, right.
He might not want to wear lululemon leggings, but he wants to
flash money on social media sir,sir, like please, please,

(37:22):
please, let me.
I'm like yo, oh, man.
And then you go through like um, you go through the oh, maybe
it's not that bad, like for hisbirthday.
He's like why are you actinglike that?
You took the last picture.

(37:43):
I'm having mental battles withthis.
Like I'm okay with it for 2.5seconds, I'm not okay with it
for five seconds.
Like come on, like let's not bethat person because their age
group, they'll post a picturethey get, they likes and they
archive everything so that agegroup don't have nothing on

(38:03):
their page.
But it's for the one hour ortwo hours that this thing is on.
There's, there's, you knowright look like.
I don't want you to put yourselfin a predicament where you
could be a setup yeah,absolutely that has nothing to
do with you.
And then for me, like you'remore at the age where you need
to be getting ready for yournext level and does that look

(38:27):
scholarly?
You're right?
Oh, wow, you're right.
I'm big on the whole, like I'mOK with if you're choosing a
trade and stuff.

Speaker 1 (38:44):
But is it really picture wise creating a CV or a
resume to get you ready for yournext level?
That's a way to look at it,because you know, things are a
lot more competitive than theywere when we were in high school
for the kids.
And I feel like I have a kiddoin middle school and we're
talking trade and certificationsand we're talking about it.

(39:05):
Now he's in sixth grade and I'mlike you're in this academy,
you're supposed to get certifiedin this, this and this by the
time you leave seventh grade.
You know you need to focus, youneed to, and I'm like would I
even comprehend this if my momwas telling me this when I was
in seventh grade?
Absolutely not, but this istheir reality.

(39:35):
And then add to that socialmedia, because I was just
thinking the other day, um, Iwas driving past, uh, boynton
High, and I remember whenBoynton High, like high school,
had just opened and that waslike the place to be the band,
all of the football games, and Iwas like, oh, my goodness, I
think a song came on and I waslike, oh, and I used to for the
football games, I would cut upmy jeans and up with like the

(39:57):
clothes that I used to make.

Speaker 2 (40:15):
I wanted to be different.

Speaker 1 (40:21):
Like I would be mortified if those pictures were
circulating now, but we didn'thave to worry about that.
You know, if you, if you wentto the game and you saw it, you
saw it.
You know, if I talked to somepeople that I went to high
school, maybe one or two peoplewill remember.
Most wouldn't even know what Iwas talking about.

(40:42):
Right, our kids don't have thatluxury anymore to let something
stay in their childhood becauseof social media.
It's like, like you said, ifsome, even if you do, like a
Snapchat because I know the kidsare like, oh, you can snap and
it'll disappear.
Well, if someone screen recordsor screenshots, it doesn't,

(41:06):
guys, it doesn't just disappear.
So I empathize with them becausethey do have to make a lot of
decisions that we just didn'thave to make.
And I do empathize and I dounderstand that.
You know, as a, a parent, youstill want them to get the full
experience.
You don't want to rob them oftheir childhood.

(41:29):
You don't want to rob them oftheir teenage years, because
part of you may feel like thisis what you were supposed to do
as a teenager.
But the fact that, like yousaid, you take a picture, it may
or may, it may be up for twohours, but there's a big if
somebody screenshots, ifsomebody decides to screenshot

(41:51):
and then send it to somebodyelse.
And I feel like with boys andyoung men there's a lot that
they have to worry about when itmaterial things that they may
have.
You know that becomes an issue,and it's a little different when
you're dealing with girls.

(42:12):
You know you kind of expect thecattiness and the, the drama
from the girls, but it may lookdifferent for the boys.
So it's just another layer thatwe have to take into
consideration as parents, andthe kids are not thinking about
that.
They want to have a good timetime.
They wanna flex on their socialmedia because that's what they
see and it's all fun.

(42:33):
Until you start to worry aboutthe what ifs or until something
gets back to school.
You know that birthday, thosepictures, whatever, that could
have been solely on the weekend,right, and now it could be
spilling over into school.
If somebody has a picture, ifsomebody text it to somebody

(42:54):
else, and now everybody'stalking about it in school on
Monday and I just feel like whenwe were growing up we didn't
have to worry about it as muchas the generation now have to
worry about that for sincere.

Speaker 2 (43:08):
What I feel really good about is the fact that one,
I let him have a voice.
Two, he has a therapist, andwhen I sit in for the family
sessions, the therapist alwaysgoes mom, this is the age group
I see.
If his session is wanting totalk about girls, this is normal

(43:29):
.
Like I would just wish hefocused on the grades, that's
not the boys right now mom Maybegirls, but that's not the boys
right now.
And then even still like if heposted something that his youth
pastor feels like isinappropriate, he calls us to
the side.
Hey mom, we wanted to have atalk about this.
I got sincere mentor.

(43:50):
I keep, whenever the men'smental health group has an event
it's like quarterly I take himto those things and it's a.
It's a professor.
His name is Dr McKay something,but he had an event recently at
the Challenger Center inTallahassee and it's like

(44:11):
bringing comedy and awareness tolike street violence and
everything else.
Oh, wow.
And what he told the kids.
He was like nine out of 10times.
A lot of the times, the peoplethat we're trying to reach are
never in this room because youguys have that are bringing you
to these events, absolutely theones that don't have the support
that they need.
And so I teach my son, I teachhim from a place of that.

(44:32):
We don't judge anything.
We talk about the kid that,what, what the kid that doesn't
have usually looks like comingto school.
You know, even when it comes tothe ones that might get in more

(44:56):
trouble than others, I'm not amother judging or having my nose
up at somebody's kid, becausethat's still a child.
That child needs to be loved on.
Where's their support?
Right?
And so you know, we, we justkeep talking and he'll show me
in little ways that I'm doing agreat job.
Like, uh, when he was in eighthgrade, he was like, mom, I don't
want to go to school today andI was like why?
He's?
Like it's 4, 20, I don't evenwant to be around, whatever
could go down.
And I'm like like, okay, likehe gets mental health days and
then other days.
I'm like I thought, I thoughtwe were on the same page.

(45:16):
I thought you were learningsomething he's like when he'll
be.
I want money to post, and I'mlike I thought we were.
Just I remember he showed me apost like oh gosh, this kid got
robbed and shot like on promnight by flashing money right
and.
I was like you know so good,you're not gonna want to do that
.
He was like yeah, I still wantto flash.

Speaker 1 (45:39):
What was the point?

Speaker 2 (45:39):
like what was.
So you know again, I'm juststill trying to help a young man
navigate life.
Yeah, and making choices.
Is he always going to make theright choices?
Probably not right, but I'llhelp teach him how to fall
forward you know, okay, I likethat strategy falling forward.

Speaker 1 (45:58):
I like that.
I'm gonna write that downbecause it it gives them it
leans a little more gracetowards the kids.
I feel like sometimes we setthe bar as mothers for ourselves
.
When we're establishing our owngoals and we start to achieve

(46:21):
those goals, you know, the barmoves a little higher.
And just from my personalexperience, sometimes I feel
like with my son watching me gothrough my journey and move
myself forward career-wiseeducation I feel like somewhere

(46:41):
along the lines I thought like,oh, I'm setting a great example,
I'm doing this, I'm doing thatand I want him to carry the
torch, I want to be able to passthe torch doing that and I want
him to, you know, carry thetorch, I want to be able to pass
the torch to him.
And I think somewhere along thelines, I really believe probably
around the time where I wasstudying for my boards to become
a BCBA, I think that's whensomething kind of changed right

(47:05):
and I saw a shift and instead ofadmiration with my son, I think
it turned into intimidation andthen I started to hear the
comments like oh, I don't thinkI can do that.
Oh, that's a lot Like.
Initially it started off with alot of encouragement oh mom,
you're still studying.
Oh mom, I'm like I'm gonnabring you some water and I'm not

(47:27):
gonna come in the room and I'mnot going to bother you.
Like he was so supportive.
If I took a practice exam or amock exam, he would be right
there Like, what'd you get?
What's your score?
How'd you do?
And then, once I passed theexam, I think he was able to see
the shift, like career wise andthings like that, and to watch

(47:49):
me go into a different role.
And then the comment started tochange like, oh, I don't think
I can do that.
Oh, are you still working?
I think you should take a break.
Oh, like, so now, like he'sgiving me the therapy, right,
like he's giving me the advice.
And now he he'll come back andask me questions about jobs.

(48:13):
And I think the last time wehad a serious conversation about
a career, he was just like, um,the people who deliver Amazon
packages.
I'm like, yeah, he's like, theyget paid for that.
Yeah, he's like, ok, I think Ican do that job.
And I'm like what happened,bruh?

