EP 18: The Alchemist Mom: From Rashes to Radiance; One Mom’s Journey to Building Her Skincare Empire

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
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(00:42):
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It's time to put the kids to bed.
So y'all get ready for anotherepisode of For Shitty Moms.
All right, everyone, Welcome toanother episode of FSM.
I'm your host, Dr Lori, andtoday we have a special guest

(01:10):
joining us, an inspiringpowerhouse who's redefining what
it means to age beautifully andconfidently.
Melissa Baton is the founder andthe CEO of Belize Beauty, a
woman and minority-ownedskincare brand that's putting
mature women, especially womenof color, at the center of the
beauty conversation, with amission to nourish, uplift,

(01:33):
maturing skin through clean,inclusive skincare.
Melissa's work extends beyondjust products.
She's also preparing the nextgeneration with her children's
line, Little Naturals, which haseven helped clear up common
skin irritations like hand, footmouth disease, From tackling

(01:53):
the overlooked needs of hormonalskin to creating a space where
beauty evolves with grace.
Melissa is leading the chargein age-inclusive, melanin-aware
skincare and she's just gettingstarted.
And the most incredible part isthat she's building this legacy
while being a mom of three anda wife.

(02:14):
So let's dive into her journey,her vision and how she's
changing the beauty game fromthe inside out.
Melissa, welcome to the show,Wow.

Speaker 3 (02:27):
You have me tearing up over here Hi.

Speaker 1 (02:32):
Oh my gosh, all right , mel.
Well, thank you so much forjoining us on the show today,
and I just want to introduce youto the audience and, of all,
first and foremost, like tell usyour basic information, so your

(02:52):
name, where you're from,describe your family size to us
and then kind of explain what aday in the life of Melissa looks
like okay, uh, first of all, drLori, thank you so much for
having me, even asking for me tobe a part of this wonderful and
needed show, because, mommyhood, there are no directions

(03:14):
Exactly Creating your own worldand hopefully saving for the
therapy that the kids might need, whatever you don't do right,
right it's going to get intotheir thread, into their dna.

Speaker 3 (03:32):
So that's a reality.
You have to, we have to do thebest we can because we're
imprinting, yeah, every singleday, when you're not even
talking, you're imprintingsomebody's watching right,
absolutely, absolutely um, Ihave, uh, like you said, three I
like that saying three children, but actually my, my little
ones, my biological littlepeople, are four and six.

(03:54):
I have a son, makai, that's fourand my daughter, sivan, is six,
and then I have a bonus childthat is almost 30.
Yeah, I think he's 30 now, okay, and but it's just.
I could not ask for a betterjob at this point as far as

(04:17):
being the mom.
The mom is like a premierexciting thing for me, so I
really enjoy it.
Good, I'm glad to hear that youhave to get lost in the, in the
melee of oh, and on you to keepus on course.

Speaker 1 (04:33):
Right, no problem.
So can you tell us your, yourcurrent occupation?

Speaker 3 (04:38):
Sure, sure.
So actually I've also been inreal estate into design,
interior design and rehab,construction of homes,
beautifying.
I've been in that world andbefore that I was managing
really high end buildings andproperties in California and
Sunset Plaza and other parts ofCulver City and West Hollywood,

(05:00):
set plaza and other parts ofCulver city and West Hollywood
so really notable high end, uh,places, really beautiful
buildings and just a really goodopportunity.
I've always been creative,though.
So I, you know, I've alwaysbeen into the creation of
products.
I've always made things for myskin, you know, for fun, and I

(05:23):
make different type of recipesand meals to do certain things
with the body.
So I've always been creating.
Currently, I work with a companythat makes gorgeous textiles
and for high end buildings, andso I have, like my clients are
like really high end designers,interior designers that do like

(05:43):
elaborate homes, you know, forcelebrities or or special
buildings or you know, projectslike that.
So that's kind of my day joband, um, until I guess I'm
really, you know, comfortableenough to say, okay, I'm jumping
out of the, the, the airplane,you know, but right now I'm
enjoying that.
I started building Belly'sBeauty because of the hand-out

(06:08):
foot thing and, you know, havingkids.
Once you have kids, you seethings.
The whole world changes.
So I was fine doing my littleinterior design stuff and
projects.
But I realized now I have theselittle people that I'm in
charge of what happens in theirlife, what happens with their
bodies you know and and that wasthe main thing is I start

(06:28):
realizing all of the chemicalsand things out there.
And I said, okay, I'm workingduring the day, but at night
it's a whole different mission.
So at the end of the day, whenthey're in bed, that's when my
products come out, that's when Ido all my research and my
reading and doing a lot of stuffI have been doing, enjoying
quietly, you know, learningabout the antimicrobial

(06:49):
principles of certain foods andwhat you can do on the skin is
amazing, and so a lot of thesethings.
I really start realizing theimportance of it.
When there was a breakout atMakai school, I think it was
2023.
And I panicked.
I didn't know what hand, mouth,foot was and I was like what is
this about?
And all I know is the daycarelady contacted us all the moms,

(07:12):
and she said come and get yourchildren now.
I don't mean to scare you, butthere's a hand, mouth, foot to
break out and the school wasclosing for 10 days and we'll be
looking for you in the next 30minutes.
Please send your.
You know you either come orsend your nanny, whoever, but
come get the kids.
We're like what so we run out?
Of course I ran out, got Makaihome and for those 10 days he
was fine.
You know it was great.
I was like, oh God, they caughtit in time.

(07:34):
I asked the mother who we foundout which mom her kid was
infected, and so I wrote herprivately and told her I was so
sorry to hear that happened andif she had pictures, because I
was just wondering you know mycurious, you know alchemistic
mind I can go home and makesomething to help this woman.
I need to see what's happening.
So she was kind enough toactually send me photos and when

(07:56):
I saw those photos, dr Laurie,I was in tears.
For this one, two minutes, Iwas like, oh my God.
And she has other kids highlycontagious.
It's itching.
It's boils, it's like littleboils all over their skin.
It can pop up everywhere and ifyou don't do anything about it
it just spreads.
Pretty much the pediatriciansare like, oh, we're sorry, you

(08:19):
got that it's just a virus andthere's nothing we can do.
So we go on to two differentpediatric centers and talk to
her doctors.
They pretty much sent thiswoman home and said sorry and
hope you didn't affect the restof the school because
everybody's going to get it.
And that's just what's going tohappen.
And I was like, oh my gosh.
So I was panicked by that.
So, mind you, it's like dayfive or six.

(08:42):
Makai has no signs.
I didn't know anything beforethat, but now every night
between I don't know midnightand three, I'm now reading and
writing notes and doing all thisresearch Cause I said that's it
.
I'm going to make a cream,because if something breaks off
in here I'm going to havesomething to put on it, because
I have a daughter, I have ahusband that doesn't need to get

(09:05):
anything.
You know, men get stuff.
I mean, let's be real, Men getinjured, they get a little cold.
Love them to death.
They're wonderful creatures.
They do wonderful things in ourworld.
We couldn't live without ourwonderful partners in crime, but
we don't want them getting sickor injured if we can help Right
, absolutely.
Yeah, and if we can help, right,absolutely yeah, and so that

(09:27):
was the last thing I wanted.

Speaker 1 (09:28):
And apparently, when this virus hits adults, it's
worse.
Oh, okay, I didn't know that.

Speaker 3 (09:30):
So it can be painful.
It is painful, it can appear inreally weird uncomfortable
places we won't even say onscreen.
Yeah.
Okay, adults.
And so I was like this iscraziness.
So, sure enough, I was good byday 10.
I think day 11, it was aweekend.
So day 11 or 12, time to goback to school.
I had an appointment in SantaBarbara, so I was like, okay,

(09:51):
I'll drop him off on my way.
I get to the school, I turn tolook at him in the backseat
looking so cute and excited, andthen he goes.
So, mommy, oh, the spider websare coming.
I said what?
Yeah, mr bites and spider webs.
I said what are you talkingabout?
So I get out of the car, I go,I'm not even thinking about this
thing.
I go back, see, go to open hisdoor, and I look down his little

(10:13):
arm and there's like two big,just two, like it looked like
little spider webby bumps coming, red patches.
They were like growing, wakingup.
It was the craziest thing.
And then he had two fingers,the ring finger and the little
pinky.
The two things had bumps, likesome little bumps on them, and I

(10:33):
was like what?
Just a couple?
And I was like, oh, my god.
And the healthcare providercame right to the car when I was
going.
Oh, and she goes.
Oh, my, I'm so sorry, melissaMakai has it, that's it.
Don't worry about it.
We got to go and she goes.
I said bye.
I said Makai's crying Mommy, Iwant to go to school today.
I can't be here today.

(10:57):
So he, he cried the whole time.
I said I have treats at homethough I race home.
I had Lysol spray productsready, because you have to spray
constantly anything they touch,you have to be really neurotic.
I think that's the only reasonI saved myself and the husband
and my daughter, becauseliterally anywhere he went I was
like you know you clean, right,you quarantine him to a certain

(11:20):
spot in the house.
Okay, you can watch.
You know Peppa, you can watchPeppa Pig and you can look at
Bluey, but you do not move fromthis section of the living room.
And then my husband came in.
What's going on?
I said makai has that thing.
Don't go near him.
Wish him love from afar.
I don't need you up on himgiving him love.
You know like great you can'tdo that right now.

(11:42):
He goes well, because I'm adifferent species, you cannot,
but I can be close.

Speaker 1 (11:50):
Right.

Speaker 3 (11:51):
So I already had my directions.
I had purchased some thingsjust in case, so I literally
went into the refrigerator andpulled out all of my items,
sanitized the countertop andeverything, of course, made my
environment very clean as if Iwas in the ER somewhere, a lab,
and then I put all my items out.

(12:11):
I had my recipe and I began tomake the concoction that I had
been studying about.
And there was no concoction,mind you, it just was.
I'd been studying about foods,different things that could help
, and then I created my ownrecipe.
You know of adventure and Isaid okay, we're going in honey,
cause I am not having my kid bea speckled little leopard Right

(12:33):
.
All they tell you to do withthat thing is calamine lotion.
Yeah, and calamine lotion, hyperpigments, which means it leaves
dark spots behind.
It does not clear.
So any little kid, like thatlittle kid that had it before
that poor baby.
I haven't checked on his mom.
I need to check.
He probably has spotseverywhere still.
So maybe because he's littlethey might grow, go away.

(12:53):
But, usually they leave behind.
You know the darkness.
So, I was scared about that, soI started making this cream and
then I videoed it.
So I have video of all this andI'm like okay, everybody, this
is what we're making.
And Makai was such a greatlittle actor, so he wasn't
feeling any pain at this point,because mine just started.
That was day one okay, I caughtit day one yeah, you caught it

(13:15):
early, that's good early and soI made the cream and I started
applying the cream on him threetimes a day and videoing every
time.
I did it.
By day three they were dryingout, disappearing.
The little stuff was justdisappearing.
It didn't even really get to it.
Can it?
Can get to where it crests overthose bumps.
His didn't get to that pointbecause I guess I was on it

(13:35):
right away.
Okay.
So that was amazing.
So to have the video and himgoing mommy, look you're almost
gone you don't even see.
You know, he was evenmesmerized by it and I was so
happy, and then I didn't shareit with anyone Other people.
I said oh yeah, I made thiscream and stuff, you know,
because I was still feeling.
You know who am I?
I'm not a PhD, I'm not achemist.

(13:56):
You know my husband's a chemist.
I'm like, I'm not.
That's not my world.
So the last thing I want to dois start talking about putting
something out there that I'm notsure if it's safe for other
people.
But you know, it was my kid andit worked for us.
So I had that in my back pocket,I thought about it and I shared
it and some people are like nogirl you need to, there's
nothing out there.

(14:17):
You need to help people withthat, Right.

