May 15, 2023 • 21 mins
Have you felt lost, disconnected, or overwhelmed by the pressures of midlife? I'm Syd Moreau, and in this episode of Forty AF, I share my personal journey through the messy, complicated, and sometimes downright confusing aspects of midlife, and how I learned to embrace change, face my fears, and live a life filled with confidence, joy, and vitality.
Together, we'll tackle the big questions: How can we lead a 'fuck yeah' life, and what do we need to do to create the life we truly desire?
Join me as I dive into the importance of relationships, defying expectations, and rewriting our default thinking to create a brighter, more vibrant future. I'll share how I used numbing and perfectionism as coping strategies and how choosing confidence and taking action changed everything.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Before I would go to bed every single night with this
high level of drive andmotivation to tap into a
different version of myself thenext day, where I would get rid
of that feeling of dullness andheaviness.
And I would wake up each dayseriously with the best of
intentions.
I think we all do.
By lunchtime, I would have thismoment, I would give up on the
(00:23):
aliveness or really makingchanges for that day.
This is the 40 as fuck podcast,where we have worthwhile, real
as fuck conversations aboutmidlife.
What you're gonna hear on thispodcast is not the fluff you see
scrolling Instagram.
It's the messy parts of midlife.
(00:45):
Because midlife feels a littledifferent.
I wouldn't say midlife isnecessarily a crisis, but it's
worth paying attention to.
Because midlife has a definite,different priority level.
(01:08):
But it can also feel reallymundane.
And I think that it's the spacein between the urgency of
midlife and the monotony that'swhere the midlife awakening
happens.
It's not necessarily aboutthrowing caution to the wind,
but paying attention, figuringout what's working in our life,
what's not, where are wecreating our own roadblocks and
(01:31):
seeing where others are creatingroadblocks for us, and even
maybe seeing how we'resabotaging ourselves to live a
more alive next 40 years of ourlife.
So that's why I'm really excitedabout today's podcast.
I believe what we're talkingabout today is probably one of
the keys in setting a foundationfor the next 40 years of our
(01:52):
life.
You guys know that I talk a lotabout regret, how we reconcile
the past ones and how we learnand grow from them.
And then most importantly, howdo we avoid new ones?
Because as I've mentioned,research has shown that a lot of
the regrets that we will havebefore we die come from the
actions that we take or theactions that we don't take in
(02:15):
our midlife.
And I also talk a lot aboutrelationships on this podcast
because, again, research showsover and over again that the
quality of the relationshipsthat we have in midlife has one
of the greatest influences onour overall happiness, our
health, our quality of life, andour life expectancy as we get
older.
(02:36):
And much of this research,again, points to the fact that
it's the relationships that wehave in our midlife that matter.
Are we growing in them?
Are they fostering a positivepart of ourselves and
challenging us to develop moreof that positive part of
ourselves?
But we all know that the hustleof life and the priorities of
(02:58):
families and the priority of ourcareers and the relationships
that we have, it's so easy tofind ways to distract ourselves
from that inner knowing or ayearning for our aliveness that
we're missing.
We can use all of the repetitivetasks and the to-do lists to
mask our true desires.
(03:19):
A few years ago, I felt lost inmy life and I felt sad and
disconnected from a vibrancythat I used to have.
I didn't really feel seen orknown in my life.
For me, dulling and numbingbecame my coping strategy.
And I aimed and strived to beperfect in all of the roles of
(03:40):
my life.
That became the mask that I usedto hide my vulnerability.
I was a wife and a mom and anentrepreneur and a creative and
a friend and a daughter and acolleague.
I played all of those roles sowell.
And they kept me insanely busy.
One day I looked around my lifeand thought, what the hell is
(04:01):
going on?
It's in that moment when we wakeup and we think, how am I
actually at this point?
And it could be anything really.
It could be our jobs or ourrelationship or feeling a lack
of purpose in our life, notfeeling seen or known in our
life.
Or maybe it's just realizingthat we're not really having any
fun anymore.
(04:22):
So if you've ever had thatmoment, or if you're having it,
what I realized is I wascontinuing to choose comfort and
routine because it was easy.
I knew it.
I understood it.
It doesn't necessarily mean itwas good.
It doesn't necessarily mean it'swhat I wanted because my body
wanted that aliveness, thatvibrancy.
It wanted to be seen and known.
(04:44):
But I was rationalizing myroutines and the busyness of my
life, subscribing to thatcontinual monotony.