Speaker 2 (48:34):
listen what I tell you.
It is for me that's the termwhen I'm like it's so ghetto out
here, what just happened, right?

Speaker 1 (48:47):
like you're saying, we were on the same page, like I
thought we were here.
You know, I thought we wereseeing eye to eye.
So now we're slowly workingback into things me just trying
to find things and introduce himto different fields and career
options, and everything doesn'thave to be about college.
You know, if he wants to do atrade, if he wants to do tech,

(49:11):
if he wants to, like, follow thefootsteps of his dad and and go
into a career and just work hisway up, you know you can do
that too.
But I also am trying to getthrough to him so he can
understand like, listen, nomatter what you choose, it's not
easy, it is not.
I have people who are going toschool for HVAC and that's not

(49:35):
easy.
I have people who are like, oh,plumbers make six figures and
they don't have to have a degree.
Plumbers do a lot of hard work.
Okay, when they go to schoolthey have to do their.
If they're doing anapprenticeship or something like
that, that's not easy.
That that's not easy workeither.
So, whatever you choose, youknow you got to have an interest

(49:58):
, there's got to be some senseof motivation from somewhere.
But none of it is easy, whetheryou go the college route, the
trade route, my husband, I lookat what he does every day and I
don't know like he has thepatience of a saint, because I
would not be able to deal withpeople like that, coming at me

(50:19):
from all directions withattitudes and grievances, at the
drop of a dime, and I have toaddress all of these issues with
a smile on my face, no attitude, and how can I make it better,
even though it's no real problemor I'm not?
Seeing eye to eye like that'snot.
That's not easy either.
So just trying to get him tounderstand all of this hard, all

(50:42):
of it is difficult.
Um, we didn't hit the lottery,we are not up.
There is no um, no, um.
What is it?
Trust fund?
There's no trust fund here.
Like honey, you are going tohave to work, you are going to
have to support yourself andit's not going to be easy.
Um, so it's nice to hear how.

(51:02):
I don't know.
I just feel like this is such areal conversation, even coming
from a professional professional, like it is ghetto out here.
We try to steer our kids in onedirection and they are still,
you know, gonna go what I lovefrom both of us, what I feel
like is the same as mothers.

Speaker 2 (51:22):
So for me, being a first generation, when I take
sincere to these, like I havehim in trio and he's going on
college campuses and he's like,mom, if I make a hundred
thousand dollars before Igraduate high school, can I not
go to college?
And I'm like sincere, how areyou making a hundred thousand
dollars?
He was like just shake on it.

(51:43):
And I'm like all right, comesback like six months later.
I don't think I'm gonna be ableto make a thousand.
He wanted me to um, put the thebetting app, the hard rock
betting.
Oh no.
And I'm like sincere, like I'mtrying to teach him, like train
him up in the word.
I'm like I can't make you agambler, son then I did do it.

(52:03):
Then I took it off and I'm likehe's like you always say yes,
then you say no, and I'm like Idon't want this for your life
and you're losing more thanyou're making.
So no, and, and so we do.
Then goes, yeah, you could gothe trade route.
But then I'm like how about ifyou have a daughter like I want

(52:24):
her to want to go to college,like I'm first generation, you
could be second generation,let's create a third generation.
But okay, if you don't want to,I don't want to force that on
you, but okay, I don't see youwanting to do an oil change.
I don't see like, so what youknow, and I did all the things.
I had them in the home depotworkshops, I did the whatever

(52:44):
library was having.
So now, when you're navigatingthis teenage stage and I'm like
my gpa still good, though my,stop bringing these because
we're going to flps during thesummer you're taking this over.
Like stop thinking, I'm gonnakeep signing you up for flps if
you want to.
He messed up hope class, the pewriting class, sincere, come on

(53:07):
, what are we doing?
And so then we had to retake itand so I'm just he's like what?
I still got a great gpa.
Where's the gpa?
Well, I'm just gonna go to acommunity college and I'm like,
yeah, community college is noteasy either.
They've raised the bar as wellbut I want you to know it is a
tug of war.

(53:28):
But what gives me peace isbetween his therapist, between
the mentors, between them.
They're like he is a typicalteenage boy, OK, and you really
don't like even the people thathelp get them ready for college.
They're like they really don'tknow.
You're steady guiding them asthey figure it out.

Speaker 1 (53:49):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (53:50):
I'm like okay, cool.

Speaker 1 (53:55):
Like you said, if I get to the other side of this, I
will write about it, I willtalk about it.

Speaker 2 (54:02):
But what I wanted to speak on, when it came to you
and your husband, I think youguys have a beautiful
representation Because again,again, we're called to be
partners.
We're called to have husbandslike, because of my trauma, I
and what's going on in the world, like you'll swipe and it's
like this man just did this toher kids, swipe.
This man just killed this woman.

(54:24):
Yeah, and he, he was locked upfor murder and killed her oh, I
saw that.
Yeah, you know like, come onlike swipe, um, yeah, no, no,
god has to sit down and tell meyou're the one, sir, because you
cannot bring your kids aroundeverybody.
But what you guys give your sonis the best of both worlds and,
on top of that, the way youguys support each other.

(54:47):
He posts workout stuff.
You don't post workout stuff.
You know what I'm saying.
But y'all be in the gymtogether and he's respectful
Like he's a respectful person tothe relationship.
He is a great representation ofthe head of your household,
because as a woman, you got toremember on my social media

(55:10):
whether the men that engage meI'm baiting them like I'm like
looking like don't be trying it.
Like you know, like you'retrying to make sure that
somebody's not trying tosecretly flirt with you or this
and that.
But he's a respectful man.
So that's good that you haveyour son to have that in the
household as y'all navigatetrying to figure this thing out,
because we never really figureit out you know.

(55:33):
So I think you guys have abeautiful representation of the
best of both worlds navigate inthis world and really showing
what if it is to be greatparents thank you because I
listen, we have.

Speaker 1 (55:47):
I feel like we've grown so much together and I
tell anyone everybody who's inmy inner circle, they kind of
already know what the space thatI was in before my husband and
I even started dating was justreally focused on prayer,

(56:07):
fasting, and I remember one daygoing through a fast.
I'm like you know what, god,I'm not gonna look at a man, I'm
not gonna even sniff a man oranything like that.
Like, if you want me to be withsomebody, you gonna have to
drop him on my doorstep.
Because I was just kind of donewith the whole dating scene and

(56:27):
, you know, trying to getcommitments from people who did
not want to commit, like it wasnot supposed to work out right.
So I took a step back and justkind of told myself you know
what?
This is the perfect time, theperfect age to just focus on
myself.
I was still living inGainesville at the time.
I had just graduated, I hadjust started my career in

(56:49):
teaching, I lived alone and Iwas like it's okay, like you're
by yourself, the only thing youhave to worry about is taking
care of yourself.
So I really just dove into thatright Spiritually, mentally,
physically, anything.
I wanted to do, anything.
I wanted to do anything.
I wanted to try.

(57:09):
I think that's when I wasreally into like rock climbing
and hiking and biking.
Um, I would bike like 12 milesa day because I could you know,
I don't have to.
I didn't have anyresponsibilities other than to
myself.
And it was during that time andin that head that's when me and

(57:30):
my husband kind of reconnectedand I was even like Nope, made a
promise to God, like notentertaining you.
I made a promise to back up, Idon't want to like it's not
happening.
And then it was like girl, butyou did say God would have to
drop him on your doorstep andsure enough, yeah, like like

(57:54):
fool, this is this, is it?
So that kind of happened.
But I do tell people and Idon't really, I don't really
post much about spirituality,christianity, anything like that
, because my journey has been alittle different.
Growing up here in Delray, ourfamilies kind of already set the

(58:17):
tone and I grew up going tolike what is that?
St John, like a primitiveBaptist church here in Delray.
That was very, like, you know,very strict, very rigid, very.
Women do this, men do this,children do this.
This is it and that's you knowit was very black and white and

(58:40):
it wasn't until I got to collegeand one of my roommates invited
me to church and I'm like God,she is relentless Like I am not
going.
And then I finally went and itwas a non-denominational church,
but it was a black,non-denominational church and

(59:01):
the first I felt like a deer outof head, like looking in the
headlights, a deer in theheadlights looking around.
That was my first time evergoing to church in pants and the
whole time I'm like praying tomyself, like God, please forgive
me for wearing these pants.
Growing up like women don'twomen don't wear pants to church

(59:23):
, like that's the kind of churchin the congregation that we had
.
You know you don't do that.
You don't go with your nailspainted, you don't go.
Um, you know you have to wearyour stockings.
No matter what you're wearing,you better have on some
stockings and and no fingernailpolish on Sundays and and things
like that.
So when I went to church, oh,and just the music in itself,

(59:46):
the praise and worship lookcompletely different At my
church.
They will escort you out Likeyou're not going to be shouting
and all that hands up andfalling out.
They will.
Those ushers will pick you upand escort you.
Like you don't do that.
So I'm in church and I'm justlike almost going into shock.

