How the Chains of Xanax Addiction Changed My Life Forever | Ep 80 - Get a Grip Podcast

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
So we didn't have a needle. We did not have a rig.
And Joel's like, can you get a needle?
I was like, yeah, my grandmother's a diabetic.
He's like, go home, get one. I did not know what I was
looking for. My grandfather had horses and
I'm up in the cabinet. I get a horse needle like a 20
milk. I don't know what.

(00:20):
It. Is 20 gauge, you know the holes
you can see through the whole Yeah, I take that.
Like what they do Plasma. It's almost.
Like plasma? Yeah, Yep.
And I take that back to me, he'slike, what the?
Because hell no, he did it. He used it, but he refused to
use on me because I'm tiny. I have little veins.

(00:50):
All right, we are back with another episode.
We have Lindsay Wren with us from Louisville, KY right now.
Yeah. Are you a horse girl?
Do you race horses? You.
End all that. I rode horses when I was young,
but no. No, not into that, No.
Well, thank you for coming. Thank you for.
Having me, I know you had to drive down, so that's OK.

(01:10):
We appreciate that. Let's start with with your
childhood, OK? Tell us a little bit so we have
some context, OK. Tell us a little bit about how
that went for you and how it molded you.
OK, so let's see I had I had a great childhood.

(01:32):
My parents got divorced when I was like 5.
So when they did my dad, well, they got divorced really,
because my dad was smoking pot, you know, and my mom was like,
look, you know, you're going to either quit smoking pot or I'm
leaving with the girls. And he shows that and kind of
deer hunting and doing his own thing.
So he lost his job because he failed the UDS.

(01:53):
Oh, really? Yeah.
Good job. Random drug screen got.
Him. Yeah, got him.
So mom left and she remarried about a year or so later to my
stepdad. He was my stepdad for about 12
years before they divorced and we had a good life, great house,
I mean, nice house, pool, everything.
So yeah. And ground.

(02:13):
No, it was above ground, but it was like a.
Big, big. You know, big one.
No, I wish it wasn't. You know, it was great though.
We had three car garage. I had my own garage.
So yeah, it was nice. But yeah, things didn't start
getting ugly for me until I I just kind of rebelled.
I was 13. I was going to say, did the
divorce at 5 had any any effect on you at the?

(02:33):
Time I feel like my, my earliest, like childhood memory
is having to feeling the responsibility when my parents
told me like #1 knowing what divorce was at 5, like I somehow
I knew what that meant. And then feeling like it was my
responsibility to tell my littlesister who's only 18 months

(02:54):
younger than me. But it feeling like I had to,
you know, be the one to break the news to her.
And what like a 5 year old, you know, like, does that really go
through anything? So anyway, maybe, you know,
maybe. But yeah, my step dad, he was
super, super strict. I remember one of his number one
rules was we could not say the word hate in our house.

(03:18):
Like hate. The word hate was worse than
like the word you know. OK, yeah.
So yeah, he'd rather you say that fuck then cut then hate.
So that was a big. Deal.
What was the deal with that I? Have no clue.
No clue. Interesting.
Yeah, very. Yeah.
How quickly did your mother remarry?

(03:40):
It was about a year or so later,yeah, a year and a half,
something like that. Yeah.
So it during the interim, we stayed with my grandparents.
So and my grandparents were likemy everything.
You know, they're, they're gone now.
But yeah, they're the best, the best people ever.
But yeah, I didn't really start rebelling from my, you know, my

(04:00):
family upbringing rules everything till about 13.
Started smoking pot. Well, I got drunk first at 13.
And my friend Amy's house. Can I say names?
First names only. OK, whatever.
You. Want Yeah, at 13 my friend Amy's
house they had a bar downstairs in their basement and like a.
Full bar. Like a full bar.

(04:21):
Yeah. And her parents, all the adults,
left me and her there for the night.
They went out drinking. So she and I started drinking
Southern Comfort. I'll never drink it again.
Yeah, I remember. It was like it was yesterday.
But then she and I smoked pot together a little while later,

(04:41):
still at 13 and then. Did it do anything for you like?
Did the alcohol yes, the weed no.
What was the what was that experience like the alcohol?
Just euphoric, just like this is, you know, this is fun.
This is what I want to do, you know, this is this is me, you
know. Yeah.
And, you know, feeling that buzz, feeling that loss of

(05:04):
inhibition, you know, even at ata young age, it's just, I don't
know, it kind of takes you. Over 13 is also I mean for a
young girl. It's, yeah, Pretty tumultuous,
yeah. Age, Yeah.
Everything kind of starts. Yeah.
So let's see I I had another friend, Jamie.
Her parents smoked pot and allowed her to smoke pot.

(05:28):
Like in the house? Like in the house.
And so I remember going to her house, getting, you know, an
elder girl gave us a ride home from school, going to her house,
and we didn't have any pot. She's like, my parents have
some, but it's in a lock box under the bed.
I said I can pick that lock. Never done it in my life, but I
sure as hell did. Did you really?
Yeah. Yeah, he had like an ounce in

(05:49):
there. We took maybe 1/4 of it.
I don't know. And she?
You picked a lock. Yeah, with a little paper fill I
have no clue of just digging it in there, you know, I have no
idea. And it just popped open.
Yeah. And you're like, see, I told
you. Yeah, right.
See, I told you good. You know, I'd never done that
before alive. But yeah, So she she knew how to
roll a joint. I've never learned how to roll a

(06:11):
joint in all these years. I could not do it if you paid
me, so I've always had someone. I feel like that's one of those
things, like you're either good at it or you're not.
Yeah, I've never had to do it. I've always had someone to do it
for me, so, yeah, But yeah, so she and I started smoking pot a
lot and which now I just can't stand it.
I, I don't even know why I did it then, because I never got

(06:32):
anything good from it, you know,it was just something to do, you
know, but. Probably a sign of.
Oh yeah. Oh, absolutely, yeah.
Looking to escape something. Exactly.
Yeah. Something.
Yeah. And so I met a guy when I was
15. He was a friend of my friend's

(06:54):
boyfriend, and he was 18. His name was Chris.
I just fell head over heels for him, you know, 18 year old.
And he liked me. And so we started dating.
He introduced me to fucking everything, literally.
Cocaine immediately, methamphetamine immediately,
acid immediately. And this was like a weekend
thing. Let's see at. 15.

(07:17):
Oh yeah, 1998, New Year's 1998, we tripped acid that morning.
The people's, the people's housethat we were at, they went to
the bedroom and they started cutting something up on the
dresser. I thought it was coke.
I loved coke. And I was like, oh, let me get
on there. Like this isn't coke, babe.
I was like, what is it? They're like, it's meth.
I was like, well, give me a line, I'll try it.

(07:37):
I was up for like 2 days yeah, Ihated it at first, but but then
it was something like I I've always kind of like speed so.
And this was not the meth that is out there today.
This is like serious anhydrous red phosphorus strong shit, you
know, keeping you up for days. One line.
Mess made a comeback. Yeah, yeah.

(07:57):
I don't know. What I understand at least.
But I'll never forget. So the guy who gave me the line,
I later on wanted some few weekslater or something.
And so Chris took me to his house, which was a lab, a
trailer that was a meth lab. And.
A literal. Trailer.
A literal trailer. Breaking Bad.

(08:18):
Yeah, Breaking Bad type trailer.It was a trailer.
It later on this burnt down. It burnt down the whole trailer
park. But anyway, I go to the door, he
looks at me. He's like, oh, and these are 35
year old men. Thirty 3040 year old men and my
19 year boy or 18 year boyfriendand I'm 15.
The guy looks at me and he's like, no, she's too young to be

(08:40):
in here. She's going to have to she comes
in, she's going to have to put this on gas mask, like a full
gas mask. So I put this huge gas mask on
and I go in there and they're looking me up and down and these
are convicts. They have done prison time.
You know these it's. Yeah, this is their job.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so they look me up and down
like, does the face match the body?

(09:00):
Take your, take your mask off. And I took the mask off and I
go, yeah, cut open the the tube,the clear tube, it's wrapped all
the way around the room and gaveme the first line of it.
I was up for three days. Damn.
God, yeah. It was wild.
That was wild. People don't believe that story.
It's true. Very true.
No, that's. Yeah, later on that trailer,
that trailer did burn down. And how do you know anything

(09:22):
about how that? Happened.
I know it was a meth lab explosion.
Yeah, that's all I know. Did they anybody pass away?
No, no one passed away. OK, so there wasn't anybody like
in the trailer? When it.
Exploded. No, no, no.
But it did burn down and a few more trailers.
And I know one of the trailers was a woman and she was single
and she had kids, so that was terrible.
Yeah, that sucks. You know, just think you know

(09:44):
innocent people. But that's what drugs do, right?
Hurt everyone around SO. Yep.
Let's see. So you're a, you're an upper
upper. I'm an upper downer.
Everything around her, you know,I mean, doesn't matter.
I love it all. Yeah.
Yeah. And opiates are a huge part of
my story. OK, Yeah.

(10:07):
So let's see after that CS 15 then.
So you've done your LSD? Done all that and it's became
like it became weekends into weekdays type thing, you know,
So it was just partying on the weekends and then maybe a
Tuesday and a Wednesday. How's.
School going? Oh, school's going, but it's

(10:29):
D's, you know, season D's barelygetting by going.
And it's only because I didn't want to put in effort and not
not smart. I just half the time I wasn't
there. And whenever I was there, you
know, I wasn't participating. So just barely getting by.
And I only went to school because I was popular and, you
know, for the. Yeah, yeah, popularity part of

(10:49):
it. Yeah.
But let's see. So continue dating this guy.
My mom started letting me spend the night at his house when I
was 16, but he lived about 30 minutes away.
So I'd have to get up and go to school, you know, drive 30
minutes away. He graduated in 1998, and he
went to WKU, Western Kentucky University.

(11:10):
That's about two hours away fromPaducah, where I'm from.
And so after that, I kind of wild out, you know, I was alone,
you know, 'cause I was usually always with him and not to say I
didn't have other friends, but Ijust chose like drugs and using
drugs hardcore as my companion after that, you know what I
mean? He was like, you're running,

(11:30):
buddy. Yeah, like you have to get.
High with him, everything with. Him, yeah.
And then so, so after when he was gone, I just, I didn't know
what to do. I just kind of wild out, you
know, and like I said, it was like, let's see, I remember
going to school one day and I had I had two hits acid in my
purse that I was planning on taking later on, but it was

(11:52):
second period. We had 77 periods, you know, and
I looked at a buddy, his name was Brent.
I said, you want to dose? He was like, what?
I was like, dose. I got some acid and he's like,
Oh yeah, we dose second period. By seventh period, we were
fucking lit. Of course, you know, I was,
yeah, tripping all the way through school that day.
I don't really remember most of it.
But I never tripped in school. Don't.

(12:13):
I mean, I don't recommend it. I didn't think I was like, the
way I was taught with psychedelics was to, like,
respect them. Yeah.
It wasn't like, you know what I mean?
And so I was afraid that if I tripped in school, I was gonna,
like, fall apart you. Know what I mean and.
Get caught, basically. Oh.
I didn't care about getting caught.
I really didn't. I'm surprised I didn't get well.

(12:33):
Clearly you at 15 you went up toa meth lab.
Or gas mask. And yeah, I've never had like a
fear of law enforcement. I don't know why.
I just always thought that like,I too, I'm too good.
They're not gonna mess with me, you know, type thing.
I don't know. Maybe they do mess with you.
It doesn't matter what you know where you come from.

(12:54):
But yeah, they eventually will get you.
So let's see. I don't know.
After he left and I started going nuts, doing drugs all the
time, and I'm mostly doing meth,acid, cocaine.
I never took any opiate pills during school or Xanax or

(13:17):
anything like that. During high school, I was so
against pills. I thought, pills ain't got, you
know, he wants to take those. I don't know why I looked at it
that way. I just did.
I don't know why, but I'm tryingto think.
Let's see. I don't.
Know Did you graduate high school?

(13:38):
Yeah, OK, so I did. So 17 I let's see.
So I'm at this time, I'm undiagnosed bipolar.
OK, so I've been diagnosed lateron in life with bipolar 1.
So I have manic and depressive episodes.
And so getting along with my momduring this time was rough.
Now my mom, she, she divorced itwhen I was 15.

