January 22, 2024 • 41 mins
As I, Shaniqua, peel back the layers of my own story, I'm met with the raw realities of relationships and the power of self-reliance. I've walked through the fire of control and infidelity, emerged from an abusive marriage, and now I stand here to share how these experiences carved the path for my growth. My journey to financial independence and the understanding of true partnership has taught me the balance between vulnerability and strength. This episode is an open book of my life lessons, inviting you to turn the pages alongside me to discover the art of healing and building connections that are rooted in mutual respect and acknowledgment of each other's strengths.
Navigating the aftermath of a relationship can feel like wandering through a labyrinth with no exit in sight. But as I recount the detours of my personal love story, from missed red flags to a Thanksgiving dinner gone awry, you'll see how each misstep brought me closer to self-discovery. I discuss the dangers of trauma bonding, the importance of maintaining one's identity, and the courage it takes to embrace self-love. By sharing my reflections on the end of my third marriage, I aim to light a beacon of hope for those seeking peace and a renewed sense of self post-relationship.
Coming full circle, this episode is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the quest for authentic love. I open up about the fears of starting a new and the transformative power of honesty and authenticity. You'll hear why it's crucial to be complete within oneself before embarking on a new partnership and the significance of differentiating between wants and needs in a significant other. As we conclude this heartfelt exploration, I invite you to reach out, share your stories, and join me in celebrating the journey towards becoming the best versions of ourselves.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Free Concepts, unmask, where we
motivate, educate and elevate.
I am your host, shaniqua.
Thank you so much for listening.
Thank you for your support.
Thank you for subscribing.
Thank you for following.
Before I begin with my topic,I'd like to start off with
(00:21):
prayer.
Father God, in the name ofJesus.
God, I come to you, Lord, and Isay thank you, god.
Thank you, god, for all thatyou've done and all that you're
doing in my life.
God, I thank you for mylisteners.
God, I thank you for thisplatform and opportunity to be
able to speak to your people.
Give me the words to be able toencourage them where they are
(00:42):
and hopefully and prayerfullyuplift them.
God, to make a difference, makea change in their lives.
God, oh God, I thank you foryour mercy, your grace, your
forgiveness and, most of all, Ithank you for your love.
God is a God of love.
Thank you, lord.
Thank you for the blessings,thank you for the increase.
(01:03):
Increase me, lord, jesus, god,increase in the name of Jesus,
amen, amen, amen.
Okay, we're going to start offwith our topic.
We're going to talk aboutrelationships.
Okay, I want to touch on thistopic because I feel that it's
(01:24):
so important.
The reason why I talk about thehealing process so much is
because I believe that we shouldheal from whatever that we're
broken from, whether it's abuse,neglect, issues, rejection,
whatever it is that you've beenthrough in your life that has
(01:45):
built up a wall around yourheart.
Hopefully that we can breakthose walls down and rebuild,
being able to trust once again.
A lot of times we go throughrelationships and you know,
especially bad relationships andwe no longer trust anymore.
(02:07):
We don't want to get our heartsbroken, we don't want to get
hurt again, but you have to bevulnerable to love.
Okay, so you can't have onefoot in the door and one foot
out.
You have to be all in.
Yes, you may get hurt, but thenagain, you may not, but you
have to be willing to take thatchance.
(02:27):
So I think that it's veryimportant that when you meet
someone, that you lie everythingon the table, lay it all out
there and talk about it,communicate.
Communication definitely is key, but the reason I talk about
the healing process so much isbecause we can have healthier
(02:49):
relationships once we heal thosethings that we have been
through that has damaged ourhearts or broken our hearts or
made us feel like we can't trustanymore.
Whatever that is, that happenedin your life.
You got to get to the root ofthat thing.
(03:10):
So a lot of women I'm going tostart off with my women first A
lot of women I've noticed onsocial media.
They talk a lot about wantingsomeone to take care of them,
wanting someone to providefinancially for them, always
(03:32):
chasing that bag.
Now, ain't nothing wrong withchasing the bag when it comes to
you starting your own businessor you have your own career.
As a woman, you know thingsthat you're doing in your life,
that you're already able to payyour own bills, that you're
stable before you actually meetsomeone and you're in a
(03:56):
relationship.
I think it's really importantthat you talk about what your
expectations are in arelationship, and it should not
be based on materialistic things.
It shouldn't be based onsomething that you're not
willing to give yourself.
I know I'm going to go to mymen for a minute.
(04:17):
A lot of men want the women tobe submissive.
Now, for me, I can besubmissive, but I have to be
able to trust you.
I have to be able to feelsecure and safe with you.
I have to know that you will beable to lead in such a way that
(04:37):
I'll be able to follow yourlead and not just us saying a
marriage.
Your children should be able tosee what example that you're
setting for your family as a man.
A lot of times we say that theman's responsibility is to
(05:02):
provide and protect, and I agreewith that.
But I also agree with the factthat some women can provide and
protect as well.
You know, especially singlewomen.
But when we do enter arelationship with a man, we have
to learn how to take thosepants off, you know, and not
(05:24):
wear the pants anymore,especially if you've been a
single mom for a long time.
It's hard to because you wearthe hat of the man and the woman
, the mother and the father.
For me, as a single mom, attimes I had to not only be the
mom and now the responsibility.
(05:44):
With mom, you're the counselor,you're the teacher, you're the
doctor, you know you're thenurturer, you're everything for
that child, you're providing,you're paying the bills.
You know you're taking care ofyour business so that you're
able to provide a stableenvironment for your children.
But when you come into, you know, a relationship with a man,
(06:09):
then you will need to give thattorch to him and allow him to do
that now If you want to be in arelationship, because every
relationship is different and wehave to get out of this mindset
of this is what the man'splaces, this is what the woman's
(06:29):
places, because, at the end ofthe day, when you come together,
whatever I'm weak at you shouldbe strong at.
Whatever you're weak at, Ishould be strong at you know, I
know how to put furnituretogether, I know how to work on
cars, you know and I'm saying tochange my own oil and things of
that nature, and maybe a manmay not know how to put
(06:52):
furniture together or fix things, and you know whatever you know
, but whatever it is that I cando best.
And then you, you might be ableto cook.
Now, I know how to cook too,but if you know how to cook and
you know, you know how to doother things, or you know handle
the children or whatever it is,then we should be able to mesh
(07:15):
together well, together.
You know I I like dating,because when I first started
dating I was really young when Imet my son's father and we
dated from probably like 12years old.
(07:36):
When I met him.
We didn't start datinginitially, we were just friends.
But then I would say we wereboyfriend and girlfriend about
15 years old, until I was about21,.
I would say and I didn't reallyknow what my expectations were,
hadn't dated enough and reallylearned myself enough to realize
(08:01):
what I wanted.
I didn't know what my likes, mydislikes were.
I tried to be real cool andchill and not really nag or
things like that.
But when you're young you don'treally know what it is.
You know a healthy relationshiplooks like.
(08:21):
I didn't know, anyway, what ahealthy relationship looked like
because of you know my mom wason drugs, she wasn't married,
she wasn't married, things likethat.
You know my grandmother wasn'tmarried.
