September 13, 2025 • 26 mins
A heartfelt conversation with Dr. Phil as he shares his journey after losing his partner Nicole to suicide and how this tragedy led him to create healing through art therapy and community support.
Phil Bulone
- Tel: +1 813-601-1688
- Website: https://www.philblmhc.com/
- Email: pbulone3@gmail.com
- LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/phil-bulone-phd-lmhc-atr-bc-8b860b7/
• Adventurous beginnings – Phil and Nicole were soulmates who went skydiving on their first date and traveled extensively together
• The unexpected tragedy – Nicole died by suicide at 33 during a stressful holiday period
• Processing grief minute by minute – Phil found support through family, colleagues, and immersing himself in art therapy education
• Art as healing – Creating artwork provided a way to process trauma and experience somatic release
• LOSS program (Local Outreach to Suicide Survivors) – Phil now works with the only state-funded program of its kind in Florida
• Importance of survivor connections – Finding others who have experienced similar loss provides crucial support
Join us as we support Mental Health America Southeast Florida this month!
If you've lost someone to suicide, consider reaching out to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP.org) to find support groups in your area. Connection with others who understand is where the healing "magic" happens.
Start for FREE
Shireen's Bookkeeping Services LLC
Outsourcing your bookkeeping to Shireen’s Bookkeeping Services can save you time and money.
Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.
Stay Wild!
- YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@friendsfromwildplaces
- Website: https://friendsfromwildplaces.buzzsprout.com/
- Itunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/friends-from-wild-places/id1619076023
- Twitter: https://twitter.com/FFWP_podcast
- LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/friendsfromwildplacespodcast
Leave a review!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Voiceover (00:03):
Tales from the wild, stories from the heart.
A journey into the mind andsoul of fired up business
professionals, where they sharetheir vision for the future and
hear from a different non-profitorganization every month as
they create awareness of theirgoals and their needs.
Dive into a world of untamedpassion as we join our host,
(00:27):
Shireen Botha, for this month'sepisode of Friends from Wild
Places.
Tanya Scotece (00:35):
And your work now , phil, it's just, I mean,
amazing as far as you know, inthe community in Florida.
But do you mind walking usthrough the journey with Nicole,
as far as you know, in thecommunity in Florida, but do you
mind walking us through thejourney with with Nicole, as far
as you know, just your journeywith her, what you know?
Because for our listeners outthere you know some of them are
listening to us monthly and wekind of reference different
(00:56):
things but I'd like them to heardirectly from you your journey
with Nicole and how it allowedyou to go into this different
line of work and not so muchdifferent but an added layer to
what you were already doing.
Right, you're already servingcommunity, already in education
and already in giving back.
But if you don't mind justwalking us through the journey,
(01:16):
because you know suicide is justa very sensitive topic for many
people.
So many of us have had lovedones or friends or family that
have died by suicide.
So can you just walk us throughthe journey with Nicole and,
you know, share with us as muchas you feel comfortable.
Shireen Botha (01:35):
Thank you.
Phil Bulone (01:37):
Yeah, yeah, I mean.
So, yeah, nicole and I actuallyworked together at the school,
at the college where I wasmentioning earlier.
She was in student services onthe online division and I was on
the on-ground and, like yousaid, yeah, I think what kind of
brought us together too was acommon, a common focus on, you
(02:00):
know, serving others and justalso being curious, just being,
um, curious creatures of theworld.
You know, like we just wereally do feel like we were
soulmates in a certain certainperspective, even though that's
like a term thrown around a lotright, but like we really did
believe it.
You know, um complimented eachother so well.
(02:22):
Um, in particular, you know,like I like to kind of talk
about Nicole being, you know,she was like a risk taker.
We went to, we went on, firstdate was skydiving, so like who
really does that right?
And you know, even though itwas my idea because it was like
my 40th birthday and I wanted todo something like, you know,
milestone, she clearly was, youknow, a wild woman and a risk
(02:47):
taker.
She had been a couple of timesbefore.
So the minute she heard that,like she kind of went all out
and planned it, and so I thoughtthat that was kind of an
appropriate way to sort ofwhatever I talk about Nicole and
our journeys start off likethat, because she was, she was a
wild woman, you know, um, we,um, we traveled a lot together
too.
(03:07):
We actually went to South Africa.
It was one of her favoriteplaces.
Um, yeah, um, I remember she,when we, when we arrived there
the first night and, um, we werelistening to, like you know,
the waves crashing andeverything in Cape Town, and
she's like I could live herelike, oh, me too, so very
(03:30):
adventurous.
So we were very adventurous.
You know, these are the kind ofthings too that, like, when you
hear about Nicole and I andit's like you're kind of like,
well, what happened?
Because, like you were, you know, you guys were full of life and
you she was 33 at the time andI was 40.
So we were together for sevenyears.
So, like you know, she was inher 30s, just full of life and
(03:56):
soulmates again, it's, you know,it's hard to kind of think back
to of all of the.
I don't want to necessarily saygood times, but you know, when
I describe her it's kind of likeI'm outside of myself, because
then it's like so unbelievablethat she was in so much psychic
(04:20):
pain that was so invisible thatyou know, I couldn't see that,
or her or her family or friendscouldn't see that as well.
But but, um, but yeah, um, wewere soulmates and um we lived.
We lived a full and excitingand adventurous life together
(04:41):
yeah, yeah and and the journey.
Tanya Scotece (04:44):
So, as far as you know, together, you know, very
adventurous girl, young, vibrantum soulmates as you described.
