EP 2: Pursuing Business Goals and Motherhood Side-by-Side with Latoya Horton

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
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(00:20):
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(00:43):
It's time to put the kids tobed, so y'all get ready for
another episode of For ShittyMoms.
Alright, so hello everyone, andthank you for tuning in to
another episode of For ShittyMoms.
I'm your host, delorean, andtoday we have a special, special

(01:07):
guest joining us, all the wayfrom Nevada.
So, without further ado, I'mgoing to let her introduce
herself and we'll get thingsstarted.

Speaker 2 (01:19):
Hi, my name is Latoya Horton.
I am a BCBA and business ownerhere in Las Vegas and I am happy
to be here.

Speaker 1 (01:28):
Thank you so much for joining us.
So typically, when we getstarted with these things, I
really like the listeners tolearn who our guests are, what
they're doing.
Our guests are all moms, but weknow that being a mom
encompasses so many other thingsthan just motherhood and

(01:50):
parenting.
So, like you said, you are abusiness owner.
I just want to get a littlebackground information about
your family size, your currentoccupation.
How does that all work?

(02:12):
What do you juggle and how doyou pull it all together?

Speaker 2 (02:17):
Okay, I think, like most moms, what don't I juggle?
Tell me one thing I don'tjuggle.
So my family currently is madeof myself, my twin daughters who
live at home with me, and thenmy son, who is off to college.
So I became a BCBA back in 2017.

(02:44):
Prior to that, I was a behaviorconsultant, so I was doing the
same thing, just with adifferent title.
I started my business in 2019when I returned to Las Vegas.
I always kind of had that goalin mind to go off and to learn
what I could, and then to bringthose skills home to Las Vegas.

(03:06):
Well, that was really difficultbecause I'm a single mom.
So at the time, I was separatedfrom my ex-husband, and so I
actually had to get my masters,or finish my masters.
I should say, finish my masters, go through the certification

(03:27):
process of becoming a boardcertified behavior analyst,
raise my children, do all ofthose things that got me to this
point as a single mom, and soit was definitely, I would say,
a struggle, but definitely notone.
That is something that we, asmoms, can't overcome, so it made

(03:53):
it more difficult, but greateris the result when you overcome
that struggle.

Speaker 1 (04:01):
Okay, and for the listeners who don't know a BCBA,
can you give us an idea Likewhat is that?
I know, I know what it is, buthow do you explain it to others?

Speaker 2 (04:14):
So I've worked with kids with developmental
disabilities for I mean since Iwas a teenager, honestly.
But a board certified behavioranalyst is one who is certified
to coach and provide instructionto others so that they can help
those children, especiallythose children on the spectrum,

(04:35):
become independent and to buildtheir skills.
And so my specialty is languagebuilding language we hear.
If you've ever, you know,watched anything about kids with
disabilities and you've heardthe term nonverbal.
My specialty is getting thosechildren who cannot speak to
talk.

Speaker 1 (04:56):
Okay, yeah.
So it's pretty challenging initself.
And then you add motherhood ontop of that, and you are a mom
of three, so that's like whoa.
I've always hear like anythingafter two.
Everybody just stops countingafter two.

Speaker 2 (05:16):
I know I got a two for one special.

Speaker 1 (05:21):
That's one way to look at it.
So tell us, how did yourparenting style change after
marriage?

Speaker 2 (05:32):
Okay, that's a good question.
I would say I became morestructured, okay, but
historically my family hasalways called me kind of like
the hippie of the family.
I love to travel.
I'm down for, you know, tryinganything once.

(05:52):
But once I had children, Ibecame very like, focused, more
focused on, you know, building afoundation for them.
So I would say my parentingstyle changed from just, you
know, being a, you know, veryfree spirited person to a more

(06:16):
structured, you know person withgoals and all those types of
things you know, I think, iswhat most, most people do when
you have kids.
Right, you start to settle downa little bit.
You know that you've lived your, your wild years, or whatever
they're behind you, and now it'stime to focus on, you know,
raising this little person thatyou have.

Speaker 1 (06:37):
Okay, so you don't ever feel like, oh, I just need
to get away.
I talked to a lot of differentmoms and I hear that a lot like
I just need a break.
I just need a break.

Speaker 2 (06:48):
I have thought about purchasing a condo.
Okay, what are you talkingabout?
Of course I mean.
I think that's natural.
It's overwhelming, especiallywhen you're trying to accomplish
things.
So being a mom a hands down,being a parent period it is the
hardest job on the planet.
If you do it single handedly,there should be accolades with

(07:13):
every step that you take.
You know what I mean.
But it doesn't mean that youknow it's not rewarding and
fulfilling.
It just means like we all needa break sometimes.
But, yeah, there are times thatI am like I am done what I do.
When I get to those, to thosemoments when I just need a break
.
I'm a traveler, so I will take aweekend trip pretty much

(07:37):
anywhere.
And the great thing about whereI am here in Las Vegas, nevada
I was born and raised here, so Ihave a huge support system.
There's never a time that Ican't call, you know, one of my
sisters or my mom or my dad andsay, hey, you know you want to
spend some quality time with thetwins this weekend and so I'm

(08:00):
lucky to have that.
There's so many you knowfamilies out there that don't
have that kind of support system, so my hats off to them Right,
because I get away.

Speaker 1 (08:10):
That's awesome that you you have that, because I
feel like that's reallyimportant.
That's one of the reoccurringthemes that we have.
You know, do you have a supportsystem?
What does it look like?
A lot of people struggle withfinding people who are who they
deem trustworthy enough to watchover their kids and look over

(08:33):
them, and you know that'sawesome that you do have a
support system to help you getthose breaks.

Speaker 2 (08:42):
Why do you say that?
Because I'm the youngest of,like my mom's original six
children she adopted, but all ofmy siblings they had my
grandmother coming up and sothey never had to get childcare,
you know, never had to pay fora daycare center, and so by the

(09:02):
time that I had children I waslike, oh my God, my grandma's
not here.
So it's been different, becausethe people in my family that I
rely on the most they still have, you know, very robust lives,
right, you know, some weekendsthey're like girl, I'm going out
.
What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 (09:23):
Okay, trying to get away?

Speaker 2 (09:24):
No, I am away.

Speaker 1 (09:26):
But I would think you know, like you said you, you
became more structured, so I'msure that helps to alleviate
some of those stressors.
Of course well, can you tell usabout that?
Like, how do you manage andjuggle and structure different
things?
I can imagine three kids arethey.

(09:47):
Are they in extracurricularactivities?
Do they?
Do you just make everybody hey,you guys have to do this,
especially the twins.
Do they do the same things?
Do they have their owninterests?
How do you manage that?

Speaker 2 (10:01):
Yeah, so it's different now that they're older
, so my twins are now 13.

Speaker 1 (10:05):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (10:07):
And my son is 19.
And so when they were younger,I had to be very strategic, like
you mentioned earlier, it'sit's hard to know, like when you
can trust people.
So carpooling no, I was thecarpool.
Okay, it was like you know, Iwill drive your friends, but
you're not giving their car.
I don't know why I put thatextra on my back Right.

(10:27):
When they were younger it wasmore difficult because I was so
you know, maybe overly soprotective.
I would structure things sothat they each had a season.
So one of the things that I did.
You know they had to have anextracurricular activity is.
You know that's how I wasbrought up.

(10:48):
You have to stay busy, you knowyou have to be in things that
are productive.

Speaker 1 (10:53):
Right.

Speaker 2 (10:55):
So my son, he chose football.
So after his football seasonwas over, then one of my girls
she had, she was in cheer.
After cheer was over.
My other daughter, she was ingymnastics, and so I would pick
things and rotate so that theyeach had a season, you know,
where I was devoted to them andtheir sport or their activity,

(11:17):
and I didn't have to be like, oh, I got to be in two places at
once.
You know, no, this is yourseason, this is your thing, and
thanks God it worked out so thatthey pick things, that you know
they weren't in the same season, kind of thing.

Speaker 1 (11:31):
Right.

Speaker 2 (11:34):
For our like individual time.
One of the things that I didwith my son, because having
twins, especially twin girls,and a family, it can be
overwhelming for like thesibling Right, they're like all
cute and their babies and mypoor little son was just like,
oh, what about me?

Speaker 1 (11:52):
They're born over here, yeah.

Speaker 2 (11:54):
So I started doing one on ones with them.

Speaker 1 (11:57):
Okay, very.

Speaker 2 (11:59):
Started with my son and we would have like mommy son
dates and he could pick.
We would go wherever like herein Las Vegas and as you know, I
know a lot of people don't wantto believe this there's a lot of
stuff to do for kids, so hewould pick.
We were at the Excalibur on theweekend.
We were doing movie nights.
The boy likes to get massages.

Speaker 1 (12:20):
Okay, nice.

Speaker 2 (12:24):
Nice, okay.
And then, once the girls gotolder, I realized more and more
that it was important for me todeal with them also because
they're twins.

Speaker 1 (12:33):
Okay, right.

Speaker 2 (12:38):
They don't really look that separate time, you
know, and so I would do one onones with them as well.
So that's kind of how Istructured, like them having
extracurricular activities andthen us still having that that
time to bond with one another.
Now that they're older it's sodifferent.
My son is off to college.
I still try to do one on oneswith the girls every once in a
while, but it's not like we didit once a month, every single

(12:59):
month.
So it's not, as you know, it'snot as consistent as it used to
be, but our time ends up being.
There's a lot of one on onetime anyway, because they have
their own separate friends.
So one is off with her friends,one is off with her friends and
we naturally get that one on onetime.

(13:20):
Okay, you know they're older,so that's pretty cool, and
they're teens, so they don'twant a whole lot of one on one
time with me.

