8 or 9 Crazy Nights of Christmas! Night 7! Violent Night (2022)

It's night 7 of Fried Rice Podcast's 8 or 9, maybe 10, Crazy Nights Of Christmas! Tonight we are discussing "Violent Night" (2022)

Join us every night until the day AFTER Christmas for a special episode of Fried Rice Podcast!

Check out our full movie review podcast, Fried Rice Podcast:

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Call our VOICEMAIL: [phone] and listen for this week's question!

(don't worry, Andy isn't sitting in his room, waiting by his phone like it's the 90s, just fiddling with the long chord, watching "A History of Violence")

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
It's a fried rice Christmas, ho ho ho.

(00:07):
Ho ho ho.
Oh, everybody and welcome to 8 Crazy Nights of Christmas with your host, Andy Santa Claus Rice.

(00:32):
That's me, ho ho.
I don't like that voice one bit.
With me as always are my reindeers Dasher and Dancer and Prancer.
It's Austin.
Check me out on the naughty list.
And Vixen and Comet and Cupid and Michael.
What's up everybody?
It's Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph and Brennan.

(00:53):
Hello.
I thought you were going to be more clever with that and be like, I thought he was going to have a stroke.
Jingle jingle beats per minute.
Brennan.
I wasn't going to bring in our inside joke about beats per minute.
Shipley out to the North Pole.
I was actually, this is what I was originally, but maybe on our next Christmas one you'll see the one I was going to do for Brennan.
It's going to be different each time.
I'm not going to introduce you guys as my reindeer.

(01:15):
And I'm never going to do that voice ever again.
And I'm going to probably kill myself after this episode because that was embarrassing.
Now, I mean, maybe if there was like a cartoon, I might have to make an AI cartoon of a Santa Claus, like a super cutesy one that would work with that voice so that it worked for the episode.
I'll work on that later.
But welcome, everybody.
Hello.
This is it.

(01:36):
It's Christmas time.
It's our eight crazy nights of Christmas.
Why did we decide to appropriate a Jewish holiday and make it our own?
And I don't know.
Because we're white colonialists.
That's what we do.
This is our plug and play field.
We are, as you might know, this is going to be our, so this is night one of the eight crazy nights.

(01:59):
And on our eight crazy night, which is going to be Boxing Day.
Right.
That's what we're releasing our very special lost episode.
But yeah, wasn't that supposed to be the ninth night?
Was that what?
We don't know how math works.
Yeah, we don't.
If you're familiar with the 17 nights of Halloween, you might be familiar with the fact that we didn't know we were doing that either.

(02:22):
So now those eight crazy nights of Christmas, I think is nine nights, includes one Hanukkah movie.
And that's our lost episode.
So look forward to that when we had less when our equipment was worse and we went on more tangents.
So fuck up for that.
We're fun.
I think we went on about the same amount of tension.
Yeah, I was just trying to make people forget about all the tangents that we go on constantly.

(02:48):
Tonight is the very first night we decided to go with fucking awesome.
We're going to call it a brand new classic.
This movie just came out a couple of years ago and it is already going to be a movie that if you haven't seen it yet, it's going to be on your list of every Christmas.
You're going to want to watch this thing.
And that movie is violent nights.

(03:10):
All right, everybody.
So what do you guys think?
I only took like six notes on this movie because I was just enjoying it so much.
The Santa puking on a lady.
I was already sold on it.
Yeah, that's one of my first notes.
First off, when we meet, he's in a bar fucking wasted.
I was like, OK, I've seen bad Santa.

(03:32):
Like, I've seen this, but he plays it differently, which I like.
He is a Santa that loves the children.
He wants people to be on the nice list.
He's a good hearted Santa, but he's disappointed.
He's disappointed.
Fuck.
And the magic is dying.
And because of that, he's sinking into this depression.
He's trying to kill with fucking alcohol.

(03:53):
That's different than crook playing mall Santa abuses child for hours.
This is still good Santa.
Yeah.
Unhappy because people don't believe in him.
This is depressed Viking Santa, which you don't get to very often say.
And it's very cool.
Drunk, depressed, action Santa.
And I love it.

(04:14):
So my first note was I like him already.
Like right when he was talking and he's having that like that connection with that other Santa and the other guy like he's like, so what are you going to do after this?
Oh, man, I got a busy night delivering presents.
And they both laugh because it's kind of sweet.
And he's like, you know what?
No Santa should be this fucking sad.
I'll buy you a drink.
I loved that.
That was like a sweet camaraderie between them two.
And then she's like, oh, no, that's the way to the roof.

(04:38):
And the look on her face when she sees the real Santa was so magical.
And then he pukes on her face.
But even the look that she gives after being puked on is not disgust.
There's still wonder behind her.
I like wonder.
Because it tastes like peppermint.
Yeah, I had to I had to look away after she got puked on her face.
I started God.

(04:59):
It was it was gnarly.
I went into this movie completely blind.
I didn't know who was in it.
I didn't know what kind of movie it was.
I assumed it was a horror movie.
Oh, I you just right now said the words completely blind.
And in my mind, I spelled that C-U-M.
So and I think that would be the name of an amazing ableist forward.

(05:21):
Like, you know, talking about like like we put like if you don't stop dot,
dot, dot, you'll go blind.
No, what I'm thinking is it's a porno, but there's no visual.
I was thinking a punk band.
Oh, completely, completely.
Yeah, I was thinking just a pornographic movie made for blind people where
it's all audio, where they do the sound effects.

(05:43):
You know how like you get those graphic audio books where they do like the
dolly work and feel like they're pretty sure this exists.
I don't know.
Is there graphic audio porn completely, completely compromised?
Let's see.
Oh, they did that.
They did graphic audio port or you just consider their.
And we always basically account is graphic audio porn, erotic audio porn,

(06:06):
erotic audio, do the one with the ogre.
Oh, I did the one with titties.
I don't know if we're going to get copyrighted for this, but this is a Christmas
episode.
We're not even ten minutes in and we've already had no more.
There's already anime titties on my street with it.
But it's six minutes of this whole whole whole moving on from all the

(06:30):
host that I went to this.
What are your thoughts on this movie?
I went in completely blind.
You know, come let's look at porn.
You know what?
I hope to God this blows up one day and a therapist listens to this and they
freely diagnosed me one day.
They call me like, hey, bud, listen, Anthony, just like that.

(06:53):
He had a he had a bunch of therapists listen to his comedy specials and they
just diagnosed him with so many things.
But here's the thing.
A comedy special is a little bit different than a podcast.
This isn't rehearsed.
This is in practice.
This is off the cuff.
It's off the cuff, which makes it worse or real.
Yeah, because I'm a fucking insane person.
So his wife can't be civil and we're not really here, Andy.

(07:20):
Oh, shut up.
We're going to walk another guest just like we did all those months ago on
that Hocus Pocus episode.
That's a fun prediction.
So, OK, so we meet the main characters, Alex Castle.

(07:41):
And for some reason, I couldn't like what is he from?
He's from the boys.
He's translucent.
That's what I could get out of my fucking head the whole time.
I'm looking at him going like, why do I know him?
Why do I kind of hate him?
That's like the whole time.
I'm like, why do I kind of hate this guy?
And it's because he was translucent to the boys.

