March 19, 2024 • 62 mins
When Simone Renee Colbert first embraced motherhood, little did she know it would lead her to the bustling streets of New York City and a life devoted to empowering women as a doula. As she shares her transformative journey, we're reminded that sometimes the most profound callings emerge from life’s unexpected twists. Simone's infectious energy will captivate you as she recounts how her own experiences during childbirth propelled her to become an advocate for birthing choices, especially among Black women, highlighting the undeniable strength in informed and supported deliveries.
The staggering maternal mortality rates among women of color are a chilling reality that cannot be ignored. In our heart-to-heart with Simone, we confront the sobering statistics and personal narratives that underscore the urgency of self-advocacy and the value of having a doula or midwife present during childbirth. Her poignant tales of postpartum challenges serve as a powerful reminder of the stakes involved and the difference that knowledge and compassionate care can make in creating safer birthing environments.
Beyond birth, Simone's journey spills into the realm of education, where she confronts the institutionalized racism that many Black children face. Through her eyes, we examine alternative educational paths that challenge the status quo and offer a culturally rich and supportive learning environment for her children. Simone's embracing of homeschooling and the pursuit of academic excellence, despite the trials faced, is a riveting narrative that redefines success and resilience in the face of adversity. Join us as we celebrate her story — a beacon of inspiration for parents and educators alike, advocating for change and a better future for all our children.
⏰ Chapter Markers ⏰
0:00 - Black Woman Navigating Social Spaces
11:57 - Navigating Challenges and Maintaining Joy
23:54 - Navigating Motherhood and Healing Trauma
29:58 - Navigating Motherhood and Parenting Challenges
37:49 - Parenting and Guiding Young Talent
48:33 - Motherhood, Self-Care, and Asking for Help
1:00:23 - Connecting With Audiences Through Instagram
A Podcast for the less than perfect mom!"
➣ For Guest Appearances, Sponsorship & Bookings: shxtmom@gmail.com
➣ Visit our official website: https://www.ForShxttyMoms.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode of FSM is brought to you by Fidelity
Behavioral Alliance, your numberone source for behavior change.
Fidelity Behavioral Alliancecreates behavior change programs
for schools, parents andorganizations looking to reduce
problem behaviors and improveperformance outcomes.
(00:20):
Find out more atwwwfidelitybehavioralalliancecom
.
If you would like to sponsor anepisode of FSM, email us at
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That's S-H-X-T-M-O-M atgmailcom.
(00:44):
It's time to put the kids to bed, so y'all get ready for another
episode of For Shitty Moms.
Hey everyone, this is part twoof a two-part series, so if you
haven't listened to part one, goahead and stream that on your
favorite platform.
I'll tell anybody.
(01:05):
I became a science teacherbecause at that point I failed
so many damn science classes.
Hell, I can't teach the classbecause I've taken it about ten
times.
I can teach all these scienceclasses because I've failed them
so many times.
But it took me to fail achemistry course and I had to
(01:29):
retake it in the summer and Iended up with a black adjunct
professor, and from there herexamples were so relatable I
will tell any and everybody.
Once she started relatingchemistry to relaxers that you
(01:50):
put in your hair as a blackwoman, that shit started
clicking like this Listen, we'regonna understand that.
Give me some concrete examplesthat I've seen in my life Right
and that's how I learned aboutbalancing chemical equations and
chemical bonds and all of thatand I never have gotten it,
(02:12):
that's right, you got toneutralize and shift, Hello.
But it's those instances whereI'm like those are those pivotal
moments.
It was like, okay, I can dothis because once it clicked, I
was no longer that failingstudent.
Right, I didn't fail.
Those shitty ass teachers failedbecause they couldn't give me
(02:36):
anything that I could identifywith, right, but I'm still here
in this space where they're nottrying to make you feel welcome.
So you know, those were justgen ed courses.
Then you get into your majorand your concentration and these
caddy ass girls who have doneall this prep and probably went
(02:58):
to private schools their wholelives and now they're competing
with their GPAs and their gradeswith me and one of my best
friends to this day.
We met each other at theUniversity of Florida.
Both of us were failing thesame class, Like shit, I don't
belong here.
(03:19):
And somebody was like oh, I gota friend, you might want to
study with her Bitch.
We both failing, how we goingshe failing the class, I'm
failing the class and somehow wegot together and we were just
blowing that shit out of thewater and it was so many girls
who just could not stand it tothe point where, oh, you crammed
(03:43):
for that test.
Well, I'm going to go talk tothe professor about what,
Because I outscored.
But yeah, they had thataudacity to let me know, Like
you don't deserve to get thatgrade.
Really, how would you know?
So it's these things that weencountered, as you know, very,
(04:06):
very young adults and collegestudents, and that just kind of
shaped my attitude to you.
Know what I'm going to be inthese spaces?
It's going to make peopleuncomfortable and I still have
to be successful.
And no, they're not going totry to help you.
Right, that was my take on it.
(04:27):
You're not going to get thehelp you deserve it.
You're not going to get it.
And if somebody else were inyour same position, but they
don't look like you guess what?
They're going to get the helpand you're going to be forced to
even help them at times.
How are you going to navigatethat space?
Because that is the reality ofa black woman, anywhere, I don't
(04:50):
care what industry you're in.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Yeah, it's so true, Lori, it's so true, Absolutely.
Listen, even at our age it'sstill happening and I know.
You see it day to day.
I see it.
I even see it in birth work.
Like I mentioned, we've beendoing this forever.
Black women have been doulasbefore.
We wanted to be doulas.
(05:14):
It was just what we had to doto survive in a way.
But some of these trainings Iwalk into some of these meetings
most of the birth workers willbe white, speaking for us and
it's like whoa, whoa, sis.
You know, like your sister,what's happening here.
(05:35):
You know like this is ours,You're taking what's ours and I
just commend you for making itin those spaces.
And truly, truly, I'm stuck inbetween, like we just gonna send
all of our kids to HBCUs, andthe truth is we live in this
country and we deserve to be inthose spaces.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Right and I always tell people, like, look, I
always had so many friends whogave me so much shit for going
to UF and not fam or like anHBCU.
And it's like, look, thedifference is, when you go to a
PWI, you are reminded every daythat you're black, every class,
(06:22):
every tutoring session, becausethe professor isn't going to
talk to you why you are anotherseat and in their eyes you're
taking somebody's seat who couldbe more productive and more
successful and more useful.
Right, so it's not like youforgot that you were black.
You can't, you can't forgetthat you're black at a PWI
(06:44):
because they're not going to letyou.
So I always hear like, evenwhen we would go visit, say for
homecoming, it was just so niceto be able to breathe and be
surrounded by people who looklike you and I hear that from a
lot of my friends who are black,who travel to other countries,
(07:09):
and they they're like.
You know, I've never been tothis country before, but I just
felt safe because I wassurrounded by people who look
like me.
And how nice is that to wake upand go outside and everybody
looks like you, like you don'tstand for once.
You don't stand out like a sorethumb Like and I got that my
(07:32):
husband, he's Haitian and whenwe went to Haiti I'm like, I
felt home.
I felt like I was at home, likeGod.
This is a nice feeling, likewalking through the A way to
grow up.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
Right, what a place to call home.
That's really dope.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
Yeah, it was just like this is not like I can get
used to this.
Just going anywhere andeverybody looks like me you
don't even know that I'm notfrom here.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
I want to go to Ghana very soon and I'm like, look
y'all don't be bad if I don'tcome back.
I'm a god, there's my Amadou.
It'd be good for life, you know, because it's so true, those
places feel like home and Ireally think we deserve those
spaces, to deserve all thespaces, because, if you ask me,
(08:23):
black folk created all this.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
So.
So how do you prepare your sonfor that?
I know he's in the home school,but eventually he's going to
come to a point where both ofthem are going to come to a
place where they are no longerin those spaces.
And and what?
Speaker 2 (08:45):
do you do?
You know that's a good question, laurie and I ask myself that
often, and I feel like we'regoing to be traveling soon, in
the next three months, and Ifeel like that is going to be
one of headsets, wake up calls,because when we do go to Europe
for his soccer training, I havea feeling we're going to be the
(09:07):
only black family.
So this is going to be aconversation to be had for sure.
But for now, what I all I pourinto my children, that they are
capable, that they are amazing.
I just pour, pour a lot of loveinto them, but at the same time
(09:28):
, I'm very real.
I'm very, very real with themtoo.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
Okay.
So I feel like you also fallinto that super positive, super
mom category.
Like, do you have those timeswhere you have your shitty mom
moments where it's like, oh myGod, what am I doing?
Like, oh, I'm sorry, Glory.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
Girl.
Yes, Co-parenting is not alwayseasy.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
And I had a moment this morning where I was just
like, and we're not going tofeed into that, oh, okay, but
it's true I have shitty mommoments and I just have to
remind myself that I am onlyaccountable for what I do, okay,
and how I react.
And then also, I'm an exampleto my children.
(10:22):
I really try to be the bestexample I can be.
Definitely, something that isimportant to me is allowing my
children to feel how they feelOkay.
I recently lost a friend andHattap was home with me when I
found out and I was just notokay.
(10:44):
I was crying all day and one ofmy friends asked me well, isn't
Hattap home with you?
What about him?
And I said you know what heneeds to see me like this
Because in a way, I'm giving himpermission to feel, because one
day he may lose a friend and Idon't want him to bottle that
(11:04):
shit up.
I want him to be able to sayyou know what I feel?
Terrible, I'm sad, I feeldepressed or whatever it is.
So I don't really hide a lotfrom my children.
They know who their mom is,they know when I'm dealing with
something.
I'm very real with them.
Yeah, and as far asco-parenting goes, lord, lord,
(11:31):
as wonderful as my children are,I do have tough moments with
their dads.
But again, I'm very seriousabout not talking bad about the
other parent.
I want my children to build therelationship with their fathers
on their own and they'll seeand feel about their dads how
(11:52):
they do.
But, lord, it's the struggle.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
So what happens when you fall short?
How do you do you self-correct?
Do you talk to them?
I do.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
I apologize to my children.
I do.
I'm big on that Because I wantthem to know that it's important
for them to apologize too.
You may offend people, you mayrub people the wrong way, things
may happen, you may makemistakes, but face it head on.
But I tell them mommy, I'mreally sorry, mommy snapped at
(12:26):
you.
It's just been a tough day andI'm going to take 15 minutes to
go take a breather and we'regoing to get through this.
That's straight up how I talkto my kids and I ask them how
they're feeling.
Something happened in school.
How did that make you feel Likethat?
(12:47):
Huh?
What you going to do about itnext time, right?
Speaker 1 (12:51):
See, I've been trying to reel it in Because I feel
like once I realized my son kindof had me on that pedestal, I'm
like, ooh, son, let me loweryour expectations.
Like he had mommy on thispedestal.
Mommy doesn't make mistakes,Mommy doesn't do anything wrong.
And I'm like, whoa, let me fixthat.
(13:13):
Right now I'm trying to dial itback because I feel like even
that like I have so many outsidestressors just juggling a lot
Like girl, that cannot be yourcrutch, that you know you behave
in this way because of stressor because of this or because of
(13:36):
that, Because then I don't wanthim to start using that as an
excuse.
Oh I'm stressed out, so I didthis.
Oh I'm stressed out, so I didthat.
That's real, yeah.
So I've been trying to reel itback in, but I've also, during
the process, I've also been kindof coaching him through it as I
(13:58):
coach myself through it.
So I'll let him know like no,mommy's not perfect.
Actually, I'm working on itbecause I shouldn't be doing
that.