And in my mind, I was constantlydreaming of someday.
And so always in an attempt tosettle for choosing easy.
But what I realized by doingthat, by living for tomorrow, I
(05:07):
was leaving so much living, somuch of my actual potential on
the table.
And that right there, I thinkthat is where regret is born in
our life.
What's so terrible about regret,too?
We are the only personresponsible.
It's a decision that we'remaking in the moment, day after
(05:28):
day, in an attempt to avoidchange and the
uncomfortableness.
And that's what leads us toregret.
And I think that's what we needto pay attention to.
For some reason, this vibe ofmidlife where we direct our
energy into pain avoidancerather than directing our energy
into things like joy andvitality and having actual fun?
(05:53):
When's the last time that youdid something that you felt was
really fun?
So all of this brings me tothese three questions that I
have been rolling around in myhead.
And that is, how do you leadthis fuck yeah life once there's
aliveness?
And why is it that we areconstantly and continually
(06:15):
choosing comfort over change?
And the biggest question is,what do you do about all that?
I think we see other people'scoolness and their confidence,
and then we inherently compareourselves and we think, oh, I
could never be like them, butreally we might want to be.
Or we think to ourselves, howare they doing that?
I just don't know how.
Or one thing that I say tomyself a lot is my life isn't
(06:39):
set up that way, or I wasn'tborn that way.
That's not who I am.
What I think we're missing whenwe start comparing ourselves,
we're not seeing how hard it wasfor them to pull themselves out
of bed in the morning whenthey're choosing to be
uncomfortable, to make all ofthat happen.
It's impossible for us to alwaysknow those moments of
(07:00):
uncomfortableness that precedethat social media post when
we're looking at it from theoutside.
But we do envy their results.
And so for me with this podcast,I really do want to be really
transparent with you becausethere have been so many days
that I have had to literallyforce myself to be
uncomfortable.
(07:20):
And this entire process for mehas been a challenge to be in
the uncomfortable.
Before, I would go to bed everysingle night with this high
level of drive and motivation totap into a different version of
myself the next day.
I was always vowing to, in someway, shake the mundane, where I
(07:42):
would get rid of that feeling ofdullness and heaviness that I
was feeling.
And I would wake up each dayseriously with the best of
intentions, I think we all do.
And I would think to myself,like, today's the day, Sid.
But as the day would go on, Icouldn't quite get past where I
actually did the shit that Isaid I was going to do for me,
(08:05):
to become a better version ofmyself, to feel more alive
again.
I wanted to make those gooddecisions, or those different
decisions, or those decisionsthat felt uncomfortable, but I
always found myself in thosemoments, for some reason saying
yes when I meant no, or no whenI meant yes.
(08:26):
I wanted people around me tohear my needs and desires so
they could really know me.
But for some reason, I wouldsilence my voice and I would
keep it quiet just to keep thepeace of my life and my
relationships.
I didn't really want to makewaves.
So by lunchtime, I would havethis moment where I would
(08:46):
realize that again, I'm choosingcomfort.
And for some reason, I wouldgive up on the aliveness or
really making changes for thatday.
What I realized is I wasnegotiating with myself every
single day.
I was making excuses to staycomfortable in an effort to not
do the work.
(09:06):
I didn't value myself enough tofollow through on me.
Since starting this podcast,I've actually had a few people
tell me that they think I'mconfident.
And when I hear this, I Iactually in some ways argue with
them.
I'm like, I am not confident,but I am choosing confidence,
but I definitely don't feelconfident.
(09:29):
And there is a big distinctionbetween the two.
Each time I make one of thesepodcasts, I am wrestling so
deeply in my mind dealing withsome crazy imposter syndrome,
literally questioning every lifechoice I've ever made.
I'm asking friends foraffirmations.
But creating this podcast hasactually been a really good
(09:49):
teacher for me in how Iunderstand confidence and about
the practice of beinguncomfortable and tapping into
my aliveness.
And what I've realized, we don'tever really actually find
confidence.
It's just a choice thataliveness is a choice.
Living a fuck yeah life is achoice, but it's most certainly
(10:13):
not comfortable.
We're actually defying theexpectations that we have for
ourselves.
But in that defiance of thoseexpectations, that's what living
is all about.
That's the places where wefollow through on ourselves.
