May 5, 2025 • 48 mins
“You don’t have to love the pain. But you can love what it produces.”
This episode is deeply personal. Ally and I talk about Amor Fati—the Stoic mindset of loving your fate—and how it can shift the way you approach setbacks, suffering, and even grief.
We walk through everything from infertility to losing a parent to injury during marathon training. It’s not a highlight reel. It’s real life.
You’ll hear stories of failure, unfulfilled timelines, shattered expectations—and how choosing to accept, rather than resist, those moments can unlock something deeper: peace, growth, and the strength to keep showing up.
Whether you’re training for something hard, healing from a loss, or just feeling like life is piling it on, this one’s for you. You don’t need to love the pain—but you can love what it makes of you.
Key Takeaways
1. Amor Fati Is a Weapon: You don’t just accept what happens—you love it. You say: “This had to happen to me. And I’m better for it.” That mindset? It changes everything.
2. Our Timeline Is Not Reality: We make plans. We fantasize. Then reality punches us in the throat. The house delays, the job that didn’t come, the baby we can’t yet have—none of that went to plan. But resistance only makes the pain worse. Flexibility brings freedom.
3. Loss Isn’t the End—It’s a Sacred Starting Point: When Ally lost her dad, it broke her. But she rebuilt. That grief became a sacred box of motivation. It taught her to run, to fly, to live a life he’d be proud of. Loss can crush you, or it can crown you. Sometimes it does both.
4. The Body Keeps the Score—and So Does the Mind: Injury slows you down. But it teaches patience. Grace. How to love the long game. Even when it means PRs instead of podiums.
5. Life Delays You So You Can Learn: Didn’t get the promotion? Maybe that’s the lesson. Brett shares what he learned about grace, patience, and showing up without the external win.
6. You’re Either Inputting or Letting Go: Ally compares life to flying an Airbus: too much control sends you off course. Sometimes the best move is to let go and let life fly itself for a moment.
Try this today:
When something goes wrong—big or small—pause. Smile. Say “Amor Fati.”
Then ask: What’s my move now?
You're not here to crumble. You're here to build. So keep getting after it.
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I hope today’s episode sparked something within you to pursue your dreams and unlock your true potential. If you found value in it, consider sharing it with someone who might need that same push.
This podcast is built for you—the dreamers and the doers. My goal is to provide a space where you can find inspiration, learn from others, and feel empowered to chase what matters most to you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Brett (00:00):
All right, everyone, welcome back to the Getting
After it podcast.
I am Brett Rossell and I'mgoing to be walking you through
something today that has been acornerstone in my mindset for
all things Getting After it.
And it's a Latin phrase.
You may have heard it before,maybe not amor fati, which means
love of fate, love your fate.
And it's not just acceptingwhat happens, it's not just
(00:23):
enduring it, it's loving it,actively embracing everything
life throws your way the good,the painful, the unfair, the
unplanned as a necessary step onyour path.
So, with that said, let's getafter it.
Welcome back.
(00:44):
Thanks, I'm happy to be aregular guest.
You're a regular guest.
Now.
We have um.
Last time we had ourmicrophones in our hands, not
anymore.
Like I said, every up episode, Ifeel like there's an update to
the studio, so we're makingprogress small, but right it's
real so but meaningful yeah,well, this is kind of
(01:06):
interesting because you arecoming on not as a guest, but as
a co-host.
Yeah, student, co-host,whatever, I would say both okay
but um, I'm happy to have you onso thank you, I'm excited to
learn I feel like what we aretalking about today is something
you and I have been living.
Ally (01:27):
Is that the truth?
Brett (01:28):
It's been a difficult year for many reasons.
I mean, we've had things comeup with the house that we're
trying to build.
You're not in Provo yet.
You're still in Mesa.
Didn't get the job I was hopingI would get.
Ally (01:40):
Well, the promotion, the promotion.
Brett (01:42):
You're in a great position still, yeah good
position but didn't get where Iwas hoping I would Right.
So it feels like it's beensetback after setback after
setback.
Ally (01:52):
Right.
Brett (01:53):
It's been a little difficult.
Ally (01:54):
Right.
Brett (01:55):
But hopefully, with what we talk about today, we can see
that there are actually thingsthat we can learn from our
situation and the challengesthat come our way, because
that's one thing that humanscannot get away from is feeling
pain.
We all will feel pain somepoint of our lives.
It's not a matter of if it'swhen, and hopefully, with
(02:17):
amorphity and some of thesestoic principles we talk about,
it'll help you get that musclestrength for when it does come,
that it's not as challenging,and that kind of thing too.
So what is amorphity?
I'm gonna ask you, before Iexplain it, what do you think it
means?
To love your fate?
Ally (02:36):
I'm sure it's exactly what it sounds like.
Like.
Come what may and love it typeof lesson, the experience we're
given, find the good.
Brett (02:45):
That's kind of what I would imagine it would be yeah,
that's pretty close it's um,pretty much it comes from the
stoke philosophy of marcusaurelius.
He echoed it a lot in histeachings.
But it's radical acceptance andlike.
It's not saying things like, oh, I wish this didn't happen.
It's like, oh, this had tohappen and I'm better because of
(03:07):
it.
And so we've already talkedabout some of the things like
with our house, not to get toointo the details of it, but we
would have been weighing overour heads with, like, the budget
and that kind of thing too.
And we're already seeing like,yes, it sucked that we had to
make the choice to like hold off, but the benefits that have
(03:27):
come from it and the I guess theperspective that we have is,
like, doing it now would be alot harder if, like, we waited a
little bit and just waited forthings to calm down in the
market and that kind of thing.
So I mean, yeah, like, are webetter because of it?
I don't know yet, but I thinkaccepting that and instead of
(03:48):
being like man we had to wait onthe house for so long and
creating all these sob storiesthat we could just tell
ourselves and get ourselves inthat rut of, like man, life is
so unfair which it is, but youdon't have to reflect on that
all the time, you don't have tothink about that a lot, about
how unfair life is and, um, Ithink it's important to accept
(04:11):
that but not ruminate on it andbe like, yeah, this happened.
What's my next move going to be?
Like, how can I keep goingforward?
Um, seneca, he's a stoic.
He says this.
A good character, whenestablished, is not made by
favorable circumstances, but byenduring unfair, unfavorable
(04:31):
ones with dignity.
Real characters fordredadversity.
Have you seen that happen inyour life?
Ally (04:41):
character coming from adversity.
Yeah, that's what life's allabout.
Of course, that's like aday-to-day.
It feels like at this point Iwas thinking about what you're
saying about the house and kindof what's been going on this
year so far, and I think thereason sometimes it feels so
painful is because we have sucha fixed mindset of what we
expect to happen.
Brett (05:00):
We have a timeline we're thinking of and I mean, and
we're making up stories in ourhead like, oh, I can't wait to
take our kids to the park that'sright by our house, the kids we
don't have the house, we don'thave, yeah, so we're creating
these stories of things thataren't even in our possession.
Yeah.
Ally (05:14):
And we're expecting.
Okay, if we start buildingtoday, we're going to be done by
this point and I think wecreate this life which is good
to like.
Plan, of course yeah and find adaydream and be excited, but I
think there's a balance of beingso fixated like this is the
only way that it's gonna.
We're gonna be happy, yeah, andbeing able to kind of be more
(05:38):
flexible with as things come,like that's part of the fun part
, part of the plan.
Yeah, great, accept it as it isand I think that's what the
second quote you said, beingadversity comes, builds
character.
I think it's only going tobuild character if you're
accepting it for what it is andit's just life changes yeah
because if you're fightingagainst adversity, you don't
(06:00):
want your life to change.
You're fighting against thislike we can start building today
and then we're just going tofeel the pain of it later.
Because because we're not in aposition to do our plans right
now.
So I think, if we're fightingagainst adversity all the time,
it's life's gonna be so muchmore contentious, yeah, rather
than being able to accept andgrow with what life gives you I
(06:22):
agree with that.
Brett (06:23):
I think a lot of what this principle is trying to
teach others and teach us is youcan't control outside
circumstances.
You can only control how yourespond to them, and that
happens all the time.
People get sick, people die,things like you can't build your
house.
Come up, people get fired.
I mean, that's so minor comparedto everything else yeah, but I
(06:46):
mean, like you know, there arethings that we literally cannot
control.
Um, I actually I went throughand I I thought of like maybe
four different things thatpeople struggle with that you
know, maybe there's anopportunity to take a step back
and be like yes, this is mysituation, but what can I learn
from it?
What can I learn from it, whatcan I take from it and how can I
be better because of it?
(07:06):
First one you're going throughit right now.
Oh gosh, what do you think itis?
Ally (07:10):
I have no idea.
Brett (07:11):
Injuries.
Injuries, injuries and somekind of setback in that, but
it's frustrating.
Yeah, it's the worst,especially when you're like
working towards something,you're working towards a
marathon next month and yourknee is bothering you like crap
and it's just, it's frustratingand so it's not an easy thing to
(07:32):
go through, like you feel likeyou're losing momentum, that's
for sure, right yeah, it isreally discouraging because it's
hard to tell what's me being alittle baby and what's like this
is actually a physical injurythat I need to baby it, you know
(07:52):
yeah and, yeah, it's been sofrustrating.
It's frustrating but, like youknow, injuries and yours isn't
as severe as, like if someonebroke their acl or whatever.
Like name a name a differentinjury that recover, like
requires recovery time.
Um, a more fatigue would meanokay.
Like how can I learn a newskill?
What can I work on?
Like maybe it's it's time forme to up my mental game.
(08:14):
Like I need to read some books.
I have this time I used totrain and now I can use it to
help build my mind.
Ally (08:19):
I don't think for what we've been talking about
specifically with like money andyours.
Brett (08:25):
But focus on recovery.
Yeah, that's true.
Ally (08:29):
Because we've been focused so much on miles and time and
paces and distance.
I think we really need to lockin on recovery in order to help
a little bit with the injury.
Brett (08:39):
I have a guest coming on in a few, like a week and a half
, who will be able to talk to meabout that?
Ally (08:44):
Oh, thank heavens, I need it.
Brett (08:45):
So, Ashley, we're getting excited, True, but yeah, I mean
, I also think it strengthenspatience and just builds more
resilience in you, so like ifsomething else happens, like
you'll be like oh, I've gonethrough this before.
It just gives you experience,and experience is all for your
good.
So another one is in loss orfailure, Like for me, didn't get
(09:12):
the promotion and I think agood reframe for me would just
be to ask, and I took this frommy journal is what can this?
teach me that success wouldn'thave oh, that's interesting.
Have Like what, could notgetting the job?
