October 21, 2024 • 26 mins
In this episode of Getting Better, we dive into the power of boundaries and how they protect your peace, your values, and your relationships. Learn why setting boundaries is an act of self-love and how they help you live more authentically.
If you're tired of feeling drained, disrespected, or overwhelmed, this episode will empower you to take control, communicate your needs, and create healthier connections with yourself and others.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I'm Savannah Harding and this is Getting Better.
(00:16):
Hi!
Welcome back to Getting Better, a podcast about health and healing.
And in my journey of health and healing, this particular subject took a lot of practice
and self-love in the form of self-preservation.
Today we are talking about boundaries and personal values.
(00:38):
Because if you don't know what you're protecting, it's difficult to know in what way you need
to set up protection.
Boundaries as annoying and uncomfortable as they can be keep your desires safe and keep
relationships afloat.
And having to set them is not a bad sign.
(01:00):
In fact, it means that you care so much about keeping a relationship or at least being able
to interact with the other party in a civil way that you are willing to put in work and
limitations to keep the relationship, again, including specific relationships with yourself.
In dealing with chronic pain, illness, or hardship, you learn pretty quickly how to be disciplined
(01:23):
in the practices that help and hurt you.
And though it's sometimes hard to control your own actions, it is nearly impossible
to control the actions of others.
And when you're in a sensitive state, it's pretty common that you will have to be more
disciplined and set more boundaries in your life.
And though limitations suck and verbalizing your needs to your friends, family, partners,
(01:48):
and strangers can be vulnerable and uncomfortable, boundaries will give you the protection, space,
and understanding you need to live the life you want while protecting your virtues and
self.
Boundaries are guidelines that show others how you want to be treated.
It's up to the boundary maker to uphold and reinforce that boundary.
(02:10):
It sucks that you must not only create and protect that which you hold dear, but also
enforce and carry out consequences when others put your values at risk.
But it makes sense because when you have a home, whose job is it to protect the house?
It's not the job of the burglar, nor the new guest, not even the bestie who lives there
(02:32):
half the time.
It is up to you to protect your own home, your heart, your life.
It's not up to the intruder to know where to stop.
It's up to you to build the fence, create a boundary, and enforce the consequences of
someone hops the fence.
Ever since I heard someone explain boundaries like this, I can't forget it.
(02:53):
So if you're in an elevator with a child, let's say it's your child, and they always
press every elevator button, making you stop at each floor, and you don't want them to
press them, you can set a boundary and say, I don't want you to press the buttons when
I'm in the elevator with you.
You've stated the boundary, and now it's time for you to enforce it.
So you must stand in between the child and the buttons and say, I'm going to stand here
(03:17):
in between you and the buttons so that you do not press them.
The difference between stating and enforcing a boundary is taking action.
You can say, hey, don't push the buttons, which is also saying, don't push my buttons.
But unless there is a consequential action, you will not be holding your boundary.
(03:39):
It is up to you to enforce your own boundaries.
It is up to others whether or not they will be respectful in their attitude toward your
boundary because try as hard as you can.
You cannot control their reaction.
And I believe this is an important distinction when it comes to boundaries.
(03:59):
Boundaries aren't protecting you from being triggered because that is often out of your
control.
Boundaries are to protect your self-appointed values so that when you are triggered, you
will have the enforcements so that you will not stoop to a lower level or go into a spiral
or lose your cool or take an unnecessary risk or even do or say something that you might
(04:25):
regret.
So I'll say that again, boundaries aren't going to make you not triggered, not have
an emotional reaction.
It's so that when you are triggered, when someone does something that does provoke this reaction
in you, you will not act or lose your self-worth in a way that you will regret or that will
(04:46):
put something you value at risk.
Boundaries are guidelines that show others how you want to be treated.
But if you don't know how you want to be treated, how can you expect others to know?
This is where it gets deeper because you might not know your values, what you're trying
(05:06):
to protect.
You might be going through life just testing out the waters to see where on the spectrum
you lie, the spectrum of good or bad, appropriate or inappropriate, and so on.
And that is okay, but when someone starts to trigger your anger, sadness, shame, etc.
and you don't have a value set to protect, you then risk accepting things that aren't
(05:31):
good for you or reacting in ways that aren't actually beneficial to the existing relationship.
Boundary and value can seem like very vague terms, but let me give you some examples.
If someone is saying rude or unkind things to you or speaking in a rude tone, you protect
your value of respect and of kindness by saying, if you continue to speak to me in that tone
(05:57):
or in that way, I will not participate in this conversation.
You can add, when you want to speak respectfully to me, you can try calling me tomorrow, but
now you know my boundary.