And then, um, do you mindsharing with us the you know,
the you know what happenedaround that christmas time, that
period that literally like wasjust kind of um unexpected,
right out of the blue.
(05:04):
It wasn't something that youhad seen.
Her friends, family, what, whatdid what did that time period
actually like unfold for for youand your family?
Phil Bulone (05:15):
yeah, yeah, so, um, but that time period was really
stressful, especially forNicole.
Um, she, she had gone actuallyback to school for nursing.
She had changed jobs because,again, I remember, like the
school we worked for had closeddown so that, you know, pivoted
both of us in kind of careerdirections at the time, and so
(05:36):
she was going through a lot ofstress going through school and,
you know, stress at work aswell.
And then we both had to work onChristmas Eve day, which is,
you know, generally stressful,but you know, people have to
work on Christmas Eve day andthere's always like stress, you
know, around the holidays, maybeadded stress.
But she hadn't been sleepingactually for on and off for
(06:01):
about two weeks.
So I had learned afterwards howimportant sleep is, especially
when folks are, you know, reallyreally stressed out or, um, you
know, it really changes yourbrain and you could like start
hearing voices even, or, like itwent into like a brief
psychotic episode, so, um, soshe wasn't really sleeping.
(06:22):
Now she was on someantidepressant medicine which I
had come to find out she wasn'ttaking.
So there's sort of an indicator.
You know, lots of times when wetalk about suicide it's never
just one thing, but it's thispuzzle that you're never going
to have all of the pieces.
But you know, as survivors andthe bereaved, you you know we do
(06:44):
go through a process of kind ofputting together some of the
pieces, even though we're notwe're going to have all of them.
You know, come up with some ofsort of maybe the reasons why,
um and um.
One of the things is nicole didstruggle with, uh, substance
use, alcohol in particular.
She never really got help forthat.
So she's been.
She was drinking a lot duringthose couple of weeks and
(07:05):
especially that night, and shewas diagnosed with ADHD adult
ADHD at one point and was takingAdderall.
And she wasn't abusing Adderallbecause we all were kind of
aware of that and autopsiesdidn't show any indication that
she was.
However, she did use Adderallto help her focus.
(07:29):
She kind of was very aware ofthat.
Sometimes when she'd go to thegrocery store she'd be like, oh
babe, I have to take Adderall.
It's like, okay, well, to focus.
So you could tell she kind ofhad a hypersensitivity to her or
sort of maybe even like aninsecurity or a way of relying
on Adderall sometimes to focuswhen she thought she was had to
(07:50):
really focus on things Right.
So that night on the 23rd ofDecember it was really late and
she was wanting to do like getahead of some of her work that
she knew she had to complete thenext day.
So she had brought home these,like you know, a computer screen
for the laptop, so she couldhave a couple of the screens to
work faster.
(08:10):
And she was drinking a lot thatnight, a lot, a lot, and then
she had taken Adderall real late, and then at one point, about
10, 10, 11 o'clock, she wastrying to put these computers
together so she could startworking, and we just couldn't
get the computer screens to work.
And so she did go into a bit ofa rage that night and kind of
(08:33):
carried on and was making ascene outside and was just real
ragey, you know, about not beingable to have the computers
working, and so, like one thingled to another, and it was, like
you know, trying to help justde-escalate, come to bed, just
come to bed, and just lots ofslamming doors and just try to
de-escalate her.
And it wasn't, you know, itwasn't, though you know,
(08:54):
anything that was out of thenorm, because when she was
drinking and she could rage likethat, and you know, most times
she would, you know, just comeback to bed, or pretty much.
You know, clearly, every othertime she would just sleep it off
.
But not, not the case this time.
So I went to bed and then Iactually found her the next
(09:16):
morning and she, she actuallyhanged herself from the computer
courts.
Tanya Scotece (09:25):
Wow, wow, wow next morning and she, she
actually hanged herself from thecomputer courts.
Wow, wow, wow.
It's just the story I I'veyou've shared um you know, I've
heard the story but, every timeI hear it, dr phil, it just it's
.
It just brings back just thoseraw emotions yeah yeah and um,
did she leave a note?
Was there a note left oranything?
Phil Bulone (09:42):
so she didn't leave a note.
No, she didn't leave me a text,it was like a 201 am and I
found her at seven o'clock.
Basically am and um.
It said love you xo.
And that was the way she wouldsign, like you know, greeting
cards to me or whatever.
Right, it was like love you xo.
So so yeah, and interestinglyenough, now that I'm into this
(10:02):
work with suicide loss andpost-prevention work, you have
come to learn that actually only20% of those who really die by
suicide leave a note.
So it's not a whole.
yeah, it's not like a large, alarge sort of percentage and so
many times, even when someoneleaves a note, I've noticed and
observed it doesn't really makemuch of a yeah it doesn't.
Tanya Scotece (10:26):
It doesn't solve the uh, doesn't solve the, the
questions that we have, as youknow, as families and uh those
left behind.
So what was that?
So I mean first of all, justyou know, I mean we.
So we so appreciate you justgoing there with us, as far as
you know, helping us understandwhat you're doing now and your
work.
(10:46):
So from that moment so that wasChristmas Eve.
Then, right, the Christmas.
Phil Bulone (10:50):
Eve.
Early Christmas Eve morning.
Yeah, okay.
Tanya Scotece (10:54):
And and then, from that point on, how did you
like what happened?
Like, how did?
How do you?
How do you get through the day?
What was that?
What was it like, minute byminute?