(01:00:08):
Like it's women in pants.
The pastor is shock.
Like is women in pants.
The pastor is shouting, likethe congregation is shouting,
the music is great.
And I'm like are they doingthis to recruit members?
Like what's happening?
And she's like no, right, I'mlike are they just doing this
Because they know like theyinvited a lot of new people?

(01:00:28):
And she's like no.
And I'm like and they justdoing this Because they know
like they invited a lot of newpeople?
And she's like no.
And I'm like and you guys arewearing pants, like I need you
to explain this.
So everybody just wear pants ifthey want to.
But you know, when they saycome as you are, she's like no,
the Bible says come as you are.
I'm like I know that, but it'swomen in pants and pants and

(01:00:52):
she's like come as you are.
So up there it just made itreally easy to build that
relationship with God, becauseit wasn't all of you know these
extra rules and all of thatpressure, and there were a lot
of youth groups.
They had a lot of things for usto do, to get involved with the
community.
So they really made it.
If you wanted to do somethingwith church every day of the

(01:01:13):
week, that became the norm.
So I was able to really diginto spirituality and just kind
of learn the Bible for myselffrom my own experience apart
from my parents, right, becausemy dad was this Baptist.
You know, on my mom's side, forthe most part her family was

(01:01:34):
Baptist, but then her mom becamea Jehovah's Witness.
So then it was always like myparents did not see eye to eye
completely with what we weredoing, but in our household they
always gave my sister and I achoice, right.
So if we wanted to go to thekingdom hall, sure you can go to

(01:01:55):
the kingdom hall if that's whatyou want to do.
If my granny came over on asaturday to do field service,
then we did field service and weread the watchtowers and you
know we'll do a bible.
But on Sundays if we wanted togo to church or if we didn't
want to go to church, we'restill going to church, you know
we just, hey, this is what it is, you're going to get both.

(01:02:16):
And then I think the idea was,when you get older, then you can
decide.
So we now kind of follow thatnon denominational route here in
our household.
And even before my husband and Igot married we were going to
like Christ Fellowship and wedid all the marital classes just

(01:02:41):
for ourselves so that we couldget on the same page with okay,
what are the expectations ofmarriage?
You know, we were engaged, wehad our son first and then we
ended up I think he was aroundlike maybe two years old when we
got engaged and then we wereengaged for two years and it was

(01:03:03):
just a lot of okay, let'sfigure out what this is going to
look like, because we alreadylive together, we already have a
child, we know we can coexistright, and then we kind of know
we know how to co parent witheach other worst case scenario.
But at least for me on my sideof the family, I didn't really

(01:03:27):
have a lot of examples ofhealthy marriages.
So it took some time to reallywrap my mind around.
What is your role as a wife?
What is a marriage supposed tobe?
What is that supposed to looklike?
I feel like watching my mom as asingle mom.
She was a great example ofbeing a single mom raising a kid

(01:03:49):
.
So in my mind I'm like I gotthat motherhood thing, like I
can do that, no problem.
But actually being a mother ina marriage, you know, I'm not
the head of the household, I'mnot the parent that's making all
of the decisions.
I am not the parent that'smaking decisions by myself.
I have to consider somebodyelse.
So all of that kind of goesinto play, even with my

(01:04:12):
professional hat.
Sometimes there are things thatI would do differently in the
household as a parent, justbecause of my professional
knowledge.
But then I have to take andconsider okay, he has a dad and
dad has just plays just as muchof a role in this child rearing
as I do.
So now I have to figure out howto navigate that situation.

(01:04:36):
So how I want to know likethat's my experience, but for
you, outside of prayer, how elsedo you go about making these
decisions?

Speaker 2 (01:04:51):
so my last season with my podcast was finding my
identity in Christ and I know,like a lot of times we know
we're doing stuff but we don'treally completely understand it.
I knew I came to Tallahassee tofinish my master's but then
when I started going to churchthe first church I went to here

(01:05:14):
I didn't grow up in a church.
I had a mother that believed inGod.
She went to work seven days aweek so she didn't have the
capacity to take us to churchbut, she prayed with us.
So I have a prayer mother.
So only time I would go to achurch is if I could catch a
ride with a friend.
But I did always know I had arelationship with God.
Well, I knew God.

(01:05:35):
I just really had a gotten arelationship with him, right.
And so when I got toTallahassee, I remember the
first time, like after Igraduated, I went and visited a
church and I was like that istoo loud, like music is.
They are.
I'm not saying they'reobnoxious, but they were
obnoxiously loud.
And so I remember putting thestatus on Facebook like, give me

(01:05:57):
some church recommendations inTallahassee.
So the next week I go toanother church.
And I remember going up to thealtar for prayer and like I mean
stadium lights, that's what itfeels like, right, it felt like
stadium lights.
I'm like it's hot up here.
And so I was about to join thechurch and then I just went and
sat down.
The lady came and got me to goback and I'm like girl, right,

(01:06:21):
and I'm like God, it is toobright up in here.
And I remember just hearing avoice say like, but it wasn't
bright when you were in the club.
Oh, wow, the music was too loudwhen you was in the club, so I
was like all right, this is mychurch.
Wow, okay, that's a way to lookat it.
Okay.
So then I started going to thischurch and I mean, I've been

(01:06:44):
through just different series ofchurches.
I went to Haitian churchesbecause I'm Haitian.
I went to Haitian churchesbecause I'm Haitian.
I went to Haitian churches butI never knew what they were
saying in Creole, like that,because my mom spoke English to
us.
She left Haiti when she was 14and went to the Bahamas before
coming here to the States.
And I remember just like,really, where my relationship
changed with God was when Istarted fasting.

(01:07:07):
I started fasting, I was justlike God.
Like I remember, my book cameout.
It was so many highs.
I graduated, my book came out,so many highs.
And then I'm like God, whatnext?
Like you know, I don't want tobe the person like pursuing
things because of my pain, likewhat next?
And I just would hear surrender.

(01:07:28):
And when I, as I wassurrendering, he was just like,
like cutting.
He wasn't cutting my friendsoff, but he was taking me away
from anything that distracted mefrom him okay and so I started
giving him more time, and atthat time, I was now making
money on Facebook okayand I had no desire to post
nothing on social media becauseI'm fasting like I want, I'm

(01:07:50):
giving up stuff and I want tomake sure that I'm giving him
his time.
And I remember, and then that'sthe time when I was working
with autistic children so I'm anRBT and I'm not getting paid if
I don't go to work and theregoes, you mean to tell me like
the closer you're getting to God, he's just taking things from
you, like we're losingeverything.
And I was just like baby.

(01:08:17):
I know it looks crazy, I knowit looks crazy, but you got to
believe he's going to bring itback.
And so I really went throughthis Job experience and while I
would every now and then comeback on social media, everybody
would just say how amazing Ilooked and I'm like where?
And so I was going to thechurch.
Now I'm a minister of trainingand I remember I served in the
children's ministry and Iremember coming into the

(01:08:40):
classroom to serve and there wasonly the youth pastor in there
and he goes.
You came through the wrong door, like go out and come back in,
and I'm like I mean I probablybroke my neck, looking like to
see if anybody was there, and Ijust kindly walked out and went
around because what I had tostart learning was God was

(01:09:00):
teaching us how to serve.
God was teaching us how to showup.
God is teaching us how to bequiet when we need to be quiet.
He's teaching us how to takeorder.
When, like literally, like youjust said, I got to go to my
husband before I do somethingLike I think, even when we look
at women and girls trips and allthis other stuff, like you have
to be one salty woman to feelsome type of way of a woman said

(01:09:23):
let me see what my husbandbefore I do that, because that
she's doing how she is supposedto be like, let me check in with
God before I say I won't sayyes to every podcast.
I'm not saying yes to everyevent.
If God is not ordering my stepsthere, I'm not like, if it
makes no sense to the purposethat he has for my life, I
cannot do it.
And so when we learn to reallystart moving how God wants us,

(01:09:47):
according to scripture, right.
And so when I'm saying,according to scripture, I told
you I'm already, I'm Haitian, soI'm like breaking generational
curses of whatever voodoo wasput on the bloodline, ok.
Like literally talking aboutdeliverance and I'm wanting more
.
And we talk about you talkedabout just watching how they
sung and you know the fallingout and people catching the Holy

(01:10:10):
Ghost and you know, for me Iwas just like for a long time
I'm like man, that is so fake.
But then now you start, whenyou really start understanding,
like when you look at the eldersin the church and you think
about the things that theyprobably went through.
Yeah we have no clue.

