May 5, 2025 • 10 mins
In this raw, unfiltered episode, Kim Bolourtchi exposes the invisible rule that’s been keeping high-achievers stuck:
The lie that wanting more makes you ungrateful.
Desire isn’t selfish — it’s sacred.
And silencing it in the name of “being content” is the surest way to shrink your power.
If you’ve ever felt a quiet whisper that this isn’t it — that there’s more for you — this is your permission to stop pushing it down… and start listening.
__________
What invisible rules are you breaking?
We'd love to know! Text us, or email Kim:
kim@kimbolourtchi.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:00):
Today, I want to talk about something that we don't
often say out loud, but I thinka lot of us feel this. We don't
always name it, but it's thisquiet tension between being
happy with what you have andstill wanting something more.
And sometimes that more isn'teven material. It's a sense of
purpose fulfillment, a desire tofeel more alive. It's just
(00:24):
something calling to you,speaking to you to live life in
a bigger way than you currentlyare.
And it often hits when thingsare going pretty well. You've
hit the milestones, you'vebuilt, the business you're
doing, the things you weresupposed to do, and often
they're the things other peopletold you you should be doing in
order to achieve the successthat you you've always wanted
(00:46):
and dreamed of. And then oneday, in the middle of what
should feel like success,something inside you whispers,
this isn't it. There's more.
And it's not like it shouts, itjust kind of gently and
insistently starts to nag.
The hardest part about it isthat the Whisper doesn't always
(01:07):
come with instructions. It justsort of shows up and it doesn't
go away. It doesn't always tellyou what the more is. It's just
this feeling, this sense thatthere's something more for you,
and the more you try to push itaway, the louder it becomes.
Now, on one hand, we can look atit as this is a really good,
exciting thing, right? There'sthere's more. But that's not
(01:30):
what happens with most people.
Most people will experience afeeling of guilt, and with that
guilt comes this thought of,shouldn't I just be grateful for
what I already have isn't what Ialready have enough? Like, who
am I to want more and what iswrong with me that I'm not
content? And they'll start tothink of all the things in their
(01:52):
life that are really, reallygood and feel really bad about
this feeling that maybe you knowthere is more for them. The
other thing that will happen isa feeling of, I don't, I don't
have the capacity for more, andso they'll push that down. For
that reason as well.
The tension between gratitudeand desire is one of the most
(02:16):
misunderstood dynamics inleadership, in growth and in
life. Because here is the thing,most of us were taught, an
invisible rule, not by anyonetrying to hold us back, but by
people who are trying to teachus how to be good, how to be
polite, how to be grateful, howto be content. The message was
subtle but steady, be easy toplease, be content and don't ask
(02:42):
for too much. And it getsreinforced over time by parents,
teachers, bosses, even wellmeaning friends and partners,
not because they want us to staysmall, but because they've been
taught the same rule themselves.
It becomes baked into how wenavigate the world. So when
desire shows up when somethinginside starts tugging at us,
pointing towards something morewe don't always know what to do
(03:05):
with it, and we startquestioning, is this selfish? Am
I being ungrateful? And thenatural inclination is to try to
push it down, reframe it orsilence it,
because the rule is already inus, not because someone screamed
it, but because it's beenquietly absorbed over time, and
(03:26):
it says wanting more meansyou're ungrateful.
We were told it was aboutgratitude, but what it really
taught us was to settle we learnit through 1000 tiny moments.
Ambition gets called selfish,growth gets treated like
discontent, desire gets wrappedin shame, and so we start
(03:47):
thinkingnot that we don't want more, but
that we're not allowed to havemore because we don't want to
seem like the kind of person whoalways wants more, and that that
keeps a lot of people stuck.
This showed up for me big timewhen I started to feel the pull
to do something different.
Honestly, I almost didn't evenstep into this work, this work
(04:10):
that I now do, that I loveliterally more than anything
I've ever done, not because Ididn't have the skills, not
because I wasn't ready, butbecause I was terrified of what
people would think, terrifiedthat they'd see me as
ungrateful. I had built asuccessful law firm. I was doing
important work with real impact.
(04:30):
I had everything that I thoughtI was supposed to want, but deep
down, I also knew I was calledto something else, something
bolder, something more creative,something just more me. And the
moment that I said it out loud,the fear rolled in really fast
from other people and also fromme. People would say things
(04:53):
like, you've got a really goodthing going. Why would you risk
it? You should be thankful for.
Everything that you have, peoplewould kill for the career that
you're building. Why would yougive it up? Why would you walk
away? And the thing is, I wasthankful, I was proud, but I was
also outgrowing it, and I almostignored that, because the
(05:16):
messages were so strong, and Idid not want to be ungrateful. I
almost made myself smaller justto make everyone else more
comfortable. When you have beentaught that desire makes you
disloyal, that ambition cancelsout gratitude, it becomes really
hard to trust your ownevolution. And I think this is
where so many of us get stuck.
(05:38):
And the truth is it'sparticularly hard, because this
isn't a new thing in adulthood,this conditioning starts really
young. I remember being at afamily dinner as a kid, and I
wanted seconds,and I remember the look that I
got when I asked for seconds,followed by a lecture about not
ever asking for more than I wasserved to not appear greedy.
(06:07):
I remember a time when I said Iwanted to write a book. I was
probably nine or 10, and I said,I'm going to write a book one
day. And somebody laughed andsaid, Oh my gosh, that's so
cute. But what would you evenwrite about it wasn't cruel, it
was just dismissive enough tomake me wonder if dreaming was
something I should keep tomyself, and I'll never forget
(06:28):
the moment I said out loud thatI wanted to be a dancer on
Broadway like that was mychildhood dream, and it didn't
even get a moment ofpossibility, just a flat yet
that's not ever gonna happen. Noconversation, no curiosity, just
a hard stop. And I get it. Theywere trying to protect me, keep
me safe from disappointment. Butwhat I learned was that dreaming
(06:49):
big made people uncomfortable.
You start picking up on themessage, don't ask for more.
Don't be too much. And if you'rethe kind of kid who doesn't
complain and doesn't ask foranything extra you are known as
such a good kid and so easy, westart to believe that not asking
for more, not wanting more,being low maintenance is the
same as being good. So overtime, we start shrinking our
(07:13):
wants, our voice ourselves, notbecause we don't want more, but
because we're afraid wantingmore will make us look
ungrateful, and here's what thatcosts. We don't ask for the
raise. We stay in roles we'veoutgrown. We stay in
relationships we've outgrown. Wedownplay our ambition to make it
easier for others to digest. Wedo not ever build the thing we
(07:36):
are uniquely positioned tobuild. We tell ourselves we're
being grounded, reasonable, notgreedy, grateful, but what we're
really doing is keepingourselves in check, not because
of gratitude, but because oflimits, limits that sound like
wisdom, but feel like stuck.
(07:58):
Gratitude is just the coverstory. The message underneath
was, don't want too much. Don'tgrow too fast, don't reach too
high.
Don't be too big. This idea thatwanting more makes you
ungrateful is a limit we've gotto challenge because the truth
is, gratitude has absolutelynothing to do with it. You can
(08:23):
be deeply grateful for all thatyou've built and still want to
build something new. You canabsolutely love your life and
still feel the pull towardssomething bigger. Wanting more
isn't a flaw that needs to befixed, it's a sign that your
vision is expanding and thatthat is what it means to lead
strategically unruly, to breakthe rules that no longer serve
(08:45):
you and build what comes next.
If you feel a call toward more,it's yours for a reason. You are
uniquely positioned to do thingsin a way that no other human on
the planet can do. And so ifyou're feeling there is
something more for you, whetherit's purpose, fulfillment,
impact, it's meant for you, andthe energy that it takes to
(09:07):
suppress it is far more than itwill take to lean into it and
give it life. So I ask you tothink about this. Where have you
been holding back? Not becauseyou aren't capable, but because
you're afraid wanting more makesyou ungrateful, or because
you've been told that you aren'tallowed to ask for too much or
to be too big. What if desireisn't the problem at all? What
(09:30):
if it's actually the compass,the whisper that says there's
more? It's not selfish at all.
It's sacred.
Thanks for listening today. Ifthis landed, send it to someone
else who needs it, and I'll seeyou next time.
Today, I want to talk about something that we don't
often say out loud, but I thinka lot of us feel this. We don't
always name it, but it's thisquiet tension between being
happy with what you have andstill wanting something more.
And sometimes that more isn'teven material. It's a sense of
purpose fulfillment, a desire tofeel more alive. It's just
(00:24):
something calling to you,speaking to you to live life in
a bigger way than you currentlyare.
And it often hits when thingsare going pretty well. You've
hit the milestones, you'vebuilt, the business you're
doing, the things you weresupposed to do, and often
they're the things other peopletold you you should be doing in
order to achieve the successthat you you've always wanted
(00:46):
and dreamed of. And then oneday, in the middle of what
should feel like success,something inside you whispers,
this isn't it. There's more.
And it's not like it shouts, itjust kind of gently and
insistently starts to nag.
The hardest part about it isthat the Whisper doesn't always
(01:07):
come with instructions. It justsort of shows up and it doesn't
go away. It doesn't always tellyou what the more is. It's just
this feeling, this sense thatthere's something more for you,
and the more you try to push itaway, the louder it becomes.
Now, on one hand, we can look atit as this is a really good,
exciting thing, right? There'sthere's more. But that's not
(01:30):
what happens with most people.
Most people will experience afeeling of guilt, and with that
guilt comes this thought of,shouldn't I just be grateful for
what I already have isn't what Ialready have enough? Like, who
am I to want more and what iswrong with me that I'm not
content? And they'll start tothink of all the things in their
(01:52):
life that are really, reallygood and feel really bad about
this feeling that maybe you knowthere is more for them. The
other thing that will happen isa feeling of, I don't, I don't
have the capacity for more, andso they'll push that down. For
that reason as well.
The tension between gratitudeand desire is one of the most
(02:16):
misunderstood dynamics inleadership, in growth and in
life. Because here is the thing,most of us were taught, an
invisible rule, not by anyonetrying to hold us back, but by
people who are trying to teachus how to be good, how to be
polite, how to be grateful, howto be content. The message was
subtle but steady, be easy toplease, be content and don't ask
(02:42):
for too much. And it getsreinforced over time by parents,
teachers, bosses, even wellmeaning friends and partners,
not because they want us to staysmall, but because they've been
taught the same rule themselves.
It becomes baked into how wenavigate the world. So when
desire shows up when somethinginside starts tugging at us,
pointing towards something morewe don't always know what to do
(03:05):
with it, and we startquestioning, is this selfish? Am
I being ungrateful? And thenatural inclination is to try to
push it down, reframe it orsilence it,
because the rule is already inus, not because someone screamed
it, but because it's beenquietly absorbed over time, and
(03:26):
it says wanting more meansyou're ungrateful.
We were told it was aboutgratitude, but what it really
taught us was to settle we learnit through 1000 tiny moments.
Ambition gets called selfish,growth gets treated like
discontent, desire gets wrappedin shame, and so we start
(03:47):
thinkingnot that we don't want more, but
that we're not allowed to havemore because we don't want to
seem like the kind of person whoalways wants more, and that that
keeps a lot of people stuck.
This showed up for me big timewhen I started to feel the pull
to do something different.
Honestly, I almost didn't evenstep into this work, this work
(04:10):
that I now do, that I loveliterally more than anything
I've ever done, not because Ididn't have the skills, not
because I wasn't ready, butbecause I was terrified of what
people would think, terrifiedthat they'd see me as
ungrateful. I had built asuccessful law firm. I was doing
important work with real impact.
(04:30):
I had everything that I thoughtI was supposed to want, but deep
down, I also knew I was calledto something else, something
bolder, something more creative,something just more me. And the
moment that I said it out loud,the fear rolled in really fast
from other people and also fromme. People would say things
(04:53):
like, you've got a really goodthing going. Why would you risk
it? You should be thankful for.