Phil Bulone (11:04):
I mean, yeah, like we, we talk about that like
second, but we say minute byminute, then we're like second
by second.
Yeah, you know, it's like it'sso true, it's literally second
by second.
Yeah.
Voiceover (11:15):
You know, I was very grateful.
Phil Bulone (11:22):
I mean grateful.
I have a supportive family, myown family as well as, um,
nicole's family, you know andthroughout this whole process,
you know they've been verysupportive, so I'm very grateful
for that.
So, um, yeah, and at the time Iwas also working with a really
great team and we were reallyclose.
So, um, I just did a lot ofreaching out, you know, in that
sense, and being around peoplehelped me at first.
(11:44):
Yeah, so it was.
It was minute by minute.
I did go to some therapy atfirst, but but for me, diving
into school right away and kindof, you know, serendipitously or
whatever, however, we want tosort of say that it, being a
(12:06):
program that was specificallyfor therapy, was the best
therapy for me.
Now, I spent a lot of money ona degree, but it was worth it,
because I don't think I couldhave gotten that kind of of of
sort of therapeutic experienceeven if I just went to a
therapist, let's say, a coupleof times a week even, or you
(12:27):
know.
However, that works, but for meto immerse myself into.
That is really what Ipersonally needed.
Tanya Scotece (12:45):
Right, right, having this pivot, can you walk
our listeners through?
Just a general overview of yourmaster's thesis, for this
degree was dedicated to Nicole.
Phil Bulone (12:57):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So what I did was I mean, Iactually so it was.
It was primarily an art therapydegree, so, you know, I focused
on on making art about myexperience of losing Nicole.
So it was about, you know, alittle bit, almost, let's say,
about three years worth of work.
(13:18):
So I created a body of workthat, as I was noticing, was
really documenting my path, likevisually, from the moment I
found Nicole until about threeyears later.
So it was really powerful.
And I also noticed, though,that, instinctively, I was
(13:40):
actually making art before Ieven started the art therapy
program, probably because of mybackground in design, and that
just that became.
I came more familiar with thefact that that was my language,
like creating was my language,and to express all of the all of
(14:01):
the trauma and the grief andthe loss so because like I, I
instinctively was just, eveneven when you start, when he and
some folks might actually dothis too like, even just
starting off with like oh, Igotta arrange the pictures for
you know, the photos for the,for the, for the funeral, right,
it was like I was doing it insuch a way that I was creating a
(14:22):
story and I was bringing inother images from magazines, and
so I literally, like, wascreating a collage and I didn't
even know it.
You know, it was my first wayof like processing, right, um,
and then I kind of got into more, you know, more in-depth
artistic expressions, um, veryearly on.
So, yeah, it chronicled myjourney.
(14:43):
That was what my thesis was.
Tanya Scotece (14:46):
Yeah, and if you don't mind, just if you just
real brief share with thelisteners as far as the how, the
art that first came out of youwas very raw, right?
Those like can you just walk usthrough that just from the
actual momentum.
Phil Bulone (15:02):
Yeah, I mean they were very raw, they were
somewhat primitive, you know, Ithink part of that too was just,
you know, clearly, dealing withmy own trauma and how it could
be even like pre-verbal whenthere's just no words Right.
So, yeah, they were really raw.
I used a lot of found objectsactually, I used, like wood and
I was creating sculptures and Ifeel like that also helped me
(15:26):
ground myself, at first by usingobjects and a lot of more like
three-dimensional artwork, sothat expressed a lot of the
rawness, and then just by sothat expressed a lot of the
rawness, and then just byabstracting a lot of the um
images that I had in my mindabout finding nicole, I mean,
(15:46):
because clearly that was thatwas kind of the first sort of um
part of this that I wasprocessing with the, with the
intensive, intrusive, you know,images and um, abstracting them
so I could see them in adifferent way, from a different
perspective, as well as just theprocess of creating and using
(16:07):
the materials allowed me to sortof transfer all of that torment
and trauma into something else.
Not that it really ever goesaway, but it did softened it, it
did take the charge out.
There was one point in um aboutfebruary.
Yeah, when I was was creatingsome pieces and I I physically
(16:31):
felt um a release in my body wow, that's so powerful, so like
both powerful and empowering toyou.
Tanya Scotece (16:45):
Wow, so like a somatic release, yeah an
absolute somatic release yeah.
Good.
Phil Bulone (16:52):
Yeah, and other people could do it in other ways
, you know, whether writing orexercising and things like that
but for me it was really aboutcreating the art you know and
the meaning out of it.
Shireen Botha (17:04):
I'm going to pop in here because I have a few
questions of my own just toconfirm the thesis and your art
show.
But before we continue, I justwant to add a little bit of a
buzzsprout ad here.
So, listeners, friends fromWild Places, I'm sure you all
know, but for the newbies, it isa place to share stories, like
(17:25):
Phil and from other businessowners as well, and
professionals.
It is a safe space for them.
So we also feature nonprofitsevery month to try and make a
difference or give a helpline tosomeone in need.
To try and make a difference orgive a helpline to someone in
need.
So do you have a message youwant to share with the world?
Or maybe you think it'll justbe fun to have your own talk
(17:48):
show?
Podcasting is an easy,inexpensive and fun way to
expand your reach online.
To start your own podcast,follow the link in the show
notes.
This lets Buzzsprout know wesent you and it does help
support the show.
Remember, the team atbuzzsprout is passionate about
(18:09):
helping you succeed.
Tanya and I use this platformto grow our network.
We find that networking issuper important in growing
businesses, um, and growing, asI said, your reach.
