August 25, 2025 • 29 mins
What happens when we finally face the painful truths we've been avoiding for decades? Real transformation isn't just possible—it's inevitable once we summon the courage to be honest with ourselves.
Today's episode dives deep into the essential connection between honesty, courage, and genuine self-transformation. Through a powerful real-life story of my husband's journey from bitter estrangement to profound healing, I share how fifty years of unresolved trauma dissolved through one courageous phone call and a willingness to forgive.
For most of our 17-year relationship, my husband carried the weight of childhood abandonment, creating patterns that affected every relationship in his life. Many labeled him harshly—"narcissist," "a-hole," someone who would "never change." Yet I witnessed something remarkable when he finally confronted his pain and reconnected with his 86-year-old mother after thirteen years of silence.
The moment when his mother asked, "Can we just let it all go?" and he whispered, "Mama, I have let it all go," represents the transformative power available to each of us when we choose honesty over comfort. His entire being has shifted—more tender, gentle, and at peace than I've ever known him to be.
This story invites you to consider what unresolved trauma you might be carrying. What relationships remain fractured in your life? What patterns keep repeating despite your best intentions? Remember, we don't strive for perfection—we strive for progress. With courage and radical self-honesty, restoration becomes possible, opening the door to truly being free to just be.
If this episode resonates with you, please hit the like button and share it with someone who might benefit. Subscribe to help me reach my goal of 100 downloads per episode. Your support means everything as we build this community of authentic seekers together.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
The process of self-transformation requires
honesty to admit where you don'tfeel well, to admit what you
wish were different in your life.
And as you move in search ofanswers to these questions, you
begin to develop essentialqualities for your
self-development.
(00:21):
You begin to develop essentialqualities for your
self-development.
You begin to cultivate thecourage to start being who you
truly are.
And that is a quote by Sri PremBaba, who I was turned on to,
sri Prem, by a dear friend namedTruth Matters, and truth does
(00:48):
matter.
As I welcome you back to Freeto Just Be, that podcast
attempting to empower humanityto courageously step out of old
patterns and programs and give abig old hug to new ways of
being.
And I hope this finds you inthe greatest health, with
(01:11):
vibrant energy today, becauseyou have chosen to accept full
responsibility for your body,mind and soul.
Here on Free To Just Be, I,teresa Marie, your traveling
ambassador of she, will try toinspire you to truly be who you
(01:32):
came here to be, which beginswith authenticity and honesty,
especially being honest withyourself, and that ushers in
freedom and alignment with ourhighest potential.
So won't you join me on thistransformative journey to
rewrite our narratives and livelives of purpose and passion,
(01:54):
and if this content is beginningto resonate with y'all, if it
makes you laugh or maybe it putsthoughts in your hopper and
they jump around and cause youto think a new way, can you
please hit the like button andshare it with somebody?
My goal in this next month isto reach over 100 downloads each
(02:17):
episode, which is such smallpotatoes.
There are other podcasts thatget thousands of downloads per
episode, but, one by one, eachlike raises the algorithm up and
then more people get to see itbecause there's a family of
people that would resonate withthe voice of Teresa Marie and
(02:39):
with the concepts in Free ToJust Be.
So please like this show.
Concepts in Free To Just Be soplease like this show.
And if you would just subscribeto my channel on whatever
platform you're listening, thankyou, thank you.
I appreciate you giving me someof your time and I hope that
today I can bring value intoyours as well.
I'm very appreciative of yourpatience.
(03:03):
On Wednesday night, my USB cordwell, actually, I didn't
discover it was the cord untilThursday morning because I had
trouble shot so many differentthings because I could not get
my Scarlett 212 to turn on andthat is the interface I need for
(03:24):
my microphone.
And lo and behold, learningcurves are learning curves.
And the very last thing tocheck was my USB cord.
Well, we did not have one, so Ihad to order one and we left
for our trip to Kentucky beforeit arrived on Friday.
Thus there was no episodesThursday and Friday.
(03:46):
But we are up and going, baby,and I'm excited to share.
I want to kind of focus on thatquote from Sri Preem Baba
talking aboutself-transformation and
requiring honesty with ourselves.
You know just like he says whenyou begin to tune in first to
(04:07):
your own body and you begin tounderstand, wow, I am wound
tight right now, my body is sotense, my belly hurts, I've got
a slight headache, when all ofthese things begin to come into
your awareness, you begin tounderstand that whatever it is
(04:28):
emotionally has shown up in yourbody.
And then we begin to startsaying, well, I don't like the
way I'm feeling Like currently.
