A Psychic's Wild and Inspiring Journey to Nirvana

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (01:15):
I had been in a very dark place for a very long time.
My spirit guides had been tryingto get my attention for years.
They were now urgently beggingme to wake up.
It was 2019, and they told methat the world was about to go

(01:37):
through a global shock, atrauma, and that I needed to
help the collective.
But first, I had to finally helpmyself.
Let me take you back to the verybeginning when I decided that

(02:01):
this would be my lastreincarnation.
I was in the ethers, thein-between.
Somewhere among the stars.
We were planning my nextincarnation.
I wanted it to be my lastrebirth.

(02:22):
My guides asked me several timesif I was sure.
You see, I had many lessons tolearn.
Lessons as old as the time ofthe Egyptians.
Apparently, I'm a stubbornspirit.
They reminded me again that Iwas choosing a very difficult

(02:42):
experience.
That I was trying to learn manylessons in this lifetime.
Some of them were painful.
Apparently, I wasn't juststubborn, but a bit of a rebel.
So of course, I said yes.
Boy, was I in for a ride.

(03:08):
I remembered that conversationwith my spirit guides before I
was born.
In this body, in this life.
I remembered it in my crib.
I've remembered it my wholelife.
I was born in Germany in 1969,uh, to a small military family,

(03:29):
very common back then.
My father was kind of a mess.
He was an alcoholic, and mymother was a woman of her times,
undereducated and overwhelmed,and had very little family
support.
Uh and it would be in Germany,uh, as a toddler, I wasn't even

(03:51):
quite two, that I would have myfirst psychic experience in this
lifetime.
I was not not even two, and Iwas in my crib, and I remember
this very well and very vividly.
I was dreaming, and I could seemy mother in what was the

(04:15):
bathroom, and there was bloodeverywhere, and I knew in my
dream that she was in severedanger.
It was a very serious situation,and I came awake immediately
with my adult eyes and a child'sbody, which I think is so true
for so many of us who whoremember before uh coming back.

(04:38):
And uh I remember climbing outof the crib, you know, I was
still quite wobbly at that age,and dropping down to the floor
and making my way through thehouse.
I still feel the wall uh becauseI was holding myself up so I
could keep going, and uh thewall leading to the bathroom,

(05:00):
and of course I got to thebathroom door, and I knew what I
would see before I opened it,and I'm I'm kind of glad I did
because it was kind of a horrorshow for a child.
But um, there was bloodeverywhere, and she was in a
very serious state, and it wasmy cries that actually brought
help.
Anyway, not long after thatexperience, my father would get

(05:23):
into an accident on the Audubonand break almost every bone in
his body, and you know, themedication back then for an
addict, it was just a recipe fordisaster, and not long after
that, we were back in theStates, and he, you know,
tutored off to uh exercise hisdemons.
And my mother was left withthree daughters and no

(05:44):
education, no family support,and we were homeless.
We were living in the car.
And I remember my mother's fearand her sorrow very well.
She made a decision that Iactually really appreciate
because I believe it saved us inmany ways.

(06:06):
She decided to put us in St.
Peter's Home for Children, whichwas a Catholic orphanage in
Memphis, right down the streetfrom Graceland.
It was this big, huge, ramblingorphanage run by Catholic nuns,
and what an extraordinaryexperience.
Anyway, that is where I spent myformative years.

(06:33):
I remember the nuns at St.
Peter's very well.
They were they fell into threecategories.
There was like the mean, angrynun who liked to beat kids.
And I got my backside capedquite a bit.
Uh, what can I say?
I was I was a rebel.
Uh, and there were you know,nuns who just seemed like they
didn't really want to be thereat all.

(06:53):
And then there were incrediblepeople like Sister Anne
Elizabeth, who was my firstexperience with a light worker
in this lifetime.
She was extraordinary.
She took care of the sickestbabies that had very little time
on earth, and she would lovethem and care for them and give

(07:18):
them this extraordinary energy.
I remember once watching herwith one of the babies who
didn't have long to live, and Iremember seeing that her hands
and her head glowed, and herability to be present for these
children was an incrediblypowerful lesson for me.

(07:38):
Especially juxtaposed with the,you know, uh uh nuns who were
not so nice.
Anyway, uh I uh I had anincredible uh experience living
at St.
Peter's.
You know, I I there was therigidity of the way that the
nuns liked to run the placebecause they love to do a lot of
praying, cooking, and cleaning.

(07:58):
And then there was the freedomthat I would have when they
would be doing those things.
I would sneak out of St.
Peter's and I would run all overMemphis.
I had a huge thing for rooftops.
I remember learning how to doparkour with some of the other
kids.
And um actually parkour saved myuh backside at one point.

(08:19):
You know, back in the early 70s,and I think this is hard for
people to imagine now, if youlived in a really bad
neighborhood, and at the timeMemphis was the murder capital
of the United States, uh, a lotof crime, a lot of danger.
The number of times that I hadto escape kidnapping attempts
from bad men, it would shockchildren today.
It was a regular occurrence.

(08:40):
And at one point I had reallycaught the eye of a particular
group of men, and I remember uhthem chasing me uh into a
building, and uh it was theparkour that I had learned to do
with the other kids.
Now, it wasn't called that backthen, but it has since been
labeled parkour.
Um, it was basically turning abuilding into a jungle gym, but

(09:01):
uh I used that the my parkourskills to escape them, and thank
goodness I did because they uhit was very obvious to me even
as a kid that they were planningon doing something really
horrible to me.
Uh I had um beautifulexperiences with some of the
more colorful characters inMemphis, you know, running
around uh a city like that.
I got to know some of theprostitutes and the street

(09:23):
musicians, and uh that was anextraordinary experience.
Uh I would have uh an encounterwith the mayor of Memphis at a
very young age.
You know, the uh St.
Peter's needed to raise money alot, so they would use me as a
model in their model, the orphanmodel.

(09:45):
Uh they would use me as a model,you know, I was free, and I was
there uh in their shoots andcampaigns, and one of those
involved Elvis.
And I remember very distinctlybeing brought to the front gates
at the time they had these kindof dramatic gates in front of uh
St.
Peter's.
And uh uh, I could feel fromeverybody that was there that
this was a big moment and thiswas this man was a big deal, but

(10:06):
I didn't really understand whohe was at that age.
Uh of course, not long afterthat, I would figure out who he
was.
But um it was a it was anextreme experience.
I was in one building, my sisterwas in another, and my youngest
sister couldn't stay at St.
Peter's for long because she wastoo young.
So she lived with my mother.
Um, and uh I think the mostpowerful experience that I had

(10:30):
at St.
Peter's would be um a psychicexperience that I had.
Again, something that happenedin my sleep, and I I have always
understood that it was um apsychic experience that my
spirit guides were helping mewith.
You know, orphanages and placeslike that that can be attractive

(10:56):
to people with bad intentions.
And I remember going to sleepone night in my room, and I was
awoken by a dream of very badmen coming to St.
Peter's, and I remember seeingthem enter the building in my
dream, and I came awake and Iknew that I needed to hide.

(11:23):
And I wanted to save other kidstoo, because I didn't want any,
you know, I wanted to save asmany of the kids as I could.
And so me and some of the otherchildren communicated with our
eyes, with our energytelepathically, and we hid.
I'm getting chills all over mybody, and we hid, and I thank

(11:44):
goodness we did because whatthose men were coming there to
do was as bad as you canpossibly imagine.
And it wouldn't be the only timethey would come there.
I remember not long after that,um, I came awake again, having
that same experience where I sawthem entering the building, and
I came awake and I was I wasterrified.

