February 9, 2023 • 20 mins
Steve welcomes Blaise to share their experience, strength, and hope with you, along with advice on getting and staying sober.
Thank you for listening. Please join our Patreon family for the post-show, along with more exclusive content at www.Patreon.com/gAyApodcast
Find Blaise on Instagram @iamblaserino and follow us while you are at it @gAyApodcast
If you are interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show, or just saying hi, please e-mail me at gayapodcast@gmail.com
Until next time, stay sober friends!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Steve (00:04):
Hi everyone, and welcome to Gay, a podcast about sobriety
for the LGBTQ plus community andour allies.
I'm your host, SteveBennet-martin, I am an alcoholic
and I am grateful for the coolerwinter weather.
As of this recording, I am 598days sober, and today we're
welcoming a guest to share theirexperience, wisdom, and hope
with you.
Welcome Blaze.
Blaise (00:24):
Hi.
How's it going?
Good.
Steve (00:26):
Why don't you start off by introducing yourself to the
listen.
Blaise (00:30):
Absolutely.
Hi, how's it going?
I'm Blaze.
I have been sober from drugs andalcohol for almost two years
this April.
I am the program director oftreatment center in
Massachusetts.
And I am so excited for thisopportunity to get to share on.
Steve (00:46):
Yeah.
Excellent.
And what are some of yourfavorite hobbies or things to do
in sobriety?
Blaise (00:52):
I love going out, meeting new people.
I like to travel, go todifferent places in my
addiction.
I was kind of like sheltered toMassachusetts for such a long.
So I love getting out and seeinglike more of the world.
I thought that Boston was theentire world fabric.
Steve (01:08):
Yeah, I can imagine.
And why don't we dive into alittle bit more of like what it
was like with your battle andjourney with alcohol and
addiction.
Blaise (01:17):
Absolutely.
So I grew up like most kids inNew England.
I had like a very normalchildhood.
I.
At a Friendly's ice cream.
And I remember when I wasworking there, these girls would
do these pills all the time.
And so I got into Oxycontin at avery young age.
I was about like 16 or 17, and Ididn't know what I was doing at
(01:41):
the time, but it slowly tookover me.
When I realized that I was likeaddicted to drugs, I was too
ashamed and afraid to tellanyone, so I kind of just kept
doing.
I was about like 21 or 22 beforeit really caught up to me, and
that's when I got into harderdrugs like heroin.
And at that time my parents,like their best idea was to send
(02:02):
me away.
I had like a real difficultrelationship with my parents
coming out and stuff like that.
They weren't super supportive.
So when they found out that notonly was I gay, but I was
addicted to heroin, their bestthought was to send me to a
rehab across the country.
I went to Las Vegas.
I was fresh out the closet, 21years old, and it was like the
(02:23):
best and the worst thing thatever happened to me.
I definitely found who I was andwas able to convince myself as a
gay man out there.
But at the same time, I foundwhat grew to be my drug of
choice, crystal meth, and thatchanged the trajectory of my
life for the rest of my.
I was out there for almost twoyears and while I was there I
(02:45):
definitely like found out whythey call it the city of sin.
I got into like a lot of seedythings and found different ways
to make money But it ended upwith me being like broke and
homeless in the desert.
I burnt all the bridges with thepeople I'd met.
I was probably like 115 pounds.
Being, being homeless in thedesert's, like a lot different
(03:07):
than being homeless in the city.
Mm-hmm.
there's not like as muchresources out there.
So I did what I did best.
I got like some old guy to buyme a plane ticket and I came
back to Massachusetts.
When I got back toMassachusetts, I thought it was
gonna be like, I don't know.
In my head, I remember being onthe plane thinking like I was
gonna come home and my familywas gonna see me and see how bad
(03:29):
I struggled and they were gonnabe like, come back in, we'll
take care of you.
And that couldn't be furtherfrom what happened.
I had gone out there like a,like nearly two years before and
I had like some weight on me andI just looked very different
than I did when I came back.
When I came back, I had bluehair.
I had.
Like septum ring.
(03:49):
I was like 115 pounds.
And like my mother just waslike, you can't, you can't come
back here.
So that like fed into thisnarrative I had in my head that
like no one cared about me.
And so when I got back toMassachusetts, I just like
started doing what I was doingup there.
And for the next five, sixyears, I was either getting
(04:11):
high.
in and out of detox in somesober house for a period of
time, or I was in jail.
I started getting arrested forstupid things and I could like
never go to court because Iwould be stuck in this
psychosis.