Speaker 1 (14:19):
Cause they, the doctors, do just send you home
Like it's a virus.
It'll pass, let it run itscourse, and that's that's it
yeah, that's it.

Speaker 3 (14:27):
They don't tell you anything.
So now I have this cream.
It's called creme de macaque,so belly's beauty is a is a
american brand, of course it's.
It's my little baby, spiritchild.
But at the same time I have alove for the french aesthetic.
I like their, their idea of youknow, the homey vibe and the
fresh, the yes, the unity, thecleanliness of the products and

(14:48):
their fruits and vegetables.
They do it a little differentlyand I like that.
So that kind of infused, andI've always been into the French
culture.
I used to be a part of a Frenchclub, so funny, and I speak a
little French, but not a lot.
I'm learning more and thecompany I'm with is French now
too.
So it's kind of it's all justlined up, and so creme de
macaque, which just meansmacaque cream, is the one that

(15:12):
has stronger antimicrobialthings in it.
Okay, for the hand, mouth, foot,and I can make it in different
levels.
So I'm actually customizing too.
I don't know how long I'll beable to do that before it gets
crazy, but because I'm still astartup and new, I now have
mommies that call.
They literally ask this iswhat's going on?
My kid has eczema and it'sbreaking out and there's nothing

(15:33):
.
And I have a creme de Sivan.
Sivan had eczema as a baby andshe still has a little bit.
Here and there she breaks out.
So I made a cream to all naturalvegan base that soothes the
eczema and helps.
So both of the creams are theymake, they ameliorate,
ameliorate the situation, theymake a hand mouth, but I don't

(15:56):
see it's a cure.
What I see is that it will getin, it will start drying it out,
it will localize it so it keepsit it from spreading.
So I'm kind of excited aboutthat.
I was able to keep.
I recently had another younggirl that had to use my creams
and we got it on day one and sheshe had the things in her mouth
so I, yeah, you yeah, mostdefinitely I need something for

(16:17):
that with popsicles, so that'sfun.
That's another day, anotherstory oh okay, cool, okay.
Yeah, in two, not even 30minutes, it started to feel the,
the bumps in her mouth okay, soyou're like really big on the
homeopathic.

Speaker 1 (16:33):
That's what I'm getting like yes some moms do
the crafting you're with thehomeopathic.

Speaker 3 (16:39):
Yes I'm a crafter too , but now I have into, I come
back into crafting for birthdayparties, for the kids' parties.
But, other than that.
I am really enjoying thisbecause it's so rewarding to see
people's skins.
You know heal and I'm actuallyhelping them heal and stop.
You know spreading of theseviruses where there's nothing

(17:00):
for it.
So right.

Speaker 1 (17:02):
So how in the world do you do all of this and you
still work like a full-time job?
Do you have a life Like what's?

Speaker 3 (17:11):
happening right now.
I'm hearing a lot.
I know, I know, see, I'm hearing, not you know what's funny.
I know I feel so bad.
I missed boots on the groundparty last night.
I'm so sorry.
Sylvia, my girlfriend had herparty and it was.
Siobhan got a little ill lastnight, had a little fever, and
she has a party today and I'mtrying to see if she's well

(17:31):
enough to go out.
She's better today, so much Ithink I do.
I enjoy life.
I do go out and do things withmy friends, but yeah, I try to
have fun, I try to find.
You know, I get out, I dothings with the kids, so there's
still things that go on but, itis.
It's kind of busy and I thinkthe job where I am is outside

(17:54):
sales, so I make my own schedule.
It's usually during the day I'mdoing things, having
appointments or calling ortalking with people, and then
some days it's mainly phone work.
But I use that time for work.
So I usually don't go into thismode until after five or like
weekends.
So that's the difference and Iyou have to time block.

(18:16):
I mean it sounds crazy, but youhave to plan because, yeah,
otherwise I'd be somewhere in alittle lab in the kitchen and my
kids are growing up and they'relike mom, I'm now old, I'm
about to get my learner's permit.
You haven't been out of thekitchen in six years, right?
I don't want to be that person.
So you have to plan and youhave to create, you know, time
for these different things, soright now it's okay.
Eventually I probably will haveto reorg, but I just I try to

(18:40):
manage my time and I have olderparents, so and that's another
thing I'm doing all the time.

Speaker 1 (18:45):
So so would you say like your current job with the
sales?
And I ask this becausesometimes I have moms who are
just curious about otheroccupations and trying to make a
transition or a pivot.
So would you say you work in amom-friendly industry.
What does that look like foryou with the two little ones

(19:06):
especially?

Speaker 3 (19:07):
wow, that's a really great question.
So I want to say that, um, withthis in the outside sales, in
that design, in that world, it'skind of friendly, it's okay,
it's not a lot of women okayit's not bad.
I want to say, in the skincareworld, I mean, most of these

(19:28):
brands have been, you know, menhave run the companies and, uh,
it's a very.
For many years it's been a verymale dominated uh world, until
you have, like rihanna and andsome other people who have come
into the makeup sector.
So if I'm going into the makeupworld, I'll say that, yes, it's
now becoming more about us andhello, shouldn't it be about us?

(19:50):
We're the largest consumers,right?

Speaker 1 (19:53):
Absolutely.

Speaker 3 (19:54):
You know.
So I'm excited about that, butyes, it's still pretty much male
of a big male presence and sobut we're coming through, we're
coming through and it's, it'sreally great.
Um, you know, my wonderful uh Iwant to say my uh horoscope
sister rihanna is also a pisceanand I also sing, so maybe I'm,

(20:18):
I'm uh, you know, I'm doing somemirroring.
Here I've been I think, yeah,I'm gonna.
I'm gonna make my productsfirst and I'll get to singing a
song later.

Speaker 1 (20:27):
I'll get back to that later, okay, okay.

Speaker 3 (20:32):
I gotta, I gotta save the kids I gotta save.
And it's also Lori, I'm goingto be honest.
It's also some vanity therebecause, you know, for many
years I, you know, I modeled andI I did things that I was in
front of a camera a lot and andon runways, and so you get used
to being and looking a certainway.
You just, you know, happensthat way.

(20:52):
But when you're getting olderand when your body starts
changing, when things arehormonally changing uh, I want
to say things that aren't somuch in your control you have to
work harder to to be creative,and I saw that in our space and
in the cosmetics and the.
You know, because I also makemakeup as well but, I'm on

(21:13):
skincare because you need tohave the the outside right
before you start putting thingson your skin.
You need to have your face inorder yeah definitely first, but
there isn't a lot of stuff foryou know, more melanated skin
and there, there are now there'speople are.
It's changing.
You know it's getting better inthe last five years.

(21:34):
I'd say 10 years, maybe not 10.
I'm gonna say five because it'sgetting where it's palatable,
where you can actually put it onand not look like a white mask.

Speaker 1 (21:42):
Oh yeah, that is true .

Speaker 3 (21:44):
Yeah, it wasn't quite right.

Speaker 1 (21:46):
Yeah, that is true.
I remember you're right,because a few years ago and by a
few I mean like maybe a littlemore than five years ago I took
a couple of classes to becomelike a makeup artist.
And even in the classes, youknow, you practice on each other
and I did a class and I'm like,okay, I look dead.

(22:12):
You know, at the time that waslike our safe space.
We had to have all of thesehours.
And now that I think about it,the beauty academy that I
attended, I was like one of twouh, african Americans in the

(22:32):
whole class.
So of course they make youpartner up.
Nobody wants to be our partnerbecause, they don't know what to
do yeah, oh my gosh, she's sopretty, but I don't know right
so that was like the worstexperience ever, and every time
I'm like, okay, I look great, Ilook all of it I look like I

(22:53):
don't like this and the even theinstructor was like oh well, a
lot of our products havesomething called mica in it and
sometimes you know when itsettles and when the skin
oxidizes like I don't care, Idon't like that.

Speaker 3 (23:07):
I look great.
I don't care the process.
What are you guys going tothrow up in there to make it?

Speaker 1 (23:13):
you know, make it more like color.
And the answer was nothing Likenothing.
That's how they make it, andthat's what it is so, back then,
like the only thing that wereally had to work with was like
Mac, yeah.

Speaker 3 (23:28):
Which is also a lot of talc I like.

Speaker 1 (23:30):
Mac.

Speaker 3 (23:30):
Yeah, they've come around and I think they're
making more mineral products.
But that was where I that waslike I want to say the 90s, yeah
To 2000s.
I was like, okay, this is cute,I like their.
You know the eyeshadows anddifferent things like that, but
the coloring was still.
It was still talc-based.

(23:51):
So that's what's bringing thegray, it's T-A-L-C.
Okay, talc is so inexpensiveand it's a filler of most
products because of its ability.
Same thing with mineral oil,which I don't like either.
Mineral oil is also anotherproduct that is a filler.
It's it's less expensive, soyou'll find it in oils and stuff
and basically, once you have iton, later it is drying, it

(24:13):
dries your skin out.
So you think lubricating, butlater it's going to become drier
.

Speaker 1 (24:18):
Oh wow, that's interesting, it's really really
strange.

Speaker 3 (24:20):
And talc is just, it's like a powder.
So, they're right.
It's the mica that they wereusing in the beginning, I
believe, was more of a white,you know, just a basic powder,
and now there's many differencesbecause they're starting to use
more pigment, which is color.
You put more color into aproduct, then it will sustain.

(24:41):
You'll get to see more of that.
But pigment is expensive.
We're not wanting to make forthe masses this expensive
product, and that's something tokeep in mind Whenever you're
making.
This is what I like.
I like to say my products forevery woman.
They're for everyone.
That's aging because we havehormonal changes.
But what I say is I payattention specifically to the

(25:03):
melanated skin because by doingthat now check this out by doing
that, we are elevating everyproduct, every piece of the
product.
When you make a product basedfor melanated skin, everything
has to be a step above, severalsteps above, because there are
other pieces that you have toadd to properly layer and make

(25:25):
the beauty that is us.
Right.
So when you do that formelanated skin, you've changed
the game.
Even when you put certain SPFs,you need to do certain things
to make sure it's not going tomake us gray and white.
You're elevating it.
It's a little bit moreexpensive of a process, when you
think about it that way, untilit becomes more normalized, I

(25:45):
think, and that's what why I'mso excited about you know, the
stuff Rihanna's done and youknow I think there's some other.
I keep just saying, rihanna,you know what can.
I say but I think that that haschanged the game.
I think what's the other?
There's another brand that Ilike a lot too.
Armani, I think, has done somechanges, and there's some other

(26:07):
ones.
I think.
Essie Lauder's trying yeah,they have one, yeah, Lancome.
They're trying to do more ofthis.
You know, melanated or more ofa pigment.
Yeah.
But there's still quite a bitof talc, so you have to play in
between those lines yeah, and itseems like they just need a
little more education out thereas well.

Speaker 1 (26:27):
Like I just don't understand how melanated skin is
, so uh, such a mystery forthese companies like they're
billion.
This is a billion dollarindustry and you know there are
tanning sprays that can give youthe effect.

Speaker 3 (26:45):
You can go, get a tanning spray and be my
complexion.
You're complete.
Look like us with a tanningproduct and you don't know, how
to make like basic like you said, SPF.

Speaker 1 (26:55):
I just found an SPF this year and I had to go to my
nurse practitioner and she'sblack and I finally found an SPF
and I didn't even know theymade it that high like SPF 75 so
she she has me wearing like anSPF now that I can wear with my

(27:18):
makeup or without it.

Speaker 3 (27:20):
I don don't look gray , I don't look greasy, I'm also
making a special one.
That is actually, and it's sofunny.
I came up with this idea a yearago, but I just I've been too
busy, I hadn't gotten to it yet.
So now this year, I'm startingto work on my SPF setting spray.

Speaker 1 (27:40):
Okay, oh nice.