So I'm going to try to do X, Y,Z, Like I you know my behavior
therapy brain kind of kicks inwhen it wants to and I always
tell him like no, I need toreplace that behavior with
(14:21):
something else, because that'snot okay Like I did it.
I was upset, I feel how I feel,but that wasn't the right
reaction.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
I have.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
I need to do better.
So I've been trying to holdmyself accountable in that way,
because I want him to see no,I'm not perfect, but this is how
you kind of navigate your waywhen you make a mistake, right,
and sometimes you can't fixthose mistakes.
So you don't think sorry isgoing to fix it all the time,
(14:51):
because it doesn't.
It's not.
We need to see a change ofaction.
Yeah, absolutely.
So I've been trying to holdmyself accountable in that way.
A huge one for me is likehaving those explosive reactions
and then my mouth oh, my gosh,the curse words.
(15:16):
Like I'm even.
Like I said that's going to beone of my new year's resolutions
.
I haven't really talked aboutit, I'm trying to mentally
prepare, but like I, I got tostop cursing.
Like I just need to just get it.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
It's a balancing right, lori, because somebody
said this to me and I'm likeyou're right.
Like curse words is just like alittle season, you know, for
your conversation.
You know it's like we need likea mother.
Sometimes it's just what it isShit, damn it, no.
(15:54):
At the same time, it's aboutbalance.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
Right now I'm off balance.
I'm out this pretty recklessYou're like a failure, right,
I'm like, oh boy, like the lastjob that I had, I think it just
I don't know working for theschool district, I accepted a
position that was like way morestressful than like I had to
(16:22):
have that come to Jesus momentwith myself.
Like, girl, you are 30, youlook 40, like you're probably
going to die from stress.
Like, literally, I was going tothe ER like I think I'm having
a heart attack, I think I'mhaving a stroke, and it was
stress.
So I left one job and traded itfor like another toxic ass job
(16:48):
and, like I said, between likethe workplace discrimination and
the racism and theinstitutional ized racism, it
was just like I had hit my limitand I would come home like
asking my husband, like are theyfucking with me?
Like am I crazy?
Because it will make you feelcrazy, and I feel like that's
(17:08):
when it started and I have sinceleft there.
But those residual responses,like now those F bombs just drop
and they just keep dropping andkeep dropping and I'm like, oh
Lord, like make it stop.
(17:28):
Like I tell everybody I have Ihave a oh, you probably remember
her, my best friend Ebony, likeshe's super positive, like you
super positive, and I'm like soI have an angel that's like my
best friend on one side.
But then I got this Kevin HartSamuel L Jackson angel on the
other side and it's just don'tlet Lauren say I'll encourage it
(17:54):
.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
I'm like, look, that's the doula and me.
I'm like, look, if you need tocuss during this birth screen,
girl, it's your birth.
What you need to say to getthis baby out.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
I love that, but it's like my son is bad.
When he walks around goingmoney language, I'm like, okay,
okay, okay.
So you know, right now he's mylittle prompt, my little SD to
be like, oh, reel it in, likeyou didn't drop too many, reel
(18:27):
it in so right now, like thoseare my challenges, just try and
not to be so reactive.
And I feel like when I watchyour videos online, whatever
you're doing, if it's alive, ifit's a reel, I'm just like damn,
I want that like you, just lookhappy, like your kids look
(18:47):
happy, you're just sometimesyou'll wake up and I'll see a
video and it's just you dancinglike shit.
I feel good today I'm a dancelike I love that.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
I love.
I love that you love it.
I'm gonna keep it going.
I'm gonna keep it going.
But the truth is we have tohold on to joy.
We deal with so much bullshit.
It's like women, as mothers,like we owe it to ourselves not
to let nobody bring stress toour lives.
Truly, like and I don't know,you know where it started with
(19:21):
me I feel like I've always beena happy person, but I really, as
as I become older, like I don'tplay about it, like okay, I'm
one of those people like don'tbring no stress around me, honey
, don't bring that around me.
Going over there with that,like I'm allergic to it.
Truly, because we deal with somuch, you know, in, life truly
is short.
I don't know if you knew this,but I lost my mom at six years
(19:44):
old.
I didn't know that she was 29and also I lost a friend in
October and it just put thingsin perspective for me that we
can literally be here today andgo on tomorrow.
We lost mr Johnson, um, a coupleyears ago, and it's just like
life is not promised and ifanything, I'm gonna enjoy this
(20:08):
shit to the wheels fall off yeahyou know, I'm gonna laugh, I'm
gonna eat, I'm gonna be married,I'm gonna enjoy my children,
I'm gonna have fun with them,because the truth is, I could be
going next week yeah um, and Idon't take that lightly at all,
I really don't so how do youdeal with the challenges of
motherhood?
Speaker 1 (20:29):
like I know you're, you're vigilant with your joy,
but when it comes to your kids,I feel like we all have that,
that switch right and everybodyis like mama, bear and
everything else.
So how do you maintain that joyand that same energy and how do
(20:49):
you keep things in perspectivewhen it comes to, like,
parenting and challenges withyour kids specifically?
Speaker 2 (20:56):
oh, that's true because I, that's one thing.
I don't get angry often, butwhen I do is usually about my
kids.
Okay, um, reeling it in.
It's tough, um, but I've alsohad to realize, you know,
there's only but so muchprotecting, like it is my, my
oldest calling me now um,there's only but so much
(21:17):
protecting that we can do.
Okay, um, and each of us haveour own journey.
So I have to remind myself ofthat.
I can't protect them fromeverything, but while I'm here,
I don't play about my kids.
Um, head to head phone isactually connected to my, to
where somebody texts him.
I can see it.
Um, not necessarily that didn'thappen on purpose, I don't know
(21:40):
how, but when I added his linefor his birthday, um, whoever
texts him, I can see it and Iain't gonna change it.
I like that.
Yeah, I like that.
One of one of his littlefriends was texting him like
I'ma beat you up, i'ma beat youand I I hop right in that text
(22:01):
oh, this is head taps, mom, andyou're gonna keep your hands to
yourself because we don't fight.
And then I text head on theside.
I said if you need to block him, please do, because I I'll go.
I get crazy, okay, like I'mreal, you know, but the funny
thing is I've never been in afight in my life, so I'm telling
(22:22):
you, the person that I lethands on is gonna get a whole
lot baby.
Don't let it be nobody but mykid, i'ma tell.
Tell you a new one, I swear.
But um, it's all about balanceit's all about balance, but I
will, yeah, and they're, they'redead.
No, I don't play about thembecause if anybody he's gotten
(22:50):
cussed out.
I was just like don't make himlike the sucker again yeah, they
usually catch the wrath.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Uh, yeah, I feel like that that's accurate.
They usually get it and youknow they have to adjust
accordingly.
I, I can see that.
I can see that.
Um, what was I gonna say?
So you, definitely okay.
So I, I like asking my mom'sthis and I'm just interested to
(23:22):
see.
I'm just going through thequestions, but so I kind of
coined the term shitty momsyndrome, where you just have
like that guilt, or like youstart going through those
seasons where it's like I justcan't get it right, like what am
I doing wrong or what?
How can I make it better?
(23:42):
I'm failing at everything, likethis sucks right.
So when you find yourself inthose seasons, how do you push
through it?
Speaker 2 (23:52):
oh, that's tough, um.
I thought about that thismorning with PJ, my older son,
being with his dad.
Something I struggle with is Idon't ever want him to look back
and say my mom gave me away ormy mom abandoned me, um, and my,
my stepmother kind of broughtit back home for me.
(24:12):
It's like, simone, you do somuch for him, even even when you
all are not together, you do somuch for him, um, it's tough.
It's tough, um, and I I wrestlewith that all the time, but I
know that I made that decisionbecause I did not want to be a
selfish parent.
I also didn't want him to lookback and say, ma, you never let
(24:35):
me get to know and be with myfather, okay, um, and I didn't
want.
So it's like that's huge, yeahit's like you know where?
where am I gonna fall in that,in that story, in that journey?
And I'm just like Simone, youjust have to continue to show up
and do your best.
And that's the same thing I sayto my clients when they're
(24:56):
struggling with breastfeeding,or it's a first time mom and
she's not confident about herability to take this baby home
and take care of it, I'm like,look, sis, it's, you are not
trying, you are doing, becauseit's either you do or you don't.
You know, um, and like it'sreally, sometimes it's not a day
(25:16):
at a time, sometimes it'sliterally a moment at a time but
, um, I've heard this before andI say it to myself all the time
Simone, just make the next bestdecision.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
Don't think about years from now, because that
might be too overwhelming, butfor today, as a mother, and for
yourself, make the next bestdecision, I love that I feel
like this is therapeutic,because I'm usually I'm that
high strong, like if somethingdoesn't go right, like it's I'm
(25:50):
again, the it's the end of theworld, and usually I'm that high
strong mom.
That's like if something iswrong with my kid or if I feel
like I'm missing the mark, andusually it's that mom guilt of
if my son is missing the mark,then I feel like my son is
(26:14):
missing the mark because ofsomething that I did wrong, so I
struggle with that a lot.
So I love that you're sayinglike make the next best decision
, because that could be anythingand you really can't go back in
time either.
So we can't go back in time, wecan't, we cannot we really, you
(26:39):
know sometimes you make thosemistakes and you can't erase
them.
They're just there and I thinkmy biggest thing has always been
like I don't want to inflicttrauma, but yeah, usually, um,
with you saying make the nextbest decision.
That's, I guess, the reminderthat I need for my damn self.
Um, because some days I feellike oh, girl, you like oh and
(27:04):
three, right now, you mishandledthat, you mishandled this one,
you, you mishandled that.
Like what are you doing?
And it just makes it.
And it's usually those dayswhere something is probably
already wrong and then I'm juststill misstepping or if I see
(27:26):
that he's not being successfulin an area like I take that to
heart.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
But, like you said, they all have their own journey
they really do, and this issomething I've gotten from my
stepmom, and she told me thatthis morning, um, because I was
upset about something pertainingto my older son, and she said
you know what, simone?
He has his own journey andyou're doing the best you can,
(27:57):
and that's where it's gonna haveto fall, because we can't
control everything you know,there are gonna be some
unsatisfactory experiences thatour children have.
As knowledgeable and educated weare as mothers, they're still
gonna have to deal with somebullshit in this country as
black men we cannot stop it.
Um, but as long as we continueto show up for them, even when
(28:18):
we're fucking up, and we'restill showing up, that's a good
ass job, if you want.
Okay, because I look back.
You know, I lost my mother atsix years old.
My dad was mourning the loss ofhis wife and I looked back and
that man was still showing up.
I was coming to Bang and Creep,mixed match socks, ponytails,
(28:39):
you know but listen, I commendhim because that was hard.
You have to raise your twochildren without her right.
And that man didn't he?
You know, I look back and hehad some, some things that he
attached himself to to put aband aid on the situation.
And I just look back and I say,daddy, I see you you know, I
(29:01):
see you and and and I get it.
You know, and I'm not.
I used to be angry, but nowthat I'm a mama I'm not angry
about it, no more.
I did it.
He did the best he could, yeah,with what he had, and now I
have my own journey.
I can't blame shit on the shiton that man.
Speaker 1 (29:17):
I'm grown now I gotta do what I gotta do, right, yeah
, I was.
I was listening to um like apodcast and it was saying that
that was a part ofaccountability.
Whatever trauma or whateverexperience you had, like because
of your parents, or whateveryou've experienced with them,
(29:41):
like through your upbringing, atsome point, you can't keep
pointing the finger at them youhave to heal.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
Yeah, and that's what they said.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
It's your responsibility to heal.
Like yeah, you went throughthat, but it's your
responsibility to take controlof your healing, that's right, I
I.
I definitely try to keep thatin the forefront.