So I'd be too afraid to show up.
And eventually it caught up withme and I started having to do
time because of it.
(04:32):
I was in a really, really crazyabusive relat.
With someone I met while I washomeless who sold substances.
It was like a very physically,emotionally abusive
relationship.
And at that time in my life, Ihad nothing.
I had nobody and I thought thatthis person was gonna save me.
(04:52):
We were together for about threeand a half years, and
unfortunately, one of the, thelast time I was in jail, he
passed.
He had overdosed and it wasright before my birthday.
It was right.
It was March 1st, I remember.
And he just stopped answering myphone calls.
And so the next time I spoke tomy mother, she had told me that
(05:14):
his mother came up from RhodeIsland and told her that some
state troopers had found a JohnDoe with their son's
fingerprints.
And my whole world fell apart.
Wanted to be Romeo and Juliet.
Like I wanted to be like Bonnieand Clyde.
And the thing was, is that theyboth died, right?
And like, I'm stuck.
I'm still here.
(05:35):
Like, what a cruel world.
God hates me.
Everything sucks.
And I just didn't know what todo.
So that started my last run withnarcotics.
I was out on the street forlike, probably like a month, a
month and a half, and.
I don't know.
I was out there, I was alone andit was just different.
(05:56):
And I wound up arrested back injail.
And I didn't know what to do.
I was like stuck.
Like I used all my best thinkingto get there and I had nothing
left.
And I was tired and I wasdepressed and I was alone.
And I ended up getting into somesober house and.
(06:17):
when I got outta jail that time.
So I did six months and I gotout of jail in August of 2019.
And I went to this community inMassachusetts where there was
like a bunch of sober houses inaround the area.
There was a ton of young kidsand Alcoholics Anonymous and I
thought that I knew about itcause I'd been to places before.
(06:38):
And I thought that like, I justwas like, this isn't gonna work
for me.
This won't work for me.
I've tried it, I've done this,I've done that.
And it was kind of like, youhave to do this.
You have to go to thesemeetings.
And so I started going and oneof the fresh meetings I was at,
I met this girl and she more orless told me that she was gonna
(06:59):
sponsor me and told me she wasgonna bring me through the work.
And I was just like, I think Iwas in like that moment of
desperation where I was willingto grab onto anything.
And I was like, sure, if you gotan answer then try it cuz
nothing else works.
And that woman saves my life, Iremember being at a, like the
first time I saw her at thismeeting, she said, welcome home.
And like in my head I was like,this is a cult.
(07:21):
This is a cult.
This is a cult.
And.
she told me to, she told me tostop praying and like that, like
went across my ass sideways.
I was like, I don't believe inGod, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And she asked me like, all thesetimes you've been arrested.
Do you pray?
Like, do you ever pray to getout of it?
And I grew up Catholic.
So as a habit, like I would praythe rosary, I would do it all
(07:42):
the time.
She goes, wow, what, what anamazing testament of faith to
pray to God you don't believein.
And I was like, oh, she's, she'sgot me, right?
Like I do, I do this.
but I didn't know what myrelationship with it was gonna
be.
And I'm just happy that I didn'tcompletely count it out.
So I started praying.
I started going through the workand something happened.
(08:06):
Something amazing happenedbecause from like this pitiful,
hopeless, morally bankruptperson, person grew into like
this man who carried himselfwith like dignity and.
And for me, in my act ofaddiction, like dignity and
respect wasn't a way I'd everused to describe myself.
I was pathetic.
(08:26):
I was hopeless.
I was disgusting.
And like I had no self-respect.
I had no self-esteem and I hadno morals.
Every line in the sand I'dcrossed it.
I thought there was really gonnabe no hope for me.
And so I got in.
After getting into the work, I'dsay that.
I just kept going with it and Imet like this community of
(08:47):
people and I started makingplatonic relationships with
people and that was somethingthat I wasn't used to, although
my relationships in my past werevery transactional and having
people who just wanted mycompany that like really helped
me gain a sense of self and gaina sense of self-esteem.
So I went through that and likeI start in the sober house.
(09:10):
I started like managing thesober house and that got me, got
into my head that like, maybe Iwanna work in treatment, maybe
this is what I want to do.
But at the time I wasn't sureabout it.
So I actually like, believe itor not, I started doing
construction.
I worked as a laborer for aconstruction group for a while,
and that was really importantfor me too because I did
something completely out of thebox for me, something completely
(09:33):
outta my comfort zone.
And I did it and I.
Didn't just give up when thingsgot hard.