Right now I am entering into 21days doing Dr Livingood's
21-day challenge.
Why is that?
Well, because I've known foryears that caffeine is not good
(04:53):
for somebody with one kidney andone adrenal gland.
I know that sugar is not goodfor a former person that's had
cancer twice.
Cancer, so they say, feeds onsugar.
So these are two areas of mylife.
And then when I read DrLivingood's book which is a very
(05:13):
easy read, by the way 200 pagesand I'm now ready to tackle
these last 30 pounds that I'vebeen fluctuating up and down for
a good five plus years now andI know I can do it.
I've done it before.
I've gone into beast mode and Ilost that 98 pounds.
(05:35):
Good grief.
It's almost 20 years ago nowalready, and I've pretty much
kept that off.
But now that I'm in my 60s,things have changed, and so that
is the big question ofself-transformation.
Are you honest enough to hearyour body when our body starts
(05:56):
speaking?
Often what we do?
Well, nowadays, the first thingwe do is we go to Google,
google, why is my hip hurting?
Google, why do I wake up stillfeeling exhausted?
And then the next step in theWestern world is we go to the
doctors, right?
Well, as you begin down thisself-development pathway back
(06:21):
home to yourself, it's going torequire you to be super, super
honest, and the reason I want tobring up honesty and courage
and self-transformation on anOpen your Mind Monday is because
I want you to really in areal-time story.
It's a true story about myhusband.
(06:42):
It's a true story about myhusband and I want you to
understand that, literally, ifyou become courageous enough to
even just begin to be honestwith yourself, massive change
could happen, massive change.
Now I'm going to give you alittle bit of background, and
(07:03):
some of these stories that I'mgoing to be sharing going
forward in coming weeks aregoing to lead up to a spinoff of
this show or a weekly aspect ofthe show I'm not sure which yet
, and that'll be when I have aspecial guest with me on a
weekly basis.
But I want to speak to you aboutcourage and self-honesty.
(07:28):
You know, my husband and I haveknown each other for 25 years.
We have been together for 17,and we have been married for
eight and, as many of youalready know, the first five
years that I knew him, he was mybrother-in-law.
Oh yeah, I've already told youand admitted and I am not
(07:49):
ashamed of my Jerry RingerSpringer life.
It has availed me incredibleself-transformation.
It has availed me sevenbeautiful children, it has given
me 11 beautiful grandbabies,and my walk with Christ and God
(08:10):
and the Divine Mother which, ofcourse, is the earth that we
live on has just grownexponentially through the Jerry
Ringer Springer.
But in order to really transformyourself, you have to be
willing to admit whatever it is.
(08:30):
You know in my case I havecoined the phrase a Jerry
Springer Ringer life.
Maybe you had a life ofincredible addiction, or maybe
you had a life of self-sabotageor codependency, or the old old
story.
Right, that's where it begins.
(08:53):
First you have to decipherwhere you're at.
So, going back, I want to stayreal succinct here because I
have a limited amount of timethis morning.
But Many, many people reallytagged my husband over the years
, tagged him with what A label.
(09:14):
And what was that label?
Oh, there were many A-hole wasthe big one, and I used to claim
yes, but he's my A-hole.
I had one friend, vehemently.
In fact, the relationship endedwhen I went back to him the
second time because she screamedand hollered don't you know
(09:38):
that he's a narcissist, he's amisogynist and he's never going
to change.
And I've spoke about this manytimes before on my show about
how anybody that talks aboutnarcissism in today's day and
age, it's usually an angryperson.
98% of the time 99% really it'san angry woman.
(10:04):
And the woman looking at you ona YouTube video is saying run,
run.
You will never change anarcissist, you will never
change an a-hole.
Run 10, 5 years, 5 days, right.
And we've talked ad nauseumabout the fact that our very
(10:43):
bodies, in the course of 7 years, every cell transforms into
newness, right?
So change is inevitable and wemight as well just face the fact
that that's the case.
Well, I want to share with you,in the last 10 minutes of this
episode, this beautifultransformation that I have had
(11:04):
the privilege and honor ofwitnessing.
You know, when I left, myhusband was an absolute
porcupine.
Everything triggered him,everything gave a negative,
angry response.
Everything was about arroganceand my way of the highway.
(11:26):
And I finally came to the pointafter years of, you know,
pointing this out, years oftrying to work it out, um, and
even telling my husband um, youknow, if you continue to not
look at your shite, because weall have shite folks, we all
have a pile and, as my husbandand I have talked about many
(11:50):
times over the years, there is apony under that pile.