But you don't have to stonewall someone for a boundary to be set by providing another
opportunity for the other person to interact using the boundary.
It will show whether or not they heard you and have changed their actions to interact
(06:21):
within those limits, within that boundary.
Let's say if you have value of your own time and work life balance and your boss asks you
to come in on a day off, you have to decide where that boundary lies and it's up to you
to relay the boundary to them.
You could be totally fine with working every single day of your life, scheduled or not,
(06:43):
but it's not up to your boss to not ask you to come in.
It's up to you to enforce a boundary.
And usually there are signs that a boundary is needed when you find yourself getting angry
when someone requests something of you or when you start resenting a person on repeat
or a small comment pushes you over the edge or you feel drained instead of filled after
(07:09):
being with someone.
And the point of a boundary is trying to stop an action before it can affect your own actions
because like I said, you can't control your triggered emotions, but you can control your
reactions.
Boundaries do not always have to be told to the other person, thing or event.
(07:31):
Boundaries do have to be cleared to you because you're the one who will be digging the moat,
building a wall or packing your bags to leave.
No one is going to guess your boundary.
And part of a boundary is telling yourself how many times you're okay reinforcing it
because a repeated break of a boundary means you have a gate up, but you're letting that
(07:55):
person in again and again.
And if you let them hop the fence every other time, you're saying that you only hold this
value every so often.
And maybe that's a time where you need to revisit your own values and reconsider your
boundary.
Boundaries protect yourself worth your personal values and what you are willing to accept.
(08:19):
Creating a boundary in a relationship may seem unkind or uncaring when it is in fact the
opposite.
A boundary means that you care so much about the relationship that you are willing to have
uncomfortable conversations and spend your time enforcing boundaries so that you can
continue being together.
(08:40):
Now everything in moderation, because if you notice yourself in constant defense mode,
you are protecting yourself.
And when you're protecting, you're not connecting in your relationship.
I'll repeat that again because it's so important, not just with boundaries, but in everything.
When you're actively protecting yourself, you are not connecting with someone else.
(09:04):
So if you notice yourself in constant defense mode all the time with another person, it
might be time to reevaluate whether or not you actually want to continue interacting
with that person.
And that's where it gets really, really hard to make a decision when you have to kind of
cut someone out from your life.
(09:24):
But that's what boundaries are helping us do.
It's helping us give some space and some reconsideration to see whether or not it's worth continuing
enforcing a boundary because it takes effort, it takes energy, and it takes a lot of emotional
consideration as well.
And it sucks when you have to enforce a boundary.
(09:45):
But if the other person is respectful in understanding, you should only have to do it once or twice
so they get what your values are and do not act against them.
It's also up to them to decide whether or not to continue the relationship after that.
It sucks when people can't understand or actively choose to go against your boundaries.
(10:06):
But what sucks even more is slowly losing your self-worth, questioning your own values,
or being gaslit or controlled because you're not sure of your own worth or reality.
Grounding yourself and reminding yourself of your values, your core values, helps you
live a life that you are proud of so that you can live confidently in your actions and
(10:31):
beliefs and not be swayed easily by a bully.
And speaking of bullies, I always like to think of this.
Let's say you have normal colored hair and someone comes up to you and says, oh my gosh,
your purple hair is so ugly.
I bet no one likes you because of your purple hair.
You might check a mirror just to check.
But odds are that you will know you don't have purple hair and so the criticism won't
(10:56):
hurt you because it's not the reality that you know it to be.
But if you are uncertain of your hair color and rely on others to define your hair, then
it will matter what they say.
And you will be easily shaken since the foundation isn't solid, isn't grounded, and same that
if you do something that hurts someone else's feelings and you're not certain that you're
(11:19):
a good person, you may then think you're mean and malicious and question your own value.
Or if you start getting berated at work due to a mistake or two, or because the boss is
a moody bully, you might question your intelligence or your ability to learn new things when in
reality you are trying your absolute best and are a human that is not perfect.
(11:43):
And if someone is mean to you and your feelings are hurt and you're sad, it doesn't mean that
you do not value yourself.
But if one instance is redefining who you are or making you doubt yourself worth, then
I think it is important to sit down and reevaluate.
Revaluate yourself of your core values and who you are and what you live for, what you
(12:09):
work for.
Additionally, it is wise advice that if you don't want someone's advice, don't take
their criticism.
So if you're not looking for someone's advice, if they critique you, you shouldn't really
listen.
This ties back in with the boundaries.
You don't have to tell the preceptor, parent, partner, boss, or friend that you're not going
(12:31):
to withstand three rude comments and then stand up for yourself.