(08:02):
So I think I'm glad I looked that up.
So we have translucent from the boys and his wife who's played by Alexis
Louder. I don't know what else she's been in.
She's a pretty black chick.
Louder with Crowder.
Probably not.
I said she's a black chick.
So they have a really cute little girl, Trudy, Gertrude, because she's

(08:25):
named after her grandmother, which we find out, but she goes by Trudy.
And she's really sweet and like the total like eight-year-old that like
would be on the nice list that you see later.
Like she's sweet to animals and she picks up after.
So I like I paused it on some of the lists as he like opens it up.
And it shows that it like shows like the this dude killed killed his best

(08:46):
friend or whoever when it gets to John Ligua Zamos.
I love the list.
The list was cool.
What a fucking cool thing.
And how does it work?
Christmas magic.
When he first talks to her on the walkie talkie and he looks and it sees
her name on the list and she talked to him.
I'm like, oh, I almost teared up a little bit.
So sweet.
And then immediately when he looked up the naughty list and it's all the
guys trying to kill him.
And I just started laughing.

(09:07):
Yeah, I like when the rest of the mercenary show up and the naughty list
just starts rolling.
He's like, by the way, we'll get there.
But that shed scene, I don't know what it was.
Boat house, shed garage, whatever scene where he gets the fucking where he
gets his new skulls.
That's not skull crunch.
The sledgehammer.

(09:28):
And it's just like the most Christian sounding like Christmas song.
And he's just Santa Claus killing swat guys.
I'm just in.
I'm in 100 percent.
This is why I came here.
I like Al.
We meet the security guard.
I noticed Al's nice.
I hope nothing bad happens to him.
And then we meet Bertrude, which is which is translucent sister.

(09:53):
Just the thing is that translucent and his sister are their mother is like a
huge business person, has a bunch of money.
Maybe all maybe not all of it gotten legally ill gotten gains, especially
bitch.
Yeah.
Huge bitch played by.
Oh, God.
She's phenomenal.

(10:14):
That's her name.
She's not showing up.
Why is she not on the top list?
That's great.
Yeah.
It's Beverly D'Angelo.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Very much reminds me of only God forgives mom.
She's she's vacation.
She's vacation.
Yeah.
She's she's.
Yeah.
So that's like if you ever know her, she's an all the vacation.
She's the wife, which she's great in this.

(10:36):
She's phenomenal.
So she we meet we Bertrude and he's the son named after the bomb, which is
the grand live streaming live streaming such a fucking dick.
So my next note is I hope this kid dies.
And then we meet.
OK.
Translucent sister is weird, bro.

(10:57):
She calls her brother Liptych, which I am a guy with two sisters and we do not
ever call each other genital forward snick things ever.
Never.
Never.
Never.
I mean, like, would you ever call your sister, hey, loose lips or something
like that?
You know, like, no.
Why would you?
It's weird.

(11:18):
So she calls him Liptych and then follows up with kiss me in front of my son.
She says that to her action husband husband.
Like, threw me off.
Is is Bertrude from a different father or have they been married this whole
fucking time?
Because it doesn't seem that way.
Because after he leaves and and and the sister like she goes, oh, he's an idiot.

(11:43):
But oh, it's fucking hot.
That's not really how you would talk about like husband, I guess, of Bertrude.
I don't think husband.
I think, yeah, just new boyfriend or playing or he's trying to get into the money.
Got it.
OK, he's trying to get the money because his Christmas present to the mom was
this pitch pitch.
Yeah, you're right.
And if he was there for that long, it would be bad.
Yeah.

(12:04):
So we really should have came up with that because I forgot.
That's what John Lee was on with his everybody.
Mike, Mike, you can use the line from the movie where they called the actor
boyfriend tragic Mike tragic Mike.
No, you'll be screwed because you started off before we even started by saying
fucking Christmas.

(12:25):
You want to get into that a little bit.
Why do you hate it?
Because it's so fake now.
The same reason it had to do with this movie, because most of Christmas now is
not what Christmas we've got to make it our mission by the commercial.
It's commercialized.
Too many people talking to commercialize.
Finish your thought.
Yeah, to commercialize.
It's not what it used to be.

(12:46):
We got to spend the next eight episodes making Mike believe again.
Yeah, we will.
I was agree with Mike.
I mean, I love Christmas.
But, yeah, I do agree that the kind of Christmas spirit has kind of become
about just like, give me, give me, give me.
Like, that's why like I didn't like Christmas for the longest time.
And like now that I have kids and they're young and like my kids are grown.

(13:08):
I liked it more when they were little.
That's kind of what's happening here.
Seeing their excitement.
Kids are too old.
And then you have stuff of like even the simplest things, you know, it's just,
it's always fun.
Tradition, just like, like I'm 30 and every year we would, we would, you know,
we'd all be in warm clothes.
There'd be a fireplace going.
A Christmas story would be playing on repeat the whole day.
We like, it's just the tradition of it.

(13:29):
That's great.
It's not about what's going on outside, how people are trying to sell you gifts,
the merchandise, everything.
I mean, all the new stuff sucks now.
It's way too expensive.
Before you just wanted RC cars.
Whatever the commercial was just throwing at you.
New from Hasbro.
Yeah.
I think that just like any other holiday, it's a state of mind.
It's, it's, you can, you allow yourself as much enjoyment as you allow yourself

(13:53):
to have.
So if you go into a bitter Scrooge mentality, it's not going to be fun.
You totally focus on the capitalism side of everything.
You can do that for every fucking holiday.
You can do it for every single holiday.
There's not a holiday that doesn't have some sort of capitalistic twist.
Best holiday.
Thanksgiving.
Yeah, I agree.
Just food.
It's all about food.
Food and family.

(14:14):
Food and family.
That's the thing.
It's about food and family.
No, no, no, no.
Hold on.
Thanksgiving is not about food and family.
Thanksgiving is the made up way to make us think that Christopher Columbus went back in
time, or like not went back in time, but met the Indians and was best friends with them
and they all had dinner together on their first harvest.
Yeah.
Except for everyone has their Thanksgiving.

(14:35):
Canada has their Thanksgiving.
Well, they don't.
Yes, they do.
Well, do they call it Thanksgiving?
Yes.
But not everyone.
That would be just us two constant cultures.
Western cultures.
Well, maybe Mexico, but Mexico, I don't think.
Honestly, I don't know.
I just know Canada does.
I don't know.
But like Europe doesn't have a Thanksgiving.
No, I don't.
Well, because they wouldn't.
Thanksgiving is specifically about our Native American bond.

(14:59):
There wouldn't be Native Americans in Europe.
Because I know Christopher Columbus shows up.
He says, I was the first one here and all the Native Americans went, yes, you are here.
You can take all this land.
Here's some turkey.
You want some turkey?
But the same way that you think Thanksgiving is about food and family and let's eat some
turkey and let's get together is a state of mind.
It has nothing to do with the holiday itself.

(15:20):
It's just an arbitrary Thursday that we all decide in November to pick to have a group
meeting with our family and just be around family.
And it's nice because it's in the wintertime and so the weather is more mild.
But Christmas can be the same way.
So it's like you can go into it being like, oh, man, I fucking hate this.