So, uh, we really love BrowseSprout and what it does for us.
(18:30):
Um, but yes, phil, you know,first of all, I that was the
first time I'd actually heardthe story of Nicole, so I was a
little bit taken back.
Um, so when you talk about well, when Tanya talks about thesis
(18:50):
and your art, are you referringto your art show that's called a
step ahead of my tormented mind, or is that something different
?
And if that is somethingdifferent, would you like to
share a little bit more aboutthat?
Because I had a look at it andI'm absolutely in awe of your
art.
I think it's beautiful, um, andso expressive, but, yeah, so
(19:14):
please let us know, is it's, isit the same thing that Tanya's
talking about or was itsomething else?
Phil Bulone (19:20):
Yeah, it's relatively the same.
Most of the pieces that I hadmade for my thesis are in the
art show.
Now the thesis was a bit moreacademic, so there was more of a
methodical know, a methodical,clearly, you know a methodical
(19:42):
way of doing it, and not everypiece is up from.
My thesis is in the art showbecause I, you know, I focus on
qualitative research and so Idid a lot of like um, um, sort
of smaller pieces that then ledto a bigger piece.
So really, the what's in theworld of art therapy would be a
(20:04):
response art.
So I'd make, like I'd make apiece of art and then I would
respond to it.
So it kind of builds in itsmeaning.
So not all of that is in theshow.
The art show just sort of likethe final pieces, and then
there's a few others in the artshow that I had made after I had
graduated.
So it's not 100% the same.
(20:26):
My master's thesis in the artshow, but the master's thesis
basically was the inspirationfor the art show, and the art
show was showed in SoutheastFlorida at Mental Health America
and that's also where I work.
So yeah, I was honored for themto allow me to have it shown
(20:47):
there in one of their galleries.
Shireen Botha (20:49):
Yeah, your art is amazing.
Is there a place that peoplecan access it to go and actually
see it?
Do you have a link or anythingof the sort?
Phil Bulone (20:59):
Not yet, but I'm working on that.
Yeah, I'd like on that, yeah.
Shireen Botha (21:02):
I'd like to share that art, I mean it is
beautiful and it's veryexpressive and moving.
Phil Bulone (21:08):
Yeah.
Shireen Botha (21:11):
So tell us a little bit more about LOSS and
what LOSS does for the community.
Phil Bulone (21:18):
Yeah, so I'm very grateful to be a part of LAW.
So I guess, as I mentioned,local outreach to suicide
survivors and, in particular,suicide loss survivors.
So it's the only program of itskind that's funded in the state
of Florida.
But originally it was started acouple of about 30, 30 years
(21:39):
ago by a gentleman named DrFrank Campbell and he was a
social worker and you know, as Iunderstand, he had experienced
a suicide in his life when hewas younger and he had done some
research in the area and itshowed that, you know, as he
progressed in his career, he haddone some research and it
showed that for those who'vebeen left behind or lost a loved
(22:02):
one to suicide, it would takeabout four and a half years for
someone to reach out for helpand because of all the stigma
and all of the things around,the unique sort of experience we
actually say unique experienceof losing someone to suicide or
shortly after kind of like asalongside first responders to
(22:23):
help create connection anddeliver resources.
(22:46):
So a lot of I think a lot ofwhat sort of started out
grassroots were like incommunities where maybe they
didn't have a lot of access tomental health or access to like
services within law enforcement,finding um focused on, like
human services and things likethat, but um.
So I think that's how, why thatwas like really the need, and
(23:08):
then it started to grow.
But um, as it grew over thedecades, um, the, the l in in
local, really becomes important.
So each one of these teams, inwhatever county or jurisdiction
that you may reside in, are very, very different.
So, in Broward County, which isjust outside of Miami and
(23:30):
basically greater FortLauderdale, that's the county we
serve, and it's an urbanpopulation of about 2 million
people.
So we really work closely withlaw enforcement and their victim
advocates within the lawenforcement agency.
So, when they do get called outto a suicide, they'll work on
their protocols to help us getout there to be with the family
(23:54):
right away, and if not rightaway, then shortly after.
And we may do a lot of homevisits, but that's our primary
role is to connect with folksright away Rather than after.
And we may do a lot of homevisits, but that's our primary
role is to connect with folksright away, rather than four and
a half years matter of reallyminutes or hours or days.
To really, though, make thosethat have been left behind or
(24:17):
have had experience, you know,left behind or have had
experience alone to just show upand give them permission really
to talk about suicide, becauseeven you know, as a person who's
lost a loved one to suicide, itmight be the first time they
might even say the word suicideand it's such a hard word to
clearly even just enter yourmind, let alone speak.
So by us showing up, it justgives them permission.
(24:40):
Make them not feel alone, givethem a little bit sense of hope
because right now you know, atthat moment, clearly your world
has completely changed in somany profound ways and if you
could give a piece of advice tosomebody that has lost somebody
(25:01):
through suicide but does nothave a community or nonprofit
like Lost to reach out to.
Shireen Botha (25:10):
I'm hoping that now we've given the helpline to
someone like that in thatposition, but what is that piece
of advice that you would givethem right now, if they're
listening?
Phil Bulone (25:21):
Yeah, I mean clearly look to see if you have
a lost team in your area, morethan I won't, because it still
hasn't necessarily gained themomentum to be organized within
different areas.
So it's very again, sort ofgrassroots still, sort of
(25:43):
grassroots still.
But I would say, find ways toconnect with other survivors,
and the American Foundation forSuicide Prevention, or AFSPorg,
has on their website a linkwhere you could even just plug
in your zip code and it'll showyou where there will be some
support groups for suicide losssurvivors.