Speaker 1 (01:10:28):
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (01:10:29):
Making it out of cancer, child surviving, being
shot, or the prodigal childcoming back, or you just never
know what that person's beenthrough.
So when you're looking at them,it's not fake.
They're giving God all theyhave in that moment.
And so what I tell sincere islike you know, we go to church

(01:10:51):
and I'm like you know, baby, Idon't want you to think that.
I don't want him to think we'recaught up in tradition.
Okay, we're going because, justlike a person goes to the
hospital if they break something, we're going to church because
we know we're surrounded withpeople that are after God's
heart.
Now, does it mean these peopleare good, doesn't?
It?
Don't mean that they're allgood, but they're steady coming
back to get cleaned up.

(01:11:11):
They're steady coming back tosay god, I need more of you.
Are they perfect?
No, there are some people thatare no good here right, yeah,
that's important yeah, but thisis.
We're here because I know two orthree are gathered and god does
not want us to move in likesolitude, like we're not
supposed to be set isolated frompeople, like he keeps us in

(01:11:34):
community Even if you don't.
You're not like, oh, I got totalk to 20 people a day to know
that I'm, I'm it.
No, you don't have to talk tonobody a day.
But if you're making sure yougo to church, you're making sure
you go to work, you're makingsure that you're in your
household, checking in as far asthe boundaries and the balance
and everything like those arethe self check ins that you need
to do to make sure that you'renot functionally depressed.

Speaker 1 (01:11:55):
Yeah, wow, and that's yeah.
I don't think anyone reallyputs it into perspective like
that, but you do hear a lot ofpeople walking around like, oh,
I'm struggling with depression,I'm struggling with depression,
well, why?
You know what's contributing tothat?
And I never really put it inperspective that way as well.

(01:12:21):
But definitely making thosechanges, making those
adjustments, will take you outof a depression or a funk.
Adjustments will take you outof a depression or a funk, or
you know, getting around theright people who have similar
goals to you.

Speaker 2 (01:12:35):
So even if they're not helping you directly, you
know maybe directly helping youyeah, I talked to the youth
pastor, but when he told me togo out and come back in what he
told like that's teaching you.
Like your boss might saysomething you don't want to hear
next week that are having arebuttal, zip it, go to God

(01:12:57):
about it.
And then, and when you'rereading scripture, it's not
saying that Elijah was facedwith depression.
Elijah was suicidal.
God sent the bird to feed him.
But if you're reading scripture,it reminds you that, oh, you
could possibly go through that,but that's for a time and you
can move through it, right.
But that's why we haveresources, we have therapists,

(01:13:19):
we have the things that you need, that there's different apps.
Utilize all those things.
You had Job.
Job lost it, all Job's bodywent through it.
Like you are going to probablygo through something, but the
scripture reminds you that youweren't alone.
These things didn't just start.
They're going to continuouslyhappen, like when we think about

(01:13:40):
COVID right, read Revelations.
Revelations made me feel likeit was COVID.
Made me feel like it was COVIDright.
So we just have to say God isclose to the brokenhearted and I
feel like my assignment on thisworld is to be close to the
brokenhearted and I have to bemore Christ-like in the things

(01:14:01):
that I do and so to be like that.
I don't want to be a personthat look double-minded oh, she
pretending or she's faking.
Like I tell Sincere, when weclose this door, I need to be
who I am outside of here and towhoever's in this home with us,
you know.

Speaker 1 (01:14:24):
So my relationship has just been based with full
surrender.
Okay, so right now, with thespace that you're in, what are
your three biggest challenges asa mom right now?

Speaker 2 (01:14:32):
my biggest challenges .
As a mom, I would say like momguilt okay mom guilt because a
lot of times I want to make surethat I'm not giving it all to
the community and not givingsincere enough.

Speaker 1 (01:14:49):
Oh, wow, okay.

Speaker 2 (01:14:52):
And so like helping raise the people in the
community but not raising himproperly.
Time management If I had it myway, I would just work out all
day.
I would be playing tennis, golf, everything active you could
think of.
I get so much joy out of thosephysical things.

(01:15:13):
But really managing the timebetween what needs to launch or
what needs to be produced, whatneeds to be sown, and
maneuvering the differentbusinesses that God has in me to
birth Okay, maneuvering thedifferent businesses that God
has in me to birth.
And the last one I would saywould be teaching sincere

(01:15:33):
independence versus beingoverprotective.
And so, again, that's becauseof my own trauma.
So I try not to pour that ontohim and give him free will and
try to give that healthy balanceof trying to help him navigate
life.
So again, that's why, like Isaid, I don't beat my baby,

(01:15:55):
because I think I think a lot oftimes when people beat kids
they lose sight of healthybeating a child and then
probably are giving themwhatever stressors they have.
Going on absolutely there.
That's when it could turnabusive, so I just don't even
want to worry about so.

Speaker 1 (01:16:13):
Yeah, yeah, that's one thing it always comes up in
these conversations withbehavior therapy, especially
when either I'm doing like aparent training or like a
workshop with a group ofteachers, there's always that
group.
That's like it starts in thehome.
Somebody needs to beat theirbehind and it's like okay, so

(01:16:38):
let's talk about spankings.
Let's let's talk about it,because this is and you know we
get the argument all the timewhen we explain to the parents
that spankings, beatings, um,you know, paddling, whatever
with a hand, shoe, belt,whatever it is that is

(01:17:00):
reinforcement to the parent whenit comes to, and people will
argue us down.
But when we break down thescience of a spanking, usually
there's a behavior that we calllike a target behavior.
They're doing something thatyou don't like, so you implement
some kind of stimulus right todeter them from engaging in that

(01:17:24):
behavior in the future.
That's what we call like apunishment procedure.
Anything that reduces behaviorin the future good.
What we call like a punishmentprocedure, anything that reduces
behavior in the future good,bad, indifferent is a punishment
, right.
So the your kid is doingsomething you don't want them to
do.
You give them a spanking tostop the future occurrence of

(01:17:46):
that behavior.
The behavior stops, you know,for the time being.
And then, if the behaviorhappens again, what do you do?
You spank again.
It stops, it encourages theparent to continue with the
spankings, right, so it'sreinforcing the parent's
behavior.

(01:18:06):
So, while it may be decreasingthe behavior for that moment, we
still have to teach areplacement behavior, right.
But when you start implementingthose spankings, where's the
teaching right?
Does the kid even understandwhy?
Why?
And typically, punishmentprocedures, things like that

(01:18:29):
spankings?
You know, I have read theresearch because I was a little
torn as a parent because I wasraised with spankings in the
household and I'm like I gotspanked and I turned out fine,
right.
So I I was conflicted because,you know, as a parent, you do
have those moments and I justfor myself, because you know, as
a parent, you do have thosemoments and I just for myself.

(01:18:52):
I wanted to know, ok, what'sthe best way to navigate this
situation?
And the research tells youtypically, when it comes to a
life or death situation, right,spankings are are more effective
, right?
So if it's a behavior like a kidrunning out in the street, okay

(01:19:14):
, a spanking is appropriate,right, because you, you almost
want to deter the kid so muchlike the spanking has to be
severe enough.
It can't be like a weakspanking because that's not
going to deter the behavior.
So it has to be severe enough.
It can't be like a weakspanking because that's not
going to deter the behavior.
So it has to be the rightamount of force, the right
amount of pain to deter themfrom.

(01:19:35):
No, that's what the researchsays.
It has to be enough force todeter them from engaging in that
behavior in the future.
But it also has to be within aspecific amount of time of the
behavior actually occurring.
So a lot of parents know youcannot be like.
See, the research says you canspank.
No, and the research does notsay when you get that phone call

(01:19:59):
at 12 o'clock in the afternoonthat your kid is acting up at
school.
Now you go home, fuss them outat six o'clock at night and give
them a spanking and it's gonnawork.
No, spankings have to be withina set amount of time of that
behavior actually happening forit to be effective.

(01:20:19):
And most of the time life doesnot allow you to spank
immediately as soon as thebehavior happens.
That's number one.
Number two is the behavior likea life-threatening situation,
because if it's not, thenthere's no need for it If you're
not.
Say, if you have a little onegoing to jump in a body of water

(01:20:39):
and they can't swim, okay, aspanking may be appropriate to
deter them jumping in that freebody of water, right, especially
if they're too young tounderstand.
Or especially if, if you aredealing with a kid with autism
who may not fully understand,like, oh, I can't be there, it's

(01:21:06):
not safe.
The other outcome right,because you can't really
backtrack.
If a child God forbid if theydie right, there's no more
debate.
So if it's a life-threateningsituation, then you definitely
want to use punishment, but mostof the time, for the things
that we encounter, they're notin immediate danger, it's not a

(01:21:31):
life-threatening situation.
So there is something else thatyou can do.
You know talking to them,giving them replacement
behaviors, giving themalternatives.
That's gonna be a better fit,because how often are our
children in life or deathsituations?