Everything that you have, peoplewould kill for the career that
you're building. Why would yougive it up? Why would you walk
away? And the thing is, I wasthankful, I was proud, but I was
also outgrowing it, and I almostignored that, because the
(05:16):
messages were so strong, and Idid not want to be ungrateful. I
almost made myself smaller justto make everyone else more
comfortable. When you have beentaught that desire makes you
disloyal, that ambition cancelsout gratitude, it becomes really
hard to trust your ownevolution. And I think this is
where so many of us get stuck.
(05:38):
And the truth is it'sparticularly hard, because this
isn't a new thing in adulthood,this conditioning starts really
young. I remember being at afamily dinner as a kid, and I
wanted seconds,and I remember the look that I
got when I asked for seconds,followed by a lecture about not
ever asking for more than I wasserved to not appear greedy.
(06:07):
I remember a time when I said Iwanted to write a book. I was
probably nine or 10, and I said,I'm going to write a book one
day. And somebody laughed andsaid, Oh my gosh, that's so
cute. But what would you evenwrite about it wasn't cruel, it
was just dismissive enough tomake me wonder if dreaming was
something I should keep tomyself, and I'll never forget
(06:28):
the moment I said out loud thatI wanted to be a dancer on
Broadway like that was mychildhood dream, and it didn't
even get a moment ofpossibility, just a flat yet
that's not ever gonna happen. Noconversation, no curiosity, just
a hard stop. And I get it. Theywere trying to protect me, keep
me safe from disappointment. Butwhat I learned was that dreaming
(06:49):
big made people uncomfortable.
You start picking up on themessage, don't ask for more.
Don't be too much. And if you'rethe kind of kid who doesn't
complain and doesn't ask foranything extra you are known as
such a good kid and so easy, westart to believe that not asking
for more, not wanting more,being low maintenance is the
same as being good. So overtime, we start shrinking our
(07:13):
wants, our voice ourselves, notbecause we don't want more, but
because we're afraid wantingmore will make us look
ungrateful, and here's what thatcosts. We don't ask for the
raise. We stay in roles we'veoutgrown. We stay in
relationships we've outgrown. Wedownplay our ambition to make it
easier for others to digest. Wedo not ever build the thing we
(07:36):
are uniquely positioned tobuild. We tell ourselves we're
being grounded, reasonable, notgreedy, grateful, but what we're
really doing is keepingourselves in check, not because
of gratitude, but because oflimits, limits that sound like
wisdom, but feel like stuck.
(07:58):
Gratitude is just the coverstory. The message underneath
was, don't want too much. Don'tgrow too fast, don't reach too
high.
Don't be too big. This idea thatwanting more makes you
ungrateful is a limit we've gotto challenge because the truth
is, gratitude has absolutelynothing to do with it. You can
(08:23):
be deeply grateful for all thatyou've built and still want to
build something new. You canabsolutely love your life and
still feel the pull towardssomething bigger. Wanting more
isn't a flaw that needs to befixed, it's a sign that your
vision is expanding and thatthat is what it means to lead
strategically unruly, to breakthe rules that no longer serve
(08:45):
you and build what comes next.
If you feel a call toward more,it's yours for a reason. You are
uniquely positioned to do thingsin a way that no other human on
the planet can do. And so ifyou're feeling there is
something more for you, whetherit's purpose, fulfillment,
impact, it's meant for you, andthe energy that it takes to
(09:07):
suppress it is far more than itwill take to lean into it and
give it life. So I ask you tothink about this. Where have you
been holding back? Not becauseyou aren't capable, but because
you're afraid wanting more makesyou ungrateful, or because
you've been told that you aren'tallowed to ask for too much or
to be too big. What if desireisn't the problem at all? What
(09:30):
if it's actually the compass,the whisper that says there's
more? It's not selfish at all.
It's sacred.
Thanks for listening today. Ifthis landed, send it to someone
else who needs it, and I'll seeyou next time.
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