July 21, 2025 • 44 mins
There’s a war happening inside each of us — and most of the time, no one else sees it.
In this solo episode, I open up about the unseen battles that shape who we become. From personal stories of depression, self-doubt, and infertility to practical tools rooted in Stoic philosophy and faith, this episode is a deeply honest reflection on what it means to keep going when no one’s watching, and no one’s cheering.
I explore how the hardest fights are often silent. There’s no crowd. No validation. Just you… and the voice that tells you to quit.
We’ll talk about:
- Why internal struggles are more dangerous than we think
- The toxic stories we tell ourselves, and how to rewrite them
- What the Stoics teach us about control, identity, and resilience
- How fitness, journaling, discipline, and faith help build unshakable character
- Why infertility shook my identity, and how my wife and I are walking through it
This episode isn’t about pretending everything’s okay. It’s about facing the truth, building real self-respect, and understanding that some of the most transformational growth happens in the dark — long before anyone else sees the light.
If you're in the middle of something hard, I hope this reminds you: you’re not broken. You’re becoming.
Listen now and keep getting after it — even when it’s quiet.
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Website: Keepgettingafterit.com
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Subscribe on YouTube: @gettingafteritpodcast
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I hope today’s episode sparked something within you to pursue your dreams and unlock your true potential. If you found value in it, consider sharing it with someone who might need that same push.
Getting After It is for those who. want to silence their self-doubt. Refuse to be owned by comfort. Understand their limits are man-made and breakable. We live in a time of constant comparison. Social media drowns us in highlight reels and overnight success stories. But what most people don’t see is the grit behind it all. The reps. The quiet mornings. The sacrifices. The failures.
You are just getting started.
Keep Getting After It.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Brett (00:00):
The hardest battles that we fight are not going to be
done in arenas.
They are going to be in our ownmind, and there's not going to
be a cheering crowd.
No one's going to do anInstagram post for you.
It's just you and the voice inyour head that's telling you to
quit.
Welcome back to the show.
This one's going to be a littlebit different, because I want
(00:24):
to take a second and recognizethat everyone has unseen battles
.
Everyone faces things that wedon't see.
They're not posting the battlesthat they're going through on
social media.
They're not posting theirdifficulties online or really
being open about them, when inreality, we probably should.
I've learned through my ownexperience that it helps much
(00:47):
more when you have a team ofpeople that are guiding you
through something rather thantrying to battle it on your own,
and we're going to talk aboutboth relying on support of other
people, but also what you cando to fortify your mind, to make
you face these battles a littlestronger and to be a little bit
aimed to prepare for them withwhatever they might seem like,
(01:14):
because really this isn't aflashy thing.
It doesn't come with applauseor praise like all these unseen
battles that you are goingthrough now.
It could look like a lot ofdifferent things.
It could be.
You wake up some days and theweight that you feel from
whatever you're going through isalready there.
Maybe it's doubt, maybe it'sstress about your own future,
(01:37):
about your family, maybe it'ssomething darker.
It could be grief, it could beshame, it could be fear.
It could be grief, it could beshame, it could be fear, but
you're forced to show up andsmile, go to work, post your
workouts, make your calls, dowhatever you have to do, but
inside it's a war, and I'mcalling this episode the war
(02:00):
that you fight alone, becausethat's what it feels like,
doesn't it Like?
Most of the times you gothrough these things feels like
you're all alone and nobodyknows, and the thing about these
internal battles is that theyare invisible, which makes them
much more dangerous.
Like you talk to anypsychologist, talk to any
therapist, and they will tellyou that you should never
(02:23):
isolate.
If you're going throughsomething difficult, do not
isolate.
I've done that before, and Ican confirm it's much harder to
deal with things if you'retrying to battle them alone.
And let's talk about what thiswar is, though.
What is it?
Because it's not always goingto be dramatic.
Sometimes it might be a fullbreakdown, but other times it
(02:44):
might not.
It you just.
It could be subtle, it could belingering, it could be quiet.
The war is showing up for thingsthat you don't want to do, like
when you're not motivated to doit.
If you're going throughsomething difficult, like
sometimes, the war is justmaking it through the day and
not spiraling out of control.
Other days it's choosing tohave one more uncomfortable
(03:07):
conversation with yourself topush you to do something more,
because you know that's the onlytrue way to grow is to continue
pushing out of your comfortzone, to bypass that and learn
that you're capable of doingmore.
But it's silent, it is a silentwar, and that silence it can be
(03:27):
sacred if you um, if you treatit right.
The silence is whereself-respect is built.
You know how I know this isbecause I've done it before.
I've been through my ownbattles.
I've I've fought depression andI've had moments where I didn't
want to keep going.
But you have to learn thatthat's not an option.
(03:53):
You have to fight through that.
You have to learn that you'recapable of doing more and that
it doesn't.
Whatever is plaguing your mindat the moment will end Like it
might not be in the near futureand I hate to be the bearer of
bad news there, but it will end.
It could be days, months, years, but there's a lot of power in
(04:21):
continuing.
There is a lot of self-respectgained when you don't want to do
anything.
You're facing all thesechallenges, you're going through
it, you're in the mud, but youshow up anyway and you keep
pushing forward, like when I wasgoing through my own depressive
episodes.
(04:42):
It was so hard to put on a maskand go to work every day and
pretend like nothing was wrong,when in reality I was melting on
the inside and I felt like apiece of crap.
It was a time where myself-talk was in the gutter.
I was very mean to myself and Iknew that at the time.
(05:03):
I knew that I was being verybrutal with with myself.
Um, because and I hate to saythis because it's going to make
me seem like a bad person, but Ipromise you I've changed.
I always thought of people whohad depressed or depression, as
you know, maybe maybe they'rejust weak, maybe they just can't
get through their days andmaybe they're focusing on the
(05:25):
wrong things.
But that's not.
That's not true at all.
Um, and I've learned that formyself is like if you're
battling real depression, youhave no motivation, you don't
want to do anything and yourmind cycles around these
thoughts that keep you in thatstate where you're kind of
(05:46):
bummed out and you're kind ofsad.
It's going to linger because ofthat, but you're not weak.
You're definitely not weak.
Why is it so hard to keep going?
Why is it so hard to fightthrough these thoughts to try
and become a stronger person?
(06:06):
Well, the thing is is, with,with these silent battles,
there's no break.
There's no coach coming in andcalling a timeout, there's no
friend stepping in and sayinglike, hey, why don't we regroup
here?
Let's, let's take it, let'stake a minute.
It's just you, just you withyour own thoughts.
It's your own habits and evenyour own demons.
Those are.
(06:27):
You know people like to talkabout your demons, but really
that's all it is is it's onlyyou.
And when that pressure builds up, it's going to feel heavy and
I'm sure you felt it too Likeit's that pit in your stomach
that you can't explain.
It's the weight in your chestthat shows up out of nowhere and
catches you off guard.
(06:48):
It's your mind is blurry andyour focus is all over the place
.
You have a foggy brain andspiraling thoughts that make
things simple seem to feelimpossible.
Now, um, it could be triggeredby a lot of stuff.
It could be a traumatic eventin your life.
It could just be that you knowit just comes.
(07:11):
I don't know how to explaindepression.
I'm not a psychologist or atherapist here, but sometimes
life just does that to you.
Life can just throw you in thegutters.
And when that happens becauseit will happen to every single
person you have to have a gameplan.
You have to know that this is atemporary thing and, whatever
(07:35):
happens, you'll make it through.
And if you do it right, if youtry to make the most of your
situation given yourcircumstances, you will become a
better person in the end.
That's not some self-help BS,that's real life.
If you're able to push throughthese challenges that come up
into your life, whatever theyare the silent ones, if you're
(07:58):
able to keep going, thatself-respect builds up, you will
be more confident that whenthings do go to hell, you can be
the person that others can relyon and that you can rely on
yourself.
It's tough and silence whenyou're there and you have those
(08:20):
thoughts.
It's not a sign of weakness.
This is the arena that's eithergoing to make or break you,
this silent idea or not.
Silent idea, silent momentswhere you just have time to
think about, really probably theproblem that you're going
through.
It's difficult, but there's aquote I love and I don't know
(08:44):
who said it first, but it'sstayed with me for quite a long
time Character is who you arewhen no one's watching, and I
felt that in the rawest way.
It's not during a race, it's notin front of an audience, but
it's in the middle of the night,when I'm staring at the ceiling
Wondering if I'm doing enoughor if I am enough.
And it's in those moments thatyou learn something, because
(09:08):
when you strip away the applause, when you strip away people
chanting you on and cheering youon, you're left with the truth,
and the truth can hurtsometimes, like those moments
when I was staring at theceiling at nighttime and I
couldn't sleep and I wasdepressed.
I would always ask myself, likewhere's this coming from?
Like, why do I feel this way?
My life, from the outsideperspective, is great.
I have an amazing wife, who'ssuper hot, might I add on.
(09:33):
I have a great job, a familythat loves me, I'm healthy.