(15:41):
I got to buy presents for everybody.
It's capitalistic or whatever.
Or just think of it like just a pleasant time.
Like the music is nice.
The movies are fun.
It's a time to let yourself go.
I wish that I could watch Christmas movies all year.
You can.
I wish that I could listen to Christmas music all year.
You can.
No, I can't.
You do.
I do.
Okay.

(16:02):
Okay, never mind.
Shut up, Brendan.
I do.
I guess never mind.
I'm pretty sure you've talked about it on pod listening to Christmas music in July.
Yeah, you're right.
In 120 degree weather.
It makes me try to forget.
I go to that Fight Club trick where he pretends to be in that snowy cave and he meets the

(16:23):
seal and he goes, sly.
And I'm like every time I try to get cool, I try to think of that.
It was a penguin.
Was it a penguin?
Well, then I've been thinking about it wrong all these years.
I thought of a little seal.
I even named him Seal and Sealy.
I think a lot of it too is since I moved here.
Because I grew up with Christmas, there was snow on the ground.

(16:44):
It was a completely different feeling.
The decorations look different.
Everything is different than it was for the first 30 years of my life.
The first 30 years of my life, it was a lot of what you would picture as the ideal Christmas.
Living in the Midwest, snow on the ground, Christmas decorations everywhere.

(17:06):
I get what you mean.
Now everything kind of sucks.
People aren't rich and the middle class isn't thriving like it used to back in the day.
So you can't afford the electricity bill to have lights up all year.
You can't just do a whole full decoration.
And what sucks is you're right.
Now it's like most people are like, I'm not going to bother.

(17:30):
So you can't be that one house in your neighborhood that goes all out.
It's not worth it.
Halloween now, do kids go to neighborhoods to go?
I've never had a kid knock on this door.
Why would they?
Not out here.
Especially not in Havasu.
Halloween they just have a bunch of booths set up.
There's certain neighborhoods.
Not even Trunk or Treats.
It's just local businesses advertising their shit.
They had to find a couple for the kids.

(17:52):
A couple neighborhoods here where we'll take our kids.
There's also one, the Pill Hill we call it.
Where all the doctors live.
The place where all the doctors live that we call Pill Hill?
Corwin?
Corwin, yeah.
Is that like Sunny Slope in Phoenix?
Where they're like all the dopes in Sunny Slope?
What other fun colloquial terms do we have for places?

(18:14):
Oh, in Henderson, where all the tweakers live, they call it Hender Spun.
Or my favorite, Hender Tucky.
That's great.
Cool.
So we are at the Christmas party, I guess, at the mansion.

(18:36):
This highly secure compound.
And the translucent and his wife are going through a separation.
You can tell that things are rough between them.
And as they're heading there, she's doing this for the kid.
He's hoping that maybe he can change things with her possibly.

(18:57):
I know that we now know that he has a plan to steal $300 million from his mom and get out.
But she doesn't know this yet.
And so when they get there, they meet Al, sweet Al, sweet Prince of Al.
And oh, I like the line that she says, we're all not lucky.
We are not all lucky enough to have daughters.
Which is like such a flip of the stereotype.

(19:22):
It's like in any culture, sons is where you go.
You want sons.
You want sons.
The man is the one that runs the company.
And so she's the matriarch as a grandmother figure.
And she wants more women in the family.
So that's great that her daughter is pissed that she had a son, which is great.
That's such a fun thing.
Well, that's why she named him Bertrude instead of Gertrude.

(19:44):
Yeah, Bertrude.
Now, I would go by Bert, too.
And I like when they're kind of getting contentious with each other earlier.
And Alexis Laddertrude, who's his wife, she turns.
She gets Bertrude.
That's not a real name.
And he looks at his mom.
So great.
So we get the twist, I guess, the very quick twist, is that catering staff are all a bunch of mercenaries.

(20:14):
Mercenaries.
And they're led by John Leguizamba, Scrooge, Mr. Scrooge.
I was going to say his character name is from Die Hard.
From Die Hard?
Yeah.
Who's the bad guy?
Like Die Hard 2?
He's also a clown, right?
Yeah.
He's definitely a violator in Spawn.
John Leguizamba?
Was it a die-hard?

(20:35):
No, that's why I gave him.
He was in The Pest.
If you think The Pest and Die Hard are the same movie, we've got to have a conversation.
No, you're thinking John Wick.
He was a bad guy in John Wick.
Oh, John Wick.
That's right.
Oh, and he's not a bad guy.
He's the chop shopper.
He was a chop shopper?
I thought he was a bad guy.
He's the one that tells John Wick that he got in his car.
Oh, he's the one that calls the Russian mafia guy and goes, hey, man, your son just came in here with John Wick's car.

(21:01):
Like, what the fuck?
And the Russian guy's like, oh, shit.
So he's in the middle ground.
He's in the middle.
Romeo plus Juliet?
I think it was in Mario.
The first Mario movie.
Is he?
Yeah, the first Mario Brothers movie.
Oh, he's in so many movies.
I was thinking of the new one.
No, not the new one.
You can just go on and on.
He's in so many movies.
Yeah, he is.

(21:22):
But I want to just special highlight real quick.
Romeo with Juliet.
He was Mercutio, wasn't he?
He was tight.
Tideball.
I don't know.
I just don't know.
Oh, he was the one that fought with Mercutio.
Oh, when was the last time you watched Romeo plus Juliet?
High school.
How did you know that he was the one that fought?
Because I remember their fight scene, and it was pretty epic.

(21:43):
If this was on Tubi, we would have argued.
That's funny.
I remember most of the movies I watched in school.
Did school itself?
Yeah.
We had music class.
He's like, just listen to the music.
We just watch movies all day.
Matrix.
What was the one movie that when it's raining, like we had a...
Goonies.
Oh, see, ours wasn't.
It was Cool Running.
Anytime that we...

(22:04):
Oh, it's cool.
Anytime that we was raining.
At all of the schools, from elementary to high school, they would just put on Cool Running.
And I don't know why.
I think it was just that maybe some superintendent of the schools bought a couple hundred copies
of Cool Running, thinking that it was the shit, and then sent them out to all the schools,
but that's what they had.
We got a lot of Bill Nye.
Bill Nye, yep.
Well, we had that too, but I'm talking like Rainy Day PE.

(22:28):
It was Cool Running all day long.
So we meet the crew.
We meet One Punch Man.
He makes the fun joke about Boxing Day, and he fucking knocks out the security guard.
Love that.
Even though he knocks out the security guard, they kill indiscriminately throughout this
movie.
I don't know why he didn't finish the job.

(22:50):
It's like he one punched the dude.
Guy knocks out.
Realistically, if this was a Mercenaries are Killing Everybody, he would follow that up
by pulling a knife out and just cutting the dude's fucking throat, and then he would walk
out.
I'm just saying.
I love you disappointed about the lack of realism in one scene in the most unrealistic
movie of all time.
If you think it's one scene, Michael, you haven't been in a movie review with me.

(23:15):
If you think there's one scene I have an issue with the realism, you haven't been listening.
Remember six months ago with the King of the Avenue episode?
Everything except for the PlayStation 2.
Yeah.
Because you can't just pick up a PlayStation 2 controller.
It doesn't matter.
It's not how it works.
We didn't have rest mode back then.