But guess what?
Nobody is going to shovel yourshite out of the way, nobody is
going to address the mess thatyou have created inside, but you
.
And that takes a lot of courage.
It takes a lot ofself-recognition and a lot of
(12:15):
acknowledgement of who you areand where you are at the current
moment.
And then the question is do youwant to be that way anymore?
I first left.
Everything just escalated.
If I had left for three monthsprior and it really wasn't a
leaving, because as soon as myhusband knew where I was at, we
(12:38):
saw or spoke to each other everyday for three months.
So we were basically paying tworents and we were never really
apart.
So there was nothing solvedback then.
And about six or seven yearslater, here I was again in the
same spot with all thisunresolved problem in my
(12:58):
marriage and in my home and Ifelt suffocated, controlled,
could never do anything right,and you know, in conversations
now on the other side of that,so did my husband.
But his initial reaction to myexit was absolute and extreme
(13:23):
anger, oh buddy.
Anger so vehement and so strongthat I had to change my phone
number, I had to block him onany social media and I literally
had to finally just say I amremoving your number from my
(13:46):
phone, not just blocking you, Iam removing it.
And it was pretty bad, and ittook him the good part of a year
before he began to develop hisown routines as a single
individual at the home.
(14:16):
He began to feel gratitude foreverything that I did at the
home that he never hadparticipated in, and everything
began to shift.
Now my husband is a praying man, and he prays all the time, but
(14:37):
was not really willing to lookhard at himself Until finally,
nine ten, almost a year in, hebegan to recognize that it
wasn't the five wives, me beingnumber five, and you know, hey,
don't diss my husband, he's myfourth husband.
(14:59):
Know anybody else in your familythat has had multiple marriages
.
It's unfortunately very commonand we're going to discuss why
in weeks going forward.
Anyway, and one of the thingsthat he seriously began to look
at is what I always discussedwith him how I had quote unquote
(15:24):
daddy issues, because thetraumas in my life revolved
around not feeling loved, secureor safe with my dad, and my
husband had similar issues withhis mom, who walked out of his
life when he was in kindergarten.
He was just five years old andhe held onto that he is 59 years
(15:46):
old, and he held onto that heis 59 years old, and so for 50
plus years he has held on tothat trauma and that
unforgiveness.
And, in case you were not aware, not aware, unforgiveness
(16:08):
unchecked becomes bitterness andvengefulness and just ugliness.
All right, now I want you tothink about the people in your
life that you do not want to bearound and I want you to, just
(16:29):
for a little bit, just thinkabout walking in their shoes.
Maybe you know some of theirpast history, maybe you don't.
Now, if you know the histories,it's a little bit easier to
understand, maybe, why peopleare reacting the way they do.
But I'm here to say that it ismy belief, especially after
seeing Roger, my husband, thatit is my belief, especially
(16:54):
after seeing Roger my husband,change so much that the
underlying issue is unresolvedtrauma, childhood trauma, things
that have happened to us, andthen we develop all these
survival skills and all theseways to cope with that trauma
and it follows us into adulthood.
So my husband, on his own, gotthe call from one of his sisters
(17:23):
, a sister that he hadn't seenin 13 years, not since his dad's
funeral, and it was a callabout his mom, and I had just
asked him the other day, the daybefore that this call came in.
You know, are you going to geta hold of your mom for mom's day
(17:45):
?
And he pretty much said well,you know, I don't know why, why
would I do that?
But he was thinking about it.
And then the next day, hissister called and said that his
mom had a pretty serious falland had 17 or 18 stitches across
her forehead and things werelooking pretty grim.
(18:06):
And the next day, after allthese years now there were
several attempts made in the 50years but the last time he
talked to his mom was 13 yearsago at his dad's funeral, and he
was furious with her, furious.
(18:28):
So for 13 years, 13 years ofyuck was held in my husband's
body.
And what are we really folks?
We're love and light body.
And what are we really folks?
We're love and light.
And it's no wonder that therewas a war going on in his heart,
(18:48):
in his spirit and in betweenhis ears.
Well, he called his mom andspent a good half hour speaking
with her on the phone.
And that afternoon I got a textbecause at that point we were
already texting and we werealready talking on the phone and
(19:09):
even doing some video chats andI got this very long, like
three or four paragraphs of atext which is very unusual for
my husband because my husbandclaims to not be a communicator
and and we're going to bust thatprogram wide, wide apart here
real soon as well and I couldn'tbelieve this text was talking
(19:33):
about how I, you know.
