Codependent people are focused outside themselves and care what others think about them. As you're recovering from your codependent ways, you can leverage that tendency for your own good by using it with some kind of an accountability partner. In the beginning, you can use that desire to NOT let them down by committing to them about goals that further your development. Given your need to please THEM, you'll be more likely t...

Here's a story of a variety of ways that recovery has shown up in my everyday life. It features a story from a day at the beach where I sat next to two people who were bitching and complaining. In the past, I would sat there and stewed and fumed and blamed them for my miserable day. Instead, I got up and moved. I was rewarded by my Higher Power with some incredible lessons in healthy parenting and boundary-setting by the family...

If you set a boundary with someone and they don't honor, you have to do something about them not honoring it. "Doing something" is called a consequence. If you don't do anything when someone doesn't honor your boundary, then it wasn't really a boundary, it was just a wish. Learn how to set different levels of consequences using the three strikes method in this episode.

The link I mentioned in the episode for ...

Some people think that "it's all about me" is the same as "keep the focus on yourself." It's not. They're very different. Opposites, in fact. When we're focused on the external world ("it's all about me"), we're more likely to be exasperated, resentful and unfulfilled. That's because we can't do much about the external world. But when we learn to keep the focus on ourselves, w...

When I stopped gossiping, I realized that I'd been "dragging stories with me" all my life. And it was making me miserable! It's  bad enough that negative stuff happens, but you MAGNIFY the negativity by talking about it all the time! You relive the negative events over and over each time you talk about them. Here's how to stop so you can reduce the amount of chaos and negativity in your life.

You can sign up for ...

Gail Ferguson Jones is a recovering codependent and host of the podcast "The Buttrfly Effect" (no "e"), which is for families of addicts. She shares her experience having grown up with multiple generations of alcoholism and being married to an alcoholic. 

Gail dropped all kinds of pearls of wisdom on this show. Here are just a few gems.

Most of us in recovery fear abandonment, yet ironically, most of us abandon ourselves. We do this because of the chaos and dysfunction with which we grew up. The key is to stop abandoning yourself, which essentially means to learn how to take good care of yourself. This is the essence of what recovery is - learning to take good care of ourselves. I go into a couple of examples of how to stop abandoning ourselves and why it's so...

Your integrity is impacted by your motives because our motives guide our behavior. We may THINK we're doing something to be nice, when in fact we're doing it to manipulate. This shatters our integrity because our intentions are not pure - we're not living up to the spiritual principles we may think we are (like being kind and good).

It's also important to consider that others don't care what your intentions are, ...

There are several means by which 12-step recovery programs impose boundaries on us. These include the Serenity Prayer, program slogans, several common meeting practices, as well as seven of the 12 Traditions. By having these healthy boundaries imposed from the outside first, we learn to form healthy boundaries of our from inside.

The episode I referred to on boundaries of self-containment and boundaries of self-protection is episode...

People who have been victimized don't necessarily take on the mentality of victimhood. That is, they've been through something, but they don't always take on the identity of being a victim. Victims perceive themselves as not having choices. Victimization is about a situation; victimhood is an identity. 

The way to overcome this mentality is to first see that you have it. I describe a variety of ways in which this mentali...

The universe is FOR you, not against you. There is wisdom in the universe beyond your understanding. When things pop up that feel like they're obstacles on your path, they're really just detours. If you think back over your life you'll see that to be true. Why wait to gain the perspective of time to realize that what you thought was an obstacle was really a detour?  You can do that now with a simple decision. Listen in ...

Hear my story of uncovering a fear that I could feel bubbling up like a pressure cooker. I managed that fear by telling the truth - and I didn't die! (not kidding!). My pattern of dishonesty over the years reared it's ugly head. Not giving into that fear and being honest about it reinforced my integrity, which means it reinforced my wholeness. The same is true for you - tell the truth, it will lead to your wholeness.

The pod...

Most people in recovery have or have had lives filled with chaos on dysfunction. When we're surrounded by chaos, we're frequently "activated" as if on alert, which means it's hard to think clearly. One of the ways our thinking gets distorted is that we see things only in stark contrast - like the stark contrast between the colors black and white. In order to be able to see and experiences the nuances of life (th...

Codependence is a focus outside the self. This happens because when we're in fight or flight mode, we're not able to access the "human" part of our brain. That part of our brain is where our "self" is formed. Setting healthy boundaries is the best way to keep the focus on yourself to get over your codependence. You'll also hear the top two myths about setting boundaries as well as my top five rules for s...

Many of us have been sabotaging the things we want in our lives. This is often outside our awareness so we blame others for making this happen. I blamed untrustworthy people for being untrustworthy, when it was me who was trusting them! If this is a pattern of yours, this episode should help you see that and learn how to change that pattern.

Here's the link to my 12 Week Group Coaching program, "Better Boundaries with Barb&#...

In celebration of the 100th episode of my podcast, I've invited a variety of people to share their voices, music and poetry. I also shared 3 of my most important (brief) recovery readings, and a story about how the desire to record a podcast was planted in me decades before podcasts even existed! Join us for the this panel of 4 people in recovery, 2 of whom are BIPOC individuals. You'll hear 3 recovery songs and an incredib...

To the outer world, impact is what matters. People don't care if you have the best of intentions if your impact is bad. They also often done care if your intentions are bad but your impact is positive. But YOU should care, because your intentions impact YOU, regardless of the outcome in the external world. That is, if you have negative intentions, it impacts your integrity, even if the outcome in the world is positive. Listen i...

When I'm trying to decide if something is the right thing to do or whether something is healthy for me, I ask myself, 

These two question help me ensure that I'm living my life by my spiritual principles, and that I'm not manipulating others and my motives are pure. If you want details, listen to hear me unpack these questions. 

I'd love to hear what an...

I share all the ways in which recovery has enabled me to end the drama and stress of my life and live with ease. Using the example of renewing my driver's license, I lay out the series of ways in which I live on purpose (and you can too!!): 
 * putting money away for "unexpected" expenses
* planning a buffer of time to get to appointments
* filling up my gas tank as soon as I notice it instead of waiting until the last pos...