From 13-Year-Old Trailer Park Dealer to Using Every Drug Imaginable to How I Recovered | Ep 75 - Get a Grip Podcast

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
This is what my daughter sent meon my one year on August 3rd.
It says one year sober. Who would have thought you made
it so far? Dad, I'm so proud of you.
You're so amazing in many ways and the best 1A father you know.
I needed you and you grew and made it to look where you are.
It's never too late and I'm so glad to have you.
I love you with all my heart. Wider in the sky with no ending.

(00:26):
You got this, keep going and thriving.
All the haters are feeding off your success because they
couldn't do what you did in a year if they tried.
God works in mysterious ways, and he knew you had a reason to
be here. And that's just damn, she's
smart. Yeah, damn, bro.
And that's just, that's just what it's about now, you know,
like life's cool, life's good life be happening.

(00:50):
It's just, it's unimaginable to think where I'm at and just to
think of like, 'cause I don't, like I don't, I try not the
future trip. Like I have goals and stuff, you
know what I mean? But I just try to, I just try to
stay focused on the day. Man, my life's great.
I wake up, I pray, I go to work,I do my part and I I go over my
day. And if I could have done better,
I put it down in my daily inventory and I try to correct

(01:11):
it. All the time bro CBCF was always
hearing that say not a maker. Yeah, all the.
CEOs, everybody being. Called by your last name.

(01:31):
Well, like an infamous last name.
Yeah. And people, Yeah, 'cause it's
from Joe Dirt. I don't know if you've seen Joe
Dirt. Oh is it?
I have. Joe Dirt's real name.
When he gets bit by the alligator and she gets slammed.
I didn't know that. That's why Dad named you Joe
Dirt. So not a maker.
Oh, Richie. Then oh right, we have Devin.
Yes, Sir. None of Maker.
None of Maker. That's my Mama named me.

(01:53):
None of Maker. Not dirt I'm sorry for.
You and I'm sorry for your children it's one of those
things you just can't do anything about Yeah, it's accept
and then. I got a weird one too in my last
name. It was Essig.
I mean like. Hey Sig.
And it means like, I make clothings for nuns, so yeah.
Mine means vinegar. Are you making vinegar?

(02:14):
Yes. They just call me garlic bread,
Erin. Garlic bread in school.
So yeah. Yeah, well, I guess we're past
the childhood traumas of our last.
Name. Probably get into.
It you're from here, yes. Yeah, West side of Columbus,
Yeah, man. But I, I West Side, yeah, I
bounced around everywhere, a little bit of everywhere.
Is this your first time meeting dev?
No, no. Mind if I call you dev?
Yeah, Dev, Nutter, maker, dirt, you know what I mean?

(02:35):
Whatever you're comfortable with, man, I'm just going to
accept it. Yeah, I love that about you
already. Give us give us a rundown of how
you grew up, man. Rundown single mom.
Well, my mom wasn't single at first.
Her and my dad. My mom was a alcoholic.
My dad is a drug addict too. I have a brother and he has
cerebral palsy. Once my mom had my brother, she

(02:57):
left my dad. She that dealt with like a lot
of domestic violence. I mean, she had her own
problems. She he had his.
It is what it is. They went their separate ways.
So I was just single mom. She's alcoholic.
She's doing the best she can. I used to think my childhood was
so traumatic and really dude, mymom was doing the best she could
for me. You know what I mean?
Like no actuality it, it was just a struggle.

(03:18):
It was, it is what it is. She had a few boyfriends that
really, really I clung to, but it was so unsteady because like,
I think we lived in Ohio, then we moved down to Alabama.
We lived in Florida, lived in West Virginia, you know, I mean,
it was just constantly bouncing around everywhere.
So these step dads would come into your life and you'd be
like, oh, like. I like this.

(03:39):
Guy, I got a guy that I look up to or whatever, role model,
whatever, as a kid, that's what you want.
Yeah. And then they were.
They'd be gone. Yeah.
And then yeah, it just, it is what it is.
I kind of just got used to it and good thing about each one of
them, like knew some kind of different trade.
So like very young, I was learning all kinds of different
cool shit. My favorite one that was down in
Florida, like one of my best childhoods was when my, when my

(04:02):
mom was with this man named Jake.
He was a good dude. There was a whole lot going on
behind the scenes, 'cause as a kid, you know what I mean?
You don't see. That yeah, I don't see that
shit, you know, I mean, I see all the alcohol, I see all that
shit like that. I just thought that was
something normal in life, you know what I mean?
It is, it is what it is. But there was a lot more going
on now that I got older. But you know, he fucking had his
own business. He laid tile and that's probably
the best time I had down there because his family, like they

(04:25):
took me on. They took me and my brother like
we was theirs. You know, my brother was had had
cerebral palsy. He couldn't walk.
You have a twin. You have a twin.
No, no. For some reason I thought you.
Did No, I got well I'll tell youlater on, I got like 5 other
brothers and sisters like my dadhad other other kids and they're
awesome too. They're incredible.
I didn't meet them, so I was like 13 and but anyways,

(04:46):
childhood was good, you know what I mean?
I mean, I at the time I didn't think it was the greatest
because, oh, when I was young, Ithought my childhood was good.
As I got into my teenage years, that's when I was like, man,
this just sucks, you know what Imean?
Like, but a lot of a lot more sort of happening.
I played sports, my mom was always fucking.
We used clothes wearing whateverfucking thrift store.

(05:07):
It is what it is. But I was just grateful to have
all that shit. We didn't really go without.
I mean, there was times like I went to foster home, I think
twice, but my mom came and got me back.
You know what I mean? She came and got me back.
How does that work? Can you do that?
Like, I didn't know you could dothat.
Yeah, I mean, I mean, I, I mean,I just remember there was one,
the one foster home. I was like, I fucking hated it.

(05:28):
But they can just like drop like.
No, like they came and they cameand took me away and put me into
another house and then my mom did her part and got me back.
Why they take it away to begin with?
I mean, I honestly don't even know.
I think I don't between my mom couldn't handle me and just, I
mean, she was, you know, she wasan alcoholic too.
And I, I really never really have asked details of why I was

(05:51):
taken or what happened or. But it's crazy 'cause this day
there was actually their names, Howard and Louise Yoder that are
out in Plain City and we're still in contact with him.
Like, huh. All these years.
Yeah. All these years later, they
constantly tell him I'm foster parents.
Yeah, they just 'cause they werereally good people.
You know, actually, it's where Ilearned to.
I learned to ride a bike withouttraining wheels there.
So like my mom got me back home and I went back home and I was

(06:14):
like, I was all geeked up. Like mom, look what I learned to
do. I got hopped on the bike road
and just bit the dirt. Like Bam said, wow.
But immediately right. Yeah, immediately.
Right, great job. You're gonna need to foster
hair. Is it weird?
Because like now you have strangers telling you what to do
and like. I think I.
Are you like fuck you guys? Like immediately.
No, I mean, I don't think I was really too rebellious as a kid.

(06:36):
I was really just accepting the situation because it wasn't like
everything was just all over theplace.
Like I get somewhere, get structurally sound and they get
comfortable and then I have to go.
We moved to another state and have to make new friends and do
all this stuff. So I kind of like, I just, I
mean, I was like the way it was just the way it was, you know?
And then I mean, of course it was different.
But like, like I said, the one foster home, it was fucking
horrible. It was terrible.

(06:57):
In what way? It just, I don't like it didn't
even feel like they gave a fuck,you know what I mean?
Like they didn't give a shit. Shit, it's all locked up and
like it was just. Different food.
Yeah, food. The Band.
They get paid for that, right? Oh yeah.
They I would assume, I would assume for that, but I got out
of that one pretty quickly. I got to go back home and then
but Howard and Louise, man, theywere really, they were really

(07:19):
good. They're Christian going people.
They they're well known now in plain city.
Like I had a lot of good memories there too.
They were really good people andlike I said, they constantly, my
mom lives like 5 minutes away from them now in plain city.
So and like I said, it was always asking about them.
So all that matters though is I got to go back.
My mom got me back, you know what I mean?
Because dude, I have two kids that were adopted out.

(07:40):
I'll eventually tell you later on, because I was so strung out,
because eventually I started being an IV drug user and like,
we're getting calls to have like, check on the kids, this
and that. And it's like I, I couldn't give
them a life that they deserve, you know what I mean?
I couldn't. And then I got to meet these
people that couldn't have kids, that wanted kids and we're
living a great life, you know what I mean?

(08:00):
So I had to give them up, you know, and I mean, they're living
a better life. And later on, if I eventually
get to see them, which, you know, that'd be great.
If not, you know, it is what it is.
Yeah, but. You did what was best for them
at the. Time yes, yeah.
And that was a hard pill to swallow because even as like,
like, I can do this, I can take care of them.

(08:20):
No, I couldn't even fucking takecare of myself.
Couldn't even fucking take care of myself.
You know I mean, that was a hardpill to swallow.
It really was. But you know, they're they're
living their best life and they're being taken care of.
But like I said, Florida was great played sports.
We're getting bounced around everywhere.
We was down in Florida, then we went back, went to Alabama,

(08:41):
'cause my mom and them eventually my mom left Jake.
And then that's when, when my mom left Jake, I was like 1011.
We moved to Alabama. We was there for a little bit
'cause my uncle Craig lived there.
And then like 1213, 'cause I've like I've drank.
Then I can't tell you when I didmy first drink.
I don't honestly remember. Like when people say they

(09:01):
remember their shit, I don't because I was always like, I
think there's like time when I was like 6 New Year's and I'd go
steal like what everybody was. Drinking like my drink bottle?
My whole fucking manipulative flying behaviors like started
when I was a kid and it was before drugs even happened type
shit. But yeah, I was just always
dibbly down when I drink here and there.
There's time down in Florida. Like I mixed Hawaiian Punch with

(09:23):
my Bud Light just to do. Yeah, it was horrible, bro.
It was horrible. Why would you ever do that?
I don't know. Because I thought I was going to
make the taste better, you know,I was a kid.
Why am Oh? I think I just smoked weed down
in Florida too. Like it was just, I mean, it was
just whatever, but it was nothing that was out of control
at the time. I didn't realize it would would

(09:44):
have been because like how? How old are you?
When down in Florida, I was like, this is between 10:00 and
12:00. Like that's when we start
drinking. And like I said prior before
that I probably would sneak drinks or do this and do that.
But 10 and 12 is kind of like when the alcohol and weed
started. But when we left Florida or
moved to Alabama, my life got chaotic when we came from

(10:04):
Alabama to Ohio. This is my mom's.
She's on her own. There's no man.
And like, mind you, between thistime, like as I'm getting older,
my responsibilities for my brother are getting more because
my brother can't walk. You know what I mean?
So we don't. My mom always got him to his
appointments, just like he had to wear braces.
He was constantly going through surgeries on his hips, like it

(10:26):
was a handful, but my mom did it, you know?
So I was going to ask, like, howwho's taking care of what?
Like what's that division of Labor look like as far as taking
care of your brother? As a kid, my mom was on it like,
you know what I mean? My mom was on that shit.
Like she would have help. Of course the family, because my
family like was a very fucking chaotic family, you know, a

(10:46):
party and this and that. But like they all looked out for
one another. So I mean, my mom always did her
part. But just as I got older, I think
like the alcohol, if it just progressed then like hearing
this, like people's leads and the women's leads and like at
meetings, you know what I mean? I got a better understanding of
like what my mom was going through now that I understand
what I'm going through. So it's just me being my

(11:10):
brother. Like I felt like I should have
had like my brother didn't have legs.
I did. Why didn't God do that to me?
Because for real, I think that was like one of my biggest
resentments against God is like,why did my, why did God do that
to my brother, you know, and notme?
So I felt entitled to help and take care and help with my
brother, you know, So it wasn't so much so much my mom pushed it
on me. I just felt it was.
Your duty. My duty, you know, and then my

(11:33):
mom would like use that, of course.
But like when we came back up toFlorida or came back from
Alabama, like shit started getting real.
Like this is when I started drinking heavy.
We moved to Orient OH, and we lived in a trailer park and like
started hanging out like with everybody, whatever.
And it got to the point where ifyou're going to do it, you're
going to do it here with me, youknow.

