I Graduated from Ohio's #1 Party School with a Degree… and a Drug & Alcohol Problem | Ep 81 - Get a Grip Podcast

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Here's alcoholic Chrissy. Her name is Chris, and she's
chain smoking, so sometimes she talks.
It's like this. When do we drink?
We're not drinking. And I will talk as if it's
there. There's codependent Chrissy.
She's reading Emily Bronte in the corner, wondering when her
Prince shut up. We're not dating anybody.
Go away, I have to. There are all these parts of who

(00:24):
I am. There's anxious Chrissy, there's
depression Chrissy, there's ADHDChrissy.
She's a riot and she's covered in glitter, hanging out with my
inner child. And then there's Shadow, which
is a bitch and she likes to havean inner critic voice and has a
British accent. Like those are all of who I am

(00:44):
and I wouldn't be this person ifI wasn't an addict.
And I love that part of me. I love my messy parts because it
made me this person. If I'm drinking and I'm fighting

(01:09):
with you, it's it's Chris. Like if I hear that in my
hometown, I owe you money. If it's Christine, I worked with
you at a bank. If it's Chrissy, you don't
really know me, but if it's Mackie, then it's like we went
to school together. You you like.
No, no. You know me.
You. Know me like Mackie, what's up?
I'm like, hey, I'm like, oh, here we go.

(01:31):
I'm excited. All right, Let's kick this
thing. Off, OK.
All right, we have an episode. Oh my.
Geez, what the fuck was that? What even just happened to my
mouth? I don't know what happened.
I just like had like a mini seizure.
OK, we're back. Get a grip podcast.
We have Chrissy Mackey with us today.
I'm so grateful you came and showed up for us to do this

(01:54):
interview. It's.
What I do very it's our program,so.
Excited to do the interview and we went through your your
jewelry and had a nice chat beforehand about some turquoise
and seemed like a wonderful woman.
Thank you. So that being said, very excited
to hear about the not so wonderful days.

(02:15):
Oh yeah. So let's go back to childhood.
Let's start there and fill us inon that.
OK well I am originally from thementor Cleveland area so I say
Cleveland no one knows what mentor some some mentor mentor.
OH, I have a mom and dad suburban life.

(02:38):
But you know, just like most kids that start off with like
alcoholic family history, like my mom's dad was an alcoholic.
I knew what that was, but it wasn't really explained to me.
It was just like, don't drink. And I'm like, but why not?
And I didn't fit in, you know, Ihad, I had friends, I was well
liked. I was a theater kid.

(02:59):
Middle school. Elementary.
School. Oh, God, I had a perm.
Like, I looked like a poodle, like, you know, and I just.
I had a perm, Yeah. Can't even imagine what you'd
look like with a. Perm A poodle so you looked like
a dog. I did, but my you know my
family. My dad was a high school teacher
and so. At your high school.

(03:20):
At my high school. Oh wow.
So my last name is Mackie and mydad fished with the kindergarten
teacher through 6th grade. That was my gym teacher.
He fished with my dad. So I've been called Mackie since
I was 5. They knew who I was and they
knew like we know who your dad is.

(03:41):
So I know I can't mess up. So I had to be like this perfect
kid being the good girl. I have an older sister.
My sister was kind of like a partier.
So she's nine years older than me.
And I just remember there was like an incident.
I don't remember very well, but like, somebody threw up on my
dad's boat and somebody totaled my mom's car.

(04:04):
And I just remember yelling and like, I can't do that.
Like I just knew. Like I can't be bad.
But you had but that kind of makes it easy on you.
Yeah. So I was like, OK, well, I can't
do that. So I have to be perfect.
And so then I'm like, I'm not good enough.
You know, I had good grades. I was in every band.
I was a cheerleader. I was in every really.
Yeah. So I did all that stuff.
And then I didn't really drink. I didn't start drinking until,

(04:28):
you know, I, the first time I ever drank was at my friend's
lawn in 7th grade. And she's really wasted.
And then there's me who's just mimicking what she's doing.
So I'm just, she's singing Sesame Street.
And so I just start singing withher.
And then I rode my bike home, like, no big deal.

(04:48):
And, you know, looking back now,I'm like, I had a tolerance even
back then. Like we're mixing all the drinks
in underneath the cabinets. It was a My Little Pony cup and
I she drinks it and and then I drink it and I was like, I'm
going to finish it. It tasted terrible, but I liked
the way it made me feel the effect.
Yeah, I don't, I don't drink forthe the the taste.

(05:09):
I drink for the. Effect I I never understood
that. Like the people are like, I want
a beer with my steak. I'm like why?
It's gross. People would drink like wine,
like can you, can you taste the vanilla?
I'm like, I know, just drink it.My first martini, I did like a
shot 'cause they didn't know. I was just like, that's.

(05:29):
It when I waited tables, I wouldhave to lie about the wine
'cause I couldn't taste it. So I'd have to make shit up and
it would work 99% of the time. Oh yeah.
And then maybe like 1% of the time you'd have that one person
that would actually know their shit and like call you out on
it. But you can just make up
whatever you wanted and they'd be like, Oh my God, you were
both. Spot on.
This is, this is my favorite wine.

(05:51):
It was the most expensive 'causeI was manipulative, you know,
and, and I was manipulative likemy first resentment was in
preschool, like somebody tied mypantyhose together and how the.
Fuck did they do? That I was taking a nap at nap
time and they tied my pantyhose together and then I had to get a
cut. And then I was really
embarrassed. And I don't remember her name,

(06:12):
but I just, I'm like, I rememberthat you bitch.
Yes, I was 5. So I'm having resentments.
I'm already an alcoholic. I'm already lying.
I learned how to lie at a young age. 4th grade, yeah, 4th grade,
I'm lying. 7th grade, I'm drinking.
And then I never did it again just because I didn't want to
get in trouble. So then when I graduated high

(06:34):
school, it was either go to Cleveland State.
So wait, did you not party? In no really, because I was so
terrified I thought my mom was hiding in the bushes at all
times and gonna like catch me doing something.
Like, you shouldn't be unladylike.
And so my first hurrah with drinking was visiting colleges.

(06:55):
So I went to Heidelberg College and it's in Tiffin.
OH, and it was just a visit. And it was like the first time I
was a cool kid. And so I'm getting drunk with
fraternity brothers and they're like the, the sorority girls.
Oh my gosh, you're so pretty. I Oh my God, I was just tomboy.
And so I had never been called like pretty or anything.

(07:16):
And so I'm like, well, all I have to do is keg stand.
And I woke up the next day and I'm like, I want to do this
every. Single day.
Because I wasn't anybody's kid. I wasn't, you know, I wasn't
Mackie. I was Chrissy.
And no one knew me. No one knew my dad.
No one knew my mom, no one knew my bigger sister.
So it was like, this is awesome.It's.

(07:36):
Interesting. You.
You see, I had the opposite experience where I grew up here
in Grandview and I sold drugs, whatever.
I was like kind of the man, so to speak.
That's how I thought I was in myhead.
And then when I got down to owe you, I wasn't the man anymore.
And so I left. But you had the opposite.
Yeah, I went to then I went to owe you.

(07:56):
That's so I ended up wanting to go like 4 hours away from home
'cause I wanted to get as far away from mom and dad as
possible. And so this is back in like
2002. So there's no cell phones.
And the best thing in the whole world was hanging up on my mom.
Like my mom would start yelling at me and I would just hang up
and then I would disconnect my phone and then AOL Instant
messenger, like let's go party. And you know, I, I was in the

(08:18):
marching band, I was in the 110 and I was the only girl 10 tenor
saxophone in the freshman year. And you know, we had some other
girls that played saxophone, butlike, I was the only girl.
And so it was, I made friends with all the guys.
And really it was my friends didn't have any tolerance.

(08:41):
They were all ban nerds. And I remember I made best
friends with one of them by throwing a beer at them when
they brought root beer to a party.
I'm like, drink a real beer, bro, you know?
And I'm just like throwing things at.
People beer to a party. Yeah, yeah.
And. You're like, get that?
Shit. And me, I'm drinking 151 out of
the bottle and it's like let's see.

(09:03):
And they're like what are you doing?
Are you seeing like do you have to leave?
And I'm like no, I'm seeing if my watch is moving up and down
my arm. If it's not then we're cool, but
if it is, I have to slow down. That was like my gauge for
everything. So if it wasn't double vision
like I was, OK, so. And that was like the perpetuity
of like my college career. But again, if I didn't get good

(09:24):
grades, I would have to move back home.
So I had to get good grades and I had to.
Stay. Away to stay, like away from it.
And I learned how to manipulate that too, because I learned how
to calculate a cumulative grade point average so I can send my
parents. The fact that I'm straight as
Sorry, dad, and it wasn't true. I got AD in one of my classes,

(09:47):
but like, I was so terrified that my parents would make me
come home. So I calculated it and then I
ended up making up for it and I graduated, you know, I graduated
with like a 3.4. It's pretty good.
I mean, it's pretty good for somebody that like was drinking
all the like we would do pink parties. 3.4 is good, yeah.
Can you take 3.4? No, it's not perfect.

