8 or 9 Crazy Nights of Christmas! Night 9! A Christmas Story 1983

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
It's a fried rice Christmas, ho ho ho

(00:06):
Ho ho ho

(00:34):
Ho ho ho ho
And Merry Christmas everybody
I'm your host Andy Rice
And this is Fried Rice Podcast
Let's get fried
With me as always is Brennan
Jingle bells, Brennan smells

(00:57):
Michael laid an egg
Andy's car lost a wheel
And Bob ran away
Hey!
Shipley up to Boston
Hello everybody
Merry Christmas
With us as always is Michael
He's older than Santa Claus himself
Older than the snow

(01:19):
Older than Christmas as an idea
Which makes him older
Than I guess Jesus himself
Larsen
Hello everybody, Merry Christmas
And I'm your host, I've already said it, it's Andy Rice
Alright, so it's Christmas everybody
Merry Christmas, we decided to do a special
You know, just for you guys on Christmas Day

(01:42):
Release of a very classic Christmas movie
You know, the most classic Christmas movie you could say
Which we'll get to in just a bit
But, oh yeah, there's no What Are We Smoking?
Because this is just a Christmas special
I was going to say what?
Do you have like a Christmas routine?
Christmas, what's the word I'm looking for?

(02:04):
Traditions
Traditions, there you go
Oh, for me, no, my newest tradition is to use that tree that you gave me last year
Thank you by the way, the cool artificial
To put in the corner, I was waiting until after Thanksgiving
Smart
And then I don't buy gifts
And I tell my family, we don't do, no gift exchange

(02:25):
And then I show up, we have food
And then I awkwardly kind of sit there while everyone opens up gifts
And I
That they didn't get
No, no, they open up their gifts
I watch my family open up the gifts they gave to themselves
Mainly the kids or whatever
But I tend to, I always tell everybody don't do gifts
I don't want to buy gifts, I don't want to receive any
And so, because I, the one thing, look, Christmas

(02:49):
Put up your trees, put up your lights
Make your food, do what you got to do
But the gift giving, the commercialism, I'm over it
I'm so fucking over it
So sorry everybody, Merry Christmas
But fuck, this is the most commercialized bullshit holiday
Of all time when it comes to, they just want you to spend money

(03:11):
Just like Halloween, 25% of all candy sold in the year
Sold just for Halloween
I bet probably what?
50, 25%, 30% of all gift cards
And go for Valentine's Day
That is, I think, I sort of got
That was a Hallmark conspiracy, Valentine's Day was

(03:33):
Yeah, it had to be
They just took a massacre that happened a few hundred years earlier
And they're like, you know what, we can turn this into a
Into what we like to call a Hallmark occasion
Yeah
But, yeah, and then you take Christmas
Which they say it celebrates the birth of Christ
But of course no one knows the day Christ was born
Well, they know it was in the summer
Yeah, it was in the winter

(03:55):
But wait, the summer for Jerusalem?
That's one thing, because that could be our winter
No, we're the same
Are we the same as?
Australia is the one that's the same
Australia, okay
Yeah
But it's just like one of those things
Like no one knows the day he was born
So we've just arbitrarily picked December 25th
Because winter solstice
Winter solstice, why not
Because they were already having a party on that day

(04:16):
Let's steal that party
Yeah
Yeah
There we go
Let's just bastardize
You know, like take someone else's
Pagan holidays, turn it into a religious one
Right?
Just like they did with Easter?
No, other way around
Easter was a religious holiday
Now it's Easter bunny with eggs and candy holiday

(04:37):
Yeah
I don't think it's religious anymore
I mean, there are people that go to church on Easter
But I think for the most part
80% of, I don't know, I'm just making a percent
My kids don't have any clue
Yeah, it's just Easter bunny and candy
I don't know
I mean, I don't know
How often do you stress the resurrection story
When you're talking to your kids about their painted eggs
And Easter bunny stuff

(04:58):
They're not there yet, so
Okay
They're kids
My kids now know about eight or nine
Yeah
It's about the time I told them
About that
Okay, well this is what this holiday is really about
And this is why it's so weird
That was actually the conversation we had
It's about how weird it was
Weird to do the eggs
Yeah, the egg thing kind of doesn't really make any sense
Well, I mean, South Park

(05:19):
South Park nailed it
As to why we paint the eggs
Because there's a secret order of rabbits trying to
It was, if you know, if that's one of the best South Parks
It's their take on
That one movie
With Tom Hanks
Where he's Da Vinci Code
So it's the Da Vinci Code
It's their version of Da Vinci Code

(05:41):
So it's a bunch of like Catholic priests
Who are secretly part of like a bunny cult
Who are like, or they're trying to like
And then Jesus, one of the best things in it
Was Jesus is in prison
Like they, because in South Park
Jesus is a character
He's like exists, he has a talk show
But like he's in jail
And he tells

(06:02):
He needs to get out of jail
So he tells Stan to kill him
He's like, he's like, listen Stan
If I kill myself
I can't go to heaven
Because that's a sin
But if you kill me, I'll resurrect outside the bars
And Stan's like, I don't want to kill you Jesus
Wait, was it Stan or was it Kyle?
It was Kyle, so sorry
Because the Jewish Kyle
And so he's like, I don't want to kill you Jesus

(06:23):
And so he does
And he stabs him in the throat a bunch of times or whatever
And then Jesus resurrects
It's so good, like
Yeah, so
Here we go, commercialized
Random day in December holiday
Celebrated by bringing a tree inside your home
Buying presents that you feel they need to be wrapped

(06:44):
You know, so that's just a waste of paper
But you don't have kids
Yeah, but
Because that's sort of for us
Like we do the same thing
My wife and I don't exchange presents anymore
Because I just tell her, buy whatever you want
Whenever you want
But as far as kids, then we buy all the presents
What are you going to do?
All your friends got presents

(07:05):
My wife has a kid in her class who's seventh day
And they don't do Christmas
Yeah
And she's having a hell of a time with it
Because all the other kids were like
We want to see Christmas carols
You can't
It's like
Which sucks
But it's all
Hold on
It sucks, but then
What Christmas carols?
Because I wouldn't want to have to sing Holy Night

(07:26):
Silent Night or whatever
I wouldn't want to sing any Jesus centric carols
It's not to have to sing
You don't have to do anything in class
But
They're not allowed to
The kids actually even just sit there
That kid's not allowed to even hear them
So it's different than what you're talking about
It's like literally they can't
They can't have an assembly that they can do at Christmas

(07:48):
They can't sing Christmas carols in class
I think you holiday festivities
No, they cannot
What would prevent a seventh day Adventist?
Yeah, they don't even do birthdays or anything like that
They don't even do birthdays, nothing
What would be offensive to a seventh day
If you walked into class and there was some holly on the
Like decorations in the hallway
And it was just

(08:09):
We love the winter season
And season's greetings
That would be fun
That's what I'm saying
So just take the Christmas out of it
I get it
Season's greetings
You're still not going to get kids who are eight
To understand the concept
You're trying to un-conceptualize eight-year-old kids
Which you can't do in a three-week period

(08:32):
You're trying to
But really it's just taking the Christ out of Christmas
Wow, no, it's not just taking the Christ out of Christmas
No celebrations of really anything
They're not allowed to do July 4th
They're not allowed to do birthdays, nothing
I mean, okay
You're not supposed to celebrate anything to do with you basically
Yeah, they treat every day like the same
Yeah, weird cult to be a part of
It is, yeah

(08:53):
But I'm saying it affects all the other kids
My point is it affects all the other kids
Yeah
Because they're not allowed to do the things they would want to do
If I were in that class as a kid
I would absolutely celebrate my birthday
Give out invitations
And then what would happen if I did that?
My teacher would tell me I'm not allowed to enjoy my birthday?
Yes, no, you're not allowed to enjoy it in class
I think the kid can't

(09:15):
Like the kid can't participate
Okay, I know what you think
But I'm telling you the reality
Okay
A reality is wrong then
Yeah, well I'm not
That was the whole point of bringing it up
Is that it's wrong that all these kids can't
I mean, I agree that they
Like I wouldn't want to be in class
And have to listen to someone sing
Christian like religious stuff

(09:37):
I wouldn't want that
What about the Pledge of Allegiance then?
I was always one that took away the under God
But right, you didn't say it
That's the way it's supposed to be
You don't have to do anything
But you still have to listen to it
Because you're there
That's my point
Yeah
No, no, but that's the exact point I'm making to you about this kid
He doesn't have to say it
He doesn't have to celebrate it
He doesn't have to pay attention to it
But he can sit there

(09:59):
Just like
I agree that's how it should be
But it's not
Because it's changed so much
Because it's religious
Not just because it's
Well, I'll tell you what
A religious thing
I believe next year
They're going to have a lot easier time
Well, yeah
She'll have a new class
That kid won't be in it
Also, I was going to say just politically
Just politically
She's going to have an easier time doing
Like they'll be able to sing full-blown

(10:21):
Christian gospel choir Christmas songs next year
It's 2025
It's a different administration
Where Trump wants to put Bibles back in the classroom
So that's nationwide
I think next year
They were going to be singing
Oh Holy Night
You know, stuff like that
I think changes take longer
There's local school districts
Local boards
Yeah, they'll fight it or whatever

(10:42):
If they don't want to do it
But still
What's the highest you've ever been on Christmas?
The highest?
I don't know
I don't feel like I ever did
Change the subject a little bit
Yeah, sorry
I don't know
I don't really
I remember one year
I was in high school
I don't really remember one year
It was like right around like
It's 18, 19, somewhere in that age

(11:03):
Living on my own
And I'd go over to my parents' house
I stayed the night
I was like, all right
Well, I'm not going to have any weed to smoke
So I picked up one of those Corva cookies
Or Corova, whatever that brand was
500-milligram cookie
And I woke up and had my cup of coffee and a cigarette
And I ate most of that cookie

(11:25):
And then went to bed
And then sat on the couch while we did our presents
And then by the time we were done with presents
I was baked off my ass
And then went over to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving
Like for Christmas dinner
And yeah, it was the best
I was baked all day
Best Christmas dinner ever
I just ate it
I just ate
Yeah, it was great
My sister got me like one of those like drug rug hoodies

(11:49):
It was a Rasta-colored one
And I was like, fuck it
I'm vibing with this all day
Baked off my ass
That was a good time
Good Christmas
Oh, that's great
And he's going for it today to be his most high
It's my Stone Christmas
There you go
What's today?
Oh
Today
This Christmas
This Christmas story
Well, yeah, we might as well get into the movie
Sorry, everybody, if I offended you
It's just, you know, everyone's got different opinions

(12:10):
I just, again, it's more that this holiday is just kind of like a commercialized
There's so many different people saying it means so many different things
That like it's hard to really like if you want to make this about Jesus, make it about Jesus
If you want to make it about family, make it about family
If you want to make it about gifts, make it about gifts
But for me, I think it's just I like the feeling of Christmas

(12:35):
I like going into December
I like eggnog
I like Christmas
I love Christmas music
I love Christmas movies
I love the idea of seeing Santas everywhere
I wish we had snow
Yeah, I do too
That's the one thing I wish that we would get during Christmas time, it's snow
Yeah, I mean, we out here in Arizona do not get snow
But yeah, I mean, where I used to live, you just go up the mountain a little bit

(12:57):
And it's right there
But yeah, I mean, it's
So all that being said, let's get into potentially the most iconic Christmas movie of all time
Christmas Story
Yes
Which came out in 1980
88 or 80?
86

(13:18):
Do you have it on there?
It came out in 1983
83, okay, so prior to Christmas vacation
Prior to Home Alone's, prior to all the, I guess, the other iconic kind of Christmas movies
So prior to Christmas Story, you go iconic Christmas movies
You're talking Black and White, Miracle on 34th Street

(13:40):
You're talking It's a Wonderful Life
And then of course the Rankin-Bass classics like the Frost and the Snowman, the Jack Frost with Kubla Khan
Kubla, Kubla Khan
I love Jack Frost
Hello Kubla
I'll always remember that

(14:02):
And yeah, I would say, and of course like the Rudolph
So those, those claymation or stop motions
And the Grinch
The Grinch, yeah, the cartoon
Because we haven't had the, we didn't have the Jim Carrey yet
So really I would say like that was the previous generation of Christmas, right?