So while it appears that I'mconfident and I'm portraying
that confidence maybe in someway through this podcast, you
(10:34):
have to understand thatportrayal comes at a huge price
for me because I am betrayingall of that negative thinking,
all that negative thinking thatwants to keep me stuck and it
wants to keep me safe.
What I've had to do is break myown expectations about what I
believe about myself.
(10:54):
And I'm literally choosingconfidence, but I'm not feeling
it.
When we look at others' displaysof confidence, I think that the
biggest gift that we can giveourselves is to not believe that
it is really easy for them, thatthey haven't had to their own
level of uncomfortableness toget to that point.
(11:16):
So for me, as I've gone throughthis journey, I really wish more
people posted that part ofsuccess, that part where they
are struggling.
That's what I needed to see.
Of course, I did feel inspiredby displays of success, but when
we're constantly looking atother people's successes, what
it did for me is it made me feellike I was missing something
(11:39):
about myself.
I want you to know what myconfidence actually looks like.
When I go to record one of thesepodcasts or go to push publish
on one of these podcasts, if youcould actually hear the voice in
my head, honestly, you wouldhear this nagging voice saying
something like, Holy shit, Sid,you are being so vulnerable.
(12:00):
Like you're not even on theright path to talk about any of
this stuff.
You are not an authority onanything.
And you definitely don't haveyour shit together.
Who do you even think you are?
What are you doing?
Do you really want people tohear about this?
You are just some ordinary40-something mom.
You drive a freaking Hyundai.
(12:21):
Why will people care aboutanything, anything at all that
you have to say in midlife?
That right there, that voice,it's the voice that loves to
keep me comfortable.
It feeds all of my doubts andthe fears that I have about
myself in a way to confirm thestories I've told myself for
years.
Being comfortable and stayingstuck, when we hear that voice,
(12:43):
that's when we need to defy it.
It's like that Thelma and Louisemoment.
It's that moment when we followthrough on ourselves.
Action is where that changehappens.
We definitely can't thinkourselves out of the
uncomfortableness.
We really have to be willing totake action towards those
non-negotiables that we set forourselves.
So for me, one of thenon-negotiables that I have is
(13:07):
actually pushing publish, evenwhen I don't want to.
What are your non-negotiables?
And to answer that question, youhave to be willing to be really
honest for what you're willingto settle for.
And pretty much at the end ofyour days, what regrets are you
okay holding on to?
Once you define that, like, areyou healthy?
(13:28):
Are you choosing confidence?
Or are you a person that wantsto have more fun in the second
half of your life?
This list could go on and on.
Then you have to decide whatdoes that person do?
What are the non-negotiables forthat person?
I choose confidence even when Idon't want to, because for me, I
don't want that regret of whatif?
You guys, for years I would goon these journeys of seeking
(13:52):
these intellectual answers ofwhy I wasn't confident.
Like, why was I the way that Iwas?
Was there something in my pastthat made me the way that I was?
And honestly, there probably is.
I always felt that if I couldattain enough knowledge, I could
in some way outthink myself oroutthink the uncomfortableness
(14:12):
of making the change.
And I would, in that process ofintellectualizing what I was
going through, unravel thisgreat mystery of my life.
And I think I thought thateverything would just fall into
place once I figured it out.
So I'd go through these periods.
Was it my parents or my crappygrades I got in high school that
(14:34):
wrecked my confidence?
But all of those answers, allthe things I came up with, none
of them changed the fact that Iwas avoiding the discomfort.
I still wasn't following throughon me, but it looked like I was
because I was reading books andI was learning and I was going
to therapy.
I was more committed to theSydney that did not follow
(14:54):
through on ourselves and thenfelt bad about ourselves than
the Sydney that I aspired to be.
I feel like I've wasted a lot oftime trying to figure myself out
when all I really had to do isjust sit in that discomfort for
a second and act.
Otherwise, it was going tobecome a regret that I was
settling for, that I waschoosing.
(15:16):
What I'm learning is thatfeeling of discomfort is really
short-lived.
On the other side of it, though,I'm also realizing that pain of
staying stuck in the what-ifpart of it, that doesn't
necessarily go away as quickly.
That one ruminates in our brainover and over again.
So I think if you are hearingthat voice telling you all the
(15:38):
reasons why you should staycomfortable today, that is the
moment that you need to do thecomplete opposite of what you
want to do.
You should take the chance.
Because we've become so numb tothe expectations that we have at
this age, we use these beliefsand expectations to really
define our lives.