You know my great grandmotherwasn't, you know.
So I didn't see what a healthyrelationship really looked like.
(08:44):
I just knew we were boyfriendand girlfriend and sometimes we
controlled each other in a senseof you know you can't talk to
this person or I can't talk tothat person and so forth.
So it was an immaturerelationship.
It didn't work out because youknow he cheated.
(09:07):
Then I would cheat because youknow you made me mad because you
cheated.
So I'm going to cheat on youbecause you cheated on me being
petty.
You know what I mean.
And then when I met my firsthusband, I, before we got
married, I just I saw a redflags.
(09:29):
You know he was really good tome in the beginning, but then
you could tell he had theseabusive ways, very controlling,
wanting to know what I'm doing,you know, guilt tripping because
he was cheating and doing stuffand things like that.
But I didn't see that in thebeginning, I didn't know he was
(09:52):
cheating in the beginning.
I just was like, oh, he reallycares about me.
You know.
That's why he always wants toknow where I am and what I'm
doing and things like that.
Later on it was just abusiverelationship, abusive marriage.
I really didn't know again whatto look for in a man.
(10:14):
So you know my next, you knowmarriage.
I knew a little bit morebecause I was in the ministry
when I met my second husband andI still, you know, and people
talk me into it because I keptsaying he wasn't my type.
But they were like, well, whatis your type, you know?
(10:37):
And then I was like, well, youknow someone, this, this, that
you know, the other, just kindof some type of swag and all
this other stuff you know, goodto me, treats me good, things
like that.
But then you know, people werelike, well, what was your type
Haven't been working out for you.
(10:58):
You know this is a good guy,you know, and I was like you
know what?
You have a point there to sayto say.
So, um, got in that relationshipand tried to learn from my past
relationships what not to do orto do, because of my first
marriage I really didn't knowhow to cook.
Um, I'm gonna tell you all aquick story.
(11:20):
So Thanksgiving I cookedThanksgiving dinner and at the
time he wasn't my husband, Ithink we were engaged and I left
I love everything into Turkey.
Okay.
So when he got home, the turkeylooked good and everything.
(11:41):
But when he tried to cut intothat joke of honey, some blood
came out and all it was hard tocut into.
So he asked me did I take thestuff out the turkey?
I said what's the?
He was like the.
You know the stuff that's inthe turkey, like the neck and
you know the gizzards orwhatever.
(12:01):
So I'm like mmm, it wasn'tnothing in that turkey and he
was like it's in all the turkeys.
I was like no, he was like didyou wash it?
I see you washed it, chide, andleft everything in the turkey,
okay.
So I didn't know how to cook,okay, I was just trying.
I tried my best.
He threw everything out, okay,through it all the way, even the
(12:22):
sides.
He was so pissed, so, anyway.
So I learned how to cook, okay,cooked for my second husband,
you know, took care of the kids,tried to be a better wife, and
you know little.
(12:42):
Same thing, you know he wascheating.
And then, you know, I cheated,and you know things like that,
because I, you know, I'm beingpetty.
Now, now, back in the day, Iused to be petty.
I'ma tell you, I used to bereally petty.
You do something?
Oh, I'm gonna show you betterthan you know.
Then I can tell you okay, youcheated, I'm a cheap battle.
(13:03):
That's.
That's the attitude I had, notunderstanding the fact that why
am I gonna give myself tosomebody else that doesn't even
deserve me, first of all, justto get back at him?
You know I mean things likethat, just immature.
So then, after that, you know,after that divorce, I dated a
(13:26):
lot.
I Got a chance to know myself.
Now, before my second marriage,I was Celeb it for four years
and I Think I met him, probablylike that second year, I think
it was like two years after Iwas celibate and waited, you
(13:48):
know, until we got married, tobe intimate and Didn't work.
Sometimes I used to tell people, you know, go ahead and you
know, wait to get married firstbefore you have sex.
But I Don't say that anymorebecause you know you kind of
(14:11):
might want to just try it out tosee if it's for you.
But, um, again, still immature,because I really didn't know or
understand what a marriageconsisted of.
He worked, came home, went tosleep, didn't spend a lot of
time, you know, with myself andthe children, we didn't get any
(14:34):
quality time, didn't take me outon dates and things like that.
So, um, you know, after thatmarriage I started just kind of
again being to myself and, youknow, then I started dating, you
know, probably about a coupleyears later, and I wanted to see
what I really Enjoyed about me.
(14:55):
So, you know, just datingmyself, learning myself, loving
myself, things like that.
So later on I married a thirdtime, okay, and and um, when I
married my wife, I Saw red flagsagain, but not until now.
(15:18):
See, I didn't see these redflags until my heart was already
in, and then I would makeexcuses for the person, you know
, and we were like best friends.
You know, we hung out together,things like that.
Later I Found out she was anintrovert, you know, really
didn't want to be around peopledidn't want to hang out,
(15:39):
socialize and, you know, dothings.
Now I'm a karaoke girl.
I like to go out and you know Iwant to go sing karaoke.
I want to Be a social butterflyand you know I love to make
people laugh and smile, thingsof that nature.
(16:01):
Later down the line didn't workout Now it wasn't no cheating
involved or anything like that.
But I Learned a valuable lessonin all of that.
I said all of that to say youhave to love yourself, heal
Because my brokenness andsometimes we trauma bond, and I
(16:21):
think that's what we did.
We trauma bonded when we firstmet.
You know she had been throughsome stuff, I had been through
some stuff.
Same thing with my ex-husbands.
You know they had been throughstuff, you know, growing up and
Saw abuse and things like thatwill have been abused.
And then I had been, you know,abused as well and Just Toxic
(16:47):
family, toxic environment.
And so we're trying to then me,me and my brokenness, trying to
get with someone and theirbrokenness and Trying to fix
people.
You know that's what I foundmyself doing trying to show this
person hey, you can trust me.
You know the otherrelationships failed you, they
(17:10):
cheated or whatever, but I'm notgonna do that.
You know what I mean.
I'm here for you, trying toprove my love, and I Don't think
you really should have to go sohard with proving yourself to
someone and proving your loveand they still don't accept it
or receive it, you know.
(17:30):
So all of that stuff that Iwent through, let me tell y'all
I Really miss love y'all, cuzI'm just sharing all my business
and I told you I would beauthentic with you guys and
transparent.
But what I realized after thisthird marriage and divorce, I
(17:51):
Just I said I couldn't do itanymore.
I just couldn't do it anymore.
I needed to find my peace, mypeace of mind.
I needed to find me because Ialways tried to be with
everybody else, expecting me tobe for them.
That I lost myself and I didn'tno longer Knew who I.
I didn't know who I was anymore.
(18:12):
You know I was trying to bewhatever they wanted me to be,
because I didn't want anotherfailed marriage.
So I'm trying to please and doand, like I said, I lost myself.
I didn't.
I lost sight of my goals, Ilost sight of my dreams, I lost
sight of my personality, becauseeven sometimes they'd be like,
(18:33):
oh, you're too much, because I'm, you know, bubbly and I'm
always on a 10, you know, andI'm very open, you know, and
they didn't like it, you know.