Speaker 3 (27:42):
Really cool, and I stated this to a person in the
industry, a friend of mine, lastyear and then, just a few
months ago, I saw somethingtrying to come out, similar.
I was like, oh my God, did hetell?
Did he tell someone?
Because it's nowhere, it wasn'tout there, and all of a sudden
it's coming, and you know I.

(28:02):
So it's nowhere, it wasn't outthere, and all of a sudden it's
coming, and you know I, so it's.
I take a chance saying stuff outloud, but I'm already working
on it now and I'm getting readyto probably experiment with it
and I'll be coming to Florida tovisit soon and I probably will
have some with me and you willprobably have a little bit there
with the tribe.
So I want to get and there's acouple of things I'm planning to
bring, and I want to bring youone of the masks and some other

(28:23):
stuff that you can use and seeon your skin.
But it's, there's no reason.
It's just prioritizing.
I think it just wasn't apriority, to be honest.
Um, but now it's changingbecause you are, you have, we
have more people with differenttypes of skin types and color,
and, and the reason is a wait aminute and then we can make our

(28:45):
own things, and so that's kindof yeah, I'm here because it's
okay, don't rush to the tablenow, because I got it and I do
think it's important to haverepresentation, because it it
makes a huge difference when youhave someone who understands
the challenges that we have withour skin.

Speaker 1 (29:04):
I feel like within the last five years or so,
hyperpigmentation is like nowit's well known and people talk
about it all the time.
Before, you would never hearanything about it anything about

(29:26):
it and certain options to likeeven skin tone, where, like you
just hear about, oh, skinbleaching and and then that's
something that's taboo, it's sobad, it's so this, it's so that.
So I think the educationalpiece is just as important as
just raising the awareness inthe first place, because for the
longest, like I just startedwearing I and I hate to say this
I just started wearingsunscreen, like this year, and

(29:49):
my dermatologist is like whatare you doing?

Speaker 3 (29:52):
I'm like that's because you yeah, you probably
thought oh, I don't yeah, likeI'm melanated, I'm good, I'm
melanated.
I don't good, I'm melanated, Idon't need anything but no, and
that's one of the things that noone really talks about.
But then you get you knowAfrican-Americans or you know
people with more melanin.
You get us getting cancers,like in between the fingers or

(30:14):
they're finding out they have itsomewhere not so prominent on
the body, because you can stillget skin cancer.

Speaker 1 (30:21):
Yeah, and that's what she told me, and I'm like, yeah
, I'm like, are you kidding?
So?
Yeah yeah, that was an eyeopener.
So now I'm like, okay, let melike I am vigilant now about
wearing sunscreen and I honestly, it's still not because my

(30:44):
nurse practitioner or my doctortold me me I have that science
background, so I'm like climatechange is real, our ozone layer
is thinning.
The UV rays from the sun arenow like a lot stronger.

Speaker 3 (30:59):
Exactly, they are closer they are.

Speaker 1 (31:01):
we are turning into mercury here right, so now like
my scientific brain is tellingme to wear sunscreen, not.
Your doctor just told you, likefool, you have skin you can get
skin cancer like that wasn'tgood enough.

Speaker 3 (31:17):
So, and so here you are.
It's because your sciencebackground that you're listening
.
So imagine all the people thatdon't have right any of the
science background who are stilllike girl bye, that's one thing
I don't have to spend money on.
It's like no, if you're out inthe sun, if you're taking your
kids out in the sun and you'regoing to the beach and you're we
are, the sun is closer, we'regetting more rays, it's a lot

(31:40):
more.
You know this better than Iwould.
It is a lot more dangerous nowin the sense of the sun damage
and what we can be doing toourselves.
So it's important to try to,you know, put things on trying

(32:04):
to tell my son.

Speaker 1 (32:04):
Like you know, he's older, he's that pre-teen.
Right now he's 12.
So now I'm including that inour daily routines because I've
been trying to get him to learnhow to take care of his self,
take care of his body.
So now it's like, okay, that'sa part of your daily routine
wash your face.
Brush your teeth, you know.
Take a.
Take a shower, okay.
Lotion deodorant Okay.
Do you have an SPF?
Before we go outside, are yourarms and legs covered, depending

(32:27):
on what we're doing?
Do you have a hat?
So?
All of those steps.
I'm kind of taking it as asafety precaution, but I want
that to be a part of his routine, because these are things that
I didn't think about when I washis age.
But the world is different now,right, and when you know better
you do better you do better,yeah.

(32:49):
So with that, like, how do you?
tie this in.
I know you said like you hadMakai with you while you were
trying out the different things.
But, like as a mom, how do youintegrate these philosophies and
these, this sort of teaching,in your household to make sure
your kids pick up these habitsand you know make it a habit, as

(33:11):
opposed to them having to learnit like we're learning it as
adults now.

Speaker 3 (33:15):
So what does that?

Speaker 1 (33:16):
look like for you.

Speaker 3 (33:18):
Right?
That's a great question.
I think probably the mostimportant way to convey
relevance with anything thatyou're trying to get a little
person to do is by doing ityourself.
Ok, on the serum, and I'm doingdifferent things for my skin

(33:39):
and then I put the cream on, butwe do the same thing.
My husband and I do the samefor them.
When we get them ready in themorning, it's like okay, after
they've been washed up, and now,you know, right after face
washing, I also do a warm towelwash wipe on them in the
mornings when they're gettingready to have breakfast, I do
another little wipe down and atthat point, after that, the

(34:01):
cream comes out.
They know that they're gettingsunscreen.
They know that.
So that's a part.
If we try to leave or walk outof the door, even like on a
weekend or something like, do wehave enough sunscreen on me?
They know now.
So it's like you do just whatyou're doing.
You make it a part of a systemand you don't have to make it

(34:23):
difficult, you don't have tomake it deep and heavy.
You can get a fun sunscreen.
Well, little Naturals is thechildren's version of my line,
so Little Naturals with a Z,that will also.
I'm making there.
I'm also making a nice mineral,a pretty easy sunscreen that
you can put on, that also hassome nano oxide, which is the

(34:46):
powder that's gray, the white.
You know that it actually hasthe ability to keep the sun away
, but it's a natural product andso there's natural things that
we can do.
And then, when you have itthere, you're able to take care
of your kid and make it a systemand make it fun.
Like, okay, now we're going todo this, and that's really the
best way to train them onanything.

(35:07):
Is they're going to do whatthey see you do?
If you want your kid to readmore, they need to see you
reading.
Yeah, absolutely Anything youwant them to do, and I'm guilty
of that too.
I'm so busy.

Speaker 1 (35:25):
But I'm so busy but I'm like, oh, I want her to read
some more books, so let me gotake that book out that I was
reading about this new product.
I'm going to do I'm just goingto go read it in front of her.
And I just said I was going todo that because my kid acts like
a book, is like his kryptonite,like why would I do that?
That's funny.
So I do a lot of like audiobooks and I'm like you need to
read, you need to.
And I'm like you need to read,you need to.
And I'm like, wait a minute, hedoesn't see me reading.
So let me check myself first,and you know, let's just make

(35:48):
that the norm in the house.

Speaker 3 (35:50):
Like, we'll get a physical book.

Speaker 1 (35:52):
We'll go to the store , we'll go to like the bookstore
or the beach and kind of chillout.

Speaker 3 (36:04):
So you know once he is, he's able to see me doing it
now.

Speaker 1 (36:05):
Hopefully he'll pick up those habits.
So how would you describeyourself as a mom?

Speaker 3 (36:09):
I am, I think I'm.
I'm probably a helicopter momthat's trying to Let go of some
of that.
OK watch those stairs.
If you fall you could bust yourhead open and then we're going
to end up in the emergency andthis is going to happen, and
then you're going to have thislittle scar.
I'm going to have to makesomething to try to fix that
scar.
You're going to be across thefront of your head and that

(36:32):
could all have been prevented.
If you realize the stairs arenot for playing.
So I'm one of those, you know,and at the same time you know
I'm a cool mom.
You know they like to have icecream, so we have.
You know, most kids only getice cream on the weekends.
My kids get it every couple ofdays, or a little ice cream here
after dinner or something,because my husband is a big ice

(36:53):
creamer.
So if you have someone.
That again, if kids are seeingwhat goes down in the household
and you're trying to tell them,but for them it's a different
story.

Speaker 1 (37:03):
Right, that probably won't work.

Speaker 3 (37:05):
Yeah, so how I modulate that, I'm like, well,
daddy might have it every day orsomething.
He's vegetarian, so he may begetting his dairy whatever you
know but that's not how we'llcome up with some reason for
that.
But we're not doing that.
You guys are going to have itevery single day, so it's going

(37:25):
to be special.
So I'm learning that I can letthem do have a little fun with
what they want.
But then I also have to addsome type of you know barometer.
There, too, you got to helpyour kids have a.
You got to navigate with them.
Yeah, not just always to them.
You do this, you're going to dothat.
You got to help your kids havea.

(37:45):
You got to navigate with them,not just always to them.
You do this, you're going to dothat, you're going to do.
You know, I've realized.
So I think I'm a good momthat's learning to, to, to kind
of adapt.
Our kids are not growing up inthe time that we grew up in, you
know.
So I think Makai was able toturn on and off an iPad.
His little what is it?
Yeah, his little iPad.

(38:05):
He was able to turn that thingon and off.
He knew how to go and findthings and move things around
the screen, like he's only four.
He was three.
He was able to navigate thingsand move things and understand.
So we learn differently.
So I think I'm pretty good withyou know, realizing that this

(38:26):
is a modern world.
This is you know, not you knowthe day we grew up in.
You have to control it.
You know you can't let them beon these computers all the time,
every day, every minute, butthey are in their lives.
You know it is a part of theirlife.
So you just have to try to beyour best self and work on self.
I feel like I do have a lotgoing on.

(38:47):
I have a lovely therapist thatis kind of like my little
personal helper, personalassistant.
If I have a lot going on, Ijust need to talk to somebody
about some things, so I advocatethat.
A lot of people, you know,don't understand the idea of
therapy, or they say, oh no, Ihave the Bible or I have God and

(39:09):
I don't need it and all that,and that's great.
You can have God.
It doesn't have anything to dowith having a therapist, though,
but it is really fun to havesomeone that you can talk to
about things that are thatyou're trying to work through to
be a better version of yourself.
There's nothing wrong with that, and nowadays it's easier to
access that.

(39:30):
There's apps there's, you knowthere's, there's people that are
on line to help people.
So if you can't go somewherelike I don't go anywhere for it
because I'm so busy but I can,you know, call her up, I can
plan a date and we see eachother online and talk about
things, and we do it that way.
And that's really helpful.

Speaker 1 (39:47):
Okay and then?
So what are some of thechallenges that you're facing
right now as a parent, Like?
What are your top three?

Speaker 3 (39:55):
Oh, boundaries.
Okay, I think, number oneboundaries, number two
boundaries, number three, numberthree boundaries.

Speaker 1 (40:02):
Oh, wow, okay, so elaborate.
Uh, what do you mean byboundaries?
Okay?

Speaker 3 (40:07):
so I shouldn't say all three maybe, maybe two
boundaries and one love yourself, just self-love, remembering
that we are.
As long as we're doing what weneed to do through love and
through respect of ourselves andthe little people that you're
trying to raise, then you'redoing okay.

(40:27):
Okay.
You know it's, it's.
I think we beat ourselves uptoo much.
We think, oh my gosh, likewe're trying to be so perfect.
There is no perfection.
Right, there is no perfectparent.
There's only loving parentsthat work hard and try to make a
difference, and then parentswho don't.

Speaker 1 (40:46):
Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 3 (40:47):
You're either a parent that dials in and tries
to be there in part of yourkid's life and make sure that
they're able to come to you, andif you're not so good with that
, then you make sure you have afamily member or therapist or
you have someone that can helpthe child get through those
parts that you maybe can't getthrough.
So I think that's important.
Boundaries would be likethey're so cute.