(11:53):
So our trailer was the was the spot, man, It was it was the
spot. And then there was a bar down
the street called the Darby Tavern.
I would constantly have to go down there sometimes to get my
mom from the bar and walk down there or like there be times
when my mom wouldn't come home for a little bit or just like
shit like that. And this is like before cell
phones. This is like when house phones

(12:14):
and shit we're thing like and like I had to take care of my
brother, you know what I mean? Like I wouldn't trade it for
anything in the world. I love that little dude and I
love my mom too. But that shit, it started
putting a toll on me because like, I'm a kid too, myself.
Yeah, that's a lot of responsibility.
I'm just going through. I'm fucking I'm just learning
about feelings and fucking all this shit and my my family was

(12:39):
more so just get over it type shit, you know, I mean,
especially my grandpa George. He was like ain't trying to hear
that shit. My my mom because he'll he'll
chew that fucking I suck it up. Was he?
In the military, Military man. I don't think so.
I think his dad was though. But it's just he was, he wasn't.
He was an alcoholic too and he he isn't no more.
It's just how you just old school built.

(13:00):
You know how they are back in the day.
Just suck it up. Get the fuck over it if you want
to pat on your ass. You know your life, your.
Bootstraps and get it done. Did your, did your brother ever
like, dabble on drinking? Or something.
This is what she got. Like man, it was fun because
like and the trailer park, everybody knew like, because I
dealt with like you ain't about to bully my brother, you know

(13:21):
what I mean? I saw like I was always sticking
up for him, you know what I mean?
And like even in high school andstuff, I've always I always got
along with everybody. I just tried to be that person
because I didn't want people picking on my brother type shit.
And like he was always included because he was always there.
So I'm like, I'm I'm partying. I'm like bucket here.
You can have a beer too, you know what I mean?
But in the trailer park in Orient, man, like what happened?

(13:47):
I don't know if I got it mixed up.
We moved so much, but anytime some at some point in time when
we come back to from Florida andAlabama, I'm going to school and
I'm like, I did good in school, you know, I mean, I did, I was
doing my part. I got good grades.
And no, this is when we lived inLondon.
Sorry, but London, Oh yeah, London.
OH, I'm about to get an argumentwith this kid because like they
put us in a group at school and like everybody's got to like

(14:09):
chip in and do their part and fucking it's one kids like I
ain't doing shit, you know, I mean, I'm like, bro, you're
going to have to do something mine.
You don't know him from nothing.We're about to we start arguing
and this and that. They send us home and I go home
and I tell my mom she's like, what the fuck are you doing in
school? Acting stupid?
You're grounded. You know what I mean?
My groundings didn't last long. She's like, just go the fuck

(14:30):
outside, never mind disappear for an hour.
Come back when the street lightsare on type shit or check in in
an hour. That type shit.
But I come back to school the next day and the the kid I got,
his name's Jordan. He got the kid.
I was arguing with Jordan. He went home and told his
grandma, like, yeah, Grandma is fucking kid.
Devin just came up from Florida,and she was like, Jordan is his

(14:52):
last name. Nuna Maker.
This is a true story, swear to God.
And. And he was like, grandma, how
the fuck do you know that? She's like, Jordan, That's your
brother. Yeah.
So he comes in because, like, fucking yeah.
He's coming up to me in the hallway.
And I'm like, this is where I start figuring out that I have
other brothers and stuff. And he's like, bro, who's your
dad? Yeah, He's like, bro, who's your

(15:13):
dad? And I'm like, man, I don't know
him. I think his name's like, Jimmy,
Jimmy Bradford or something. He's like your mom's Beth.
And I'm like, who the fuck are you, bro?
He's like, bro, we got the same dad, you know what I mean?
Grandma's wow, bro. And then so I'm like, bullshit,
you know? So when we leave school, we walk
over to my house and I'm like, mom, She's like, what?

(15:34):
I'm like, this is the guy I was arguing with yesterday.
She said, you guys are friends now.
I said you know him. She's like, no fuck, I don't.
I said his name is Jordan, it's Jimmy's son.
She said fuck, she's like, she just tried to keep us away.
Wow. And then come to find out my mom
help name Jordan because wow. Imagine that bro you're about to

(15:55):
like. You're getting into it with some
dude at school and then you findout he's your fucking brother.
Yeah, damn. So that happened actually before
Orient because I kind of scoopedahead because then we went from
London, then we went back to Orient.
And then mind you, like my dad and all them are from the West
side, the West side of Columbus,you know.
So I start interacting with themlike I'm starting to hang out

(16:15):
with older people and me like, 'cause when we were my brother
at home and we need something, if my mom's not there and I have
to walk down or take a ride withme and my, me and the guys would
go down there anyways, 'cause wego down there and steal liquor
and fucking whatever. So we go down there and I like
act like I'm buying some shit for the house.
So I started selling weed. You know what I mean?
Started selling weed, started doing this shit like 1314 years

(16:36):
old, having house parties and shit.
And mind you, I'm doing like this is back when like little
pain pills were the thing and whatever.
Likes and perks. Likes and perks.
And who are your customers at 13?
The older kids in high school. Really.
Yeah. And then this, the whole trailer
park, like everybody 1415 buyingweed, doing this and that.
And then older people too, you know, there's like.

(16:57):
Because that's when, like, everybody talks about their
first drink. Like I believe there's more
junkies now than drunk drunkies.Like, probably.
Yeah, you know what I mean? And like the one that got a hold
of me was pain pills. Oh, yeah, I'm selling weed,
dude. And it's one of my it's actually
one of my older friends's dad. He's doing pill runs.
And this is before I knew about pill runs or really how pills

(17:19):
are coming in. Down to Florida.
Yeah, I don't know. I don't, I don't know his
location where he was getting them.
I just know he was getting the red OC 60s.
Yeah, and I'm 1314 years old andhe's like, dude, I'll give you
10 of these for 1/2 ounce of weed.
And I'm like, huh, I didn't knowhow much they were like how much
I could sell these things for. You know what they were?
No, I just, I just, he's like, you can sell them, youngster.

(17:40):
And I'm like, fuck, if I can make a dollar, let's go.
I called my buddy and I'm like, bro, what are these?
He's like, that's a jackpot. You know what I mean?
Like you know what you have? I'm like, no, is it worth money?
You know? So for the first little bit I
wasn't doing them, but then likebecause when people would come
and buy them or whatever, they would just grab it and run.
Then they'd be like, oh, becauseif my mom was there, I wouldn't
let them like do that kind of shit.

(18:02):
Or I'd meet him outside. But then like times when my mom
wasn't there, I'm like come in the house and then they start,
I'd see the process. They're taking the coating off
this pill. They're like crushing it down.
Like they look like shit before they do it.
You know what I mean? And I'm like, I'm not
understanding what's going on. And then they do it and then
they're. Like, yeah, Popeye moment, yeah.

(18:24):
And that's just, that's just what happened, man.
Because like I said, I've always, always dibbled or
dabbled with shit. Freaking ecstasy, freaking
shrooms, acid freaking. It's just this is just having
fun because eventually, like, I wasn't like I would go to
school, but after having to wakeup, I'd have to.
I'd have to run my brother's bathwater, I'd have to get him
in the bath. I'd have to change change.

(18:44):
All this when you wake up. Yeah, when I wake up because his
bus came before mine. Golly.
And you know, change his diaper,get him clothes, get him ready,
help, make sure to help him withhis homework.
And my my Mama would do it too. But more so, I would do it.
More. Yeah.
Yeah, you know. What I mean because after a long
night, my mom wasn't trying to get up, which I understand now.
Wow. And Wheeling him down the steps,

(19:04):
you know, getting him to the bus.
And then I get like get myself to the school when eventually I
just said fuck school, You know what I mean?
Like. It's a lot of responsibility,
yeah. Like for someone that age.
Yeah, and then I'm just so caught up in what I'm doing.
I think what I'm doing is normal, you know?
And my teachers always told me this shit, like, man, you could
really be somebody if you just excel yourself.
Just applied yourself, yeah, gotto hate that you have so much

(19:27):
potential. Yeah, and.
Potential. Yeah, that's the word.
But so I was more so just my brother was good.
He was getting on the bus, he was getting off the bus and we
just having fun. And I didn't know what I was
getting myself into. I didn't know one day I don't
know. I was just having a fucking just
having a moment and I was like, I didn't have like fucking

(19:49):
something else other to do. So I I took one of them Oxys and
I took the coating off and. Yeah, you do A whole pill?
No, Hell no. Hey, man.
No, but I did 1/2 of. One did it or you snorted it?
I snorted. It and I started doing it.
I did a half of 1 dude and I was.
Fucked. I think I was on the verge of
overdosing, but then like once I've snapped out of it, man, it

(20:11):
was just. Euphoric.
Man like pleasure, weed out haul, yeah like nothing could
compare to that like I. Made it to the promised land.
Yeah, dude, I've made it like, and I didn't know about
addiction. I really didn't because like, my
mom held hers off. Well, you know what I mean?
It was all mom just didn't feel good or something.
Or it was a long night. Yeah, yeah.

(20:32):
And it just that's where it all started and like few months go
by. I'm not thinking nothing of it.
They're here, I have them, I maybe able to get them.
I don't have none. So you're doing after that first
time you're doing them on a regular basis?
Well, I didn't do them on a regular, but it got to a
regular. Really.
Fast. And then like, I didn't have
none. I just thought I was sick, you

(20:53):
know what I mean? And then dude, he's already, I
guess he's going to the doctor or something.
And because he's calling my phone and he's like, hey, what
are you doing? And I'm like, I'm not fucking
with you today, but I don't feelgood, you know what I mean?
He's like, well, I'll be home tomorrow and we'll need some
weed. I'm like, if I feel better, you
can come by. He said he didn't say anything,
but he just like, he's like, I'll be there tomorrow and I'm

(21:15):
like, no, he won't. Not if I don't feel better.
He and he, like I didn't answer his calls and then he ended up
coming to the door and he's like, youngster, I told you not
to fuck with these things and I'm like, I'm not.
Like bro, clearly, clearly. Yeah, right.
And yeah, that's, that was the moment for me because once I
did, once he came back and I didthat pill and I wasn't fucking

(21:38):
feeling like straight death. That was like on Day 2.
Buddy. And I was like fuck and I'm like
14 years old bro jeez I'm 14 yesmy mom I just told played it off
like mom, I don't feel good. I drank too much.
Sick as a dog, sick as a dog and.
It's funny because, like, this guy has the cure to your ailment
and he's like, you know, trying to get to you.
Yeah, like, no, but I don't feelgood.

(21:59):
I'll call you when I do. And then that moment, man, is
that's that's when it was just, that was it for me.
Like I'm selling weed, like doing my thing, like I wasn't
bawling or nothing, but it was just I was young.
I didn't have no responsibilities but to take
care of me and make sure my brother was good and.
Did you know when you got right when the guy came over like, oh

(22:19):
man, this is yeah, this is I. Didn't know.
He kind of explained it to me a little bit.
Yeah, he said. Your body is now.
He didn't say it this way, but like he's like your body's
dependent on this shit. Now he's like, you're addicted,
dude. I'm like, I don't even know what
the fuck you're talking. About, yeah, I don't know what
you're saying. I don't know what you're saying
right now. How sick were you?
That was bad. I was throwing up.
Yeah, yeah, diarrhea. Yeah, yeah, like it was bad,

(22:40):
Mom. I just thought I had the flu or.
Something like my mom's like you.
Just got a bug, you know what I mean?
I'm like, yeah, you know, just. Got the flu, mom.
But that's and then once that started happening bro my mom
ends up going to prison. Damn.
What did mom go to prison for? Drinking and driving.
She hit somebody, yeah. And actually she hurt somebody
in the other vehicle and like she done had previous incidents

(23:00):
that's. What I was going to.
Ask. Yeah, you know what I mean?
Racked up, you know. But this time it was Yeah, they
got her. How long she have to go?
Three years? Damn.
And this is when my dad comes into play.
Your biological dad, Yes, OK. Yeah, he comes and actually gets
custody of us because like, we didn't have nowhere to.
Go and you've seen you've not seen him.
No, like between once I met my brother Jordan like I was in and

(23:22):
out meeting him like starting tobanana with.
Him isn't that weird though, He's like literally right in the
same town. Dude, that's what I well like
cuz like with the oxys and shit,I was like, I was literally
going to get some perk 30s too cuz I like I found out about
pain pills. Yeah, I was getting like perk
30s in the bottoms on Cypress and my dad was right over on
freaking like Central or like Glenwood, you know what I mean?
This whole time. And he come to find out he was

(23:44):
going to the same guy I was going to.
Small. Wow.
And yeah, but prior to that, never, never reached out to,
never talked to him, never. I think it was like one time my
mom told me that we ran into him.
I vividly remember it. It was another time my mom got
like a child support check from him because he tried to file
taxes and they got him. But like all this fucking shit

(24:05):
like I was just started acting out.
I got fucking, I was getting in trouble fucking I got fucking
like in the mean like before my mom went to prison I caught a
case as a juvenile because we was just all high on X and
cocaine one night, oxys and shit, and we decided to get CO2
powered BB guns and just go oh just.
Go. Terrorize the town, you know.