Like all right, look, you arenot gonna be, because my mom
always has a saying like peoplejust know she'll be like oh,
(30:10):
people know how to fuck up kidsand I'm like mom, but or she'll
be like adults.
They're real good at fucking upkids like whenever so I kind of
have that in my background, likeso whenever something goes
wrong, I'm like, oh Lord, I'mgonna fuck up my kid like.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
I know what your mom means, though, and I did,
because it's true sometimes, butbecause you're so aware, lori,
like yo, your son gonna be good.
I hope he deals with life on hisown because of the way you show
up for him.
You are not fucking up your kid, you are not.
But your mama's right.
(30:56):
But the fact that we are evenhaving this conversation today,
let me tell you, you know, itjust speaks to the mother that
you are.
You know, because, listen, somefolk just be doing and not
thinking, and not even thinkingto make the next best decision,
and those are the people thatare fucking up these kids.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
So I can hear her, I hear her Look, when I get ready
to have my baby come be my doula, Like I don't know what kind of
Listen.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
You know, one of my goals is to be a travel doula,
because New York fits mypersonality, because I'm a mover
.
I be on a subway, you know I'mall over the place.
But I really do want to be atravel doula.
I see that in my future.
So keep me posted, okay.
My brother lives in Boyan.
My dad and my grandmother livein Delray.
(31:46):
I try to come home at leastevery four months, but keep me
posted, okay.
Okay, for real, for real.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Because I'm definitely like that's the
energy and support that we allshould have and I feel like it's
missing, especially when itcomes to motherhood, because
just your positivity.
I feel like somebody else whois feeling the same way that I'm
feeling they need to hear this,like yeah, you made a mistake
(32:18):
then, but you're going to stillshow up, like that's better than
being absent.
Like you can't stop because somedays I'll be honest Some days
I'm like what would I do?
Would he be better off if Ijust back off?
Like this transition right nowwith transitioning into middle
(32:38):
school, and like this shit istough, okay, and he's starting
to venture out and like exploredifferent groups and different
friends and his friends,whatever setup they have at home
, whatever situations they haveat home.
It's totally different fromwhat we have here Right.
(33:01):
So now he's trying to process.
Yeah, he's trying to processthat and whatever they have
going on at home, like some ofhis friends, they don't have
parents breathing down theirneck saying do this, do that,
you got chores, you got practice, you got this, you got that.
And now he's like I know hewants that freedom, right, and
(33:22):
he wants to be able to check outlike his friends, for the next
six to 12 hours and just zoneout on the game.
And me and dad we're not withthat shit, right.
So he's starting to compare andhe's starting to see those
differences.
And now we're starting to getthe pushback.
And my son he's a Scorpio.
(33:43):
On top of that, he's got myattitude.
Scorpio too.
Yeah, but he's got my attitude.
So you tell him something, youbetter stand on it, and he's
still going to ask why.
And if you can't and I knowwhere it comes from is not him
being disobedient?
(34:03):
Is more so really needing tounderstand the why behind the
direction that he's receiving.
And I'm the same way.
If I don't understand the why,I just chalk it up to and it
could be my ADHD, I just chalkit up to.
I guess that shit ain'timportant If you can, it's true.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
Children shouldn't know why.
Speaker 1 (34:26):
Yes, and then?
Speaker 2 (34:27):
I will say we probably.
I know, for me, I grew up witha do as I say it, not as I do.
But the truth is we're notpreparing them well, if we can,
if we're not at least trying toanswer the why, right?
And they're going to have to goout into this world and make
decisions of their own, and Ineed my children to know why.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
Yeah, and for me I was just dismissive, like as as
a kid I was stubborn, I wasdismissive.
So if you couldn't tell me thewhy, or if you couldn't take the
time out to explain why to me,if it wasn't that important for
you to explain why, it's notthat important for me to do it,
(35:06):
and that's a horrible attitudeto have, because I'm like so
many mistakes that I made, likeif you asked what, it just
listened, I told you.
But you know, years later it'slike, oh, that's why you said
that, like ooh, it was important, but my stubborn ass wouldn't
listen.
So now I take that because Isee that same attitude and him
(35:31):
like shit, you ain't saying why.
Moving on, so it's frustratingbecause I feel like if you just
listened to what I told you todo, life would be so easy for
you.
Like, I'm just trying to lay itout.
Life is going to be a struggle.
So any of those struggles thatI can encounter and like, take
(35:53):
on and get out of your way foryou so you can get that much
further ahead than what, what Iwas given, then you do that.
But he is going to fight meevery step of the way and I'm
just like, all right, you,you're about to learn the hard
way.
I think I said it last week.
Like you know what, I'm donewith the warnings.
(36:16):
Like you, you're about tofucking round and find out, like
I tried.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:25):
And listen and that's a part of it Like, look, I did
all that I can do.
You know, and, and you knowyou're going to have to learn,
you're going to have to learn.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
Absolutely.
But at least I guess now,taking things into perspective,
that you've said tonight is like, okay, I can feel a little less
guilty for, like, step back alittle bit.
He's got his own journey.
Let him, you know, figure itout on his own.
And when I do feel like I'm atthe point of spiraling, well,
(36:58):
guess what, let me just do onething.
That's, that's a good decision,right.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
Because I'm always telling that to him.
Speaker 1 (37:09):
Let me make that best decision, just one.
It could be whatever we eat fordinner tonight.
It could be going to getdessert because in like the last
couple of weeks we ohThanksgiving, we just came back
from Thanksgiving break and justbe it in the car on the road.
I know if my son could havebeen like, god damn it, he would
(37:33):
have.
And I'm like you know what, son, let's go get this ice cream
because you don't got on mynerves and I know I didn't got
on your nerves, like we oncollege.
Speaker 2 (37:45):
Okay, and that is the next best decision.
Sometimes I come home and I'mexhausted.
I'm like look, ted, I'm goingto take 30 minutes and go do
what I do.
And you go take 30 minutes todo what you do because we just
need to decompress Absolutelyand that might be 30 minutes of
Xbox for him.
You go ahead, because I need amoment, I need to drink.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
And I definitely, as much asI've like, put limitations on
the game because I think we justgot out of control.
Now, when he asked like todayyou did what you were supposed
to do.
Yeah, go get on the game andguess what?
I'm not even going to botheryou.
(38:30):
You want some pizza today?
You want something to drink?
Yes, I'm going to let you do you, because he does need that,
like the stuff that heencounters at school every day.
And then you got to go rightback to the bullshit.
And this is just fifth grade,this isn't you know.
He's not juggling children ofhis own and bills and workplace
(38:54):
stress and money issues and allof that stuff.
He's just going to school andhe's got all of these stressors.
So now I'm like you know what,I'm going to respect your time,
like you deserve that, and guesswhat?
It's going to make me feelbetter too, because I know I
need that time as well, and thenwe'll figure the rest out later
(39:19):
.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
But for now yeah, definitely so these kids are
doing it all.
We got to give them some credit, you know, for I don't know if
your son is an extracurricular,but he also does music with his
dad.
Sometimes he's recording.
He plays soccer.
We were at soccer four days outof the week.
Oh my gosh.
(39:40):
And then you know he hashomeschool on top of that.
Yeah, and you know I'm likehoney, take a break.
You know, like today we're notdoing anything, you know, and we
need that, and so do they,absolutely.
Speaker 1 (39:56):
Yeah, I agree my son is pretty busy.
But even that was like oh, youneed to be doing something, you
ain't just, I just want him tohave some skills.
I don't care, I don't care whathe does with it later.
Right now you don't have achoice.
It's my choice, I'm the parent.
But you know what?
(40:17):
If you decide not to touchanother piano after you know you
old enough to make thatdecision, then that's your
choice.
But at least you have a skillright and I just want to expose
him Different opportunities outthere and I don't want him to be
boxed in.
(40:38):
So you know, for him it's achore.
He's not thrilled about it.
But then on the flip side, Isee how much pride he takes into
Playing that piano in front ofother people and I don't care if
it's Mary had a little lamb, Idon't care if it's bingo.
(41:01):
He, you know, his chest ispoking out a little bit Further
and his head is a little bithigher while he's playing bingo
and I'm like, okay, you pop yourshit, son, like you know Over,
like, and you play the hell outof that bingo song like.
But this is why you do it.
(41:25):
And we, we went on vacation onOn Thanksgiving and I've just
been on him about if you want toget better, you have to
practice.
So it just so happens, theresort that we were at.
They had a common area.
It had a piano.
I'm like, oh, look at theuniverse, they want you to
practice.
And at first he was like I'mnot doing that in front of
(41:49):
people and I'm like, well, Iguess you're not gonna have any
iPhone chargers or iPad chargerseither.
Like I don't know what to tell.
You got a choice to make youwant to get on the piano or you
Want to not have an iPhonecharger for the rest of this
trip.
It's your choice, son.
So of course he got on, heplayed and the energy in the
(42:10):
room just changed Like it was somany kids hopping on that piano
, just making noise you know whypeople trying to vibe out and
relax in this common area.
And then he goes and hops onthe piano and it's beautiful
music coming out.
And he was just kind of playingit on the loop because he just
(42:30):
learned the song and that washis first time on the piano.
We've been practicing on akeyboard and Someone even came
up to him like that's sobeautiful, like you must
practice a lot.
And I'm like you see thedifference, don't you?
You see the kids just bangingon there making noise and you
(42:51):
got a room full of people, youknow, just Wanting to hear you
play more.
Because how relaxing andsoothing is that, like how nice
is that that you're developingthis talent, and that's what I
wanted him to see.
Like that, that's a gift.
He learns music so Quickly, helearns how to read the music so
(43:13):
quickly, and it's just like youtell him to play a note or read
a Music note or something on apiece of paper and he had like
you're trying to kill him andI'm like, well, oh well, when
you get your own house and youpay your own bills, then you
know you can decide not to playanymore.
Speaker 2 (43:30):
You might push in pushing him towards piano might
just pay his bills.
Speaker 1 (43:35):
Thanks, and that's what I'm not gonna tell you
teaching him to follow through.
Speaker 2 (43:38):
You know like.
Speaker 1 (43:40):
Yeah, that's what I didn't tell.
I'm like, you see, your musicteacher, like he's black, he's
young, and I'm like he's a boss,like it.
I've been seeing so many peopleyou know Times are rough right
now financially, like everyoneis in a pinch, everybody is
trying to find a side hustle andwe went to publics one day and
(44:04):
there's this guy and the musicwas so loud.
He had like a saxophone orsomething and the music was so
loud.
He had an amplifier, somehowsome way connected to this like
saxophone, and he had a posterboard girl with a QR code on it
and when you pass by you can Zaphim like he had his cash shop
(44:29):
on there.
This QR code was for cash out.
This QR code was for Venmo.
I heard that and I'm like, oh mygosh, that is so Smart.
I'm like you see that talent,like he just has an amp.
He has no nine to five, nobodybreathing down his neck, or
maybe we found out later on hehad.
(44:50):
He was a music teacher and he'slike, oh, he just comes to the
big city he was calling boy andlike the big city.
He comes to the big city onFridays and just plays in the
plazas and people just sell himmoney.
Speaker 2 (45:03):
I'm like I love that right.
I love that it sounds like hebelong on one of these subway
stations.
Yeah, we see that all the timehere.
But listen, I love that becausethat's the hustle.
You know you got to use yourskills, yeah, to elevate
yourself, and I tell he's atthat too, especially with soccer
.
I might look.
(45:24):
I know you see yourself on thefield, but there's so many other
careers that you can get into.
Think about coaching, thinkabout being a you know, physical
therapist for soccer players.
Think about all that.
Think about all the otherthings that come into an actual
soccer game.
You don't just need the players.