(41:08):
I think that's naturalselection, that they come here,
right, and so when they'rereally cute like that and mommy,
I want, mommy, please, pleaseand they have that little face
oh you can't say no, have youseen?
uh, what is the one pause?
What's the movie with?

Speaker 1 (41:27):
them like puss in boots.

Speaker 3 (41:28):
The big eyes the big eyes, and so the kids have this
way of like.
They give you that, look, oh,and you're like oh, my god, okay
, one more cookie and that's itand no more cookies.
And I realized you got to be alittle bit, you know it's like
no, you know.
So I'm learning to just say youknow, honey, I know you love

(41:48):
the cookies, but you just had toremember we said two was the
limit today, so we're going toleave it at that and let's go do
blah, blah, blah, blah.
Well, I want it's like you knowwhat?
Okay, and you try to distract.
You say, look, we're going todo this Mommy wants to do.
Have you seen this?
Look, there's this new movieout.

(42:09):
Okay, let's go do that.
Let's do something else, let'sjust distract ourselves and be
okay with the kid being upsetwith you for a little bit.
I think that's something too.
We don't want to upset them, orwe don't want them to be mad at
us, and then we don't want tofeel like we let them down.
At least that's my issue.
I can't say that's everybody'sissue.

(42:31):
And then I realized I said youknow what you have to.
It looks better and it's moreimpressive later for the kid if
you learn to show themboundaries yeah absolutely just
show them that there's no.
If I can just complain and andjust act, crazy enough and mom
will bring that cookie box backout, yeah, you can't.
You can't do it that way.

Speaker 1 (42:50):
Yeah, in the world of behavior therapy.
I I always call that like that,that slot machine parenting.
You kind of fall into thatcategory and really what's
happening there.
We call it a variable ratio ofreinforcement.
So what that?
means is kind of like the slotmachine.
Like I put my coin in, I pullthe lever and like, oh, I could

(43:14):
get that reward.
No, not this time, let me tryagain, let me try again, let me
try again, and then you hit bigand it's like, all right, great,
now I'm gonna try again, andI'm gonna try again, and I'm
gonna try 10 more times, becauseI just might get that reward
right, right, and then youcreate that's exactly I like
that and they become morepersistent, like I'm gonna wear

(43:36):
her down I'm gonna get thatcookie.

Speaker 3 (43:39):
I'm going to get some more of that.
You know, and that's true, wedo it, we, and that's that I
think.
So so boundaries um acceptingthat there is no perfect parent
we're not perfect and threebeing cool and confident enough
to go get help.
Okay.
I like that To talk to.

(44:00):
If you need a professional, ifyou just need if you have, if
you're fortunate enough to havegood family or someone in the
family that has this extraknowledge and can help you, then
use that.
It's about not being caught upin this old age of dodge of.
You know the Lord gets methrough it all and I don't need

(44:22):
anybody to tell me.
This is what cause.
That's not, that's not youabout to have somebody going to
therapy?

Speaker 1 (44:28):
at 12.

Speaker 3 (44:29):
My mom never talked to me, but she was always in the
room with her hands up lookingup, but she didn't tell me
nothing.
And you know, I mean we have.
We have to realize that God isgreat, but you have to look
outside.
You got to look at the peoplethat God put in your world, that
studied hard to be there tohelp you to learn.

(44:49):
That's all godly.
Also, people that actually likeyourself, who have taken the
time to get doctorates ineducational self-awareness.
Helping other people, helpingchildren that's huge.
Everybody doesn't helpingchildren that's huge.
Everybody doesn't do that.
So that's of God.
God has sent you this person,or whoever you believe in,

(45:11):
buddha.
Buddha has brought forth theidea for this person to study
this, to be there to help others.
So we need to dial into thatand not be afraid of that,
because the end result is betterhumans.

Speaker 1 (45:23):
Yeah, absolutely, and I feel like now we're in a time
where it's not as taboo anymore, so people can openly talk
about like, oh, I go to therapyor oh, my therapist.
And it's slowly becoming asocial norm, as opposed to like,
oh, you're in therapy, like asif something is wrong, where

(45:45):
sometimes you can do therapy tomaintain what you have.
You know or just to check in,and sometimes you need someone
who's not related to you to giveyou an objective point of view
and perspective.
Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 3 (46:02):
Exactly, exactly.
That is so true, and thatprobably was me, like there was
a time I probably would havebeen like, oh my gosh, she needs
therapy.
Oh my gosh, larger and morefulfilling goals and plans and a

(46:26):
multi-billion dollar skincaremakeup brand, vegan, and things
for children.
I have all these grandioseideas and plans and they can
happen, but you have to alsomake sure you have your
headspace in order, yeah, andthat you have, um, some, that
someone that can relate to youon that level.
And, yes, outside, outside offamily, less family but no, you
have to have people that are notconnected to you in that way to

(46:49):
help see what it is, that yourtrajectory, what you're trying
to get to, because often peoplethat don't see not everybody's
going to see the way you seeSuccess is different for
everyone and some people havetheir own stuff to work through,
so you can't go to people thatare still that don't have their
own stuff together to tell youwhat you're going to be doing,

(47:11):
because that's just a road tonowhere.
So you have to do the work andyou have to then put yourself
with like-minded people that aretrying to get the same types of
things that you're doing andthat's real.
So not being afraid to just youknow, I'm learning to
motherhood is amazing, and it'sone of the best ways to set you

(47:34):
up for doing other very relevantthings for yourself that you
want to do, because when youlearn how to navigate the world
of raising little people andbeing there for them as well as
you have to take care ofyourself.

Speaker 1 (47:49):
Yeah, most definitely .

Speaker 3 (47:50):
That's going to become second nature.
If you don't take care of you,you cannot take care of these
little people.

Speaker 1 (47:55):
And you really have to learn to prioritize taking
care of yourself first so thatyou can be the best, your best
self for those little ones whoare depending on you.
So, with that being said, whatdoes your mommy village look
like?
You spoke of like like-mindedindividuals, so who pitches in
to help you out?

(48:15):
You have a lot going on, careerwise, and then entrepreneurship
and marriage and trying to havea social life.
What does your mommy villagelook like?
How do you navigate all ofthese different circles that?

Speaker 3 (48:32):
you're a part of that's it.
That's another terrific questionthere, because what I'm finding
is I'm, you know, my mom, whoI'm a bloomer, I'll say, because
I have my babies later.
So some of my, a couple of myclosest girlfriends, like my
little circle, I have a coupleof these just amazing, amazing
women in my life, amazing.

(48:53):
I'm really blessed, and one ofmy main groups we are, you know,
all around the same age andtheir kids are all like you know
, 15 or are, you know, allaround the same age and their
kids are all like you know, 15or 18, you know.
And then I have these littlebabies, so they're there for me
whenever they can be.
If I'm, if I'm runningsomething or doing some
organization, like what can wedo?
Oh, you need this or that.

(49:13):
And then I have my bestie, wholives in California with me, who
has older children too.
So it's like I didn't do it atthe same time.
So it's not like necessarily,mommies that I grew up with that
knew you know that we're allhaving babies together because I
did it later.
So that was a different spin onit.
So my mommy group, that is, mykids ages, are also wonderful

(49:35):
too.
So mommies that are that, youknow, our kids are in the same
class and we do, we.
We go get our nails donesometimes.
Sometimes we just call eachother girl, how are you doing so
?
What are you doing?
Oh my gosh.
And so we keep in touch.
That helps a lot.
Okay.
I don't.
I think the main thing isthere's always birthdays or

(49:56):
there's parties or there'ssomething going on, so you find
yourself keeping up with theseother moms that way too.
Okay.
So we bring our kids togetherand that's a good way to let
them play and then we talk.
You know you can do things likethat, but I have a really good.
I feel like I have a goodnetwork if I needed it, but for
the most part little day-to-daythings.

(50:17):
That's on me and my husband andI have, you know, my husband
and I have, you know, a helper.
I have someone that helps, likea nanny, that comes and she's
with us maybe three, three tofour hours a day, like towards
the day if I'm still working, sothat way I can finish up with
work and then at six you knowit's I'm back in with the kids.
So she helps like from maybefour to six, okay, and that

(50:41):
helps just that little bit, andthat's just Monday through
Friday.
You know, school time and, um,yeah, you, just you have to
learn to kind of organize yourspace.
And if you can't have someonehelp you, then you find child
care stuff, you find some afterschool programs, you find things
that you can rely on.
So we do that too, because theafter school, school these days

(51:03):
is out by two o'clock.

Speaker 1 (51:04):
Yeah, exactly, it is not conducive for a working mom
Right.

Speaker 3 (51:09):
Oh, it's two o'clock, that's lunchtime for most of us
.
Right, it's like I'm going toget out of this meeting.
I know we're in the middle of ameeting but my kids are out.

Speaker 1 (51:22):
right now I'm going to go get them and oh, I won't
make it back in time.

Speaker 3 (51:24):
so yeah, car line and all that good stuff dropping
off, yeah, so you have to do theafter school stuff, which
usually kicks in from two tofive or something, or two to six
, and that's helpful, um, butyeah, I think it's important to
have a village, and even if yourvillage is just you and one
other amazing friend yeah yourvillage does not have to be, you
know know, eight to 12 womendeep.

Speaker 1 (51:43):
Right.

Speaker 3 (51:43):
You know, I do have a six.
I have one that's six, I haveone that's four, and then I have
a one.
So I've got different villages.
But that main thing is if youhave, if you're nourished by
just one amazing friend that canrelate to you and help you or
say, okay, I'm coming over orI'm bringing my kid, or we're
gonna come and take your kid andyou just go get your nails done
, or whatever, you're havingjust one good person.

(52:05):
That is probably the mostimportant thing.
Focus on just having one greatperson you can depend on.

Speaker 1 (52:10):
Yeah, absolutely and and.

Speaker 3 (52:13):
If you have a village , that's terrific yeah, but a
village is.

Speaker 1 (52:16):
It's a, it's a mindset too yeah, because you
want to be careful with, like,who's pouring into your kid when
you're not around, becausethat's a whole nother that's a
whole nother show yeah, I feellike my husband and I were
learning how to navigate that umreality, because you never know
what other kids you mayencounter, other kids who are

(52:38):
the same age as your kiddo.
So it's like, oh, we shouldhang out, we should do this.
Like if we meet kids on thebasketball team and they have
similar interests, it's like, oh, maybe we can hang out.
And then you come across theseparents and if their dynamic is
a little off, it's like, ooh,what did we step into?
Now we have to break up withthese parents.

Speaker 3 (53:01):
We're going to have to break up with these parents
and we're gonna have to break up.
Yeah, oh my god, you gonna tellthem.
No, I'm not gonna tell themexactly, you found them.

Speaker 1 (53:06):
You tell them, you walked up to them first, yeah so
even my husband and I, likeafter a few um awkward
encounters with other parents,we've stopped trying to do the
whole like, oh, maybe the kidsshould link up.
Like my husband and I are likeI think we went to one birthday
party and we were having a greattime and the kids were getting

(53:30):
along and then somethinghappened and the wife made a
comment to her husband like oh,you see, how he does this, you
don't do that, and it was likeoh honey.
I think oh, I think it's time togo.
Oh man, like it was just soawkward, like uh your husband is

(53:55):
right there, he can hear you,we can hear you, like what's
happening, what's happening,what's happening here and you
know it.

Speaker 3 (54:03):
I'm gonna, I'm gonna just suggest something.
If that was a good umrelationship, possibly, like if
the kids and you guys reallygelled, it could be not that you
got time for it, but it couldbe a teaching moment, it could
be a chance where later you callbe and you say Becky, we really
had a great time, we're reallyhaving fun.

(54:24):
But you know, it felt it was alittle difficult to hear blah,
blah.
What do you think about that?
because it would be nice if wecould still hang out now if it's
not something you're, you'reinto that way, then yeah, you
just say, ah, it's time to go.