(24:25):
Damn, got caught, huh? Had a big ass restitution.
What? What did you say?
You went to Doobie for that? I went to the jail to what is it
in Marysville that they whateverheld you helped me out because I
got caught in Madison County. And then with my mom going to
prison or whatever, my dad got cussed to me.
So thankfully they transferred the case to Franklin County.

(24:48):
And then, mind you, like my dad tries to get me to go back into
school. Are you done with school?
You dropped out. I just not going I.
Wasn't going I went and did the home schooling thing like I do
my little papers internal men through London Academy type deal
and my brother, my dad tried to get me to go to West and my
brother, my long, short, short. My brother made it through

(25:09):
school though. He graduated and he rolled
across the stage. You know I mean, so that was
fuck out here. He did good for him.
He's doing, he does, he does histhing and I end up whenever
getting a girl fucking I'm strong like I'm, I'm, I'm strong
out. You're peeled out.
Man, I'm peeled out. My teachers see it.
My 1 teacher. I remember my Social Security.
I said Social Security. What's it called?

(25:30):
Social studies teacher. One day I'm sick as a dog.
I'm like dude, I'm leaving. He said man, are you OK?
You know, like he had a genuine care and concern.
Like he's like dude, you need help, you know what I mean?
Like he took me out on the stepsand sat me down.
He's like, I don't know what youwent through or what you're
going through, man, but this isn't the way to handle it.
I said I appreciate you, but I'mnot trying to hear none of this
shit right now. None of that right now.
That's insane man, I I couldn't even imagine going through high

(25:52):
school with a pill. Addiction bro.
Being dope sick and quiet. Fucking miserable as fuck.
Yeah, bro. And so then I get a girl, her
name's Mercedes, and it's actually who I have my first
daughter with. I don't know, she's like arguing
in something. She's arguing with this chick
named Julie or some shit. And mind you, she's like 3

(26:13):
months pregnant now. And like the girl goes to start
to fight her. And I'm like, I think I'm high
on Xanax and perks. And that's another reason I went
to school for real. Because like, I have a Crown
Royal satchel down in between mypants, under my pants.
And then I'd have, you know whateverybody wanted.
Pharmacy down there. And so that's why I really went
to school. I just go and then I'd bang out

(26:34):
the door. It's good business, yeah.
But fucking Mercedes is pregnant.
I just, I was like, dude, it wasepic.
I didn't know. I didn't even know how to take
care of myself. I'm a kid.
But we're like, yeah, we're going to do this.
We're going to do this. But anyway, she starts fighting
with this girl and like this girl, I'm like, she's pregnant
bro, fall back, you know what I mean?
And distinctively bro, when she goes, I see her to like hike her

(26:57):
leg up to kick her. I grab her by the hair bro and I
smack her and I'm like oh shit, you know what I mean?
And that wasn't right. I shouldn't have done that, but
you know, I. Get the principality behind it
though. But then like, I seen what I did
and I looked over and I seen herbrother and he didn't do
nothing. He just turned around and walked
away. So I go into blackout mode and I
like, I run to him and I'm like,it's your fault.

(27:19):
Like he wasn't his fault, You know what I mean?
He's trying to walk out of. There and then, so we start
fighting and getting to an altercation and shit and he
keeps trying to grab me and likethis scar on the side of my
face. There's like a trophy case in
West on the third floor. You guys are fighting in school.
Yeah, this is. Golly.
Yeah, he keeps trying to grab me, so I'm trying to sling him
off of me and then we go and then like we're both going and

(27:40):
we just crash into this glass case doom.
And then glass is falling. Dude, it cuts me like it's like
millimeters away from losing my eyeball and I'm still trying to
fight. All of a sudden the principal
comes up to me and says fucking stop and grabs my new shirt
because I just had a new outfit on.
I said not my shirt. I didn't realize how bad.
How bloody you are. Dude, it was like it would look

(28:01):
like a massacre because it was opened up here and had to get
staples on the side of my. Head.
And I'm still just going, you know, I'm.
You guys went to work like that in high school?
Yeah, God. Damn the glass.
Case and this poor guy just started walking away, trying to
get away from. Me and then like I got expelled
and that's just I was like fuck it.
But then what happened was that case that I was telling you

(28:24):
about in Franklin County, they're like, I'm like telling
them I'm on drugs, you know whatI mean?
And whatever. And one day I was at Mercedes's,
grandma was on Braille Ave. and I wake up and I don't have
nothing, like I don't have anything.
I'm sick. I don't know what to do.
And mind you, she calls her mom because her mom was in recovery
too. And her mom, whatever, she's
like, what do we do? You know, I don't know, Like I

(28:46):
believe I was tired at that point, but I wasn't tired
enough. But there she's like, go to
what's that place in the bottomsright there on Central.
Net care. Net care, yeah.
Go to net care and I was like, fuck it, you know, I go, I go.
There, you're a kid. Yeah, 1616 years.
Old going to net care. Net care is like the emergency

(29:07):
psychiatric Yeah. Crisis because like, well, this,
I had this case coming up and they're like, you're going to
have to figure something out. And I'm like, fuck it.
She's like, just go there. And I went there and they sent
me to Children's. They sent me to Children's
Hospital, damn. For a detox.
And I'm there for two weeks. Wow.
Yeah. And this is this is where
Suboxone came into my life. 16 years old.

(29:31):
They're like, we got this miracle drug.
You know, this is before anything I knew, like I knew
recovery. Now, Yeah, yeah, they're.
Like we got this miracle drug for you, man.
Miracle drug. And it was giving me 33 octagons
a day, like 3-8 milligrams. Damn.
Yeah. But I was like, fuck yeah, it's
working, you know, I. Feel great I.
Feel great because like, I detoxed and then they start

(29:51):
giving them to me and then I feel myself again.
But I was really just getting high again.
Yeah. So I detox and then I'm, I'm
really not detoxed. I'm just nothing against
Suboxone. Nothing.
Just getting high on a different.
Drug nothing against any MIT program, but for me I can't do
that. It works for me temporarily.
I do really well and that was a lot of my stints of.
Vivitrol is really where it's. At I did that in House of Hope.

(30:14):
That's why I did. That Vivitrol is great, yeah.
That's really where it's. At but they gave me the Suboxone
and then Franklin County ends upsending me to Abraxis for 90
days. What's that?
A jail. Yeah, it's like like a fucking
just a little. Like a happy house.
Like a program for kids type of deal and they're giving me the
Suboxone there. Run it, you know what I mean?
They're like it's prescribed. Yeah, that's funny too, 'cause

(30:36):
you talking about snorting them.I was cheeking them.
Oh yeah, that's cheeking, yeah. I was cheeking them and making
money in that place, man. I was just a fool, you know,
this manipulative, self-centeredbullshit that I was always
doing. I mean, and that's what I was
doing. I'd be in there and then like,
my big mom would come visit me, you know, like, hand her off
money, like. You're doing all right.
A little hustle in the summer camp while you're out there

(30:57):
getting high, making some money.Lady can come see you still.
And little. Cash.
Devin's doing all right right now.
I was. Fucking piece of shit, dude.
Because like these kids, like because I didn't know about
Suboxone. A lot of people didn't either.
You know, it's I was 16. This was what damn here 20 years
ago almost. They're like not 2015 because
I'm 32 and that shit was strong,man.

(31:21):
That shit is really strong. Yep.
So I get out of the program and I'm still, you know, I'm on
Suboxone. You know she's about to pop.
Is she doing? She's not doing anything.
No, Mercedes just smoke weed. And it's crazy because like she
was all against what I was doing, you know what I mean?
Because when I first met her mom, like they took me to her
grandma's house on Braille and Isaid we all I'm still in great

(31:41):
and we're in contact. We love each other, Everything's
cool. Because they got a lot of people
that going through it too. And her uncle Daryl, man, he
works at Mary Haven. And that man is a that's my guy.
I'll speak about him in a littlebit, but I come to the table,
meet the family and I'm like this.
And slumped. Yeah, And her mom was just like,

(32:01):
Mercedes, what are you getting yourself into?
But she was like, because I've always been like, I feel like,
for me at least, like I've always been a loving, caring,
genuine person. It's just like when I start
doing drugs, I just get selfish.Just.
Turn into an animal, I just. Turn into a fucking animal, you
know what I mean? Like, I feel like everybody has
a genuinely good big heart, you know what I mean?
We all like, for me at least, I know I got a conscience.
I know what I'm about to do, right or wrong.

(32:22):
But like when I'm getting high Idon't give a fuck.
About that filter is gone. That filter is gone.
Yeah, it's good. Long gone.
It's out the window and then I'mnot thinking about it till I'm
sitting in jail. And.
And another thing is like, I never knew how to really get
sober ever. Because like it's yeah, I was
always mentally, I was already mentally relapsed anytime I got
locked down, all this shit. But I mean, let me finish what I

(32:44):
was talking about with the Suboxone.
I get out of fucking Abraxis, Mercedes is freaking umpteen
months pregnant, like couple months away from the door from
the term and I'm just fucking up.
You know, the Suboxone. I'm like, fuck, I'm just I'm
drinking, I'm doing pills. I'm like fuck the Suboxone and I

(33:05):
end up getting trouble and get put on house arrest.
Well on house arrest I was like I was sick one time and I was
like fuck this ankle monitor. I went and did some shit real
quick, make some money and I came back and my PO was like cuz
it time stamps you. Like, yeah, at least you didn't
cut it off. Yeah, yeah, I.
Was like that's I was trying to justify my wrongs.
Like I I didn't cut it. Off.

(33:26):
I didn't cut it off. And like, those are expensive.
Yeah, I will. Well, that fucking, the
restitution that I had to pay for all that damage I've done,
that shit was expensive. That was a lot of community
service, but I did it anyways. Yeah, dude, I fucking violated
it. And it was funny because it was
with Nick Davis, my dude. I missed that guy.
Like he was a good dude and a man.

(33:47):
If I wish you could have found the rooms like I did, man,
because Nick was a great dude, man, just.
Didn't make it. No, yeah, he no, I think he died
shortly after he got out of. CBCI No, he just died like 3
years ago. Three years ago.
But anyways, yeah, freaking so my PO locks me up.
I think like 16. So you're still going back to

(34:09):
Jimmy? 17.
So young, Yeah. Well, I go down.
Down. They locked me up there and he's
like, yeah, well, literally freaking then my daughter was
born while I was in jail. Oh, buddy.
Yeah. My daughter was born while I was
in. Jail.
My first time senior was to a picture that my dad brought me
in a visit. That's rough.
It was man, and I still couldn'tget me sober.