So, trying to dim my light, youknow, or trying to, and not
intentionally, I don't, I'm notgonna say they intentionally did
(18:54):
this, but I Felt as if Icouldn't be me.
You know, true to me, who Godcreated me to be.
I started to just be thisperson I didn't even recognize
anymore because I'm so busytrying to, you know, take care
of my kids and please them.
I'm trying to, you know, pleasemy job, I'm trying to please my
(19:17):
spouse.
I'm trying to Be this, this,this superwoman, and I put too
much pressure on myself and Istarted falling apart, you know,
and so I realized that, shneak,would you, I take time for you.
You know, you have to learn howto self-love, self-care, all of
that stuff that people talkabout.
(19:38):
You hear, I'm talking about it,but I didn't know that it
applied to me.
You know, I had kept going andkept going through failed
relationships, you know, abuse,all kinds of stuff that have
been through.
You know, losses I've lost, youknow, 26 people in my life that
were so dear to me.
(19:59):
Um, tragedies had happened, butI was taught and raised to keep
going, no matter what.
You know, my grandmother usedto say grow a backbone, nikki,
you can't do that, you know.
So I was like, okay, I had wentas far as I could go, because a
lot of those times I didn'ttake time for me even to grieve
(20:20):
and things like that.
So I just kept going until Ifelt like I was having a nervous
breakdown because I had justTried to make everybody else
comfortable around me and happyaround me.
That I wasn't happy anymore, youknow, I wasn't my bubbly self
anymore and I didn't like who Iwas changing into.
(20:41):
You know, I've always said Iwant to change the world, I
don't want the world to changeme, you know.
And so I had to get back to thecore of who I am, who God
created me to be.
I had to let go of a lot of thetoxicity and, um, even
relationships, friendships, youknow, had to disconnect myself
because I found myself beingaround people that didn't, you
(21:06):
know, see value in me.
I didn't even see value inmyself at one point, you know, I
felt like I wasn't worthybecause, you know my mom, you
know, wasn't raising me and youknow I went to my
great-grandmother To be raisedand I just felt like I wasn't
wanted.
(21:29):
So when you feel like that, it'seasy for someone to manipulate
you.
It's easy for someone to Saythey love you, but you don't
really know how to receive loveand you don't really know how to
identify True love.
You know, everybody's lovelanguage is different.
(21:51):
For me, I think that I'vealways wanted someone that I
could feel safe with, secure,with stable, someone that would
be a good leader in my life andhave my back no matter what,
because that's that I'm thatperson.
I'm a right-of-die.
You know, in a relationship Igive everything I got and and
(22:17):
it's easy to lose yourself,especially when you're in love
with someone and you lovesomeone or you care for someone
so much and you want it to.
You know to be right, you wantto be perfect, but nobody's
perfect.
I had this big vision in my headof what a marriage should be or
(22:37):
what I wanted in my life, butit wasn't even what I envisioned
, you know I just I had to sitwith me and decide what it is,
what.
I can't even blame these peoplebecause at the end of the day,
I chose these people.
(22:58):
So it's no need to talk aboutthem or talk bad about them or
put them in a bad light, becauseI chose these people.
So I had to ask myself what inme Is so broken that I'm
choosing these types of peoplethat treat me this way, that
mistreat me, that disrespect meand All you know different types
(23:23):
of forms.
So once I did that and I Sharewith my ex-wife I said listen, I
Think you have to, you know,get you together and and heal.
And I need to take time and heal, because I feel like I'm
falling apart and I don't evenrecognize myself anymore when I
(23:44):
look in the mirror.
A lot of times I would numb youknow the pain or numb myself so
that I could deal with things.
You know, and that's just notwho I was, you know.
So now that I'm going throughthe healing process, because
(24:08):
it's, it's not like you can justheal tomorrow and then you're
good.
You know it's.
It takes time to heal becauseyou have to recognize what in
you is broken, you know, to getto the root of that thing.
You know, and I'm at a placewhere I just want peace, peace
of mind.
I want someone that's gonna beable to love me, for me flaws
(24:33):
and all, just love me for me,and Someone that has healed as
well and understands the innerwork that needs to be done to be
able to Let go of the ego, letgo of the pride, to be
vulnerable with one another.
(24:53):
Someone that puts God first,has a relationship with God.
Not just go to church, becauseyou can go to church, you know,
but to have that relationshipwith God.
It's a big difference, becauseI want somebody that's gonna
pray for me when I can't prayfor myself.
You know I'm saying I want topray for that person.
(25:14):
We pray together before we makedecisions, communicate with
each other, not just think thatthey supposed to read my mind,
you know, but I think a lot ofpeople's expectations sometimes
in Finding a relationship orgetting married, a lot of times
(25:38):
it's a timetable with society,it's you know.
Oh, I'm 30 something years oldand you know the clock is
ticking and we're afraid to growold by ourselves and being
(26:00):
single.
Sometimes we are afraid againto be vulnerable with someone.
We are afraid of what ourparents think, because they want
grandbabies, you know.
So you try to rush intomarriage or rush to have a child
(26:20):
by someone that doesn't evenoffer you a ring, that doesn't
see you as a wife, you know, andsometimes you have to ask
yourself say, if you've been ina relationship for six years and
you're not happy, do you reallythink that getting married or
having a baby is going to fixthat or make you happy?
(26:43):
No, it's not.
If you are already unhappy andmiserable in that relationship,
you have to ask yourself willyou continue to wait for them to
ask you to marry them and keepwaiting and hope that it'll get
better?
Or do you want another six,seven, ten years of whatever
(27:06):
you've already been through andwhat you've gone through?
You have to sit there and askyourself that question.
Some people don't want to startover.
They have the fear of startingover again after they've
invested some years.
They don't want to start overand I think that's a poor a lot
(27:28):
of the things I said is poorexcuses just to get with someone
and be in a relationship oreven marry them.
So I think that we have to takethe time to heal, to find out
what that root is, that thingthat first hurt us, that started
(27:50):
changing our views of life,that started tainting our views
in relationships and feeling asif all men are cheaters, all
women cheat or you know they'regoing to do this.
To me, it's too good to be truethat you can't even receive love
(28:13):
because you've had so much badin your life that you just
expect things to just go wrong.
And you can't live your lifeexpecting things to go wrong.
You have to live your life tothe fullest live, laugh and love
(28:33):
.
And just same thing like whenyou get on a bike and you ride
it and you fall, you get back upon it.
You might have some bad jobsthat you end up, you know
enduring, but you know you don'tjust stop working because you
know you had a bad job, you knowyou didn't like it or you felt
burnt out or you felt used andmistreated.
(28:55):
You go out there and get youanother job.
Same thing with a relationship.
You got to keep going, you know.
And don't be afraid to startover.
You can't let fear hold youback from anything in life.
A lot of times, fear holds usback.
That's the number one thingthat holds us back from a lot of
things is fear, and we have tolet go of that fear and be free
(29:20):
to love.
You know, a lot of times I feellike God wants us to not act
like children in an immature way, but to be free like a child.
You know, just be free, be freeto love, be curious, enjoy life
(29:42):
, enjoy love, and that's what Iwant to do one day.