(15:59):
And some of those expectationsand beliefs that we hold,
they're good and they'repurposeful, but definitely not
all of them.
If you're feeling like there's alimitation in your life or
there's a part of your life thatyou're negotiating with yourself
day in and day out, that islikely a belief that is worth
looking at.
Or if you find yourself lookingat others wishing you could be
(16:20):
like them in some way, that'sprobably an expectation or
belief that's limiting you.
I think it's really imperativethat we shed light on what our
expectations are and how wecarry them, because expectations
and beliefs, they're likeshadows that follow us
everywhere.
They may have served you at onetime, they may have kept us
safe, but if we hold on to themand we don't evaluate them from
(16:43):
time to time, they mightactually be keeping us from
being seen and known in our ownlives, not just by ourselves,
but others, as I mentioned.
And they also prevent us fromreally reaching our full
potential, also lead to regrets.
I'm asking you guys, are youeven aware of the expectations
that you carry?
When is the last time that youstop to evaluate the stories
(17:07):
that you've told yourself aboutthe way that you are, or the
ways it's supposed to look, orthe what your relationships are
supposed to look like?
Are there any expectations thatyou are willing to challenge or
even let go of?
If you guys recall from one ofmy previous podcasts,
expectations that we have abouthow stress affects our body has
(17:29):
an astounding effect on ourmortality rate.
So believing that stress iseither good or bad for you plays
a huge role.
And really, if you're going tolive or die from it.
And there's actually been otherstudies that show that
expectations of life expectancyin our adolescence will actually
influence if we die young or wedie old.
And there's actually morestudies that show that
(17:52):
expectations of how helpless wefeel as we get older, they can
affect everything from cognitivedecline to cardiac wellness and
strokes.
When researchers look at this,what they find is that in MRIs
and autopsies, they'll actuallyfind that people with a negative
expectation of aging, they haveincreased plaque in their brain
(18:15):
as well as significant damagesto parts of their brain, like
the hippocampus, which isactually responsible for memory
function.
So this is not just a theory.
It can be seen in aphysiological level in and
throughout our body.
Neurologically, though, ourbrains are very much wired to
maintain predictability of abelief that we carry.
(18:36):
It's very primitive.
And it's actually there to keepus safe.
Like we know not to touch a hotstove because at some point
we've probably put our hand on ahot stove.
So our brain draws on theexperience of past events and
people and places and things totell us how or not to do
something or how something willplay out based on those past
(18:59):
events.
It has a very reflexive and anunconscious way of predicting
and telling us what to do.
And we, through our expectationsand beliefs that we hold,
listen.
We don't really think aboutcontemplating putting our hand
on a stove.
We just know not to do itunconsciously.
Unless we are present and awareof the expectations and the
(19:23):
beliefs that we have, ourresponses will not necessarily
be objective.
So that voice in my head, thatone that's there to keep me safe
for some reason, whenever it waswritten, is there in a very
protective manner so I don't gethurt.
I've heard it said actually thatwhat we see is based on the
past.
Our brain does not actually seewhat's actually there in the
(19:47):
present.
So what I see when I walk into aroom could be totally different
than when you walk into a room.
And it's based on my pastexperiences as well as the
feelings and the emotions thatI'm feeling at that moment.
And there's a great researchstudy where they had people look
at a set of faces.
And people that were feelingsad, shy, or nervous, what they
(20:11):
saw when they were looking atthese neutral faces, so they
weren't really showing anyemotions, they saw those neutral
faces as looking angry orjudgmental.
And they only focused on thoseneutral faces and how they were
interpreting them as negative.
But in that same study, peoplewho reported feelings of
calmness and confidence and joyand some level of happiness,
(20:34):
they didn't see those neutralfaces as negative.
They saw those neutral faces asneutral.
But interestingly, they sawsomething that the other group
didn't see.
And they saw smiling faces,which were also shown.
For me, understanding that myexpectations and that way that I
have of going to defaultthinking that accompanies those
(20:56):
expectations that I carry, thathas really helped me to take
action, especially when I'mfeeling those dips in my mood,
or I'm feeling really nervous,or I'm overthinking something.
I know that default thinking orwhat I'm predicting that I will
see is just based on a belief ora story that I've been telling
myself.
And it helps me to push throughit, to take action, and to be
(21:19):
willing to be uncomfortable andrewrite that story through
direct action.
So I take that step.
I push publish.
I want to leave you with a quoteby James Clear of Atomic Habits.