(34:29):
How long do you sit did? That motivate.
You in any way? I mean, it did it.
It gave. Me all right, like always had
motivation. I always had drive, like I'd be
in there and I would be like, yeah, I'm going to get.
But my thing was like I can drink, I can smoke weed or I'm
just going to take the Suboxone when I get home.
You know, I was already mentallyrelapsed something.
Yeah, there's. Something that's going to get

(34:50):
me. Out of it myself, like one way
or another that I can control maybe?
A little. Controlled a little.
I'm going to manage this this time, you know, And like I would
do that though, like 'cause thennow they send me to Mary Haven.
They send me to Mary Haven. And this is a six month juvenile
program. I don't think Mary Haven has
that anymore. No, they don't.
So they sent. Me there and I'm. 16 turning 17
or like 16 on my way to 17. I do go in there because I

(35:14):
always would do good, like once I get sober, like I've always
respected, like the staff CEOs, it's easy, respectful person,
you know, I mean, because they're just doing their job.
Yeah, that's it. I chose to do wrong.
I was fucking, you know, it's not their fault.
They're just that's their careerpath and then you fucked up so
at the. End of the day, the
consequences. Yeah.
It's my fall on you. Yeah, that's it.

(35:35):
Easy as that. Yeah.
I didn't realize. Rarely do you hear.
People come out and admit that and be like, no, yeah, it was
me. So like, why the fuck should I
be mad at them? All this shit that I went
through my. Whole life was me.
Yeah. And structure.
Is easy to get through. Like I'll go to jail, I'll go
through treatment. Like it's so easy to go through
and like if people tell you whatto do, when to do it, how to do
it, yeah, it's super easy. How do you fuck that up?

(35:57):
You get out you. Get out.
That's how you fuck it up. Yeah, because like, that's just
how it. Was man anyways, Mary Haven
Mercedes and her mom are coming to see me.
My mom's still in prison. And then Mercedes mom's like you
don't need to go to your dad's Devin like you need to I'm going
to take you. You know what I mean?

(36:18):
I'm going to you when you get out, you get to this program.
And then her girlfriend is it was D they're no longer
together, but them two have helped raise my daughters in
more ways than I can ever imagine because if it wasn't for
them, I would have lost my daughters to the system too.
And that's just period. And that's the same with because
I have 6 kids total. Yeah, and four that I'm actually
active in their lives now and mytwo sons, late and Maverick.

(36:41):
Actually, I'm going to pick themup when I leave here.
And but a shout out to Christy and Dee and every, all the all
the people in their family that played mom and dad when me when
me and her mom couldn't. I'm going to speak on my behalf.
Not not the mother, but when I couldn't be a father.
You know what I mean? Anyway.
She's like, we're going to take you in.
Buddy, I'm like, why not? You know, so Dee already has an

(37:06):
emotion like I'm going to get a job.
She's got, I'm going to go work with her and all this stuff.
And we do that, you know, I get out, get out of Merry Haven and
I'm on a good little stretch, you know what I mean?
I got a car, I got my license and and that's that's just how
my life ends up being for like the next fucking umpteen years
up until 'cause I have a little bit over a year now.

(37:27):
I would fucking get out and do good.
I'd work, I'd get a job. I fucking I can excel so fast.
Any all of us can, man, it's crazy.
Like if I really just I agree dude, like.
I agree and excel so fast. It's it's.
On It's crazy, dude, 'cause likeyou said, like I was in CBC with
you and it's like, man, not eventhat, 'cause like I got in some
trouble with my uncles and I picked him up and the car that I

(37:50):
had was already loaded down withshit.
And mind you, like my uncles andshit, they have extensive
records. The one just got out, you know
what I mean? And the cop was on my ass, but
you know, you got to is I'm like, you got me fucked up.
That shit was in the car when I picked him up.
They didn't know nothing about it, you know what I mean?
They don't know shit. And then they're like, well,
because it was like off of 270, a hilly Rome exit.

(38:10):
They're like, well, we're going to let them go right here and
we're booking me. Mike, book me Dano.
You know what I mean? I gave you my social, gave you
my birthday. I told you I just picked my
uncles up. They didn't know shit about it.
And they let them go. And that was that was my first
time being arrested as an adult.But like.
I said the thing with Mercedes. And them fucking, I did good.
And then drugs, man, just me, me.
So you're not using this whole time?

(38:31):
You're No, I am. I'm drinking.
I'm. Fucking drinking.
I'm just everything but. Everything because like.
I I, I progressed to like I said, I'll explain like, of
course, heroin, crack cocaine, all that stuff.
But like, I was like dibbling down with a little pain pills.
I was drinking or I was just taking Suboxone or some shit,
something. Yeah.
And then Mercedes didn't like that shit, you know, nobody did.

(38:53):
But I was like, I'm not doing that, you know, I'm not doing
that. But that's just that was this is
countless times it's helping Mercedes move on from Mercedes.
I get with Kirsten with the two boys that got adopted out.
It's like it was a revolving door for me.
I was constantly catching like little F fives, FF fours, F
fives, just something I get a little slap on the wrist.

(39:15):
All you're getting put on probation and I'm forever
grateful. I ended up doing like all my
time for like all my count like all my F fives and shit like 12
months as many times I fucked onprobation like they're like all
right time served. You did your time paper.
You know what, 30? Days at a time 3090.
You know what I mean and like. I'd be in there and I'm like,
yeah, I'm going to do it this time.
I'm going to. But shit, I didn't know how.

(39:38):
I didn't. I had great intentions on doing
it well in the workhouse. Oh, it's a fucking joke.
Well, we said. This.
Last episode they don't teach you shit.
No, like if if you get to go to a meeting, if you're going to
like one, yeah, you got a kite, right?
A kite. And they never fucking come get
you. Yeah, You gotta be awake at the
door by the. Time they come, like when I got

(40:00):
in trouble with my. Uncle was the outcome of that.
We ended up being I got probation and then but still it
wasn't my uncle's that was me. That was my fault.
I chose to do that shit and now we're both my uncle Darrell.
He's like 10 years sober now. Works at Mary Haven, Big peer
support there and duties impacted my recovery so much.
Uncle Danny's doing great. Fucking CDL truck driver, you

(40:21):
know what I mean? All them guys had umpteen
penitentiary numbers, you know what I mean?
Like, life's good if you can just figure it out.
But anyways, that was just my life, bro.
I'd fucking be like, all right, I'm going to have some more
kids. I'm going to get sober.
Yeah, the kids will get me. Sober or a girl?
Or my girl. You know they.
Do this. It never worked man.
Even having CPS coming to my door because like they felt like

(40:46):
my kids needed to be taken, you know, and that's just the truth.
They needed to be taken, you know, I wasn't able to take care
of them. That wasn't good enough for me
fucking losing them. You know, I was like, there were
stands to, I'd get out and I'm like, I'm going to try to get
them back. But then I'm like, why?
Yeah, why? And I've always like, that's the

(41:06):
thing too. Like thankfully for like I said,
the the family that took my son's Dalen and Devin forever
grateful for them because they ain't wanting her wanting for
anything. And then for Mercedes, like she
stills got her things and she's doing what she's going through
in life. But like I said, her mom and Dee
have been the parents to Raylen and Liliana.

(41:27):
And like if it wasn't for that and then with Ashley, my other
baby's moms for my son's Leighton and Maverick, like
she's they've been great. Like I feel like all them
relationships probably would have been better if I wasn't
such a piece of shit. I'm going to go on a.
Lemon and say yes, that would have been the case.
Yeah, like I had great intentions like.
That's what they always say. Like, you know how to love, You

(41:48):
just don't know how to love, right?
Yeah. And like I said, like And well,
you've never been taught. You don't know, you know what I
mean? Like once you.
Work on yourself then. You learn that maybe you have
something to offer to. Yeah, and that's what I'm
saying. You know what I mean?
That's another thing is like. I'm, I'm going to speak on all

(42:09):
that once I get to talk about the House of Hope, like CBCF,
yeah, we're going to give you some social skills and you're
going to sit on a table and we're going to talk about AOD
and some triggers, you know, andthat's it.
You know, I mean, nothing against triggers, but I think
triggers are bullshit. It's an excuse to use.
And it's only a trigger if I fucking pull it.
Like period. Like I'm not about to go hang
out with no trap or I'm not about to go hang out with that.

(42:30):
But like, of course I'm going tochange my people, places and
things, you know what I mean? And I like, I like that.
I like. That 'cause I kind of, I've kind
of always felt the same way whenpeople talk about triggers, it's
like, that's a fucking mental like.
For instance, my girlfriend. Lives in the neighborhood.
They're close. Not close, not in, but close to
the neighborhood where I used tocop.

(42:50):
Yeah. But when I drive down there, I
didn't mean we were copped up. Like, you know what?
I. Mean like.
It's not a fucking trigger like that's, that's just an.
For me, for me at least, that's just me mentally relapsing.
No if I found like an original. OC 80 I've always said this.
That'd be hard. That's a tough one.
That's a tough. One, yeah, it's like.

(43:12):
If I found a quaalude like. That's a.
That's a fucking trigger. OK, but like I know what?
You mean I know what you're? Talking about and I I agree with
you, yeah. And that's.
I'm forever grateful for CBCF every time I got locked down and
like even the court systems, like a lot of people were fucked
in fuck that. Like man, if it wasn't for all
them little stints that I got arrested, I won't even say I got

(43:33):
arrested anymore. I say I got rescued because I
was probably going to end up dying.
Like however I want to look at it, I know I'm not the fucking
happiest person when I'm in handcuffs and I'm like fuck.
But you know, maybe it saved me for something because I've
overdosed 7 times, you know whatI mean?
Three of the times, the mother or two of the times the mother
of my kids, the one saved me, one of the time she was, it was
Ashley. Like, dude, I think I overdosed

(43:55):
because we came, I drove to the bottoms.
I'm like, yeah, I'm not getting nothing crazy.
And I'll go in there and I fucking snort, fit and all.
And then I come out and she's like, what the fuck is wrong
with you? Nothing.
Just go home. Well, I'm overdosing.
And mind you, like we, I think we're going to my grandma.
So we're on 70 passing Hilliard Rome and I'm falling out.
You're driving. No, she is.
But I'm turning purple. And she pulls over and like,

(44:18):
we're already past the hilly Rome exit.
London's a little distance away,yeah.
Nothing in between. You and nothing help God.
That's all I can say is God. Like it's that's a God thing.
I was dead dead. She's getting out of the car,
pregnant as hell, pulls me up out of the car, calls her mom
panicking. What do I do?
And somehow I woke up Madison County Hospital, dude.

(44:38):
And there's just been countless times like God's just been, I've
been, I've had a bullet raise the side of my head because
someone tried to rob me, went wrong.
And fucking oh, yeah. Tell that story, Yeah.
Dude. This is I was like in my 20s,
dude got a little bit of money. I'm like, I'm going to be a dope
man. Yeah, I was my best customer
though, you know what I mean? Like but.

(45:00):
I was running a house was. Doing a little thing out of it,
I come to find out that it's notthe dude's house.
He told me whose house it was. It was the other guy, 'cause
this other guy, he's like, I'm like bro, what's your problem
with me? You know what I mean?
Like why you got some kind of, you know, I just get that vibe
from me. He said, bro, this is my house.
I said bro, why didn't you say something?
You know, like Bros told me thiswas his crib.
So I'm paying him and his girl. So then I tell dude, I'm like,

(45:22):
all right, look, I'm not paying y'all no more.
I'm paying dude, this is his shit.
Well, they get salty and then Long story short, like I go out
to hit a swerve. I come back in I go to get in my
room and it like the room I was renting and then they there's a
dude behind it and he smacks me with a pistol boom snacks me
this way and then when he comes across this way where was he
hiding right behind the door. Oh my.
God, he's right behind the door and I'm painted dog.

(45:43):
You know who this is? I I.
Do know who they are? I at the time I had a
resentment, you know what I mean?
But it is what it is because I've done a lot of fouls.
I mean, was it just like a hired?
Mercenary or what? Like no, I was the person
hitting you. That was one of his buddies.
OK, one of his buddies. Yeah.
And like, hey, just it is what it is.
Fucking. I've done foul shit too.
I mean, yeah, it's like I made this.

(46:04):
Scenario forever. Great before it because like.
Behind the door is crazy as. Fuck, I'm like oh shit.
And then like they all they all ended up getting was because I
like, I would wear shorts underneath my real shorts.
Yeah, yeah. And then that's where the shit
was at, like the dummy pockets outside.
Yeah, I mean, I got my phone, got a.
Gun and then I got like this a little gram and a half of shit,
but like when he came he he hit me from this this way.