Make a boundary to yourself and then enforce it.
It is up to you whether it is better or not to relay the boundary specifics to the other
party.
Next up, I'll provide some steps into finding your core values and tips on how to enforce
(12:54):
boundaries.
But first, let me tell you about a product that helped when my stomach was so in a twist
and in the beginning of setting boundaries, your stomach's going to be twisted.
But you've heard me talk about this before in 10 non-basic health and healing habits
or practices and that is pre and probiotics, specifically from the brand Seed and their
(13:21):
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I've taken their combined pre and probiotic capsule for over two years now and I've tried
other brands to see if I could find anything better, but nothing has compared to Seed.
It's sadly a myth that if you eat yogurt and drink kombucha, you're getting all the pre
and probiotics you need and other companies don't even tell you the specific strains they're
(13:43):
using.
Whereas Seed is one of the most transparent companies I've ever known.
Their capsules are a combination of pre and probiotics and they're allergen free so there's
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And not only do they help your gut health, but your cardiovascular health, your skin,
(14:04):
inflammation response, and immune response.
Like I said before, my gut health was so wrecked after countless meds, surgeries, and anxiety.
And these little green capsules have helped me get back to a gut baseline and then promoted
my health even further because I had that good foundation so that I could absorb all
the nutrients I needed.
(14:26):
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(14:51):
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Back to the tips for how to find your core values.
So if you're starting from scratch and need to figure out your values or just want to
(15:13):
refresh her, I encourage you to sit down and think of moments in your life that brought
up strong emotions.
Events that made you angry or upset you.
That caused you to think of 700 better comebacks.
Or made you lose sleep or caused resentment towards someone.
And even think of positive emotions.
(15:35):
So events that gave you relief or brought you immense joy.
These big emotions and even little pet peeves are all signs pointing you towards what matters
most to you.
If life felt unbelievably unfair, maybe you value swift justice.
(15:55):
Or if someone hurt you with rudeness, maybe you value kindness and respect.
If someone said something about you that felt untrue to who you are, maybe it's a high value
of yours to have understanding and self respect.
And we can value all of these things, but there will be some that matter more to you
than others.
(16:16):
Could be courage, altruism, honesty, empathy, wisdom, growth or accountability.
There are also random core value quizzes online, but you can even just look up a list of core
values and cross off the ones that don't make your top 10.
And then you can pit the top 10 against each other to get a top five and kind of go from
(16:39):
there and do some deeper digging.
See some patterns in your life and your value.
If you do know your core values and need help setting boundaries, here's some advice.
When setting them in person with someone else, use I statements.
Like I am going to leave if you continue to threaten me.
(16:59):
This gives a clear consequence to an unwanted action.
Meaning that you are going to do so that when you do that action, there will be no surprise.
Be prepared for a poor reaction.
If the situation escalates, will you have to call someone?
Will you have to escape?
That's usually for more unsafe or risky situations.
(17:21):
But have a backup plan.
Have reinforcements for your boundary.
Like if you can't leave, maybe you can go into another room or maybe you can say, give
me an hour instead of trying to go home.
This one for my people pleasers, you gotta listen in.
This is good for everybody though.
Practice saying no.
(17:41):
No is a complete sentence.
No is civil.
No thank you is polite.
No back off sometimes is necessary if not nice.
No F off is mean but it's still a boundary.
Just don't be surprised when someone doesn't react well to it.
So practice saying no.
(18:03):
That's an easy small boundary that you can make.
Another tip is to be flexible.
Boundaries can change.
If they do, it can be helpful to let the other party know if they're involved in your boundary.
But keep this in mind when other people set boundaries.
They can be flexible as well.
This leads into the next point.
(18:24):
You should get comfortable being uncomfortable because having these vulnerable conversations
isn't always easy and it might upset people and you might be upset yourself.
But remind yourself and whoever else that the boundary is an invitation to get closer
and understand the other person better.
Not to punish or push someone away from the relationship.
(18:47):
Again, it's to bring you closer, not push you away.
So if you're setting up a boundary and it just seems like you're putting a wedge between
you and the person, you might want to reconsider if this is a relationship you even want to
be in.
The next part that is vital is respect boundaries.
It means that you respect your own boundaries and reinforce them and then respecting someone
(19:12):
else's because they may need space.
They may ask for you not to be in person or contact them.
But you should use your own discretion to know when someone is enforcing a healthy boundary
and to respect it or when they're using a quote boundary as an excuse for something
else which could be to loosen the relationship, punish you or control you.
(19:37):
And if all else fails, the golden rule is treat others how you would want to be treated.