Speaker 1 (13:28):
Right.
They're exploring life.
But I've always heard, like youknow, they kind of venture off,
explore the world and then,especially with girls, I've
heard they they will come back.
So you know, they kind of grow,they explore, and then mom

(13:49):
becomes the best friend later on.
And let's hold, let's pray, solet's keep our fingers crossed.
But I like that.
I've that's my first timereally hearing that giving them
different seasons and that kindof builds in that, that intimate
time with just mom and me.

(14:10):
I love that.
I haven't heard that before.
So how would you say yourexperience with work, like to be
able to do all of these things?
I know you have the supportsystem, but when it comes to
work, does that mean you're inlike a what I would call a mom

(14:31):
friendly industry or a momfriendly environment, or do you
find yourself sometimes facingthe challenge, challenge where
you have to pick and choose?

Speaker 2 (14:42):
That's such a good question Because, even though I
feel like this is a mom friendlyenvironment, there are still
times that I have to pick andchoose right.
I think that's less.
That's just life.

Speaker 1 (14:55):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (14:58):
And when my son was a single right, when, you know,
before he became a trio, I was ateacher and so I taught
children on the spectrum at thattime.
I was an autism teacher herefor about nine years.
That was great, because therewere times I could bring him to

(15:20):
school with me and he was like amodel in the classroom because
I taught in what's called a selfcontained program and that's
where my students I was like I'mnot going to be able to do out
much around the campus.
We had pretty much all of oursubjects in this one classroom,
okay, and so I would.
You know, I was really closewith most of my supervisors and

(15:40):
so if there was a day that heneeded to miss school or he
needed to miss school, they werefine with it.
So that was really helpful.

Speaker 1 (15:48):
That's nice.

Speaker 2 (15:49):
With the twins it's been a little bit different.
So I was in Phoenix for acouple of years and I was the
director of a school forchildren on the spectrum there.
A directorship is a reallytough position when you have
little ones because it requiresso many hours of your day.

Speaker 1 (16:10):
Right, right.

Speaker 2 (16:14):
But thankfully I had.
I had a super boss and she wasa mom herself.
She started school specificallybecause her child was on the
spectrum.
So she was all about a whateveryou got to do so that you know
you can be here and still bethere for your kids.
So I would bring my kids towork.

(16:34):
They went to school down thestreet from the school that I
worked at.
I would bring them into workright after.
She was fine with them, theycould be in the gym, all of
these things and I feel like itwas almost like this was like a
God platform for me.
It was like thanks God, becauseI don't know how else I would

(16:55):
have been able to do all thethings that I've done.
I've literally just been placedon this path that has been so
open to my children and I thinkI didn't have the support system
that I had here.
So had I not had thatparticular job with that
particular boss, there's no wayI would have been able to have

(17:15):
my children present.
So I've always been in a childfriendly or a child friendly
environment.
But the times that aredifficult is when you're in a
position where you're asupervisor.
As you know, being a supervisor.
There's sometimes just thingsthat you cannot get away from.
You have to be there Sometimesyour job depends on it.

Speaker 1 (17:33):
And.

Speaker 2 (17:33):
I've had to pick and choose.
You know, like do I go to thisreally important thing?
I had to juggle today just tobe here with you.
I had to push it back becausemy daughter got this opportunity
at the last second and she'slike, oh, but mom, I really have
.
You know, her world's gonna becrushed, right, I don't show up.
And so I've had to say, okay,you know what, let's weigh this

(17:55):
out, what's the most importantthing in this moment?
And if I don't think like that,you know I would crumble.
And if we crumble as moms, thenwho's left to pick up the
pieces?
I have to prioritize things,and sometimes it's my kids
things.
Most of the times it's my kidsthings.
Kids, kids stuff, trump'sparents stuff, right, you know.

(18:16):
But, thanks God, I've been inthis field where they've been
open to my kids and my kids haveactually been beneficial to
have around in a lot of cases,because a lot of my clients
needed typical models, you knowright.
So that's yeah, that's beenexcellent, I can't complain.

Speaker 1 (18:36):
So how have things now?
Are you a full time businessowner, do you pursue that and
that's your primary source ofincome, or are you still like
working in the industry as well?
What does that look like now?

Speaker 2 (18:51):
So I'm a full time business owner but I do contract
out and so that can definitelyadd to my plate, right.
But I do notice, just hererecently I notice when I pour
myself into my business and myhome, there's a much better work
life balance than when I try toContract out and do other

(19:17):
things.
Unfortunately, those thingsjust pile it on and sometimes my
plate can't handle it.
Okay, so I'm a hundred percentbusiness owner, um, but I, I
don't know, I like to make lifehard sometimes and do more than
I can do, right, yeah.

Speaker 1 (19:36):
I.
I think when I first gotstarted as a behavior analyst,
when I was studying for my examsand studying for boards, that's
one of the things that I put onthe wall.
Like that was my why I wantedmore flexibility.
And now that I'm in the field,I'm starting to pursue my own

(19:57):
business as well.
I'm like, wait a minute, Idon't have more flexibility now.
Like I'm seeing more deadlines,more demands, more things on my
plate that I have to do.
No one else can do them.
Because it's my business, is myname, these are my accounts.
Like I have to go to thesemeetings, I have to sit to the

(20:19):
table, I have to make thedecisions.
So now I find myself thinkinglike, wow, it might be easier to
just work for someone else.
Like I don't really.
Know I keep finding myselfquestioning like was this a good
idea?
I feel like I had more.
I had less Responsibility as anemployee.

(20:39):
Right, I just have to report tothat place.
I show up at this time, I leaveat that time, and and that's
those boundaries right.
And now I'm like, oh man, likeeveryone sleep, Let me crack
open this computer, let merespond to these emails, let me,
you know, try to look for thesecontracts and see what my

(20:59):
obligations are.
So I'm kind of in the beginningof that, but it's nice to see
someone else who's a littlefurther along in In the same
process, where you are able tojust make those decisions,
because initially that was mythought process and now that I'm

(21:20):
trying to get things off theground, I'm like what am I doing
?
Did I just make?

Speaker 2 (21:24):
life harder.

Speaker 1 (21:25):
Did.

Speaker 2 (21:26):
I mean where you are.
Trust me, I've gone that route.
I've gone back to working forsomeone full-time.
You know, I've like done thatthat tennis match of this way,
no, that way, no this way and IRealized that it was just me
running from Myself, you know.

(21:46):
I mean I was just running fromwhat I I knew was inevitable.
I meant to do what I'm doing,you know, but it was so much
pressure and sometimes we wantto Assure that pressure it's
like, oh, this is easier.
But I realized that I don't wantto help somebody else build
their dreams.
You know, I have dreams of myown and so, until I buckle down

(22:09):
and create a space so that I canpursue those streams, it was
never gonna happen.
And so in doing that, I've hadto, I've had to take dips,
finances, etc.
You know there's things thatyou have to give up, but I
wouldn't have it any other way,like I wouldn't want to get to
10 years from now and go gosh, Iwish I would have Stuff.

(22:30):
Okay, we were going somewhere.
So I can work for somebodyanytime.

Speaker 1 (22:36):
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 (22:37):
And if I do the next five years, ten years, say, yeah
, we just go and work, for I'lldo that, but not before, not
before I see this through.
Okay, you know, and that'shaving a business is like having
another set of twins.
I get it, it is not easy, butI'm.

(22:57):
I'm where I'm supposed to be atthis point, at this point.

Speaker 1 (23:01):
Okay, and how long have you?
I don't know if you said itearlier, but how long have you
had like your business and upand going?
How how long has it been?

Speaker 2 (23:13):
I've been in business since 2019.
I came back to Vegas in 2018.
Okay, and so during that timethat like 2018, 2019, 2020
that's when I was like where youare, okay.
I was like, oh, it's justeasier if I just work for
somebody else.
You know, there's so muchpaperwork involved and in my

(23:33):
line of business you have to geta credential with insurances
and all these things.
That's like red tape.
You know, I just want to hitthe ground running and you can't
do that, and so the firstcouple of years I spent teeter
tottering, but in those firstcouple of years I Didn't take
off the way that I'm taking offnow as a business owner, because

(23:55):
I wasn't really investing myfull energy in it.
Right, okay, because I havethis other, this other job, this
other responsibility and ohyeah, by the way, I'm a mom,
right, right.
So, yeah, it's just it.
I don't think it could haveworked that way, but I come from
a long line of entrepreneurswho were constantly at me, like

(24:18):
my dad constantly at me.
We're gonna work for yourselfkid, you know okay, okay, my
grandfather, my grandfatheractually gave me a hundred
dollars and told me to put thattoward my business.
Oh okay, that hundred dollarswas, you know right, go do
something with that, yeah.

(24:39):
Yeah, he gave me a hundreddollars.
I was like I'm gonna take that.
I appreciate that.

Speaker 1 (24:45):
So is that where the pressure is coming from that you
spoke of earlier, or is it moreso?
You put in certain expectationsand demands on yourself and
then adding pressure.

Speaker 2 (24:58):
I've had dreams of running my own business for
probably as long as I canremember.
Okay, and so Me going the routethat I've gone.
It's all been kind of just likedivinely laid out for me.
Sometimes I was moving in adirection that I didn't even

(25:18):
realize, was you know, for mybenefit, I thought that I was
stuck in this position whenreally that position taught me
so much To where I'm in thisposition now as the head of my
business, and I didn't evenrealize that I would need all
that I learned from that lastspace that I was in.

Speaker 1 (25:38):
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 (25:38):
I was just in that last place, hating it, feeling
like there's so much pressure onme, this isn't even my business
and we're, you know, right.
And now I'm like, oh, this ismy business, I've held, I've
handled that before, this iswhat we do, mm-hmm, you know,
that's nice.
So the pressure, I would say it, it comes from me and it comes
from I'm coming from, like aspiritual place, and so I don't

(25:59):
know about, like you or yourlisteners, but if you know your,
or if you know what you weremeant to do in this life and you
don't go after that, I can'ttell you the kind of feeling
that I have.
It's one of just like oh, itcan put you in a depressing,
depressing state.
You know, like, oh, I'm notdoing what I know I'm meant to

(26:22):
do, and so until I really, youknow, dig my heels in and put
some effort behind it, I'm noteven, I don't even feel like
myself, you know so.
I got to a point where I was, Ifelt depressed.
I felt like I was helpingsomebody else build their
company and I knew that's notwhat I was supposed to do.