And thinking about it that way,like maybe there's something I
(09:32):
learned in the process, like didI put enough time into it?
I don't know.
Did I?
Could I have done other things?
I don't know.
But I think it's important forme to sit back and reflect on it
and be like I didn't get thepromotion.
Let's figure out why and let'sfigure out what I need to do to
improve my skill set, so whentimes like that do come up, then
I have a better chance ofgetting them.
Ally (09:51):
Have you thought about that so far?
Brett (09:53):
Yeah, I think so.
Ally (09:55):
What do you think you've learned from it?
Brett (09:57):
then Definitely patience.
Patience is one thing.
The process took a long time,patience is one thing.
It's like the process took along time and I had to keep
showing up and keep providingbetter data, better ideas and
other things to the executiveteam who was making this
decision.
So I would say patience is oneand then, oddly enough, grace is
(10:20):
another Because, like I'vetalked to you so much about my
mental health, how it can justspiral real quick, um, but I
didn't want that to happen thistime and I was like there's
gotta be something I could dodifferently.
Um, and so I think, instead of,you know, beating myself up,
it's like yes, of course I willstill do that to some capacity.
(10:43):
Not beat myself up, but but belike okay, I could have done X,
y and Z better.
I think that's one thing thatfailure teaches you is where you
could be better.
Yeah, I don't think you have tolook at it negative.
I think you you should look atit as like you're a scientist
and you're trying to run someexperiments on yourself and
you're like, okay, well,obviously I didn't have skill X,
(11:04):
y and Z.
How can I develop that inmyself?
And, if something comes up inthe future be better, be a
better candidate for thatposition, or something like that
.
Um, so it hasn't been like anegative self reflection
exercise, I guess I would say,but it's been more of like okay,
there must have been areasoning behind why I didn't
(11:26):
get the position.
Let's break it down to the maincauses.
Ally (11:31):
And ultimately, the guy that got the job way qualified,
but yeah, I think obviously itmakes sense like you need to
take accountability and seewhere you can improve, like
that's always something to bedone.
But also in this kind of typeof situation, you got to keep in
mind that somebody else'sagency is a factor like it's not
sure.
I mean you guys could have beenequally qualified, yet someone
(11:56):
else is chosen.
Yeah, just because people havetheir decision making, like the,
the bosses over there areprobably just making their own
decisions whatever they see.
However, they want to see thefuture of that position, and I
think there's a lot of otherthings that go into it as well,
that are out of our control.
Brett (12:12):
But absolutely like what you said, with um reflecting to
see where you can adjust yeahand, who knows, like, maybe
accepting this and and fullyworking on myself just a little
bit more well, that's the lessonI need to learn that more
fatigue promises like, yeah,it's like you love your fate.
You like I said in thebeginning, like, um, this had to
(12:35):
happen to me and I'm betterbecause of it.
Like that kind of mindset, Ithink, is a lot stronger than
just being the victim and justplacing blame on everyone else
and being like all these peoplesuck, like they made the wrong
decision, like they they mayhave, who knows, but is that
going to get you anywhere?
No, like that mindset gets younowhere except you get madder
(12:56):
and madder, like the thingsaround you, and it's just not a
good place to be right so Ithink another place where a more
fatigue comes in helpful islike in relationships, either
friendships or, if you're in aromantic relationship, if it's a
family member, whatever, like.
I think it's hard to losefriends that way.
(13:18):
We've had our fair share andit's never fun because you're
always like man, like I, wantthe best for that person and
they're going down a path thatwe can't help them on and it's
not like you're.
You're shutting that door to be, you know, completely closed
and like closed off from thatfriend or that family member or
whatever.
But I think there is times whenyou're like you know what,
(13:39):
they're going down a differentpath.
I'm not going that way.
I'm going to close this doorand I'll still be friendly, but
I'm not going to be likespending a lot of time with that
person.
Ally (13:49):
Who are your friends?
Brett (13:51):
Who are my friends?
Ally (13:52):
I said you are your friends.
Brett (13:53):
Oh, I was like.
I know your friends.
Ally (13:55):
Name them off.
Brett (13:56):
You, I was like I know your friends, Name them off.
Ally (13:57):
Name all of them.
I was like you are your circleand so obviously you have to be
mindful of who you spend yourtime with.
Yeah, and that makes sense.
I think this is an interestingone.
For what's that phrase?
Again A more Fatigue, fatigue?
Yeah, I think relationships isan interesting one with, like
breakups and stuff like that.
Yeah, because I think that'slike a hard circumstance and I
(14:18):
think breakups are the perfectexample of like accepting it,
because it's gonna.
Literally breakups are like thebest trial ever, because either
you break up and you realizewhat you really want, or you
break up and you're one stepcloser to your spouse it's true,
and so it's like that's rightand so that's we're married.
That's like one of the moredifficult because you're so
(14:41):
attached to somebody.
But that's like one of theperfect examples of how, if you
accept your fate, if youunderstand it's for a reason,
that's only like that trialalways gets you on a better end
of things.
Brett (14:53):
Yeah, for sure.
It's like that same principleapplies in sales all the time.
Like um, I would always tell myteam that if someone tells you
no, you're one step closer to ayes.
Yeah, and it's like you knowthat person needed to tell you
no, but you're, you're gettingcloser and so that same thing
with, like breakups.
It's like, well, that personbroke up with me, I'm getting
(15:14):
closer to my spouse.
Or like you know what it couldbe a bad situation, like a toxic
relationship, and you're likeI'm out of there now, like
whatever it is, um, it's gonnabe painful, but rip the band-aid
off and there's good on theother side there's good on the
other side there always is andespecially like, if you have
perspective with that, like youhave to look for the good.
Yeah, you can't.
(15:34):
Just because with breakups too,that's a great example on how
people can just wallow in theirsorrows all day long, ruminate
on it nonstop, tell themselveslike maybe I wasn't good enough
for that person or whatever, andthey can just make up these
stories.
But instead it's like you knowwhat I'm just going to move on.
It takes a lot of strength andit's hard to do.
(15:56):
It's easier said than done, butit is powerful and, like you
said, you can learn a lot fromthe people that you date or
spend time with.
That helps you.
So let me ask you a questionwhy do you think we resist
accepting our fate If we knowthat, like this is the life that
we have?
And, to your point, likesometimes when we make up
(16:18):
stories in our head, wefantasize about our lives and we
have these situations pre-builtin our minds of like this is
how we expect it to go, and thenwhen that doesn't happen, we
get pretty beat up.
So why do you think it's hardto accept we?
Ally (16:40):
get pretty beat up.
So why do you think it's hardto accept?
I think we have such a littlescope of vision for our lives.
Yeah, we have an outline thatwe think is perfect, that we
think we want not knowinganything outside of that little
bubble, and when things changeor when things get difficult, I
(17:03):
think it's hard to look beyondwhat we envision for ourselves,
and I mean in our own lives.
Like we talked about, we've beengoing through a lot of random
stuff right now of just takingl's left and right, yeah, but
we're walking out of churchtoday and you're like we got an
L stamped on our head.
I know, I know it just reallyfeels like that these days for
(17:23):
some reason, but because we havesuch an idea of how we thought
our lives would be at this point, of how we wanted things to be
going by now, rather than havinglong-term goals.
We want a family eventually, wewant to have a house eventually
.
We want all these things, ofcourse, but we put so much
(17:43):
pressure on having certainthings within a time frame that
we imagined and because of thatit's so hard when things are not
working out in our favor.
But I think the reason that wedo that is, I think it's natural
, I think it's normal humanbehavior to want what we want
right now and it's hard toaccept anything else.
(18:05):
But it seems as though if wejust broaden our perspective,
that would help a lot.
Brett (18:11):
Yeah, I agree.
Ally (18:11):
With getting in that roadblock.
Brett (18:14):
Yeah, and I mean to your point yeah, I feel like we want
control we want comfort and wewant our life to fit the script
that we wrote for it.
Like, oh yeah, we want to likehave a house by this time and
all this stuff.
But like I think that that samemindset is a bad.
It can be a bad mindset, likewhen you're training for things,
(18:37):
um, because you'll put atimeline on it.
Can be a bad mindset like whenyou're training for things, um,
because you'll put a timeline onsomething and be like, okay,
I'm going to run, um, a three,30 marathon on this state, and
then you train super hard to doit.
And let's say, you get thereand you're three, 35,.
You get three, 35.
Yeah, five minutes slower thanyou expected.
And there's two options that youcan like do from that, and my
(18:57):
opinion is like one, you couldbe like, okay, I didn't get it,
I'm done.
Like you could quit.
Or the second option is likeman, I didn't expect that to be
as hard as it was.
Maybe I didn't take training asseriously as I should have,
maybe I didn't spend timefeeling as much as I should have
.
And it's like you either havethe choice to improve or to give
(19:17):
in.
And when you give in, that'slike you quit fighting and it's
hard, but we want control, wewant that predictability.
Ally (19:28):
I would even take that a step further with what we've
experienced with training rightnow.
I wanted Boston so bad.
They shortened the time to 325instead of 330.
What a nightmare.
Dirty Way off pace and Brent andI have been training for this
marathon and it's so hard.
Even before the race you gavethe example of you want 330, you
(19:52):
get 335.
Even before you get to the race, it's hard not to give in at
the training Whereas my pacesare so off.
I know I'm nowhere near 330right now.
I want to quit because I know Ishould even go to the race,
because I know I'm not going tohit that goal, and so I think
that's why, Well, I know I'm notgoing to 330 this time that
(20:12):
would be a miracle.
But all I'm saying is, I thinkthat role that you just talked
about of not giving in andcontinuing to adjust and push
and retrain and stuff I thinkthat happens before even the
race.
That happens during thetraining.
I know I'm off my paces.
I can either just give up andnot go run the marathon because
(20:33):
I know I'm not going to hit themarathon goal, or you can always
adjust, and so we've changed mygoal from getting a sub 330
this race to just PRing, whichis a lot more feasible.
You can just keep progressing,take the little accomplishments
and then eventually I'll getBoston qualified.
But yeah, I think that ruleapplies way before even the race
(20:55):
time.
It happens way before.
It's like your day-to-, it'slike your day-to-day life, your
day-to-day actions, and as youkeep going you may need to
adjust.
And just like we talk about ourcircumstances with the house or
like the l's we've been taking,yeah, sometimes we need to
adjust along the way.
It shouldn't be when you're atthe finish line that you're
deciding if you're going to giveup or not, right?
Brett (21:15):
Right, that's a good point.
Ally (21:16):
And so I think that's what helps me personally with not
getting so discouraged anddisappointed when things don't
go our way is because we canadjust what the end goal was
before we even get to the end.
