November 14, 2024 • 24 mins
In this episode of Gay A: The Queer Sober Hero Show, host Sober Steve welcomes Richard Dean, a fellow sober friend, to share his inspiring journey through addiction, recovery, and the exploration of codependence. Richard opens up about the challenges he faced in early sobriety, the lessons he learned from relapse, and the powerful transformation he experienced through programs like Alcoholics Anonymous and Codependents Anonymous. Together, they discuss the unique aspects of queer sobriety, the importance of finding balance in relationships, and the pivotal role of fellowship in maintaining sobriety.
Topics Covered:
- Richard’s journey from addiction to recovery, including relapses and the turning points that inspired lasting change.
- Navigating queer identity in sobriety and the importance of community connection.
- The impact of codependency in relationships and how Codependents Anonymous helped Richard find balance.
- Staying close to program practices, the role of daily routines, and how meditation, prayer, and fellowship play into Richard’s recovery.
- Richard’s advice on staying connected and finding joy in the present, along with embracing authenticity and freedom in life.
What's Next? Hear the full episode to dive into Richard’s story and gain valuable insights into navigating recovery and codependence as part of the queer sober community. Make sure to follow Gay A on your favorite podcast platform to catch new episodes every Thursday!
Follow Richard Dean: Instagram: @richarddean326
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Steve (00:04):
Hey there, everyone.
Welcome to Gay A, the QueerSober Hero Show.
I'm your host, Sober Steve, thepodcast guy, here today with 1,
251 Days of Sobriety, and herewith one of my sober IRL friends
in real life, Richard.
Hi, Richard.
Richard (00:19):
Hi.
Steve (00:21):
Welcome to the show.
Richard (00:23):
This is pretty.
Steve (00:25):
Yeah.
So for people who don't have thepleasure of already knowing you,
why don't you introduce yourselfthe way that us good old
alcoholics generally do?
Richard (00:33):
Oh my gosh, my name is Richard Dean, and I am an
alcoholic and a codependent.
Steve (00:40):
Excellent welcome to the show, and how long have you been
working a program of sorts?
Richard (00:46):
Wow.
So sobriety date is July 4th,2022.
However, I've been in and outsince 2007.
Steve (00:56):
Excellent.
We'll get more into that in amoment, but I like to start off
nice and light.
Why don't you share yourfavorite part of being sober
today?
Richard (01:05):
Oh my gosh.
Wow.
I guess I just, I'm going tohave to say it's afforded me an
amazing life and my career hasskyrocketed.
And I don't know, a life thatI've never dreamed possible.
So things are great.
Yeah,
Steve (01:23):
excellent.
I can't imagine going back atthis point because Sabrina's
been very kind to me.
And especially in sobriety, whatwould you say is your favorite
part of being a member of thequeer community or gay community
today?
Richard (01:35):
I like to think that I'm pretty tuned in to the
community I get out there for,All the events don't spend many
times and nights in barsanymore.
But I love just being out thereand, tied to our people, living
a life that's out free, gay, andhappy.
(01:56):
Excellent.
Steve (01:56):
Yes.
I voted
Richard (01:57):
today.
I voted today.
So that was big.
Steve (02:00):
Excellent.
With podcasting magic.
Today is the day that everyone'svoting.
I did it earlier by mail, sopeople don't come at me.
I just don't get into politicsgenerally.
Awesome.
I'm glad everyone is votingwho's needing to vote because we
need the votes, especiallypeople who probably like my
podcast generally will vote thesame way I would imagine.
So why don't we jump into thenthe thick of it.
(02:21):
Tell me a little bit about whatyour journey to get here today
was like.
Richard (02:24):
Oh it was rough.
Born and raised in Manchester,New Hampshire.
So I'm from the Northeast.
I used to be what's known as amass whole moved down here when
I was like 16.
By the time I got down here, Iwas already struggling with
coming out, my sexuality drugs,alcohol chaos, all got
introduced when I was 16.
(02:46):
Hit the clubs very early inlife, had a fake ID, doing that
lifestyle.
And that went on pretty muchsolid for 10 years.
10 years of chaos.
I don't know really where tostart.
2007 I ended up checking myselfinto rehab after struggling for
a long time.
I had no more friends, no morefamily.
(03:08):
I was actually 18.
Junkie.
What I classified as a junkie.
I was living behind a Barnes andNoble, sleeping next to a
dumpster when I was 24 yearsold.
Came in just desperately needingsome help.
Went to rehab 30 days,transitioned to a halfway house,
worked the program reallyaggressively, stayed sober for
(03:30):
four years.
And what happens after that wheneverything is good and life is
getting better.
I stopped going to meetings.
I was good.
I didn't need program.
I didn't need help.
I was good.
And eventually what happened?
I ordered that famous margarita,the margarita that kind of just
took me right back out to thesame chaos.
(03:53):
Yeah, that went on for anotherthree, four years and back and
forth, tried to get sober.
Geographical changes, right?
Philadelphia, Vegas, Orlando,Atlanta, Naples, Fort Myers.
It just, I was bouncing all overthe place.
For years.
And I was doing what my parentshad taught me best.
(04:15):
And I come from a family ofheavy drug addicts and I learned
all those things that you do,using my body to get myself out
there for sex and money and fora place to stay.
And it was just it was rough.
It was really rough for a longtime.
Sometime in 2012 I was workingfor the company I'm with now.
(04:38):
I had gotten a job for a localagency down in Naples.
And the gentleman that I hadworked for, I was honest at the
time.
I was just getting back into theprogram.
I was being honest with himabout my recovery and how I had
relapsed and so forth.