Where is this coming from?
I have no excuse to feel thisway and at the time, I think I
probably associated it with thechange I was going through.
I think I probably associatedit with the change I was going
through, but I never came upwith a solid answer on why this
(09:56):
is happening to me, and I thinkthat's the truth I had to face
is that there was no realexplanation on why I was feeling
this way.
Maybe it was a chemicalimbalance, I don't know.
But the truth is also where youcan start to heal.
It's the beginning of yourgrowth and it's where you take
over.
Like in those moments, I said,hey, well, I feel like crap and
(10:21):
I can't figure out why.
And I love this quote from AlexHormozy.
He says if you can be in a badmood for no reason, you can be
in a good mood for no reason.
And so I remember hearing thatand being like yeah, that's
probably true.
Um, and then one night, my wifesaid a few things to me and
help really clarify why I wasfeeling some of these things.
(10:42):
And, uh, made all thedifference.
She had perspective from theoutside that I didn't, and it
was truthful, stung, but Ineeded to hear something like
that.
And once I confronted thattruth, I was able to make some
changes and change some of myhabits, my behaviors, and become
(11:06):
a happy person.
It took work, but action is theantidote to a lot of these
things.
To get very personal right now,my wife and I we're going
through a silent battle rightnow and it's caused by me.
This is going to be reallypersonal here, but whatever
(11:31):
Cat's out of the bag, I'minfertile.
Zero sperm that's 200,000people a year get that.
So I'm pretty rare, if you knowwhat I'm talking about.
Anyways, zero sperm, and that'snot a great thing to have.
I'm listening to a podcast rightnow with Chris Williamson and
(11:52):
some doctor, and the doctor wasbasically he's a male fertility
doctor and he's talking.
He's like, yeah, you know, ifmen have sperm counts that are
around 5 million to 20 million,uh sperm within a milliliter,
they're gonna have issues havingkids.
And I'm over here like, well,damn, I have zero, don't even
(12:12):
have one in there, just nothing,just uh, probably.
If you're looking okay, I'mgonna make a joke about this
because I can if you look insidemy testicles or something, you
know, it's probably like thewild west, and all of a sudden
you see like a, it's like atumbleweed go across and dust
blowing.
Know, it's like that's theinside of my balls.
(12:34):
So yeah, I am infertile and it'sone of the hardest things that
Allie and I have had to gothrough.
You know I'm making jokes andthings like that, but I want to
keep it light.
I think if you take yoursituation that you're in and you
focus on all the negative, allthe bad, all the uncertainty,
it's going to make it so muchworse.
But if you can find a couple ofreasons to maybe make yourself
(12:56):
laugh, like I got tumbleweeds inmy nuts, that's kind of funny,
um, but it's hard, like, andit's it's hard for me.
I'll explain my perspectivefirst and then kind of walk into
how Allie and I are workingtogether on this.
But for me I feel like it's astab at my masculinity.
(13:18):
I'm like I'm not a man.
Really, I can't even make sperm.
Like, okay, great, that'sawesome.
Um, my testosterone's low, likethat, great, I'm not a man.
And that comes up a lot in myhead is like oh, wow, okay.
So Allie married you and sheexpected that she was going to
(13:41):
be able to be a mom and, uh, youcan't even deliver that, you
can't even show up and give hera kid.
You have no sperm and and it'spretty tough.
It's a hard thing for me todeal with and it weighs on me a
lot because I know how bad mywife and I we want to have kids.
(14:06):
That's like every time we goover to my nieces and nephews
and we see them.
It just hurts a little more.
Right now, we're going throughinfertility treatments and not
really seeing great signs frommy own body with hormone
(14:26):
replacement therapy like HCG,and we've tried a few other
medicines before and didn'treally see great results from it
.
Um, we are now going to go seelike a, a infertility specialist
who specializes in maleinfertility, and it.
It's scary because with someonelike me who has something
(14:49):
called azoospermia, which meansyou have zero sperm, there's a
couple of procedures that theycan do, one of them called the
microtests, where they go in,they cut open the scrotum, they
look in there, they pull out achunkier ball and then from that
they can hopefully find somesperm cells in there.
(15:10):
But it's about 50, 50 chance,50, 50 chance, and so in my mind
I'm like, okay, great, so wehave to go through this
procedure, we have to pay abunch of money because
infertility is expensive andthere's still a 50-50 chance
(15:31):
that I might not even haveanything in there.
There's a lot of uncertaintywith that, there's a lot of fear
and it's easy.
It's so easy to just play thevictim card and give up, be like
, okay, well, all right, we'renot going to have kids, al.
(15:52):
But what's the benefit of that?
What good does that do for you?
Nothing.
If you're just going to thinkabout the worst case scenario in
every situation I think it'simportant to plan for that Like,
you should obviously have anidea of what you're going to do
if it does become the worst casescenario, but don't ruminate on
it.
What's that going to do?
If it does become the worstcase scenario, but don't
(16:13):
ruminate on it what's that goingto do for you?
If you're thinking about, like,oh man, am I going to like in
my situation, am I ever going tobe able to have kids?
Like what if they're not mykids and I have to adopt?
Or we have to use a donor?
Or uh, what if we do thisprocedure and we don't find
anything?
And then we have to go downanother uh avenue to see if we
can get pregnant.
And who knows, maybe something'swrong with Allie and we just
have no idea which could make itworse.
(16:36):
Like there's just so muchthat's kind of going against us
that if you let your mind focuson everything that's wrong, your
brain is great at findingevidence of that and it will say
, okay, well, yes, you are azoospermia, you have no sperm.
It's not looking promisingthere.
But also your boss saidsomething at work to you that
(16:59):
made you question if your job issafe.
And also your wife is not happythat you didn't do the laundry
like she asked you to.
And now you're questioning ifshe even likes you and loves you
.
And you've gained some pounds,so is your fitness going down?
Like all I'm saying is that ifyou focus on the problems all
(17:20):
the time and focus on thenegative, that's all you will
see.
I love the prophet of the churchI belong to.
His name is President Russell MNelson and he's the prophet of
the Church of Jesus Christ ofLatter-day Saints, just in case
anyone didn't know that.
But he has this quote where hesays the joy of your life does
(17:43):
not depend on your circumstances, it depends on your focus, it
depends on what you focus on.
Something along those lines.
I butchered it a little bit bit, but there's a lot of truth
behind that.
If you focus on all thenegative, your brain will find
it, but if you want to focus onwhat you have and you want to
focus on gratitude, that changesa lot and that's what has
(18:11):
honestly gotten Allie and Ithrough a lot of this trial,
that we're going through thischallenge of having kids.
It's gratitude Because, yes, itabsolutely sucks that we can't
get pregnant, but you know whatwe have.
We have healthy bodies, we havea roof over our head, we have
(18:34):
each other and she's my bestfriend.
And if it comes to the point towhere we can't have kids and
I'm just left with al, my lifeis damn good.
That girl, she's everything tome and, uh, I couldn't get
(18:58):
through all these things withouther.
She's just helped me so much.
And that's what I mean is likeI love her unconditionally.
I love her so much and if thisis cheesy, I don't care, I'm
just saying what I feel.
She's the best thing that'sever happened to me.
And if we don't have kidstogether, you know what?
(19:21):
At least I got her.
I don't need kids.
If I got Al I'd like them but Idon't need them.
She's the best thing that'sever happened to me.
If I didn't have Al then mylife would be 100% different.
It'd be scary, because Ali hashelped me through all my
depressive episodes.
She's helped me throughchallenges I've gone through
(19:44):
myself.
She's helped me see myself in adifferent view.
She's helped me with gettingafter it.
She's the person who I laughthe most with and that makes me
a very rich man.
Gratitude helps a lot.
I went on a little tangentthere about my wife, but I'd be
(20:06):
I'd be ashamed of myself if Ididn't say how much I loved her
and how much she means to me andhow much she helps me.
We make a damn good team andanyways, I love you all.
But getting back into thesethings, I want to take a couple
of little pieces from the Stoicson how their perspective shifts
(20:28):
and what they think about canhelp you in your own personal
battles, because I'm in thethick of it.
You might be in the thick of itEither way.
You've probably felt the weightbefore and you've seen the fog
and questions can come up.
Like I said when I was staringat the ceiling of what do I
(20:49):
actually do about it?
And this is where the Stokesare going to come in Stoics, not
Stokes.
Sometimes I talk fast and getthe words all jumbled.
So I'm working on how I speakand Allie made a point to me the
other day that I say 100% a lot.
So if I say 100% on the podcastafter I just said it, I need
(21:11):
you to comment and tell me I'msaying it, because I'm trying to
get that out of my vocabulary.
But anyways, the Stoics andthere's a reason I keep coming
back to them all the time it'sbecause they don't just give out
fluff.
It's not like some motivationalInstagram crap.
They give out real things andthey don't tell you to oh, just
manifest the good vibes.
(21:32):
That's all you need to do.