(10:09):
OK I had a 3.2 when I graduated high school.
It's as far as I got OK and I was happy with.
This you're like, I was happy with that.
Yes, I was. And then, you know, you graduate
and the the whole thing with themarket crashing.
So this is 2006, 2007, 2007. I moved back home and I don't
know what to do with my life because I had an art history

(10:32):
degree and there is no jobs for that.
Yeah, yeah, what the fuck are you going to do with that?
I was going to work at a museum and I did until they were like,
you do you want to be a securityguard?
And I'm like, I'm 5 foot three. I'm not going to do anything
with a gun, you know? And I have a bachelor's degree,

(10:52):
like I, I was supposed to be an education coordinator for the
Cleveland Museum of Art. And the market crashed.
So that didn't happen, but I just kept partying.
So I just kept drinking and I just kept drinking and I just
kept drinking and the party justkept going.
And then voila, my 20s are gone.Like I got I just, that's all I
did was on the weekends I'm driving around like a like a

(11:16):
pirate, like, you know, thinkingthat's really cool.
You know, I'm swerving in out ofthe roads.
I should have had like 1000 DU is.
I only got 1. Of course it wasn't my fault.
No, that way it couldn't have been your fault.
Well, I'm driving a truck. One of the guys that I was
dating, he let me drive his truck and we got Taco Bell and I

(11:37):
curb checked and yeah. And then I spent the night in
jail. And once again I get I
manipulated out of that. When was this?
2010 on September 11, 2010 and I'm like making horrible jokes
like never forget. I'm like, that is so like I, I
had no morals, no values and I'mjust crass.

(11:57):
Like I didn't have any class. I put the ass in class and you
know, I get a DUI. I'm supposed to go to jail.
I get out of that because, you know, my mom was a paralegal and
she knew a lawyer, but really, she should have let me go to
jail, But. Yeah.
And sit in it. And so I do the drunk camp, the

(12:20):
the, yeah, the hotel thing, which is right next to a bar,
like, make that make sense. Manor, Ohio.
Like get do better. And I end up they skip my name
when they're passing out their certificates of completion.
And I'm at the end. I'm an M, So where's my name?

(12:40):
And they, they pull me aside andthey're like, you know, you had
the highest blood alcohol level we've ever had in this and it
was like a 2.5. Whatever it is, it's in my big
book now. Like I think it's fun.
Yeah, whatever it was, it was like 2 times.
The legal limit. Yeah, whatever it was, but it
was, it was bad. And I'm like, that's nice.

(13:01):
Can I have my certificate? And I took the certificate to
the bar like you should, but they were recommending a a then
and I was just like I can tell you where to shove.
So yeah. I can tell you where to shove
this certificate because I'm notdoing that.
I don't have a problem. It was because I drove a truck
that was too big. So between your 20s and 30s you

(13:22):
drank it away. Did you ever find yourself any
with any other party favors that.
I ended up being so at OU, it was my one friend who passed
away. She was really into Vicodin.
And I'm like, well, what's that?Do you know?
I didn't do any drugs in high school, you know, and I'm a DARE

(13:45):
kid. And yeah, that worked out really
well. And so we're, we're popping
Vicodin and we're going to a 311concert and I pop one.
Yes, yes. So we pop one.
I'm like, I don't know what thisis supposed to do.
And so we pop another one and then pop another one.
And all of a sudden the lights go on in the concert and I pass

(14:08):
out and I immediately get up, throw up.
And I was like, I'm never doing that again.
And I'm crowd surfing, getting drunk.
So I never did the painkillers again.
That was just not my thing. I was in a really bad
relationship and he introduced me to cocaine.
And because I had such a bad example of Vicodin and I was

(14:28):
like, what does it do? Am I going to get addicted to
it? No, no, you, it'll make you
drink more. I was like, yeah, sign me up.
And that's what we would do. We would, we, we did a whole
bunch of cocaine and then I didn't when I moved back up here
because the relationship had ended for some reason.

(14:50):
I'm just like, yeah, I don't want to do that anymore.
So. It was the relationship, yeah.
It was like. It was the relationship, but I
don't have a drinking problem, so I'm just not going to do
that. So I used to just like, pride
myself on the fact that I hadn'tdone cocaine since 2007, but I
was drinking the entirety. Of that time, October from

(15:10):
cocaine, yeah. Didn't like marijuana if I
'cause now I can't, I get the spins and now I can't drink
anymore. Like drinking is my thing.
That is that I am king. Alcohol I am 1000%.
Queen. Empress, alcohol.
Empress, yes, yeah. Me and my ego, we just hang out
and drink alcohol. And my party goblin that sits

(15:32):
right here, she's like really excited that I'll get to that
where we talk about my differentparts of me that are like
cocaine. I was like, we're not doing that
anymore. But I ended up not doing that.
I'm not doing, you know, I'm Jameson.
I'm drinking like if you see me with a Long Island ice tea, get
away from me, I'm going to fightyou.

(15:53):
And I was the classic like, oh, it's your fault that I got drunk
the way I did. I just won't hang out with you
anymore. So I'm going to go hang out with
this person. But I'm still drinking.
I wind up getting a job opportunity.
So after the DUI I'm like, I know why it'll cure it.
I'm going to move to Washington DC with my friend and live in

(16:13):
his closet. Geographical.
Cure Oh the. Geographical cure Within 24
hours of me getting there, I gotinto a fight 'cause I like to
fight and I had a black eye. And why do you like to?
Fight 'cause it's. Fun because I want to prove to
myself just don't meet many. Girls that are like, I like to
fight, I want to. Fight.
I want to. I want to like, fight for women.

(16:36):
If I see a guy hit a woman, I will go after you.
It's like. I don't.
I don't know what it is about meand drinking.
I turn into Joan Jett. I want to be a biker girl.
I want to be Gemma Teller. I want to be like and I'm Phoebe
from Friends. Like I'm not that person.
But when I'm drinking, I become a biker girl.
Like that's if I hear a Harley-Davidson, I'm like, call

(16:59):
me. My type is tall, dark and toxic.
Like let's hang out. Do you you just got out of jail.
Like, let's hang out like. Oh my.
God, I love like you have felonyI'll fix you like it's OK like
oh, you live with your mom and dad like I have an apartment
like everything looked good likeI had a condo.
I had a car doesn't matter. It was held held together by

(17:20):
duct tape right. You know, I still I got I my
bills are paid. I had a job, but you, you put me
with liquor and I'm I'm going tofight you.
And that's usually how my relationships all ended, was me
fighting or me saying something that I shouldn't be saying.
And I don't know what I said, but I got a black eye and mugged

(17:40):
and like, my stuff got stolen and within 24 hours of me being
in Washington, DC, like you. Wow, yeah.
So it was this eye and it was like completely shut.
It was this. This wasn't a relationship.
This was a random. Just a random person I decided
to tell off. I'm surprised I'm still here.
Like I should be dead like, but I'm not, you know?

(18:01):
It's like so you. You that you're at a bar, you're
at a bar when this I'm at a bar.And I know I was outside of the
bar and all I remember is my eyehurt, back of my head hurt.
I must have hit the back of the the cement wall and I'm on the
ground. My phone is gone and my friend
is like screaming at me. This is a.

(18:22):
Male. Yeah, a male.
A guy hit me. Yeah.
I don't know what I said. It was probably I deserved it.
So if you're in DC, I'm sorry. I don't know what I said.
I don't think any woman. Deserves it, I know I.
Don't know what I said, but it was bad enough that I got a.
Really. You didn't get the.
Snooki, Jersey Shore No. No, my my friend was is no

(18:45):
longer my friend that I lived with.
So he he pretty much blamed me and said it was my fault and
whatever. So I ended up moving back home
and that was pretty much like after that happened, I started
going to a a. So this is now we're now we're
in like 2012 era and I thought everybody there was they had to

(19:08):
be on something. There's no way you're that happy
and not drinking. And, you know, we find the
people that were meant to find. And so I ended up finding, you
know, I'm sitting in the back and and relapse row and they're
like, oh, well, I drink on the weekends.
You know, I don't have a problem.
I was like, oh, is that what we do?
That's how we can do. This, that's how.
OK. So, but I know from, you know,

(19:31):
they were really smart because Iwould go in on Wednesday, drink
all weekend and then I would say, Oh yeah, my Spritey date is
Sunday. They're like, wasn't your
Spritey date like last Sunday, that Sunday before?
Are you sure? And so they figured me out.
I couldn't go anymore. So I was like, screw you guys,

(19:52):
I'm not going. And it was.
That's how you. Internally.
Oh. Yeah, that's and like I ended up
like, OK, well, I don't really, you know, see, I can show you.
I don't. If my friends would be like, I
bet you can't go a month withoutdrinking.
I'm very spiteful, so of course I'm going to go a whole month
without drinking and then I'll reward myself by getting into a

(20:15):
fight or falling off of a bar stool or chipping like
underneath my chin or whatever. Bruises.
I I love having bruises up and down my I like I was just a
walking bruise. Fuck.
What's wrong with you? I'm an.
Alcoholic. I am just an alcoholic and
fighting and finding the most emotionally unavailable guy I

(20:36):
can possibly find so that I can fix them and then they can love
me and never leave me again. Like, I am so codependent at
this point in my life, but I'm working at a really good job
and, you know, of course it's not my fault I get fired and
right after I get fired. Why'd you get?
Fired OH for. Calling off all the time like my

(20:57):
aunt died every day like I've been and she is still alive.
She is still. Alive like that, I've I feel
like all I did was I'm like, I would hang upside down like if I
was like go upside down call so it sounded like I was sick.
I'm like, it's kind of. Smart it is.

(21:18):
It's really smart. I'm very smart, and I got away
with it until I didn't get away with it anymore.
And right after that happened, Ihad the bright idea of getting
very drunk and cutting off 18 inches of my own hair with a box
cutter. So how does?
How does that work? Walk me through this if you can
remember so. We're out at the bar and these

(21:42):
guys are talking to me and they are the common like, what are
you doing? Later like let me let me hook up
with. You and I start mentioning that
I like Harry Potter, I like to read, I like anime and I like
nerdy shit and then all of a sudden they're like, EW,
they're. Gone.
They're gone and I talk about. Art and I love reading.
I like, I love to read and they're they're gone.

(22:03):
So I was like, fine, I will. In my head I was like I will be
as ugly because it was like I looked like a basic bitch
basically and I didn't want to look like that anymore.
I was like you will have to get to know me if you want.
Like it's not just my looks. If you want this.
You're going to have to get to know me all all of me.