(12:05):
I really was, even though I hadthe the eyes and energy of an
adult that was tiny.
And again, uh the kids and Iorganized.
There were two kids inparticular that I remember being
very helpful uh in you know ourefforts to get as many kids
hidden as possible.
And we were the ones that reallycommunicated uh the most with uh

(12:25):
our telepathy.
Anyway, we hid in thesebathrooms, they had these high
tubs in the bathrooms at St.
Peter's.
The nuns wanted to be able tostand and bathe the kids, and so
they were these really gianttubs, and I remember laying in
the bottom of that tub andhiding there and trying really
hard not to think about what washappening to some of the other
children.

(12:47):
Anyway, uh, you know, I keptreminding myself uh that I had
chosen to be here, that therewere lessons to learn, that uh
that I could do what I could tohelp, um, you know, but that I
had I had decided that I wouldcome here and learn as much as I
could.
And so I used those years uh inthe orphanage um to try to ask

(13:11):
questions, to develop myself, tolearn uh as much as I could.
Uh and it would come in veryhandy later on.
You know, a lot of the questionsI asked, a lot of the spiritual
experiences I had, they werevery fundamental in giving me
the tools to survive later on.
By the late 70s, my motherfinally was able to get us back.

(13:40):
She proved to the state that youknow she had a job and a big
enough apartment and had a youknow a good future ahead of her.
And so finally, uh the wholefamily was back together.
Um, we hadn't been togethersince we were living in the car
when I was really young.
And now uh all of us were livingin a small apartment in Memphis,
Tennessee.

(14:01):
My mother was working all thetime, and I remember being very
aware that we were trying tofigure out how to live as a
family.
Um, but it was awkward.
You know, my mother wasoverwhelmed, my older sister was
really angry, and my youngersister was very resentful
because she went from being, youknow, the baby between her and

(14:22):
just my mom, and now all of asudden she had two siblings to
compete with.
So it was kind of an awkwardtime.
We tried to make the best of it,but there was a lot of
turbulence under the surface.
Uh, I was very perplexed by myolder sister.
When we were living in St.
Peter's in separate buildings,at one point I had snuck to see

(14:43):
her, thinking that she would bereally happy to see me, and she
wasn't at all.
Uh, as a matter of fact, Iremember being really struck by
how happy she was that I hadgotten uh in trouble for
sneaking out to see her, and itwas the her joy at me getting in
trouble that really disturbedme, and that did not change when

(15:04):
we finally moved into the samehousehold together.
She still had that anger, and itmade me very afraid of her.
I wanted to understand where itcame from.
I couldn't understand how twokids could be born into the same
family and be so different.
Uh, anyway, we tried to make thebest of it.

(15:24):
You know, it was the late 70s,early 80s, MTV was dawning on
the scene, and it was about tochange things up dramatically.
Uh, music, which had always beenan important part of my life,
took on a newfound importance,and I was really exploring with
my spirit guides.
I was still speaking to themregularly.

(15:44):
They were really helping toguide me towards books and
people that would be influentialin my life.
They were with me when I wasmeditating, which was something
I had understood how to do fromthe very time I was old enough
to sit in uh easy pose andmeditate.

(16:06):
Uh, and so I was really startingto grow and bloom.
I I the rebellious spirit wasraising its ugly head.
Right about this time, I wouldhave my next like major psychic
experience.
I had a dream.
It was a really strange dream,that I was in a very odd kind of

(16:28):
hallway, and there were twoyoung girls there that I didn't
know, and I was jumping rope inthis bizarre hallway in an
outfit that I would not normallywear.
Uh, and I was in roller skates.
It was such a distinct dream,and I remember going up onto the

(16:48):
roof where I spent a lot oftime.
Uh, rooftops have always been abig deal for me.
I've escaped to them at St.
Peter's.
I would go onto the rooftops ofdowntown Memphis, and living
with my mom, I would go to thetop of the roof on the third
floor, and I kind of had my ownlittle like hovel, if you will,
up there, blanket, uh pillow.
I kept my diary up there.

(17:10):
I would bring water up there andread and talk to my spirit
guides and stare at the sky andhave existential conversations
with my spirit guides and uhthink about life.
Anyway, I went up on the roofand I wrote about the dream that
I had.
And I've stuffed the li the thediary back in uh the little box,
the metal box that I had kept itin that was on the roof, and a

(17:35):
few weeks went by, and it was mybirthday, and I remember uh
getting roller skates for mybirthday, which I was really
excited about, and they camewith a box of uh donations that
the church had gotten, which waskind of common.
The church was constantlydropping off donations for the
poor Elliots.
Uh anyway, um I remember pullingout the clothes and I came

(18:00):
across a really cute kind ofoutfit.
It was very frilly, notsomething I would normally wear.
And I put it on, I put on my newroller skates, and I went
outside and skated theneighborhood, and I came across
this young girl that I had neverknown before, and she asked me
if I wanted to come over to herhouse and play with her and her
sister, and I said, Absolutely,let's do it.
So I followed her to where shelived, and they lived in an

(18:22):
apartment that had what iscalled a breezeway, where the
mailboxes and the apartmentdoors face each other.
Anyway, um, she went in to gether sister, and when they came
out, her sister was holding arope, a jump rope.
And I remember already gettingthis really strange feeling,

(18:43):
which would become very commonif you're an empath or
intuitive, you know what I'mtalking about already.
I just got this very strangefeeling of like, this feels very
familiar.
And they started tossing therope, and I jumped in there, and
I started jumping rope, wearingthat frilly little outfit and
those roller skates, and Iremember suddenly being just

(19:07):
seized with this almost anxietybecause it was so powerful and
it was so distinctive, and Istopped jumping, and I remember
looking down at my outfit, and Ihad to sit down because I was so
shocked.
And I remember running home,well, skating home, and going to

(19:32):
the roof and opening up my diaryand reading about the dream that
I'd had and thinking to myself,if I tell people about this,
they're gonna think I'm crazy.
Um anyway, I spoke to my spiritguides about it, and they told
me it was natural, and you know,I was I was in this, I was

(19:57):
starting to tussle between thatinnocent, beautiful spirit that
came back to reincarnate andthis young little girl that was
growing up in uh unusualcircumstances with very little
role models, and you know, therewas this sort of push-pull that
was beginning to take place inmy life.
Anyway, um not long after that,uh a woman moved in next door to

(20:24):
us, and I remember her sodistinctly.
She had these incredibly longbraids that went all the way to
her waist, and she was veryexotic looking.
And I understood that this womanwas a shaman.
And when I got the chance tofinally communicate with her,
she told me she'd been broughtthere for me, which was a very

(20:45):
fascinating thing to hear atthat age, and that she was there
to teach me.
And I remember her teaching meabout herbs, and she was
teaching me about uh preparingfood and the healthiest
possible.
The way she was using adehydrator in Memphis, Tennessee
in the early 80s.
It was like so unheard of.
Eating carob and uh driedbananas, and it was fascinating.