Like you're going through somehard stuff.
Just manifest it, think it andit'll come to pass.
It's not how it works.
The Stoics.
They say, okay, here's a sword,here's a shield.
Now go face your demons, gobattle them, face them head on.
Epictetus said we suffer notfrom the events in our lives,
(21:52):
but from our judgment about them.
I'm going to read that again wesuffer not from the events in
our lives, but from our judgmentabout them.
Excuse me, the problem isn'talways what's happening.
The problem is the story you'retelling yourself about what's
happening.
Like if you lose your job, doesthat mean you're a failure?
No.
If your partner pulls away,does that mean you're a failure?
No.
If your partner pulls away,does that mean you're unlovable?
(22:14):
No, you mess up on a run orworkout or completely skip and
fall off track.
Does that mean you're weak?
No, not.
Unless you choose to believethat story.
If you sit there and you say,oh man, I missed a workout.
And then you start tellingyourself all these things yeah,
I suck, yeah I'm bad.
Control that inner voice, theinner battle is won once you
(22:37):
realize that you have thecontrol to determine what your
outlook is and what you want tofocus on.
The Stoics draw a line.
They make it very clear andthere's two categories in life.
One is what you can control andtwo is what you cannot.
Simple, right?
That's an easy thing to live by.
If you can't control anything,if you can't control the things
(23:01):
that are happening to you, don'tget mad about them.
Just say, okay, how can I makethe most of it?
But you can control yourresponses to those things, and
that's what's important is.
Let's take that example oflosing your job.
There's two different peopleBobby, he's going to lose his
job.
And Bobby goes home and he'slike I lost my job and he's sad.
(23:26):
And then he goes to the kitchen, he goes into the freezer,
pulls out the Ben and Jerry'sfish food Um, and he's freezer
pulls out the ben and jerry'sfish food um, and he just sits
on the couch and he's spoonfeeding himself.
I lost it, my job.
And his wife comes home.
He's like what are you doing?
And he's like I lost my job.
And she's like it's okay, we'llfigure it out.
And he's like, no, we won't, wewon't.
(23:47):
And then eventually, uh, did Icall him bobby?
Bobby wakes up the next day andhe's like oh, I don't have a job
to go to.
And then he sits on the couchagain and eats three ben and
jerry's fish foods and that'sall he's focusing on is his job.
And his wife, two weeks later,is like you're a loser, like you
could have.
(24:07):
You had two weeks to get yourlife in order, but you just sat
on the couch and eat ben andjerry's.
At this time, bobby's around360 pounds.
He's gained a lot of weight andhe's just on the couch like now
you're leaving me, oh, andbobby's sad.
And and then tommy actuallywe'll call him timmy, timmy, he,
(24:29):
he loses his job and he goeshome and he's like I lost my job
.
And then his wife comes homeand she's like what's wrong,
honey?
And he's like I lost my job.
And she goes okay, let's dothis, let's figure out what we
need to do next.
I'm sorry, you lost your job, Ilove you.
And Timmy's like you know what.
Okay, let's be proactive aboutit.
(24:49):
And so Timmy gets on linkedinand he's looking around, he's
trying to find jobs and, uh, hefinds one and he's like I'm
gonna apply for this.
And then he does that again afew hours later and he applied
for three jobs the same day.
He got fired next day.
He's like, oh well, it sucks, Ican't go to work, but I have a
lot of time, so maybe I'll justkeep researching jobs.
(25:11):
And Timmy does this for about aweek and a half.
And then, you know, he's hadinterviews during that time.
Very different situations.
Bobby decided to give in,realized he was a failure and
became one because he believedhe was.
And then Timmy was sad,realized that he could be
(25:33):
proactive, realized that thiswasn't the end of the road and
he kept going.
But that's the difference isthat you, on one hand, you can
believe it and on the other handyou can say I'm going to choose
what I do.
You can't control what lifethrows at you, but you control
how you respond to it.
So take that lesson from theStoics, respond to it.
(25:59):
So take that lesson from theStoics.
There's a lot of ways to getthrough the pain, but one thing
I've learned is that you cannotthink through the pain.
The only way that you can getthrough it is by acting, and I
gave just a few examples here.
But you can choose to go for arun when your mind says let's
skip it.
You can write the journal entryeven when you feel numb.
You can text a friend and askthem to hang out or go get
dinner or lunch instead ofisolating and this one, I think,
(26:24):
is the hardest.
But to sit with discomfort,feel those feelings, instead of
medicating it with noise, withsocial media, anything, sit with
the discomfort.
Some days that choice feelsmicroscopic, but when you stack
that up over time, that becomesyour armor.
(26:46):
Think about Timmy.
He did three job applicationshis first day when he got fired.
Then the next day, who knows,maybe he got 10.
And then the next day, maybeanother 10.
And by the end of the week hehad 35.
It just adds up over time.
And Marcus Aurelius, anotherStoic.
He wrote the impediment.
Let me start over here.
(27:06):
The impediment wow, I'm justgoing to say this.
This is me, I can just going tosay this.
This is me.
I can't say this wordImpediment, impediment.
Okay, there we go.
I said it.
The impediment to actionadvances action.
What stands in the way becomesthe way.
There's a great book out there.
If you're going throughsomething difficult, I highly
(27:27):
recommend it.
It's by Ryan Holiday and it'scalled the Obstacle is the Way.
It talks a lot about what we'vediscussed today about how,
sitting with the silence,getting through these silent
battles, the war within yourmind, beating it and having
victory.
That is what teaches you whoyou are.
(27:48):
It is who you become, andthat's exactly what Marcus
Aurelius is saying.
Here is the impediment toaction advances action.
What stands in the way becomesthe way, those obstacles you're
facing.
It's going to change Like.
It's going to help you.
It'll help you, help someoneelse, and that's hopefully the
(28:08):
reason why I'm talking aboutinfertility today and all these
things that I'm going through.
That are silent battles, but Ipray that with whatever
experience I've gone through, Ican help someone else out,
because it is a shitty thing tohave to go through.
It sucks and my brotherunderstands it well, him and his
(28:32):
wife.
They had some infertilityissues early on in their
marriage, but he gets it when Italk to him and I tell him what
I'm feeling and how I feelhopeless and life is dark, and
he understands all thosefeelings Because he went through
it himself and he overcame thathorrible challenge.
(28:53):
And I'm hoping I can do thesame and that's something that I
would say is a good pivot tomake in your brain is it sucks
that I'm going through this, butmaybe there's something I can
learn to help someone who mightface it one day.
Maybe it will be your own kid,maybe it's a really close friend
(29:14):
, but whatever, whoever it is,maybe they can rely on you
Because you were strong, becauseyou fought the battles every
day, even when you wanted tocave, you wanted to quit, but
you showed up anyway and youtold the world who you were by
showing up.
And when you were alone, youfaced those battles with
confidence and courage.
They didn't stop you.
(29:36):
It might have scared you, butit didn't stop you.
Let me give you some tools forthis fight.
So we've defined the war, we'veexplored the weight of it and
we've looked at kind of what theStoics say about it.
But let's be real, likephilosophy alone is not going to
save you, it takes action.
That's what we've talked about.
You need something deeper andI've come up with three that
(30:00):
have helped me.
Every single time, anytime I gothrough a silent battle, these
three things are what havegotten me through.
The first is being physicalfitness.
Okay, there it is.
Yes, physical fitness, itencourages movement.
Like when you can't fix yourmind, move the body.
There are so many days when Icouldn't think clearly and I
(30:25):
couldn't get things done that Iwanted to.
But I could still run, I couldstill go lift weights or go for
a long walk and somehow, throughdoing that strain, through
beating my body, the sweat, thesilence, the clarity would come,
because movement, it gives youremotions somewhere to go.
(30:46):
When you're angry and you golift some weights, by the time
you're done it's like a littletowel wringing you out.
You know what I'm saying Get alittle wet towel and wring it
out.
That's you All.
That anger is gone.
It clears the fog.
Wow, it clears the fog.
I did not say the F word.
It clears the fog.
Your mind might resist it, butyour body knows that, hey, this
(31:09):
is the way forward.
We can do this, even if it'sjust 10 minutes.
Get out of your head, get intoyour body.
That's the first thing.
The second, real close to it andphysical fitness requires this
discipline.
All right, two things that Ialways talk about fitness and
discipline.
It's not sexy, but for me it'sthe anchor.
I have certain non-negotiablesthat I always do, no matter what
(31:31):
, like.
I have certain non-negotiablesthat I always, um, I always do
no matter what, and it's alwaysI work out, I journal or reflect
some way.
Um, and spend time with people.
I love those.
Those three things I have to doevery single day.
Um, and Allie and I are doingdistance, so spending time with
people I love sometimes lookslike FaceTime, whatever, but it
(31:53):
requires discipline to do allthose three things.
Like.
It has to be physical fitnessyou need discipline.
Working on getting after it,working on this podcast, working
on the community you needdiscipline.
