EP 4: Imperfections, Victories, Motherhood, Marriage and Nursing: Cynthia's Inspiring Story

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
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(00:20):
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(00:43):
It's time to put the kids tobed, so y'all get ready for
another episode of For ShittyMoms.
Alright, everyone, welcome toanother episode of FSM.
I'm your host, deloren, andtoday we have a special guest by

(01:05):
the name of Cynthia.
Now, this is a little different.
Cynthia was given herinformation was given to me
through a mutual friend who waslike oh my gosh, I love this
show, you just have to interviewher.
She has such an amazing story.
So once Cynthia agreed to dothe show, we got in touch with

(01:28):
each other and the rest ishistory.
So, everyone, I want to goahead and hand things over to
Cynthia.
It's so nice to meet you.
Thank you again for doing thisshow and I'm going to pass it
over to you and let youintroduce yourself to myself and
the listeners.

Speaker 2 (01:49):
Alright, thank you.
Thank you, I'm glad to be hereand it is an honor.

Speaker 1 (01:53):
So I'm Cynthia and Okay, so tell me your name is
Cynthia, Okay tell me your ageand where you're from.

Speaker 2 (02:09):
Let's start there, Okay so my name is Cynthia.
I'm 36 years old.
I was born and raised in Miami.
In my teen years I did move toBroward and I have been here
ever since, so I am a proudBroward County resident.

Speaker 1 (02:25):
Okay, and tell me about your family size and
marital status.

Speaker 2 (02:31):
So I am, I'm married, and this year it will be 13
years.
Oh wow, congratulations andthank you.
And we have three girls, okayAn 11 year old, a 9 year old and
a 6 year old, and a baby on theway.
So our hands have been full,but I wouldn't have won it any
other way.

Speaker 1 (02:52):
Oh, wow, congratulations.
Thank you and all girls.

Speaker 2 (02:57):
All girls oh wow, okay.

Speaker 1 (02:59):
So what is that like being a girl mom?

Speaker 2 (03:04):
Being a girl mom.
I mean, it's always on divamode here, always, always it's
heels and hair and nails andmakeup.
And now, with my 11 year old inmiddle school, it's you know
how we have to have that woman.
You know that woman to womantalk, where we have menstrual,

(03:26):
we're talking about boys, we'retalking about the birds and the
bees.
So having three girls withthree different personalities is
a big task.
But girls are so fun at thesame time.
Okay, just dressing them up andgirls are really fun.
But three differentpersonalities girl personalities

(03:48):
you already know that could bea reality show in itself.
Okay, sure, I won't besurprised if they have their
reality show, because there'slove and war in this house, okay
.
And at the end of the day, theylove each other.
They do depend on each otherand they love knowing that they
have sisters to rely on.
And it's getting to the pointwhere it's not.
They're not just going to mommyanymore, they're going to their

(04:09):
sisters for guidance and I loveseeing that.

Speaker 1 (04:11):
Good, okay.
So are you hoping for a boy, or?

Speaker 2 (04:15):
do you not care?
No, you can answer that.
No, you know you can answerthat.
Come on, anybody, anybody,would guess that, yes, we're
hoping for a boy.
Okay, I'm not sure.
Doctors aren't 100% sure yet.
So, everyone listening, please,please, go ahead and pray, okay
, pray and agree for this boy.

(04:36):
But you know what?
I don't want to seem like I'mnot grateful.
So if it is a girl, then it iswhat it is.
We'll just be that girl family.
Right, I'm just happy.

Speaker 1 (04:45):
Okay, that's awesome.
Congratulations again, Thankyou and definitely keep us
posted.
I would love to follow up andsee how things are going.
Thank you, so tell us aboutyour occupation and how does
that work, or how do you make itfit being a mom of multiples
already being a parent ischallenging.

(05:05):
Being a mom is more work, andthen you have three.
So how do you manage that as aworking mom?
Give us some insight.

Speaker 2 (05:14):
Okay.
So working mom almost came rightwith the package after I got
married.
Okay.
So as soon as we got married,three months later, we found out
I'm pregnant.
So forget all the Instagramposts of my husband, me and my
husband traveling here and thereand all of that went through
the door.
We're ready.
First year marriage, we wereready, you know.

(05:35):
Getting the baby room ready, itwas just, it was a reality.
Okay, and just having to knowthat I have to work consistently
to make sure I'm able to takecare of my family, that was so.
I've been a nurse.
First of all, I'm a nurse andI've been a nurse for it's going

(05:58):
on to see 2008.
Let me see if I'm pregnant.
So if I don't get my math right, I'm excused.
Okay, so 2008,.
Well, about almost 15 years.
So I have been a nurse even so.
It's funny, people laugh at mebecause they say I've gotten a
degree with every baby that Ihad.
Okay, so with my first, I didgraduate as an RN.

(06:23):
Okay, I did study working as anLPN, a licensed practical nurse
, before I even got married.
Okay, but while pregnant, Igraduated as a registered nurse.
I did start in school nursingbecause school nursing and home
care, because I wanted to allowthat time to be able to, you

(06:43):
know, to just have decent hoursstress.
I don't know if you know, buthospital jobs are not
necessarily the best out there,especially when you're carrying
and you're pregnant.
So I started school nursingthen and then, with my second, I
went back to school, whileworking full time, like I said,

(07:07):
also at school nursing, workingMonday through Friday, having
weekends off.
I still wanted time with myhusband, I still wanted time
with my with, you know, my babyat the time.
And then here goes the secondround I'm still working as a
nurse, still Monday throughFriday, weekends off, going to
school.

(07:28):
That wasn't easy, going toschool in the evenings and
graduated with my bachelor's andthen gave birth to my second
child.
And after that I did want topursue another field.
I went into.
I went into nursing home care.
Okay, and that was a wake upcall, because now I have two

(07:49):
kids at home and they're tellingme my shift is eight hours.
But here we are, I'm looking atmy watch, I'm like it's been 12
hours and I'm still not home.
Oh, wow, and every day younever know what time you're
going home.
And then I had an infant athome.
So you know that that was a lotof a lot of stress, not not the

(08:10):
job per se, because a lot ofpeople think, you know, people
don't do the job because theycan't do the job, but there's
other sacrifices that people arewilling to take and at that
time it was my family, okay.
So at that time I found myselfgoing back to school, school
nursing, because, like I said,you know we get your holidays
off Monday through Friday.
So I gladly did that, went backto school, got my master's oh

(08:36):
wow, my third child, okay, withmy master's.
And then now I just graduatedwith another master's what?
I'm a nurse practitioner now,and then that's when I found out
I'm having a baby.
So working pretty much, I wouldsay I sacrificed a lot because

(08:56):
as a nurse there are manyoptions out there and there are
great options where you couldget paid quite a bit, and that
wasn't the route I went becausethat was not what worked for my
family.
So a lot of people at the timeespecially you know other
friends I had a nursing theydidn't quite understand.
They were like you could workhere, you could work at this
hospital, you could get thistype of money, you could do

(09:19):
travel nursing, especially whenCOVID came around.
You're right, you could dotravel nursing, get 10,000 in
one week.
And I was that one.
I would.
I would sacrifice all thatdidn't mean nothing to me.
I wanted to be with my familybecause I knew when the time
came I'll be there.
So was it easy doing all of thatworking, school and parenting?

(09:40):
No, what works is having a goodsupport system.
Okay, I do have friends thatsay, well, you got a husband,
you good.
And I tell them, no, that's notnecessarily the case.
Yes, yes, he gets a lot ofcredit.
But for my single moms outthere, I encourage that they
have support.
They have family, close friends.

(10:01):
Everyone can build their ownsupport system and I think
that's what it takes.
It takes a village, to behonest.
So I can't take credit for allof this for myself and I always
give credit to God becausepeople are like how you do it
and I'm like sometimes I don'tknow how I do it.
Ok, people sometimes have totell me what I did and I look
back on life and I'm like you'reright, how did I do that?

(10:24):
How am I not bald yet?
How come, like you know, Idon't have gray hair by now and
all I could do is like it mustbe God, because I kept the faith
through it all.

Speaker 1 (10:35):
OK, but.

Speaker 2 (10:36):
I know that was a long answer.

Speaker 1 (10:37):
You know that's amazing, though that's amazing,
I love to hear it and I want toclarify for the listeners and
correct me if I'm wrong.
If you, since you're referringto school nursing, like you are
the school nurse, is that whatyou're referring to?

Speaker 2 (10:53):
Yeah, so I was a school nurse for a few years, ok
, and then eight years ago I was, I was in school health like
admin, ok, gotcha First thing.
So I was, I was in the officeand it wasn't so much hands on,
it was more visiting schools,making sure policies, procedures

(11:13):
are being done, review andreport.
So it was more admin, and thatthat was even even better.
Ok.
So, and right now, even in myposition now, it will be
strictly admin as far as schoolhealth.

