My Brutal Truth Of Opiate Addiction And How Hard It Really Is To Get Clean | Ep 73 - Get a Grip Podcast

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
We were supposed to go to an Eminem concert that night.
He had my boyfriend had tickets to an Eminem concert and he was
supposed to wait for me to get off work so we could go
together. And I get off work and I'm
trying to get ahold of him and he's just straight up, you know,
goes to me not answering. I get back to his house and at
this point he's basically livingalone.

(00:21):
His mom's always over at her boyfriend's house.
His dad had moved out, so he this is like the party house
now. Like he's throwing rockers there
parties all the time. So we basically just lived out
of there. So I get back to the house and
he's gone. He had left and Oh yeah, he left
without me. What?
A dirt ball. I know right?

(00:41):
So I lay on the couch just waiting and he doesn't come home
like all night. He doesn't get home till like 6
or 7 in the morning and I had kind of fallen asleep that.
Hurts that still. Hurts.
Oh yeah, that that was like, I can remember how that felt.
That was such a horrible feeling.
He would do that shit all the time he got.

(01:01):
Punch. Yeah, and he would do that shit
to me all the time. Like just leave and disappear
for the whole night. And, and all I can think about
is the fact that he's he's around with other girls.
And so he finally gets home and I'm sleeping on the couch and he
tries to like lean over and kissme or something.

(01:22):
And I just, I slapped him right across the face and he fucking
went insane. He started screaming at me and
swinging at me and shit. Oh yeah, just totally,
absolutely 1 postal on me. He took back that.
So I had like one of those old ass cell phones.

(01:45):
You know, all you could do is really call and make texts and
you know, he took that and slammed it up against the wall.
And so I'm like this, I'm leaving.
So I go out to my truck to leave, but his sister has his
boyfriend who's older than her and he's parked behind me so I
can't get out. So I go sit in my truck and he

(02:07):
comes running. My boyfriend comes running out
with just totally like banging on my truck window.
He picks up a brick from his yard and throws it through my
driver's side window. And this is like my baby.
You know, this truck is like, baby, I know, right?
And I'm sure he was like, and had smoked crack and was all

(02:28):
cooked up that night. And I mean, he went to an M&M
concert and he was out all night.
I'm sure he was on. We ready, Bruno.
Yeah. Sweet.

(02:50):
OK, should I do my thing? OK, do your thing.
Blue. Great.
We're back. We have Amanda Bosley with us
from Cleveland, OH. That's two in a row.
Yeah, man, Cleveland's 2. Clevelanders in a row.
Represent. Thanks for making the trip.
Thanks for keeping your word, most importantly.

(03:11):
Yes, my word is gold, you know. Yes, my word is my bond is what
I say. Yeah, absolutely.
I thought that you got nothing, but we want to learn what it was
like for you as a kid growing upto kind of paint a picture of
what that looked like and what led into the craziness that came

(03:32):
after. Yes, yeah.
Well, so my childhood was very split.
First I want to say, I do want to say first that anybody that I
talk about, you know, family members, people that I love,
anybody that I bring up, it's not to like dog on them or make
them feel bad or anything like that.

(03:52):
I hold no resentments today so. You're just telling the truth.
Yeah, yeah. One thing you know, and I do, I
do want to have this disclosure 'cause I know that, you know,
some people, they are very invested in my support, my
recovery now that we're not so much great figures in my life.
So I just, you know, I want themto know that there's no
resentments there. There's forgiveness.

(04:14):
You know, I heard something one time that it's like there's no
such thing as justified resentments.
And I hold that that close to me.
So I'm not, I'm definitely not resentful, just telling the
truth, the facts. So yeah, I was, I had a very
split childhood. My parents got divorced when I
was only 5 and I remember being like terrified that I was never

(04:36):
going to see my dad again. Like he was like this, you know,
hero in my life. Like he was the stability in my
life. My mom was kind of always just
going off and, and partying withher friend.
She'd leave for weekends at a time and she'd take the car.
And I remember walking up to thegrocery store with my dad in the
freezing cold just to get enoughto to eat that day because just

(04:57):
what we could carry. And so she was just kind of like
off and running and, and, you know, she, she really just was
trying to figure herself out. She had my sister when she was
only 16 and and then her and my dad got married and she had me
when she was only like 19 or 20.And so my dad was like this,
this the stability in my life. And when I hit the day he left,

(05:20):
I remember asking him like, am Iever going to see you again?
You know, he's like, of course. So that was a really scary and
confusing time for me. It wasn't long after he left.
I mean, it was 5, so it could have been two weeks, It could
have been two months. I don't really know.
But my my stepdad moved in, my mom moved in.
Another guy that quick. Oh yeah, damn.

(05:42):
And on the back. Burner Mom.
Is not. Playing Oh no, she wasn't
fucking around at all. And so he seemed pretty cool at
1st and but I remember the firsttime that she had left us alone
with him because she had to go to work or whatever the I mean,
who knows, she was probably running around or whatever.

(06:03):
But she left us alone with him and he was with a couple of his
friends and I was playing outside till dark came in after
dark, brought in a big, huge stick with me in the house.
And he was like, what are you doing with that in the house?
Go throw that back outside. That doesn't belong in the
house. And I was just like, OK, you
know, I'm listening. I always listened and I threw it
back outside and I came back in.He was laughing and just kind of

(06:27):
being funny. He's like, never mind, go back
out and get that sick. So I didn't think anything of it
and brought it back in and he's like, all right, turn around,
hand it to me and turn around. So I did.
No adult had ever like been violent with me.
I had seen my mom get violent towards my dad and he know it
was never reactive but up to that point I had never had an
adult do anything to me that I wouldn't even think that that

(06:51):
was a possibility. And he whacked me in the back of
my legs with it and he and him and his buddies are laughing and
like I just remember feeling extremely scared and.
Him and his buddies are. Laughing.
Oh yeah, they're laughing about it.
Wow. Yeah.
How? Man, how hard does he whack it?

(07:13):
It was enough to leave a mark. It's the friends laughing that
really gets me fired up. Yeah, like I, I remember and it
that, so it wasn't just like thethe scariness of just getting
hit, but it was like I felt thatembarrassment and that shame of
being laughed at, you know, it was just like, I was like this

(07:34):
joke. And way worse than.
The pain, yeah. And I was only 5 and I remember
it. It's a very vivid memory for me.
So yeah, he, so they, they endedup getting married and had my
little brother and he was, he was like, he wasn't as violent
with me as he was my older sister, which is my half sister.

(07:55):
So me and her have different dads.
So he didn't get as violent withme as he did her.
And I was just a really quiet kid.
Like I was just very quiet. I did what I was told, didn't
really get in trouble a lot. So he did, he was, he wasn't as
aggressive towards me. Him and my mom would get a lot

(08:15):
of like serious, like full on physical fights.
And I just remember being like having to scream, you know, and
cry 'cause I thought they were going to kill each other.
So I, you know, a couple times had to call 911 and then he'd
get arrested and then we'd be going up to the jail to visit
him. You know, it was just like this
chaos and. Would you get scolded for that

(08:37):
by your mom? Yeah, they would get mad at me.
I mean, there was a couple of times where children services
got involved. And so of course, that was
always thrown in my face in the future.
Like, this is what happens when you get police involved.
And, you know, this is for the adults to handle, not you.
But you're like standing in the hallway watching them just beat
the fuck out of each other. And, you know, I'm like, at this

(09:01):
point, I'm like second, third grade.
And I'm just like, terrified. One time my mom did something to
him and he was laying on the couch covering his face.
And she like, got on top of him.And she was saying don't cry.
But I thought she was saying don't die.
And I thought she'd killed him. So that wasn't one time I had

(09:21):
called. It was just a really scary
situation to be in. But then at my dad's house, so I
would go with my dad every weekend and he lived with my
aunt, my grandma. And this was just like the most
wholesome home you could have, you know, just stable, loving,
secure, three meals, no neglect.Yes, yes, absolutely.
So not at first. So when he, he would see marks

(09:45):
on me and stuff and I always blamed it on my older sister
because she, she would beat me up, you know, so she would, you
know, me and her would get in some serious brawls.
And so it was always like I'd have bruised ribs and stuff and
I never really knew if they camefrom her or him.
So I just always said it was Amy.
And I think my dad always assumed it was her.

(10:08):
And then finally one day my grandma was giving me a bath and
I, she had noticed like some pretty significant like
fingerprint bruises on my arm. And she's like, she told my dad
there, there's no way that thosebruises came from another kid.
They're adult fingerprints. So I guess my dad went and

(10:29):
choked up my step dad and like told him, like, you ever lay a
hand on my daughter again? You're going to be 6 feet under.
I'll go to prison. I don't care.
So he didn't, he didn't touch meafter that.
I mean, he was so mean as fuck, but he didn't, he didn't lay a
finger on me after that. And then my sister just got like
the brunt of it, which kind of sucked for her, but yeah.

(10:51):
And my sister, you know, she was.
I do give my sister and my mom alot of credit 'cause they really
like taught me how to be like a badass, you know?
They taught me not to be scared and just to be resilient to my
sister freaking taught me how tofight in like some of the most
unconventional ways. You know, we lived in this like,

(11:13):
I call it an amateur Cleveland. It's kind of like it was in a
poor area and it's kind of like ghetto ish.
But we lived in and we would runaround and stuff and she would
put me and some other girls my age in the backyard with her
older friends. Fight Club back.
Then and she would make us fighteach they, they would make us

(11:34):
fight each other. And I just remember like being
dragged around by my hair by these like fucking crazy girls
and shit. And but it taught me how to
fight, you know, and, and that was something I really needed
later in life. And my mom really taught me how
to be like, actually the opposite of codependent, you

(11:58):
know, just very like, and that'skind of funny considering her
situation, but she was like thisvery stoic woman, you know, she
didn't show a lot of emotion, but she was a hard ass and she
didn't take shit from anyone, hence probably why her and my
stepdad would Duke it out because she wouldn't, you know,

(12:18):
she was usually the one to throwthe first punch.
So like I do give them credit for that, but it was, it was
insane 'cause I was very anxiousI would go from this House of
like just absolute chaos to thishome of like just normalcy, like
just being normal and having a, a safe place to be.

(12:40):
So you got to see both sides. Like I had a foot in both worlds
and that really taught me like Ihad to start observing the room.
It was very quiet, so I really had to start observing people in
a way that I had to read their energy.
I had to read their vibe. OK is this a good time to do
this or to bring this up or to talk, or is this a bad time?

(13:02):
You know, sometimes it was like,oh, everything was great with my
mom, my stepdad. They were in great moods.
We would do fun things and stufflike that.
But then other times it was like, stay away.
Yeah. I like, I'm just going to, you
know, retreat back to my room orjust retreat within myself.
I really learned to suppress my emotions a lot.
You know, showing any kind of like weakness or sadness or

(13:24):
crying just was not OK. It just wasn't, you know, it
usually was met with aggression.And so I just really learned not
to show those emotions. And but then, you know, with my
dad, it was like he really taught me a lot about like
morals and values and he was just a very like the thing about

(13:48):
my dad though, is I, I didn't realize when I was younger, but
he had his own issue. Like he was a functional
alcoholic. You know, he would go to work
every day, but he'd come home and drink.
He usually would go down the street to his friend's house.
And you know, I'd be with my grandma and he'd go down the
street and have beers with his friend every night after work.

(14:08):
But he maintained this up until recently.
Now he's just like full blown, but I'll get to that, I guess.
But but he was he was there whenit mattered the most.
You know, he was there when I really needed him.
But otherwise he was just kind of passive.
And, you know, there'd be other,there'd be times where we would
spend time together and he wouldtell me things and talk to me

(14:29):
about things. But he wasn't like present in my
every. Stable.
Right. Yeah, so eventually though he
did convince my mom to let me golive with him by the time I was
in 4th grade by telling her he would still pay her child
support if she would let me so. Win, win.
Go mom, right? Go live with him.

(14:50):
So she was OK with that. I do give my mom credit though,
because then she ended up havingmy sister go live with my
grandparents and she really kindof came to admit that she just
wasn't fit to be a parent. She just, it wasn't a good
situation for us. And so instead of trying to hold

(15:12):
on to her pride and keeping us in that situation, she let us go
places that she knew we would betaken care of in which I
experienced myself later in lifewith my own son.
So it really helped me to see a different perspective from her
point of view. My little brother stayed with
her, but he had a totally different experience with his
parents than what we did. He was 7, He's seven years
younger than me. So by the time he got older, he

(15:36):
had a different mom and a different dad than what I
experienced. Like my stepdad was his dad, but
he never experienced that side of his dad.
And, and from what I understand,his dad's a pretty good guy now.
Like he's really calmed down a lot and he's made a lot of
positive changes for himself. So I give, I give him that.
We all have our demons, you know, we all have something that
made us the way that we were andthe things that we did.

(15:59):
You know, it's just, it's just what you do with it, right?
So yeah, I went to go live with my dad and things were pretty
good for a while. So I went from living in that
like poor area that was kind of like a mini Cleveland to this
really nice area that was, yes, just a really nice town.
You know, it's just not a lot ofdiversity at all whatsoever.

(16:21):
So I went there and it was pretty cool for a while.
And then 6th grade, I started hanging out with this girl and
her parents were like these hippies.
They were cool. They were really cool people.
But we knew they were smoking pot all the time.
We smelled it and it just totally baked out their house,
you know, So when I remember telling her, I was 11 and I was

(16:42):
like, I want to know what it's like to get drunk and high.
Like, I don't want to know what it feels like to get drunk and
high. So she found her parents Dash, I
got some weed for us and then she stole some Goldschlager from
them and we put it in Pepsi. It was the most foul thing.
I threw up in my mouth. I know it was so foul and but we

(17:06):
drank it and I remember getting a little buzz, but I wasn't like
drunk. I mean, I'm sure we probably
didn't drink a lot of it. We were probably scared to take
too much. I don't really remember, but I
was a little buzzed and then we went to the woods.
We brought some tinfoil try to make some makeshift bowl out of
it to smoke the weed and I remember again feeling a little

(17:26):
buzzed, but I didn't feel like messed up off of it.
I was still able to like, you know, function and especially be
my first time. I was kind of like, oh, this
isn't bad. So after that I was on mission.
I was like I I want to keep trying this.
I want to keep seeing how far I can take this.
So she lived in an area, I wouldgo to her house all the time.

(17:48):
And she lived in an area where you could walk around.
You know, there's all these streets you could walk around.
There's all these other kids that live down there.
And there was this park that everybody would go hang out at
and like the older kids would gohang out there and smoke weed
and stuff. So we started getting ourselves
in those crowds with like the older kids and stuff and it
wasn't hard to find people who are willing to like smoke with
us or drink with us. And still 11 years old in 6th

(18:11):
grade. So I have a late birthday.
So I was always like behind everybody.
I didn't turn 12 until like the summer before my 7th grade year.
So we're doing this and then youknow, my friend group start
changing and stuff but still finding the people that do these
things. And 7th grade I had a a best
friend and we would go hang out at her dad's house and he smoked

(18:33):
weed. So we'd get into his weed and
you know, it was just so pretty much for 6th and 7th grade it
was just weed and alcohol. We started going out to my mom's
house. So by this time my mom had to
left my stepdad. They were separated.
So it was just her and my brother living in this apartment

(18:55):
in East Cleveland and not in a good area at all.
And so we would go out there on the weekends and I would watch
my little brother and my mom would be cool with getting us
alcohol and cigarettes. And because I was providing the
babysitting service. So that was cool as fuck.
You know, we're like, yeah, you know.
So it was like an every weekend thing.