I used to have this model like,don't be a little bitch.
That's what I used to say tomyself.
Every day we'd be demolitioninghouses and we'd be like ripping
apart like all this stuff andI'd have to like carry a toilet,
like all the way to thisdumpster.
(09:53):
And like in my head I justwanted to be like, Ew, this is
gross.
I'm not gonna do it.
But I would like have this thingin the back of my head like,
don't be a little bitch, just doit.
And that kind of becamesomething that I would tell
myself over and over.
because I remember being in likea, being in a meeting at that
sober house and I was just soraw and so sensitive, and the
(10:15):
guys told me like, they sat medown and they were like, what
you need is to man the fuck up.
And I was like, that'shomophobic.
You can't say that to me.
And they're like, no, we're nothomophobic.
You're just being a pussy.
You need to man the fuck up andstop being a little bitch
because no one's gonna do lifefor.
there's a whole world out therefor people who take it.
(10:36):
And if you don't go out thereand take it, nothing's ever
gonna happen for you.
And that, that was like such animportant, that one little
moment that like seemed soinsignificant back then is
something I go back to all thetime today.
So just to speed it up I startedworking in treatment.
I started working in recovery.
And it was good.
And everything was like goinggreat and.
(11:00):
I think I started gettingcomplacent.
My ego started getting reallybig, really outta control.
And in April of 21 I went onvacation and I drank.
And unfortunately I'm one ofthose people who like can't
consume substances withoutgetting arrested.
So I went out, I drank one nightand I was belligerent and I got
arrested in middle estate.
(11:21):
And I thought it was all over.
And I remember sitting in thatjail cell just like, it was like
deja vu.
Like, I was like, no.
And like all these bad thoughtswere coming in, like, this is
what you deserve.
This is who you are.
You're a loser.
You're a loser.
And I just thought to myself, ifI can get out of this, I'm not
gonna mess this up this time.
I swear I will not mess this up.
(11:42):
So I came back and I.
just started working my ass off.
I didn't do what I always dobecause every time I was faced
with adversity or there was achallenge in my life before I
just throw a grenade at it andwatch everything burn around me
and say, okay, I don't need thatanyways.
I love to burn bridges.
You know, in my active use Imade so many enemies and burn so
(12:03):
many bridges cause I couldn'tdeal with the things I'd done.
And this time I didn't do.
I drove right back into thework.
I started working even harder atthe place that I was working.
And that job that I started outat, like a very entry level
position in two years time Ibecame the program director
there.
And I get to help addicts andalcoholics every day, and it's
(12:25):
been such a beautiful experiencein my life because, when I doubt
if things are going right forme.
I see these people who get toexperience sobriety for the
first time and I get to see thembe proud of themselves.
And like there's something aboutthat first year of recovery when
everything's shiny and you're soexcited about it.
(12:45):
And I get to see like that joyin people's eyes.
And then I look at myself and Ilook at what I'm doing because
like, this wasn't in the cos forme.
This is all a bonus round forme.
I'll have two official years inApril of this year, and I'm very
proud of myself for that becauseI always gave up and like the
(13:07):
facts that I didn't letsomething just take over and
ruin me.
Shows like how much things havechanged in my life.
So it's a beautiful thing andlike I get to, so at that
treatment center I work like wereally try to do it for the
LGBTQ community.
We try to be like allies andsupporters and being able to
(13:28):
have a company listen to myopinion and let me do my own
thing with it is a beau like isa crazy thing to me.
It's a miracle.
Sometimes I wonder like, arethese people crazy?
But like I see all the peoplethat I get to help and it lets
me know that like everythingthat happened, all that needed
to happen so I can be where I amnow.
(13:49):
So, That's really all, that'sreally my story.
Steve (13:53):
Yeah.
Oh, thank you so much for beingso vulnerable with us.
Yeah, absolutely.
And with all that being said,what are some of your favorite
parts of sobriety and recovery?
Blaise (14:03):
So I'd have to say that like my favorite part of being
sober.
is getting to experience thingsthat I had, like experiencing
things for the first time, butthat I had done when I was
getting high because being ableto be present for certain
moments.
I don't know how to explain it,but like little things like
(14:24):
holidays and stuff like that.
I had used to be, I would bethere, but.
I wouldn't actually be presentfor it.
And being able to show up forpeople and being able to have
people rely on me, that has tobe my favorite thing.
Steve (14:40):
Yeah, that's awesome.
And looking back, how do youfeel your sexuality played a
role in your addiction?
Blaise (14:47):
So I'd say that my sexuality is, was the reason for
my addiction at one point,because that's how I started
getting.
The drugs and stuff.
I was in the closet.
I didn't come out till I was 22.
I had a ton of internalizedhomophobia.
I hated myself and substancesallowed me to be this other
person.
(15:08):
And then when I came out,substances allowed me to be this
characterization of what a gayman was because I wanted to be
loud and obnoxious andostentatious, and substances
allowed all that to happen.
and because I hadn't like reallycome to terms with who I was and
I had all this internalizedhomophobia, that's really what
(15:28):
kept me high for such a longperiod of time.
Steve (15:31):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And on the flip side of that,like how has that changed in,
how has it been navigating thegay community sober?
Blaise (15:40):
So I'd say that in the beginning I felt like it was
like this huge struggle becausethe community that I had, in my
active addiction was like thissubculture, right?
Like, and like the tweakercommunity is very different than
normal society in general.
So when I had first got sober, Ikind of stuck around
(16:05):
heterosexual people a lot, and Ithink I needed to do that at
first so that I could like buildplatonic relationships with
friends and learn how to carrymyself like a human being
instead of just an object.
I'd say that the gay communityin Boston, definitely like when
I was going through rough timesthat I went to gay meetings and
(16:27):
like I felt like I was home andI felt like I didn't have to
explain myself about everything.
And there's been times that likethose men have got me through.
So I'm super grateful for it.
That's
Steve (16:38):
excellent.
And what are some practices thatyou use in your daily life to
help keep you.
Blaise (16:45):
So I'd say that I try to use meditation a lot.
I get, I have a job that can bevery stressful at times and just
taking moments to like breatheand center myself.
and try to reset my day is veryimportant because I used to be
the type of person who flew offthe handle all the time and when
(17:06):
like dealing with people who areso early in recovery, I have to
like remember what it was like.
Steve (17:13):
Yeah.
And especially being that youwork with so many people in
early recovery, what's a pieceor two of advice you find
yourself giving over and overagain that you really.
Blaise (17:22):
I'd have to say that it's just not that deep.
Like it's just not that deep.
That's something I say all thetime because the things that
used to stress me out in realityjust weren't that important.
I would think that the world wasending over a hangnail and not
to take yourself too seriously.
Like this is life and like youshould be experiencing it and
(17:44):
having fun.
There's, if I got sober and wasmiserable the entire time, I
would've just gone back togetting high.
Yeah,
Steve (17:52):
for sure.
And do you have any favoritemantras or quotes in addition to
that, that you like to live by?
Or famous words?
Blaise (17:59):
So fam, something that I like to live by is Fortune
Favors the Bold.
Mm-hmm.
because getting so, so, like,especially once I got sober, I
had all this social anxiety thatI didn't know what to do with.
And I remember like seeingfortune favors the bold.
(18:20):
It was like something I used to,I used to draw all the time and
it was something I would draw onthings all the time, but I never
really like, Thought about it.
And then like, when I startedputting myself out there and
like pushing myself throughthese, through this anxiety and
in these uncomfortablesituations opportunities started
opening up for me.
And I went from being somebodywho was like unhireable to like
(18:42):
building a career out of it.
But it all came from likepushing myself and making these
grand statements.
Yeah.
Steve (18:49):
Excellent.
Well said.
I like that.
And any last words of wisdom oradvice for our listeners?
Blaise (18:56):
I would just say to anybody who's struggling with
getting sober or even thinkingabout it, if it's something that
you think that you have to tryto control, it's already by
definition, out of control.
So just like give yourself thetime and opportunity.
But remember that.
You can't get sober by osmosis.
(19:18):
It's a process.
It takes action and it takestime.
But if you give yourself thistime, you'll have a beautiful
life at the end of it.
Steve (19:27):
That is a beautiful note to end on.
Thank you so much.
So why don't you share with thelisteners where they can find
you and where you work?
Blaise (19:35):
So I work for Greater Boston Addiction Centers.
We are G B A C underscore onTikTok and underscore G B A C on
Instagram.
You can find me on Instagram atIm bla reno, b l a s e r i n o.
Steve (19:51):
Excellent.
I will put those in the shownotes so you can just click on
over.
Thank you so much bla stickaround cuz we'll have the post
show.
But in the meantime it was greatgetting to know you.
Blaise (20:01):
Thank you so much.
This was amazing.
Steve (20:03):
Yes.
And thank you listeners fortuning into another episode of
Gay a.
Feel free to head on over to thePaton page and join the family
today for this exclusive postshow episode we're about to
record as well as new ones everyepisode.
And if you're interested insharing your story, you can find
me on Instagram at gay podcast,or email me@gaypodcastgmail.com.
(20:26):
Until next time, stay soberfriends.
Hi everyone, and welcome to Gay, a podcast about sobriety
for the LGBTQ plus community andour allies.
I'm your host, SteveBennet-martin, I am an alcoholic
and I am grateful for the coolerwinter weather.
As of this recording, I am 598days sober, and today we're
welcoming a guest to share theirexperience, wisdom, and hope
with you.
Welcome Blaze.
Blaise (00:24):
Hi.
How's it going?
Good.
Steve (00:26):
Why don't you start off by introducing yourself to the
listen.
Blaise (00:30):
Absolutely.
Hi, how's it going?
I'm Blaze.
I have been sober from drugs andalcohol for almost two years
this April.
I am the program director oftreatment center in
Massachusetts.
And I am so excited for thisopportunity to get to share on.
Steve (00:46):
Yeah.
Excellent.
And what are some of yourfavorite hobbies or things to do
in sobriety?
Blaise (00:52):
I love going out, meeting new people.
I like to travel, go todifferent places in my
addiction.
I was kind of like sheltered toMassachusetts for such a long.
So I love getting out and seeinglike more of the world.
I thought that Boston was theentire world fabric.
Steve (01:08):
Yeah, I can imagine.
And why don't we dive into alittle bit more of like what it
was like with your battle andjourney with alcohol and
addiction.
Blaise (01:17):
Absolutely.
So I grew up like most kids inNew England.
I had like a very normalchildhood.
I.
At a Friendly's ice cream.
And I remember when I wasworking there, these girls would
do these pills all the time.
And so I got into Oxycontin at avery young age.
I was about like 16 or 17, and Ididn't know what I was doing at
(01:41):
the time, but it slowly tookover me.
When I realized that I was likeaddicted to drugs, I was too
ashamed and afraid to tellanyone, so I kind of just kept
doing.
I was about like 21 or 22 beforeit really caught up to me, and
that's when I got into harderdrugs like heroin.
And at that time my parents,like their best idea was to send
(02:02):
me away.
I had like a real difficultrelationship with my parents
coming out and stuff like that.
They weren't super supportive.
So when they found out that notonly was I gay, but I was
addicted to heroin, their bestthought was to send me to a
rehab across the country.
I went to Las Vegas.
I was fresh out the closet, 21years old, and it was like the
(02:23):
best and the worst thing thatever happened to me.
I definitely found who I was andwas able to convince myself as a
gay man out there.
But at the same time, I foundwhat grew to be my drug of
choice, crystal meth, and thatchanged the trajectory of my
life for the rest of my.
I was out there for almost twoyears and while I was there I
(02:45):
definitely like found out whythey call it the city of sin.
I got into like a lot of seedythings and found different ways
to make money But it ended upwith me being like broke and
homeless in the desert.
I burnt all the bridges with thepeople I'd met.
I was probably like 115 pounds.
Being, being homeless in thedesert's, like a lot different
(03:07):
than being homeless in the city.
Mm-hmm.
there's not like as muchresources out there.
So I did what I did best.
I got like some old guy to buyme a plane ticket and I came
back to Massachusetts.
When I got back toMassachusetts, I thought it was
gonna be like, I don't know.
In my head, I remember being onthe plane thinking like I was
gonna come home and my familywas gonna see me and see how bad
(03:29):
I struggled and they were gonnabe like, come back in, we'll
take care of you.
And that couldn't be furtherfrom what happened.
I had gone out there like a,like nearly two years before and
I had like some weight on me andI just looked very different
than I did when I came back.
When I came back, I had bluehair.
I had.
Like septum ring.
(03:49):
I was like 115 pounds.
And like my mother just waslike, you can't, you can't come
back here.
So that like fed into thisnarrative I had in my head that
like no one cared about me.
And so when I got back toMassachusetts, I just like
started doing what I was doingup there.
And for the next five, sixyears, I was either getting
(04:11):
high.
in and out of detox in somesober house for a period of
time, or I was in jail.
I started getting arrested forstupid things and I could like
never go to court because Iwould be stuck in this
psychosis.
So I'd be too afraid to show up.
And eventually it caught up withme and I started having to do
time because of it.
(04:32):
I was in a really, really crazyabusive relat.
With someone I met while I washomeless who sold substances.
It was like a very physically,emotionally abusive
relationship.
And at that time in my life, Ihad nothing.
I had nobody and I thought thatthis person was gonna save me.
(04:52):
We were together for about threeand a half years, and
unfortunately, one of the, thelast time I was in jail, he
passed.
He had overdosed and it wasright before my birthday.
It was right.
It was March 1st, I remember.
And he just stopped answering myphone calls.
And so the next time I spoke tomy mother, she had told me that
(05:14):
his mother came up from RhodeIsland and told her that some
state troopers had found a JohnDoe with their son's
fingerprints.
And my whole world fell apart.
Wanted to be Romeo and Juliet.
Like I wanted to be like Bonnieand Clyde.
And the thing was, is that theyboth died, right?
And like, I'm stuck.
I'm still here.
(05:35):
Like, what a cruel world.
God hates me.
Everything sucks.
And I just didn't know what todo.
So that started my last run withnarcotics.
I was out on the street forlike, probably like a month, a
month and a half, and.
I don't know.
I was out there, I was alone andit was just different.
(05:56):
And I wound up arrested back injail.
And I didn't know what to do.
I was like stuck.
Like I used all my best thinkingto get there and I had nothing
left.
And I was tired and I wasdepressed and I was alone.
And I ended up getting into somesober house and.
(06:17):
when I got outta jail that time.
So I did six months and I gotout of jail in August of 2019.
And I went to this community inMassachusetts where there was
like a bunch of sober houses inaround the area.
There was a ton of young kidsand Alcoholics Anonymous and I
thought that I knew about itcause I'd been to places before.
(06:38):
And I thought that like, I justwas like, this isn't gonna work
for me.
This won't work for me.
I've tried it, I've done this,I've done that.
And it was kind of like, youhave to do this.
You have to go to thesemeetings.
And so I started going and oneof the fresh meetings I was at,
I met this girl and she more orless told me that she was gonna
(06:59):
sponsor me and told me she wasgonna bring me through the work.
And I was just like, I think Iwas in like that moment of
desperation where I was willingto grab onto anything.
And I was like, sure, if you gotan answer then try it cuz
nothing else works.
And that woman saves my life, Iremember being at a, like the
first time I saw her at thismeeting, she said, welcome home.
And like in my head I was like,this is a cult.
(07:21):
This is a cult.
This is a cult.
And.
she told me to, she told me tostop praying and like that, like
went across my ass sideways.
I was like, I don't believe inGod, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And she asked me like, all thesetimes you've been arrested.
Do you pray?
Like, do you ever pray to getout of it?
And I grew up Catholic.
So as a habit, like I would praythe rosary, I would do it all
(07:42):
the time.
She goes, wow, what, what anamazing testament of faith to
pray to God you don't believein.
And I was like, oh, she's, she'sgot me, right?
Like I do, I do this.
but I didn't know what myrelationship with it was gonna
be.
And I'm just happy that I didn'tcompletely count it out.
So I started praying.
I started going through the workand something happened.
(08:06):
Something amazing happenedbecause from like this pitiful,
hopeless, morally bankruptperson, person grew into like
this man who carried himselfwith like dignity and.
And for me, in my act ofaddiction, like dignity and
respect wasn't a way I'd everused to describe myself.
I was pathetic.
(08:26):
I was hopeless.
I was disgusting.
And like I had no self-respect.
I had no self-esteem and I hadno morals.
Every line in the sand I'dcrossed it.
I thought there was really gonnabe no hope for me.
And so I got in.
After getting into the work, I'dsay that.
I just kept going with it and Imet like this community of
(08:47):
people and I started makingplatonic relationships with
people and that was somethingthat I wasn't used to, although
my relationships in my past werevery transactional and having
people who just wanted mycompany that like really helped
me gain a sense of self and gaina sense of self-esteem.
So I went through that and likeI start in the sober house.
(09:10):
I started like managing thesober house and that got me, got
into my head that like, maybe Iwanna work in treatment, maybe
this is what I want to do.
But at the time I wasn't sureabout it.
So I actually like, believe itor not, I started doing
construction.
I worked as a laborer for aconstruction group for a while,
and that was really importantfor me too because I did
something completely out of thebox for me, something completely
(09:33):
outta my comfort zone.
And I did it and I.
Didn't just give up when thingsgot hard.
I used to have this model like,don't be a little bitch.
That's what I used to say tomyself.
Every day we'd be demolitioninghouses and we'd be like ripping
apart like all this stuff andI'd have to like carry a toilet,
like all the way to thisdumpster.
(09:53):
And like in my head I justwanted to be like, Ew, this is
gross.
I'm not gonna do it.
But I would like have this thingin the back of my head like,
don't be a little bitch, just doit.
And that kind of becamesomething that I would tell
myself over and over.
because I remember being in likea, being in a meeting at that
sober house and I was just soraw and so sensitive, and the
(10:15):
guys told me like, they sat medown and they were like, what
you need is to man the fuck up.
And I was like, that'shomophobic.
You can't say that to me.
And they're like, no, we're nothomophobic.
You're just being a pussy.
You need to man the fuck up andstop being a little bitch
because no one's gonna do lifefor.
there's a whole world out therefor people who take it.
(10:36):
And if you don't go out thereand take it, nothing's ever
gonna happen for you.
And that, that was like such animportant, that one little
moment that like seemed soinsignificant back then is
something I go back to all thetime today.
So just to speed it up I startedworking in treatment.
I started working in recovery.
And it was good.
And everything was like goinggreat and.
(11:00):
I think I started gettingcomplacent.
My ego started getting reallybig, really outta control.
And in April of 21 I went onvacation and I drank.
And unfortunately I'm one ofthose people who like can't
consume substances withoutgetting arrested.
So I went out, I drank one nightand I was belligerent and I got
arrested in middle estate.
(11:21):
And I thought it was all over.
And I remember sitting in thatjail cell just like, it was like
deja vu.
Like, I was like, no.
And like all these bad thoughtswere coming in, like, this is
what you deserve.
This is who you are.
You're a loser.
You're a loser.
And I just thought to myself, ifI can get out of this, I'm not
gonna mess this up this time.
I swear I will not mess this up.
(11:42):
So I came back and I.
just started working my ass off.
I didn't do what I always dobecause every time I was faced
with adversity or there was achallenge in my life before I
just throw a grenade at it andwatch everything burn around me
and say, okay, I don't need thatanyways.
I love to burn bridges.
You know, in my active use Imade so many enemies and burn so
(12:03):
many bridges cause I couldn'tdeal with the things I'd done.
And this time I didn't do.
I drove right back into thework.
I started working even harder atthe place that I was working.
And that job that I started outat, like a very entry level
position in two years time Ibecame the program director
there.
And I get to help addicts andalcoholics every day, and it's
(12:25):
been such a beautiful experiencein my life because, when I doubt
if things are going right forme.
I see these people who get toexperience sobriety for the
first time and I get to see thembe proud of themselves.
And like there's something aboutthat first year of recovery when
everything's shiny and you're soexcited about it.
(12:45):
And I get to see like that joyin people's eyes.
And then I look at myself and Ilook at what I'm doing because
like, this wasn't in the cos forme.
This is all a bonus round forme.
I'll have two official years inApril of this year, and I'm very
proud of myself for that becauseI always gave up and like the
(13:07):
facts that I didn't letsomething just take over and
ruin me.
Shows like how much things havechanged in my life.
So it's a beautiful thing andlike I get to, so at that
treatment center I work like wereally try to do it for the
LGBTQ community.
We try to be like allies andsupporters and being able to
(13:28):
have a company listen to myopinion and let me do my own
thing with it is a beau like isa crazy thing to me.
It's a miracle.
Sometimes I wonder like, arethese people crazy?
But like I see all the peoplethat I get to help and it lets
me know that like everythingthat happened, all that needed
to happen so I can be where I amnow.
(13:49):
So, That's really all, that'sreally my story.
Steve (13:53):
Yeah.
Oh, thank you so much for beingso vulnerable with us.
Yeah, absolutely.
And with all that being said,what are some of your favorite
parts of sobriety and recovery?
Blaise (14:03):
So I'd have to say that like my favorite part of being
sober.
is getting to experience thingsthat I had, like experiencing
things for the first time, butthat I had done when I was
getting high because being ableto be present for certain
moments.
I don't know how to explain it,but like little things like
(14:24):
holidays and stuff like that.
I had used to be, I would bethere, but.
I wouldn't actually be presentfor it.
And being able to show up forpeople and being able to have
people rely on me, that has tobe my favorite thing.
Steve (14:40):
Yeah, that's awesome.
And looking back, how do youfeel your sexuality played a
role in your addiction?
Blaise (14:47):
So I'd say that my sexuality is, was the reason for
my addiction at one point,because that's how I started
getting.
The drugs and stuff.
I was in the closet.
I didn't come out till I was 22.
I had a ton of internalizedhomophobia.
I hated myself and substancesallowed me to be this other
person.
(15:08):
And then when I came out,substances allowed me to be this
characterization of what a gayman was because I wanted to be
loud and obnoxious andostentatious, and substances
allowed all that to happen.
and because I hadn't like reallycome to terms with who I was and
I had all this internalizedhomophobia, that's really what
(15:28):
kept me high for such a longperiod of time.
Steve (15:31):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And on the flip side of that,like how has that changed in,
how has it been navigating thegay community sober?
Blaise (15:40):
So I'd say that in the beginning I felt like it was
like this huge struggle becausethe community that I had, in my
active addiction was like thissubculture, right?
Like, and like the tweakercommunity is very different than
normal society in general.
So when I had first got sober, Ikind of stuck around
(16:05):
heterosexual people a lot, and Ithink I needed to do that at
first so that I could like buildplatonic relationships with
friends and learn how to carrymyself like a human being
instead of just an object.
I'd say that the gay communityin Boston, definitely like when
I was going through rough timesthat I went to gay meetings and
(16:27):
like I felt like I was home andI felt like I didn't have to
explain myself about everything.
And there's been times that likethose men have got me through.
So I'm super grateful for it.
That's
Steve (16:38):
excellent.
And what are some practices thatyou use in your daily life to
help keep you.
Blaise (16:45):
So I'd say that I try to use meditation a lot.
I get, I have a job that can bevery stressful at times and just
taking moments to like breatheand center myself.
and try to reset my day is veryimportant because I used to be
the type of person who flew offthe handle all the time and when
(17:06):
like dealing with people who areso early in recovery, I have to
like remember what it was like.
Steve (17:13):
Yeah.
And especially being that youwork with so many people in
early recovery, what's a pieceor two of advice you find
yourself giving over and overagain that you really.
Blaise (17:22):
I'd have to say that it's just not that deep.
Like it's just not that deep.
That's something I say all thetime because the things that
used to stress me out in realityjust weren't that important.
I would think that the world wasending over a hangnail and not
to take yourself too seriously.
Like this is life and like youshould be experiencing it and
(17:44):
having fun.
There's, if I got sober and wasmiserable the entire time, I
would've just gone back togetting high.
Yeah,
Steve (17:52):
for sure.
And do you have any favoritemantras or quotes in addition to
that, that you like to live by?
Or famous words?
Blaise (17:59):
So fam, something that I like to live by is Fortune
Favors the Bold.
Mm-hmm.
because getting so, so, like,especially once I got sober, I
had all this social anxiety thatI didn't know what to do with.
And I remember like seeingfortune favors the bold.
(18:20):
It was like something I used to,I used to draw all the time and
it was something I would draw onthings all the time, but I never
really like, Thought about it.
And then like, when I startedputting myself out there and
like pushing myself throughthese, through this anxiety and
in these uncomfortablesituations opportunities started
opening up for me.
And I went from being somebodywho was like unhireable to like
(18:42):
building a career out of it.
But it all came from likepushing myself and making these
grand statements.
Yeah.
Steve (18:49):
Excellent.
Well said.
I like that.
And any last words of wisdom oradvice for our listeners?
Blaise (18:56):
I would just say to anybody who's struggling with
getting sober or even thinkingabout it, if it's something that
you think that you have to tryto control, it's already by
definition, out of control.
So just like give yourself thetime and opportunity.
But remember that.
You can't get sober by osmosis.
(19:18):
It's a process.
It takes action and it takestime.
But if you give yourself thistime, you'll have a beautiful
life at the end of it.
Steve (19:27):
That is a beautiful note to end on.
Thank you so much.
So why don't you share with thelisteners where they can find
you and where you work?
Blaise (19:35):
So I work for Greater Boston Addiction Centers.
We are G B A C underscore onTikTok and underscore G B A C on
Instagram.
You can find me on Instagram atIm bla reno, b l a s e r i n o.
Steve (19:51):
Excellent.
I will put those in the shownotes so you can just click on
over.
Thank you so much bla stickaround cuz we'll have the post
show.
But in the meantime it was greatgetting to know you.
Blaise (20:01):
Thank you so much.
This was amazing.
Steve (20:03):
Yes.
And thank you listeners fortuning into another episode of
Gay a.
Feel free to head on over to thePaton page and join the family
today for this exclusive postshow episode we're about to
record as well as new ones everyepisode.
And if you're interested insharing your story, you can find
me on Instagram at gay podcast,or email me@gaypodcastgmail.com.
(20:26):
Until next time, stay soberfriends.
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