Speaker 1 (11:27):
OK, that's awesome.
And one thing I like about theshow every time I speak to a
different mom I feel like theyare exposing us as like a
listener, as a following.
They always expose us to like anew field and I love that
because we one of my questionslike I usually follow a list of

(11:49):
interview questions is I followit loosely but I always ask if
the field that they're in is itmommy friendly or not.
So I love that you are exposingour listeners to another area
of nursing that probably mostdon't really know about.

(12:11):
It's not really something thatI thought about.
When I think about nursing, Ithink about the hospital, my
older sister.
She's a nurse practitioner butshe works in that hospital
setting and just having dailyconversations with her, she
screens people.
She works at a cancer instituteso they only focus on like

(12:33):
oncology and cancer patients andeven with her schedule she,
like you said, you may be setfor those 40 hours a week, but
guess what?

Speaker 2 (12:45):
You had a patient running late.

Speaker 1 (12:47):
You.
Something came up unexpectedand you have to see it through.
And you're waiting on paperwork.
You're waiting to clearsomebody for surgery, you're
checking vitals.
Anything can happen when youhave patients depending on you
and you can't just clock out andgo home.
So I like that.
You are highlighting the factthat you prioritize your family

(13:09):
and that's why you are in yourfield of choice to where you
have that set schedule and whenyou're off you're off.
When it's time to go, it's timeto hang it up and put on that
mommy hat.
So that's going to help a lotof listeners who may be
considering.
I know a lot of my friends noware considering nursing and

(13:30):
going to school to pursue that.
But I always wonder even myfriends who are currently in
nursing school I see a lot ofthem are doing the travel
nursing.
I know that became very popularvery quickly with COVID and
it's almost like man.
I wonder how they're makingthat work because they have a

(13:50):
little one at home, they havemultiple children at home and
they're still doing the travelnursing.
So they're probably making somesacrifices with that quality
time.
And you weren't willing tosacrifice your quality time.
That's what it sounds like tome.
So you really prioritize thatfamily time.
So I love that you're givingmore details, because maybe

(14:14):
someone that's consideringnursing school or somebody
that's already a nurse may nothave thought about hmm, maybe I
can do school health and thatway I can have that set schedule
and still have that qualitytime with family.
So thank, you for like giving ussome insight, because, of
course, I didn't really knowabout that either.

(14:37):
So, besides parenting andworking, are you able to have
any hobbies of your own outsideof that area?

Speaker 2 (14:51):
So any hobbies that I have now include my children
and I have not necessarilypicked up a skill that I'm out
there mastering or anything likethat.
What I consider a hobby is justgetting out, having fun doing
something different.
So it's not the typical.
You know, I go out and dotennis, I go out and do that.

(15:11):
I wish I could say that and I'mgoing to get there one day.
I'm still still trying to learnlife work balance.
It doesn't stop, even after 11years, after my oldest.
It doesn't stop you.
You always learn different waysto have that life work balance.
So I do want to pick up a hobbyeventually, but no, I'm.
We just find ourselves trying todo fun family things maybe go

(15:36):
to the movies, maybe go to thepark, go out, get some ice cream
, go to the beach, go to thepool, just do that.
And then after that the onlytime we're out to is church.
So it's pretty much church orfamily time.
And then I try to incorporatesome date, some date nights,
because it's easy to fall,especially with three kids.

(15:59):
It's so easy to fall into justmommy mode.
You know, 24, seven, and tohave a successful family you
have to get into that wifey modeand that's probably how we got
into the four child.
But I'll leave that alone.

Speaker 1 (16:14):
But that is important and I think the the older I get
, my husband and I we've beentogether for 12 years.
We're coming up on our sevenyear wedding anniversary next
year, and I think I'm juststarting to learn how to take

(16:36):
that mom hat off and prioritizeus as, like, a couple without
the mom hat, without theresponsibilities of OK, what do
we need to tackle, what do weneed to do?
And it does take a lot ofplanning, a lot of effort and a
lot of thought to not just getcaught up in that that daily

(16:59):
routine which turns into theweekly routine, which turns into
that monthly routine, and,before you know it, a year has
gone by and it's like have wetaken a break?
Have we taken a breather?
No, exactly Get hit with lifeand you have to just roll with
the punches sometime.
So what does that look like?
Does your village kind of pitchin?

(17:23):
Because I know childcare is Icall it a luxury right now.
And then you have three.
So how do you find like thechildcare to secure?

Speaker 2 (17:34):
something like a day Village.
I don't think we've ever hireda babysitter, only because I'm
just, you know a little, youknow sketchy, if anything.
We've got in contact with maybefamily friends who have teenage
daughters and I would pay them.
So in a way, yes, you can seethat as a babysitter, but
someone who I knew.
At the end of the day, butdefinitely between our parents,

(17:59):
they understand, and it's neverto the point on, you know, I
just thank God for them.
It's never to the point wherewe're begging them.
Okay, it's almost like, hey,you didn't call me this month,
did you and your hubby go out?
Yeah, they know, because theyknow that.
That's why we're so happy,Actually look forward to it.
So I wonder they probably don'tbe like, oh Lord, if they break

(18:19):
up and with these three kidsit's going to be too much.
So they're probably trying tomake us stay together.
I'm fine, I love that, but yeah, I don't even.
It's to the point where it'snot us asking anymore.
It's more of like let's,they've already incorporated
into their schedule.
So it's just a matter of uschoosing which, which day and

(18:39):
time, and so that's just thelittle date nights here and
there.
What I find is the struggle isan actual go away trip.
Okay, once again, I love mybabies and I'm like, I'm one of
those after the first night I'mlike I wonder how they doing, I
wonder how this and my husband'slike, can you just, you know,
and I'm calling, I'm texting,and I'm one of those mommies and

(19:03):
I know I have to do better, butit's hard to let them go and at
the same time, yes, you couldhave a good village and they may
be, you know, available for aday, a few hours, but when I,
when you're asking for threekids for several days, right,
that could get a little hectic.
We did that before and when Itold you it took me about a week
just to do it.

(19:24):
Itinerary, oh, okay, thisauntie is going to come over and
pick up at 9 am and then hereare their clothes, and then now
grandma going to come on thenext day.
It was a lot, so it's actuallymore stressful to get away, okay
, but we're going to work onthat, especially as they get
older and now we have a babycoming.

(19:45):
So I was like we're startingall over again, right, but when
there's a will, there's a way,right.
What we did recently we went toJamaica.
We took the family and whathelps is when you bring another
adult along, right, because thenyou have that opportunity or
even, like on a cruise ship, weput them in on the child on site

(20:07):
childcare.
Okay, until two, three in themorning, and we just had, you
know, yeah, we were on theisland enjoying ourselves, while
they, you know, were beingbabysat.
So there are ways around,especially those moms.
I know there's moms out there.
I have some friends.
They don't think twice.
They're dropping them off, theyknow itinerary or nothing.

(20:28):
They say here you go.
They got two sets of clothes.
Make it work Right Now.
See, I do.

Speaker 1 (20:33):
Oh, sorry Go ahead, go ahead.

Speaker 2 (20:35):
No, no, no, that's.
You know, I'm going to getthere one day, probably when I
get tired of them.
But, um, but, yeah, that's,that's.
That's pretty much.
That's pretty much it.
We try to find some time hereand there, okay, I was going to
say.

Speaker 1 (20:49):
I have a friend who, whenever she goes out, what she
has started to do is have herfamily members just come to her
house.
Is so much easier for them tostay there.
Correct?
Her kids are older, so it'sjust like leave them in their
element.
Yeah, comfort zone.
We went grocery shopping hereSome extra money.

(21:11):
Yeah, don't go anywhere andwe'll see you when we get back.

Speaker 2 (21:14):
Correct, so there, and that's what we do here too,
and only cause my parents, ourparents they're like don't bring
them over here to mess up myhouse that we come into you.

Speaker 1 (21:25):
That is always a concern of mine.
If the, the house of the familymember is not childproof, just
let's just do it over here.
I don't have stuff that's thatcan be broken or anything like
that Just do everything overhere, because I don't want to go
over there and break up yourstuff and have accidents and all
that stuff.

(21:46):
So I totally hear you.
And then just a tidbit.
So my husband and I we startedgoing, we started doing like our
date nights and things likethat, I'll say within the last
three years, and we started withour anniversary and I ended up
coming up with a game, because Ithought I would be that mom,

(22:06):
like what is he doing?
Where is he?
But I finally had an epiphanylike this is nice, I can relax,
I don't have to keep like it'stoo quiet.
What's going on?
Is everything okay?
You need something.
What you doing, when you going,what's that noise Like?
It was just nice to relax and Iended up.

(22:28):
I ended up enjoying that likeone on one time with just me and
my husband.
I.
I feel like I enjoyed it morethan he did.
So then the tables kind ofturned and he's like did you
even check in on our son?
Like I wonder what he's doing?
Oh, he would love this.
Oh, we got to come back.

Speaker 2 (22:48):
Oh, if he was here he would have a blast.

Speaker 1 (22:51):
So I came up with a game and it's like whoever
brings up our son or mentionshim on like our date night or a
one-on-one trip like up, you gotto take a shot, oh boy, every
time you mention his, his nameor what he's doing up.
You said it, take a shot up.