(21:08):
And uh she was a powerfulpresent and experience at that
point in my life because I wasturning 13 and um I was really
beginning to struggle with thatthis this version of me, this
young girl who was rebelliousand dealing with a lot of
strange circumstances, and umthis beautiful spirit that came

(21:33):
to earth to learn.
And so I was doing both.
I was trying to remember who Iwas and what I came here for and
learn the lessons that I had tolearn.
I understood a lot of thechallenges that were going on in
my life, were there to teach mewhile simultaneously, you know,
being part of the MTV generationand wanting to listen to music

(21:53):
and go to rock concerts and uhand be a total rebel.
And uh, and and frankly, Ileaned towards the rebel.
Uh, I remember not long after uhthe shaman I dropped acid and
asked a million existentialquestions, and um, I was really
rebelling rebelling, I wasgetting into a lot of fights,

(22:16):
and I was starting to get angryabout a lot of the things that I
was experiencing and dealingwith.
Uh, there was a lot of danger inMemphis, a lot of unhealthy
experiences that that definitelycame my way.
And, you know, I I wanted both.
I wanted to learn and learn thelessons, but I also wanted to be

(22:37):
a teenager.
Uh anyway, this would be themost one of the most powerful
and important years of my life.
The summer I turned 13, I gotinto multiple car accidents, got
thrown from a horse, fell fromthe third floor of a building,
uh, had my existential acidmoment, and um um I got into a

(22:58):
really serious car accident,which would be my it would
actually be my next majorpsychic experience where I was
picking up on the energies ofthe universe and and reading um
in into the future.
We were in a big station wagonuh on our way out to Shelby
Farms, which is outside ofMemphis.

(23:18):
It was like the be the localbeach, if you will.
And um I remember being in thestation wagon and being
uncomfortable, like somethingwas really bothering me.
We stopped to get gas at onepoint, and I was going to get
into the back of the stationwagon.
Um, and I remember standingthere and hearing my spirit

(23:39):
guide say, No, do not get inthere.
And I checked with myself, andmy intuition was also saying
something's not right.
And so I got back uh into thefront of the car, and I remember
looking at the driver and beingdeeply concerned about the
energy that he was in.

(24:00):
Uh, anyway, he pulled out of thegas station, and I tried to get
him to um realize that there wasa cop not far away, thinking
that that would make him drivebetter, but that seemed to
actually make the situationworse.
Anyway, the next thing you know,the car is getting railroaded by
a semi, and we flipped threetons on the highway, and um I

(24:24):
remember pulling myself and mybest friend at the time to the
full board just as the car wasflipping, and it was one of the
things that prevented us fromgetting hurt.
Anyway, when that accident wasover, I went with my mother to
take a look at the car, and mymother was devastated because it
made the cover of the newspaperlocally.
Uh, the back end of that stationwagon was absolutely

(24:47):
obliterated.
There was nothing left.
Uh, if I had gotten into theback of the station wagon, I
would likely have died.
Uh, my mother sat me down andhad that ha ha, the come the
Jesus conversation.
She was like, You're getting introuble, you're getting in
fights, you're skipping school,you got these rock posters

(25:07):
everywhere, you're dressing tooold for your age, you're wearing
makeup.
Like, she was really worriedabout me.
And uh, I was exploring andtrying to learn.
Anyway, she told me that if Igot any more trouble, um, I
would uh she would call thepolice and let them know that
um, you know, I was beingdifficult.
Uh anyway, I um went to a partyat a friend's house and I ended

(25:31):
up uh doing things that I wasn'tsupposed to do and falling
asleep and I didn't wake up for24 hours.
And by the time I did wake up,my mother had called the police
and um reported me as a runaway.
And this will probably come as asurprise to a lot of people, but
back then, when kids ran awayfrom home, they actually put you

(25:54):
in jail.
And so when I um got gotsuspended next from school, my
mother called the police andtold them to come pick me up.
And a lot of people have beenvery critical of my mother for
doing this, but I was on a fastroad to to a really bad place.
I was being rebellious.
Uh, you know, I was I was tryingto do what I came here for while

(26:15):
trying to be a teenager at thesame time, and I was really
wrestling with that, and Ididn't have a great um home life
or examples, uh, people to learnfrom.
Anyway, um they took me tojuvenile prison.
And so by the age of 13, I wasbehind a cell, and I would stay

(26:35):
there for a while, and Iremember that experience
distinctly because my spiritguides were like, Well, you
learned it, what are youlearning from this?
And I was like, very confused.
I was very confused.
I I didn't understand why I wasin the, I mean, this was a real,

(26:57):
I just want people tounderstand, this was a real
prison.
They took me to a real prisonwhere there were children there
that had murdered their parents,and I would have lunch with
them.
And uh uh I knew that I neededto stop the escalation of what
was happening, or I would notachieve what I needed to achieve
in this lifetime, and I madethat decision staring at the

(27:20):
prison ceiling that it was timefor me to adjust my attitude,
that I did.
While I was living in St.
Peter's, I had the fortunate orunfortunate opportunity to spend
weekends with foster families.

(27:42):
St.
Peter's had an adoption programand it required people who
wanted to adopt children tofoster kids.
And so I got to see alldifferent types of home
environments on those weekends.
Uh I did get to know one familyin particular.
They sort of took a liking to uhmyself and my older sister, and

(28:03):
would have us visit them onholidays or uh for the
occasional camping trip.
And so they became a somewhatconsistent part of uh my youth
and my childhood.
When I got out of the juvenileprison, even hearing that sounds
crazy, but it is what happened.

(28:24):
I came home, and my fostermother, Shirley, who was an
incredibly religious woman, wassitting there on the couch,
ready to have a very seriousconversation with me.
I'll be honest with you, it waslike seeing Jesus sitting on the
couch because I so was notexpecting her to be in my mom's
apartment.
And she told me that thedecision had been made that they

(28:45):
were gonna try to save my saveme and prevent me from going
down this road uh of rebellion,and then I would be moving out
to Collierville, where theylived outside of Memphis.
And I was I was so sort ofsurprised because uh I didn't
know what was gonna happen, butI knew something was coming.

(29:07):
I had been feeling it for awhile, and I remember being both
excited and kind of terrified.
Anyway, I packed up my stuff,got on the car with her, and
moved to the beautiful almost uhMayberry-esque town of
Collierville.

(29:28):
Lots of churches on everycorner, lots of families who
were actually together, a lot ofsafety uh in terms of the town,
and I thought, wow, you know,um, my spirit guides have saved
me.
They've given me this beautifulcircumstance to live in, and I'm
gonna really make the best ofit.
Little did I know that I was infor a very strange uh few years.

(29:53):
You know, this was my highschool years.
I just wanted to be a normalkid.
I wanted to like actually go toclasses for a change.
I had skipped most of school upto this point, but I didn't see
the point going because theteachers were terrible and uh
and the schools weren't verygood.
Uh, this was a really greatschool with a really great
reputation, and and the kidsseemed to really be into
learning, so I thought, youknow, hey, why don't I give this

(30:14):
a try for a change?
Um, the only problem with thatwhole scenario was my home life.
Um, my foster father, who I hadknown most of my life, turned
out to um be a very bad man.
He had uh a problem with youngpeople, with young women in
particular.

(30:34):
And I remember uh being in thecar with him at one point, and
he said something that was veryinappropriate, and I was very
shocked because I had alwaysthought of him as sort of a
father figure, and he suddenlywent from father figure to, oh
my God, I'm living in a housewith an absolute pervert.
He would turn my high schoolyears into such strangeness.

(30:56):
You know, I was going to schooltrying to be like a normal kid,
feeling very guilty and ashamedfor a lot of the bad decisions
that I had made uh in juniorhigh school, and I was trying to
really kind of make up for it,and I wanted to be accepted and
loved and appreciated by allthese really cool, nice kids
that I was living around now.
And yet at home, I was livingwith a nightmare, a pervert.