(46:27):
Then he came across this way. The gun went off.
Damn. And it went through the window
and then he came back down on top, boom.
And then I'm like, fuck this dog.
Here, here, I take it. Yeah, I mean.
And I just throw it. And I'm like I'm.
Panicking. Like but I'm so high, I'm
cracked out, methed out and likeI don't know what's.

(46:48):
Going on, I just know I'm. Leaking and you know where the
1st. Place I fucking go.
Dope, man, I was going to say probably the dope.
Man, I don't call an ambulance. I.
Go in there and he's like, oh, you all right?
I was like, bro, I just got robbed, but I'm still good.
I mean, yeah, you know what I mean.
And that's that's. Just the obsession of this shit,
it's insane. I.
Gun. Just went off gushing blood.
Near death experience. As you can get, I don't have my

(47:11):
phone but I know he's. Just a few blocks away because I
threw my phone and my gun and everything, and that's right
where I go. Yeah, that's crazy.
That's where I've always. Went every.
Time and it's it's done nothing,nothing for me.
But like I said, like discountless jobs, great job
opportunities. I got great friends till this
day that I have fucking been friends with for years since
12:13 that they can drink, they can smoke weed, but they they

(47:34):
can do that. I can't and they're starting to
get a better understanding of itand I love it and they're always
there for me. Like I, I got a great group of
people inside the rooms and outside the rooms, like family
that cares about me. You know what I mean?
Like, and because like when I goghost, I go ghost and I don't
realize how much I really am hurting my family.
I think I'm I'm only hurt betterbecause I'm ghosting.

(47:55):
Like. Yeah, no, I've stole from my
mom, I've stole from family. I'm not as much that they're
worried about you. If you're alive, you're not
alive. Yeah.
And then? Like my mom, my mom's sober too
now, mind you. Yeah, she is sober.
I'm actually on my way out thereat once.
I leave here to go celebrate my grandma's 70th birthday, but I'm
going to get to the. I got like, talking about my

(48:18):
childhood and shit. Yeah, whatever.
I used to think that poor me victim mentality and shit, like
I want to talk about the point of desperation that I reached in
life because like I said, I've been to CBCF with you.
I fucking went to jail countlesstimes.
I went to went back to CBCF out in Mary Haven.
It was just a continuous viciouscycle until I got like, I've got
this picture here. I'll show you.
They always had great intentions, always had a good

(48:39):
heart, man. It's just man, you get wrapped
up in a fucking drugs dog. It's all who cares.
Like we were just talking about before.
Like then the then. The thing is the the intentions
don't mean shit. No, because the actions.
The actions negate the intentions.
That was me. Point that.
You're going to. Have to click your screen, it's
dim. It's dim down.
Your screen is brighten up look.At my guy.

(49:03):
August 3rd. August 3rd.
Of what? Last year, yes.
Jesus, let me see. Looks like death God.
Damn, yeah, that's. Yeah, that's insane, bud.
That's. Not you.
It's like a lifeless I. Keep this on my.
Phone though, man. Because I got to remember this
shit. Because like before I used to.
My thinking was like, all right,I'm going to get out, I'm just
going to drink a little bit. Yeah, I'm going to do a little

(49:23):
bit of coke, you know what I mean?
And the next thing I know, I'm smoking crack, shooting fit and
all, like, 'cause if my disease just progressed and like, I
understand the disease part of it, but at the end of the day,
it was my choice. It was my decision.
Like, I feel like the disease part is like, for real.
It's like up here, well you weredrugs and out you haven't been.
Treated either though. Yeah, that too.
I mean, I've had. Countless times that I could

(49:44):
could have like, 'cause I know people that got out of CVC off
and stay sober. You know what I mean?
I know people that you know, youcan get sober anywhere.
It's just what I just didn't really know.
But anyways, Long story short, man, like I said, I had Raylin
and Liliana and it didn't work out with her mom because I just
you know, my drug addiction ruined another relationship.
We've got a house was working. I was doing all kinds of shit

(50:06):
ruin that. Then the kid then with Dalen and
Devin fucking work did good and IV drug use that really that got
a hold of me heavy too, because when I got out of CBCF on me and
Nick were hanging out and shit. And now wasn't Nick's fault, you
know what I mean? It was my choice to do.
It hit me with a bell ringer man, because like we were

(50:27):
sniffing powder and whatever andNick wasn't sniffing powder no
more. And I was like, what are you
doing? Like I told you and I was like,
so I go up there and bust in on him and he's like, you want to
try? I'm like, fuck no, But then I'm
like 15 minutes later I'm like, why not, You know?
So he fucking just do. And then that's when it was off
to the races for that. And this is a whole much like my
character defects are just horrible.
Like it's not only affected me, but it's affected everybody

(50:49):
around me. Like I really have.
And so then I just progressed, bro, heroin, meth, that who we
that's what got me. I'll say what are we on in that
picture? A.
Little everything fitting all cocktail.
Whatever. Yeah, but mainly meth and
fentanyl and opiates were your drug.
Of choice. So yeah, start off with like the
pain pills. Pain pills progressed to heroin

(51:10):
because perc 30s ended up being $35.
I had $10 cheaper alternative. Well, I can get.
This for you and I'm like. All right, why not?
You know, and like I said, I go to jail.
I've been in jail countless times, man.
F4F Fives. But I was doing my thing and.
Then I I got caught with some shit, a little bit of everything

(51:31):
for real in 2022. It's a Fast forward, way ahead
to everything and get to the point of desperation. 2022 also
methadone was another one of my things that I was nothing
against that, but I would just go to the methadone clinic to
get well, to go get fitting. Yeah, that's it.
Like that was a free fix. That shit's potent too.
Like some of the worst withdrawals I went through with

(51:52):
Yeah methadone. Yeah, methadone ain't no joke.
Methadone. Is really strong.
And they just keep upping it like.
Suboxone, it's like after you take 3 steps, what are you
doing? Yeah, there's nowhere else to
go. Methadone.
It's like you want another. 10 million, you want another 10.
You know the client right now ison 300.
Milligrams, yes, I was up to that's, I was up to two. 40 it
was up to 240. That's an insane amount of
methadone. Oh my God, the detox.

(52:13):
From that was the withdrawal like because.
I was I was withdrawing from that fentanyl and ice and that
goes for a while. Yeah, yeah.
But anyways, I ended up getting caught.
Up in a situation I got arrested.
The girl I was with ended up bonding me out just thinking
you're going to do different. It's not.
Yeah, yeah, man, I'm on the phone telling.
A whole bunch of bullshit. You know, and I just wanted out

(52:34):
of jail because I didn't want tobe sick.
And then they gave me a future indictment because, you know,
you got 10 days, you got to go back and they gave me a future.
I was like, sweet. And then it's off to the races
again, man. I'm just fit and I'm.
Just doing all I'm doing. All a bunch of bullshit,
stealing from people and robbingpeople, robbing Peter Pay Paul,
you know, manipulative, self-centered prick.

(52:56):
You know what I mean. No luck with my kids mentally
just not being there thinking ifI buy them something that's
that's make it right. And then I'm mad at everybody
else because. They don't want me around.
It's like, no, they have every right to feel that way.
Like because of the mother of mychild, my son's Ashley, she's
like get right, motherfucker, You know what I mean?
Like you get right because 10 or20 years, baby.

(53:19):
Make a skeptic at anyone and. Just broken promises.
She's tired of hearing it too. And now we get along well too,
man, it's pretty cool. We're on the sidelines together
with my kids. But anyways, point of
desperation. My indictment comes back.
How long did it take? To about 10 months.
Ten months and I'm fucking. It comes back and then out.
Since I was out on bond, they didn't issue a warrant out for

(53:41):
my arrest. They sent a subpoena stating
that I had a court date and I'm looking at my indictment.
It's two aggravated F3 drug possessions, 2F4 drug
possessions, 2F5 drug possessions, methylene,
fentanyl, cocaine, and I'm trying.
I'm adding this shit up in my. Head and I'm like, yeah.
And I'm like. Fuck, I'm like, whatever.
So I show up to court and then I'm I'm strung out and then it

(54:06):
takes a process. They give me a pro bono lawyer,
which is probably pretty cool because she has a couple of
times when my dumb ass wasn't just going to go to court, I
shot her some excuse and she waslike, well, we got a
continuance. Oh my God, Thank you.
Thank you, love. And then I did it like twice.
Like one time it was like, damn,second time I might have been
like two or three because it ended up being like another 10
months that we fought the case. And she's like, dude, you gotta

(54:27):
just come in and just yeah, that's it.
Like you gotta come in here and because I was on probation, I
didn't have nothing going on in the other counties.
So they're like, if you cop out to the F3, the aggravated drug
possession, and you cop out to the F4 for the fentanyl because
the F3 was the meth, F4 was the fentanyl.
And they're like, we'll drop allthe other shit and we'll put you
on probation. So you know me probation, run

(54:51):
it. But then they're like, well, you
got six years on the shelf too. And I'm like, all right, fuck
it. You know, when I had no
intentions to complete probation, I'm like, at this
point I'm going to go to prison,You know what I mean?
Like you? Yeah.
You know, you know. What's next?
Because like through the whole. Trial and shit like my not trial
but find the case you couldn't stop the whole.
Fucking time. Lawyers like you look like shit.

(55:11):
And I'm like, well, I bring backmy paper from the methadone
clinic like I'm doing methadone.Yeah, I'm doing good, you know.
Yeah, just to have some kind of.Make it look right.
Yeah, but she's like, you look like shit.
Like, you look horrible. And funny story too, because,
like, anyways, well, all right, well, I get, I signed the
paperwork for probation. Like when they do the intake, I
did the they're like, are you onanything?

(55:34):
I'm like, yeah, I'm strung out now.
I'm high right now. Like, I thought they was going
to arrest me. They're like, what do you want?
Help. I'm like, sure.
You know, if you're going to give me some help, take me.
I thought I was about to get arrested.
They're like, well, here's your thing.
Come see your PO and check in. Yeah, no, I called my PO like my
first visit, like I'm running late because I know like 3 or 4,
they're leaving. So it's like she's like, well,
it's kind of late, You can't come up here today.

(55:55):
And I'm like, all right, well, Iwas just trying to call you and
I left it at that. And then I got a warrant out for
my arrest and. But my PO.
Man, Shandreya, man, she's she'sawesome, bro.
She's it was incredible because like I get arrested, I'm up off
270 and just left Home Depot just boosted some shit, I
believe. And like I thought we were
getting whooped from what I was doing at Home Depot.

(56:16):
You know what I mean? And that wasn't the case.
They my buddy, his window was too tint and the the window was
like the window tint was too dark and he didn't have license.
We had a broke down gun. Like the had the fucking had the
fucking pistol here, the clip here, the bullets here.
There was drugs and shit in the car, fucking meth bones and all
that shit. And that was cool because I

(56:37):
didn't have nothing on me. So, And they're like, what?
Whose gun is it? I don't fucking know whose,
whose truck is it, you know, I mean, and it wasn't his truck
either. So we went with, well, we don't
know, you know, it's just what we do.
I ain't my shit. Anyways, we get booked in and
get arrested. Well, I'm all right.
I lied. I tried to give him my brother's
name. My brother in a wheelchair.
Oh, good for you. Because I've.

(56:58):
I've got away with. It a couple of times.
I don't know how, but it worked.But then forever grateful for
this moment, too. His name's Crabby.
He's a sheriff out of Madison County.
And Crabby. Yeah, well, they call him.
Crabby like the crabby. Patty yeah, like.
That's what they call him. And he knows my situation and
he's he real close with Ashley and all them and I had a wild

(57:20):
ass to rest out there too, like Jack Dill.
I had felony warrants that I didn't tell Ashley about and I
got in the whole situation. I did like a hit and run.
Anyways, the sheriff like damn, this is a crazy story I skipped
over. But Long story short, I did a
hit and run. The mirror fell and he got the
mirror. He ran this.
There was a serial number on it came back to Ashley's.
He's pulling up and this is likeduring winter time.

