What to Say (and Not Say) After Suicide: Supporting Grieving Loved Ones with Compassion

After a suicide, words can either comfort and connect — or cut and cause more pain. In this powerful episode of Giving Voice to Depression, journalist and suicide loss survivor Deb Sherwood shares her personal experience navigating the unthinkable grief following her husband’s death by suicide — and the devastating impact of well-intentioned but hurtful comments from doctors, therapists, and friends.

Deb speaks candidly about the importance of language, how certain phrases can retraumatize survivors, and why learning to listen with empathy matters more than trying to “fix” someone’s grief. She also offers insight into what actually helps — from specific gestures of support to the healing power of peer connection through suicide loss groups.

This episode reminds listeners that compassion doesn’t require perfect words — just presence, respect, and kindness.

Primary Topics Covered:

• Why words matter after suicide loss
• Common phrases that unintentionally harm grieving survivors
• How stigma and silence deepen pain after suicide
• The role of doctors and therapists in trauma-informed care
• How to approach someone grieving a suicide loss with compassion
• The value of specific help over vague offers (“Can I bring dinner Tuesday?” vs. “Let me know if you need anything”)
• Creating memorials and memory books to honor loved ones
• How suicide loss support groups foster understanding and healing
• The three-question rule before speaking: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?

Timestamps:

00:00 – Introduction: Why conversations about suicide matter
 01:26 – Introducing journalist and suicide loss survivor Deb Sherwood
 02:50 – Stigma and secrecy after suicide loss
 03:58 – The impact of harmful words from medical professionals
 05:14 – When therapy retraumatizes instead of heals
 06:42 – How insensitive questions intensify grief
 08:01 – Why people assume strength means lack of pain
 09:35 – Understanding curiosity vs. intrusion in suicide loss
 10:13 – Losing friendships after judgmental comments
 11:05 – Hurtful remarks that add trauma (“You didn’t see it coming?” “He took the easy way out”)
 12:25 – Words that help: empathy, memory-sharing, and specific offers of support
 13:46 – Creating a memory book to honor a loved one’s life
 14:48 – Encouraging people to share positive stories and memories
 15:03 – Living with unanswered questions and learning self-forgiveness
 16:08 – The “Is it true, necessary, kind?” test for sensitive conversations
 16:58 – How support groups create safe spaces for suicide loss survivors
 17:48 – Finding the right therapist or counselor who respects grief
 18:22 – Final reflections: listening, compassion, and language that heals

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