Speaker 2 (23:10):
Oh boy, so somebody coming home drunk Right?

Speaker 1 (23:16):
So I just kind of find it ironic, because it is
hard to let the reins go andthen, when you do, is like, oh,
we need to do this more often.
It's really nice to recharge,so that's awesome that you have
a support system in place tohelp you do that.
So I want to get back to justthe listeners, because I'm

(23:40):
getting to know you along withthe listeners as the show goes
on.
So how would you describeyourself as a mom?

Speaker 2 (23:50):
So they say I'm mean, but then yet they think I'm the
best mom.
So I'm trying to reallyunderstand how they really view
me.
But me personally, I think Ithink I'm a great mom, but I
find flaws in me.
Okay that they have me notice,if that makes sense.

(24:11):
They or my husband helps me.
It's never one where I'mrealizing oh you know, maybe I
should, you know, talk this wayor talk that way is more of them
saying mommy, why do you?
Why do you scream at us whenyou know you're upset?
Or mommy, why do you findyourself doing this?
Or you know, mommy, it'll bebetter if you do it this way.

(24:32):
And so when I hear those,that's when I it hits me.
I'm like dang, I don't feellike that best mom anymore.
But what makes a mama good momis not necessarily your flaws.
It's what do you do to changeonce you hear what's wrong?
Because there's moms Iliterally tell them stop cussing

(24:53):
your children out, telling themthey're nothing, even though
you're upset, and you say thatyou know, stop telling them that
.
And they just choose not to dothat because that's just how
they grew up, right?
So that's the difference.
Or you could choose to hearwhat they're saying go about it
and find ways to change.
And and I've done that, I'vedone that before, and what I

(25:15):
would say, especially with myoldest.
She said, mommy, I see thedifference, I see the difference
.
I see that you or they see thatI may want to yell and I'll
just stop and I'll just woo, saw.
And she said, mommy, you'redoing good.
And I said, yes, baby, I'm, I'mlistening, I'm trying to do
better.
And what I found helps withthat too is therapy.

(25:37):
Ok, I'm going to be honest,like being married for 13 years,
that alone, ok, you get credit.
Because marriage isn't, isn't,isn't easy, yes, so when you add
three kids, you, you got tocheck yourself mentally.
So even therapy sessions I'vedone in the past has helped,
because whatever I've gonethrough in the past or past

(25:59):
hurts.
I don't want that to get on mykids.
So I know I'm not a perfect mom,but I know I'm a great mom
because of what I'm willing todo.
I'm always willing to learn newthings.
I'm always willing to to loveon them, to teach them how to be
a lady, to to just teach themwhat I didn't know.

(26:22):
Ok, I'm growing up.
And just continue to show themlove and every good trait that I
have shown them is showing outnow in them.
So that makes me feel like I'mOK.
I think I'm doing a good job.
But as a mom, I think I'm fun.
Ok, half the time they couldnever take me seriously.

(26:44):
I'm you playing too much?
I'm just that mom, I'm the, I'mthe kissy Lovey-dovey.
Come here, baby.
They can never say I've neversaid I love you, don't any day.
I mean it's.
I'm that type of mom and yeah.
So I think I'm a great mom.

Speaker 1 (27:02):
Yeah, I have a balance, but I think I am, and
that's the premise behind thename for shitty moms, because we
do have those moments where weacknowledge our shortcomings.
So when I look at the spellinglike shitty with an X instead of

(27:22):
an I, I feel like there is adifference.
You know, the shitty moms thatwe're talking about, we're
talking about the ones who areactively working towards
improving something.
You know, no mom is perfect.
We acknowledge our flaws, butsometimes acknowledging your
flaws that's not enough.

(27:44):
Okay, you know there'ssomething that needs improvement
.
What are you going to do now?
What's the next step?
We know these things need to befixed.
We know these things are ourproblems or can potentially lead
to problems that we don't want.
So what are you?
How are you going to going toactively work towards resolving

(28:08):
that issue or preventing aproblem from happening?
And I like to explain to people, because you know everything is
up for someone'smisinterpretation.
You know, once you putsomething out there on the
internet, you give it a name.
It's up for anyone'sinterpretation.

(28:29):
And I had a little hesitationwith the name because I didn't
want it to seem like I wasencouraging negligent moms.
Right, we can joke about it,but I think we're able to joke
about some of our behaviorsbecause we do so many other
things to not make up for it,but to make sure we are meeting

(28:55):
the needs of our childrenmentally, physically,
emotionally.
We try to cover all those basesand sometimes that's the part
that becomes overwhelming.
You cannot meet all of theirneeds all of the time and
typically the moms who genuinelycare about it those are the

(29:16):
ones who start to beatthemselves up about that
shortcoming.
It may not be a deal breakerwith their children, it may not
derail their child's lives, butbecause we set the bar so high,
it's really discouraging andsometimes devastating when you
don't meet your own expectations.

(29:37):
So I always try to clarify andexplain to people.
I am not in any way, shape,form or fashion, trying to
encourage any parent to benegligent or abusive or anything
like that and making light ofit.
That's not it at all.
I also encourage moms like,look, if you do have some of

(29:59):
those tendencies going on, youshould definitely seek, like you
said, therapy.
It helps, it even helps me.
I said I'll say with theyelling I have the tendency to
be a yeller after.
I've told you one time like thatbehavior therapist goes out the
window.
Because when I come home, guesswhat?

(30:19):
That therapist hat is off.
And I consciously take thattherapist hat off because I know
with my son and in ourhousehold I do go above and
beyond and I go the extra mileto make sure I've communicated
my expectations.
Now I am learning how to shapemy own behavior because what I

(30:44):
think is you know, I look at itas I'm giving you my
expectations, I'm giving you thedetails of what I need you to
do as my child, and if you don'tmeet those expectations, we're
going to have a problem, there'sgoing to be a consequence.
So in my mind I think I'm goingabove and beyond to explain

(31:05):
what the expectations are.
But it may not always translatethat way to my 10 year old,
right.
So now we have some discourse.
You know he's kind of tuned out.
He doesn't even remember thefirst expectation, let alone the
last thing that I told him todo and I'm sure to him it seems

(31:25):
like out of the blue.
Now she's screaming for noreason.
So after a couple of thoseincidents I'm like, okay, I
don't like this about myself,right, as a mom, I don't want to
be that yeller, I don't want tobe that screamer.
But I know I'm yelling becauseI, in my mind, I've showed you,

(31:47):
I've told you, I've helped you,I did, I'm going to do half, you
do half.
Okay, now you try.
Okay, now your turn.
Okay now you should be able todo this whole thing.
But what I learned is for himtoo much information, too many
steps, and he's checked outright.
So I have to go back and shapemy own behavior, to kind of

(32:12):
tweak it to his needs.
So in learning that, you knowafter so many instances of,
let's say, the morning routineand if you follow me on social
media, I make jokes about it allthe time but that morning
routine drives me insane.
I have a 10 year old.
I feel like we've been doingthis for, let's say, seven years

(32:36):
.
We've been doing the sameroutine for seven years.
He will wake up tomorrow andact like what am I supposed to
do?
Like he's never done it before,and it drives me insane.
But that was one of the thingswhere I'm like oh, I don't like
being this person yelling in themorning, getting frustrated,
and not only that, I don't wantto ruin his day before he has a

(32:58):
chance for it to start.
So that was one of the things Ihad to actively just tell
myself like take a breather, donot go in there, don't start
barking orders at him.

Speaker 2 (33:11):
Let him figure it out , right?

Speaker 1 (33:13):
Yeah, so he has like a chart the behavior therapist.
I had to put that hat on and dowhat we call.
We call it antecedentstrategies, right, but really,
we're trying to set our kids upfor success.
Here are your clothes for theweek.
This is where your shoes go.
I even made like a chart hereon all the pictures of

(33:36):
everything that you need to doin the morning and I even
separate, I categorize the steps.
This is the stuff you doupstairs before you come
downstairs to eat have thesethings done.
When you get downstairs, beforeyou walk out the door, do these
things and we'll be fine, likeyou got these things first,

(33:57):
these things last, and we canwalk out the door and somehow
you'll just see him somewhereand it's going up and down the
stairs, up and down the stairs,and I'm like, okay, so you know,
with that routine, me againchecking myself he hasn't met
these expectations.

Speaker 2 (34:17):
You know what?

Speaker 1 (34:19):
Maybe I'm telling him too much.
So I kind of backed off andjust shifted my what I call
checking in and.
I'll just say, like his nickname, I call him Poppy sometimes.
So I'm like Poppy.
You good Poppy, what we workingon.
If he can tell me what he'sdoing, I'm okay, because maybe

(34:40):
he's not doing it in my order.
Something may make sense to him.
So giving him that leeway tokind of figure out what makes
sense to him in the morning.
As long as you end up dressed,your hair is done, your face is
clean, you have on shoes andsocks and clean clothes, I'm
okay.

(35:00):
So I've had to kind of shape mybehavior in that way of just
changing my expectations,tweaking my expectations just a
little.
I'm not lowering them, but I'mchanging what that looks like so
that I don't have to be thatscreamer, that screaming mom
First thing in the morning everysingle day.