Simple as that.
Treat others how you would want to be treated.
I think it's important to mention setting boundaries for yourself like enforcing good
habits in your life, especially if you notice yourself falling into self-destructive habits.
(19:59):
This can look like if I don't get to the gym today, I'm going to go on a walk, stretch
or dance to a song so that I move today if you value exercise.
Or since I'm being really hard on myself, I'm going to say five things I like about
myself if you value self-love.
Or if you value growth, I'm going to work on my project for five minutes, allowing
(20:21):
progress over perfection.
And if you're a people pleaser, it's a great lesson to treat yourself how you normally
treat others because you can only love others to the depth that you understand love yourself.
So pour love into yourself and that love will naturally pour out to everyone else.
As a recovering people pleaser, I used to hate the idea of enforcing boundaries.
(20:46):
boundaries often feel like a limitation, one that can usually upset people.
But I found myself resenting others and getting upset with relationships because I ended up
letting friends be mean or disrespect my time and thoughts and use me without ever having
consequences.
It did us both a disservice because the friends would go to their next relationship thinking
(21:11):
they could act in the same way but then lose friendships.
And I would slowly feel more and more drained around them.
And it wasn't that I hated myself and needed someone to walk all over me.
I thought that because I was so sure of my worth that I could just let things run off
my back, no damage, but I learned that you have to teach others how to treat you and
(21:34):
it is up to you to take responsibility for your relationships.
You may not always be able to fix or mend that you have the freedom and the responsibility
to stay or leave.
Learning how to set my own boundaries gave me way more freedom than I thought it ever
could.
And it deepened my already deep relationships and let me lose from people that did not lift
(22:00):
me up or inspire me to be better.
The earlier that you can understand your core values and practice enforcing boundaries,
the better.
Because then you are allowing yourself to be treated the way you want to be treated
and live in your authentic self.
The last piece of advice is how to hold the boundary when others are upset about it or
(22:24):
trying to push your boundary.
When they say something like, well then it's going to be uncomfortable or we don't have
that much time left as a family so you should just put up with it, you can say I'm comfortable
with that or I'm willing to be uncomfortable to keep my boundary because that's the truth
of it all.
You're willing to go through all of this in order to keep yourself and your values safe
(22:49):
and to keep yourself in the relationship.
If they're saying that you don't care, you can remind them that you do care and you
care so much that you're willing to have the conversation with them and show them grace
through your intention.
If someone is trying to guilt trip you, remind yourself that it is not up to you to protect
(23:10):
both your own values and their emotions.
You can remind them that they should also be taking your emotions into consideration
because it goes both ways.
It's not always that easy.
Always compromising on a boundary and a relationship is healthy and sometimes you need to make an
excuse if you're in an unsafe situation and not stay a boundary.
(23:34):
But take heed of this.
When negotiating a boundary, you are loosening your core values.
You've got to be firm in your boundaries and that's why it is so vital to understand what
you're trying to protect or else everyone's going to be confused and there's way more
(23:55):
opportunities for hurt and resentment and that's the last thing we want.
The last tip is that if you're uncomfortable, you're probably doing it right and that as
much as it sucks, practice accepting disappointment.
That doesn't mean that you should be constantly disappointed but disappointment will happen
(24:16):
and you will disappoint others.
It's just human nature.
But the sooner you can accept disappointment, the sooner you can move forward and take action.
Some reminders are going forward.
You should not have to ask for respect.
You should not have to withstand bullying and you should not let someone else steal
(24:38):
your joy every time you interact with them.
Just because you get used to the smell of someone else's BS doesn't mean you're out
of the stinky situation.
If I stinky, I mean a bad word but I'm trying not to cuss in this series.
Finally you deserve respect.
You deserve love.
You deserve a life you love living.
(25:01):
Have some extra grace and compassion when enforcing boundaries for others and most importantly
for yourself.
Today we covered how boundaries are vital for protecting our values, our self-worth,
and our relationships.
Setting boundaries isn't about pushing people away but about creating space for healthier
(25:22):
connections, whether with others or yourself.
It's up to you to know what you value, communicate those boundaries, and enforce them.
Remember that boundaries give us the freedom to live authentically and help others understand
how we want to be treated.
Stay grounded in your values and don't be afraid to protect what matters most.
(25:46):
I hope that if you didn't learn something new or feel inspired that you're at least
feeling proud of yourself for enforcing your own boundaries and taking care of yourself
and your relationships.
Thank you for listening.
Here's to your values, to boundaries, and here's to getting better.
(26:07):
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Bye.