And he brought me on entry leveland I was working there driving
(05:02):
45 minutes every day to work.
And it was really crazy.
One Friday I was on my way home.
And my car blew up on thehighway.
And had only had three or fourmonths sober at that point after
my relapsing that first time.
And I went home, I cried, I wentto AA meetings.
(05:24):
I was calling everybody.
I was just like, Oh my God, Ican't keep this job.
And they were like, just stayclose to the program.
And pray to God and all this.
And that Sunday I sent an emailto my employer and I said,
Listen, I've decided that I'mgoing to have to give you my
notice.
This happened, my car and thevery next day, this employer
(05:46):
reaches out to me and he said, Iwould really like it if you'd
come down and pick up your lastpaycheck.
And is there any way you can getdown here?
And the drive was 45 minutes toan hour with Fort Myers Naples
traffic.
It was horrible.
And I made my way down there andI showed up and I walked in and
(06:06):
I said, listen, I'm reallysorry.
And he handed me the keys to abrand new car.
And it was crazy.
And I was like, I was instantlyin tears.
I was like, why are you doingthis?
And he was just like, just inthe amount of work and what I've
seen in just a short time withyou, I think that you're worth
it.
I am going to ask you for acommitment and so forth.
(06:28):
And at that point I realizedthat The universe was like
lining up for me, like theuniverse was telling me it's
okay.
You're going to get through thisand you're going to flourish
from this.
And I still tell that story allthe time because I'll always
remember him.
Unfortunately, that employer andI, we haven't spoken in many
years.
(06:49):
I've continued on since then,but that was like a turning
point in my recovery.
And that's really where Istarted to focus on the program.
Things at that point, justcontinued on career got better,
life got better.
I was boyfriends, arguments,Like the behavior patterns never
changed, right?
And so I continued on andeventually, as you recall we all
(07:13):
remember pulse 2016 and I hadsome friends who were tied into
that.
And it reconnected me with anold friend from there who was
working at pulse.
And we started a verycodependent relationship.
It was long distance back andforth.
And after a year of going backand forth, he finally said to
me, Hey, I would like you tomove up to Orlando.
(07:34):
So I said, I can't really dothat.
I have this whole career hereand everything was really
flourishing down, and, and so Idecided to take a chance.
I rented my home that I had onlybeen in for a year and a half,
and I moved off to Orlando and Imoved in with him and within 60
days.
Thanks.
What do you think happened?
We ended up parting ways and itjust, it was the same chaos that
(07:59):
was happening, when I was usingin, in all that, I have a
problem with people, places andthings.
I, at that point I feltdefeated.
I was still drinking.
I was still using at that point.
I had relapsed the second time,sometime in those few years.
And I said where am I going togo?
And I was looking at the wholecoast and I decided that I was
(08:21):
going to root myself inSarasota.
And crazy as that is, that was2017.
I started by acquiring anapartment in Sarasota.
I was still working for the sameperson in Fort Myers.
I was literally traveling backand forth every Monday, coming
home on Thursdays and Fridays.
And I started it all over againin Sarasota.
(08:43):
But when I got to Sarasota, Iknew I had to get sober.
And I walked into some rooms andI met some guys.
local community.
And it w people took me in.
I told the same, s again.
I went o to meet people.
I met my because yes, as livingall those character defects out,
(09:08):
still arguing and raging andcontrolling and manipulating and
all this stuff.
And eventually that marriagefell apart and it took me out
for four days in 2022, which wasmy last relapse.
And Those four days were prettyrough.
I ended up am I allowed to saythis?
Am I allowed to say that I wentout on four eight balls pretty
(09:29):
much trying to kill myself atthat point?
So yeah, that is what happened.
I was in a hotel room with foureight balls by myself, just
ready to end all.
And It was rough.
It was rough.
But I knew the people in theprogram and I knew I had to do
something and I had built thisamazing career for myself.
I started my company in 2019.
(09:52):
Six months before COVID, it wasreally scary because COVID
happened and then we had totransition to remote.
And I, now everybody'scomfortable with it and we are
too.
But I had invested every dime ofmy money into this company and I
was like, oh my gosh, I totallyunderstand why my marriage
(10:12):
failed.
I was living in fear every dayof losing financial insecurity.
I was lashing out, I was takingit out on this victim, right?
This hostage that I had takenthrough the five years of my
marriage.
And I ended up reaching out to afriend.
I got back to the rooms july 4thof 22.
I just cleared it away.
And I was introduced toCodependence Anonymous at that
(10:34):
point.
And I don't know if there'ssomething very different between
the two, but CODA really helpedme understand more about myself
and my behavior patterns andwhere I had learned them.
And I don't know the step workwas very different.
The approach to looking atyourself was different, and I
(10:56):
feel like that was eye openingand boundaries.
I learned boundaries at thatpoint.
I learned that I was okay livingalone, being alone.
I've been living alone for twoyears since my divorce.
I'm dipping my toe in the waterdating these days, but I am
living alone.
I'm not jumping into anything.
But it taught me a lot aboutmyself and I worked those 12
(11:19):
steps and I stayed close to a.
And Coda.
And now is a blessing.
I have clarity in my life and Ihave sponsees.
I have four sponsees now and Ihave a fellowship and I'm
getting choked up and this isthe part that makes me tear up
is realized how much how manyblessings that I had in my life
(11:39):
until I got into the programthis last time.
I feel like I really needed toexperience that relapse.
It brought clarity and I have arelationship with my family now
up in the northeast Manchester.
My cousins and I are much closertoday.
I've met you through thisprogram.
And recently moved over thebridge to St.