There's so many other,absolutely other professions are
(45:45):
tied, tied to that.
Speaker 1 (45:47):
So yeah, but they have to see it.
And I just realized my son,like all his coaches and stuff,
somehow.
I mean, we didn't set it upthis way, but they are black men
and I'm like I sat back one daymaybe, like last week,
scrolling through my phonebecause I always take a picture
of him doing something I'm likeshit, everybody's butt like this
(46:10):
is so beautiful because hedoesn't get that at school.
You know, I don't think he has.
He had one teacher.
There's one teacher at theschool who's a black male, but
you know, it's black men Ineducation.
Those are unicorns, that's whatwe call them?
Yes, they are unicorn, right, sohe doesn't get to see that.
(46:31):
But here it is.
He goes to piano.
He's got a, a black teacherwho's a male.
He goes to basketball.
His coach is black and hiscoach is amazing and so
professional and he's so youngand for the first time last week
, my coach, my son, was like oh,I think I want to be, I think
(46:51):
I'm going to coach basketball.
And I'm like, yeah, that's whatit's about.
Like that's what it's for.
So you can see.
Um, who else piano?
Oh, of course, dad.
Like dad is there in the fort.
Dad is like Superman.
He does everything.
If he doesn't know how to do it, he's going to figure it out
(47:11):
right.
So I'm always worried because Iknow, when I was growing up, all
the stuff that my mom did.
I'm like shoot, I can't do thestuff that she was.
Like that's too much pressureto do.
You know, carry the load, howmy mom carried the load, and I
don't know how she carried theload as a single mom with just
me and my sister.
So sometimes I worry that we'resetting these examples and
(47:34):
making him feel like, oh, that'stoo much pressure.
But at the same time I'm like no, I want you to be inspired.
You need to see people who looklike you Doing these things so
you don't put those limits onyourself.
So when I see you on your page,I'm like, damn, I wonder who
(47:55):
inspired you To be a doula,because guess what?
We didn't have people like that, like in our face, telling us
that these were opportunities is, I feel, like Our generation.
We kind of found those thingsby chance, like later on in life
, right?
(48:16):
So I think it's awesome thatwe're able to expose our kids to
these things so young, becauseit's they're not going to be
like a deer in the headlights,like we were you know that's,
that's so awesome, so I'm sothankful, I'm so thankful.
Speaker 2 (48:33):
And for heptap, for him it's just like he's actually
not used to being the onlyblack child.
He's used to there being onlyblack children.
So I wonder what his journey isgoing to be like that.
I'm gonna Prepare him as bestas I can, because my childhood
was the opposite right.
I was In gifted classes andthings like that and used to
(48:56):
being the only chocolate chip inthe cookie.
Um, for him, you know it's,it's totally different.
It's totally different.
But I know that, um, soccer isgoing to be that eye opener for
him.
But I still want to, um,encourage him, keep going, keep
going, going and like you, youknow you, you belong that that
(49:17):
pwi and I want him to know thathe belongs In that arena as well
, no matter what he chooses todo.
Speaker 1 (49:24):
Yeah, whatever he wants to go for sure.
Um, what is the best advicethat you have been given as a
mom?
Hmm.
Speaker 2 (49:36):
Um, I'm gonna say two things.
One, don't be afraid to ask forhelp, okay.
And two, um, take time for self, because it makes you a better
mother.
And I think back to some of thetimes where I was struggling
(49:57):
the most Was where I was takingcare of myself the least.
Um, so I'm very adamant aboutBooking a massage for myself.
Um, today the first half of myday was for me.
I woke up late, I went to thegym, got my lashes did, okay,
(50:19):
you know, but I'm very, I'm very, um, I'm not adamant about
taking care of myself, becausewhen I don't, that's when I'm
snapping at my children, that'swhen I am on edge, that's when I
am not able to smile as much asI would like, is those moments
(50:40):
where I'm not taking care ofmyself and I feel like it has
clicked now, at the age of 35.
When I am taking care of myself, I'm able to show up better for
my children.
I can be on those sidelineslike, yeah, tap, kick into the
goal, let's go, I'm ready, mytank is full.
(51:01):
When I keep my tank full, I'mshowing up better for my
children, also, not being afraidto ask for help.
I think the 21-year-old Simonethat was pregnant with her first
child, was very afraid to askfor help.
I was afraid of a lot of things.
But now I pick up their phonelike, look, I need you to pick
up her tap at six o'clock todaybecause, whatever, whatever, I
(51:26):
need a moment, I'm going to havedrinks with my friends,
whatever it is, I thinkespecially black women, because
we are not given the same spaceas these white mamas that got
nans and this and that we haveto carve out that time for
ourselves and not have guiltabout it.
Speaker 1 (51:44):
Yeah, absolutely.
I just talked to a friend ofmine today.
One of the goals that I set formyself just to try to reclaim
some of that time, but it's sohard to even get there.
One of the goals that I set formyself was for next year.
I either want to make sure Ihave a housekeeper or like a
(52:08):
personal assistant.
It's got to be one or the other, because I got to do what's in
my budget right now, but wereserve a life of convenience.
Speaker 2 (52:22):
Yeah, we really do.
I don't do um lately, I don'tdo my laundry.
Okay, yeah, I dropped it offand pick it up now because I
work so much.
Yeah, and I'm like that little,I mean it's not crazy um the
amount, but I'm like you knowwhat, even if it was small, take
that little sacrifice foryourself, Correct, because I'd
(52:43):
rather take a nap and letsomebody else handle that for me
so that again I can better showup for my children.
If I have to, you know,sacrifice a pair of shoes, that
I want somebody else to do mylaundry, please, you know,
because I need to fill my tank.
I don't feel like being tiredin the laundry mat, and here in
New York we don't have washerand dryer.
If you have washer and dryer inyour apartment or in your home,
(53:07):
that's like a super luxury.
Speaker 1 (53:09):
We got to go down the block and around the corner.
Speaker 2 (53:12):
But things like that.
You deserve a housekeeper and Igot one a couple months ago.
You know, somebody come overmonthly and just help a sister
out, you know.
And these other women, whitewomen they do not blink an eye
for things like that.
I saw a video.
So I'm going to hold youaccountable.
You're going to give a messagefrom me like this you got the
(53:32):
housekeeper, yet I just my goalhas been to get it, get the
housekeeper and, you know,maintain it Right.
Speaker 1 (53:43):
I don't want to start and then stop.
But I'm like, no, it is eithergoing to be the housekeeper or
the personal assistant, becauseI work a full time job.
Then I started my own businessand you know you have to be in
the forefront of the business inthe actual business side of
things, because I deal withinsurance.
(54:04):
I have to do that.
So it's like, look, I need to.
Like lately I've been feelinglike I need a clone, like
somebody has to pick my son up,somebody has to take to these
extracurriculars, somebody hasto show up to work and then
somebody has to handle thepaperwork side of the business
(54:24):
and then somebody still has tocook and clean.
Like wait a minute, who's goingto?
Who's going to do all that?
Speaker 2 (54:30):
I'm going to get you hired to help.
That's the third, you know.
That's the part of not beingafraid to ask for help.
Take the help, whatever it isyou know we deserve.
Speaker 1 (54:42):
Yeah, there was a mom on social media Like if I
didn't have a housekeeper, Iwould not be a happy mom.
I couldn't enjoy motherhood andI'm like that is true, like it
makes a difference to to have.
I want to be able to pick andchoose the things.
Like I am finding myself alittle happier now when I do
(55:07):
have time on the weekends tohelp my son, like clean his room
or organize the room ordeclutter, because I'm like you
know what this is, a privilegethat I haven't had in a long
time.
Like trying to go throughschool, raise kids, be a wife,
be a mom, figure myself out.
(55:29):
Like cleaning takes the backburner because guess, what these
?
bills got to get paid right, yougot to.
You got to be fed, you got toeat.
So now that I'm getting like alittle more control of my life,
I like being able to get thecleaning bucket and like wake up
in the morning and kind of showmy son like look, this is how
(55:50):
you clean your room.
You need to dust.
You need to because for so longI wasn't able to do that.
But also looking at the likemany disasters all around the
house because I startedsomething and had to move on to
something else and couldn'tfinish, I'm like you owe it to
yourself to come home to a cleanhouse.
(56:11):
You owe it to yourself to comehome as hard as you were.
You owe it to yourself to comehome to an organized house.
Speaker 2 (56:19):
Every day.
Speaker 1 (56:20):
So that that's one of the goals that I set for myself
.
It's either the housekeeperwhich I'm leaning towards, the
housekeeper, or, like the, thetedious stuff that I feel like,
oh my gosh, you consuming, it'sconsuming so much in my day.
I need to delegate that tosomebody Like I don't.
I need to reclaim my timebecause I did start going to
(56:43):
those yoga classes in the middleof the day and in the morning,
and you would be surprised.
This is the norm for some people, like oh, hello, hello, nice,
so you just come here every day.
Like I started making friends,started seeing different moms
and daughters going to like yogatogether every morning and I'm
(57:08):
like okay, I can do this, thisis nice.
Speaker 2 (57:12):
I'm so happy you're doing that.
I'm so happy.
Speaker 1 (57:15):
Yeah, and you have to , because we are going to burn
out.
I feel like, whatever this is,whatever season, whatever
economy that we have inheritedas millennials like we, we
getting the short end of thestick here, right.
So we need to really reclaimthat space and that time because
(57:36):
, like you said, you know we, wedon't have a lot of time.
Speaker 2 (57:40):
tomorrow isn't promised, it really is not, it
really is not, and we, they'reareas of our life that deserve
convenience.
So I'm right there with you,like, look like I said I don't
do my laundry anymore, somebodyelse does.
Awesome, I'm moving towards,you know, a life of convenience.
Yeah, it's time.
It is time and I'm doing it formy ancestors.
(58:04):
Look, we done, did a lot.
Hello, I'm resting for myancestors.
Speaker 1 (58:11):
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
So I I would love for us tolike just keep in touch more
than we have leading up to nowand just kind of come home, I'm
gonna, I'm gonna reach out.
Okay, definitely, because I thisis like, uh, the breath of
(58:32):
fresh air that I needed.
I'm so happy that you were ableto make time for the show
because I have been telling myhusband like moms are busy, you
know so the rescheduling I haveso many moms that one they
either reschedule or two.
I've been having moms tell mestraight up Like I don't have
(58:53):
time for that Cause I, you know,I have my hit list and I kind
of go through, and a lot of momshave been like you know, I
think it's great, but I don'thave time for that, I won't be
able to do that, and I'm like,okay, I respect that, thank you
for letting me know, and we justkind of go on from there.
So, even the podcast beingaudio and not visual, you know,
(59:15):
moms are on the move.
We have some moms who have kids, so it's such a relief to do
the show and they're like it'snot video, is it?
I'm like nope.
It's just don't even worry aboutall that extra pressure and
stress of like being on camera,being on video.
Nope, just send me a pictureand we'll go from there, because
(59:38):
it's what's convenient, right,and?
And we juggle so much.
So if we can make somethingeasier for ourselves, why not,
you know?
And and make it easier now.
So I definitely appreciate youcoming on the show.
Speaker 2 (59:55):
You're so welcome.
It's such an honor to be here.
It was so, so nice to speak toyou.
I'm like, oh my gosh, it's Lori, and thank you for being
flexible with me too.
I know it took a little bit oftime, but I'm so honored I'm,
I'm, I love this, I love thisand you keep doing what you
(01:00:15):
doing.
Okay, I love it.
Representing Delray and theteam, thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:00:23):
So yes, um, do you have a way for listeners if they
want to reach out to you for,like, do a little services or to
ask you questions?