(19:15):
We'd go out there. And so then and she was a
bartender, so she would be gone all night pretty much.
And I'd I'd be in charge of my little brother.
So at this point I'm like 1213. So he's only like.
Yeah, you got to what, like 3-4 AM probably with your mom being
a. Bartender.
Oh, yeah, absolutely. And sometimes she'd come home

(19:37):
and we'd still be partying and she was just like some.
But that she was like, she had this again.
It was like from my childhood trying to read, OK, which
version of her am I going to get?
So sometimes she'd come home, becool and totally just kind of
hang with us. And then other times she'd come
home pissed as fuck, like cleaning like crazy, like, you
know, vacuuming and slamming thevacuum against the wall and

(20:00):
stuff, just being very passive aggressive and so.
Bipolar, yeah. Yeah, so it was, it was just,
you know, but it was still, it'slike, this is cool, you know,
I'm in 7th, 8th grade. I got a mom that's, you know,
cool with us partying and and supplying shit for us and what
more? Can you ask for are?
You getting drunk and now are. You like, Oh yeah, intoxicated.
Oh yeah. So the first time I actually

(20:22):
ended up getting like super fucking cooked off of weed,
someone gave me a Darvocet. Do you, you know, they don't
make those anymore, but yeah, soyou know, the pink, big, huge
pink reddish fill. Yeah.
Someone gave me one of those. Like it was one of the older
kids we were hanging out with. And so I took that and we

(20:42):
smoked. There was like 3 of us and there
was like this fat blunt and I was like, oh, I can just keep
smoking. Because I remember the first
time I smoked I didn't get that high.
I'm like, I can handle a lot. Holy fuck.
I I might as well have just beentripping and I'm walking around
East Cleveland and just walking in the chase.
It's broad daylight and I straight up passed out in

(21:03):
somebody's front yard. Just laid down and passed out.
I don't even know how long I wasout for.
I'm surprised nobody called the cops, but I'm not surprised.
What? Is Darvocet.
It's an opiate, A mild, mild anda very.
Very low dose. Of yeah, they used to and that
used to be like the go to. That was usually what they would

(21:25):
give you first, you know, so that was the go to and but they
discontinued it because all, youknow, it was bad for your
health. Imagine that there was something
about it that was like giving people heart attacks or
aneurysms or some shit, I don't know.
So they just continued it a longtime ago.
That's. A terrible drug.
Yeah, yeah. Right, Oxcontin was way better.

(21:47):
Way better. So yeah, we did that.
I did that for a while. So then, you know, the Internet
came out around that time and mydad had gotten a computer, the
whole dial up modem, you know, you had to have a like a whole
extra full life for it and stuff.
And we found this chat room. It was like cool chat or

(22:07):
something. Sounds epic.
Cool chat, yeah? So we started, you know, my dad
started getting into it and getting on there.
Well, he needs this woman on there and she lives in
Washington state. So I'm in 8th grade and he
decides he's going to move to Washington state to be with this
woman. But he said I can stay here with

(22:29):
my grandma, my aunt, so I don't have to move all the way across
the country. And he's going to go there and
establish himself. And if I want to move there to
finish that school, that'll be up to me.
So as soon as he left, it was, Idon't remember what I felt.
I don't remember feeling like upset about it or I don't really
remember feeling anything about it.
But I think at this point I had already like, suppressed and

(22:52):
numbed a lot of my emotions. So I just was neutral.
Like I just was whatever. And so I've seen that as my
opportunity. I'm going to go live with my mom
because that's the party place. That's where I want to be.
So I'm going to go live with her.
Apartment with the other your. Brother, Yeah, yeah.
So that's what I did. I was like the middle of my 8th

(23:12):
grade year. I moved out there with her.
We were I was meeting all kinds of people out there, all kinds.
And they were all older. It's freaking amazing to me that
I was hanging out with all theseolder like teenage boys and none
of them, they were none of them were like creeps or pervs or
anything. They didn't never try anything

(23:32):
weird on me. They were just it was a place to
hang out. It was a place they could smoke
their weed and drink without worrying about where they're
going to go to do it. So, you know, I recognize that
they were kind of using me for that, but at least I'm just
really grateful they didn't get any other ideas in that

(23:52):
situation. I was in a lot of sketchy
situations like that. I'm just really shocked, like
nothing more serious ever happened to me.
We. Kind of sounded like that in
high school at a house, and we would always go over there and
we're actually good friends withher dad.
I don't know, is arguably more so than the person themselves.
You think? Half and half?

(24:15):
Half and half, Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, and like Dad would come in.
Hey, what's up? Yeah.
Drinking. Smoking.
Yeah, Mom would do that too. Depending on her mood, Sometimes
she'd come home and she would. She would smoke with us and
drink with us and sometimes she'd.
Kick everybody out. Yeah, so some of the older kids,
they were way older, like 16/17/18, I'm 13.

(24:41):
So then they had this older friend.
His name was actually Louis, andhe must.
Be a savior of some sort. He would come over and he was
the dealer, you know, he had allthe weed.
So he would lay it all out and he would use, he would come to

(25:01):
my mom's place to be able to break everything down and
separate into bags and stuff. And he was cool as fuck.
Like he, he was totally cool. And he started teaching me.
Oh, yeah, he was schooling me. You know, he was like, all
right, I'm gonna, he was grooming me to be a runner for

(25:22):
him, basically. So he started teaching me the
shit. And of course, where I lived,
you could walk pretty much all over the place and there was
all. Business everywhere.
Oh yeah, So he would give me theshit, have me go deliver the
goods, bring back the money, andthen he'd give me free weed for
doing it. So I was like 13.

(25:43):
This is a good ass deal, right? Like I'm getting, I'm getting a
good deal out of this. So I did that for a while and
then in the meantime, I'm going to this school.
It's called Margaret Spelosi. I was gonna ask if you're going.
To school so there's sometimes Iwasn't really going but I had to

(26:05):
go sometimes because of you knowtruancy and stuff but I wasn't
really going like I should have been I had to ride the RTA bus
to school where we live like thethe city bus yeah.
It wasn't like they gave you an RT like a public bus ticket and
you had to go catch the bus one day I missed my bus stop on the

(26:25):
way home and they brought me allthe way to downtown Cleveland.
That was, that was. Drop you off.
Yeah, that why I just got off 'cause I was like, I don't know,
the I just got off and then I was like right in the middle of
downtown Cleveland that there was the courthouse right there.
So I ended up walking in the courthouse and talking to
someone like I'm lost. Like, so they had to call my mom
and stuff. But so yeah, I'm having to ride

(26:46):
the city bus to school 'cause the school is like all the way
across. I don't even know so far.
And it was like the the school is shut down now.
So it was the high school I wentto.
It was ghetto as fuck. Like I was the minority.
It was ghetto, but it was cool. You know, everybody was cool

(27:07):
with me. Like everybody smoked weed.
And we all like we're in 8th grade and we're all like talking
about smoking weed, getting together after school, smoking
blunts and. It's so crazy to me, 'cause
there was no discussion of that and for me in 8th grade.
Yeah, no, it was. It was just the norm, you know,
And it was like they, there was no class.
Like everybody would just pull their desks together and be

(27:29):
playing like spades and poker and shit.
Like it was just, yeah, it was just, it was absolute chaos.
Like there was just no order. And I remember school getting
called off for like a week or two because some kid tried to
shoot at the security guard at the school.
I mean, it was, it was crazy. And then high school started, I

(27:51):
went to, I started at Collinwood.
I don't know if you guys ever heard of Collinwood in
Cleveland, but it it's, it's pretty crazy.
You know, big, huge detectors when you walk in the doors and
just fights break out left and right all day.
It's just chaos. And but everybody was cool with
me. Like I didn't have any issues.
Like, I wasn't like, even thoughI was probably like the only one

(28:14):
of the only white girls in the school, like everybody was cool.
As long as I didn't fuck around or fuck with them or anything,
like I was, I was good. They would actually mess with
me. Like this new kid came when he
was a white kid. And they're like, oh, hey,
Amanda. You know, like, yeah, right.
Like, yeah. Like, hey, you know, there.
There you go. You got a boyfriend now and.

(28:35):
Yeah, and then like at no point in your head are you ever like
where the, I mean like Iraq. Where the fuck am I so normal?
To you actually, you know, at that point, I, yeah, I felt like
I was kind of in my element. Like I felt like I was in the
environment because I had gottenso used to chaos in my life

(28:55):
before that, you know, So it I almost felt like more
comfortable in that environment than I did in like, the small
town. Yeah.
You know, so my grandma had found out my mom's mom and
that's where my who my sister was living with.
And she had found out like, whatwas going on in my mom's house.
Like she had found out like my mom.

(29:15):
Yeah. Yeah.
So she came and she had told my mom like she was taking me.
And if my mom wasn't OK with that, she's going to call
children services. So my grandma made me go live
with her. And in in this meantime, too,
like my dad, he's in Washington state, but he knows he knows the
school I'm going to and he is just not happy with that.

(29:38):
So he was trying to get me get talk to my mom and figure out a
way they could get me into the Saint Joseph private school that
was out there. That was, you know, a little bit
better, I guess. And but my grandma was like,
Nope, Nope, we're taking you back.
You're going to go back to the school that you were going to
before. So I had to go back and, you

(29:59):
know, I got pulled back out there.
Are you? Mad at grandma for doing that.
I was, I was salty, but like, I also was kind of scared too,
like with the threat of children's services.
And like, remember, like when I was younger, you know, my mom
kind of like made this huge dealabout it and how horrible it be.
And I was worried for my little brother, you know, if they would

(30:21):
take him. And so I was, I was compliant.
I was like, all right, I'll go, you know, just don't start shit.
So actually it kind of scared meenough that I was like, all
right, I'm going to go back. I'm going to start like cough
fresh. I'm not going to smoke weed
anymore. I'm not going to drink.
I still smoke cigarettes, but I was like, I'm not going to
party. I'm not going to do that shit.
And you're how You're how old now?

(30:43):
I'm in. 9th grade, so I was 1414.
You're giving it up at 14. I'm like I'm I'm going.
To I'm going to get sober, you know, I'm going to, I'm going to
be straight and I didn't say on that at 14.
Jeez. And I.
I did good with it for a while. And of course, you know, I
didn't change anything about myself.

(31:04):
You're 14. Yeah, I didn't change.
Anything. Then are you gonna change you?
Gonna have been grown up yet, right And and.
I, I just could not get out of my head how good it felt to be
outside of myself, you know, to be able to smoke weed and, and
drink and, and just not feel anything.

(31:25):
And I and, and the anxiety wouldjust disappear.
And yeah, so I couldn't get thatout of my head.
And so I started finding all theright people, you know, the
people that had that shit and started hanging out.
I just, I was such a chameleon. Like I could, I hung out with so
many different people, so many different like crowds and groups
of people and I could just kind of blend in.

(31:47):
So it was really easy for me in that case.
So then like halfway through my freshman year, or I was, I think
it was towards the end, I started dating this this
sophomore boy and. He was.
Like the most wannabe ghetto gangster in the most whitest

(32:10):
community. You know, just yeah, so.
So why? Why, Yeah.
What's still? Appealing about him, I maybe the
bad. Boy persona, you know that you
knew it was fake. That stereotype?
Yeah, I didn't at the time, in hindsight, you know, but I was
like, oh, yeah, You know, because when I was actually in

(32:33):
the real ghetto, you know, I felt like that was my place.
Like I felt like that was my element.
So he was appealing to me because I'm like, oh, he gets
me, you know, He gets where I feel like I belong.
And so I started hanging out with him.
I didn't even really like him atfirst.
Like he kind of got on my nervesand, you know, we started

(32:55):
dating, but he would just, he was up my ass and I didn't like
that. That was one thing about me too.
Like out of jealousy. Yeah, he.
Was he wasn't really, not at first he wasn't.
It was more like just like pawing at me all the time and
just always wanting to be with me.
And you know, and I just, I didn't like that because that

(33:19):
was something I had learned about myself throughout my
experience is that when I was with somebody who was super
anxiously attached with me, I would get really avoidant.
That's not attractive, right? Right, I would just put this.
Wall up, I would just get super avoidant.
But if I was with somebody who is avoidant and had the wall up,
I was the anxious 1, you know, So I would be the one up there

(33:40):
ass the power struggle. Man and I.
I, I kind of chalked that up to like my different worlds growing
up, you know, So it just really caused a lot of confusion in me.
I couldn't figure myself out. So yeah, he got on my nerves and
my friend, my, one of my good friends at the time, she was
dating his best friend. So it's kind of like this cool

(34:00):
thing how we're all hanging out together.
But I decided I was going to break up with him 'cause I just,
he got on my nerves. So I broke up with him and he
was just totally going crazy about it.
And my friend convinced me just just try again, give him another
shot. Yeah, 'cause you know of.
Course, her boyfriend, which washis best friend, was trying to
get her to talk to me and so I was like, all right, I'll do it.

(34:24):
I have no. Idea what the fuck was going
through my head, but within a couple days of me getting back
together with him I lost my virginity to him.
Oh. God still 14, so I lost.
My virginity to. Him.
And that was it, you know, I waslike, locked in.
Yeah. You're soul mates.

(34:45):
Now. So.
Then. You know, the dynamic shifted.
No, I was the one that was anxiously attached.
He was the one that was like, now I got what I needed from
you. So but he did, he became very
possessive. He was actually like he did have
like this mentality, like he wanted to be a gangster wannabe

(35:06):
kind of mentality. You know, really into like
listening to Three 6 Mafia and like wanting to be like that on
the inside right now. But he was really deep.
Into like, he was him and like, some of his friends were like
selling weed and but he started getting me into other shit.
Like there was always other stuff around.

(35:29):
Coke, meth, acid, ecstasy, shrooms, you name it, they found
it. So he really started like,
that's when I really was like, off and running.
And once I discovered these other drugs, I was like, hell
yeah, like, this is it, right here.
And. What tickled your fancy?
First, like what was it, The coke I think that was.

(35:52):
Probably the first thing I triedoutside of alcohol and weed.
I didn't really like the stimulant.
Do you like? Snorting cocaine.
I didn't really like the. Stimulants.
I didn't like the meth or the coke.
I mean, I would do it just 'cause it was there and it was
something to do, but I didn't really prefer.
I didn't care for it. Especially the meth.

(36:12):
I, I didn't like the come down. It was like total despair.
Like it was like, yeah, depression.
Like the whole. World is ending and you know I
am like my darkest, darkest mental time.
So I did. I tried to stay away from it.
My thing was like the ecstasy and the acid.