(14:01):
She divorced my stepdad. And that was kind of, you know,
I didn't really care because it was like my mom was going to
give me way more freedom with him out of the house.
And she did let me run wild, letme do whatever I wanted to do.
And and so at 17, she started dating this guy.
His name is Kirk. She's actually with him now, but
they split up for brief time. And I love him now, but I hated

(14:22):
him then. I mean, hated him.
Why he came because he came intoour house and was kind of
telling my mom like, you need tohave them come home at a certain
hour. You need to have like giving me
rules, you know, And I'm like, no, no, no, this is my house,
you know. And so one night, I think I feel
like now it was during a manic episode that I didn't know, you

(14:44):
know, I was manic, but also druginduced.
Were you up or were you? I was up.
I was up and me and my mom got into it and she said, pack your
shit, get the hell out. You've got to go.
You have to go. I can't deal with this anymore.
I'm like, where am I going to go?
So I called my dad, my biological dad, and we had
visitations when I was young with my dad, you know, every

(15:07):
other weekend or whatever. And they were chaotic because he
used drugs and, and it was just chaotic.
And so at 13, I kind of quit seeing him and so calling him.
And he had already remarried andhad two other children.
He had a 7 year old boy and a seven month old daughter at this
time. And they've lived in a one

(15:29):
bedroom house, the four of them.They moved me in right then.
Dad said yeah, you can come livewith me.
So it was me, my stepmom, my dad.
I was 17, my little brother was 7 and my little sister was seven
months, all in a one bedroom. House.
What does that look like? I felt more love in that one
bedroom house than I ever did inmy mother's house.
Big ass house with my own suite,you know.

(15:51):
How, But I mean, how did it? How did you fit?
Like? What was the structure?
What was the layout? There was no structure.
It was more, it was more family like we're eating dinner
together type thing, but we're all going to smoke pot and get
as high as possible before we do.
Because my dad smoked pot, He grew pot and that's what I did.
That's, you know, it became kindof a pothead, but you know,

(16:13):
whatever. He let me drop out of school and
so I withdrew from school and mymom had bought me a car for my
16th birthday. So I had a little Dodge knee on
and she she said she called and she said, Lindsey, if you're
going to drop out of school, I'mcoming to get the car.
I said the hell you are, the hell you are.
And she came with Kirk. My boyfriend Chris was home for

(16:35):
the weekend and his this is so fucked up.
His stepdad was a police officer.
He gave him a police issue 9mm Glock and Chris carried around
in his. His his dad did.
His stepdad, yeah. Gave him a Yep police issued
gun. Yep, Not millimeter Glock.

(16:56):
Yep. And he kept it in his, you know,
console or whatever. When my mom and Kurt got there
to take my car, I sprinted to his car, grabbed that Glock and
put it to Kurt's head. And my mom caught the cops.
I didn't. I I don't know what I was
thinking. You know, like I was 17.

(17:17):
I was stupid drug. You know what?
Sure. So my mom called the cops.
The cops came. They gave me a lecture.
That was it. You know, it's you.
You bugged up. What about the gun?
The gun was fine. I don't know.
I mean they never questioned about the gun or nothing was
ever really said about the gun. Yeah, yeah, it was fine.
I don't. Know like I was just thinking if

(17:38):
they found it and. Ran, if he got it licensed to
him or you know what the deal was with that, but he didn't.
No one took the gun. Yeah, but the cop was more there
for me. He really didn't say anything
about the gun that I can remember.
But he was, and maybe he did talk to Chris then.
I wasn't paying attention, but he he lectured me.
So they all left. Mom didn't take the car because

(18:01):
Dad was kicking me the fuck out.He was like, Oh no, you brought
the cops here and I've got 9 plants hanging in my garage.
You've got to go. And I mean, the cops were
literally 20 feet away from these marijuana plants.
They're hanging. So yeah, he's like, you can't
bring heater out here, girl. And damn, yeah, that's why I was
out. And I had nowhere to go.
Nowhere. So I pitched a tent in LBL,

(18:25):
which is laying between the lakes.
I don't know if you're familiar,but what is that?
It's it's like a it's a, it's 100 acres, a little over 100 or
maybe 100,000 acres of land between Barclay Lake and
Kentucky Lake. And it's like camping,
recreation. No one lives on this island.
It's kind of like an island. They have like a few
restaurants, maybe a hotel or something there now, but it's

(18:49):
just camping. It's just really camping stuff.
Is like a park. Like a National Park type deal,
kind of like that. Yeah, kind of a National Park.
It's usually, look it up. Sometimes it's called Land
Between Lakes. But anyway, so I went there.
I was really familiar with the place because we partied there.
My grandparents camped there. I was, you know, I'm really
familiar with it. And so I went and pitched a tent

(19:10):
in a place called Nickel, NickelBranch, Nickel Creek.
I care remember one of the two, but I remember hiding my tent at
the bottom of the hill where no one could see if they drove in,
no one could see me. So because I was really worried
about safety, you know, as far as like men or people, you know,
whatever. So I stayed in that tent for a
month and it was terrible. Like I remember bathing in the

(19:33):
lake, like literally it was crazy.
But and all the time I'm, you know, getting as high as humanly
possible, then went to like sleeping on couches.
How are you feeding your habit? I was working at a department
store in Paducah at the time. I still had a job.
I got a job. Yeah, Yep.
Yeah. Because when I dropped out of

(19:54):
high school, Dad was like, if you're going to drop out, you're
going to work, you know? And I was like, OK, so I got a
job as a maid at a hotel. I fucking hated that.
Fuck all that. Yeah, it's rough.
And so then I got a job as a cashier at a department store
and I can't think of the name ofwhat it was.
It wasn't like a big thing, a big department store.
I don't even know if it still exists, but it wasn't something

(20:15):
big. But I was working there and I
met a chick there and she was 21.
Her name was Megan. And she and I hit it off and she
needed a roommate. She had a 2 bedroom apartment
with her little girl. She had a like a one year old
daughter and and so I said, well, I'll move in, you know,

(20:38):
I'll move in. We'll pay, I'll pay half the
rent, you know, half the bills. Yeah, please God.
Please. God, yeah.
So I did. And I lived there for maybe 3
months, three or four months. It was stupidly wild.
Weirdly wild. Really.
Yeah. In.
What way? I don't even know if I want to
go into that I. Kind of want to go into this.

(21:04):
Yeah, it was. It was weird.
But no, she she and I were close.
Really, really, really close. And then not close.
You know, we fell off real bad. So, yeah, I'm following.
Yeah. So I I left, and before I left,
I, you know, I didn't have anywhere to go when I was
leaving. So I'd called my grandmother and

(21:27):
begged, begged, begged to let mecome home, to let me come there,
you know, And she's like, sure, you can come here.
You know, you can come here, butthere's going to be rules.
I was like, OK, you know, I'll do whatever you want me to do.
And she's like, no, you have to go back to, you have to go back
to high school. You have to reenroll in high
school a year later. Then you're supposed to
graduate, you know, and graduatewith the class below you.

(21:48):
And I was like, please, no. But I did.
I did. And so I was good for that time.
Yeah. I think it was around
Thanksgiving when I moved. How old are you?
I'm 171717181818. OK, so yeah, I was 18.

(22:10):
And so I went back into her house and went back to school.
Now at this time they changed the school up so it wasn't 7
periods anymore is block scheduling.
And so it was like you had four classes and you had a fall break
and a spring break and then fourmore classes after December,
different classes. So you took eight class.

(22:31):
I know I hated it because eight classes, but you took four in
the first semester and four in the 2nd semester.
You see what I'm saying? So but anyway, you had a fall
break. They, they did that to put that
fall break in there, you know, that one week fall break.
So that fall break. And now during this time, I'm
living with my grandparents and following all the rules, but I'm

(22:52):
steady getting high underneath the table, you know, and it's
mostly weed, cocaine and a little bit of meth, right?
Well, the meth started getting heavier and heavier and I was
having to drive because my grandparents live 30 minutes
away from high school. I was having to drive 30 minutes
back and forth every day. And finally I was like, mom, you
know, this drive sucks. Please let me come home.

(23:13):
You know, I'll promise I'll be good.
And she did. She let me my mom let me move
back in my senior year and. Was she still with?
Yeah, well, off and on, yeah. Yeah.
But it it got really weird with him because he found out that he
had a daughter he didn't know about when she was the mother

(23:34):
came to him, she was like, hey, my 15 year old daughter is your
daughter. She had.
He had no clue. So things got weird and he felt
like he needed to be more of a father, you know, and be there
with them instead of with my mom.
Broke my mother's heart for real.
But but yeah, it's, it's kind ofcrazy because later on down the
road, they split up and then later on down the road, they get
back together. So they're together now and he's

(23:56):
alright. He's a good guy.
But anyway, yeah, so I'm 18 at home with mom getting high and
my nephews is getting worse and worse.
And I start hanging out with some different people who are,
do have full access to as much as I want, you know, meth.
And it's free, 'cause it's dudes, you know?
And one of the guys who gets it for me, him and a few other

(24:21):
buddies were planning on going to Talladega to the races for
fall break. And so me and a girlfriend, her
name is Leanne, we went down there to kind of follow the
dope, you know, I guess. And we stayed, I, we didn't even
go to the races. She and I didn't, we just went
down there to keep high, you know, stay high the weekend.
And this is so fucking embarrassing.

(24:42):
I had a one that stand in the back of my knee on and I got
pregnant with this guy. Do you know, I know his first
and last name and that's all I know.
I don't know where he lives. I, I did at the time because we,
we exchanged phone numbers and he knew that I'd gotten
pregnant. You know, I told him after I'd
gotten home and he said he didn't want anything to do with

(25:05):
it, you know? So that was that.
And I had the baby. I I graduated.
I was 7 1/2 months pregnant whenI walked across the stage.
Wow. Big, big pregnant.
Yeah. Yep.
So I'm 19. 19 When you got pregnant, did you stop?
Yes, yes I did. I stopped everything.
I stopped everything. But I did smoke weed.

(25:27):
I would, and my son knows that. So yeah, I did smoke pot, which
I think I only did that so I could hold on to something that
I could, you know, so I could still feel cool or escape or fit
in with my buddies, you know, because all my friends did
drugs. So anyway, I graduated 7 half

(25:47):
months pregnant. I had my little boy and in July
of 2001, 9/11 happened. You know, said where I'm going
to college, I'm taking him to mygrandparents to keep him while
I'm going to school. I took 16 hour credits my first
semester like a freaking idiot with anatomy and anatomy lab.
Like I could do that. Damn.

(26:08):
And yeah, no, no, no, I could not do that.
So right after 911, you know, that was crazy.
I, I, you remember it, right? Everyone remembers exactly where
they were that day, right? I was getting my little, I was
putting him, I was putting his clothes on my little baby and he
was two months old. And I'm like, the first thing I

(26:29):
thought about when that plane hit was what in the fuck have I
done bringing a baby into this fucked up world, you know?
And that's so sad, but. I get it.
I get it. Completely.
Yeah. Cuz it's it's scary cuz it's
like, OK, we're going to war now.
And we did. But anyway, yeah.
So after after I had him and I was going to school, mom ended

(26:51):
up buying a house in Paducah andselling our house in Marshall
County. And that's where I went to
school in Marshall County. And when she did and we moved on
there, she started giving me a little more freedom, saying, you
know, I'll keep him on the weekends, you can go out, you
know, kind of keep your child, you know, stay young, whatever.
And so that gave me an opportunity to go out and get

(27:13):
high for the weekend that. Was nice of her.
Well, it was until, you know, the weekends turn into weekdays
and I'm doing blow a lot. I mean coke out.
I don't know where. Oh I do know where I started
getting into this coke but it was a guy from Murray, KY and I
ended up later later on dating him but he was a dealer and but

(27:36):
anyway mom got sick and tired ofmy shit.
You know, me going out all the time and not staying home with
him, my baby and taking care of him.
So she kicked me out and kept myson.
She called child protective. No, no.
Never got CPS involved. Never, never, never.
So she, she just went and got anattorney and said, Lindsay,
you're going to file, you're going to sign this temporary

(27:57):
custody over to me. It was temporary, but temporary
turned into forever. You know, she, she raised him
100%. I never did.
He's my twin though. He looks just like me really.
He's more like a little brother,honestly.
Is he? I love him like he's my son,
but. Is he back in your life today
or? Is it?