(31:18):
He drilled holes in the ceiling,in the walls.
He watched me constantly.
Um, when I was finally allowedto leave and go out with friends
or, you know, on the occasionaldate with the pre-approved young
man, uh, he would have mefollowed.
It was either him following meor some of his very creepy

(31:38):
friends.
And I was still a little bitnaive and didn't quite
understand what the deal waswith him and his friends.
Of course, now I I reallyunderstand.
And I just wanted to be normal.
I just wanted to have a family.
I just wanted to be treated welland have like normal
experiences.
But here I am going to schooland trying to learn and uh while

(32:00):
coming home and being absolutelyterrified in the home that I
lived in.
Uh, I will say this for thoseyears in high school, she was
incredibly religious, as was he.
Uh, but uh she was also veryencouraging uh about my
spiritual side.
She really encouraged me to readthe Bible, to read a lot of the

(32:20):
spiritual authors of the time,uh, to absorb as many lessons as
I could uh about uh religiousand spiritual matters.
And uh it was a really beautifultime of growth in that regard.
Uh I started uh giving speechesat high schools, as well as to
adult groups, uh, to share withthem about my experiences as

(32:44):
well as you know how to turnyour life around.
So it was this kind of strangedichotomy.
You know, on the one hand, Ifelt like this bad little kid
who constantly was getting introuble, and here I am now in
you know my high school years,making up for it and becoming a
uh a spiritual speaker at ayoung age.
Um, so you know, a lot ofinteresting experiences that I

(33:05):
would speak to my spirit guidesabout.
Um, I understood that, you know,I was there to learn lessons and
I was doing everything I couldto learn to stay my mission, you
know, to make this my lastincarnation.
By the early 90s, I had becomevery tired of being constantly

(33:26):
watched, lusted over, followed.
My boyfriends had beenthreatened, even one of my
bosses was threatened by adetective for inviting me to go
bowling.
I wanted to be normal.
I just wanted a normal life, andI I wanted to be able to make

(33:50):
decisions for myself.
So I made the unprecedenteddecision, and it was a wild one,
to create an alias for myselfand just run.
I packed my stuff, changed myname, bought a ticket to
California in the early 90s, andI took off.

(34:11):
And running, well, that wouldbecome something of a theme in
my life.
It is the early 90s, and I amliving in San Diego under an
alias, and I'm so excitedbecause no one knows anything

(34:33):
about me, and I'm getting afresh start and making decisions
for myself.
Uh, I settled in, got my firstjob, renting apartments, and
started to make friends.
I made friends with a lot ofmilitary families, just lovely
people, particularly Navy SEALs,because you know, it was San
Diego, and uh they would inviteme on hikes and camping, and I

(34:58):
had such a great time, suchwonderful families.
I finally started doing somemodeling, kind of hearkening
back to my orphan model days,but I needed money and I needed
some level of stability, and Ididn't have anyone to call on.
And so I started doing uh smallthings here and there, and then
I got the chance to audition forPaul Mitchell Hair Products,

(35:21):
which was a big deal.
You know, they were the theproduct that was sold in all the
salons across the country backthen.
It was literally the onlyproduct sold in every salon
across the country back then,and uh I really liked the people
there.
It was my first really bigcampaign, and it went a long way
to help build my self-esteem andmy confidence and help me polish
some of my rough edges.

(35:43):
Uh, they told me they were gonnamail me the poster, and I was so
excited.
A few months later, that postercame in, and I remember
unrolling it, and it was justhuge, and I was uh really
excited, you know, lookingforward to the future.
And then I got a message on myanswering machine that would

(36:04):
completely rock my world.
I remember pressing play, and aheavy southern accent came on,
and my heart just completelysank.
The message said, Hey Cindy, youtold me to call.
If anyone ever came looking foryou, now might be a good time to

(36:28):
take off.
Ah, I was so crushed.
I remember like dropping to mycouch and just being shot.
I had asked them to let me knowif anyone ever came looking for
me, and they had.
Not long after that, I waswalking through San Diego, and I

(36:49):
could feel that I was beingtracked and watched.
You know, I've always been ableto feel that, probably based on
experience.
And um I remember looking up andseeing my foster father with
some men, strange men, and Ijust completely panicked.

(37:16):
I got the knife that I carriedout of my bag, and I remember
spiding the blade between myhands.
Like I didn't know what theywanted, and I was so terrified
by him and his friends that umthat was gonna be my automatic
response anyway, was to protectmyself.
I remember, you know, runninghome and being so worried that I
was being followed, and I Icontacted the FBI, and I had met

(37:43):
a couple of FBI agents rentingapartments, and I asked them for
help.
And I remember him saying, Meetme here at such and such time,
and me racing.
It was a gas station parkinglot, and I was so stunned when I
got there because I just I don'tthink I was thinking of what was
gonna happen.
I just needed help, I neededadvice, I needed support.

(38:06):
And oh, I I pull up and andthere's a a full-blown actual
FBI spy van in the gas stationparking lot, and I remember
climbing in and it was verysurreal.
And you know, the equipment waseverywhere, and you know, the
the jacket, and and we had areally, really uh interesting

(38:26):
conversation.
I made it very clear that I justneeded to hide uh, you know,
from someone.
I didn't want to get into detailbecause to be honest with you, I
didn't want to be judged.
It's probably very hard forpeople today to understand just
how much judgment was leviedagainst people, particularly
women, if um they were being,you know, harassed or stalked.

(38:49):
Uh, you know, we just didn'thave terminology for it back
then.
And um he gave me some wonderfultips and explained to me what I
could do.
I let him know I really wantedto have like a real life.
I wanted to be successful andand uh be part of a community,
and um, and so you know, hefilled me full of great uh

(39:11):
advice, and I went home, packeda bag, and I remember sneaking
out of my apartment to theneighbor's apartment um because
I wanted to exit without anyonebeing able to see me, and I went
through their apartment uh anddropped down over their balcony
onto the ground.
They were on vacation, and uh Itook off.

(39:34):
I changed my name again, and Itook off for New York City.
I remember the first time that Ientered New York City.
I came up out of the subway, andthe energy was incredible, and I

(39:57):
felt right at home.
I had always walked fast andtalked fast, and this felt
completely organic for me.
I had a new name and a newbackstory, and no one knew
anything about me.
And thankfully, this waspre-internet and pre-social
media, which really allowed meto just start over over.
You could do that in those days.

(40:19):
I got a job working for a shishieyewear designer who had
boutiques all the way up MadisonAvenue, and he had a client base
that really blew my mind.
I remember the first week there,Yoko Ono and Michael Douglas
came in, and I was like, wow,look, this is crazy.
And uh sitting at the feet, ifyou will, of icons of media and

(40:44):
finance and technology andentertainment, having these long
extended uh sit-downs.
I mean, each of my appointmentswas about two hours, and this
really allowed me to learn fromsome of the best across every
industry.
Um uh it was the kind ofdevelopment that I really
needed.
And um I enjoyed it.

(41:06):
I was there for four years, anduh not long after getting there,
the owner of the company noticedthat I was really good with
important people, you know,VIPs, and he gave me the chance
to uh handle the in-house PR andI started to do all of the photo
shoots, you know, for the bignames in fashion and uh creating

(41:29):
eyewear for special campaignsand dressing some of the fame
most famous people in the world.
Uh I did the Iwear for theSopranos before uh the show
launched, and the eyewear endedup in the whole campaign uh for
its first season and and seasonsbeyond that.
And I worked on Iwear for Sex inthe City.