(36:33):
That's what I really chased, especially the ecstasy.
That was like big back in. Those days, too, like in high
school. And that was like the real.
Like the real shit, like not theshit you see now.
It was like the actual ecstasy that was coming from like the
pill presses and stuff. And now it's like just like a
bunch of dumb shit like MDMA andwhat the fuck are you getting

(36:54):
anyway? Yeah, So yeah, we.
So I was like on this mission all the time to find it.
Actually. Me and my friend went to, we
went to like the straight up hood in Cleveland, 'cause you
know, this kid that we knew was like, 'cause I still talk, kept
in touch with some of them, the kids that I hung out with in
Cleveland. And he was like, yeah, come out

(37:15):
here. I got a dude.
You know, we were going to buy like, I think we had like
$130.00 on us. We were going to buy like
$130.00 worth of ecstasy, which is really only.
Like 5 or 6 pills right? You know like 2025 dollars.
I really don't. Remember, I think they were
like, yeah, they weren't that much, you know, and so.
I had like. These older guy friends that I

(37:37):
would get to drive me around andshit.
So I found one of my older guy friends to drive us out there
and dude comes out, gets my money, I'll be right back and he
doesn't come back, you know? So here we are like in the
middle of like the straight of hood of Cleveland.
How much white people in the. Older hood?
Yeah, still. Like 1415 years old and I'm

(38:01):
like, I'm gonna get out and findthis motherfucker, you know, I'm
like, I'm gonna go start knocking on doors and find this
bitch ass motherfucker, you know?
So my friend, she was like a lotmore vanilla than me.
So like she's like, no. No, no, no.
Don't do it. Let's just get out of here.
Dah dah, dah. And I'm like, no, fuck that.
Like he just fucking straight uptook us like, yeah, I'm like,

(38:23):
I'm, I'm, I'm not fucking doing this.
Like why would you wait before you have that?
Realization. Probably about 30 minutes.
And so I get out and I start, it's like this apartment complex
and I don't even know what what apartment he had went into.
So I just start fucking straightup knocking on people's doors.
It's Justin here. And they're like.

(38:46):
You know, most people are like. Just yelling at me through their
doors and shit, not even openingtheir doors.
And so I come to this one door and this big ass dude, big ass
dude opens it covered in tattoosand shit and he's like yo what
the? Fuck.
And I was like, I'm like this. Motherfucker just robbed me and

(39:08):
I'm looking for him. Is he here?
And he is like how old are you? And I told him, you know, I'm
I'm 15 and he's like he just robbed your ass.
How much did he rob your ass? I'm like 130 bucks.
And he didn't even ask like, youknow, why did you, did you give
him the money or did he just straight up take it or whatever?
He's like, come on. He's like, come on, Princess,

(39:30):
we're gonna find this motherfucker.
And I was like, hell yeah, you know.
So he starts, he's like, what's his name?
And he starts yelling out in themiddle of this apartment complex
in the hallway, like you. Motherfucker, you.
Better come out, you know, just yelling threats and and shit
like that. Of course he didn't.

(39:51):
And so he's like. Dude was like.
Walked he's like, I'm going to walk you out to your car.
So he walked me back out to the car and he was like, he just
gave me this like speech about like, I don't know where your
parents are at, but you need to be careful and you know, don't
fuck around. These motherfuckers are shady as
fuck. Da, da, da, you know as well

(40:12):
speech. So that was the last time I did
anything like that. I just it's amazes me how how
many sketchy situations. I had put myself in but somehow
got away without. Yeah, unscathed.
That's. Pretty, that's pretty sketchy
going door to door. Yeah, I just didn't.
And that's. Where like my mentality came
from my mom, my mom's like that.She just does not give a fuck.

(40:34):
She will challenge the biggest fucking person.
She does not care who the fuck they are.
And I just kind of had that as an example said to me like I
wanted almost like I needed her approval in a way.
So I needed to be like that too.And you reminded me of.
The time I gave my dealer money and he was not answering, he

(41:00):
ghosted me. Oh yeah.
So I went to he was staying at his mom's house and I knew where
his mom lived. Oh yeah.
And his mom was a sweetheart. So I went and knocked on the
door. Mom answered.
Oh yeah, let me get him for you.He came out and head butted the
fuck out of me. Damn.
And it was like. You think you're going?
To come knock on my. Mom's fucking door.
Oh shit, yeah. I was like, OK that.

(41:25):
I will do. Yeah.
'Cause I mean, you can see I'm not.
Very big. So it's like kind of.
Like, well, and that was anotherthing too is I was like this
tiny, you know, I'm 5-1 fucking 15 back then.
I was like 100 lbs, you know, and I had something to prove,
you know, I, I just had something I needed to prove.
And so I was like this little girl in, in high school, like

(41:49):
picking fights and getting in fights and shit, like just
trying. I lived in, in one of those
towns, in one of those schools where people would talk mad
shit, but nobody would ever right?
Like nobody ever does shit aboutit.
So I was like that person. I'm not even going to talk shit.
I'm just going to, you know, I'mjust going to act.
I'm just going to do it. So I would get in a lot of
fights and. And then so.

(42:14):
I'm still dating this guy, you know, and he starts to become
really possessive and violent towards me.
And why violent? Why?
For what reason? Well, he.
So because you were. Talking to other guys or you?
Well, it was he. Well, he always thought I was,
but I never was. Like I was actually really loyal

(42:36):
to him, but he was very paranoid.
So when I first met him, he was he was pretty normal.
Like he played basketball, he got good grades.
He still had the kind of like this gangster mentality, like
wannabe, but he was fairly normal.
And, you know, his parents were together.
But then his parents were going through a divorce at the time

(42:56):
and his dad had moved out and his mom was like, I didn't
really notice it at that age. But now thinking about she was
just like a full blown alcoholic.
And so his his family just brokeup and he started smoking crack
with his friends. And that's one drug I've never
done is crack. I never smoked crack.
I mean still to this day. Do yeah.

(43:18):
Till this day, I've never, I never actually smoked crack.
So he started smoking crack withhis friends, and that's one
really like in high school, in high.
School. Oh yeah.
This is all going on in high school.
And so he, he really changed. He became very paranoid, very
aggressive. And he was always paranoid that

(43:39):
I was doing some shit. But he was, you know, he was
doing that shit, you know, so itwas like guilty conscious works.
Yeah, yeah, they get paranoid because.
They're doing it so he was fucking.
Around and so when I would confront him on on shit, that's
when he would get violent with me and I remember one night we I

(44:00):
went I was so by this time I'm 16 I have my own I bought like I
was like. It's insane how I.
Was able to maintain I still wasgetting like 4.0 average in
school. I was going to school high as
fuck every day. I could not go to school if I
didn't have weed to smoke beforeschool.
Like it just wasn't happening. Yeah, so it was for.

(44:22):
Me too, yeah. And like.
I even like had some people teach me this trick, like if I
put my shit down into like a a travel coffee mug with some
coffee grounds in there that because they would bring drug
dogs to our school and they couldn't sniff it out through
the coffee grounds. So I would, I had this whole
setup and shit, you know, yeah, I had my own.
So I got my license like within a week of turning 16.

(44:44):
Leave that shit in your. Car.
That's what I did it. Was in my car but I would also
'cause they would take the drug dogs around the parking lot too.
Fucking park. Elsewhere, bro, yeah.
But I just, I mean, it was just crazy.
So I had this Swedish truck, I bought it off my stepbrother.
So by this time. By this time my.
Dad had moved back up here with my stepmom, and my stepbrother

(45:07):
came with them and his friend and they got a place, and I
moved in from my grandma's housewith them.
And so my stepbrother had this Swedish truck and he was trying
to go back home to Washington, so he wanted to sell it.
So he agreed to sell it to me. I just pay him $200 a month.
And I was working. I was waitressing so I'm at

(45:28):
work. And we were supposed to go to
an. Eminem concert that night he had
my boyfriend had tickets to an Eminem concert and he was
supposed to wait for me to get off work so we could go
together. And I get off work and I'm
trying to get a hold of him and he's just straight up, you know
goes to me not answering. I get back to his house and at

(45:50):
this point he's basically livingalone.
His mom's always over at her boyfriend's house.
His dad had moved out so he thisis like the party house now like
he's throwing rockers there parties all the time.
So we basically just lived out of there.
So I get back to the house and he's gone.
He had left and Oh yeah, he leftwithout me.
What a dirt ball. I know, right?

(46:12):
So. I lay.
On the couch just waiting and hedoesn't come home like all
night. He doesn't get home till like 6
or 7 in the morning and I had kind of fallen asleep.
That hurts that. Still hurts.
Oh yeah, that. That was like, I can remember
how that felt. That was such a horrible
feeling. He would do that shit all the
time. Yeah, yeah.

(46:33):
And he would do that shit to me all the time.
Like just leave and not disappear for the whole night.
And you don't know where the fuck he.
Is and all I can think about. Is the fact that he's he's
fucking around with other girls and.
So he finally gets home and. I'm sleeping on the couch and he
tries to like lean over and kissme or something and I just, I

(46:54):
bitch slapped him right across the face and he fucking went
insane. He started screaming at me and
swinging at me and shit. Oh yeah, just totally fucking
just absolutely 1 postal on me. He took back that.
So I had like one of those fucking old ass cell phones.

(47:16):
You know, all you could do is really call and make texts and
you know, he took that and slammed it up against the wall.
And so I'm like, fuck this, I'm leaving.
So I go out to my truck to leave.
But his sister has. His boyfriend.
Who's older than her and he's parked behind me so I can't get
out. So I go sit in my truck and he

(47:38):
comes running. My boyfriend comes running out
with just totally like banging on my truck window.
He picks up a brick from his yard and throws it through my
driver's side window. And this is like my baby.
You know, this truck is like my baby with this dude.
I know, right? And I'm sure he was like fucking
had smoked crack and was all cooked up that night.

(48:00):
And I mean, he went to an M&M concert and he was out all
night. I'm sure he was on some.
He was able to go to the concertand.
Not sell the tickets. I know, right?
Yeah. So I get out of the truck and
I'm trying to go after him now. And so his sister's big ass
boyfriend is holding me back. And I'm just like, there's like
this tree and I'm grabbing on these branches.
I'm about to like, fuck him up, you know?

(48:21):
Like he just busted my truck window and I'm like, ready to
go. Like, now I'm gonna fight.
Yeah. It's like early hours in the
morning and I'm like ready to fight, you know, And so this big
ass dude, he's holding me back and he's struggling with me.
You know, I'm like hitting him, trying to get away from him and
so away from picks up a brick again, throws it at the side of

(48:42):
my truck, dents it, picks it up again, throws it at my front,
front headlight. Busted that out.
Dude. I would fuck him.
Up so by this time. Though I'm just like, I am just
defeated. Like, I get to my knees and I
start crying and I'm begging himto stop.
Like, please stop. You know?
This is like a baby. Yeah.

(49:03):
And I was just, I was just fucking, oh, I was so fucked up
from it. And so finally I get out of
there and I left. And I told him the next day, I
said I can't bring my truck homeif my dad sees this.
Like he's gonna fucking know, you know?
Like he's going to ask me what the fuck happened.

(49:24):
Like I cannot take my truck homelike this.
What am I supposed to do? How bad was the truck?
We got the broken so my driver'sside.
Window was completely busted out.
Driver's side window. Dent in the side of the truck.
Huge dent in the. Side and the headlights busted
out. Oh bro.
That's a bad That's a bad morning.
So his mom. Always bailing him out of
trouble, you know if he gets in trouble, like he would get in

(49:45):
trouble with the Lolla and shit.Like she would pay for this
really expensive lawyer to get him out of trouble.
So she she says, OK, we'll we'llI'll take the truck and get it
fixed. I'll get everything fixed on it.
And she let me drive her car. So but I would I had to keep
staying out of their friends houses and shit while this was
happening so my dad wouldn't seethat I didn't have my car.
And and again, like I had mentioned earlier, my dad was

(50:07):
kind of passive, like as long asI called him and was like, I'm
not coming home tonight, OK. You know, there was no questions
asked. There was no like you need to
come home or anything like that.It was just like, OK, you know,
it's just like whatever, do whatever.
So as long as I let him know we were cool.
So I just kept calling. I'm staying at this person's
house. I'm not coming home, you know,

(50:27):
and finally my truck was fixed. But that so my truck had it was
actually a legal tent for Ohio because it came from Washington
state. So the windows had this like
illegal tint on it. It was so dark.
Yeah, but the my garbage side, what's the legal?
Tint in Seattle or in Washingtonstate?
I don't know. I.
Don't remember the book. I know I kept getting pulled

(50:48):
over for it though. Really.
Yeah, I got pulled over a coupletimes.
I have a legal tint on my. Car been pulled over once.
Yeah, I got pulled. Over a couple times.
I mean, this truck was like. This is such a badass truck.
Though it's like this little Toyota, these cops like super.
Thirsty. Well, it's where I live.
Too, Like, you know, these smalltown cops that yeah, like they

(51:10):
yeah, but it's window fucking. Tint, I mean, come on, right?
Like, you know, but I would always like, once they seen who
was driving the car, they were like, oh, OK, OK, bye.
Yeah. And that.
I got myself out of a lot of shit because of that too, of
course. So, but the tint wasn't fixed on
my driver's side, so it didn't match the rest of the windows

(51:32):
like that. There was no tint.
But my dad never noticed. Like he never said anything or
never noticed so so whatever. So of course I kept going back
and kept playing. This game you.
Know and just kept try I would we would break up and I'd try to
get away from him. I'd start talking to other
people and he just fucking stalked the shit out of me and

(51:57):
the one guy. So I started dating this one guy
that I actually had a really bigcrush on in elementary school,
but he had like moved away and Iwas waitressing at this Steak 'n
Shake at the time. And he had came into the
restaurant and I had told one ofthe other the older lady
servers. I'm like, Oh my God, I used to
have the biggest crush on him inin elementary school.
So she went over and told him and stuff and we started

(52:20):
talking. So we started dating.
I was broken up with the the other guy at the time and so we
started dating. We were hanging out.
Well my ex had found out and he showed up at this guy's house
with a gun and held him up against the wall and told him
like if you don't break up with her I'm going to blow your
fucking head off. Dude fucking broke.

(52:40):
Up with me that night, you know,He called me and was like,
sorry, I'm assuming you were relieved.
Not yeah. Oh, he was.
The new guy he was. The new guy.
Because. Because dude pressed down, yeah.
With the gun, Yeah. So it.
Scared the fucking. Shit out.
Oh yeah. I mean, of course I never blamed
him for that. I mean, I actually felt bad that
he had experienced that because of, you know, this craziness

(53:04):
that I was dealing with and. So but every time he would.
Do shit like that. I'd go back to him and so after.
That was done. You were like, oh, I'm coming
back. Yeah.
I mean, it wasn't. Like immediate like that.
But like, you know, and so I remember my senior year, I had
trying to break up with him and I was just totally like

(53:26):
resolved. I'm not going back to him.
We're done. It's over.
He used to always have these, his grandparents would buy him
these really nice cars and he would wreck them and fuck them
up and like he, you know, but sohe always had these really nice
like Mustangs like and they were, the colors always stood
out. There was like a amber or a red
or something. So I'm driving home one night
from work or something and I look in my rearview mirror and

(53:49):
he's fucking following me. And I'm like, motherfucker,
dude. And he's trying to like pull up
alongside of me on the road and stuff.
And I'm just trying to get home.So I, I had myself when I called
my dad and I was like, dad, you know, dude's following me home.
Like I'm about to be there. What do you want me to do?
He's like, stay in your car. When you pull in the driveway,
stay in your car. I was like, all right, so I pull

(54:10):
in the driveway. He pulls up behind me and blocks
me from being able to get out ofmy driveway.
He has somebody else driving thecar.
He jumps out of the passenger seat, comes up to my window and
starts banging on the door. You better get out and fucking
talk to me and dah dah. My dad comes.
Walking out the front door, my dad was like a a hunter back

(54:32):
then he would like go deer hunting and stuff.
So he had this, he had like one of those crossbows like those.
So he comes walking out with that at his side, like just
ready to fucking crossbow someone in.
Between the eyes and my. Ex he goes running up to the his
back up to his car and you know,it had like the automatic lock.
So when he got out, the door hadlocked and he's sitting there

(54:54):
trying to get the passenger openand he's like, open the door,
man, open the door, open the fucking door.
He's about to like shit his pants, you know?
So he gets in and they they drive away.
But yeah, so it was just this constant shit, you know?
So then when I was. 15. About to turn 16.