(57:41):
So like there's like salt on theside of the car.
My mirror and salt's gone on thecar and then mind you, Ashley's
mom got us the car to help me get back and forth to work and I
was on my way back because I bought this is when 30 started
getting fake and I was like something ain't right.
I'm like because I told her likeI'm just going to get some shit
whatever and I I've fallen out on the way back.

(58:01):
There was fentanyl in it. This is before I started doing
fentanyl and Long story short, brother sheriff pulls up his
name Jack Dill. He knows her parents.
Her parents are well known aboutstarting their fucking
incredible people, man, and I love them to death.
And why shit you not? Dude, I lied to this man.
He already called bullshit. He already knew what it was.
But they, it's funny, they'll sit there and just let you go.
Yeah, bury yourself. Bury yourself.

(58:22):
But he didn't charge. Me or anything he's like because
I tried to tell him, he said look, Devin, I'm going to give.
You one chance, man. And he said, I know why you're
lying to me. And I'm like, dude, I have
warrants in Franklin County, Ashley, and none of them know
about it. Like like nobody knows.
And I have felony warrants out there.
And and dude, he let me go inside and like, I have a

(58:42):
little, 1 little moment with my girl before I left.
Let me eat, put on some whites. He said yeah, like I was like,
and it's crazy because two months in after that, Ashley,
like I'm pregnant. So every time she sees him,
she's like, yeah, you're responsible.
For that one, bam, he lets. You have the, yeah.
Dude, fucking conjugal visit. Yeah, because he's like, you're

(59:04):
going to jail. He's like, I'm not going to hit
you for none of this other shit,he said.
But you're going to jail on the on the warrants, Yeah.
Yeah, you're going to jail with.These warrants.
But anyways, yeah, I had a good time with Ashley.
We had two houses. I ruined everything.
I ruined everything. I used to blame her, but it was
me. How would you blame her?
Because. Let's see, like what would you

(59:26):
say? You're ungrateful.
You don't appreciate that I'm working hard and I'm doing all
this shit. And because there's been times
when she's put me in jail, she'slied on me and.
And I asked her To this day I listen because the guy at the
House of Hope told me. He said, you got to look at it
this way, man. He said, was it right that she
put you in jail? No.

(59:46):
Did it save your life? Yeah.
And think about all the. Other things you've gotten away
with? Yeah, right.
You know. So, and that's what I like.
What? I always ask her.
There'd be times I'm like, why? Why'd you do that?
I said. Because I know your, your, your
thinking wasn't to, to help me. You know what I mean?
It's time, but it is what it is.I let it go and I got to look at
it like save my life. So anyways, to the point of

(01:00:06):
desperation I was telling you about.
My indictment came back. I'm running, I copped out to the
probation. I tell them I need help, they
let me leave. I tell my PO like I can't make
it, and then like I'm already dwindling down to nothing.
Like that picture. When I weighed in at Franklin
County, I was 118. And then I went through, I went
through detox and I got down to 113 because you know how, like,

(01:00:30):
they come and get you and they're like, they come and get
you to be a runner. Yeah, Yeah.
And I'm like everybody in the tanks, like, dude, what are you
doing? Like, you ain't like, no.
Well, I'm like, this is the onlyway I'm going to start shaking
this shit because like for once,because they were struck,
because from where I was in the MAT program, they like, I could
have got that, you know? Yeah, good.
They're in there pushing sublocade methadone, you know,

(01:00:51):
and I'm not knocking it. It is what it is when you say
pushing. It what do you mean?
Like they're bro people are in. Fucking jail folded.
Yeah, coming in sick. And they're like, they'll let
them wait it out a little. Bit but if they have any kind of
paper trail if they was in the MAT program they'll get them
back in it. Damn.
Which is cool, don't get me wrong.
Well, it's just man, they're in their folded on a sublocade
shot, which, you know, people can do that and there's nothing,

(01:01:13):
nothing against them. But I can't because I'll be
trading my shit off to the dope man before I know it, you know,
and if I don't want to do some boxing one day, I'm doing
something else. So I get booked in whatever.
They take me down to be a runner.
They weigh me in again. They do the whole little process
to be a runner, you know, to give your little TV shot and the
ladies like, are you OK? Like I'm like, I'm just
withdrawing. She said.
You think you're going to be able to be a runner?

(01:01:34):
I'm like, yeah, man, just give me some days, you know, I'll
shake it. And dude, I'm not eating.
I remember looking in the mirror, like just disgusted,
dude. Like, you know, I'm wearing like
a small, small, small inmate. Shirt and it still.
Looks like shit. I got bones popping out and I'm
like, I need to do something different like I don't know what
it is. I got people trying to give me

(01:01:55):
shit in the tank and I'm like just leave me alone.
Let me fucking die. You know they're calling my name
for the fucking detox. I don't want this.
I want none of that. Just let me let me shake this
shit and I'm still sick. They called me to be a runner
and I'm still fucking sick. Like, you know, being a runner,
you got to start off on O Bart, you got to clean them trays and
it was cool because the guys, man, you know, you need some

(01:02:17):
sweets or you like I like I always know somebody when I'm
when I go into fucking like because I was up in a fucking
gladiator tank. But from shouldn't say this, but
the guy that I used to cop from was there, you know, so, so
yeah. Man, he was, he was cool.
He's like. Man, you got you got to shake
this shit, you know what I mean?So like when you're a drug
dealer? Telling you, you got.
A. Problem and I'm sick as fuck.

(01:02:37):
I'm not. Eating my food.
I'm just letting it out of the get me, get my tray.
And he's like, and he told him, he said flat out, none of y'all
are fucking with this white boy.That's my dude.
Like leave him the fuck alone, you know.
So that was cool. That made that that bed a little
little easier. Yeah, because they listened.
Because it's, it's a jungle in there, you know what I mean?
It's I've done some, been through some shit and put people
through shit and been put through shit in there, you know.

(01:03:00):
But I got called to be a runner,man, and I was able to start
moving around. I'm fucking doing Hobart, still
throwing up low key, starting tobe able to hold down food a
little bit and then starting to come back to life, you know,
starting to I call my sister andstuff and I'm letting her know
I'm like, I think I'm going to prison.
Like I'm like, I've been to CBCFtwice.
You're going to look at all thisshit, all these opportunities

(01:03:22):
and like, I'm like, I'm going tofuck prison.
And I was like, I was just preparing myself for that.
But my PO comes and she's like, Are you ready to change, Devin?
Like, you know what I mean? Like you got good potential, you
know, and I'm like, I was like, I don't want to go to CBCF, you
know what I mean? Nothing towards it.
Like I don't want to do base camp.
I'm like, I don't want to go somewhere.

(01:03:42):
I'm going to get either put on acrutch or more the same more
the. Same and I didn't know about the
house hope. I did not know about the house
hope and she's like, well, I'm sending you here and I'm like,
run it. You know what I mean?
Fucking run it and that takes that takes some time.
You know, I got to go back to court to let the judge sentence
me to it. But since my PO OK, that like

(01:04:03):
the judge is going to sign off on it.
Judge cleared it. I'm getting my weight back up.
I'm starting to fucking I'm running around.
Being a runner. Being a runner helped.
Oh, you're 20? Four, you're locked.
Down. Yeah, it's a.
Miserable, miserable, just laying there around.
I started coming back to life, man, and I don't know it's.
Like I just got to do something.Different I don't I don't know

(01:04:24):
what the fuck I need to do and Ilike just a house hope oh man,
for those who don't know, that'slike a.
It's a treatment center man, butit's like super intensive this
was. This was my.
Aha moment for recovery man is the House of hope because like.
Man, I don't know, I just remember coming.

(01:04:44):
There handcuffed up because likemy PO come and pick me up and
I'm still handcuffed. I'm like, I thought I'm going to
rehab, you know what I mean? Like just for transportation
issues, for precautions we're going to take.
That's just how we have to transport you to say that you
got there. OK, and I get in there, man, and
I don't know, like, but it's just like I said, anytime I'm
sober and I've went to jail, like I've always was like, yeah,

(01:05:07):
yeah, yeah, you know what I mean?
And and there though, and you build.
I get on, I get handcuffed or whatever.
At this time, I'm just vaping and like, that's the first thing
that they they welcome you there.
Like they welcome you there, dude, and I was still wasn't
looking the greatest, you know what I mean?
And fucking it's welcome you there.
They're like, take them handcuffs, all that, man, you
know what I mean? You show you wear blue scrubs

(01:05:29):
and my sister bought me clothes like my family's always been
there for me. Like anytime I'm in treatment my
mom to if her favorite time unfortunately is when she got
collect calls because she knows you're alive.
Because she knows I'm. Going to be OK she.
Knows if she knows I'm safe, youknow what I mean and she forever
says that and like she put moneyon my books but when I'm out

(01:05:49):
there on the street she ain't giving me shit when she knows
I'm fucking up. I'm not about to pay for you.
You know what? And my.
Family, and not only that. Family, friends, my people in
London, the Caldwell man, I got a lot of people man that I would
seclude myself from. But anyways, I get to the House
of Hope, and that's where I'm introduced to the meetings, you
know what I mean? You know, I don't know how

(01:06:09):
whatever they say, talk about anonymity.
I feel like anonymity is like mespeaking on somebody else.
Like I feel like I can talk about mine, you know what I
mean? Like with me, you know, if I'm,
if I'm if. I'm talking about me.
Then that shouldn't be an issue.But that's just house help you
come in there. I just wanted something
different. And then I see all these guys
that's been through the House ofhope, like and sober living

(01:06:31):
doing good. And then like you get connected
with these guys and then you really at the House of hope,
man. It's like you do work, you do
work. And then it's no longer excuses
anymore. It's no longer, oh, I can blame
this person or I can blame my childhood traumas or like, don't
get me wrong. I understand there's people that
out there in this world that haswent through some shit, you know
what I mean? And I'm not, it's not for me to

(01:06:54):
judge on how they handle or how they should go about it.
But man, I no longer let that shit be what controls my life
anymore. The House of Hope helps you.
They tell you get a sponsor, work the steps, go to these
meetings, get phone numbers. Like I was out there in the
streets chasing dope, shaking. Well, whoever's fucking hand
that had the shit that killed somebody, why not go around

(01:07:14):
trying to find people that have the solution that, that that's
going to help me like save my fucking life, you know?
And then the House of Hope, it'slike, well, what's your part?
What's your fucking part of the situation?
It's like, it's funny because I think.
House of Hope is one of the onlyrecovery centers that actually
is based off the 12 step program.
And they're, because they're nonprofits, it's the most
successful. Yeah.

(01:07:36):
Their numbers are crazy. Like, I wonder if there's a
connection there. Weird.
And that's where like I. Said while we talk about Viv
like before we started the Vivitrol that's I'm no longer on
it now, but I I did it through the program and couple months
out but just to help get my. Mind.
It did help. I was.
On the Plan B. It's a fail.
Safe but dude. Getting in there.

(01:07:58):
The people that work there, the staff, my counselors, and not
only that, my brothers like the guys in there like, 'cause this
ain't no jail bit. This ain't like, hey, I love
you, bro. We're in here rocking.
We're thugging just because we ain't got no choice to.
As soon as I touch that fucking door, who are you?
Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, that's not that, man.
Like we're in there, we're crying together.
We're freaking talking about shit.
We're like getting down to the causes and conditions, as my

(01:08:20):
dude BG would say. And they got this thing called
the board. The board?
Yeah, the board. Concerns.
Concerns. Yeah, I ain't gonna lie when I
first. Started.
So are you telling people yeah, no, it's sort.
Of like if I have a problem. With Devin, I'll put it on the
board and rest this but you've had two cups of coffee this
morning, but it. Can get down to like like some

(01:08:41):
just character defects like you,you've seen you acting or doing
some other way. And also though the issue part,
the issue part is for like for me, if I had an issue, I put it
up on the board, you know what Imean?
Yeah. Did the other?
Did the other? Members, like, actually
participate? Or were they just like someone
full of shit? Just like writing shit up there
to fuck around? I have no idea.
I, I, I I'm. Like that's another thing I've

(01:09:02):
come to terms with me and I haveno control over what anybody's
no, no, I have. No control over what?
Anybody's doing I, I just know that I have control over this
present moment and that's it, man.
Like I'm so at peace with this now.
And like that's one of the thingabout the House of Hope.
It helped me like get out of myself, you know what I mean?
I didn't realize how self fucking centered I was, how much

(01:09:23):
of a roadblock. I am to myself.
I didn't realize how much of a fucking.
Problem I was like the drugs andalcohol they didn't help, you
know what I mean? But really, like, it's, it's,
it's this now, it's my thought process.
It's like, man, I'm able to check that shit.
Like don't get me wrong bro, I fucking have wild and crazy
intrusive thoughts still like nothing that drive me to go do
anything stupid. But my, I'm still fucking wired

(01:09:45):
wrong, you know what I mean? But I stay connected with God
man. And I pray.
And it's just like the House of hope, man.
I fucking love that place. Like dude, I almost have a year.
I have over a year now and all Ihave is today.
Realistically, that's it. That's all.
Like the year's cool, don't get me wrong.