He was saying I talked to mama.
Now, he never called her mamafor years a lot of derogatory
terms that I don't want to sharebut he was saying I talked to
mama and she's so strong and I'mso happy that she survived that
fall and I told her that Iforgave her and I asked her to
(20:00):
forgive me for being such a buttall these years.
And I'm looking at the textsaying who is this?
This isn't my husband.
And then a couple hours later,our scheduled video chat call
came and again now I'mwitnessing in real time on this
(20:22):
call.
I'm seeing his face and hiswhole continence has changed as
he reiterates the whole story tome again about calling his mom
and talking to his sister andhow much better he felt and it
was just amazing.
Well, the culmination of thestory is on Friday we left for
(20:47):
Kentucky and we went and visitedhis sister, patty, and his mama
His mama's now in a nursinghome because she needs a lot
more care than anybody in thefamily can provide her.
She is fully blind.
Glaucoma took her vision andshe has stability issues and her
(21:08):
memory is starting to go aswell.
So what a blessing to show upand it was a beautiful facility.
We were very happy to see that.
But the best part was waswatching my husband watching his
anticipation of seeing his mom,watching his body language as
(21:33):
his sister wheeled her into thevisiting room.
Watching his face, watching herface as she tried to listen
intently to the voice becauseshe hadn't seen her son in 13
years, so she was trying tocompensate with her hearing and
I'm watching all of this in realtime and he immediately took
(21:58):
her hand and talked about howhappy he was to be there.
And then, you know, and I tookpictures of it all and he went
in for a hug and she wrapped herarms around him.
And then later in theconversation this is the most
significant part, y'all thatwoman, that 86-year-old woman
(22:23):
who wheeled in, looking so lostand so sad and so intently
listening to her son.
As the conversation went on,she looked out towards my
husband because she wasfollowing our voices and she
said you know I have beenpraying for months and months
(22:43):
asking God what I did to makeyou so mad.
Now, just in way of background,there were many, many, many
things.
Besides the abandonment,besides taking his sisters and
leaving him behind, there weremany, many other things that
(23:04):
affected my husband.
But here, at 86, with dementiaand or Alzheimer's possibly
coming into her world, she justsaid I can't remember that would
make you so mad.
And my husband looked at herand I watched him melt and he
(23:30):
grabbed her hand with both ofhis hands now and he leaned in
and he said I forgot too, mom.
And then she smiled and leanedcloser to him and said can we
just let it all go then?
And he leaned in and whisperedin her ear mama, I have let it
(23:55):
all go, Everything is all gone,mama.
And then they hugged and hismom's face just absolutely lit
up and it is gone.
My husband, from the moment heforgave his mom on that phone
(24:17):
call, has been more tender,tender, more gentle, more at
peace.
The joy in his face, hisoccasional, you know, because we
are never going to be perfecton this 3D plane folks, I hate
to tell you, if you're strivingfor perfection, it's not going
(24:40):
to happen, okay, and we don'tstrive for perfection, we strive
for progress, right, and sosuch incredible progress.
We had a great visit.
We stayed the night with hissister.
Now he has one more sister tosee, but she did not want to see
him because she just I thinkit's a matter of pride.
(25:00):
She's not doing very well andwe'll get to see her the next
time because there will be morevisits.
And it's kind of like what Idid with my sisters when I was
in Florida I went to Naples andvisited my two sisters that I
hadn't seen in 13 plus years.
Restoration is possible.
(25:22):
Restoration is possible.
Can you open your mind to thepossibility that even the worst
person in your life maybe thatworst person is you, maybe you
are the one that all the peoplearound you are calling the
(25:44):
a-hole, maybe you're the onewith narcissist tendencies, and,
believe you me, we are going todismantle that program of
narcissism before it's over.
But on an Open your Mind Monday, can you open your mind to the
possibility that with a littlecourage and a little bit of
(26:10):
searching, that you can alsowitness huge changes in who you
are?
That's what Free To Just Be ishere to do, is to bring up
possibilities is to show thatthere are other ways of doing
(26:30):
things, because as we sharestories like this, the process
of self-transformationprogresses.
But it requires honesty toadmit where you aren't doing so
well, and that requires a lot ofcourage, courage to face
(27:08):
uncomfortable truths.
Very true that I never in mywildest dreams I am a believer.
I've been praying for this manfor 25 years.
I watched him come radically toChrist.
I watched him hold on to hisbitterness and still pray and
still go to church, but I havenever witnessed such a complete
(27:32):
and utter transformation as Ihave with my husband now.