I'm Savannah Harding and this is Getting Better.
(00:16):
Hi!
Welcome back to Getting Better, a podcast about health and healing.
And in my journey of health and healing, this particular subject took a lot of practice
and self-love in the form of self-preservation.
Today we are talking about boundaries and personal values.
(00:38):
Because if you don't know what you're protecting, it's difficult to know in what way you need
to set up protection.
Boundaries as annoying and uncomfortable as they can be keep your desires safe and keep
relationships afloat.
And having to set them is not a bad sign.
(01:00):
In fact, it means that you care so much about keeping a relationship or at least being able
to interact with the other party in a civil way that you are willing to put in work and
limitations to keep the relationship, again, including specific relationships with yourself.
In dealing with chronic pain, illness, or hardship, you learn pretty quickly how to be disciplined
(01:23):
in the practices that help and hurt you.
And though it's sometimes hard to control your own actions, it is nearly impossible
to control the actions of others.
And when you're in a sensitive state, it's pretty common that you will have to be more
disciplined and set more boundaries in your life.
And though limitations suck and verbalizing your needs to your friends, family, partners,
(01:48):
and strangers can be vulnerable and uncomfortable, boundaries will give you the protection, space,
and understanding you need to live the life you want while protecting your virtues and
self.
Boundaries are guidelines that show others how you want to be treated.
It's up to the boundary maker to uphold and reinforce that boundary.
(02:10):
It sucks that you must not only create and protect that which you hold dear, but also
enforce and carry out consequences when others put your values at risk.
But it makes sense because when you have a home, whose job is it to protect the house?
It's not the job of the burglar, nor the new guest, not even the bestie who lives there
(02:32):
half the time.
It is up to you to protect your own home, your heart, your life.
It's not up to the intruder to know where to stop.
It's up to you to build the fence, create a boundary, and enforce the consequences of
someone hops the fence.
Ever since I heard someone explain boundaries like this, I can't forget it.
(02:53):
So if you're in an elevator with a child, let's say it's your child, and they always
press every elevator button, making you stop at each floor, and you don't want them to
press them, you can set a boundary and say, I don't want you to press the buttons when
I'm in the elevator with you.
You've stated the boundary, and now it's time for you to enforce it.
So you must stand in between the child and the buttons and say, I'm going to stand here
(03:17):
in between you and the buttons so that you do not press them.
The difference between stating and enforcing a boundary is taking action.
You can say, hey, don't push the buttons, which is also saying, don't push my buttons.
But unless there is a consequential action, you will not be holding your boundary.
(03:39):
It is up to you to enforce your own boundaries.
It is up to others whether or not they will be respectful in their attitude toward your
boundary because try as hard as you can.
You cannot control their reaction.
And I believe this is an important distinction when it comes to boundaries.
(03:59):
Boundaries aren't protecting you from being triggered because that is often out of your
control.
Boundaries are to protect your self-appointed values so that when you are triggered, you
will have the enforcements so that you will not stoop to a lower level or go into a spiral
or lose your cool or take an unnecessary risk or even do or say something that you might
(04:25):
regret.
So I'll say that again, boundaries aren't going to make you not triggered, not have
an emotional reaction.
It's so that when you are triggered, when someone does something that does provoke this reaction
in you, you will not act or lose your self-worth in a way that you will regret or that will
(04:46):
put something you value at risk.
Boundaries are guidelines that show others how you want to be treated.
But if you don't know how you want to be treated, how can you expect others to know?
This is where it gets deeper because you might not know your values, what you're trying
(05:06):
to protect.
You might be going through life just testing out the waters to see where on the spectrum
you lie, the spectrum of good or bad, appropriate or inappropriate, and so on.
And that is okay, but when someone starts to trigger your anger, sadness, shame, etc.
and you don't have a value set to protect, you then risk accepting things that aren't
(05:31):
good for you or reacting in ways that aren't actually beneficial to the existing relationship.
Boundary and value can seem like very vague terms, but let me give you some examples.
If someone is saying rude or unkind things to you or speaking in a rude tone, you protect
your value of respect and of kindness by saying, if you continue to speak to me in that tone
(05:57):
or in that way, I will not participate in this conversation.
You can add, when you want to speak respectfully to me, you can try calling me tomorrow, but
now you know my boundary.
But you don't have to stonewall someone for a boundary to be set by providing another
opportunity for the other person to interact using the boundary.
It will show whether or not they heard you and have changed their actions to interact
(06:21):
within those limits, within that boundary.
Let's say if you have value of your own time and work life balance and your boss asks you
to come in on a day off, you have to decide where that boundary lies and it's up to you
to relay the boundary to them.