Brett (21:30):
That's fair.
Yeah, that's a good point.
I like that.
The podcast is also somethinglike that too.
Like um, it's changed a lotover the almost three years I've
been doing this.
Ally (21:41):
How fun though.
Brett (21:42):
It's pretty cool, but it started at my table in my
Saratoga Springs apartment whereI was talking about the most
random things.
Those episodes are actuallyterrible.
Ally (21:52):
They're so good.
If you go back and listen tothem, they're so bad.
Everyone needs a beginning.
Brett (21:55):
Yeah, but this beginning was rough, it was not good.
So like it went from that tolike I was doing zoom interviews
with people we'll keep pause.
Ally (22:05):
Keep in mind this first interview, this first podcast
you made is what got me to reachout to you again.
After all these years, wefinally went on a date that's
true.
Brett (22:14):
So even though they were, your rough.
Ally (22:18):
It's kind of got the ball rolling for us 100.
Brett (22:21):
That's true.
It's like what amorphity sayslike this this had to happen to
me yeah, and I'm better for it.
The embarrassing podcast I hadto get the embarrassing ones out
there and I'm better for it now, because now you're my wife.
So, yeah, if anyone's out there, if you, if you need to get
married, start a podcast someonewill reach out to try and
(22:42):
encourage you but no, I meanlike really though, and then I
stopped having guests on.
I tried a few other things um,moved it into, like you know,
this area, and then we made twochairs and stuff and like it's
kind of stagnant.
So I'm like, okay, well, howcan I change this up?
Like maybe people want to hearfrom other people instead of
(23:02):
just me, and so now we haveseven guests lined up and this
will be the last one for a whilewhere hopefully it's just you
know, you and I talking, which Ilove having you on you're my
favorite guest no, you're myfavorite guest, but I mean, like
it's kind of cool, like to yourpoint, you always have to
readjust and there's nothingwrong with that.
(23:25):
The the thing that I would sayit becomes a problem is if you
quit, like that's when it's likeokay, well I, unless it's like
taking too much time and youreally see no future in it, then
I think it's okay to be quitand it takes a lot of strength
to make that decision.
But if you feel like there'ssomething that you can still
chase with whatever goals infront of you, readjust because
(23:49):
your dreams are worth way morethan just giving in to them.
And if it takes you a littlebit longer to get to that point,
then keep going and don'tdecide to just throw in the
towel because you had a couplerough bats or at bats like the
future's bright only if you makeit that way, and it it requires
continual improvement,continual adjusting and trying
(24:12):
to keep a positive mindsetthrough the whole thing.
And it's not like you're tryingto look at the world through
rose-colored glasses, it's justlike you know.
This is where I'm at right now.
I'm gonna make the most of it.
How can I have the most funwith it?
How can I learn the most fromthis experience?
Ally (24:26):
it's like you just have to ask yourself these questions
let me ask you this I don't knowif I'm jumping the gun, I don't
know if you have something, ifyou're not, if you're leading to
this or not, all right, butwe're talking about such
superficial things right now.
We're talking about our race.
It really doesn't matter.
Talking about the timeline ofour house, which we're still
going to build at some point.
It doesn't matter in the bigscheme of things.
(24:48):
What about those things thatare not just temporal?
For example, what about thetype of setbacks that are more
like a death in the family, orthings that are so heavy that
you just you're not justreadjusting, yeah right, what do
(25:09):
you think about circumstancesthat come up like that, that are
life-shattering and you have toaccept it as it is?
But?
But those are way differentthan what the examples we've
been talking about so far.
Brett (25:20):
That's fair.
Put me on the spot with thatbig one.
This is good.
So I mean, a death in thefamily is horrible.
Like loss is never easy.
I haven't had to experience itto the degree that you have.
But like, yeah, it's incrediblydifficult and I've seen
(25:41):
families go through that.
And I think of like it'sincredibly difficult and I've
seen families go through that.
And I think of like Jordan andhis family.
And he was 42 years old, he hadsix kids and now his wife is a
single mom.
I'm sure she's thinking like Idon't want to just accept my
fate, like I miss my person andI can't imagine that pain
(26:01):
because of how much I love you.
Like that has to be insane.
And so I think a lot of thetimes in those situations you
have to have hope for a betterfuture, and for me that comes
down to my faith, and so I havefaith that I will see all those
(26:22):
people who I've lost in thislife in the next.
And that keeps me grounded toat least have hope and
perspective that this life isn'tthe only one that we will live.
And so, as painful as thoseexperiences might be, they do
teach you things.
They do teach you things likeyou and I have talked about when
(26:48):
you lost your dad, like howmany lessons came from that and
how many people showed up, youknow, to his funeral and and
said so many great things about,like, what he would do for
other people, and like you stillfeel that pain and it's not an
easy thing to feel, but you havethe memories of that person and
(27:11):
like, no matter how dark theday is getting if I'm saying
things that are completely likefalse, jump in here Cause I
haven't dealt with it the waythat you have Um, but I think
you hold onto the memories andyou keep that personal life and
you know your, your dad may havepassed, but we keep his memory
(27:32):
alive through team tim andthrough talking about him and
through celebrating him and anddoing his favorite things.
Like we'd go out to that onerandom restaurant in mesa where
he'd get the breakfast pancakesI can't remember what it's
called but, um, I can just goand do things that he likes and
go to his gravestone andcelebrate him and like, yeah, it
(27:53):
might be a terrible thing foryou to have to deal with
personally that you lost thisperson, but what great honor
that you have to be able to keepthat person alive and to share
the lessons that he taught youwith others.
I don't know if that answersyour question, but I think it's
(28:13):
just trying to make the most ofevery situation, no matter how
hard they are, like even with us.
I'm going to get real personalhere in, like me being infertile
.
Like even with us.
I'm gonna get real personalhere.
And like me being infertile,like we're trying so many
different things and you and Iwant kids so badly, but it's
just, we're trying other thingsand it's it's hard.
(28:34):
Like how many times have I cometo you and be like I feel like
I'm not even a man, like I can'teven provide a kid to my wife
who signed up to marry me, andthat is a hard thing for me to
deal with.
And then, like the other thingtoo is like okay, well, if I
can't produce my own kids, thenwe have to turn to like a donor.
And that's hard for me too,cause it's like that person,
(28:59):
that little kid over there, hedoesn't have my dna and that's a
hard thing for me to grasp.
But again, I can also see theperspective.
It's like you know what?
We tried so hard having my ownkids and now we have a beautiful
little baby who might not be mydna, but at least we have them.
And, like I think it's justtrying to have perspective with
(29:20):
each situation we go through andand see what you can learn from
it I love it that was a lot.
Ally (29:30):
That was a long explanation no, I I love what
you said for many reasons and Ithink you're right that
everything is perspective,because you see different people
handle grief differently, andI'm not saying one is better
than the other, but I do.
I have noticed how somefamilies seem to have peace and
(29:53):
some families seemed to nevercome out of their room ever
again.
Brett (29:59):
Yeah, right, and what do you think the underlying factor
for the ones that keep movingforward is?
Ally (30:07):
Faith I think I mean, obviously and perspective.
I think those two go hand inhand For our family.
I think we do everything to tryand keep dad alive, yeah, and
obviously we can't adjust in theterm and like in the way of we
can't bring him back, not inthis life, right, and so we
(30:29):
can't live as if he is, you know, right next to me at all times.
However, we can live the lifethat he provided for us, where
he taught me so many lessons andI try to live those lessons
every day.
And I think, with him beinggone although it was like the
(30:50):
worst, still, the worst thingthat's happened to me, obviously
, and I was such a daddy's girland although it's like still
heartbreaking to think of and Iwas such a daddy's girl and
although it's stillheartbreaking to think of, I
also do feel such anappreciation, as time goes on,
for the type of dad I did have.
Many people have their dadalive still and he's not present
(31:10):
.
I had a very present, loving dadwho filled my emotional bank
account stacked like by billionsright that I can always pull
from, even now that he's goneand although we can't fix what
has been done, although we can'tbring him back, I think because
(31:31):
of these circumstances Iwouldn't be running for sure,
like if dad didn't encourage usto do hard things and like
flying.
Dad was super excited about meflying and he really wanted us
to get into aviation, and soit's been really emotional for
me, now that I'm an airlinepilot, being like he would soak
this up and I wish he could seeit, but but he encouraged me so
(31:53):
much from the other side and Iwant to live a life that would
make him proud and being able totake the lessons he taught me.
Live it in my everyday life.
We discuss it all the time.
We're going to teach our kidsthese lessons right and so keep
it.
Keep it holy, almost.
Although it was like the worsttime ever, I would also say it's
(32:15):
one of the most sacred timesever, where it really did
shatter my whole universe, and Ithink you have to hit rock
bottom in order to understandwhat you're capable of yeah and
in order to like, rebuild um ina way that would make god proud.
(32:35):
And so when we talk aboutaccepting our fate, accepting
these circumstances, I thinkacceptance there's a reason
that's part of the grievingprocess is because you need to
accept what's happened to youand you don't need to let it
crumble you, but accept it in away of how is this going to
boost me forward in life?
It's the worst thing ever.
(32:56):
How am I going to use it tokind of slingshot me forward
regardless?
And I think the way we've donethat is implement those lessons.
We've kind of taken on thetitle of doing hard things right
, and so I think what everythingyou said nailed it with being
(33:16):
able to crawl out of that darkspace and kind of always.
I think you can compartmentalize, like you can feel the sadness
and you can feel the darkness,but also recognize that that is
such a a sacred little box thatyou can hold on to like no one
knows how you grieve and no oneknows how you feel, but you can
(33:37):
hold on to it and recognize likethat's you and your dads or
that's you and your person, andyou can hold it so sacred and
realize this is going to be mylittle box of motivation.
Even all that darkness, eventhe horrible things that have
happened, that can be yourlittle box reminder of, like,
what you are able to do, likethere's so many good things in
the world.
Use that little box to mind youof where you don't want to go
(33:58):
like, use that motivation movingforward.
And I don't know if I'm makingsense, it's, I've never really
had to explain how I've taken ingrief and how I've used it to
not my benefit, but used it tomove forward yeah and so I'm not
sure if I'm making a whole lotof sense.
Brett (34:16):
but I think you totally are and sorry, did I cut you off
.
Ally (34:21):
No.
Brett (34:22):
Okay, like, yeah, we can't control what happens to us
, we can't control what happensto others, but we control how we
respond.
And so if you were to thinkabout like you know, you just
explain how your dad taught youall these great lessons, and you
know, when he passed, you hadtwo choices too.