(12:01):
Pete and I gotta say I feel likeI found my people my area and a
lot of people have beenincluding you.
A lot of people have madecomments about, things that have
changed in me this past year.
Just I feel like I'm healthier,I'm happier.
I'm able to be myself.
I still have my amazing businessin Sarasota.
(12:23):
I have my staff over there.
I have my community there.
I'm still involved in kickballand other organizations over
there.
But Being here in St.
Pete is different, like nojudgment, no fear, and
Steve (12:36):
Come on over!
Richard (12:44):
I'm walking distance.
So it's been amazing.
So by the way, do you, Oh, wait,do you like my big cock?
Can you tell everybody sees mybig cock here, right?
Yeah.
So I'm
Steve (13:00):
sure.
Richard (13:01):
Yes, that's right.
But it's really been amazing.
Not really much more.
I can say, I'm happy and healthyand joyous and free.
Steve (13:10):
Yeah thank you so much, especially sharing your stories
of Relapse.
This is my first go around,thankfully, because people like
you share.
That it's not any better outthere.
And when I think about alcohol,like I think of it very much
kind of the way you talked aboutwith those eight balls is I
don't think about alcohol.
Oh, I would go out and have adrink to have fun.
If I think about drinking again,it's I'm going to have the five
bottles next to me and I'm goingto drink them all until I go
(13:31):
into a coma and that will be howI die, like literally, but
that's where it is, at least forme is like to drink.
I know is to die because Iwouldn't have anything that I
have today.
If I started drinking again, itwould all just go away.
Richard (13:42):
Are you a one chip wonder good for you.
That's awesome.
Steve (13:45):
I started this podcast And it's all of you like sharing
that help with that.
So thank you And with that likeI know that you have all these
blessings and you get choked upover how awesome they are But
i'm sure that in sobriety eventhis go around life's throwing
you some shit balls Like how doyou get through the hard times
and stay sober?
Richard (14:03):
I, it's all about fellowship, right?
I didn't say it, but as I'm inthe field of insurance.
And as we've had a pretty roughhurricane season.
So everybody's ah, Florida,right?
But this past few months havejust really been heartbreaking
for all these families that wereaffected and so forth.
But I stay close to the program.
Every morning I do a seven a.
(14:24):
m.
A.
meeting on zoom.
Love Zoom for that.
I have a community all over thecountry that goes to that.
I have CODA in the evening,several days a week on Zoom.
I have in person meetings duringthe week with my AA fellowship
here, but I stay very muchengaged and I pick up the phone.
I call people.
(14:45):
I never liked calling people,but I stay connected.
And I'm honest.
And lately, I gotta tell you,I've been acting out on some
character defects.
I've had a lot of changehappening in my life.
Steve, I gotta be honest withyou here.
I've had some character defectsthat have been rearing their
heads and I'm like, no, I don'twant to be that person.
(15:08):
I don't like being that personand i've had to say them out
loud.
So i've been dipping my toe inthe dating pool.
And as today It's like you haveto be honest with people And if
i'm not feeling it, I gotta tellyou right I don't want to string
you along and hurt you down theroad.
So those are little things thatI'm seeing like pop up.
(15:28):
It's been eye opening.
That's all I'll say.
Steve (15:32):
Yeah.
I can definitely see that beingtricky.
I know like even for me, in myexperience It's interesting in
sobriety having to have certainstandards that you hold yourself
to and realizing that sometimesthe kindest thing you can do is
be clear and give someone someinformation that they don't
necessarily want to hear.
But that can be kindness in itsown way.
So I definitely can understandthat.
(15:53):
And I also am interested becauseI can see how with alcohol
drugs, it's very clear when youhave a relapse, but I can
imagine with somethingcodependent relationships, it
can be a little bit grayer as towhen it's maybe dipping into old
character defects versus havinga full on emotional relapse or
something.
How do you navigate or balancethat?
Richard (16:12):
In the beginning in CODA, the cool thing is we got
like, All the characters,patterns and characteristics of
a codependent.
And it's funny.
I check marked every box, right?
I was like, that's me.
That's me.
That's me.
But I think just being veryaware today of those things.
Yeah.
Can things come about andhappen?
Yes.
(16:33):
Maybe I didn't want to say yesto that person.
Maybe I should have said no tothat person.
I recently started seeingsomebody like a month ago when
it was going really well, therewasn't any chemistry, but I
enjoyed the validation and thecommunication I was having with
that person.
So what did I do?
I dragged it along a littlewhile longer, and then when it
(16:54):
came down to it, he was like,hey, is this going anywhere?
And I'm like, no, it's not.
I should have been honest fromthe get go.
Just being aware, holdingyourself accountable and,
talking to other as I havecodependency and alcoholics,
right?
Yeah,
Steve (17:12):
I definitely community is key and helps so much with
everything that you can gothrough with that and everything
else.
It seems I know that it's alsolike easy to not reach out to
community when things startbothering you.
So having all those meetingshelps.
What else keeps you sober today?
Richard (17:30):
What else keeps me sober today?
I'm big on prayer.
It's like my thing.
I have a problem talking aboutit because I was raised Catholic
and the judgment that came withthat.
But I'm big on prayer.
I spend about 20 minutes in themorning reading several dailies
and then I spend some timemeditating.
I enjoy my solitude today.
(17:51):
Got some really rough news withthe company today I took an hour
rather than take a lunch,grabbed a bite to eat and I went
and sat in the dark and I justcentered myself and I also
wanted to make sure I wascentered for this was a little
anxious to get on here with you,but staying close to my higher
power, which is the universe.
I feel like there's like sourceenergy out there that kind of
(18:12):
just.