Speaker 1 (26:41):
So yeah, you gotta do it yeah.

Speaker 2 (26:44):
Yeah, the pressure is on, but it's a good pressure,
you know.
Yeah good.

Speaker 1 (26:49):
I um, I used to tell myself like when, whenever I
know, okay, god told me to doXYZ, and God, I'm gonna try this
instead, like it never works.
Then it's like a year laterlike yeah, god told you not to

(27:12):
do that anyway, like that's whyI didn't work out Absolutely.
So that's good, I mean.
But I've never looked at itthat way, like I don't even want
to do this because that's notmy purpose.
So I guess that's where thatintrinsic motivation Kind of
comes from, to keep pushingyourself to do what you know you
were meant to do Absolutely.

(27:34):
So outside of, like work andparenting, do you have?
I know you say you like totravel, but are you able to even
have Hobbies?
I know I feel like hobbies isthat's like a luxury nowadays.
So do you have any?
I?

Speaker 2 (27:51):
know, okay, so recently it's funny you said
that too and about thatintrinsic motivation, because I
am currently on a six-weekcouples challenge for a fitness
it's called raw fitness here inLas Vegas.
Okay and I'm I mean, I'mmoderately fit, okay, and I

(28:14):
played sports.
I've kind of relied on musclememory, I guess.

Speaker 1 (28:18):
I don't know and.

Speaker 2 (28:21):
So my hobby right now is going to the gym four times
a week.

Speaker 1 (28:26):
Okay, nice One hour, okay.

Speaker 2 (28:29):
And when I tell you I want to give up, when they say
you know, do a large lap, thatintrinsic motivation comes in
right when I'm rounding the halfand I'm like, oh no, girl, do
it, you can finish this.
Like a little voice inside myhead goes you have better not
walk.
You better, run you better lookand then it goes from run to

(28:52):
job.
You better job so I can't havehobbies.
I would probably suggest toyour listeners Make the hobbies
a little more fun.

Speaker 1 (29:05):
Okay, now I don't know.

Speaker 2 (29:06):
Hopefully the endless will will be great.
Okay, thanks, given time, I'llthrow it all away, right?
You know, I have my pictures tolook back on a month ago, right
?

Speaker 1 (29:19):
and then you can start right back up and like
okay, if I did it once, I can doit again.

Speaker 2 (29:27):
Right, I just have an , a pair of jeans actually
wasn't able to wear for about Idon't know about the last year,
so I got in on today.

Speaker 1 (29:36):
Oh, that's motivating , absolutely, and you have to
have Something.
I think Recently I just pickedup yoga.
I'm like I want to trysomething different, I want to
try something New and I juststarted like, okay, I'm gonna go
to this yoga class, I'm gonnamake it.

(29:56):
I feel like for the past yearI've been looking at the gym
schedule like I know when theyoga class is happening.
Like, girl, you've been talkingabout this yoga thing for like
a year.
When are you actually gonna goyeah so I just started.
Yeah, I know, and I just startedand I just looking at the clock

(30:17):
on the wall like I'm not gonnamake it, I'm not gonna make it.
I'm not gonna make it.
You cannot walk out of thisclass in front of everybody like
no.

Speaker 2 (30:27):
I know right, you have to get that little voice
going in your head, that littlecoach, right?

Speaker 1 (30:34):
Right and every yeah, I mean I love it.
I I needed a way to kind ofcope With the stress of the day,
like every day there's anotherstressor, every day it's
something right and I don't wantto take that home, I don't want

(30:55):
to take it out on my family.
So that's what really.
That's what actually pushed meto say, okay, I'm gonna do this.
Like I've been talking about itFor over a year.
I've been looking at theclasses.
At one point they stopped theclasses to remodel the gym.
Like they remodel Right, right.

(31:17):
And I'm just one day I'm likeyou know what I have that all
access gym pass.
I don't even have to use thatgym, go to the other gym, go to
their yoga class, and like, justget that release.
And the first day I did it Iwas like, oh my gosh, I feel so
much better.
Like it made me want to goagain.

(31:38):
And then that next class.
I'm like why did it feel soeasy last time and now it's so
hard?
And then the third class.
I'm like how did I make itthrough the first class, you
know?

Speaker 2 (31:51):
And I'm like gosh, and people will look at me
because I do.
I, you know, in certain clothesI look fit, and so they put
these extra expectations on me.
That are just not realistic.
I'm like, listen, it's been aminute since I ran some track
playing any kind of basketball.

(32:12):
Don't let this body fool you.
I can't really make it up mystairs, okay, but it's good that
you, you have something.

Speaker 1 (32:20):
I think that outlet, having that outlet, is Extremely
important.
Just not even as a mom or aparent, but just as a person in
general.
I feel like I keep thinkingabout how much better I feel
Physically and mentally, howmuch better I feel.

(32:41):
So I'm almost kicking myselflike, yeah, you should have
started a year ago.
Like how much farther alongwould you have been.
But at least I was able to getstarted and actually stick to it
.
This time and now, when I comehome, I'm able to focus on my
son a little bit more.
I'm able, like I'm a littlemore patient In the evenings

(33:04):
because you know what I've done,what I had to do.
So I've noticed, even with himI'm not as quick to like yell or
fuss or, you know, disciplineor anything like.
That is just like, and I kindof catch myself like, oh, I'm
proud, like I didn't even getlike I don't like repeating

(33:25):
myself.
Right, like I don't likerepeating myself, but I repeated
myself and like didn't knockyour head off this time.

Speaker 2 (33:32):
Like Mom, this way don't you like right?

Speaker 1 (33:39):
exactly those ABA strategies start to kick in a
little faster where I'm likeokay, Let me work on.
Like his motivation.
So you know, let let meactually use the skill set that
I have in the household, becausenormally I'm so exhausted, I'm
so tired, like look.

Speaker 2 (34:00):
I don't have the patient, yeah.

Speaker 1 (34:02):
Yeah, like I don't have the patience, I don't, I
know, I know.

Speaker 2 (34:06):
But yeah, you just want to relax in your home.
You don't want to have to useyour therapist hat, right?

Speaker 1 (34:12):
Right.
So it's.
It's definitely good To havethat outlet and I know some of
the moms that I talked to.
Typically some of them, youknow.
Again, I feel like, withinflation and everything that
we're dealing with in life rightnow, even the things that we're
talking about, I consider thoseto be luxuries right now,

(34:33):
because I know a lot of moms whoCan't do that.
I know a lot of moms who arebecoming a lot more resourceful
because inflation times arebecoming Harder financially.
So I'm starting to see, like alot of moms like, oh, we just
link up and go walking together,like they are creating that

(34:57):
support system and they'refinding different ways to Take
their kids to the park.
And we're going to walk a lapwhile you guys play on the
playground, because most momsare going through similar things
right, and I definitely Aregoing through similar things.
Yeah, I feel like it's hittingthe moms a little harder Than it
would.

(35:17):
I'm starting to hear a lot ofjust that.
I guess the same juggle that wewould have if A kid is sick you
don't really want to call outfrom work.
But now add to that groceriesare Like five times higher than
what they were before, Gas isfive times higher than what it

(35:38):
was, so that that pto You'retrying to hold on to it a little
.
Uh a tighter than you would,because Now you have to make
some sacrifices and some choicesand typically, being a mom,
even when you're at work, it itdoesn't stop.
If the school calls you to pickup your kid, they expect you to

(35:59):
stop what you're doing.

Speaker 2 (36:01):
Right exactly.

Speaker 1 (36:02):
So that is a challenge I know for myself.
I don't get pto anymore, so IfI'm not on a clock, if I'm not
working, I'm not getting paid.
Um, and I know a lot of momsare facing that same Challenge.
I feel like it just hits alittle harder and it forces you
to do make choices, and harddecisions.

(36:24):
Um, how would you describeyourself as a mom, like in
general, overall, how would youdescribe yourself?

Speaker 2 (36:33):
I want to go back to something you said.
There were two things that yousaid that I thought were really
powerful.
It one was about when you go toyoga, how you feel.
Do you know what I mean?
Like how you feel aboutyourself?
I think that's really powerful,only because we forget this,
right.
But you have to take care ofyourself first.

(36:54):
Yeah, you really do, and I hearit, I see it everywhere, but we
forget because we're in thehustle and bustle of motherhood
and we forget to take care ofourselves.
But the second thing that yousaid was, once you do that, you
find yourself being a better mom.
More you know, more laid back,you know, less stress, not as

(37:18):
quick to discipline, you knowRight.
So I think that self-care,whatever it is that you know
people need to do, whether it'syoga, whether it's this crazy
fitness, whatever.

Speaker 1 (37:31):
I'm doing?

Speaker 2 (37:31):
I don't even know what it's called boot camp.
Whatever it is, we have to finda space to take care of
ourselves and to let off somesteam or whatever, because if we
don't, we will end up, you know, letting off that steam at home
and that's not good, like I'vehad blow-ups with my son,
especially when he was at thatstage where he thought he was

(37:54):
like a grown-up, uh-oh, okay, 16, 17.
And so, like to go back to yourquestion like, how am I as a
mom?
I think with each kid I'mdifferent, based on what they
need, and then where I am, youknow, right.
So, like today, for example,the last couple of days I've

(38:16):
been going, going, going.
This is kind of like you knowmy life, the story of my life,
always going, but these lastcouple of days in particular,
they've been more strenuousbecause we were like remodeling
our office space and so I'vebeen doing like a lot of heavy
lifting, right, and I didn'tskip my boot camp workout.