(22:23):
And so I just and cut off all myhair and I woke up the next
morning and I looked like a fat people.
How? What are we talking here like?
All of it. All of it.
It was all gone. All gone.
You're. Bald I.
Am I mean, like it was, I mean, not bald.
I look like, I look like a very fat, fat Peter Pan.
It was like, 'cause all of my stuff was to my cheeks.
And my best, best friend was like, I love this for you when

(22:47):
you're 70. Like, let's not, 'cause my hair
has always been long. Like, it's always been long.
And so I went over to my my house and my mom took one look
at me and she was like. What?
Did you do I'm like, don't you love it?
Like I was so delusional. And so we had to go and get my
hair fixed and then it was like the summer they had to just

(23:10):
shape it. So my mom got a haircut.
I got a haircut. But that's, I mean, that's how
my mom dealt with me was just like, don't talk about it.
Like we'll fix it. We're just going to fix it.
But let's not talk about your feelings.
Let's not talk about, you know, your your suicide atom.
So let's not talk about any of that because she just didn't
have the mental capacity. She just didn't want me to

(23:32):
drink. And she's like, you're drunk
again. And then we'd fight because
that's what we do. I like starting fights with her
so that I have a reason to go drink.
So now we're in the summer of 2014.
I have no hair. And there was a point in my
this. So this is now I've lost a job.
I look like crap and I end up I'm like, what is wrong with my

(23:56):
car? And it was me.
I'm shaking so bad going throughwithdrawals that I thought it
was the car. I'm.
Driving one day, and this is right around this time frame.
So I get like, I love this time of year.
You know, my birthday is in October.
But around this time frame, in 2014, I had realized that I had

(24:20):
blacked out every single day andI didn't care.
Like I'm like, I don't remember what I did the day before.
I'm drinking at a bar called Riches Lounge and the joke was
I'm a rich bitch because no one drinks there.
That is like a townie. Hole in the.
Wall like sticky floors, dark windows, and I'm going there

(24:44):
every day. Like every single day.
The best bars. It's the best.
Bar right and I would cause trouble.
I was angry all the time. I'm always in a fight with
somebody yelling cuss and screaming and I was hanging out
with the people that I was like I'm better than you because you
drink Jack Daniels fire. At least I'm not doing that.

(25:06):
But I was just as bad. And one of the girls, I had so
many of my friends, my high school friends didn't want
anything to do with me anymore. I had one very, very brave
friend that looked at me and waslike, you're drinking makes
everybody uncomfortable. And when you're in active
addiction, you're like, well, fuck you, fuck you.
Like you're not my friend then. And I don't need anybody.

(25:28):
I'll make my own friend. Just get out of my.
Life just get out of my. Life, I don't need people like
you can call me anything under the sun, but what'll make me
really fight you is if you call me an alcoholic like I won't
mess you up. And so there was a girl that I
was drinking drinking companion with and she looked at me and
she's like you're fucking crazy and no one likes you and I just

(25:50):
took that side par is I ended upsnorting something that night I
didn't know what I did 'cause you know I'm cocaine.
That's what I thought I was doing here.
Fast forward, it's a benzo mixing that with alcohol.
That's freaking smart. And I end up going to my house

(26:10):
because that that was the last straw for me.
And I ended up going into my house taking a whole bunch of
Tylenol and I was going to kill myself.
And I will never forget. Like I'm laying down.
I'm like, I'm so resigned, like I'm going to die.
I don't care. I don't want to feel.
Like I. Was totally fine with it.
And I remember hearing this veryloud, like no.

(26:34):
And I like snapped out of it, went through, threw up and
called 911 on myself. And again, I'm so manipulative
that I'm sitting there all prim and proper drunk as hell waiting
for the EMTI. Think I might have even flirted
with the EMT at the I mean, like, what is wrong with me?

(26:56):
And I'm like, yeah, I just need my stomach pumped.
I'll be fine. So this is, this is Halloween
night, so 12, you know, a like it's just turned Halloween.
And here I go to the hospital, they give me charcoal.
I drink it. It's disgusting.
You know, it comes out your eyes, it comes out of
everything. It's not a fun, it's not a fun

(27:17):
time. And it was like you blow your
nose and it's black. It's like coming out of your
ears. It's coming out everywhere.
And I'm, I come to, I was reallymean to the nurses.
I remember one of them. I was like, I mean, I was nasty.
I was just like, fucking get me,I want to go home.
Fell asleep, had a banana bag strapped to me.

(27:39):
I'm looking at this banana bag and I'm like, what is a banana?
Bag For our viewers it is. Like potassium, it has it's,
it's supposed to hydrate. Yeah, it's nutrients.
It's supposed to hydrate you. And so it it's like this big and
it's slowly dripping into my armand I'm looking at this thing.

(27:59):
I'm like OK. If that.
OK. And then I'm looking at this
clock and I'm like, if that empties, I can still make it to
the Halloween party at Rich's Lounge.
Where? I was planning on being Mary
Poppins. Practically perfect in
absolutely no way. Like.
What planet am I? I so ironic.

(28:21):
And to this day I'm like, I still like every Halloween.
I'm like, I should be Mary Poppins now and but like, I
don't know, it's kind of ruined 'cause I'm just like, God, I was
so delusive. I know it's.
So funny. I was like, I was Mary Poppins
and you know, here comes the thedoctor and I was like, OK, I'm
ready to go now. And they're like, no, you're

(28:42):
pink slipped. I was like, I was like, what's
that mean? What's pink slipped?
And I didn't and no one would explain it to me.
Like they were like they were dumb with me that I was like
starting a whole mess. Yeah, I was giving.
Him shit and I didn't understand.
I don't remember that. And then here comes this nurse.
Like if you don't calm down, we will give something to you to

(29:05):
calm you down. And I, you know, I shut up after
that and I didn't know who to call.
I end up calling my best friend because I have a dog and someone
in my head, I'm like, someone needs to let my dog out 'cause
I'm going to still get out of this.
I don't care what they say aboutPink Slip.
I know my rights. I didn't know my rights.
And so I call her and I've been friends with her since she was
like we were three. So we'll have 40 years of

(29:26):
friendship next, next year. And I call her and she comes and
she's like the fuck. Did you?
Do do you know how bad you're like?
I don't, I don't remember like my blood alcohol level through
the sky. She's like, you could be dead
right now. You, you could be dead and I'll
kill you if you die, but I'll but you should be dead.

(29:48):
And I'm like, well, I don't knowwhat to do.
And like, how selfish am I? Because she has kids and it's
Halloween and I'm interrupting, you know, because I don't want
to tell my mom. So she leaves.
I'm stuck. I don't know what to do.
I have to call my mom and my momwas, you know, she picks up the
phone. It's a weird phone number.
It's not my cell phone. And it was, what did you do?

(30:12):
What'd you do now? And I'm and I'm like all
self-righteous. I'm like, well, I tried to kill
myself and I'm at the hospital. So you should probably come like
again, completely selfish, all about you, all about me.
And so she she hangs up on me. I'm pissed now I'm like, I'm
going to rot here. She comes in like freaking
Wonder Woman trying so hard to Get Me Out of this by saying

(30:35):
we're going to go to a a this iswhat we're going to do.
There is no way any shape or form I was getting out of it.
So this Halloween is on a Friday.
I get pink slipped at 5:30 PM, which means the end of business
day. So that day doesn't count and
it's 72 hours hold. Saturday doesn't count, Sunday

(31:00):
doesn't count. So it's Monday, Tuesday going
to. Jail on a Friday night?
Oh yeah. So I get lifted up to a Gurney
and as I'm leaving, because I like to use humor as a way of
deflection, I am literally singing to my mother.
They're coming to take me away, ha ha.
And I'm like, I'm one of the funny farm.

(31:20):
Like. Again, I had no, I have no I'm
trying to make my mom feel better.
There's no way on any form watching her daughter, her
youngest daughter, be taken to afunny farm, which I called it.
I went to a state hospital because I didn't have insurance.
So I go into the state hospital and there are people there that

(31:40):
are very mentally unwell. And I'm in the.
Psych Ward and. By the.
Saving grace. I had three other addicts with
me and I didn't get to know themuntil later.
But I'm just like, all I knew isI need to be present because I
thought this was going to be like Girl Interrupted or One

(32:02):
Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Like I'm going to be stuck here
for 8000 years and I need to show them that I'm not crazy.
So I went and took a shower and there was a lady there and she
was just not, her meds were not medding.
And she was like, you are my grand, my granddaughter.
I am Queen Tatiana. I'm like, OK.
And she didn't want me to changethe channel.

(32:25):
I did not change the channel. And it ended up being Joel
Osteen on there. And I'm like, OK.
And I am so like angry about God.
I'm so angry about God. I don't want to hear about God.
I don't want to do any of that. And it was.
His segment was like turning greatness out of a great mess.
And for some reason, that just resonated.

(32:47):
Really. And that, Joel?
Osteen, that episode of like taking off your broken label
because I am broken. And like you're still good on
the inside. Like take some tomato soup.
Tomato soup that's cheaper. You open it up, it's the same
damn soup. There's no difference.

(33:07):
You just are a little damaged. And I just lost my mind and
started crying and I knew like Ihave to get sober now but my
Spidey date is in 2015. So I.
Go do my time. I end up having like the
withdrawals, yeah. When like how did you get
through the shakes cause the thecar the car thing is crazy so.

(33:32):
To realize. That you have the shakes I, I.
Didn't even, but I didn't know that that was like a thing, a
thing. I didn't, I didn't know any of
that. I just thought like, oh I'm just
dehydrated. Of course I am.
I'm living off of Taco Bell and not drinking any water cause
food is stupid, you know, I'm just drinking my dinner 'cause
that's cute. So while I'm there, my first

(33:55):
night I ended up squeezing in between the wall and the bed
just like because I'm so hot. I'm so uncomfortable.
They actually thought I ran away.
Like they had a code. They thought I eloped like they
thought I left like broke out and then they found me like and
imagine. Alcohol withdrawals have to be.