Speaker 1 (54:38):
This is great, thank you, yeah.
I think, if I would, have hadthat approach, she probably
would have like chewed my headoff.

Speaker 3 (54:44):
So we were just like oh this is all right um say
goodbye, get your, get yourparty favor get your hat get
your hat, get your shoes on,yeah, so now we're just really
that's terrible.
I hate when that happensbecause I feel that's like

(55:09):
what's going on in our world too.
There's this polarization ofjust difference, where we see
something that we don't agreewith, that wouldn't necessarily
fit, and I'm learning about thistoo.
I have a girlfriend that I knowwas a how should I say?
A chumper, okay, and I was like, okay, you know, for her, there

(55:30):
is something in that for her.
Now that made me have to thinkabout other aspects of the
friendship and I said, okay, wow, did she not see it?
Yeah, right, you go down thatrabbit hole of like, did she not
see?
It.

Speaker 1 (55:41):
Yeah Right, you go down that rabbit hole of like,
you start going down that rabbithole and then my husband says
something to me.

Speaker 3 (55:46):
He said, honey, you know what, don't worry about her
politics, don't worry about her.
That Unless you see that it'staking the friendship on a weird
twist of something.
If you can find out, becauseeverything comes to a head.
I don't think she's chompingnow.
She's not chomping now, sothat's what happens.

(56:08):
People sometimes have to havetheir own reality check and
their own way of seeing what'sgoing on and if there's a long
enough friendship there, wherethere's a love and a value there
, that you've seen great aspectsof this person in there and you
know they're good, like she'sreally a good person.
I know that already.
For someone just to have adifferent idea from you is not

(56:31):
necessarily doesn't mean we haveto toss them.
It might mean that it's anopportunity to talk to them and
get them to know, because it'sprobably something they just
it's a miseducation, it's justprobably something they did not
know and no one really gave themthe chance to be taught it.
So they just stayed thinkingthe way they were thinking,

(56:51):
walking down that rabbit holethey're walking down until
someone said you know what,didn't you?
We just had a great time.
Now, what about this, this andthis?
Have you thought about this?
I mean like, oh well, no,because my grandpa did that.

Speaker 1 (57:07):
And yeah and grandpa said it was right, yeah, this is
what I've been told for years,and granny, granny was yeah, so
that's what they did.

Speaker 3 (57:15):
Well, I never really thought about that.
So I had a woman recently who Imet in the design world, that
that kind of thing happened.
She and I just had a connection.
She was great, she's a greatdesigner, but she said straight
up who her grandparents were andwho they are and who they still
are today, and she said it'sjust so crazy and I don't agree
with any of that.
She said what do you thinkabout?
So I found that she startedcalling me and talking with me

(57:40):
in a very cool, unapologetic,very straightforward way and
just wanting to talk to me aboutmy life and what things are
like, and and then tell me abouthow she's always felt different
and and how, um, we just haveto respect each other and and
change.
So in her family she's thatperson now.

Speaker 1 (58:01):
She's the one who's teaching, and that's what I was
going to say because I have hadsome really close friends and I
just completely cut them offbecause I feel like that piece
was missing.

Speaker 3 (58:13):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (58:14):
If you're going to be an ally, don't be an ally to me
in my face.
Go, take those same ideals toyour family and have those
conversations.

Speaker 3 (58:23):
That's right, don't have it with me.

Speaker 1 (58:25):
I live it every day.
I don't need to talk about it.

Speaker 3 (58:27):
Right, I know what I'm doing.
Right, right, unless you're,unless you're trying to get some
intel to go help your innercircle Right.

Speaker 1 (58:34):
But I didn't feel like this woman was doing.

Speaker 3 (58:36):
She was trying to ask me things, to have that
conversation with them.

Speaker 1 (58:41):
I feel like go do your research like don't ask me
I live it every day, have thatconversation with your spouse,
that you, you won't have thoseconversations with go have a
conversation with your spouse.
Go have that conversation withyour in-laws, right.
Go have that conversation withyour family.

(59:02):
I don't need to talk about itanymore.
This is everyday life for me,so you must really care about
that friend, because I know I'vehad some really good friends
that I'm like excuse me, done.

Speaker 3 (59:15):
Like figure it out on your own Like sadly, sadly, I
have some of those where it justto me it was like, uh, you
understand, yeah, so you figurethat out and and let me know,
but the ones who do the extramile.
I have a lot of friends thatwere like, wait, wait, wait, I
want to, I want to be there.
So those are the ones that Iand I have more of that than the

(59:38):
other gotcha oh's good.
So it's a good thing because Isee how it has shaped who they
are and how they are helpingtheir other family.
They're helping friends andfamily that didn't see things
they're not like oh well, Ididn't know.
And so it feels crazy and atthe same time it feels hopeful,
because again we see we're beingtold that things are so this,

(01:00:04):
but there's a lot of more ofpeople, there's a lot more of us
having likeness in the world,and I guess geography has a lot
to do with it as well, becausewe do not have that experience.

Speaker 1 (01:00:16):
You know, we are in South Florida, we are down south
and it is the twilight zonehere, to the point where even
conversations with my own, myson.
I've been wanting to take himout of public school because
some of the you know, sometimespeople are like, oh, they need,
like don't do homeschool, theyneed the socialization.

(01:00:37):
I don't like the socializationthat he's getting at a public
school and he's at a very goodpublic school.
It's a highly coveted school.
The kids apply to it.
They have all these greatprograms.
And he will come home asking usquestions that are really

(01:00:59):
political, and he just has theseviews on history and I think
what did it for me is he camehome like oh, because the
holocaust was worse than.
I'm like stop right there, andthat next word better not be
slavery.
But that's where he was goingand I'm like stop, stop so, and

(01:01:27):
like he's come home asking about, like immigration, and I'm like
what the heck is going on butthese are conversations that
they're having amongst theirpeers in the cafeteria and I'm
like, okay, so now, now we hecomes home and around dinner
time, like homework, when we'rewinding down now every single
day, it's like, all right, giveme the tea, what's going on?
And that's when he just likeunloads, like okay so-and-so

(01:01:51):
said.
This is that true, and now wehave to unpack and I have to
change his perspective, becausehe's the minority in that
environment, right?
So if everyone around you issaying one thing, he's just
right, along with his friends,and I have to ask okay, what?
Is their background like whoare you talking to?

(01:02:12):
Because this is not the casefor us.
So let me give you thebackground story, let me show
you what this really looks like,let me give you all of the
details, and then you arrive atyour own conclusion.
So then, I'll tell him like okay, this is this, this is how it.
This may be the case for them,this is not the case for you,

(01:02:34):
this is not the case for yourfamily, this is not the case
with your background, this iswhat it looks like for you.
And then he's like oh, so whywould they do that exactly?
So why?
Would they so?
The other day he was like butwhy would their?
Parents vote for somebody whowould do those things did they
know?
So now he's like peoplecouldn't possibly know.

Speaker 3 (01:02:56):
I'm like honey they knew wow, it's like the root and
all this yeah, the rootawakening and all this stuff.
It and what 10 right, he's.

Speaker 1 (01:03:04):
He's 12 now and I'm just like.
This is a lot like I justwanted you to go to school and
have a school experience likethis is a lot to unpack and a
lot of these conversations I'mnot ready to have with him, but
if we don't, I can already seesomebody else is going to have
that conversation and that'sgoing to shape his view.

(01:03:25):
So now we're highly selectivewith like who are you talking to
who?

Speaker 3 (01:03:31):
are you playing with?
Where are you?

Speaker 1 (01:03:32):
going.
No, we're not going toso-and-so's house.
You're never going toso-and-so's house, it's not
happening and I just have to bevery like yeah, yeah, yeah,
you're right happening.

Speaker 3 (01:03:43):
We, we are our only, we're the only gatekeepers.
Yeah, we have to be gatekeeperof our own children because
they're going to learn certainthings, they're going to see
things, you know, unfortunately,when we're not around, you know
stuff's going to happen acertain way, um, and we have to
just kind of figure out howwe're gonna have those talks and

(01:04:05):
and make sure that we I thinkthe main thing is keeping that
open communication yeah, mostdefinitely they will have those
talks with us.
The fact that that becomes afterdinner type thing with your son
, that is so wonderful andthat's how it has to be.
They have to be comfortabletalking.
We do that in the mornings,usually when we're getting ready
, and it's like oh, so you knowhow was camp, so what was this?

(01:04:28):
And you know we have thosechats so we can see who's doing
what, what kids saying what.
I know one of the questions.
I saw that when I was readingmy sheet from before the.
It was about one of the hardestexperiences, and one of my
hardest experiences was knowingthat another little kid that I

(01:04:50):
like and the mother is very cool.
We all are just copacetic,everything's flowing and it's
great.
And then I find out her kid,though, was using bad language,
was saying some things to mydaughter that weren't
appropriate.
My daughter came back and shesaid I was like whoa, and I was

(01:05:11):
like, oh, no.
So this, this was probably oneof the hardest days, because you
have to sit back, you have tofirst, you have to breathe, and
she, yeah, oh, remember, it's akid.
Okay, slow down, whoa, wait aminute.
Run up on nobody's kid.
That's not the way we do this.

(01:05:32):
You can't fight kids, okay,okay, not appropriate, not
apropos.

Speaker 1 (01:05:37):
Slow down.

Speaker 3 (01:05:38):
So you have to stop and you have to take a breath
and then you have to take a beatbecause your kid is watching
your response.

Speaker 1 (01:05:44):
Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 3 (01:05:45):
And now you're shaping how this little person
sees things.
So I took a breath.
I said OK, first I'm going toneed you to tell me that story
again.
So slow down, tell me where youwere, what went on before that,
and then tell me that.
So it gave me time to process.

Speaker 4 (01:06:04):
Okay, so I heard everything.
I heard the whole thing thefirst time you got the tea Okay
you got the tea?

Speaker 3 (01:06:08):
Oh heck, no.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This can't be happening, notwith this kid, no Right.
So I I asked for that breakdown, and that allowed me time to
calm down and listen.
Just hear what my kid wassaying, other than the bad words
.
I could hear what?
What went on first?

(01:06:29):
Yeah, and that helped a lot,because then I could also detect
this.
It almost sounded like this kidwas doing something or saying
something they'd heard somewhereand then try it out.
That's often happening.
You don't know what's going onin other people's homes.
And a lot of times the kids aretrying out what they saw or
heard, and that's what it feltlike, and so it wasn't right,

(01:06:53):
and so I don't know if this isright.
So, doc, this will be somethingI can ask you.
So what I did when thishappened is I told my kid that,
yes, she's correct, that was notthe right language.
And I said did you tell herthat was not good?
She said yes, mommy, I told hershe cannot talk to me that way
and that we don't use thosewords, those bad words, and we

(01:07:14):
don't talk that way.
And then I went, I said and didyou walk away and tell her you
weren't going to play or talkuntil she apologized, or yes?
And I went and did somethingelse and she was like well, and
she tried to make a reason.
And then she told her someother thing, like well, and if
you tell your mom that, f hertoo.
And I said what?

(01:07:35):
That's where I lost my breath,that's where I lost my breath a
little bit.
I said, hold on, mama can'tbreathe, hold on.
She said what?
Oh no, she said what the wind.
And I was like, oh, my God, andthere's six.
So that this was crazy and thisis a kid.
That that is not even her.
You wouldn't even imagine thatit's like a little Minnie Mouse

(01:07:56):
and then hear a Minnie go andyou're like that's not a Minnie
Mouse trick so I had to to takethat in.
And I told I said you know what?
Okay, I said I'm gonna have todo something about that.
So I was debating okay, am Igonna call?
her mom and say that and thenput this weird you know little
thing between mom like mess upour little relationship.