Spending time with loved onesyou got to make the call, you
got to spend time with them.
You got to be there.
You got to be present andjournaling and reflecting.
You actually have to do thework.
You have to think about howyour day went, where you could
improve what went wrong, how youcan make it better next time.
(32:17):
Even when you don't want towrite, you got to show up Like
it's not about being productiveFor me, it's more about
stability in my life.
If I know I'm doing those things, then whatever is weighing on
me I can typically deal with,because my life is stable, the
things that I want to do, thenon-negotiables in my life are
completed.
It might help the same for you.
(32:37):
Like, when the emotional stormhits you, you don't rise to the
level of your motivation, youfall to the level of your
systems, and systems are builton discipline.
That's why Jocko says it and Ialways quote it discipline
equals freedom, because it istrue, but I would add on to that
discipline equals clarity,because when everything feels
(33:01):
shaky, the things you always dobecome your foundation.
And if you want to build astrong foundation, you need to
do it on things like beingphysically fit, eating healthy,
reaching out to loved ones,doing things you enjoy, working,
building, building something,but find out what your
foundation is and build upon it.
(33:23):
Now, this one the last one, Iwould argue is the most
important for me and potentiallyfor you, but it's faith in God.
When you believe in God, or ifyou believe in the universe, it
allows you to think aboutsomething that's bigger than
yourself.
Because that internal war, italways feels isolated, like
(33:47):
nobody understands you, likeyou're the only one who's ever
felt this way, but you're not.
Every person you admire, everystrong, grounded, resilient
human being, they've beenthrough it in some way or
another.
They've all had their moment onthe floor or their moment in
the dark, the moment whereQuitting whispered, hey, no one
(34:07):
would know, nobody would know.
But that person said, no, I'mnot listening to you.
And it's not because they'resuperhuman, I think it's just
because they are human.
And for me, I think about a lotof faith and philosophy to some
degree, but mainly faith,because Christ is my foundation.
(34:30):
Like I wrote down earlier, youfeel isolated, like no one
understands, like you're theonly one who's felt this way,
but you're not.
And I know that Christ has feltevery single pain, and that's
(34:53):
physical pain, that's the painof sin, that's the pain of grief
.
That's anything.
That's the pain you're feelingright now, going through
whatever battle that you are,christ understands it completely
.
He suffered so he could succoryou and help you through
whatever challenges and trialsthat you're going through.
I know that because I've hadthat happen to me when I was
(35:15):
sick and I was 135 pounds and Iwould sleep a lot of the times
and I would lay in my bed in adark room.
I always remember I would talkto God and usually my
conversations would go somethinglike why is this happening to
me?
Like I don't want to do thisanymore.
Like why is this happening tome?
Like I don't want to do thisanymore?
(35:35):
I want to get through.
And I always would have thisthought anytime that I'm
building you into somethinggreater, and I had to trust that
.
I had to believe that there wassomething behind that thought.
And during that time, duringany time I go through something
(35:56):
difficult, I think of my anchorin Christ, because he knows that
I'm feeling it.
I'm going through hell andChrist has overcome hell,
luckily, and he wants us toreach out to him.
God wants you to reach out tohim through his son.
(36:19):
Call upon the name of Christ,talk to God and recognize that,
whatever you're going through,you can have support through
faith in Christ, through hopefor a better future and knowing
that God wouldn't do this to you, wouldn't put you through
(36:41):
something like this if youweren't going to learn, if you
weren't going to improve.
That's a teetering little thinghere, because it's like the
situation with Bobby and Timmy.
Because Bobby could have losthis job, blamed God, realized
that everything in his life wasbad because of God and Timmy.
(37:02):
He could have said, okay, hey,god, I'm scared.
Okay, hey, god, I'm scared, Idon't have a job.
Can you help me find him?
Can you help me look for him?
And he wasn't just waiting forthem to happen.
He was taking action and he wasapplying to jobs, he was doing
interviews and eventually he gothired again.
(37:22):
And when that happened he waslike God, I knew you were
looking out for me.
And it's hard to explainspiritual experiences through a
podcast, but I'm telling you, inmy darkest moments I never gave
up faith in Christ, I nevergave up faith on my Savior,
(37:44):
because that is the single moststable thing in my life and it
always has been is my faith inJesus Christ, and when I have
him on my side.
I always ask myself what can Inot do?
Because I have someone whoovercame everything, who
(38:04):
overcame the world, who overcamedeath and is rooting for me and
is, in fact, helping me up.
And when I'm limping across, hecomes up, puts my arm around
his shoulder and wobbles me.
You know he's there supportingme along the way.
I know that is true and I'mhappy to talk about that with
(38:25):
anyone if you want to ask mequestions.
But having faith in somethinggreater than yourself will get
you through some of your darkesttimes, and for me, that faith
is rooted in Christ, and I knowhe looks out for me.
He looks out for you too.
You just have to ask him.
That's really it.
He wants you to.
(38:46):
He's your big brother.
Christ wants you to reach outto him.
Now, when this all finishes,when you get through your trials
, when you are proactive, youtake action, you do all these
things we've talked about.
Let's talk about the beauty ofwinning in silence, because
here's the twist in all thiswhen you win the war that you
(39:09):
fight alone, no one will notice.
There's not going to beapplause, there's not going to
be someone shooting confetticannons at you.
You're not going to get trendy,but, more importantly, you will
get self-respect.
You will gain confidence.
Let me tell you something thatis a kind of win that no one can
take from you.
(39:30):
It's not a medal, that's notanything.
That is something that issacred, that you hold true to
yourself, that you recognize youwent through a very difficult
time and you became better forit.
It's about walking through thisfire and saying nothing and
showing up for your run, yourjournal, your relationships,
even when that internal voice isscreaming for you to just hide,
(39:52):
to disappear.
There's something pure aboutbuilding confidence in the dark,
and that comes from taking hardsteps when no one's watching,
when no one's validating you,and you keep going anyway.
That's the foundation ofsomeone who's going to become
unstoppable.
Keep going anyway.
That's the foundation ofsomeone who's going to become
unstoppable, because yourstrength is independent on hype.
(40:13):
It's built from truth and it'sbuilt from action and from the
fact that you bled for it andkept moving forward.
You cried that you were souncertain about the future, but
you kept moving.
And one day maybe not now,maybe not tomorrow, but one day
someone will look at you and say, hey, you're strong, you're
(40:34):
someone who's grounded, you'resomeone who I admire.
You hold your head high andyou'll smile.
You'll just give them a nicelittle smile, because they don't
know the whole story.
They don't know what it costyou to become this version of
yourself.
They don't know what it costyou to become this version of
yourself.
They don't know about all thosesilent nights, all the doubts,
all the breakdowns, the smallvictories that added up over
time.
But you know, and that shouldbe enough, if you're listening
(40:59):
to this and you're in the middleof it, you're not broken and,
more importantly, you're notalone.
You're just getting started.
You're not done.
The war that you fight alone isshaping you.
It's sharpening you, it'sstripping away the noise and
revealing who you really are.
And maybe right now you don'tfeel strong.
You feel tired, and that's okay.
(41:21):
That is okay.
Strength is not loud and it'snot about dominating everything
or being the strongestphysically.
Strength sometimes is quiet.
Think about Rosa Parks.
She didn't really say anythingwhen they they told her to move
for seats.
Sometimes that strength is justthe decision to not give up.
(41:44):
Today and when the doubt comesback, when uncertainty is
staring at you right in the eyes, when that fear is there, when
you feel like you're at yourlowest.
Come back to this.
You don't need permission tokeep going.
You just need to remember whothe hell you are, remember who
(42:09):
the hell you are and Rememberwho the hell you are and keep
showing up, keep choosing growth, keep choosing to fight, even
if you're the only one who knowsthat that fight exists, because
the one who wins in silence,they're the ones who are worth
becoming something, and that'syou.
If you're listening to theGetting After it podcast, that's
you.
(42:30):
I know life is hard.
Life is hard for us all, andyou might look at someone like
me who has a podcast, who runs alot, who does things that
require discipline, and say, ohman, he's got it all together.
But I promise you I don't.
Allie, seen me cry many timesjust because of our fertility
thing.
She's seen me break down.
She's seen me lose hope.
(42:52):
She's seen it all, and that'spart of being a human being is
there can't always be good times.
There's going to be bad ones.
But the important thing is youremember who you are during
those times and you show up andyou try to keep that faith alive
(43:13):
.
You silence those voices andyou become who you're meant to
be.
This was a more tender episode.
So I appreciate you guys forlistening to this and being a
little bit real with me,allowing me to be a little bit
real Because I wanted to makethis episode mainly for you to
(43:38):
not feel discouraged withwhatever you might be going
through, but also to show youthat everyone kind of has their
own issues, everyone has theirown challenges and trials.
You that everyone kind of hastheir own issues, everyone has
their own challenges and trials.
And, more importantly, if thereis someone out there who's
dealing with infertility, it's ahell of a monster and I'm happy
(44:00):
to talk with you about it.