(28:18):
Yeah. I mean, we're not.
We're not, we're not a part. We are part, you know, as far as
living, like he lives four hoursaway.
But like, I could text him or I could, you know, if I wanted to
message him and he would messageme back.
I think, You know, we don't talkoften, you know, and I'll never
see him. I've seen him once in the last
God, I don't know how many years, you know, maybe 5 plus

(28:41):
years really. Maybe more.
Yeah. Yeah.
And but that was, you know, my mom, when I did that, when I
left and I chose my drug use andmy crazy lifestyle over my child
and my family, she was done. And I get that.
You know who wouldn't be? And that's not abnormal, by the

(29:04):
way. No, no, no, no, no.
Women do that all the time. Yeah, it's the disease.
I've done it three times. I've done it three times.
Oh, not once, twice, but I'm on my third.
I mean, it's still, it's like the disease of addiction is so
powerful. It is.
And you know what? People say things like, how
could you ever? You know what kind of mother,

(29:27):
you know, like until you're there, don't fucking talk to me
for real, you know? So, but anyway, yeah, I ended up
so getting the coke from the dude Murray, ended up kind of
starting seeing him and went to a party in Murray and met these
chicks from Louisville, KY. And they had an extra bedroom

(29:47):
because I was just kind of couchhopping and they had an extra
bedroom that I could stay in forthe summer.
And so I did, and they didn't charge me rent or anything.
They were just great girls. I loved them so much.
They were so much fun. Now, can I remember the names?
Hell no. But I know I had a good time and
they were great. But free rent.
Yeah. And.
Well, my boyfriend was a coke dealer and they did coke.

(30:12):
So perfect. Yeah.
But there again, I had all the coke I wanted in the world from
him. Right.
I So I stayed high. I remember I got into a pattern
of, you know, staying up all night sleeping.
I would get up at 5:00 PM and start all over again every day.
And it was so weird getting up that late.
But anyway, I did that for a while.

(30:34):
And then there was a small, small time during that time that
me and the girls, we went to a party in Louisville and I met a
guy, his name is Grant, and he was a guy who I was telling you
about earlier that was driving when my my boyfriend had a
seizure. Anyway, I fell head over heels

(30:55):
in love with that dude and I ended up staying in Louisville
with him for about a month. And then he was like, Oh no,
this bitch's crazy. I'm sending her home, called my
mom's like, come get your daughter.
And she did. She had no choice, you know, it
was wild. So she she.
Want one month? And yeah, one month.
And he pulled her up. Cord Yeah.
I mean, I wasn't working. I didn't have my car up here.

(31:17):
I just rode up here with some girlfriends and stayed, you
know. So it's kind of weird.
It was very weird. So anyway, Mom came back and got
me and let's see, at that time Iwent home to my grandparents.
I didn't go home to Mom's. I went home to my grandparents

(31:40):
'cause my, my mom felt bad for me because number one, she just
got her heart broken by this guy.
She'd been through heartache in her life and I was devastatedly
heartbroken over this situation,you know, And so I think she
felt for me, you know, and was kind of me during that time.
My mom's always been great, you know, but she's hard.
She knows she's, she's like no bullshit kind of person, you

(32:02):
know, and I give a lot of bullshit.
So, but anyway, so I went home to my grandparents and I'm like
19 ish, yeah, 19 here and doing a whole lot of nothing, you
know, waiting tables, going up to the bar because I could get
into certain bars and I'm doing a lot of coke, a lot of meth.

(32:25):
And finally I'd gotten a kidney infection and my doctor
prescribed me lower type 7 pointfives with refill and.
So this is your first. Opiate.
Yeah. And this is where it all begins.
Like, that's nothing. That's child's play, all that.
And that was a lot of shit, you know, but, but still.

(32:49):
So I was waiting tables at Cracker Barrel and I I found I
took two or I take maybe 3-1 time.
Are your grandparents kind of oblivious?
Oblivious. Oblivious.
OK, you know, because I'm a goodgirl, you know, and and so I'm
not a good girl, but, you know, seem to be.

(33:10):
Yeah, so. And their eyes and their eyes,
too, they know I'm not a good girl, but they want me to be so
badly that they're thinking, youknow, convince themselves of
that. And yeah, that Lindsey does.
I'm wrong. But so.
And I was the oldest. I don't want to say the
favorite, but everyone knows I was granddaddy's favorite.
And so, yeah, but maybe not my Mimi's, but my granddaddy's for
sure. He's said it out loud so, but

(33:32):
anyway, no, so I was, you know, it's, I remember the day in my
bedroom at their house when I took three of them and I felt
that euphoric. 37 and 1/2. 7 1/2Yeah.
And I finally felt that. Oh yeah.
You know, just a wave. I can feel it.
You know, it's almost, if you think about hard enough, you
know, you can't. But I was in just in love, just

(33:56):
like, oh, my God, this is exactly what I need.
I fuck all that other stuff. This is what I'm supposed to be
taking, you know? Perfect.
Yeah. And so I had the refill, but I
went through those. I ate those like juju bees.
Those were gone. But I was waiting tables in
restaurants. You can find anything, you know?
And so I did. I found a black girl who who

(34:16):
could get me pills all the time.And she did.
She was getting me like the 10's.
The speckled, speckled, the pinkspeckled.
Yeah, the 10s. Yeah, yeah.
That didn't have acetaminophen. Right.
They're small. Yeah.
Yeah, so. You could snort.
Them yes well, I never did that.I never snorted anything unless
it was like AOC and Oxycontin. You know I never snort like a
tab or anything. That's a lot.

(34:38):
No, I take that back. I did one time in a bar and it's
a lot. Well, the tabs have Tylenol.
Yeah, and now what I snorted wasa tab.
It was a lot. A big, OK, big, huge line.
But those 10s that are pink? Yes, they do not have a sediment
yet, right? Right.
And so so I start, you know, I was using pills and stuff a lot
and my grandmother had had a knee replacement surgery and she

(35:01):
had shit ton of everything. Stockpile.
Stockpile and it was oxycodone tins and it was like the little
round ones, you know. But anyway, she she didn't take
them. She didn't abuse them or take
them even really for pain. Not very much.
So I could go in there and take,you know, three or four or five
a day and no one was a wiser until the bottle was out.

(35:25):
And then did you try? To try to replace him.
No, even then, no one said anything.
No one ever brought, you know, said, oh, Lindsey, did you, you
know anything? Nothing was said.
It was like just, you know. Interesting.
No one put, you know, kind of ignored it, ignored it, you
know, and then let's see my sister, she, you know, she's 18

(35:51):
months younger than me. She graduated school in 2002 and
went to UVL and University of Louisville.
And she was working at UPS and she had had some like knee
problems when we were in high school.
And I remember when high school,she dislocated her kneecap one
time and the ball of her kneecapcame over to the side of her

(36:12):
leg. And it was the ugliest shit I've
ever seen in my life. But they had to carry her out of
her bedroom window because our hall in our house went, you
know, 90° angle. So they couldn't get a stretcher
down there. But that was gross.
But anyway, she she had some knee problems and she ended up
having to have like surgery and her roommate at the time was a
guy and he was like taking advantage of her, like not

(36:33):
paying rent and had his girlfriend over all the time and
just treating her like shit and.Had his.
I'm sorry. His girlfriend over all the
time. So wait, she was dating?
No, she wasn't with the guy. They were just friends,
roommates. OK, gotcha.
Yeah, gotcha. And so she'd come home for
Christmas and this was 2003. She'd come home for Christmas

(36:55):
and told me about all this, you know, and I'm big sister.
I'm like, oh hell no, no, I'm not doing anything but waiting
tables, bartending down there inPaducah.
So I'll come up there for a weekor so and stay with you and, and
hash things out, you know. And so I did.
I kicked him to the fucking curblike within a few days.
But I met some Iraqi dudes across the hall who had shit ton

(37:15):
of pills and they were from Iraqand they were, what is it?
I'm not like refugees, but I don't know what the right word
is. Immigrants.
No, they were immigrants, but they were, you know, when you
get displaced because of war. Oh shit, I don't know the word.
Anyway, you know what talk aboutso they were, they came over in

(37:38):
the 90s during the Gulf War, thefirst war.
And so they were all, well, you know, they spoke English really
well. Now, they were perverts, but you
know, most guys are to an extent, you know, whatever.
So it's just something women have to deal with, you know, I
wish for. Especially with drugs.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, drugs.
And when you're in that game, yeah, for sure.

(38:00):
Because it's almost like, you know, give a little, get a
little. But I've never given a tiny bit
ever. So I might have made someone
think I was going to, but you know, that's.
Play the game. Yeah.
So anyway, yeah, they had. And how in the world they had
all these pills, but they were prescribed them.
And I'm talking about huge bottles of tins, you know, lower

(38:24):
type tins or whatever. And they would give them to me
for the best, like I was gettingfor like 2-3 dollars a piece of
shit. Yeah, yeah.
And 03 very cheap. So I got a job up in Louisville.
I moved to Louisville with my sister, end up moving there and
got a job at Chili's waiting tables.
I was going out drinking a lot, partying with some girls that I
work with. You just love the waiting table

(38:47):
bar. That's all I've ever done.
I've always waited tables and bartended.
That's my that's my job. Yeah, that's what I've always
done. 25 years, yeah. I mean it's.
It's hey, it's good money. It's the only money that it's
only, you know, job that a womancan do in America without a
college degree and still make 100 grand a year.
If you want to, I mean, yeah, you can easily, easily in the in

(39:09):
the right restaurant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, so, yeah, I moved to Louisville and me and my sister,
you know, we're close in age, but we are total opposites.
She is a she does good and I do not she, you know, I'm blonde
and she's brunette. You know, it's just, it's we are

(39:31):
just polar opposites. But so she and I ended up kind
of getting into some tips and obviously I wasn't paying rent
because I was going out and doing drugs all the time, you
know, and the I had no clue whenI started taking lortabs, you
know, taking pills that they that you could really get like

(39:52):
hooked on them and get sick coming off of them.
And so these pills are starting to take it take a toll on me to
where I had to have them to go to work.
Yeah, yeah. And so, and I started realizing
that and I started kind of, it'schanged my mindset of how I
thought about myself, you know, because that I, I started
thinking, you know, like I'm, I'm a junkie.

(40:13):
Like I, you know, like I did allthese other drugs, but I never,
you know, I did it for fun, you know, but this is like, I have
to have it type shit. And so this is what you hear
about in like the movies, like Trainspotting and shit, like,
you know, people getting sick. And I'm like, Oh God, am I?
I'm that, you know? Yeah, you can't turn that train
around very easily. No, no, no.
And so, and it can only get worse, right?

(40:34):
And it did. And so I moved to Indiana with a
good guy friend of mine. He had a house in
Jeffersonville, where I live now, and he was from back home
where we are. And so we were friends for a
long, long time and he needed roommates.
So I moved in with him and he and I had so much fun together.

(40:54):
We went to Bonnaroo and 04, which was this, when Bonnaroo
was not mainstream, this was like the Dead was playing there.
Dave Matthews Band fish and I'm a huge fish head so.
Everybody loves fish. Oh, I went to fish 04 that year
for the first time. No, I went O2 for the first
time, but we went to fish oh foroh for that year too.

(41:16):
But 1032 I've been seen fish so many times so.
Tripping. Tripping, speeding, A nodding.
Name it. You know, I've done all of it.
Yeah. All of it.
Yeah. So.
But yeah, we and I had so much fun together until I met.
I met a guy. His name was John.

(41:38):
And I liked him at first, but I thought he was something
different than what he was. He was.
This guy friend of yours, do youthink he wanted to be with?
You 0100 percent, 100% but here's the thing about that is
he was my sister's ex so they had been together they moved to
Louisville together and. But I I hooked them up because
he and I were really good friends before they started

(42:01):
dating. I'm the one who hooked them up
and. But they fell off, and he and I
remained friends, of course. And.
And she was fine. They were friends still.
They had a good split. They just realized they weren't
good together, you know? And so.
Yeah. Yeah.
So that was weird. So I couldn't and I wouldn't be

(42:21):
with someone that my little sister was with.
Right. And but he did want, you know,
he did. It seemed to get weird, like our
our friendship turned into him kind of liking me more and more
and I was like, you know, that's.
How it goes I mean. Yeah, yeah.
Especially you're going out every night to dinner, drinks,
you know, playing ping pong, dancing, whatever it turns, you

(42:42):
know. But it never got intimate with
us. Ever.
Never, never, never. You know, we I always steered
towards someone else, you know, dated else, you know, I was
always looking for some, you know, and he was always looking
at me and I feel bad, you know, I felt bad.
I don't really feel bad now, buthe's still my friend.
I love him death, but I haven't just speak as I haven't seen him

(43:03):
or spoke to him a long time, butit's like a lifelong friendship.
You know, you'd always have that, but let's see.
So like I said, I started, I metthis guy's name is John John.
I don't want to say his name, but this was, oh, the end of 04
October of 04. And he and I started dating soon

(43:24):
after moved in with him. I mean, just really quickly.
And we stayed together, we partied and we had all kinds of
house parties and stuff. And now all this time that I'm
dating him, he, he's already hada pass where he's been arrested
and SWAT team came in his house and everything.