(23:36):
All right.
So, oh, yeah.
Then after he knocks him up, some of the caterers, my question is, why are the caterers still
there?
Because we have the party part, which is not even a party.
It's the two families come, right, the brother, the sister, their spouses, and children.

(24:02):
So, the six of them and matriarch, matriarch, grandmother.
That's it.
That's the whole party.
There aren't other guests coming.
So, they have their exchange.
They do their thing, and they're about to go eat or whatever.
I feel like then the catering staff would fuck off.
I would say they're more servers than caterers.
The caterers have already dropped it off.

(24:24):
They're serving them, giving them drinks and things like that.
I feel like he makes a point of saying, like, you're the worst catering company I've ever
hired.
You cut them lengthwise, not sideways.
He says that.
When they were setting them up.
Yeah, when she was setting them up.
Well, because a catering company provides all of them.
They provide the servers.
They provide everything.
Yeah, you hire.
That's how it works at a party, though.
I've been to catered parties, and they don't leave until the end of the party.

(24:45):
They do all the cleanup.
They do all of it.
But have you ever been to a party at a mansion with six people where, like, what I'm saying
is, like, it just seems, and I understand extravagant and excessive, and that's totally
on brand with her.
But I don't know if, like, she would want 20 random people walking around her house

(25:06):
or, like, an extra 10 people walking around her house longer than necessary.
Because I feel like she'd still be, have some sort of, like, doesn't want her shit stolen.
I understand what you're saying, but I think you're internalizing it because I think these
rich people like that, they're used to it.
It's just the way their lives are.
Six people, that's, like, not even enough to where you have to call in ahead at a restaurant.

(25:28):
They have caterers, a team of caterers.
I mean, I'm going to guess that at Mark Cuban's house there's caterers all the time.
That's what I'm saying.
Oh, yeah.
I just listened to him on Thea Vaughn.
That's, like, they'll go to a bar and see who can run up the bill the most.
Right.
Well, we're looking at it from our point of view versus rich people's point of view.
That's all.
I mean, I don't think Mark Cuban would have caterers every day.

(25:50):
You know what I mean?
Every night, but every holiday.
I bet he has a private chef.
I bet he has a chef that cooks his family's food for him every night or whatever.
Yeah, or if he's not going out.
But, okay, fair enough.
Maybe it was valid that they were stolen.
I do like the line, when he was small, I begged you to beat him.
Oh, that line.
That was great.
Begged you to beat him.
This is when they're all being surrounded and Bertr's just fucking popping off because

(26:14):
he's so annoying.
Poor Al.
Al got a fucking shot.
Poor Al.
I was so sad.
When we meet Mr. Scrooge, the two bodyguards have guns.
Oh, okay.
Oh, yeah.
So, okay.

(26:35):
Scrooge is walking.
He's walking into the room and he runs across the matriarch and she has her two bodyguards.
These two bodyguards have guns drawn ready to protect her.
They have already heard tons of gunshots going on around the house, okay?
Then John Liguizamo opens the door.

(26:57):
He looks at them and he's like, you can call me Mr. Scrooge or whatever.
They decide in that, I mean, literally, they hear gunshots.
They know they're under attack.
They know people are fucking dying.
Their number one goal is to keep her safe.
They're at the fucking safe room.
He decides to try to punch John Liguizamo with his gun hand.
And John Liguizamo, of course, he takes the gun, flips it around, and shoots the other guy.

(27:21):
And he takes it out and he kills the dude.
Why?
That is the worst bodyguard of any movie I've ever seen.
What happens is, guy opens door you don't recognize on a secure compound that you fucking are paid to protect the person.
They shoot him in the movie here.
Yes.
I agree.
No.
It doesn't have to end the movie.
It doesn't have to end the movie because I think the crew would have still continued to go with the plan.

(27:45):
They might have had mastermind.
But as we found out later, when her personal team shows up, that guy knew just as much about the plan.
He helped open up the safe.
In fact, Liguizamo couldn't have done it without him.
So really, Scrooge was unnecessary.
He's the guy that got it all together, planned the operation.
But him dying doesn't change anything.
The plan still went on.
Except for the other guy isn't that kind of a criminal to settle it up.

(28:07):
That's the thing.
But it's already set up.
She also got to remember all these guards.
They've probably been like just guarding this lady the whole time.
And they just they don't they're not they're facing no opposition ever.
Like, no, she would not hire.
There's no way that this chick, especially stealing three hundred and six million dollars from the U.S.
government, doesn't have black desert like, you know, like those those mercenary dudes that want to kill.

(28:34):
Not even not even they're not holding back.
They want more than anything in this fucking earth to kill someone and get paid to do it.
Are you kidding me?
There are psychopaths out there that are smart enough to find a line of work police to where you can just kill people indiscriminately and get away with it.
Get paid because he was white.

(28:56):
Oh, so you think they took us? No.
It's John Liguizamo. He's Hispanic.
They would have. I know they're 100 percent.
They would have saw his ass. What I was trying to say is that they probably just weren't sharpened up for the night.
They just were. Yeah, they had another Christmas.
No, again, house full of caterers that they probably either they did whatever background checks they could.

(29:17):
It might maybe they just vetted the catering company itself.
But no, house full of strangers, extra visitors or families in town.
They're on extra high alert, extra vigilant throughout the night.
And and you're saying that, oh, maybe they're just a little bit lax.
And all the money, literally what all the money in the house, too.
There's three hundred six million plus.
There's literally by this point, their friends have died.

(29:40):
There's like they hearing machine gunfire going off in the house.
They assume everyone is dead.
They're as amped, hyped and as vigilant as he gets.
Absolutely. Gun in hand.
We're realistic. Absolutely.
They had a shot that did when he opened it. Yeah, there's no doubt if it were realistic.
However, it's a movie. Al, he can't get over the fact that these are not real life.

(30:01):
Poor Al would have shot him. Why do I?
I would have shot. I would have. That's the thing.
I agree. When he goes, oh, hey, buddy, I'm a little lost.
I feel like Al would put his hand on his gun and say, sir, I have to ask you to leave.
And the moment he does it, you pull his gun out saying, I'm going to have to ask you.
Now, if at that point, Ligwizoma got the drop on him, I would understand that the movie's got a movie.

(30:24):
But he didn't even try. So, yeah.
So one punch man should have cut that dude's fucking throat out and they should have killed John Ligwizoma on the spot.
Why do I feel like I'm not going to like your grade on this movie?
Because he's going to give it like a five after all this.
He's going to go all the way through, hammer the movie the whole way through and then give it a five.
That's what he always does. I'm not hammering the movie.
I fucking I'm enjoying every one of these things.

(30:48):
As soon as shit gets real for Santa, it's all it's all smooth sailing.
Yeah. You don't care about the people.
No, I cared about him. I cared about I care about the little girl's relationship.
And I wanted her. I wanted her.
I wanted Trudy's Christmas wish to come true or her parents got back together.
And it did. And then I also like that sweet moment where he's like,
remember when you wanted that toy and I got it for you and then the next year you wanted to fly.