That's the important pieceGetting after it as a community.
And a community stays together.
Community decides to growtogether and I'm willing grow
together and I'm willing to help.
I'm willing to help any way Ican to let you see that growth
in yourself.
So I appreciate you forlistening to this episode.
If it helped at all withanything you might be going
(44:21):
through and you know someone whois going through something,
feel free to send it to them.
But I appreciate you guys forsticking around and you're
stronger than you think.
So when the battle shows up,recognize you're prepared, keep
showing up and until next time,everyone keep getting after it.
The hardest battles that we fight are not going to be
done in arenas.
They are going to be in our ownmind, and there's not going to
be a cheering crowd.
No one's going to do anInstagram post for you.
It's just you and the voice inyour head that's telling you to
quit.
Welcome back to the show.
This one's going to be a littlebit different, because I want
(00:24):
to take a second and recognizethat everyone has unseen battles
.
Everyone faces things that wedon't see.
They're not posting the battlesthat they're going through on
social media.
They're not posting theirdifficulties online or really
being open about them, when inreality, we probably should.
I've learned through my ownexperience that it helps much
(00:47):
more when you have a team ofpeople that are guiding you
through something rather thantrying to battle it on your own,
and we're going to talk aboutboth relying on support of other
people, but also what you cando to fortify your mind, to make
you face these battles a littlestronger and to be a little bit
aimed to prepare for them withwhatever they might seem like,
(01:14):
because really this isn't aflashy thing.
It doesn't come with applauseor praise like all these unseen
battles that you are goingthrough now.
It could look like a lot ofdifferent things.
It could be.
You wake up some days and theweight that you feel from
whatever you're going through isalready there.
Maybe it's doubt, maybe it'sstress about your own future,
(01:37):
about your family, maybe it'ssomething darker.
It could be grief, it could beshame, it could be fear.
It could be grief, it could beshame, it could be fear, but
you're forced to show up andsmile, go to work, post your
workouts, make your calls, dowhatever you have to do, but
inside it's a war, and I'mcalling this episode the war
(02:00):
that you fight alone, becausethat's what it feels like,
doesn't it Like?
Most of the times you gothrough these things feels like
you're all alone and nobodyknows, and the thing about these
internal battles is that theyare invisible, which makes them
much more dangerous.
Like you talk to anypsychologist, talk to any
therapist, and they will tellyou that you should never
(02:23):
isolate.
If you're going throughsomething difficult, do not
isolate.
I've done that before, and Ican confirm it's much harder to
deal with things if you'retrying to battle them alone.
And let's talk about what thiswar is, though.
What is it?
Because it's not always goingto be dramatic.
Sometimes it might be a fullbreakdown, but other times it
(02:44):
might not.
It you just.
It could be subtle, it could belingering, it could be quiet.
The war is showing up for thingsthat you don't want to do, like
when you're not motivated to doit.
If you're going throughsomething difficult, like
sometimes, the war is justmaking it through the day and
not spiraling out of control.
Other days it's choosing tohave one more uncomfortable
(03:07):
conversation with yourself topush you to do something more,
because you know that's the onlytrue way to grow is to continue
pushing out of your comfortzone, to bypass that and learn
that you're capable of doingmore.
But it's silent, it is a silentwar, and that silence it can be
(03:27):
sacred if you um, if you treatit right.
The silence is whereself-respect is built.
You know how I know this isbecause I've done it before.
I've been through my ownbattles.
I've I've fought depression andI've had moments where I didn't
want to keep going.
But you have to learn thatthat's not an option.
(03:53):
You have to fight through that.
You have to learn that you'recapable of doing more and that
it doesn't.
Whatever is plaguing your mindat the moment will end Like it
might not be in the near futureand I hate to be the bearer of
bad news there, but it will end.
It could be days, months, years, but there's a lot of power in
(04:21):
continuing.
There is a lot of self-respectgained when you don't want to do
anything.
You're facing all thesechallenges, you're going through
it, you're in the mud, but youshow up anyway and you keep
pushing forward, like when I wasgoing through my own depressive
episodes.
(04:42):
It was so hard to put on a maskand go to work every day and
pretend like nothing was wrong,when in reality I was melting on
the inside and I felt like apiece of crap.
It was a time where myself-talk was in the gutter.
I was very mean to myself and Iknew that at the time.
(05:03):
I knew that I was being verybrutal with with myself.
Um, because and I hate to saythis because it's going to make
me seem like a bad person, but Ipromise you I've changed.
I always thought of people whohad depressed or depression, as
you know, maybe maybe they'rejust weak, maybe they just can't
get through their days andmaybe they're focusing on the
(05:25):
wrong things.
But that's not.
That's not true at all.
Um, and I've learned that formyself is like if you're
battling real depression, youhave no motivation, you don't
want to do anything and yourmind cycles around these
thoughts that keep you in thatstate where you're kind of
(05:46):
bummed out and you're kind ofsad.
It's going to linger because ofthat, but you're not weak.
You're definitely not weak.
Why is it so hard to keep going?
Why is it so hard to fightthrough these thoughts to try
and become a stronger person?
(06:06):
Well, the thing is is, with,with these silent battles,
there's no break.
There's no coach coming in andcalling a timeout, there's no
friend stepping in and sayinglike, hey, why don't we regroup
here?
Let's, let's take it, let'stake a minute.
It's just you, just you withyour own thoughts.
It's your own habits and evenyour own demons.
Those are.
(06:27):
You know people like to talkabout your demons, but really
that's all it is is it's onlyyou.
And when that pressure builds up, it's going to feel heavy and
I'm sure you felt it too Likeit's that pit in your stomach
that you can't explain.
It's the weight in your chestthat shows up out of nowhere and
catches you off guard.
(06:48):
It's your mind is blurry andyour focus is all over the place
.
You have a foggy brain andspiraling thoughts that make
things simple seem to feelimpossible.
Now, um, it could be triggeredby a lot of stuff.
It could be a traumatic eventin your life.
It could just be that you knowit just comes.
(07:11):
I don't know how to explaindepression.
I'm not a psychologist or atherapist here, but sometimes
life just does that to you.
Life can just throw you in thegutters.
And when that happens becauseit will happen to every single
person you have to have a gameplan.
You have to know that this is atemporary thing and, whatever
(07:35):
happens, you'll make it through.
And if you do it right, if youtry to make the most of your
situation given yourcircumstances, you will become a
better person in the end.
That's not some self-help BS,that's real life.
If you're able to push throughthese challenges that come up
into your life, whatever theyare the silent ones, if you're
(07:58):
able to keep going, thatself-respect builds up, you will
be more confident that whenthings do go to hell, you can be
the person that others can relyon and that you can rely on
yourself.
It's tough and silence whenyou're there and you have those
(08:20):
thoughts.
It's not a sign of weakness.
This is the arena that's eithergoing to make or break you,
this silent idea or not.
Silent idea, silent momentswhere you just have time to
think about, really probably theproblem that you're going
through.
It's difficult, but there's aquote I love and I don't know
(08:44):
who said it first, but it'sstayed with me for quite a long
time Character is who you arewhen no one's watching, and I
felt that in the rawest way.
It's not during a race, it's notin front of an audience, but
it's in the middle of the night,when I'm staring at the ceiling
Wondering if I'm doing enoughor if I am enough.
And it's in those moments thatyou learn something, because
(09:08):
when you strip away the applause, when you strip away people
chanting you on and cheering youon, you're left with the truth,
and the truth can hurtsometimes, like those moments
when I was staring at theceiling at nighttime and I
couldn't sleep and I wasdepressed.
I would always ask myself, likewhere's this coming from?
Like, why do I feel this way?
My life, from the outsideperspective, is great.
I have an amazing wife, who'ssuper hot, might I add on.
(09:33):
I have a great job, a familythat loves me, I'm healthy.
Where is this coming from?
I have no excuse to feel thisway and at the time, I think I
probably associated it with thechange I was going through.
I think I probably associatedit with the change I was going
through, but I never came upwith a solid answer on why this
(09:56):
is happening to me, and I thinkthat's the truth I had to face
is that there was no realexplanation on why I was feeling
this way.
Maybe it was a chemicalimbalance, I don't know.
But the truth is also where youcan start to heal.
It's the beginning of yourgrowth and it's where you take
over.
Like in those moments, I said,hey, well, I feel like crap and
(10:21):
I can't figure out why.
And I love this quote from AlexHormozy.
He says if you can be in a badmood for no reason, you can be
in a good mood for no reason.
And so I remember hearing thatand being like yeah, that's
probably true.
Um, and then one night, my wifesaid a few things to me and
help really clarify why I wasfeeling some of these things.
(10:42):
And, uh, made all thedifference.
She had perspective from theoutside that I didn't, and it
was truthful, stung, but Ineeded to hear something like
that.
And once I confronted thattruth, I was able to make some
changes and change some of myhabits, my behaviors, and become
(11:06):
a happy person.
It took work, but action is theantidote to a lot of these
things.