You could either just give upand let life come to you, or you
(34:46):
could take the lessons that helearned, which was all about
doing difficult things andpushing yourself and being kind
to others and serving and beingfull of love.
You could take those lessonsand do something with them,
because, I mean, we all will gothe way of the earth, we'll get
eaten by bugs, decay, but noneof us are going to be here
(35:08):
forever, and so what better wayto be remembered by living a
life that that person would beproud of.
Ally (35:18):
I would add it's okay to crumble for a little bit, like
if someone in your life passes,you're not expected to bounce
back the next week, go to workand be cheerful.
It is okay to sit with yourfeelings and to feel discouraged
and, like you talked about ourinfertility like I think it's
okay to be sad about that.
It's okay to be sad that we'renot where we want to be, we're
(35:39):
not building the family yet thatwe want.
It's okay to be sad that Idon't have my dad here during
this time, and I think it's okayto feel all the emotions that
come with hardship.
But I think there's adifference with feeling it,
accepting it and then letting itgo on, versus taking on the I'm
(36:01):
never going to get out of thisvictim mentality.
Brett (36:04):
Yeah.
Ally (36:05):
Because that's where you get stuck and that's where you
sink, that's where life getsharder, because you just let
things pile on top.
And now everything that goeswrong, you notice it and you're
like oh, and this is happeningright, yeah, that's true.
You pile it on top of yourself,whereas all the emotions, feel
everything that comes with, likethe consequences of hardship
(36:26):
and setbacks, and then accept itfor what it is and then make
the adjustments okay.
So what are we going to do now?
Brett (36:33):
yeah, I love that.
I also think about like when Iwas sick, yeah, and then that
quote I mentioned at thebeginning, like this had to
happen to me and I'm better forit, like those are some of the
darkest times I went through.
Like I questioned if I wasgoing to live or die a lot and I
had to sit with that thoughtUsually like in the middle of
(37:03):
the night I'd be thinking aboutlike is it be soon?
like I literally have thosethoughts like am I going to die
soon?
Scary, and how.
Like I'm so blessed now to havea healthier body and to be able
to be strong and to be able torun.
And I think about that quote,like this had to happen to me
and I'm better because of it.
It's like I know what it's likenow to have a body that doesn't
work, that struggles to evenget out of bed.
(37:23):
And now it's like I'm going touse that as fuel to when I'm
struggling on a run or a workout.
To remember those feelings, tobe like at least you know I
might be tired today, I mighthave nothing in me, but at least
I'm here.
Like at least I'm here.
Like at least I'm at the gym.
And like there's times whereI've told you like you know I'm
(37:44):
at the gym but I'm just goingthrough the motions, like just
trying to get it done.
And it's like that comes from aplace of like gratitude for my
situation, because I'm no longerin that dark state where I
don't know if I'm going to liveor die.
Like I have treatments now andI'm so lucky to have that, but
(38:05):
it taught me to push myself andnot to take it for granted ever.
So it is interesting lookingback the lessons that you learn
through these hard things.
It's never easy going throughthem, though.
Ally (38:17):
This is kind of a weird metaphor throw it, let's go so
you know, we all know, I'mflying an airbus now, right she
flies an airbus.
You didn't know that so theairbus has a side stick.
No more eating the microphoneor you're not gonna have me as a
guest okay, I'm just kidding.
Brett (38:38):
I won't threaten you, I'm just kidding, I won't.
Ally (38:38):
I won't threaten you, I'm just kidding.
Got a huge mouth.
Um no, so we all know I fly anairbus.
Now, when you fly an airbus,you have the side stick instead
of a yoke yeah like most planes,it's over here on the side and
how big is it again?
It's small right that was agood size, I don't know like
probably the height of my phoneoh, okay or no it's kind of
(39:00):
flattens out the top, somethinglike this okay, anyway so it's
on the side and you're, it feelslike you're playing a video
game.
It's like a little joystick andyou're just like flying, like
that.
It's super weird.
Shout out to microsoft flightsimulator right and it's a
little bit different becausesometimes, like other aircraft
I've flown, you have a yoke andit's connected to your flight
(39:20):
controls by cables so when youpull on it it immediately pulls
like your elevator and yourdifferent flight controls go up
down, left, right, whatever.
With the airbus you have a sidestick and it, every time you
move it, it actually is likesends signals.
It's like computer sendssignals.
It's not cables and so it's alittle bit of a delay, and so a
(39:40):
common error when people arelearning the airbus is you're so
used to a direct input.
Now it's not direct input, sowhen you move the the side stick
, it takes a few second delayfor the plane to respond with
the flight controls actually acouple seconds really well, like
two seconds okaybut it's very it feels very
unnatural compared to otherplanes you fly and so when you
(40:03):
put in an input, it sends thesignal to tell the flight
controls what to do.
Common error is because it'snot responding immediately, like
we're used to.
You over correct and you'reconstantly moving the side stick
when in reality you probablybump it like not even a quarter
inch one direction and you goback to neutral and it will send
(40:25):
a signal and it will do that.
It's so unnatural and so everytime it's the same.
When you're learning, it's sonatural.
You're going all over the place.
You're trying to fly like anormal plane.
You're going left, right updown and it's just the whole
plane is out of whack and thecommon thing the instructor say
like just let go, like you haveto let go of the side stick
because you're giving it toomany inputs.
The plane wants to fly itselfand you're trying so hard to
(40:48):
hang on to the reins and tell itwhat to do, when in reality
it's smarter than you, it knowswhat to do.
Just let go of it and it willfly itself.
And I think about that withreal life where sometimes I
think like, oh, this is going on, this is.
I'm like so overwhelmed there'sso many variables, so much is
happening, when in reality, alot of times like, okay, let go
relax, things just need to playout how it's going to play out,
(41:10):
and then analyze what's going onand then go from there yeah and
I think now find the airbus.
That has taught me a lot aboutlife, with being able to kind of
accept things as they come, putin the input, wait, see the
reaction, accept it and thenadjust, and that has helped me
(41:30):
as a pilot first of all.
But it's been interesting tosee how that lesson has applied
to my real life.
Instead of getting overwhelmed,trying to accept everything,
trying to fix everything we havesuch a strong hold on, like how
we want our life to go, when inreality life is just going to
go how it goes, you canmanipulate it in certain ways,
like you can.
You have agency.
You can make decisions of whatyou want to do for work and
(41:50):
stuff like that.
Most things out of your control, the big things, the babies,
the home, the, the things likethat they're not not going to.
A lot of it is out of ourcontrol and if we're trying to
strangle it to be exactly how wewant it, it's going to be too
many inputs and it's just goingto go out of our control.
Brett (42:09):
Yeah, that's fair.
And then when something happensand something you're planning
for doesn't go that way.
Ally (42:16):
Devastating.
Brett (42:17):
Yeah, exactly, and it's just going to make you spiral
and then something else won'thappen, and then boom, another
take, and then you just pile itup and then you're like oh man,
I'm a piece of crap.
My life sucks yeah, and you'reforgetting all that you have.
Ally (42:29):
Right.
Then the mindset spirals and sowhen you let go for what's
happening, you can adjust thebig things like death stuff.
That's obviously per person onhow you respond, but I think
holding a sacred accepting itand being able to utilize it to
your strengths, yeah, and themost odd way that sounds, but I
(42:50):
think it makes sense but I thinkthat's what's helped me, I
guess, in my life.
And what is the phrase?
Again, I always forgot a morefatigue fatigue.
A more fatigue makes sense of away to have a more simple, happy
life yeah, and I I thinkanother piece that I probably
should talk about is gratitudeabsolutely like gratitude in all
(43:13):
situations helps.
Brett (43:17):
Like you recognize personally that you have way
more than you think.
And like you and I have beentalking about, like we've been
taking l's left and right.
This year has not been a greatyear, but we have each other,
we're healthy, we're happy, wehave so many great things in our
lives that we can easilyoverlook if we're just focused
(43:38):
on the negative and you have toseek out the positive.
And for me, an easy hack forthat is gratitude.
Like there's a lot that we canall be grateful for, that we can
thank God for every day, andthe more you do that, the more
you'll see those patterns inyour life of what you have to be
(43:59):
grateful for.
Like the fact that I can stillcall my mom and have a
conversation with her and all myfamily, like they're still
around for me to do that.
That's a great blessing.
The fact that I have you andwe've been together for three,
almost four Sundays in a row.
Like with doing distance, likeno, it is sad, it's a crappy
circumstance, circumstance butit's like no, we're very
(44:20):
grateful yeah, we have what wehave, and it could be, you know,
four weeks without seeing eachother, which some people have,
and I'm so glad that I don'thave that, and I feel bad for
people that do right like it'sthings like that too.
You know, it's like, yeah, oursituation's not the best.
You're in arizona a lot, I'm uphere, and if we had it our way,
we'd be together all the time.
(44:40):
But maybe there's somethingthat we need to learn about
being on our own and aboutrelying on one another through
distance and, I don't know,trust, yeah, just like.
Maybe there's lessons that weneed to learn during this
process, and I know we'll bebetter for it in the end,
because that's what amorphity isall about love your fate and
see where it takes you.
So you always have two choicesyou can learn from something or
(45:03):
you can just throw in the towel.
I think the latter is worse, sodon't do it.
But I have one last thing, andthen we can wrap up, because I
want to bring it home, and thisisn't just like philosophy, it's
a practice, it's a muscle youhave to strengthen and you build
(45:24):
it by one decision at a time.
You don't need to love pain,but you can love what it
produces.
You can love the strengthyou're building.
You can love the endurancebeing forged, you can love the
story you'll get to tell.
So today, when something goeswrong, big or small, pause and
smile and say the wordsamorphity.
Then respond like it's exactlywhat you needed, because you're
(45:47):
the kind of person who shows up,who doesn't crumble, who sees
challenges and runs toward it.
If you're listening to thispodcast, I would assume so
You've chosen the path of growth, of strength, of ownership.
Ownership, and that's whyamorphity isn't just a phrase.
It can be a weapon.
So sharpen it, use it andalways keep getting after it.
(46:08):
That was my little poem foramorphity I like it it's a good
lesson to live by.
I think so too.
Ally (46:17):
Key to happiness.
Brett (46:19):
Yeah, a lot of ways or understanding.
A lot of that stuff and life isunfair and life is messy.
It's unpredictable, but wealways have the power, like you
said with agency, to choose howwe respond to things, to choose
to make the most of it, and Iknow it's easier said than done.
(46:39):
People are going to probablysay, oh yeah, well, what about
my daughter who has cancer?
Like there are terriblesituations out there and you're
not going to love that fate, butmaybe it's.