Speaker 1 (38:36):
Okay, so you've been doing two a day.

Speaker 2 (38:38):
Basically I am drained.
I'm sitting here talking to youand I swear these things above
right here.
They don't feel like shoulders.

Speaker 1 (38:47):
They feel like shoulders oh man.

Speaker 2 (38:49):
Okay.
So right now, if one of mytwins, you know, got an attitude
that the teenage they did thethe teenage thing, I might be
snippy too.
Right, Because I am.
I am at a point where I amphysically exhausted.
I need to go do some freakingself care.
I need to go and take a momentfor myself, go get a massage or

(39:13):
something, because then I'll beable to come back and receive
her with a little bit morecompassion and understanding.
You know what I mean, and so,as a behaviorist, I try to
remember those things.
As a mom, I try to rememberthose things.
But that's a luxury in life.
Sometimes you don't, you don'thave time to stop and to go and
take that breather that you need.

(39:34):
I got to go home, I got to getready for the week, I got to get
dinner made.
All of these things are stillhappening, Right.
It doesn't doesn't matter thatmy body is in the condition that
it's in right now.

Speaker 1 (39:45):
Right.
Or you have a million things onyour agenda that still need to
get done, and Absolutely,absolutely.

Speaker 2 (39:53):
And I always tell people, like, as far as like,
when you're deciding, hey, whattype of parent do I want to be,
what kind of parenting style doI want to have?
That is going to change.

Speaker 1 (40:05):
That is going to change.

Speaker 2 (40:07):
It's going to change depending on, like, what your
child is going through and whatthey need.
You know, I look back at videosof myself with the kids and I
was like, oh, I want to be thatparent.
Well, guess what?
My girls are different now.
They need different things.
Yeah, I just told one of mydaughters the other day.

(40:28):
I was like I want to be coolmom.
You guys are really preventingme from being cool mom with
these shenanigans.
Right, you know, so it's.
I just think that it's going tochange depending on your kid
and what they need over theyears.
Like, just expect it to changeas they get older.

Speaker 1 (40:48):
You know, okay, and that's one way to look at it,
almost as if it's like seasonal,like I'm doing this for them,
or I'm handling this situationBecause we used to have to be so
hands on.

Speaker 2 (41:01):
Right, correct.
The older you have to learn tolet go.
That was my thing.
That was what my son told me.
He said you know, I was toosmothering, like he's, like
you're a smotherer.
I was like, don't tell me that.

Speaker 1 (41:15):
That's what I never wanted to be Right.
But you have that dialogue withhim, so that says a lot that
he's able to identify what theissue is for him and what's not
working for him, and then he'snot only is he identifying it,
but he's also communicating thatto you to let you know how to
correct it and how to fix it.
So that's pretty awesome, thatyou're able to foster that

(41:39):
relationship with him so thathe's a little more confident.
You know, it starts at home,Right?
So if he's able to do that withyou, then if he's in a
relationship or he has certainfriendships with certain people,
he can communicate the samething because he's practiced
that skill.
So that's that's pretty amazing.

Speaker 2 (42:00):
We definitely had more conversations and I think a
lot of teenage boys would havehad, you know, with their moms.
So that's, that's a good thing.
But I always want, I alwayswant my kids, even if they, you
know, if they mess up oranything like that.
It's like I always want you tobe able to come to me.
So we have this thing.
We call it the 10 seconds,right, okay?

(42:23):
Or, I'm sorry, not 10 seconds,10 minutes.
And so they come to me and sayI need 10 minutes.
You know, they can pretty muchconfess anything to me without
fear of, you know, backlash,disciplinary action or whatever
you want to call it.
It's an open 10 minutes forthem to clear the air.
They can say like, for instance, once it was sixth grade and

(42:47):
one of my girls came to me andshe said I need 10 minutes.
I was like, oh, okay, what isit?
And she said I cheated.
I said you cheated.
She's such a good girl, youknow.
And she said yeah, and she juststarted tearing up like ball
and she's like I cheated and Ifeel really bad about it, mom,

(43:11):
and blah, blah, blah.
And so she told me what shecheated on.
It was something that you knowshe couldn't, she didn't finish
it and so just before class shegot the rest of the answers, or
whatever you know, and that'slife.
And I just told her.
I was like, well, I'm glad thatyou told me, and because you
came and you told me and youused your 10 minutes, I said you

(43:32):
don't have a punishment.
I said, but you do need to makeit right.
How can you make it right?
And she just said I'm going toask my teacher if I can do a
different assignment and thenI'll just have an extra
assignment.
And I was like, yeah, that's agood idea, go do that, right.
But just having that you knowthat space where they can come

(43:53):
and say something, knowing that,like, hey, I told you I needed
a 10 minutes, don't you knowwhat I mean?
It allows them to have somekind of open conversation, open
dialogue about whatever it is.
Knowing that, okay, mom's notgoing to freak out.
I can't say that I'm notfreaking out on the inside,
Right.

Speaker 1 (44:13):
So how did the 10 minutes?
How did you come up with that?
Where, where?
What was the birthplace ofthose the 10 minutes?

Speaker 2 (44:21):
I want to say.
It was when, when my son wasjust now going into his teenage
years, we had conversationsafter conversations but he
started to go into a place wherehe was a little more fist to
chest with his information, andso we started bumping heads and

(44:44):
I just told him I was like, look, we need a space.
We need a space where you can,you can say whatever you need to
say and not feel like you'regoing to get in trouble.
And I think he he used it lessthan the girls, but it just
helps us to communicate a littlebit more.
But again, he was like my firstchild.
So I hate to say it this way,but your first child is like

(45:08):
your experimental child.
You're trying out some otherstuff, like did this work, did
that work, I don't know.
And so my girls have reallykind of latched onto that 10
minutes and now they use it very, I think, like just willingly
they come to me and it could belike a 10 minutes about the
other one.

(45:28):
You know, like this you can'ttell her.
I told you this.
But it's like okay, whatever itis, I have to keep it I have to
hold on.
So, yeah, I think it just camefrom, it came out of necessity.
I didn't want the relationshipthat I cherished with my

(45:50):
firstborn to become this.
You know the secret of beingolder, and you know we all.
If you have teenagers, you knowthings change.
They're not that open kid thatwants to come home and tell you
everything anymore, you know.
So, yeah, it's been.
It's been especially helpfulfor me.

Speaker 1 (46:12):
So have you had any parenting moments that haven't
been as successful or haven'tgone the way that you had hoped?
Typically, I well, I justoperationally define this.
That's what I call the shittymom moment, right when it's like

(46:35):
oh, I overreacted, oh, maybe Ishouldn't have handled it that
way, I should have donesomething differently.
And you know, we can't movebackwards.
We can only learn from thosemistakes and move forward.
But does anything kind of cometo mind that kind of made you
like, okay, let me go back tothe drawing board and let me

(46:57):
figure something out.
Do you have any moments likethat?

Speaker 2 (47:01):
I mean, I have moments like that all the time.
The biggest thing for me isgoing to be like all right, I
messed up, like I just said tomy daughter, yesterday or I
think was Friday night, I wentto her room because I blamed her
for a spill that was in thekitchen.
I was like, hey, you spill thisstuff.

(47:22):
You didn't clean it up and youknow, like stuff just like that,
like oh my gosh, I'm so tiredof cleaning up after you, blah,
blah, blah.
She's like I didn't spill that,that wasn't me.
I was like what was just me andyou here, you know, later on I
realized I had made a smoothieand it was in the blender.
Right the bottom of our blenderdrips a little.

(47:42):
It was my freaking smoothie Fornot having cleaned up the floor
and when I realized it, I hadto.
I had to, you know, eat mud.
I walked to her room and I saidyou know the spots on the floor
that I accused you of?
And she was like, yeah, Ididn't do that.

(48:03):
I said no, I know, I know.
I'm just telling you that itwas me and I apologize.
Mom's make mistakes too, youknow.
And that was it.
She didn't rub it in oranything like that, and I walked
out, you know.
But I had to go up and let herknow, especially because my
initial reaction was so like I'malways cleaning up after you,

(48:25):
right?
No, that was me.
I mean, I can't, I don't have a, we don't have enough time for
that.

Speaker 1 (48:34):
That you are able to share that with her.
I think recently I've startedsharing those moments a little
bit more with my son.

Speaker 2 (48:44):
Just.

Speaker 1 (48:45):
I call it like I'm human right, so say, in terms of
like behavior therapy.
We have all of these strategiesthat we're supposed to use to
improve behaviors right, and weknow that if we change the
environment then we can kind ofchange any behavior, shape any
behavior and things like that.

(49:06):
So that's always in the back ofmy mind when it comes to me
with my son, like what behaviorsdo I want to see, what
behaviors don't I like, and howcan I like change this
environment?
But then I find like sometimes,in some days, my reaction is a
little more automatic, like I'mon autopilot and it's just like

(49:29):
look, I kind of go back to theway that I was raised, right,
like the way that I was broughtup.
If this happens like this isgoing to be the outcome.
If I did this, I knew my momwas going to be on my neck about
XYZ.
So yeah, sometimes thatupbringing kind of overrides all

(49:50):
of the training that we've had,so now, whenever I have the
upbringing is conditioning rightCorrect Years and years and
unfortunately, like my son, hegets the brunt end of it, like
the way that I was raised.
children don't do this, childrendon't do that, and you need to

(50:12):
fall in line and when you don'tfall in line behavior analysts,
behavior therapists or not thisis the right.
This is the response thatyou're going to get, but one day
, on our way to school sayingthat again no, go ahead.

Speaker 2 (50:29):
You know I was going to say my biggest thing is a
disrespectful like tone fromkids so like my daughters.
One of them, she has been well,both of them really.
They're more adamant aboutmutual respect, right, oh, okay.
And I feel like we have a mutualrespect, but don't forget, I am

(50:53):
the mom, right?
So if I don't know, there'stimes when one of my daughters,
she, reminds me so much of meand maybe that's the thing, like
your parents always tell you,like if you give it to me,
you're going to get it back.
Oh, yeah, you know she is mewhen I was 13.