(01:08:17):
Maybe put some weird you knowlittle thing between the mom
like mess up our littlerelationship, maybe put some
weird energy between her and herkid to try to get the little
girl you know, cause sheshouldn't be saying that.
I said, or is there another way?
I said, well, I'm just going towait and I'm going to, I'm
going to actually see this kidin another day or so, and that's
that's what happened.
I ended up seeing the kid kidum one day, getting my kid and

(01:08:39):
saw the kid there and anotherlittle kid and I said, okay, I'm
just gonna make this athree-way talk.
And I just said, hey, checkthis out.
I said, little lady come.
And she came and then my kidswere sent.
My kid was there and anotherkid, so it was good, so they all
could hear it.
I don't want to isolate toomuch.
Right, it wasn't appropriateeither.
I didn't think I didn't want,know, to make the kid feel

(01:09:00):
unbalanced, but she's verycomfortable with me, so she's
like, yeah, hey, she came over.
I said, okay, I know that somelanguage was used the other day
that is not appropriate forkitties and young girls.
We don't talk that way.
She went oh, oh, I didn't sayit.

(01:09:26):
So I also said she immediatelywent to blame another kid.
I said no, I, I know, I, I knowwhere it came from and I know
that that was something that youwere part of and I want to say
that I want you to promise meyou will not talk like that
anymore, because I have to talkto your mommy about that.
And she said oh, okay, no, Iwon't say it, okay.
And I said okay.
I said that's, you're a lovelygirl, you all are wonderful
little people and you have somany great things to do in life

(01:09:48):
and there's so many great wordsin the world.
That wasn't one of them, soyou're not going to use that, no
more.
Okay, you don't say, you don'tsay that one.
And um, and she's like okay,and that was the end, and that's
been over a year or so ago andthat was the end of that okay, I
haven't heard anymore.
Now some people say well, youknow, you should like don't

(01:10:09):
address the child, yeah yeah,don't address the child and all
that.
I thought about all of that.
I said, you know, but the childwas right there and I just hey,
you guys, I know some stuff wassaid and y'all understand that.
Okay, that's all I'm gonna say.

Speaker 1 (01:10:21):
I don't want to have to call back up, so I'm just
gonna say I don't want to hearabout that anymore, and I mean
you guys, it sounds like you allalready had a rapport in a
relationship, so in that case,if you're that that comfortable
with parent, you guys have arelationship.
I don't see an issue with thatbecause later.

Speaker 3 (01:10:40):
Later, me and the mom did talk alone, we're on our
own, and I just said hey, youknow, I had this little thing
and I just wanted to let youknow.
And I just told him no, youknow, you know maybe we might've
said some stuff that I didn'treally go over the word.
I just said just a bad word,just something.
Oh my God, what is it?
No, it was over a year ago.
I said no, I just said I toldall the kids they were all

(01:11:02):
together that we don't use thislanguage.
I did a little banner yeah.
General banner moment that wentacross, they all read the
screen together and said, okay,in, and so it was okay.
But, um, but, yeah, that'sthat's.
That was probably one of thetoughest mommy moments to date
okay, because it was just a rawboom.

(01:11:25):
It was so such a big word and abig expression and then threw me
in there.
I wasn't even at the scene.
Yeah you catch your strays.
Yeah, I'm getting you knowgetting a littlerapnel.
I wasn't even on the scene.
I was like why I got to be howdid this happen?

Speaker 1 (01:11:42):
Yeah Well, I mean, if it stopped, that's perfectly
fine.
But, guess what Kids today theyare exposed to too much.

Speaker 3 (01:11:50):
Oh my gosh, it doesn't stop yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:11:52):
So that's mild compared to what's to come.
Exactly yeah, and the morepeople they socialize with, the
more you just welcome thoseopportunities for something
unsavory For them to share, yeahabsolutely, and I mean.

(01:12:12):
That's life.
So it's better to practice now,while they're young, and it's
good that your daughter hadenough wherewithal to advocate
for herself yes and I don't knowthat could be a part of like
raising girls.
I feel like girls have a lotmore opportunities for those
interactions.
Sometimes we call it cattinessand things like that, but those

(01:12:36):
interactions happen a lot morewith girls and it becomes a back
and forth because they arelearning to advocate for
themselves.
So that's great that she'sdoing that at such a young age
because on the flip side, my sonwhen he has those encounters,
he has a tendency to shut downand he won't advocate for

(01:12:56):
himself and he is the type to belike.
Well, I don't want to lose afriend, so I'm not going to say
anything now that was they, thatthat does happen.

Speaker 3 (01:13:06):
I, having a girl and boy, I do see I see the boys
having a different kind ofconversation, normally not as
tough as the girls, but but mydaughter was in the beginning
she's.
She learned, I think, cause Iworked with her and say honey,
you are strong and you arewonderful, you're a great friend
, you're a loving person and youdeserve respectful friends that

(01:13:28):
love and treat you great also.
And when they don't treat you aswell as you treat them, then
you say goodbye, yeah,absolutely.
And when they're coming at you,well, then they kept saying
cause she went through that thefirst, you know?
So crazy first grade.

Speaker 1 (01:13:43):
Look, and I have a 12 year old going through it, yeah
, and you have a first gradergoing through it.

Speaker 3 (01:13:47):
Like you said, the girls, the girls, the girls
start early, but she had to betrained and talked to or coached
just like you're doing withyour son that, hey, you need to
take care of yourself.
Take care of yourself.
You'll get more of that becausepeople will think that's okay
to treat you that way, and it'snot okay.

Speaker 1 (01:14:08):
So that was the main thing is not trying to
necessarily build them forbattle, but it is kind of
teaching them to stand up forthemselves, correct, and do it
in a way that's gonna keep themsafe and I, I feel like with my
son and his age the boys middleschool like fighting is not
foreign to them at all so nowit's like okay you don't want to

(01:14:31):
push the envelope too far,because it can lead to a fight.
It can lead to something major.
We don't want to do that either.
So we're just trying to find away with him to strike the
balance, because then you don'twant to be seen as a pushover
either, like he's a boy.
So you don't want to be seen asa pushover you don't want to be

(01:14:52):
seen as a tattletale you don'twant to be seen as soft because
you're talking about yourfeelings.
So it's all these other things,all these other things, yeah
normally I want to tell him,like, advocate for yourself, but
then he's a boy, so that is notcool at their middle school age
?
to be saying, like you know, Idon't like how you said that and

(01:15:12):
you hurt my feelings like thatis not well, you just have to
teach him the and that probablywill be one of your other books.

Speaker 3 (01:15:22):
Is the code language or the, the cooler versions of
self-care and awareness?

Speaker 1 (01:15:28):
oh yeah, most definitely you can't say you
know?

Speaker 3 (01:15:30):
hey, you just hurt my feelings.
Say that you're gonna say youknow what?
That didn't feel good bro orthat's not cool.

Speaker 1 (01:15:37):
Yeah, I told him yeah , that wasn't cool.

Speaker 3 (01:15:39):
Yeah, you said to me I'm your, I'm your friend, yeah
so I'll say something that waskind of hurtful to your friend,
you know.
So, teaching them how tonavigate the language, but still
taking care of themselves, thatis such a great point because,
yeah, boys are not allowed oftento express themselves in the
same way that a young womancould, or young girl can right?

Speaker 1 (01:16:01):
yeah, it's definitely tough and I'm the type of mom
like, even with all thesebehavioral hats that I wear,
like yeah, that's my baby.
So I'm the mom who will jump onthe video game like.
Who said what I was like?
Oh my God, is that your?
Mom, yeah, I will jump in thechat real quick, like on

(01:16:23):
Fortnite and all Like.
Give me this remote, becausethe kids they game on Fortnite
and Fortnite is insane Like the.
Anyway, that's a whole nother.

Speaker 3 (01:16:37):
But sometimes they Mine is doing the other one,
they're doing that other one,the roblox and the yeah, that
one gets a little.

Speaker 1 (01:16:43):
But with roblox it's more of a digital chat where
they're typing to each other,but fortnight, when he's playing
, they can talk through thecontroller now.
So when they're in the game andwhen they open up the game,
they can play with anybody who'sonline.
So it's just people fromeverywhere, unless they like

(01:17:05):
close the server and have aprivate server and then it's a
group of them that they know.
But when they open the server,you know you hear all kinds of
stuff coming through thiscontroller.
And one day somebody saidsomething, just so out of the
way, I'm like give me thisremote wow what oh see, I am not

(01:17:28):
ready.
Yeah, and that's why he does nothave the console in his room.
We keep it in the living room,which it drives me nuts, but I
feel like I need to know what'sgoing on.
So he doesn't have like thegaming headset and that whole
setup.
He's in the living room.

(01:17:49):
We all can hear it.
So if we catch somethingespecially if it's kids that we
know I will hop on there therereal quick Like oh wait, let me
call your mama so she can hearit.
Hold on.
Say it again, I am that.
So all of his friends are likeooh.
Aj's mom, ooh.

Speaker 3 (01:18:10):
Oh, she adopted with all that science knowledge, but
that's mean.

Speaker 1 (01:18:14):
Like I cannot, because you know, and the kids
are so sweet when they're infront of you.
And then they are just recklessand our son will turn right
back around like can so-and-socome to my house?
Absolutely not.
No, the one who was on the gamewho said no, we like I'm still
mad about it.

(01:18:34):
My son has let it go.
He's let it go.
I'm still mad about it.

Speaker 3 (01:18:38):
That's let it go.
He's let it go.
I'm still mad about it.
That's the same.
This, this one, this kid.
I was like oh my gosh, and Irealized some kids just go at a
higher speed.
Yeah, you know, they might haveolder siblings or something, so
they're learning.
You know they're on the nextlevel of conversation, when they
really aren't.
They pass that six-year-old.
Yeah, oh yeah, they're talkingstuff, you know, and you're like

(01:19:01):
wait a minute, wait a minute.
So it's.
It's really difficult becauseyou are not there.
We can't be there every step.
You know we are working, we'redoing other things, they're in
school without us, they're atcamps, they're doing these
things.
So you really have to reallyteach them about advocacy and
taking care of themselves whenwe have them around us and then

(01:19:23):
just hope that they arefollowing that system.

Speaker 1 (01:19:26):
Yeah, keep talking to them and watching them I just
had a conversation with mysister a couple of days ago
where you know, we alwayscompare our upbringing to our
children and the sentimentacross the board and I know it's
generational the sentimentacross the board is like oh,
these kids are soft, right.
So I was telling my sister likeone thing that initially I used

(01:19:51):
to get upset, but now I'm, I'mlearning, I'm getting another
certification in what we calllike trauma informed yoga.
right, so we're taking, we'reteaching people how to cope with
different stressors and how tochange behaviors through, like
yoga, through a physical meansof physically modifying your

(01:20:13):
body and changing your breathingand using all of those
techniques to really help withmanaging self-regulation and
internal events is what we callit.
So I was telling my sisterbefore I took the class.
That was one thing that reallyused to irritate me and agitate
me with my son, because I'm likehe is just so naive, like he's

(01:20:36):
in this little bubble Most ofthe time, like things are like
sunshine and rainbows and I'mlike no like, and you cannot go
out into the world thinking likethe best of everyone.
I'm just so afraid that peopleare going to take advantage of
you.
Like you need to advocate foryourself, you need to know how

(01:20:59):
to spot bullshit from a mileaway like you need to, and he's
12, so he's kind of like let himhave, let him have, don't let
him have a little bit of thoserainbows?

Speaker 3 (01:21:10):
he's gonna have plenty of time to be right,
right and that's.
That's what I told her and lethim enjoy, and you can also
teach that, yes, you have to beaware of what's going on, but
let him keep some of thatinternal joy that he has,
because he's going to need that,and that's what I told her.

Speaker 1 (01:21:28):
I said when we were his age, we were definitely way
more independent, right so, butwe had a lot more responsibility
.
More independent, right so, butwe had a lot more
responsibility.
We didn't have like our bubble,that that bubble was burst a
long time ago for us.
Right so he's still in hisbubble and you know what I like
him being in his bubble.