(55:16):
A lot of people are pregnant andjudge me for this but I don't
care. I got pregnant with with.
Dude with crazy. Dude, no one's going to judge
you for that. Well, this is the part.
That might judge me for OK, cool.
He was in in juvenile detention when I found out I was pregnant.
Like for some other shit like his friends were always like

(55:37):
robbing people and fucking just doing dumbest shit.
We would have like these big assparties at his house and the
cops were always coming and breaking it up.
Like I mean there was just all this shit going on.
And so he was in juvenile detention and I found out I was
pregnant and. So.
He had stolen this like brand new desktop computer.

(55:57):
It's still in the box. You know, back then, that's when
there were desktops. We didn't really have laptops
and shit. It was still in the box and
everything. And he, he told me he's like,
you're gonna sell that computer and you're gonna get an
abortion. Like, and I was like, I don't
know how the fuck I'm gonna do this.
Like I cannot tell my dad I'm pregnant.
Like I knew. So when I was like 14 and my dad

(56:17):
moved back from Washington and Iwas knew I was moving me back
and my grandparents didn't care that I smoked cigarettes.
Like I would go outside and smoke and they didn't care as
long as I went outside. But I didn't know how my dad was
going to feel about it. But I wanted to tell him I
smoked cigarettes because I didn't want to be stuck at home
and not be able to smoke if I wanted to.
So we're in the car and I tell him, you know, dad, I have
something to tell you. You have to promise me you're

(56:38):
not going to get mad at me. And he's like, if you tell me
you're pregnant, I'm going to throw you out of this goddamn
car. And I was like, no, I smoked.
He's like, oh, I already knew that.
And I was like, what the fuck? But so since he had said that to
me, so now at 15, I'm like, I cannot fucking tell my dad I'm
pregnant. Like I won't have anybody.
Like, he'll fucking disown me, you know?
And you know, of course my crazyboyfriend was like, her dad's

(57:01):
going to fucking kill me, you know?
So he's telling me you have to have an abortion.
You cannot have this baby. And I I.
I can say that. I did not want to have the baby
either. It wasn't just like him ordering
me to do it. I was absolutely terrified.
I'm like, I am not ready to fucking have a baby.
So I had to go through this whole fucking ordeal.

(57:22):
Like we had this older friend, he was an adult and he had to do
all this driving around for me, but I had to go to downtown
Cleveland to go to the courthouse and I had to get this
like guardian at Latham type lawyer.
So basically what it is is you can get, I don't remember the
the exact term for it, but you basically get temporary
emancipation to be able to sign for your own abortion so you

(57:43):
don't have to tell your parents.So I had to go through all this
shit like I had to keep it was because you were.
Underage. You got jumping hoops.
Oh yeah. So I kept having to go out
there. And so finally I got to sit in
front of the judge and I just can't, I just like laid it on
that guy was like, you know, my,my dad's side of the family,
They're really religious and they're not going to be OK with

(58:04):
me being pregnant or having an abortion.
They're going to make me marry this guy and he's my abuser and.
Yeah, and I'm like my. Mom hasn't been a part of my
life cause at this point, you know, she's been in and out of
my life and I'm like, I'll have nobody.
I'll be completely disowned. Like I'm going to be living on
the streets. Like I really like was just in
this panic. And, and so he, he granted it.

(58:24):
He, he was OK with it. You know, he let me go ahead and
do it. So what, what do you get?
It's like a letter. From the judge saying, hey, it's
yeah. So it's just basically.
Yeah, yeah. It's just basically emotion
saying that I can, I don't need a parent's signature, so I go to
the abortion clinic. And that was.
Quite the experience. I mean like you hear or see,

(58:47):
like I'm. Tell us about that.
What's a? What's an abortion clinic look
like? Oh, it's so sketchy.
Like first of all, it was in a sketchy ass area.
They always are. And it's like in this like, you
know, you don't see like a big sign out the front or anything.
Like there really isn't anythingindicating that's what it is.
You just go into this like building.
It's almost like, you know, it'slike an office building and

(59:07):
like, it's just this really likeout of the way office that, you
know, you, you have to know where you're going to be able to
find it. But of course you had the people
like you see on TV and stuff standing outside the clinic, you
know, with the signs protesting.So as I'm walking in, they're
calling me a fucking whore and ababy killer and a murderer and

(59:31):
all this stuff and Oh my God. You know, so I was.
Just like, and it and it was hard on me, you know, it was, it
wasn't like I was just like, oh,I'm having an abortion.
You know you're young. You're young.
And it was hard for me to come to terms that I was going
through this like I was going tohave to, I'm really doing this.
And so that was, that was prettytraumatic.

(59:53):
And then, so then they're doing the ultras like the pre
ultrasound, they're putting me to sleep and.
But there's doing an ultrasound as they're putting me to sleep.
And. The doctor calls the nurse over.
He's like, take a look at this. So she's looking and he's like,
do you see two? And she was like, yeah.

(01:00:15):
And he's like, you're about to have twins.
Are you sure you want to do this?
And I was like, well, I wanted to do it with one.
I mean, I, you know, but. At the same.
Time, you know, I'm already likealmost under, like I'm out and
he's asking me this like I really didn't have a choice at
that point. Like no process, yeah.
I couldn't process. That like I couldn't understand

(01:00:36):
that. And you know, of course people
have always asked me like, well,you never thought adoption was
an option and all this shit. I'm like, dude, you have no idea
what it's like to be a scared ass fucking.
I mean, I literally said boys are asking.
You this people no like other people were.
Asking me like, have you ever considered adoption?
Like what? Why not?
Why not just have the baby and put it up for adoption?
And I'm like, well, you never know.

(01:00:59):
And that's, yeah, you're, you'rea terrified kid.
I'm like, well, that would. Involve having to tell my
parents and you know, like and then like literally had the
abortion the same week as my 16th birthday.
Jesus and life is a plot twist, so.
You did go through with it. Yes, I did.
I woke up just bawling, like just totally distraught.

(01:01:21):
Like it was a horrible experience and I was really
like, it really fucked with me. Like I knew my due date.
So every year on that due date for like years, it was just like
I'd have that pit in my stomach.And so when I was 17, I had to
start getting like my normal like women exams, like my paps
and stuff like that. And I was seeing a general

(01:01:44):
physician for she usually don't start seeing like an actual
specialist until you're an adult.
And she has started asking me questions.
Have you ever sexually active? You've ever been pregnant?
So I told her the truth, 'cause she's my doctor.
I told her I had an abortion immediate.
You could immediately see the judgement in her.
So then after she did my exam, she said I'm gonna have to let

(01:02:05):
you know that the chances of youever being able to have kids or
getting pregnant is is pretty much 0.
She's like, whatever, whatever procedure you had caused a lot
of scar tissue in there. And yeah.
Well, that's. What she was claiming, you know,
she was telling me you're you'renever going to have kids, like
basically condemning me because of what I did.

(01:02:28):
So I was. Like, all right.
Fuck yeah. Dude, I don't want kids, you
know? No, like, yeah, I'm.
Like, you know, I'm good becauseat that point I didn't think I
deserved kids. You know, I just, and I mean, I
was just fucking. At this point I'm. 17 I'm ready
to move out of my house. I'm fucking selling an insane

(01:02:50):
amount of weed and and acid to supplement my job, you know, So
like, I have my job, I have my serving job, which I make pretty
damn good money at. I'm about to graduate high
school and I have the side hustle.
So I'm like fucking good. I'm doing, I'm doing really good
for myself. I was going to say.

(01:03:11):
It's something you're crushing it.
Oh my God, I was doing. Really.
So then my, my crazy boyfriend, he got sent, he got like a 10
month jail sentence for like kidnapping, 'cause he like held
this dude, him and his friends held this dude hostage while
they robbed his house and shit. So he's in jail.
So I'm like, no, I'm free. I'm fucking free.
So I, I got an apartment. I literally moved out on my 18th

(01:03:34):
birthday. He was living.
With you, No, I moved out of. My dad's house.
So at this point, you know it's my dad, my stepmom.
You know my stepmom. Me, we kind of had this
contentious relationship where we were cool, we'd get along to
each other's face, but behind myback it wasn't really.

(01:03:55):
She didn't really approve of a lot of the things I was doing.
And she made it well known to like my grandma, my dad, like
she was constantly throwing me under the bus, you know, So and
I went to school the next day and I did this all the time.
Like I just, it was nothing for me to go into school and be
fucked up. I just go sit at my desk, put my
head down while you're tripping on ass.
Yeah. So get this.
I had this weird fucking photographic memory back then.

(01:04:18):
Definitely don't have it anymore.
I had this fucking crazy memory.I don't know if it was the drugs
or what, but I would look at something like, you know, that
they'd give us the assignment. I'd look at it, read it once and
I just couldn't like recall it, the, the picture of it in my
head. So I never struggled in school,
like I'd pass my tests and no problem.
Like the information was there. I just recall this picture in my

(01:04:40):
head. I'd be able to see it.
So I never had problems with that with my grades or anything.
And I would actually have like other kids in class, like get
pissed off because I'd sleep every day in class and I'd get a
better grade than that, like a acid.
Rain Man. Yeah, and like my teachers.
Would talk to me like, you know,are you cheating?
And but they knew I wasn't. There was no way I could have

(01:05:01):
been. And it was just, you know, so
jealous of that superpower. I was like, yeah, I'm.
Like oh, I just study when I gethome and just don't try.
You just. Didn't have to try, just fucking
Nope it. Was so.
Easy to for me, I ended up graduating with like a like a
4.5 GPA 'cause I was taking hundreds and shit.
Yeah, it's dropping ass smoking.Weed, crazy lifestyle and still

(01:05:23):
walking out with a 4.5 so I actually got like.
Scholarships and shit like I graduated with A3. .2 not trying
and thought I was fucking hot shit King Dong yeah I.
Was like fuck yeah. God, I was just like.
I It just was nothing. So what?
What are you? Are you what?
Are your thoughts after high school Like what's your goal?
Like the plan? Of course, everybody like my mom

(01:05:44):
and my mom and my dad were like pushing me to use my
scholarships to go to college. Like they wanted me to be a
lawyer. And I kind of, I wanted to do
that too. I wanted to be like a criminal
defense attorney. Any good schools?
Like going your way. So it was Miami the.
University of Miami, FL, Florida.
Damn Hurricane. So.
I was like, I'm taking a year. Off.
I'm fucking done. Like I'm taking a year off.

(01:06:05):
Like I, I want to just go get myplace.
I want to enjoy the year off of school and then I'll use it
'cause my scholarships are good.I could wait two years to use
them. Oh, OK.
So. I get my own apartment and at
this point it's just like a fucking free for all.
Like I have my own place. So like the fucking amount of

(01:06:26):
like slinging I was doing just like doubled, like I was
hustling the fuck out of that shit, you know, like, but the
thing was, is like all this timeI, I was going through all this
stuff from middle school throughhigh school, like I was around a
lot of older people that were teaching me this shit, like
teaching me that what not to do and what to do.
And so I knew like not to have people come to my place.

(01:06:50):
Like I'd always go meet him somewhere.
I'd have some send somebody elseout or, you know, I had ways of
doing it. So it wasn't like I was having
people coming out of my apartment to buy shit.
Now I did have people coming over to party and I just lived
in this little studio apartment.You know, the bed came out of
the wall and like, you know, youwalk in and just show your beds
in the wall and then you have this little like barred
kitchenette and the bathroom andthat was it.

(01:07:11):
But it was like, now my place isthe party place again.
A lot of my friends still lived at home and so they would come
over. So I I wake up 1 morning to like
someone knocking on my door. I'm like who the fuck's knocking
on my door? Like they're the police you
know? And it was the fucking police.
So I go to the door and he tellsme some.

(01:07:36):
Of your neighbors are. Concerned about the traffic you
have coming in and out of here. And I had suspected that maybe
they had been watching me for a little bit too.
Just flipped it and been like ohwhat?
Do you mean I'm just having parties?
Yeah. So I was like.
Paranoid already as it was, I had already expected they were
like, on to me. So like, I felt like he was just
like, I didn't feel like anybodyreally complained about it.

(01:07:57):
I felt like he was making an excuse.
Fishing. Yeah.
Fishing, so I was. Like, I, yeah, I have a lot of
friends. I'm like, dude, I'm like 18
years old. Like, I have my own place.
My friends are always coming over here to hang out.
So here I get that. I get that.
And he's like, but there's been some word, word on the street.

(01:08:18):
Just plain clothes officer. No, he was in uniform.
He's like, there's been some word on the street that there's,
there's some things coming out of coming from you.
And I'm like, I don't know what you mean by things.
You know, I was just like, I wasjust really trying to play dumb,
you know, and. He's like, you know?
Like, and he started saying likeLSD, marijuana and stuff like

(01:08:41):
that. I'm like, well, I smoke
marijuana, but I don't. Give it to anybody.
Talking though. LSD Well, so I think someone.
Got busted and they snitched. So they were.
Definitely fishing and he definitely like he nailed.
All the drugs that you were doing, you know, main ones.
So he wasn't just like, Oh yeah,that was it.
Like. Somebody fucking totally ratted

(01:09:01):
me out of it and they had no problem throwing me under the
bus. It's not like I was some like,
badass gangster. I was going to come back and
fucking do anything, you know? So doesn't matter if you were
anyway. People chucked those guys under
the bus, too. Oh yeah, true, true.
And that's. Funny because I.
Never did that, but people thought I did because I would
get my ass out of so much fucking trouble.
Like just playing the innocent car.

(01:09:22):
Like I at this point I was like a master fucking manipulator.
Like I use those survivor skillsas a kid reading people reading
the room and stuff to, to turn that into manipulation.
So it's all high and mighty. I don't have to steal from
anybody. I don't have to rob from
anybody. I'm not fucking anybody over.
But I was manipulating people. I was playing on their emotions.
I was getting them to hand over what I wanted and needed by

(01:09:46):
making them believe I felt a certain way or, you know, and,
and that was just as bad. You know, I was, I was fucking
with people's heads big time. And so I, I really just played
the dumb card. He told me they were going to
come back with a warrant, that they had enough on me to come
back with a warrant. I said, well, once you have the
warrant come back, you're not doing anything right now.

(01:10:07):
Some cookies, right? Like well.
Thank fucking. God, I actually was in between.
So there was like a dry spout. I don't know if you guys
remember this, but back then sometimes there'd be like a
couple week, what we call the dry spout, where you couldn't
find fucking weed. Any.
Yeah, can find. Thank you.
I I said that wrong. Drought three.

(01:10:27):
Yeah. And you couldn't find it
anywhere. It would be like dirt weed, you
know, full seeds and stems and shit.
So I was going through that. And then I had just given a
given my friend 200 sheets, like2-2 hundred hits of acid, 2
sheets of 200, a hundred piece of acid to sell for me.

(01:10:48):
So I didn't have shit in my apartment.
Like I had just given them to her because she was going to a
rave or some shit. She was gonna sell them for me.
And I, I trust her. She had been my best friend all
through all this shit. And so I'd just given those to
her like the night before, and Iwas in a drought, so I didn't
have any weed. When did they come back?
Like 2 hours after. He knocked on my door.