And he says that progressrequires a unlearning.
Becoming the best version ofyourself requires you to
continuously edit your beliefsand to expand.
(21:41):
This podcast today is foranybody that's having trouble
getting out of the gate andmaking those changes.
So I hope you guys have enjoyedit today.
I am looking forward to the nextpodcast of 40 as fuck.
Before I would go to bed every single night with this
high level of drive andmotivation to tap into a
different version of myself thenext day, where I would get rid
of that feeling of dullness andheaviness.
And I would wake up each dayseriously with the best of
intentions.
I think we all do.
By lunchtime, I would have thismoment, I would give up on the
(00:23):
aliveness or really makingchanges for that day.
This is the 40 as fuck podcast,where we have worthwhile, real
as fuck conversations aboutmidlife.
What you're gonna hear on thispodcast is not the fluff you see
scrolling Instagram.
It's the messy parts of midlife.
(00:45):
Because midlife feels a littledifferent.
I wouldn't say midlife isnecessarily a crisis, but it's
worth paying attention to.
Because midlife has a definite,different priority level.
(01:08):
But it can also feel reallymundane.
And I think that it's the spacein between the urgency of
midlife and the monotony that'swhere the midlife awakening
happens.
It's not necessarily aboutthrowing caution to the wind,
but paying attention, figuringout what's working in our life,
what's not, where are wecreating our own roadblocks and
(01:31):
seeing where others are creatingroadblocks for us, and even
maybe seeing how we'resabotaging ourselves to live a
more alive next 40 years of ourlife.
So that's why I'm really excitedabout today's podcast.
I believe what we're talkingabout today is probably one of
the keys in setting a foundationfor the next 40 years of our
(01:52):
life.
You guys know that I talk a lotabout regret, how we reconcile
the past ones and how we learnand grow from them.
And then most importantly, howdo we avoid new ones?
Because as I've mentioned,research has shown that a lot of
the regrets that we will havebefore we die come from the
actions that we take or theactions that we don't take in
(02:15):
our midlife.
And I also talk a lot aboutrelationships on this podcast
because, again, research showsover and over again that the
quality of the relationshipsthat we have in midlife has one
of the greatest influences onour overall happiness, our
health, our quality of life, andour life expectancy as we get
older.
(02:36):
And much of this research,again, points to the fact that
it's the relationships that wehave in our midlife that matter.
Are we growing in them?
Are they fostering a positivepart of ourselves and
challenging us to develop moreof that positive part of
ourselves?
But we all know that the hustleof life and the priorities of
(02:58):
families and the priority of ourcareers and the relationships
that we have, it's so easy tofind ways to distract ourselves
from that inner knowing or ayearning for our aliveness that
we're missing.
We can use all of the repetitivetasks and the to-do lists to
mask our true desires.
(03:19):
A few years ago, I felt lost inmy life and I felt sad and
disconnected from a vibrancythat I used to have.
I didn't really feel seen orknown in my life.
For me, dulling and numbingbecame my coping strategy.
And I aimed and strived to beperfect in all of the roles of
(03:40):
my life.
That became the mask that I usedto hide my vulnerability.
I was a wife and a mom and anentrepreneur and a creative and
a friend and a daughter and acolleague.
I played all of those roles sowell.
And they kept me insanely busy.
One day I looked around my lifeand thought, what the hell is
(04:01):
going on?
It's in that moment when we wakeup and we think, how am I
actually at this point?
And it could be anything really.
It could be our jobs or ourrelationship or feeling a lack
of purpose in our life, notfeeling seen or known in our
life.
Or maybe it's just realizingthat we're not really having any
fun anymore.
(04:22):
So if you've ever had thatmoment, or if you're having it,
what I realized is I wascontinuing to choose comfort and
routine because it was easy.
I knew it.
I understood it.
It doesn't necessarily mean itwas good.
It doesn't necessarily mean it'swhat I wanted because my body
wanted that aliveness, thatvibrancy.
It wanted to be seen and known.
(04:44):
But I was rationalizing myroutines and the busyness of my
life, subscribing to thatcontinual monotony.
And in my mind, I was constantlydreaming of someday.
And so always in an attempt tosettle for choosing easy.
But what I realized by doingthat, by living for tomorrow, I
(05:07):
was leaving so much living, somuch of my actual potential on
the table.
And that right there, I thinkthat is where regret is born in
our life.
What's so terrible about regret,too?