(31:12):
And I was like, that's a pretty big wish. I don't know if I can do that.
But then I got you a flight or a kite and it let you feel like you were soaring in the sky.
I was sweet like what a well written Santa.
If there wasn't the backdrop of violence in this movie,
if you just think about little girl divorced parents and that's the Santa,
it's like a depressed Santa who feels like the world like the world is forgetting about him.

(31:35):
Gives off a little bit the Santa Claus vibes.
But like if you did it like a look like with this kind of nuance and touch like this did,
it maybe could hold up on its own without the violence.
But I feel like the violence absolutely is why we're here.
And it starts off great with a fucking star in the eye electrocuting his head to the point where it lights on fire.

(31:57):
And he just lets it cook while he's just fucking sitting there and then fucking falls out the window.
And I love that he looks down and he realizes the lights and then fucking falls back. So good. So good.
And then they like a video game, the goons, they go, I just see their flashlights.
What was that noise? And they go over and they see a body and they alert, you know, they do like a little alert.

(32:19):
Everybody finds out. OK, there's a dead body. There's something going on here.
We've got a we've got someone on the loose. We got our first flashback to warrior Santa.
And we don't get much. Just get him just kind of standing there like breathing hard. Yeah.
Like he just did something violent covered in blood, covered in blood.

(32:41):
And we're like, oh, fuck. Burning village around. I love it.
I love that every time anything magical happens, he doesn't understand it.
It's just Christmas magic. He just goes with it. David. David Harbor fucking nailed it.
So great. David Harbor is is I wouldn't say underrated because he's absolutely getting the credit
he deserves as the case of this hellboy. Like every time I see him.

(33:06):
Yeah. Like so David Harbor, you're he's getting the attention he deserves.
And it's worth it. Like it's well deserved. They recast the hellboy.
He well, because it was originally the dad from Sons of Anarchy.
That guy. Yeah. No, it's Ron Perlman for the first two.
And then they did a reboot in 2018 or whatever.
And they saw the weird fish guy. Yeah. Ape Sapien and the new.

(33:27):
Oh, wait. I don't know if they had Ape Sapien. No.
This because I think this one was more of like a prequel.
Yeah, not prequel because it doesn't.
I don't know if it connects to the Ron Perlman.
I haven't watched it all the way. I haven't watched it yet.
This one, though, I think is pre Ape Sapien.
Or maybe you meet him. I forget.
I remember it being fucking a really, really awesome scene where he fights some giants out like a forest.

(33:52):
Like any beast to shoot him. It's it's actually solid.
If you haven't seen David Harbour's Hellboy, I just saw the first Hellboy and I thought it was awesome.
And I just didn't care to watch anything else after that. Hellboy right there.
My best piece of art. World's biggest friendship bracelet, right?
Because your friend has the other one. Yeah.
It's like a little portal. I feel like every time I'm jerking off right there.

(34:15):
Speaking of the new Hellboy.
It's funny how it's like I'm jerking off in my bed anymore now that I live alone. It's all couched up.
Right where you said Austin. Right where Austin sits.
The new Hellboy is not getting a release, by the way.
Let's get direct to video. OK, cool.
I mean, it should make you a very, that's your favorite. Yeah. Sucks for Hellboy.
But I'm down for. He's got a dark horse.

(34:36):
First stand alone.
Or if.
But I'll go with.
Uh.
But forgive me.
The one that's shit. OK, so Hellboy is a oh, he's BPRD.
So BPRD.
BPRD. It says BPRBD.

(34:57):
BPRBD.
I go back to Pornhub.
Was that this episode? Oh, yeah.
That was the start of the episode. Yeah.
Uh, shit. It's the fucking. Dark Horse. There we go. Dark Horse.
Yeah, he's at BPRD. Did you ever watch BPRD?
That movie? No. With, uh, Ryan Reynolds and, uh.

(35:20):
RIPD. Jeff Bridges? RIPD.
That's two different things. Yeah, what's BPR?
I don't know what BPRD is. BPRD Diaries?
Oh, shit. Yes, that's a great movie.
RIPD's a great movie. I thought the RIPD.
I thought I.

(35:41):
I thought they were connected.
It could be Dark Horse, too. I don't know.
Maybe it was the Dark Horse.
Because I only know the movie. I don't know.
Yeah, it's Dark Horse Entertainment. Is it also Dark Horse? Yeah.
Just in Peace Departments.
That's why I feel like there's a.
And BPRD is. What does BPRD stand for?

(36:02):
I know what RIPD is. I don't know. I never heard BPR.
You guys gotta talk.
This is great. Just us Googling stuff.
It's in the universe, yeah. The devil you know.
Oh, fuck yeah. Helble Bundle's got a nice, uh.
Hellboy universe going on. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude.

(36:24):
I think I might pick this up.
20 bucks? I can get all these comics.
Okay. So I guess it's.
It's his department that he works for.
That's the like the. That weird department that.
That government agency.
Is that what Invincible was ripping off?
Hellboy? Yeah, there's like that Investigator Demon guy.

(36:45):
Oh, yeah. I think that's.
Well, that's Constantine and Hellboy.
Yeah, it's a magic. It's a.
And it might even be a little bit of a.
What's his name?
Not Entracon. Who's the one that.
I don't even ask him. You guys wouldn't know.
So all right. Santa Claus. Yeah, Santa Claus.

(37:08):
We see Santa with.
Santa with his skull crusher is like one of those God tier fucking scenes in a movie ever.
No, no, I'm talking about the new one, him standing there just in that flashback.
When you finally get the full pan out and you see all the bodies and he's holding skull crusher.
This is great.
Like Merry Christmas.

(37:30):
I just love the Santa history.
I want to know if that follows some actual lore.
No. I'm sure there's a few different branching off stories of the origin of Santa Claus.
It's close. It's not that far off.
The actual Santa Claus lore is that he's from Norway, Norway, Norway or Scandinavia, Scandinavian,
one of the Scandinavian countries, and he was a bad ass.

(37:53):
Those are Gunterslash.
The clock.
Yeah, Brennan got it.
I like the guy that plays Krampus.
Brendan Fletcher, because he was.
Where the gun.
Well, no, he's unfortunately is the star of four movie bulls.

(38:15):
Oh, three rampage.
Three of the rampage.
I saw I remember seeing all of which I liked.
Whoa, fucking way.
I love movie.
We got a review.
They're the best.
They are the best example of B movies there is.
They're not good.
They're not supposed to be.
Okay, the first rampage movie, which is Uwe Bull, is one of the most offensive movies ever.

(38:41):
Yeah.
To this day.
I mean, like, there's like he really ran with the.
Oh, no, wait, I'm thinking of Postal.
No, I'm so sorry.
Because Rampage, I remember is a little bit different.
Postal.
Another movie I love.
I think he's also a postal though, isn't he?
Isn't he the guy from postal?
Don't they make him a crazy guy in this movie?

(39:04):
But he's the one that's all like, I just want to kill all you guys.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's like a nod to his character.
Yeah, but he's also in something else I like.
But it does.
But dude, Rampage is crazy.
I remember just seeing the title knew exactly what this movie is about, but I watched it anyways and was just like, what the fuck?