(01:11:09):
After the knocking, yeah, he came back with a warrant.
Two hours later. Damn I.
Was so fucking lucky 'cause he fucking sat outside my apartment
while they waited for the warrant because he wanted to
make sure I wasn't going to comeout and ditch shit.
You know, like they were ready for a huge bust.
Like they thought they were going to get a big bust on me.

(01:11:30):
So he comes in. And they, you know, they had a
couple other guys come in and these guys were like plain
clothed. I think they were like, you
know, the narcotic agents or whatever, and not much to search
in my apartment, but they talk and tore the place up.
Probably fucking DEA. What'd you?
Do afterwards did. You like kind of do a little

(01:11:51):
told you I was like I don't knowwhat.
You guys are looking for but I couldn't find it.
You know, you just put my shit back.
And. So then they apologized to me
because they said they've, because of the fact that they
said they had gotten misinformation, they had gotten
wrong information and now they understand, they see like

(01:12:11):
nothing going on here, right? And so.
They were apologetic and shit, so they're probably assuming
that whoever fucking told them was just making shit out.
Like just, you know, telling. They probably knew I was like
using this shit, but actually selling.
Yeah, that all that confirms. That someone told on you?
Yeah, yeah. So.
So I was cool on that and then. I just started being a lot more.

(01:12:33):
Careful and shit and just reallywas just trying to like lay low
for a while and not fuck around.So I was really just like kind
of putting that to the side and just doing like with my friends
and stuff, like people I really trusted.
And then so my friend, my good friend, the one that I would
have go run shit for me and stuff.

(01:12:53):
We had been best friends all through all this shit.
She had an, a, a, a guy she was dating and he was kind of
abusive to her. And they were back and forth.
And one time they broke up, she started dating our manager at
work. So everybody at work, we worked
at Steak 'n Shake still at this point, she worked with me.
We all partied together. Like we would go out after work,

(01:13:13):
like our managers would have bigparties and shit and we would
have these big parties together.And so she started dating one of
our managers and she briefly dated him and then she got back
together with her, you know, crazy boyfriend or whatever.
So they decide one night that they're going to go to this
dude's house to get my friend's vacuum, the manager that she had
been dating. So she's going to go with her

(01:13:35):
boyfriend to her. Yeah, to.
Get this vacuum. And she locked over there.
Yeah, well, he's at. Work.
The manager's working, so she calls up to the restaurant and
talks to him to see if he's working, you know, before they
go there. And he's like, yeah, you know,
I'm at work. She's like, well, I want to pick
up my vacuum. And he's like, well, you're

(01:13:55):
gonna have to wait, 'cause I'm at work.
Well, they go to his apartment anyways and they break in and.
They steal. Like a bunch of shit like steal
some money and some CDs and a game console I.
Know that's what I fucking said,dude.
So they come to my those two come to my apartment at first

(01:14:16):
'cause I was having people over.So they come over to my
apartment and I'm just kinda clueless.
They have all the loot with them.
Oh yeah, yeah. Like and so I'm just kinda, I
was clueless. But when they get there, she
tells me about it and I was like, dude, you're a fucking
idiot. You know, like what are you
thinking? And so dumb.

(01:14:36):
She's like, oh, he, he's. Not gonna do shit about it.
And I'm like, alright. Whatever, so we're partying and
stuff. And again.
Someone's pounding them on my door like they're the fucking
police. And at this point it's just me,
my friend and her boyfriend, which is only us in my
apartment. And I'm like, fuck.
So I, I look out the, the windowof the people or whatever and I

(01:15:01):
see that it's, it's obviously it's a plainclothes cop like,
but, but you could see his badge.
It's a detective. And I'm like fuck dude, it's the
cops. And she's like don't tell them
we're here. So they go hide in my bathroom
efficiency apartment. I know.
So they go hide in. My bathroom, the door closed.
They were to hide. And I'm like.

(01:15:22):
Dude, I'm dressed like, cause ofcourse, you know, I had dated
this guy who's like a gangster wannabe.
So I had that mentality and mindset.
Oh, fuck yeah. Like I like Trina was like my
bitch, you know, like, you know,Trina the rapper, she was like
my bitch, like my Myspace was the baddest bitch.
Like my brother and his wife still tease me about that.
So I go out there and I have this whole like ghetto, like

(01:15:43):
South Pole get up like velour suit with like one leg pulled
up. And, and I walk out there like
I'm just like, you know, so I just like slip out the door and
shut my door behind me and I'm like, can I help you?
And so he starts telling me, youknow, we got a report that there
was a robbery, and we believe the suspects are here.

(01:16:06):
Her car's right outside, out front.
Yeah. And.
I go, yeah, they were. Here, like I had people over but
they left with someone else. They're not here anymore and
he's pressing me, dude. He's fucking pressing me and
he's like. Well.
We have information and a witness saying that you were
with them. They said you know, and he gave

(01:16:29):
my like I had at the time I had like the same length hair of now
and but it was all curly. He's trying to scare.
You. Yeah.
And he's like they. A witness said they seen another
girl with them with black curly hair and I'm like, well, dude,
you're looking at me right now. I'm like, how do I know you're
not just making that shit up? I'm like, I wasn't, I have not
left my fucking apartment all night.
Like I'm like, he's like, well, do you mind if I take a look

(01:16:50):
around your apartment then? And I said, do you have a
warrant? And he was like, he's like, not
yet, but we're, we're in the process of getting 1.
And I go, well, if you don't have a warrant, then you're not
coming in. And he's like, well, if you're
worried about like other things,like if you guys are smoking pot
or drinking or whatever, he's like, I don't care about that.
We're just looking for these these robbery suspects and.

(01:17:13):
I'm like, fuck, I'm like we'll come back.
With a warrant and I just went back inside.
So I'm sitting there like fuck, what the fuck are we gonna do?
Like there's no other way out ofmy apartment.
Yeah, like, except for the front.
And he's sitting out there. Like, I mean, he's not leaving.
Like he's literally standing on the fucking sidewalk watching my
front door and told me he is gonna stay there until they get
the warrant for the warrant. God, what man?

(01:17:33):
You got bad luck with that? Well, I was.
Like so in my bathroom there waslike this attic crawl space that
had like this thing you could pull, like the chain you could
pull down. So I was like, you guys need to
get the fuck up there. And the way that like the the
crease of the door like looked as you couldn't tell like unless

(01:17:56):
you really knew it was there andyou looked really close, you
couldn't tell because it blendedin with a tie of the same color
as. Like the rest and so.
I told him get the fuck up there.
I unscrewed the chain so you couldn't see that there was a
chain hanging there and screwed the chain from it.
Like put it in my pocket. And then I fucking, I had like
those glow in the dark like sticker stars and I put them all

(01:18:19):
over the, the ceiling, covered the hole, it covered the creases
and shit. So you couldn't fucking tell
there was anything there. And so it probably took about an
hour and a half or so and they come knocking on my door with a
warrant and. So I'm like, all right.
You know, come in and there's like 3 or 4 cops in this tiny

(01:18:42):
little efficiency. They're, they're looking
everywhere. They're pulling shit out,
looking everywhere, looking all around.
The one cop even walked in the bathroom, was looking up and
they're. Like they're not here.
I'm like I told you, they left. Somebody took, you know,
somebody came and picked them up.
They left. So.
You know, there was nothing theycould fucking do, A detective

(01:19:04):
told me. He looked right at me, and he's
like, as soon as I have enough evidence, I'm coming back to
arrest you for complicity. Like, oh, boy, you know, guilty
by association. I guess I was like, all right,
see you then. Get the fuck out of here.
You know, so how long your friends up there like?
From Oh my God, they were up there for.

(01:19:24):
Hours. I mean, they fucking stayed out
there. What are they doing?
How much space? We got.
I don't know. It's a.
Tiny space. Yeah, I.
Don't think it was. Like the middle of summer or
anything like that. It was, I don't remember what
time of year it was, but I know it wasn't like, I mean, yeah.
And I mean, I was wearing a fullass floor, like fucking

(01:19:44):
jumpsuit. So it wasn't like hot outside.
But yeah, they were up there. They and they brought, they had
the bag of shit that they stole from him up there with them.
God Almighty, that's. Insane.
So they ended up falling. Asleep up there for a while.
So this detective, these cops are waiting out there for her to
come back and get her car. So they were out there like

(01:20:05):
until the early fucking morning hours and before they finally
left and they're waiting. So I'm, I'm assuming that they
had a cop waiting like at that, at the exit, you know, for one,
she was in a pull out, but they finally pulled away from my
apartment and kind of scattered and stuff.
So like the next day, by like midday, they finally felt
comfortable enough to come down.So they're up there, the whole.

(01:20:27):
Time. Yeah, yeah.
So these dumbasses decide they're gonna fucking take the
bag of shit and and throw it in the my dumpster in my apartment
complex. So.
So they they throw in the dumpster.
I think they had somebody else come pick them up though,
because they were too scared to drive her car out of there.

(01:20:47):
So they had somebody come pick them up and she didn't come back
for a couple days to get her car.
But they eventually caught up with them and arrested them.
They ended up getting charged with it.
So then the cop, the detective came back to interrogate me
about the whole thing because hewas still convinced that I had
been with him that night. And he kept telling me I'm
gonna, I'm gonna get what I needand I'm, I'm gonna arrest you.
And I'm like, alright, well whenyou do that, come back and

(01:21:10):
arrest me like I, I don't like, you know, like these are empty
threats right now. You know, so but fucked up thing
is that for like 8 years after this happened, I would check I
had any warrants to see if I hadany warrants for like 8 years
'cause I was so fucking scared that they would put a warrant

(01:21:30):
out for me and I wouldn't know it.
And like, of course, after my I had my kids and stuff, I'd be
worried like my kids would be with me and I'd get pulled over
and get arrested on this warrant.
So yes. I mean, that was just like never
happened. Nope.
I never went to jail. I never got arrested or
anything. I didn't do any.
You didn't do the. Robbery.
When did you? Turn the.
Corner and decide you wanted to get clean.

(01:21:53):
Well, so I remember the doctor told me I couldn't get pregnant.
So I, I ended up going through abunch of fucked up shit like so
my ex got out of jail, he got out of prison.
He tried to contact me and get ahold of me and I kind of hung
out with him a couple times, butwe weren't going to get back
together. He introduced me the other, this
other dude who was like a huge, big time like weed dealer.

(01:22:14):
Like he was like the dude, you know.
So he introduced me to him and Istarted getting weed off him.
Well, I started dating this dude.
And so one night, it's this guy's birthday, you know, and he
comes over to my place and I'm, like, trying to make it a
special night for us, you know? And we're like, in the middle of

(01:22:35):
the act and my, my crazy ex comes walking through my door.
Oh, his homie. Yeah.
So. Yeah, so this is the dude he
introduced me to do that. It's all the weed and shit.
So he comes walking in my door. Why you guys are in the process,
boy. And he?
Fucking just likes going nuts, starts breaking shit, throwing
shit at me like punch me in the forehead.
But the dude I was with us actually.

(01:22:58):
Like so the. Dude I was with, he was trying
to like grab his bearings, you know?
I mean, he's just like trying toget it together while all this
is like I'm fighting him. So he finally gets a hold of
him. Like he's bigger.
Like everybody was scared of my crazy ex.
Like everybody was afraid of him.
I could never date anybody 'cause everybody was terrified
of him. Like he was fucking crazy.
And he like beat the shit out ofsome mother fuckers and put him

(01:23:19):
in the hospital so people wouldn't fuck with him.
But the dude I was with, he was actually like bigger.
He could take him so he was ableto hold him down and hold him
back. I went, I like ran back in the
bathroom. I think I called the police or
something and he ended up my ex ended up getting away and he ran
and took off. And it was this whole ordeal and
I was scared to stay at my apartment.

(01:23:40):
So my mom had actually lived like down the street from me.
So she let me come stay at her place and and I was still dating
this this other dude, the dealerthat I my ex introduced me to.
So he he had a house. He I ended up moving in with
him. So we were together for a little
bit and I caught him cheating atme with his ex-girlfriend.

(01:24:03):
You like physically? Caught them?
Well, yeah, like I. Mean I didn't catch them in the
act like it wasn't like this whole like karma situation or
anything like I didn't catch them in the act, but you know I
had enough and he finally admitted yeah and he when I
confronted him he admitted like he didn't deny it basically so
I'm like fuck this mother. I'm not going through this
fucking bullshit. So I I come, I go and rent AU

(01:24:25):
haul like this huge SU haul 'cause I had all my shit from my
apartment at his place and he's sitting there and I'm like
fucking just moving out this big.
He would not help me. I had to move everything out
myself. So I get the fuck out of there.
And at this point my dad, you know, my stepmom are still
living in the same place. So I'm like, I'm gonna come back
there for a little bit. And so now I want I'm on the

(01:24:49):
rebound. Like, I'm basically looking for
like a revenge thing. Like I'm gonna find some dude
and you know, I'm gonna play thegame basically.
So then I met my son's dad through mutual friends or
something like that. It was supposed to be like a one
night thing and I was supposed to not be able to get pregnant.
So the doctor told me I couldn'tand I ended up getting pregnant.

(01:25:12):
Classic Miraculous. Concept.
Classic. Yeah, right.
So I'm not going to have an abortion.
Of course, I'm only 19 at this point, but I'm, I'm having the
baby, you know, I'm having this baby.
I'm not doing that again. So I didn't even I could not
stand this dude like you have a tendency of.
Dating men you can't stand, but I think it was.
Just like me, you know, it was just like my, I mean, it was the

(01:25:33):
kind of men I was attracting too, you know, that didn't help.
And so I couldn't, I just couldn't with him.
So I broke up with him when I was pregnant.
I ended up getting an apartment,but then my grandparents were
worried about me living alone and being pregnant.
So my grandma want me to come live with her.
So I did. And I didn't really talk to my
son's dad the whole time I was pregnant.

(01:25:55):
He started dating another girl and moved in with her.
So after my son was born, I was like, I'm not gonna sell shit
anymore. Like I'm.
And I'm not gonna do other otherhard drugs anymore.
I'm just gonna smoke weed, maybedrink.
AI didn't really care for drinking.
I wasn't a huge drinker. I would do it, but I just
didn't. It wasn't my first choice.
Like a bonus. Yeah, so I'm like, I'm just not

(01:26:16):
going to do that shit anymore. I did not use anything the whole
time I was pregnant with my son,which I was smoked Nothing, No,
no, nothing. I mean, I still smoke
cigarettes, but like I didn't, Ididn't take do any drugs and
smoking weed or do anything likethat.
I was really proud of that. But of course, as soon as he was
born, I could not wait to fucking get out there again, you
know? So he was born.

(01:26:36):
I started smoking again. I started hanging out with his
dad again. And I felt like, oh, I'm going
to try. I have an obligation to try to
make this work. We have a kid together.
So that ended up being a whole fuck show of like a roller
coaster with him. And he really like was doing
things that I felt was putting my son in danger and stuff like
that. And then when I let him come

(01:26:57):
live with me, like there was some sketchy things going on
with my son that like, you know,basically he was being like
really rough with him in the bath and like basically
waterboarding him when he was giving him a bath and shit.
So my son was like terrified of bathtubs.
And so at this point, I'm livingin this condo that's connected
to my dad and my grandma's condo, but it's my, I'm living

(01:27:18):
in my own condo and they're in front of me.
They're connected to me. So they're taking care of my son
while I'm at work and his dad's sleeping all day and not
working. But when he would get up, he
would go pick up my son and my son would scream and throw a
fit. So they knew something was up,
right? So.
I was like fuck this. So I just saw him like, I'm
taking you back to your parents.My dad finds out that you're
fucking doing shit like this. He's going to fucking kill you.