(14:23):
Even though I think the Rankin-Bass stuff was still coming out around the time that this was coming out
But like that was your Black and White, your Mom and Dad's Christmas
Which this tried to emulate by putting it in the 50s of when your Mom and Dad
Or when you would have been a kid or whatever, right?
So, because yeah, I guess the point is for nostalgia
You'd be in your 30s, 40s

(14:45):
Yeah, it's interesting because it's both
And what's also crazy is that the way time works is nuts
So someone watching this in 1983, if they were 40, right?
That would make them, how old in the 50s?
Like they would be born in the 40s then, right?
Yeah, they would be born
At least 43
The movie set in 40, it's like 43, 44, somewhere in that range

(15:06):
I thought it was 50s
It's the 40s
Or 49, it's like 48 or 49
It's afterwards, post-40s
And we have TVs
It's so, well because in the Parade, they have the Wizard of Oz characters and stuff like that
The Wizard of Oz came out in 48, something like that
So they're like it's either 48 or 49
Wait, but I think the Wizard of Oz characters would be out in about, for years after

(15:31):
They would, but they tell you
Ralphie says this is the same Parade as last year, so it could be like 49
It's not established at the time, they don't say it at the time
They never say it
Can you please look up when the TV came out?
I know that you were alive then, it might be hard to remember the date
When black and white televisions came out for public because they saw it in the, they didn't have one at home, I don't think

(15:55):
I think if they were out, they were just expensive
I thought the TV came out in the 50s, but you should probably just
Oh, okay
So
Okay, it was invented in 27
Yeah, but when was it available to the public?
39

(16:18):
Okay, so 1939, alright, so you might be right
And since they didn't own one, and it was just in the shop
Yeah, they were expensive
And everyone was gathered around it
Wait, actually, do we even see a TV in this?
I'm thinking now that they were looking at the toy shop
They were looking at toys, yeah
Okay, so this could be the 40s
I think eventually
Right after the war
Eventually I'm going to be a model train guy eventually

(16:41):
You are?
I think so, it looks like fun
Model trains, wait, hold on, Mike
We're not going to move past model trains
We've been talking a lot about trains on this podcast
I was trying to go right past it because of the trains
You'll have the TV on and playing a train video in a minute
I'll tell you this, you're not wrong
But I won't suck us down

(17:02):
But one of my two favorite things got combined
Which is just a nice train on a train track
Which I do, I like the efficiency of a train on a train track
There's no deviation, it's just straight line
Does what it needs to do
And sushi, and I went to a sushi train place
Where they put a little sushi
I don't know if you've ever seen this, Mike
Where is that one at?

(17:23):
It was in California, Orange County
Mine was Orange County
It's really fun because what they do is each plate
The colors of it, so it would be white plates
Tan plates, yellow plates, blue plates, whatever
$2, $3, $4, $5, right?
Depending on the grade of sushi
And it's just a piece of sushi

(17:45):
A couple little pieces of sushi, no extras, no frills
And it just goes around the store
For anybody to take
So it's almost buffet
And you drop your plates in a little slot, right?
Well, they just had a stack
And then they just count the plates at the end
To tell you how much you owe
That's cool
It was cool
And sushi was pretty good

(18:06):
Man, give me some spicy edamame
And a Las Vegas roll
And I'm like, I'm fucking set
So happy, I might go get sushi today
It's not going to be as good
As what?
As that
We live in Arizona
In a landlocked state, yeah
It's a little harder
You know what, actually
All sushi here is gas station sushi

(18:28):
But still good though
Yeah, here's the thing
That's one of those
Did I eat gas station sushi before?
Me too
The Sam's Club has great sushi
It do, yeah
That's one of those things that's like
I feel like wine
In the sense that it's
I feel bullshit
Every piece of sushi that I've ever had in Laughlin
Or even here in Bullhead

(18:49):
Has been delicious
Because here's the thing
Artificial crab doesn't grow in the fucking ocean
That's artificial, my guys
The few pieces of fish that they actually put on
It's frozen, yeah
Yeah, and then what?
Rice needs to come from somewhere near the ocean?
No
And the fuck, maybe the seaweed
But seaweed is seaweed
You can dry that shit out anyway
It's just the difference in fresh and frozen salt
It's not a huge difference

(19:10):
But even the ones in California
I promise you
You go to LA
They still get it frozen
They get it frozen
They get it
Because here's the thing, Mike
LA's three hours
Three and a half hours from here
You don't think trucks can make the three hour drive
From the same ocean that LA's getting their food from?
Why does everyone assume you live right next to
Like if you live within an hour of the ocean
Every sushi place is now going to buy just the premium

(19:33):
Most just caught from the ocean that day sushi
No, the cheap sushi places are buying the same stuff
Yeah, but Momofuku isn't was my point
What was that?
Momofuku is not
What's Momofuku?
Momofuku
And it's just a
It's a fancy sushi place
Yeah
Okay
Yeah, go to
If you want sushi, go to a fancy sushi place
Or like Nobu

(19:54):
Or Nobu
Go to a place that costs $100 a roll
And then yeah, I hope to God
That you looked that fish in the eye
Before the fucking chef
Like killed it in front of you and made it fresh
It's not $100 a roll
It's the difference in five and $10 a roll
But yeah
No, but again
I just
I don't like when people say
That living out here in Arizona
Somehow gives us worse sushi

(20:17):
Because the place across the street
Monado's has delicious fucking sushi
My problem with the sushi out here
Is everything's covered in eel sauce
Or their
You know, they cover it in sauce
Versus letting the fish speak for itself
That's because they have to
Yeah
The flavor's still there though
It's still good
Yeah

(20:38):
It's got to do with it being good
It's the difference in the taste of
Fresh fish out of the ocean
And the taste of all the sauce
This is driving me nuts
This is driving me nuts
The beach, by my math right now
If I were to go to my hometown from here
It would take me three and a half hours
Okay, how long does it take to get to the beach from there?
One hour
Four and a half hours
Now
I'm going to now go to a sushi

(20:59):
They
So
Any sushi place in LA is going to get
It takes an hour to get to them
Okay
So now we're just adding an extra
Three and a half hours of drive time
That's not the difference between
Fresh and not fresh in my mind
No
It's not
I don't think you should
Don't order it that way
I understand that
I get that
But I think 90% of all sushi places don't order

(21:21):
Fresh, right from the ocean, no boo, cocoa mufu
So you think 90% of the LA places don't?
No, I don't think that
I think it's about 50-50
Most sushi restaurants do get their fish frozen
Yeah
Because they have to freeze it to kill off most bacteria
Yeah
So they're going to get it frozen
It's either going to be frozen or that day generally
Or that day, exactly
I think, yeah

(21:42):
But
The sushi places we were talking about
They go in the morning down to the fish market
Buy what they want
Yeah
And prepare it that day
Sure
Okay
And I'm just telling you
You boogey motherfuckers
Are you saying that you wouldn't go to a sushi place
In California
No, I go to all of them
Yeah
Okay
I'm just telling you there's a difference
You're saying there's no difference
And I'm telling you
What did I say there's no difference?
I never said there's no difference between

(22:03):
Fresh and frozen
Yes, what I'm saying is
The places, there are places that buy their food fresh, right?
But that's not most sushi places
Most sushi places in the world probably
Buy their fish frozen
I agree
And so most of the time
So it's like saying that sushi sucks
Because it's in Arizona makes no sense
Because it's the same
No one said that

(22:24):
No one said that
That's how this all started
I said give me a Las Vegas roll
No, no, no
Hold on, that's what you said
But hold on
Mike said
We'll just back this up
I'll fucking review the tape
Motherfuckers
This started with you saying
Or me saying that like
Oh yeah
You just give me a Las Vegas roll and I'm chilling
And then I think you said something to the degree of

(22:46):
Well, but it's out here so
And then I'm like
What do you mean it's out here?
Which is the whole point
I don't think
I think I said it's not going to be as good
That's what I said
But I don't think that that's true
I feel like it's the chef who prepares it
It's the sauces they use
It's the other ingredients they use
I went to
You know my favorite sushi place was
I'm sure they bought their shit frozen
Because it was an Inland Empire

(23:07):
Why would that be any difference than fucking here?
And they had an all you can eat sushi menu
They had a no rice menu
That was just imitation crab where rice would be
And it was like
They had something called the tomato
And it was just fish with all this shit around it
I mean
It was amazing
That place was so good
They went out of business
All you can eat sushi are you fucking insane?
You can't do that

(23:28):
They went out of business
It was crazy
We took advantage of it
I miss all you can eat sushi
Did you hear
Did you
Speaking of just because it's funny
Literally last week they did an interview with a new
People that took over the Red Lobster
Because they went bankrupt or whatever
Oh boy
The dude's like
We are never doing endless shrimp again
And the dude in this interview was like
Why?