(43:46):
Like he spent six months in jailand did a long time on
probation. He was, he was selling
mushrooms, chocolates and get them through the mail or
whatever. But I had nothing to do with
that. I didn't even know him then.
But anyway, he and he had a passwith opiates too.
And one night I was at his houseand this was right before I
moved in. I was like, hey, I've got to go,

(44:07):
I've got to go somewhere real quick.
I'll be right back, you know, 30minutes, 20-30 minutes.
Like where you going? I was like, I just have to run
and do something real quick. It's just errand.
I have to run. I had to go get some pills.
And so I come back and I had, you know, had enough where I
could give him one. I said, hey, do you want one of
these? And he's like, oh, yeah, sure,
you know. And so I got him right back on
him, you know, and I kind of feel bad about that now.

(44:30):
But because he was sober, sober from drugs, right?
He smoked pot and drank. But that's, I don't, you know, I
mean alcohol, Yeah, but it depends on how you do it, right?
Right. So anyway, so we both started
taking them, taking pills, and then we started finding other
dealers who had oxys, you know, because you know, I, I'd dabbled

(44:54):
with oxys here and there, but not a lot.
And so we, we started getting oxys, breaking them down,
snorting them. And I remember one day we worked
together too at this call Centers for Sprint.
Fuck that place. But anyway, he was like a
supervisor. Excuse me and I I called into
work because I was super sick. I was dope sick, you know, and

(45:16):
he, he could push through. I could not.
I'm laying in bed and he gets home from work.
He can push through work. Yeah, yeah.
He, I'm laying in bed. He comes home from work and his
brother comes over with an Oxy 40.
John doesn't tell me about it. He just takes it.
And why he orally took that, I don't know, because it's, you
know, it doesn't do the same. I mean what?

(45:37):
A waste, right? Yeah, yeah, exactly.
It doesn't do the same thing, you know, So, but but I found
out a few minutes later and I shoved him.
And when I shoved him, I went towalk away.
And when I did, he grabbed me, threw me through the kitchen
table. I busted my eye open on the side

(45:57):
of the window ledge and had to go to the hospital.
My eye was black. I had like a hematoma inside my
eye. And at this time, yeah, that was
the first time. So I didn't, I've never been in
like an abusive relationship before.
So I didn't know, you know, I went through all the things that

(46:18):
they say you'd go through, you know, of like the denial.
Oh, it was my fault. I shoved him as my fault, you
know so. Was your habit so big that 20
milligrams, if you'd split it, wouldn't have done shit?
No, no, it would have. It would have gotten me well at
that time. It would have gotten me well.
So I didn't have a huge, huge habit at this time, right.
And I don't feel like I've ever really had like where it's been

(46:41):
a lot that's had to take a lot. Like I've never had to take a,
you know, like two or three tenths shot, you know, like it's
110th and I'm good or even half a 10th and I'm good, you know,
well, and it was all always to me about getting well because
little did I ever have the moneyto get super duper high, you
know, until I got with Sean. But anyway, I, you know, we kept

(47:06):
on taking pills and, and doing the thing or whatever.
And I got pregnant and we had a baby in March of 2006.
And his name's Eli. And I remember when I was in the
hospital after I'd given birth, because we were taking pills

(47:29):
when I was pregnant, I was just taking lower amounts, you know,
And it was bad. It was so bad.
But when I was in the hospital after I'd had him, John would
tell me you have to cheek your pain pills that they give you
every three hours. Give them to me.
You go put them underneath the toilet in the bathroom.
And I did. I would cheek them.
My mother's sitting here, Johnson here.

(47:49):
I would cheek them and go into the bathroom and stick them
under a napkin, tissue box, whatever, sorry.
And he would go in there and getthem, You know, after I've just
had the baby. Yeah, it gets worse with him.
But anyway. What the fuck, That is some of
the most selfish bullshit I've ever heard in my life.

(48:12):
More selfish than like black in my eye again because he did that
that's. Fucking ridiculous, yeah.
So then. Just had his fucking child.
Yeah, it's wild. Yeah, he's he was something
else. Anyway, go home.
We're have we have the baby. I get a good job waiting tables

(48:32):
down on 4th St. live, which I don't know if you're aware of
that what that is, but it's likethis whole street downtown
Louisville. They they shut off because you
can drink in the street and theyhave like a Hard Rock Cafe down
there and I got a job. We open the TGI Friday's down
there and I loved it. I made so much money down there.
I mean, it was because when it first opened, people, everyone

(48:55):
in the city flooded down there. They stay open till 4:00 in the
morning. And I mean, we'd have back like
2 or $300 every single night, every single night.
And I'm going to talk like four or five hour shifts, you know,
four or five hours. And I've got $300 coming home.
And so I was like, yeah, this isgreat, you know, And back then,
of course, that was really good.Now, you probably make more than
that. But anyway, so one day I was

(49:17):
taking him to work, taking John to work before I had to go to
work and we didn't have any painpills and we're both sick.
And he said before you go to work, you'd better go and get
something, bring it back to me before you go and at work.
And I'm like, OK, so that was mywhat I had to do, right?
I couldn't do that because I couldn't find anything.

(49:38):
And so he told me. So I called into work and he
said he was coming home from work for me to come get him.
So I went to get him and on the way driving back home, we're
arguing and fussing and you know, I was driving and he
backhanded me across. I'm sorry again.
He backhanded me across the faceright here.
And I saw stars when he hit me. He hit me so hard and I'm

(50:01):
driving too. So I had to slam on the brakes
and kind of skid off the road. And he blacked that eye again,
and but this time it was swollenshut and.
And I'm waiting tables, you know, down here at this great
place. Yeah.
And I still got to go to work, you know, and that black eye
won't heal for two weeks. So anyway, I went home and I did

(50:21):
the whole frozen cold spoon, youknow, I was going to say, what
was your. I tried to do everything makeup.
What was your? Excuse to the to the your.
Oh, that I I hit my eye on the corner of my Toyota Camry door,
My car door, because I'm just short enough.
Or maybe that would make sense. I don't know.
And so that's what I told everyone.

(50:41):
And but I had a a regular table that came in every week of four
local FBI agents and they were my regulars and they called
bullshit on it. And I told him the truth and
they said, do you want us to payhim a visit?
And I said, fuck no, that'll only make it worse.
And it would have, you know, butthey were offered to do that.

(51:02):
And I thought that was just. They sniffed it out.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know. But anyway, so he and I stayed
together and had our son. It came to an end when Eli was a
year and a half and John threw me down a flight of stairs in
front of him. And when he did, I stood up and

(51:24):
I said that's that's it, I'm done getting beat.
I don't want my son to think that beating women is OK.
This is the way to raise people.And I told him that.
And I said, I don't love you, get the fuck out.
And he said, I've never loved you.
I'm gone and left. God.
So, and this was June of 2008. So we were together for about 2

(51:47):
1/2 years, not a little over maybe three years, but and so
then I had Eli, but we did 3 1/2days a week, 3 1/2 days a week.
So he would come and get him. He was staying with his mother.
And yeah, 5050. Yeah, he was staying with his
mom and I had the apartment which I could not afford by
myself, which was only $375 a month for two-bedroom, two, 1

(52:12):
1/2 bath and. You were making all that money.
But you know, I'm at this time, I'm buy, you know, I'm buying
tabs. I start buying this when I start
getting on Xanax. I'm buying weed, amount of
alcohol. I've got to pay for food.
I didn't have food stamps or anything like that, you know, so
and then gas and I've never beenreally good with money anyway,
so you know, it's cash. So I'll make it back tomorrow

(52:35):
shopping. So anyway, see, I, I started
going to the methadone clinic just before he and I split up.
That's what it was. I I stopped started going to the
methadone clinic because I couldnot take the sickness from
coming off those. So was this an effort to
actually make a change, or was this an effort just to?
Get just so I could stay well, just so I could stay well.

(52:56):
It was a, it was a for sure way that I could stay well, you
know, and I thought anybody who doesn't do this is stupid, you
know? Was this when they did the
liquid? Or was this the wafers?
It was liquid. They just, well, they still did
the wafers, but you had to be like a medical patient at that
time. The wafers were crazy.
Crazy. Yeah, I got the wafers.
One time we went to Chicago whenI guested I was there.

(53:17):
Yeah. Yeah, that was awesome.
Oh, let me tell you this. Let me back up just a second
because I didn't tell you this in 03.
I was living in Paducah Barton, and just before my sister came
home and told me this story and I had to go to Louisville, I was
at home in Paducah bartending and I did a wafer for the first
time. I did them with a 40 milligram

(53:39):
wafer. Took the whole thing.
Look, I was bartending and I wastaking tabs and the girl that I
work with who was getting me thetabs, she said, I asked her.
I said, do you have any more time?
She's like, no, my brother only had these.
And she was like, here's what you do.
You put it in a little shot glass of water, dissolve it and
then take it like a shot. I was like, OK, And she's like,
they're really strong, so be careful.
I'm like, OK, I didn't know thatthey could hurt you.

(54:01):
No, I did the whole 40 milligramway for an overdose.
I started. Like I bet you did.
I started vomiting up blood and and I was shutting down and it
was my sister's birthday. I didn't even realize it was her
birthday. And I call my mom and I'm like,
mom, something's really, really wrong with me.
And I have my own apartment stuff.
And she was like, what? Lindsay, she I'm not coming to

(54:22):
get you this bullshit. It's your sister's birthday.
We're cutting their cake. And I'm like, oh, mom, I don't,
I think I'm really done at this time.
Like I think I might be really sick.
And so she sent her boyfriend atthe time over and he found me
collapsed in the bathroom, bloodcoming out of my mouth.
And so he picked me up, cradle me, took me into the hospital,

(54:43):
and I was in liver failure and they had to innovate me with a
tube and pump this medication down to restore my liver
functions for like, I was in ICUfor a week or so.
And yeah, it was terrible. My uncle and my mother's brother

(55:04):
brought my little cousins who were teenage.
Well, my little cousin Morgan, she's like 10 years younger than
me, so she would have been 10:11-ish.
Brought them into the hospital to look and see.
This is what drugs do kids, you know, scare the shit out of
them. I.
Mean yeah, I speak in schools and I tell my story exactly how
it goes to 8th graders and to. Yeah, because you know what?

(55:28):
Had I known that, you know, there was a there?
There's a fear factor there. I was never afraid, you know.
I didn't know. Well, you just didn't.
Know yeah I just yeah I was ignorant you were never given me
yeah never knowledge on yeah that this was just good stuff
not it wouldn't kill you stuff you know whatever.
So, yeah, so let me go. So going forward, I just want to

(55:50):
tell you that quick story because that was wild one.
And that that has a lot to do with everything because I've had
kidney problems, liver problems all through my life now.
Is this all drug related? Or drug related, 100%.
Yep, Yep, Yep, Yep. I've done it to myself.
But yeah, so John and I break upthis August 2000 or June 2008
and I'm going to the clinic and I've see Sean and Sean has on a

(56:15):
fish shirt. Sean is 6/2.
Sean was dreamy. I thought, you know, I've always
liked like tall skinny dudes. Anyway, I just, I don't know,
it's my thing, but and I have a thing about noses, like I like
big noses. I don't, I don't know if that's
weird, but but he's had, he has on a fish T-shirt and he's got
this long hair, you know, and I'm like, oh, he's my dude.
Like he's my type of dude anyway, and I just thought he

(56:37):
was so cute. And I'm taking benzos at this
time too. Right before John and I broke
up, I started getting Xanax off a chick and she, you know, she
told me that if he mixes Xanax and methadone, it'll feel great.
And boy does it ever. That was my my thing.
I gotta be careful. Opiates and benzos my.
My be careful. Oh, I know that shit will.