(41:51):
Uh, and it was just a really,really good foundational
experience for me.
Um, as a person, I was reallyblossoming.
I had, you know, uh my firstreal boyfriend and um uh a lot
of wonderful hobbies.
I was roller wedding all overthe city.
I got my motorcycle license sothat I could uh go on cool trips
around the country, and it wasjust a really beautiful time uh

(42:16):
in my development.
I got my first opportunity toget off of my feet.
You know, I had been workingbasically in retail and it was
fancy schmancy retail, but itwas it was still retail and it
could be hard on you.
And I really wanted to be anexecutive, like being respected
was such a huge uh goal for me.
And and for me at the time,that's what I thought was, you

(42:39):
know, the avenue that would getme respect.
And frankly, that's really kindof what we're taught with the
American Dream.
Uh, I got a job with one of themost shishy PR agencies in the
country.
Um, she was a real powerhouseworking on the most important uh
events and campaigns in NewYork, LA, and um it was a great

(43:02):
experience.
I remember my first week thereuh finding out that the desk
that I had been given had justbeen vacated by an actual
princess who had married abillionaire, and I and my my
mind was just blown with it.
I didn't even know thatprincesses were actually a thing
at the time.
And uh and my boss gave me thisbinder and said, Okay, this is

(43:24):
your event, you know, go takecare of it, make sure it's
successful.
And I looked at the cover and itwas Azadina Laia, he's a French
controller, he's the designer'sdesigner.
Azadina Liaya at the GuggenheimMuseum, hosted by Naomi
Campbell, Stephanie Seymour.
It was the 90s supermodelshosting this event, and and this
is my my first major project,and I was just floored.

(43:47):
I remember thinking to myselfthat first week, like, what has
happened to my life?
You know, I didn't have acollege degree, I still had a
bit of a southern accent.
Everybody told me that Icouldn't be successful in New
York City, and somehow here Iwas uh really lucky out and
having a ball, and I had awonderful time, such such
incredible experiences forsomebody uh who grew up the way

(44:09):
that I did.
Uh I went to dinner one nightwith some of the executives from
HBO, and we had such a wonderfulconversation about my adventures
as a 90s PR gal in New York Citythat we ended up collaborating
on five episodes of Sex in aCity.
And this is at a time when theshow was the biggest show in the

(44:30):
world.
Uh, and particularly for fashionand entertainment-related
people.
Like the show was just reallymassively important.
And those collaborations, whichwere based on my own adventures,
um helped put five of my clientson the map and and pack them
every single night for it wouldbe you know 10-15 years from

(44:52):
then that the that that showwould still be having an impact
on those clients, which I wasalways really proud of.
And um, it was that success thatearned me this wild portfolio of
clients, which includedRockefeller Center, uh Lincoln

(45:12):
Center, and um the World TradeCenter.
It was 2000, and I was high onlife and having a ball and about
to start my work on putting theWorld Trade Center in its
amazing event spaces and fancyrestaurant at the very top, the

(45:35):
windows in the world, uh, on themap.
They wanted it to be equally asfamous as the other uh hotels
and restaurants and bars that Ihad worked with, and I was
excited about it.
I had been working on the WorldTrade Center for a few months,

(45:57):
and I was so excited about myplans.
I was gonna get premieres and uhthe hottest entertainers to dine
there and uh get the Windows onthe world in TV and film to help
further put it on theinternational map.
And uh I was really excited.
I had a meeting planned forearly that morning in the

(46:20):
Windows on the World restaurantat the top of the World Trade
Center, and um a few days beforemy spirit guides were nudging me
to push the meeting, and Iremember being like slightly
irritated, like really, like,you know, I've got a lot going
on, you know.
I was starting to get the ego,and um I remember being uh a

(46:44):
little bit like you know annoyedbecause I I was excited about
the work I was doing, um, but Icould feel a powerful psychic
experience, and um it would bethe coming days would be the
most powerful psychic experienceI've had to date.

(47:04):
The morning of 9-11, I got upand they nudged me again, and I
called over and I canceled mymeeting, and then I got in a car
to go to my office downtownbecause you know work was
everything.
And I remember looking up at onepoint and seeing the first plane
hit, um, being just like all ofus, absolutely thunderstruck.

(47:31):
And I knew immediately, like,this is why I wasn't supposed to
be there.
And uh I got out of the car andI ran to my office, and at one
point, um, because I was gettingsuch shocking images of both
towers coming down, I had tostop and throw up.
And they did not let up.

(47:52):
This vision of both of themcoming down and the way that
they came down was so detailedand so powerful that I was
having difficulty speaking.
Even to this day, I I struggleto speak about it.
And um I uh I ran to my officeand I remember coming into uh

(48:15):
our space, our workspace, andeveryone was on their computers
acting as though nothing wasgoing on, and I I was started
getting mad, and I startedyelling at people and saying,
you know, we're this is about tobe a massive tragedy, and and
both of the towers are gonnacome down, and they were like,
you know, girl, are you are youokay?
And we know this is your client,but those buildings are built

(48:37):
for anything, they're gonna befine.
And uh I understood why peoplecouldn't understand what I was
saying.
Um, and I didn't want to say I'mgetting psychic visions because
I hid that part of my life, likeso many psychics do.
You know, we're all capable ofpsychic abilities.
Uh, I just had never uh uhlearned not to use mine, like so

(48:57):
many of us are taught to do aschildren.
And um so mine were were strong.
And uh the visions wouldn't letup, and I was I was really
struggling not to have what Iwould call a nervous breakdown
in the moment.
Um, and then um the second planehit, and I knew that's

(49:21):
confirmation.
I'm that I'm not losing my mindhere, this is actually going to
happen.
I remember running out of theoffice into the streets, and you
knew there was already so muchsmoke in the air, and just
trying to get somebody from thepolice or fire department, you
know, it was such anunprecedented experience for
everyone that getting anybodywas nearly impossible.

(49:43):
I tried calling the restaurant,um, just to say to people, get
out, get out, get out, but therewas no way to get through.
And I ran back to the office andI remember yelling at my
coworkers, saying, you know, howcan you sit there at your
computer's working?
Don't you understand what'sabout to happen?
And they're, you know, they'relike, you know, you sound like a
like a crazy person.

(50:05):
And um I went downstairs wherethe TV was, and I just paced in
front of it, and then thevisions became so um disturbing.
I was in in the buildings and Iwas in the people, and I was
hearing their thoughts, and Iwas seeing their choices and
what they were going to do, andthere were a couple of scenes

(50:27):
that were so so profoundlydisturbing that um I don't share
them with anybody.
Uh and um, and that would be oneof the most like for so many of
us, it would be such a profoundexperience.
After the towers came down andthe city closed down, I um I

(50:50):
shut down.
I never told a soul, I nevertalked about it ever with anyone
for the next 20 plus years.
And um I dealt with suchextraordinary survivors' guilt
and guilt and shame um over whathappened and not being able to

(51:12):
do anything.
I knew intellectually that therewas nothing that I could do, and
no one was gonna listen to, oh,there's some psychic on the
phone who's saying, you know,get everybody out.
I mean, people got out as fastas they could.
The the point is that, you know,um when you're tapped into your
psychic abilities, there'ssometimes really frustrating

(51:32):
experiences because oftentimeswhat you see and what you share
isn't gonna be acted on byanyone.
And in that experience, I was souh stunned um and shocked and
angry that I couldn't doanything about it, that I
started to shut down uh any ofmy abilities.