(35:22):
So it takes a lot when we talkabout four shitty moms.
It takes a lot of firstself-awareness to even be able
to identify something that youneed to improve.
And I think that only comesfrom people who are humble and

(35:48):
people who are understandingthat you know what I can do
something better.
And that's the whole purpose ofthe show, because maybe someone
listening may have the samestruggle and challenge that
you're having right now and justlistening to how you're working
through it, even if you haven'tfound the perfect solution for

(36:10):
it.
I don't want people to think,oh, I'm going to listen to this
show and it's going to teach mehow to be a better parent.
Sometimes I don't have theanswers and it's really trial
and error.
So that's the whole premise ofthe show and I just feel like,
even though this is our firsttime talking, you're like
hitting everything right on thehead with that's the point.

(36:33):
So thank you so much for theinsight.

Speaker 2 (36:36):
When I was telling my husband about the show.

Speaker 1 (36:38):
He's like I don't know like that name, but I'm
like, no, this is.
I'm telling you.
All moms can identify withthose feelings.
But you know, you do have somewho just you.
They can't pick one thing thatthey could do better.
They don't see anything wrongwith what they do and and you

(36:58):
have people like that and theymay be phenomenal moms across
the board and kudos to you.
But I always tell people likethis is the show for that less
than perfect mom who understandsthat, okay, I may be the mom of
a young adult and I still havesome learning to do, so it's,
it's for all moms.
So, with that being said, whatdo you think your, let's say,

(37:24):
three biggest challenges areright now as a mom?

Speaker 2 (37:30):
As a mom with three kids, the challenge is taking
the time to nurture each onealone.
Oh, okay, that's a challengebecause, like I said, each one
has their own personality, eachone has their own learning
strategies, each one has theirown emotional issues.

(37:54):
So if we're always together asa family, it's hard to address
each one.
And what I found is my, what Ido is every.
I try to do it more than everymonth, but every month I will
have a girl, mommy, girl date,okay, and my husband tries to do
the same with just one of themat a time.

(38:14):
That's important.
And when I do that, oh my God,the stuff they express,
especially the oldest one.
She's able to say, mommy, theseboys tried to talk to me, or
mommy, are my breasts supposedto be like that?
Like you get a whole differentconversation that she
necessarily doesn't want to talkabout with her little sisters,
or daddy.

(38:34):
And my middle one, just youknow, she just loves the
attention.
You already know how, what theysay about the middle child.
So when, when I go out with her, she's just all over me because
she just loves that.
She gets to have me to herself.
And then, you know, in thelittle one, you know, she's
still learning because she'sstill asked for her sisters.
I said, girl, you're going toappreciate this alone time when

(38:56):
you get older.
Okay, after a while, you're notgoing to miss them.
So I find that to be a struggle.
Another thing is working fulltime.
Coming home, like today, youknow, just dinner, homework,
this, this one got a project.

(39:17):
One area that I have not seen toto get really through is the,
the extracurricular activities.
Okay, I wish, I want to be agymnastics mom, I want to be a
soccer mom, I want to do all ofthis.
But being in school for thelast, oh my God, I felt like
I've been in school nonstop forall these years.

(39:40):
And finally, you know,graduating, taking a breather
since May.
Now I've dedicated.
I say you know what I got tomake time, I got to make
financial strides to do what Igot to do to put them in
extracurricular activities,because I felt like I neglected
that.
You know, I look at all theseposts and I see my friends with

(40:01):
their kids on gymnastics, thesoccer, the football is so cute
and I'm like that's what my kidssupposed to be doing and I felt
like we haven't had the time.
So that's one area.
I, you know I struggle in as amom, but that that'll get better
.
But you know, once again, withthree of them, when all of them
want to go to one wants to dosoccer, one wants to do music

(40:23):
lessons, one wants to do danceall at five o'clock every day, I
don't know.
You know that that's, that'sthe next, you know hurdle to
jump over, but that's that's.
I think that's my secondstruggle.
My third, I would say as a momHmm, I know, I know one because

(40:48):
I talk about it every day.
I could be better.
Um, as a mom, you know what?
She just told me this today asa mom, I struggle with being
confident in front of my kids,believe it or not?
Oh, wow, okay, Because theythink I'm perfect and what I

(41:09):
keep doing is bringing up thethings that I'm not perfect into
them.
So my girls I mean, god blessthem, they're, they're, they're
like every day.
They're like mommy, you're sobeautiful, mommy, I just look at
your face, look at this.
And then here I am like look atmy face, look at these bumps,
you know, look at this gut, lookat this.

(41:29):
And they're the one like butmom, we don't, we're not looking
at that.
So I find myself being in youknow what?
I've learned what my husbandtold me.
I'm like that with other peoplebecause I never want people to
think that I'm, you know, thatI'm perfect.
But I struggle with that where,if they say something, I try to
like, make it look less than soI'm I'm once again, I'm doing

(41:52):
better with that.
Even today I she said something.
She said mommy, you look sobeautiful.
I said, but I don't have nomakeup on.
And I was like, oh my God, hereI go again.
I got to stop that.
So I, if, if I'm perfect intheir eyes and they love what
they see, I just have to justsay thank you, because if I keep

(42:14):
that trait going, then that'swhat they're going to do and
especially as a girl, I don'twant them in that mindset.
So I have I definitely know Ihave to to stop that.
But I do struggle with thatbecause I know I'm not perfect
and I don't want them to thinkI'm perfect.
But if that's what they thinkand how they think and there's
no other better mom and you know, no one looks better than mommy

(42:35):
and I'm over here looking atBeyonce pictures, like, but I
was like you know what if theythink I'm the best looking mom?
I'm just going to take that.
So I would say that's my thirdstruggle.

Speaker 1 (42:46):
That's amazing because that lets you know like
you're perfect in their eyes,like you're beautiful, you're
perfect.
That is amazing and I candefinitely identify with you
with that.
With my son, I kind of you knowtalking to him more Some days.

(43:07):
I've started to open up withhim a little bit more, just so
he understands.
Like he's getting older and Iknow that I'm actively working
towards my parenting when itcomes to him and how I respond
to certain things.
So just recently, maybe overthe summer, I started like, okay

(43:29):
, let me, let me give you someinsight.
When you do this, this is atrigger for me.
Okay, it makes me upset, and Istarted telling him you know
different things about mychildhood how.
I grew up and how I want betterfor him, and I just told him
like I really need you to workat these things, because I don't

(43:54):
want to be that, that yellingmom, right, because to me, in my
eyes, that's a bad mom and I'mtrying to be a better mom for
you.
I want to be the best mom foryou possible, but I'm not
perfect and I need you to meetme halfway If I have certain
expectations.
I'm never going to ask you todo something that's going to

(44:17):
hurt you.
I'm not going to ask you to doanything that's going to put you
in danger.
I'm always going to ask you todo things that are for your best
interests and I need you to atleast try, even if you can't do
it.
I need you to make an effort,because when I see that you're
not making an effort, whenyou're being dismissive, that

(44:38):
makes me upset.
This is important to me becauseI didn't have this when I was
your age.
So after that whole spiel, hegoes but mom, you're a good mom,
you're perfect to me, and I'mlike okay, go ahead, you can do
whatever you want now, right, Goget your Roblox money.

(45:05):
So it's awesome.
But then at the same time Ihearing that from him and he saw
that I was sad and he was likeno, like you cannot think that
you're a bad mom.
You are the best mom You're areally good mom You're caring
and he just went through thelist Like I can't believe.

(45:25):
You feel sad and you feel badand you like he was just like oh
my gosh, let me pour into yourbucket.
What is?

Speaker 2 (45:33):
going on.

Speaker 1 (45:35):
And I appreciated that because I love to see him
empathize right.

Speaker 2 (45:41):
But at the same time.

Speaker 1 (45:44):
It was one of those moments.
It almost scared me because Iwas like, oh my gosh, this is
how I was as a kid.
I didn't see my parents flawsright, I just thought they were
perfect.
And then, as I got older, Istarted to recognize those flaws
and it was like a gut check,like a reality, like, oh my gosh

(46:07):
, my mom isn't perfect.

Speaker 2 (46:09):
I didn't know what to do Like oh my gosh, my dad
isn't perfect.

Speaker 1 (46:14):
Like I was blown away and I really struggled as a
teenager because it's like mywhole world had been turned
upside down because in my eyesthey were perfect.
So I was like, oh my gosh, Ican't let him go through that,
like he thinks I'm perfect andthen I don't want him to resent

(46:34):
me later because he's going tofigure out I'm not perfect.
So I think the first time I usethis phrase me and my best
friend we've been best friendssince like kindergarten.
So my son is her son, her kidsare my kids, like they're always

(46:56):
at each other's house.
So my son has this thing if oneperson can come over, everybody
can come over, and if anybodyhas a problem, like my mom will
fix it, she will.
Let us do whatever we want todo.
If anybody has a problem, my momshe can fix it.
Just tell her.