(56:58):
Kill you. Well, but luckily I've never
died and I've taken a shit ton because oh God.
Anyway, so I'm I met, I met Seanand I gave my number and we've
set up a date for like a Saturday and he stood me up.
Really. Motherfucker stood me up the

(57:20):
first time they. Ghosted.
Ghosted I was. Fucking I was.
I took a picture of myself with my little flip phone crying.
Did. You send it.
To him. Then I showed it to him, yeah,
like so pathetic, but. And I'll never let him live that
down either. But a week later he saw me again
at the clinic. And a week later he's like,
yeah, come get me. But I think this because he's a

(57:42):
drug addict too, right? And I was getting benzos, Yeah,
I was steady getting benzos frompeople and Xanax.
And this older lady, she was getting her script of bars on
this Thursday and had it all setup, you know, go to the clinic,
take the old lady to clinic. She goes to the clinic, we're
going to go get her bars, get high, have a good day and that

(58:02):
there's. So that day, get high and go
pick up Sean. So I go pick up Sean.
When I pick up Sean, I hand him 4 bars and he's like, Oh yeah,
this is my bitch. Yeah, that's no but 4. 4 bars
for free is not nothing. No, not nothing.
We ended up going to get the entire bottle that night.
But yeah, he and I just hit it off.

(58:24):
We were just like running buddies from the very start.
You know? He, he was on the methadone too,
and his thing was Xanax too, buthis thing was also crack cocaine
too. And I never smoked crack.
And so I did and I fucking lovedit.
I loved 'cause I love coke, but I really love that 1111.

(58:50):
The old bell ringer. Yeah, bell ringer, you don't get
a bell. If you don't get a bell ringer,
you ain't doing right. Right.
So I remember it was a week, oneweek to the day after he and I
got together. He and I got together August
8th, 2008. We had $50.00 to our name.
We went and got we went and got a $10 bag of crack. $50.00 to

(59:13):
your name. To our names.
Yeah, to our names. And so you're and my son is with
his grandparents or his dad and his grandparents.
And you're, you're going to figuring out how you're going to
divvy up this. 50 yes. So we went got we no, let me
take that back. Let me take that back.
So we had a little bit more money than that.
I think we had 100 to our names because we'd already gone over
there and gotten cracked twice. So I'm guessing we got 250.
Which is very common. Yeah, yeah.

(59:34):
And then so we had $50.00 left to our name.
Explain. Explain that to our viewers.
How crack works where you go to get a 20?
And then you ended the second it's over, you're going to get
another one to get another one. I mean, why don't just buy a big
bunch of one time? No, because you don't wanna,
because you're not gonna do thatmuch, you know?
You never think it's gonna be like that.
No and. You go back 20/20/2020. 2530 got

(59:57):
me 6 felonies yeah so yeah that night I'd I'd only ever had a
DUI when I was 23 that got dropped to reckless driving.
That's the only time I'd ever gotten arrested and.
It was my birthday, my 23rd birthday.
They sent me happy birthday whenI got into jail.
No shit. They sung you happy with what
they made. Yeah, the cops did.
The cops. Yeah, the cops did.

(01:00:17):
Yeah, the cops. It is your Because I was like,
it's my birthday. And they're like, it is your
birthday. Happy birthday.
And I was like, you fucking asshole.
That was funny, though. They were nice.
They were kind of me, but anyway, and that got dropped
from reckless driving. So it was like nothing, you
know, right. And then so we were in Beecher
Terrace, which is the projects in Louisville.
Everyone knows this to be a little boy.

(01:00:39):
You, you know and. It's a project.
No, yeah, and Beecher is a very popular, I don't know, popular.
Famous is the right word. But anyway, it's the projects,
and you don't see white people there, so.
And you definitely don't see little blonde white people
driving a Toyota Camry there. Nope.
At 11:00 at night with her headlights off.
Because that's what I did pulling out from getting my 30.

(01:01:01):
And for some unknown reason, look, I folded the 30-UP in a
$10.00 bill like a square. OK, Why did I do this?
I have no idea. Because that hurt going in.
You know where? I fucking.
Better because because look, I am pulling out Beacher tariffs

(01:01:21):
with no lights on. Go to turn left.
There's a minivan sitting acrossthe street from me at the time
with his lights on. I think he's coming out.
It's a minivan, You know, whatever.
I turn left, 114 Wheelers and I have before I can get 'cause I
have a little dress on before I can get my hand out of my skirt.
I've got a nine right here and Sean's got one in his head too.
And there's four Wheelers comingup.

(01:01:41):
They're like, oh, we got you now.
Why are they? It was the drug unit.
It was a big drug unit. They were doing huge drug bust
over there and so and they were really, really, really trying.
To get people they're pushing toget to.
The top and they were trying to get people from Indiana to quit
coming over to Kentucky because it's just right across the Ohio
River. Quit trying to get them to come
over because we were flooding the place coming over and

(01:02:02):
getting crack and soaking heroin.
But they're trying to cut that out and they'd already busted.
Sean's dad got busted by the same people that morning.
Another friend of ours got busted later on the afternoon.
And I got it. I got it.
But look, when the cops pulled me over, they got me out of the
car and they said, you know, what do you have on you?
And we saw your when they, when they pulled up, they said her
hands coming over skirt, hands coming over skirt.

(01:02:24):
And I was like, fuck. And it was just too fast.
They were just too fast. Yeah.
And so they got me out. They're lucky.
They must have been quick. They were so quick.
I mean, before, before that was the minivan.
They were in the minivan. It was a drug unit and like it
was probably 6 or 8 cops come out and then two on 4 Wheelers
and. Fucking 4.

(01:02:44):
Wheelers 4. Wheelers in the projects is what
they do. Yeah, yeah, everybody knows.
I mean, this was what the fuck? Yeah, this is what they were
doing. Like this big drug thing.
I'm trying to bust people but I swear to this day and I don't
give a shit what anybody says. My dealer had to have gotten
busted turn and said I'll give you some people up because that
little motherfucker was walking across the yard and I said

(01:03:05):
there's the dealer right there, go get his ass.
Oh you, Oh you fucking flipped on him immediately.
But look, he was the same dealerwho got Sean's dad, same dealer
who got our friend. He was turning all of us in.
He'd flip, you know, he did thisto us.
And so and I, you know, you kindof knew it, you know, like right
away. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

(01:03:26):
Yeah. He, he'd gotten busted in the
heat in order for him to make a deal.
It was something like, I'll giveyou certain amount of people,
you know, and so they didn't care at all.
And but they did say look at youand look at him.
He's skinny. He's, he's obviously the
crackhead. And I said no, no, no, no, this
is my dope, 'cause I, I didn't have AI, didn't have a driver's

(01:03:48):
license. I didn't have like so many
different things. And I was like, I'm, I'm not
gonna push this off on someone else.
I'm taking this charge. I mean.
You're fucked either. Way either right and but he was
able to drive off in my car withmy cell phone and my house keys
after one week of knowing him and I'm going to jail with six
felony charges. Oh boy.

(01:04:08):
Yeah. So.
First time to jail. Big Louisville, OH second. 2nd
but first real. Stay Louisville, Louisville
metro, you know, I mean it's stories of jails, you know, it's
crazy. But anyway, I went in there and
fit right in. It's like the.
Women normally get along pretty good.
We did well to, yeah, to an extent, yeah.

(01:04:29):
But I was fine. The only thing is I started
getting sick, you know? Tell us about that.
Oh my God, I don't wish it on myworst enemy.
I really don't. I don't really have any enemies,
but I really don't wish it. It's the worst thing ever.
I think it's like the worst it's.
Top. Three worst experiences I've.
Ever had in my life? Yeah, for sure.
Detoxing in jail? Yeah, yeah, yeah, because, well,

(01:04:51):
you know what? I'd rather detox in jail than I
went on the streets because. You can't get it.
You can't get it, so it's not, it's not right.
But on the streets you can get it, or you may be able to get it
so it hurts. Worse time?
Well no, your brain doesn't fucking shut off, right?
How can I get money? How?
Can I get money? How can I get money?
Boom, shut down. You're shut down.

(01:05:13):
You're cut off. You're done, Yeah.
So I see how it's really easy toget sober in jail, you know?
You have a choice. Yeah, I say that too, is it's
easy to sober up in jail, my God, you know, but then you've
got shit coming in the jails too, if you're in there long.
But so anyway, but you know, this was on a Thursday night.
By Friday morning, you know, Friday midday, I'm starting to

(01:05:34):
get really sick. And so the girls in there, the
only thing I could do is give mea rolling a cigarette.
And they did. But that just made me even more
sick smoking that thing. But Sunday they had court, yeah.
And so I went down for court on Sunday and.

(01:05:55):
They do court on Sunday. Yeah, they do week in court in
jail in Louisville. Really Yep Yep, cuz they have so
many shit that's gonna rest Yeah.
So yeah, if it's awesome though to have week in court, you have
to wait till Monday. You have to wait in Indiana,
you're locked up on Friday. You're staying till Monday for.
Sure, same thing in Ohio. Yep.
So we had Sunday Court and Sean was there.
He was on the other side of the screen.

(01:06:16):
I couldn't fucking believe it because I didn't know him, you
know, I'd only known him a week.And what did I know of him is
that he liked crack. He had a fish.
Shirt he had a you know, he was a hippie.
He was dreamy yeah, yeah, he's dreamy, yeah, yeah.
But I didn't know a lot about him, you know but I knew he had
myself, my car, my house, you know and and so I'm praying to

(01:06:38):
God that I've still got these things right, Right.
And then he's there, he shows upfor me and I was just like, Oh
my God, like I love him so much.Like this is wonderful.
You know, so, and I do because we're still together 17 years
later. But you know, for him to have
showed up, that just meant so much.
And so so the judge awarded me and.

(01:06:59):
You know are for that shit. Yeah. 6 felonies.
Look, I have 9 felonies on my onmy record and I've never done
more than four days in jail. It's unbelievable.
Never. And I say, and I don't care what
anybody says, I feel like that is kind of white privilege.
I mean because any black person I have to like in my my.
Fuck that, I did. Year and a half, probably.

(01:07:19):
Or any other person maybe like I, I don't know, I'm just lucky
as fuck. That's my heart.
Just. Got lucky on those.
I still am my probation officersto this day is so cool.
But you know what, I think it's because I'm just kind of
brutally honest. You know, I'm just like, I don't
try to bullshit, right? And that, that's with everything
you know. That does help.
Yeah, yeah, it does help. I'm honest to a fault almost,

(01:07:41):
you know? But anyway, so let's see.
Yeah. So get out of jail.
We kind of go back to the same thing.
I get evicted from that apartment because I'm not paying
my rent, and he and I start kindof hopping from hotel to hotel
to hotel. And this is how we lived.
And this is how we lived until 2010.

(01:08:02):
And the summer of 2010, we are going to the clinic.
We meet this dude at the clinic,an older cat.
Clinic is where you can meet everybody, hey.
Let me tell you something, the clinic is the fucking trap.
I mean, if you want to go get, go to the clinic.
You can get anything there. You know, anything.
So anyway, yeah, so meet this older guy.

(01:08:24):
He's from Chicago and we just love him, you know, he's like a
gangster for real. You know, I feel like.
Yeah, like he was, he was a Vietnam War vet.
So he's an older guy. Yeah.
And he loves the needle, like, loves heroin.
And let me back up just a second, because you know what?
I haven't even gone to me. I'm.
I've already shot up dope at this point and I haven't even

(01:08:46):
gone to that. I totally skipped over that.
I'm so sorry. You had or you had.
I have. Yeah, I'm that story is like,
that's OK, So OK, so. Once you started with the
needle, did you ever? No.
Go back. Oh, hell do you.
No, no. OK, so no, no.
OK so 2006, 2006 I have my little boy me and John.

(01:09:12):
Let me scroll back to this. So me and John are still
together and his family and stuff is not really helping us
up in in Indiana. And so I'm like I'm I'll get
more help if I move back home. My dad had a two-bedroom 2 bath
house he owned for rent my biological dad and so he let me
rent it and it had a garage and everything.
He let me rent it for $600 a month and that was everything

(01:09:34):
included electricity everything.And it was a nice little house
at a paid driveway. It was cute, really cute house.
But anyway, so I moved back to Paducah with John and Eli and
the very night that we pulled inwith that 24 foot U-Haul, I
jumped out and we live on FultonDrive in Paducah and anyone,
everyone knows Fulton Drive is the ghetto.