If it feels right, you just movewith it, right?
Steve (18:16):
Yeah, it's definitely easy to know that and then when
you feel it pulling you andsometimes you're like, no, I
want to stay where I am.
It's comfortable.
I don't like beinguncomfortable, but normally in
sobriety, like I've learned,like the more uncomfortable I
am, the generally the better itgets.
So with that, with prayers andalso we have in our programs,
all these sayings and things toremember that help us get
(18:37):
through tough times.
Do you have a favorite saying orphrase or prayer?
Richard (18:41):
When adversity presents itself, there's opportunity
around the corner.
That is something that I havebeen saying over and over again
the past few months.
When adversity presents itself,there's opportunity around the
corner.
Steve (18:58):
That sounds great.
And what does that mean to you?
Tell me more.
Richard (19:01):
Oh my gosh no.
When there's trouble inparadise, I need to, rather than
saying, why is this happening tome?
I need to say, what can I learnfrom this?
And I got to tell you, Steve,there's been a lot of trouble in
paradise lately in my world.
My home, I've had some issueswith things here with the
developer with the insurancemarket with claims and all the
(19:25):
stuff going on.
And I have to take a step backand say, okay, this is a
learning opportunity for me.
I really need to take a stepback and focus on that.
What can I learn?
Steve (19:36):
I think that's definitely great advice.
After the storm, I had mentalhealth garbage for a week of not
feeling great, but even comingback to it, having to realize
that everything was okay nowmostly, or that I could have
good days and not still be sadbecause I had a couple rough
days, but to see when the painor like, when the hurt is
stopping and not holding on toit, and realize I'm like, no,
today was a good day.
It was negative in my head, andmy head wasn't the best today,
(19:59):
but the things that happened tome in a day have been great.
getting better and just tryingto remember that my head and my
like days are different.
I just have to be present in themoment and not fix it on what's
already happened or what mighthappen next.
Richard (20:11):
Fear of future.
That's I get that a lot.
I have to take a step back.
Stay in the now, right?
Steve (20:17):
Yeah, and you also in another form talked about how
you admire my authenticity, yourability to be forward about
things.
Tell me more about what you meanby that.
Richard (20:29):
Oh my gosh, Steve, I love it.
I'm so glad you're bringing thisup because I have listened to
your podcast and I've thought tomyself, Whoa, that's taboo.
I can't believe he's actuallysaying that on his podcast.
I think it's wonderful.
It's not even one thing.
I think it's your topics.
Some of the stuff that you talk,whether it be about, sex, those
(20:52):
are things that I have neverreally felt comfortable talking
about.
openly with people.
And it's funny recently.
I was floating down RainbowSprings with a bunch of, a
gaggle of gays.
And I was like, you know what?
I have never felt so sexuallyfree.
As I do today.
(21:14):
And there's always been thisshame or this guilt, or there's
something tied to it.
And now I just feel like I'mmoving into my, you're going to
laugh, my daddy era.
I'm in my forties and people arelike, Richard, like you look
better now than
Steve (21:30):
Yeah, we're either kiddo or we're daddy depending on who
we're talking to on the apps.
Richard (21:34):
I'm not 20 anymore.
And I'm certainly not in thatuncomfortable 30s, but like I'm
at a place where I feel reallycomfortable in my skin.
I feel comfortable taking myclothes off.
I feel comfortable, experiencingthings with people.
And you say it all out there andyou put it out there on your
podcast.
And I think that is so brave andso brilliant.
(21:57):
And I just got to say I give youprops for that.
It's very admirable.
And I don't know if anybody'sactually said that to you, but
from someone like me and by theway, I do also want to point out
that I think you look amazing.
I've seen what you've been doingwith your weight loss journey
and your fitness.
And you're killing it.
Keep it up.
Steve (22:16):
Funny that you say that because the podcast helped me
with all of this, because it'sbasically like practicing.
Like in my studio, but like whenwe met was like right around the
time where I like startedleaving my studio and actually
going out and just not justsaying it behind a microphone
but putting my Things that I wastalking about into action, so to
speak.
And with that you seeing me atFlorida Roundup, saw me on one
(22:36):
of my first big freedomweekends, where I was, like, out
there doing the thing on my own,and I had never done anything
like that before, ever.
So it's interesting you'reseeing me And I was like, brand
new, but I guess I had theconfidence where it didn't seem
brand new.
So I guess it's a similar thingwhere I've been struggling the
past couple weeks, personally,but I'm very big on everyone
that I've talked to has beenlike, but you seem good online,
and it's just I guess online andhow you present yourself online
(22:57):
is sometimes very different thanhow you are on the inside, but I
saw that out there, it lookslike I'm living the dream and
feeling great and feelingconfident.
Sometimes I feel like I justfake it till I make it, but at
least I'm still doing it.
Richard (23:09):
I do remember the first day I saw you at Crunch.
I was working out and I saw youand you were wearing this
bright, colorful shirt and I wasjust like, wow, he is okay in
his skin.
And I thought to myself, I wouldnever be able to wear something
so bright at the gym.
Look at me.
I'm very monochromatic, whateverthe term is.
(23:29):
But yeah, I've seen what you'vedone in such a short time.
I think it's about a year sincewe met.
But yeah, I think it's amazing.
I think it's amazing what you'vedone here and in service in
general.
This is a huge form of servicefor our community.
And thank you for that.
We need this.
Steve (23:49):
Thank you.
And any last bits of advice,tips and tricks for staying
sober, or living the best lifepossible?
Richard (23:57):
Stay close to the program.
Stay engaged.
Pick up the phone.
Call me.
Call another alcoholic.
That's all I can say.