(39:27):
Was there any no redeeming qualities?
He was in the final cut.
I think it was air, but oh, you're looking at air.
But he was in there.
I'm going to be.
Is that going to be a double feature weekend?
We're going to watch Rampage and air, but.
Oh, yeah.
But we have reviewed a movie where he was in it.
That's the final cut.
Who was he in the final cut?
Was and we also did Freddie versus Jason, which is also go back a few months ago and watch.

(39:54):
Oh, he's in that.
I think he's one of the main dudes in that.
Oh, fuck it.
OK, so you had to click back so many times.
I know, I know.
And that's it.
So then we get into that scene where he's in the garage and he has the sledgehammer and you have the Asian dude outside with computers.

(40:15):
He's inside and then he's just watching the camera feed is everyone just getting fucking annihilated.
He's like getting more and more scared.
And then when he leaves, he throws the hammer at it was so fun.
I loved when he put the figure skates on his hands and started just fucking him up with the figure skates.
Looks at the fucking plate.
Hell, yeah.
Decapitates the one guy with it.
Yeah.
Last one in there.
The candy cane.

(40:36):
Yeah.
I mean, the candy cane is iconic.
I like these sticks in his mouth as he's getting as he just starts fucking people up and then pulls it out and kills what?
Five, six guys with that thing.
And then what about that?
He turns on that wrote the rotary blade machine or whatever after tying up three dudes just get pulled into the machine.
Oh, he's so ruthless.

(40:59):
Snowblower.
What's that?
Not a snowblower.
Like what you do to like get your sidewalks of snow.
There we go.
I feel like there's no way you could have made this movie bad, even if you didn't have the badass Santa storyline where he's just a goofy Santa.
And all these people are just dying horribly around it.
Oh, no.
Making little wisecracks.

(41:21):
He's just sleeping around trying not to get killed himself.
It's like an adult home alone.
It is.
That's one of my notes is super home alone.
There's a whole one of the whole scene to this movie is absolutely an odd.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm going to home alone this bitch.
Yeah.
Before she said, die, you filthy animal like home alone.

(41:42):
Remember that?
And then later on, she's like, I'm going to home alone this, which I like that they did give her the she had just watched home alone.
And that's why it's in her mind.
I do think that her traps were too smart for an eight year old girl.
I do.
I call him alone.
No.
Yeah, I feel like, oh, you know what?
You're absolutely fucking right.
Yeah.

(42:03):
How the hell did did the kid from home alone, Kevin McAlister?
How did Kevin McAlister get the paint cans tied up to the roof?
It's like, did he go up and staple gun the strings, the rope to the top of the roof and then launch them down?
Like, how the fuck?
OK, we'll do home alone next year.

(42:24):
The wet band.
You just do like, why did the wet bands just get a crowbar and kill this kid?
Why did they just shoot him?
If you don't think why I don't like, listen, you're absolutely right.
We'll get into that.
So Joe Pesci, you little motherfucker, you.
Hey, Mark, why are you being so fucking shoot that kid in the fucking head?

(42:46):
Yeah.
So we get probably the best scene in the movie.
And it's it's chasing down that Asian guy, throws the hammer, Asian guy falls, turns around, pulls a grenade out, pulls the pin.
Santa takes the grenade.
No, you don't. Opens up the dude's pants, throws it down and starts to kind of run off, stops.

(43:11):
And then turns around and watches the guy get blown up.
He goes, oh, yeah, that's great.
His his little laugh that he has, which is just two ho ho's for most of the movie, we see it in the beginning.
Oh, like he's getting like it doesn't feel good.
And then like that we finally get at the end, like he says, the little girl gave him his ho ho ho back.

(43:33):
And it's because at the end he goes, oh, like he actually says, I think after killing John, the was on whatever.
But but yeah, I love the whole like that little little half laugh that he does.
Isn't the full throated Santa noise that you get it so cool.
It's his own interpretation.
The actor boyfriend trying to get the mom to donate money to his movie.
That guy, when he when he jumps out the window and he runs away, it's like and he gets shot and there's like, well, looks like John Claude Van Dip shit.

(44:00):
Yeah, I love that line. That was great.
I loved that whole scene, though. I like that he kicked the dude like he actually did some damage to the guy and then fucking pretty bad assly jumped through the window and then ran off.
I thought it was pretty cool, like pretty cowardly.
But I know. No, no, no, no.

(44:21):
I got worked right away. Listen, right now we're surrounded by Mercs.
I have the first opportunity to leave you guys behind to get help.
I'm out. You're you're welcome.
I'll do the damnedest to get here back as soon as I can.
I'll not I'm not going to forget you guys are being held hostage.
I got you guys back door.
I'll even go get some weapons and come back and try to do it myself.
I can't find help. But you want me to stay here?

(44:42):
You think it makes me more of a man to die with you?
You fucking kidding? No, you run out the first opportunity you had.
He's like, great moment. Kick run out the window.
He dove through a fucking plate glass window.
He's probably cut up the shit and he's like running out into the blood.
I thought it was bad ass. I thought I did a great job just because he's a little bit of a douchebag.
He's a little bit of an airheaded actor.
People aren't allowed to have flaws. Austin not allowed to be just a fucking regular old guy like him.

(45:08):
And you get you get Chad.
Yeah, Kim giga Chad gig in debt. I think he's also he's from Twilight. He's one of these.
The bad vampire from the first Twilight.
He's the one that like Edward for some reason thinks Bella's the fucking tits.
You know, like he watched all the Twilights. Yeah.

(45:29):
I read them all too. Not the read.
I read the Twilights before the movies came out.
Someone had told me like, hey, here's a book about vampires, which I like.
And they're like, it's cool because they like they're like regular vampire.
They like play baseball and shit. And I was like, OK.
And I like and I read it. I was like, OK.
So it's a bit of a I don't like the whole romantic angle, which I feel like the movies hammer way harder than it is in the book.

(45:55):
The first book, at least. But honestly, the baseball scene was pretty cool.
Just thinking about vampires in a forest, being able to crack the ball, like run a half a mile to go catch it and like run super fast.
Like if you like watching a bunch of supermen playing like baseball, it'd be cool.
Like this witness freshman year at a girlfriend, all she cared about was Taylor Swift and Twilight.

(46:18):
And she sent me a copy of the book and I watched the movie.
And then she quizzed me and totally figured out that I just watched the movie.
Yeah, there's differences.
What do you think? Oh, great. I made that up.
So I just like your ex girlfriend.
Yeah. Well, the whole goes back all throughout this movie.
That's what happens to this movie. He gets stronger throughout the movie.

(46:39):
Well, the more people believe it, the more people believe in him, the stronger.
The only way he's able to kill John Lucas at the end is because John was on the finally believes he's Santa Claus.
And that's where he gets that final bit of magic, which I thought was fucking awesome.
But one more thing that cat chat can take a chance.
It is he's the lead and never back down.
So that's a really fun MMA high school movie where it's like a bunch of high school MMA kids start fighting each other.

(47:04):
You like fighting movies. That's a fun one.
Yeah. So I like Krampus. He's he's probably my favorite of the goons.
That little girl murdered one punch with her traps or trapped way too.
Way more realistic. How did she saw that board without anybody hearing?