We are the only personresponsible.
It's a decision that we'remaking in the moment, day after
(05:28):
day, in an attempt to avoidchange and the
uncomfortableness.
And that's what leads us toregret.
And I think that's what we needto pay attention to.
For some reason, this vibe ofmidlife where we direct our
energy into pain avoidancerather than directing our energy
into things like joy andvitality and having actual fun?
(05:53):
When's the last time that youdid something that you felt was
really fun?
So all of this brings me tothese three questions that I
have been rolling around in myhead.
And that is, how do you leadthis fuck yeah life once there's
aliveness?
And why is it that we areconstantly and continually
(06:15):
choosing comfort over change?
And the biggest question is,what do you do about all that?
I think we see other people'scoolness and their confidence,
and then we inherently compareourselves and we think, oh, I
could never be like them, butreally we might want to be.
Or we think to ourselves, howare they doing that?
I just don't know how.
Or one thing that I say tomyself a lot is my life isn't
(06:39):
set up that way, or I wasn'tborn that way.
That's not who I am.
What I think we're missing whenwe start comparing ourselves,
we're not seeing how hard it wasfor them to pull themselves out
of bed in the morning whenthey're choosing to be
uncomfortable, to make all ofthat happen.
It's impossible for us to alwaysknow those moments of
(07:00):
uncomfortableness that precedethat social media post when
we're looking at it from theoutside.
But we do envy their results.
And so for me with this podcast,I really do want to be really
transparent with you becausethere have been so many days
that I have had to literallyforce myself to be
uncomfortable.
(07:20):
And this entire process for mehas been a challenge to be in
the uncomfortable.
Before, I would go to bed everysingle night with this high
level of drive and motivation totap into a different version of
myself the next day.
I was always vowing to, in someway, shake the mundane, where I
(07:42):
would get rid of that feeling ofdullness and heaviness that I
was feeling.
And I would wake up each dayseriously with the best of
intentions, I think we all do.
And I would think to myself,like, today's the day, Sid.
But as the day would go on, Icouldn't quite get past where I
actually did the shit that Isaid I was going to do for me,
(08:05):
to become a better version ofmyself, to feel more alive
again.
I wanted to make those gooddecisions, or those different
decisions, or those decisionsthat felt uncomfortable, but I
always found myself in thosemoments, for some reason saying
yes when I meant no, or no whenI meant yes.
(08:26):
I wanted people around me tohear my needs and desires so
they could really know me.
But for some reason, I wouldsilence my voice and I would
keep it quiet just to keep thepeace of my life and my
relationships.
I didn't really want to makewaves.
So by lunchtime, I would havethis moment where I would
(08:46):
realize that again, I'm choosingcomfort.
And for some reason, I wouldgive up on the aliveness or
really making changes for thatday.
What I realized is I wasnegotiating with myself every
single day.
I was making excuses to staycomfortable in an effort to not
do the work.
(09:06):
I didn't value myself enough tofollow through on me.
Since starting this podcast,I've actually had a few people
tell me that they think I'mconfident.
And when I hear this, I Iactually in some ways argue with
them.
I'm like, I am not confident,but I am choosing confidence,
but I definitely don't feelconfident.
(09:29):
And there is a big distinctionbetween the two.
Each time I make one of thesepodcasts, I am wrestling so
deeply in my mind dealing withsome crazy imposter syndrome,
literally questioning every lifechoice I've ever made.
I'm asking friends foraffirmations.
But creating this podcast hasactually been a really good
(09:49):
teacher for me in how Iunderstand confidence and about
the practice of beinguncomfortable and tapping into
my aliveness.
And what I've realized, we don'tever really actually find
confidence.
It's just a choice thataliveness is a choice.
Living a fuck yeah life is achoice, but it's most certainly
(10:13):
not comfortable.
We're actually defying theexpectations that we have for
ourselves.
But in that defiance of thoseexpectations, that's what living
is all about.
That's the places where wefollow through on ourselves.
So while it appears that I'mconfident and I'm portraying
that confidence maybe in someway through this podcast, you
(10:34):
have to understand thatportrayal comes at a huge price
for me because I am betrayingall of that negative thinking,
all that negative thinking thatwants to keep me stuck and it
wants to keep me safe.
What I've had to do is break myown expectations about what I
believe about myself.
(10:54):
And I'm literally choosingconfidence, but I'm not feeling
it.