(01:21:51):
Right, a lot of the time we arenot in areas that are really,
really dangerous, because thenthe behavior management is going
to look completely different.
And I think the research articleif I can find it, I'll share it
, but um, it was talking about,like the, the gang violence in
Chicago okay, to deter them,those kids, from engaging in

(01:22:16):
those life-threatening behaviorsof joining gangs and things
like that.
Uh, they had better outcomes ifthey receive spankings and, you
know, beatings, whatever youwant to call it.
If they received that kind ofbehavior management, they had a
higher probability of notengaging in gang violence and

(01:22:37):
things like that.
So in that situation it wasappropriate.
But again, right now, today,how many of us are in those
situations where that type ofbehavior management is warranted
and a lot of us, fortunatelyare are in those situations
where that type of behaviormanagement is warranted and a
lot of us, fortunately, are notin those situations.
So we got to find other ways todeal with it and even

(01:22:58):
generationally from us, the waythat we were raised in the
environments that we were raisedin, a lot of my peers and
classmates are no longer inthose situations either.
Right, so that parenting styleis going to look different, that

(01:23:19):
discipline style is going tolook different, because we don't
have our kids in the sameenvironments that we grew up in.
You know, my kid knows nothingremotely similar to the
lifestyle in the area, theneighborhood that I grew up in,
like he'll never know that lifeand sometimes go ahead.

Speaker 2 (01:23:44):
Another reality too, though, to speak to the single
mom that's raising a son or evena daughter, when they get at
that that they don't have wordsall the time to tell you that
they're hurt.
If that parent like, say, if youdon't have a good co-parenting
thing, like say that, if theperson is like more absent than

(01:24:05):
there, and so when, if yourchild doesn't know how to say,
well, I'm mad that a promise wasmade and it didn't come through
, what it probably sometimeslook at is like they're lashing
out on you about something youhave no clue about, but because
they don't have the words orthey don't know how to express
their emotions, and now youmight want to try to like

(01:24:28):
discipline them, but they'reactually just hurt.
So it's really like cause again,I'm not remember knock if you
book or soft a gentle parent,and it's neither, it's neither,
but it's more so really meetingthat child where there are
socially and I did a trainingand it's called with TBRI, and,

(01:24:48):
and it's that stands for trustbased relationship, relational
intervention, but I'll send youthe information about that but
it talks about sometimes, when akid doesn't meet that social
development at a certain age,like, say, if you had a five
year old boy that didn't gethugged enough, like say if you
had a five-year-old boy thatdidn't get hugged enough, and so

(01:25:16):
now at 15, like he might be 15and you'd be like man he just
really act like he five or forwhatever reason, and it's really
he presents with what's missinguntil that need is met.
That's how he presents, but whenyou can meet it, then you could
finally get him to be at thatage and progress.
But then now you're probablystill dealing with stuff that
regular teenagers would dealwith, and so I love that aspect,
because as a parent sometimeswe try to overcompensate with

(01:25:36):
things that really do not helpBuying them stuff or taking them
places or making sure they haveall the things where you cannot
fill the void, but you can givethem words.
Where you cannot fill the void,but you can give them words.
Like I buy sincere journals toexpress himself.
I'm always telling him to writehow he feels and he's just like
he thinks.
I'm so crazy.
I'm like dig, find a word.

(01:25:58):
Here goes a list of words.

Speaker 1 (01:26:04):
But that's good because, you know, as I'm
starting to get more clients whodon't have autism but they have
these severe behaviors, and Ifind myself going back to like,
okay, what is missing here?
Because we'll get the explosion.

(01:26:24):
Like towards the end of lastyear I had an eight-year-old in
a public school who ripped thedoor off the frame.
Do you know how strong you haveto be to rip a door off a frame
?
And we're not on the spectrum,but I'm like something like I
get it, it's behavior, but whatin the world is happening before

(01:26:50):
that, you know?
So I got teachers in distress.
I got school administratorslike the teacher is refusing to
go back if that girl is in theroom.
And I'm like, okay, but I needa little bit more than that.
What happened?
Because with a seven-year-oldand eight-year-old, they may not
have the vocabulary you knowand she can talk, but has anyone

(01:27:15):
ever given her any explicitinstruction on feelings?
And this was around the timewhere I first like inherited the
case and I'm like I think weneed.
I know it sounds so juvenileand so childish and I think a
lot of times when teachers seeyou coming in with cards of
faces and feelings, they thinklike, oh my God, you're wasting

(01:27:39):
time.
What are you doing?
I could have did that, but youdidn't.
Right, and I'm like you know,I'm starting to see it more and
more and more Right and I'm likeyou know, I'm starting to see
it more and more and more.
Has anyone really taken thetime out to teach feelings Right
?
And I know the kids go toguidance and they I think they
have like their guidance, Idon't know, like once every six

(01:28:05):
weeks or something like that.
Now the guidance counselorsteach a class, but do the kids
really have enough time toprocess what they're learning?
And I don't think, you know,they have the opportunity to
learn these other feelings A lotof times happy, sad, mad, good,

(01:28:25):
bad, like that's what they'relearning.
But what about those feelingsthat are kind of in between?
I'm feeling anxious, I'm havingresentment, I'm feeling, you
know, whatever it is, that's notthat doesn't fit with mad and
sad, good and bad.
You know when.
When do they have time to learnwhat those feelings are, how it

(01:28:49):
makes feel, what does that looklike within my body?
And when I get all thesefeelings, what in the world am I
supposed to do?
And I think for some of my kidsit comes out as I'm gonna rip
this door off the handle or thisdoor off the frame.

Speaker 2 (01:29:05):
Us either, being parents creating spaces when we
allow our children to tell us Ididn't like when you did that
yeah it would be like you'reyelling.
I'm like I'm not yelling.
You're yelling like, but evenmatching him, like you know.
So, at the end of the day,having safe spaces to like when.
I caught parent teacherconferences.
I'm like hey look, you guys aregonna get to tell me how he is,

(01:29:29):
but he's also gonna get to tellme how you are, because I
create that space and he'sallowed to tell me, because it's
not about what you felt like,it's how he felt, how he
perceived it yeahyou know, like if you're talking
at him or if you're making himfeel less than, or you had a one
teacher that was like crackingjoke with the other student and
then like trying to give acommand afterwards he's not

(01:29:51):
gonna listen and come into hisown and then become so all those
things matter.
And his therapist said at besthe was like and then when it
comes to men, it's one thing togive an instruction and it's
another thing to talk at you.
Yeah, when you get instruction,so there's so many dynamics.
But because I know what I knowand then you know I went to

(01:30:12):
school for psychology and did afew years up in there.

Speaker 1 (01:30:15):
It's so different in this household but that's a good
thing because I think they theyneed an opportunity and I
always tell parents andprofessionals kids really need
an opportunity to be in anenvironment where they can just
practice, practice having thoseresponses.

(01:30:35):
You know, school it should be aplace that's the perfect
environment to practice some ofthese replacement behaviors,
because they're not going to getit right every time.
But you have to create anenvironment where it's like all
right time out, you know, as theadult time out.

(01:30:56):
How could we have handled thatdifferently?
Because that's that's not theway we do things in here, that's
not the way it should go.
But a lot of times, with eitherthe time constraints, the lack
of training, sometimes thepatience is just not there.
Burnout is real with theseteachers and being overwhelmed

(01:31:16):
and the high.
And that's not an excusebecause also, I am a parent as
well and I will go in any parentteacher conference and let the
teachers know that'sunacceptable.
You said like you called home,said xyz.
My son told me you said this tohim before this happened.

(01:31:38):
I just had a very heated, veryheated exchange with an
assistant principal and one ofmy son's teachers because she
she threatened to call hisparents in front of the whole
class right and tried to, youknow, embarrass him and shame

(01:32:02):
him.
And then she sent me like ankind of spicy email, like I'm
not tolerating this.
I don't go back and forth withkids, I don't blah, blah, blah,
and next time I'm just going tolet the principal handle it,
okay, so if you're talking,that's- what she said to you in

(01:32:23):
email, so imagine how she talkedto the child.