(47:26):
And like, how did she so expertly saw the board in half that it looked like indistinguishable?
Well, because the because she had time that it was the attic door. So it was closed.
OK, so she was up there. She was doing that. And she hammered in a nail.
Yeah. And he was like, oh, this is obvious. Like, look at this silly kid.
Wouldn't she have had to hammer the nail through the back up into it? So it came out the other end.

(47:48):
Yeah, I don't know. I didn't quite that much thought into it.
But it would have been watching a movie. Yeah.
Yeah. It would have been facing up. So she would have hammered down. So that way, when it goes down, it's now up.
Yeah. But how does she know that like like what glue?
What glue? What glue substance is in there based in their attic that is so strong
that it will stop a person walking on top of it?

(48:11):
I've I've walked across wet tar before it was able to get across. No problem.
The back of her skull. Are you kidding? What glue was that? Yeah.
What glue will scalp somebody? Gorilla glue. Special movie glue. Gorilla glue.
Do you think she found a bucket full of gorilla glue? Maybe.
Gorilla glue is expensive. Well, OK, this is a rich house.

(48:32):
Yeah. So maybe they did buy a bucket of gorilla glue. Fine.
She found a bucket of gorilla glue and she spilled on the ground. The point is, who cares?
No one but you in the entire world.
He does that home alone, too. And they didn't even have gorilla glue back then.
The point is, why did they have 10 bowling balls? Why?
They're rich. They have a bowling alley in their house. We didn't see that part of the house.

(48:53):
Oh, we didn't. You're right. And that could be because they were all in one of those
one of those slidey metal things that bowling alleys have that make balls move fast.
How did she her math at eight years old is maybe plus and minuses,
not trajectory of bowling ball versus trampoline physics.
She doesn't know. She doesn't know what it's like.

(49:16):
I will. I will tell you this. I helped my granddaughter two days ago with math for her school.
She was a college. She was a. Yeah.
It's the same math we did in college. It's not close anymore.
I don't know how the hell they're doing it, but just wait till you're a little older and you see their math.

(49:37):
It's in core math bullshit. No, it's just math.
It's just like but it's like trigonometry in freaking third grade, fourth grade, fifth grade.
It's hard. Or is it pre-algebra? No, trigonometry. It's more algebra.
So maybe Jen Alpha knows their shit better. Maybe they don't.
She's you know what? That makes perfect sense.
Angry Birds has been out since I went traveling across Europe when I was 22 years old.

(50:02):
And if these kids have been born in a world like where Angry Birds 2 came out prior to their birth.
And if you live in a world where your mom hands you a tablet to fuck around on and puts on like an Ingebert's
and all you're doing is playing with trajectories.
And how does the fucking pigs get down? Then yeah, okay. I'll buy that. Thanks, Mike.
They're raised on baby Einstein.

(50:23):
So you know what? I will erase that from Mike Petit's this movie.
I think that due to the bowling alley that we didn't see in this rich person's house,
the bucket full of Gorilla Glue and the trigonometry that this eight year old is taking at school.
All totally believable. Have led to, yeah, fine.
Oh, also when she sings Jingle Bells, she sings Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.

(50:49):
Oh, how fun it is to ride in a one or something.
I was always brought up as Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way. Oh, what fun.
Not oh, how much or oh, how fun. I was but oh, what fun it is.
Did you go look it up? I'm actually surprised if you hadn't already looked this up.
Oh, what fun. I didn't. It's one of those generous.
It's one of those like every school had like some kind of rhyming thing.

(51:13):
Yeah. And if it's a little off, who cares? It's always a little like the birthday song.
Andy, apparently. Apparently, it Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Bliftart, I'm sure you stand while in winter garden,
going to the guns. Hey, you're way wrong, Andy.
Translate to English. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. No, no, no, no. No. Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

(51:35):
Sleigh Ride in the snow through the white winter forest over the Frazee Lake,
Frozen Lake. Hey, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Pony Run Fast
because on winter days it doesn't stay light for as long.
So you absolutely got it completely wrong, Andy.
Wait, save that tab. Yeah, it's like.

(51:57):
Is that trademarked? Open a new tab and type Pornhub.
You're not letting me wait. Hold on.
There has to be. Oh, what fun.
Oh, here we go. OK. Dashing through the snow.
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle. Oh, what fun it is to ride.
Yeah, there we go. So this fucking little bitch, this little bitch, Gertrude,

(52:23):
fucked up a song. Gertrude's a German name.
She was singing in the original German. No, she was singing the original.
It would sound a little bit like Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Slip Hard Fuck, I need Mike.
Growing up, was there was there ever like you and your group of friends?
There's always like porn in the woods. You guys find porn in the woods?

(52:44):
Yeah, that was it. Why does everybody have a story of that?
It was a thing. It's always in the apartment complex.
We live. We go out in the woods just fucking around kids and you come across a box
full of porn magazine. It was just weird. Yeah. My friends and I, we.
Is that the government? I think it was the government.
It's like they put crack in the inner city neighborhoods and they put porn in the woods.
Little white boys get porn in the woods. Black kids get crack.

(53:07):
It's the left agenda. It's the leftist agenda. They're trying to put porn in.
It's like they can't. They're trying. You know, they're always trying to put porn
in children's school, according to some people. This is how they start.
They'll just put boxes of porn where they know children frequent and they'll just wait for them to buy it.
Is it the original I Have Two Mommies books? That's what.
I literally there was an adult bookstore in a shopping center where there's a CVS

(53:32):
and like a gun store or whatever. And it might even be a regular video store.
But the alleyway, which is now gated off because we lit CVS on fire on accident.
One one once one summer behind. We let some we put play.
I think I've told us, but we put gasoline in a Play-Doh tin and then lit it on fire
and kind of lit the building on fire. So we had to run away.
And they put before a bunch of people died. Whatever.

(53:54):
Yeah, no big deal. But we found a box of VHS porno tapes and there was.
And it was we went immediately to my friend's house and we put on use.
He's black, so he picked the one with the black people.
And we we watched his grand picture, a dwarf version of you hearing a big box.

(54:17):
Still with the full beard. Still beard.
A little tiny Andy with a beard. And I'm just sitting there going, hey,
that's not very realistic. Yeah, exactly.
That guy's dick is way too big.
But that doesn't make sense. He's not even working on the plumbing.
How's he going to fix a leak if all he's doing is fucking this bitch?

(54:40):
He just left after fucking her. He never finished the job.
She better not have paid him. That's not services services render.
You know what? One day I'm going to be a pizza guy.
What game are they playing on PS2? That doesn't make any sense.
One day I'll be a pizza guy. Do it right.

(55:01):
I won't fuck anyone. I'm sure they get their food on time.
They're just mashing the buttons.
I lived up to that promise, ladies and gentlemen.
So we we get to the punch.
People die. Punches shooting a lot of action. Some great.

(55:22):
We get the reconnection of a translucent and his wife.
They they bond over killing a dude.
Oh, by the way, Trudy absolutely killed one punch man with her traps.
Like he died. Like he fucking brutally died.
She's going to go to therapy for that. She's going to go therapy for a lot of us.
We decided to hold the nail up to its face. Look at it.
I was I was stupid. They all got arrested after this.