When we look at others' displaysof confidence, I think that the
biggest gift that we can giveourselves is to not believe that
it is really easy for them, thatthey haven't had to their own
level of uncomfortableness toget to that point.
(11:16):
So for me, as I've gone throughthis journey, I really wish more
people posted that part ofsuccess, that part where they
are struggling.
That's what I needed to see.
Of course, I did feel inspiredby displays of success, but when
we're constantly looking atother people's successes, what
it did for me is it made me feellike I was missing something
(11:39):
about myself.
I want you to know what myconfidence actually looks like.
When I go to record one of thesepodcasts or go to push publish
on one of these podcasts, if youcould actually hear the voice in
my head, honestly, you wouldhear this nagging voice saying
something like, Holy shit, Sid,you are being so vulnerable.
(12:00):
Like you're not even on theright path to talk about any of
this stuff.
You are not an authority onanything.
And you definitely don't haveyour shit together.
Who do you even think you are?
What are you doing?
Do you really want people tohear about this?
You are just some ordinary40-something mom.
You drive a freaking Hyundai.
(12:21):
Why will people care aboutanything, anything at all that
you have to say in midlife?
That right there, that voice,it's the voice that loves to
keep me comfortable.
It feeds all of my doubts andthe fears that I have about
myself in a way to confirm thestories I've told myself for
years.
Being comfortable and stayingstuck, when we hear that voice,
(12:43):
that's when we need to defy it.
It's like that Thelma and Louisemoment.
It's that moment when we followthrough on ourselves.
Action is where that changehappens.
We definitely can't thinkourselves out of the
uncomfortableness.
We really have to be willing totake action towards those
non-negotiables that we set forourselves.
So for me, one of thenon-negotiables that I have is
(13:07):
actually pushing publish, evenwhen I don't want to.
What are your non-negotiables?
And to answer that question, youhave to be willing to be really
honest for what you're willingto settle for.
And pretty much at the end ofyour days, what regrets are you
okay holding on to?
Once you define that, like, areyou healthy?
(13:28):
Are you choosing confidence?
Or are you a person that wantsto have more fun in the second
half of your life?
This list could go on and on.
Then you have to decide whatdoes that person do?
What are the non-negotiables forthat person?
I choose confidence even when Idon't want to, because for me, I
don't want that regret of whatif?
You guys, for years I would goon these journeys of seeking
(13:52):
these intellectual answers ofwhy I wasn't confident.
Like, why was I the way that Iwas?
Was there something in my pastthat made me the way that I was?
And honestly, there probably is.
I always felt that if I couldattain enough knowledge, I could
in some way outthink myself oroutthink the uncomfortableness
(14:12):
of making the change.
And I would, in that process ofintellectualizing what I was
going through, unravel thisgreat mystery of my life.
And I think I thought thateverything would just fall into
place once I figured it out.
So I'd go through these periods.
Was it my parents or my crappygrades I got in high school that
(14:34):
wrecked my confidence?
But all of those answers, allthe things I came up with, none
of them changed the fact that Iwas avoiding the discomfort.
I still wasn't following throughon me, but it looked like I was
because I was reading books andI was learning and I was going
to therapy.
I was more committed to theSydney that did not follow
(14:54):
through on ourselves and thenfelt bad about ourselves than
the Sydney that I aspired to be.
I feel like I've wasted a lot oftime trying to figure myself out
when all I really had to do isjust sit in that discomfort for
a second and act.
Otherwise, it was going tobecome a regret that I was
settling for, that I waschoosing.
(15:16):
What I'm learning is thatfeeling of discomfort is really
short-lived.
On the other side of it, though,I'm also realizing that pain of
staying stuck in the what-ifpart of it, that doesn't
necessarily go away as quickly.
That one ruminates in our brainover and over again.
So I think if you are hearingthat voice telling you all the
(15:38):
reasons why you should staycomfortable today, that is the
moment that you need to do thecomplete opposite of what you
want to do.
You should take the chance.
Because we've become so numb tothe expectations that we have at
this age, we use these beliefsand expectations to really
define our lives.
(15:59):
And some of those expectationsand beliefs that we hold,
they're good and they'repurposeful, but definitely not
all of them.
If you're feeling like there's alimitation in your life or
there's a part of your life thatyou're negotiating with yourself
day in and day out, that islikely a belief that is worth
looking at.
Or if you find yourself lookingat others wishing you could be
(16:20):
like them in some way, that'sprobably an expectation or
belief that's limiting you.