You know, whether they're peersupport groups or run by a
(26:03):
clinician, most are really peer.
That's really where the magiccomes from.
That's what I would say wouldbe like one of the first steps.
Clearly, getting help from atherapist one-on-one is
important.
What I've learned personally,as well as my observations of
others, you know meeting withyou know hundreds of survivors
(26:25):
in the last few years, you know,has been meeting with someone
else who's gone through asimilar experience.
That's really what helps themost.
Shireen Botha (26:34):
Tune in next week for part three of Friends from
Wild Places.
Voiceover (26:40):
You've been listening to Friends from Wild Places
with Shireen Botha.
Be sure to subscribe to thepodcast from the links to catch
every episode and unleash yourpassion.
Tales from the wild, stories from the heart.
A journey into the mind andsoul of fired up business
professionals, where they sharetheir vision for the future and
hear from a different non-profitorganization every month as
they create awareness of theirgoals and their needs.
Dive into a world of untamedpassion as we join our host,
(00:27):
Shireen Botha, for this month'sepisode of Friends from Wild
Places.
Tanya Scotece (00:35):
And your work now , phil, it's just, I mean,
amazing as far as you know, inthe community in Florida.
But do you mind walking usthrough the journey with Nicole,
as far as you know, in thecommunity in Florida, but do you
mind walking us through thejourney with with Nicole, as far
as you know, just your journeywith her, what you know?
Because for our listeners outthere you know some of them are
listening to us monthly and wekind of reference different
(00:56):
things but I'd like them to heardirectly from you your journey
with Nicole and how it allowedyou to go into this different
line of work and not so muchdifferent but an added layer to
what you were already doing.
Right, you're already servingcommunity, already in education
and already in giving back.
But if you don't mind justwalking us through the journey,
(01:16):
because you know suicide is justa very sensitive topic for many
people.
So many of us have had lovedones or friends or family that
have died by suicide.
So can you just walk us throughthe journey with Nicole and,
you know, share with us as muchas you feel comfortable.
Shireen Botha (01:35):
Thank you.
Phil Bulone (01:37):
Yeah, yeah, I mean.
So, yeah, nicole and I actuallyworked together at the school,
at the college where I wasmentioning earlier.
She was in student services onthe online division and I was on
the on-ground and, like yousaid, yeah, I think what kind of
brought us together too was acommon, a common focus on, you
(02:00):
know, serving others and justalso being curious, just being,
um, curious creatures of theworld.
You know, like we just wereally do feel like we were
soulmates in a certain certainperspective, even though that's
like a term thrown around a lotright, but like we really did
believe it.
You know, um complimented eachother so well.
(02:22):
Um, in particular, you know,like I like to kind of talk
about Nicole being, you know,she was like a risk taker.
We went to, we went on, firstdate was skydiving, so like who
really does that right?
And you know, even though itwas my idea because it was like
my 40th birthday and I wanted todo something like, you know,
milestone, she clearly was, youknow, a wild woman and a risk
(02:47):
taker.
She had been a couple of timesbefore.
So the minute she heard that,like she kind of went all out
and planned it, and so I thoughtthat that was kind of an
appropriate way to sort ofwhatever I talk about Nicole and
our journeys start off likethat, because she was, she was a
wild woman, you know, um, we,um, we traveled a lot together
too.
(03:07):
We actually went to South Africa.
It was one of her favoriteplaces.
Um, yeah, um, I remember she,when we, when we arrived there
the first night and, um, we werelistening to, like you know,
the waves crashing andeverything in Cape Town, and
she's like I could live herelike, oh, me too, so very
(03:30):
adventurous.
So we were very adventurous.
You know, these are the kind ofthings too that, like, when you
hear about Nicole and I andit's like you're kind of like,
well, what happened?
Because, like you were, you know, you guys were full of life and
you she was 33 at the time andI was 40.
So we were together for sevenyears.
So, like you know, she was inher 30s, just full of life and
(03:56):
soulmates again, it's, you know,it's hard to kind of think back
to of all of the.
I don't want to necessarily saygood times, but you know, when
I describe her it's kind of likeI'm outside of myself, because
then it's like so unbelievablethat she was in so much psychic
(04:20):
pain that was so invisible thatyou know, I couldn't see that,
or her or her family or friendscouldn't see that as well.
But but, um, but yeah, um, wewere soulmates and um we lived.
We lived a full and excitingand adventurous life together
(04:41):
yeah, yeah and and the journey.
Tanya Scotece (04:44):
So, as far as you know, together, you know, very
adventurous girl, young, vibrantum soulmates as you described.
And then, um, do you mindsharing with us the you know,
the you know what happenedaround that christmas time, that
period that literally like wasjust kind of um unexpected,
right out of the blue.
(05:04):
It wasn't something that youhad seen.
Her friends, family, what, whatdid what did that time period
actually like unfold for for youand your family?
Phil Bulone (05:15):
yeah, yeah, so, um, but that time period was really
stressful, especially forNicole.
Um, she, she had gone actuallyback to school for nursing.
She had changed jobs because,again, I remember, like the
school we worked for had closeddown so that, you know, pivoted
both of us in kind of careerdirections at the time, and so
(05:36):
she was going through a lot ofstress going through school and,
you know, stress at work aswell.
And then we both had to work onChristmas Eve day, which is,
you know, generally stressful,but you know, people have to
work on Christmas Eve day andthere's always like stress, you
know, around the holidays, maybeadded stress.