(34:16):
I slept forever, and not only that, I have the charcoal still
coming out of my system. Well, at least you.
Got to sleep because heroin you don't get to sleep, no.
I I felt like I was going to die, but yeah.
That's that's I just. You can die.
I can die. I'm surprised I didn't die
because taking benzos with alcohol, I should have just had

(34:38):
a heart attack and died. And you know, I'm sweating, I'm
disgusting. You know, I'm, I go and I'm
like, I need a shower because I'm just so gross.
And I look in the mirror and I'mlike, I don't even know who that
is. Like looking back at me.
I'm like, who are you? Like used to have dreams used
to, you know, when I was little,this is not what I wanted to be

(35:01):
when I grew up was be in a Bunnyfarm.
So grow up and say. I'm gonna be an alcoholic.
I'm gonna be an. Alcoholic and I'm gonna sleep in
a psych ward when I'm 30. It's gonna be sick.
It's gonna be. Amazing.
No, I wanted to be a Ninja Turtle.
Like I wanted to be Indiana Jones.
I didn't wanna do that. And so people that are like, oh,
well, you chose this. I'm like, I didn't choose that.
Like I was born that way. It's in my genes.

(35:23):
Like as soon as I took a drink, I was like, this is my solution
to everything, all of my discomfort.
And then it took control of me like, and I just did it.
I just ran with it every day. And then when I finally got out,
I'm like, first of all, I was like, I'm going to do yoga.
That's going to keep me sober. Still haven't done any yoga to

(35:44):
this day. No.
No. So I was like, I need to go to a
meeting and I started going to meetings and really though I was
full of shit. I was, I was just full of shit.
I wanted everyone to see that I'm not crazy.
I didn't want anyone to know that I went to a nuthouse.

(36:05):
I didn't want anyone to know that.
And it wasn't until a girl sat next to me and she was like
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah andnamed the the nuthouse.
I went to hospital. Yeah, and I looked.
At her like you have no problem admitting that you went there
not once but like 5 times and I was like were you an F wing?

(36:25):
And she's like yeah I'm like Oh my God their food sucks.
I'm like yeah we're high fiving and I felt so seen I'm like I
went there I went there too What?
I went there, too. And I didn't feel weird because,
like, my whole family and friendgroup don't talk about that.
You know, don't don't say why you went there.

(36:46):
Like, no one, no one knew. No one knew.
Yeah. And it's like that person did.
And, you know, I start feeling better about myself.
Like, my hair starts growing out.
I get a proper haircut. I'm losing weight, and I'm going
to this all women's meeting. And this woman looked at me and
she's like, there you are. And because I had like
brightened up, I'm coming back the light in your.

(37:08):
Eyes is coming everything. Was and and now I'm eating
dessert for the first time like I never had a sweet tooth and
I'm like why? Why do I want cake all the time?
And. They're like, well, what was
your drug of choice? I'm like, alcohol.
They're like, that's your alcohol.
I'm like, oh, I mean, like I'm loading up.
Like women's meetings are my favorite.
They know how to bake. Like you go to a women's

(37:29):
meeting, those those little old ladies, they know how to bake.
So I have like cookies and cakesand stuff and I end up, you
know, I'm, I'm going to those meetings.
I'm going. It's also it's.
Also where you should be. Yeah, it's like.
That's where. Because if you go to other
places, then you have to deal with assholes like me, yeah.
Exactly. Like I'm like, Oh no, of course

(37:50):
I'm going to go and fall in lovewith a 13 stepper or 14 stepper
and a tall dark. Felon.
Yeah, Tall. Dark and toxic, that's my type.
Like, oh, you got a felony Oh yeah.
Oh, you're in a halfway house. Like like call me like we had
the lake house boys and then theOakies.
Those were our Lake Jaga recovery centers.
Like, oh, you're. Hot what?

(38:11):
Step. What step are you on?
Oh, I hope you get sober. I'm like, I bet you will and I
haven't I'd, but I had my, I hadall my exes 'cause I was gonna
prove to them that I'm doing great, you know, like you can
date me now 'cause I'm sober. I'm so much better.
And it didn't take long. You know, one of the girls was

(38:32):
like, have you done your 90 meetings in 90 days?
I'm like, I'll do 90 meetings in9 minutes, like, and then, well,
what step are you on? I'm like, I finished all my
steps and it's been 5, five hours, you know, like I had a
wonderful sponsor. I recommend anybody getting a
sponsor scares the shit out of you because I want to manipulate
everybody. And she was amazing.

(38:55):
She showed me the Joe and Charlie tapes, which make you
feel stupid because I'm like this big book.
Whatever. I'll read it and then I'm
reading it and I have no idea what I'm reading because it's
written 100 years ago. Yeah.
And then you do Joe and Charlie tapes, and they make you feel
stupid because you're like, oh, is that all I have to do?
That's easy. OK.

(39:16):
So she walked me through that. And then I got jealous because
she had a sponsee getting all this attention.
And I wanted a parade. You know, I'm six months sober.
Like where's my? We, we share something there.
I, I went to a meeting and I listened to a guy tell his lead.
He went up front and then he gotall the attention afterwards.

(39:39):
And I'm like, I want to do that.I want to do that.
I want all the attention. I want that.
We'll see like. In Cleveland, they tell you to
shut up, sit down, take the cotton out of your ears, stick
it in your mouth. You're right.
They don't. Yeah.
They're like don't. And you can't speak.
You can't stand. You can't do anything.
You go up front, you shake theirhand and you sit down because
you don't got anything to say. I remember being offended at

(40:01):
that. I was like, I got plenty to say.
I got a bachelor's degree. Who do you think you're talking
to? Shut up.
Like I had, I have such an ego problem.
Like I raised my little Princesshand.
Like everything's about me. Like, where is my parade?
So I fire my sponsor because I looked up in the Mentor Public
Library a book that said that and it solidified like a A is a

(40:22):
cult. I'm like I knew it.
It's like 1 sentence. It was like confirmation by yes
I was like done I'm done cool. And then I'm like I know what
I'll do. SMART Recovery.
Do you know how many meetings are in SMART Recovery I.
Know about it, but I don't. I just know it exists.
Yes, it's. A 12 step program that doesn't

(40:44):
have any faith involved. They have one meeting and like a
month, so there's no meetings. So I was like, but I'm going to
do that. That's my, that's my, that's my
thinking. So I then I start hanging out
with the guy, the toxic guy thatisn't in a program at all that
looks at me like, well, you're not an alcoholic.
You can't be like, blah, blah, blah.

(41:04):
And I listen to everything he says.
And I, it's what I wanted to hear.
I'm sitting at a bar, no business hanging out there.
And it was a chocolate stout in the summertime, June 22nd, 2015.
And I took that beer and I was like, let's go, 'cause I didn't
care anymore. I was like, I'm not praying, not
going to meetings. I hate meetings, 'cause you all

(41:25):
are fucking bitches. And I hate my sponsor.
And I'm just gonna do what I want.
See, I want six months, 22 days,like I'm or yeah, November,
December, January, February, March, April, May, June, seven
months, 22 days. I'm like, I'm good.
It's a good run. It's a good run.
Yeah. And then I showed him that I was
an alcoholic and then he broke up with me and told me I should

(41:46):
have stayed in a A and I was like.
Wow. Boy, I just drank.
With you. And so now I'm an alcoholic.
All right, Cool. Well, at least I'm.
That's wild. It was.
Wild. He's like, you should've stayed
in a hey, you have a drinking problem.
You're fucking drinking. With him, you're drinking.
With me, like you just told me, I don't have an alcohol problem.

(42:07):
I started drinking with you and I showed you and he's.
Going to fucking meetings? No, he.
Was a normal guy, he was. Normal he was, yeah.
And then he broke. Up with him.
So I'm off into the races and then it just it it's it's like
an infomercial. It's like all this shit that you
don't want to buy, you know, late at night.
It's like, but wait, there's more.

(42:27):
Not only am I going to get all my misery, all my depression,
all of my suicidal thoughts. Now I'm going to hear and see
things like I started having delusions, like I would hear
stuff in the middle of like drinking, just whispering just
like. It was.
Terrifying. I'd wake up and I would just see
stuff and the like. I'd be so drunk, shadow people.

(42:52):
And it was like I couldn't play solitaire on my phone 'cause it
would make my, it would make thevoices louder.
Like if I'm doing anything on myphone, my thoughts are racing so
hard and it's just shouting at me and telling me that I'm
worthless piece of shit, that I shouldn't live anymore.
And you can. Hear these, I could hear.
It and I'm like this is nuts. I know what I'll do.
I just won't drink on this day anymore.

(43:15):
So you're going to cut a day out?
I'm going to cut. A day out.
Because that's what you're delusional thinking.
Sure, that's what it does. So then I start, you know, But
I'm still drinking every day again.
I'm still working at the same place I was.
We're not working. You said you had a good job.
I was. I was, well, I got fired.
I was working. I was working at Progressive.
I've already made my amends withyou.

(43:35):
I worked at Progressive, I worked at Chase Bank, I worked
at Charter One. I was a banker, I was
investments. I did everything.
I worked at Bank of America. And then I was, I mean, I was a
waitress. I was very good at waitressing.
It was easy, easy hours. Fucking great.
At waitressing I would I'm. Just like, look how charming I
am. And then but I'm like the
angriest person you ever met, Like, but I'm like super I'm and

(43:59):
then I would go and and get angry with people, right.
Wasn't there one guest one time that oh, that's.
Later. I'll get there.
Yeah, that one's later. Save that one.
So I end up the girls at Max andIrma's where I worked and rest
in peace, Max. Nervous They're not around
anymore. I love them.