So thank you.
Steve (24:08):
If someone heard you and resonated with you and wants to
connect, what would be the bestway to do that?
Either an email or an Instagramhandle, something like that?
Richard (24:16):
Yeah, absolutely.
I'm on IG.
I'm richarddean326.
Steve (24:20):
Excellent.
I'll link over to that for theshow notes for everyone.
And thank you so much, Richard.
It's been a pleasure.
Richard (24:25):
Thank you.
Steve (24:26):
And thank you listeners for tuning in to another episode
of Gay A.
Make sure you're followingwherever you're listening right
now so you can get these newepisodes when they drop every
Thursday morning.
And until next time, stay sober.
Hey there, everyone.
Welcome to Gay A, the QueerSober Hero Show.
I'm your host, Sober Steve, thepodcast guy, here today with 1,
251 Days of Sobriety, and herewith one of my sober IRL friends
in real life, Richard.
Hi, Richard.
Richard (00:19):
Hi.
Steve (00:21):
Welcome to the show.
Richard (00:23):
This is pretty.
Steve (00:25):
Yeah.
So for people who don't have thepleasure of already knowing you,
why don't you introduce yourselfthe way that us good old
alcoholics generally do?
Richard (00:33):
Oh my gosh, my name is Richard Dean, and I am an
alcoholic and a codependent.
Steve (00:40):
Excellent welcome to the show, and how long have you been
working a program of sorts?
Richard (00:46):
Wow.
So sobriety date is July 4th,2022.
However, I've been in and outsince 2007.
Steve (00:56):
Excellent.
We'll get more into that in amoment, but I like to start off
nice and light.
Why don't you share yourfavorite part of being sober
today?
Richard (01:05):
Oh my gosh.
Wow.
I guess I just, I'm going tohave to say it's afforded me an
amazing life and my career hasskyrocketed.
And I don't know, a life thatI've never dreamed possible.
So things are great.
Yeah,
Steve (01:23):
excellent.
I can't imagine going back atthis point because Sabrina's
been very kind to me.
And especially in sobriety, whatwould you say is your favorite
part of being a member of thequeer community or gay community
today?
Richard (01:35):
I like to think that I'm pretty tuned in to the
community I get out there for,All the events don't spend many
times and nights in barsanymore.
But I love just being out thereand, tied to our people, living
a life that's out free, gay, andhappy.
(01:56):
Excellent.
Steve (01:56):
Yes.
I voted
Richard (01:57):
today.
I voted today.
So that was big.
Steve (02:00):
Excellent.
With podcasting magic.
Today is the day that everyone'svoting.
I did it earlier by mail, sopeople don't come at me.
I just don't get into politicsgenerally.
Awesome.
I'm glad everyone is votingwho's needing to vote because we
need the votes, especiallypeople who probably like my
podcast generally will vote thesame way I would imagine.
So why don't we jump into thenthe thick of it.
(02:21):
Tell me a little bit about whatyour journey to get here today
was like.
Richard (02:24):
Oh it was rough.
Born and raised in Manchester,New Hampshire.
So I'm from the Northeast.
I used to be what's known as amass whole moved down here when
I was like 16.
By the time I got down here, Iwas already struggling with
coming out, my sexuality drugs,alcohol chaos, all got
introduced when I was 16.
(02:46):
Hit the clubs very early inlife, had a fake ID, doing that
lifestyle.
And that went on pretty muchsolid for 10 years.
10 years of chaos.
I don't know really where tostart.
2007 I ended up checking myselfinto rehab after struggling for
a long time.
I had no more friends, no morefamily.
(03:08):
I was actually 18.
Junkie.
What I classified as a junkie.
I was living behind a Barnes andNoble, sleeping next to a
dumpster when I was 24 yearsold.
Came in just desperately needingsome help.
Went to rehab 30 days,transitioned to a halfway house,
worked the program reallyaggressively, stayed sober for
(03:30):
four years.
And what happens after that wheneverything is good and life is
getting better.
I stopped going to meetings.
I was good.
I didn't need program.
I didn't need help.
I was good.
And eventually what happened?
I ordered that famous margarita,the margarita that kind of just
took me right back out to thesame chaos.
(03:53):
Yeah, that went on for anotherthree, four years and back and
forth, tried to get sober.
Geographical changes, right?
Philadelphia, Vegas, Orlando,Atlanta, Naples, Fort Myers.
It just, I was bouncing all overthe place.
For years.
And I was doing what my parentshad taught me best.
(04:15):
And I come from a family ofheavy drug addicts and I learned
all those things that you do,using my body to get myself out
there for sex and money and fora place to stay.
And it was just it was rough.
It was really rough for a longtime.
Sometime in 2012 I was workingfor the company I'm with now.
(04:38):
I had gotten a job for a localagency down in Naples.
And the gentleman that I hadworked for, I was honest at the
time.
I was just getting back into theprogram.
I was being honest with himabout my recovery and how I had
relapsed and so forth.
And he brought me on entry leveland I was working there driving
(05:02):
45 minutes every day to work.
And it was really crazy.
One Friday I was on my way home.
And my car blew up on thehighway.
And had only had three or fourmonths sober at that point after
my relapsing that first time.
And I went home, I cried, I wentto AA meetings.
(05:24):
I was calling everybody.
I was just like, Oh my God, Ican't keep this job.
And they were like, just stayclose to the program.
And pray to God and all this.
And that Sunday I sent an emailto my employer and I said,
Listen, I've decided that I'mgoing to have to give you my
notice.
This happened, my car and thevery next day, this employer
(05:46):
reaches out to me and he said, Iwould really like it if you'd
come down and pick up your lastpaycheck.