You could be totally fine with working every single day of your life, scheduled or not,
(06:43):
but it's not up to your boss to not ask you to come in.
It's up to you to enforce a boundary.
And usually there are signs that a boundary is needed when you find yourself getting angry
when someone requests something of you or when you start resenting a person on repeat
or a small comment pushes you over the edge or you feel drained instead of filled after
(07:09):
being with someone.
And the point of a boundary is trying to stop an action before it can affect your own actions
because like I said, you can't control your triggered emotions, but you can control your
reactions.
Boundaries do not always have to be told to the other person, thing or event.
(07:31):
Boundaries do have to be cleared to you because you're the one who will be digging the moat,
building a wall or packing your bags to leave.
No one is going to guess your boundary.
And part of a boundary is telling yourself how many times you're okay reinforcing it
because a repeated break of a boundary means you have a gate up, but you're letting that
(07:55):
person in again and again.
And if you let them hop the fence every other time, you're saying that you only hold this
value every so often.
And maybe that's a time where you need to revisit your own values and reconsider your
boundary.
Boundaries protect yourself worth your personal values and what you are willing to accept.
(08:19):
Creating a boundary in a relationship may seem unkind or uncaring when it is in fact the
opposite.
A boundary means that you care so much about the relationship that you are willing to have
uncomfortable conversations and spend your time enforcing boundaries so that you can
continue being together.
(08:40):
Now everything in moderation, because if you notice yourself in constant defense mode,
you are protecting yourself.
And when you're protecting, you're not connecting in your relationship.
I'll repeat that again because it's so important, not just with boundaries, but in everything.
When you're actively protecting yourself, you are not connecting with someone else.
(09:04):
So if you notice yourself in constant defense mode all the time with another person, it
might be time to reevaluate whether or not you actually want to continue interacting
with that person.
And that's where it gets really, really hard to make a decision when you have to kind of
cut someone out from your life.
(09:24):
But that's what boundaries are helping us do.
It's helping us give some space and some reconsideration to see whether or not it's worth continuing
enforcing a boundary because it takes effort, it takes energy, and it takes a lot of emotional
consideration as well.
And it sucks when you have to enforce a boundary.
(09:45):
But if the other person is respectful in understanding, you should only have to do it once or twice
so they get what your values are and do not act against them.
It's also up to them to decide whether or not to continue the relationship after that.
It sucks when people can't understand or actively choose to go against your boundaries.
(10:06):
But what sucks even more is slowly losing your self-worth, questioning your own values,
or being gaslit or controlled because you're not sure of your own worth or reality.
Grounding yourself and reminding yourself of your values, your core values, helps you
live a life that you are proud of so that you can live confidently in your actions and
(10:31):
beliefs and not be swayed easily by a bully.
And speaking of bullies, I always like to think of this.
Let's say you have normal colored hair and someone comes up to you and says, oh my gosh,
your purple hair is so ugly.
I bet no one likes you because of your purple hair.
You might check a mirror just to check.
But odds are that you will know you don't have purple hair and so the criticism won't
(10:56):
hurt you because it's not the reality that you know it to be.
But if you are uncertain of your hair color and rely on others to define your hair, then
it will matter what they say.
And you will be easily shaken since the foundation isn't solid, isn't grounded, and same that
if you do something that hurts someone else's feelings and you're not certain that you're
(11:19):
a good person, you may then think you're mean and malicious and question your own value.
Or if you start getting berated at work due to a mistake or two, or because the boss is
a moody bully, you might question your intelligence or your ability to learn new things when in
reality you are trying your absolute best and are a human that is not perfect.
(11:43):
And if someone is mean to you and your feelings are hurt and you're sad, it doesn't mean that
you do not value yourself.
But if one instance is redefining who you are or making you doubt yourself worth, then
I think it is important to sit down and reevaluate.
Revaluate yourself of your core values and who you are and what you live for, what you
(12:09):
work for.
Additionally, it is wise advice that if you don't want someone's advice, don't take
their criticism.
So if you're not looking for someone's advice, if they critique you, you shouldn't really
listen.
This ties back in with the boundaries.
You don't have to tell the preceptor, parent, partner, boss, or friend that you're not going
(12:31):
to withstand three rude comments and then stand up for yourself.
Make a boundary to yourself and then enforce it.
It is up to you whether it is better or not to relay the boundary specifics to the other
party.
Next up, I'll provide some steps into finding your core values and tips on how to enforce
(12:54):
boundaries.
But first, let me tell you about a product that helped when my stomach was so in a twist
and in the beginning of setting boundaries, your stomach's going to be twisted.