(44:19):
Love their tortilla. Soup.
So those girls, there was a place called Downtown
Willoughby. It's where all the yuppies go.
So I would go out with them to prove them that I'm, I'm OK.
And then, you know, I pretend I was tired.
No, they just didn't drink the way I liked them.
Like I would watch. No, they.
Would drink one drink and I'm like, Oh my God, like looking

(44:44):
around like what is wrong with you?
So I would go. I couldn't go to Rich's Lounge
anymore because they knew I was crazy.
So I went to another bar that's called Chases, and I ran that
shit and it's just as bad as theother one.
And you know, I would get my bigbeer and my shot and I would
have it lined up. Bartender knew me and that's
what I would do. And again, this is just a really

(45:06):
shitty bar. They have the best
cheeseburgers. They have the best
cheeseburgers. Are they actually?
They're so good. Like I remember eating them as a
kid. Yeah, they're.
Really good, I know if you were.Just drunk.
No, they're. Really good.
They're really, really good. So I mean, this continued from
June until, you know, my sobriety date and I got sober.

(45:28):
And so all that stuff from before trying to kill myself,
going to a funny farm. I got sober because of Matt
Damon. Yeah.
Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Robin Williams.
I got sober because of Goodwill Hunting.
Someone quoted Goodwill Hunting at me.
So my. Bartender was named Ben and it

(45:50):
was football. It was a football day.
So it was Monday, Monday Night Football.
I'm getting ready. I don't care about football
like, at all. But that's how I'm going to meet
my future husband, right? He's going to walk in and save
me and my my Prince is going to come to this crappy bar in
Menor. And Ben is like a big teddy
bear. And he's just looking at me like

(46:13):
Mackie and was like, what? And he's like, have you ever
seen Goodwill hunting? I'm like, yeah, so there's a
scene in Goodwill Hunting where Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are
talking, and he, Matt Damon's like, I'm going to lay brick for
the rest of my life. Ben Affleck says, if you're
still here, I'm going to kill you because you're sitting on

(46:33):
the golden lottery ticket. One day I want to walk in and
knock on the door, and you're not there anymore because you're
doing something better with yourlife.
Ben, my bartender, quotes this to me.
He's like, that's what I hope for you, that I come into work
one day and you're not here anymore and he throws down his
rag. He's mad.

(46:54):
He is big mad at me. And I just looked at him and I
had a beer and I had a shot and I left it.
I didn't even drink it. And I walked out and I never, I
never went back. That got me sober because he
wanted me to do better in my life.
That line. That's that's interesting.
So Matt Damon, call me like that's like, I want to write

(47:17):
them letters like to say thank you.
Because if they hadn't made thatmovie, I wouldn't be sitting
here almost 10 years later. And it was the bartender.
The bartender. Named Ben that got pissed at me
and quoted that movie. I was like, I love that movie
and that's what got me sober wasthat scene.
That's incredible. So I show.
That now to like what I do now, I bet you.

(47:40):
Do yeah, and. They're like what I'm like,
yeah, no, for real. There was not dramatic at all.
I just went home. So then, you know, Tuesday I'm
hungover 'cause I was drinking. So Wednesday was my November of
hang out. I always have.
I do this because I don't believe my own sobriety date.
So November 18th, 2015, that's my pure sobriety date.
No drinking, nothing. I go to mentor original

(48:02):
Wednesday, which was I, I, I waslike, this is my Home group.
I was sitting next to a girl that had texted me while I was
out and she was like, I love you.
And I was like whatever, you know, I'm drunk and I was I
looked at her. She was so happy to see me.
I'm like, you're my sponsor. This is my Home group.
What do you want me to do? And I'm going to do whatever you
need me to do. If you want me to eat dirt, I'm

(48:22):
going to eat dirt. You want me to go do it, I'm
going to do it. I was just done.
I was just like a. Fucking switch flip.
Yeah, a switch. Just went off.
I was just, I was done. I was done.
And that was and that was it. That is.
Insane, I know. I don't understand that.
Like a quote from a movie? No.
Fucking lock UPS. Except for the DUI.
Yep. Yeah, the pink slip, I mean.

(48:46):
I should have had multiple Duis,multiple assaults, multiple
pink. Slips too multiple.
Pink slips, all the pink slips. I mean, all the times I would
blow up somebody's phone, like I'm gonna kill myself.
And they didn't care. They were like, she's drunk.
Whatever. Yeah, you got away.
With I got away with. Lots of murder, all the murder.
So like even my first like. And of course, I'm new in

(49:08):
sobriety and I'm sensitive and, you know, I'm complaining about
everything. And my sponsor was the one that
was like, you know, 'cause I didn't know how to make friends,
like, at all. Like, without buying them drinks
or being anything. And they're all going to Dairy
Queen and I'm just like, I wannago, but they didn't invite me.
And my sponsor's like, fuck yourfeelings, Just go.

(49:30):
What's what are they gonna do? Boo at you?
And I. Oh, OK.
So I just went and I was like, you're gonna be my friend.
They're like, hi, like, and theybecame my friends and I ran with
them and like, that was my groupof people.
And my first year was like amazing.
Like I, I, I did all my steps. I took my time.

(49:51):
I, I shut up. I listened like.
First year is kind of nice firstyear.
Is really nice because you really just.
Got to focus on one thing. Yeah, I'm just.
Like one day at a time and I'm getting my coins, I'm getting
all the attention that I want. It's really.
I first birthday, I, I always tell people that that first year
you're like juggling one ball and it's just recovery.

(50:14):
Yeah. And then you start juggling
other balls with your. Rent and.
Car and job and this and I had. All these things, now you're
fucking. Juggling, you know, 15 balls and
you were a God named junkie on the West side.
Yeah, now I'm. Like, I got all this stuff and
like, you know, I'm like, I filed bankruptcy.
There's no shame in that. And like, I have great credit
score today. Yeah.

(50:34):
But like, at the time, you know,I could afford things.
It was so crazy. First thing I bought was a
Swiffer wet jet because that's all I wanted, like.
And I was like, oh, I don't haveenough money.
I'm like, wait a minute, I don'tdrink anymore.
Like, I had the money to buy this stuff.
Long Islands. Are expensive, yeah.
Right. Well, I didn't, I didn't buy
those. Other people did.

(50:56):
But I, I mean, if I didn't have $100, like I wasn't like I would
spend that. Like that was my money to spend.
So now I'm like, I'm money and Idon't know what to do with it.
And I still don't know what's I'm like, I'm broke.
I'm like, now you actually, you have a job.
Like you have a good job. I'm like, now I'm broke.
So like first year, awesome. I end up getting my CDCA, which

(51:20):
is a chemical dependency counselor license 'cause all I
wanted when I was like 11 years old, all I wanted to be was a
counselor. And my mom had said something.
And now I look back and I'm like, mom, why did you say that?
And she was just like, who wouldlisten to you?
So you hear this as an 11 year old girl and I'm like, oh, I'm
dumb. She meant like, who's going to

(51:41):
listen to me after I'm done listening to all of you?
Like your counselor should have a counselor just like your
sponsor should have a sponsor. Like I understand that now, but
when I was 11 I was like, oh, OK, that's how I would have.
Taken it. I'm like, Oh my.
God, you know, I'm not good enough.
I'm not smart enough. And so I get my CDCAI start
working because of my experiencewhen I was in the funny farm,

(52:03):
when I was in the state hospital, you know, they treated
addicts and Alcoholics like garbage like those three other
people. We were just.
I've heard that. Before we were just.
Treated like stains. I've heard that.
Before like. Oh, like I'm sitting in a panel
of people and they're like, so you tried to kill yourself, Like
just no emotion because you're an alcoholic.
I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm yeah.

(52:27):
Like I was so scared. There was no sympathy.
There was no empathy. There was nothing.
And I didn't want anyone to be treated like that.
So I, my goal was to go work where I went.
So I didn't, I didn't end up working at the state hospital I
was at. I was working at somewhere in
local. And you know, I'm, I'm in the
dual diagnosis unit. I'm with, I'm with the kids.

(52:50):
I went from being like warm and fuzzy to actually learning how
to deal with mentally ill peoplelike Bruce Willis.
Like what, what are you doing? You know, and like, they're nuts
and, but they love me and I loved, I loved working with
them. I would get them their towels
and stuff. And then, you know, this is,
this is 2017, you know, I'm, I'malmost two years sober.

(53:12):
I got the job I wanted. I'm dating somebody that's in
recovery. Like everything's great.
And I get this phone call from my mom and she, my mom is like,
again, a secret keeper. She doesn't like telling you
anything. She's like, I want buh, bye's in
a car. And I'm like, what do you mean?
She's like, yeah, I went in an ambulance today.
I'm like, what? Yeah.

(53:36):
Oh, but I'm fine. She passed.
Away. When in July?
29th of 2017. I was barely two years sober.
What? What happened?
She got cancer. My mom passed away from cancer.
Very aggressive cancer. That day was like the worst day
of my life. Cancer.

(53:56):
Was fucking my dad passed away of cancer almost two years ago
and yeah it's it's. It's.
Yeah, what kind? Stage 4 lung cancer.
Yeah, my mom. Had esophageal stomach, all of
it pyrotechnic kind. And so like that whole week.

(54:17):
Here is my sponsor at the time. I'm not telling her what's
happening 'cause I can't even like I don't want to go to
meetings. I don't want to do anything Like
grief is literally like my, my, my world in July.
So like July 4th, normal holiday, July 5th, I go over and
my mom looks like paper. I'm like what the?

(54:37):
Fuck. Mom like, and I haven't sworn at
her since I got sober and it wasjust go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Every day was awful. And my sponsor's like, I can't
be your sponsor anymore. Like I'm like, huh, She's like,
you're you're on slippery slope.I'm like, she doesn't know I was
like that. I have to watch.
Like the only thing my parents wanted me to do was watch the

(55:00):
dog because they, my mom and dadjust wanted to deal with this on
their own. And I was like, my job is to
watch this dog. Like that was my mom gave me
this this command, right? And so I don't have a sponsor
anymore. I'm literally getting these
messages while I'm watching my mom on like getting hydration.