(01:27:40):
You know, like I, this is not good.
I'm like, if you want to see him, you got to take me to
court. Like you got to let the courts
decide this. Like I just don't feel he's safe
in your care. And there was all this other
shit I'm not going to get into, but it was just this whole
ordeal. So then after that I started,
that's when, that's when the opiates came in the picture.
After my son was born, it was like one thing after another.

(01:28:01):
After he was born, they they gave me DARPA set, you know,
that's it for pregnancy. Haven't given birth.
Yeah, after giving birth, they. Give you shit, would he take you
to court? No, he never did, no.
Yeah, he my deadbeats never do they.
Always do. Yeah, my son.
My son's 20 and still has not met him.
Really. Yeah.
Wow. I mean, they talk, they'll text
here and there, but my son just really does not.

(01:28:22):
No interest. Good.
I mean, he's a. Deadbeat, what have you done so.
You know, I, you know, I was always honest with my son, like
I, I was the one that kind of put a stop to it.
You know, he had the option of taking me to court, but I was
the one, you know, he would try like periodically, like
spontaneously over the years, hewould try to get a hold of me.

(01:28:42):
But at that point I'm like, dude, this he doesn't even know
you. Like I'm not putting him in the
situation like this needs to be handled by professionals.
Like I'm not doing this. So I got mixed up with the
opiates. I started with Darva.
Set. I started with the Darva set.
That was like fucking coming in really easily.
Like I was getting those so easily and then I ended up

(01:29:06):
getting this, it's really extensive surgery on my wisdom
teeth. Like they had to like literally
extract my jawbone to like get the they were so embedded into
my jawbone, so upgraded. I had to get like my jaw.
Wired shut and everything and soI was on like Vicodin and perks
for like 2 months. I ended up getting really
infected. I had to go back.

(01:29:28):
They literally cut it open, likewithout even numbing me or
anything. And they had left the bone
fragment behind right in there. So yeah, that was like another
month worth of pain medication. I was getting migraines.
I had been getting migraines since I was a little kid.
So I was getting these off of migraines and pain back in my
shoulders. They sent me to like a physical
therapist, a chiropractor, and they had found that my neck bone

(01:29:49):
was like curved the wrong way. So I had to do all this physical
therapy. So pain management, physical
therapy, pain management was giving me pain medication and
physical therapy was giving me pain medication.
And they both knew about each other.
I mean, it was like no problem. I mean I'm only like 20 at this
point, 2021 years old. 2005, 2000. 6 So they're just fucking

(01:30:13):
loading you up, giving you whatever.
Yeah, and I mean. Sure it was no time before.
You're not taking the. Mass prescription, Yeah, Before
I'd. Run through like a prescription
that's supposed to be for 60 days and like a week and a half.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're giving me like the
fives, like all fives they were giving me so.
The pain management doctors weregiving me the Vicodin 750 and

(01:30:35):
the physical therapists were giving me the tramadol, the all
trams, but they were giving me ashit ton of those and they try
to insist that oh those aren't addictive, they're systemic.
I had the worst withdrawals fromall tram and tramadol.
Really my? When I would.
So sometimes that would be all Ihad for like a week and I
wouldn't be able to find anything while you're waiting to
re up at the doctor. Yeah, so I would only.

(01:30:55):
Have the Tramadol, but sometimesI'd run out of that and I'd
still have like two or three days that I'd have to go
without. And those were the worst fucking
withdrawals I've ever been through.
Really. Yeah.
Those withdrawals, like, I seriously thought I was going to
die. Opposed to like the Vicodin.
I mean, of course the other withdrawals were horrible, but
not like this. This was like just I, I felt
like I was actually like going into a insanity.

(01:31:17):
What are you taking? A lot like.
I was, I was getting 100 milligram tablets and I was
taking probably at least ten of those a day.
Damn. OK so then I the you know it got
to the point where I was taking like upwards 40 easily taking 40
pills a day and I was just chewing them like handfuls like
and I would just chew em up because they would last you know

(01:31:39):
they would kick in faster so I would chew em up.
I was waking up after like only being asleep for a few hours and
full blown withdrawals and have to take like another hand put
like miserable of tramadols. Who would have thought?
And tramadols. Vicodin and so I.
Like my stepmom? Was getting her own Vicodin from

(01:32:02):
her doctor that she wasn't taking.
So she would, she would sell those to me for like 2 bucks a
pill. And so I was getting, I was
usually getting them and then myone friend, my good friend, the
one that end up getting busted for, you know, the robbery and
shit. I was actually, we, we had a
place together at this point. And you know, my son at this
point is staying with my dad. OK, So remember I said earlier

(01:32:24):
like I went through something similar my mom went through and
now I can understand her better.My dad had offered to 'cause I
wasn't stable, he knew there wassomething up like.
So I got out of control pretty quick.
Yeah, like he didn't know. I was like battling a drug
addiction, but like he knew thatI just wasn't stable like I had
There's a whole other story where I had let my sister come
live with me and I lost my condo.
Like me and her ended up having it out.
So I like 'cause you didn't cover your.

(01:32:46):
Half no like she. Accused me of stealing weed from
her. One morning she came home, she
was all fucked up. She has her own like alcoholism
and shit and she was all fucked up on shit and I was getting
ready for work. She came home in the morning and
was saying I stole like $10 worth of weed out of her room
and I'm like I don't need your fucking weed like.
I can easily get my. Own and she ended up going

(01:33:07):
Ballistics. She like threw a fucking huge
ashtray through my sliding glassdoor and busted it and shit.
And so I ended up getting kickedout of there and so I left there
and I was I I was couch surfing for a while.
So that's, you know, my son had to go stay somewhere.
So my dad offered to take him and I was just trying to get my

(01:33:30):
shit together. I thought I could get it
together, you know, I was still maintaining.
I was working. And then I got a place with my
friend. And then she started getting
like heavier shit. Like she was finding methadone,
she was finding the fentanyl, the prescription fentanyl
patches, patches. So she.
Was we were doing those and we would just cut them open and eat
the Jelly. Yeah, that's the only way to do
it. Yeah.
And I remember taking like, I didn't know anything about

(01:33:53):
methadone. So she would get these methadone
pills, and I mean, they were notcheap.
Yeah, they were not cheap either, but she would get them.
They were like the white. I don't remember like they were.
Big yeah. And you could break them off.
And so I would take like 2. I was sometimes I would go
through like two of those in oneday.
Damn buddy. And I remember just fucking 2
full ones, yeah. I I would.

(01:34:14):
Be like driving, like fucking nodding out and just driving up
on curbs and shit like that. Oh man, it was crazy so.
I. I was so fucked up and.
So something. Fucking, I don't know how it
came to be. Oh my God.
So this is a whole another majorthing.

(01:34:36):
Before this, before I got pregnant with my son, my ex, my
crazy ex, right? Yeah.
After all that shit went down inmy apartment with him catching
me with that dude and stuff likethat, I was working.
I was still working at Steak andShake at this point.
I was working one night. It was like I did third shift,
so it was late. It was like one or two in the
morning. There was nobody in there.

(01:34:56):
And he called up at the restaurant and I had, I had
been, it was just me and anothermanager working and he called up
there and he was just talking shit on the phone.
Like I couldn't really understand what he was saying.
But the only thing I could understand was that he was like,
I got this thing cocked and loaded and I'm ready to use it.
I was like. Fuck.
So I hang up the phone. I told my manager, and she's
like, we'll keep an eye out for him.

(01:35:17):
I was in the dining room. I was doing something at one of
the tables. And she's like, Amanda dropped
your fucking knees right now. And I just, I dropped down so
hard on my fucking knees. I mean, they were so bruised.
He was like standing outside thewindow with a gun pointed at me.
And she came crawling over me. She dragged me into the office.
They locked the door. We locked the door.

(01:35:38):
Well, he came in through the front door and he's screaming,
Amanda, you fucking bitch, I'm going to fucking kill you.
It's this guy's deal, man. Like move on with your life, you
fuck with me, you're going to see.
What the fuck? I I was so scared.
So we had a back the back emergency accident.
So I ran out of the office. I thought I could just fucking
book it across. There's like some hotels and
parking lots. I'm just going to fucking get

(01:35:59):
the fuck out of here. So I ran out the back door.
Well, he came around and met me in the back and he like just
slammed into me. He fucking hit me in the eye
with the thing. I saw the scar up there.
Yeah, he pistol with me and he had the gun to my head and he
was like, you ready to fucking die, bitch?

(01:36:20):
You ready to fucking die? You're going to pay for your
sins and all this shit. He's talking crazy ass shit
like. And I could tell he was blacked
out because he had this look in his eyes like I was like, I'm
fucking done. I'm fucking die.
This is. It's fucking.
Over and then I hear all these sirens and he fucking turned
around and ran and I just fucking collapsed, you know,

(01:36:41):
like that fucking I just. I was like.
Roller coaster so hard. And they, so he ended up making
a got in the car, he made it up to the gas station up the street
before all these cop cars. I mean there was like 10 cop
cars surrounding him because my manager had to call the police
and said he's got a gun and shit.
So he had like 10 cop cars surrounding him.

(01:37:02):
So the cops get him out of the car, they get his gun, but he
tries to grab the cops gun and it fires off what?
But it doesn't hit any of the cops.
What? Well, they do so.
He got. Arrested.
Oh, they didn't like shoot. Him back no, they they ended.
Up getting him like 'cause the the way he like he grabbed it
like fired out yeah yeah you know they were able to like

(01:37:23):
subdue him and like get him under control off the prison he.
Goes so they arrested him. So by the time that he was
actually scheduled to go to court for all this, I was
already nine months pregnant with my son and they wanted me
to come and testify against him.And I was like, I am not going
in that courtroom and testifyingagainst him when I'm nine months

(01:37:44):
pregnant. I am not doing that.
So they ended up getting him to agree to a plea deal and he took
15 years for assaulting officer.They dropped the charges against
me. What was he looking at before?
Like attempted murderer or yeah,yeah, yeah.
Yep. So they dropped the charges
'cause I wasn't willing to testify.
They. Got him on the assault.
For police officer so he got sentenced to 15 years OK and

(01:38:05):
then what Mike get when he triedto.
Do suicide by cop, what do you get?
5 yeah. Something like that.
Damn. So he had, he was already on
parole from like the previous kidnapping thing and, and he had
a huge, huge rap sheet. Like, I mean, he fucking had
been in and out. So, so he gets so, so Fast

(01:38:27):
forward now I'm, I'm, you know, my son has been born, He's
living with my dad and I'm living with my friend.
And I don't know how the fuck itcame about, but he got, he got
in touch with me from prison andI started writing him.
And I know, I know. So then he.
Ended up so his sister, she was totally opposite of him.
Like she had her shit together. Beautiful woman.

(01:38:50):
She had her shit together. She never really used drugs like
she would drink but she was already like she was a year
younger than me and she already had like her MBA and shit.
Like she was doing really good. She's working as a big huge bank
like loan officer and shit and she had her own place.
So he's like I you can go live with my sister, 'cause me and my
friend had lost our place by that time.

(01:39:10):
You can go live with my sister. I was, I had.
So this time I'm working at Eaton Park and another
restaurant and still got a full-fledged.
Pill head. Pill head.
Oh fuck yeah dude, I was. Like just it was blowing up.
So she let me come live with her.
So I'm staying with her and she's helping me like pay some
bills and and keep my maintain my car and shit, you know,

(01:39:33):
because I wasn't getting hours at work.
Well, I ended up walking out of my job at Eaton Park.
My manager. He just, I've worked there for
like 4 years and he just was fucking.
So he's one of the guys in high school that I used to get to
drive me around and I like wouldmanipulate and shit.
And he had he had a fucking boneto pick in his revenge.
So then when he became my. Manager, just coincidentally, he

(01:39:56):
was like, fuck yeah, dude, he fucking gave it.
Like he just. So I walked out in the middle of
a Sunday rush. I was like, fuck you, I'm out.
Peace, you know. And so now I'm like without a
job, you know, I, I had this other job, but they only had me
on call like if somebody called off.
And so she's trying to help me find a job.
And so she's dating some. Prominent figures.

(01:40:18):
From Cleveland that are like investors and owners of like
these fancy restaurants and shitand she's like, oh, they're
about to open this new restaurant.
I can get you a job there. And I was like, yeah, you know,
I've never worked in like a finedining type setting, but I bet I
can make some money, you know, and, and at this point I'm like
just playing the fuck out of like dudes.

(01:40:39):
Like I'm just, I'm not like sleeping with them and shit, but
I'm like fucking totally playingthem.
Like I had a boyfriend, but thenI had these other guys that I
made think that I like them and they would, they were like
giving me money and shit and just buying me shit.
One dude like paid for my son's entire Christmas and like, it
was just fucking crazy. So so she gets me.

(01:41:04):
She finds me this job. And.
I was really intimidated by him,like I've never worked in this
setting, you know, whatever. I almost didn't go, but I ended
up doing it, thank God. And well, while this is before I
go work at this job, her brotherwho's in prison, my crazy ex.

(01:41:26):
He somehow. Convinces me to bring drugs into
the prison. That was another thing I kept.
Checking my warrants for So he'scoaching me on this.
God, you know, what do you do it?
What's the statute of limitations on this?
I don't know, like how many hypothetically?

(01:41:49):
Oh my God. It's been.
How would you do? It well, I've been with mine.
Yes, it's been longer than. A decade.
It's been way longer than a decade.
Yeah, you're good. So, well, I had to go there a
couple times just for like a basic visitation.
Like they were really, it was a Trumbull County prison.
They were really like hardcore about who came in to visit

(01:42:10):
'cause they did like common areavisits, like you didn't go
behind a wall or glass, like youactually sat at the table with
them. And like, so like they were
really like you had to go through this whole screening
process and you know, of course I didn't have a criminal record
or anything. So they just had my ID and I had
to go through this whole process.
So I had to, I had went in therea few times and they, you know,
they did the whole like scan youand shit like that.

(01:42:32):
And so they started to recognizeme and stuff.
So they were getting really like, like.
Yeah. And so he told me where to go to
get some of the shit and he there was like a bunch of pills
and weed and shit like that. And like it somehow like he told
me where to go to, he told me hesent me this dude out and like

(01:42:54):
fucking, I don't even know. It was like Warren or Rooster, I
don't fucking remember. But they like vacuum sealed it
like so tight. And it was like in this tiny,
like it was like the small little plastic, but it was like
a shit ton of stuff. Like, I don't know how the fuck
they condensed it, but they vacuum sealed it and you know,
of course stuck that shit, my lady parts and shit, you know,

(01:43:14):
and then they had a common restroom.
So I'd go in there, leave it there like in the in the pad
dispenser thing. And then they had correctional
officers that were coming in andretrieving it, you know, like
there was a whole system in there and.
So I. That was fucking stupid as fuck
for me to risk that for him. But I was being basically bribe

(01:43:42):
my I'll get my mom to pay your car payment this month if you
get this in here and I needed that.
I didn't want to lose my car so I was willing and agreeable to
do this right. And his sister was letting me
live with her for free, so I felt kind of like obligated.
But. Ultimately I made the decision,
you know, I'm responsible for that.
So so she gets me this job and. That's where I met my husband.