And is there any way you can getdown here?
And the drive was 45 minutes toan hour with Fort Myers Naples
traffic.
It was horrible.
And I made my way down there andI showed up and I walked in and
(06:06):
I said, listen, I'm reallysorry.
And he handed me the keys to abrand new car.
And it was crazy.
And I was like, I was instantlyin tears.
I was like, why are you doingthis?
And he was just like, just inthe amount of work and what I've
seen in just a short time withyou, I think that you're worth
it.
I am going to ask you for acommitment and so forth.
(06:28):
And at that point I realizedthat The universe was like
lining up for me, like theuniverse was telling me it's
okay.
You're going to get through thisand you're going to flourish
from this.
And I still tell that story allthe time because I'll always
remember him.
Unfortunately, that employer andI, we haven't spoken in many
years.
(06:49):
I've continued on since then,but that was like a turning
point in my recovery.
And that's really where Istarted to focus on the program.
Things at that point, justcontinued on career got better,
life got better.
I was boyfriends, arguments,Like the behavior patterns never
changed, right?
And so I continued on andeventually, as you recall we all
(07:13):
remember pulse 2016 and I hadsome friends who were tied into
that.
And it reconnected me with anold friend from there who was
working at pulse.
And we started a verycodependent relationship.
It was long distance back andforth.
And after a year of going backand forth, he finally said to
me, Hey, I would like you tomove up to Orlando.
(07:34):
So I said, I can't really dothat.
I have this whole career hereand everything was really
flourishing down, and, and so Idecided to take a chance.
I rented my home that I had onlybeen in for a year and a half,
and I moved off to Orlando and Imoved in with him and within 60
days.
Thanks.
What do you think happened?
We ended up parting ways and itjust, it was the same chaos that
(07:59):
was happening, when I was usingin, in all that, I have a
problem with people, places andthings.
I, at that point I feltdefeated.
I was still drinking.
I was still using at that point.
I had relapsed the second time,sometime in those few years.
And I said where am I going togo?
And I was looking at the wholecoast and I decided that I was
(08:21):
going to root myself inSarasota.
And crazy as that is, that was2017.
I started by acquiring anapartment in Sarasota.
I was still working for the sameperson in Fort Myers.
I was literally traveling backand forth every Monday, coming
home on Thursdays and Fridays.
And I started it all over againin Sarasota.
(08:43):
But when I got to Sarasota, Iknew I had to get sober.
And I walked into some rooms andI met some guys.
local community.
And it w people took me in.
I told the same, s again.
I went o to meet people.
I met my because yes, as livingall those character defects out,
(09:08):
still arguing and raging andcontrolling and manipulating and
all this stuff.
And eventually that marriagefell apart and it took me out
for four days in 2022, which wasmy last relapse.
And Those four days were prettyrough.
I ended up am I allowed to saythis?
Am I allowed to say that I wentout on four eight balls pretty
(09:29):
much trying to kill myself atthat point?
So yeah, that is what happened.
I was in a hotel room with foureight balls by myself, just
ready to end all.
And It was rough.
It was rough.
But I knew the people in theprogram and I knew I had to do
something and I had built thisamazing career for myself.
I started my company in 2019.
(09:52):
Six months before COVID, it wasreally scary because COVID
happened and then we had totransition to remote.
And I, now everybody'scomfortable with it and we are
too.
But I had invested every dime ofmy money into this company and I
was like, oh my gosh, I totallyunderstand why my marriage
(10:12):
failed.
I was living in fear every dayof losing financial insecurity.
I was lashing out, I was takingit out on this victim, right?
This hostage that I had takenthrough the five years of my
marriage.
And I ended up reaching out to afriend.
I got back to the rooms july 4thof 22.
I just cleared it away.
And I was introduced toCodependence Anonymous at that
(10:34):
point.
And I don't know if there'ssomething very different between
the two, but CODA really helpedme understand more about myself
and my behavior patterns andwhere I had learned them.
And I don't know the step workwas very different.
The approach to looking atyourself was different, and I
(10:56):
feel like that was eye openingand boundaries.
I learned boundaries at thatpoint.
I learned that I was okay livingalone, being alone.
I've been living alone for twoyears since my divorce.
I'm dipping my toe in the waterdating these days, but I am
living alone.
I'm not jumping into anything.
But it taught me a lot aboutmyself and I worked those 12
(11:19):
steps and I stayed close to a.
And Coda.
And now is a blessing.
I have clarity in my life and Ihave sponsees.
I have four sponsees now and Ihave a fellowship and I'm
getting choked up and this isthe part that makes me tear up
is realized how much how manyblessings that I had in my life
(11:39):
until I got into the programthis last time.
I feel like I really needed toexperience that relapse.
It brought clarity and I have arelationship with my family now
up in the northeast Manchester.
My cousins and I are much closertoday.
I've met you through thisprogram.
And recently moved over thebridge to St.
(12:01):
Pete and I gotta say I feel likeI found my people my area and a
lot of people have beenincluding you.
A lot of people have madecomments about, things that have
changed in me this past year.
Just I feel like I'm healthier,I'm happier.
I'm able to be myself.
I still have my amazing businessin Sarasota.
(12:23):
I have my staff over there.
I have my community there.
I'm still involved in kickballand other organizations over
there.
But Being here in St.
Pete is different, like nojudgment, no fear, and
Steve (12:36):
Come on over!
Richard (12:44):
I'm walking distance.
So it's been amazing.
So by the way, do you, Oh, wait,do you like my big cock?
Can you tell everybody sees mybig cock here, right?
Yeah.