It is as if the spirit man thatI fell in love with 20 years
ago.
I loved him as mybrother-in-law 25 years ago, but
20 years ago, when we beganmore than just you know, we were
(27:58):
no longer brother andsister-in-law and then we were
friends always and then webecame more.
It's as if he's returned tothat spirit man, that gentleness
, that kindness, and it's abeautiful, a beautiful
(28:18):
transformation to witness.
So, as you search for answersto the questions of why don't I
feel well and why can you openyour mind and your heart today
to at least begin cultivatingthe courage to start
(28:42):
investigating, because when youdo, you'll get closer and closer
to literally being free to justbe.
I love you, humanity.
Have yourself a magnificentMonday, peace out.
The process of self-transformation requires
honesty to admit where you don'tfeel well, to admit what you
wish were different in your life.
And as you move in search ofanswers to these questions, you
begin to develop essentialqualities for your
self-development.
(00:21):
You begin to develop essentialqualities for your
self-development.
You begin to cultivate thecourage to start being who you
truly are.
And that is a quote by Sri PremBaba, who I was turned on to,
sri Prem, by a dear friend namedTruth Matters, and truth does
(00:48):
matter.
As I welcome you back to Freeto Just Be, that podcast
attempting to empower humanityto courageously step out of old
patterns and programs and give abig old hug to new ways of
being.
And I hope this finds you inthe greatest health, with
(01:11):
vibrant energy today, becauseyou have chosen to accept full
responsibility for your body,mind and soul.
Here on Free To Just Be, I,teresa Marie, your traveling
ambassador of she, will try toinspire you to truly be who you
(01:32):
came here to be, which beginswith authenticity and honesty,
especially being honest withyourself, and that ushers in
freedom and alignment with ourhighest potential.
So won't you join me on thistransformative journey to
rewrite our narratives and livelives of purpose and passion,
(01:54):
and if this content is beginningto resonate with y'all, if it
makes you laugh or maybe it putsthoughts in your hopper and
they jump around and cause youto think a new way, can you
please hit the like button andshare it with somebody?
My goal in this next month isto reach over 100 downloads each
(02:17):
episode, which is such smallpotatoes.
There are other podcasts thatget thousands of downloads per
episode, but, one by one, eachlike raises the algorithm up and
then more people get to see itbecause there's a family of
people that would resonate withthe voice of Teresa Marie and
(02:39):
with the concepts in Free ToJust Be.
So please like this show.
Concepts in Free To Just Be soplease like this show.
And if you would just subscribeto my channel on whatever
platform you're listening, thankyou, thank you.
I appreciate you giving me someof your time and I hope that
today I can bring value intoyours as well.
I'm very appreciative of yourpatience.
(03:03):
On Wednesday night, my USB cordwell, actually, I didn't
discover it was the cord untilThursday morning because I had
trouble shot so many differentthings because I could not get
my Scarlett 212 to turn on andthat is the interface I need for
(03:24):
my microphone.
And lo and behold, learningcurves are learning curves.
And the very last thing tocheck was my USB cord.
Well, we did not have one, so Ihad to order one and we left
for our trip to Kentucky beforeit arrived on Friday.
Thus there was no episodesThursday and Friday.
(03:46):
But we are up and going, baby,and I'm excited to share.
I want to kind of focus on thatquote from Sri Preem Baba
talking aboutself-transformation and
requiring honesty with ourselves.
You know just like he says whenyou begin to tune in first to
(04:07):
your own body and you begin tounderstand, wow, I am wound
tight right now, my body is sotense, my belly hurts, I've got
a slight headache, when all ofthese things begin to come into
your awareness, you begin tounderstand that whatever it is
(04:28):
emotionally has shown up in yourbody.
And then we begin to startsaying, well, I don't like the
way I'm feeling Like currently.
Right now I am entering into 21days doing Dr Livingood's
21-day challenge.
Why is that?
Well, because I've known foryears that caffeine is not good
(04:53):
for somebody with one kidney andone adrenal gland.
I know that sugar is not goodfor a former person that's had
cancer twice.
Cancer, so they say, feeds onsugar.
So these are two areas of mylife.
And then when I read DrLivingood's book which is a very
(05:13):
easy read, by the way 200 pagesand I'm now ready to tackle
these last 30 pounds that I'vebeen fluctuating up and down for
a good five plus years now andI know I can do it.
I've done it before.
I've gone into beast mode and Ilost that 98 pounds.
(05:35):
Good grief.