Speaker 2 (47:16):
And I'm like wait a minute, guys.

Speaker 1 (47:18):
But my best friend.
I see her as the perfect mom.
She is always there emotionallyfor every single moment for her
kids Like they really open upto her and they just like.
She is that security blanketEven for my son.
She is that emotional spongefor them.

(47:38):
And when they come over to myhouse.
I'm like wait a minute, thisisn't your house Like this is my
house.
I'm not my best friend, she'slike the perfect mom.

Speaker 2 (47:50):
I'm the shitty mom, don't expect that over here I'm
not watching y'all, but if Ihear a glass break, everybody a
time out.

Speaker 1 (48:01):
Lower those expectations.
I'm the shitty mom.
Don't do that over here.
It's not the same Like my bestfriend is amazing with her kids
and with my son and I just don'tknow how she does it, but she's
always constantly pouring intothem and I'm just like if I
could get half of that.

(48:23):
I know my son would be okaybecause emotionally he would be
fine.
So, part of the show, not onlyam I putting together different
resources and strategies forother moms, but I take note
myself Some of the strategiesthat I hear.
I'm like, oh, that's a goodidea, that's a good plan, oh,

(48:46):
that's how that works.
And I feel like, even with mybackground in behavior therapy,
my experience with kids, it'snever too late to learn
something new.
So the challenges that youdescribe because this is a
behavior change podcast and whatthat means we talk about
motherhood, but we talk about itthrough a lens of behavior

(49:09):
therapy and behavior change andbasically the premise behind
behavior therapy is identifyingproblematic or target behaviors
and then coming up withdifferent strategies to change
them, replace them.
Maybe we can find somethingthat's the equivalent but a
little better, to give us thesame outcome, or maybe we need

(49:32):
to just learn somethingcompletely new to tackle those
challenges.
So thank you, and I just wantto point out, because sometimes
we don't give ourselves enoughcredit so something that you
listed as a challenge a longtime with each child.
You're already actively workingtowards changing that behavior

(49:55):
with your mommy, girl dates.
So, the mommy girl date,engaging in that behavior,
making sure you set that timeaside to do those things with
them.
That's what we call areplacement behavior.
So you're almost you're kind ofdoing the behavior therapy on
yourself, whether you realize itor not?
Like you've identified.

(50:16):
These are my challenges.
This is what I'm doing rightnow, and what you're doing right
now is working towards thosereplacement behaviors, and
typically the one thing thatkeeps us going back to using
those replacement behaviors,what makes it more automatic, is
that you're getting some typeof reinforcement from it, and by

(50:38):
reinforcement I mean some kindof reward.
You're getting something out ofit that's going to increase the
chances of you doing that alittle bit more in the future
and I'm just assuming gettingand seeing your girls really
open up to you during that oneon one time.
I know for me, if I was in thatsituation, that would be my

(51:00):
reinforcer.
Like you, know, what theyreally need.
This.
Let me keep it going.
Or it could be that you reallyenjoyed learning something new
about your girls that you didn'thave a chance to learn before,
so that could be your reinforceras well.
Working on the scheduling andthe extracurricular sometimes we

(51:24):
can't necessarily change ourenvironment at the time to have
those replacement behaviors.
Now you're in school right nowto be a nurse practitioner.
Is that what you were saying?

Speaker 2 (51:37):
No, I graduated in May.

Speaker 1 (51:38):
Okay, gotcha.
So do you have like anotherboard exam or something like
that.

Speaker 2 (51:43):
No, I passed my boards in June.
I'm done Like.
I'm done with school.
Okay, awesome.

Speaker 1 (51:48):
Okay, gotcha.
So right now, what's the goal?
I'm just curious for thescheduling and the
extracurricular.

Speaker 2 (51:57):
So the goal is to find at least one activity for
them.
I never neglected theirinterests.
Okay, so my middle one sheloves soccer.
So just because I couldn't puther on a team, I still got her a
soccer ball, took her to thestore.
She chose it.
We go to the park during ourfamily times.
We kick it around.

(52:18):
She goes in the backyard, doesthat?
The little one loves dance.
I get her.
There's a video game I forgot.
Well, you can learn to dancesand dance to it and get points,
things like that.
The oldest one she lovesreading and book club and
different activities.

(52:38):
So I still try to keep theirinterest going, because I never
want them to feel that I don'tsupport what they love.
So now, at this point, it'sjust trying to get them into
something.
So right now it's just reallyjust a matter of finding a good
team, checking out the expensesBecause, like I said, now I'm
hitting some expenses thatwasn't there.

(53:00):
So just balancing all of that.
And then, definitely, this is anew schedule change which I'm
ready to tackle on, because ifafter work I was willing to
study two, three hours, I shouldbe willing to sit in a park and
watch them.
For, whatever the case is Evenmy middle one.

(53:22):
She loves to sew.
I'm looking for someone to getsewing lessons and things like
that, so I'm definitely going todo it.
It's just a matter of balancingbudget.
It's still a conversation thatme and my husband have to sit
down, and it's a big change.
Good stuff, but it is a change.

(53:44):
It's not something I could justjump up and do.
I would love to say I could,but that's my plan right now is
just organizing it all aroundlife and then just going forward
with it.

Speaker 1 (53:55):
Right.
So I mean, I was going to say Idon't know if you listen to the
show we only released oneepisode.
But I've been doing like otherinterviews with moms and it's
the moms are just so different,the backgrounds are so different
, but they have some greatstrategies that they used and

(54:18):
the shows haven't been releasedyet.
But just because you're in thatplanning phase out kind of clue
you into some of the thingsthat they have.
So one of the moms which Ithought was like, oh, that was a
great idea, she ended upfinding teams for her kids.

(54:39):
She had, she was a mom of threeas well and she said all of the
extracurricular activities fellin different seasons.
So she didn't have to run around, you know, all around for each
kid, because this is volleyballseason.

Speaker 2 (54:58):
It's around these months.

Speaker 1 (55:01):
This one does this.
It's around this month, thisone does that.
So that's something to consider.
And then we interviewed anothermom just yesterday and she's
like she just makes the trip.
She drops when she's droppingone.
She's picking up the other.
Yeah, when it's time to pick upthe other.

(55:21):
Okay, now let's take the otherone and go pick up the first one
and I'm like, oh, but you knowfor her I think she said at one
point, when they have the games,she and dad switch up.
So dad starts out with this oneand then he like goes to the

(55:42):
other competition or game and hefinishes the game with another
one and they kind of switch.
So it's interesting to hear howparents are tackling pretty
much the same challenges thatwe're all faced with and it
seems like everyone is justgetting really creative with how

(56:03):
they handle it and I feel Ialways talk about how it's so
different from when we grew up.
When I grew up, I started outwith a two parent household.
My parents separated and endedup in a single family home with
just my mom and my sister, andlife became drastically

(56:27):
different.
You know it went from havingthat mom.
I won't say she was a soccer mombecause we played tennis, but
she had that mini van and weknew like from this time, this
time is tennis.
From this time to that time, Ithink we were on two different
teams.
We had two different coachesOne I'm in South Florida as well

(56:50):
, and it was like one was downsouth, one was up north and we
just made that trip every dayand once my parents separated,
the expectation was still tennisis a year round sport.
You need to stay in conditionyear round.
You still need to go topractice every single day.

(57:11):
I think the only day I didn'tpractice was a Saturday, and
usually Saturdays are game days.
And even when we moved Iprobably moved when I was like
11 or 12, my mom bought a houseand I had to walk.
I had to walk from my house todowntown because you need to

(57:31):
make it to practice.
So that's how, but times weredrastically different.

Speaker 2 (57:38):
Right, so me walking.

Speaker 1 (57:41):
I used to walk maybe five or six blocks to get, like,
from home to tennis practiceand then, if I was lucky, my mom
would pick me up, or I had towalk to my aunt's house and wait
for my mom to pick me up fromthere.
You know, but I had thatsupport system.
My mom had that support system.
Everyone lived in closeproximity.

(58:02):
So really, before you knew it,I'm just walking all around town
you know every day.
Got to go here and got to gothere.
My mom told me to do it.
I better get it done, and ourkids don't have that anymore.
So what you see now is almostlike I don't know, a phenomenon

(58:25):
in itself, where you have theparents running around doing
these things that as kids, whenwe were children, we did them on
our own that was exactly.
It was my responsibility tohave my changing clothes for
practice.
Yeah, To make it there on timeand get on that tennis court by
the time my coach showed up.

(58:45):
You know, these things areexpensive and even even back
then, I think, tennis lessonswere about $40 an hour.
Wow, even way, way back then,and my sister and I not to like
to do our own harm, but we werepretty talented, pretty good, so

(59:07):
our lessons were free.
But you better be there on time,you better be ready to play, so
it was like that hustle andbustle of really using that time
management as a child afterschool hours to walk around and
do what I needed to do, becausethat was the expectation.
And if I was late for practice,you know you better get in

(59:31):
those bleachers and run someextra laps because you were late
, or I don't want to have toexplain to my mom why I got
there late.
What were you doing to be latein the first place?
I didn't want to have thatconversation, so I just made
sure I was on time.
But now all of thoseresponsibilities that we had are
now falling on us as parents,because times have changed.