(01:44:09):
Ironically, at the fine dining. Establishment my crazy ex.
Ex's sister gets me this job andI meet like the love of my life
and so. I had like.
I had noticed him first. Well, he disputes this, but he
was just too intimidated to talkto me or whatever.
So, you know, all the other kid dudes in the kitchen were like

(01:44:31):
fucking saying shit to me all the time and trying to flirt
with me and joke around with me,you know, I don't know if you
guys ever worked in the restaurant business, but it's
fucking you know, you know how we the kitchen talk and all that
shit, you know, galore so. The dudes were like.
Doing that, but he wouldn't say anything to me and I'm like
dude, what the fuck is this dude's problem?
Like, you know, I figured he must have had a girlfriend or
something, right? So he.
Was shy, yeah. So he was like.

(01:44:52):
And then out of nowhere, one day, he's like, hey, hey,
Amanda, you know the song Closerby 9 Inch Nails?
I'm like, yeah, He's like, I heard that this morning.
I thought of you. And I was like, oh, it's fucking
odd. I love him.
You know, it's on. Let's go.
And he doesn't know. What a train wreck.
You are no. He had no.
Clue at this point. And so, yeah, he, you know, he

(01:45:12):
kept being persistent about hanging out and stuff.
So I invited him over and I was like, OK, this is just going to
be another notch under my belt. Like, you know, we're just gonna
have some fun. And I told him straight up that
night, like, I'm not looking fora relationship.
I'm never fucking getting married.
Like, I'm done. Like, I'm totally gonna be on my
own. Like I'm done dating.
He's like, OK, he was just totally cool with that.

(01:45:32):
Well, after that night, we neverstopped hanging out.
It was like an every night thing.
And he started to pick up on thefact that I was taking handfuls
of fucking pills at a time. And I tried to convince him
like, I'll unprescribe them. I'm taking them as needed.
And he knew I smoked weed, and he would smoke weed with me
sometimes. But he was the kind of person
that he could, like, smoke weed or smoke a cigarette and then

(01:45:54):
not pick one up for like, yeah, he's one of those, you know,
like, he doesn't have that personality.
Like he can take it or leave it.Like he doesn't.
So he knew I smoked a lot. Of weed and shit.
But he started noticing that, sohe started picking up on it and
he really got me out of that denial phase, 'cause I was in
denial. I was like all high and mighty.
I'm maintaining. I'm not like the other addicts,
you know, that kind of thinking and shit.

(01:46:19):
He so he asked me one. Time.
How many pills are you taking a day?
How many pills do you take in one day?
And I was like like 40. And that's like on the lower
end, like that's like being, youknow, generous or whatever, but.
He told me he's like I. I love you and I don't want you
to die. And he's like, what do we need

(01:46:40):
to do to get you help? And.
And I was like. I don't know why with him, I
know it sounds bad because I hadmy son but I knew he was taken
care of. Like I knew he was in good hands
like my dad and my grandma are taking care of him and at that
point I see no worth of myself. Like I felt like he was better
off without me being mom to him.Like I felt like he was in a

(01:47:02):
better place. So that wasn't enough motivation
for me. But when, you know, I had this
person who I had absolutely no love or respect for myself, but
he's looking at me like, I love you, like I don't want to see
anything bad. But he wasn't judging me.
Like he wasn't fucking giving meshit or making me feel like a
piece of shit or a loser. Like he was just like, I, I want

(01:47:25):
to help you get help. So that's when we started the
process of looking for some kindof treatment.
I was not willing to do inpatient.
Like I was totally opposed to it.
Like I still was seeing my son all the time and I had to work
and I was like, I'm not doing that.
I'm not subjecting myself to that.
So we found one Suboxone clinic.This was in 2009.
OK, Yeah. So that's like 1.
Suboxone was fairly new. So we found like one clinic an

(01:47:49):
hour away that took Medicaid. So we go there the first day
after I detoxed for three or four days, 'cause you have to
have everything out of your system.
Yeah, yeah. So like, you have to go in there
and be completely cleaner. They're not going to give it to
you. So I was.
Fucked, dude. I was like, I was ready to, you
know, like I was. Ready to?

(01:48:10):
Fucking die, like just end it. So I go in there and I'm like,
I'm just waiting, like counting down the fucking minutes.
I can't wait till I get in thereand get this medicine.
I'm going to feel better. And so they drug test me and
they're like, well, you still have barbiturates in your
system. Like what the fuck are
barbiturates? Like, I have no idea what I
took, you know, right. So like up to that, the three or
four days before that, I was just taking whatever, whatever,

(01:48:31):
you know, I don't know what the fuck barbiturates are.
Like we can't give it to you until that's out of your system.
And it can take 30 days. So you're going to send me back
on the streets like I don't wantto use.
They're like, well, you can comeback every day until it's out of
your system and we'll see. But then that means I can't use
anything else or I'm starting the whole process over.
So go home that night, come backthe next day.
It's still in my system. And this fucking nurse that's

(01:48:52):
sitting there, she's like, you could tell she has no idea.
And I mean, I know back then, like it's not like how it is
now. Like they weren't really
recognizing how bad this was. And she's like.
I'm like, how am I supposed to work and take care of my kid and
full blown opiate withdrawals? Like I cannot do this another
day. And she's like, why don't you
just go to work and keep your mind off of it?

(01:49:13):
And I was like, I fucking just slammed the table.
I was about to like, I was trying to like fucking throw the
table. You know, I'm like, bitch, do
you have any idea what it's liketo have to go to work and full
blown opiate withdrawals off of it?
So she. Like got scared.
And went and got the doctor and brought him in the room and he's
like, and I'm just fucking goingoff.
I'm like, you're going to send me back on the streets.

(01:49:35):
This isn't this is fucked up, You know, just totally like
playing this Guild trip and he'slike, all right, give them to
her. Damn.
Well they prescribed me the Max dose, 24 milligrams at the time,
24, so 38 milligram tablets. But they made you go downstairs
to the pharmacy under them to get it right then and there and
then dose it all in front of them.
So you have to eat all three so.You have to take all three.

(01:49:55):
Of them right there. They watch you take them so much
too. Especially for a tramadol
addiction dude. Well, it was.
At this point, it was like way more than just tramadol.
It was like Percocet, methadone,fentanyl, yeah.
Suboxone. Yeah, It was like, now the
therapeutic, like the starting dose is like 16 milligrams,
yeah. And I was even on heroin and

(01:50:17):
they gave me 24 milligrams rightthen and there.
Gnarly button. And so I Oh my fucking God,
knocked out. I was.
Done. I had.
To go to work. I went to work, I went to work
and I'm standing there against the wall like falling asleep.
And my boyfriend, who's my husband now, he, he's like, you

(01:50:37):
need to go home. Like just go home, go to bed,
whatever. So I told the work I was sick.
Well, I got to my car and beforeI'd even had a chance to start
my engine, thank God, I passed out for two hours.
Like 2 fucking hours. I come to like 2 hours later and
I'm like fuck, I need to go to the hospital.
Like I knew something was seriously fucking wrong.

(01:50:57):
So I drove myself to the hospital.
Fucking stupid, but I drove myself to the hospital.
I get there and they treated me like absolute garbage.
They're like first. Of all they're like what?
The fuck is Suboxone? So I'd explain it to him.
They had no idea what it was. I'd explain it to him.
So I don't know what they did, but apparently with the Barbici

(01:51:18):
was in the Suboxone together, itbasically had the same effect
you would have of you overdosed.So they, I basically got
overdosed. And, you know, I'll take
responsibility for the fact thatI was persistent and pushed for
them to give me the medication, but I had no idea that it was
gonna do that. So I don't know what they did to
reverse it, but they left me waiting in the room for a long
time. And they had the IV in my arm

(01:51:38):
still. They had me detached from any,
like, fluid or anything. It was just the IV sitting in my
arm. And I kept telling them, I want
to leave. Like, I'm done.
Like, I want to go home, I'm done.
I feel better, I need to go. And they just kept fucking, you
know, leaving me sit. So the one nurse assistant came
in and she was talking to me telling me they were getting my

(01:51:58):
discharge papers together and there was another nurse like
clear across the hallway at the hospital.
And she's like, don't let patient in room such and such
leave with that needle in her arm.
She tested positive for opiates.I was like, what the fuck?
And that was like a punch in thegut.
Cause so I have like a fucking severe phobia needles like

(01:52:21):
severe like to the point where if I know I have to go in to get
blood work, like I'm sick beforeI even get there.
Like I'm ready to pass out and black out.
Like they have to lay me down todo blood work and like, I
cannot. So the fact that I was in this
mindset, like, oh, I'm not like other addicts.
And then I was here. She's sitting here saying like,
you know, I'm fucking shooting up and shit like that.
That fucked with me, you know, So I, I, I don't know, it just

(01:52:43):
made me sick to my stomach, but I think it was a reality check
that I needed because I knew that's where I was headed if I
didn't get this shit under control.
So I wasn't going to keep doing the Suboxone after.
That was a bad experience, but Idecided to try it again and and
then I ended up being on it for 14 fucking years.
You did the 24. Milligrams again after that I
don't. I think I started getting like

(01:53:05):
take home so that they didn't make me do it all at once.
They still were. They prescribed me 24 milligrams
for like at first, but then I got pregnant with my daughter
like two months after I started it.
And back then they switched you to Subutax.
They don't do that anymore, but they switched you to Subutax.
So they switched me and I think they kept me at that dose for a
little bit until like the middleof my pregnancy and then they

(01:53:27):
moved me down to like 1614 years.
So. I had both of my daughters on it
and back then they didn't call children services on you like
they do now. So I didn't have to deal with
any of that. My daughters were born.
My one daughter was born prematurely, but it had nothing
to do with that. She was born at like 36 or yeah,
it was 34 weeks. I think she was six weeks early

(01:53:49):
and did she come out strong? Straight out on No, she
actually. So she was she was like only 5
lbs. She did have to stay in the NICU
to monitor make sure she was like eating and she didn't get
jaundice and stuff. But they monitor her for
withdrawals and they never had to treat her for withdrawals or
anything. My other daughter, same thing
but she wasn't born early she was born on time.

(01:54:11):
She was actually my biggest babyand she didn't have to stay in
the hospital any longer than shewas supposed to.
They kept her there for the likestandard 3 days and kept an eye
on her and she was fine. Never had any issues.
So and they're both like they're13 and 15 now.
So like and they're fucking amazing.
Like fucking. I was just joking with my mom

(01:54:33):
the other day. She did take them, you know, so
we, you know, I have a relationship with my mom now and
not like a really intense one oranything, but I'm able to, Yeah.
And she'll, you know, she, she'sa lot different now.
So she'll hang out with my kids and she took them the other day
and I'm like, and my brother's wife, I fucking love her.
She's she's funny as shit. She gets me, she gets my

(01:54:53):
personality. She'll joke with me and she sent
me a video with my girls, like holding up the like flipping the
bird and shit. And I was like, yeah, that's
right. Keep corrupting them.
They need to live a little because they're so like
sheltered and they they have. This is totally different life.
It's ironic because you're a fucking.
Wild card I. Know, and I told my mom I'm
like, yeah, like, you know, kindof just not like too bad, but

(01:55:13):
you know, just let them, let them taste a little bit.
Yeah, I'm like. I'm bored, you know?
They're too easy. I'm fucking bored, you know?
But I mean, I'm not complaining.That's a good thing.
I mean, that's one of the thingsthat I really show a lot of
gratitude for is that my kids are none of my kids are nothing,
nothing even close to what I waslike when I was their ages.
Like they call it mom lore when I 'cause I'm open with them.

(01:55:35):
I tell them my stories and they call it mom lore because they're
just like, I can't believe you did that.
Oh my God, my mom, that's so great that you do.
That. Though that you share the story
so that they understand the dangers.
Oh yeah, the lie. Yeah, and they get.
It like I'm not playing around like and they know, like if they
were to try to get shit past me,like they know they know.

(01:55:56):
Mom, has that been? Successful for you sharing the
church with them one. 100% yes. Like I definitely really
encourage that, especially now that I work with other people.
You know, I'm, I do the Pierce sport thing and I work with a
lot of parents and a lot of parents with teens.

(01:56:17):
And I'm like, yeah, a lot of them already are pretty open
with their kids. I mean, their kids have seen a
lot and shit, but I'm like, you,have you noticed that?
Patients from affluent communities, it's that's not the
case with parents, yes. That they're like.
Oh. My.
God, my kids on drugs. Yeah.

(01:56:37):
Yeah, isn't that wild? Yeah, or it's.
Like. Oh, you know, they'll have like,
or I'll get like old, like people a little bit older and
they have adult children. And like my kids never knew that
I was, you know, full blown alcoholism or they never knew
that I was using coke the whole time they were growing up.
And I'm like, dude, you need to fuck, talk to them about this
shit. Like you need to tell them
what's up, you know, But yeah, Ithink that's absolutely like one

(01:57:03):
thing is that, you know, it's, it makes me feel really good
that I was able to break those like generational patterns and
curses. You know, it's like my kids live
a totally different life. Like my son got a little bit of
a different taste of it because he did end up staying with my
dad pretty much his whole childhood.
Like when I got my shit together, he was in a he came to

(01:57:23):
live with us for a little bit, but he wanted to be back where
he was coming, where he knew andhe had all of his friends.
I told him to go stay there and be in school.
And we, we ended up moving to a different county.
We bought a house in a whole nother county because, you know,
getting away from the people, places, things, you know.
I soon learned, though, that youcan go anywhere you want, but
you're just yeah, you're just gonna take you with you.
So, you know, I wasn't using. I never did relapse.

(01:57:45):
Whatever you are, you still on the?
Subs no get off you. So I got up in 2023.
So I never relapsed this. I got you off the Subs Why?
Did you get off the Subs well? You know, I tried a lot over the
years. I would try to wean.
They were like really pushing meto get off of them at 1st.
And yeah, with the, the daily dosing, like it was hard.

(01:58:06):
Like it was really hard. I would get down to like such a
low dose and I'm like, I can't fucking do this.
But I also wasn't addressing a lot of my mental shit.
You know, the, the, the drug use, the substances were just a,
a, a fucking symptom. Like, you know, I had a lot of
underlying fucking shit that I wasn't dealing with and I was
relying on the Suboxone. So like I would say I never
relapsed, but I was misusing my Suboxone at some points.

(01:58:29):
Like I was taking more than whatI was supposed to because I was
starting to rely on that and usethat as like, I'm going to, I'm
stressed. Oh, I got to take more.
So. Like I really had to overcome
the mental addiction of needing something to take every day.
I was more addicted to that mental thinking.
Like I have to actually physically have something to
take every day or if I'm stressed that I think that was

(01:58:52):
the hardest thing to get over. But then, you know, there was
all these other things. Like I gained a shit ton of
weight. I was like, I'm on these mental
health meds and stuff. And I ended up gaining like
getting like the heaviest I've ever been in my life.
But I also had sleep apnea that I wasn't treating.
So got that treated. I started losing weight.
I lost a bunch of weight. So I started feeling good and I
was finding other ways to deal with my shit.