But you've heard me talk about this before in 10 non-basic health and healing habits
or practices and that is pre and probiotics, specifically from the brand Seed and their
(13:21):
symbiotic capsule.
I've taken their combined pre and probiotic capsule for over two years now and I've tried
other brands to see if I could find anything better, but nothing has compared to Seed.
It's sadly a myth that if you eat yogurt and drink kombucha, you're getting all the pre
and probiotics you need and other companies don't even tell you the specific strains they're
(13:43):
using.
Whereas Seed is one of the most transparent companies I've ever known.
Their capsules are a combination of pre and probiotics and they're allergen free so there's
no gluten, dairy, soy, nuts, corn, fish, etc.
And not only do they help your gut health, but your cardiovascular health, your skin,
(14:04):
inflammation response, and immune response.
Like I said before, my gut health was so wrecked after countless meds, surgeries, and anxiety.
And these little green capsules have helped me get back to a gut baseline and then promoted
my health even further because I had that good foundation so that I could absorb all
the nutrients I needed.
(14:26):
Use code SEVANA for 15% off your first order.
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And what's really cool is how sustainable their packaging is too because if you buy from
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And if you get your capsules on seed.com you get compostable refills straight to your door.
(14:51):
And this is a commission code to save you some cash when investing in your health with
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So again use S-A-V-A-N-N-A-H for 15% off at seed.com.
Back to the tips for how to find your core values.
So if you're starting from scratch and need to figure out your values or just want to
(15:13):
refresh her, I encourage you to sit down and think of moments in your life that brought
up strong emotions.
Events that made you angry or upset you.
That caused you to think of 700 better comebacks.
Or made you lose sleep or caused resentment towards someone.
And even think of positive emotions.
(15:35):
So events that gave you relief or brought you immense joy.
These big emotions and even little pet peeves are all signs pointing you towards what matters
most to you.
If life felt unbelievably unfair, maybe you value swift justice.
(15:55):
Or if someone hurt you with rudeness, maybe you value kindness and respect.
If someone said something about you that felt untrue to who you are, maybe it's a high value
of yours to have understanding and self respect.
And we can value all of these things, but there will be some that matter more to you
than others.
(16:16):
Could be courage, altruism, honesty, empathy, wisdom, growth or accountability.
There are also random core value quizzes online, but you can even just look up a list of core
values and cross off the ones that don't make your top 10.
And then you can pit the top 10 against each other to get a top five and kind of go from
(16:39):
there and do some deeper digging.
See some patterns in your life and your value.
If you do know your core values and need help setting boundaries, here's some advice.
When setting them in person with someone else, use I statements.
Like I am going to leave if you continue to threaten me.
(16:59):
This gives a clear consequence to an unwanted action.
Meaning that you are going to do so that when you do that action, there will be no surprise.
Be prepared for a poor reaction.
If the situation escalates, will you have to call someone?
Will you have to escape?
That's usually for more unsafe or risky situations.
(17:21):
But have a backup plan.
Have reinforcements for your boundary.
Like if you can't leave, maybe you can go into another room or maybe you can say, give
me an hour instead of trying to go home.
This one for my people pleasers, you gotta listen in.
This is good for everybody though.
Practice saying no.
(17:41):
No is a complete sentence.
No is civil.
No thank you is polite.
No back off sometimes is necessary if not nice.
No F off is mean but it's still a boundary.
Just don't be surprised when someone doesn't react well to it.
So practice saying no.
(18:03):
That's an easy small boundary that you can make.
Another tip is to be flexible.
Boundaries can change.
If they do, it can be helpful to let the other party know if they're involved in your boundary.
But keep this in mind when other people set boundaries.
They can be flexible as well.
This leads into the next point.
(18:24):
You should get comfortable being uncomfortable because having these vulnerable conversations
isn't always easy and it might upset people and you might be upset yourself.
But remind yourself and whoever else that the boundary is an invitation to get closer
and understand the other person better.
Not to punish or push someone away from the relationship.
(18:47):
Again, it's to bring you closer, not push you away.
So if you're setting up a boundary and it just seems like you're putting a wedge between
you and the person, you might want to reconsider if this is a relationship you even want to
be in.
The next part that is vital is respect boundaries.
It means that you respect your own boundaries and reinforce them and then respecting someone
(19:12):
else's because they may need space.
They may ask for you not to be in person or contact them.
But you should use your own discretion to know when someone is enforcing a healthy boundary
and to respect it or when they're using a quote boundary as an excuse for something
else which could be to loosen the relationship, punish you or control you.