(01:09:56):
It's the ghetto. I'm not.
We're the only white people on the block.
And so I jump out. I see this cat, this man
standing on his porch and he's waving.
I went over and I waved. I said, do you know where I can
get any pay bills? He said absolutely right there.
I've got my connects OK within 5minutes.
So I'm like all right, good. First thing, yes settle that
settle that OK, good. Got that a little yeah, I could

(01:10:16):
be here. So yeah.
So I just get a job waiting tables.
He gets a job. My cousin actually got him a job
as a manager of a cell phone store and they sold like
different types of cell phones. You know, it's like, and
everything cell phone store. And it wasn't like, just like
one particular, like, Apple or something, you know?

(01:10:37):
And so we did. We worked.
And then John came home one day.Then he had like 200 bucks in
his pocket. And he said, yeah, there's a
mix. It was like in a strip mall and
there's a Mexican restaurant next door.
He said that the owner of the Mexican restaurant needed help
with this computer. I ended up helping with this
computer and he gave me 200 bucks.
I was like, oh, that's fucking awesome.

(01:10:58):
That's great. Hell yeah.
He's like, I think it's something I might be able to do
often. I was like, OK, cool.
And I was done the wiser. And that was a fucking law.
Because like 6 months later, I come home from work and he's
sitting on the couch. He's like, I've got to talk to
you. And I'm like, what?
He's like, well, I've been embezzling money.
All the money that I brought home, and this is like 2 or $300

(01:11:19):
a day, OK? All the money I've brought home
has been coming out of the register.
The cops know they've investigated.
And I'm leaving. He's running OK, And he takes a
bong. He takes 1/5 of whiskey and his
clothing my Toyota Camry and heads to Indiana and I'm in

(01:11:39):
Western Kentucky with our son A2bedroom house and I'm driving my
Grande's little beat up pickup truck and he's gone.
That's now this abusive one, right?
So I wouldn't think anything less right.
And so, yeah, he left and he came up here and got a job and
was hiding, running from the cops.

(01:11:59):
And he did, he ran successfully for like 4 years.
It's pretty good. Four years they got him and then
he did 15 months. But anyway, and that's how he
sobered up. And when he got out of jail, oh
boy, did he ever think he was somuch better than me.
You know, the night, the night he went to jail, he was sleeping
on, excuse me, he was sleeping on my, I had a new apartment.

(01:12:21):
He and I didn't have it furnished yet.
He was sleeping on my living room floor because he was
homeless. But, you know, and then he got
arrested and did 15 months, he'dcome out.
Once he got clean, he was a man.Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, wrong attitude to have. Yeah, for sure.
Yeah. So anyway, yeah, I go back to
that. So, so during that time, I ended

(01:12:43):
up, you know, I couldn't afford the house by myself.
And my family was just, my family all knew about this
because my cousin was friends with the owner.
I, I had to go and talk to the detective to make sure I wasn't
involved, you know, because they, how could she not know?
I had no clue, no clue. I really didn't.
And so they cleared me or whatever.

(01:13:05):
And me and me and Eli ended up moving in with my mother.
And on Super Bowl Sunday, I'll never forget, I was sick.
And so I knew my grandmother hadcodeine syrup because she had a
bad cough and I knew she had that at her house.
So when they all got to my family, my mother's house for
Super Bowl Sunday, I said, I'll be right back in the Ernst and

(01:13:27):
soaring at cigarettes. I ran right down to my
grandmother's, drank that whole bottle of syrup, filled it up
with water and went back and hada great Super Bowl.
Well, my grandmother went to take the syrup and obviously
noticed it wasn't syrup and knewexactly who took it and
confronted me the next day. And my grandmother, remember,
she's ignored all this. She's the only one who's really

(01:13:47):
ignored. So she when she confronted me, I
was like, oh God, you know, it'sjust I'm fucking terrible
person. And I was, but she said,
Lindsey, I want you to get help.And so I went into rehab for the
first time and it was a William H Fuller Center in Mayfield, KY,
28 day program. And the fucked up thing was, is

(01:14:09):
that my best friend at the time who I was running and gunning
with, her name was Tina. She had to be court ordered into
rehab just a few days earlier. She was there.
So it was a party. We had the best time.
You know, we just goofed off thewhole time.
And there was this guy there named Joel, and I just thought
he was the cutest thing ever. And he was with, you know, all

(01:14:30):
the rest of us come up pills or coke or alcohol.
But Joel was coming off methadone and methadone was big.
You know, I thought, oh, that's that's cool.
You know, like he's cool. He's coming off a harder drug,
you know, like a big, you know, he's a big drug addict, you
know, like sounds. So.
Ridiculous, I know, doesn't it? Right.
You know, I always had like, this, like, weird fantasy or

(01:14:53):
like weird, like, look at like heroin addicts, like, oh, that's
kind of hot. Like, that's cool.
Like, that's. I don't know.
It's so like, I don't know, to me, isn't that so weird?
Yeah. So it's like a little girl who
wants to grow up and be a stripper.
No. No one ever says they want to
grow up and be a drug addict. But some people fantasize about

(01:15:15):
it. Maybe.
I don't know, maybe it's a little bit too much.
But anyway, no, I didn't. But so when we get out, when I
get out, and so Joel and I starttalking, you know, clicking up
or whatever, when we get out, wehave this.
You've got a terrible picker. Oh, oh, my God, Do I ever
fucking terrible? Do I fucking ever?
God, yeah. But so two days I get out, I get

(01:15:38):
out. Two days later he gets out.
And that day we went and got Oxycontin and he had a dealer
and we were getting Oxy 80s for $20 a piece, $20 a piece with
love. Love, not only did she got Oxy
80s, she got the Oxy R tins and Oxy R 20s.
Her mother got the Oxy R 20s andshe got the Oxy R tins.

(01:15:59):
And you could just eat those andyou'd still get, you know, and,
but anyway, so we were getting the 80s for $20 a piece, But but
the second day, for some reason,we couldn't get ahold of her.
And so we're at his house, his dad's house.
His dad, God rest his soul. He looked and acted just like
Bob Dylan. If there was ever an

(01:16:21):
impersonator, and he didn't meanto.
He was just like, I don't know, it's funny, but he was such a
cool dude. He was prescribed K eights
still. I did K eights and had a whole
bottle of him in his thing. I.
Remember him, Joe? Snatched those right up, brought
him in there. I had no clue what they were,
you know? And he's like, are they ever
made? That's the first thing I shot

(01:16:41):
up. Oh my God, that was the first
thing you shot this. Is so fucked up.
This is so crazy. So we didn't have a needle.
We did not have a rig. And Joel's like, can you get a
needle? I was like, yeah, my
grandmother's a diabetic. He's like, go home, get one.
I did not know what I was fucking looking for.
My grandfather had horses and I'm up in the cabinet.

(01:17:02):
I get a fucking horse needle, like a 20 milk.
Milk. I don't know what it 20 gauge,
20 gauge, you know the holes youcan see through the whole
massive. Yeah, I take that.
Like what they do plasma it's almost like.
Plasma. Yeah, Yeah, Yep.
And I take that back to me, he'slike, what the fuck is hell no,
he did it. He used it, but he refused to
use it on me because I'm tiny, Ihave little veins.

(01:17:23):
He's like, I'm going to get. So he called the buddy over
buddy Josh, I worked with the Cracker Barrel and he brought
over rig and I'm sorry. And he brought over rig and for
an exchange for K8 and I had to beg him to hit me because Joel
said I will not do that to you for the first time because once
you do it, it's over. It's over.
Especially a Dilaudid. Oh yeah, yeah.

(01:17:45):
And we had a whole bottle, but he did most of them.
He was stingy as fuck. Whole bottle.
Yeah, he was stingy as fuck, though.
He did it. And I didn't know, you know, And
they were not giving me an entire one, obviously.
They gave me half, AKA one. Yeah, I would.
I couldn't have done a whole 1, I don't think.
But anyway, so so I begged and begged and bagged and finally
Josh was like, all right, he's like, I'm I'm just warning you.

(01:18:06):
He's like and I and please don'tever, ever, ever blame me for
this. I said I won't.
I said I want I want this and and he did and I fucking that
was it. It was over.
I was so in love. I mean.
It's the rush. It was everything I've ever
needed. It was everything I ever needed.
I don't. I don't know how to explain it

(01:18:26):
like it. I remember the rush.
I remember like not being able to breathe like.
The breath being taken. Out of my lungs and.
It's just. I like, felt.
I remember like wanting to fall to my knees.
Like it was just like, Oh my. And then if you want to puke or
you feel like you're going to puke and you can hold that in,
that's even the best, you know? But so yeah, so so I started

(01:18:49):
shooting up at that time, so all.
All from that point. On I'm shooting up, you're using
a needle. Yep, and.
So you're bad. I am bad.
You're bad off. Yeah, but John, John was not
using a needle when I came back up here after that, because this
is still O 6. So Joel, the Oxys ran out at one

(01:19:11):
point and I got pissed. John is on the phone with me
begging me to come back up to Indiana, you know, and because
he had run, you know, so we're apart at this time.
And, and he said, I said, there's nothing, I can't get
dope up there. He's like, I can get you heroin.
I was like, oh really? So then I'm off to there.

(01:19:33):
I'm running to the heroin. And the first time I got there,
he got me a bag 1/10 and I did it all.
I did the whole 10th and gave him the rinse and he was high
off the rinse, so it was fine. Yeah, but I shot him up for the
first time. I did with no, with no, you
know, because they, you know, you learn pretty quick, you
know. And so anyway, and if you even

(01:19:54):
if you don't do it right, you'regoing to stab yourself till you
do, you know what I mean? Yep.
God, I went one time. I went one time right here and
right here. And got abscesses right in my
wrist. Yeah, that's.
I got Abscess. They're they're they're there at
the same time. See, I never I have fantastic.
Veins, yeah. Like, yeah.
So does Sean. Yeah, I.
Didn't have to worry about. It nothing, but anyway, yeah, so

(01:20:18):
skipping ahead, Sean and I are together 2010.
We're doing heroin and every day, more so he.
Came to court. Right.
Yeah. He came to court and then and
we're together after that, right.
And so then we're hotel hopping because I got it, you know, I

(01:20:39):
got kicked out of my apartment. And so he and our hotel hopping,
we're getting money from his grandmother every day.
His grandmother's giving us $100a day or so.
Just wait, she works at a hotel,she's an accountant at a hotel
and the owner of the hotel he's he owns some strip clubs he

(01:21:00):
owns. You know, not necessarily a
shady character, but not necessarily a good guy either
is. His last name?
Patel. No, but there there's one that
owns that now. OK, so just curious.
No, no, it's not. I'll tell you his last name
later. But anyway, I don't want to, you
know, get in trouble or anything.
But so so like I said, 2010 Seanand I meet this dude at the

(01:21:22):
clinic. Chuck was his name Chuck and
he's from Chicago and he loved, you know, he was being a heroin,
but he could get good heroin. You know, we were getting stuff,
but he could get really good shit.
And so we're going to his house every day and doing it and we
because we're just doing the clinic.
But now, let me explain something to you.

(01:21:43):
This entire time that Sean are together every single single
single day, no matter what, heroin be damned, we're getting
Xanax. I have to have Xanax.
Sean has has Xanax. We're addicted to Xanax.
And it's like to the point we will get sick, you know it.
I mean, and I don't know if anybody's ever experienced A
benzo sickness, but it's worse than heroin, I promise you.

(01:22:05):
I mean, it's just it is. It is.
And that is one thing that you can die coming off of, you know,
benzos and alcohol. But yeah, it's and it's scary,
but so that was an everyday thing.
Grandmother giving us $100. We each have to have like $16.00
to dose. So that's 32.

(01:22:26):
And then, you know, a tenth, maybe 2/10 of heroin, that'd be
50. So we're at $80 now.
And then if we we have to choosebetween the heroin or maybe
getting 110th of heroin, which would be 25, and then getting
some Xanaxes. So maybe we maybe have like a
pack of cigarettes and we have to go every day to Wendy's
because they have the best dollar menu.