(55:45):
You're telling me Santa Claus came and killed all these people.
Actually, that's not a that's not a bad.
Well, I mean, they could totally blame it on mercenaries.
They could be like, oh, mercenaries came in and my security team killed them.
And they got mercenaries showed up and Santa Claus killed them all.
No, they wouldn't say Santa Claus. She says, I have a security team.
They showed up and everyone died.

(56:07):
It'd be easy to point out the bodies, be like, oh, the ones in the snow jackets
that showed up as a team that I've been on my payroll. Those are my dudes.
She just doesn't say that they betrayed her because she just sells them like like, OK.
And you know what? The hellboy shows up and he picks up a piece of reindeer shit.
So no, it wasn't mercenaries.

(56:29):
I here's another problem I have.
She has that personal security team that she has.
There was about what? Twenty, thirty guys on it.
Say you're on this you're on this team and you've been working for this.
You've been working for this lady for years. Right. And she like your boss.

(56:51):
All of a sudden, he brings you into the room.
He said, by the way, guys, we're going to betray her and we're going to rob tonight.
Like, I wouldn't agree to do that.
Like, I mean, maybe they would kill you. Yeah, but Austin would.
Three hundred million dollars. So then Austin kills you.
You're no longer involved and he takes the rest of the team and goes, fuck, I hard to get a guy who was new.

(57:13):
Yeah. The new guy they kill in the back of the van.
Yeah. Dark Knight. My orders was to kill the. Yeah.
But no, no, no. Here's here's what I would do.
OK, great. That's the plan. Cool.
I call her up the next day. I'm like, hey, I'm part of your personal security team.
There's a plan to betray you. I'll do that.
Like you want to pay me two million dollars. That's nothing to you.
It sets my entire life up. I'm set for the rest of my life.

(57:36):
I'll just move on and you don't get killed and you're protected.
And she's like, oh, thank you so much. I'll make sure you never have to work again.
Boom. That's it. Another thing where you just like be smart.
Don't just randomly show up to rob someone.
Now you have to move to a different country because you're a wanted only problem with all your theories.
And philosophies on all these things is that they eliminate the actual movie.

(57:59):
Yeah. My goal is to make movies not need to have happened.
If I can stop a movie from having to have happened, I've done my job correctly.
I think translucent was an idiot for telling his mom that he's stealing three hundred dollars, three hundred million.
He should just take it. He should have showed up and taken the money and left immediately.

(58:21):
He didn't have to have some vindictive last hurrah or whatever. Like that was stupid.
But anyway, we get the the final fight between Liguzamo and Scrooge and Santa.
Fucking love is a cool fight.
But we get the best, maybe the best kill in any movie of all time.
And it's him holding on to it and do it finally, getting that magic to work.

(58:46):
Well, not finally. He used it twice in the movie.
He used it to get away from somebody earlier.
But yeah, he fucking does that and comes out the chip.
You see John Liguzamo's body just pieces. Oh, so fucking good.
And I wrote down that, yeah, it's the fact that John Liguzamo, it's like you really are Santa.

(59:08):
And it's like it's got to believe your boom kills him. Fucking awesome.
Those are my notes. I give the B plus. It's my favorite.
One of my absolute favorite Christmas. Yeah, let's let's rate this movie.
Oh, what is the movie? We're going to rate the movie.
Put it in your fucking pants. I got to watch. What is that?

(59:29):
It's a grenade, Andy. But a hand grenade.
That's not real. Why are you asking silly questions?
I want to play with it. Don't pull the pin on it.
Seriously, don't. What do you rate the movie?
The B plus. All right. I want to pull that pin so fucking bad.
Mike, what do you rate the movie?

(59:53):
Well, since this is a Christmas special, we're supposed to rate it an upwards of four and a half out of five.
Oh, yeah, we're doing that. So B plus also.
I give it a five out of five droplets of vomit on a bartender's fix.
I'm going to give it five out of five bowling balls.

(01:00:15):
You got what you said? Four point five, Mike. Four point five nails to the head.
That's the head. I give it a five out of five decapitating with figure skates.
But I do think this is this is a movie that was so good, it's deserving of its own lettering.
I think we should come. I don't come up with anything, but I think we should come up with something.
Fuck yeah. How about that? Good of a movie. No, it's great.

(01:00:39):
It's an every year watch.
Yeah. My biggest critique is that I rented it instead of buying it.
Or my biggest regret, I guess, is that I didn't buy it.
It comes on every year, though. Yeah. It'll be on.
It'll be on another. We just had it. We had a month left.
OK, it'll come out November. Yeah.
What would be a good special letter for Christmas?

(01:01:00):
S for Santa. And S tier.
S tier. No, but we already have an S. Nothing can replace steel.
True. True. You have to make a new letter.
And if you think for a one. OK, a K for Chris.
What was his Warhammer's name? Skullcrusher.
I was thinking of a J for jingle bells. OK.

(01:01:23):
S.S. Santa's Skullcrusher.
No, we're not calling anything S.S. for obvious reasons.
Michael.
Like Nazi. What are you, that one black guy on a porn site 10 years ago?
Are you some sort of black Nazi?
Especially since Andy was singing jingle bells in German earlier.

(01:01:45):
I was.
OK, we'll come up with you know what? How about X for Xmas?
No, I thought about that too. And porno.
I'm saving the X for a special occasion.
And Mike's closer with the second comment on that one.
I would say this gets three.

(01:02:10):
Have we given anything an A? No, this gets a ho, ho, ho.
There you go. That's it's great. It's a ho, ho, ho.
No, three. That's just it. Triple H.
No, just how about ho, ho, that's it's great.
Violent Knight gets a ho, ho, ho from us.
We love it.
Four out of five, five out of five hoes.
Five out of five hoes. Five out of five.

(01:02:32):
So we did it. We love it. So good.
If you haven't watched it, check it out.
This is going to be one of two, I believe, of our more adult, more violent episodes.
So if this was your thing, look forward to us doing Fat Man.
But the other ones are going to be a little bit more just regular old Christmas specials.
We'll find a way to make them horrible. Don't worry.

(01:02:54):
Yeah, trust me. We'll visit Pornhub every episode.
So with me as always, it is Austin Frostyferrel.
Ho, ho, ho.
With me as always, it is Michael Rudolph Larson.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
With us as always is Brennan.
Jingle bells, jingle bells.
Schlifarthen, I'm Sheen.

(01:03:17):
Shipley up to Boston.
All you have to do is believe we're here, Andy.
Oh, shit. And I'm your...
Getting good at that.
I know he really is.
And I'm Andy Chris Kringle Rice.
And this has been the very first night of a very fun eight crazy nights of Christmas.
Join us tomorrow. We'll see you there.
Merry Christmas.

(01:03:44):
It's a fried rice Christmas and I've invited everyone.
Grab a pipe, a bong, a joint and all have ourselves some fun.
It's a fried rice Christmas and Andy's really high.
He's gonna go on a tangent soon.

(01:04:06):
The guys are standing by.
It's a fried rice Christmas.
Let's all smoke some pot.
We love all of our listeners.
You all mean a lot.
It's a fried rice Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho.

(01:04:29):
Ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho.