May 18, 2023 • 19 mins
Steve welcomes back friend of the podcast, J9, to discuss making music and connecting with your creative side in recovery.
For more J9, follow them on IG @j9grooves - and follow us while you are at it @gayapodcast
Check out our Post-Show to hear us talk about how making friends and connections in recovery at www.patreon.com/gayapodcast
Until next time, stay sober friends!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Steve (00:03):
Hi everyone and welcome to Gay a, a podcast about
sobriety for the LGBT pluscommunity and our allies.
I'm your host, Steve Bennett.
Martin, I am an alcoholic and Iam grateful for the creative
streak I'm learning.
I have in recovery as of thisrecording.
I am 636 days sober, and todaywe're welcoming back friend of
the Pod Jane nine, to talk aboutmaking music in recovery.
(00:26):
Thanks for coming back.
Welcome.
J9 (00:28):
thanks so much for having me back.
Yeah,
Steve (00:32):
I'm excited to catch up.
Since, as we were saying before,it's been about a year since
your last episode.
What, what's been the last yearbeen like?
J9 (00:41):
The last year has been Yeah, pretty up and down.
But I've been making music,keeping creative getting used to
small town living.
Mm-hmm.
has been a bit of a challengeafter being in a city like
Toronto for 20 years, but Ithink I'm getting the hang of
(01:01):
it.
Even more exciting as I actuallystarted flight school in
September.
So I'm learning how to flyairplane.
and make music so I can be anyhappier really.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
Steve (01:15):
Yeah.
And why, out of talking aboutanything in the world, you
talked about making music.
J9 (01:22):
I mean, it has been there's been some, some struggling
around it.
I won't lie.
As a, as a sober person.
Having moved away from the cityand trying to just kind of like
keep in it an inch towards likesocializing in the music scene
(01:47):
still, but like from far awayand not being able to like show
up every week and just get thehang of it.
I mean, I hate to say, well, nothate to say, but part of the
reason I, I did move out to themiddle of nowhere was kind of.
when things started opening upduring pandemic, I was about a
(02:08):
year sober.
And I don't know, I was justafraid, actually.
I was afraid that wheneverything started opening up
for the summer, that I don'tknow, I just kind of wanted to
take myself out of a city that'sknown for, for social drinking.
Mm-hmm.
and give myself more time andspace before.
So yeah, music because.
(02:31):
it's my hobby, it's my passion.
Aside from work and school, I'mmaking music.
And it has been a little bit ofa challenge to feel still part
of a scene that I very much wasa part of the whole time I lived
in Toronto.
Yeah.
So it's just very different now.
Very different.
Little bit of a challenge, butit's, it's, it's still going
(02:54):
good.
It's going.
But yeah, I thought maybe maybeI could share some of my insight
with your listeners and whoknows?
Maybe someone can chime in withsome advice to me.
Steve (03:05):
Yes.
Sounds good.
I know that, I mean, I thinkjust in general, it's beautiful
finding creativity and recoveryespecially, but I've never been
much of a musical person.
I've learned I'm creative inother ways.
Just making music is not one ofthem.
But What was your firstexperience like maybe as like a
child or young adult where youremember making music?
J9 (03:26):
I've been, I mean, I was playing around on a keyboard at
the age of what, like two orthree.
And then I think by six yearsold I was put in piano lessons.
I started just playing songsthat I liked by ear.
I guess I don't really makemusic until.
I mean, I'm gonna say I actuallylike composed my, my, my own
(03:48):
first piano piece when I was inhigh school, like 15, 16, maybe
years old.
But I do remember we have totake the French class here in
Canada and I did in elementaryschool make a French rap as one
of my assignments.
So I put, yeah, I, with thecassette tape, I put a beat
(04:09):
together, I wrapped on top ofit.
I don't know how to rap but thatwas a lot of fun.
And you know what?
It kind of blew the teacheraway.
I remember that.
She was like super impressed bythe creative, you know,
motivation behind it.
So yeah, I mean, and then Ihaven't really been making music
until more of my adult.
(04:31):
Like aside from those two littlethings, I've always like played
other people's music.
Mm-hmm.
So I, I think that to me that'sdifferent than making music.
Yeah.
And I definitely didn't reallystart getting more into that
until.
Probably in my early twenties,but for the most part, I've
played other people's music andbeen in bands and only over the
past several years now have Ireally wanted to focus on making
(04:53):
my own music.
Yeah.
But yeah, I would say the Frenchwrap
Steve (04:57):
That's awesome.
And how would you say your, yourdrinking and use affected your
ability and your relationshipwith music?
J9 (05:08):
Yeah, I I was a pretty good kid.
I know a lot of I had, I hadfriends in high school that were
like drinking and smoking and,and doing drugs and stuff, but I
honestly didn't until I lefthigh school and started college.
So, I mean, playing musicalthrough high school was just
(05:29):
normal.
It was, you know, my peers band.
But yeah, once I went tocollege, started drinking and
got my first band, I remember itwas a real gamble.
You know, it was prettytraditional to want to take like
a shot of whiskey before goingon stage, and hopefully hadn't
(05:51):
drank, drank much before then.
But yeah, sometimes for whateverreason you go on late and, you
know, get carried away.
Keep track and I used to fumblearound quite a bit on the
keyboard during some of theshows, and, and I, I remember
feeling very embarrassed aftersome of'em.
And, and like it was becoming aproblem with playing music.
(06:13):
On the other hand, I'm sureyou'd talked to a lot of
creative people in general that,I mean, before they, they go
sober.
Might even say that.
Drinking or like smoking mayhave got them into the creative
space faster and they thinklike, yeah, it really helps me.
(06:34):
But I can tell you after beingsober for long enough, it helps
you more to not drink than todrink
Steve (06:43):
Yeah.
I used to tell'em like, that wasthe narrative I told myself like
all the time for like writingpodcast episodes cuz like I was
podcasting before I got sober.
It's not like I was drunkworking on these but like I
remember I'd be like, yeah, I'mgonna like research my movies
for my pop culture podcast whileI'm having a.
Glass, which was a bottle ofwine and like I'll just knock
through like three outlines.
(07:04):
And of course like I rarely gotone done and it was like
incomplete or sloppy.
And yeah, it definitely was anarrative.
I told myself that it was likeeasier to be creative or make
things when I was drinking, butit wasn't.
True.
J9 (07:17):
No, it's really common.
I hear a lot of people, I'vealways heard a lot of people say
that, and it's just, it's like amyth almost, I would say.
Mm-hmm.
but I can't tell you also the,the number of times I woke up
the next morning and like wouldopen up the song I was editing
the night before and I'm like,what the fuck did I do?
Yeah.
Like, no saving this.
I don't, I don't know what I didbut.
(07:41):
you're right.
And
Steve (07:42):
then what was it, what was your relationship with music
like, especially during, like,at first counting days and when
you first got sober?
J9 (07:49):
Well, I would, I would kind of start that with for me when I
finally like really stuck tobeing sober.
Like it was right at the startof the pandemic.
So like I'm very proud ofmyself.
I'm coming up on my third yearon March 1st, and, but that did
(08:12):
kind of put me in a uniquesituation because I think, you
know, I was in a small bachelorapartment right downtown
Toronto, and yeah, I reallyleaned on music as like, One of
the only things that make mefeel grounded and sane and, and
not so alone.
Like, I'm sure most people goingthrough a breakup or something
(08:36):
has turned and leaned on, leanedon music.
Just so you don't, you feellike, I don't know, you kind of
it's cathartic to listen toother people's experiences
sometimes.
Yeah.
So like I, I, I leaned intomusic.
more as like, not because that'sjust what I do, but now I'm
sober.
It was also like a survivalstrategy, I guess.
(08:59):
So I mean it was, yeah, it wasvery, it was a lot.
It was meaningful.
I definitely, I.
I'm glad that I had myinstruments and a love for music
to get me through the, thatfirst little
Steve (09:10):
bit.
Yeah, I can certainly see thatbeing helpful.
Yeah.
And how have your experienceswith making music changed or
evolved over the course of yourrecovery?
J9 (09:20):
Changed or evolved over the course?
Well, I guess one thing thatcomes to mind is, yeah, I mean,
if you have a drink, it cansometimes help you just start a
process of anything.
(09:41):
Like if for some reason like youget two in your head and you're
like, oh, I'm gettingoverwhelmed.
There's too many steps to do thething I want to do, like, like,
yeah.
So you, I leaned.
on having a drink often beforejust to like lower that inner
critic and, and, and, and makemyself I guess less inhibited
(10:03):
towards like, yeah, it just madestarting things easier.
So I guess it's changed andevolved in that I've had to
learn how to consistently showup when I want to create.
when I have to because like I,I've given myself a deadline or
(10:23):
have a deadline to get a songdone for someone or whatever.
Like, yeah, like maybe now I goto the store and get chocolate
instead, but But yeah, it's,it's just, I kind of feel like
there's a little bit more of apush that I've needed to get
used to giving myself to belike, don't worry, just get
(10:43):
started.
That's the hardest.
Once you start, it's gonna feelgreat, but for some reason it's
always been kind of like toomuch in my head, I guess, with
artistry too, like, like thatinner critic.
Sometimes it just tells youlike, why start?
If what you're gonna do isn'tgonna be good enough.
(11:05):
Mm-hmm.
or, or up to your expectationsor whatever.
So that voice alone can beenough to kind of just make you
stop in your tracks, get alittle paralyzed and not want to
even start something.
So yeah, consistently showing upfor yourself sober is kind of
like learning a new skill, Ithink.
Steve (11:26):
And how do you overcome that?
Like inner saboteur or thatnegative self-talk?
J9 (11:31):
I mean it never really goes away.
Mm-hmm.
it doesn't kinda, I accept it asa part of me.
I like the idea of like theinner child and like the shadow
self.
So that idea has really helpedme out thinking like a lot of
the negative thoughts we haveare kind of just like, I guess
evolutionarily speaking, they'vekind of come.
(11:52):
as like a survival mechanism.
Mm-hmm.
like, oh, don't go there.
It's not safe.
You know, like, so you stay outof, you know, harm's way of like
a predator or something, but,now, you know, the way we live
now, it doesn't really come inthat handy.
It's more hindering.
But if you think of it as justlike a shadow part of yourself
(12:14):
that's just there, it's justmaybe trying to get your
attention.
Just kinda like tucking, tuggingon your shirt a little bit.
Say hi, I hear you, but noMm-hmm.
not this time, but yeah, like,I, I've beat myself up in the
past.
I'm like, why can't I get rid ofthis negative thinking?
(12:34):
And you know what?
That just makes you feel morelike shit about yourself because
it doesn't go away and it makesit worse.
It amplifies it.
Cuz now you're beating yourselfup about beating yourself up.
Steve (12:46):
Yeah.
I was ready to go into a fullblown like despair spiral.
Like when I go home tonight, Ihad to be like, getting upset
about it will only make me moreupset and like, it's just, you
have to get over it and figureit.
Yeah,
J9 (12:58):
it's true.
I mean, some people may be justlike, la, la, la jump, but I
don't know.
I feel like self-talk, justtalking yourself down out of
those kind of things helps alot.
Steve (13:09):
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah.
And what advice might you havefor someone who's struggling to
connect with their musical orcreative side?
J9 (13:16):
You know what, this does kind of remind me of something
that happened to me once veryhappenstance.
It was really strange.
I just remember after work oneday, I went across the street to
have a little like post-workmeal, and they had kinda like
communal tables, so it wasn'tlike individual seating.
It was like maybe a long tablewith different chairs.
(13:37):
and I don't know why, but forsome reason I, there was one
seat, I asked this older woman,she was probably in her
seventies, almost 80, whatever,I don't know, wisdom, what have
you, I don't know.
Guardian, angel, I don't know.
But I sat down and I asked if Icould sit me with her and she's
like, sure.
Then we start chatting and atsome point she just kind of is
(13:59):
like, you know, you've been tothe realm of, of light and sound
right.
I'm like, what are you talkingabout, I'm like, Uhhuh, okay.
But she actually told me thebest piece of advice I've ever
heard in my life about gettinginto that creative space with
like color and, and light andsound is she's like, if you
(14:20):
start to get in your own way andget overwhelmed, just relax.
and I really thought about thatlike, best thing you can do
sometimes if you're gettingworked up is to like, either
distract yourself, go dosomething else for a bit.
Mm-hmm.
for me, even just laying downand like, I'm just gonna have a
nap.
(14:40):
And then who knows?
Like my brain might just go onautopilot and all of a sudden I,
I come up with an idea.
Right?
So I'm not a hundred percentsure if that answers your
question, but I think to thebest of my ability, that's how
I've learned to.
With the musical process whenit's been hard to, and, and that
(15:01):
was advice given to me bysomeone.
Totally random, but it, itreally is like the best thing.
So maybe others can try that outas well.
See how it works for them.
Steve (15:11):
Sounds like a plan.
And what type of advice mightyou have for someone who's
struggling in their recoveryright now,
J9 (15:20):
If you live in a, in.
big city, moved to a small town,Mm-hmm.
How has that helped you removedthe distractions and I'm, I'm, I
mean, I'm joking, but reallythat's literally what I did.
And I read a article recentlyabout a, a man in, in Europe
who, I guess he, he'd beenstruggling with being overweight
(15:41):
for a very long time, and that'sprecisely what he did.
At some point, he's just like,I'm really not doing this.
I just wanna remove myself fromthe temptation.
Went to a small town where likethe closest place to go get
takeout was like an hour awayand you had to get groceries,
shop, cook for yourself andright there.
That helps you eat a lothealthier because you're
(16:03):
cooking.
You can control what kind ofingredients you're using and
eating.
So I think of it the same.
You know, don't, don't jump intothings if you're not ready.
Like if you're not ready to goto a scene, like a bar to listen
to live music where like all ofyour old friends who you met
(16:23):
through drinking and connectedthrough drinking, like, it's
great if your goal is to be ableto go do that.
and not have the thought crossyour mind or even notice anyone
else's drinking around you.
I'm happy to say, I think I'mslowly finally starting to kind
of get there when I do go out,but like I wasn't ready for such
(16:43):
a long time and I'm just reallyhappy that I took the time to
myself for as long as I needed.
No, no apologies to anyone.
Yeah, you just gotta look outfor yourself and screw what
other people.
Yeah, I think
Steve (16:55):
that's great advice.
I remember like my first coupletimes, especially like going out
to a bar, like I had certain,like things I was cool with and
being around, it was one ofthem.
But like I, I had my husband goup to the bar to get me my diet
soda.
Like, cuz like I didn't wanna goto the bar where the, they were
like, what do you wanna drink?
Like, cuz I wasn't, cuz this waslike, I think at like six months
or eight months sober and I waslike not ready to like, Not just
(17:16):
have something else, like adrink order come outta my mouth
or something like that.
So I was like, I could be in thebar and I could sit at the table
and I could watch the dragqueens because like, that was
like the, the best part aboutbars for me always.
And the
J9 (17:29):
entertainment,
Steve (17:30):
right?
Yeah.
The entertainment.
And then, but I was like, he,but he had to be my, my bar keep
for the night.
So we,
J9 (17:36):
we made it work.
You almost don't trust yourselffor the first bit.
Like you almost have to likereestablish a connection with
yourself first.
and who knows how long it'lltake to like, trust yourself not
to make bad decisions again.
Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
That's great.
Well, I'm glad you figured thatout.
Yeah.
Steve (17:53):
Any last
J9 (17:54):
thoughts?
It's always really lovelytalking to you.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
I like seeing your smile.
You feel me?
Full of hope for the future.
Steve (18:04):
Excellent.
Well, you, you bring the smileto my face.
I enjoy chatting with you aswell.
J9 (18:11):
I love, I love coming onto your.
Steve (18:13):
Yeah.
And if someone wanted to connectwith you or find your music that
you make, how would they dothat?
J9 (18:19):
I have music.
My music's on every streamingplatform.
So Spotify, apple, like evenSoundCloud, Bandcamp, Amazon,
what have you.
My stage name is J nine, justthe letter J and the number
nine.
There's a few of us out there,but look for the one that.
(18:41):
Looks like a non-binary comic,badass, Okay.
I'll have that, it'll have thatpicture on it.
But other than that, connectwith me through social.
I'm at J nine Grooves.
Perfect.
Just J nine Grooves.
And you can find me on Facebook,Instagram, Twitter, YouTube.
Yeah.
Wonderful.
Steve (19:00):
Excellent.
And thank you so much, J nine.
Thank you so much and thank youlisteners for tuning into
another episode of Gay Podcast.
If you'd like to hear more of Jnine and I, we're gonna be
heading on over to our Patonpage to talk more about your
experience of connecting andmaking friends in recovery.
(19:21):
You can do that by following thelink in the show notes.
Meanwhile, if you're interestedin sharing your story or just
say, hi, I'm an emailaway@gaypodcastgmail.com or on
Instagram Gay podcast.
And be sure to follow uswherever you're listening so you
can get these new episodes whenthey come out every Thursday.
And until next time, stay soberFriends.
Hi everyone and welcome to Gay a, a podcast about
sobriety for the LGBT pluscommunity and our allies.
I'm your host, Steve Bennett.
Martin, I am an alcoholic and Iam grateful for the creative
streak I'm learning.
I have in recovery as of thisrecording.
I am 636 days sober, and todaywe're welcoming back friend of
the Pod Jane nine, to talk aboutmaking music in recovery.
(00:26):
Thanks for coming back.
Welcome.
J9 (00:28):
thanks so much for having me back.
Yeah,
Steve (00:32):
I'm excited to catch up.
Since, as we were saying before,it's been about a year since
your last episode.
What, what's been the last yearbeen like?
J9 (00:41):
The last year has been Yeah, pretty up and down.
But I've been making music,keeping creative getting used to
small town living.
Mm-hmm.
has been a bit of a challengeafter being in a city like
Toronto for 20 years, but Ithink I'm getting the hang of
(01:01):
it.
Even more exciting as I actuallystarted flight school in
September.
So I'm learning how to flyairplane.
and make music so I can be anyhappier really.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
Steve (01:15):
Yeah.
And why, out of talking aboutanything in the world, you
talked about making music.
J9 (01:22):
I mean, it has been there's been some, some struggling
around it.
I won't lie.
As a, as a sober person.
Having moved away from the cityand trying to just kind of like
keep in it an inch towards likesocializing in the music scene
(01:47):
still, but like from far awayand not being able to like show
up every week and just get thehang of it.
I mean, I hate to say, well, nothate to say, but part of the
reason I, I did move out to themiddle of nowhere was kind of.
when things started opening upduring pandemic, I was about a
(02:08):
year sober.
And I don't know, I was justafraid, actually.
I was afraid that wheneverything started opening up
for the summer, that I don'tknow, I just kind of wanted to
take myself out of a city that'sknown for, for social drinking.
Mm-hmm.
and give myself more time andspace before.
So yeah, music because.
(02:31):
it's my hobby, it's my passion.
Aside from work and school, I'mmaking music.
And it has been a little bit ofa challenge to feel still part
of a scene that I very much wasa part of the whole time I lived
in Toronto.
Yeah.
So it's just very different now.
Very different.
Little bit of a challenge, butit's, it's, it's still going
(02:54):
good.
It's going.
But yeah, I thought maybe maybeI could share some of my insight
with your listeners and whoknows?
Maybe someone can chime in withsome advice to me.
Steve (03:05):
Yes.
Sounds good.
I know that, I mean, I thinkjust in general, it's beautiful
finding creativity and recoveryespecially, but I've never been
much of a musical person.
I've learned I'm creative inother ways.
Just making music is not one ofthem.
But What was your firstexperience like maybe as like a
child or young adult where youremember making music?
J9 (03:26):
I've been, I mean, I was playing around on a keyboard at
the age of what, like two orthree.
And then I think by six yearsold I was put in piano lessons.
I started just playing songsthat I liked by ear.
I guess I don't really makemusic until.
I mean, I'm gonna say I actuallylike composed my, my, my own
(03:48):
first piano piece when I was inhigh school, like 15, 16, maybe
years old.
But I do remember we have totake the French class here in
Canada and I did in elementaryschool make a French rap as one
of my assignments.
So I put, yeah, I, with thecassette tape, I put a beat
(04:09):
together, I wrapped on top ofit.
I don't know how to rap but thatwas a lot of fun.
And you know what?
It kind of blew the teacheraway.
I remember that.
She was like super impressed bythe creative, you know,
motivation behind it.
So yeah, I mean, and then Ihaven't really been making music
until more of my adult.
(04:31):
Like aside from those two littlethings, I've always like played
other people's music.
Mm-hmm.
So I, I think that to me that'sdifferent than making music.
Yeah.
And I definitely didn't reallystart getting more into that
until.
Probably in my early twenties,but for the most part, I've
played other people's music andbeen in bands and only over the
past several years now have Ireally wanted to focus on making
(04:53):
my own music.
Yeah.
But yeah, I would say the Frenchwrap
Steve (04:57):
That's awesome.
And how would you say your, yourdrinking and use affected your
ability and your relationshipwith music?
J9 (05:08):
Yeah, I I was a pretty good kid.
I know a lot of I had, I hadfriends in high school that were
like drinking and smoking and,and doing drugs and stuff, but I
honestly didn't until I lefthigh school and started college.
So, I mean, playing musicalthrough high school was just
(05:29):
normal.
It was, you know, my peers band.
But yeah, once I went tocollege, started drinking and
got my first band, I remember itwas a real gamble.
You know, it was prettytraditional to want to take like
a shot of whiskey before goingon stage, and hopefully hadn't
(05:51):
drank, drank much before then.
But yeah, sometimes for whateverreason you go on late and, you
know, get carried away.
Keep track and I used to fumblearound quite a bit on the
keyboard during some of theshows, and, and I, I remember
feeling very embarrassed aftersome of'em.
And, and like it was becoming aproblem with playing music.
(06:13):
On the other hand, I'm sureyou'd talked to a lot of
creative people in general that,I mean, before they, they go
sober.
Might even say that.
Drinking or like smoking mayhave got them into the creative
space faster and they thinklike, yeah, it really helps me.
(06:34):
But I can tell you after beingsober for long enough, it helps
you more to not drink than todrink
Steve (06:43):
Yeah.
I used to tell'em like, that wasthe narrative I told myself like
all the time for like writingpodcast episodes cuz like I was
podcasting before I got sober.
It's not like I was drunkworking on these but like I
remember I'd be like, yeah, I'mgonna like research my movies
for my pop culture podcast whileI'm having a.
Glass, which was a bottle ofwine and like I'll just knock
through like three outlines.
(07:04):
And of course like I rarely gotone done and it was like
incomplete or sloppy.
And yeah, it definitely was anarrative.
I told myself that it was likeeasier to be creative or make
things when I was drinking, butit wasn't.
True.
J9 (07:17):
No, it's really common.
I hear a lot of people, I'vealways heard a lot of people say
that, and it's just, it's like amyth almost, I would say.
Mm-hmm.
but I can't tell you also the,the number of times I woke up
the next morning and like wouldopen up the song I was editing
the night before and I'm like,what the fuck did I do?
Yeah.
Like, no saving this.
I don't, I don't know what I didbut.
(07:41):
you're right.
And
Steve (07:42):
then what was it, what was your relationship with music
like, especially during, like,at first counting days and when
you first got sober?
J9 (07:49):
Well, I would, I would kind of start that with for me when I
finally like really stuck tobeing sober.
Like it was right at the startof the pandemic.
So like I'm very proud ofmyself.
I'm coming up on my third yearon March 1st, and, but that did
(08:12):
kind of put me in a uniquesituation because I think, you
know, I was in a small bachelorapartment right downtown
Toronto, and yeah, I reallyleaned on music as like, One of
the only things that make mefeel grounded and sane and, and
not so alone.
Like, I'm sure most people goingthrough a breakup or something
(08:36):
has turned and leaned on, leanedon music.
Just so you don't, you feellike, I don't know, you kind of
it's cathartic to listen toother people's experiences
sometimes.
Yeah.
So like I, I, I leaned intomusic.
more as like, not because that'sjust what I do, but now I'm
sober.
It was also like a survivalstrategy, I guess.
(08:59):
So I mean it was, yeah, it wasvery, it was a lot.
It was meaningful.
I definitely, I.
I'm glad that I had myinstruments and a love for music
to get me through the, thatfirst little
Steve (09:10):
bit.
Yeah, I can certainly see thatbeing helpful.
Yeah.
And how have your experienceswith making music changed or
evolved over the course of yourrecovery?
J9 (09:20):
Changed or evolved over the course?
Well, I guess one thing thatcomes to mind is, yeah, I mean,
if you have a drink, it cansometimes help you just start a
process of anything.
(09:41):
Like if for some reason like youget two in your head and you're
like, oh, I'm gettingoverwhelmed.
There's too many steps to do thething I want to do, like, like,
yeah.
So you, I leaned.
on having a drink often beforejust to like lower that inner
critic and, and, and, and makemyself I guess less inhibited
(10:03):
towards like, yeah, it just madestarting things easier.
So I guess it's changed andevolved in that I've had to
learn how to consistently showup when I want to create.
when I have to because like I,I've given myself a deadline or
(10:23):
have a deadline to get a songdone for someone or whatever.
Like, yeah, like maybe now I goto the store and get chocolate
instead, but But yeah, it's,it's just, I kind of feel like
there's a little bit more of apush that I've needed to get
used to giving myself to belike, don't worry, just get
(10:43):
started.
That's the hardest.
Once you start, it's gonna feelgreat, but for some reason it's
always been kind of like toomuch in my head, I guess, with
artistry too, like, like thatinner critic.
Sometimes it just tells youlike, why start?
If what you're gonna do isn'tgonna be good enough.
(11:05):
Mm-hmm.
or, or up to your expectationsor whatever.
So that voice alone can beenough to kind of just make you
stop in your tracks, get alittle paralyzed and not want to
even start something.
So yeah, consistently showing upfor yourself sober is kind of
like learning a new skill, Ithink.
Steve (11:26):
And how do you overcome that?
Like inner saboteur or thatnegative self-talk?
J9 (11:31):
I mean it never really goes away.
Mm-hmm.
it doesn't kinda, I accept it asa part of me.
I like the idea of like theinner child and like the shadow
self.
So that idea has really helpedme out thinking like a lot of
the negative thoughts we haveare kind of just like, I guess
evolutionarily speaking, they'vekind of come.
(11:52):
as like a survival mechanism.
Mm-hmm.
like, oh, don't go there.
It's not safe.
You know, like, so you stay outof, you know, harm's way of like
a predator or something, but,now, you know, the way we live
now, it doesn't really come inthat handy.
It's more hindering.
But if you think of it as justlike a shadow part of yourself
(12:14):
that's just there, it's justmaybe trying to get your
attention.
Just kinda like tucking, tuggingon your shirt a little bit.
Say hi, I hear you, but noMm-hmm.
not this time, but yeah, like,I, I've beat myself up in the
past.
I'm like, why can't I get rid ofthis negative thinking?
(12:34):
And you know what?
That just makes you feel morelike shit about yourself because
it doesn't go away and it makesit worse.
It amplifies it.
Cuz now you're beating yourselfup about beating yourself up.
Steve (12:46):
Yeah.
I was ready to go into a fullblown like despair spiral.
Like when I go home tonight, Ihad to be like, getting upset
about it will only make me moreupset and like, it's just, you
have to get over it and figureit.
Yeah,
J9 (12:58):
it's true.
I mean, some people may be justlike, la, la, la jump, but I
don't know.
I feel like self-talk, justtalking yourself down out of
those kind of things helps alot.
Steve (13:09):
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah.
And what advice might you havefor someone who's struggling to
connect with their musical orcreative side?
J9 (13:16):
You know what, this does kind of remind me of something
that happened to me once veryhappenstance.
It was really strange.
I just remember after work oneday, I went across the street to
have a little like post-workmeal, and they had kinda like
communal tables, so it wasn'tlike individual seating.
It was like maybe a long tablewith different chairs.
(13:37):
and I don't know why, but forsome reason I, there was one
seat, I asked this older woman,she was probably in her
seventies, almost 80, whatever,I don't know, wisdom, what have
you, I don't know.
Guardian, angel, I don't know.
But I sat down and I asked if Icould sit me with her and she's
like, sure.
Then we start chatting and atsome point she just kind of is
(13:59):
like, you know, you've been tothe realm of, of light and sound
right.
I'm like, what are you talkingabout, I'm like, Uhhuh, okay.
But she actually told me thebest piece of advice I've ever
heard in my life about gettinginto that creative space with
like color and, and light andsound is she's like, if you
(14:20):
start to get in your own way andget overwhelmed, just relax.
and I really thought about thatlike, best thing you can do
sometimes if you're gettingworked up is to like, either
distract yourself, go dosomething else for a bit.
Mm-hmm.
for me, even just laying downand like, I'm just gonna have a
nap.
(14:40):
And then who knows?
Like my brain might just go onautopilot and all of a sudden I,
I come up with an idea.
Right?
So I'm not a hundred percentsure if that answers your
question, but I think to thebest of my ability, that's how
I've learned to.
With the musical process whenit's been hard to, and, and that
(15:01):
was advice given to me bysomeone.
Totally random, but it, itreally is like the best thing.
So maybe others can try that outas well.
See how it works for them.
Steve (15:11):
Sounds like a plan.
And what type of advice mightyou have for someone who's
struggling in their recoveryright now,
J9 (15:20):
If you live in a, in.
big city, moved to a small town,Mm-hmm.
How has that helped you removedthe distractions and I'm, I'm, I
mean, I'm joking, but reallythat's literally what I did.
And I read a article recentlyabout a, a man in, in Europe
who, I guess he, he'd beenstruggling with being overweight
(15:41):
for a very long time, and that'sprecisely what he did.
At some point, he's just like,I'm really not doing this.
I just wanna remove myself fromthe temptation.
Went to a small town where likethe closest place to go get
takeout was like an hour awayand you had to get groceries,
shop, cook for yourself andright there.
That helps you eat a lothealthier because you're
(16:03):
cooking.
You can control what kind ofingredients you're using and
eating.
So I think of it the same.
You know, don't, don't jump intothings if you're not ready.
Like if you're not ready to goto a scene, like a bar to listen
to live music where like all ofyour old friends who you met
(16:23):
through drinking and connectedthrough drinking, like, it's
great if your goal is to be ableto go do that.
and not have the thought crossyour mind or even notice anyone
else's drinking around you.
I'm happy to say, I think I'mslowly finally starting to kind
of get there when I do go out,but like I wasn't ready for such
(16:43):
a long time and I'm just reallyhappy that I took the time to
myself for as long as I needed.
No, no apologies to anyone.
Yeah, you just gotta look outfor yourself and screw what
other people.
Yeah, I think
Steve (16:55):
that's great advice.
I remember like my first coupletimes, especially like going out
to a bar, like I had certain,like things I was cool with and
being around, it was one ofthem.
But like I, I had my husband goup to the bar to get me my diet
soda.
Like, cuz like I didn't wanna goto the bar where the, they were
like, what do you wanna drink?
Like, cuz I wasn't, cuz this waslike, I think at like six months
or eight months sober and I waslike not ready to like, Not just
(17:16):
have something else, like adrink order come outta my mouth
or something like that.
So I was like, I could be in thebar and I could sit at the table
and I could watch the dragqueens because like, that was
like the, the best part aboutbars for me always.
And the
J9 (17:29):
entertainment,
Steve (17:30):
right?
Yeah.
The entertainment.
And then, but I was like, he,but he had to be my, my bar keep
for the night.
So we,
J9 (17:36):
we made it work.
You almost don't trust yourselffor the first bit.
Like you almost have to likereestablish a connection with
yourself first.
and who knows how long it'lltake to like, trust yourself not
to make bad decisions again.
Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
That's great.
Well, I'm glad you figured thatout.
Yeah.
Steve (17:53):
Any last
J9 (17:54):
thoughts?
It's always really lovelytalking to you.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
I like seeing your smile.
You feel me?
Full of hope for the future.
Steve (18:04):
Excellent.
Well, you, you bring the smileto my face.
I enjoy chatting with you aswell.
J9 (18:11):
I love, I love coming onto your.
Steve (18:13):
Yeah.
And if someone wanted to connectwith you or find your music that
you make, how would they dothat?
J9 (18:19):
I have music.
My music's on every streamingplatform.
So Spotify, apple, like evenSoundCloud, Bandcamp, Amazon,
what have you.
My stage name is J nine, justthe letter J and the number
nine.
There's a few of us out there,but look for the one that.
(18:41):
Looks like a non-binary comic,badass, Okay.
I'll have that, it'll have thatpicture on it.
But other than that, connectwith me through social.
I'm at J nine Grooves.
Perfect.
Just J nine Grooves.
And you can find me on Facebook,Instagram, Twitter, YouTube.
Yeah.
Wonderful.
Steve (19:00):
Excellent.
And thank you so much, J nine.
Thank you so much and thank youlisteners for tuning into
another episode of Gay Podcast.
If you'd like to hear more of Jnine and I, we're gonna be
heading on over to our Patonpage to talk more about your
experience of connecting andmaking friends in recovery.
(19:21):
You can do that by following thelink in the show notes.
Meanwhile, if you're interestedin sharing your story or just
say, hi, I'm an emailaway@gaypodcastgmail.com or on
Instagram Gay podcast.
And be sure to follow uswherever you're listening so you
can get these new episodes whenthey come out every Thursday.
And until next time, stay soberFriends.
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