(01:21:49):
Like he's still, he's having achildhood, and this is what
childhood looks like.

Speaker 3 (01:21:54):
So I'm like exactly having.
He's living his soft life right, right exactly let him live his
soft life.
There's enough of that hardnessand yeah and all those other
struggles to come and hopefullyI'm still very hopeful that
things will get better andbrighter in their days.
Later, when they're adults,they'll get past some of all

(01:22:14):
this craziness and crazydysfunction that we're dealing
with, but we have to let themlive some of that easy stuff.
He should not have to be builtup of all of this concrete and
tough exterior stuff.

Speaker 1 (01:22:32):
He's definitely living his soft life.

Speaker 3 (01:22:36):
I love that.
Let him live his soft life.
I love that let him live hissoft life let him do what he
wants to pick the flowers, theroses and play with the turtles
and cross the street with thelittle ducks.
Let him.

Speaker 1 (01:22:47):
I just observe and I'm like oh, that's what you
took from it.
And he's just like yeah youdidn't take a Calgon bath even
one of his friends saidsomething crazy to him in the
classroom in front of everyone.
Like it was around like hisbirthday and basically my son

(01:23:10):
was giving out his invitations.
The teacher said he could passout the invitations and I
already knew like the wholeeverybody needs to get an
invitation, that kind of thingLike don't pass out invitations
and not give it to somebody, sothere were a couple of kids in
the class where I knew theirmoms personally.

(01:23:30):
I had spoken to the mom, I evenspoke to the child, like the
kids the day before, like you,guys are getting a digital
invitation because the kids thatI don't really know.
Guys are getting a digitalinvitation because the kids that
I don't really know and I don'treally know their parents I'm
sure their parents wantsomething physical before they
come to, like a birthday party.
So if you were like reallyclose friends and I was cool

(01:23:51):
with your parents, you got thedigital invite.
And the kids, they all saw thedigital invite in the phone.
And then the kids where, if Ididn't have their parents'
contact information or if Ididn't know the parents, but I
knew the kids because sometimesI volunteer at the school then
those are the kids that got thephysical.
Lo and behold, one of the kidswho got a digital and I still

(01:24:16):
don't get it to this day.
He received the digital.
I spoke to him get it to thisday.
He received the digital.
I spoke to him.
I spoke to his mom.
He got the digital.

Speaker 3 (01:24:23):
You want to show somebody who had a hard copy.

Speaker 1 (01:24:25):
Yeah, and when he saw the hard copies going out, he
called my son the P word for notgiving him the physical.
Invitation Right, and he did itin front of everyone.
Invitation right, and he did itin front of everyone but my son
at the time.

Speaker 3 (01:24:43):
Mr sunshine and rainbows he doesn't even know
what that is.

Speaker 1 (01:24:45):
So now the other kids are like don't let him call you
that right it's like this isnothing he's like, right, yeah,
just an animal.
Yeah, it became like a wholething.
So now you have other kids whohave obviously been exposed to
more, like in their homes, andin their life and you know they

(01:25:06):
are just outraged, my son islike he's coming to my party
anyway.
I love it.
You know what?

Speaker 3 (01:25:15):
You know what AJ is going to change the world?
Because he's going to do bigthings for that right there.
Because if you have to see andtake everything to heart, do you
know how overwhelming andirritating that becomes so.
Basically, his soft light isintelligently coated with a hard

(01:25:39):
exterior.
Yeah, because he is able to notsit there and take in that
little stupidity.
Yeah, let it rewire him,because everybody in the class
is man.
You need to punch him right?
You didn't call your mom, hejust said you know, and he's
like that's okay.

Speaker 1 (01:25:55):
Yeah, and I asked him about it because I'm like oh my
goodness.
He said it in front ofeverybody.
He was like, yeah, and he gotin trouble and so-and-so was
really mad at him, and thenso-and-so started picking on him
and like it just became a wholething.

Speaker 3 (01:26:10):
So he's popular too.
Yeah, yeah, to have the otherkids advocating for him.
Yeah, he's a wonderful human,and it even though they all
can't understand or express whatthey're experiencing.
They're experiencing the magicof AJ yeah, absolutely so it's
really beauty, gonna make metear again.

(01:26:30):
That is so beautiful to hearbecause that speaks to who he is
.
Yeah, what you've been building, what you've been, you've been
nurturing with him, and then whohe is, his own, his own
coloring is coming through thatyeah, and he's standing, so he's
advocating for himself when hesaid he chose not to go down the

(01:26:52):
rabbit hole yeah, and I evenasked him.

Speaker 1 (01:26:54):
I'm like how did that make you feel?
And first he was like well,what even is it?
I was like another day, I gotto figure that out.

Speaker 3 (01:27:05):
I don't really know how to explain that one, I know
Okay, I can't help you there,but I love that.
And what he said no, mama.
Well, he was like well.

Speaker 1 (01:27:17):
I know his favorite rapper is so and so, and
sometimes I think he just triesto be like him and I was like
okay, so he was like I don'tthink he meant.
I don't think he meant it, Ijust think he was just trying to
be a cool kid wow and I waslike so advanced okay can he not

(01:27:38):
?
Be a cool kid at your expense,like how do we Right, right?

Speaker 3 (01:27:42):
No, but it wasn't at AJ's expense, because AJ didn't
take that in.
Yeah, he didn't, so I thinkthat's how we look at things,
because that right there what hehas at 12, I'm going to go
ahead and share.
I am learning how importantthat is as a grown ass woman.
Okay, and not take everybody'sstuff, as I think it's my birth

(01:28:04):
sign too.
I mentioned the astrology alittle bit.
Okay.
Not that it's everything, but itis quite amazing because our
body is, you know, 75% water andwe could feel certain things
and move certain ways due to thedifferent tides and different
things going on around us.
I think there could be somerationale behind that, but
anyway, my thought is that Ialso know I'm an empath, so I

(01:28:27):
take in what's going on foreverybody.
I find myself, you know,working through, not being a
people pleaser that's the thingI work on is doing what I need
to do, doing for others, becauseI want to do, and do what I
want to do, but not always needto be affected by someone else's
view, someone else sayingsomething that might not be

(01:28:49):
what's happening because, peoplehave their own crap.
Like you said, that little kid'strying to be cool.
He thinks that goofy rapperhe's seeing is going to make his
world easy where he can maybeget a girlfriend or a date at
prom one day.
Because he's going to try to bethis person.
Your son is able to see thatthat's probably not totally who
he is, but he's trying to besomething.

(01:29:10):
He's trying to get attention.
Yeah, and I'm confident withwho I am and what I'm doing.
I don't even know what that is,but I'm me, who I am and what
I'm doing.
I don't even know what that is,but I'm me.
So I already know I'm me.
So I don't need to run aroundthe class and jump up and down
or get excited and there arepeople that are going to do that
to him.
So I don't need to do it.
I got my people.
So I'm just going to be myself,and those who love me and know

(01:29:30):
me know I'm myself.
That is huge.
That's a trait that, as a-up,that I am still experiencing and
realizing, the more you can letgo of what other people think
and say, we are not responsible.
Age is not responsible for whatother people they think or say
about him that's not hisresponsibility right, it's huge,

(01:29:51):
and if he's doing that alreadyhats off yeah, and he even let
the kid I'm like probation,because he, that's huge.
What he just said.
Yeah, I was like you're gonnalet this kid come to your party.
Still, he was like yeah, he cancome like okay, so mama, you
step back, you let him have theforensic.
Yeah, you can be watching, youcan have the cameras on, you can

(01:30:16):
be watching what's going on,but let him experience, and
that's this is something I'mlearning too.
We have to let them have theirexperiences, and kids are just
kids.
Still, too, they are beingshaped by what goes on around
them.
Yeah absolutely See some valuein this kid still and their
friends, then you have to letthem and he does it with

(01:30:36):
everyone.

Speaker 1 (01:30:37):
So that's why I'm like, oh, no, no that's that's
him, that's that's they are mean, so it can be like the meanest
kid and then the next thing youknow that same mean kid is like
AJ, can I come to your house?
So now I'm trying to teach himto value himself a little bit

(01:30:59):
more.
So if you value yourself alittle bit more, then you need
to teach people how to how totreat you.
So if they are treating youlike they don't value you at
that moment, then no, you can'tcome to my house, because you
said this, you did this to me,it wasn't cool.

(01:31:20):
So why are you treating me thisway?
But you still want to come overto my house.
That's not okay.
So if you want to if you want tocome to my house and hang out
and play games, and then youneed to treat me this way.
So I'm trying to appreciate aj.
I think that's in him yeah I'mtrying to pull it out because he

(01:31:41):
is mr like for the most part.
He is nonchalant, cool as acucumber all the time, so I just
find myself like I don't wantto poison the well, like you
know, to make him I don't knowjust agitated all the time and
expecting the worst of people.

(01:32:01):
Yeah, more defensive and alwaysready to think someone's coming
for you, right, but at the sametime, I'm like no, you need to
value yourself and know that youare a cool kid.
So people need to be cool withyou consistently in order to
gain access to you consistently,in order to gain access to you
don't just give people access toyou all the time just because

(01:32:22):
just because they know you'regoing to be cool, they can treat
you any kind of way if they'rein front of like another group
of friends that they want toimpress, and then when they're
with you, one-on-one, they canbe themselves and and be cool
with you.
No, you need to be cool with meall the time He'll get there.

Speaker 3 (01:32:39):
He's just 12, and boys he's 12.
Boys mature a lot slower thangirls, so 12 is probably like
still nine for a girl.

Speaker 1 (01:32:47):
Yeah, compared to the girls absolutely.

Speaker 3 (01:32:50):
It'll come, because I don't know.
I know AJ's parents very well,family-wise AJ's parents very
well, family wise.
We're not going to let himfalter at all, he's not going to
do that either.
I have a feeling that because Ihave a trait like that, I'd say
probably easygoing, oh, she'seasygoing, but if it's not right

(01:33:15):
and if I have to get up, that'sthe thing.
The easygoing ones can be thecraziest.

Speaker 1 (01:33:20):
That too.

Speaker 3 (01:33:21):
Yeah, you're right about that.
If stuff is not where it'ssupposed to be and they come
wrong, the person come wrong andit's coming correctly and it's
not right.
It's like wait, hold on, herethere's a problem.
Otherwise, we allow people tobe themselves, you allow people
to be a part of your world untilthere's something that gets
them put out of the kingdom.
Absolutely so don't get put outof the kingdom, because then

(01:33:43):
that's a whole other thing right.

Speaker 1 (01:33:46):
So what's the best um advice that you've received
about motherhood?
Because we're talking about allthese philosophies and what
we're pouring into our kids.
What's some of the best advicethat you've received?

Speaker 3 (01:34:01):
To listen.
Okay To stop and listen to thekid.
Let the kid, let the child havesome say about what happens
with or on something, instead ofus always being ready to.
No, you're going to do this,this and that this is what you
do to stop.
And actually, now you can.
Now you can organize thequestion, you can plan it so

(01:34:24):
that the the choices are thechoices that you need them to be
in line right while they'relearning.
But learning to self-teach or toto allow them to uh, is it
self-soothe?
I think there's something thatthey used to say to us when we
had babies.
Yeah, self-soothing absolutely.
Self-soothing like teaching ababy that, because if you run in

(01:34:47):
the room every time the kidcries, every time you know
they're ah, you're teaching thatbehavior.
Now, that's the behavior.

Speaker 4 (01:34:55):
The kid might start screaming or crying or whatever
waiting for you to come in there.