So I'm
Steve (13:00):
sure.
Richard (13:01):
Yes, that's right.
But it's really been amazing.
Not really much more.
I can say, I'm happy and healthyand joyous and free.
Steve (13:10):
Yeah thank you so much, especially sharing your stories
of Relapse.
This is my first go around,thankfully, because people like
you share.
That it's not any better outthere.
And when I think about alcohol,like I think of it very much
kind of the way you talked aboutwith those eight balls is I
don't think about alcohol.
Oh, I would go out and have adrink to have fun.
If I think about drinking again,it's I'm going to have the five
bottles next to me and I'm goingto drink them all until I go
(13:31):
into a coma and that will be howI die, like literally, but
that's where it is, at least forme is like to drink.
I know is to die because Iwouldn't have anything that I
have today.
If I started drinking again, itwould all just go away.
Richard (13:42):
Are you a one chip wonder good for you.
That's awesome.
Steve (13:45):
I started this podcast And it's all of you like sharing
that help with that.
So thank you And with that likeI know that you have all these
blessings and you get choked upover how awesome they are But
i'm sure that in sobriety eventhis go around life's throwing
you some shit balls Like how doyou get through the hard times
and stay sober?
Richard (14:03):
I, it's all about fellowship, right?
I didn't say it, but as I'm inthe field of insurance.
And as we've had a pretty roughhurricane season.
So everybody's ah, Florida,right?
But this past few months havejust really been heartbreaking
for all these families that wereaffected and so forth.
But I stay close to the program.
Every morning I do a seven a.
(14:24):
m.
A.
meeting on zoom.
Love Zoom for that.
I have a community all over thecountry that goes to that.
I have CODA in the evening,several days a week on Zoom.
I have in person meetings duringthe week with my AA fellowship
here, but I stay very muchengaged and I pick up the phone.
I call people.
(14:45):
I never liked calling people,but I stay connected.
And I'm honest.
And lately, I gotta tell you,I've been acting out on some
character defects.
I've had a lot of changehappening in my life.
Steve, I gotta be honest withyou here.
I've had some character defectsthat have been rearing their
heads and I'm like, no, I don'twant to be that person.
(15:08):
I don't like being that personand i've had to say them out
loud.
So i've been dipping my toe inthe dating pool.
And as today It's like you haveto be honest with people And if
i'm not feeling it, I gotta tellyou right I don't want to string
you along and hurt you down theroad.
So those are little things thatI'm seeing like pop up.
(15:28):
It's been eye opening.
That's all I'll say.
Steve (15:32):
Yeah.
I can definitely see that beingtricky.
I know like even for me, in myexperience It's interesting in
sobriety having to have certainstandards that you hold yourself
to and realizing that sometimesthe kindest thing you can do is
be clear and give someone someinformation that they don't
necessarily want to hear.
But that can be kindness in itsown way.
So I definitely can understandthat.
(15:53):
And I also am interested becauseI can see how with alcohol
drugs, it's very clear when youhave a relapse, but I can
imagine with somethingcodependent relationships, it
can be a little bit grayer as towhen it's maybe dipping into old
character defects versus havinga full on emotional relapse or
something.
How do you navigate or balancethat?
Richard (16:12):
In the beginning in CODA, the cool thing is we got
like, All the characters,patterns and characteristics of
a codependent.
And it's funny.
I check marked every box, right?
I was like, that's me.
That's me.
That's me.
But I think just being veryaware today of those things.
Yeah.
Can things come about andhappen?
Yes.
(16:33):
Maybe I didn't want to say yesto that person.
Maybe I should have said no tothat person.
I recently started seeingsomebody like a month ago when
it was going really well, therewasn't any chemistry, but I
enjoyed the validation and thecommunication I was having with
that person.
So what did I do?
I dragged it along a littlewhile longer, and then when it
(16:54):
came down to it, he was like,hey, is this going anywhere?
And I'm like, no, it's not.
I should have been honest fromthe get go.
Just being aware, holdingyourself accountable and,
talking to other as I havecodependency and alcoholics,
right?
Yeah,
Steve (17:12):
I definitely community is key and helps so much with
everything that you can gothrough with that and everything
else.
It seems I know that it's alsolike easy to not reach out to
community when things startbothering you.
So having all those meetingshelps.
What else keeps you sober today?
Richard (17:30):
What else keeps me sober today?
I'm big on prayer.
It's like my thing.
I have a problem talking aboutit because I was raised Catholic
and the judgment that came withthat.
But I'm big on prayer.
I spend about 20 minutes in themorning reading several dailies
and then I spend some timemeditating.
I enjoy my solitude today.
(17:51):
Got some really rough news withthe company today I took an hour
rather than take a lunch,grabbed a bite to eat and I went
and sat in the dark and I justcentered myself and I also
wanted to make sure I wascentered for this was a little
anxious to get on here with you,but staying close to my higher
power, which is the universe.
I feel like there's like sourceenergy out there that kind of
(18:12):
just.
If it feels right, you just movewith it, right?
Steve (18:16):
Yeah, it's definitely easy to know that and then when
you feel it pulling you andsometimes you're like, no, I
want to stay where I am.
It's comfortable.
I don't like beinguncomfortable, but normally in
sobriety, like I've learned,like the more uncomfortable I
am, the generally the better itgets.
So with that, with prayers andalso we have in our programs,
all these sayings and things toremember that help us get
(18:37):
through tough times.
Do you have a favorite saying orphrase or prayer?
Richard (18:41):
When adversity presents itself, there's opportunity
around the corner.
That is something that I havebeen saying over and over again
the past few months.
When adversity presents itself,there's opportunity around the
corner.