(55:22):
So July 28th, the worst 24 hoursof my life.
I remember like. My.
Mom's not coherent. And I went downstairs and I and
I knew where I was going. I was going to the bar, I was
going to go to the bar 'cause I'm like, this isn't my life.
My mom's not dying. I get into the bar and like I

(55:44):
said, there's downtown Willoughby.
Oh, you fucking? Went to the bar.
No, I was. On my way I was on my way to the
bar and the car. I start driving and the wind
just starts. To go.
This way I was like, fine, I won't go to the bar.
Like I don't have any support. No one knows where I am.
I just wanted to get away from the hospital sounds and the

(56:06):
smells. So I go and I turn and the and
I'm like, fine, I'm just gonna go home.
I'm gonna take a nap and then I'll go back to the hospital.
Later the wind starts blowing again and these birds come out.
I'm not even kidding. These little yellow Canary birds
just start dive bombing my car and I'm like fine, 'cause I'm
not talking to my higher power at this point.

(56:28):
I'm mad at him. I'm like, fine, I'll go back.
I end up going back. I end up my mom gets moved up to
a quieter area and I was there with her as she passed.
I got to hold her hand and watchher job.
I'm very. Glad.
I'm sure you're glad and grateful.
For that I am very, very grateful and I don't know, I

(56:50):
don't know what happens to us when we die.
I love to think of like Robin Williams, like what dreams may
come favorite movie like, but I watched her go like I felt her
go and when she went armor replaced it like I knew if I
could get through that. There is nothing on this planet

(57:11):
that's going to make me drink nothing.
And I didn't And after after that, the guy that I was with,
he was saying things like, Oh well, your birthday is going to
be really hard. This is going to be so hard on
us and I just. It's.
Going to be hard on me so you can go broke up with him didn't

(57:35):
need him in my life anymore. Didn't need any of that.
I immediately I have no idea what to do and I just my dad was
like you need a task. That's what you need.
So they were married for 37 years and 37 days.
She saw me get sober. She didn't see.

(57:55):
Anything else I did, but she did'cause she's, she's hanging out
with me. So I went to grad school because
when I was at Norwood, they fired me the the hospital I was
at for something stupid. But if they hadn't fired me, I
would have been still working and I still wouldn't have been
around for my mom. So the hindsight of things like,

(58:17):
I couldn't believe, I'm like, what do you mean?
I lost my job and I'm going to drink over that.
Like nothing's going to make me drink.
Like after I got fired for something stupid, all the nurses
at that hospital ended up writing my letters of
recommendation for me to go to grad school.
And then I get a phone call fromthe old charge nurse when I was
on the kids unit. Do you want to come back work?

(58:39):
The person that fired me ended up getting fired and they're
like, they fired you for something stupid.
Do you want to come back? And I'm like, y'all you, you
sign my letters, I'm going to grad school.
They're like, Oh yeah, that's right.
But the blessing was that I, I was like, what's an LPC?
So it's a licensed professional counselor.
And that Lady that fired me was mean.
She didn't get my name right, ever.

(58:59):
But she was like, you have to get your master's degree.
OK, Then I will. And I did.
And I went directly into grad school with, like, my first
session in school. It's two weeks after my mom
died, and I'm in grad school, and I'm still sober.
And my sponsor at the time, you know, she calls me on a Friday.

(59:22):
What are you doing, Chrissy Mackey?
And I'm like, my mom died. And when I say a, a showed up,
like they, I don't remember thatday.
I just remember they pulled up. They took me to the beach.
There's beaches there. I spent the whole day.
I don't remember what I did. I don't remember what I did.
All I know is I went to a meeting every single day and I
got picked up, dropped off, picked up, dropped off.
And I just going and then I start grad school and we're

(59:47):
doing mock sessions and they're like, So what brings you to grad
school? I'm like my mom died and I just
I'm saying this like as if I don't I don't feel anything you.
Almost have to. It's like it's I have no.
Idea I'm just like, I have no idea what to say right now and
they're like, I go into like this area and they're all crying
and I'm like what I say what I do like your mom died I'm like

(01:00:10):
yeah, yeah, it sucks anyway I gotta go and so I would leave
and God again, doing higher power stuff I'm like not talking
to you 'cause you took my mom away and.
I call it the Cleveland State Bunny.
There was just this Bunny in themiddle of the city that when I
would park my car in the parkinggarage there, there it was.

(01:00:31):
And I was like, hi mom. I would just talk to my mom as
if she's still there and I don'tcare.
It's if someone like would watchme like lose my absolute shit, I
would yell at them. I'm like, leave me alone.
Leave, just leave me alone. Like don't blame you.
I'm I'm crying because there's orange pop that my mom would

(01:00:53):
want that they came back with. I think it was orange crush and
I just lost my shit in a Walmartand I'm just like, leave me
alone. Let me breathe the way I want
to. It's hard and it's so hard.
And that's where the ring that conversation.
So I'm waitressing and this ladywants to put on my ring that my
mom, my mom is the last person to wear this ring.

(01:01:14):
And I literally what? Yeah, you know, and I now it
makes sense. Now it makes sense because I'm
like, absolutely not. Like I would get mad at people's
hands. Like I like little old lady
hands because I held my mom's hand.
I would get mad if a mother and a daughter got to sit and eat
together. I would get like, I feel
resentful, just so resentful. But I still got my 2 year coin.

(01:01:36):
I end up going to grad school. I end up going and working at
the place where it's all fancy and hoity toity.
And I meet my I meet a guy that I'm like that I'm just like, OK,
I know my worth. This is what I want and this is
what we're doing. I want everything I want.
This is what I want. And I end up, you know, marrying

(01:01:59):
that guy that didn't end well. I'm not married.
Now, but just because you get sober doesn't mean your life
gets any you just life is lifing.
You know, I, I married him and you know, we, I moved in and

(01:02:21):
his, his drinking was once in a blue moon.
And then once I moved in, it wasthe blue moon was out all the
time. And I just thought, you know,
that's what that's what you do. You, you do that for someone you
marry like you right 'cause I didn't have anybody to tell me
my dad's not gonna tell me thesethings.
My dad, my dad's my my dad is very like good job, kid like no,

(01:02:45):
like not a my father is a very gentle, wonderful man, but like
me, I'm his daughter. Like going, I went to, I would
go to my mom for this stuff. We ended up, you know, we go,
we, we moved here in Columbus again, hindsight 2020.
Here's my silver lining you know, I end up being here.

(01:03:07):
The pandemic happened. I'm not working because I I'm
not working. I had missed my grad school.
You're. Still waiting tables out here I
couldn't. Even do that because the the at
the time prior to the no. So like we move here during the.
Pandemic. I'm trying.

(01:03:27):
To take this test. It's an exit exam.
It's my boards so that I can be a licensed therapist.
I can't get my master's degree until I pass this test.
I missed the test by 4 points, so I have to wait to retake it.
And the scheduled date was March17th, 2020, the day we had shut

(01:03:50):
down. So I'm.
Studying that. Fucking the exact yes yes.
And it was so annoying. So I'm like waiting and waiting
and waiting to take this test again.
We have a brand new house. I have my stepson here who is
1112 years old. He's cooped up with me.
We're fighting, you know, 'causehe's teenager.

(01:04:11):
I'm insane because it's just he doesn't know that my ex-husband
is still, you know, he's drinking.
He's drinking all the time. I was going to.
Ask sorry I got emotional just Iknow I.
Listening to you. Talk.
What? What happened with the ex?
Which one? The the one you married.

(01:04:32):
The one you married so. There was a moment in my in the
2020 where he brought home, I hate bourbon.
I am a Jameson girl, I'm a Irishwhiskey girl.
So he brings home this bourbon and I'm like, for me, I know the
world will not stop spinning just because I got sober.

(01:04:54):
But for me, all you got to do isgive me a heads up, like, hey, I
had a beer, cool, I don't care. Like I don't want it.
But if you surprise me with it and I smell it on you, 'cause
I'm a Bloodhound now I want it. And here he comes with this very
fancy bourbon and he's drinking it in a glass and I'm cleaning

(01:05:14):
up. And I.
Smell it and it smells like Jamison, like straight Jamison.
And immediately my cravings are 15.
Like I want that. I want that so bad.
I have all of my friends that were in recovery with me.
They're all on TikTok and they're all drinking.
Every single one of them have gone back out 'cause they were

(01:05:36):
all they were. They were all heroin addicts.
So. They were like, I don't have to
worry about drinking so I can drink and party and then I'm
jealous because they're drinking.
I want to drink and no one will know.
So here comes this little party goblin.
It's like, no, no, you moved. No, no, no.

(01:06:00):
Yeah. So I go, I'm.
I'm like chain smoking at this point.
And he had never seen me this bad.
And he dumps the whole thing andgets rid of it.
And I go on Zoom because there'sno meetings.
Yeah. Go get on Zoom.
I go and get. On Zoom, and I'm like, help.

(01:06:21):
And out of all the meetings in the whole world, because it's an
international meeting thing, this person is like, call me
now. And their area code was 216.
That's Cleveland. She was where I'm from.
And her nickname is Moof. And she is my only other friend,
Moof. And I call her and I start

(01:06:44):
making fun of myself because I wanted all this stuff and I feel
better and I don't do it. But that was going into four to
five years. Yeah, that's good time.
Too, that is. The worst time, I don't know how
much. How much time do you have?
I just had. 9. What happened in your 4th, 5th,
5th year? I lost my mother to an overdose,

(01:07:10):
so that was not a great time. But.
But I understood it. That's right.
That's what was different from the cancer with my dad.
Yeah, with my mom. I.
Understood why she passed because I know the disease so
well, you know what I mean? Like you can put.
That like on the shelf, so it's like.
Yeah, like, and she, she didn't want to be here.