I don't mind being by myselffor the rest of my life if
that's what God's will is, but Ireally think that God knows my
heart and he knows that I'm alover.
I'm a lover and I really wantto be ready for love when it
(30:09):
does come.
I want to be healed enough sothat way I understand what true
love is.
Caring for one another.
You know, just being there inthe time of whatever.
You know, whatever happensthrough sickness and health.
(30:32):
You know, through whatever itis that we have to go through,
there are many struggles in lifethat we stick together.
You know you got my back, I gotyour back.
Type of relationship that wecan beat all odds.
You know us against the world.
Type of relationship and setthat example.
(30:54):
You know just being partners,uplifting one another and I
think it's really important thatwe really ask the right
questions, asking the rightquestions.
Don't be afraid to askquestions.
You know and don't and do notlie about who you are, because
(31:16):
if you lie about who you are,then you're starting your
relationship off with a lie andno good is gonna come out of
that.
So you have to be honest withone another.
And guess what?
If you don't like what I laidout on the table, that's fine.
You might say, oh, she too much, mm-hmm, I can't do it.
(31:37):
Well, that's okay, because thatright person will come along.
That is right for you.
Without any lies, withoutdeceiving a person, be true to
who you are.
Don't just try to get thatperson because you think they so
fine, or he's so sexy, or hedid so, he's so handsome, and
(32:00):
you know he, he's this and that.
Well, she's this and that youknow, and you want them so bad
that you try to be what theywant and then later down the
line it don't work out becauseyou are not being truthful,
you're not being honest.
Someone will love you just theway that you are, just the way
(32:21):
that you are.
You don't have to fake it, youdon't have to put on a facade,
you don't have to put on a mask.
Take the mask off and revealthe true you and say hey, this
is me, do you want it or not?
You know what I mean and, likeI said, ask the right questions.
You know, it can even be likean application.
(32:46):
Write down a whole bunch ofquestions that you want to ask
this person or ask people evenwhen you're dating.
You know who's for you andwho's not for you.
So write down the things thatyou want out of a relationship.
Write down what it is that youneed, because there's a
difference between needs andwants.
(33:06):
Okay, but the things that youreally need in a mate, write it
down and don't be afraid to askfor that.
Is this what type of person youare?
You want someone that you canbe yourself all the time, not
just.
You know.
I've met people where, whenthey're around a girlfriend,
(33:27):
they one way, when they'rearound a man, they different.
You know Like who is this chick?
You know what I mean.
You have to be true to yourselfall the time.
You know what I'm saying.
Don't be fake, don't be phony.
Be you, and it's okay to be you.
(33:51):
Unmask.
Be who God created you to be.
Whether it's bubbly, you wantto attend, you know you're a
joker, you know you're alwayshaving fun.
Or you could be an introvertand you don't like to go out.
You like to stay in the houseall the time.
For me, I'm a little bit ofboth.
I love to socialize, I love tobe around people and put smile
(34:15):
on people's faces, but I'm alsoI can be an introvert, where I
like to be, in my own bed in myown house, and I like to
meditate and and have my me time.
It's nothing like my me time,you know.
So definitely understand thatif you want someone in your life
(34:40):
, you have to give them theversion of you that God created.
Stop being someone that you'renot.
Stop trying to keep up with theJones.
Stop trying to chase money ormaterial.
You know, stop thinking that aman is supposed for my women.
(35:00):
A man, you know, has to pay foryour bills and pay for all this
stuff.
You know, for me, I was alwaysindependent.
I worked two and three jobsMost of my life, 40-something
jobs.
I've worked, always great at it, mind you HR positions,
(35:22):
administration, all of that.
But I wanted my life to becomfortable for my children, and
I never wanted to put myself onsomebody else and ask them for
money or ask them to pay mybills and things like that.
My bills should already be paidfor.
I should be able to provide formyself, and if I have children
(35:46):
too, you know, for my childrenas well.
Now, when he comes in thepicture, then he would be a
helpmate or I would be ahelpmate to him.
That's how it should be.
Nobody should be looking forsomeone to take care of them.
That's what your mom and yourdaddy was for.
You know what I'm saying.
Or your grandma, or whoeverraised you.
(36:08):
But you don't go out herelooking for someone to take care
of you, because it's not gonnawork.
The relationship is gonna fail.
You cannot go out here lookingfor someone to take care of you
financially.
You know you have to be able todo that yourself, and then if
(36:31):
the person comes in and doeswant to take care of you and pay
your bills, then that's just abonus, you know.
So, anyway, I just want tothrow that out there.
I don't know if anybody agreesor disagrees.
That's up to you.
This is my opinion, my thoughts,my beliefs, of all the things
(36:51):
that I've been through ourrelationships?
I've been through.
It's important to find you,find yourself first.
Be comfortable in loving whoyou are.
Find out your likes anddislikes.
Find out what your dealbreakers are, whatever it is
(37:13):
that makes you tick.
Find out what those things areso when you do meet someone, you
can share these thoughts withthem.
Find out if they have the samebeliefs that you do.
Find out you know what it isthat for me.
I want someone that's going tostimulate my mind.
(37:33):
I want someone that I'm goingto feel comfortable with, with
makeup, without makeup.
You know, with my head done,without my head done.
You know I want to feelcomfortable with that person and
that person still thinks thatI'm beautiful no matter what,
because at the end of the day,we grow older.
We're not going to always lookthe same Okay, he ain't going to
(37:56):
always look the same.
So you have to be able to fallin love with that person, not
fall in love with the idea oflove, fall in love with the
vision that you had when youwere 12 or 16, 20.
You know you have to be able tofall in love with the person.
(38:18):
Everything about that personthat you love, that's what's
going to help you to have astrong relationship, because
there are going to be times thatthey get on your nerves.
But even through them gettingon your nerves, you got to say,
hmm, he get on my nerves but Istill love him.
(38:39):
You know what I mean.
She still get on my nerves butI'm in love with that woman.
You know that's my lady orthat's my man.
You want somebody you can lookat and say, hmm, hmm, it makes
you feel good and proud to havethem by your side.
So, anyway, I ain't going tokeep talking because you know I
(38:59):
can talk for a minute.
I just want to throw that outthere.
Stop trying to find thingsabout a person that is.
You know some things.
Y'all be thinking it don't evenexist.
Okay, some people be farfetched out there thinking this
(39:23):
is what this person is supposedto be.
He's supposed to be this for me, she's supposed to be that for
me.
Find out what it is that youwant, you both want, and then
you know, come together and seeif that works for you, and
especially heal first, becausewhat you don't want is have two
broken people trying to build arelationship together, because
(39:46):
they're going to end up Y'allgonna fuss, y'all gonna fight,
y'all gonna have attitudes.
Y'all not going to agree, y'allgoing to be disagreeing.
You're going to be mad all thetime because they haven't healed
those things within themselvesto be happy with themselves.
Some people say, oh, he doesn'tmake me happy.
You have to be already happyand full inside, can't?
(40:09):
Nobody make you happy?
You understand, nobody can makeyou something.
You have to already be wholeand that person needs to be
whole.