Steve (18:58):
That sounds great.
And what does that mean to you?
Tell me more.
Richard (19:01):
Oh my gosh no.
When there's trouble inparadise, I need to, rather than
saying, why is this happening tome?
I need to say, what can I learnfrom this?
And I got to tell you, Steve,there's been a lot of trouble in
paradise lately in my world.
My home, I've had some issueswith things here with the
developer with the insurancemarket with claims and all the
(19:25):
stuff going on.
And I have to take a step backand say, okay, this is a
learning opportunity for me.
I really need to take a stepback and focus on that.
What can I learn?
Steve (19:36):
I think that's definitely great advice.
After the storm, I had mentalhealth garbage for a week of not
feeling great, but even comingback to it, having to realize
that everything was okay nowmostly, or that I could have
good days and not still be sadbecause I had a couple rough
days, but to see when the painor like, when the hurt is
stopping and not holding on toit, and realize I'm like, no,
today was a good day.
It was negative in my head, andmy head wasn't the best today,
(19:59):
but the things that happened tome in a day have been great.
getting better and just tryingto remember that my head and my
like days are different.
I just have to be present in themoment and not fix it on what's
already happened or what mighthappen next.
Richard (20:11):
Fear of future.
That's I get that a lot.
I have to take a step back.
Stay in the now, right?
Steve (20:17):
Yeah, and you also in another form talked about how
you admire my authenticity, yourability to be forward about
things.
Tell me more about what you meanby that.
Richard (20:29):
Oh my gosh, Steve, I love it.
I'm so glad you're bringing thisup because I have listened to
your podcast and I've thought tomyself, Whoa, that's taboo.
I can't believe he's actuallysaying that on his podcast.
I think it's wonderful.
It's not even one thing.
I think it's your topics.
Some of the stuff that you talk,whether it be about, sex, those
(20:52):
are things that I have neverreally felt comfortable talking
about.
openly with people.
And it's funny recently.
I was floating down RainbowSprings with a bunch of, a
gaggle of gays.
And I was like, you know what?
I have never felt so sexuallyfree.
As I do today.
(21:14):
And there's always been thisshame or this guilt, or there's
something tied to it.
And now I just feel like I'mmoving into my, you're going to
laugh, my daddy era.
I'm in my forties and people arelike, Richard, like you look
better now than
Steve (21:30):
Yeah, we're either kiddo or we're daddy depending on who
we're talking to on the apps.
Richard (21:34):
I'm not 20 anymore.
And I'm certainly not in thatuncomfortable 30s, but like I'm
at a place where I feel reallycomfortable in my skin.
I feel comfortable taking myclothes off.
I feel comfortable, experiencingthings with people.
And you say it all out there andyou put it out there on your
podcast.
And I think that is so brave andso brilliant.
(21:57):
And I just got to say I give youprops for that.
It's very admirable.
And I don't know if anybody'sactually said that to you, but
from someone like me and by theway, I do also want to point out
that I think you look amazing.
I've seen what you've been doingwith your weight loss journey
and your fitness.
And you're killing it.
Keep it up.
Steve (22:16):
Funny that you say that because the podcast helped me
with all of this, because it'sbasically like practicing.
Like in my studio, but like whenwe met was like right around the
time where I like startedleaving my studio and actually
going out and just not justsaying it behind a microphone
but putting my Things that I wastalking about into action, so to
speak.
And with that you seeing me atFlorida Roundup, saw me on one
(22:36):
of my first big freedomweekends, where I was, like, out
there doing the thing on my own,and I had never done anything
like that before, ever.
So it's interesting you'reseeing me And I was like, brand
new, but I guess I had theconfidence where it didn't seem
brand new.
So I guess it's a similar thingwhere I've been struggling the
past couple weeks, personally,but I'm very big on everyone
that I've talked to has beenlike, but you seem good online,
and it's just I guess online andhow you present yourself online
(22:57):
is sometimes very different thanhow you are on the inside, but I
saw that out there, it lookslike I'm living the dream and
feeling great and feelingconfident.
Sometimes I feel like I justfake it till I make it, but at
least I'm still doing it.
Richard (23:09):
I do remember the first day I saw you at Crunch.
I was working out and I saw youand you were wearing this
bright, colorful shirt and I wasjust like, wow, he is okay in
his skin.
And I thought to myself, I wouldnever be able to wear something
so bright at the gym.
Look at me.
I'm very monochromatic, whateverthe term is.
(23:29):
But yeah, I've seen what you'vedone in such a short time.
I think it's about a year sincewe met.
But yeah, I think it's amazing.
I think it's amazing what you'vedone here and in service in
general.
This is a huge form of servicefor our community.
And thank you for that.
We need this.
Steve (23:49):
Thank you.
And any last bits of advice,tips and tricks for staying
sober, or living the best lifepossible?
Richard (23:57):
Stay close to the program.
Stay engaged.
Pick up the phone.
Call me.
Call another alcoholic.
That's all I can say.
So thank you.
Steve (24:08):
If someone heard you and resonated with you and wants to
connect, what would be the bestway to do that?
Either an email or an Instagramhandle, something like that?
Richard (24:16):
Yeah, absolutely.
I'm on IG.
I'm richarddean326.
Steve (24:20):
Excellent.
I'll link over to that for theshow notes for everyone.
And thank you so much, Richard.
It's been a pleasure.
Richard (24:25):
Thank you.
Steve (24:26):
And thank you listeners for tuning in to another episode
of Gay A.
Make sure you're followingwherever you're listening right
now so you can get these newepisodes when they drop every
Thursday morning.
And until next time, stay sober.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.