(01:07:30):
I knew that. And so it, it was easier.
The the cancer was just like, no, that's not.
Fair. Excuse the fuck out.
Of me like after what he's just been through with me because I
got high with my mom and then I got locked up and then my mom
started to have my sister and mydad is just enduring this entire

(01:07:51):
fucking thing. And then when he got cancer, I
was like, are you? Are you fucking serious?
Right? You know what I mean?
Like. Are you for real right now?
Yeah. Like I go and get sober and then
my mom gets cancer and then she doesn't see any of the things
that I do, like all the stuff that I end up doing with my
life. And but here I go.
And you know, I'm in this this pandemic and it's the four to

(01:08:14):
five year. And I don't know what it is, but
no one makes it to 5. Something happens in your fourth
year because I'll have 10 years in November.
I don't see a lot of people. And if you ask them what
happened your four to 5th year, they either go, Oh my God, like
crap happens. And I don't know if it's because

(01:08:36):
you just stopped going to meetings or you just stopped
doing what works for you. But an old timer said to me,
they're like, mind the gap, watch the gap because there's
like this gap that happens. People don't make these these
milestones. So here I am in this pandemic
and I'm four to five year. And you know, I make it through
it. I get to my fifth year.

(01:08:58):
I'm working at I finally passed my test.
So now I'm a therapist at a mental health hospital, do an
inpatient. Crazy.
Love it. Running a unit hard because I'm
watching people not get better because now fentanyl is being
introduced. Yep.

(01:09:18):
And here comes like, so my favorite.
You remember when people startedsaying their drug of choice was
fentanyl? Yeah.
And. Being like what the fuck?
What is that? I'm like, what do you mean?
And. Like my favorite people are my
bipolar meth addicts. Hilarious.
They're hilarious and I love them.
They're so angry. They throw things at me.

(01:09:39):
They yell. They ask me like, can I bring my
cow here? They're like, Oh my God, I left
my cow outside. Is that OK?
I'm like, absolutely. Whatever you want, bro.
Like, let's go. Like I understand you.
And so I ran this unit like, do not be mean to them at all.
They are human beings. And I'll get you kicked out of

(01:10:00):
my unit if you treat them like crap.
Like, I don't care if you throw things at me.
You're high, you're gonna call me all kinds of shit.
I don't care. You're gonna snap out of it.
And then you're like, Oh my God,what do you mean?
I said a cow. I'm like, did you mean car?
They're like, yeah, you said cow.
And I got really excited and they get so embarrassed and full

(01:10:21):
shame. I'm like, are we going, are we
going to treatment or not? Like what are we doing?
And I just because of the way mental hospitals are, you get 3
days, maybe 5 for me to work my magic.
That's it. And then I get my heroin people
and they would just be sad the whole time.
But I had the best group participation at that hospital

(01:10:42):
because I knew how to make them go to group.
I would knock on their door. I'm like, I'm going to eat your
cigarettes if you do not come in.
And they're like, what about my cigarettes make you won't go
outside? I can't.
Listen, they didn't know that. I can't deny them.
To go. Outside, I just threatened it
because I'm manipulative, because I'm one of you.

(01:11:03):
And I would go into the rooms and sometimes, oh, my God, it's
so much fun because like, the joke is now, it's like, now it's
Miss Chrissy. You know, when Miss Chrissy
don't play. And it's not Mackie that's so
funny, it's Miss Chris. When I worked at CVCFI was Mr.
Yeah, Mr. Lewis. Yeah, Mr. Lewis and Miss Chrissy

(01:11:23):
running shit. And the joke is, is like, she's
gonna find out, don't lie to her, 'cause I'm gonna know.
And I always know because I'm one of you, we are a hot
commodity. So every and everybody wants to,
you know, they get sober. They're like, I want to be CDCA.
Oh my God, I want to be like you.
Oh my God, you don't you know, this is hard.
It's hard. You have to do certain things,

(01:11:44):
you know, certain person with thick skin and I'm.
Mean and everybody's so. Mean, Oh my God, Oh my God, it's
because you don't like what I have to say.
I don't. You don't like what I have to
say. But I would get them to group.
They would come in to group and then I got the opportunity to
work at outpatient. You know, I'm working outpatient
is more like they live in the community and they come in.

(01:12:06):
I had some really awesome success stories.
They would get me. I am a child at heart.
They would get me toys. One of them is a no button and
it just says no. So like the staples yes button.
I have the that uh huh, That's my that was.
Easy, right? That was easy.
I have that button for Oh my God, I'm going to call my ex and

(01:12:28):
we're going to get back together.
That was easy. There's your relapse.
Like, do you not understand? Like you're codependent as hell.
Like if you want everything to change, you have to change.
Everything has to change. And then here's my no button.
And they're like, well, what if I just no, What if no, no.
And I actually got one of my guys to get upstairs because he

(01:12:49):
was like having like twitches from his withdrawals from
alcohol. He's like, well, I'm just going
to go home. I'm like, no, no, no.
And he's like, fine, I'll go upstairs and like, yes, you
know, and we're pink sling, get him detoxed.
Then he came downstairs. He's still his sobriety day is
Saint Patty's day. He's still doing great.
He's awesome. He's like the weirdest person
I've ever met. And I can't wait to show him

(01:13:11):
this and be like, yay. He's so strange.
He's the funniest person I've ever met.
But during all this, you know, I'm figuring out like I'm doing
modalities of like codependency.I learn facing love addiction by
PM Melody. I have that book and I have
given away that book 18,000 times to our people because we

(01:13:35):
are love addicts. We are addicted.
That's our next addiction is if I can't have my drug, I'm going
to be addicted. Yes, I'm going to be addicted to
a person. Yes, either I'm going to be
avoidant. That's Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm
gonna be so in love with you. I'm gonna.
Suffocate you or I'm gonna just.Like, push you away, bounce
around maybe a little bit. Yeah.
I'm gonna be like, whoa. This is too much.

(01:13:56):
I'm gonna go over here. Where I have Hoe Island and go
pick up another person and then they're gonna suffocate me and
I'm gonna go to the next person.Yep, guilty, guilty 'cause
either I'm like so. Obsessed with you that I am
never. Gonna let you go or I like you
can be both. And so I'm teaching that and
then I'm doing this codependencygroup.

(01:14:17):
You know, I've been working at the same place for three years.
I work at a place called Hope for Tomorrow.
It's in Columbus and I've been working there for three years.
And the girls, it's first it's agirl program, then it's a guy
program. And the girls just, they saved
my life. Like I'm married.
And the. Girls are, I'm teaching them
codependency. I'm a rock star.

(01:14:38):
I'm Miss Chrissy. I got all those toys and shit in
my office. I'm teaching them stuff that
they love. And and then they asked me,
they're like, Miss Chrissy, doesyour husband respect your
sobriety? And I said yes.
And I lied and I don't lie. And so I end up leaving.
You know. He didn't respect my sobriety.

(01:15:00):
That was it that I mean that wasit was my bar was so low that it
was on the floor and I'm like, it's either I drink with you and
stay married or I get a divorce and I chose my sobriety.
My sobriety has. To come first, it has to.
It has to, Otherwise I'm going to die.

(01:15:20):
That's. I'm going to end up, so we do an
exercise where it's, it's a bunch of us, we're all sitting
around. It's like I'm going on a
campfire or I'm going on a camping trip and I'm going to
bring a sleeping bag. And you have to like repeat what
everybody says. But instead it's like I'm going
on a Bender and they have to tell me.
Exactly. I mean, we go feral.
Like it ends up being the funnest.

(01:15:42):
It is so fun. It's like I'm going on a Bender
and I'm going to or I'm going ona relapse and I'm going to run
over a hooker with my car. And so they have to say what I'm
saying. And then you would say I'm going
on a relapse and what? What are you bringing?
What am I going to bring? Yeah.
What are you going to do? I'm going to.
Bring a ton of heroin and a. Lot of crack cocaine.

(01:16:02):
Great. So as it keeps going, you've
just. Now, played your tape all the
way through of exactly what's going to happen to you.
And for me, I'm going to end up going hard in the paint.
Like I ain't getting this time back.
My ego won't let me. I got lots of relapses in me.
I got one more relapse in me. I don't have any more
recoveries. I'm done.
Like, I know if I go back out, I'm going to die.

(01:16:24):
I'm going to end up going. I'm going to drink and then I'm
going to do a line of cocaine because screw it, I haven't done
it in so long and it's going to have fentanyl on it.
I'm going to die. Yeah, like point blank period,
Like heroin is, Oh my God, so much different than they were.
I thank God I quit when I. Did.
'Cause you'd be dead, I'd be dead, you'd be dead.
Heroin was. It was actually heroin.

(01:16:46):
Heroin was heroin, and it was. You do heroin, it's.
Russian roulette you do, fat andall.
It's a loaded gun, like you're going to die and and like I.
Told I tell my clients. I'm like, listen, if you tell me
that you trust your dealer, I get to hit you.
Like I won't play. You trust your dealer.
Yeah. Like I know my dealer like

(01:17:07):
cleans. The scale.
No one. No, they don't.
Cleans the scale. No they don't.
There's fentanyl in your Is thisa?
Is this based on a true story? All the things I have heard.
I have heard fucking the best. Stories.
I have the best stories. I'm like what?
That's the dumbest. No, no, what?
No. Like you're, there's fentanyl on

(01:17:27):
that scale, you're gonna die. You're going to die.
You get yourself a nice, you getyourself a nice suit now.
And they're like, you're so mean.
I'm like, your suit is to lead to go to a funeral or to be
buried. That's it.
And I, I am tired of going to funerals.
I, I don't go anymore. I just don't.
It sucks. But but during that time frame,

(01:17:49):
working with the girls, you know, I come in, I left it all.
I didn't care. I, I have a little apt.
I got 2 cats, they came from a garbage tin pin.
I adopted them and I do whateverthe fuck I want, right?
And it's like, this is my sobriety, this is my life.