(01:22:47):
Junior Beck and. Cheeseburgers just about to ask.
Junior Beck and Cheeseburgers, yes, hit, hit, hit.
So that was our $100 a day, every day, boom boom, boom.
And that was how how it went fora long fucking time.
That's not bad. No, hell no.
No, it was great. I mean as great as a junkie
game. Dumb as it sounds for me to say.
That, yes, that's not bad. That's not bad.
But the reason it's not bad is because we're not having a go

(01:23:09):
out and hustle for that money. We're going to work for that
money. Yeah, that money's being given,
you know, But then that went on for eight years, eight years, 8
fucking eight years, 2016, 2008,2016, 2016.
She got busted for embezzlement.Yeah.
And now, now, when she got busted, we were getting upwards

(01:23:30):
of $200 a day. And now she we're not the only
people she's giving money to because Dad, Shawn's dad, God
rest his soul. Oh, my God, that this is a
recent loss. OK.
He just overdosed in March. Really.
And he was like one of my best fucking friends, dude.
He really was anyway, you know, she was giving him money too.

(01:23:51):
And he was way worse than we were, you know, he was, he was.
I wish you could have met him. He was fucking wild.
The best dude ever, though, So is so good.
The heart of gold. But the worst junkie ever, like
the worst addict ever, you know,And me and him and Sean would
fight to the fucking death over crack, you know.
Oh, you got more. No, you got more, you know,

(01:24:13):
don't do less hit. And then with last hits over and
we're punching each other, you know.
But anyway, it's like I said, his, you know, his dad's passed
away recently, but but his grandmother was given his dad a
little bit more money than us. And, and she was giving her
daughter money and she was giving us money.
So it was a lot more than just $100 a day that she was getting
out. I would say, and I guess, and

(01:24:36):
this is just me personally, I'm guessing that she probably
embezzled around 3,000,000 but they only got her for 85,000 and
70 years old. That bitch went and did 10
months in in prison in the feds,yes, and did it like a boss.
Oh, I mean, I mean like a boss. She's a boss bitch.
Anyway, I love his grandmother, man.

(01:24:56):
Ten months in the feds is. She isn't oh, I mean they she,
they call her OG. She is an OG.
I'm telling you that bitch she oh God, I love her so much.
But anyway. 70 years old. 70 years old, she is a trooper,
man, she's awesome. But anyway, yeah, so.
So yeah, she got sentenced to that.
But before she did get sentenced, me and Sean ended up,

(01:25:19):
well, we lost our apartment because she paid her rent, she
paid her bills, she paid her everything, you know,
everything. And so we moved in with his dad.
And when we did, Sean and I at the time are not smoking crack.
You know, we've kind of ended that, you know, that phase of
our life or whatever. We were selling weed, Sean was
stealing weed and. He was.

(01:25:39):
Stealing weed, dealing, dealing weed.
I'm sorry. And and and not a lot, you know,
we'd only get an ounce at a time.
You know, it was just 20 bags here and there.
But anyway, let's see that his his guy that he was getting it
from ended up murdered in Louisville in a triple shooting.
And this is one of the nicest people you've ever met in your

(01:26:00):
life. He was such a great, great guy.
Hippie, hippie, hippie dude. Sweet, sweet.
I mean, I can't imagine somebodykilling him, but it was the the
shooter was a cousin of the people's house he was at.
And he come in and shot his cousin, shot his wife and then
shot the. Yeah, execution.
Yeah. And then he went to shoot the

(01:26:21):
guy's girlfriend and ran out of bullets and she was able to run.
But her, her boyfriend's brains are splattered all over her
face. Yeah, yeah.
She's she's she was fucked up over that.
I can't imagine. I I, I cannot imagine.
And he was a very, very, very close friend, and his brother
still is. It's like they're more like
family to us than friends, honestly.

(01:26:42):
It's so fucked up. I Sean talks about it.
I bet once a week he's like, God, I miss Doug.
And I'm like, yeah, me too. It's fucked up, so fucked up.
But anyway, so, yeah, during that time, so we didn't have any
more income personally, so we couldn't pay for our dose
anymore. And so I, I have, you know, a

(01:27:03):
plethora of clothing, jewelry, shoulder, Shawn, nice shoes.
And we're steady getting rid of it little by little for crack
because we're moving with the dad and we're doing benzos,
crack and methadone every day and fighting, you know, crazy.
Yeah. But we, I mean, we unloaded that
house. That house had furniture like
this gone huge, TV's gone, you know, down to the bare minimum,

(01:27:28):
you know, our beds, you know, And it became fucking miserable
at this time, too. We're still shooting up heroin
here and there. And I'd gotten kicked off the
methadone clinic for benzo use because, you know, eventually,
sometimes they will say fuck you, You know, you're not
getting clean. You're not trying to do right.

(01:27:49):
You need to go. And when I did, I was, like,
distraught, What am I going to do?
You know, like, I have to get dope now or, you know, whatever.
Yeah, you're sick. Yeah, it's terribly sick.
And so I remember I was had an appointment to go over to
another methadone clinic in Louisville, and I went over
there and they couldn't get me in that day and I had $100 to

(01:28:10):
pay them to get me in that day. Well, they couldn't.
So what did I do? I went to the West in Louisville
and scored some heroin. The heroin I got, when you put
the water on it, it turned as orange as your cap.
It was not, it was not right, you know, and Sean's like, hey,
I'm, I'm not doing that shit. And I was like, just, you know,
whatever, I'm doing it. And so I did it and it was OK,

(01:28:30):
but it was not good. It was junk.
And Sean's like, that's it. I'm fucking done.
I'm done. I'm never doing this shit again.
And he threw his rig away and I was like, you know what, me too.
And I bit that needle and I put it away.
And we have not touched the needle or a list of opiates
since 2016. Good for you.
I bet my needle probably 30 times.
And me too, me too. That and that would unbend it,

(01:28:50):
yeah. I've done that too.
I've done that too. Still use it.
Have you ever, Well, I'm sure you have, you know, used one
that was so dull. That's just you know, you know,
or shared. I've shared needles with
everybody and their brother. I can't believe I don't have
anything. I really.
I shared a needle with a kid whohad hep C knowingly.
Yeah. And I I'd rinse it out with

(01:29:12):
bleach. Me too.
Yeah, because. I heard that that's how it kills
it. It does not.
I don't think it does, but. But I don't have hep.
C Thank God for that and. I don't know how.
Well, that's exact same thing because Sean had Hep C or he had
hep C. He's gotten the cure for it now,
and he's, he's clean or you know.
Yeah, you can cure. It Yeah, yeah.
Now you can cure it, thank God. Now when he was diagnosed, he

(01:29:32):
was diagnosed in 2010 and he didnot get treatment till 2022.
And we were so afraid that he was going to have cirrhosis or
something like that. And he's perfectly fine other
than he can't gain weight. But that's, you know, some kind
of issue. Skinny dudes out.
But no. But anyway, yeah, so, so it got

(01:29:53):
bad. So we were done, you know, we
were done. We were just over it, you know,
just tired, just really fucking tired.
And we asked his mother to move in with her.
And now let me explain somethingto you.
His mother is married to Sean's stepdad, has been since Sean was
nine years old and that's who raised him, his mother and his

(01:30:14):
stepdad. His stepdad is a retired
narcotics detective and the biggest retired, I mean the
biggest narcotics detective in our city of Jeffersonville, IN.
I mean, like he wrote the book for drug bust and is just like
popular hero because he was shotin a lot of duty in 2009 and
almost killed. He was shot three times.

(01:30:35):
The bullet split up in like 6 fragments or something.
He had to have surgery. He was in the hospital forever.
It ruptured his femoral artery. He said we got some leg.
Yeah, yeah, he yeah, he flatlined, I think they said on
the operating table for like a minute or something.
But they got him back. Thank God.
Thank God. Because let me tell you
something. And I hated that fucking man.

(01:30:56):
I hated his ass when Sean and I got together because he was
narc, you know, like he was the enemy.
He was the enemy, right? And, but let me tell you that is
he's been one of the most influential and powerful like
men in my life. Like I love him as if he was my
own fucking dad. I, I, I care so much about him

(01:31:17):
and you'll understand why in a minute.
But he raised Sean and I think for a long time, like he I don't
know, you know, because Shawn's dad is a junkie.
His real dad was a junkie. His stepdad's an art.
Like that's a hard in between there to beat, right?
You know, pick who who, you know.
And he kind of picked his dad nothing.
And his stepdad, you know, kind of felt, I don't know some way

(01:31:38):
about that. But anyway, that's neither him
nor there. But so they let us move into
their home and we're still addicted to benzos.
OK, Now I'm, I've got to connect, you know, and I
actually, I've got 3 connects atthat time and, but one run out,
you know, the next one run off and it was like they're all

(01:31:59):
starting to fade. It was like this time and, and
everything was telling us, you know, so I made an appointment
with psychiatrist to get seen because I'm, I'm an actress, you
know, I can put it on. And not to say that I didn't
have anxiety because I really do, or you know, I do have.
Well, I've been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder, which
is not just regular anxiety, it's panic attacks.

(01:32:20):
It's, you know, when you walk out the door to go to the
grocery, Oh my God, you're goingto die in a car, like type shit
thinking all the time, you know,and I really do think like that.
But it's, I've, I've realized now later on that it's not
something I can't manage, you know, myself, you know, without
medication. And I feel like I can, you know,
because I've been medicated since 2019 on Xanax.

(01:32:43):
I never told you this part. This is crazy.
You will not believe this. You will not fucking believe me.
In 2010, I let me back in 2010, I went to a psychiatrist.
I don't want to fucking say thatbitch's name, but I'm not going
to because I don't. But anyway, she was a well known

(01:33:04):
scriptwriter, OK, well known. She cash only, no insurance,
cash only. And I went to her for to get
Suboxone, OK, because she wrote Suboxone prescriptions.
And so I went there and the first day the the lady tells me
to just swallow the Suboxone. Well, I knew better than that,
you know, So I kept it on my top.

(01:33:26):
The sublingual strips. No, the round tablets, the round
tablet, 8 mill group tablets, the stops on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep, Yep.
And they did have a generic backthen.
So these fuckers are expensive. You know, my prescription a
month is over $900. Jesus.
Well, but she wrote me 8 tabletsa day, 88 milligrams.
To have 64 milligrams of Suboxone today was what I was
on, which is stupid because I think at that time they did not

(01:33:47):
have the knowledge to know that over 32 milligrams, it doesn't
do anything extra. They didn't have that knowledge
back then, right? But yeah, so she wrote me 64
milligrams of Suboxone today. She wrote me, Oh my God, I don't
want to mess up the number 6 to 12 milligrams of Xanax a day, 62
milligram bars, 62 milligram bars on my on my children's

(01:34:11):
life. I was prescribed that.
Is so. Much Xanax and 40 milligrams of
Lexapro. That was my daily dose.
Swear to God, I didn't drink that much.
I take that much because I sold most of Suboxones and me and
Sean ate, you know, 180 bars in four days.
I was going to say you. No, we.
You don't remember anything. No, you're just gone.
No, gone. That's what I was.
I was telling Sean's mom before I came up here.

(01:34:32):
I'm like, it's going to be kind of hard because like the last 17
years are kind of a blur, you know, because I've been on
benzos. But Sean and and I would
literally, and I swear literallygo through 180 bars in four days
between he and I. It's.
It's easy to do because, you know, you take four of them.
You take five of them. Like I don't feel nothing, you

(01:34:53):
know? Yeah, I feel good.
I'm going to feel even better. Yeah.
Yeah. Or.
And that doesn't, you know, you didn't just black out, do what
the fuck ever you do. I don't know, steal, lie, you
know, whatever. Yeah, I've done it all.
God damn. Yeah, yeah, So yeah, that I
forgot about telling you about that 'cause that was a big deal
too. And I don't know, there was like

(01:35:16):
a part of me that thought if I didn't get a thick prescription
that Sean would leave, you know?And I told him that the other
day. I was like, I always thought
that if I didn't get the Xanax prescription for you, right, I
was able to squirm or whatever, you would leave.
You know, he's like, why would you ever think that?
It's like, I don't know, you know, So, but anyway, yeah,
going for 2019, I get prescribed331 milligram tablets a day and

(01:35:42):
I've been prescribed that now for several years, well, ever
since and. So when you first get them, I'm
assuming that you do not take them as prescribed.
Sean and I go through 90, 3 milligram, you know, 91
milligram Xanax is in two days, three days, 2-3 days talks.
No, it's not 3 days talks. It's not hard to.