Speaker 2 (01:32:25):
Thank you, because she was comfortable to say that
to you in black and white, yeah,yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:32:31):
And then here's the kicker the school called me when
I sent my reply and I had tolike, type my response a couple
of times and I had to give it aday before I actually calmed
down and I had to self-regulate.
I had to self-regulate myselfbecause I'm still a parent and

(01:32:53):
when these exchanges happen withmy son, it's to the point where
I get physically ill, like Iwill get sick, because I get so
stressed out thinking about whathe's enduring.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's.
It's both like the like I'm,I'm already upset, I'm angry,

(01:33:15):
but then that emotional peacebecause there's so much.
I've been in the classrooms andI know how teachers can
manipulate situations and I knowhow teachers can have a
significant impact on a child'sfuture, right?
So I always try to taper myresponses because I don't want

(01:33:37):
anyone taking anything out onhim.
Right, he spends more time atschool than he spends with me.
So, taking that intoconsideration, like I want to be
that emotional parent who'sjust going off and advocating
for my child but at the sametime I have to keep in the back

(01:33:57):
of my mind okay, he has to goback tomorrow.
This probably won't be resolvedtomorrow.
They could easily set him up,bait him again the next day and
say, oh you see he did this.
Yeah, send him home, call theprincipal, do this, do that.
So it just makes me sick becausethere are people in these

(01:34:20):
classrooms around our childrenwho are not for children.
They don't like our children.
Every turn, every opportunitythey get to break a child down,
they will and they have animpact on a child's self-image.
Right the words matter.
The words matter.
Actions matter.
Have an impact on a child'sself-image.
Right the words matter.

Speaker 2 (01:34:42):
The words matter, Actions matter.
You know I didn't have theexperience of a teacher telling
me I wouldn't be anything, buttoo many times you hear people
say that or treat me like that.
Since Sarah had a teacherliterally tell him oh I seen
your mom's social media, Ishould try to holler at her.
Oh my God, how do you want himto show up?
How do you literally tell?

Speaker 1 (01:35:00):
him.
Oh, I seen your mom's socialmedia.
I should try to holler at her.

Speaker 2 (01:35:01):
Oh my god how do you want him to show up?
How do you want him to respectyou?
How do you want him to?
You know, when I had a teacherparent conference, it was like
oh, he doesn't know when to stoptalking.
He said you cracked a joke, hecracked the joke back.
You got mad.
You know, like so it's, you cando it, he can't do it.
You guys got to make up yourmind and that was very

(01:35:22):
inappropriate.

Speaker 1 (01:35:23):
Yeah, absolutely you know so.
Yeah, trust me, it's.
It's an uphill battle, for sure, and it doesn't help, even when
I try to put my professionalhat on talking to say admin.
On talking to say admin, okay,I'm not gonna get through with

(01:35:43):
this teacher, I'm not gonna seeeye to eye with this teacher.
Let me take it to the nextlevel and I try to let them know
like, hey, this is mybackground, I've been in the
classroom for this many years.
I've been teaching since 2010.
I've taught all populations,you know, autism, asd, ve, kids
who are EBD, like you name it.
I've done it.
There's a way to handle thesesituations and this was not okay

(01:36:09):
.
And the this particular incidentwith the teacher um, when I
sent my response in email, theteacher never responded.
I copied admin on the the email.
Admin called me.
They never responded in emailand you know why?
Um, yeah, so they called mebecause they wanted to check me

(01:36:31):
on some things that I said in myemail.
Because I I told the teacherlike I was just there for a
meeting that was scheduled twomonths ago.
I scheduled this meeting twomonths ago.
You knew when the meeting wasgonna be held.
The meeting was held a monthago.
We stayed there for three hours.

(01:36:53):
Not only did you not show up,you didn't even submit like a
letter, a written statement, asummary, to express any of your
concerns.
But now, all of a sudden, I'mgetting this email from you,
like you're not going totolerate this anymore.
And then it was something sosmall and juvenile.

(01:37:13):
I'm asking my son like well,what happened?
And he was like well, there aretwo teachers in the classroom.
I was turning around to get theattention of the other teacher.
Kids from across the roomstarted laughing and she said
and she even wrote it in theemail he's trying to make eye
contact with other students.

(01:37:33):
Like ma'am, you sound like anidiot.

Speaker 2 (01:37:40):
These are real life scenarios and I need every
parent, every mother, everyfather to know do not back down
when it comes to standing up foryour child.
You will always be theiradvocate.
You don't even understand whenit comes to admin, like what I
have to go through.
Again, I present on socialmedia, I talk about advocacy,

(01:38:03):
but at the end of the day, I donot share the most horrific
challenges because I might befully transparent, but it's.
My son is still the minor and Iwant to be that person that's
considered this influencer orcreator, to the point that one
day he wakes up and says I neverwanted that shared or I yeah,

(01:38:25):
absolutely you know we have toprotect our children, so we
might talk about stuff that arelight, but when I tell you,
navigating mommyhood has to beone of the most gratifying and
horrific hoods you could everpass through.

Speaker 1 (01:38:43):
Absolutely.
It's a struggle and it's easyfor people to dismiss your
concerns because you are aparent and I have to tell my
husband that all the timebecause before you know, I was
the teacher, I'm the therapist,so in our household it's kind of

(01:39:04):
like we have our roles right.
You take on this, I take onthat, you tackle this, I tackle
that.
You do this, you.
And it got to the point whereit got so bad at school with me,
the administrators, theadministrators even aftercare,

(01:39:25):
like my husband had to startshowing up, and it's so crazy.

Speaker 2 (01:39:26):
You start feeling like you're being ganged up on
you because the co-workers goteach other's backs.

Speaker 1 (01:39:29):
Let's just oh yeah, oh yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:39:32):
I don't know if you're right or wrong.
I got you back until I figureit out, but I still got you back
because we can't tell let'soutside of that way, absolutely.
But your position you got.
It's you, your husband and youguys are.
You know, okay for doing, okayfor yourself.
But imagine that mom that isstruggling, doesn't know how
she's gonna pay her bill,doesn't know where she's gonna
lay her head.

(01:39:53):
Yeah, try to navigate all theresources and steady getting the
door shut.
That's why I fight for them,because I'm like y'all.
And then she got to show up toa parent-teacher conference and
don't know what to go, might nothave the words for it.
You'll see how you, with adegree with verbiage and
research, show up and how theydo you?

Speaker 1 (01:40:12):
Yeah, absolutely.
And they didn't check it untilmy husband started showing up,
which is insane to me becauseI'm like I was the teacher.
But as soon as he can say andhe doesn't have the lingo, I
feel like education has aspecial language of its own.

(01:40:33):
My husband doesn't know, hedoesn't know any of that
language.

Speaker 2 (01:40:37):
But it was the man.

Speaker 1 (01:40:38):
Oh yeah, if he says this does not make sense, I
wouldn't speak to somebody thatway.
I don't speak to people at myjob the way you spoke to my
child conference over.
We will work on it, we'll fixit, we'll.
But before, when I was there,it's like I'm coming back to

(01:41:00):
meeting after meeting, aftermeeting, after I have
documentation, I have emails, Ihave, and my husband can say one
or two things and shuteverything down.
So now moving forward, everymeeting, if it's meet the
teacher, if it's a parentteacher conference, we have an
agreement.
Teacher, if it's a parentteacher conference, we have an

(01:41:23):
agreement, we have anunderstanding that he has to be
there.
Because, with all of myexperience with and I try to be
there as objective as possiblethey do not treat me the same.
So I can't even imagine if Ididn't have somebody as a single
mother to stand in with me.
Not only that a lot of times,if you are a single mother, when

(01:41:45):
do you have time to take offRight To attend these meetings
that you want to have in themiddle of the day Because the
teachers, they don't want tostay after their contracted
hours?
That's not an option.
So, god forbid, this parentcannot show up.
Teachers will drag a parentthrough the mud if they do not

(01:42:06):
show up and they do not takeinto consideration she has more
than one child.
She has a job.
She might have two jobs exactlycan we make this a phone call?
And then it almost forcesparents to get on.
The kid like, hey, I can, Ican't miss work.
I know that's the householdthat I grew up in.

(01:42:26):
My mom was a single mom, withme and my sister, and that was
the rule.
Do not have those people callme from that school.
My mom worked at some at somepoint.
She worked four jobs at thesame time.

(01:42:47):
She worked all day long gettinga phone call home.
Having somebody yeah, havingsomebody pick you up from school
because you violated dress code.
That's not an option in thishousehold, because that means
like a bill is not getting paid.

Speaker 2 (01:42:58):
She has to pay right.

Speaker 1 (01:43:00):
She mom had to pay the mortgage.
You better not get a phone calltalking about your midriff and
you got to go home.
What?