(51:15):
And I tell her that and she,you know she rolls her eyes or
whatever.
But my girl, let me tell youyou, are so me at 13.
And I see it, but her tone, shehas a harsher tone and I don't
think she honestly means it orknows where it's coming from.
Do you know what I mean?
She doesn't know how it'sperceived.

(51:36):
Okay, right.
And so I had to talk to herabout that.
I was like, listen, the waythat I grew up, if I were to use
just the tone that you're usingwith me, I don't know if I
would have lips.
I was raised by a Southern man,right, my body was from Houston
, texas, so I don't know that Iwould be able to chew my food.

(51:58):
Well, if I spoke to my parentsthe way that you speak to me
sometimes, and I never want herto feel like she's lesser than.
And so there's this like newhype around gentle parenting.
Oh my goodness.
Yes, we try that, we do that,we're.

(52:19):
You know, we have those moments.
But when I tell you, when Ihear that tone, the switch gets
flipped so quickly, right, it'slike what did you say to me?
You better watch your tone,right?
You know what I mean, right?
And so then I go all the wayback to, like you said, my
upbringing.
It's like don't take me there,correct?

(52:40):
So I understand that.
It's just.
It's tough because you want tobe that parent that can talk
through everything, right, butsometimes I'm not that parent.
I'm that parent that I can'teven talk to you right now
because I'm too pissed and thebest thing for me to do is to go
in my room and the best thingfor you to do is to leave me

(53:00):
alone Right Absolutely.

Speaker 1 (53:02):
And those are the moments, instead of me being as
reactive and just like because Ireally do keep count for me,
it's more of a behavior change,like I see things that I don't
like.
I want to change those withmyself and with my son, like,
look, that's about to become abad habit.
I don't like it, let's work onit, let's fix it, but it's the

(53:25):
same for me.
So with the the, the shitty mommoments, as I like to call them
, I'll kind of, when I'm able toI know I can't backtrack, I
know I can't take it away, but Iwill go back to him now and say
, hey, sit down, we need to talk.
You know, this is why I havesuch a strong reaction when you

(53:46):
do XYZ.
So if you don't want to getthis reaction from me when I
tell you XYZ, that's what I needyou to do.
And I need you to do it rightaway.
This, this is my expectation.
So if you want my reaction tochange, you need to react a
little better, Like when I, whenI ask you something, when my

(54:08):
expectations, when I'vecommunicated those expectations
usually that's what does it forme I've gone above and beyond to
help you out, to make sure youunderstand what I'm asking and
you still don't do it.
Now I think you're beingdeliberate.
Now I'm taking it as disrespect, and you know that's.
That's a no, no right.

Speaker 2 (54:30):
I'm right there with you I get it.
I love, though, that you saidyou give your expectations,
because I just had aconversation similar to what you
described with my otherdaughter, and I told her.
She said I don't know why yougot so upset with me or whatever

(54:50):
.
And I said to her I said it'sbecause you were so sweet
getting out of the car, that's,you know, that's my little girl
that I remember, and then, bythe time that you had called me,
you had such a horrible tone itwas so disrespectful, the tone
that you use, and so I had toexplain to her what ticked me

(55:10):
off, why it ticked me off, butwhat I left out is the
expectation piece that you justmentioned, and so, if I were to
go back to that conversationthat I just had with her just a
couple of days ago, I would sayto her when you speak to me, I
expect you to blank right sothat she understands that

(55:30):
expectation, because, also, Ithink kids at their age they
forget sometimes.
You're talking to your parent,you know you are not talking to
your friends.
Right, you know I am your wholemom.
Right, I have, I have financedyour life those tennis shoes you

(55:53):
have on those Jordans, thoseyou know.
But those are the type ofthings that I want them to
remember.
And the truth is like, when Iwas a kid, I didn't, I didn't
remember those things.
I was exactly as my daughter iscurrently.
I actually had a moment where Irecognized that I was a shitty

(56:13):
daughter.
Oh okay Because of theinteraction that I was having
with one of my kids and I calledmy dad and I said you remember
when Blanky Blank and he was hekind of chuckled.
He said yeah, I said Iapologize, I'm sorry for that, I

(56:34):
get it now.
And I told him that.
I said I get it, you know.
And so it's like yeah,everything, yeah, full circle?

Speaker 1 (56:42):
Absolutely, yep, it definitely does.
And I think I don't know my sonlike.
He has ADHD.
I see a lot of similaritiesbetween both of us and you know
my my mom is from Georgia, moveddown to Florida.
She later on in life and shereally didn't play that learning

(57:06):
disability this than the other.
But now I think of it I'm like,oh my gosh, I was just like him
when I was that age.
Like, oh my gosh, I was aroundhere with ADHD, just really
really all.
And like labels.
We didn't have all thesesupports Right.

(57:29):
So when I'm talking to him,sometimes I have to stop myself
and I remind myself okay, youknow what?
He's not even paying attentionanymore, like you need to talk
in soundbites.
But when I was younger, I canremember the exact same thing
and it's just like next thingyou know somebody going across
your head because you're notpaying attention and it's like I

(57:51):
wasn't paying attention but Icouldn't help it.

Speaker 2 (57:54):
Like this is my disability.
You're literally punishing mefor my disability right now, and
I had no clue.

Speaker 1 (58:01):
I didn't discover anything until after my son was
diagnosed.
So now all of these things justkeep flooding back and I'm like
, oh my gosh.
But at the same time I feelthat I can identify with my mom,
because she probably didn'tknow either and she was probably
at her wits end Like I haveless access to information,

(58:25):
absolutely so much less right,Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (58:28):
Now you can Google stuff.
Right now you can Googleintervention Right Exactly.

Speaker 1 (58:33):
Absolutely, and I think for my mom, a single mom
with two girls, I think somedays I just when I not even
pushed her to the edge.

Speaker 2 (58:44):
I think I must have pushed her over the cliff.

Speaker 1 (58:48):
Like what are you doing?
Like everyone in the familysays, like it's not my sister is
me.
Like I'm the get back on mymom's.
Not at all Like me and my momhave the same personality.
But if anybody had to choose,like all right, which daughter

(59:11):
is the hell?
Yeah, and like it would be me.
I know it would be me that'show you know who gives you hell.

Speaker 2 (59:18):
That's why I said my one daughter, who I feel like.
Oh man, I'm looking at myself.
That's why I'm getting all thishelp.

Speaker 1 (59:26):
Yep, and you know, yeah, that's the same thing with
my son.
So now I do have those momentswhere I'm talking to my sister,
like now I see why mom used towalk around and like we would
think like oh, she's just, youknow, if she told you to clean
up, like we would think we havecleaned this room from top to

(59:49):
bottom, blah, blah, blah.
She would give us the whole day.
She wouldn't bother us, andthen she would always warn us.
Now, if I go in there, if Ifind stuff, if I you know, it is
going to be a problem.
Like it's two of you, yourgirls.
There is no excuse.
I'm giving you all the time youneed.

Speaker 2 (01:00:10):
I'm checking the room on this day, which means your
girls, because I feel like girlsare messier than boys.

Speaker 1 (01:00:17):
I just I don't even know.
They're not supposed to be.

Speaker 2 (01:00:21):
It's the scent of the wheel.
I have no idea if gendermatters.
I know I'm sick of seeing aroom that looks like a hurricane
.

Speaker 1 (01:00:32):
And that's how we would be.
And we would, oh, yes, yes, wedid it, we did.
And my sister and I.
She's five years older than Iam, so I'm like, oh, we made up
the bed, like we got it, and mymom would go in that room, close
the door and come out with agarbage bag just full of stuff,

(01:00:53):
and like we would walk in theroom, like, oh, it even smells
better, like the air is fresher,like how did she find so much
to clean when we cleaned it?
And she'll like, yeah, I lookedunder the bed, like what?
you know, oh, you didn't sayclean up.

Speaker 2 (01:01:09):
She was way.
I don't even, I don't even know.
Yes, I don't want to.

Speaker 1 (01:01:15):
Right, right, exactly .
So now I see the same thingwith my son.
Like I, almost I have to givehim a task analysis.
Like your room is clean.
If you got all the trash outfrom under the bed, did you
check in between the mattressand get the trash from there?
Like I don't want to see anyrappers.

Speaker 2 (01:01:39):
I go to my behavior brain with this one, like you're
doing with the task analysis,but instead mine is all about
motivation, right?
So where do you want to go?
Oh, oh, yes, of course you cango.
Oh, what do you want to do withyour friend?
Absolutely, you can do it.
You need money.
Sure, are all your chores done?

(01:01:59):
Yeah, if the answer is no, thennone of those things are
happening, right?
No, you're not going anywhere.
No, you're not hanging withyour friends and you definitely
aren't getting any money, youknow.
So, come Friday, theirmotivation for the weekend is is
your room clean?
Are your chores done?
Does my house smell nice?

(01:02:21):
Okay, if so, go have a freeweekend.
Yes, you can spend the nightthey could come over, but other
than that, no Right, yeah, it'sjust you know what to say.
They spent a lot of weekends inthe house.

Speaker 1 (01:02:33):
I was hopeful that it would like get better.
They get older.
I have something to lookforward to.
They were better when they wereyounger.

Speaker 2 (01:02:43):
Okay, I think it's just this phase of life.
No, I have one who is almost aneat freak, and so she.
She gets messy at times, butfor the most part she's the
single child that I haven't hadto like tell go clean your room,
okay, nice, she kind of keepsit tidy.

Speaker 1 (01:03:03):
So does she follow suit?
I mean, does the other one kindof follow suit Like oh, I see
this one got to go out, so letme do the other one.