(23:49):
He's like
Because I know how to do math
Yeah
Literally that was the people that took over Red Lobster
The family that showed me
The all you can eat sushi place
Went in with a mission
They wouldn't eat leading up to that
And then they would go in and order
Hundreds of dollars worth of sushi

(24:10):
And eat it shamelessly
Get your money's worth
Get your money's worth
Well no but that's the thing
You're getting way more than your money
At some point does morality play into it
That's one of those
I feel like that every time I go to the Chinese buffet
Yeah it's time to go to a buffet
That's the thing
You want to get your money's worth
Buffet is different than all you can eat in my mind
Because all you can eat sushi is they're making it for you

(24:32):
Every single roll
They're just pumping these out
And giving them to you
They're bringing them to your table
And that's all you can eat right
You're ordering them
You have a little menu
You order what you want
But they charge you for pieces that you don't eat
So that's kind of where they make up for it
Well you just don't get anything
You're not going to eat
And you're fine
Yeah exactly
You can just go endlessly
But a buffet is different
A buffet they prepare the food
It's out there
They want people to go
And get as much as they can

(24:53):
Buffets want you to clean them out
That's kind of like
They don't want to waste food
They want to be like
The perfect idea is they put the right amount of food out
And everyone took it
And everyone's happy right
Yeah
With all you can eat though
Is that one of those
I think that's one of those things
That no one talks about
But where people are just truly scumbags
Because you shouldn't go to an all you can eat
With the idea
I'm going to clean these people out

(25:14):
I'm going to hurt their business
By how much food I consume
I'm going to go with my
You don't go there with that in mind
You go there with
I want to get my money
You don't think about
Most people just don't think about it
I'm going to spend $40
I'm going to eat $40 worth of rolls
That's how I think about it
I don't think I'm going to eat $80 worth of rolls
No but even if you eat $40 worth of rolls
If everyone does that
That puts them out of business
It does

(25:35):
Because we know how the bath works
But not everybody can
Plus they start adding more
As you get to your second or third round
They do more rice to fish ratio
They'll fill you up with carbs
Sure
And also I'm sure they slow the service down
If they're smart
So that you let your food digest a little bit
Before you get the next one
But like

(25:56):
No more food for you
Yeah
Yeah exactly
Yeah
We're going to have another offensive
Chinese stereotype in just a little bit
When we talk about this movie Mike
So thanks for setting us up
Getting us back on track with Christmas Story
So yeah let's talk aesthetic
50s or I thought it was 50s
So it's 40s but so looks beautiful

(26:19):
Every car looks mint brand new
Which makes sense because they kind of just
Were invented not that long ago right
Like we just sort of had cars
Why would they be all fucking pieces of shit
Right by now
Especially if you're driving into town
Yeah
That's one of those like you don't drive into town
Unless you're a well to do
Unless you have like a reason
Like I mean like you know what I mean
Yeah
Like they weren't well to do but

(26:41):
They had a piece of shit car
We didn't see their car rolling the streets
With all the nice other cars
I don't know
But I like the dad
How old is he supposed to be compared to her
I don't know because it's odd
Yeah
It was almost Jack Nicholson
Really
It was almost Jack Nicholson yeah
People looked older back then so it's kind of hard to tell

(27:02):
It is the people did look older back then
Isn't that weird you're looking at
You look like Bill Murray or Chevy Chase whatever
They looked way older than they actually were
Like a 30 Bill Murray looks like he's 45, 50
It's crazy
And then now though we have the reverse effect
Like Mike doesn't look 50 something right
Like you look like you're 40

(27:23):
Except for the hair
And then like Paul Rudds
Like I think people are just looking younger
But I bet Jen Alpha thinks we all look like we're fucking 50
Well once again think about things though
Now we shower every day versus once a week
We just stuff like that
And the stuff we eat is different than what they consume
More antibiotics, more it's more injected with a bunch of shit
But is that better or worse

(27:44):
Now we don't know
It's better for the outside
Now we're dealing with that again coming up
Speaking of 2025
We're about to find out if fluoride has been good for us this whole time or not
Because RFK wants to get rid of the fluoride in the public water system
Oh really
Which
Well we know it's good for our teeth
We don't know about the rest of us I guess is the story
So you're going to see a lot of toothless healthier people

(28:06):
Is that the idea
I think this is a stock tip I think
Wow shit
Maybe I shouldn't say that out loud
Get out of toothbrush
No
Invest in a water company right now that's producing fluoride water
Oh no one is but I'll bet they will
That will be the first thing boy I'll bet yeah
Coke is going to go right to the deciding you'll be having fluoride
So I'm talking about

(28:27):
Does it already have fluoride in it
No
No
No but 100%
They will though
Like I mean I don't know
Like are you going to
It's like one of those things
Like would you want to buy water with fluoride now
It's like if I buy gallons of water anyway for my thing
And it was the same price for with fluoride
Yeah it will be like how you can get the different types of water

(28:50):
The alkaline
Alkaline yeah
Yeah
That's interesting to think about
But in the 40s
No fluoride
No
Yeah and everyone looked like
They all looked old
They all looked old as fuck and they died a lot younger
But there was also their jobs
There was also a lot less cancer
Well but if you don't have teeth
If you don't have teeth you can't eat as well so

(29:11):
That's true but he also said there was a lot less cancer
Or
Diagnosis
I think there's a lot of
A lot less cancer diagnosis
Maybe people just think about it a lot more cigarettes
We did get to see our first taste of probably 1940s
1950s autism in this
With the little brother
No
Oh and Ralph
No and the kid that's in

(29:32):
I like Santa
Oh you mean Andy
Andy little Andy
Little Andy actually
Little Andy is home alone we're about to get
When we do our home alone episode next
Kevin McAllister is little Andy
He's a piece of shit bro
I'm like fucking ruining every holiday
I will get there
So pre stop lights

(29:53):
Kind of cool you had the cop directing traffic
Like that's a fucking terrible job to have I'm sure
Standing there in the snow and you're just
Just pointing at people
Hey stop it you fucking
Stop you know you have to
Everyone's going 25 miles an hour really speeding
In the back of those little cars
Yeah
The

(30:14):
Oh the little wind up tank
So let's talk about the toy store yeah
Yeah
Very cool like I would have loved that
Looking at that as a kid too the wind up tank was awesome
The train set was very cool
Yeah
See I mean now Brennan thinks he's going to start a model train collection
Eventually once the kids move out stuff like that you know
Turn one of their rooms into the train room
They take up a lot of room that's the problem with train collections

(30:36):
You know it doesn't take up a lot of room
You should do one of those little like a single circular track around the tree
And get a single starter train in Hobby Lobby
We got we have one that's like a Grinch more right now
Hobby Lobby
Yeah
Oh anywhere
We got a Grinch one that like goes around the tree
Oh very cool
I think I'm going to buy a model train after we're done here
You should
Team who's going to have to
I'll help you put it together
Yeah

(30:57):
I'll put it somewhere I'll just have it chugging around
No once the kids move out I'll have the train room and my grow room together
So I'm growing some weed and my train's going around it
Around the weed
That's cool
I could have a little train here and it passes the bong around
Yeah
That'd be fun
We like trains too much
We like trains
Refer to what episode do we watch

(31:18):
Singularity
Singularity where we just the last 20 minutes of that episode
We're just watching train videos for an audio podcast
One of the worst decisions we've ever made
But still better than watching Singularity
Thank you Mike
So the Red Rider 200 shot air rifle
I'm not going to do the whole spiel
Everyone wrote it down
Do you have the whole
I didn't write the whole thing

(31:39):
Damn it I wish
So
Oh Red Rider carbine action 200 shot range model air rifle
Hell yeah thank you
So Red Rider I guess is a character
I don't know if he was actual real
The Red Rider I think is the man holding the gun
I guess it's the name of the gun
It's the name of the gun
Because it had a red bear
It's called the Red Rider
Daisy Red Rider
Okay so it's by Daisy is the brand

(32:00):
I didn't see that's the thing if I heard Daisy first
It's the model name of
I got that
But in the from my perspective it was you see the poster it's a man
And I thought his name was like Red Rider
Which could totally be a cowboy's name
And then he that's his it's a version of his gun that he uses on this popular radio show
And then when Ralphie thinks of himself as a cowboy he's picturing himself as Red Rider

(32:24):
That's how I thought of it in my whole head this whole time
Even though what I've bought Red Rider guns in the past
So maybe in my mind I never thought just Daisy was the
What brand whatever that made the not official Red Riders
So I go to Walmart they're 20 30 bucks
Yeah Christmas time I usually buy them for white elephant gifts

(32:46):
I think it's a perfect white elephant present every single fucking time you bring a red although
Some people have not enjoyed that like I brought it to
People are very anti gun or whatever
I know dude BB guns yeah
I brought to a white elephant party like for an improv team
And it was not well received
Oh California yeah
They did not receive that well they were like they opened up like oh okay yikes

(33:11):
And I was like and I and I'm like leaning forward hoping everyone else is in on the joke
And loves it and stuff and nobody do shoot your eye out kid
Yeah I think one person and like ended up taking it semi reluctantly
But fuck dude that's a cool gift yeah
Honestly even just you don't need to use it
You just keep it in box if you really want to put it up on the wall

(33:33):
Hanging up over it's like a funny little just Christmas time put it where your stockings are you know
Anyway and I think they changed the new ones I don't think are loaded the same way with the BBs down the down the thing
I think you so now you load them at the top top loader still pump it's a top loader pump action yeah

(33:56):
Anyway I I do think that that's a cool gift
He's reading the newspaper and he talks about an article where a guy swallows a yo-yo
And then she's like what the why they put that in the papers what do you mean that that's newsworthy
And I was like that is newsworthy
My my thought was like nowadays it's the phones back then it was papers yeah there's always something to distract people at dinner

(34:20):
Exactly the turp furnace yeah I was like what's a furnace fighter
I just don't understand why the BB gun was so important to the kid
What he wanted I know but by the time I was that age I had a slingshot I had it's a glorified pea shooter
It is it's he's an old kid to be wanting a red rider was this yeah, oh well
He looks like he's eight or nine he's like somewhere in that range I think he's eight I think they say eight-year-old

(34:46):
I would have been on a 22 by then well I'm serious yeah I was one yeah eighth birthday
But I also think the state's different too because you grew up in Texas right where you learn about gun safety and all that at a young age
They were in like Illinois
She was weird to me because he seemed old for one of you for one of you yeah, but I also think this is one of those
Things were different. I'm talking about the 70s versus the yeah 40s

(35:10):
Yeah, but I think what he's early 50s. I think what the what they're really just trying to demonstrate is the single-minded focus of
No matter what people keep telling him that this is a bad idea for him to want to this thing he wants it anyway
Yeah, and so like yeah, I maybe I don't know maybe in the 40s especially

(35:33):
You know what just post-war I bet every boy just wanted gun stuff war stuff action stuff. That's why we saw wind-up tank
You know that's why I like I
Mean Ralphie still or his little brother still got the like a fire truck so like he's still younger
He still wants like the what's the name he got a zeppelin to who's the little brother's name? I never caught it fuck I forget it now yeah

(35:55):
Because Ralphie's the older one
now unfortunately I usually
Do my due diligence and watch like every Christmas story thing and I was gonna watch Christmas story 2
Which I have not seen but I did watch a little bit of the play the live the live musical
I watched when it came out. I watched it with

(36:19):
What's his face from?
Not growing pains
What would you do what you say?
No wonder years
Trying to do the theme though that was that's the theme okay?
Wonder years Fred Savage okay, so Fred Savage played the older narrator the narrator for Ralphie as

(36:45):
They did live it was a live TV
Musical so like it was airing live and they were doing a musical or a channel, but I watched it
It's a BC or whatever, but yeah
Which I'm sure that channel now hates that we don't remember what it was they probably put a lot of effort into it
Sorry, whatever BC you are
Whichever channel does it plays at 24 hours every year? Oh, yeah damn, but no, but it wasn't it wasn't