Speaker 2 (01:43:10):
but but think about and this is what like people
don't like where my passion liesis really trying to get our
next generation through, like Iwant to be to that person that
doesn't have the voice, becauseif you guys didn't do that for
your child, imagine how theywould have probably pushed them
through this system as theproblem child oh yeah, go around

(01:43:33):
and in the class laughing yeah,absolutely your ego was hurt
yeah, yeah it was.

Speaker 1 (01:43:42):
Because when she called him out about it, he
spoke up for himself and he saidI'm not doing anything.
And her rebuttal well, they'relaughing.
And he said I have nothing todo with that, you're being

(01:44:02):
disrespectful, I'm not dealingwith the back talk, I'm gonna
call, I'm gonna email your mom,I'm gonna blah, blah, blah.
And before we even had themeeting, I think, I told whoever
was in charge of the meeting.
I told them I was like listen,my kid has anxiety.
Me and dad are on him about ourexpectations and we are very
big on respect.
Do not use us as a threat,because we hold our son

(01:44:26):
accountable.
If there is a situation wherehe was being disrespectful, he
knows what comes with that.
We don't play about that.
So do not just throw thatloosely around.
Because in elementary yeah, inelementary he he had a couple of
teachers like I'm gonna callyour mom, and I think she did it

(01:44:48):
one too many times and he had awhole anxiety attack in front
of everybody.
Luckily, you know, he was youngenough to where the kids didn't
bully him and tease him for it,but it was kind of like, but it
was so bad, the kids weretexting me hey, is he okay?
Miss so-and-so was really meanto him.
Because initially I'm like Itry to stay level-headed and say

(01:45:12):
, hey, you know, teachers arehuman too, so sometimes they
don't respond the way that theyshould respond to situations.
It may not even have been you,but you may have been the straw
that broke the camel's back, andI'm not saying that it's fair,
I'm not saying that it's right,but that's what probably
happened.

(01:45:33):
But let's try to move forward.
Let's try not to hold a grudgeand hold this against this
teacher, because, also, you'renever going to win in a
situation that's child againstteacher.
You're not going to win thatargument.
So your best bet is to keep acool head and contact me and
even if you have to go to thebathroom and send me a text

(01:45:55):
message, go to the bathroom andsend me a text message.
I will handle the adults.
You don't handle adults, I do.
But I know my kid and if he'sgotten to the point where he's
like I didn't do that, I didn'tdo this, I didn't say he's not
saying that for no reason.
So now I need to know what elsehappened because he's not going

(01:46:22):
to do that for no reason, right?

Speaker 2 (01:46:24):
And you're lucky that you have that rule with him
where I handle the adult.
I mean my calls that I wouldget was sincere, like by the
time sincere gets off the phone.
I'm like you need to be quiet.
I fight the battle.
He's like no man.
No, no, no mom.
And I'm like no mom.
Let me tell you what I did.

(01:46:46):
I'm like Sincere and I have tostop what I'm doing.
Go to that school, get him inthe office and talk.
Don't do that.
This is their classroom.
It don't matter if you're rightor wrong.
Yeah, they run it.
So please let me get here.
Let me let me handle boy afterthey get to a certain age, like

(01:47:08):
he got to that age where hischest was up.
It's like no, no, moms of blackboys.

Speaker 1 (01:47:13):
You have to tell them that should be the rule, but
people are not going to treatyou that way girl, when you're

(01:47:33):
dealing with egos.

Speaker 2 (01:47:34):
You're watching teachers and students getting
fights.
I'm like boy hush.
I don't need to know.
You got snatched up because ofyour mouth right I don't want
you to be the star that brokethe camels back and now y'all
fighting.
Yeah, that's what you know,like you, literally, there was a
time period when that's all wewere seeing was five videos
between student and teacher.

(01:47:55):
Yeah, I don't want that to beyour question.
Just be quiet.
Yeah, but because now they havethe audience between the adult
and the child they're going toput on it.

Speaker 1 (01:48:06):
Yeah, but I also feel like, as a teacher, it's your
responsibility to create a safespace for your class, right?
Because you should not as anadult, you should not.
As an adult, you should not bebacking a child right and
backing a child into a cornerwhere now they feel so

(01:48:29):
heightened and so escalated thatthey're ready to flip a desk.
That even if you have kids withbehaviors, because I've worked
in what we call like VEclassrooms, so a VE classroom VE
is what we call varyingexceptionalities.
Sometimes it's like they don'teven know how to categorize

(01:48:50):
these kids.
Something is wrong.
You got some explosivebehaviors.
I've had students who are likethey'll tell me up front, miss,
I'm just trying to not go backto jail.
Okay, I appreciate your honesty, like there's a way to handle
those situations.
But you have to be humble.

(01:49:13):
Number one you have to beknowledgeable when to see the
signs right, because certainstudents, certain kids, you
don't know what kind of traumathey are bringing into that
classroom.
So you keep poking the bear andthen you get mauled and it's

(01:49:33):
like, oh my gosh, poor teachergot attacked or whatever.
What?
But what led up to that?

Speaker 2 (01:49:40):
Okay, that took the door off the hinges.

Speaker 1 (01:49:43):
You're like that just don't happen.
Correct, that is not normal.

Speaker 2 (01:49:47):
They're saying oh door coming Like you had.
It has to be a built up energyRight.

Speaker 1 (01:49:53):
Right, and an escalated adult cannot
deescalate a child, so normalizehitting the buzzer.
Your colleague, you know what Ican't handle like.
I'm not in the right headspaceright now to deal with this
because I grew up on some, ifyou book, so I'm gonna let you
hint like I'm gonna need helpwith this situation because I

(01:50:15):
don't want to put my hands on achild like, as the professional,
you don't put yourself in thatsituation either, right, but and
as the adult, that's yourresponsibility I don't care what
is happening with that child.
When, as soon as they come intoyour classroom, they're showing

(01:50:35):
some signs, you will have thekid that's being the class clown
excessively like they'rewaiting for you to tell them no.
They want you to tell them no,right?
Yeah, they want that attentionof you telling them to sit down
so they can tell you no, becausesomething probably already

(01:50:57):
happened and now they're just,they're ready.
And I feel like kids.
I always tell people kids havemore energy than adults.
So don't think you, you know,don't.
Don't set yourself up to runthat race with them, because
they're ready, they've beenwaiting on this.
Don't give them thatopportunity.
So if I see myself, when I hadthose classrooms, I had the kids

(01:51:21):
on house arrest.
I had the kids going back andforth between alternative school
and then coming back to my roomand you know, if anything
happens, you're going right backto alternative school like I've
had that.
I've been pulled into meetingswhere it's like, hey, this kid
likes to knock out teachers, I'msorry what?
And there's no.

(01:51:43):
There's no self-defense againsta child.
You can't hit them back.
So here's what you do instead.
I'm sorry what.
In that case, let me pair withthis child and build a rapport a
little bit more.
So, if you feel like knockingsomebody out today, hopefully
it's not me.
It won't be me, it won't be me.
I don't want to get knocked outtoday.

Speaker 2 (01:52:04):
But kids' discernment is like see, even with a
nonverbal child, right when ifyou're talking about a child in
front of them, just because theycan't say nothing to you, don't
mean they didn't hear you talkabout them.

Speaker 1 (01:52:17):
Correct, absolutely.
They feel like someone when youdon't mean, they didn't hear
you talk about, correctabsolutely when you don't like
them.

Speaker 2 (01:52:24):
Yeah, they know your attitude.
Change how you show up.
Make them feel important.

Speaker 1 (01:52:27):
Yeah, even if they have a mean mug on their face,
let them know that you'reexcited that they're here today
yeah, I think the toughest classthat I ever taught in my entire
career was my eighth gradeclass that I had right before
everything got shut down, beforeCOVID, and I told my husband.
I was like, oh, this was such ablessing.
And he's like, what I'm like?

(01:52:47):
Honey, I kid you not, I don'tknow how I was going to make it
to the end of the school yearand I had started sending myself
back to like professionaldevelopment trainings, behavior
management trainings.
I was still in school to be abehavior analyst.
At the time I was finishing upmy classes and it was just that

(01:53:12):
was the hardest group that I hadever dealt with.
But because my background wasspecial education, it's like
they gave me all of them andpeople, teachers, would walk
past my classroom and be like,oh, you got that group.
Oh they, I had that group lastyear and I almost retired Like
they were terrible.

(01:53:32):
And I was so thankful when theysaid schools were closed for
COVID because I just mentallydid not know how I would corral
that group after spring break tomake it to the end of the year,
because after spring break youknow there's testing this, that
and the third.
But the kids, the way things areset up, they kind of already

(01:53:55):
know if they're being promotedto the next grade level or not
yeah so if they know they'rebeing promoted, even if they
fail the last nine weeks, thelast semester, um, they can
still be promoted to the nextgrade level.
What?
And certain kids?
They don't care about a gpa,they don't care about, you know,
the scheduling for high school.