And when you come together thenyou guys can be able to work
together like music, like rhythmOkay, like the rhythm and blues
(40:30):
.
So I just wanted to let you guysknow that if you guys have any
comments, if you have a letteryou want to write in asking me
any advice or any questions,please send it to free concepts
podcast at gmailcom.
That's, free concepts with an Spodcast at gmailcom.
(40:54):
If you want me to keep youanonymous, I will, but just go
ahead and send me something sowe can talk about it.
Thank you so much for listening.
I hope you guys have an amazingweek.
Continue to love yourself, beyourself.
Don't let nobody steal your joy.
(41:14):
Don't let nobody take you outof character.
At the end of the day, you bethe best version of you that you
can be.
God bless, you have a good one.
Welcome to Free Concepts, unmask, where we
motivate, educate and elevate.
I am your host, shaniqua.
Thank you so much for listening.
Thank you for your support.
Thank you for subscribing.
Thank you for following.
Before I begin with my topic,I'd like to start off with
(00:21):
prayer.
Father God, in the name ofJesus.
God, I come to you, Lord, and Isay thank you, god.
Thank you, god, for all thatyou've done and all that you're
doing in my life.
God, I thank you for mylisteners.
God, I thank you for thisplatform and opportunity to be
able to speak to your people.
Give me the words to be able toencourage them where they are
(00:42):
and hopefully and prayerfullyuplift them.
God, to make a difference, makea change in their lives.
God, oh God, I thank you foryour mercy, your grace, your
forgiveness and, most of all, Ithank you for your love.
God is a God of love.
Thank you, lord.
Thank you for the blessings,thank you for the increase.
(01:03):
Increase me, lord, jesus, god,increase in the name of Jesus,
amen, amen, amen.
Okay, we're going to start offwith our topic.
We're going to talk aboutrelationships.
Okay, I want to touch on thistopic because I feel that it's
(01:24):
so important.
The reason why I talk about thehealing process so much is
because I believe that we shouldheal from whatever that we're
broken from, whether it's abuse,neglect, issues, rejection,
whatever it is that you've beenthrough in your life that has
(01:45):
built up a wall around yourheart.
Hopefully that we can breakthose walls down and rebuild,
being able to trust once again.
A lot of times we go throughrelationships and you know,
especially bad relationships andwe no longer trust anymore.
(02:07):
We don't want to get our heartsbroken, we don't want to get
hurt again, but you have to bevulnerable to love.
Okay, so you can't have onefoot in the door and one foot
out.
You have to be all in.
Yes, you may get hurt, but thenagain, you may not, but you
have to be willing to take thatchance.
(02:27):
So I think that it's veryimportant that when you meet
someone, that you lie everythingon the table, lay it all out
there and talk about it,communicate.
Communication definitely is key, but the reason I talk about
the healing process so much isbecause we can have healthier
(02:49):
relationships once we heal thosethings that we have been
through that has damaged ourhearts or broken our hearts or
made us feel like we can't trustanymore.
Whatever that is, that happenedin your life.
You got to get to the root ofthat thing.
(03:10):
So a lot of women I'm going tostart off with my women first A
lot of women I've noticed onsocial media.
They talk a lot about wantingsomeone to take care of them,
wanting someone to providefinancially for them, always
(03:32):
chasing that bag.
Now, ain't nothing wrong withchasing the bag when it comes to
you starting your own businessor you have your own career.
As a woman, you know thingsthat you're doing in your life,
that you're already able to payyour own bills, that you're
stable before you actually meetsomeone and you're in a
(03:56):
relationship.
I think it's really importantthat you talk about what your
expectations are in arelationship, and it should not
be based on materialistic things.
It shouldn't be based onsomething that you're not
willing to give yourself.
I know I'm going to go to mymen for a minute.
(04:17):
A lot of men want the women tobe submissive.
Now, for me, I can besubmissive, but I have to be
able to trust you.
I have to be able to feelsecure and safe with you.
I have to know that you will beable to lead in such a way that
(04:37):
I'll be able to follow yourlead and not just us saying a
marriage.
Your children should be able tosee what example that you're
setting for your family as a man.
A lot of times we say that theman's responsibility is to
(05:02):
provide and protect, and I agreewith that.
But I also agree with the factthat some women can provide and
protect as well.
You know, especially singlewomen.
But when we do enter arelationship with a man, we have
to learn how to take thosepants off, you know, and not
(05:24):
wear the pants anymore,especially if you've been a
single mom for a long time.
It's hard to because you wearthe hat of the man and the woman
, the mother and the father.
For me, as a single mom, attimes I had to not only be the
mom and now the responsibility.
(05:44):
With mom, you're the counselor,you're the teacher, you're the
doctor, you know you're thenurturer, you're everything for
that child, you're providing,you're paying the bills.
You know you're taking care ofyour business so that you're
able to provide a stableenvironment for your children.
But when you come into, you know, a relationship with a man,
(06:09):
then you will need to give thattorch to him and allow him to do
that now If you want to be in arelationship, because every
relationship is different and wehave to get out of this mindset
of this is what the man'splaces, this is what the woman's
(06:29):
places, because, at the end ofthe day, when you come together,
whatever I'm weak at you shouldbe strong at.
Whatever you're weak at, Ishould be strong at you know, I
know how to put furnituretogether, I know how to work on
cars, you know and I'm saying tochange my own oil and things of
that nature, and maybe a manmay not know how to put
(06:52):
furniture together or fix things, and you know whatever you know
, but whatever it is that I cando best.
And then you, you might be ableto cook.
Now, I know how to cook too,but if you know how to cook and
you know, you know how to doother things, or you know handle
the children or whatever it is,then we should be able to mesh
(07:15):
together well, together.
You know I I like dating,because when I first started
dating I was really young when Imet my son's father and we
dated from probably like 12years old.
(07:36):
When I met him.
We didn't start datinginitially, we were just friends.
But then I would say we wereboyfriend and girlfriend about
15 years old, until I was about21,.
I would say and I didn't reallyknow what my expectations were,
hadn't dated enough and reallylearned myself enough to realize
(08:01):
what I wanted.
I didn't know what my likes, mydislikes were.
I tried to be real cool andchill and not really nag or
things like that.
But when you're young you don'treally know what it is.
You know a healthy relationshiplooks like.
(08:21):
I didn't know, anyway, what ahealthy relationship looked like
because of you know my mom wason drugs, she wasn't married,
she wasn't married, things likethat.
You know my grandmother wasn'tmarried.
You know my great grandmotherwasn't, you know.
So I didn't see what a healthyrelationship really looked like.
(08:44):
I just knew we were boyfriendand girlfriend and sometimes we
controlled each other in a senseof you know you can't talk to
this person or I can't talk tothat person and so forth.
So it was an immaturerelationship.
It didn't work out because youknow he cheated.
(09:07):
Then I would cheat because youknow you made me mad because you
cheated.
So I'm going to cheat on youbecause you cheated on me being
petty.
You know what I mean.
And then when I met my firsthusband, I, before we got
married, I just I saw a redflags.
(09:29):
You know he was really good tome in the beginning, but then
you could tell he had theseabusive ways, very controlling,
wanting to know what I'm doing,you know, guilt tripping because
he was cheating and doing stuffand things like that.