But she hadn't been sleepingactually for on and off for
(06:01):
about two weeks.
So I had learned afterwards howimportant sleep is, especially
when folks are, you know, reallyreally stressed out or, um, you
know, it really changes yourbrain and you could like start
hearing voices even, or, like itwent into like a brief
psychotic episode, so, um, soshe wasn't really sleeping.
(06:22):
Now she was on someantidepressant medicine which I
had come to find out she wasn'ttaking.
So there's sort of an indicator.
You know, lots of times when wetalk about suicide it's never
just one thing, but it's thispuzzle that you're never going
to have all of the pieces.
But you know, as survivors andthe bereaved, you you know we do
(06:44):
go through a process of kind ofputting together some of the
pieces, even though we're notwe're going to have all of them.
You know, come up with some ofsort of maybe the reasons why,
um and um.
One of the things is nicole didstruggle with, uh, substance
use, alcohol in particular.
She never really got help forthat.
So she's been.
She was drinking a lot duringthose couple of weeks and
(07:05):
especially that night, and shewas diagnosed with ADHD adult
ADHD at one point and was takingAdderall.
And she wasn't abusing Adderallbecause we all were kind of
aware of that and autopsiesdidn't show any indication that
she was.
However, she did use Adderallto help her focus.
(07:29):
She kind of was very aware ofthat.
Sometimes when she'd go to thegrocery store she'd be like, oh
babe, I have to take Adderall.
It's like, okay, well, to focus.
So you could tell she kind ofhad a hypersensitivity to her or
sort of maybe even like aninsecurity or a way of relying
on Adderall sometimes to focuswhen she thought she was had to
(07:50):
really focus on things Right.
So that night on the 23rd ofDecember it was really late and
she was wanting to do like getahead of some of her work that
she knew she had to complete thenext day.
So she had brought home these,like you know, a computer screen
for the laptop, so she couldhave a couple of the screens to
work faster.
(08:10):
And she was drinking a lot thatnight, a lot, a lot, and then
she had taken Adderall real late, and then at one point, about
10, 10, 11 o'clock, she wastrying to put these computers
together so she could startworking, and we just couldn't
get the computer screens to work.
And so she did go into a bit ofa rage that night and kind of
(08:33):
carried on and was making ascene outside and was just real
ragey, you know, about not beingable to have the computers
working, and so, like one thingled to another, and it was, like
you know, trying to help justde-escalate, come to bed, just
come to bed, and just lots ofslamming doors and just try to
de-escalate her.
And it wasn't, you know, itwasn't, though you know,
(08:54):
anything that was out of thenorm, because when she was
drinking and she could rage likethat, and you know, most times
she would, you know, just comeback to bed, or pretty much.
You know, clearly, every othertime she would just sleep it off
.
But not, not the case this time.
So I went to bed and then Iactually found her the next
(09:16):
morning and she, she actuallyhanged herself from the computer
courts.
Tanya Scotece (09:25):
Wow, wow, wow next morning and she, she
actually hanged herself from thecomputer courts.
Wow, wow, wow.
It's just the story I I'veyou've shared um you know, I've
heard the story but, every timeI hear it, dr phil, it just it's
.
It just brings back just thoseraw emotions yeah yeah and um,
did she leave a note?
Was there a note left oranything?
Phil Bulone (09:42):
so she didn't leave a note.
No, she didn't leave me a text,it was like a 201 am and I
found her at seven o'clock.
Basically am and um.
It said love you xo.
And that was the way she wouldsign, like you know, greeting
cards to me or whatever.
Right, it was like love you xo.
So so yeah, and interestinglyenough, now that I'm into this
(10:02):
work with suicide loss andpost-prevention work, you have
come to learn that actually only20% of those who really die by
suicide leave a note.
So it's not a whole.
yeah, it's not like a large, alarge sort of percentage and so
many times, even when someoneleaves a note, I've noticed and
observed it doesn't really makemuch of a yeah it doesn't.
Tanya Scotece (10:26):
It doesn't solve the uh, doesn't solve the, the
questions that we have, as youknow, as families and uh those
left behind.
So what was that?
So I mean first of all, justyou know, I mean we.
So we so appreciate you justgoing there with us, as far as
you know, helping us understandwhat you're doing now and your
work.
(10:46):
So from that moment so that wasChristmas Eve.
Then, right, the Christmas.
Phil Bulone (10:50):
Eve.
Early Christmas Eve morning.
Yeah, okay.
Tanya Scotece (10:54):
And and then, from that point on, how did you
like what happened?
Like, how did?
How do you?
How do you get through the day?
What was that?
What was it like, minute byminute?
Phil Bulone (11:04):
I mean, yeah, like we, we talk about that like
second, but we say minute byminute, then we're like second
by second.
Yeah, you know, it's like it'sso true, it's literally second
by second.
Yeah.
Voiceover (11:15):
You know, I was very grateful.
Phil Bulone (11:22):
I mean grateful.
I have a supportive family, myown family as well as, um,
nicole's family, you know andthroughout this whole process,
you know they've been verysupportive, so I'm very grateful
for that.
So, um, yeah, and at the time Iwas also working with a really
great team and we were reallyclose.
So, um, I just did a lot ofreaching out, you know, in that
sense, and being around peoplehelped me at first.
(11:44):
Yeah, so it was.
It was minute by minute.
I did go to some therapy atfirst, but but for me, diving
into school right away and kindof, you know, serendipitously or
whatever, however, we want tosort of say that it, being a
(12:06):
program that was specificallyfor therapy, was the best
therapy for me.