(37:11):
wasn't Turner
Yeah
TMC Turner or TCM no Turner classic movies. There's no TCM
But I think TNT was the Turner Network
Turner Network television was also turn yeah, there were several turn yeah, he has a lot
Turn around a lot CNN CNN yeah

(37:32):
Oh shit, I put furnace fighter, and I said Mike what what's that you know like because I've never
Got a furnace. I guess it's just he I did in the time when he said furnace fighter
I thought there was like a thing you were supposed to know well cuz I know it's like old heating furnace
They used a furnace like a wood fire furnace like you know to heat the house

(37:52):
Yeah, but the expression furnace fighter. I was like what is that? I guess it's just it got he keeps having to battle his own furnace
Yeah, you find that out. Yeah, but at the time I was like what the I know it was what is and I had to ask
The oldest person I know
So when the dad does his like string of obscenities one of the ones
Includes damn dollywop dumb. Yeah, that's a weird

(38:14):
He said he had to do gibberish or otherwise it was impossible to do without swearing
Oh, that's why I wanted to keep the PG rating. That's funny the director said that or the actor actor, okay?
And was that during the what scene was that the well every time he'd go down there to do it
The okay, then we get one of the most iconic scenes

(38:37):
Which is the brother getting put up in all the jackets and put my arms down
My note for that was at three o'clock in the morning when I get home from work
I want to sit outside and smoke a little bit
I wish I had that outfit because even if my arms are up I could still bend them like this do what I need to do
so now Mike

(38:58):
So far we're I mean we're still in the beginning here
What was what you this is now?
This is your first time watching this movie all the way through all the way through you've maybe seen bits and pieces
Yeah, and so far what how are you feeling about this?
so I was checking with you at the end, but I want to just I want to kind of check with you guys because
You said some stuff to me earlier this week that makes me a little sus about how you feel about Christmas story

(39:20):
So okay, I think you misinterpreted what I said
My feeling about Christmas story is that
And I even told you this at the time. I was very specific that I think maybe I've watched too many Christmas movies
And
It feels

(39:42):
Almost what's a little saccharin at this point in the movie?
It feels a little
I know what's gonna happen even though I don't a little predictable a little predictable little saccharin
I will say I don't feel like this is I think
predictable
This movie yeah, because you've never seen it no if you've never seen it. Yeah, I would say there are some

(40:06):
Unpredictable moments when he beats up barkus yeah moments of ways you know the plot of the movie is predictable
You know what's gonna?
I wouldn't have guessed ending at a Chinese restaurant. No, that's not plot
Well, yeah, it's plot is no, that's how you move a story along. It's not little points within this way

(40:28):
That's not plot. No the plot, but the I would just gonna say this point here
That is plot the fact that the ending takes place not at home with their dinner
It takes place at a Chinese restaurant all because of Ralphie
Because he went outside and he opened up the door and let the dogs in and they ruined dinner

(40:49):
That's a plot point. That's that's the ending of the movie. It's it's every so Ralphie gets what he wants
Fucks up immediately
Ruins dinner again and ends up, and that's the ending so I that was unpredictable had you not seen it before
You're supposed to be surprised you're supposed to think they're gonna have their family dinner
Yeah, and then everything gets fucked up, and then you go see Chinese dinner

(41:09):
So you can pick one or two things that are predictable out of the movie. I'm not saying that
That's not my point. That's not what I mean when I say predictable. I mean predictable the same way that
You know when we saw the first Star Wars after that every Star Wars movie you kind of know what's gonna happen
Yeah, you kind of get the plot you get the plot before you see the movie
Okay, and that's because I guess you have Christmas overload. I think it's because of Christmas overload

(41:33):
That's what I'm saying. We watched this is like one of our last movies
Yeah of 15 or 16 or 25 or 700 movies
I'm not sure what it is now because like I'll just give you an example yesterday home alone. I was watching
Yeah, but you realize once you start watching home alone, and if you want to emulate your your your leader I

(41:53):
Ended up watching like seven or eight hours of home alone last night
Did you watch more than two? Yes, you watched three and four. We'll get well we'll get into that when we do our best
So I'm just saying that's the way this whole last two months is gone
So a little bit of this predictability because because most Christmas movies are kind of the same they have the same formula

(42:14):
It's a formula well
Then I would hope that your grade is not affected by your Christmas
My grade is whatever my grade is and it's none of your business
I mean it is at the end a hundred percent my business because I'm gonna write it down
And we're gonna use it to to go up against other grades
But I would just hope that your jaded

(42:36):
anti-christmas
Grinch Scrooge heart doesn't affect an otherwise
Delightful Christmas movie, so okay wait here. I'll give you a better explanation
equivalent to a fruit cake
This movie is a fruit cake. It's overly sweet
It's full of unwanted nuts
And nobody likes it as much as they pretend and

(42:58):
Don't tell me that's not true both of you don't like it as much as you pretend if you actually watch this movie
With a critics eye versus just your childhood eye Michael
I'm I I
Watch everything with the same eyes, and it is to tear apart the internalized universe that a movie creates

(43:19):
And see all the flaws and everything trust me when I tell you I watch everything
Look at what I've done to other movies that look watch our Goonies episode and tell me that I don't watch
Just saying you're more forgiving on Christmas movies. That's all you can disagree if you want
But you're more forgiving of Christmas movies than other movies, and I don't know why that is I'm not even making a judgment

(43:40):
Because I rate them against because I rank them against other Christmas movies
I don't rank them against movies as a whole I put horror movies in the same book
I put horror movies against other horror movies. I put documentaries in the same thing
I would rank documentaries against each other if you wanted to do that, but like
So but then if you go with like movies if I just then if the general term movies that if you take

(44:01):
If you take Christmas out if you take
Horror out and if you took I guess
Romance and romantic comedy out because I also consider that to be its own category to real then I'm just talking
Drama action comedy is there the three big ones that I would put all the same category of movies
That's what I would judge on so then let's let's just as a as a career idea versus hangover

(44:26):
Right, you'll do that, but you won't do gladiator versus this is my point
Well, yeah, see that's sort of my point is what I'm saying
I think you rank these movies against each other
And I don't get that so if you're to say your first top 10 movies of all time
How do you even do that if you're taking these other movies and put them in different categories?
Oh, no, because Christmas stories in I mean absolutely top 10 movies of all time Christmas movies

(44:49):
No, no all time top 10 movies Christmas movies. No
Okay, it's it's all I see what you're doing. You're saying they don't count as movies ask me
It's like ask me what my favorite song is it's so hard because it's like what's my favorite rap song. What's my favorite rock song?
What's my favorite? You know, it's like you can't do that. You can't make a list of your top. What's my favorite game?
It's like I could say Final Fantasy 8 because it's like nostalgia or whatever

(45:13):
But like maybe the last of us maybe it was one of the later Final Fancies. It's like
in the moment
Things feel like a top whatever like I just watched gladiator 2 and I'm like fuck dude
That might be a top, you know, like right the gladiator series, which I it's like whatever
I'm not because we only exist in whatever we remember. It's like we're only are we only we're just a bag of meat that it contains

(45:37):
Memories that we just then act upon those memories. We're just animals, right?
So if I don't remember a movie, it's not in my top 10
If I forget gladiator existed until they I saw a preview for gladiator 2 even though I loved gladiator
Now I'm reminded of gladiator. I remember. Oh shit
Glad pretty good, right? There's paper tough

(45:59):
gladiator bless you gladiator is is one of my tops right so fucking good, but then what else am I forgetting?
Oh wait, then there's a good fellas. Whoops forgot about that one
That's a fucking phenomenal movie fight club just popped in my head and then but now we but then yes
So if I'm in the mood for Christmas
Which I am now now my top tens are all Christmas based

(46:20):
So with the Christmas magic with the Christmas spirit with the Christmas feeling with the Christmas nostalgia
I'm not pretending to love this movie
I watch it for the saccharin for the sweet for the like it doesn't cuss
It feels like this is a movie, but if a non Christmas movie was made the same way you wouldn't like it

(46:41):
What you're saying? Well, I don't know. I know that meet the
What was Finkelman's or whatever that was sort of I never watched it
But the Steven Spielberg one he did it. I don't know if it was it had the same kind of sweet feeling as this
I'm not sure I never watched it, but like I don't know actually
For me Mike, I'll still watch every now and then an episode of happy days
Because I want that like I just listened to a Fred Hardy. I just listened to the Hardy Boys

(47:06):
Mystery the other day. I just I wanted to uh, the 1927 Hardy Boys. That's just it's this it's a pg
Like oh, oh boy, Frank like well, you know like uh, what should we what should we go do today?
You know, it's like and i'll do that just to get out of I literally watched the rifleman the other day
So I 100 understand. Yeah, there's a there's a and maybe it's maybe I like

(47:28):
DNA is passed down from my mom because my mom she is obsessed with this like, um
With classic movies, right? Uh
Give her a black and white romance, you know, Marilyn Monroe
You know like one of those and she's just in heaven and uh, she has her little christmas village out every year
So my mom really this is

(47:49):
So when I watch this I think of her I think spending my childhood home because she very much wanted our
Childhood christmas is to be very norman rockwell
S you know, like so we're not that dissimilar. It's just that I admit it up front
I'm just up front about it's like I told you before or actually we were talking while you were in the kitchen earlier
Yeah, uh behind my back kind of not the fuck. Yeah, literally because you were facing the other way you were at the sink

(48:13):
So yes, I guess it was behind your back
But we were talking about earlier. It's like I go through and I tear it all apart as in my written review
I just tear this movie apart, right?
And then I gave it a b-minus sure so it's the same thing. I like the feeling it gives me but that does not necessarily
Make it a good movie. Yeah, well I
Okay. Well wait, I mean but then there are things that make it a good movie in my mind which we'll get to first off

(48:39):
Scott Farkas is the best one of the best movies
Scott Farkas is the best one of the best movie villains of all time. He's iconic. He's
Scary for little kids, but like as an adult eyes. Yeah. Yeah yellow eyes
Uh, the other one had a purple teeth or whatever like uh, like yeah, I just I love it and you can see doesn't have yellow eyes

(49:00):
um
but I also like the um
I mean one of my it's like here's the thing
It's like one of my favorite scenes in movie history is ralphie beating the shit out of scott varkas
Yeah, I love that scene more than almost like yeah
I love a good bully gets his comeuppance, right? There's a video that I watch at least

(49:21):
Once a year of this fat kid, uh a real life video someone recorded with this fat kid
It's like I mean, it's like grade school
It's probably young high school or eighth grade or whatever and there's this fat kid
And this little fucking dude is just like punking him right? Like yeah, you fucking fact, you know
Whatever like and he's been punking him and punking him for a while and he hits him or something

(49:42):
And the fact he just snaps picks this kid up and just fucking slams him onto the ground
The kid just fucking lays there and he gets up and he just starts
Wobbling and i'm like, yeah, maybe I don't want kids to get hurt
But at the same time bullies need to get their comeuppance. Yeah teach them to not be a bully. Yeah, listen to my review of uh,
Thank oh god. What was that? I was gonna say of all the movies