But I didn't see that in thebeginning, I didn't know he was
(09:52):
cheating in the beginning.
I just was like, oh, he reallycares about me.
You know.
That's why he always wants toknow where I am and what I'm
doing and things like that.
Later on it was just abusiverelationship, abusive marriage.
I really didn't know again whatto look for in a man.
(10:14):
So you know my next, you knowmarriage.
I knew a little bit morebecause I was in the ministry
when I met my second husband andI still, you know, and people
talk me into it because I keptsaying he wasn't my type.
But they were like, well, whatis your type, you know?
(10:37):
And then I was like, well, youknow someone, this, this, that
you know, the other, just kindof some type of swag and all
this other stuff you know, goodto me, treats me good, things
like that.
But then you know, people werelike, well, what was your type
Haven't been working out for you.
(10:58):
You know this is a good guy,you know, and I was like you
know what?
You have a point there to sayto say.
So, um, got in that relationshipand tried to learn from my past
relationships what not to do orto do, because of my first
marriage I really didn't knowhow to cook.
Um, I'm gonna tell you all aquick story.
(11:20):
So Thanksgiving I cookedThanksgiving dinner and at the
time he wasn't my husband, Ithink we were engaged and I left
I love everything into Turkey.
Okay.
So when he got home, the turkeylooked good and everything.
(11:41):
But when he tried to cut intothat joke of honey, some blood
came out and all it was hard tocut into.
So he asked me did I take thestuff out the turkey?
I said what's the?
He was like the.
You know the stuff that's inthe turkey, like the neck and
you know the gizzards orwhatever.
(12:01):
So I'm like mmm, it wasn'tnothing in that turkey and he
was like it's in all the turkeys.
I was like no, he was like didyou wash it?
I see you washed it, chide, andleft everything in the turkey,
okay.
So I didn't know how to cook,okay, I was just trying.
I tried my best.
He threw everything out, okay,through it all the way, even the
(12:22):
sides.
He was so pissed, so, anyway.
So I learned how to cook, okay,cooked for my second husband,
you know, took care of the kids,tried to be a better wife, and
you know little.
(12:42):
Same thing, you know he wascheating.
And then, you know, I cheated,and you know things like that,
because I, you know, I'm beingpetty.
Now, now, back in the day, Iused to be petty.
I'ma tell you, I used to bereally petty.
You do something?
Oh, I'm gonna show you betterthan you know.
Then I can tell you okay, youcheated, I'm a cheap battle.
(13:03):
That's.
That's the attitude I had, notunderstanding the fact that why
am I gonna give myself tosomebody else that doesn't even
deserve me, first of all, justto get back at him?
You know I mean things likethat, just immature.
So then, after that, you know,after that divorce, I dated a
(13:26):
lot.
I Got a chance to know myself.
Now, before my second marriage,I was Celeb it for four years
and I Think I met him, probablylike that second year, I think
it was like two years after Iwas celibate and waited, you
(13:48):
know, until we got married, tobe intimate and Didn't work.
Sometimes I used to tell people, you know, go ahead and you
know, wait to get married firstbefore you have sex.
But I Don't say that anymorebecause you know you kind of
(14:11):
might want to just try it out tosee if it's for you.
But, um, again, still immature,because I really didn't know or
understand what a marriageconsisted of.
He worked, came home, went tosleep, didn't spend a lot of
time, you know, with myself andthe children, we didn't get any
(14:34):
quality time, didn't take me outon dates and things like that.
So, um, you know, after thatmarriage I started just kind of
again being to myself and, youknow, then I started dating, you
know, probably about a coupleyears later, and I wanted to see
what I really Enjoyed about me.
(14:55):
So, you know, just datingmyself, learning myself, loving
myself, things like that.
So later on I married a thirdtime, okay, and and um, when I
married my wife, I Saw red flagsagain, but not until now.
(15:18):
See, I didn't see these redflags until my heart was already
in, and then I would makeexcuses for the person, you know
, and we were like best friends.
You know, we hung out together,things like that.
Later I Found out she was anintrovert, you know, really
didn't want to be around peopledidn't want to hang out,
(15:39):
socialize and, you know, dothings.
Now I'm a karaoke girl.
I like to go out and you know Iwant to go sing karaoke.
I want to Be a social butterflyand you know I love to make
people laugh and smile, thingsof that nature.
(16:01):
Later down the line didn't workout Now it wasn't no cheating
involved or anything like that.
But I Learned a valuable lessonin all of that.
I said all of that to say youhave to love yourself, heal
Because my brokenness andsometimes we trauma bond, and I
(16:21):
think that's what we did.
We trauma bonded when we firstmet.
You know she had been throughsome stuff, I had been through
some stuff.
Same thing with my ex-husbands.
You know they had been throughstuff, you know, growing up and
Saw abuse and things like thatwill have been abused.
And then I had been, you know,abused as well and Just Toxic
(16:47):
family, toxic environment.
And so we're trying to then me,me and my brokenness, trying to
get with someone and theirbrokenness and Trying to fix
people.
You know that's what I foundmyself doing trying to show this
person hey, you can trust me.
You know the otherrelationships failed you, they
(17:10):
cheated or whatever, but I'm notgonna do that.
You know what I mean.
I'm here for you, trying toprove my love, and I Don't think
you really should have to go sohard with proving yourself to
someone and proving your loveand they still don't accept it
or receive it, you know.
(17:30):
So all of that stuff that Iwent through, let me tell y'all
I Really miss love y'all, cuzI'm just sharing all my business
and I told you I would beauthentic with you guys and
transparent.
But what I realized after thisthird marriage and divorce, I
(17:51):
Just I said I couldn't do itanymore.
I just couldn't do it anymore.
I needed to find my peace, mypeace of mind.
I needed to find me because Ialways tried to be with
everybody else, expecting me tobe for them.
That I lost myself and I didn'tno longer Knew who I.
I didn't know who I was anymore.
(18:12):
You know I was trying to bewhatever they wanted me to be,
because I didn't want anotherfailed marriage.
So I'm trying to please and doand, like I said, I lost myself.
I didn't.
I lost sight of my goals, Ilost sight of my dreams, I lost
sight of my personality, becauseeven sometimes they'd be like,
(18:33):
oh, you're too much, because I'm, you know, bubbly and I'm
always on a 10, you know, andI'm very open, you know, and
they didn't like it, you know.
So, trying to dim my light, youknow, or trying to, and not
intentionally, I don't, I'm notgonna say they intentionally did
(18:54):
this, but I Felt as if Icouldn't be me.
You know, true to me, who Godcreated me to be.
I started to just be thisperson I didn't even recognize
anymore because I'm so busytrying to, you know, take care
of my kids and please them.
I'm trying to, you know, pleasemy job, I'm trying to please my
(19:17):
spouse.
I'm trying to Be this, this,this superwoman, and I put too
much pressure on myself and Istarted falling apart, you know,
and so I realized that, shneak,would you, I take time for you.
You know, you have to learn howto self-love, self-care, all of
that stuff that people talkabout.