Now, I spent a lot of money ona degree, but it was worth it,
because I don't think I couldhave gotten that kind of of of
sort of therapeutic experienceeven if I just went to a
therapist, let's say, a coupleof times a week even, or you
(12:27):
know.
However, that works, but for meto immerse myself into.
That is really what Ipersonally needed.
Tanya Scotece (12:45):
Right, right, having this pivot, can you walk
our listeners through?
Just a general overview of yourmaster's thesis, for this
degree was dedicated to Nicole.
Phil Bulone (12:57):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So what I did was I mean, Iactually so it was.
It was primarily an art therapydegree, so, you know, I focused
on on making art about myexperience of losing Nicole.
So it was about, you know, alittle bit, almost, let's say,
about three years worth of work.
(13:18):
So I created a body of workthat, as I was noticing, was
really documenting my path, likevisually, from the moment I
found Nicole until about threeyears later.
So it was really powerful.
And I also noticed, though,that, instinctively, I was
(13:40):
actually making art before Ieven started the art therapy
program, probably because of mybackground in design, and that
just that became.
I came more familiar with thefact that that was my language,
like creating was my language,and to express all of the all of
(14:01):
the trauma and the grief andthe loss so because like I, I
instinctively was just, eveneven when you start, when he and
some folks might actually dothis too like, even just
starting off with like oh, Igotta arrange the pictures for
you know, the photos for the,for the, for the funeral, right,
it was like I was doing it insuch a way that I was creating a
(14:22):
story and I was bringing inother images from magazines, and
so I literally, like, wascreating a collage and I didn't
even know it.
You know, it was my first wayof like processing, right, um,
and then I kind of got into more, you know, more in-depth
artistic expressions, um, veryearly on.
So, yeah, it chronicled myjourney.
(14:43):
That was what my thesis was.
Tanya Scotece (14:46):
Yeah, and if you don't mind, just if you just
real brief share with thelisteners as far as the how, the
art that first came out of youwas very raw, right?
Those like can you just walk usthrough that just from the
actual momentum.
Phil Bulone (15:02):
Yeah, I mean they were very raw, they were
somewhat primitive, you know, Ithink part of that too was just,
you know, clearly, dealing withmy own trauma and how it could
be even like pre-verbal whenthere's just no words Right.
So, yeah, they were really raw.
I used a lot of found objectsactually, I used, like wood and
I was creating sculptures and Ifeel like that also helped me
(15:26):
ground myself, at first by usingobjects and a lot of more like
three-dimensional artwork, sothat expressed a lot of the
rawness, and then just by sothat expressed a lot of the
rawness, and then just byabstracting a lot of the um
images that I had in my mindabout finding nicole, I mean,
(15:46):
because clearly that was thatwas kind of the first sort of um
part of this that I wasprocessing with the, with the
intensive, intrusive, you know,images and um, abstracting them
so I could see them in adifferent way, from a different
perspective, as well as just theprocess of creating and using
(16:07):
the materials allowed me to sortof transfer all of that torment
and trauma into something else.
Not that it really ever goesaway, but it did softened it, it
did take the charge out.
There was one point in um aboutfebruary.
Yeah, when I was was creatingsome pieces and I I physically
(16:31):
felt um a release in my body wow, that's so powerful, so like
both powerful and empowering toyou.
Tanya Scotece (16:45):
Wow, so like a somatic release, yeah an
absolute somatic release yeah.
Good.
Phil Bulone (16:52):
Yeah, and other people could do it in other ways
, you know, whether writing orexercising and things like that
but for me it was really aboutcreating the art you know and
the meaning out of it.
Shireen Botha (17:04):
I'm going to pop in here because I have a few
questions of my own just toconfirm the thesis and your art
show.
But before we continue, I justwant to add a little bit of a
buzzsprout ad here.
So, listeners, friends fromWild Places, I'm sure you all
know, but for the newbies, it isa place to share stories, like
(17:25):
Phil and from other businessowners as well, and
professionals.
It is a safe space for them.
So we also feature nonprofitsevery month to try and make a
difference or give a helpline tosomeone in need.
To try and make a difference orgive a helpline to someone in
need.
So do you have a message youwant to share with the world?
Or maybe you think it'll justbe fun to have your own talk
(17:48):
show?
Podcasting is an easy,inexpensive and fun way to
expand your reach online.
To start your own podcast,follow the link in the show
notes.
This lets Buzzsprout know wesent you and it does help
support the show.
Remember, the team atbuzzsprout is passionate about
(18:09):
helping you succeed.
Tanya and I use this platformto grow our network.
We find that networking issuper important in growing
businesses, um, and growing, asI said, your reach.
So, uh, we really love BrowseSprout and what it does for us.
(18:30):
Um, but yes, phil, you know,first of all, I that was the
first time I'd actually heardthe story of Nicole, so I was a
little bit taken back.
Um, so when you talk about well, when Tanya talks about thesis
(18:50):
and your art, are you referringto your art show that's called a
step ahead of my tormented mind, or is that something different
?
And if that is somethingdifferent, would you like to
share a little bit more aboutthat?
Because I had a look at it andI'm absolutely in awe of your
art.
I think it's beautiful, um, andso expressive, but, yeah, so
(19:14):
please let us know, is it's, isit the same thing that Tanya's
talking about or was itsomething else?
Phil Bulone (19:20):
Yeah, it's relatively the same.
Most of the pieces that I hadmade for my thesis are in the
art show.