(01:36:03):
Do no. And in that three days we fuck
everything in our lives totally up.
You know, I usually get I usually get arrested.
No, I usually go to jail. Oh, OK.
Yeah, I usually go to jail for shoplifting because I do stupid
shit. I've between 2021 and 2023, I
got 4 shoplifting charges back-to-back to within like you

(01:36:25):
know, every three months I'd getpick one up and like three of
them. I didn't even really steal
anything, but they had. Misdemeanors.
It's. OK, Yeah, yeah.
Thank God. Thank you.
I have 13 of them with 13 misdemeanors.
It's about what I had, really. Yeah, I have 9 felonies.
Yeah, I only had four. Yeah but that's the good thing
is I only have like 2 months left on paper and I'm done.
And that wait a year and a half and I'm getting that fucker

(01:36:47):
expunged the whole damn thing, you know, and starting all over
and I'm 43 but I'm starting all your.
Crimes all expungeable. Yeah, yes, yeah, yeah.
No, I don't have any violent. I have no violent crimes.
I will tell you I got my record sealed and I went for a job and
they did a background check and I was like, is this going to
work? Yeah.

(01:37:07):
Did it work? It worked.
OK, Now let me tell you something.
I had a guy I was bartending andhe ran a private one on me
because I had, I took a diversion on my 6 felonies.
So it's not supposed to show up on my record because it's
diverted. And I he ran a private
background on me and it showed up and fired me.
Really. Yeah.

(01:37:29):
So there's, I think there's a way they can get around, but I
think if it's expunged, not diverted, then I don't think it
shows up. Yeah, I'm going to have to
really find that. I mean, it's sealed.
Like yeah, sealed is sealed is sealed diverted is like if you.
Call the courthouse. Yeah, they don't have the.
Paper. OK, they destroy it.
Good. Yeah, so.
But diverted is just kind of pushed aside a little bit, you

(01:37:49):
know where you can't really see it, but yeah, yeah, so I think
so too. But now where I'm at, OK, so
2019 the Xanax start to kind of run out, but I'm, I've got a
prescription, but those are gonein a couple days and we're sick,
you know, and so now before this, you know, we would get so

(01:38:11):
sick sometimes. You know, there was a time in
2015 when Sean had his seizure, you know, we were we were out
for like 3 days and couldn't getanything anywhere, couldn't find
Xanax to save my life. And Sean, we were on our way to
go get some. My ex-boyfriend Grant from you
know long ago, you know, he camefrom Louisville and picked us up

(01:38:32):
and took us to get some. But as we're crossing the bridge
to Kentucky, Sean seized up. And I hear this is the worst.
And I can't even do it the way he did it like the worst growl
cry. And I turn around and he's just
straight out like that. And I'm like, Oh my God, you
know, and I'm freaking the fuck out, 'cause I'm like, Oh no,
Sean, you know, And then he starts convulsing and, and he

(01:38:55):
was seized up straight out for maybe 3-4 minutes, like way too
fucking long. And then he starts convulsing
and he convulsed for, I mean, a good 20 minutes, 20, you know,
just, it was unstoppable. Just.
And I thought, he's fucking dying and.
You were driving, right? No, Grant.
Grant was driving. I'm in the passenger's seat,
over the seat, you know, like trying to do everything I can

(01:39:16):
for him not to hit his head. And Grant, finally, he stops.
He's like, he's going to swallowhis tongue because Grant has had
medical issues and so he's had seizures, and he sticks his
fingers in his mouth to hold histongue down.
And I was like, Oh my God. I said, Grant, what do we do?
Do we get to the hospital fasteror just Xanax faster?
He's like, I can get to the Xanax faster.
I was like, take me there. And I got him.
And I put a bar underneath John's tongue and he started

(01:39:38):
coming out of it. Wow.
It was so fucking scary, dude. Oh, but that was not that.
He had two more seizures and onewas 13 minutes long and one was
10 minutes long. That first one was 27 minutes
long. How he does not have brain
damage is beyond is beyond. Maybe he does.
No, I'm just kidding. No, it's beyond me, honestly.
But let me tell you something. He did not come back to who he
was right away. So I feel like there was

(01:40:00):
something wrong because, like, he's a huge Grateful Dead fan
and so am I. And so we know like words and
songs and dates and and I would ask him like easy questions and
he would not know. Not know and I called my mom and
I'm like mom what I do and she'slike honey, I don't know.
I said I think I'm going to start getting him to smoke weed
because he didn't smoke weed at the time.
She's like, well, I don't know if that'll help.

(01:40:21):
You know my mom's anti drug everything.
So anyway I did I got him a bag of weed because I just because
it was like when Charlotte's story.
Do you are you familiar with that?
The little girl? I think it was Colorado or
something that they started giving her you know like THC.
She had terrible seizures like all day long or something.
And this is a long time ago. 2015 yeah, YouTube.

(01:40:42):
It was like 2014 fifteen. It was a long time ago.
But anyway I would. Stop.
Yes and so I saw that and so I was like weed, you know maybe
it'll help and it sure as shit did I'm telling you he started
smoking weed right right that very night and he started kind
of coming out better. You know he was come back to
himself and I so I'm like smoke all the weed you want, but you

(01:41:02):
know I don't care. I, I'm not going to because I
can't stand and smell or how what it does to me.
But, you know, thank God for that plant, you know.
Almighty. Yeah, so he's.
Lucky to be alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, He is very
lucky to be alive, as are you. Yeah, me too.
Yeah, for sure. Yeah, 'cause I've had kidney
failure twice, liver failure once, but you know, anyway.

(01:41:23):
Take us to present day. Present day.
OK, so like I said, we, I got prescribed the Xanax 2019.
We got kicked out of his parentshouse in 2020.
Yeah, 2020. And then what?
COVID starts to hit, right? Well, COVID hits and he and I

(01:41:44):
are living at a friend's house, an older lady's house in
Charlestown. And she's like one of my best
friends or what it was. And we, I found out about this
job, we were at a hotel or something.
And all these people have this, this shirt and it said way to go
on it. I'm like, what is that?
And they're like, is this job and you can travel around the
country and it's just like bullshit.
And they pay you good money. And I looked it up and sure it

(01:42:06):
was like a merchandising job. And they pay you and you go to a
place in the country, you stay for six weeks, going to stores
like Walmart overnight and like redo their shelving and it's
fucking cake they give you per DM.
So like, me and Sean lived on our per diem and we didn't have
to touch our paychecks. So we're able to stack money and
we're able to get away from hereand the drugs and everything.

(01:42:28):
So we were prescribed Suboxone 2020.
We'd both gotten off the clinic and gotten on Suboxone, which
was a transition, but it was OK.And it was the best thing, you
know, as far as like opiate, youknow, use goes.
Yeah, I'm not really a big methadone supporter because I
was on it for 12 years and nothing in my life changed.

(01:42:49):
As a matter of fact, it got worse.
So I'm not big on. Yeah.
Exactly. Yeah, no, I don't agree with it
really at all. But the Suboxone, however, I I
feel like, you know, because it is prescribed, you can take it
at home. It's not like a social thing.
It you cannot get high off of it.
I don't give a shit what anyone says.
I mean like now it being. This makes you.

(01:43:10):
Yeah, right now. Oh yeah.
Now, if you were sober now as a as a addict, you know you're not
feeling enough. You have no.
Tolerance. Yeah, I've got a tolerance.
So I don't feel anything right. Yeah.
Now, if I get somebody who didn't have it, obviously, yeah,
they'd be sick because buprenorphine is the strongest
opiate from what I understand. But anyway, so he and I worked

(01:43:31):
the job, living in Colorado for six weeks, did another trip in
Missouri for six weeks, came back home, lived at his
grandparents, which is mother's parents.
And in 2021, we go to a fish concert and it's actually our
anniversary. August 8th, 2021 is a Saturday
and we're camping, you know, with this three day concert.
And I get out of the Jeep. We had a Jeep.

(01:43:52):
I get out of the Jeep and I feelnausea came across me and I'm
like, oh, this is a nausea I recognize.
And Sean and I have never used any type of protection in all
the years we've been together. And at that time we've been
together 14 years. We did not think he could have
children 'cause I'm fertile, mortal.
You know, I've already had two, right?
So I had no reason to worry. You know?

(01:44:14):
You're pregnant. I'm pregnant.
Yeah, I am, Prego. And.
But I'm fucking ecstatic about this one, OK?
Because it's like something special.
Because he and I've been together for so long.
We really love one another. Get it?
Right. Yeah.
Right. Right.
And I wanted a girl so bad. I was like, oh, please, you
know, And I had a girl. I had a little girl and God, my

(01:44:35):
God, she has been, I'm trying tocry.
She has been everything, everything in my fucking life.
That's good, yeah. Something to hold on to, yeah.
And the thing about it is, is like, you know, she's three
years old and for the last threeyears, I've been more sober than
I've ever been in my life because I've been trying to get
my shit together, you know, wentthrough like a DCS case, got

(01:44:57):
that clothes, you know, but she's still not living with me.
She's with Shawn's parents. We have joint custody, but they
have physical. We just, you know, we all share
joint, but they have physical and you know, like the pain of,
excuse me, the pain of going to visit her and leaving, I think,

(01:45:18):
and the Xanax prescription is what keeps me high, keeps me
doing shit, keeps me doing not right.
But that doing not right is whatkeeps me from her.
So it's like I'm shooting myselfin the fucking head right now.
I have a psychiatrist appointment on Thursday and

(01:45:39):
like, I finally feel like I've gotten the balls and the nerve
and I've told so many people this before and not done it, but
I feel like this time, like, andespecially doing this with you,
it's going to hold me accountable.
And you know, I have other things to hold me accountable,
but I'm going to tell my psychiatrist to keep take me off
those fucking mezzos, get me offof those just because make sure

(01:46:02):
they make sure it's my crutch. It's my crutch.
They got to do it right. We'll see.
The thing about it is I'm not dependent upon them anymore.
I don't get sick. No.
I'm not sick now. No.
And I just had some a few weeks,like a week and a half ago, my
half of my prescription. Damn.
OK. Because Sean and I take them in
such large amounts and such short amount of time that we

(01:46:25):
don't get dependent upon them, you see.
Yeah. Because we, you know, we got off
that dependence in 2019. And since then, we've been doing
the short intervals, but stupid short intervals, catching
charges, you know, being stupid,beating each other up.
And we've never been like that. You will thank yourself over and
over. It's going to change my fucking
life, man. I hope a year from now I can

(01:46:46):
come back and show you it will, you know, really, because it's
been everything that I've been holding on to and I haven't even
wanted to say it out loud for solong that I that it's my Xanax
is. What the problem?
So that leaves you with the Suboxone?
Yep, and. That's it, Suboxone, and I'm
good. Yeah.
So my whole goal is to do this and I'm going into an IOP, into

(01:47:06):
some outpatient program. I have an appointment Thursday,
so I have Thursday my big day, right?
It's a big day. Yeah.
It's a really fucking big day. Yeah.
Show up. I'm gonna do it, dude.
I'm going to fucking do it because that little girl
deserves better. I look at her and I'm like, you
don't deserve me, you know? So she does.
Yeah, yeah. You just got to go in there

(01:47:27):
Thursday and do the right thing.Absolutely.
Yeah, for sure. And you can do it.
Yep. So other than that, we're good
you. Know sorry about the tears.
No, it's OK. I'm just, I'm an emotional woman
anyway. But no.
It's OK, you're fine. If you could deliver a message
to anybody struggling currently,what would it be?
Because you're, I mean, everything you just told me is

(01:47:49):
fucking off the wall. No matter how bad or low you
get, the sun will come up tomorrow.
You can do this, you can get through this.
Just keep on keeping on because no matter how many times you get
down, you can get right the fuckback up, you know?

(01:48:12):
You've dug yourself out of a fucking massive hole, Yeah, and
you're almost out of. It almost up, almost to the top.
You're very close. Yep.
Congratulations, I I, I. You have my number so please let
me know how Thursday goes for. Sure, for sure I will.
Well, unless you have anything else, thank you so much for.
Coming on, thank you for having me.

(01:48:32):
It's been great. It's fantastic.
Thank you.

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How the Chains of Xanax Addiction Changed My Life Forever | Ep 80

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}How the Chains of Xanax Addiction Changed My Life Forever | Ep 80