I think it's really imperativethat we shed light on what our
expectations are and how wecarry them, because expectations
and beliefs, they're likeshadows that follow us
everywhere.
They may have served you at onetime, they may have kept us
safe, but if we hold on to themand we don't evaluate them from
(16:43):
time to time, they mightactually be keeping us from
being seen and known in our ownlives, not just by ourselves,
but others, as I mentioned.
And they also prevent us fromreally reaching our full
potential, also lead to regrets.
I'm asking you guys, are youeven aware of the expectations
that you carry?
When is the last time that youstop to evaluate the stories
(17:07):
that you've told yourself aboutthe way that you are, or the
ways it's supposed to look, orthe what your relationships are
supposed to look like?
Are there any expectations thatyou are willing to challenge or
even let go of?
If you guys recall from one ofmy previous podcasts,
expectations that we have abouthow stress affects our body has
(17:29):
an astounding effect on ourmortality rate.
So believing that stress iseither good or bad for you plays
a huge role.
And really, if you're going tolive or die from it.
And there's actually been otherstudies that show that
expectations of life expectancyin our adolescence will actually
influence if we die young or wedie old.
And there's actually morestudies that show that
(17:52):
expectations of how helpless wefeel as we get older, they can
affect everything from cognitivedecline to cardiac wellness and
strokes.
When researchers look at this,what they find is that in MRIs
and autopsies, they'll actuallyfind that people with a negative
expectation of aging, they haveincreased plaque in their brain
(18:15):
as well as significant damagesto parts of their brain, like
the hippocampus, which isactually responsible for memory
function.
So this is not just a theory.
It can be seen in aphysiological level in and
throughout our body.
Neurologically, though, ourbrains are very much wired to
maintain predictability of abelief that we carry.
(18:36):
It's very primitive.
And it's actually there to keepus safe.
Like we know not to touch a hotstove because at some point
we've probably put our hand on ahot stove.
So our brain draws on theexperience of past events and
people and places and things totell us how or not to do
something or how something willplay out based on those past
(18:59):
events.
It has a very reflexive and anunconscious way of predicting
and telling us what to do.
And we, through our expectationsand beliefs that we hold,
listen.
We don't really think aboutcontemplating putting our hand
on a stove.
We just know not to do itunconsciously.
Unless we are present and awareof the expectations and the
(19:23):
beliefs that we have, ourresponses will not necessarily
be objective.
So that voice in my head, thatone that's there to keep me safe
for some reason, whenever it waswritten, is there in a very
protective manner so I don't gethurt.
I've heard it said actually thatwhat we see is based on the
past.
Our brain does not actually seewhat's actually there in the
(19:47):
present.
So what I see when I walk into aroom could be totally different
than when you walk into a room.
And it's based on my pastexperiences as well as the
feelings and the emotions thatI'm feeling at that moment.
And there's a great researchstudy where they had people look
at a set of faces.
And people that were feelingsad, shy, or nervous, what they
(20:11):
saw when they were looking atthese neutral faces, so they
weren't really showing anyemotions, they saw those neutral
faces as looking angry orjudgmental.
And they only focused on thoseneutral faces and how they were
interpreting them as negative.
But in that same study, peoplewho reported feelings of
calmness and confidence and joyand some level of happiness,
(20:34):
they didn't see those neutralfaces as negative.
They saw those neutral faces asneutral.
But interestingly, they sawsomething that the other group
didn't see.
And they saw smiling faces,which were also shown.
For me, understanding that myexpectations and that way that I
have of going to defaultthinking that accompanies those
(20:56):
expectations that I carry, thathas really helped me to take
action, especially when I'mfeeling those dips in my mood,
or I'm feeling really nervous,or I'm overthinking something.
I know that default thinking orwhat I'm predicting that I will
see is just based on a belief ora story that I've been telling
myself.
And it helps me to push throughit, to take action, and to be
(21:19):
willing to be uncomfortable andrewrite that story through
direct action.
So I take that step.
I push publish.
I want to leave you with a quoteby James Clear of Atomic Habits.
And he says that progressrequires a unlearning.
Becoming the best version ofyourself requires you to
continuously edit your beliefsand to expand.
(21:41):
This podcast today is foranybody that's having trouble
getting out of the gate andmaking those changes.
So I hope you guys have enjoyedit today.
I am looking forward to the nextpodcast of 40 as fuck.
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