(01:54:15):
So what's gonna motivate themto finish the school year strong
by the you know to, to keep ittogether for the next nine weeks
?
I?
I was running out of ideas andthen COVID hit and I was like,
thank God.
But then we started doing.
Um, what is that?

(01:54:36):
the virtual teaching yeah and Ihad a chance to see what their
home life was like on thatcomputer screen in the classroom
.
You know, being in their homelike they're in my home, I'm in
their home.
I got a chance to see adifferent side and it was
heartbreaking.
And then I felt it told thestory, yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:55:01):
It literally helped.

Speaker 1 (01:55:02):
you say this is why yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:55:05):
I get it, I get it now, yeah, absolutely,
absolutely.

Speaker 1 (01:55:10):
I can't tell you how many kids were like, basically
the parents of the house, like,hey, I got to cook, hey, I got
to this, hey, and I'm like, ohit, yeah.
House like, hey, I gotta cook,hey, I gotta this, hey.
And I'm like, oh it, yeah.
It was gut-wrenching to thepoint where it almost became
therapy just for us to sign on,just to be together, not even

(01:55:31):
like you know what, we canreview some vocab.
But how are you guys doing?
What's going on?
And it, it.
We built a rapport in a totallydifferent relationship outside
of the the classroom, because Igot a chance to see what was
really going on and then it justmade a lot more sense and I

(01:55:54):
just always where the aggressioncame from yeah, absolutely,
absolutely so.
But getting that experience.
It always puts me in themindset of even if you have a
kid with because we have kidswith mental disorders, cognitive

(01:56:16):
disorders, emotional disordersall of that can come out as
behavior, right, even if you'redealing with the most severe
case, teachers need to betrained on how to de-escalate
those situations and not make itworse, and they really need to
understand at that point.

(01:56:37):
You know, there comes a pointwhere you're not dealing with a
rational individual, right, ifyou're dealing with a little one
, if you're dealing with ateenager, if you're dealing with
a preteen, it's not there.
So that whole, I'm the adult,you're the child.
This is respectful.
That's irrelevant right now,with whatever they're going

(01:56:57):
through, whatever they havegoing on, that is completely
irrelevant and you need to takea different approach or this is
going to get worse.
So I always have that in mindand now I just try to apply it
to what I have going on in thehousehold.
But, like I said, I I make aconscious decision to be a
parent with my kid instead ofbeing his therapist.

(01:57:20):
So I also have to have thoseconversations with him like, hey
, I'm human, so don't get ittwisted like, take some of the
bass out of your voice because Imight be triggered now.
If if you want to have aconversation, we can have a
conversation.
But I feel like not too longago I even told my son like look

(01:57:43):
, I'm not ready to have aconversation yet, because I'm
just that upset and I don't wantto say something that I'm going
to regret later.
So I need you to step out of myspace Like I'm upset.
I need you to back up.

Speaker 2 (01:57:58):
Then Sarah will let me know when he does not want to
talk.
And I remember this one time hedid something that just really,
really, really, because I'mreally careful with my words and
I was like are you stupid orare you dumb?
He said Mom, are you serious?
Like you've never talked to melike that before, like if
there's only two options, you'recalling me.

(01:58:19):
Like you've never talked to melike that before.

Speaker 1 (01:58:24):
Like, if there's only two options, you're calling me,
but that's where I say likewe're human.

Speaker 2 (01:58:27):
I'm like like, just don't talk to me right now,
because I don't even want to saynothing worse than that.
But.
Yeah we're human, what do we doyou know?
So, like I, when I would talkto the teacher, I just have to
say, like I, I just really wantto hope that you didn't start
this journey of being theteacher for the straight a

(01:58:49):
student and even the straight astudent.

Speaker 1 (01:58:53):
I mean their personalities and their.
It comes with a lot.
It's it's a tough job, but I'mjust not for people breaking
kids down and I don't care whatkind of kid it is.
And I've dealt with, you know,I've dealt with students that I
absolutely do not like, but Iwould never let them pick up on

(01:59:15):
it, and I even had a studentcall me out, um, because they
had no clue.
They were like miss.
We heard miss so-and-so talkingnext door and she said you
don't even like us.
You don't like us.
I'm like why would they say thatI?

Speaker 2 (01:59:36):
do.
I don't like.
Did it make sense?
Well, yeah, so I just be likethese are little humans and we.
Their introduction to us shouldbe with love.
Yeah, cause we don't know thatmost likely a nine out of 10
times that behavior comes from.
Again, I work in human services, social social work.
If you're helping a personthat's going through domestic

(01:59:59):
violence, everything is cateringto mom, but the social workers
and the schools are probably notdoing what they need to do.
Or this kid probably done movedthree times, and who gets left
behind in the whole process?
it's the child yeah, absolutelyfailing because the work hasn't
been, you know.
So so much is going on withthis child and now, where you

(02:00:20):
have the kids that are thriving,it's amazing, but they're
failing and nobody knows why.

Speaker 1 (02:00:26):
Yeah, absolutely so, yeah.
So I want to know, as we cometo a close with this episode, I
want to know what advice do youwish you had been given a lot
sooner when it comes tomotherhood?

Speaker 2 (02:00:42):
wish you had been given a lot sooner.
When it comes to motherhood, Iwould say some advice I think I
would have liked to know sooneris that we're not supposed to do
it alone.
Okay, and asking for help isnot a bad thing okay, okay, I
like that because we'redefinitely not a bad thing, I
would say.

(02:01:03):
if leaning on family seems morelike they're judging you, then
see if you have a safe familiesin your area, because safe
families literally want to comealongside families and disciple
and just really love on them,like Christ loved the church.

Speaker 1 (02:01:22):
Oh wow.

Speaker 2 (02:01:23):
And so there you'll have a nonjudgmental,
unopinionated person probablytrying to tell you how to
navigate life and judging youoff of whatever you're going
through.
I think, when I had hitfinancial hardship, I think for
me what hurt the most no matterwho was helping and how they

(02:01:43):
could help was it looked like Icould have been irresponsible
with money and I had to gothrough my savings.
Okay, Right, and so I had to gothrough my savings.
But I had.
I was in a field that justdidn't cover me if I wasn't
working and not working would bemy kid is sick, so I can't go

(02:02:04):
to work, you know like ifthere's no replacement, so um,
just being able to like, lookfor a resource that could help
you navigate life and know thatyou're not doing it alone
because we're not mental andit's called safe families safe
family for children safefamilies for children.

Speaker 1 (02:02:24):
Okay, thank you for that.
I'm gonna um post that in theshow notes.

Speaker 2 (02:02:29):
Let me just write that down and I'll send you a
link to say family, so thatpeople can see what it's all
about yep, okay, and then I wantto.

Speaker 1 (02:02:39):
Before we wrap things up, how can our listeners
contact you If they wanted toreach out, if they wanted to
follow your journey?
What's the best way for them todo that?

Speaker 2 (02:02:52):
So everything across all boards is my name Marquisa
Tassie on my website that'sM-A-R-K-E-I-S-A-T-A-S-S-Y.
So MarquisaTassiecom.
My Instagram is Marquisaunderscore Tassie.

(02:03:13):
My fitness journey is Body byunderscore Kisa.
My podcast is Beautifuldisaster GPS and that could be
found on Spotify, but I do planon putting it on all platforms,
so that's how people can keep upwith me.
And again, I just live a fullytransparent life where I talk

(02:03:34):
about how to navigate all thingsthrough my pain turned purpose.

Speaker 1 (02:03:39):
I love that and thank you so much for sharing your
story with us.
Thank you for your time andyour insight, your resources,
your advice.
Like I said, I know I get a lotfrom just following your page,
your journey.
It does inspire me to try somethings I've been wanting to try

(02:04:00):
out, so I think, if I canbenefit from it, I know other
moms could definitely benefitfrom witnessing your journey.
So thank you again for yourtime and I look forward to just
watching the rest of your storyand I can't wait until your
other projects come out.
So I'll be looking for that aswell.

Speaker 2 (02:04:21):
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Let's see what God does, right,right.

Speaker 1 (02:04:25):
Hey everyone.
It's your favorite BCBAD here,dr DeLoren, and I'm here to ask
you to help us continue makinggreat content for listeners
everywhere by visitingwww.4hittymomscom, where you can
make a monthly contribution.
Also, visit us on Instagram,youtube, facebook and TikTok at

(02:04:50):
Foreshitty Moms and that'sshitty.
With an X, not an I.

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