To get very personal right now,my wife and I we're going
through a silent battle rightnow and it's caused by me.
This is going to be reallypersonal here, but whatever
(11:31):
Cat's out of the bag, I'minfertile.
Zero sperm that's 200,000people a year get that.
So I'm pretty rare, if you knowwhat I'm talking about.
Anyways, zero sperm, and that'snot a great thing to have.
I'm listening to a podcast rightnow with Chris Williamson and
(11:52):
some doctor, and the doctor wasbasically he's a male fertility
doctor and he's talking.
He's like, yeah, you know, ifmen have sperm counts that are
around 5 million to 20 million,uh sperm within a milliliter,
they're gonna have issues havingkids.
And I'm over here like, well,damn, I have zero, don't even
(12:12):
have one in there, just nothing,just uh, probably.
If you're looking okay, I'mgonna make a joke about this
because I can if you look insidemy testicles or something, you
know, it's probably like thewild west, and all of a sudden
you see like a, it's like atumbleweed go across and dust
blowing.
Know, it's like that's theinside of my balls.
(12:34):
So yeah, I am infertile and it'sone of the hardest things that
Allie and I have had to gothrough.
You know I'm making jokes andthings like that, but I want to
keep it light.
I think if you take yoursituation that you're in and you
focus on all the negative, allthe bad, all the uncertainty,
it's going to make it so muchworse.
But if you can find a couple ofreasons to maybe make yourself
(12:56):
laugh, like I got tumbleweeds inmy nuts, that's kind of funny,
um, but it's hard, like, andit's it's hard for me.
I'll explain my perspectivefirst and then kind of walk into
how Allie and I are workingtogether on this.
But for me I feel like it's astab at my masculinity.
(13:18):
I'm like I'm not a man.
Really, I can't even make sperm.
Like, okay, great, that'sawesome.
Um, my testosterone's low, likethat, great, I'm not a man.
And that comes up a lot in myhead is like oh, wow, okay.
So Allie married you and sheexpected that she was going to
(13:41):
be able to be a mom and, uh, youcan't even deliver that, you
can't even show up and give hera kid.
You have no sperm and and it'spretty tough.
It's a hard thing for me todeal with and it weighs on me a
lot because I know how bad mywife and I we want to have kids.
(14:06):
That's like every time we goover to my nieces and nephews
and we see them.
It just hurts a little more.
Right now, we're going throughinfertility treatments and not
really seeing great signs frommy own body with hormone
(14:26):
replacement therapy like HCG,and we've tried a few other
medicines before and didn'treally see great results from it
.
Um, we are now going to go seelike a, a infertility specialist
who specializes in maleinfertility, and it.
It's scary because with someonelike me who has something
(14:49):
called azoospermia, which meansyou have zero sperm, there's a
couple of procedures that theycan do, one of them called the
microtests, where they go in,they cut open the scrotum, they
look in there, they pull out achunkier ball and then from that
they can hopefully find somesperm cells in there.
(15:10):
But it's about 50, 50 chance,50, 50 chance, and so in my mind
I'm like, okay, great, so wehave to go through this
procedure, we have to pay abunch of money because
infertility is expensive andthere's still a 50-50 chance
(15:31):
that I might not even haveanything in there.
There's a lot of uncertaintywith that, there's a lot of fear
and it's easy.
It's so easy to just play thevictim card and give up, be like
, okay, well, all right, we'renot going to have kids, al.
(15:52):
But what's the benefit of that?
What good does that do for you?
Nothing.
If you're just going to thinkabout the worst case scenario in
every situation I think it'simportant to plan for that Like,
you should obviously have anidea of what you're going to do
if it does become the worst casescenario, but don't ruminate on
it.
What's that going to do?
If it does become the worstcase scenario, but don't
(16:13):
ruminate on it what's that goingto do for you?
If you're thinking about, like,oh man, am I going to like in
my situation, am I ever going tobe able to have kids?
Like what if they're not mykids and I have to adopt?
Or we have to use a donor?
Or uh, what if we do thisprocedure and we don't find
anything?
And then we have to go downanother uh avenue to see if we
can get pregnant.
And who knows, maybe something'swrong with Allie and we just
have no idea which could make itworse.
(16:36):
Like there's just so muchthat's kind of going against us
that if you let your mind focuson everything that's wrong, your
brain is great at findingevidence of that and it will say
, okay, well, yes, you are azoospermia, you have no sperm.
It's not looking promisingthere.
But also your boss saidsomething at work to you that
(16:59):
made you question if your job issafe.
And also your wife is not happythat you didn't do the laundry
like she asked you to.
And now you're questioning ifshe even likes you and loves you
.
And you've gained some pounds,so is your fitness going down?
Like all I'm saying is that ifyou focus on the problems all
(17:20):
the time and focus on thenegative, that's all you will
see.
I love the prophet of the churchI belong to.
His name is President Russell MNelson and he's the prophet of
the Church of Jesus Christ ofLatter-day Saints, just in case
anyone didn't know that.
But he has this quote where hesays the joy of your life does
(17:43):
not depend on your circumstances, it depends on your focus, it
depends on what you focus on.
Something along those lines.
I butchered it a little bit bit, but there's a lot of truth
behind that.
If you focus on all thenegative, your brain will find
it, but if you want to focus onwhat you have and you want to
focus on gratitude, that changesa lot and that's what has
(18:11):
honestly gotten Allie and Ithrough a lot of this trial,
that we're going through thischallenge of having kids.
It's gratitude Because, yes, itabsolutely sucks that we can't
get pregnant, but you know whatwe have.
We have healthy bodies, we havea roof over our head, we have
(18:34):
each other and she's my bestfriend.
And if it comes to the point towhere we can't have kids and
I'm just left with al, my lifeis damn good.
That girl, she's everything tome and, uh, I couldn't get
(18:58):
through all these things withouther.
She's just helped me so much.
And that's what I mean is likeI love her unconditionally.
I love her so much and if thisis cheesy, I don't care, I'm
just saying what I feel.
She's the best thing that'sever happened to me.
And if we don't have kidstogether, you know what?
(19:21):
At least I got her.
I don't need kids.
If I got Al I'd like them but Idon't need them.
She's the best thing that'sever happened to me.
If I didn't have Al then mylife would be 100% different.
It'd be scary, because Ali hashelped me through all my
depressive episodes.
She's helped me throughchallenges I've gone through
(19:44):
myself.
She's helped me see myself in adifferent view.
She's helped me with gettingafter it.
She's the person who I laughthe most with and that makes me
a very rich man.
Gratitude helps a lot.
I went on a little tangentthere about my wife, but I'd be
(20:06):
I'd be ashamed of myself if Ididn't say how much I loved her
and how much she means to me andhow much she helps me.
We make a damn good team andanyways, I love you all.
But getting back into thesethings, I want to take a couple
of little pieces from the Stoicson how their perspective shifts
(20:28):
and what they think about canhelp you in your own personal
battles, because I'm in thethick of it.
You might be in the thick of itEither way.
You've probably felt the weightbefore and you've seen the fog
and questions can come up.
Like I said when I was staringat the ceiling of what do I
(20:49):
actually do about it?
And this is where the Stokesare going to come in Stoics, not
Stokes.
Sometimes I talk fast and getthe words all jumbled.
So I'm working on how I speakand Allie made a point to me the
other day that I say 100% a lot.
So if I say 100% on the podcastafter I just said it, I need
(21:11):
you to comment and tell me I'msaying it, because I'm trying to
get that out of my vocabulary.
But anyways, the Stoics andthere's a reason I keep coming
back to them all the time it'sbecause they don't just give out
fluff.
It's not like some motivationalInstagram crap.
They give out real things andthey don't tell you to oh, just
manifest the good vibes.
(21:32):
That's all you need to do.
Like you're going through somehard stuff.
Just manifest it, think it andit'll come to pass.
It's not how it works.
The Stoics.
They say, okay, here's a sword,here's a shield.
Now go face your demons, gobattle them, face them head on.
Epictetus said we suffer notfrom the events in our lives,
(21:52):
but from our judgment about them.
I'm going to read that again wesuffer not from the events in
our lives, but from our judgmentabout them.
Excuse me, the problem isn'talways what's happening.
The problem is the story you'retelling yourself about what's
happening.
Like if you lose your job, doesthat mean you're a failure?
No.
If your partner pulls away,does that mean you're a failure?
No.
If your partner pulls away,does that mean you're unlovable?
(22:14):
No, you mess up on a run orworkout or completely skip and
fall off track.
Does that mean you're weak?
No, not.
Unless you choose to believethat story.
If you sit there and you say,oh man, I missed a workout.
And then you start tellingyourself all these things yeah,
I suck, yeah I'm bad.
Control that inner voice, theinner battle is won once you
(22:37):
realize that you have thecontrol to determine what your
outlook is and what you want tofocus on.
The Stoics draw a line.
They make it very clear andthere's two categories in life.
One is what you can control andtwo is what you cannot.