(19:37):
And if all else fails, the golden rule is treat others how you would want to be treated.
Simple as that.
Treat others how you would want to be treated.
I think it's important to mention setting boundaries for yourself like enforcing good
habits in your life, especially if you notice yourself falling into self-destructive habits.
(19:59):
This can look like if I don't get to the gym today, I'm going to go on a walk, stretch
or dance to a song so that I move today if you value exercise.
Or since I'm being really hard on myself, I'm going to say five things I like about
myself if you value self-love.
Or if you value growth, I'm going to work on my project for five minutes, allowing
(20:21):
progress over perfection.
And if you're a people pleaser, it's a great lesson to treat yourself how you normally
treat others because you can only love others to the depth that you understand love yourself.
So pour love into yourself and that love will naturally pour out to everyone else.
As a recovering people pleaser, I used to hate the idea of enforcing boundaries.
(20:46):
boundaries often feel like a limitation, one that can usually upset people.
But I found myself resenting others and getting upset with relationships because I ended up
letting friends be mean or disrespect my time and thoughts and use me without ever having
consequences.
It did us both a disservice because the friends would go to their next relationship thinking
(21:11):
they could act in the same way but then lose friendships.
And I would slowly feel more and more drained around them.
And it wasn't that I hated myself and needed someone to walk all over me.
I thought that because I was so sure of my worth that I could just let things run off
my back, no damage, but I learned that you have to teach others how to treat you and
(21:34):
it is up to you to take responsibility for your relationships.
You may not always be able to fix or mend that you have the freedom and the responsibility
to stay or leave.
Learning how to set my own boundaries gave me way more freedom than I thought it ever
could.
And it deepened my already deep relationships and let me lose from people that did not lift
(22:00):
me up or inspire me to be better.
The earlier that you can understand your core values and practice enforcing boundaries,
the better.
Because then you are allowing yourself to be treated the way you want to be treated
and live in your authentic self.
The last piece of advice is how to hold the boundary when others are upset about it or
(22:24):
trying to push your boundary.
When they say something like, well then it's going to be uncomfortable or we don't have
that much time left as a family so you should just put up with it, you can say I'm comfortable
with that or I'm willing to be uncomfortable to keep my boundary because that's the truth
of it all.
You're willing to go through all of this in order to keep yourself and your values safe
(22:49):
and to keep yourself in the relationship.
If they're saying that you don't care, you can remind them that you do care and you
care so much that you're willing to have the conversation with them and show them grace
through your intention.
If someone is trying to guilt trip you, remind yourself that it is not up to you to protect
(23:10):
both your own values and their emotions.
You can remind them that they should also be taking your emotions into consideration
because it goes both ways.
It's not always that easy.
Always compromising on a boundary and a relationship is healthy and sometimes you need to make an
excuse if you're in an unsafe situation and not stay a boundary.
(23:34):
But take heed of this.
When negotiating a boundary, you are loosening your core values.
You've got to be firm in your boundaries and that's why it is so vital to understand what
you're trying to protect or else everyone's going to be confused and there's way more
(23:55):
opportunities for hurt and resentment and that's the last thing we want.
The last tip is that if you're uncomfortable, you're probably doing it right and that as
much as it sucks, practice accepting disappointment.
That doesn't mean that you should be constantly disappointed but disappointment will happen
(24:16):
and you will disappoint others.
It's just human nature.
But the sooner you can accept disappointment, the sooner you can move forward and take action.
Some reminders are going forward.
You should not have to ask for respect.
You should not have to withstand bullying and you should not let someone else steal
(24:38):
your joy every time you interact with them.
Just because you get used to the smell of someone else's BS doesn't mean you're out
of the stinky situation.
If I stinky, I mean a bad word but I'm trying not to cuss in this series.
Finally you deserve respect.
You deserve love.
You deserve a life you love living.
(25:01):
Have some extra grace and compassion when enforcing boundaries for others and most importantly
for yourself.
Today we covered how boundaries are vital for protecting our values, our self-worth,
and our relationships.
Setting boundaries isn't about pushing people away but about creating space for healthier
(25:22):
connections, whether with others or yourself.
It's up to you to know what you value, communicate those boundaries, and enforce them.
Remember that boundaries give us the freedom to live authentically and help others understand
how we want to be treated.
Stay grounded in your values and don't be afraid to protect what matters most.
(25:46):
I hope that if you didn't learn something new or feel inspired that you're at least
feeling proud of yourself for enforcing your own boundaries and taking care of yourself
and your relationships.
Thank you for listening.
Here's to your values, to boundaries, and here's to getting better.
(26:07):
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Bye.
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