(59:54):
We have moved, the villageshave gotten smaller, cities have
gotten bigger, you know, it'sjust not the same.
So it's interesting to hear howeveryone is becoming more
resourceful and making sure thattheir kids are still able to
get those experiences.

(01:00:15):
But it does seem like it'sweighing more heavily on the
parents now.
So, that's interesting to hear.
So we've gone through.
Okay, I forgot.
So this is probably the mostinteresting, most fun question
and it's all fun, it's all lovehere, and I just asked for like

(01:00:38):
transparency.
But thinking about yourexperience with parenting, your
experience and how things aregoing with motherhood, etc.
Can you think of your mostrecent shitty mom experience

(01:01:01):
that you've had?

Speaker 2 (01:01:05):
Oh, yes, I think it was just last week with the
older one.
I think I heard half of aconversation or something.
I don't know if it's something.
Okay, I think I was on a phonewith her after school and she
put me on mute and I'm likehello, hello, hello.

(01:01:28):
I didn't mean, I didn't know atthe time, I was on mute and I'm
just screaming hello, hello,hello.
And then finally I just hung upand I called her back and she
said hello, and I'm like what'sgoing on?
You just went blank and shesaid well, it was these three
boys that were trying to ask medo I think they're attractive?

(01:01:48):
And they're trying to hook meup with their friend?
And I didn't even let herfinish and I was like you put me
on mute for that and, ifanything, I should be listening.
I need to hear what did theysay, what did they?
And she, I just went off and Iwas upset and I was like I'll
see you when you get home,because that wasn't cool.

(01:02:09):
And I said, matter of fact, Imight just take your phone away.
And when finally she got home,and she was just sad and she was
like mommy, I'm sorry, but Ireally need to explain this to
you and I'm like, okay, and shewas like, well, first of all she
said I didn't want to be.
I felt she was saying, I feltlike I didn't want to be

(01:02:32):
disrespectful, you know, by tothem.
You know here I'm thinkingselfishly as her mom, but she
said she didn't want to bedisrespectful and be on the
phone as they were talking toher and she felt that at the
moment she can handle herselfand she knew what to say and she
knows how to handle thesesituations and that I've taught

(01:02:53):
her well.
And she told me her response tothem and she just it was just
so mature and she was like whatyou know, she said, yes, I
should have told you hold onbefore mute.
But she said that's the onlymistake that I made and I was
like like she just shut me upand I I wanted to respond back.

(01:03:13):
Just be like, excuse me, whoyou think you're talking to,
just because.
But when I thought about it, Iwas like she's right.
And if I just try to defendmyself, like I find most parents
doing right away, just becausethey got their feelings hurt
when, truly, their child istelling the truth, I was like
you know what I said.
You're right, you're right.
She said you didn't even let mefinish, mom, and that she said I

(01:03:35):
cried.
She said I cried going homebecause I didn't want you to be
upset.
She said I just wanted you toknow that.
You taught me about boys.
I know how to respond.
I wasn't disrespectful to them.
I didn't tell them, leave mealone, I just kindly, you know,
answered them in this manner.
And she said I thought you wouldbe proud.
And when I say I cried, oh myGod.

(01:03:58):
And I was like, oh my God, baby, I am so proud of you, I know
you're mature.
And she said I can handle this,mom, I don't want you to think
I didn't need you on the phoneso you could put your input.
I know what to do.
And I'm like and you're soright and I'm just so sorry for
doubting you.
And then I'm crying in her armsand she crying back.
You know we both just crying.

(01:04:20):
My husband is looking at uslike oh my God, I got a house
full of girls and it was areally come.
It was a come to Jesus momentfor both of us, right?
Um, because for me to expressthat and she saw me crying like
that's how hurt I was.
I think that made as much of adifference that it did to me
Because, like I said it ourresponse to that could have just

(01:04:42):
been like well, next time justmake sure I'm on the phone, and
you know.
And it could have just beenthat.
Yeah you could have been Right,but I was willing to listen, I
was willing to apologize, and ithurt so bad.
She was able to see me expressthat, so, but, oh my God, that
made me feel so bad.

Speaker 1 (01:04:59):
Doesn't it make you feel good to know what you are
pouring into her, like she?
Was taking it in.
That's amazing.

Speaker 2 (01:05:07):
I was so proud.
She said, mom, you told medon't cut snow boys out and
don't tell it, and cause that'show I grew up.
My mom was like, if anything,it's a compliment when you know
they try to, you know whenthey're interested or whatnot,
and it's rude to just be likeyou know how we grew up.
Yeah, you know, boy, leave mealone, don't talk to me with
your ugly something.

(01:05:27):
Though I don't want her to belike that.
And she handled it well.

Speaker 1 (01:05:32):
And it's dangerous.
Now you hear a lot of things inthe news.
It is, you cannot, it is, it'sunfortunate, but you definitely
have to teach your girls, evenif some, and even your boys, if
somebody has wronged you, ifsomebody is wronged sometimes
you got to bow out gracefully,kill them with kindness, be

(01:05:57):
respectful and walk away,because you might be that might
be the straw that broke thecamel's back.
If you have a more negativeresponse, so, that's awesome
that you're teaching her that,Because right now you can never
be too careful.
You can never be too safe.

(01:06:17):
So that's awesome that not onlydid she hear you, but she knows
when to use it.
So that's amazing.
Yep, I would have melted aswell.

Speaker 2 (01:06:30):
Thanks for sharing that.
Oh my god, I don't even want tothink about it anymore, doesn't
that break?

Speaker 1 (01:06:34):
in my heart, but I would have been so proud.
Look, I'm proud for you.
Like that is good parenting.

Speaker 2 (01:06:42):
Like that is good parenting.

Speaker 1 (01:06:46):
So you've already gone over some of the things
that you're actively workingtowards, and usually I cover
that, but I feel like we'vecovered it already.
So what are some of the rewardsthat you've been experiencing?
Because I don't want this to be.
Sometimes I'm a part ofdifferent mom groups and usually

(01:07:09):
those mom groups easily turninto a venting session and I
like to focus on conversationsthat are honest but productive,
right, and not just negative allthe time, because if motherhood

(01:07:30):
was so horrible, we wouldn't behere again and again and again
and constantly wrecking ourbrains to come up with different
experiences, better experiences, like there are some joys to
motherhood, right.
So I want to hear from youpersonally what are some of the

(01:07:54):
rewards that you haveexperienced in motherhood?

Speaker 2 (01:07:58):
Oh, being told how beautiful and how great I am
every day.
It's like a recorder, I mean.
Every day, every morning, everynight they're on it and it's
like no one's forcing them.
That is just violent.
I mean some people think theyneed a man for that and just to

(01:08:20):
have my kids just reinforce it.
I think I know well I'd besaying God be doing funny stuff.
But I think God knows how I amon myself and how I'm harsh on
myself and how I don't likecertain things about the way I
look.
And he just happened to give megirls who love everything about
me and they continually say it.

(01:08:40):
So just having them say I loveyou and you're beautiful, and
just hearing that alone, andthen, like I mentioned about the
last example, hearing or seeingthat they're actually learning
from what you're teaching them,that's a reward, because I mean,

(01:09:02):
I think it's an honor to beable to not just have children
but to raise them right.
That's a whole other arenaright there and I love that.
I feel like I'm fortunate tonurture the next generation of

(01:09:25):
just, smart, beautiful,respectful, wealthy, like just.
I feel like I'm raising thewhole generation, or my children
are going to be part of thatnext era of a certain class and
not to put race in this, but weBlack so that has to.

(01:09:47):
It's kind of like it's evenmore pressure Just to be the
best out there.
But that is so fortunate.
Just to see everything you pourinto them and what they develop
to be and knowing that, oh mygod, that one day they're going
to have their families, One daythey're going to have kids.
So it's almost like I've seenteachers who've known kids over

(01:10:12):
years and they grow up and seethese kids become presidents and
councilmen and mayors and NFLplayers, and it's that same type
of feeling.
You know that you played a partin something so great, so I
think that's a great benefit ofmotherhood.

(01:10:32):
And let me not forget when I'mupstairs and I need me a cup of
water, I love it.
Right now, my 11 year old isbaking the cake, so by the time
we're done, I'm going to eat mesome lemon cake.
Yes, so I'm not going to pushback that.
You told me to be real.
Look at here, when you needthat remote and you don't want
to get up, I'm telling you whenI need something in the car.

(01:10:57):
And I got to listen, listen.
So you got to use some littlehelpers at the same time, and
it's not to say they're slaves,but at the same time we're
teaching them to be responsibletoo.
It teaches them responsibilityin that way.
But, yeah, I think motherhoodis great, right, it's beautiful,

(01:11:18):
and everyone has thatmotherhood in them.
I don't think motherhood countsas how many kids you were able
to pop out your vagina or it'sso much more to that Motherhood
could be.
Like you said, someone in yourvillage I have close friends who

(01:11:38):
are not able to have childrenor who've had his directives,
but the motherhood in them, thenurturing, what they have to
instill in my kids, that meansjust as much.
So I mean, motherhood to me islike a trait, a characteristic
of someone, and not necessarilymeans that you've had them.