Simple, right?
That's an easy thing to live by.
If you can't control anything,if you can't control the things
(23:01):
that are happening to you, don'tget mad about them.
Just say, okay, how can I makethe most of it?
But you can control yourresponses to those things, and
that's what's important is.
Let's take that example oflosing your job.
There's two different peopleBobby, he's going to lose his
job.
And Bobby goes home and he'slike I lost my job and he's sad.
(23:26):
And then he goes to the kitchen, he goes into the freezer,
pulls out the Ben and Jerry'sfish food Um, and he's freezer
pulls out the ben and jerry'sfish food um, and he just sits
on the couch and he's spoonfeeding himself.
I lost it, my job.
And his wife comes home.
He's like what are you doing?
And he's like I lost my job.
And she's like it's okay, we'llfigure it out.
And he's like, no, we won't, wewon't.
(23:47):
And then eventually, uh, did Icall him bobby?
Bobby wakes up the next day andhe's like oh, I don't have a job
to go to.
And then he sits on the couchagain and eats three ben and
jerry's fish foods and that'sall he's focusing on is his job.
And his wife, two weeks later,is like you're a loser, like you
could have.
(24:07):
You had two weeks to get yourlife in order, but you just sat
on the couch and eat ben andjerry's.
At this time, bobby's around360 pounds.
He's gained a lot of weight andhe's just on the couch like now
you're leaving me, oh, andbobby's sad.
And and then tommy actuallywe'll call him timmy, timmy, he,
(24:29):
he loses his job and he goeshome and he's like I lost my job
.
And then his wife comes homeand she's like what's wrong,
honey?
And he's like I lost my job.
And she goes okay, let's dothis, let's figure out what we
need to do next.
I'm sorry, you lost your job, Ilove you.
And Timmy's like you know what.
Okay, let's be proactive aboutit.
(24:49):
And so Timmy gets on linkedinand he's looking around, he's
trying to find jobs and, uh, hefinds one and he's like I'm
gonna apply for this.
And then he does that again afew hours later and he applied
for three jobs the same day.
He got fired next day.
He's like, oh well, it sucks, Ican't go to work, but I have a
lot of time, so maybe I'll justkeep researching jobs.
(25:11):
And Timmy does this for about aweek and a half.
And then, you know, he's hadinterviews during that time.
Very different situations.
Bobby decided to give in,realized he was a failure and
became one because he believedhe was.
And then Timmy was sad,realized that he could be
(25:33):
proactive, realized that thiswasn't the end of the road and
he kept going.
But that's the difference isthat you, on one hand, you can
believe it and on the other handyou can say I'm going to choose
what I do.
You can't control what lifethrows at you, but you control
how you respond to it.
So take that lesson from theStoics, respond to it.
(25:59):
So take that lesson from theStoics.
There's a lot of ways to getthrough the pain, but one thing
I've learned is that you cannotthink through the pain.
The only way that you can getthrough it is by acting, and I
gave just a few examples here.
But you can choose to go for arun when your mind says let's
skip it.
You can write the journal entryeven when you feel numb.
You can text a friend and askthem to hang out or go get
dinner or lunch instead ofisolating and this one, I think,
(26:24):
is the hardest.
But to sit with discomfort,feel those feelings, instead of
medicating it with noise, withsocial media, anything, sit with
the discomfort.
Some days that choice feelsmicroscopic, but when you stack
that up over time, that becomesyour armor.
(26:46):
Think about Timmy.
He did three job applicationshis first day when he got fired.
Then the next day, who knows,maybe he got 10.
And then the next day, maybeanother 10.
And by the end of the week hehad 35.
It just adds up over time.
And Marcus Aurelius, anotherStoic.
He wrote the impediment.
Let me start over here.
(27:06):
The impediment wow, I'm justgoing to say this.
This is me, I can just going tosay this.
This is me.
I can't say this wordImpediment, impediment.
Okay, there we go.
I said it.
The impediment to actionadvances action.
What stands in the way becomesthe way.
There's a great book out there.
If you're going throughsomething difficult, I highly
(27:27):
recommend it.
It's by Ryan Holiday and it'scalled the Obstacle is the Way.
It talks a lot about what we'vediscussed today about how,
sitting with the silence,getting through these silent
battles, the war within yourmind, beating it and having
victory.
That is what teaches you whoyou are.
(27:48):
It is who you become, andthat's exactly what Marcus
Aurelius is saying.
Here is the impediment toaction advances action.
What stands in the way becomesthe way, those obstacles you're
facing.
It's going to change Like.
It's going to help you.
It'll help you, help someoneelse, and that's hopefully the
(28:08):
reason why I'm talking aboutinfertility today and all these
things that I'm going through.
That are silent battles, but Ipray that with whatever
experience I've gone through, Ican help someone else out,
because it is a shitty thing tohave to go through.
It sucks and my brotherunderstands it well, him and his
(28:32):
wife.
They had some infertilityissues early on in their
marriage, but he gets it when Italk to him and I tell him what
I'm feeling and how I feelhopeless and life is dark, and
he understands all thosefeelings Because he went through
it himself and he overcame thathorrible challenge.
(28:53):
And I'm hoping I can do thesame and that's something that I
would say is a good pivot tomake in your brain is it sucks
that I'm going through this, butmaybe there's something I can
learn to help someone who mightface it one day.
Maybe it will be your own kid,maybe it's a really close friend
(29:14):
, but whatever, whoever it is,maybe they can rely on you
Because you were strong, becauseyou fought the battles every
day, even when you wanted tocave, you wanted to quit, but
you showed up anyway and youtold the world who you were by
showing up.
And when you were alone, youfaced those battles with
confidence and courage.
They didn't stop you.
(29:36):
It might have scared you, butit didn't stop you.
Let me give you some tools forthis fight.
So we've defined the war, we'veexplored the weight of it and
we've looked at kind of what theStoics say about it.
But let's be real, likephilosophy alone is not going to
save you, it takes action.
That's what we've talked about.
You need something deeper andI've come up with three that
(30:00):
have helped me.
Every single time, anytime I gothrough a silent battle, these
three things are what havegotten me through.
The first is being physicalfitness.
Okay, there it is.
Yes, physical fitness, itencourages movement.
Like when you can't fix yourmind, move the body.
There are so many days when Icouldn't think clearly and I
(30:25):
couldn't get things done that Iwanted to.
But I could still run, I couldstill go lift weights or go for
a long walk and somehow, throughdoing that strain, through
beating my body, the sweat, thesilence, the clarity would come,
because movement, it gives youremotions somewhere to go.
(30:46):
When you're angry and you golift some weights, by the time
you're done it's like a littletowel wringing you out.
You know what I'm saying Get alittle wet towel and wring it
out.
That's you All.
That anger is gone.
It clears the fog.
Wow, it clears the fog.
I did not say the F word.
It clears the fog.
Your mind might resist it, butyour body knows that, hey, this
(31:09):
is the way forward.
We can do this, even if it'sjust 10 minutes.
Get out of your head, get intoyour body.
That's the first thing.
The second, real close to it andphysical fitness requires this
discipline.
All right, two things that Ialways talk about fitness and
discipline.
It's not sexy, but for me it'sthe anchor.
I have certain non-negotiablesthat I always do, no matter what
(31:31):
, like.
I have certain non-negotiablesthat I always, um, I always do
no matter what, and it's alwaysI work out, I journal or reflect
some way.
Um, and spend time with people.
I love those.
Those three things I have to doevery single day.
Um, and Allie and I are doingdistance, so spending time with
people I love sometimes lookslike FaceTime, whatever, but it
(31:53):
requires discipline to do allthose three things.
Like.
It has to be physical fitnessyou need discipline.
Working on getting after it,working on this podcast, working
on the community you needdiscipline.
Spending time with loved onesyou got to make the call, you
got to spend time with them.
You got to be there.
You got to be present andjournaling and reflecting.
You actually have to do thework.
You have to think about howyour day went, where you could
improve what went wrong, how youcan make it better next time.
(32:17):
Even when you don't want towrite, you got to show up Like
it's not about being productiveFor me, it's more about
stability in my life.
If I know I'm doing those things, then whatever is weighing on
me I can typically deal with,because my life is stable, the
things that I want to do, thenon-negotiables in my life are
completed.
It might help the same for you.
(32:37):
Like, when the emotional stormhits you, you don't rise to the
level of your motivation, youfall to the level of your
systems, and systems are builton discipline.
That's why Jocko says it and Ialways quote it discipline
equals freedom, because it istrue, but I would add on to that
discipline equals clarity,because when everything feels
(33:01):
shaky, the things you always dobecome your foundation.
And if you want to build astrong foundation, you need to
do it on things like beingphysically fit, eating healthy,
reaching out to loved ones,doing things you enjoy, working,
building, building something,but find out what your
foundation is and build upon it.
(33:23):
Now, this one the last one, Iwould argue is the most
important for me and potentiallyfor you, but it's faith in God.