Speaker 2 (01:03:10):
Because they're twins .
I don't know if this hasanything to do with it For the
parents out there with twins,maybe they see the same thing,
but they switch.
So earlier in age my otherdaughter was very neat, and this
one was messy Like this one.
When we got ready to gosomewhere fun, she might have to

(01:03:30):
, you know, stay behind becauseshe didn't.
You know, she didn't clean up,Whereas they shared a room
though they shared a roomtogether, and so my other
daughter, her side, was alwaysclean.
Now that they're out of thesame room with each other, it's
the opposite.
This one that used to keep herroom clean.
I mean, it's horrific in there.

(01:03:52):
I don't even want to go inthere and look, I just tell her
I'm going upstairs, I'm going towalk past your room.
Make sure it's clean.
When I do, Nobody wants to walkpast something that looks like
that, Whereas my other one Idon't really even have to tell
her.
So I guess early on she got herfill of being left out of

(01:04:14):
things because she didn't cleanup.
She didn't do what she wassupposed to do.
I don't know, but they'vedefinitely switched.
The tables have turned.

Speaker 1 (01:04:23):
So do you have any?
We've talked about like shittymom syndrome.
When you have these, momentsthat you just really wish, like
I'm not, you know, meeting thestandards that I would like to
meet, or setting theexpectations that I've set for
myself, like I haven't met thoseso typically in ABA.

(01:04:50):
We would call those like targetbehaviors.
Right, like these are thethings that I want to get better
with, I want to fix, I want toimprove on these, but how do you
cope with those moments Likehow do you get through them
yourself personally, once yourealize like, oh, I may have not

(01:05:12):
handled that the right way.

Speaker 2 (01:05:14):
Like how do you get yourself through those?

Speaker 1 (01:05:16):
moments.

Speaker 2 (01:05:19):
I think, like you said, like recognizing I'm human
right.
And I'm big on my giving grace,I use that word a lot with you
know my girls just in general,like give them grace, you know
when they're upset with a friendor something like that, and so
I try to give myself grace too.
Okay, right, but I also I havethat little inner voice that is

(01:05:44):
telling me, like I tell my girls, when they do something, make
it right how are you going tomake?
it right, Right.
And so if there's somethingthat I'm really down on myself
about, like gosh, you didn't dothat, you didn't.
You know, you didn't do a goodjob with that situation, or
whatever it is, Most recently,I'm really bummed about us

(01:06:07):
getting out of our dinnerrituals.
Like we used to have dinnertogether at night every night,
except maybe the weekends whenthey got to be with their
friends, et cetera, et cetera.
We've gotten away from some ofthose practices and I've just
been like beating myself upabout it, like feeling like such
a horrible parent because alltheir life we've had these types

(01:06:29):
of standards in place for ourfamily meals you know, but it's
just recognizing that I'm notperfect.
I am human and I need to givemyself some grace because if I
don't, it can become depressing.
You know, if I'm just puttingso much pressure on myself to be

(01:06:51):
this perfect parent like newsflash, there's no such thing as
a perfect parent.

Speaker 1 (01:06:55):
Correct, absolutely.

Speaker 2 (01:06:57):
No kid comes with a manual, and I don't care that we
have access to Google now.
Yeah, google can't tell me howto deal with my babies when
they're going through theirstuff.
So I would say I just try togive myself some grace and I'm
really good at self-talk.

(01:07:18):
Okay, I learned that a longtime ago and it's like you know,
it's one of those things thatwhen you need a little more
drive in your life, you use itthen.
Well, when I need a little moregrace in my life, I use it then
.
Okay, just so that I don'tallow the negative talk in my
mind to get so overwhelming thatI truly feel like that's who I

(01:07:41):
am.
No, that was a bad decision.
I'm not a bad mom Right Now.
That was a shitty way to snapat your kid.
Don't make it right.
But it doesn't mean that itovershadows everything.
Right, you know everything thatyou do as a parent and all the
good and great that you've donefor your child, because you had

(01:08:02):
that moment.

Speaker 1 (01:08:04):
I like that, Not letting those moments overshadow
the good and the positivemoments.
I try to tell everyone because,of course, when you hear the
name of the show Four ShittyMoms it's like, uh what, that's
a shitty moment.

Speaker 2 (01:08:21):
Right, that is okay, we're human Right.

Speaker 1 (01:08:28):
And that's where it really came from, because I
found myself at one point justgoing through those,
experiencing the changes that myson was going through.
You know, it pushes you as aparent to go through changes
that you don't necessarilyexpect and it seems like
whenever you feel like okay, Igot it down, we're in our stride

(01:08:52):
, like something comes up Right,they go, they start going
through another phase and theneverything that you learned kind
of goes out the window and nowyou have to learn a new set of
skills.
And I think for myself, likethe birthplace of Four Shitty
Moms was really me being in aheadspace and kind of stuck in

(01:09:15):
those mistakes that I had madein the past.
So I'm stuck there.
My son he's getting older, he'sgrowing and just one day I had
an epiphany, like you know whatthose mistakes are not even
bothering him as much as they'rebothering me.
Like he's not thinking about it.
He's not dwelling on it.

(01:09:35):
I realize he's a little moreresilient than I thought he was,
and really it's me.
I'm stuck on those samemistakes, like I'm overthinking
everything now, like I don'twant to do anything now because
I feel like I'm screwing up, I'mmessing up.
Oh, I messed up that time and Ijust screwed up again, and so

(01:09:58):
let me.

Speaker 2 (01:10:00):
I got to jump in there because, um, do you
remember the conversation Imentioned that I just had a few
days ago, when I had to tell mydaughter, like I didn't like the
way you talk to me, one of thethings like being a spiritual
woman, one of the things I do Italk to God constantly, right,

(01:10:21):
like, am I doing what I'msupposed to be doing?
And like, you know, whateverpeople believe in, we all have
that little inner voice, right,and what came to me was you are
so focused on the negativebehaviors that you don't even
get to celebrate the positive,right, right, and so sometimes

(01:10:43):
we, like you said, overthink, weare overthinking these.
You know negative moments,whether it be our own moments or
the moments from our kids.
That was one moment.
Don't let that moment now ruina whole day.
Right, and the reason why I saythat is because this, I
mentioned that in that, in thatexchange that I had with my

(01:11:04):
daughter, she had this really,really genuinely sweet moment
with me.
Earlier before we had a phonecall where her tone you know
that's my trigger.
I like that disrespectful tone,but that moment was the moment
that every parent of you know ateenage girl.

(01:11:25):
They want, they want thosemoments, they want to see that.
You know that sweet eight yearold almost, that they used to
have Right, right, yeah.
And so I had a moment like thatwith her.
And then, a couple of hourslater, the tone triggered this
like, oh you know, and now we'rein a negative space because of
this moment.

(01:11:46):
Why does this moment have totrump that one?
Why do I have to be stuck inthis negative space when I could
just focus on that positive one?
And sometimes we do that toourselves, sometimes we do that
to our kids, right, and it was.
It just came to me, like youput more energy into the
negative than you do into thepositive, Absolutely.

(01:12:08):
And so we know, as behavioristswhen you do that, what do you
reap?

Speaker 1 (01:12:13):
You reap more negative, you get more negative.
Absolutely, absolutely.

Speaker 2 (01:12:16):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:12:17):
So I'm glad that you said that.
Yeah, absolutely.
I mean it's been a learningexperience.
So whenever it you hear thename right For shitty moms, it
first my husband was like uh, isit for like four, or is it for
like the number?
Like what are you doing?

(01:12:37):
So I'm explaining, I'm like,well, that's just, that's just
how I feel, and even the selftalk, like that's where it came
from, like oh my gosh, you knowwhat?
I'm just a shitty mom.
That was horrible, but let mefix it.

Speaker 2 (01:12:56):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (01:12:57):
Let me make it better and I cannot be the only mom
feeling shitty.
And he just kind of looked atme like okay, Like, but that was
my way.
Right, exactly, but you knowthis is a nonstop job.
This job is 24 seven and it'slike you're constantly.

(01:13:19):
It can be the smallest thingand when it's thing after thing
after thing after thing is likeoh my goodness, am I messing up
my child?
Like am I doing anything rightand it does overshadow and you,
you put things into perspectiveand it's like it wasn't even
that bad, or yeah, with my sonis like, a few minutes later

(01:13:44):
he's onto something else.
I'm still bothered by it.
And he's just onto the next andhe's not even thinking about it
anymore.

Speaker 2 (01:13:52):
That is so true.
Yeah, we hold onto things.
I don't know why we do thatsometimes.
As parents, we definitely holdonto things, but there was a
moment in a movie that I sawrecently was so funny because
the movie was the Barbie movie.
Okay, who saw that?
There was like mixed reviewsabout it.
Nonetheless, there was onescene where pretty much

(01:14:16):
everybody in my role teared up.
There was a lot of moms, acouple dads in between, and it
was the moment she went on herrant about all that is expected
of a mom you know, or, as youknow, when you're trying to do
things this way and you know youmess up, and I just remember it

(01:14:39):
hitting home.
It just hit home in that momentand I teared up and it was like
I missed those moments that youcould just.
You know, when the kids arelittle and they're at that age
where they're just so cute andeverything is cute and fun, and
blah, blah, blah, I was likegosh, I missed those moments.
And now, at this stage, thosemoments are slipping away.

(01:15:04):
You know what I mean?
It's like no, they're about tobe adults here in five years.

Speaker 1 (01:15:09):
Yeah, absolutely, so why would?

Speaker 2 (01:15:10):
I spend so much of my time focusing on those negative
, nasty little moments.
Like, say what you need to say.
I'm not saying that you knowwe're not going to check our kid
when they need to be checked,Correct, Okay, Because we're
still trying to rear good people, people that are going to go

(01:15:31):
out into the world and treatpeople with kindness, with
respect.
So I'm not saying don't checkthem in that moment.
I mean just don't let thingslinger, even your own behavior,
Like don't let it linger In thatmoment.
You said you were upset withyour son and now he's over it.
I do the same thing.
My girls have even told me likemom, you're mad, but like I'll

(01:15:57):
get upset when they argue witheach other.
They pick at each other and Iget upset and it puts me in a
bad mood the rest of the day.
And they're like in the nextmoment, literally the next time
the clock ticks, they are bestfriends again.