You love the fact that it'sbrought your family together or
I don't know.
I'm not going to speak for thatsituation because it's a dark
one, but there's always thingsthat you can learn from and
(47:02):
benefit from and live a betterlife and become better because
of it.
Ally (47:06):
Even if it's years down the road.
Yeah, it could be like we don'tknow what the circumstances are
.
Brett (47:11):
Yeah, we don't know what the timeline of our home is, or
the timeline of when we're goingto have kids is, but or the
timeline of when we're going tohave kids is, but we just keep
taking one step forward.
We look to the future, we havehope and we take it day by day,
because if you're doing it, youknow, if you're just thinking in
the future, it's not going toget you anywhere and you think
(47:33):
of the past.
You'll live a life of regret.
So live now, make yourdecisions today to make a better
future Anything else to add.
Ally (47:41):
No, that's great.
It's a good reminder.
I needed to hear it.
Brett (47:44):
Well, we all do so.
I appreciate everyone forlistening.
Please like and rate the show.
If you learned something at all, I'd really appreciate it and
share this with someone thatmight be going through it and
might just need a littlereminder and reassurance that we
all go through hard things.
Sometimes we can all becomebetter because of them.
So until next episode, everyonekeep getting after it.
All right, everyone, welcome back to the Getting
After it podcast.
I am Brett Rossell and I'mgoing to be walking you through
something today that has been acornerstone in my mindset for
all things Getting After it.
And it's a Latin phrase.
You may have heard it before,maybe not amor fati, which means
love of fate, love your fate.
And it's not just acceptingwhat happens, it's not just
(00:23):
enduring it, it's loving it,actively embracing everything
life throws your way the good,the painful, the unfair, the
unplanned as a necessary step onyour path.
So, with that said, let's getafter it.
Welcome back.
(00:44):
Thanks, I'm happy to be aregular guest.
You're a regular guest.
Now.
We have um.
Last time we had ourmicrophones in our hands, not
anymore.
Like I said, every up episode, Ifeel like there's an update to
the studio, so we're makingprogress small, but right it's
real so but meaningful yeah,well, this is kind of
(01:06):
interesting because you arecoming on not as a guest, but as
a co-host.
Yeah, student, co-host,whatever, I would say both okay
but um, I'm happy to have you onso thank you, I'm excited to
learn I feel like what we aretalking about today is something
you and I have been living.
Ally (01:27):
Is that the truth?
Brett (01:28):
It's been a difficult year for many reasons.
I mean, we've had things comeup with the house that we're
trying to build.
You're not in Provo yet.
You're still in Mesa.
Didn't get the job I was hopingI would get.
Ally (01:40):
Well, the promotion, the promotion.
Brett (01:42):
You're in a great position still, yeah good
position but didn't get where Iwas hoping I would Right.
So it feels like it's beensetback after setback after
setback.
Ally (01:52):
Right.
Brett (01:53):
It's been a little difficult.
Ally (01:54):
Right.
Brett (01:55):
But hopefully, with what we talk about today, we can see
that there are actually thingsthat we can learn from our
situation and the challengesthat come our way, because
that's one thing that humanscannot get away from is feeling
pain.
We all will feel pain somepoint of our lives.
It's not a matter of if it'swhen, and hopefully, with
(02:17):
amorphity and some of thesestoic principles we talk about,
it'll help you get that musclestrength for when it does come,
that it's not as challenging,and that kind of thing too.
So what is amorphity?
I'm gonna ask you, before Iexplain it, what do you think it
means?
To love your fate?
Ally (02:36):
I'm sure it's exactly what it sounds like.
Like.
Come what may and love it typeof lesson, the experience we're
given, find the good.
Brett (02:45):
That's kind of what I would imagine it would be yeah,
that's pretty close it's um,pretty much it comes from the
stoke philosophy of marcusaurelius.
He echoed it a lot in histeachings.
But it's radical acceptance andlike.
It's not saying things like, oh, I wish this didn't happen.
It's like, oh, this had tohappen and I'm better because of
(03:07):
it.
And so we've already talkedabout some of the things like
with our house, not to get toointo the details of it, but we
would have been weighing overour heads with, like, the budget
and that kind of thing too.
And we're already seeing like,yes, it sucked that we had to
make the choice to like hold off, but the benefits that have
(03:27):
come from it and the I guess theperspective that we have is,
like, doing it now would be alot harder if, like, we waited a
little bit and just waited forthings to calm down in the
market and that kind of thing.
So I mean, yeah, like, are webetter because of it?
I don't know yet, but I thinkaccepting that and instead of
(03:48):
being like man we had to wait onthe house for so long and
creating all these sob storiesthat we could just tell
ourselves and get ourselves inthat rut of, like man, life is
so unfair which it is, but youdon't have to reflect on that
all the time, you don't have tothink about that a lot, about
how unfair life is and, um, Ithink it's important to accept
(04:11):
that but not ruminate on it andbe like, yeah, this happened.
What's my next move going to be?
Like, how can I keep goingforward?
Um, seneca, he's a stoic.
He says this.
A good character, whenestablished, is not made by
favorable circumstances, but byenduring unfair, unfavorable
(04:31):
ones with dignity.
Real characters fordredadversity.
Have you seen that happen inyour life?
Ally (04:41):
character coming from adversity.
Yeah, that's what life's allabout.
Of course, that's like aday-to-day.
It feels like at this point Iwas thinking about what you're
saying about the house and kindof what's been going on this
year so far, and I think thereason sometimes it feels so
painful is because we have sucha fixed mindset of what we
expect to happen.
Brett (05:00):
We have a timeline we're thinking of and I mean, and
we're making up stories in ourhead like, oh, I can't wait to
take our kids to the park that'sright by our house, the kids we
don't have the house, we don'thave, yeah, so we're creating
these stories of things thataren't even in our possession.
Yeah.
Ally (05:14):
And we're expecting.
Okay, if we start buildingtoday, we're going to be done by
this point and I think wecreate this life which is good
to like.
Plan, of course yeah and find adaydream and be excited, but I
think there's a balance of beingso fixated like this is the
only way that it's gonna.
We're gonna be happy, yeah, andbeing able to kind of be more
(05:38):
flexible with as things come,like that's part of the fun part
, part of the plan.
Yeah, great, accept it as it isand I think that's what the
second quote you said, beingadversity comes, builds
character.
I think it's only going tobuild character if you're
accepting it for what it is andit's just life changes yeah
because if you're fightingagainst adversity, you don't
(06:00):
want your life to change.
You're fighting against thislike we can start building today
and then we're just going tofeel the pain of it later.
Because because we're not in aposition to do our plans right
now.
So I think, if we're fightingagainst adversity all the time,
it's life's gonna be so muchmore contentious, yeah, rather
than being able to accept andgrow with what life gives you I
(06:22):
agree with that.
Brett (06:23):
I think a lot of what this principle is trying to
teach others and teach us is youcan't control outside
circumstances.
You can only control how yourespond to them, and that
happens all the time.
People get sick, people die,things like you can't build your
house.
Come up, people get fired.
I mean, that's so minor comparedto everything else yeah, but I
(06:46):
mean, like you know, there arethings that we literally cannot
control.
Um, I actually I went throughand I I thought of like maybe
four different things thatpeople struggle with that you
know, maybe there's anopportunity to take a step back
and be like yes, this is mysituation, but what can I learn
from it?
What can I learn from it, whatcan I take from it and how can I
be better because of it?
(07:06):
First one you're going throughit right now.
Oh gosh, what do you think itis?
Ally (07:10):
I have no idea.
Brett (07:11):
Injuries.
Injuries, injuries and somekind of setback in that, but
it's frustrating.
Yeah, it's the worst,especially when you're like
working towards something,you're working towards a
marathon next month and yourknee is bothering you like crap
and it's just, it's frustratingand so it's not an easy thing to
(07:32):
go through, like you feel likeyou're losing momentum, that's
for sure, right yeah, it isreally discouraging because it's
hard to tell what's me being alittle baby and what's like this
is actually a physical injurythat I need to baby it, you know
(07:52):
yeah and, yeah, it's been sofrustrating.
It's frustrating but, like youknow, injuries and yours isn't
as severe as, like if someonebroke their acl or whatever.
Like name a name a differentinjury that recover, like
requires recovery time.
Um, a more fatigue would meanokay.
Like how can I learn a newskill?
What can I work on?
Like maybe it's it's time forme to up my mental game.
(08:14):
Like I need to read some books.
I have this time I used totrain and now I can use it to
help build my mind.
Ally (08:19):
I don't think for what we've been talking about
specifically with like money andyours.
Brett (08:25):
But focus on recovery.
Yeah, that's true.
Ally (08:29):
Because we've been focused so much on miles and time and
paces and distance.
I think we really need to lockin on recovery in order to help
a little bit with the injury.
Brett (08:39):
I have a guest coming on in a few, like a week and a half
, who will be able to talk to meabout that?
Ally (08:44):
Oh, thank heavens, I need it.
Brett (08:45):
So, Ashley, we're getting excited, True, but yeah, I mean
, I also think it strengthenspatience and just builds more
resilience in you, so like ifsomething else happens, like
you'll be like oh, I've gonethrough this before.
It just gives you experience,and experience is all for your
good.
So another one is in loss orfailure, Like for me, didn't get
(09:12):
the promotion and I think agood reframe for me would just
be to ask, and I took this frommy journal is what can this?
teach me that success wouldn'thave oh, that's interesting.
Have Like what, could notgetting the job?
And thinking about it that way,like maybe there's something I
(09:32):
learned in the process, like didI put enough time into it?
I don't know.
Did I?
Could I have done other things?
I don't know.
But I think it's important forme to sit back and reflect on it
and be like I didn't get thepromotion.
Let's figure out why and let'sfigure out what I need to do to
improve my skill set, so whentimes like that do come up, then
I have a better chance ofgetting them.
Ally (09:51):
Have you thought about that so far?
Brett (09:53):
Yeah, I think so.
Ally (09:55):
What do you think you've learned from it?
Brett (09:57):
then Definitely patience.
Patience is one thing.
The process took a long time,patience is one thing.
It's like the process took along time and I had to keep
showing up and keep providingbetter data, better ideas and
other things to the executiveteam who was making this
decision.
So I would say patience is oneand then, oddly enough, grace is
(10:20):
another Because, like I'vetalked to you so much about my
mental health, how it can justspiral real quick, um, but I
didn't want that to happen thistime and I was like there's
gotta be something I could dodifferently.
Um, and so I think, instead of,you know, beating myself up,
it's like yes, of course I willstill do that to some capacity.
(10:43):
Not beat myself up, but but belike okay, I could have done X,
y and Z better.