(01:11:59):
Like I said, even the motherswho have adopted, that doesn't
make them any less than so.
I'm just, I don't know, justbeing on this show and just now,
as I'm talking about myself,I'm thinking about all the other
moms who are out there.

(01:12:19):
I mean kudos, kudos, kudos tothem.
It's not easy and I'm justproud to be a mom and I'm proud
to see everyone out there who isputting that motherhood hat on
Right and we're raising the nextgeneration.
I love it.

Speaker 1 (01:12:37):
Right.
Motherhood is definitely what Icall a sorority in itself.
Whether you realize it or not,like you, are part of a
sisterhood and sometimes youneed those outside influences
because maybe they connect withyour child in a different way.

(01:13:00):
Like even if you have a greatconnection with your kid guess
what.
Somebody may invoke somethingelse and then that you didn't
know before.
So it's nice to have thatsupport system and that trust.
I feel like that's where myvillage comes into play.

(01:13:20):
I am surrounded by so manyother people who can tap into
different interests of my sonthat we couldn't tap into the
same way.
For instance, I love to garden,my son loves to garden, but when
he goes to my best friend'shouse, when their family will do

(01:13:45):
gardening and things like that,well, they're more experimental
.
So whereas I'm like, ok, what'sthe temperature, let's test the
soil, I was a science teacher.
So when I do my gardening,between what I learned from my
grandmother and what I know as ascience teacher, I'm like oh no
, we're going to plant thisright here, because the sun is

(01:14:09):
the brightest at this angle andthis time, and this, this, this,
this, this, and we are going toharvest some fruits and veggies
and all this stuff.
And when he goes to my bestfriend's house.
I think one day I went to pickhim up and he was all.
He was starting to break out,like all around his hands his

(01:14:30):
mouth, his face and I'm likewhat are you doing?
And he's like oh, we just put abunch of seeds.
Like for the summertime it wasduring COVID we had extra time
and they just threw a bunch ofseeds into like a bucket outside
and put some dirt in there anda whole bunch of other stuff,

(01:14:50):
and then I guess they learnedabout composting.
So now they're like, oh, let'sgo get some trash.

Speaker 2 (01:14:56):
Let's go get some banana peels.

Speaker 1 (01:14:58):
Let's go get some, because it's going to make it
grow better and by the end ofthe summer I'm like, well,
what's grown out of that bucket?
And they're like we don't know,we just we just been planting it
and watering it, and they aremore exploratory with their

(01:15:20):
gardening because I don't knowwhat was growing.
I don't know if they made a newfruit, I don't know what it was
, but he had a blast and I'mlike, well, it looks like you're
breaking out and come to findout.
I think they put like the skinof a mango in there as well.

(01:15:41):
And then we found out later onhe was allergic to mangoes and
he's like that's why you'rebreaking out all over the place,
but you have fun.
He had a blast, so it was justnice to see that gardening
really, really piqued hisinterest when the scientific

(01:16:01):
approach didn't work for us.
He was interested, we had fundoing it, but we didn't have
that much fun with him comingall itchy and swollen so it was
just not like I didn't even mindbecause he had so much fun.
And it's nice to see thatdifferent people in our village

(01:16:22):
can kind of pull those thingsout of our kids for us.
So what keeps you going andwhat keeps you motivated with
all of the challenges that youface?
What makes you say, OK, I'mgoing to tackle these challenges
regardless?

Speaker 2 (01:16:43):
Hmm, what keeps me going?
What keeps me motivated?
Definitely I have to givecredit to God if it wasn't for
my spiritual life, just to bementally there for my kids and
I'm teaching them too aboutwalking in godly ways and then

(01:17:03):
also just the I don't know.
I think, at the end of the day,when you know you can't return
them and they're just, you justgot them, you got to push
forward, you got to figure itout.
I mean there is no giving up.
I mean we have our burnoutseasons.
I can say that and we're justfrustrating.

(01:17:25):
And at that time you recognizethat Maybe get away curls, trip
something and then get yourselftogether and let's get back and
keep going.
I think those seasons will comenow and then, but I mean I
never even thought about justquitting or I'm done.

(01:17:48):
I mean all I could think about.
I think the way I am mentally isalways how can I do better?
And I think that's why I'malways hard on myself, because I
could probably be doingsomething at a high expectation
expectation and I still feellike I haven't done enough.
So I find myself always beingable to push myself.

(01:18:09):
I think also too, because whatI see lack, if I see lack in my
girls in different areas,whether it's emotional,
educational, then I feel like myjob isn't done.
So I'm always looking for waysto improve as a mom and just

(01:18:32):
keep it going.
Yeah, stopping is not an option.
It doesn't stop Even whenthey're grown and they're going
to be calling me and say, mom,how you do this again, how much
bleach you put in this.
Mom, I got to make this what Ihave to do again.
So it almost never stops.
So I can't even say, oh, Ican't wait till they get out the
house, it doesn't stop.
So I'm in this for the longhaul, I'm in this till I die.

Speaker 1 (01:18:55):
All right.

Speaker 2 (01:18:55):
Yeah, I love that attitude.

Speaker 1 (01:18:58):
And then what so?
With that being said, whatadvice about motherhood do you
wish you had received a lotsooner.

Speaker 2 (01:19:16):
That motherhood didn't mean just a mom, like
people look at motherhood assomeone who feeds the child, who
dresses the child, who providesfor the child.
But I didn't realize I wouldhave to be a teacher, a coach, a
counselor, a pastor.

(01:19:39):
I mean I feel like I wear somany hats just being a mom alone
.
There are so many aspects tolife with these children and I
wish I knew I had to be there inall these areas for them.
Now, as I grow older, I noticethat I don't have the answers

(01:20:02):
for all those areas and I'mlearning that you know what.
They do good when they go toAuntie, because Auntie knows how
to talk them through situations.
They do good when they go overhere.
So I'm learning they couldstill receive those aspects in
life and it doesn't necessarilyhave to come through me, but it
hit me hard.
It hit me hard.

(01:20:23):
I felt like, oh my god, I justfed you, I just clothed you.
Now you're dealing withemotional issues because your
friend called you a black girl.
Like so many things in life, thepolitics that's going on around
life, that alone it's just.
I wish.
Yeah, like I said, growing upthinking I'm going to be a mom,

(01:20:45):
I just you know how you picturedyou.
I got my baby and you know thisand that, but it's so much more
.
It's so much more that'sinvolved, yeah, you have to wear
so many other hats.
So I wish I knew that earlier.
But guess what?
I'm learning it now, right, andI think the biggest thing is I

(01:21:05):
had to come to terms and say youknow what?
I can't be all of this, yeah,and I just have to know how to
provide that to them some waysomehow.

Speaker 1 (01:21:12):
Yeah, I think that's the one thing.
Since I've started doing theinterviews, I've been hearing
that a lot and I think that'sone of the struggles that I deal
with, and I call it shitty momsyndrome, where you just feel
like you're constantly missingout on opportunities to be the

(01:21:36):
best mom that you thought youwere going to be.
But it's like for me, I just Idon't know motherhood.
I just knew I was going to bethe best mom.
This was going to be so great.
This is one thing that I can do.
And for me it was just like aslap in the face, like this is
hard, this is hard too, and thisis hard.

(01:21:57):
Why is everything so difficult?
Like when does it get easy?
This is not funny anymore,what's happening.
But then I also realized if Ididn't like it, it's my
responsibility to change it.
I can't keep going on thetrajectory that I was on.
I couldn't keep moving on thatpath, because guess what?

(01:22:21):
My child is going to be the endresult of that right.
So when am I pouring into him?
And if I'm not enjoying it, hepossibly like there's no way he
can be enjoying it.
And this is about him.
So those are the things thatkeep me going, keep me motivated
, and I'm always looking to dobetter.

(01:22:42):
So what was the best advicethat someone gave you about
motherhood?

Speaker 2 (01:22:51):
That was it what I just said.
You can't be everything.
I used to drive myself crazy,stressed, and I'm like now it's
this and now it's this problem.
And now is this, the teacher'scalling me, saying they have
this problem learning this way.
And I'm like, and someonefinally told me that, like, if
you try to be that and they seemothers literally go through

(01:23:13):
burnout and then they turn intodepression, yeah, absolutely.
And they said you're gonna,you're gonna put yourself in
depression if you keep thinkingthis and Going about it this way
.
And that's when I learned that,yes, they're gonna have needs
and yes, there are resources.
There's your village, there'sall types of of, there are all

(01:23:37):
types of the ways to Accomplishtheir needs.
And it doesn't all have to comefrom me, because I did feel bad
that I couldn't Supply that,because I felt like that's my
job.
You know, I'm supposed to beable to do this, or I'm supposed
to be able to know how to dothis math problem.
I got this new math, oh my god.
So, like, oh my god.