It's almost 20 years ago nowalready, and I've pretty much
kept that off.
But now that I'm in my 60s,things have changed, and so that
is the big question ofself-transformation.
Are you honest enough to hearyour body when our body starts
(05:56):
speaking?
Often what we do?
Well, nowadays, the first thingwe do is we go to Google,
google, why is my hip hurting?
Google, why do I wake up stillfeeling exhausted?
And then the next step in theWestern world is we go to the
doctors, right?
Well, as you begin down thisself-development pathway back
(06:21):
home to yourself, it's going torequire you to be super, super
honest, and the reason I want tobring up honesty and courage
and self-transformation on anOpen your Mind Monday is because
I want you to really in areal-time story.
It's a true story about myhusband.
(06:42):
It's a true story about myhusband and I want you to
understand that, literally, ifyou become courageous enough to
even just begin to be honestwith yourself, massive change
could happen, massive change.
Now I'm going to give you alittle bit of background, and
(07:03):
some of these stories that I'mgoing to be sharing going
forward in coming weeks aregoing to lead up to a spinoff of
this show or a weekly aspect ofthe show I'm not sure which yet
, and that'll be when I have aspecial guest with me on a
weekly basis.
But I want to speak to you aboutcourage and self-honesty.
(07:28):
You know, my husband and I haveknown each other for 25 years.
We have been together for 17,and we have been married for
eight and, as many of youalready know, the first five
years that I knew him, he was mybrother-in-law.
Oh yeah, I've already told youand admitted and I am not
(07:49):
ashamed of my Jerry RingerSpringer life.
It has availed me incredibleself-transformation.
It has availed me sevenbeautiful children, it has given
me 11 beautiful grandbabies,and my walk with Christ and God
(08:10):
and the Divine Mother which, ofcourse, is the earth that we
live on has just grownexponentially through the Jerry
Ringer Springer.
But in order to really transformyourself, you have to be
willing to admit whatever it is.
(08:30):
You know in my case I havecoined the phrase a Jerry
Springer Ringer life.
Maybe you had a life ofincredible addiction, or maybe
you had a life of self-sabotageor codependency, or the old old
story.
Right, that's where it begins.
(08:53):
First you have to decipherwhere you're at.
So, going back, I want to stayreal succinct here because I
have a limited amount of timethis morning.
But Many, many people reallytagged my husband over the years
, tagged him with what A label.
(09:14):
And what was that label?
Oh, there were many A-hole wasthe big one, and I used to claim
yes, but he's my A-hole.
I had one friend, vehemently.
In fact, the relationship endedwhen I went back to him the
second time because she screamedand hollered don't you know
(09:38):
that he's a narcissist, he's amisogynist and he's never going
to change.
And I've spoke about this manytimes before on my show about
how anybody that talks aboutnarcissism in today's day and
age, it's usually an angryperson.
98% of the time 99% really it'san angry woman.
(10:04):
And the woman looking at you ona YouTube video is saying run,
run.
You will never change anarcissist, you will never
change an a-hole.
Run 10, 5 years, 5 days, right.
And we've talked ad nauseumabout the fact that our very
(10:43):
bodies, in the course of 7 years, every cell transforms into
newness, right?
So change is inevitable and wemight as well just face the fact
that that's the case.
Well, I want to share with you,in the last 10 minutes of this
episode, this beautifultransformation that I have had
(11:04):
the privilege and honor ofwitnessing.
You know, when I left, myhusband was an absolute
porcupine.
Everything triggered him,everything gave a negative,
angry response.
Everything was about arroganceand my way of the highway.
(11:26):
And I finally came to the pointafter years of, you know,
pointing this out, years oftrying to work it out, um, and
even telling my husband um, youknow, if you continue to not
look at your shite, because weall have shite folks, we all
have a pile and, as my husbandand I have talked about many
(11:50):
times over the years, there is apony under that pile.
But guess what?
Nobody is going to shovel yourshite out of the way, nobody is
going to address the mess thatyou have created inside, but you
.
And that takes a lot of courage.
It takes a lot ofself-recognition and a lot of
(12:15):
acknowledgement of who you areand where you are at the current
moment.
And then the question is do youwant to be that way anymore?
I first left.
Everything just escalated.
If I had left for three monthsprior and it really wasn't a
leaving, because as soon as myhusband knew where I was at, we
(12:38):
saw or spoke to each other everyday for three months.
So we were basically paying tworents and we were never really
apart.
So there was nothing solvedback then.