(50:02):
We've watched that scene's been in about six of these movies the last few weeks the bully scenes the bully scenes
Yeah, very common in these so I I don't know this time watching it has been a little bit different
Um, it's probably the first full watch through since having kids and so it's a little bit different now
Yeah
Kind of view it from the parents perspective more than the kids and I kind of

(50:23):
Noticed more about the parents than you than you did before like the mom's a really good mom good caring mom
And like even though they kind of show them almost slightly estranged. They're not they're really like together
It's day-to-day life. It's normal when you have kids you have like other shit going on
You're like each of you is doing your own thing to try to move the family along

(50:44):
And like that was kind of a cool perspective
I mean, I I noticed that you know the dad trying to get his one little thing his one little thing the leg lamp
He's so happy about it. She's like no
Did he win that from word search? I don't know if it was the word search or if it was something else
It felt like the word search you can win up to fifty thousand dollars
He talked very much about like winning something and then he says I won. It's my major award

(51:09):
the fucking
Standing on the street
It's my major award and all the other people just being like, oh, yeah, it's a major award. I that was so good. Um
Well, one thing I noticed this watch show that I never noticed before
Uh, they have every night except for the Christmas dinner. They have meatloaf mashed potatoes and cabbage

(51:31):
And it's like no wonder the youngest doesn't want to eat it
You have the same fucking dinner every night like yeah, I wouldn't want to eat either
Something else to know though. I think that's fairly accurate. That is for the time. Yes. Yeah, because that's what you could afford post-war
Yeah
That's kind of how it was but the thing is
But the thing is they were funny though that meatloaf used to be cheap and now it's like the most expensive you can make. I hate meatloaf

(51:54):
I love meatloaf. Yeah
I love meatloaf so much. Uh
Well, they yeah, because this is post-war
They were just living on rations not that long ago not rations, but uh, yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah rations
That's crazy. Was it your birth year or your birth month that decided?
When you went to the store? I don't know
There's like it was a thing where you could get so much bread so much. Yeah, but like you don't well

(52:18):
You were told when you could go to the store. So like if you were born
on an even numbered
Uh month you can go to the store on like tuesdays
On thursdays and if you were born on odd number of months
It was like mondays and wednesdays and then like I do remember them doing that with gasoline. Yeah
70s right? Yeah, I remember that when we had it depending on what your last number on your uh license plate was

(52:41):
Oh, wow even or odd you could go on the other these days. Oh, then maybe that's what i'm thinking of for
Groceries too then I knew it was even an odd thing
I don't know if it was birth years in my mind
I was thinking license plate before you said license plate. So maybe it was license plate then too
But I don't know if enough people owned cars. Yeah, they probably not
I don't know it had to be something universal because if like you walked in there

(53:02):
What were they going to be like? What's your license plate number kid? I don't have a car
I just want to buy some bread sir. Well, sorry. This is for car owners only go home
I'm assuming back then everybody didn't even have id
Because if you didn't drive you didn't need a license. Yeah
Dario pointed this out last night as we were hanging out, uh, as i'm playing assassin's creed mirage lately

(53:23):
You can just rip wanted posters off the wall and it lowers your notoriety in that area
which
kind of makes sense because
Uh joe rogan pointed out and dario saw this, uh, and he tells me he goes like yeah if you're just
Back then like in back then time you could walk into a town
Do some murders probably if you're and if you're not if you're not caught then there

(53:46):
And you get away with it gta style is you get to like another state over and shave your beard
And cut your hair you're done
Like it's like no one ever knows like one of the one of the other movies we watched this week
Taught me how easy it was to do credit card fraud back in the day. Oh, yeah
Check fraud or any of that like you know all of that even in the 90s. I had a I had a friend who uh,

(54:08):
Like a real hacker friend, you know every time you say I had a friend people think it's you right?
No, no, I wasn't this was I was a kid dude. I was probably 10
but uh this this dude was a serious hacker like in the in in the
Mid 90s he uh, he had a machine that pulled credit card numbers offline
And he could write them down he could place orders and he could write them down

(54:31):
He could place orders over the phone using other people's credit cards
Uh, I don't know if he ever did it or not
But I remember he showed it to me and I was like blown away. It was like this cool computer thing
He also was one of the first people sending viruses to people in emails. He like built viruses in code
so just uh
And all the money that he had he put into a fund that he uh, uh, this is for when I go to jail

(54:56):
Yeah
No, no, it was called his death ray fund and I think he legit
It wanted to build an actual death
He I think he had the plans and mind so he was trying to become a evil villain
Yeah, and and I think he was only a teenager at the time. Damn. He's super smart. Like where'd he end up smart?
Oh, I don't know. Well, I mean I kind of do but I don't want to say anything more

(55:19):
I'll just to protect his identity. I think he's yeah somewhere in um in spain
Uh right now
Just he's a surfer
They'll never find him. Uh
But uh, he's in a country that doesn't actually right? Yeah
Wherever andrew tate went yeah
uh
So you've been looking at your notes
My next note was uh, because we're about to get to the scene where like ralph is having his daydream about the

(55:45):
Writing the paper for the teacher and teacher grading it and my next note was andy's the teacher grading it when it comes to movies
Hey plus plus plus
Plus plus
Just going extra extra. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, because I do be changing
Changing shit. Sorry. I was almost thinking about just giving this one regardless a christmas tree at a whatever

(56:11):
Who gives a shit? It's a christmas tree out of just whatever that's our rating. I don't know
Um, let me take a hit though. So somebody better have some thoughtful insights. Well, I do I have one thoughtful insight
Honestly, the thing that saved this movie for me and made me really enjoy it
Was the narration I love the narration of it and I think and then when I researched and figured out why I figured out
Why it was so good?

(56:33):
It's narrated by the writer of the story of the book that the movie was based on
Okay, jean shepard is the book. It's based on a book. Yes interesting
jean shepard who wrote the book
Did the narration for the movie?
That's cool. Yeah, so I didn't know he did the narration. That's awesome
So that's very cool. And I think it made a difference. Yeah, because it's him telling the story

(56:55):
It's probably a real life. It's probably what also means that the author got obviously a lot of input
Yes versus a lot of times these things when their books turn into movies
I love when an author gets a lot of input just like hbo is bringing back. Um
jk rolling for all of her
Oh, I don't know. No, I mean, I would know they are I was being for the

(57:16):
The Harry Potter show a little bit like because it's so problematic, but I can separate see it's like it's like I can still listen
To a Michael Jackson song it's not I but I will say that yeah
HBO is giving her a lot of input a lot she's with casting and stuff and all that stuff
Right. I think that's important in a yeah, I will say this
Dollars to donuts. I bet anyone out there on youtube, uh, no trans people in the new harry potter hbo series

(57:39):
Uh, just a thought
Um, just a thought however you feel about whatever or possibly that's 20 25 not allowed to live in the united states anymore
We're not sure yet. We don't know what's gonna happen
Honestly, I this isn't even uh, this is just true. This fact. I don't know. We don't know what the future holds
Uh, it could be anything but I do know that the future is not going to have trans people in the new harry potter

(58:02):
Warner Brothers tv show it. Yes. If jk rolling has anything to say about it. Um
Yeah, so we got uh
Ralph is a pretty good brother. He helped like helping his brother up. He's never like too mean. He doesn't like bully him
Uh his little brother. Does he say anything or is it all just noises? No, he has a couple wines
Because it's usually yeah

(58:23):
Yeah, like he does like this wine or whatever. I I
His kid brother. Yeah. Well, he has the the after the fight scene when he's hiding under the sink and he's crying
He's like, I know daddy's gonna kill ralphie. Yeah, I don't want to eat or whatever
Yeah, oh god that pig scene though. Show me how the piggy eats is so fucking gross
But it it's kind of true that you have you have to like you have kids that are like stubborn about shit like

(58:49):
This morning while I was eating cereal like my youngest
He's got he's got his brother's workout gloves on so they're fingertipless gloves and he's eating his cereal
And he's spilling milk on this on the table and he's lapping it up like a dog. He's like i'm a doggy
Really dude, like it's like too early to be making this big of a mess like come on
So that's a hundred percent accurate

(59:11):
That's great. Okay. Well then they nail it
The I think the teacher grabbing all the teeth
Like after everyone they pulled that little prank and everyone took their teeth out of their mouth and put it in your head
Fuck that if I were that teacher brendan, I would not be touching all of these just been in their mouth
That is disgusting germs weren't that bad. No germs were still germs. Yeah, they didn't know about a lot of the things

(59:36):
Yeah, that's the cause we get why they look older
Germs shirt a lot more church cooties cooties cooties age you polio polio
So we get one of the most iconic christmas
Uh
Movie parts ever which is sticking the tongue to the pole. Yeah
Where he gets triple dog dare now, I wonder if this is where the double dog triple dog

(01:00:00):
I double dog dare you kind of originated from
Not at all because it was out long before that way before yeah, like kids were doing it kids were doing well
Maybe in the 40s though. Maybe they're going back to when it did originate in the 40s. This is when it came back
The movie originated like the
At time era. I think it's when it brought it back because I think it died off and then the 80s

(01:00:22):
It probably picked back up again later. Oh, no, but like in the 40. Oh, okay
So you think maybe like the movie brought it back kind of trend they up and down
Maybe people were double dog daring until they rewatched this and they're like, oh, that's something they used to do. Let's do that again
Because I remember double dog daring people. Yeah, it's like my sign off of my written
It's like which is been over by the way my pin pin name everybody knows that but it's uh ben get off my lawn dover

(01:00:42):
Once got his tongue stuck to a frozen pole in 1972 and 70s
I think it's when it brought it back because I think it died off and then the 80s it probably picked back up again
Yeah, that...
all and all of the some other things
If you wanted anti churches there are some people that talk about their

(01:01:19):
like six months ago. There's got to be a man named Ben Dover.
You would think so. In the fucking world, that would be like,
oh, this is a funny name I could get a website for, probably make something insane.
Or there was never a porn star named Ben Dover.
Come on. You're absolutely right.
There's absolutely porn star named Ben Dover, probably.

(01:01:39):
Yeah. If there is, it's probably every visitor I get.
It's just somebody looking for that.
They get these weird ass Christmas movie reviews.
What the fuck is this?
A lot of similes and comparisons in this guy's work.
Why does he compare a Christmas story to a fruitcake?

(01:01:59):
Yeah, fuck. Otherwise, otherwise, insightful.
Yeah. Who knew the porn star was so insightful?
Yeah. Meanwhile, Ben Dover,
somewhere in the world pissed who stole my identity.
OK, so, oh, leaving,

(01:02:21):
leaving him stuck to the polls fucked up the bell ring.
I know. Believe it to the.
I think that one of the funnier things is when they're trying to act
not guilty, right?
Or when we're like, no, when all the kids first realize what's happening,
they hear what's going on outside, they all run to the window.

(01:02:41):
And Ralph and his buddy are just sitting at their desk,
like just kind of casually like, what?
What's that? What's just what's happening?
They just kind of sit there being totally suspect.
So funny. So good.
That was just an attention to detail. I fucking absolutely love.
And then Scott Farkas, we meet.
It was a fucking just asshole.