Um, do you have a way for thelisteners to get in touch with
you?
Speaker 2 (01:00:40):
Absolutely, I can be found on Instagram at monidula.
That's M O N I E D O U L A.
Monidula, you can shoot me a DM?
Um.
A lot of times I post thingsthat I'm doing on there.
I was recently at a rally for amom we lost in Brooklyn, but I
(01:01:02):
like to try my best to keep folkinformed.
Um, but yeah, that's where Ican be found monidula on
Instagram.
Okay.
Speaker 1 (01:01:11):
Well, I will definitely keep in touch Um.
We'll definitely post thatcontact information as well, and
thank you again for your time.
I really appreciate it this wasso much so welcome.
All right, have a good one.
Hey everyone, it's yourfavorite BCB AD here, dr Doloran
(01:01:31):
, and I'm here to ask you tohelp us continue making great
content for listeners everywhereby visiting wwwforshittymomscom
, where you can make a monthlycontribution.
Also, visit us on Instagram,youtube, facebook and TikTok at
(01:01:52):
Foreshitty Moms.
And that shitty with an X, notan I.
This episode of FSM is brought to you by Fidelity
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Fidelity Behavioral Alliancecreates behavior change programs
for schools, parents andorganizations looking to reduce
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(00:20):
Find out more atwwwfidelitybehavioralalliancecom
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That's S-H-X-T-M-O-M atgmailcom.
(00:44):
It's time to put the kids to bed, so y'all get ready for another
episode of For Shitty Moms.
Hey everyone, this is part twoof a two-part series, so if you
haven't listened to part one, goahead and stream that on your
favorite platform.
I'll tell anybody.
(01:05):
I became a science teacherbecause at that point I failed
so many damn science classes.
Hell, I can't teach the classbecause I've taken it about ten
times.
I can teach all these scienceclasses because I've failed them
so many times.
But it took me to fail achemistry course and I had to
(01:29):
retake it in the summer and Iended up with a black adjunct
professor, and from there herexamples were so relatable I
will tell any and everybody.
Once she started relatingchemistry to relaxers that you
(01:50):
put in your hair as a blackwoman, that shit started
clicking like this Listen, we'regonna understand that.
Give me some concrete examplesthat I've seen in my life Right
and that's how I learned aboutbalancing chemical equations and
chemical bonds and all of thatand I never have gotten it,
(02:12):
that's right, you got toneutralize and shift, Hello.
But it's those instances whereI'm like those are those pivotal
moments.
It was like, okay, I can dothis because once it clicked, I
was no longer that failingstudent.
Right, I didn't fail.
Those shitty ass teachers failedbecause they couldn't give me
(02:36):
anything that I could identifywith, right, but I'm still here
in this space where they're nottrying to make you feel welcome.
So you know, those were justgen ed courses.
Then you get into your majorand your concentration and these
caddy ass girls who have doneall this prep and probably went
(02:58):
to private schools their wholelives and now they're competing
with their GPAs and their gradeswith me and one of my best
friends to this day.
We met each other at theUniversity of Florida.
Both of us were failing thesame class, Like shit, I don't
belong here.
(03:19):
And somebody was like oh, I gota friend, you might want to
study with her Bitch.
We both failing, how we goingshe failing the class, I'm
failing the class and somehow wegot together and we were just
blowing that shit out of thewater and it was so many girls
who just could not stand it tothe point where, oh, you crammed
(03:43):
for that test.
Well, I'm going to go talk tothe professor about what,
Because I outscored.
But yeah, they had thataudacity to let me know, Like
you don't deserve to get thatgrade.
Really, how would you know?
So it's these things that weencountered, as you know, very,
(04:06):
very young adults and collegestudents, and that just kind of
shaped my attitude to you.
Know what I'm going to be inthese spaces?
It's going to make peopleuncomfortable and I still have
to be successful.
And no, they're not going totry to help you.
Right, that was my take on it.
(04:27):
You're not going to get thehelp you deserve it.
You're not going to get it.
And if somebody else were inyour same position, but they
don't look like you guess what?
They're going to get the helpand you're going to be forced to
even help them at times.
How are you going to navigatethat space?
Because that is the reality ofa black woman, anywhere, I don't
(04:50):
care what industry you're in.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Yeah, it's so true, Lori, it's so true, Absolutely.
Listen, even at our age it'sstill happening and I know.
You see it day to day.
I see it.
I even see it in birth work.
Like I mentioned, we've beendoing this forever.
Black women have been doulasbefore.
We wanted to be doulas.
(05:14):
It was just what we had to doto survive in a way.
But some of these trainings Iwalk into some of these meetings
most of the birth workers willbe white, speaking for us and
it's like whoa, whoa, sis.
You know, like your sister,what's happening here.
(05:35):
You know like this is ours,You're taking what's ours and I
just commend you for making itin those spaces.
And truly, truly, I'm stuck inbetween, like we just gonna send
all of our kids to HBCUs, andthe truth is we live in this
country and we deserve to be inthose spaces.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Right and I always tell people, like, look, I
always had so many friends whogave me so much shit for going
to UF and not fam or like anHBCU.
And it's like, look, thedifference is, when you go to a
PWI, you are reminded every daythat you're black, every class,
(06:22):
every tutoring session, becausethe professor isn't going to
talk to you why you are anotherseat and in their eyes you're
taking somebody's seat who couldbe more productive and more
successful and more useful.
Right, so it's not like youforgot that you were black.
You can't, you can't forgetthat you're black at a PWI
(06:44):
because they're not going to letyou.
So I always hear like, evenwhen we would go visit, say for
homecoming, it was just so niceto be able to breathe and be
surrounded by people who looklike you and I hear that from a
lot of my friends who are black,who travel to other countries,
(07:09):
and they they're like.
You know, I've never been tothis country before, but I just
felt safe because I wassurrounded by people who look
like me.
And how nice is that to wake upand go outside and everybody
looks like you, like you don'tstand for once.
You don't stand out like a sorethumb Like and I got that my
(07:32):
husband, he's Haitian and whenwe went to Haiti I'm like, I
felt home.
I felt like I was at home, likeGod.
This is a nice feeling, likewalking through the A way to
grow up.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
Right, what a place to call home.
That's really dope.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
Yeah, it was just like this is not like I can get
used to this.
Just going anywhere andeverybody looks like me you
don't even know that I'm notfrom here.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
I want to go to Ghana very soon and I'm like, look
y'all don't be bad if I don'tcome back.
I'm a god, there's my Amadou.
It'd be good for life, you know, because it's so true, those
places feel like home and Ireally think we deserve those
spaces, to deserve all thespaces, because, if you ask me,
(08:23):
black folk created all this.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
So.
So how do you prepare your sonfor that?
I know he's in the home school,but eventually he's going to
come to a point where both ofthem are going to come to a
place where they are no longerin those spaces.
And and what?
Speaker 2 (08:45):
do you do?
You know that's a good question, laurie and I ask myself that
often, and I feel like we'regoing to be traveling soon, in
the next three months, and Ifeel like that is going to be
one of headsets, wake up calls,because when we do go to Europe
for his soccer training, I havea feeling we're going to be the
(09:07):
only black family.
So this is going to be aconversation to be had for sure.
But for now, what I all I pourinto my children, that they are
capable, that they are amazing.
I just pour, pour a lot of loveinto them, but at the same time
(09:28):
, I'm very real.
I'm very, very real with themtoo.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
Okay.
So I feel like you also fallinto that super positive, super
mom category.
Like, do you have those timeswhere you have your shitty mom
moments where it's like, oh myGod, what am I doing?
Like, oh, I'm sorry, Glory.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
Girl.
Yes, Co-parenting is not alwayseasy.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
And I had a moment this morning where I was just
like, and we're not going tofeed into that, oh, okay, but
it's true I have shitty mommoments and I just have to
remind myself that I am onlyaccountable for what I do, okay,
and how I react.
And then also, I'm an exampleto my children.
(10:22):
I really try to be the bestexample I can be.
Definitely, something that isimportant to me is allowing my
children to feel how they feelOkay.
I recently lost a friend andHattap was home with me when I
found out and I was just notokay.
(10:44):
I was crying all day and one ofmy friends asked me well, isn't
Hattap home with you?
What about him?
And I said you know what heneeds to see me like this
Because in a way, I'm giving himpermission to feel, because one
day he may lose a friend and Idon't want him to bottle that
(11:04):
shit up.
I want him to be able to sayyou know what I feel?
Terrible, I'm sad, I feeldepressed or whatever it is.
So I don't really hide a lotfrom my children.
They know who their mom is,they know when I'm dealing with
something.
I'm very real with them.
Yeah, and as far asco-parenting goes, lord, lord,
(11:31):
as wonderful as my children are,I do have tough moments with
their dads.
But again, I'm very seriousabout not talking bad about the
other parent.
I want my children to build therelationship with their fathers
on their own and they'll seeand feel about their dads how
(11:52):
they do.
But, lord, it's the struggle.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
So what happens when you fall short?
How do you do you self-correct?
Do you talk to them?
I do.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
I apologize to my children.
I do.
I'm big on that Because I wantthem to know that it's important
for them to apologize too.
You may offend people, you mayrub people the wrong way, things
may happen, you may makemistakes, but face it head on.
But I tell them mommy, I'mreally sorry, mommy snapped at
(12:26):
you.
It's just been a tough day andI'm going to take 15 minutes to
go take a breather and we'regoing to get through this.
That's straight up how I talkto my kids and I ask them how
they're feeling.
Something happened in school.
How did that make you feel Likethat?
(12:47):
Huh?
What you going to do about itnext time, right?
Speaker 1 (12:51):
See, I've been trying to reel it in Because I feel
like once I realized my son kindof had me on that pedestal, I'm
like, ooh, son, let me loweryour expectations.
Like he had mommy on thispedestal.
Mommy doesn't make mistakes,Mommy doesn't do anything wrong.
And I'm like, whoa, let me fixthat.
(13:13):
Right now I'm trying to dial itback because I feel like even
that like I have so many outsidestressors just juggling a lot
Like girl, that cannot be yourcrutch, that you know you behave
in this way because of stressor because of this or because of
(13:36):
that, Because then I don't wanthim to start using that as an
excuse.
Oh I'm stressed out, so I didthis.
Oh I'm stressed out, so I didthat.
That's real, yeah.
So I've been trying to reel itback in, but I've also, during
the process, I've also been kindof coaching him through it as I
(13:58):
coach myself through it.
So I'll let him know like no,mommy's not perfect.
Actually, I'm working on itbecause I shouldn't be doing
that.
So I'm going to try to do X, Y,Z, Like I you know my behavior
therapy brain kind of kicks inwhen it wants to and I always
tell him like no, I need toreplace that behavior with
(14:21):
something else, because that'snot okay Like I did it.
I was upset, I feel how I feel,but that wasn't the right
reaction.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
I have.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
I need to do better.
So I've been trying to holdmyself accountable in that way,
because I want him to see no,I'm not perfect, but this is how
you kind of navigate your waywhen you make a mistake, right,
and sometimes you can't fixthose mistakes.
So you don't think sorry isgoing to fix it all the time,
(14:51):
because it doesn't.
It's not.
We need to see a change ofaction.
Yeah, absolutely.
So I've been trying to holdmyself accountable in that way.
A huge one for me is likehaving those explosive reactions
and then my mouth oh, my gosh,the curse words.
(15:16):
Like I'm even.
Like I said that's going to beone of my new year's resolutions
.
I haven't really talked aboutit, I'm trying to mentally
prepare, but like I, I got tostop cursing.
Like I just need to just get it.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
It's a balancing right, lori, because somebody
said this to me and I'm likeyou're right.
Like curse words is just like alittle season, you know, for
your conversation.