(51:56):
You know, I would you I wouldalways have some pattern
recognition and intuition, butin terms of allowing visions and
um dreams, prophetic dreams, Istarted to really shut them down
because I was bitter.
It was like, well, what gooddoes it do?
I remember saying thatrepeatedly.
I was yelling at my spiritguides.
And um a few weeks later, thecity opened back up and I I

(52:20):
threw myself into my career.
But of course I did, becausethat's where I always got my
self-esteem, because that's whatwe do.
You know, and I noticed that mydrinking started to pick up.
I'd never been much of a drinkeror a drug user, and uh suddenly
I was, you know, tipping a fewmore martinis back than were

(52:41):
absolutely necessary.
Yeah, that's what we do when wedon't know how to deal with our
emotions, when we don't haveemotional and mental
intelligence, we make lowvibrational choices.
I threw myself into my work andopened my first agency, which

(53:05):
was a which was really awesome.
I mean, it was a success rightoff the bat.
I landed incredibleinternational clients, and one
of them sponsored New York, LA,and Miami Fashion Week, which,
you know, put us behind thevelvet ropes and you know, going
to the shishiest events andhanging out with the coolest
people around.
And I do I do love the fashionindustry uh for its artistic uh

(53:29):
aspects, and um, I loved thatpart of it, the artistic side of
it.
And I really threw myself intothat.
You know, we were travelingaround a lot, doing a lot of
fashion shows and working withall the designers, and it was a
good way to distract yourself.
Um, I would uh really, reallyparticularly enjoy uh one of we
had landed a really big client,uh an optical client, um,

(53:51):
international, really hugebrand, and they did the eyewear
for the astronauts for the spaceprogram, and uh I really enjoyed
that.
I I did hold the onlyspace-related press conference
at New York Fashion Week andbrought an astronaut to one of
the big shows, which uh I wasreally happy about.
You know, I would have highmoments like that, but then you

(54:14):
know, I nothing that I eversucceeded at doing sustained
itself because it was abottomless kit that would never
be filled with uh success andresults.
Um, but I just kept, you know,that's all I knew how to do.
Uh I would be courted by a bigfashion house out of Germany who
that wanted they wanted someonewho could put the brand back on

(54:35):
the map.
And I remember asking my spiritguides about it, and they were
encouraging me, which I now see,maybe because they saw where
this was headed.
Oh, if I only knew uh what wasgonna happen, I'm not sure if I
would have made that decision.

(54:56):
Um, I was getting further andfurther away from my mission, my
focus on this being my um finalrebirth, my final reincarnation.
And I was beginning to getfurther and further away from my
spirit guides uh and more andmore absorbed with the
superficial world uh and ego.

(55:18):
Uh anyway, the fashion house umwanted somebody who could dress
celebrities for the big redcarpet events, and and I thought
that sounded amazing, and I hadalways wanted to do that.
Uh, and so I took the job, Iclosed my agency, and um a lot
of people thought I was crazy,but I I just knew this was the
direction I was supposed to headin.

(55:40):
Anyway, I made the job a hugesuccess.
I within a year I put them backon the map internationally, and
I dressed um some of the mostamazing people in entertainment.
I remember being super excitedbecause the first person that I
got to wear the collection,which no one really big had worn
in a long time because they hadallowed their program to just

(56:01):
sort of die off.
And I remember Kathleen ZetaJones uh wearing uh a beautiful
black and silver dress to theGlamour Women of the Year
Awards, and I I was uh I wasexcited about that.
I mean, I really I wanted tosucceed at what I had chosen to
do, and and I did, and um, youknow, we dressed the whole cast
of Sex in the City for redcarpet events and and desperate
housewives, and um I ended upgetting promotions, two

(56:24):
promotions that year, and I wassort sort sort of high on life.
I wouldn't call me happy, but Iwas successful in the uh
superficial terms, thematerialistic uh terms.
Um my success caught the eye ofuh an executive in Germany who

(56:44):
did my same job for thecorporate office.
He did not like me at all.
Uh, he particularly didn't likethe fact that I had brown hair
and brown eyes, which even tothis day I'm like, seriously?
And um uh I could tell the firsttime I met him that he was going
to be a huge problem.

(57:06):
Uh he started to put a lot ofpressure on me to change the
whole program that I had justspent, you know, a year plus
building.
Um and I remember the first timehe started to tell me that he
wanted me to only put thecollection, the gowns on
blonde-haired, blue-eyed uhactresses and socialites.

(57:28):
And I was really speechlessbecause I had dressed African
Americans and Asian and peoplefrom all over the world, and it
really helped build the program.
And now this man is suddenlytelling me that I can't do what
worked and what put them back onthe map.
I now have to only put theclothing on a very minute
percentage of the population.

(57:49):
And um, and this would be thebeginning of the end.
Uh, in many ways of my career,uh, you know, he um he started
to create scenarios andsituations that would put me
under increasing pressure and uhalmost making it impossible for

(58:10):
me to succeed.
At one point, my mother suddenlypassed away, which completely
shocked me, and I wasn't in anyway prepared uh for her to pass
away, and we had reconnected andrebuilt our relationship.
And I was weak.
I had been, you know, low-leveldepressed, like functioning

(58:33):
depressed, uh, for a long time.
And now I'm dealing with thisbattle at work with a man who
clearly hated me and was makingmy life very difficult, and my
mother suddenly dies, and I'mpregnant, and I'm beginning to
collapse under the stress.
Um, particularly because umduring this entire career, from

(58:54):
the time I first got to New Yorkand worked for the Iowa Designer
to working for um the PR agency,starting my own agency and now
in-house, I've been highlymasked, deeply ashamed, hiding
who I was, using a closet fullof characters to blend in

(59:14):
everywhere, and feeling like afraud the entire time because I
had used aliases for years tobuild my career.
And even though the the resultswere mine, you know, I felt like
an imposter.
You know, it was a like a majorcase of imposter syndrome.
And this would all of this wouldcome to a head in Germany.

(59:35):
Um, I was sitting with some ofthe board of directors, and they
were really excited to show me apicture of an emaciated uh group
of Indian men beating a gown,and they wanted me to take that
footage back and those picturesback to America and show it off
to fashion editors.
And I remember being absolutelyshocked.
Like, how could you be sooblivious to the fact that

(59:58):
you're selling these gowns for$10,000,$15,000 and you're
paying these men pennies, andthen you want me to actually go
brag about this?
And I remember pushing back andpushing back, and and then all
of a sudden, the man who hatedme uh asked me to come to his
office, and uh I did, and wewould proceed to get into a

(01:00:22):
nasty, nasty argument, uh, wherehe started to yell at me and
called me some pretty terriblenames, and then all of a sudden,
he brought up my childhood.
I did not expect that to happen.
I didn't think anyone could findout anything about me, but
apparently he found me justthreatening enough to have me

(01:00:43):
looked into, and he called mewhite trash and said that I
should have never been giventhat job, that it should have
been given to a social light,and I was disgusting.
Like his spit was hitting me inthe face, and I'm standing
there, you know, very pregnant,and hearing this, and I was
already so weakened byeverything, it already felt Like

(01:01:03):
an imposter and a fraud, and tohave my my secret that I had
been carrying with me fordecades thrown in my face by a
man, an male executive just sentme spinning.
He would have me uh put underextraordinary pressure once I

(01:01:25):
got back to the States.
He took my maternity leave away,which made me commute four hours
a day.
I had no family, no support todeal with my son and I, and I'm
doing this incredibly hefty jobwhile feeling like an imposter,
and um I'm getting no supportbecause everyone's terrified now
of what's about to happen.
You know, it was just uhhorrible.

(01:01:46):
I ended up leaving, and then Ishattered my leg, I got
divorced, the economy tanked,um, and it was it was pretty
much the worst time in my life.
So my mother's passed away, I amout of my career, the economy is
tanked, I've gotten divorced,shattered my leg, had a

(01:02:10):
motorcycle accident, and I amjust reeling.
I had been struggling since 9-11um with uh drinking, and after
that incident with the executivein Germany, I began to drink uh
more and more.
I was just numbing myself inevery way I could, you know, all

(01:02:33):
the lower vibrational choicesthat we make when we can't face
ourselves.
And my older sister reconnectedwith me, which I was surprised
by.
I had uh always judged her veryharshly.
She'd been a drug addict sincehigh school and a street
prostitute and had been homelessfor a very long time.