Now the thesis was a bit moreacademic, so there was more of a
methodical know, a methodical,clearly, you know a methodical
(19:42):
way of doing it, and not everypiece is up from.
My thesis is in the art showbecause I, you know, I focus on
qualitative research and so Idid a lot of like um, um, sort
of smaller pieces that then ledto a bigger piece.
So really, the what's in theworld of art therapy would be a
(20:04):
response art.
So I'd make, like I'd make apiece of art and then I would
respond to it.
So it kind of builds in itsmeaning.
So not all of that is in theshow.
The art show just sort of likethe final pieces, and then
there's a few others in the artshow that I had made after I had
graduated.
So it's not 100% the same.
(20:26):
My master's thesis in the artshow, but the master's thesis
basically was the inspirationfor the art show, and the art
show was showed in SoutheastFlorida at Mental Health America
and that's also where I work.
So yeah, I was honored for themto allow me to have it shown
(20:47):
there in one of their galleries.
Shireen Botha (20:49):
Yeah, your art is amazing.
Is there a place that peoplecan access it to go and actually
see it?
Do you have a link or anythingof the sort?
Phil Bulone (20:59):
Not yet, but I'm working on that.
Yeah, I'd like on that, yeah.
Shireen Botha (21:02):
I'd like to share that art, I mean it is
beautiful and it's veryexpressive and moving.
Phil Bulone (21:08):
Yeah.
Shireen Botha (21:11):
So tell us a little bit more about LOSS and
what LOSS does for the community.
Phil Bulone (21:18):
Yeah, so I'm very grateful to be a part of LAW.
So I guess, as I mentioned,local outreach to suicide
survivors and, in particular,suicide loss survivors.
So it's the only program of itskind that's funded in the state
of Florida.
But originally it was started acouple of about 30, 30 years
(21:39):
ago by a gentleman named DrFrank Campbell and he was a
social worker and you know, as Iunderstand, he had experienced
a suicide in his life when hewas younger and he had done some
research in the area and itshowed that, you know, as he
progressed in his career, he haddone some research and it
showed that for those who'vebeen left behind or lost a loved
(22:02):
one to suicide, it would takeabout four and a half years for
someone to reach out for helpand because of all the stigma
and all of the things around,the unique sort of experience we
actually say unique experienceof losing someone to suicide or
shortly after kind of like asalongside first responders to
(22:23):
help create connection anddeliver resources.
(22:46):
So a lot of I think a lot ofwhat sort of started out
grassroots were like incommunities where maybe they
didn't have a lot of access tomental health or access to like
services within law enforcement,finding um focused on, like
human services and things likethat, but um.
So I think that's how, why thatwas like really the need, and
(23:08):
then it started to grow.
But um, as it grew over thedecades, um, the, the l in in
local, really becomes important.
So each one of these teams, inwhatever county or jurisdiction
that you may reside in, are very, very different.
So, in Broward County, which isjust outside of Miami and
(23:30):
basically greater FortLauderdale, that's the county we
serve, and it's an urbanpopulation of about 2 million
people.
So we really work closely withlaw enforcement and their victim
advocates within the lawenforcement agency.
So, when they do get called outto a suicide, they'll work on
their protocols to help us getout there to be with the family
(23:54):
right away, and if not rightaway, then shortly after.
And we may do a lot of homevisits, but that's our primary
role is to connect with folksright away Rather than after.
And we may do a lot of homevisits, but that's our primary
role is to connect with folksright away, rather than four and
a half years matter of reallyminutes or hours or days.
To really, though, make thosethat have been left behind or
(24:17):
have had experience, you know,left behind or have had
experience alone to just show upand give them permission really
to talk about suicide, becauseeven you know, as a person who's
lost a loved one to suicide, itmight be the first time they
might even say the word suicideand it's such a hard word to
clearly even just enter yourmind, let alone speak.
So by us showing up, it justgives them permission.
(24:40):
Make them not feel alone, givethem a little bit sense of hope
because right now you know, atthat moment, clearly your world
has completely changed in somany profound ways and if you
could give a piece of advice tosomebody that has lost somebody
(25:01):
through suicide but does nothave a community or nonprofit
like Lost to reach out to.
Shireen Botha (25:10):
I'm hoping that now we've given the helpline to
someone like that in thatposition, but what is that piece
of advice that you would givethem right now, if they're
listening?
Phil Bulone (25:21):
Yeah, I mean clearly look to see if you have
a lost team in your area, morethan I won't, because it still
hasn't necessarily gained themomentum to be organized within
different areas.
So it's very again, sort ofgrassroots still, sort of
(25:43):
grassroots still.
But I would say, find ways toconnect with other survivors,
and the American Foundation forSuicide Prevention, or AFSPorg,
has on their website a linkwhere you could even just plug
in your zip code and it'll showyou where there will be some
support groups for suicide losssurvivors.
You know, whether they're peersupport groups or run by a
(26:03):
clinician, most are really peer.
That's really where the magiccomes from.
That's what I would say wouldbe like one of the first steps.
Clearly, getting help from atherapist one-on-one is
important.
What I've learned personally,as well as my observations of
others, you know meeting withyou know hundreds of survivors
(26:25):
in the last few years, you know,has been meeting with someone
else who's gone through asimilar experience.
That's really what helps themost.
Shireen Botha (26:34):
Tune in next week for part three of Friends from
Wild Places.
Voiceover (26:40):
You've been listening to Friends from Wild Places
with Shireen Botha.
Be sure to subscribe to thepodcast from the links to catch
every episode and unleash yourpassion.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.