You know it's like we need likea mother.
Sometimes it's just what it isShit, damn it, no.
(15:54):
At the same time, it's aboutbalance.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
Right now I'm off balance.
I'm out this pretty recklessYou're like a failure, right,
I'm like, oh boy, like the lastjob that I had, I think it just
I don't know working for theschool district, I accepted a
position that was like way morestressful than like I had to
(16:22):
have that come to Jesus momentwith myself.
Like, girl, you are 30, youlook 40, like you're probably
going to die from stress.
Like, literally, I was going tothe ER like I think I'm having
a heart attack, I think I'mhaving a stroke, and it was
stress.
So I left one job and traded itfor like another toxic ass job
(16:48):
and, like I said, between likethe workplace discrimination and
the racism and theinstitutional ized racism, it
was just like I had hit my limitand I would come home like
asking my husband, like are theyfucking with me?
Like am I crazy?
Because it will make you feelcrazy, and I feel like that's
(17:08):
when it started and I have sinceleft there.
But those residual responses,like now those F bombs just drop
and they just keep dropping andkeep dropping and I'm like, oh
Lord, like make it stop.
(17:28):
Like I tell everybody I have Ihave a oh, you probably remember
her, my best friend Ebony, likeshe's super positive, like you
super positive, and I'm like soI have an angel that's like my
best friend on one side.
But then I got this Kevin HartSamuel L Jackson angel on the
other side and it's just don'tlet Lauren say I'll encourage it
(17:54):
.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
I'm like, look, that's the doula and me.
I'm like, look, if you need tocuss during this birth screen,
girl, it's your birth.
What you need to say to getthis baby out.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
I love that, but it's like my son is bad.
When he walks around goingmoney language, I'm like, okay,
okay, okay.
So you know, right now he's mylittle prompt, my little SD to
be like, oh, reel it in, likeyou didn't drop too many, reel
(18:27):
it in so right now, like thoseare my challenges, just try and
not to be so reactive.
And I feel like when I watchyour videos online, whatever
you're doing, if it's alive, ifit's a reel, I'm just like damn,
I want that like you, just lookhappy, like your kids look
(18:47):
happy, you're just sometimesyou'll wake up and I'll see a
video and it's just you dancinglike shit.
I feel good today I'm a dancelike I love that.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
I love.
I love that you love it.
I'm gonna keep it going.
I'm gonna keep it going.
But the truth is we have tohold on to joy.
We deal with so much bullshit.
It's like women, as mothers,like we owe it to ourselves not
to let nobody bring stress toour lives.
Truly, like and I don't know,you know where it started with
(19:21):
me I feel like I've always beena happy person, but I really, as
as I become older, like I don'tplay about it, like okay, I'm
one of those people like don'tbring no stress around me, honey
, don't bring that around me.
Going over there with that,like I'm allergic to it.
Truly, because we deal with somuch, you know, in, life truly
is short.
I don't know if you knew this,but I lost my mom at six years
(19:44):
old.
I didn't know that she was 29and also I lost a friend in
October and it just put thingsin perspective for me that we
can literally be here today andgo on tomorrow.
We lost mr Johnson, um, a coupleyears ago, and it's just like
life is not promised and ifanything, I'm gonna enjoy this
(20:08):
shit to the wheels fall off yeahyou know, I'm gonna laugh, I'm
gonna eat, I'm gonna be married,I'm gonna enjoy my children,
I'm gonna have fun with them,because the truth is, I could be
going next week yeah um, and Idon't take that lightly at all,
I really don't so how do youdeal with the challenges of
motherhood?
Speaker 1 (20:29):
like I know you're, you're vigilant with your joy,
but when it comes to your kids,I feel like we all have that,
that switch right and everybodyis like mama, bear and
everything else.
So how do you maintain that joyand that same energy and how do
(20:49):
you keep things in perspectivewhen it comes to, like,
parenting and challenges withyour kids specifically?
Speaker 2 (20:56):
oh, that's true because I, that's one thing.
I don't get angry often, butwhen I do is usually about my
kids.
Okay, um, reeling it in.
It's tough, um, but I've alsohad to realize, you know,
there's only but so muchprotecting, like it is my, my
oldest calling me now um,there's only but so much
(21:17):
protecting that we can do.
Okay, um, and each of us haveour own journey.
So I have to remind myself ofthat.
I can't protect them fromeverything, but while I'm here,
I don't play about my kids.
Um, head to head phone isactually connected to my, to
where somebody texts him.
I can see it.
Um, not necessarily that didn'thappen on purpose, I don't know
(21:40):
how, but when I added his linefor his birthday, um, whoever
texts him, I can see it and Iain't gonna change it.
I like that.
Yeah, I like that.
One of one of his littlefriends was texting him like
I'ma beat you up, i'ma beat youand I I hop right in that text
(22:01):
oh, this is head taps, mom, andyou're gonna keep your hands to
yourself because we don't fight.
And then I text head on theside.
I said if you need to block him, please do, because I I'll go.
I get crazy, okay, like I'mreal, you know, but the funny
thing is I've never been in afight in my life, so I'm telling
(22:22):
you, the person that I lethands on is gonna get a whole
lot baby.
Don't let it be nobody but mykid, i'ma tell.
Tell you a new one, I swear.
But um, it's all about balanceit's all about balance, but I
will, yeah, and they're, they'redead.
No, I don't play about thembecause if anybody he's gotten
(22:50):
cussed out.
I was just like don't make himlike the sucker again yeah, they
usually catch the wrath.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Uh, yeah, I feel like that that's accurate.
They usually get it and youknow they have to adjust
accordingly.
I, I can see that.
I can see that.
Um, what was I gonna say?
So you, definitely okay.
So I, I like asking my mom'sthis and I'm just interested to
(23:22):
see.
I'm just going through thequestions, but so I kind of
coined the term shitty momsyndrome, where you just have
like that guilt, or like youstart going through those
seasons where it's like I justcan't get it right, like what am
I doing wrong or what?
How can I make it better?
(23:42):
I'm failing at everything, likethis sucks right.
So when you find yourself inthose seasons, how do you push
through it?
Speaker 2 (23:52):
oh, that's tough, um.
I thought about that thismorning with PJ, my older son,
being with his dad.
Something I struggle with is Idon't ever want him to look back
and say my mom gave me away ormy mom abandoned me, um, and my,
my stepmother kind of broughtit back home for me.
(24:12):
It's like, simone, you do somuch for him, even even when you
all are not together, you do somuch for him, um, it's tough.
It's tough, um, and I I wrestlewith that all the time, but I
know that I made that decisionbecause I did not want to be a
selfish parent.
I also didn't want him to lookback and say, ma, you never let
(24:35):
me get to know and be with myfather, okay, um, and I didn't
want.
So it's like that's huge, yeahit's like you know where?
where am I gonna fall in that,in that story, in that journey?
And I'm just like Simone, youjust have to continue to show up
and do your best.
And that's the same thing I sayto my clients when they're
(24:56):
struggling with breastfeeding,or it's a first time mom and
she's not confident about herability to take this baby home
and take care of it, I'm like,look, sis, it's, you are not
trying, you are doing, becauseit's either you do or you don't.
You know, um, and like it'sreally, sometimes it's not a day
(25:16):
at a time, sometimes it'sliterally a moment at a time but
, um, I've heard this before andI say it to myself all the time
Simone, just make the next bestdecision.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
Don't think about years from now, because that
might be too overwhelming, butfor today, as a mother, and for
yourself, make the next bestdecision, I love that I feel
like this is therapeutic,because I'm usually I'm that
high strong, like if somethingdoesn't go right, like it's I'm
(25:50):
again, the it's the end of theworld, and usually I'm that high
strong mom.
That's like if something iswrong with my kid or if I feel
like I'm missing the mark, andusually it's that mom guilt of
if my son is missing the mark,then I feel like my son is
(26:14):
missing the mark because ofsomething that I did wrong, so I
struggle with that a lot.
So I love that you're sayinglike make the next best decision
, because that could be anythingand you really can't go back in
time either.
So we can't go back in time, wecan't, we cannot we really, you
(26:39):
know sometimes you make thosemistakes and you can't erase
them.
They're just there and I thinkmy biggest thing has always been
like I don't want to inflicttrauma, but yeah, usually, um,
with you saying make the nextbest decision.
That's, I guess, the reminderthat I need for my damn self.
Um, because some days I feellike oh, girl, you like oh and
(27:04):
three, right now, you mishandledthat, you mishandled this one,
you, you mishandled that.
Like what are you doing?
And it just makes it.
And it's usually those dayswhere something is probably
already wrong and then I'm juststill misstepping or if I see
(27:26):
that he's not being successfulin an area like I take that to
heart.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
But, like you said, they all have their own journey
they really do, and this issomething I've gotten from my
stepmom, and she told me thatthis morning, um, because I was
upset about something pertainingto my older son, and she said
you know what, simone?
He has his own journey andyou're doing the best you can,
(27:57):
and that's where it's gonna haveto fall, because we can't
control everything you know,there are gonna be some
unsatisfactory experiences thatour children have.
As knowledgeable and educated weare as mothers, they're still
gonna have to deal with somebullshit in this country as
black men we cannot stop it.
Um, but as long as we continueto show up for them, even when
(28:18):
we're fucking up, and we'restill showing up, that's a good
ass job, if you want.
Okay, because I look back.
You know, I lost my mother atsix years old.
My dad was mourning the loss ofhis wife and I looked back and
that man was still showing up.
I was coming to Bang and Creep,mixed match socks, ponytails,
(28:39):
you know but listen, I commendhim because that was hard.
You have to raise your twochildren without her right.
And that man didn't he?
You know, I look back and hehad some, some things that he
attached himself to to put aband aid on the situation.
And I just look back and I say,daddy, I see you you know, I
(29:01):
see you and and and I get it.
You know, and I'm not.
I used to be angry, but nowthat I'm a mama I'm not angry
about it, no more.
I did it.
He did the best he could, yeah,with what he had, and now I
have my own journey.
I can't blame shit on the shiton that man.
Speaker 1 (29:17):
I'm grown now I gotta do what I gotta do, right, yeah
, I was.
I was listening to um like apodcast and it was saying that
that was a part ofaccountability.
Whatever trauma or whateverexperience you had, like because
of your parents, or whateveryou've experienced with them,
(29:41):
like through your upbringing, atsome point, you can't keep
pointing the finger at them youhave to heal.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
Yeah, and that's what they said.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
It's your responsibility to heal.
Like yeah, you went throughthat, but it's your
responsibility to take controlof your healing, that's right, I
I.
I definitely try to keep thatin the forefront.
Like all right, look, you arenot gonna be, because my mom
always has a saying like peoplejust know she'll be like oh,
(30:10):
people know how to fuck up kidsand I'm like mom, but or she'll
be like adults.
They're real good at fucking upkids like whenever so I kind of
have that in my background, likeso whenever something goes
wrong, I'm like, oh Lord, I'mgonna fuck up my kid like.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
I know what your mom means, though, and I did,
because it's true sometimes, butbecause you're so aware, lori,
like yo, your son gonna be good.
I hope he deals with life on hisown because of the way you show
up for him.
You are not fucking up your kid, you are not.
But your mama's right.
(30:56):
But the fact that we are evenhaving this conversation today,
let me tell you, you know, itjust speaks to the mother that
you are.
You know, because, listen, somefolk just be doing and not
thinking, and not even thinkingto make the next best decision,
and those are the people thatare fucking up these kids.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
So I can hear her, I hear her Look, when I get ready
to have my baby come be my doula, Like I don't know what kind of
Listen.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
You know, one of my goals is to be a travel doula,
because New York fits mypersonality, because I'm a mover
.