Speaker 3 (01:34:59):
Now that's the behavior the kid might start
screaming or crying or whatever,waiting for you to come in
there.
And so now the baby's damn nearthree years old and you still
running in there every timebecause you do not know how to
self-soothe, which starts fromwithin.
Yeah absolutely so this allwinds up back to the parent.
You need to work on whatever itis for yourself, for ourselves,
to be comfortable in ourselves,to trust that we have been

(01:35:22):
doing the work with our child,and now it's time to allow the
child to use their brain and saythis, like you could say, okay,
we haven't had dinner yet, sono, I don't want to have the
dessert right now because wehaven't eaten.
What do you think?
Do you think it's a good timeto have dessert right now?
We have dinner and then leave,you know, or just giving them a

(01:35:43):
chance.

Speaker 1 (01:35:44):
Yeah, give them choices that might have been a
goofy.

Speaker 3 (01:35:47):
You know choice.
I'm trying to think ofsomething non-food related, but
you know.

Speaker 1 (01:35:51):
I love food.
Yeah, just giving them choices,giving them a chance to give
that input, absolutely yeah,that helps with that intrinsic
motivation and it teaches themthat they can make decisions.

Speaker 3 (01:36:04):
And we want them to make decisions.
I love that Exactly.
It's letting your kids makesome decisions and not saying
I'm not perfect at it.
I'm also working on it, becauseus type A moms which I know you
are also, you know this already.
I'm working on it Type Amothers, moms, which I know you
are also type a mothers, andwe're type AA, we're actually
type AA mothers.

(01:36:24):
So type AA mothers will have atendency to already have the
questions, already have theanswers, already have the
organization of when eachquestion needs to be and da, da,
da, da, da, da, da, and it canbe stifling, or it can be an
overload to the child who needsto be.
And da, da, da, da, da, da, da,and it can be stifling, or it
can be an overload correct to achild who needs to, who needs to
incorporate their own ideas andthoughts into their day-to-day

(01:36:47):
yeah, and so we figure out a waystill keeping your kids safe.
You know you don't tell them.
Okay, now it's almost nineo'clock.
If you want to go out, you know, go out, or your friend you're
going to take an uber orsomething, it just be back that
free range parenting.
Yeah, I ain't talking aboutthat.
That's not my spiel, I'm nottalking about that.
That's not who I am and I'm notgoing to be ashamed, that's not

(01:37:07):
who I am.
Some parents will be the onesthat send their kids, you know,
back and forth at a young age,going I'm like, so that's okay,
there are other ways that I cangive my kid autonomy.
So that's it, your kid figuringout the space and figuring out
the proper aging for thesethings?
Yeah, absolutely Four years oldthat's not necessarily the time

(01:37:29):
to give the same type of openparameter of ideals and
opportunity as you would to a 13year old, Correct?
You don't do that to a fouryear old, Correct?
So being smart, and if youdon't know any better then you
better go a 13 year old youdon't do that to a four year old
.
So, being smart, and if youdon't know any better then you
better go get somebody who doesand get help.
That's again.
That's.
The other thing is get help.
If you're stuck, you'resuffering and you're having a

(01:37:50):
hard time doing this mommy thing, it's okay because there's no
manual for it, but get help.
There's too many opportunitiesto have someone to help you do
this and make sure you do theresearch on who you're getting
to help you.

Speaker 1 (01:38:02):
Yeah, absolutely.
You have to be careful yourhomework is getting someone good
.

Speaker 3 (01:38:06):
Yeah, you have to be careful.
Yes, you know, get a referralor go somewhere to someone or
someone that you think is agreat parent.
You're watching their kid.
You see their kid being happywhen they're not around, or you
see that.
You know you can tell inchildren because they don't
really have filters to coverthat.
So you know if they're goingthrough something that's good or
bad so if you see it.
You think is oh, and the kid isexcelling, the kid's having fun

(01:38:27):
and the kid is expressing that,then you think maybe their
parent is a part of that.
Then maybe meet that parent.
Yeah, absolutely I love that andthat because it takes.
That's when your village thingit does take a village.
It might be a village, youdon't know very well, correct,
but you're watching theinteraction or you're watching
the, the motivation and themovement of this kid who looks

(01:38:48):
like they're motivated aboutbeing in life.
Yeah, so someone is helpingthem feel good about that.

Speaker 1 (01:38:54):
Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 3 (01:38:55):
That person can help talk to you about what you're
going through.

Speaker 1 (01:38:58):
Yeah, I love that.
Okay, so, as we come to a closewith our interview, I just want
the listeners to know how canthey contact you if they want to
look into some of your productsor if they want to follow you
on social media.
Can you tell us like a coupleof websites or social media

(01:39:20):
handles?
What do you have if people wantto contact you?

Speaker 3 (01:39:22):
yes, yes, so I do have.
There's a couple ways.
I'm trying to see if I have my.
I know that in August,mid-august, I'm going to go.
I guess I don't know if youcall it a soft launch, because
it will be the website, which isbelleleasbeautycom, wwwb.
As in boy, e-l-l-e, l, as inLarry, i-s-s-e beauty.

(01:39:46):
So belleleasbeautycom will golive in mid-August, so coming
soon.
Right now I havebelleleasbeauty, which is Belle,
underscore, lease, underscoreBeauty on IG that is open now
and I have not put everything onthe page yet.

(01:40:07):
And for the first once, I geteverything out on the page of
the products that you canpurchase the first, I think
we're doing the first 30 people,the first 30 people that come
on there will get an extra, youknow, 15% off of their first
order.
Oh, nice and we're doing thatjust to entice people to come
there, but right now I'm so busymaking customized products for

(01:40:31):
people I know in the schoolsystem like some of the moms and
some of the parents who've hadissues and I'm actually making
things.
So I had.
So I'm getting ready to getback to putting this stuff
online that I've got reviews ofthe products and once this stuff
is out, you'll be able to gothere.
So on IG, you can DM me fromthat page, from that Belle Lease
Beauty, you also can on thewebsite.

(01:40:55):
When that's up, you'll be ableto communicate with me from
there as well, okay, and thenthere'll be a belly.
There'll be info atbellysbeautycom too, so all
these things will be live.
In the meantime, just dm me,just just go to the bellysbeauty
um.
One other thing I'll say I'vebeen doing and that I enjoy is
you mentioned yoga, and that'ssomething very important.

(01:41:17):
Anything that you can do tohelp your your core.
As a singer and vocalist, youknow, working with music for
many years, yoga was somethingthat we did to get people to be
comfortable and open, that is.
I'm so happy that you're doingthat with the children too,
that's huge, it's a calming,calming thing.
So I just thought about that,for whatever reason, because I'm

(01:41:38):
Okay, no problem.
The namaste came to my mind,but yeah, so so get to me
through those pages.
That's the best way.
Ig is the best way right now.
Just DM me, be one of the first.
You know 50 people on there tosay hello and and we'll go from
there.

Speaker 1 (01:41:57):
Okay, and there to say hello and and we'll go from
there, okay, and then I'll makesure when the episode comes out,
we'll be sure to tag thosepages.
So when your mom card comes out,we'll tag those pages and
everyone will be able to see toget the link and and gravitate
towards that page and and checkit out, because you are doing
some amazing things, you arejuggling a million things and

(01:42:20):
I'm just so thankful that youwere able to carve out some time
to come on the show and shareyour experience with us and our
listeners, because hopefullyyou've inspired another mom
who's like sitting on an ideaand hasn't really made any moves
yet, like it's possible.
They can see that it's possibleand hopefully they're inspired

(01:42:43):
to pursue their own goals thatthey have, just how you've done.
So thank you so much for sharingyour time and coming on the
show and sharing your experiencewith us.

Speaker 3 (01:42:53):
Thank you so much, dr Lori, for having me.
I'm excited and I do want tokeep up to when the show is
going to air because I'll makesure that I you know it
coincides with the date the sitegoes live, so that when they go
there I'll have everythingthere.
And yes, and you can doanything you can do, but you
just can't do everything at once.
Yeah.

(01:43:13):
So you're taking up your firstpriority you got newborns this
ain't for you.
So if you're taking up yourfirst priority you got newborns
this ain't for you.
Take care of the babies.
You can't be making productswith no new baby laying up there
trying to be fed.
That is not what I'm saying.
Disclaimer disclaimerdisclaimer.
You don't start these thingsuntil the kid is a little bit
more of age, or if you havehealth, or if you don't sleep

(01:43:36):
like me.
But you can still function.
You know that's important.
You need your sleep, you needyour rest.
So I'm going back to sevenhours a night.
I usually sleep five hours, butI'm going back to seven.
Eight, eight is a bit much forme.
It makes me a little bit, youknow, crazy.
So seven is my sweet spot.
So get your rest and do thislater.

Speaker 1 (01:43:55):
And it's good that you point that out, because a
lot of times when you hear aboutdifferent resources for moms,
sometimes they're not realistic,right.
So, anytime I have a mom on theshow and they're doing some
amazing things.
I really want to know theinside out like be for real,

(01:44:16):
because everyone's situation isnot the same.
So don't give us this falsesense of hope that we can do all
these things and certain thingsare not in place.
So you know it's great that youpoint that out, that you know
if you have little ones.
You have newborns.
You're probably up up every two, three hours trying to

(01:44:38):
breastfeed or bottle feed orwhatever this.
This ain't for you.

Speaker 3 (01:44:41):
So it's great and I tried it and I'm telling you it
ain't for you, because I triedit right like two, if my one, my
daughter was like two and myson was like one and a half, you
know not one, he was about one,I guess and I was like wow, I
could start doing and I was halfasleep when I said that maybe,
maybe I should start trying to.
And one of my girlfriends.
She said, honey, you're notdoing anything for those kids

(01:45:04):
until they at least get to fiveRight or so five or seven, you
know.
She said, give yourself thetime.

Speaker 1 (01:45:11):
Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 3 (01:45:12):
Don't try to do, and I was like, oh my God, but I got
there's so much still I got todo, so I am getting here finally
but I had to sit down.
I had to be real and focus onjust getting enough sleep.
Getting enough sleep just formy body, Just, you have to
recover.

Speaker 1 (01:45:28):
You need that every day, so rest, that's first.

Speaker 3 (01:45:33):
If you're not sleeping, get help with that,
because that can mess up yourbrain, that shortens your brain
span.
They say it can shorten yourlife, not even your muscles.

Speaker 1 (01:45:42):
Oh, yeah, it definitely.

Speaker 3 (01:45:44):
I was just telling my son about that.

Speaker 1 (01:45:46):
This summertime schedule is kind of crazy right
now and I'm like, yep, andyou're killing brain cells,
right, right, and I know.

Speaker 3 (01:45:54):
See, that's what I'm saying.
Don't jump into this ship.
I'm in right now because I'mstill working on saving some of
those cells.
I know that I'm up too much.
I have a friend.
She's like did you go to bed?
I'm like no, I'm sleeping, I'msleeping.
So I'm just working on that.
And then at a certain time, aswe grow up, the body changes.
You'll find that your body willstart saying okay, we need to
lay down.

(01:46:14):
Your body will start telling yougo lay down now or you're going
to fall down.
You're like oh my God, I'm sotired, so I'm learning to listen
to my body signals.
Yeah, absolutely, and some daysI just sleep longer, and some
days I'm just great.
I'm right at my six, seven hourthing, but when I need a nine
hour, it's not often, but I takeit Okay.
So listen to your body anddon't do it too soon.

(01:46:34):
This is not for newbies.

Speaker 1 (01:46:37):
Okay, well, thank you again for everything.
I appreciate it and I'm lookingforward to the launch of this
episode and the launch of yourline.
I'm really excited for you.

Speaker 3 (01:46:50):
Congratulations.
Thank you so much and I'll seeyou soon and hopefully I'll come
back.

Speaker 1 (01:46:55):
Right, absolutely.
Hey everyone, it's yourfavorite BCBAD here, dr DeLoren,
and I'm here to ask you to helpus continue making great
content for listeners everywhereby visiting wwwforshittymomscom
, where you can make a monthlycontribution.
Make a monthly contributionalso.
Visit us on instagram, youtube,facebook and tiktok at for

(01:47:27):
shitty moms and that's shitty.
With an x, not an eye.

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