(01:02:53):
I spent quite a few years tryingto rescue her.
I remember going into quite afew cracked ins uh in the late
80s and early 90s, uh, which isincredibly dangerous and will
change your view of humanityforever when you see just what
people are capable of.
Um and uh none of it worked.

(01:03:15):
Uh, and now she's reaching outto me and we're reconnecting and
we're beginning to have realconversations about real issues.
And uh I was finally ready tolisten and be there more present
as a sister because I had beendealing with my own secret
struggles, and I think Iunderstood her better.
Um, I did pick up a strangeenergy when she reached out to

(01:03:35):
me, and I asked her, Are youokay?
Because my intuition was tellingme that something was wrong.
And she said, Oh, yeah, I'mfine, I'm fine.
And I was like, Okay.
Uh and I knew, you know, she wasstill using, but uh, you know, I
was ready to have some level offamily, especially now that my
mom was gone.
Uh, a few months later, um, shewould get sick and admit that

(01:04:00):
she knew that something waswrong, um, but was afraid to try
to get help.
She was dying of ovarian cancerthat she had gotten from um
being a prostitute.
And I was devastated.
I was quite shocked.
I uh I went back to Tennesseefinally, after all those years

(01:04:24):
of running.
I remember shaking the entiretime.
Now I was fat, angry, depressed,unhealthy, you know, drinking,
absolutely miserable, but I wasstill afraid of my foster
father.
And uh uh, but I went back.
I wanted to be with her to seeif I could help.

(01:04:45):
And uh there was nothing that wecould do um to save her.
Being back in Tennessee gave uhmy sister and I the opportunity
to have some really importantconversations uh and some times
together where we got to actlike sisters again, coloring
each other's hair and doing eachother's makeup and just getting

(01:05:07):
the chance to be with her in herfinal days.
And at one point, she told mesomething that would absolutely
floor me.
She finally told me that whenshe was young living in St.
Peter's, that my foster fatherand his creepy friends had

(01:05:33):
abused her horrifically and wenton to abuse her for years.
And there it was.
The missing piece of the puzzle.
It gives me chill bumps evennow.
I remember being just like that.

(01:06:06):
She wasn't looking at me withhatred, she was looking at the
world with anger, and she hadevery right to be.
Oh, I got so angry.
I had fantasies about harminghim.
Not long after thatconversation, I would be in um
Germany.
I was in Germany with um theactress Mira Sorvino.

(01:06:28):
I had brought her there to makean appearance at a fashion show,
and I knew that my energy wasreally off because Dina was in
her final days, and um Iexplained to Mira that my older
sister had been, you know, adrug addict and prostitute, and
now was passing away.
And I I, you know, it was reallyweird for me to share anything

(01:06:50):
personal with anyone, but I Iguess I was just that that
broken at that point that Ifinally started to show the
cracks in my facade, my mask.
And I will never forget thismoment because she was sitting
in front of me, and that we werein a Mercedes, very common in
Germany, and the driver wasjust, you know, plowing straight

(01:07:12):
through Berlin, and I'm sittingright behind her, and she says,
You know, your sister's a victimof human trafficking, right?
Boom.
There it was.
The missing piece of the puzzlethe entire time.

(01:07:34):
She went on to explain, youknow, that in America we don't
call human trafficking humantrafficking.
We'd rather label women or areasor societies with other issues
than actually admit that we havea huge human trafficking issue
here in America.
And I just remember beingthunderstruck because I realized

(01:07:56):
that all those years I had beenrunning the way that my life was
in high school.
I don't know what he was savingme for.
Uh maybe it was some big clientor whatever the situation was,
but I realized that him and hiscreepy men were human
traffickers, and my sister was avictim, and the reason I had

(01:08:16):
been on the run was because Iwas running from human
trafficking.
And uh between that realizationand my sister's eventual death,
I sunk further into depression.
What do you think I did?

(01:08:37):
I'm sure you can guess.
Yes, you were right.
I ran.
I ran to Florida.
This time I didn't change myname, though.
I just ran.
That's all I knew.
What I knew to do when thingsbecame too much and I became too

(01:08:59):
afraid.
Well, I have now run off to mythird city.
This time I didn't create analias.
I was no longer on the run fromhuman traffickers.

(01:09:21):
At this point, I was definitelyon the run for myself.
My sister's death was verytraumatizing for me.
I I really stepped away from mypsychic abilities, from my
relationship with my spiritguides.
Um, it had been like that for afew years, and I sunk into uh a
pretty serious depression.

(01:09:41):
I was very overweight, veryangry, uh, very fearful.
I was highly masked still.
I was absolutely deep down, Iwas terrified anyone would find
out anything about me.
And I was uh really resting inshame and guilt about the
decisions, the bad decisionsthat I had made.

(01:10:01):
And I just, you know, went intodeep rest for the next 10 years.
And then finally in 2017, on asubconscious level, I finally
began to listen to my spiritguides again.
I decided to do an eco-fashioncollection to honor the women of
my family.
Uh, my mother was a hugesupporter of investment dressing

(01:10:24):
and um manufacturing in America.
And my sister was a human rightsvictim, as a human trafficking
victim, and there's a lot ofhuman uh rights victims in the
fashion industry.
And so uh I began the work ofdesigning the collection.
I had to first learn how to dotechnical design, so that took

(01:10:44):
uh a while.
And finally in 2019, I was readyto put this collection together
and to launch it.
I was nervous because I knewthat I would have to start
sharing something about myselfum as the designer, but I was
still uncomfortable.
And uh all of a sudden I I haduh one of the most powerful
psychic experiences that I hadhad in a long time.

(01:11:06):
And that was that I I foresawthat we were going to be closing
down as a country and that theworld would be shutting down,
basically.
And I had this conversation withmy spirit guides where they were
explaining to me that we wereentering an unprecedented time
in human history, and that thisuh this situation afforded us
this incredible moment uh toraise human consciousness and

(01:11:28):
that the collective would needas many people, light workers,
healers as possible to helphumanity.
And um I went to my investorsand my vendors, and I was like,
we gotta get this collection in.
And and I explained to them thatthe country's gonna close down,
and of course, everyone thoughtI was, you doing okay over
there, girl?
I was like, no, I need mycollection.

(01:11:48):
And uh, you know, you know wherethis is going, right?
Of course I didn't get mycollection because I needed
failure more than anybody in theworld in my in my work life.
You know, the the escape into mywork life and the success in my
work life is probably the thingit kept me moving forward, and
in many ways it saved me, but italso had become something that

(01:12:09):
was keeping me sick.
And it was this moment ofunprecedented failure where I
was unable to get my collection,and the manufacturers just shut
their doors and put a lock onit, and um I had to see that uh
we were about to shut down and Iwas not gonna be able to do a
whole lot of work.
And you know what?
There's no better time than uh apandemic, start working on

(01:12:32):
yourself.
My spirit guides came to meagain and said, you know, we
need you to really start thework.
Um this is a beautifulopportunity for humanity to
raise its consciousness acrossthe planet, and we need it
because at the age that we'reentering, we need as many people

(01:12:54):
across the planet as possible tobe in higher vibration, to have
higher consciousness.
Because not only will they helpraise the entire planet up, but
it's gonna help prepare us todeal with the unprecedented
times we were entering.
And if we achieve this as weexpect, um we will then be not
only in the age of Aquarius withthis higher vibration across the

(01:13:17):
planet, but we will be preparedto handle the age of AI.
And I said, okay, let's get towork.
The first thing they had me dowas go have a man-in-the-mirror
conversation.