(01:10:06):
And. But all I have is.
Today, now that I've just focused in on that bro and I got
brothers I can count on, like Big dog, it's about to come in
next bro. I remember being on like because
it was funny because like comingin the short term, like my buddy
Mike was there. It's my brother.
He's down in Chile, not the prison, but he's down there in a
different program. My brother Mark, It's funny cuz

(01:10:26):
we're all started together. So our conversations were kind
of like probably not the greatest one.
Like, yeah, I was out here doingthis.
I was out here doing that. We're telling the war stories.
And that's like the kind of shitI used to want to talk about all
the time. And it's like our conversations
went from war stories to the solution.
How can we be here for? Each other the hope.
Stories. Yeah, the hope.
The Hope House of Hope. Help me find hope and then we're

(01:10:49):
on each other's asses like cuz at the House of hope, they want
you to get numbers and like whenwe come back for me, how many
numbers you get, bro? Are you going to call them?
You're going to make your outreach call, you know, and
that's that's what it's about man.
It's like, like I said, that's how it should be dude.
That's. How it should be everywhere It's
it should like house. Hope bro.
Like which is different I, I. Wouldn't be where I'm at.

(01:11:13):
Without their help, man, I just wouldn't.
Like I've always had a great heart.
I always did this and that, but I was a piece of shit too.
But my aha moment man was connecting with God.
I say God, man. I believe in God.
I believe in something greater than me.
I'm not religious. I'm just spiritual by all we
have because like my dad died two years ago and my dad died

(01:11:33):
trying to get sober like he really did.
Like it was fucking he was 23 days in his heart, his body
couldn't handle it. He tried a cold Turkey it and
now I'm like living through him or he's living through me.
You know, it's like it's the least I can do, you know, to
because we didn't have the greatest relationship, man.
Like he called me. We had a drug relationship, you
know, I mean we got high together, but he always knew

(01:11:54):
he'd call me to fix some shit. So that was like our time to
kick it. Like I love those moments.
Like I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
When my dad called me, he would tell somebody he was going to
fix it and then call me and thenhave you do it and take the
credit. For it.
And just like, yeah, hey. You did good, but you could have
done it this way. Because, man, that's what I do
now. Like my brother's in the House
of Hope, my relationships, the staff, it's like everything

(01:12:15):
I've, I've changed everything. Like they always talk about
peace, people, places and things.
But it wasn't the people, placesand things why I was getting
high. It was fucking me.
Yeah, like they said, the one thing you.
Got to change is everything. Yeah, yeah.
And now I like. All the people that my family,
my friends, I got fucking like all my old bosses, I still in

(01:12:36):
contact with them because like everybody always like you have
great potential, bro. You just my one boss, Donny
Frye. He'd be like, you're on that
shit again, boy. I'm like, Nah.
And he would work me, you know what I mean?
He kind of get past it, but he'dget to a point where they they
own the businessman they got. Yeah.
It's like you're now you're a. Liability.
Yeah, yeah, it's the people, places and.
Things for me, the people, the people part worked itself out.

(01:12:59):
Prison or they're dead or jail or they're actively using so I'm
not going to see them places I choose where I can go, you know,
I choose where to go and things I mean, fuck, what am I get a
needle? What the fuck am I going to?
What thing am I going to get that's going to trigger trigger
me to fucking get high. You know what I mean?

(01:13:20):
Like and it's like. Them thoughts bro, Like like
I'll have them, but it's just like what the fuck?
They're fleeting. They're fleeting.
I'm able to. Check it, you know, and it's.
I don't have to act on it. I don't have.
To act on that shit because. It's all about the action now.
It's all about the motherfuckingaction.
Like just keeping your foot forward.
And then if you're, if I find myself getting so heavy in my

(01:13:43):
head, talk about it. Go, yeah, go or go help.
Somebody else out yet? Helping Somebody else.
The biggest? Way to get out of your own.
Way is to go do something unselfishly for somebody else.
Selfish. Yeah.
And that's it's. Not a tit for tat thing for me
no more. If I do something, I don't do it
for an expectation. I don't set expectations
anymore. It's like I just do it to do it.
And dude, it comes back to me. Like we get through that.
Like house hope was great. Dude.

(01:14:04):
They have adventure therapy. They got chord groups and they
fucking they're structured chores just showing you like how
to live life. And then not only that, a a man,
the 12 steps saved my life. I got a sponsor.
I work the steps and then I likeit was Step 4.
Like that was cool to get all that shit off my chest.
But like I come to realize like my biggest resentment was

(01:14:25):
fucking me. Like it was me.
Like, yeah, this, that happened then and I went through this and
like, what did I? Do to deserve that.
What, what was my part of that situation?
Because I put myself in it regardless and working the steps
and, you know, asking God to remove these care defects.
I mean, they're all, they're still there, you know, I mean,

(01:14:46):
it's just always going to be there and fucking just getting
through the steps, man. And then just being in 1011 and
12, staying connected every day.Every day I pray in the morning
like before here. I read a daily meditation, I
read touchstones and I shoot a prayer up, man, Whether it's
just short and sweet or it's just, I know we pray for what I
don't have. I pray for what I do have and

(01:15:07):
what God's blessed me for. Because it just keeps getting
better, man, man, doesn't it? Dude, I was just a shit.
Show like, don't get me wrong like.
I always wanted to get clean. Like I really did, man.
I believe like anybody out therestruggling didn't know how.
I just didn't. Really know how to do.
It man and the House of Hope showed me.
My brothers helped me, my counselors helped me.

(01:15:30):
Franklin County Sheriff's Department rescued me.
You know what I mean? Like I look at it that way now,
like my PO, I'm forever gratefulfor her.
Like she sent me a letter. I'm like the life now dude, I'm
off paper. I was supposed to be on paper
for another 3 1/2 years showing up because like I used to be
like fuck probation. They're out to get me.
No, I'm out to get myself because I don't want to fucking
listen to them. That's it.

(01:15:51):
I'm I showed up drug screens. I got pay stubs because the
house hope, like I said, my PO is like you're doing the six
months and I'm like because whenI got there, they're like, well,
you can do 45 days. I'm like, well, at first I was
like, well, my PO is not going to let me, so I'm staying.
I'll be here for a while. Yeah.
But then it. Got to the point, like I need to
be here, you know what I mean? Yep.
When I was out there, like I wasa piece of shit dad, you know

(01:16:13):
what I mean? I wasn't the greatest, you know,
And fucking I was just, I would drugs consume my fucking whole
life, bro, my whole world. I used to think the world was so
dark and it was such a dark, gloomy place.
But I was making it that way. I was covering up all the light.
God, the sunglasses on. Yeah.
Fucking that's all I said. I mean.
Fetty God was on and I just thought that's all my life was

(01:16:34):
ever going to be. There was one time I was down in
the basement with Nick and I'm like, man, I don't think I'll
ever be able to get away from this.
And I never thought I would. I never I never thought I would.
And then house help. I stuck it out, wrote it out,
man, I got great people. I was going to the soup kitchen
there Sunday mornings doing service work.
That's another thing. Service work made a lot of Rep

(01:16:55):
people. Some are still here.
Rick Linville impacted my sobriety so much.
Dude. He would take me to because like
and there you got to get rides to meetings.
That's how you start building your fellowship.
You know what I mean? You got a you're responsible to
get a ride to your meeting. It's not all they just take you
and drop. Yeah, you got to put some work
in yourself. You got to.
Put in the footwork, you know. And that forever grateful for

(01:17:16):
that man because like which is brilliant, by the way, it's.
Brilliant, I didn't have a problem.
Getting a ride to the spot, I didn't have a problem.
I got I. Got that motherboard Whether?
I had to walk miles. I had to ride miles or wait
hours. You know what I mean?
Oh yeah, like. It's it's.
Incredible man. And fucking that's nothing
against the other program, but the fucking House of Hope is
elite. Like I would not be where I'm at

(01:17:38):
if it wasn't for my PO sending me there.
Yeah, and they easy. Like you said, you go through
these core groups, you do core groups, you do adventure
therapy, you get down to calls and conditions.
You figure out. Like I said, my aha moment was
realizing I was the problem. You know, get through the
program and going to job search and my trade before, because I

(01:17:59):
did, I was probably ripping a Raven for like a good three
years without working before. Like I would do side shit.
Like there ain't nothing if I can't, if I can't fix it, I'm
going to fucking figure it out. Like, and that's just what I do.
I'm I'm a plumber right now. I'm fucking they put you in job
search. They get you a nice suit and
tie, you know, and get you shoes.
They get you ready. They help you build a resume.

(01:18:22):
And cuz like all my jobs have always just been word of mouth.
Like my best friend Dylan, he would always like, he's a
fucking worker, you know, as soon as his feet touch the
ground. But then he would be like he's,
you know, And then when I start getting back on that shit, you
know, I'm like, he's like, damn,bro, damn.
But you know, and everything wasalways word of mouth.
So this is like probably the first time I've actually got a

(01:18:43):
job, actually applying for it. You're being taught.
How to actually did a job? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Blake, because. We don't know how.
Yeah, because we never did. Yeah.
Like I'm gonna be dead, but never really, actually.
Yeah, I've never. I call.
Them adult jobs right with. A proper resume proper resume
proper. Mine was always word of.
Mouth he's a hell of a fucking or some under the table shit

(01:19:04):
because I always. Did trade work, you know, I
mean. Flooring, drywall, this or that,
and I always knew somebody that was in it.
And like I said, everybody knew I'd work.
It's just a matter of time untilwe start.
When When's you going to? How long is it going to last?
Because I've had bosses bond me.Out man put money.
On my books and I'm forever grateful for all that shit, you
know what I mean? But it's like that shows to
something, you know? Yeah, that's crazy something.

(01:19:25):
That's crazy as fuck, however. You want to look.
At it. But then I get this job, I make
make great money, man. I've just got a freaking
significant raise because like we prefab the units, it's called
connect housing locks. We prefab the units in a
warehouse and then they take them and stack them into
apartment buildings. But I'll do all the plumbing and
stuff. I really literally do whatever

(01:19:45):
they want me to do. But they got so confident in me
now like they're they sent me toon site, like I'm actually on
site working now because they would like to see maybe because
I know the insurance and outs ofthe of the units now so I can
get out there and fix any plumbing issue and do all this
and they're trying to they want my suggestions on what maybe we
can do back at the warehouse. And I just got a fucking.