(01:18:09):
And I didn't realize how codependent I was.
And I didn't realize like, Oh myGod, I don't even know who I am
because I've always been in a relationship.
So we're working on 10 years nowand these girls and these guys
are teaching me stuff. Then I'm like, I didn't even
know that. I didn't know that.
Like I didn't know that about me.
It doesn't stop. It doesn't stop and it doesn't
stop. You don't.
Like, oh, I know. Enough.

(01:18:31):
That's because we're humans though.
Like we're all I've learned enough.
I'm good. But we're also human beings.
And. That's right.
I love the. Progress, not perfection, just
my favorite because we're fucking human beings.
I'm never going to be perfect right ever ever in my life.
Don't fucking. Tell me that your life is
perfect and you. Never get.

(01:18:51):
I remember one time I was sitting, Oh my God, this guy
made me so mad. He's like, I don't get angry
anymore. Ouch.
I was like, give me a fucking break.
You don't get angry anymore. You've been on the phone with
the Spectrum for seven hours with customer service, trying to
get your fucking Internet fixed.Have you done that?
Yeah, Have you done that? You tried that Because that'll
piss you. The fuck?
Off. And it's just, it's wild that

(01:19:12):
people are like I've. Never, ever, ever, ever.
And so I've been doing this since I got sober in the
hospitals. I have never met anybody that's
just an addict. You have trauma, you have
depression, you have anger issues.
You can't just put this shit down and expect your life to be

(01:19:33):
rainbows and butterflies like you have to work on your shit
and if you don't, then you're miserable.
Like I don't need to do my steps.
All steps are like there is a million one ways.
My way is AAI will sell that. I am not.
I am and I am not doing anythingwith my it's my anonymity.

(01:19:55):
I'm going to sell it like a shoesale.
You get more of these these tabloids about us.
Like where are sober people likeRobert Downey Junior?
What about Eminem? Do you know who his sponsor is?
Elton John? Like we don't talk about that
stuff. Yeah, I, I forgot.
I just saw that. I just saw that.
Elton. Like I want to meet you all,
like come hang out with me and like and.

(01:20:17):
Like we have to sell it, like I got sober this way, but what is
it? It's shadow work.
What is it? It's going to therapy.
Like you got 110, you got one out of ten chances.
If you just go to meetings, you got another one out of 10.
If you're doing medical assistant treatment, you're
taking your meds, your meds are matting, then you got another

(01:20:39):
one. If you go to therapy, you
combine that, you got 3 out of 10.
That's 33% success rate. And here I am.
I, I couldn't afford to go to any kind of treatment.
Like I made $50 too much, so I couldn't go, which is dumb.
Like I didn't get Medicare or Medicaid or whatever.
And Obamacare. That was a billion dollars back

(01:21:00):
then. So I went to meetings, 90
meetings in 90 days. Well, I did more than that.
I was like, how many meetings can I go to in 90 days?
The answer is 181 to 2 a day. You can get it more than that if
you want. You can.
I did on Saturday. I would go to the beginners.
Meeting the. After meeting the.
After after meeting and then this meeting there was 5 but
that was at midnight and I almost got hit by a drunk
driver. I'm not going out that way as a

(01:21:21):
sober woman. No, that was sketchy.
But like. At least you would get people.
If if they're going into the meetings and they're drunk, they
know where to be like don't judge them.
Like why are we judging people? Why?
Oh so you're so cool you got 30 days sober Good for you bro.
But don't forget where you came from, right?

(01:21:43):
Like I don't care that I have. I love that I don't care.
I love that, that I don't that Ihave almost 10 years.
I don't care. It's cool.
Yeah, clap for me, but don't cause I'll relapse and die.
But like that, Yeah, that's how it that's how it happens.
Don't don't you hear the storiesall?
The time, yeah. Oh my God, that's terrifying.
Terrifying. Like you have 20.

(01:22:03):
Five years and you go pick up and you're dead.
Like I'm good, I'm good, but don't I have one day at a time
like all of my people? I am no different than you.
I could leave this interview andgo get drunk right now there is,
I have 124 hour and that's my favorite coin.
That's my favorite coin. I don't care how people do it.

(01:22:23):
Like I would rather you smoke cigarettes than smoke meth.
Like I don't care. Just don't go back to what
you're doing. But I have never seen somebody
that goes from heroin to drinking like a social person.
It doesn't happen. I've lost five people because
they died that way 'cause they always go back to their drug of
choice and now the drugs of choice.
You can't even get heroin. No, it's all fed.

(01:22:46):
It's all Fetty fucking. It's it's in.
Everything like go. Ahead, smoke all your pot.
But guess what? You're going to do it.
Alcoholically, you're going to yeah.
And then it's not going to be enough, No.
And I know for me, like I. Can't just be like, cool?
Like I'm, I'm all for it. Make, make it legal.
Make make marijuana legal, tax the shit out of it, give it to

(01:23:08):
the people, make homeless shelters, do safe zones.
That's how we do this. That's what they're doing in
Colorado. Awesome.
Let's get more people into therapy and talk about their
trauma because that's where it comes from.
Like you don't just pick up one day because you feel like it.
Like it was fun and then it stopped being fun and it's it's

(01:23:33):
just madding with the. Stigma.
Like you're a junkie, you're a lowlife, you're nobody.
Yeah, the word geek. I will fucking punch you right
in your fucking. Face that, to me, that's like a
slur, right? Like if you call me a geek and
I'm. I'm like I get.
It I get it, the world. Is not going to stop.
I get mad at like these billboards or like they're like

(01:23:54):
Oh my God, they're having so much fun.
I'm like fuck you, you're not having any fun.
You know what, I want a beer too.
Like I would love to just go. You know what, I would love this
to go over here, let me get ripped and let me pick it back
up again. But don't work that way.
I can't do anything like I want.I have 7 different beverages at
all times. If I bought, I have two cats for

(01:24:17):
crying out loud. I have at one point in my life 7
ferrets. You tell me I'm not an
alcoholic. 7 ferrets, that's a business at 7.
Are you selling them? No.
They were just a comfort and. Once you get 1.
You know I have to have. More, Whatever it is, I need
more. I need more and I want more and
I want more of it. Like, I love.

(01:24:38):
I love my brain. I love the way my brain works,
and I want everyone to embrace the fact that my name is
Chrissy. I'm an alcoholic.
I am not an alcoholic named Chrissy that drives.
My problem is Chrissy. No it's not.
Oh my God, no it's not. So there is a wonderful awful

(01:25:01):
makes you want to dye. Book.
And it is adult chair and that is with Michelle Charlefont.
And she is amazing, but she talks about like the different
parts of who you are. And so I took that as here's
alcoholic Chrissy. Her name is Chris and she's
chain smoking, so sometimes she talks it's like fuck this shit,

(01:25:24):
when do we drink? We're not drinking and I.
Will talk. As if it's there.
There's codependent Chrissy. She's reading Emily Bronte in
the corner, wondering when her Prince shut up.
We're not dating anybody. Go away.
I have to. There are all these parts of who
I am. There's anxious Chrissy.
There's depression Chrissy. There's ADHD Chrissy.
She's a riot and she's covered in glitter.

(01:25:46):
Hanging out with my inner child.And then there's Shadow, which
is a bitch and she likes to havean inner critic voice and has a
British accent. Like those are all of who I am.
And I wouldn't be this person ifI wasn't an addict.
And I love that part of me. I love my messy parts because it

(01:26:07):
made me this person. I'm going to ask you because you
are fucking. Thank you.
And I'm sure you have a great answer for the question.
But anybody who's out there still stick and sick and
suffering or in a place where they want to quit but they don't
know how, what, what would you say to that person?

(01:26:33):
Just go to a meeting. Just try.
I don't. I don't even.
Care if it's if it's a call, sign me up.
I want kool-aid. I don't care like there, you're
going to be welcomed and if you ever, if you ever went before I
I wish that there were more people.
That would just come back. They're dead now.

(01:26:55):
I wish that they would have justsat with me.
I will never understand that. Like my early sobriety was
somebody, they lost somebody andthey're like, I want to get high
and I'm like, why they died? Like.
What are we going to do, Boo? You all I care about is.
You came back like, and if somebody in that program would

(01:27:16):
be like, well that's them and they're a piece of shit.
Come sit next to me. Come find the people that will
love you and just just start asking.
For help it's the. Bravest thing?
You'll ever say. It's the bravest thing I've ever
said was I need help. I just I don't know what to do.

(01:27:37):
For once in my fucking life I just let go.
I was just like I don't I can't do this.
I will eat ashtrays I don't care.
I just I love it. Just go like what do you got?
To lose I. You You are officially the
first. Person to make me tear up during
a podcast. Yes, I love making people thank

(01:27:58):
you. So much for.
Coming out, that was fucking incredible.
I don't really know what else tosay other than that.
Thank you for having me. I just I want more people to
talk about their. Sobriety Alcoholics Anonymous is
about other people. I am an A A member.
I am very proud of that. I don't give a shit.

(01:28:20):
It's my I'm not being like, hey,over there, there is a one.
There's a documentary talks about you.
We're the anonymous people. That's you.
That's me. I went there.
It saved my life. It begins in the A's of the
phone book. Go, just go.
Like I'm not sponsored by it. No one's telling me anything and
I'm not breaking anybody else's anonymity.
It's my anonymity. Anna Nima T got to say it.

(01:28:43):
Like that because. I would be like, I don't know.
I know I always sound like I have a stroke when I say like, I
don't. Thank you for your time.
Thank. You for having me, right?
That's it. Yay, yay.

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I Graduated from Ohio's #1 Party School with a Degree… and a Drug & Alcohol Problem | Ep 81

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}I Graduated from Ohio's #1 Party School with a Degree… and a Drug & Alcohol Problem | Ep 81