(01:13:40):
My spirit guides had me go tothe bathroom and look myself in
the mirror.
They wanted me to look in my owneyes, something I hadn't done in
forever.
And uh I did, I looked deeply inmy eyes, I saw the unhappiness,
I saw the guilt of shame and thehealing that needed to take

(01:14:00):
place, and I remember touchingthe mirror and crying like a big
I mean I just bawled.
I hadn't, I almost never allowedmyself to cry.
And I used to actually be proudof that, but I never cried.
Uh nothing wrong there.
And uh I I just allowed thetears to run down my face, and I
I allowed the anger, the fear,the anxiety, the shame, the

(01:14:23):
guilt to begin to come to thesurface.
And uh then they had me go geton my porch.
It was time for something veryimportant.
I had something to do.
When I was young, I asked mymother, you know, how does
somebody remember everything?
And she said, You can't.
And I was like, Well, I'm goingto.
And I uh figured out that if Ibuilt a mansion in my mind, and

(01:14:46):
of course I now know aboutmemory palaces that I didn't
know this as a kid.
I built a mansion in my mind.
Um, and in the different roomsin the mansion, I stored
different memories, and I wouldput the memories that I wanted
to keep in boxes and label them,and I would put them on shelves,
and every once in a while Iwould take them down and I would
take the memory out, and Iwould, you know, really re-enjoy
it, and then I would put it backin there and put it on the

(01:15:06):
shelves.
And this went on for years andyears and years.
And then eventually I became sodeeply ashamed and guilty of the
mistakes that I made.
I'd put a lock on MemoryMansion, and no one was getting
that open because I didn't wantanyone knowing anything about
me.
Um, and it was time for me tobreak the lock on Memory Mansion

(01:15:28):
and to speak about all thethings that I had never told
anyone about.
All of it, going all the wayback before I came here through
to now.
Yeah.
It was time.
So I went out to the porch.

(01:15:49):
I was surrounded by my spiritguides, my angels, my ancestors,
my higher self.
I went out on the porch, theysurrounded me.
The sky was absolutelymagnificent.
The air was magical, and I beganto rock, and my eyes began to

(01:16:11):
move.
I down, up, up, down, up, up.
And they moved in this box.
And all of a sudden, the lotbroke, and the memories began to
just pour out of me.
And I began to speak abouteverything I had never allowed
myself to speak about.
No one who had ever known me foreven a few years, even people

(01:16:34):
who'd known me for 20 years,knew absolutely nothing that I
had a gen.
They knew almost nothing aboutme other than the memories that
we created together.
Uh, and uh I finally allowedmyself to have those
conversations.
And this this process went onfor almost a week.
I would go to bed and get up inthe morning and start all over
again, go to the porch, I wouldstart rocking, my eyes would

(01:16:57):
move in a box.
I would speak more, pour it out,cry, get angry, laugh.
Uh, and uh at the end of theweek, I was exhausted and I went
to bed and I slept.
For the first time in decades.
Really slept.
And when I woke up in themorning, I felt magical.

(01:17:21):
I mean, I was I was burnt out,and my I was demasking, uh, and
my executive function was justshot.
But uh, God, I felt like ateenager.
I was so excited about lifeagain.
I could not wait to figure outwhat did I want to do with my
hair, what kind of makeup did Iwant to wear, what did I want to
read, what kind of movies do Iwant to watch, what kind of
music do I listen to?
Because I was always whateverthe environment called for,

(01:17:44):
whatever I thought was mostappropriate.
I had a closet full ofcharacters I had been using
since childhood, and it was timeto just burn that whole closet
down and figure out who I was.
Well, I think so many of us gothrough that um in this process
of discovering who we are.
And then I began simultaneouslywith that uh personal journey.

(01:18:04):
My spiritual journey began totruly unfold.
My spirit guides brought selfagegeofrequency music and books and
videos and gurus and the mostincredible people into my life.
It was magical.
I mean, the way that ithappened, the synchronicities
were going off the charts, and Ibegan to come alive.

(01:18:27):
It was extraordinary.
You know, I started to walk andI began to see nature again.
I saw the moon for the firsttime in years.
I smelled the grass.
There were dragonflies,butterflies, birds, beautiful
big herons, and eagles, and andI was electric with it.
I suddenly started to uh playmusic and uh do pottery and

(01:18:48):
paint again and got my cameraout, started taking 35
millimeter pictures of all thesebeautiful birds.
And uh and I just allowed myselfto unfold like so many of us do
when we're on our spiritualjourneys.
And I began to connect withpeople all over the planet.
There were millions of us allover the planet who were having
these extraordinary spiritualexperiences.

(01:19:11):
We were we were part of the thisphase of people who were going
to help raise the vibration ofthe planet, and we began to all
connect with each other, and Ideveloped this amazing soul
family.
And uh I began the shadow work,the real, the real work, to deal
with the epigenetic trauma, myown uh as well, to heal that, to

(01:19:33):
create new practices in my life,to practice new practices in my
life, to climb the scale ofconsciousness.
A Hawkins scale consciousnessbecame a major tool for me at
that time, and I I used it as away to track where I was at and
catch myself before the patternskept repeating its uh
themselves.

(01:19:54):
You know, I realized that ourthought habits, which we gifted
to our to us by our family, ourcommunity, our churches, those
create our mental state, ourmental state creates our
emotional state, energy,emotion.
Emotion is the frequency andvibration uh that we're at based
on those thought habits.
And that's our lived experiencein that given moment.

(01:20:16):
It was really understanding thatprocess that allowed me to
really begin to practice beingum present, uh, to practice a
better perspective um on mylife, uh, regardless of
circumstances.
And I started to move up thescale towards you know, joy and
love, leading with love.

(01:20:37):
Uh and I got healthy, not justspiritually, I began to work out
and uh I fasted for a long timeand drank water and I began to
heal a lot of the um uh uhcomplex issues that happen when
we deal with uh a lot of uhtraumas back to back.

(01:20:57):
Uh and my health improveddramatically.
Uh it was an amazing experience.
And the people that came into mylife.
What gifts.
And the ability to help otherpeople.
That's an even better gift.
I reconnected with people goingall the way back to when I was
young in high school.

(01:21:18):
And I didn't know how manypeople had touched me, and I
didn't know how many people Ihad I had unknowingly touched
their lives along the way.
And that journey through myhistory was beautiful.
A funny experience that I had.
I was logging in and I saw apicture of me at the Sadie

(01:21:38):
Hawkins dance with a bunch ofother people.
And uh funnily enough, it withinthe comments of that feed, there
was a whole conversation aboutthe fact that I had died, that I
disappeared back in the 90s, andthat I had died, and no one
could see me and how sad it was,and it was so surreal.
I mean, if you've never readabout your own death, I

(01:21:59):
recommend it, and it gives you anew perspective on life.
I thought that was funny.
I found out that my fosterfather passed away, and I
allowed myself to forgive himand his wife, who's now since
passed away.
And uh I learned how to bejoyful.
So, what happened after thatincredible healing journey?
Well, I became a yoga andmeditation teacher.

(01:22:22):
I finally stepped up to the roleI'd been called to since I was a
young woman, that a spiritualguide.
That fashion collection to honormy mother and sister that gave
me such agida, it eventuallycame out.
I became an inspirationalspeaker and author, sharing my
experiences as a psychic,mystic, and of course, survivor,

(01:22:45):
so that other people had aroadmap to healing.
You know, we really can recoverfrom anything.
And when we raise our individualvibration, we help raise the
vibration across the planetbecause, as you know, we are all
connected to each other.
That's what makes community soimportant.

(01:23:05):
And these days, I'm reallyloving being a part of
community.
I finally got around to chasingNirvana again.
Only this time.
I'm not sure if it matters ifthis is my last life.
I think it matters if I makethis life as incredible and

(01:23:27):
helpful to others as possible.

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