(01:03:02):
I love when his brother falls down, he just lays there and he's just there.
It's just a move.
Plays dead.
Uh huh.
And then we get Scott Farkas as a transition
effect where it just anytime we need to do a transition from one place
to another, it's them running and Scott Farkas and chasing them.

(01:03:23):
And at one point, the brother chasing after them.
So they have no interest in beating up the little brother, which I like.
Yeah, he's too young.
It's like it's like they don't give a shit.
But they're yeah. And even.
They all they're doing is say, uncle, that's not anything
ridiculous. I don't like the arm behind the back thing.
That's a although it is funny when the friend puts his arm behind his back

(01:03:44):
automatically when he walks up to Scott, he's like all the friends leave him again.
It's the other friend, not Flick, but the other friend.
When Ralphie and all them leave Scott Farkas and him and he goes
and he like walks over and he puts his arm behind his back and like walks
and walks into like skies. Uncle. Yeah, it's like uncle.
It's pretty great.

(01:04:05):
Was that Schwartz?
Is that who that friend was? Yeah, not to the.
Yeah. So it had to be the had to be Schwartz.
Yeah. Schwartz is his name. Yeah.
Oh, God. Poor Schwartz. Poor Schwartz.
I wrote it twice. Poor Schwartz.
Like then I then I went on a thought like I was I was high.
So I was like, think of them the next day at school.

(01:04:25):
Just like, oh, man, like, how did how did you how did yours come out?
Like, I don't know. I just got my ass beat.
I don't know why.
Like, I just got the shit kicked out of me.
Oh, man, I had to I had to eat soap.
Like, you know, what the phone.
When you hear when you hear the mom. What?
What? Shit.
And you hear Schwartz go, what? What's happening?

(01:04:48):
I'm just picturing this kid.
He's just in his room doing homework.
Yeah, he's doing his little decoder.
He shakes the fucking door.
It just starts beating the shit out of him.
For no reason. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. It's so fucked up.
When the mom, of course, knows that he definitely heard that language
from his father, like his dad's down there every day using that language.

(01:05:12):
The mom listening and just hanging up.
Oh, fuck. What have I done?
I'm a monster.
I'm a monster.
She knows she fucked up.
Oh, that was so good.
Um. Fuck, show me how the piggies eat.
Fuck. I. Yeah.
Fragile. Yeah, I think that's fragile, hon.
Yeah, I like that.

(01:05:33):
Leg lamp. Oh, man.
So what I like about this movie
is in any other movie,
he opens up the big crate, he throws all the paper out.
It's a leg a leg lamp.
He's pissed.
It's Chevy Chase at the end of Christmas vacation with his bonus check.
It's it's Bill Murray getting mad or whatever. It's.

(01:05:57):
It's like this is what I win.
I get a fucking leg lamp.
What I like about this, he fucking loves it.
It's the greatest thing he's ever seen.
He puts it up on display.
It's a well, it's it's a leg.
And then, oh, well, it's a lamp, isn't it?
And then he lights it up.
And then when he I think he was excited because I don't know if he knew the leg
itself lit up or well, because there wasn't a bulb.

(01:06:19):
So it had to be. But
I have currently leg lights.
It's a string of the little leg lamps.
Christmas Christmas lights that you put up.
I put up around Christmas time.
My dad has one that's it's like it's an ornament,
but like it's got a hole in the top of it that you put one of your lights in
and it lights the whole thing.
Oh, I love it. Yeah, love it.
I've always wanted.

(01:06:39):
I mean, I'm not.
The thing is, is that a real leg lamp?
Probably expensive.
Probably. Yeah.
Just like I wanted those little moose cups for from Christmas vacation.
Those you can get from like Ross or something like that for cheap.
And they're plastic. Sure.
I even looked online, but it's still like 20, 30 bucks.
That's not that. Are you looking at?
OK, Mike's looking up.
He'll tell us what the cost of a leg lamp is.

(01:07:01):
But I do love that he loves it.
I like that little twist because even even I've seen this before
and even in my mind, I was remembering him like or like maybe thinking like,
oh, he's going to be initially mad and then he'll just put it up regardless.
What is it?
Well, they're they're anywhere from eighty six fifty.
Yeah. To two hundred and thirty nine.

(01:07:22):
Yeah. What's the is there an official official like?
No, I wonder if that's just because of the time of year.
I don't know.
That's I've never looked it up before.
Used versus new.
No, they're all they're all new.
It's just probably Chinese versus American.
Yeah. Size. Size.
Yeah. Size.
A real one. Talking porcelain.

(01:07:43):
Now, if I was paying two hundred or whatever, I'd want it to come in
that fragile box and I would use that wood for something at some point.
for the lobby of the windows. It's great.
It must be a thing.
So oh, it's six forty five.
When your little little war for Danny's about to start.

(01:08:04):
What show starts six forty?
Yeah, that's insane.
Radio shows, radio shows.
Yeah, I get me.
And they're short.
I hate to tell you this, but television used to be that. Yeah.
Fifteen minute blocks.
Well, less than that, because I remember for a long time
at six forty.
Six forty is when

(01:08:27):
when I was a kid, what was the Disney show that was?
Oh, Mickey Mouse.
No, there was an hour long Disney show on Sunday night.
World of Disney.
Wonderful world of this wonderful world of this started six forty for years.
Because the way the there was like football or whatever on before that.
And then it's just how it always came and something.
And then the news ran to what to six forty.

(01:08:50):
Yeah, that's crazy.
And then that's not normal.
That's where the news started coming in before 10.
When I was a kid, news came out at 10 where I live and the local news.
And so then it would come out at 940 on Sunday night.
So it was the only night it was different.
Sunday night because football and shit.
Their thing was 20 minutes off.

(01:09:10):
Oh, yeah. That's that's good.
OK, yeah, no, that's a good history lesson.
I just thought it was interesting that six forty five is a little or even then, though.
I mean, saying it was because I listen to I listen to the radio when I was a kid, too,
because I didn't have a TV in my room.
So like at night, I would have my little FM radio and I would put on
K-Rock do like that, you know, top nine at nine or whatever they did.

(01:09:34):
Like coast to coast.
George, oh, my God.
Well, oh, before George, it was way better before George.
And I was I forget, but yeah, that was they had a few different ones
they would do, but I always love when they talk about like the ghosts and shit like that.
Yeah, I listen to that every night. That's great.
I think it came on right after Dr. Demento, actually.

(01:09:56):
Also listen to.
I don't think I listen to that.
Dr. Demento. No, there was a there's a oh, you would love Dr.
We had a local I listened to Love Line Love Line was cool.
Love Line, Dr. Drew and Adam Corolla at first.
I'm just surprised you don't know about Dr. Demento.
Oh, I've heard of him. Yeah.
Yeah, I just I never listened to him.

(01:10:18):
I haven't listened to comedy, comedy, comedy song.
Yeah, he looks weird.
Does he have a cape? Yeah.
So everyone at Ralph's Daydreams, the people are in like
frontier clothing, and then I put like Red Ryder
thinking like the the character Red Ryder.
But it's not it's more like Little Orphan Annie,

(01:10:39):
yeah, which is the show that he's obsessed with the whole time.
He's Little Orphan Annie, this little orphan, any that
which is in the 40s. That would make sense. Yeah.
So every time. Yeah, because.
The nostalgia for or at least the time periods
that he was probably reading about in school,
like the adventures that he would hear Little Orphan Annie go on,

(01:10:59):
were all taking place in like late 1800s or early 1900s.
Right. Right. Because you there's usually like a gap.
Like, you know, because you're going to listen to stories about the 20s.
What was going on in the 20s?
The Great Depression, Little Orphan Annie was going on in the 20s.
That's when Little Orphan Annie said that's what I was saying.
OK, but it's still front.
But people were still frontier times around the country.

(01:11:22):
Where you live. Yeah. If you weren't in a big city.
Yeah, you were frontier and you were you were.
Oh, yeah. The 20s out here would have been rough.
Yeah. You'd have a
like a raccoon hat and like a like skin fur jacket or whatever.
Sure. 20s out here, weren't they pining for gold?
Yeah. Gold miners. Gold mining.

(01:11:43):
So yeah. Yeah.
And then we get the oh fudge.
But I didn't say fudge.
I love that. That's so good.
As a kid, you watch that.
And it's like, if you know, you know. Yeah.
And it's like it's like one of those things where it's like they
they sort of put it in your mind, right? Yeah.

(01:12:06):
Like he doesn't say it at all.
But you're definitely every person watch this movie thinks of the word fuck.
He says it, which I love.
I love that they put that in there.
The Dakota Ring being like a typical let down,
bullshit, fucking bullshit. Yeah.

(01:12:26):
I put that I want to look to see if they still do that stuff
and like do one with my kids, just to fuck with them. They don't.
Yeah. Because I when I was a kid,
we used to get some by the back of comic book. OK.
And then and I went actually just a few weeks ago, we were in.
Last time we were in Vegas, I went to the comic book store
and looked in the back all the time.

(01:12:46):
Yeah. No, when I the back of my comic books,
there was this little pyramid scheme for kids that I got into
where you go and you
where you go and you sell magazines door to door magazine
subscriptions door to door to get prizes. Right. Awesome.
And one of the big prizes was like a submarine.

(01:13:08):
For you, for like a kid like a kid submarine.
I don't know why. I don't think it worked.
I don't think I could take it to the lake and submerge it.
I don't think it was a submersible.
But now I think that at the time I thought, oh, you're going to do
I'm going to go. This is going to be sick.
I'm going to take this to the ocean.
I'll be the coolest kid in the world.

(01:13:29):
I'm going to see the Titanic.
Oh, yeah. I'm just going to live down there.
Just send me food via founder.
But. I did that.
I think the best prize that I got was like a like a industrial sized
box of those cow tails, candy, that kind of suck.
Oh, no.
I mean, no, I say kind of sucks.

(01:13:51):
I do enjoy them. Cow tails. If you want to sponsor.
It's not a submarine submarine.
But how tells the candy?
But it's those, you know, it is it's like a nugget strip
inside caramel and caramel inside.
Then you chew it.
It's like almost like a whatchamacallit.
But but. Not as good.

(01:14:11):
It's absolutely nothing like a whatchamacallit.
Literally not one ingredient is shared.
What do you mean? What ingredient?
What? Whatchamacallit is like nougat and and peanuts.
Oh, I forgot that it's peanut butter.
It's not even close to the same thing.
It's been a while since I've had a whatchamacallit.
For being honest, I'd say the closest thing is like the the nerds rope

(01:14:35):
or the Laffy Taffy rope, just not but not for not fruity. Yeah. Yeah.
That's that's a better call. Yeah.
Well, this will go down as my defeat.
People will talk about one hour and 15 minutes
in where I and he was a fucking moron.
I didn't know what a whatchamacallit was.
But I definitely knew what fucking cowtails were.