I think that's one thing thatfailure teaches you is where you
could be better.
Yeah, I don't think you have tolook at it negative.
I think you you should look atit as like you're a scientist
and you're trying to run someexperiments on yourself and
you're like, okay, well,obviously I didn't have skill X,
(11:04):
y and Z.
How can I develop that inmyself?
And, if something comes up inthe future be better, be a
better candidate for thatposition, or something like that
.
Um, so it hasn't been like anegative self reflection
exercise, I guess I would say,but it's been more of like okay,
there must have been areasoning behind why I didn't
(11:26):
get the position.
Let's break it down to the maincauses.
Ally (11:31):
And ultimately, the guy that got the job way qualified,
but yeah, I think obviously itmakes sense like you need to
take accountability and seewhere you can improve, like
that's always something to bedone.
But also in this kind of typeof situation, you got to keep in
mind that somebody else'sagency is a factor like it's not
sure.
I mean you guys could have beenequally qualified, yet someone
(11:56):
else is chosen.
Yeah, just because people havetheir decision making, like the,
the bosses over there areprobably just making their own
decisions whatever they see.
However, they want to see thefuture of that position, and I
think there's a lot of otherthings that go into it as well,
that are out of our control.
Brett (12:12):
But absolutely like what you said, with um reflecting to
see where you can adjust yeahand, who knows, like, maybe
accepting this and and fullyworking on myself just a little
bit more well, that's the lessonI need to learn that more
fatigue promises like, yeah,it's like you love your fate.
You like I said in thebeginning, like, um, this had to
(12:35):
happen to me and I'm betterbecause of it.
Like that kind of mindset, Ithink, is a lot stronger than
just being the victim and justplacing blame on everyone else
and being like all these peoplesuck, like they made the wrong
decision, like they they mayhave, who knows, but is that
going to get you anywhere?
No, like that mindset gets younowhere except you get madder
(12:56):
and madder, like the thingsaround you, and it's just not a
good place to be right so Ithink another place where a more
fatigue comes in helpful islike in relationships, either
friendships or, if you're in aromantic relationship, if it's a
family member, whatever, like.
I think it's hard to losefriends that way.
(13:18):
We've had our fair share andit's never fun because you're
always like man, like I, wantthe best for that person and
they're going down a path thatwe can't help them on and it's
not like you're.
You're shutting that door to be, you know, completely closed
and like closed off from thatfriend or that family member or
whatever.
But I think there is times whenyou're like you know what,
(13:39):
they're going down a differentpath.
I'm not going that way.
I'm going to close this doorand I'll still be friendly, but
I'm not going to be likespending a lot of time with that
person.
Ally (13:49):
Who are your friends?
Brett (13:51):
Who are my friends?
Ally (13:52):
I said you are your friends.
Brett (13:53):
Oh, I was like.
I know your friends.
Ally (13:55):
Name them off.
Brett (13:56):
You, I was like I know your friends, Name them off.
Ally (13:57):
Name all of them.
I was like you are your circleand so obviously you have to be
mindful of who you spend yourtime with.
Yeah, and that makes sense.
I think this is an interestingone.
For what's that phrase?
Again A more Fatigue, fatigue?
Yeah, I think relationships isan interesting one with, like
breakups and stuff like that.
Yeah, because I think that'slike a hard circumstance and I
(14:18):
think breakups are the perfectexample of like accepting it,
because it's gonna.
Literally breakups are like thebest trial ever, because either
you break up and you realizewhat you really want, or you
break up and you're one stepcloser to your spouse it's true,
and so it's like that's rightand so that's we're married.
That's like one of the moredifficult because you're so
(14:41):
attached to somebody.
But that's like one of theperfect examples of how, if you
accept your fate, if youunderstand it's for a reason,
that's only like that trialalways gets you on a better end
of things.
Brett (14:53):
Yeah, for sure.
It's like that same principleapplies in sales all the time.
Like um, I would always tell myteam that if someone tells you
no, you're one step closer to ayes.
Yeah, and it's like you knowthat person needed to tell you
no, but you're, you're gettingcloser and so that same thing
with, like breakups.
It's like, well, that personbroke up with me, I'm getting
(15:14):
closer to my spouse.
Or like you know what it couldbe a bad situation, like a toxic
relationship, and you're likeI'm out of there now, like
whatever it is, um, it's gonnabe painful, but rip the band-aid
off and there's good on theother side there's good on the
other side there always is andespecially like, if you have
perspective with that, like youhave to look for the good.
Yeah, you can't.
(15:34):
Just because with breakups too,that's a great example on how
people can just wallow in theirsorrows all day long, ruminate
on it nonstop, tell themselveslike maybe I wasn't good enough
for that person or whatever, andthey can just make up these
stories.
But instead it's like you knowwhat I'm just going to move on.
It takes a lot of strength andit's hard to do.
(15:56):
It's easier said than done, butit is powerful and, like you
said, you can learn a lot fromthe people that you date or
spend time with.
That helps you.
So let me ask you a questionwhy do you think we resist
accepting our fate If we knowthat, like this is the life that
we have?
And, to your point, likesometimes when we make up
(16:18):
stories in our head, wefantasize about our lives and we
have these situations pre-builtin our minds of like this is
how we expect it to go, and thenwhen that doesn't happen, we
get pretty beat up.
So why do you think it's hardto accept we?
Ally (16:40):
get pretty beat up.
So why do you think it's hardto accept?
I think we have such a littlescope of vision for our lives.
Yeah, we have an outline thatwe think is perfect, that we
think we want not knowinganything outside of that little
bubble, and when things changeor when things get difficult, I
(17:03):
think it's hard to look beyondwhat we envision for ourselves,
and I mean in our own lives.
Like we talked about, we've beengoing through a lot of random
stuff right now of just takingl's left and right, yeah, but
we're walking out of churchtoday and you're like we got an
L stamped on our head.
I know, I know it just reallyfeels like that these days for
(17:23):
some reason, but because we havesuch an idea of how we thought
our lives would be at this point, of how we wanted things to be
going by now, rather than havinglong-term goals.
We want a family eventually, wewant to have a house eventually
.
We want all these things, ofcourse, but we put so much
(17:43):
pressure on having certainthings within a time frame that
we imagined and because of thatit's so hard when things are not
working out in our favor.
But I think the reason that wedo that is, I think it's natural
, I think it's normal humanbehavior to want what we want
right now and it's hard toaccept anything else.
(18:05):
But it seems as though if wejust broaden our perspective,
that would help a lot.
Brett (18:11):
Yeah, I agree.
Ally (18:11):
With getting in that roadblock.
Brett (18:14):
Yeah, and I mean to your point yeah, I feel like we want
control we want comfort and wewant our life to fit the script
that we wrote for it.
Like, oh yeah, we want to likehave a house by this time and
all this stuff.
But like I think that that samemindset is a bad.
It can be a bad mindset, likewhen you're training for things,
(18:37):
um, because you'll put atimeline on it.
Can be a bad mindset like whenyou're training for things, um,
because you'll put a timeline onsomething and be like, okay,
I'm going to run, um, a three,30 marathon on this state, and
then you train super hard to doit.
And let's say, you get thereand you're three, 35,.
You get three, 35.
Yeah, five minutes slower thanyou expected.
And there's two options that youcan like do from that, and my
(18:57):
opinion is like one, you couldbe like, okay, I didn't get it,
I'm done.
Like you could quit.
Or the second option is likeman, I didn't expect that to be
as hard as it was.
Maybe I didn't take training asseriously as I should have,
maybe I didn't spend timefeeling as much as I should have
.
And it's like you either havethe choice to improve or to give
(19:17):
in.
And when you give in, that'slike you quit fighting and it's
hard, but we want control, wewant that predictability.
Ally (19:28):
I would even take that a step further with what we've
experienced with training rightnow.
I wanted Boston so bad.
They shortened the time to 325instead of 330.
What a nightmare.
Dirty Way off pace and Brent andI have been training for this
marathon and it's so hard.
Even before the race you gavethe example of you want 330, you
(19:52):
get 335.
Even before you get to the race, it's hard not to give in at
the training Whereas my pacesare so off.
I know I'm nowhere near 330right now.
I want to quit because I know Ishould even go to the race,
because I know I'm not going tohit that goal, and so I think
that's why, Well, I know I'm notgoing to 330 this time that
(20:12):
would be a miracle.
But all I'm saying is, I thinkthat role that you just talked
about of not giving in andcontinuing to adjust and push
and retrain and stuff I thinkthat happens before even the
race.
That happens during thetraining.
I know I'm off my paces.
I can either just give up andnot go run the marathon because
(20:33):
I know I'm not going to hit themarathon goal, or you can always
adjust, and so we've changed mygoal from getting a sub 330
this race to just PRing, whichis a lot more feasible.
You can just keep progressing,take the little accomplishments
and then eventually I'll getBoston qualified.
But yeah, I think that ruleapplies way before even the race
(20:55):
time.
It happens way before.
It's like your day-to-, it'slike your day-to-day life, your
day-to-day actions, and as youkeep going you may need to
adjust.
And just like we talk about ourcircumstances with the house or
like the l's we've been taking,yeah, sometimes we need to
adjust along the way.
It shouldn't be when you're atthe finish line that you're
deciding if you're going to giveup or not, right?
Brett (21:15):
Right, that's a good point.
Ally (21:16):
And so I think that's what helps me personally with not
getting so discouraged anddisappointed when things don't
go our way is because we canadjust what the end goal was
before we even get to the end.
Brett (21:30):
That's fair.
Yeah, that's a good point.
I like that.
The podcast is also somethinglike that too.
Like um, it's changed a lotover the almost three years I've
been doing this.
Ally (21:41):
How fun though.
Brett (21:42):
It's pretty cool, but it started at my table in my
Saratoga Springs apartment whereI was talking about the most
random things.
Those episodes are actuallyterrible.
Ally (21:52):
They're so good.
If you go back and listen tothem, they're so bad.
Everyone needs a beginning.
Brett (21:55):
Yeah, but this beginning was rough, it was not good.
So like it went from that tolike I was doing zoom interviews
with people we'll keep pause.
Ally (22:05):
Keep in mind this first interview, this first podcast
you made is what got me to reachout to you again.
After all these years, wefinally went on a date that's
true.
Brett (22:14):
So even though they were, your rough.
Ally (22:18):
It's kind of got the ball rolling for us 100.
Brett (22:21):
That's true.
It's like what amorphity sayslike this this had to happen to
me yeah, and I'm better for it.
The embarrassing podcast I hadto get the embarrassing ones out
there and I'm better for it now, because now you're my wife.