(19:38):
You hear, I'm talking about it,but I didn't know that it
applied to me.
You know, I had kept going andkept going through failed
relationships, you know, abuse,all kinds of stuff that have
been through.
You know, losses I've lost, youknow, 26 people in my life that
were so dear to me.
(19:59):
Um, tragedies had happened, butI was taught and raised to keep
going, no matter what.
You know, my grandmother usedto say grow a backbone, nikki,
you can't do that, you know.
So I was like, okay, I had wentas far as I could go, because a
lot of those times I didn'ttake time for me even to grieve
(20:20):
and things like that.
So I just kept going until Ifelt like I was having a nervous
breakdown because I had justTried to make everybody else
comfortable around me and happyaround me.
That I wasn't happy anymore, youknow, I wasn't my bubbly self
anymore and I didn't like who Iwas changing into.
(20:41):
You know, I've always said Iwant to change the world, I
don't want the world to changeme, you know.
And so I had to get back to thecore of who I am, who God
created me to be.
I had to let go of a lot of thetoxicity and, um, even
relationships, friendships, youknow, had to disconnect myself
because I found myself beingaround people that didn't, you
(21:06):
know, see value in me.
I didn't even see value inmyself at one point, you know, I
felt like I wasn't worthybecause, you know my mom, you
know, wasn't raising me and youknow I went to my
great-grandmother To be raisedand I just felt like I wasn't
wanted.
(21:29):
So when you feel like that, it'seasy for someone to manipulate
you.
It's easy for someone to Saythey love you, but you don't
really know how to receive loveand you don't really know how to
identify True love.
You know, everybody's lovelanguage is different.
(21:51):
For me, I think that I'vealways wanted someone that I
could feel safe with, secure,with stable, someone that would
be a good leader in my life andhave my back no matter what,
because that's that I'm thatperson.
I'm a right-of-die.
You know, in a relationship Igive everything I got and and
(22:17):
it's easy to lose yourself,especially when you're in love
with someone and you lovesomeone or you care for someone
so much and you want it to.
You know to be right, you wantto be perfect, but nobody's
perfect.
I had this big vision in my headof what a marriage should be or
(22:37):
what I wanted in my life, butit wasn't even what I envisioned
, you know I just I had to sitwith me and decide what it is,
what.
I can't even blame these peoplebecause at the end of the day,
I chose these people.
(22:58):
So it's no need to talk aboutthem or talk bad about them or
put them in a bad light, becauseI chose these people.
So I had to ask myself what inme Is so broken that I'm
choosing these types of peoplethat treat me this way, that
mistreat me, that disrespect meand All you know different types
(23:23):
of forms.
So once I did that and I Sharewith my ex-wife I said listen, I
Think you have to, you know,get you together and and heal.
And I need to take time and heal, because I feel like I'm
falling apart and I don't evenrecognize myself anymore when I
(23:44):
look in the mirror.
A lot of times I would numb youknow the pain or numb myself so
that I could deal with things.
You know, and that's just notwho I was, you know.
So now that I'm going throughthe healing process, because
(24:08):
it's, it's not like you can justheal tomorrow and then you're
good.
You know it's.
It takes time to heal becauseyou have to recognize what in
you is broken, you know, to getto the root of that thing.
You know, and I'm at a placewhere I just want peace, peace
of mind.
I want someone that's gonna beable to love me, for me flaws
(24:33):
and all, just love me for me,and Someone that has healed as
well and understands the innerwork that needs to be done to be
able to Let go of the ego, letgo of the pride, to be
vulnerable with one another.
(24:53):
Someone that puts God first,has a relationship with God.
Not just go to church, becauseyou can go to church, you know,
but to have that relationshipwith God.
It's a big difference, becauseI want somebody that's gonna
pray for me when I can't prayfor myself.
You know I'm saying I want topray for that person.
(25:14):
We pray together before we makedecisions, communicate with
each other, not just think thatthey supposed to read my mind,
you know, but I think a lot ofpeople's expectations sometimes
in Finding a relationship orgetting married, a lot of times
(25:38):
it's a timetable with society,it's you know.
Oh, I'm 30 something years oldand you know the clock is
ticking and we're afraid to growold by ourselves and being
(26:00):
single.
Sometimes we are afraid againto be vulnerable with someone.
We are afraid of what ourparents think, because they want
grandbabies, you know.
So you try to rush intomarriage or rush to have a child
(26:20):
by someone that doesn't evenoffer you a ring, that doesn't
see you as a wife, you know, andsometimes you have to ask
yourself say, if you've been ina relationship for six years and
you're not happy, do you reallythink that getting married or
having a baby is going to fixthat or make you happy?
(26:43):
No, it's not.
If you are already unhappy andmiserable in that relationship,
you have to ask yourself willyou continue to wait for them to
ask you to marry them and keepwaiting and hope that it'll get
better?
Or do you want another six,seven, ten years of whatever
(27:06):
you've already been through andwhat you've gone through?
You have to sit there and askyourself that question.
Some people don't want to startover.
They have the fear of startingover again after they've
invested some years.
They don't want to start overand I think that's a poor a lot
(27:28):
of the things I said is poorexcuses just to get with someone
and be in a relationship oreven marry them.
So I think that we have to takethe time to heal, to find out
what that root is, that thingthat first hurt us, that started
(27:50):
changing our views of life,that started tainting our views
in relationships and feeling asif all men are cheaters, all
women cheat or you know they'regoing to do this.
To me, it's too good to be truethat you can't even receive love
(28:13):
because you've had so much badin your life that you just
expect things to just go wrong.
And you can't live your lifeexpecting things to go wrong.
You have to live your life tothe fullest live, laugh and love
(28:33):
.
And just same thing like whenyou get on a bike and you ride
it and you fall, you get back upon it.
You might have some bad jobsthat you end up, you know
enduring, but you know you don'tjust stop working because you
know you had a bad job, you knowyou didn't like it or you felt
burnt out or you felt used andmistreated.
(28:55):
You go out there and get youanother job.
Same thing with a relationship.
You got to keep going, you know.
And don't be afraid to startover.
You can't let fear hold youback from anything in life.
A lot of times, fear holds usback.
That's the number one thingthat holds us back from a lot of
things is fear, and we have tolet go of that fear and be free
(29:20):
to love.
You know, a lot of times I feellike God wants us to not act
like children in an immature way, but to be free like a child.
You know, just be free, be freeto love, be curious, enjoy life
(29:42):
, enjoy love, and that's what Iwant to do one day.
I don't mind being by myselffor the rest of my life if
that's what God's will is, but Ireally think that God knows my
heart and he knows that I'm alover.
I'm a lover and I really wantto be ready for love when it
(30:09):
does come.
I want to be healed enough sothat way I understand what true
love is.
Caring for one another.
You know, just being there inthe time of whatever.
You know, whatever happensthrough sickness and health.
(30:32):
You know, through whatever itis that we have to go through,
there are many struggles in lifethat we stick together.
You know you got my back, I gotyour back.
Type of relationship that wecan beat all odds.
You know us against the world.
Type of relationship and setthat example.
(30:54):
You know just being partners,uplifting one another and I
think it's really important thatwe really ask the right
questions, asking the rightquestions.