(01:14:57):
And that's it for.
I still get them once in a while. They're good.
You say 15 cents on the bottom shelf, you know, a little. Yeah.
It's funny. You say free.
I say it cost me hours of my life and a neighborhood.
How many magazines did you sell? No idea.
I think I sold enough to get a fucking big box of cowtails,

(01:15:17):
which I think I splurged on because I was like, well, at this rate,
all of the submarine in in a couple of months,
I'll just get some cowtails now. Those sound delicious.
Should have tasted them.
We should have went to the store, got a cowtail first.
I just thought I didn't know what they were.
I was like, oh, cowtails. It's like milky. I like milk. Let's go. Let's go.
And then I like everything in life. I quit.

(01:15:40):
Which is, by the way, the last of our episodes.
I just quit, gave up and never got my submarine.
I just watched the hunt for red October every every summer.
That's when I pretend.
Schwartz getting his ass kicked. Yeah, that's the best one.

(01:16:03):
Yeah. So oh, and then just the Dakota ring.
That was funny.
Beating up Farkas. So
the. Him crying after beating up Farkas
and being in such a rage and inconsolable rage, very realistic.
Yeah, the mom coming like going like just go upstairs, lay down, like

(01:16:26):
just relax, OK, because like you've been through a lot
and then covering for him at the table, like, oh, Ralphie got into a fight.
Oh, well, how's the how's the game or whatever?
Like that was very cool.
Like very like I see what you mean. Yeah. Oh.
And then, whoa.
Did I just see Mickey Mouse get beat up by the crew of Wizard of
Wizard of Oz?

(01:16:46):
Yeah. What an insane thing that I forgot was in this fucking movie.
I'm like, OK, cool, cool, cool. Wait, Wizard of.
Oh, look, it's Mickey.
Oh, all right. We're going to see some Mickey.
Then Wizard of Oz crew.
They just start beating the shit out of them.
I mean, sort of.
And that scene, I also noticed, like for the first watch through this time was
one kid's absolutely loving the parade where the other one's like, let's go.

(01:17:08):
Come on, let's go. Let's get the fuck out of here.
This sucks. That is very accurate, too.
If you have two children, they don't agree on anything. No.
One wants to stay. The other's like, let's go. This sucks. Yeah. Yeah.
I. It takes us an hour to figure out where we're going to eat dinner many times.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's the worst. Sure.
I have siblings. We've we've disagreed. Yes.

(01:17:29):
When he gets so I love the.
Well, I don't love it.
Then we get the commercialized Christmas part of Christmas story where they're just.
Oh, the Santa scene. I completely skipped that part.
But yeah, weird.
I like I bet you that was a that was like a cool use of the camera
giving us that like up close, weird PO.

(01:17:50):
The first POV shot.
I'll tell you this, though. That's first.
But yeah, well, yeah.
But it was a cool POV shot.
But you know what I hate?
Is the I don't the depiction of mall Santa's.
That's one of the things Christmas movies get wrong.
Well, maybe that's how they were back then.
I've never experienced one like that in our time.
But I think that's also by the time, you know, we were kids,

(01:18:12):
you know, 90s throughout the 90s, that's kind of when it was.
They were doing more background checks, things like that, making sure these weren't creeps.
But here's the thing.
And actually paying these guys versus them volunteering.
Karen's have been around since the beginning of time.
And I think the moment a kid comes down and says he was mean to me or whatever,
you're going to have a parent complaining and no store wants to have a Santa

(01:18:36):
that's a dick to kids and the parents don't like it.
Right. Like that will like we're just talking realistically here.
If you had a store here in Bullhead, even in the even in the 40s,
if there was a store here and like people went and the Santa was like,
what do you want, kid?
Like and then the elves like, yeah, hurry up.

(01:18:57):
And then they're like, all right, whatever you're getting.
How about a football then throws them down a slide.
The mom be like, what just happened up there?
Are you OK? They're just bawling their eyes.
I was sad to scream to be in the.
I just watch every kid screaming, coming down the thing.
That's not how a Santa visit should go.
By the way, who puts a Santa at the top of a fucking slide that infants can't go down?

(01:19:19):
Isn't the whole point to put your infant on a Santa's lap to get a picture of like
your little kid infant upwards?
But like kids get scared of Santa in general.
Yeah, I get that. I got to I get it because I mean, I'm a little scared of Santa.
Yeah, so mall Santa anyway. Yeah.
I mean, that's real Santa, whatever.
But the thing that is you have to you have to be really fucking dumb,

(01:19:41):
which is a kid. Yeah.
You have to be really fucking dumb to not know that that's not really Santa.
Yes. OK.
Wait, we were at the other mall a minute ago and Santa was there.
And now we're here and there's another Santa there. Yeah.
So little kids aren't that fucking stupid. No, no.
OK. What? Well, hold on.
We have Internet now. Let's go 40s.

(01:20:01):
How old do you think a kid would be before they would make those kind of realizations?
Five, six. Yeah. OK.
So Ralphie's little brother fully thinks it's Santa. Yeah.
Ralphie should know that eight years old
maybe he's a little naive at that age.
Some kids probably went to eight or nine.
You got to think before like a friend had to politely tell them.

(01:20:22):
Yeah. Or like take them aside and be like, bro, I'm pretty sure.
Santa. I don't know.
When you're six, even if you're if you're shopping and you're in Macy's
and there's Macy's Santa Claus and you go down the escalator from Macy's
and out of the middle of the mall, you've only gone, you know, five minutes.
And there's another fucking Santa.
It's him demonstrating his ability to move faster than he does.

(01:20:43):
His ability to move faster than you can explain that.
And he looks different.
Well, so this is what I think happens with Santa.
I think that he folds time and space in a corridor and he takes
he lines up everybody's house and he puts them all into one shot
so he can deliver every present instantaneously.
And he calls that corridor the chimney.

(01:21:05):
And so when he goes down the chimney, this is my now.
He also does it for the six weeks before Christmas in every mall.
Oh, when he should be working.
Yeah. But that's fine.
It's right. That's what quantum mechanics.
That's what quantum physics is all about.
So my problem with the Santa scene is the parents just dropping the kids off

(01:21:27):
just like, all right, watch each other.
And they go do their shopping, which is what they have to do.
But like, I would never like just well, 40, 40 is different.
Yes. But fuck no.
Like, I mean, you just drop your kid off at a mall.
And although there's a theory that it's been the same since the 40s,
that there's just as many people getting kidnapped, there's just no news.

(01:21:50):
We didn't know about it. It was all the same.
Just as many missing children, just as many scumbags out there
in the 40s as there are now.
Because we don't have 24 hour news.
We they didn't. They didn't have 24 hours.
So kid goes missing.
And they might make the newspaper to some point.
Two days later. Yeah. Yeah.

(01:22:11):
But like, yeah, so you're right.
This wouldn't be a yeah.
So maybe realistically, this was a terrible idea.
They shouldn't have left their kids alone.
Also, terrible Santa.
Just fucking awful.
Why take a job that you're going to be addicted to like to people about?
It's just it. I don't know.
You tell us.

(01:22:31):
I've never taken a job where I was.
I've only had let's see.
We were just talking about the podcast.
Oh, I'm just addicted to people.
Yeah, I thought you meant specifically children.
I was like, I've never been addicted to children specifically.
I've had one job where I had to teach chess to children after school.
All the children.

(01:22:52):
They were middle or elementary school.
It was like a after school program.
We did three things.
It was comic books was one class that we taught, which is my favorite,
where you would just teach the kid.
Everyone every kid would make their own comic book, which is a lot of fun.
And then there was a improv, which was actually I forgot.
That was my favorite where I got to teach the kids improv stuff.

(01:23:13):
Then the third one was chess.
And unfortunately, you have to do all three, whatever needs
whatever they needed you to do.
And I sort of lied and said, I'm decent at chess.
Bra the one of the so.
No, no, here's the thing.
I understand how the pieces move.
I do not understand the strategy.
Any if you told me to do a this is the the the Irishman,

(01:23:36):
Irishman opening or whatever, I'd be like, great.
I'm done. I don't know what I'm thinking for playing Grandmaster.
I will I will I will leave now.
I will say that there's a funny
meme that I just saw of two female chess players, because I do follow.
There's a couple of female
chess players that are doing more social media stuff,

(01:23:57):
and they're trying to be more attention to the sport.
And so they're like to the game, I guess.
And so they're doing like cool like like here's an all women's
tournament and stuff, because there's no women Grandmasters like in the in the.
Now there's one.
Or what? No, but there's not.
I mean, there might. No, sorry. There's one. But there's no.
There they always talk about like, could a woman beat the top guy or whatever?

(01:24:21):
And a lot of the time for a long time, it was.
But even a lot of the times the women say like even these girls are saying,
like, I don't know, maybe in the future we'd have like a top woman or whatever.
Like who would be the best player in the world?
But like, I don't know.
It would just confusing.
That's kind of crazy.
There's never been a top woman player in the world.
Well, they weren't allowed to play because chess is that is part.
Chess was originally a war game.

(01:24:42):
It was to teach tactics of war. OK.
So women were not allowed to play until like the nineteen hundred.
But yeah, but even even still chess is a mental game.
It's a mental game.
So there's no physical advantage that men have.
So what I don't understand is like why there isn't some like.
Autistic savant woman out there that's like just as good as the whatever

(01:25:06):
guy chess guy is, and they sit there, that's a stalemate every time.
Like to me, I feel like there's they say that there's like a bill
couple billion strategies you can use, like, you know, variations.
There's got to be someone out there that's got most of that shit mapped out.
And there's got to and if there's one, there's got to be more than one.
And so like, I think that.

(01:25:26):
You know what I mean? Like, Graham, it just doesn't make sense.
The house chess is it does in a way because it's spatially relationships
and just women's brains, men's brains work differently. Yeah.
They literally do work.
Our brains are more categorized, whereas theirs are kind of everything connects
like kind of more webby.
But we have inter gender. We have trans.

(01:25:46):
We have we have so many variations of what gender fluidness is.
If you if that's like we did.
You're getting what you're.
No, hold on. I mean, we still have it.
It's just it doesn't it's like just if it does, if it's not recognized or whatever.
There are varying degrees of gender.
I know that there's people born male.

(01:26:06):
There's people born female.
Then there are people born intersex.
There's people born, you know, whatever.
In those situations, though, the mental this wall.
The only reason I'm even pointing it out is like you can't say that men think one
way, women think the other way.
I think there's there's spectrum of how people how people think.
There's men that are more in touch with their feminine side.
Sure. There are women who more in touch with their masculine side.

(01:26:27):
And I think that that does affect how your brain works.
Like I so it does.
But when you're talking about something like this, what we're saying is because you
got to look at the overall numbers.
So you're picking from a pool of millions of people, not.
Yes, there's this one person here, but they also have to then be that one person has to also then be into chess

(01:26:48):
versus millions of people.
But I will say chess is the most accessible, one of the most accessible games in the entire world.
You could play chess with literally a few pieces of paper on some like lines in the sand
if you really wanted to. Right.
Like it's you can play in your mind like people play against themselves.

(01:27:08):
Right. Like I know a guy who does that.
Yeah. No, I know, too.
I'm saying they play on the phone.
They'll call and say the letters. Yeah.
Yeah. And then remember where the pieces are.
What about playing yourself those crazy?
Because here's the thing.
You go with like a move, but then you go to the other side.
Like, how would I combat that?
And then like you're teaching yourself.
It's insane. Yeah.