Speaker 1 (01:16:12):
And I am still pissed off and you still bothered.

Speaker 2 (01:16:15):
I am at work, pissed off, because that's how my
morning started.
You know, they get out of workor out of school and they switch
shoes and switch jackets andtheir besties and I'm like what
are you guys doing to me?
I hate when you do this.
They're like mom.
It was just a minute, Like wewere just upset with each other.

(01:16:35):
We're over it.

Speaker 1 (01:16:36):
But I think we put more into it, because at least I
know for me what really sendsme over the edge is I start
those what ifs right, because myjob is to prepare you as an
adult, because I'm not alwaysgoing to be here.
So when I see things like thatI'm thinking as an adult, like

(01:16:59):
you can't do those things whenI'm gone, like you need to know
how to do this on your ownwithout being told, because when
I'm gone you're going to haveto take care of yourself.
Like I'm not going to be hereto fix it.
So usually that kind of sendsme into that spiral and that
panic.
And then I have to remindmyself, like girl, he's 10.

Speaker 2 (01:17:22):
I was just going to say he's not even close to being
an adult.

Speaker 1 (01:17:25):
He's 10.
But he's not thinking aboutthat.

Speaker 2 (01:17:30):
How many things did we learn without our parents?
You know what I mean, and so wetry to protect our kids from
all the what ifs of the worldthat may or may not even occur,
or that they're probably noteven ready for.

Speaker 1 (01:17:46):
Right, exactly, exactly.

Speaker 2 (01:17:49):
Yeah, they're probably just not even ready for
it.
But I am like you.
I am constantly thinking that,especially with the work that we
do.
Our job is to help kids becomeindependent in this world, and
so, from a very young age, Istart their parents to thinking
like, where do you want to seeyour child when they're an adult

(01:18:09):
?
And they're like four now?
But you have to keep your eyeon the prize.
Well, guess what With our kids?
That's true, they might bestruggling with ADHD, like your
son, or doing something else,but it doesn't mean that we have
to teach them everything rightnow.

Speaker 1 (01:18:27):
Yeah absolutely.

Speaker 2 (01:18:28):
They still have time, they're still growing and I
know for me there are so manythings that I did under my
parents' nose that they had noidea about.
I learned some things the hardway and the reality is our kids
are sometimes going to learn thehard way and we have to be okay
with that.
But we want them to learneverything right now by our

(01:18:49):
rules.
So that's the tough part,that's the part that I'm trying
to get over, especially having achild who's now an adult.
He helped me to understand that, okay, there comes a time when
you do have to step back alittle bit Right and you do have
to let your kid figure somethings out on their own.

(01:19:09):
You know Absolutely, and even.

Speaker 1 (01:19:14):
I mean they can do it at any age.
Those problem-solving skills,they really do have to work on
it.
It's not going to be somethingthat just happens overnight, so
that has helped me back off alittle bit and kind of leave the
open-ended questions there it'sdefinitely.

(01:19:34):
And even now I can see my sonlike, if I leave it to him, like
, is your choice, is yourdecision?
He's like what, what?

Speaker 2 (01:19:42):
Looking at you kind of weird right Like are you okay
, he's panicking a little bit.

Speaker 1 (01:19:47):
Yeah, so even today, something as simple as we're
eating ice cream before westarted the show and I'm like
you know what, I'm not going tobe able to finish mine, I'm
going to save it for later.
And then after, like, I kind ofjust walked away and after a
while I see him go into thefreezer putting his ice cream

(01:20:07):
away.
And he is just like me, loveschocolate, like loves ice cream,
and I'm like you're putting itaway.
He was like yeah, I know, Ijust know you wouldn't want me
to eat the whole thing, wow.

Speaker 2 (01:20:24):
Like that's what every parent wants to hear.
Right, and I'm like you.

Speaker 1 (01:20:30):
okay, that's awesome, Right.
So even something as simple asice cream.
Like I'm pretty sure he wasthinking like I'm just waiting
on her to tell me to like noteat the whole thing, because
usually I'm on him about yeah,I'm like your choice.
And he's like probably lookingat me like are you okay?

(01:20:50):
Yeah, I love that.
Yeah, I'm slowly getting thereand learning and kind of just
letting him feel his way throughdifferent situations, because
he's got to start somewhere andI have to start somewhere.

Speaker 2 (01:21:09):
Yeah, it's been hard for me to let go and, like I
said, with having twin13-year-olds, that, like our
one-on-one time, is sometimeswhen I'm able to get the most
out of like who they are.

Speaker 1 (01:21:24):
Okay, you know what?

Speaker 2 (01:21:25):
I mean.
And so I had a moment with oneof the girls where I noticed she
was changing a little bit.
I noticed her being a littlebit of a follower and she's so
headstrong.
That's never been something Ieven worried about and I just
remember having a conversationwith her when we were on our
little one-on-one and I askedher instead of telling her, you

(01:21:47):
know, I asked her.
I said do you think there'sanything different in the way
that you're behaving like latewhen it comes to like your
friends and you know the clothesyou're wearing and the things
you're saying.
Do you notice anythingdifferent?
And she immediately this is theone, like I said she told on

(01:22:09):
herself she cheated.
She immediately kind of startedto look down and she said I've
kind of been noticing like I'mbeing a little bit of a follower
lately and Whoo, it was like itwas like some kind of like
spirit lifted off.

Speaker 1 (01:22:25):
I was like oh, thank you, jesus she noticed it too,
okay.

Speaker 2 (01:22:30):
Come at her and say in a follower, because then she
would have been defensive right.
Right and she said, yeah, I'vekind of been noticing, I've been
a little bit of a followerlately and I said really okay
and tell me about that.

Speaker 1 (01:22:49):
And so I remember has been her.

Speaker 2 (01:22:52):
I said so how are you , how are you going to like
Reestablish who you are and like, set that you know that
firmness when it comes todealing with your friends?
Like, how are you going toreestablish who you are, despite
what they might say to you?
They might say to you like, ohwell, you're acting snooty or

(01:23:15):
you know.
And I'm giving her differentscenarios.
I said how are you gonna beable to do that, isn't it just?
I mean, it might be easier tojust be a follower at this point
.
And she said no.
And then she started talking me.
She said I'm just gonna tellthem this and this.
I'm thinking to myself Thankyou, okay, she's saying the

(01:23:35):
words.
Yeah, I would have given herright, but it's coming from her,
and so what that tells me isthey're listening, yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:23:45):
That's really rewarding too.

Speaker 2 (01:23:48):
Yeah, but that approach, like when you just
walked away and you didn't tellhim anything, right, that
approach where, instead of metelling her, you've been a
follower and you need to tellyour friends this, and the
approach of letting them youknow, figured out it.
It.
It does two things.
It lets us know that they'relistening right, right.
And also it helps them feellike they're in control, correct

(01:24:11):
, absolutely.
And they need to feel that,because we're not always gonna
be here, correct.
They need to know that you, youhave control over you, you know
, so you can make good decisionsall on your own and you don't
need me standing right over youtelling you right, absolutely.

Speaker 1 (01:24:26):
Yeah and then I made sure like okay, I'm so proud of
you and you know you got a.
Yeah, yeah, I'm like let mereinforce this so I can see it a
little bit more.
But I was really shocked andI'm just like, okay, I'm really
proud of you, like that's,that's a really mature decision

(01:24:49):
to make, because what kidwouldn't want to sit there and
eat a whole thing of ice cream,you know, but he kind of great
age too for him to start makingthose at ten years old, like
because next year He'll be, oris he already?
In middle school.
He'll be in middle school nextyear and that's a big Gonna

(01:25:10):
start praying now.
Yeah, that's the the biggestStressor right now.
I keep trying to tell him like,honey, it's, it's gonna be
different, it is not the same.
I think the school I've beenkind of reading up on it, the
school that he's zoned for, it'slike Picking schools.

(01:25:30):
Yeah, headache.
Yeah, it's about 1300 kids atthis school.
Yeah, so I'm like it's gonna be, different and I cannot make
every choice for you.
So you know you're gonna haveto start somewhere.

Speaker 2 (01:25:46):
The same thing with the friends like hey, hey so
much peer pressure at this age,that middle school age.
I'd always heard it from otherparents with children older than
mine Like oh boy, middle schoolmiddle school.
You know, get ready for middleschool.
Yeah and I know what they meant.
This is the stage where, likethe kids are trying to figure

(01:26:10):
out you know who they are andthey're Too young to really
understand all of theconsequences of their actions
and choices and they're too oldto really fear the authorities
in you know, schools and thingslike that, so they really have
to have Someone at home that ishelping them to.

(01:26:32):
You know, plant that firmnessof this is who I am.
I don't do things like that.
I'm not this, I'm not that.
I don't say this.
You know what I mean and I'vehad those conversations with
both of my girls.
With one of them it was moreabout the language.
I looked in the phone.
I do phone checks, it's random,okay you know, and although it
was acronyms, because of courseall the text language is all

(01:26:55):
Acronyms right and I'm like ASF.
I know what that means.
What are you doing?
Right, and she's like mom, butit's not a real no, but you know
what it means.
Right is a court.
Is this what you?
Is this the type of person thatyou want to be?
And if all the kids around youare using bad language, is that

(01:27:17):
the group that you want to be in?
Right?
And then, with my otherdaughter, it was more about
dressing.
It's like, um, it's a littletoo short girlfriend.
She got left.
I remember one morning a fewmonths ago and and believe it or
not, the weather here in Vegasyou know it's known for being

(01:27:40):
sunny and hot, mm-hmm, we had awhole blizzard on this day.
It did not start early in themorning, early, our weather is a
little bit schizophrenic here.
So in the morning it was breezy, nice day, felt like San Diego,
and this little girl came outin a little skirt that she had

(01:28:04):
from maybe two years ago orsomething, and I was like where
do you think you're going inthat?
Are you serious right now?
And I told her I have a meeting, but here's what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna drop your sister atschool.
By the time I get back, youneed to have on an outfit that
is appropriate for school, youknow.
And when I got back, we talkedabout it and she told me she was

(01:28:25):
like, well, it's picture dayand all my friends, we were
gonna wear the same thing andthis.
They all have Many skirts and Idon't have, and I'm well too
bad, you know.
But she had picked an outfitthat was appropriate.
Do you know, on this day, rightaround lunchtime, there was
this whole storm that camethrough Vegas.
It was freezing cold, it snoweda little.