(01:20:05):
A significant raise, you know what I mean?
But after 90 days went by and look, I'm showing up.
I'm not late, you know what I mean?
And I know my worth now. For me at least, I've always
wanted to have a purpose in life, you know what I mean?
I always felt like I needed to fit in or I needed to get this
and that, but I needed to reallylearn to love myself and heal.
Like that's what I, I used to think I needed a woman.
I needed to do this. Like, no, I need to focus on

(01:20:27):
like that's what I love about the house.
I hope because I was able to work on me and figure out I was
the problem, learn to love myself and realize I do deserve
a life too. You know what I mean?
And it sucks. I couldn't get sober for my
kids. I couldn't do this.
And like I couldn't do it for myfamily.
And that's the thing, like I sayto people, either because
addiction effects everybody, though, I don't, I don't think
there's a family out here that isn't going through it with

(01:20:48):
somebody. And it's like, what?
How do you handle it? Don't enable it.
Don't give up on them though. And you just got to wait till
they're ready. You know, at least for me at
least, that's all I can think about because I've been fucking.
I wouldn't trade it for anythingin the world, man, because all
the trial and error that I went through brought me to where I am
now. You know, life's fucking great,

(01:21:09):
you know, life be lifing, life be lifing, life be lifing.
I got a 14 year old, you know, got a 10 year old.
What? What would you tell?
Your 14 year old about drugs andalcohol?
Oh man, I had to. She's very.
She knows about my. Addiction, you know, she's I
mean, it's impacted all my kids,but like I said, I'll go ghost
for a while when I disappear andI left her worrying sick and all

(01:21:30):
this stuff. And I felt like me and keeping
my addiction away from her was being doing the better thing,
which it wasn't. But what is what it is what what
I tell her now because we butt heads a little bit because I'm
not trying to enable shit. You know, she's like smoking
weed, but she's supposed to supposedly stopped.
And I mean she's 14, about to be15.

(01:21:51):
I get it. I was that age too, but I don't
I don't enable that shit. I'm like, I didn't, I didn't
just wake up one day like I'm going to be a dope fiend.
Yeah. I didn't realize how much all
this, this little shit is going to progress.
I'm not saying that's going to happen to her, but at the same
time, I want to. It's in your DNA.
Yeah. Yeah, it's there.
Does she? Know that.
Yes, she knows. And does she like how blunt I am

(01:22:16):
and don't because she'll call mewith like a whole scenario,
right? And then nothing was her fault.
So then I'm like Raylan, I used to do this all the time.
Like it wasn't my fault. It wasn't today, it was all this
or like, I get it, you know? But I'm, I'm trying to, it's
hard, dude. It's hard.
It's fucking hard. But.

(01:22:37):
It'll get better. I love her to death.
She's a beautiful young woman. She does great in school.
She had a little incident last year, but I'm rough, you know
what I mean? I'm a little rough on her.
I'm not super rough. I don't feel like, but it's like
somebody's got. To hold her accountable, I mean.
Yeah, you've already been through the.
Same shit. You know how it ends up, you

(01:22:57):
know how it could end up. I I scared the fucking.
To death, because I used to think materialistic things or a
fucking a girlfriend and all this other things is what what
life was about. And it's not like don't get me
wrong, dude, I got to fucking you know, I got a girl now like
I shot my shot at like I met herat the gym and she's not one of
us. You know what I mean.
I used to settle for I don't know, I'm not saying there was

(01:23:19):
whatever, but I I've got a girl.That doesn't want me.
For what I have to offer. And she knows my story, you
know, like she's fucking, she's pretty fucking cool and
understanding. Like she comes to my she come to
my lead and she's an she's an MP, you know, it's like I'm
like, damn, like this girl doesn't need me.
She wants me and she's very understanding and that's just

(01:23:42):
the great things that are happening in life now, like my
brother's in House of Hope, the staff, everybody.
It's just the wheelchair, brother, no?
Oh, another brother. Yeah, school brother.
Just the brothers. From the house, yeah.
It's just, it's been, it's been a long grind, man.
I've been battling this shit with myself bro but man.
Like I said. I got the job, I got out of

(01:24:02):
House of Hope. I'm in there sober living.
I'm excelled. I'm excelling with my job.
I'm doing all kinds of side work.
People call me. I can get I get keys to people's
houses now, like I always got stuff like that.
But then I would like ruin it. Ruin it, Yeah, ruin it.
I'm trusted with money. Fucking think.
I feel like, like I said before,like even before I was trusted

(01:24:25):
with all that shit, but I would find a way to fuck that up.
I got my. License.
I'm off probation. My PO called me.
I was at work. I panicked.
I was like, fuck the pills, don't ever call.
Like I got an indictment came back or something, you know, I
didn't want to answer the phone.She was like, I should leave a
message. Voicemail.
Yeah, voicemail. But I answered.

(01:24:47):
It and she's like Mr. Number Maker, how you doing?
I'm like, good. Why are you calling?
Is everything OK? She's like, yeah, did you do
something I don't know about? I'm like, no.
And she's like, well, we're donehere.
I'm sending in your paperwork. Six years off the shelf.
Probation's done. I don't have warrants another
kind cuz like I used to get arrested and I have warrants and
I I would like play musical chairs with counties.
Yeah, well, you got to. Go to Marysville now and.

(01:25:11):
That was a big relief. Just I went to my child support
hearing like cuz some people like they, they were like do the
Child Support while you're in here and then I'll set it low.
Like no, I waited till I got a job.
Then they base it off my pay, you know, and that's cool.
I showed up for that because hermom joked she's like, you

(01:25:32):
finally showing up for some shit.
I'm like, yeah, because I'm not handcuffed because like, you
know, And it was cool. Pains.
Oh, that hasn't started. But it's about to start
relationships with my families. It's great.
My kids, my sons, though, like it's.
Pretty cool. Because it's unfortunate.
Like they really literally probably didn't know who I was

(01:25:54):
because like, I wasn't ever there, you know?
And like, thanks to the House ofHope, like and my.
The mother of my kids letting. Her guard down and having faith
that I changed a little bit like.
I got to see my boys. And I was actually sober, you
know what I mean? Like I was actually in the
fucking present moment and. That joy it brings to my heart.

(01:26:18):
Dude is just that's what helps keep me sober, you know, like
being present in this fucking moment.
Like no matter what I know why. Like the world's crazy, bro.
You know, it really is. There's some shit going on, but
I don't even pay no mind to thatbecause I can't do nothing about
it. I can't.
But like for my kids having to wonder who I was to like,

(01:26:38):
where's that? You know, like it was the
coolest feeling ever. Like because I'm.
Showing up to practices. I'm helping with like my
daughter gets mad because I don't just buy whatever, but
it's like, hey, if you're getting into sports or
something, I'm all for it. You know what I mean?
I'm going to do that. I'm not.
But anyways, I'm able to do thatnow.
And like I showed up because I missed one practice and then I

(01:27:03):
messed with the mother of my kids.
I'm like, yeah, I'm not going tomake it to this one either.
She's like, what the fuck ever. But I was on my way and like I
get there and the joy of my kids, like looking to the
sideline and seeing me and not even that like how I know like
it's, it's, it's just a beautiful thing, 'cause they're
like they're, they're grabbing their friends in their life
faces like my. Dad's over there.

(01:27:25):
You know what? I mean the hell the drug.
That new one, man, I just, I just.
Seeing the joys in life and justbeing able to be present.
Like my daughter, like I said, she's 14.
You know, we butt heads a littlebit, but I got to say something.
Something's going right because on my one year, 'cause.
I always like to say my. Uncle Darrell, like I was

(01:27:46):
telling you about anytime, like I'm having some kind of
situation with my daughter because it's her uncle by blood.
It's it's her uncle. But I call him and I'm like, am
I 'cause I, I'll, I'll second guess myself.
I'm like, maybe I'm being too hard on her or maybe I need to
just let her run me over and, you know, and just be a sucker.
But he's like, no, you're not wrong.

(01:28:07):
He said, you know, you going to stand your ground sometimes and
you know, it is what it is. But I'm able to like when
situations like that, when I'm doubting myself, where I have
questions, I can call my sponsor, I can call people and
to where I don't get in this self and because of my my mind's
a fucking prison. It's either going to be I'm
either going to let God because God's got the key to it.
I'm either going to let him justunlock it or I'm going to take

(01:28:28):
that key over and I'm just goingto lock in fucking trap.
And then, you know, I'm fucking off to the races.
But my daughter sent me this on my one year and like this is
what this shit's about man. Like.
Dude and I got to tell people one.
Year is cool, don't get me wrong, it's fucking incredible,
but all I have is it is it's a milestone in recovery.

(01:28:51):
Like everybody like because I remember getting my 30 day.
Well, when I when I came to the House of hope, I was getting
like my 60 day and I was gettingmy 90 day, they were fucking
them were the hardest for me at least, because that was like,
well, on the fence like, oh, I can just maybe sell drugs and
you know, I can do this. Like my thought process is
fucking crazy, You know what I mean?
And it's like them for anybody that's hitting them milestones,

(01:29:15):
man, keep trucking, just fuckingkeep trucking.
And it's it's rough. It's fucking rough, and I'm
forever grateful that I was kindof in jail for a little bit
before I got to the House of Hope to get myself, like my mind
wasn't right. Yeah, I got some time, you know
what I mean? And just in milestones, it's
incredible because now I'm out of fucking year, you know?

(01:29:37):
It's like it's a whole year of like continuous sobriety, like
one whole fucking year. I never in a million years would
have thought like I would be outthere for like whatever.
Yeah, I'm sober. I'm subbed out methadone.
Doubt. I'm not knocking any of them.
I'm not. But for me, I can't do that shit
because it's, it's for me. I'm I'm still, I'm still chasing
something. Yeah, I'm still chasing that.

(01:29:58):
And that's what my mind's on because like my drug.
Addictions was so bad like. I would get it and I'm already
thinking about the next one. And then it's like, it's just
never, it's never ending. And it's like now I just get to
think about life and what's next.
You know? Fucking it's man.
I'm going to fucking find this thing my daughter sent me.
I don't like reading it because it makes me cry, but I want to
read it. Definitely read it.

(01:30:26):
But this is what it's. All about like, you know, I used
to think like I'm a piece of shit because I can't get sober
for my kids right, but now that I've like learned that I was a
problem and got sober for myselfbro like.
Everything in life's ever fucking.
Happening. Everything that I ever said I
wouldn't be, I ended up being. And then everything I thought I
couldn't have, I have now. And if I don't have it, it's

(01:30:48):
going to happen like it's fucking it's man.
It's incredible. And that's me getting.
Out of my. Fucking getting out of myself
and realizing I was the fucking problem.
That was just the aha moment forme.
This is what my daughter sent meon my one year on August 3rd.
It says one year sober who? Would have thought you made it

(01:31:11):
so far. Dad, I'm so proud of you.
You're so amazing in many ways and the best 1A father you know.
I needed you and you grew and made it to look where you are.
It's never too late and I'm. So glad to have you.
I love you with all my heart. Wider in the sky with no ending.
You got this. Keep going.

(01:31:32):
And thriving. All the haters are feeding off
your success because they couldn't do what you did in a
year if they tried. God works in mysterious ways and
he knew you had a reason to be here.
And that's just damn, she's smart.
Yeah, damn. Bro, and that's just that's just
what it's about now, you know, like life's cool, life's good
life be happening. It's just, it's unimaginable.

(01:31:56):
To think where I'm at and just to think if like cuz I don't
like I don't, I try not to future trip, like I have goals
and stuff, you know what I mean?But I just try to, I just try to
stay focused on the day, man, mylife's great.
I wake up, I pray, I go to work,I do my part and I I go over my
day and if I could have done better, I put it down in my
daily inventory and I try to correct it.

(01:32:16):
I go to the gym fucking heavy. I'll say you're Jack, bro.
I'm going to hate on you for that bud.
You're not 113 lbs. Were you like 190 or 201?
Seventy, bro, are you insane? 113.
And you got booked into 170 and chiseled dog I bench.
I bench 335 dog. I hate you, but I'm committed to
the gym. Like I'm, I mean, I'm still, I'm

(01:32:38):
an addict, dude. I hooked up things.
Yeah, but I can go there and putmy headphones in and you could
fucking not worry about a thing.And let every fucking thing out.
And I'm very, I'm very. What's it called?
Regimented. Yeah, with that.
Like it's. A it's a it's vital to my
recovery. Absolutely.
That's a non negotiable. Because not only does it help.
Me physically, yeah, I look better, but mentally, man,
that's another thing. You got to find positive things

(01:33:00):
to work about. Dude, you're crushing it.
Thank. You so much for coming.
I mean. Great way to end it with.
That message from your daughter,because that's what it's about.
Yeah, man, So appreciate. You guys for having me on here,
thank you.

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From 13-Year-Old Trailer Park Dealer to Using Every Drug Imaginable to How I Recovered | Ep 75

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}From 13-Year-Old Trailer Park Dealer to Using Every Drug Imaginable to How I Recovered | Ep 75