When you believe in God, or ifyou believe in the universe, it
allows you to think aboutsomething that's bigger than
yourself.
Because that internal war, italways feels isolated, like
(33:47):
nobody understands you, likeyou're the only one who's ever
felt this way, but you're not.
Every person you admire, everystrong, grounded, resilient
human being, they've beenthrough it in some way or
another.
They've all had their moment onthe floor or their moment in
the dark, the moment whereQuitting whispered, hey, no one
(34:07):
would know, nobody would know.
But that person said, no, I'mnot listening to you.
And it's not because they'resuperhuman, I think it's just
because they are human.
And for me, I think about a lotof faith and philosophy to some
degree, but mainly faith,because Christ is my foundation.
(34:30):
Like I wrote down earlier, youfeel isolated, like no one
understands, like you're theonly one who's felt this way,
but you're not.
And I know that Christ has feltevery single pain, and that's
(34:53):
physical pain, that's the painof sin, that's the pain of grief
.
That's anything.
That's the pain you're feelingright now, going through
whatever battle that you are,christ understands it completely
.
He suffered so he could succoryou and help you through
whatever challenges and trialsthat you're going through.
I know that because I've hadthat happen to me when I was
(35:15):
sick and I was 135 pounds and Iwould sleep a lot of the times
and I would lay in my bed in adark room.
I always remember I would talkto God and usually my
conversations would go somethinglike why is this happening to
me?
Like I don't want to do thisanymore.
Like why is this happening tome?
Like I don't want to do thisanymore?
(35:35):
I want to get through.
And I always would have thisthought anytime that I'm
building you into somethinggreater, and I had to trust that
.
I had to believe that there wassomething behind that thought.
And during that time, duringany time I go through something
(35:56):
difficult, I think of my anchorin Christ, because he knows that
I'm feeling it.
I'm going through hell andChrist has overcome hell,
luckily, and he wants us toreach out to him.
God wants you to reach out tohim through his son.
(36:19):
Call upon the name of Christ,talk to God and recognize that,
whatever you're going through,you can have support through
faith in Christ, through hopefor a better future and knowing
that God wouldn't do this to you, wouldn't put you through
(36:41):
something like this if youweren't going to learn, if you
weren't going to improve.
That's a teetering little thinghere, because it's like the
situation with Bobby and Timmy.
Because Bobby could have losthis job, blamed God, realized
that everything in his life wasbad because of God and Timmy.
(37:02):
He could have said, okay, hey,god, I'm scared.
Okay, hey, god, I'm scared, Idon't have a job.
Can you help me find him?
Can you help me look for him?
And he wasn't just waiting forthem to happen.
He was taking action and he wasapplying to jobs, he was doing
interviews and eventually he gothired again.
(37:22):
And when that happened he waslike God, I knew you were
looking out for me.
And it's hard to explainspiritual experiences through a
podcast, but I'm telling you, inmy darkest moments I never gave
up faith in Christ, I nevergave up faith on my Savior,
(37:44):
because that is the single moststable thing in my life and it
always has been is my faith inJesus Christ, and when I have
him on my side.
I always ask myself what can Inot do?
Because I have someone whoovercame everything, who
(38:04):
overcame the world, who overcamedeath and is rooting for me and
is, in fact, helping me up.
And when I'm limping across, hecomes up, puts my arm around
his shoulder and wobbles me.
You know he's there supportingme along the way.
I know that is true and I'mhappy to talk about that with
(38:25):
anyone if you want to ask mequestions.
But having faith in somethinggreater than yourself will get
you through some of your darkesttimes, and for me, that faith
is rooted in Christ, and I knowhe looks out for me.
He looks out for you too.
You just have to ask him.
That's really it.
He wants you to.
(38:46):
He's your big brother.
Christ wants you to reach outto him.
Now, when this all finishes,when you get through your trials
, when you are proactive, youtake action, you do all these
things we've talked about.
Let's talk about the beauty ofwinning in silence, because
here's the twist in all thiswhen you win the war that you
(39:09):
fight alone, no one will notice.
There's not going to beapplause, there's not going to
be someone shooting confetticannons at you.
You're not going to get trendy,but, more importantly, you will
get self-respect.
You will gain confidence.
Let me tell you something thatis a kind of win that no one can
take from you.
(39:30):
It's not a medal, that's notanything.
That is something that issacred, that you hold true to
yourself, that you recognize youwent through a very difficult
time and you became better forit.
It's about walking through thisfire and saying nothing and
showing up for your run, yourjournal, your relationships,
even when that internal voice isscreaming for you to just hide,
(39:52):
to disappear.
There's something pure aboutbuilding confidence in the dark,
and that comes from taking hardsteps when no one's watching,
when no one's validating you,and you keep going anyway.
That's the foundation ofsomeone who's going to become
unstoppable.
Keep going anyway.
That's the foundation ofsomeone who's going to become
unstoppable, because yourstrength is independent on hype.
(40:13):
It's built from truth and it'sbuilt from action and from the
fact that you bled for it andkept moving forward.
You cried that you were souncertain about the future, but
you kept moving.
And one day maybe not now,maybe not tomorrow, but one day
someone will look at you and say, hey, you're strong, you're
(40:34):
someone who's grounded, you'resomeone who I admire.
You hold your head high andyou'll smile.
You'll just give them a nicelittle smile, because they don't
know the whole story.
They don't know what it costyou to become this version of
yourself.
They don't know what it costyou to become this version of
yourself.
They don't know about all thosesilent nights, all the doubts,
all the breakdowns, the smallvictories that added up over
time.
But you know, and that shouldbe enough, if you're listening
(40:59):
to this and you're in the middleof it, you're not broken and,
more importantly, you're notalone.
You're just getting started.
You're not done.
The war that you fight alone isshaping you.
It's sharpening you, it'sstripping away the noise and
revealing who you really are.
And maybe right now you don'tfeel strong.
You feel tired, and that's okay.
(41:21):
That is okay.
Strength is not loud and it'snot about dominating everything
or being the strongestphysically.
Strength sometimes is quiet.
Think about Rosa Parks.
She didn't really say anythingwhen they they told her to move
for seats.
Sometimes that strength is justthe decision to not give up.
(41:44):
Today and when the doubt comesback, when uncertainty is
staring at you right in the eyes, when that fear is there, when
you feel like you're at yourlowest.
Come back to this.
You don't need permission tokeep going.
You just need to remember whothe hell you are, remember who
(42:09):
the hell you are and Rememberwho the hell you are and keep
showing up, keep choosing growth, keep choosing to fight, even
if you're the only one who knowsthat that fight exists, because
the one who wins in silence,they're the ones who are worth
becoming something, and that'syou.
If you're listening to theGetting After it podcast, that's
you.
(42:30):
I know life is hard.
Life is hard for us all, andyou might look at someone like
me who has a podcast, who runs alot, who does things that
require discipline, and say, ohman, he's got it all together.
But I promise you I don't.
Allie, seen me cry many timesjust because of our fertility
thing.
She's seen me break down.
She's seen me lose hope.
(42:52):
She's seen it all, and that'spart of being a human being is
there can't always be good times.
There's going to be bad ones.
But the important thing is youremember who you are during
those times and you show up andyou try to keep that faith alive
(43:13):
.
You silence those voices andyou become who you're meant to
be.
This was a more tender episode.
So I appreciate you guys forlistening to this and being a
little bit real with me,allowing me to be a little bit
real Because I wanted to makethis episode mainly for you to
(43:38):
not feel discouraged withwhatever you might be going
through, but also to show youthat everyone kind of has their
own issues, everyone has theirown challenges and trials.
You that everyone kind of hastheir own issues, everyone has
their own challenges and trials.
And, more importantly, if thereis someone out there who's
dealing with infertility, it's ahell of a monster and I'm happy
(44:00):
to talk with you about it.
That's the important pieceGetting after it as a community.
And a community stays together.
Community decides to growtogether and I'm willing grow
together and I'm willing to help.
I'm willing to help any way Ican to let you see that growth
in yourself.
So I appreciate you forlistening to this episode.
If it helped at all withanything you might be going
(44:21):
through and you know someone whois going through something,
feel free to send it to them.
But I appreciate you guys forsticking around and you're
stronger than you think.
So when the battle shows up,recognize you're prepared, keep
showing up and until next time,everyone keep getting after it.
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Football’s funniest family duo — Jason Kelce of the Philadelphia Eagles and Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs — team up to provide next-level access to life in the league as it unfolds. The two brothers and Super Bowl champions drop weekly insights about the weekly slate of games and share their INSIDE perspectives on trending NFL news and sports headlines. They also endlessly rag on each other as brothers do, chat the latest in pop culture and welcome some very popular and well-known friends to chat with them. Check out new episodes every Wednesday. Follow New Heights on the Wondery App, YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to new episodes early and ad-free, and get exclusive content on Wondery+. Join Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts or Spotify. And join our new membership for a unique fan experience by going to the New Heights YouTube channel now!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!