(01:27:30):
But these girls, one of them is known for having this strategy called the the cow opening.
It's just like I don't know if it's something she made up or if it was like just something not very
not used very often, but it's just like she needed to have an opening.
So she went with the cow opening.
And so that's not going to translate well to radio, but like on the so

(01:27:55):
in anticipation for the cow opening, the other girl is about to make her move
and the girl unzips her jacket, pulls open her shirt and on her shirt,
it says, I'm not in the mood.
And it's a picture of a cow.
And the girl who does the cow opening lost her fucking mind.
And then she's like, if I win, can I have that?
She's like, yeah.
And then she just concentrates entirely on the fucking game and destroys her

(01:28:18):
or like has a good match or whatever.
And it's like she's like, yes, I fucking won.
I love just the competitive, you know. Yeah.
Yeah. So anyway, there's our chest portion of the crystal.
How did it get there? I don't know.
Was it from the cowtails?
Maybe. I don't fucking know.
I'm so sorry, everybody.
So we go.

(01:28:39):
Chris, wait, I can tell you how we got there.
We got there through.
Oh, yeah. I believe.
Jelly breath. Jelly breath.
Yeah. Donut shop.
Small nugs. Yeah.
So Ralph gets his they get their presents.
They open it up.
It's a baby. Yeah.
And he gets his baby gun.

(01:28:59):
And it's the one person he did not ask for the gun.
That's a whole movie.
I didn't think about that.
Only person he should have asked, the only person that wanted to get him
that gift was that.
But he's afraid of asking.
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
Which is but this is maybe the start of a better relationship.
Well, it seemed like they had a good relationship in general, but he just
it was I think it was different times.

(01:29:20):
I think the father was more of a, you know,
of a scary role in the household, where it was more wait till your dad gets home.
And I tell him about this.
Wait till your dad gets home.
Yeah. I can't tell you how many times I heard that.
Oh, yeah. I still hear that.
You know, I still have to do that when I get home.
Like, it's not fun getting home and having to discipline your kids.
But yeah, that's what you got to do.
His mom wants to be the good guy. Yeah.

(01:29:42):
See, that's the thing.
That's where I would
fail as a parent.
That's why I'm not a parent, you know, because if I had children,
I don't think I could be a disciplinary.
And I'd be like too much like, hey, let's hang out.
And then the moment they disappointed me or the moment they came at me
with like boogers in their in their on their fingers or whatever,
I'd be like, stay away from me.
And I think that that's where that's where.

(01:30:03):
So that's why I actively choose not to have kids because like no child,
no child should have to put through a parent who doesn't want to like
be around them if they're being gross or being a being a shithead or whatever.
Like I would are just a kid. Right. Just being a kid. Yeah.
Yeah. I would describe kids in general.
Yeah. Yeah. I know.
Now I figured that. Yeah. Gross shitheads. Yeah.

(01:30:24):
When I was a child, I don't think I was gross.
It's probably still like a clean, you know, I don't want like whatever.
But your mom has a picture you somewhere all over your face.
Yeah. Maybe my mom, I used to break out of my crib
at night when I was a toddler or whatever, a kid or a baby or whatever.
Baby's day out. Baby day out.
And I end up in the closet around the.

(01:30:46):
Well, OK, Mike, Mike's eyes, Mike's fucking eyebrows.
Story got so hopeful right.
You end up in the closet like Randy a few months ago.
Yeah. But anyway,
I did not like the weird fourth wall break that he does.
OK, so well, first off, he gets a BB gun and he shoots his fucking eye out,

(01:31:09):
which I absolutely that's one of the best things ever.
He doesn't actually. He breaks his glass.
He shoots right underneath his eye.
It looks like that's where you're like, Bing Bing.
And it just immediately.
Most of the trick was it broke his glasses so he couldn't see out of that eye.
So we thought he shot his eye.
No, wait, I don't think it would know the glasses.

(01:31:30):
And no, it hit him underneath the cheek.
And I think in the in the whatever his glasses fell off.
And then he steps on one of the lenses and breaks it.
But he almost shoots his eye within an inch or two of like his eye.
So that's I mean.
That's pretty funny. That's everyone says it.
But I don't like the weird fourth wall break where he goes, I suppose

(01:31:53):
I'll do the ice school thing, which I like that.
But he was thinking aloud.
Yeah, well, sure.
But when he cries and then he goes upstairs, it's that when he's at the
scene of the week and then he turns to the camera and he goes,
you know, like winks or whatever. I don't like that.
Why make a whole movie where there's no fourth wall breaking
at the very end, other than narration than do it.
And then then we get this.

(01:32:17):
What the bumpest dogs?
The bump. Yeah, they come in the forest of the Farquhaz dogs.
No, no. Farquhaz was the bump kiss with the neighbors.
OK, Marcus was the bullies. Yeah.
They're actually literally called the bump. OK.
Well, yeah. Then they come in because Ralph left the door open work.
My mom actually did, too.
But and they come in and they destroy the father's.

(01:32:39):
This reminded me of Brennan very much.
The turkey dinner.
And Brennan is a big Bob's Burger guy, too, where he looks like Bob's Burger.
And I'm embodying Bob.
And he loves Turkey.
I do. What are you doing this year? Smoking it.
I'm going to get some of that turkey.
It's going to be good. And.

(01:33:03):
Yeah. And then we get the they go to Chinese food
and we get a very that does not hold up well seen
of the Chinese workers there being forced to sing carols,
but being forced to colonize their fucking accents
because it's not good enough to say rah, rah, rah.

(01:33:24):
They have to say la, la, la. You know, and it's like
it was their boss correcting them.
Yeah, but that doesn't make it better.
I think that just it's not them working.
It's not them being like, oh, we're not getting this, guys.
It's this it's like it wasn't them as like a group being like,
let's try to nail this for this family.
We're excited to finally have some here on a Christmas.

(01:33:46):
This is something we've been looking forward to.
We've been researching your customs and like this is the best
that we can do.
This was like look like a manager forcing his coworkers
to be like, no, it's Christmas. Let's do this.
And then they sing and then he's trying to.
But the family wasn't complaining.
But my mind went to all the Jews that are there.
They eat there every year.
And now they're all like Christmas carols.

(01:34:07):
They're one place they can go on Christmas.
That's true.
Drayd, old Drayd, old Drayd.
It's just you haven't hear you sing like they have a whole collection,
a whole festive that one seventh day kid in your parents,
he would lose his fucking mind in that.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
The thing that I thought was interesting that I learned this time
was that the actress who played the mom didn't know that the duck

(01:34:30):
was going to come out with its head on.
And so like that part when they did that line and the guy,
the waiter chops it off, like that was her genuine reaction to that.
Like, oh, shit, shit.
That was that was pretty great.
And then he's like, you know, well, the things looking at us
and he chops off the head. That's great.
Very cool. And then we're just abrupt.

(01:34:51):
There's credits. I didn't really go back.
They go back to the house and then you get the scene.
The kids are in bed and the mom and dad are finally having their like,
you know, glass of wine.
Dad's going to get lucky.
Listen to Holy Night.
Yeah, it's a little sweet.
And then we get the credits.
And so I got lucky after credits. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. And they had a good successful.
Well, it was a sweet ending till Brennan ruined it.

(01:35:12):
Yeah.
No, yeah, they definitely fucked.
I gave it a happy ending.
Yeah, I gave it a B minus because.
Yeah, I mean, maybe on a rewatch, it does lose a little bit of its
charm, but like I've seen it so many times, it still holds up so well.
And I love it.

(01:35:32):
So, yeah, be mine to spread it.
Yeah, it still holds up for me.
It's still one of my favorite Christmas movies.
I don't know if it's nostalgia or what.
It's just one of the most quotable movies.
So I gave it a B plus plus plus plus plus plus. OK. Here's mine.
So there you have it.
A Christmas story is a holiday humbug.
If you're looking for a festive film experience, stick to the classics

(01:35:55):
like it's a wonderful life or miracle on 34th Street.
At least those movies don't make me want to show a candy cane
where the sun don't shine. What?
However, this is still the Christmas movie.
All other modern Christmas movies wish they could be.
It's like catching lightning in a bottle if lighting was made
of childhood memories and casual swearing.
And unlike most holiday classics, it actually gets better with age.

(01:36:19):
Kind of like my attitude problem.
B minus. B minus.
Well, this is what I was saying before, but I'll tear a movie apart all through it.
But I know it's good.
How many pluses did you give it?
So how many Christmas trees is this?
I gave it six pluses.
That's what I wrote down.

(01:36:42):
New way of doing this now.
Cool. I went off. I went off on it.
I just changed my grade on the next movie.
Good. All right.
So with adjusted inflation.
It's Christmas tree.
Oh, by the way, everybody, our
our grading system until very until like a week from now.

(01:37:06):
Yeah. Two weeks when season four starts will be a new format.
Look forward to that January.
The beginning of January.
That's when we're going to change our rating system.
But until then, we're finishing it out strong with B is our top.
And then W is a waste of time.
So from that, B plus plus, you know, whatever is as high as it gets.

(01:37:29):
Right. So I gave it a B minus.
Brendan gave it a B plus.
And then with a factor of six, Mike gave it a B minus.
Take away the two minuses.
Christmas story gets a B plus plus plus plus four pluses.
So there we go.
Official for the next movie.

(01:37:50):
Official.
Which won't be next in line.
I guess. Yeah, it's already released.
It'll be. It'll be.
It'll be the whole episode.
Yeah, the whole episode. Wait for that.
All right. Cool, everybody.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you for joining us for this.
I mean, I guess in the beginning, we just tore apart religion and and and

(01:38:13):
and this holiday and this commercialism.
We talked a lot about.
And then we commercialized it.
And we commercialized it.
We talked a lot.
We went on a lot of tangents.
But yeah, you were here with us.
So thank you.
Merry Christmas with me as always.
It's Brendan.

(01:38:35):
I still like Brendan got ran over by a reindeer
watching Christmas story a third time.
30th, 30th time.
No one knew that Brendan had a turkey was a turkey smoking.

(01:38:58):
For Thanksgiving time,
Shipley up to Boston.
That's a long smoke from smoking at Christmas time for Thanksgiving.
It's going to be delicious.
Or or way powdery.
The way powder is going to be crispy turkey powder.
Turkey.
Which sounds delicious.
With us as always is Mike.

(01:39:20):
I mean, he's been smoking so long, he's basically turkey powder.
At this point, Larsen, I'm the gizzards.
You're the gizzard, the gizzard of Oz.
And I've been your host, Andy Rice.
This has been Christmas.
We've been Fried Rice Podcast.
You've been merry. Have a good night.

(01:40:07):
Go on a tangent soon.
The guys are standing by.
It's a fried rice Christmas.
Let's all smoke some pot.
We love all of our listeners.
You all mean a lot.
It's a fried rice Christmas.

(01:40:29):
Ho ho ho.
Ho ho ho.

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