So, yeah, if anyone's out there, if you, if you need to get
married, start a podcast someonewill reach out to try and
(22:42):
encourage you but no, I meanlike really though, and then I
stopped having guests on.
I tried a few other things um,moved it into, like you know,
this area, and then we made twochairs and stuff and like it's
kind of stagnant.
So I'm like, okay, well, howcan I change this up?
Like maybe people want to hearfrom other people instead of
(23:02):
just me, and so now we haveseven guests lined up and this
will be the last one for a whilewhere hopefully it's just you
know, you and I talking, which Ilove having you on you're my
favorite guest no, you're myfavorite guest, but I mean, like
it's kind of cool, like to yourpoint, you always have to
readjust and there's nothingwrong with that.
(23:25):
The the thing that I would sayit becomes a problem is if you
quit, like that's when it's likeokay, well I, unless it's like
taking too much time and youreally see no future in it, then
I think it's okay to be quitand it takes a lot of strength
to make that decision.
But if you feel like there'ssomething that you can still
chase with whatever goals infront of you, readjust because
(23:49):
your dreams are worth way morethan just giving in to them.
And if it takes you a littlebit longer to get to that point,
then keep going and don'tdecide to just throw in the
towel because you had a couplerough bats or at bats like the
future's bright only if you makeit that way, and it it requires
continual improvement,continual adjusting and trying
(24:12):
to keep a positive mindsetthrough the whole thing.
And it's not like you're tryingto look at the world through
rose-colored glasses, it's justlike you know.
This is where I'm at right now.
I'm gonna make the most of it.
How can I have the most funwith it?
How can I learn the most fromthis experience?
Ally (24:26):
it's like you just have to ask yourself these questions
let me ask you this I don't knowif I'm jumping the gun, I don't
know if you have something, ifyou're not, if you're leading to
this or not, all right, butwe're talking about such
superficial things right now.
We're talking about our race.
It really doesn't matter.
Talking about the timeline ofour house, which we're still
going to build at some point.
It doesn't matter in the bigscheme of things.
(24:48):
What about those things thatare not just temporal?
For example, what about thetype of setbacks that are more
like a death in the family, orthings that are so heavy that
you just you're not justreadjusting, yeah right, what do
(25:09):
you think about circumstancesthat come up like that, that are
life-shattering and you have toaccept it as it is?
But?
But those are way differentthan what the examples we've
been talking about so far.
Brett (25:20):
That's fair.
Put me on the spot with thatbig one.
This is good.
So I mean, a death in thefamily is horrible.
Like loss is never easy.
I haven't had to experience itto the degree that you have.
But like, yeah, it's incrediblydifficult and I've seen
(25:41):
families go through that.
And I think of like it'sincredibly difficult and I've
seen families go through that.
And I think of like Jordan andhis family.
And he was 42 years old, he hadsix kids and now his wife is a
single mom.
I'm sure she's thinking like Idon't want to just accept my
fate, like I miss my person andI can't imagine that pain
(26:01):
because of how much I love you.
Like that has to be insane.
And so I think a lot of thetimes in those situations you
have to have hope for a betterfuture, and for me that comes
down to my faith, and so I havefaith that I will see all those
(26:22):
people who I've lost in thislife in the next.
And that keeps me grounded toat least have hope and
perspective that this life isn'tthe only one that we will live.
And so, as painful as thoseexperiences might be, they do
teach you things.
They do teach you things likeyou and I have talked about when
(26:48):
you lost your dad, like howmany lessons came from that and
how many people showed up, youknow, to his funeral and and
said so many great things about,like, what he would do for
other people, and like you stillfeel that pain and it's not an
easy thing to feel, but you havethe memories of that person and
(27:11):
like, no matter how dark theday is getting if I'm saying
things that are completely likefalse, jump in here Cause I
haven't dealt with it the waythat you have Um, but I think
you hold onto the memories andyou keep that personal life and
you know your, your dad may havepassed, but we keep his memory
(27:32):
alive through team tim andthrough talking about him and
through celebrating him and anddoing his favorite things.
Like we'd go out to that onerandom restaurant in mesa where
he'd get the breakfast pancakesI can't remember what it's
called but, um, I can just goand do things that he likes and
go to his gravestone andcelebrate him and like, yeah, it
(27:53):
might be a terrible thing foryou to have to deal with
personally that you lost thisperson, but what great honor
that you have to be able to keepthat person alive and to share
the lessons that he taught youwith others.
I don't know if that answersyour question, but I think it's
(28:13):
just trying to make the most ofevery situation, no matter how
hard they are, like even with us.
I'm going to get real personalhere in, like me being infertile
.
Like even with us.
I'm gonna get real personalhere.
And like me being infertile,like we're trying so many
different things and you and Iwant kids so badly, but it's
just, we're trying other thingsand it's it's hard.
(28:34):
Like how many times have I cometo you and be like I feel like
I'm not even a man, like I can'teven provide a kid to my wife
who signed up to marry me, andthat is a hard thing for me to
deal with.
And then, like the other thingtoo is like okay, well, if I
can't produce my own kids, thenwe have to turn to like a donor.
And that's hard for me too,cause it's like that person,
(28:59):
that little kid over there, hedoesn't have my dna and that's a
hard thing for me to grasp.
But again, I can also see theperspective.
It's like you know what?
We tried so hard having my ownkids and now we have a beautiful
little baby who might not be mydna, but at least we have them.
And, like I think it's justtrying to have perspective with
(29:20):
each situation we go through andand see what you can learn from
it I love it that was a lot.
Ally (29:30):
That was a long explanation no, I I love what
you said for many reasons and Ithink you're right that
everything is perspective,because you see different people
handle grief differently, andI'm not saying one is better
than the other, but I do.
I have noticed how somefamilies seem to have peace and
(29:53):
some families seemed to nevercome out of their room ever
again.
Brett (29:59):
Yeah, right, and what do you think the underlying factor
for the ones that keep movingforward is?
Ally (30:07):
Faith I think I mean, obviously and perspective.
I think those two go hand inhand For our family.
I think we do everything to tryand keep dad alive, yeah, and
obviously we can't adjust in theterm and like in the way of we
can't bring him back, not inthis life, right, and so we
(30:29):
can't live as if he is, you know, right next to me at all times.
However, we can live the lifethat he provided for us, where
he taught me so many lessons andI try to live those lessons
every day.
And I think, with him beinggone although it was like the
(30:50):
worst, still, the worst thingthat's happened to me, obviously
, and I was such a daddy's girland although it's like still
heartbreaking to think of and Iwas such a daddy's girl and
although it's stillheartbreaking to think of, I
also do feel such anappreciation, as time goes on,
for the type of dad I did have.
Many people have their dadalive still and he's not present
(31:10):
.
I had a very present, loving dadwho filled my emotional bank
account stacked like by billionsright that I can always pull
from, even now that he's goneand although we can't fix what
has been done, although we can'tbring him back, I think because
(31:31):
of these circumstances Iwouldn't be running for sure,
like if dad didn't encourage usto do hard things and like
flying.
Dad was super excited about meflying and he really wanted us
to get into aviation, and soit's been really emotional for
me, now that I'm an airlinepilot, being like he would soak
this up and I wish he could seeit, but but he encouraged me so
(31:53):
much from the other side and Iwant to live a life that would
make him proud and being able totake the lessons he taught me.
Live it in my everyday life.
We discuss it all the time.
We're going to teach our kidsthese lessons right and so keep
it.
Keep it holy, almost.
Although it was like the worsttime ever, I would also say it's
(32:15):
one of the most sacred timesever, where it really did
shatter my whole universe, and Ithink you have to hit rock
bottom in order to understandwhat you're capable of yeah and
in order to like, rebuild um ina way that would make god proud.
(32:35):
And so when we talk aboutaccepting our fate, accepting
these circumstances, I thinkacceptance there's a reason
that's part of the grievingprocess is because you need to
accept what's happened to youand you don't need to let it
crumble you, but accept it in away of how is this going to
boost me forward in life?
It's the worst thing ever.
(32:56):
How am I going to use it tokind of slingshot me forward
regardless?
And I think the way we've donethat is implement those lessons.
We've kind of taken on thetitle of doing hard things right
, and so I think what everythingyou said nailed it with being
(33:16):
able to crawl out of that darkspace and kind of always.
I think you can compartmentalize, like you can feel the sadness
and you can feel the darkness,but also recognize that that is
such a a sacred little box thatyou can hold on to like no one
knows how you grieve and no oneknows how you feel, but you can
(33:37):
hold on to it and recognize likethat's you and your dads or
that's you and your person, andyou can hold it so sacred and
realize this is going to be mylittle box of motivation.
Even all that darkness, eventhe horrible things that have
happened, that can be yourlittle box reminder of, like,
what you are able to do, likethere's so many good things in
the world.
Use that little box to mind youof where you don't want to go
(33:58):
like, use that motivation movingforward.
And I don't know if I'm makingsense, it's, I've never really
had to explain how I've taken ingrief and how I've used it to
not my benefit, but used it tomove forward yeah and so I'm not
sure if I'm making a whole lotof sense.
Brett (34:16):
but I think you totally are and sorry, did I cut you off
.
Ally (34:21):
No.
Brett (34:22):
Okay, like, yeah, we can't control what happens to us
, we can't control what happensto others, but we control how we
respond.
And so if you were to thinkabout like you know, you just
explain how your dad taught youall these great lessons, and you
know, when he passed, you hadtwo choices too.
You could either just give upand let life come to you, or you
(34:46):
could take the lessons that helearned, which was all about
doing difficult things andpushing yourself and being kind
to others and serving and beingfull of love.
You could take those lessonsand do something with them,
because, I mean, we all will gothe way of the earth, we'll get
eaten by bugs, decay, but noneof us are going to be here
(35:08):
forever, and so what better wayto be remembered by living a
life that that person would beproud of.
Ally (35:18):
I would add it's okay to crumble for a little bit, like
if someone in your life passes,you're not expected to bounce
back the next week, go to workand be cheerful.
It is okay to sit with yourfeelings and to feel discouraged
and, like you talked about ourinfertility like I think it's
okay to be sad about that.
It's okay to be sad that we'renot where we want to be, we're
(35:39):
not building the family yet thatwe want.
It's okay to be sad that Idon't have my dad here during
this time, and I think it's okayto feel all the emotions that
come with hardship.
But I think there's adifference with feeling it,
accepting it and then letting itgo on, versus taking on the I'm
(36:01):
never going to get out of thisvictim mentality.
Brett (36:04):
Yeah.
Ally (36:05):
Because that's where you get stuck and that's where you
sink, that's where life getsharder, because you just let
things pile on top.