And about six or seven yearslater, here I was again in the
same spot with all thisunresolved problem in my
(12:58):
marriage and in my home and Ifelt suffocated, controlled,
could never do anything right,and you know, in conversations
now on the other side of that,so did my husband.
But his initial reaction to myexit was absolute and extreme
(13:23):
anger, oh buddy.
Anger so vehement and so strongthat I had to change my phone
number, I had to block him onany social media and I literally
had to finally just say I amremoving your number from my
(13:46):
phone, not just blocking you, Iam removing it.
And it was pretty bad, and ittook him the good part of a year
before he began to develop hisown routines as a single
individual at the home.
(14:16):
He began to feel gratitude foreverything that I did at the
home that he never hadparticipated in, and everything
began to shift.
Now my husband is a praying man, and he prays all the time, but
(14:37):
was not really willing to lookhard at himself Until finally,
nine ten, almost a year in, hebegan to recognize that it
wasn't the five wives, me beingnumber five, and you know, hey,
don't diss my husband, he's myfourth husband.
(14:59):
Know anybody else in your familythat has had multiple marriages
.
It's unfortunately very commonand we're going to discuss why
in weeks going forward.
Anyway, and one of the thingsthat he seriously began to look
at is what I always discussedwith him how I had quote unquote
(15:24):
daddy issues, because thetraumas in my life revolved
around not feeling loved, secureor safe with my dad, and my
husband had similar issues withhis mom, who walked out of his
life when he was in kindergarten.
He was just five years old andhe held onto that he is 59 years
(15:46):
old, and he held onto that heis 59 years old, and so for 50
plus years he has held on tothat trauma and that
unforgiveness.
And, in case you were not aware, not aware, unforgiveness
(16:08):
unchecked becomes bitterness andvengefulness and just ugliness.
All right, now I want you tothink about the people in your
life that you do not want to bearound and I want you to, just
(16:29):
for a little bit, just thinkabout walking in their shoes.
Maybe you know some of theirpast history, maybe you don't.
Now, if you know the histories,it's a little bit easier to
understand, maybe, why peopleare reacting the way they do.
But I'm here to say that it ismy belief, especially after
seeing Roger, my husband, thatit is my belief, especially
(16:54):
after seeing Roger my husband,change so much that the
underlying issue is unresolvedtrauma, childhood trauma, things
that have happened to us, andthen we develop all these
survival skills and all theseways to cope with that trauma
and it follows us into adulthood.
So my husband, on his own, gotthe call from one of his sisters
(17:23):
, a sister that he hadn't seenin 13 years, not since his dad's
funeral, and it was a callabout his mom, and I had just
asked him the other day, the daybefore that this call came in.
You know, are you going to geta hold of your mom for mom's day
(17:45):
?
And he pretty much said well,you know, I don't know why, why
would I do that?
But he was thinking about it.
And then the next day, hissister called and said that his
mom had a pretty serious falland had 17 or 18 stitches across
her forehead and things werelooking pretty grim.
(18:06):
And the next day, after allthese years now there were
several attempts made in the 50years but the last time he
talked to his mom was 13 yearsago at his dad's funeral, and he
was furious with her, furious.
(18:28):
So for 13 years, 13 years ofyuck was held in my husband's
body.
And what are we really folks?
We're love and light body.
And what are we really folks?
We're love and light.
And it's no wonder that therewas a war going on in his heart,
(18:48):
in his spirit and in betweenhis ears.
Well, he called his mom andspent a good half hour speaking
with her on the phone.
And that afternoon I got a textbecause at that point we were
already texting and we werealready talking on the phone and
(19:09):
even doing some video chats andI got this very long, like
three or four paragraphs of atext which is very unusual for
my husband because my husbandclaims to not be a communicator
and and we're going to bust thatprogram wide, wide apart here
real soon as well and I couldn'tbelieve this text was talking
(19:33):
about how I, you know.
He was saying I talked to mama.
Now, he never called her mamafor years a lot of derogatory
terms that I don't want to sharebut he was saying I talked to
mama and she's so strong and I'mso happy that she survived that
fall and I told her that Iforgave her and I asked her to
(20:00):
forgive me for being such a buttall these years.
And I'm looking at the textsaying who is this?
This isn't my husband.
And then a couple hours later,our scheduled video chat call
came and again now I'mwitnessing in real time on this
(20:22):
call.
I'm seeing his face and hiswhole continence has changed as
he reiterates the whole story tome again about calling his mom
and talking to his sister andhow much better he felt and it
was just amazing.