I be on a subway, you know I'mall over the place.
But I really do want to be atravel doula.
I see that in my future.
So keep me posted, okay.
My brother lives in Boyan.
My dad and my grandmother livein Delray.
(31:46):
I try to come home at leastevery four months, but keep me
posted, okay.
Okay, for real, for real.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Because I'm definitely like that's the
energy and support that we allshould have and I feel like it's
missing, especially when itcomes to motherhood, because
just your positivity.
I feel like somebody else whois feeling the same way that I'm
feeling they need to hear this,like yeah, you made a mistake
(32:18):
then, but you're going to stillshow up, like that's better than
being absent.
Like you can't stop because somedays I'll be honest Some days
I'm like what would I do?
Would he be better off if Ijust back off?
Like this transition right nowwith transitioning into middle
(32:38):
school, and like this shit istough, okay, and he's starting
to venture out and like exploredifferent groups and different
friends and his friends,whatever setup they have at home
, whatever situations they haveat home.
It's totally different fromwhat we have here Right.
(33:01):
So now he's trying to process.
Yeah, he's trying to processthat and whatever they have
going on at home, like some ofhis friends, they don't have
parents breathing down theirneck saying do this, do that,
you got chores, you got practice, you got this, you got that.
And now he's like I know hewants that freedom, right, and
(33:22):
he wants to be able to check outlike his friends, for the next
six to 12 hours and just zoneout on the game.
And me and dad we're not withthat shit, right.
So he's starting to compare andhe's starting to see those
differences.
And now we're starting to getthe pushback.
And my son he's a Scorpio.
(33:43):
On top of that, he's got myattitude.
Scorpio too.
Yeah, but he's got my attitude.
So you tell him something, youbetter stand on it, and he's
still going to ask why.
And if you can't and I knowwhere it comes from is not him
being disobedient?
(34:03):
Is more so really needing tounderstand the why behind the
direction that he's receiving.
And I'm the same way.
If I don't understand the why,I just chalk it up to and it
could be my ADHD, I just chalkit up to.
I guess that shit ain'timportant If you can, it's true.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
Children shouldn't know why.
Speaker 1 (34:26):
Yes, and then?
Speaker 2 (34:27):
I will say we probably.
I know, for me, I grew up witha do as I say it, not as I do.
But the truth is we're notpreparing them well, if we can,
if we're not at least trying toanswer the why, right?
And they're going to have to goout into this world and make
decisions of their own, and Ineed my children to know why.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
Yeah, and for me I was just dismissive, like as as
a kid I was stubborn, I wasdismissive.
So if you couldn't tell me thewhy, or if you couldn't take the
time out to explain why to me,if it wasn't that important for
you to explain why, it's notthat important for me to do it,
(35:06):
and that's a horrible attitudeto have, because I'm like so
many mistakes that I made, likeif you asked what, it just
listened, I told you.
But you know, years later it'slike, oh, that's why you said
that, like ooh, it was important, but my stubborn ass wouldn't
listen.
So now I take that because Isee that same attitude and him
(35:31):
like shit, you ain't saying why.
Moving on, so it's frustratingbecause I feel like if you just
listened to what I told you todo, life would be so easy for
you.
Like, I'm just trying to lay itout.
Life is going to be a struggle.
So any of those struggles thatI can encounter and like, take
(35:53):
on and get out of your way foryou so you can get that much
further ahead than what, what Iwas given, then you do that.
But he is going to fight meevery step of the way and I'm
just like, all right, you,you're about to learn the hard
way.
I think I said it last week.
Like you know what, I'm donewith the warnings.
(36:16):
Like you, you're about tofucking round and find out, like
I tried.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:25):
And listen and that's a part of it Like, look, I did
all that I can do.
You know, and, and you knowyou're going to have to learn,
you're going to have to learn.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
Absolutely.
But at least I guess now,taking things into perspective,
that you've said tonight is like, okay, I can feel a little less
guilty for, like, step back alittle bit.
He's got his own journey.
Let him, you know, figure itout on his own.
And when I do feel like I'm atthe point of spiraling, well,
(36:58):
guess what, let me just do onething.
That's, that's a good decision,right.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
Because I'm always telling that to him.
Speaker 1 (37:09):
Let me make that best decision, just one.
It could be whatever we eat fordinner tonight.
It could be going to getdessert because in like the last
couple of weeks we ohThanksgiving, we just came back
from Thanksgiving break and justbe it in the car on the road.
I know if my son could havebeen like, god damn it, he would
(37:33):
have.
And I'm like you know what, son, let's go get this ice cream
because you don't got on mynerves and I know I didn't got
on your nerves, like we oncollege.
Speaker 2 (37:45):
Okay, and that is the next best decision.
Sometimes I come home and I'mexhausted.
I'm like look, ted, I'm goingto take 30 minutes and go do
what I do.
And you go take 30 minutes todo what you do because we just
need to decompress Absolutelyand that might be 30 minutes of
Xbox for him.
You go ahead, because I need amoment, I need to drink.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
And I definitely, as much asI've like, put limitations on
the game because I think we justgot out of control.
Now, when he asked like todayyou did what you were supposed
to do.
Yeah, go get on the game andguess what?
I'm not even going to botheryou.
(38:30):
You want some pizza today?
You want something to drink?
Yes, I'm going to let you do you, because he does need that,
like the stuff that heencounters at school every day.
And then you got to go rightback to the bullshit.
And this is just fifth grade,this isn't you know.
He's not juggling children ofhis own and bills and workplace
(38:54):
stress and money issues and allof that stuff.
He's just going to school andhe's got all of these stressors.
So now I'm like you know what,I'm going to respect your time,
like you deserve that, and guesswhat?
It's going to make me feelbetter too, because I know I
need that time as well, and thenwe'll figure the rest out later
(39:19):
.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
But for now yeah, definitely so these kids are
doing it all.
We got to give them some credit, you know, for I don't know if
your son is an extracurricular,but he also does music with his
dad.
Sometimes he's recording.
He plays soccer.
We were at soccer four days outof the week.
Oh my gosh.
(39:40):
And then you know he hashomeschool on top of that.
Yeah, and you know I'm likehoney, take a break.
You know, like today we're notdoing anything, you know, and we
need that, and so do they,absolutely.
Speaker 1 (39:56):
Yeah, I agree my son is pretty busy.
But even that was like oh, youneed to be doing something, you
ain't just, I just want him tohave some skills.
I don't care, I don't care whathe does with it later.
Right now you don't have achoice.
It's my choice, I'm the parent.
But you know what?
(40:17):
If you decide not to touchanother piano after you know you
old enough to make thatdecision, then that's your
choice.
But at least you have a skillright and I just want to expose
him Different opportunities outthere and I don't want him to be
boxed in.
(40:38):
So you know, for him it's achore.
He's not thrilled about it.
But then on the flip side, Isee how much pride he takes into
Playing that piano in front ofother people and I don't care if
it's Mary had a little lamb, Idon't care if it's bingo.
(41:01):
He, you know, his chest ispoking out a little bit Further
and his head is a little bithigher while he's playing bingo
and I'm like, okay, you pop yourshit, son, like you know Over,
like, and you play the hell outof that bingo song like.
But this is why you do it.
(41:25):
And we, we went on vacation onOn Thanksgiving and I've just
been on him about if you want toget better, you have to
practice.
So it just so happens, theresort that we were at.
They had a common area.
It had a piano.
I'm like, oh, look at theuniverse, they want you to
practice.
And at first he was like I'mnot doing that in front of
(41:49):
people and I'm like, well, Iguess you're not gonna have any
iPhone chargers or iPad chargerseither.
Like I don't know what to tell.
You got a choice to make youwant to get on the piano or you
Want to not have an iPhonecharger for the rest of this
trip.
It's your choice, son.
So of course he got on, heplayed and the energy in the
(42:10):
room just changed Like it was somany kids hopping on that piano
, just making noise you know whypeople trying to vibe out and
relax in this common area.
And then he goes and hops onthe piano and it's beautiful
music coming out.
And he was just kind of playingit on the loop because he just
(42:30):
learned the song and that washis first time on the piano.
We've been practicing on akeyboard and Someone even came
up to him like that's sobeautiful, like you must
practice a lot.
And I'm like you see thedifference, don't you?
You see the kids just bangingon there making noise and you
(42:51):
got a room full of people, youknow, just Wanting to hear you
play more.
Because how relaxing andsoothing is that, like how nice
is that that you're developingthis talent, and that's what I
wanted him to see.
Like that, that's a gift.
He learns music so Quickly, helearns how to read the music so
(43:13):
quickly, and it's just like youtell him to play a note or read
a Music note or something on apiece of paper and he had like
you're trying to kill him andI'm like, well, oh well, when
you get your own house and youpay your own bills, then you
know you can decide not to playanymore.
Speaker 2 (43:30):
You might push in pushing him towards piano might
just pay his bills.
Speaker 1 (43:35):
Thanks, and that's what I'm not gonna tell you
teaching him to follow through.
Speaker 2 (43:38):
You know like.
Speaker 1 (43:40):
Yeah, that's what I didn't tell.
I'm like, you see, your musicteacher, like he's black, he's
young, and I'm like he's a boss,like it.
I've been seeing so many peopleyou know Times are rough right
now financially, like everyoneis in a pinch, everybody is
trying to find a side hustle andwe went to publics one day and
(44:04):
there's this guy and the musicwas so loud.
He had like a saxophone orsomething and the music was so
loud.
He had an amplifier, somehowsome way connected to this like
saxophone, and he had a posterboard girl with a QR code on it
and when you pass by you can Zaphim like he had his cash shop
(44:29):
on there.
This QR code was for cash out.
This QR code was for Venmo.
I heard that and I'm like, oh mygosh, that is so Smart.
I'm like you see that talent,like he just has an amp.
He has no nine to five, nobodybreathing down his neck, or
maybe we found out later on hehad.
(44:50):
He was a music teacher and he'slike, oh, he just comes to the
big city he was calling boy andlike the big city.
He comes to the big city onFridays and just plays in the
plazas and people just sell himmoney.
Speaker 2 (45:03):
I'm like I love that right.
I love that it sounds like hebelong on one of these subway
stations.
Yeah, we see that all the timehere.
But listen, I love that becausethat's the hustle.
You know you got to use yourskills, yeah, to elevate
yourself, and I tell he's atthat too, especially with soccer
.
I might look.
(45:24):
I know you see yourself on thefield, but there's so many other
careers that you can get into.
Think about coaching, thinkabout being a you know, physical
therapist for soccer players.
Think about all that.
Think about all the otherthings that come into an actual
soccer game.
You don't just need the players.
There's so many other,absolutely other professions are
(45:45):
tied, tied to that.
Speaker 1 (45:47):
So yeah, but they have to see it.
And I just realized my son,like all his coaches and stuff,
somehow.
I mean, we didn't set it upthis way, but they are black men
and I'm like I sat back one daymaybe, like last week,
scrolling through my phonebecause I always take a picture
of him doing something I'm likeshit, everybody's butt like this
(46:10):
is so beautiful because hedoesn't get that at school.
You know, I don't think he has.
He had one teacher.
There's one teacher at theschool who's a black male, but
you know, it's black men Ineducation.
Those are unicorns, that's whatwe call them?
Yes, they are unicorn, right, sohe doesn't get to see that.
(46:31):
But here it is.
He goes to piano.
He's got a, a black teacherwho's a male.
He goes to basketball.
His coach is black and hiscoach is amazing and so
professional and he's so youngand for the first time last week
, my coach, my son, was like oh,I think I want to be, I think
(46:51):
I'm going to coach basketball.
And I'm like, yeah, that's whatit's about.