(01:23:58):
But you know I said no, I'mgonna be okay, I'm gonna go give
me a little tutor work withthem, and and that was the best
advice is just that you can't doeverything, but just but you
can supply them with all theirneeds, but it doesn't
necessarily all come from you.

Speaker 1 (01:24:13):
Right, absolutely, and I will say that was probably
the best, best advice, the bestadvice that I've received.
A friend of mine Made like aPSA for moms and she was like,
if you can outsource it, do that.
And it just resonated with mebecause at the time, like most

(01:24:39):
of the listeners know, most ofmy friends know, I started out
in education with a very modestteaching salary before I entered
the the field of behaviortherapy.
So I Started looking at it likeI can't outsource things.
But then I started askingmyself, okay, what can I take

(01:25:00):
off my plate?
And then it started with thesesimplest thing.
I'm not sweeping the flooranymore, we're getting a robot.
Yeah, I will save up.

Speaker 2 (01:25:11):
I will pinch.

Speaker 1 (01:25:14):
Because it just takes so much time out of your day
just doing that every day.
But what are your, your options?
And I think you said somethingreally important that when you
keep Missing and feeling likeyou're failing at what you're
doing, you know that shitty momsyndrome.

(01:25:35):
Will turn into Depression, andI think I was headed down that
path because you're just Down onyourself constantly, because
you're missing out on.
Okay, I thought I was gonna dothis and yes, oh my gosh, I
didn't do that and I'm a shittymom, oh my gosh.
I didn't do this, I was supposedto do this, or this was

(01:25:57):
terrible, this, and Before youknow it, you get caught in that
cycle and I think at one pointin life I did get stuck in that
cycle of I'm just doingeverything wrong.
This is terrible.
And then when I saw that post,I'm like you know what?
I Can't do everything andthat's why I'm failing at

(01:26:19):
everything, because youshouldn't be doing everything,
so even something as simple asSweeping the floor every day,
because I can't stand dirty feet.
I can't stand stuff on thebottom of my feet.
So I pinched my pennies and Isaved from that little teacher
pay check.
And come Black Friday, oh, I'mgetting a robot to clean my

(01:26:43):
floor.
And what I tell you?
This robot was like golden thewhole family would be like, okay
, the robot is clean, like cleara floor.
The robot, like it just feltlike a weight was lifted because
I took One thing off of myplate and that one thing was the
floor, right, so it started methinking like, okay, what else?

(01:27:06):
What else can I take off myplate?
Something like the groceryshopping?
Okay, let me factor that intothe budget, because I go to the
grocery store like every otherday.
How much time do I waste?
Yeah, at the grocery store.
Okay, I'm not doing thatanymore.
I started making my list.
I save up my money and get mylittle $99 ship membership for

(01:27:30):
the year.

Speaker 2 (01:27:31):
Yep at your door.

Speaker 1 (01:27:36):
Saturday morning.
My groceries are there by 8 am.
Like those are things now.
I'm not so stressed out withhow am.
I gonna get this done and gogrocery shopping.

Speaker 2 (01:27:48):
How am?

Speaker 1 (01:27:48):
I gonna get this done and make sure the house is
clean.
I you know you do have to tofind a way and, like you said,
you are Building a generation ofgirls who are black, who are
wealthy.
But I don't want to discountany moms who can't do these

(01:28:10):
things, so I always try to letmoms know like look, I am not
staying for all moms to go outthere and Do these things and
put yourself in a predicamentwhere you are living Beyond your
means trying to keep up,because these things cost money
and you do have to becomeresourceful, they like, unless

(01:28:33):
you have it like that, and Someof my friends they have it like
that.

Speaker 2 (01:28:37):
They don't have to think twice and then I don't
have it like that Right, andthen I have other friends who
you know.

Speaker 1 (01:28:43):
I have a friend right now who's teaching me how to
budget, and she's got me to thepoint.
I will budget down to the verylast dollar that I have in that
account.
Yeah, dollar has a job.
Yeah, and I've been working onthat.
My goal for this year was towork on the finances, like

(01:29:05):
where's your money going?
Why are you?
Coming up short?
Why does it feel like you livein paycheck to paycheck?
Why does your savings look likethat and you know I kind of make
jokes.
I have some friends who worktwo and three jobs.
Some work for, some have a lifeand I'm like you know what I

(01:29:25):
might when they say multiplestreams of income.

Speaker 2 (01:29:28):
You know, what?

Speaker 1 (01:29:29):
if you want to do these things, then guess what?
You need to bring in some moremoney.
Yeah, if you want to lightenyour load, you're gonna have to
pull in some more money so youcan do those things.
So I don't want any moms to,and I say this because when I
was a new teacher, when I was anew teacher, that's when I had
my son.
And, just to give you someinsight, I started teaching when

(01:29:54):
I graduated from the Universityof Florida in Gainesville and I
was just so happy because Ilanded my first job With my
bachelor's degree, making twentythree thousand dollars a year
as a teacher and I was so proud.
And then I moved back down toPalm Beach because a friend of

(01:30:15):
mine was like, oh, if you teachin Palm Beach County you'll make
37 thousand dollars a year.
And I'm like, oh, I gotta go.
So you know, and that wasbefore taxes take, we're taking
out.
So you know, once you you throwa kid into that because I moved

(01:30:36):
down here and then I found outI was pregnant, so now 37,000
was great as like a new graduatewith no kids, no car payment,
no financial responsibility.
But those things start to shiftas you get more responsibility.
So I like to always come upwith different solutions For

(01:31:03):
moms, like based on differentbudgets.
Right, so, when I couldn'tafford that robot, in the
meantime it was teaching my son.
Hey, on these days I just wantyou to sweep this area right
here.
Maybe you sweep the steps.
Any little thing to helplighten my load was like a

(01:31:24):
relief until Financially, Icould do something different.
So I just love Having differentguests on the show talk about
different strategies, differentchallenges, because my hope is
that any mom that's listening orany dad, because a lot of the
times my husband he's theproducer of the show and he kind

(01:31:45):
of checks in to make sure, likethe video, the sound quality,
all of that stuff is in check.
But Later on in the week I canhear us revisiting the
conversations, or I or I willhear.
Recently I heard him revisitingsome of the dialogue from the
interviews that we had, becauseit's giving him more insight as

(01:32:09):
A husband and he's telling hisother friends who are husbands
like no, they talked about thisand I didn't even know that and
they, they said this and I hadno clue.
And you know.
To us we just deal with itevery day.
But once we start having adialogue now, that opens the
door for other People to listenin and then they find out how

(01:32:32):
they can lighten the load andhelp out.

Speaker 2 (01:32:36):
I, because I feel like at the end of the day,
they're gonna appreciate and belike wow, how can I lighten the
load?

Speaker 1 (01:32:44):
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah so definitely.
Thank you so much for startersfor joining, but also Share this
with any other moms, husbands,family members Hopefully they
don't get to hung up on the name.

Speaker 2 (01:33:01):
But, it's.

Speaker 1 (01:33:02):
It's definitely More to it than just a name, right?
So I I definitely Want you toshare.
I want you to continue tolisten to the show.
If you've never heard the show,please go on YouTube, listen to
the first episode.
It's amazing and I really hopeyou keep tuning in so you can
pick up different nuggets oflike information from different

(01:33:26):
moms.
And for the moms who will betuning into this episode Did you
want to leave any contactinformation, like did you want
to self promote or if anyonewanted to reach out to you?
Did you want to share thatinformation or not?
You don't have to, is totallyup to you.

Speaker 2 (01:33:47):
Right now I have everything Private, okay, but I
mean, if it's something that Idon't want to be in a position
where I block myself off so much, where someone needs to hear
something that could possiblychange their life, okay, Um, I
would like, if possibly, youcould connect me with them.
I think that'll be great, but Idon't have anything that's just

(01:34:08):
out in open.
Definitely an email.
I could definitely share email.
Okay, um, it's virtuous woman87 at yahoocom.
So virtuous V I R T you, oh uswoman WOM a n 87 at yahoocom.

Speaker 1 (01:34:31):
Alright, thank you so much.
There, you guys have it.
Thank you again.
This was so much fun.
I was a little nervous becausethis is my first time meeting
you, but this was awesome, sothank you so much for giving us
some insight and sharing yourtime with me, and I look forward

(01:34:51):
to getting this out there andHopefully you enjoy the final
product and what you hear.

Speaker 2 (01:34:57):
Yes, thank you.
It was a pleasure and I lovewhat you're doing and I really
feel like this is gonna make adifference with the moms out
there.
So kudos to you and yourpodcast Wish you all the best of
luck.

Speaker 1 (01:35:09):
All right, thank you have a good one.
Thank you too.
Hey everyone, it's yourfavorite BCB AD here, dr Deloren
, and I'm here to ask you tohelp us Continue making great
content for listeners everywhereby visiting wwwforshittymomscom
, where you can make a monthlycontribution.

(01:35:29):
Also, visit us on Instagram,youtube, facebook and TikTok at
ForshittyMoms and that's shitty.
With an X, not an I.

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