And now everything that goeswrong, you notice it and you're
like oh, and this is happeningright, yeah, that's true.
You pile it on top of yourself,whereas all the emotions, feel
everything that comes with, likethe consequences of hardship
(36:26):
and setbacks, and then accept itfor what it is and then make
the adjustments okay.
So what are we going to do now?
Brett (36:33):
yeah, I love that.
I also think about like when Iwas sick, yeah, and then that
quote I mentioned at thebeginning, like this had to
happen to me and I'm better forit, like those are some of the
darkest times I went through.
Like I questioned if I wasgoing to live or die a lot and I
had to sit with that thoughtUsually like in the middle of
(37:03):
the night I'd be thinking aboutlike is it be soon?
like I literally have thosethoughts like am I going to die
soon?
Scary, and how.
Like I'm so blessed now to havea healthier body and to be able
to be strong and to be able torun.
And I think about that quote,like this had to happen to me
and I'm better because of it.
It's like I know what it's likenow to have a body that doesn't
work, that struggles to evenget out of bed.
(37:23):
And now it's like I'm going touse that as fuel to when I'm
struggling on a run or a workout.
To remember those feelings, tobe like at least you know I
might be tired today, I mighthave nothing in me, but at least
I'm here.
Like at least I'm here.
Like at least I'm at the gym.
And like there's times whereI've told you like you know I'm
(37:44):
at the gym but I'm just goingthrough the motions, like just
trying to get it done.
And it's like that comes from aplace of like gratitude for my
situation, because I'm no longerin that dark state where I
don't know if I'm going to liveor die.
Like I have treatments now andI'm so lucky to have that, but
(38:05):
it taught me to push myself andnot to take it for granted ever.
So it is interesting lookingback the lessons that you learn
through these hard things.
It's never easy going throughthem, though.
Ally (38:17):
This is kind of a weird metaphor throw it, let's go so
you know, we all know, I'mflying an airbus now, right she
flies an airbus.
You didn't know that so theairbus has a side stick.
No more eating the microphoneor you're not gonna have me as a
guest okay, I'm just kidding.
Brett (38:38):
I won't threaten you, I'm just kidding, I won't.
Ally (38:38):
I won't threaten you, I'm just kidding.
Got a huge mouth.
Um no, so we all know I fly anairbus.
Now, when you fly an airbus,you have the side stick instead
of a yoke yeah like most planes,it's over here on the side and
how big is it again?
It's small right that was agood size, I don't know like
probably the height of my phoneoh, okay or no it's kind of
(39:00):
flattens out the top, somethinglike this okay, anyway so it's
on the side and you're, it feelslike you're playing a video
game.
It's like a little joystick andyou're just like flying, like
that.
It's super weird.
Shout out to microsoft flightsimulator right and it's a
little bit different becausesometimes, like other aircraft
I've flown, you have a yoke andit's connected to your flight
(39:20):
controls by cables so when youpull on it it immediately pulls
like your elevator and yourdifferent flight controls go up
down, left, right, whatever.
With the airbus you have a sidestick and it, every time you
move it, it actually is likesends signals.
It's like computer sendssignals.
It's not cables and so it's alittle bit of a delay, and so a
(39:40):
common error when people arelearning the airbus is you're so
used to a direct input.
Now it's not direct input, sowhen you move the the side stick
, it takes a few second delayfor the plane to respond with
the flight controls actually acouple seconds really well, like
two seconds okaybut it's very it feels very
unnatural compared to otherplanes you fly and so when you
(40:03):
put in an input, it sends thesignal to tell the flight
controls what to do.
Common error is because it'snot responding immediately, like
we're used to.
You over correct and you'reconstantly moving the side stick
when in reality you probablybump it like not even a quarter
inch one direction and you goback to neutral and it will send
(40:25):
a signal and it will do that.
It's so unnatural and so everytime it's the same.
When you're learning, it's sonatural.
You're going all over the place.
You're trying to fly like anormal plane.
You're going left, right updown and it's just the whole
plane is out of whack and thecommon thing the instructor say
like just let go, like you haveto let go of the side stick
because you're giving it toomany inputs.
The plane wants to fly itselfand you're trying so hard to
(40:48):
hang on to the reins and tell itwhat to do, when in reality
it's smarter than you, it knowswhat to do.
Just let go of it and it willfly itself.
And I think about that withreal life where sometimes I
think like, oh, this is going on, this is.
I'm like so overwhelmed there'sso many variables, so much is
happening, when in reality, alot of times like, okay, let go
relax, things just need to playout how it's going to play out,
(41:10):
and then analyze what's going onand then go from there yeah and
I think now find the airbus.
That has taught me a lot aboutlife, with being able to kind of
accept things as they come, putin the input, wait, see the
reaction, accept it and thenadjust, and that has helped me
(41:30):
as a pilot first of all.
But it's been interesting tosee how that lesson has applied
to my real life.
Instead of getting overwhelmed,trying to accept everything,
trying to fix everything we havesuch a strong hold on, like how
we want our life to go, when inreality life is just going to
go how it goes, you canmanipulate it in certain ways,
like you can.
You have agency.
You can make decisions of whatyou want to do for work and
(41:50):
stuff like that.
Most things out of your control, the big things, the babies,
the home, the, the things likethat they're not not going to.
A lot of it is out of ourcontrol and if we're trying to
strangle it to be exactly how wewant it, it's going to be too
many inputs and it's just goingto go out of our control.
Brett (42:09):
Yeah, that's fair.
And then when something happensand something you're planning
for doesn't go that way.
Ally (42:16):
Devastating.
Brett (42:17):
Yeah, exactly, and it's just going to make you spiral
and then something else won'thappen, and then boom, another
take, and then you just pile itup and then you're like oh man,
I'm a piece of crap.
My life sucks yeah, and you'reforgetting all that you have.
Ally (42:29):
Right.
Then the mindset spirals and sowhen you let go for what's
happening, you can adjust thebig things like death stuff.
That's obviously per person onhow you respond, but I think
holding a sacred accepting itand being able to utilize it to
your strengths, yeah, and themost odd way that sounds, but I
(42:50):
think it makes sense but I thinkthat's what's helped me, I
guess, in my life.
And what is the phrase?
Again, I always forgot a morefatigue fatigue.
A more fatigue makes sense of away to have a more simple, happy
life yeah, and I I thinkanother piece that I probably
should talk about is gratitudeabsolutely like gratitude in all
(43:13):
situations helps.
Brett (43:17):
Like you recognize personally that you have way
more than you think.
And like you and I have beentalking about, like we've been
taking l's left and right.
This year has not been a greatyear, but we have each other,
we're healthy, we're happy, wehave so many great things in our
lives that we can easilyoverlook if we're just focused
(43:38):
on the negative and you have toseek out the positive.
And for me, an easy hack forthat is gratitude.
Like there's a lot that we canall be grateful for, that we can
thank God for every day, andthe more you do that, the more
you'll see those patterns inyour life of what you have to be
(43:59):
grateful for.
Like the fact that I can stillcall my mom and have a
conversation with her and all myfamily, like they're still
around for me to do that.
That's a great blessing.
The fact that I have you andwe've been together for three,
almost four Sundays in a row.
Like with doing distance, likeno, it is sad, it's a crappy
circumstance, circumstance butit's like no, we're very
(44:20):
grateful yeah, we have what wehave, and it could be, you know,
four weeks without seeing eachother, which some people have,
and I'm so glad that I don'thave that, and I feel bad for
people that do right like it'sthings like that too.
You know, it's like, yeah, oursituation's not the best.
You're in arizona a lot, I'm uphere, and if we had it our way,
we'd be together all the time.
(44:40):
But maybe there's somethingthat we need to learn about
being on our own and aboutrelying on one another through
distance and, I don't know,trust, yeah, just like.
Maybe there's lessons that weneed to learn during this
process, and I know we'll bebetter for it in the end,
because that's what amorphity isall about love your fate and
see where it takes you.
So you always have two choicesyou can learn from something or
(45:03):
you can just throw in the towel.
I think the latter is worse, sodon't do it.
But I have one last thing, andthen we can wrap up, because I
want to bring it home, and thisisn't just like philosophy, it's
a practice, it's a muscle youhave to strengthen and you build
(45:24):
it by one decision at a time.
You don't need to love pain,but you can love what it
produces.
You can love the strengthyou're building.
You can love the endurancebeing forged, you can love the
story you'll get to tell.
So today, when something goeswrong, big or small, pause and
smile and say the wordsamorphity.
Then respond like it's exactlywhat you needed, because you're
(45:47):
the kind of person who shows up,who doesn't crumble, who sees
challenges and runs toward it.
If you're listening to thispodcast, I would assume so
You've chosen the path of growth, of strength, of ownership.
Ownership, and that's whyamorphity isn't just a phrase.
It can be a weapon.
So sharpen it, use it andalways keep getting after it.
(46:08):
That was my little poem foramorphity I like it it's a good
lesson to live by.
I think so too.
Ally (46:17):
Key to happiness.
Brett (46:19):
Yeah, a lot of ways or understanding.
A lot of that stuff and life isunfair and life is messy.
It's unpredictable, but wealways have the power, like you
said with agency, to choose howwe respond to things, to choose
to make the most of it, and Iknow it's easier said than done.
(46:39):
People are going to probablysay, oh yeah, well, what about
my daughter who has cancer?
Like there are terriblesituations out there and you're
not going to love that fate, butmaybe it's.
You love the fact that it'sbrought your family together or
I don't know.
I'm not going to speak for thatsituation because it's a dark
one, but there's always thingsthat you can learn from and
(47:02):
benefit from and live a betterlife and become better because
of it.
Ally (47:06):
Even if it's years down the road.
Yeah, it could be like we don'tknow what the circumstances are
.
Brett (47:11):
Yeah, we don't know what the timeline of our home is, or
the timeline of when we're goingto have kids is, but or the
timeline of when we're going tohave kids is, but we just keep
taking one step forward.
We look to the future, we havehope and we take it day by day,
because if you're doing it, youknow, if you're just thinking in
the future, it's not going toget you anywhere and you think
(47:33):
of the past.
You'll live a life of regret.
So live now, make yourdecisions today to make a better
future Anything else to add.
Ally (47:41):
No, that's great.
It's a good reminder.
I needed to hear it.
Brett (47:44):
Well, we all do so.
I appreciate everyone forlistening.
Please like and rate the show.
If you learned something at all, I'd really appreciate it and
share this with someone thatmight be going through it and
might just need a littlereminder and reassurance that we
all go through hard things.
Sometimes we can all becomebetter because of them.
So until next episode, everyonekeep getting after it.
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