(01:28:48):
I was like I don't know if weneed to get on our knees and
pray.
I don't know what's happening,but it is snowing in Vegas.
And when I picked her up fromschool, I just chuckled and I
looked at her.
I said I bet you're pretty gladI made you change huh.
Yeah, it was so cold today itwas freezing today.
Yeah, you're about to be outthere freezing your little

(01:29:12):
kneecaps off.

Speaker 1 (01:29:15):
And that's good, like those are the moments we can
kind of look back at and laughat them, because I think what
makes it better is that youdidn't have that explosive
Reaction, right?
It's just, hey, go fix it andI'll be back and.
Ultimately like that.
That's what it's all about.
So this is a behavior changepodcast, so typically Towards

(01:29:40):
the end of the show, we kind ofI always like to wrap it up by
pointing out replacementbehaviors, as we call them like
we we know what behaviors or wehave an idea of Of what
behaviors that we engage insometimes that we want to change
and then weneed to replace those behaviors
with something to kind of servethe same function.

(01:30:01):
And today, as we were goingthrough um the show, you gave a
lot of ideas for replacementbehaviors and I've just been
jotting them down, so I'm goingto take our listeners through
them, because I feel like youreally dropped a lot of gems
right now.
So I just want to share themwith our listeners so that way,

(01:30:25):
if Something that was said todayresonates with them, they kind
of know okay, this is where I amand this is where I would like
to be.
How do I get there Right?
So some of the replacementbehaviors that you mentioned
today include self talk, whichwas a good one, because, look, I

(01:30:45):
can use that myself.
Um, give grace, know that, like, mistakes are going to happen,
um, but not dwelling on it, andI love that.
You said that the mistakesShouldn't overshadow the
accomplishments, so it kind ofhelps you to move forward a
little bit.
Um, you definitely mentioned ondifferent occasions that you

(01:31:09):
talked to god.
I think that kind of helps alot of us.
I've seen even with my mom.
I know between my sister and Iwe Took my mom through it.
But I think a lot of times,even without her having a
background in behavior, she justkind of Would talk to god when

(01:31:31):
she didn't know what else to do.
She couldn't threaten us likethose threats were not working,
like the discipline was notworking.
I know that's something thatshe used.
It it really is a replacementbehavior to help you kind of
ground and center yourself.
Um, you mentioned not lettingthe moment ruin the day.

(01:31:53):
So that was a moment.
It has passed.
What other good things happenedThroughout the day so that they
aren't overshadowed?
Um, you mentioned when you arecoaching and talking to other
parents, you focus on the endgoal and keep your eye on the
prize, and I think that'simportant.

(01:32:14):
That's something Even mepersonally.
You can get consumed, and Iknow from experience.
Yeah, you can get consumed withThings that happen, because life
happens Constantly.
Back to back to back is justyou know, sometimes we go
through seasons where we're justgetting slammed With challenges

(01:32:34):
and we don't get a minute tobreathe.
So yeah, keeping that eye onthe prize really helps.
Um, you said don't let thingslinger.
I love that because you know ithappened.
We just got to keep movingforward.
How?
How do we want to move forwardUm letting the kids make their

(01:32:54):
own choices?
That is huge because, as Moms,when we are yeah, but when we
let go, it's like you let go andyou open yourself up to Doing
other things.

Speaker 2 (01:33:10):
So I feel like you realize that, oh, my teaching
was effective.
Yeah, and that's really theonly way you can try to see if
it works.

Speaker 1 (01:33:21):
Yeah, yeah, it is like a trial and error, yeah you
definitely have to see like,okay, it's almost like putting
your parenting to the test,right?
So I've, I've taught you thismuch, all right now.
I'm gonna let you go a littlebit and and see how you do.
And I think for me that was oneof the strategies that I tried,

(01:33:44):
without even Really knowing it,and that's what really kind of
opened up my schedule a littlebit more.
To Take that yoga class that Ihad been talking about for a
year, because, guess what I'm,I'm not going to help you as
much.
You don't need me over yourshoulder.

Speaker 2 (01:34:02):
Constantly.
They won't.
They actually want to have alittle bit of freedom.
Yeah, they do.

Speaker 1 (01:34:06):
Yep, and so they rise to the occasion.

Speaker 2 (01:34:10):
Yeah and when I learned that.

Speaker 1 (01:34:12):
Yeah, but when I learned to let go, guess what?
Now I get to go to yoga.
I should have let go a longtime ago.

Speaker 2 (01:34:22):
Right now I'm like what else can?

Speaker 1 (01:34:24):
I let go of.
Can you drive yourself toschool like?

Speaker 2 (01:34:29):
Yeah, let's let go.

Speaker 1 (01:34:32):
Let's really let go.
What else can we let go of?
But I think that's beautifulthat you have have dropped all
of these gyms and the one, Ithink Message that keeps coming
up and you've said it over andover you say, you know, you ask
yourself this, you ask your kidsthis is, how can you fix it?

(01:34:54):
And that's pretty much the thewhole premise around shitty moms
, like, yeah, we have thesebehaviors, but what can we do to
make it better?
You know, we joke about it.
It sounds funny and I alwaystell people hey, for shitty moms
it's a misnomer like we are nottalking about moms who are

(01:35:16):
negligent or anything like that.
We're Really describing momswith high standards who put a
lot of pressure on themselves toBe the best, be there for their
, their kids, constantly, wherethe millions of hats that moms
have to wear Do every singlething perfectly or, you know, to

(01:35:39):
that perfect standard.
And that's what makes this jobas a mom Overwhelming, because
you can't do everything.
Yeah, you, you will run yourselfDown to the ground and, like
you said, you have to do thatself-care and self-care.
It's gonna look different.

(01:36:00):
Um, I really feel Right.
I feel like I recently became abehavior analyst.
So with that, you know, you geta little more flexibility, a
little more freedom.
The the income is better.
So really I went from you knowthat struggling teacher income
to you know now I can actuallyhave A decent way to support my

(01:36:25):
family, right, and have a betterquality of life, and that
really was the motivation.
But I don't want tooversimplify what self-care
looks like, because as a teacher, um, that self-care looked
totally different, right, uh,because just the finances were
not there to do certain things.

(01:36:48):
So Self-care, you're gonna haveto define it based on really
what you can afford and I thinka lot of the time your resources
.
Yeah, I feel like those are likethe key components that
sometimes You're gonna miss onsocial media when they're
advertising or in the blogs whenthey're telling you that women

(01:37:08):
need self-care.
Sometimes I read those thingsand I'm like, well, this doesn't
apply to me.

Speaker 2 (01:37:13):
And I can remember going through those articles
like nope, can't do that, nopecan't do that that's too busy,
but one of the things I'm gonnatake from this experience with
you Um, you mentioned early onin the podcast about Moms
calling upon other moms.
You know, go take a walk.
Um, I think that's so important.

(01:37:34):
I don't do enough of thatbecause it feels burdensome,
right.

Speaker 1 (01:37:38):
Gotcha.

Speaker 2 (01:37:39):
And so sometimes we don't want to, we don't want to
feel like a burden to others andwe want to look like oh, it's
all together, I'm all together,everything's fine, everything's
good right.
But I think we do need to leanon each other more and to say,
hey, I just I need, you know, toget out and I need to take a
walk.
Do you want to come walk withme?

(01:37:59):
Yeah, I think that's that'sreally important, and so I know
when I leave here with you,that's gonna be in the back of
my mind Like you need to do thatmore.
You don't do that.

Speaker 1 (01:38:09):
Good, I'm glad you're leaving with some gyms too.

Speaker 2 (01:38:12):
That's what this is all about First do it.

Speaker 1 (01:38:14):
Just sharing what works, like we all know.
I feel like we all we can do alaundry list of things that's
not working right, but whatthings out there, what are you
doing and and what's workingRight?
We need to hear more dialogueabout those things and just
really share those moments withother moms so they can hear

(01:38:39):
something and and maybe trysomething that they've heard.
And that's really why we'rehere to kind of create that
Support group that says, hey, Ican identify, I hear you, I went
through the same thing and thisis how I got through it.
So thank you so much forJoining us today.

(01:38:59):
And if any of our listeners, ifany of our listeners wanted to
get in touch with you To reachout to you of something that
they heard today reallyresonated with them, how can
they get in touch with you?

Speaker 2 (01:39:13):
So my business idea on instagram is aspects, that's
aspects underscore.
Aba, we're on instagram andfacebook, so you can reach me
there and you can reach mepersonally at the bless chick
underscore Ever.

(01:39:33):
That is, the B?
L e s?
T chick underscore ever.
This has been so fun.

Speaker 1 (01:39:41):
Thank you so much for joining.
Hey everyone, it's yourfavorite bcb ad here, dr Doloran
, and I'm here to ask you tohelp us Continue making great
content for listeners everywhereby visiting www.4shittymomscom,
where you can make a monthlycontribution.
Also visit us on instagram,youtube, facebook and tick tock

(01:40:08):
At 4 shitty moms and that'sshitty with a next, not an I.

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