Don't be afraid to askquestions.
You know and don't and do notlie about who you are, because
(31:16):
if you lie about who you are,then you're starting your
relationship off with a lie andno good is gonna come out of
that.
So you have to be honest withone another.
And guess what?
If you don't like what I laidout on the table, that's fine.
You might say, oh, she too much, mm-hmm, I can't do it.
(31:37):
Well, that's okay, because thatright person will come along.
That is right for you.
Without any lies, withoutdeceiving a person, be true to
who you are.
Don't just try to get thatperson because you think they so
fine, or he's so sexy, or hedid so, he's so handsome, and
(32:00):
you know he, he's this and that.
Well, she's this and that youknow, and you want them so bad
that you try to be what theywant and then later down the
line it don't work out becauseyou are not being truthful,
you're not being honest.
Someone will love you just theway that you are, just the way
(32:21):
that you are.
You don't have to fake it, youdon't have to put on a facade,
you don't have to put on a mask.
Take the mask off and revealthe true you and say hey, this
is me, do you want it or not?
You know what I mean and, likeI said, ask the right questions.
You know, it can even be likean application.
(32:46):
Write down a whole bunch ofquestions that you want to ask
this person or ask people evenwhen you're dating.
You know who's for you andwho's not for you.
So write down the things thatyou want out of a relationship.
Write down what it is that youneed, because there's a
difference between needs andwants.
(33:06):
Okay, but the things that youreally need in a mate, write it
down and don't be afraid to askfor that.
Is this what type of person youare?
You want someone that you canbe yourself all the time, not
just.
You know.
I've met people where, whenthey're around a girlfriend,
(33:27):
they one way, when they'rearound a man, they different.
You know Like who is this chick?
You know what I mean.
You have to be true to yourselfall the time.
You know what I'm saying.
Don't be fake, don't be phony.
Be you, and it's okay to be you.
(33:51):
Unmask.
Be who God created you to be.
Whether it's bubbly, you wantto attend, you know you're a
joker, you know you're alwayshaving fun.
Or you could be an introvertand you don't like to go out.
You like to stay in the houseall the time.
For me, I'm a little bit ofboth.
I love to socialize, I love tobe around people and put smile
(34:15):
on people's faces, but I'm alsoI can be an introvert, where I
like to be, in my own bed in myown house, and I like to
meditate and and have my me time.
It's nothing like my me time,you know.
So definitely understand thatif you want someone in your life
(34:40):
, you have to give them theversion of you that God created.
Stop being someone that you'renot.
Stop trying to keep up with theJones.
Stop trying to chase money ormaterial.
You know, stop thinking that aman is supposed for my women.
(35:00):
A man, you know, has to pay foryour bills and pay for all this
stuff.
You know, for me, I was alwaysindependent.
I worked two and three jobsMost of my life, 40-something
jobs.
I've worked, always great at it, mind you HR positions,
(35:22):
administration, all of that.
But I wanted my life to becomfortable for my children, and
I never wanted to put myself onsomebody else and ask them for
money or ask them to pay mybills and things like that.
My bills should already be paidfor.
I should be able to provide formyself, and if I have children
(35:46):
too, you know, for my childrenas well.
Now, when he comes in thepicture, then he would be a
helpmate or I would be ahelpmate to him.
That's how it should be.
Nobody should be looking forsomeone to take care of them.
That's what your mom and yourdaddy was for.
You know what I'm saying.
Or your grandma, or whoeverraised you.
(36:08):
But you don't go out herelooking for someone to take care
of you, because it's not gonnawork.
The relationship is gonna fail.
You cannot go out here lookingfor someone to take care of you
financially.
You know you have to be able todo that yourself, and then if
(36:31):
the person comes in and doeswant to take care of you and pay
your bills, then that's just abonus, you know.
So, anyway, I just want tothrow that out there.
I don't know if anybody agreesor disagrees.
That's up to you.
This is my opinion, my thoughts,my beliefs, of all the things
(36:51):
that I've been through ourrelationships?
I've been through.
It's important to find you,find yourself first.
Be comfortable in loving whoyou are.
Find out your likes anddislikes.
Find out what your dealbreakers are, whatever it is
(37:13):
that makes you tick.
Find out what those things areso when you do meet someone, you
can share these thoughts withthem.
Find out if they have the samebeliefs that you do.
Find out you know what it isthat for me.
I want someone that's going tostimulate my mind.
(37:33):
I want someone that I'm goingto feel comfortable with, with
makeup, without makeup.
You know, with my head done,without my head done.
You know I want to feelcomfortable with that person and
that person still thinks thatI'm beautiful no matter what,
because at the end of the day,we grow older.
We're not going to always lookthe same Okay, he ain't going to
(37:56):
always look the same.
So you have to be able to fallin love with that person, not
fall in love with the idea oflove, fall in love with the
vision that you had when youwere 12 or 16, 20.
You know you have to be able tofall in love with the person.
(38:18):
Everything about that personthat you love, that's what's
going to help you to have astrong relationship, because
there are going to be times thatthey get on your nerves.
But even through them gettingon your nerves, you got to say,
hmm, he get on my nerves but Istill love him.
(38:39):
You know what I mean.
She still get on my nerves butI'm in love with that woman.
You know that's my lady orthat's my man.
You want somebody you can lookat and say, hmm, hmm, it makes
you feel good and proud to havethem by your side.
So, anyway, I ain't going tokeep talking because you know I
(38:59):
can talk for a minute.
I just want to throw that outthere.
Stop trying to find thingsabout a person that is.
You know some things.
Y'all be thinking it don't evenexist.
Okay, some people be farfetched out there thinking this
(39:23):
is what this person is supposedto be.
He's supposed to be this for me, she's supposed to be that for
me.
Find out what it is that youwant, you both want, and then
you know, come together and seeif that works for you, and
especially heal first, becausewhat you don't want is have two
broken people trying to build arelationship together, because
(39:46):
they're going to end up Y'allgonna fuss, y'all gonna fight,
y'all gonna have attitudes.
Y'all not going to agree, y'allgoing to be disagreeing.
You're going to be mad all thetime because they haven't healed
those things within themselvesto be happy with themselves.
Some people say, oh, he doesn'tmake me happy.
You have to be already happyand full inside, can't?
(40:09):
Nobody make you happy?
You understand, nobody can makeyou something.
You have to already be wholeand that person needs to be
whole.
And when you come together thenyou guys can be able to work
together like music, like rhythmOkay, like the rhythm and blues
(40:30):
.
So I just wanted to let you guysknow that if you guys have any
comments, if you have a letteryou want to write in asking me
any advice or any questions,please send it to free concepts
podcast at gmailcom.
That's, free concepts with an Spodcast at gmailcom.
(40:54):
If you want me to keep youanonymous, I will, but just go
ahead and send me something sowe can talk about it.
Thank you so much for listening.
I hope you guys have an amazingweek.
Continue to love yourself, beyourself.
Don't let nobody steal your joy.
(41:14):
Don't let nobody take you outof character.
At the end of the day, you bethe best version of you that you
can be.
God bless, you have a good one.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.