Like that's what it's for.
So you can see.
Um, who else piano?
Oh, of course, dad.
Like dad is there in the fort.
Dad is like Superman.
He does everything.
If he doesn't know how to do it, he's going to figure it out
(47:11):
right.
So I'm always worried because Iknow, when I was growing up, all
the stuff that my mom did.
I'm like shoot, I can't do thestuff that she was.
Like that's too much pressureto do.
You know, carry the load, howmy mom carried the load, and I
don't know how she carried theload as a single mom with just
me and my sister.
So sometimes I worry that we'resetting these examples and
(47:34):
making him feel like, oh, that'stoo much pressure.
But at the same time I'm like no, I want you to be inspired.
You need to see people who looklike you Doing these things so
you don't put those limits onyourself.
So when I see you on your page,I'm like, damn, I wonder who
(47:55):
inspired you To be a doula,because guess what?
We didn't have people like that, like in our face, telling us
that these were opportunities is, I feel, like Our generation.
We kind of found those thingsby chance, like later on in life
, right?
(48:16):
So I think it's awesome thatwe're able to expose our kids to
these things so young, becauseit's they're not going to be
like a deer in the headlights,like we were you know that's,
that's so awesome, so I'm sothankful, I'm so thankful.
Speaker 2 (48:33):
And for heptap, for him it's just like he's actually
not used to being the onlyblack child.
He's used to there being onlyblack children.
So I wonder what his journey isgoing to be like that.
I'm gonna Prepare him as bestas I can, because my childhood
was the opposite right.
I was In gifted classes andthings like that and used to
(48:56):
being the only chocolate chip inthe cookie.
Um, for him, you know it's,it's totally different.
It's totally different.
But I know that, um, soccer isgoing to be that eye opener for
him.
But I still want to, um,encourage him, keep going, keep
going, going and like you, youknow you, you belong that that
(49:17):
pwi and I want him to know thathe belongs In that arena as well
, no matter what he chooses todo.
Speaker 1 (49:24):
Yeah, whatever he wants to go for sure.
Um, what is the best advicethat you have been given as a
mom?
Hmm.
Speaker 2 (49:36):
Um, I'm gonna say two things.
One, don't be afraid to ask forhelp, okay.
And two, um, take time for self, because it makes you a better
mother.
And I think back to some of thetimes where I was struggling
(49:57):
the most Was where I was takingcare of myself the least.
Um, so I'm very adamant aboutBooking a massage for myself.
Um, today the first half of myday was for me.
I woke up late, I went to thegym, got my lashes did, okay,
(50:19):
you know, but I'm very, I'm very, um, I'm not adamant about
taking care of myself, becausewhen I don't, that's when I'm
snapping at my children, that'swhen I am on edge, that's when I
am not able to smile as much asI would like, is those moments
(50:40):
where I'm not taking care ofmyself and I feel like it has
clicked now, at the age of 35.
When I am taking care of myself, I'm able to show up better for
my children.
I can be on those sidelineslike, yeah, tap, kick into the
goal, let's go, I'm ready, mytank is full.
(51:01):
When I keep my tank full, I'mshowing up better for my
children, also, not being afraidto ask for help.
I think the 21-year-old Simonethat was pregnant with her first
child, was very afraid to askfor help.
I was afraid of a lot of things.
But now I pick up their phonelike, look, I need you to pick
up her tap at six o'clock todaybecause, whatever, whatever, I
(51:26):
need a moment, I'm going to havedrinks with my friends,
whatever it is, I thinkespecially black women, because
we are not given the same spaceas these white mamas that got
nans and this and that we haveto carve out that time for
ourselves and not have guiltabout it.
Speaker 1 (51:44):
Yeah, absolutely.
I just talked to a friend ofmine today.
One of the goals that I set formyself just to try to reclaim
some of that time, but it's sohard to even get there.
One of the goals that I set formyself was for next year.
I either want to make sure Ihave a housekeeper or like a
(52:08):
personal assistant.
It's got to be one or the other, because I got to do what's in
my budget right now, but wereserve a life of convenience.
Speaker 2 (52:22):
Yeah, we really do.
I don't do um lately, I don'tdo my laundry.
Okay, yeah, I dropped it offand pick it up now because I
work so much.
Yeah, and I'm like that little,I mean it's not crazy um the
amount, but I'm like you knowwhat, even if it was small, take
that little sacrifice foryourself, Correct, because I'd
(52:43):
rather take a nap and letsomebody else handle that for me
so that again I can better showup for my children.
If I have to, you know,sacrifice a pair of shoes, that
I want somebody else to do mylaundry, please, you know,
because I need to fill my tank.
I don't feel like being tiredin the laundry mat, and here in
New York we don't have washerand dryer.
If you have washer and dryer inyour apartment or in your home,
(53:07):
that's like a super luxury.
Speaker 1 (53:09):
We got to go down the block and around the corner.
Speaker 2 (53:12):
But things like that.
You deserve a housekeeper and Igot one a couple months ago.
You know, somebody come overmonthly and just help a sister
out, you know.
And these other women, whitewomen they do not blink an eye
for things like that.
I saw a video.
So I'm going to hold youaccountable.
You're going to give a messagefrom me like this you got the
(53:32):
housekeeper, yet I just my goalhas been to get it, get the
housekeeper and, you know,maintain it Right.
Speaker 1 (53:43):
I don't want to start and then stop.
But I'm like, no, it is eithergoing to be the housekeeper or
the personal assistant, becauseI work a full time job.
Then I started my own businessand you know you have to be in
the forefront of the business inthe actual business side of
things, because I deal withinsurance.
(54:04):
I have to do that.
So it's like, look, I need to.
Like lately I've been feelinglike I need a clone, like
somebody has to pick my son up,somebody has to take to these
extracurriculars, somebody hasto show up to work and then
somebody has to handle thepaperwork side of the business
(54:24):
and then somebody still has tocook and clean.
Like wait a minute, who's goingto?
Who's going to do all that?
Speaker 2 (54:30):
I'm going to get you hired to help.
That's the third, you know.
That's the part of not beingafraid to ask for help.
Take the help, whatever it isyou know we deserve.
Speaker 1 (54:42):
Yeah, there was a mom on social media Like if I
didn't have a housekeeper, Iwould not be a happy mom.
I couldn't enjoy motherhood andI'm like that is true, like it
makes a difference to to have.
I want to be able to pick andchoose the things.
Like I am finding myself alittle happier now when I do
(55:07):
have time on the weekends tohelp my son, like clean his room
or organize the room ordeclutter, because I'm like you
know what this is, a privilegethat I haven't had in a long
time.
Like trying to go throughschool, raise kids, be a wife,
be a mom, figure myself out.
(55:29):
Like cleaning takes the backburner because guess, what these
?
bills got to get paid right, yougot to.
You got to be fed, you got toeat.
So now that I'm getting like alittle more control of my life,
I like being able to get thecleaning bucket and like wake up
in the morning and kind of showmy son like look, this is how
(55:50):
you clean your room.
You need to dust.
You need to because for so longI wasn't able to do that.
But also looking at the likemany disasters all around the
house because I startedsomething and had to move on to
something else and couldn'tfinish, I'm like you owe it to
yourself to come home to a cleanhouse.
(56:11):
You owe it to yourself to comehome as hard as you were.
You owe it to yourself to comehome to an organized house.
Speaker 2 (56:19):
Every day.
Speaker 1 (56:20):
So that that's one of the goals that I set for myself
.
It's either the housekeeperwhich I'm leaning towards, the
housekeeper, or, like the, thetedious stuff that I feel like,
oh my gosh, you consuming, it'sconsuming so much in my day.
I need to delegate that tosomebody Like I don't.
I need to reclaim my timebecause I did start going to
(56:43):
those yoga classes in the middleof the day and in the morning,
and you would be surprised.
This is the norm for some people, like oh, hello, hello, nice,
so you just come here every day.
Like I started making friends,started seeing different moms
and daughters going to like yogatogether every morning and I'm
(57:08):
like okay, I can do this, thisis nice.
Speaker 2 (57:12):
I'm so happy you're doing that.
I'm so happy.
Speaker 1 (57:15):
Yeah, and you have to , because we are going to burn
out.
I feel like, whatever this is,whatever season, whatever
economy that we have inheritedas millennials like we, we
getting the short end of thestick here, right.
So we need to really reclaimthat space and that time because
(57:36):
, like you said, you know we, wedon't have a lot of time.
Speaker 2 (57:40):
tomorrow isn't promised, it really is not, it
really is not, and we, they'reareas of our life that deserve
convenience.
So I'm right there with you,like, look like I said I don't
do my laundry anymore, somebodyelse does.
Awesome, I'm moving towards,you know, a life of convenience.
Yeah, it's time.
It is time and I'm doing it formy ancestors.
(58:04):
Look, we done, did a lot.
Hello, I'm resting for myancestors.
Speaker 1 (58:11):
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
So I I would love for us tolike just keep in touch more
than we have leading up to nowand just kind of come home, I'm
gonna, I'm gonna reach out.
Okay, definitely, because I thisis like, uh, the breath of
(58:32):
fresh air that I needed.
I'm so happy that you were ableto make time for the show
because I have been telling myhusband like moms are busy, you
know so the rescheduling I haveso many moms that one they
either reschedule or two.
I've been having moms tell mestraight up Like I don't have
(58:53):
time for that Cause I, you know,I have my hit list and I kind
of go through, and a lot of momshave been like you know, I
think it's great, but I don'thave time for that, I won't be
able to do that, and I'm like,okay, I respect that, thank you
for letting me know, and we justkind of go on from there.
So, even the podcast beingaudio and not visual, you know,
(59:15):
moms are on the move.
We have some moms who have kids, so it's such a relief to do
the show and they're like it'snot video, is it?
I'm like nope.
It's just don't even worry aboutall that extra pressure and
stress of like being on camera,being on video.
Nope, just send me a pictureand we'll go from there, because
(59:38):
it's what's convenient, right,and?
And we juggle so much.
So if we can make somethingeasier for ourselves, why not,
you know?
And and make it easier now.
So I definitely appreciate youcoming on the show.
Speaker 2 (59:55):
You're so welcome.
It's such an honor to be here.
It was so, so nice to speak toyou.
I'm like, oh my gosh, it's Lori, and thank you for being
flexible with me too.
I know it took a little bit oftime, but I'm so honored I'm,
I'm, I love this, I love thisand you keep doing what you
(01:00:15):
doing.
Okay, I love it.
Representing Delray and theteam, thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:00:23):
So yes, um, do you have a way for listeners if they
want to reach out to you for,like, do a little services or to
ask you questions?
Um, do you have a way for thelisteners to get in touch with
you?
Speaker 2 (01:00:40):
Absolutely, I can be found on Instagram at monidula.
That's M O N I E D O U L A.
Monidula, you can shoot me a DM?
Um.
A lot of times I post thingsthat I'm doing on there.
I was recently at a rally for amom we lost in Brooklyn, but I
(01:01:02):
like to try my best to keep folkinformed.
Um, but yeah, that's where Ican be found monidula on
Instagram.
Okay.
Speaker 1 (01:01:11):
Well, I will definitely keep in touch Um.
We'll definitely post thatcontact information as well, and
thank you again for your time.
I really appreciate it this wasso much so welcome.
All right, have a good one.
Hey everyone, it's yourfavorite BCB AD here, dr Doloran
(01:01:31):
, and I'm here to ask you tohelp us continue making great
content for listeners everywhereby visiting wwwforshittymomscom
, where you can make a monthlycontribution.
Also, visit us on Instagram,youtube, facebook and TikTok at
(01:01:52):
Foreshitty Moms.
And that shitty with an X, notan I.
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