Well, the culmination of thestory is on Friday we left for
(20:47):
Kentucky and we went and visitedhis sister, patty, and his mama
His mama's now in a nursinghome because she needs a lot
more care than anybody in thefamily can provide her.
She is fully blind.
Glaucoma took her vision andshe has stability issues and her
(21:08):
memory is starting to go aswell.
So what a blessing to show upand it was a beautiful facility.
We were very happy to see that.
But the best part was waswatching my husband watching his
anticipation of seeing his mom,watching his body language as
(21:33):
his sister wheeled her into thevisiting room.
Watching his face, watching herface as she tried to listen
intently to the voice becauseshe hadn't seen her son in 13
years, so she was trying tocompensate with her hearing and
I'm watching all of this in realtime and he immediately took
(21:58):
her hand and talked about howhappy he was to be there.
And then, you know, and I tookpictures of it all and he went
in for a hug and she wrapped herarms around him.
And then later in theconversation this is the most
significant part, y'all thatwoman, that 86-year-old woman
(22:23):
who wheeled in, looking so lostand so sad and so intently
listening to her son.
As the conversation went on,she looked out towards my
husband because she wasfollowing our voices and she
said you know I have beenpraying for months and months
(22:43):
asking God what I did to makeyou so mad.
Now, just in way of background,there were many, many, many
things.
Besides the abandonment,besides taking his sisters and
leaving him behind, there weremany, many other things that
(23:04):
affected my husband.
But here, at 86, with dementiaand or Alzheimer's possibly
coming into her world, she justsaid I can't remember that would
make you so mad.
And my husband looked at herand I watched him melt and he
(23:30):
grabbed her hand with both ofhis hands now and he leaned in
and he said I forgot too, mom.
And then she smiled and leanedcloser to him and said can we
just let it all go then?
And he leaned in and whisperedin her ear mama, I have let it
(23:55):
all go, Everything is all gone,mama.
And then they hugged and hismom's face just absolutely lit
up and it is gone.
My husband, from the moment heforgave his mom on that phone
(24:17):
call, has been more tender,tender, more gentle, more at
peace.
The joy in his face, hisoccasional, you know, because we
are never going to be perfecton this 3D plane folks, I hate
to tell you, if you're strivingfor perfection, it's not going
(24:40):
to happen, okay, and we don'tstrive for perfection, we strive
for progress, right, and sosuch incredible progress.
We had a great visit.
We stayed the night with hissister.
Now he has one more sister tosee, but she did not want to see
him because she just I thinkit's a matter of pride.
(25:00):
She's not doing very well andwe'll get to see her the next
time because there will be morevisits.
And it's kind of like what Idid with my sisters when I was
in Florida I went to Naples andvisited my two sisters that I
hadn't seen in 13 plus years.
Restoration is possible.
(25:22):
Restoration is possible.
Can you open your mind to thepossibility that even the worst
person in your life maybe thatworst person is you, maybe you
are the one that all the peoplearound you are calling the
(25:44):
a-hole, maybe you're the onewith narcissist tendencies, and,
believe you me, we are going todismantle that program of
narcissism before it's over.
But on an Open your Mind Monday, can you open your mind to the
possibility that with a littlecourage and a little bit of
(26:10):
searching, that you can alsowitness huge changes in who you
are?
That's what Free To Just Be ishere to do, is to bring up
possibilities is to show thatthere are other ways of doing
(26:30):
things, because as we sharestories like this, the process
of self-transformationprogresses.
But it requires honesty toadmit where you aren't doing so
well, and that requires a lot ofcourage, courage to face
(27:08):
uncomfortable truths.
Very true that I never in mywildest dreams I am a believer.
I've been praying for this manfor 25 years.
I watched him come radically toChrist.
I watched him hold on to hisbitterness and still pray and
still go to church, but I havenever witnessed such a complete
(27:32):
and utter transformation as Ihave with my husband now.
It is as if the spirit man thatI fell in love with 20 years
ago.
I loved him as mybrother-in-law 25 years ago, but
20 years ago, when we beganmore than just you know, we were
(27:58):
no longer brother andsister-in-law and then we were
friends always and then webecame more.
It's as if he's returned tothat spirit man, that gentleness
, that kindness, and it's abeautiful, a beautiful
(28:18):
transformation to witness.
So, as you search for answersto the questions of why don't I
feel well and why can you openyour mind and your heart today
to at least begin cultivatingthe courage to start
(28:42):
investigating, because when youdo, you'll get closer and closer
to literally being free to justbe.
I love you, humanity.
Have yourself a magnificentMonday, peace out.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.