(01:59:14):
Like, I really got into meditating, and that's something
I really stand by. And I hated it at first, but
that was something I really started to like, just be
practice, yeah. It took.
Me a lot. It's like building a muscle, you
know? It's hard to sit with me for. 5
minutes, yeah, I would just fallasleep.
Like I'd be falling asleep because of the sleep apnea and

(01:59:35):
the the medications I was on, I was just nodding off like
constantly trying to meditate. I couldn't stay awake for like a
minute or two to even get through a meditation.
So, but I was persistent with it.
And so I started doing other things, like I was finding other
outlets in other ways. So I started to realize like
they were weaning me a little bit here, you know, I and I
started to realize that I was not, I was forget, actually

(01:59:59):
forgetting to take it at this point.
I'm a peer support, which that helped me a lot.
My own recovery like that helpedbring a lot of shit to yeah, it,
it brought a lot of shit to light.
Like there's a lot of things I I'm not doing for myself that I
need to be doing and really helped me put that in practice.
So I started doing that kind of shit.
Well, the place I was going to get my Suboxone for all this

(02:00:22):
time, all this, these 14 years on was that I was going to get
this place never, never tested like dirty for anything like
never had a relapse or any problems or anything like that.
They called me up one day and they're like, if you don't start
going to 12 step meetings, you're not compliant with the
program. We're going to cut you off.
And I was like, because my psychiatrist was allowing, was

(02:00:46):
accepting the fact that I was running my own, facilitating my
own peer groups and I was doing like online SMART Recovery.
So she was just because they, they required you to do 3
meetings a week and she was accepting those as my meetings.
But they decided that if it's not 12 step meetings, you're not
in compliance. Like you have to physically go
to 12 step meetings make you feel.
Dude, I was fucking. I 14 years later.

(02:01:08):
And you're now I like totally. Like ring this bitch out.
I know she was just doing her job, but she called me and she's
like, tell me this. I'm like, are you kidding me?
I'm like there. There was.
You did. You wanted nothing to do with
it. No, I did not want to.
Go to 12 step meetings like thatwas not my thing.
I what? What was the fear or.
So a part of. That compliance of the program

(02:01:29):
at the very from the beginning was that I had to do 12 step
meetings. So I did go like at the
beginning, I did go for for a while.
And I didn't like the fact that every, like the people that I
did, the very few people I did talk to, they're like, don't
tell anybody you're on Suboxone.They'll say you're not sober.
So I really didn't like that because I felt like I couldn't

(02:01:49):
be completely, 100% honest with my recovery program, which
defeats the purpose, right? Yeah.
And I just didn't really like the structure of it.
Like I know it works. I don't have anything against 12
steps. I know it works for a lot of
people and it has helped a lot of people get sober.
I just didn't really agree with the structure of it.
Like I didn't like the I wanted to discover like my own

(02:02:12):
spirituality. And I know they say like the God
of your own understanding and stuff.
I had a lot of shit with like religion and my aunt from when I
was little and I just really wasn't ready to like dive into a
program that was like praying and you know, and I was, I know
a guy that used a. Rock is his higher power.
I've. Been sober for like 40 years.
That's fucking awesome and I love that, you know, but I just,

(02:02:35):
I was not in a like mental placeto be able to work this program
in the structure, the way they had it structured.
You know, I tried the sponsor thing and that just wasn't
working for me. And I'm like, man, I just
didn't, it just wasn't for me. So when they try to tell me
after all these years, 'cause then COVID happened, so they
were accepting online meetings and I was doing my own.

(02:02:57):
And you know, so then when things started to go back to
normal and they were like, oh, you know, now we expect you to
have three meetings and we're not going to accept these
alternatives. Like it has to be 12 step
meetings. And I was like, well, that goes
against everything I fucking stand for.
Like I'm a peers for it. Like I'm sitting here working
with people, you know, encouraging them to find their
own path to recovery, and then I'm going to go and do something

(02:03:19):
that isn't my path to do that, right?
So I'm like that goes against. Everything I believe, and I
can't do that. I'm doing my own.
I'm like, and why are you tryingto fix something that's not
broken? I've been ending this program
for almost 14 years and I haven't had any problems like,
and now you're trying to tell melike that you're going to just
RIP it away from me. Well, thankfully I worked for
this really great agency at the time that's on Northeast Ohio.

(02:03:42):
They have several locations and part of that working for them as
I was able to see their doctors as long as I went to a location
that I didn't work at. So they so I ended up going
there. I'm like, I'm just going to get
my Suboxone there. And the doctor talked to me
about the supplicate injection and he's like, you know, a lot
of people have been successful getting off with this.

(02:04:03):
And I was like, I didn't think Iwas ever going to get off.
I remember one of my counselors was like, if a diabetic has to
take insulin for the rest of their life, what's the problem
if you have to take this for therest of your life?
I'm like, all right. So I just kind of like accept
the problem is if you don't have.
It you get sick as fuck, that and that.
Caused me I could go on for daysabout the kind of anxiety it
caused me. Traveling is a fucking.
Issue you got to have your prescription and it's fucking

(02:04:25):
ball and chain for many years. They had this thing where like
the prior authorization would come up like every three to four
months. And if they didn't do the prior
authorization ahead of time, I'dgo to pick up my medicine.
And granted, I'd already be hours and hours late taking it
because they would only fill it the day of and it'd take 24 to
48 hours to get that prior auth.So by the time that would come

(02:04:47):
through, I'd already be like 3 days without it.
Yeah, you're sick. As shit, but it's a couple
times. Like, you know, I really
appreciate like a lot of these pharmacists that were like very,
some of them weren't the greatest, but there were a few
that I that I would, you know, have the same pharmacy and they
were really, really fucking cool.
Like they very much like recognized like my effort and
the recovery. So they would I would pay out of

(02:05:10):
pocket for like those two days and they would just dispense the
two days and let me pay out of pocket and then you still.
Get the rest, yeah. And then whenever.
It was and then for a minute there they would even backdate
it so then I can get reimbursed.But then they didn't stop
letting the pharmacies reimburse.
You have to submit it to your insurance now and shit.
So that was just that was years,I mean 14 fucking years of like

(02:05:32):
this monthly drug screens, having to go in once a month.
At first it was more than that, but then I eventually turned to
maintenance. So I'm having to go in once a
month. I have to do these meetings,
bring in sinus sheets. Like I can't miss my appointment
or they're not going to give me my medication.
And so yeah, finding, going to this place and figuring out
about the like I was already, soat this point I'm on like 4

(02:05:53):
milligrams a day. Like I'm just taking a half a
tablet a day and I'm going to work and forgetting to bring it
with me. And you know, so that's when my
doctor was like, let's do the injection like it's time.
So I did that for three or four months, four months.
I had 4 injections and they started me at the lower.
Like they usually start at a higher therapeutic dose, but
since I was already on such a low dose of the Suboxone, they

(02:06:13):
started me at the lowest. So did that for four months and
then that was it. That was it, I was done.
Nothing. Now you're free.
No withdrawal, no cravings. It had to feel amazing.
Oh my, that. Was like a huge, I created like
a fucking sobriety date just outof that.
So like, like I think, oh God, Ithink it's I and I have to look

(02:06:34):
at it, 'cause I just recently decided I was doing that.
But it was May of 2023. You know, my original sobriety,
like I got on Suboxone April 13th of 2009 and it was May of
of the year 2023 that I had my very last injection.
So one of the nurses I worked with, she was cool is shit.
She was curious. She's like, 'cause they could
take six months to a year for that stuff to work its way out

(02:06:56):
of your system with the injection 'cause it's like a
depo. That's why you don't get like
the withdrawals 'cause it works out of your system so slowly.
And she's like, let's it was like 6 months later she's like,
let's get drug test you and see if it's still in there.
So she did and it was out. And that, that, that was the
moment that I was like, fuck yes.
Fuck yeah. So.
That's like one of the biggest things I get now, you know, I

(02:07:20):
work with a lot of people who are on Suboxone and the
medicated assisted treatment. So a lot of people want to know
how did you do it? Like, how did you get off of it,
especially after that long period of time of being on it?
Like, you know, it's got to be one of the biggest fears.
Of people that get on in the mapprogram is how am I ever going
to be able to get off of this shit?

(02:07:41):
Yeah, and it's terrifying. Too, Because what if something
happens, there was a period of time like when I first within
the first couple years that I made a little too much as a
waitress and they took away my Medicaid.
Now you got to pay for it out of.
Pocket, so I had to pay for it out of.
Pocket I can only buy like a week at a time but it was still
like 700 a month or something rather God.
Damn, that's steep. So that's like a really.

(02:08:03):
Really terrifying thing, but so yeah, I mean I in this whole
time I'm going through my Suboxone treatment, you know,
I've had my 3 kids and it's funny for a girl it's not.
Supposed to have any kids, you know, right?
Ironic. How that works?
Like fuck dude but they saved mylife.
I'm glad you brought that up. I'm glad you shared the the 14
years on the Mat program and thebattle to get off of it.

(02:08:25):
And yeah. Oh, freeing.
It feels to be off of it, yeah. And so much has changed since I
did get off of it. Like it.
It's like something it flipped aswitch at me.
Your brains working. Properly, yeah.
So I started to like. Really understand myself and
really start to become self aware and you know, I really

(02:08:46):
started to find the security in myself and this confidence that
I didn't carry before. And you know, that's what I
would like had mentioned to you guys like earlier that took me
16 years to marry my husband. Not, not a lack of trying on his
part. You know, he he wasn't
persistent. He always respected me.
He respected he's always respected my boundaries and my

(02:09:07):
wishes and stuff. But you know, every once while
I'd bring it up. So, hey, you know, I mean, we
have kids together. Like he raised my son like he
was his own. And you know, he's like are.
We ever going to do this? You know, and then we had to
kind of come to this resolve like we, it's just a piece of
paper. Like we don't need that to feel
secure in our relationship. Like we're happy and but then we

(02:09:27):
know you start getting into likethe legal things of it and
having kids and stuff and all that.
I'm like, fuck it, like why don't we just get married?
So December 13th of last year, on Friday the 13th of 2024, we
got married at the courthouse and you know.
That was our original. Anniversary December 13th, 2008

(02:09:49):
and. You know it.
It was it felt good, like it's growth, you know, and I feel
like we live like that, you know, that that life that
people, you know, always think about and want to strive for and
you know, the white pit defense and and the kids and the dogs
and you know, just the good jobsand the nice cars.

(02:10:13):
You know, these things like those are all material things,
but it's like, you know, it really does exist.
Like it it really that kind of life does exist, Like you can
have that life like in but we both, I mean, he had his own
things too. Like he's not, you know, he's
he's definitely my hero, but youknow, he had his own like

(02:10:35):
emotional demons he's had to deal with.
But it took both of us looking into ourselves and, and making
those positive changes in ourselves so that we could be
show up as a better version for each other.
And we have it's like we're freaking teenagers.
You know, we're, we're in this permanent like honeymoon of like
just having so much fun togetherand laughing and, you know, just

(02:10:57):
being in love and, you know, kissing like we did when we
first dated and just having thishealthy out relationship and
communication and like we're each other's best friend, you
know, but I needed to get to a place of security.
Like I had a lot of these insecurities that I was like,
I'm never getting married. I used to joke to people like
what's your secret? Why you guys so happy after all

(02:11:17):
this time? Like because we never got
married. My grandma would always tell me
like, marriage is the death of arelationship.
It changes a man. You know what I always say?
The ring comes off. That's how I speak about
marriage. Oh, it comes off.
Yeah, motorbikers are. Not there forever.
You can. Take it right off and all of a

(02:11:38):
sudden. I'm not married anymore.
Right, right, right. And you know, but I was like, I
don't want to go through all TheDirty, messy, like legal
repressions of divorce and custody and all that shit.
Like I'm just going to like, I don't want anything from you
motherfucker a piece I'm out. Like I don't need your shit.
You know, like I kind of was in that mindset of like I'll take
care of myself. Like I don't need marriage to be
able to feel secure that if something does happen, I'm going

(02:11:59):
to get a bunch of shit from you,You know, like I don't need
that. Like I if I went out, I just
want to be able to get out. Like I don't want to be tied
down by all this like legal shit, you know, And is there, is
there a. Message you would give to
anybody in recovery or struggling or struggling with
the MAP program, or to your participants.

(02:12:19):
Oh my God, there's you'd. Like to leave them with.
There's so much. But you know, it's just, it's
just doing the work. You know that the medication's a
tool. It's not your whole recovery
program. And I had a don't be, I tell
people not to be intimidated that I've been on it for so
long. That's not, that's not the
typical people usually are not on it that long.

(02:12:43):
But my hold up and my hang up was, is I wasn't truly doing the
inner work. Like I was using that as my
entire recovery. I was not, I was counting on
that to save me and to heal me. I wasn't doing that inner work
that were, you know, we all needto do.
It's there, you know, and, and Ireally had to, to start like

(02:13:03):
going into myself and, and figuring out the things about
myself that I needed to change inside so that my external world
would start to come together. And so, yeah, it's just, it's
just not, not to feel like rush though.
If if you want something to lasta lifetime, be patient with it.
You know, I think a lot of people are very rushed about it

(02:13:24):
because of the fears behind it. Trust me, instant gratitude is.
What we love as addicts and Alcoholics.
So yeah. You know, and it's like, I get
the scariness. I went through all that anxiety
for years and years of like, oh,what if I can't get my
prescription for some reason? I'm going to get sick.
And but it's still not the worst.

(02:13:45):
So those days were not even close to being as bad as my
worst days being an active addiction.
So, you know, and it's, it's really like.
You know, just. Finding that self love and that
self respect and that self worthlike finding your yourself and
in this, you know, and, and letting that medication work for

(02:14:08):
you like it's supposed to. It's supposed to be there to
help you. Stabilize you and.
Not have to worry about being out there and constantly being
on the chase and stuff so that you can start doing this other
work and just, you know, really trying to figure out what works
for you and doing that. And getting.
Out there like I think one of mybiggest things was like access

(02:14:30):
services to other like getting out there and helping other
people by helping other people help me.
Like I look at my, my position as a peer supporter, like there
is nothing that somebody else can't teach me.
So like, I don't know it all. You know, I've, I've been in

(02:14:51):
recovery for 16 years now and, and I, there's still so much to
learn. There's still so much about
myself to learn. And my peers are teaching me
those things everyday. Like they're giving me ideas and
give me advice on how to what they're doing and I'm drawing
off, I'm drawing inspiration offthem just as much as they are
me. But that's so fucking

(02:15:12):
empowering. So if you get out there as you
know someone in recovery and you're doing this this year,
like I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this work and I'm
going to take this medicine or whatever pathway you're picking
like being able to. Find people like a.
Community of people that you canrelate with and connect with and

(02:15:33):
being able to draw that inspiration and that empowerment
and, and you know, just like love off of one another.
Either there's just, there's nothing else like that And, and
you know, those spaces don't have to necessarily be specific
to a specific program, whether it is 12 steps or you find some
kind of peer support group or you find something that's not

(02:15:54):
even recovery related. You just find.
Something. That community is in your
interest and your hobbies and. But.
Helping other people and being open minded to the ideas and the
help they give you. That's.
That's probably been like the most life changing thing in my

(02:16:16):
recovery. Congratulations.
Yeah, man, Wild. Ride.
Yeah. Wild ride.
Yeah, you made it. I'm glad I got it out of the
way. While I was very young, so I did
have this opportunity, but I would say that, you know, it
took me a good eight to 10 yearsof being on the medication
before I finally fucking figuredit.

(02:16:37):
Out. Yeah.
So wow. Well done.
Thank you so much for. Coming out.
Thank you so much. Well, thanks for having me guys.
I just like fucking talk your fucking ear off, so I appreciate
you listening what we want. Yeah, yeah.
So. You know, yeah, it's, it's
definitely an honor to be here and I really appreciate it.
Thank you.

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My Brutal Truth Of Opiate Addiction And How Hard It Really Is To Get Clean | Ep 73

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}My Brutal Truth Of Opiate Addiction And How Hard It Really Is To Get Clean | Ep 73