December 3, 2025 • 35 mins
Send Me Questions on Attachment
Your anxiety isn’t random noise; it’s an alarm. The real question is what it’s warning you about. We explore the line between general anxiety and anxious attachment, showing how one spreads across life’s domains while the other flares when intimacy gets close enough to test old maps. With clear definitions of GAD, social anxiety, separation anxiety, and panic attacks, we lay out where these experiences overlap and where they diverge, so you can stop guessing and start noticing patterns.
From there, we dig into the heart of anxious attachment: a positive view of others paired with a shaky view of self, born from inconsistent caregiving and sustained by protest behaviors that seek closeness through urgency. You’ll learn how to read rupture and repair as the most reliable evidence of a relationship’s stability, and how to build a personal toolkit that actually works under stress—breath practices, grounding, prayer, and co‑regulation with secure people who help your body feel safe again.
We also bring faith into the conversation without shaming your story. Many of us project human patterns onto God, but security with God can transform how we handle triggers with people. When you treat God as a true secure base—returning in prayer, anchoring in Scripture, and seeking wise counsel—the alarm shifts from panic to guidance. By pairing nervous system skills with honest relationship audits, you can become more secure over time, even if anxiety still visits.
Ready to tell whether it’s anxiety in general or an attachment alarm? Press play, take notes on your own rupture‑repair history, and share this with someone who needs language for what they feel. If this helped, subscribe, leave a 5‑star review, and tell us: what evidence of repair do you look for?
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MY HOPE FOR YOU
I hope these episodes bring you closer to Christ and encourage you in your walk with Him. Meditating on Scripture, Being committed to prayer, and Seeking Christian community are all essential to helping us learn more of who He is and who He made us to be.
ABOUT ME 👇
I have been a Christ-follower for the last 20+ years of my life, and have seen the Lord's grace, strength, and faithfulness through it all. He led me to pursue a degree in higher education and has given me a gift for the field of counseling.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:05):
Well right everyone, welcome back to the God
Attachment Healing Podcast.
We are in episode 102 and I amexcited about today's topic
because I will be discussing andanswering the question, am I
anxiously attached or am I justan anxious person?
So we'll explore that question,define it, we'll talk about
(00:26):
different types of anxiety,we'll describe some attachment
styles, and basically understandand differentiate between
anxiety or being anxious andhaving an anxious attachment
style.
So I'm glad that you're heretoday.
Remember always to share thepodcast, leave a review.
I love hearing from you guys.
I don't hear as many, get asmany reviews as I would like, so
please provide some comments,uh, leave a five-star review if
(00:49):
you really like the episodes oror the show, and I would
greatly, greatly appreciatethat.
All right, so there's a lotgoing on, a lot going on in
life.
I just actually defended mydissertation about a week ago,
and I'm really excited aboutthat.
I've been wanting to tell youthis for a long time, and I've
been talking to you guys aboutthis for a very long time, and
(01:10):
uh it's done.
So the work is done, and now I'mjust waiting for the conferral
date.
Um, but my chair, the committee,when they said those words, we
are so happy to call you Dr.
Samuel Landa.
I was very, very happy andrelieved.
So I just have a couple ofthings that I'm wrapping up uh
with it, just doing some editsand finishing up a portfolio.
(01:34):
And then that's a no more, nomore school work after that.
I don't I don't I don't evenknow if I'd consider it
schoolwork, but no more anythinghaving to do with school after
that.
So uh thank you guys for thoseof you who have been listening
and have been supporting thepodcast for such a long time.
I mean, you really don't knowhow much I appreciate it.
All right, so let's go ahead andjump into today's episode after
(01:56):
that big news.
Um, yeah, let's talk aboutanxiety and anxious attachment
styles.
You know, I was thinking aboutobviously always looking for new
topics to cover with you.
And yeah, this one came up as Iwas leading a group and I
started to kind of figure outsome things about people who
were attending.
And one of the questions thatpopped up for me was, well, what
(02:20):
is the difference between beinganxious, just in general, and
having an anxious attachmentstyle?
Because it seems very similar,it looks very similar, it feels
very similar in some ways.
So, what is the difference?
How can I tell if I'm just ananxious person or if I'm
anxiously attached?
Well, first let's start with thedefinition for what anxiety
(02:42):
actually is.
And really, when you think aboutanxiety, you have to think about
um an alarm system.
Anxiety tells us that somethingis wrong, and that can be based
on fact or it can be based onwhat we create in our minds.
But basically, it activates whenit perceives that there's a
threat or uncertainty orpotential loss, right?
(03:04):
So, with anxiety, when you thinkabout an anxious attachment
style, this is really one of theprimary fears, the fear of
abandonment.
So threat, uncertainty, or lossmakes total sense to someone who
suffers from an anxiousattachment style because they
fear that they will lose theperson that they love or care
for, right?
(03:24):
When we talk about it in aclinical sense, it involves
excessive worry, tension, orfear that is not controllable,
right?
There's usually physicalsymptoms like chest pain, muscle
tension, racing heart, all ofthose things characteristics.
And that is essentially whatwould define someone as having
anxiety.
(03:44):
Uh, what does it look like ineveryday life?
Well, many times it can besomeone who's very irritable,
uh, someone who's overthinking,uh, maybe trouble sleeping
because they are overthinking.
So all of these arecharacteristics of someone who
is anxious.
On a daily basis, they feelanxious.
(04:04):
And there's this tension, and sothey have the physical symptoms,
they have cognitive symptomswhere they're overthinking,
overanalyzing.
So that is essentially whatanxiety looks like.
So, what makes that differentthen from anxious attachment
style?
Well, before I jump into talkingabout anxious attachment styles,
(04:26):
I wanted to touch on a couple ofdifferent types of anxiety
disorders, just so that you'reaware of how these all often
overlap or how similar they canlook.
Because what we're really goingto find near the end as I
explore these disorders with youand talk about the attachment
style, you're going to see a lotof overlap.
(04:47):
So, hopefully, by the end oftoday's episode, you'll be able
to distinguish between thosetwo.
But you're going to find that alot of times there's just this
overlap and a lot ofsimilarities between them.
So we'll see if we can help withthat.
So the first one, first type ofdisorder, there's separation
anxiety disorder, right?
This involves inappropriate andexcessive fear or anxiety about
(05:10):
being away from major attachmentfigures.
So I had a client many, manyyears ago.
It was a child, she was about, Idon't know, six, seven years
old, and she struggled withthis.
I mean, this was an extreme casewhere the child would just lose
all control, start to cry, startto scream, and actually uh
(05:34):
gripped heavily, strongly to herdad's leg.
And she just would not let go.
And I mean, it was my firstexposure to something that
extreme.
I mean, I've seen kids crybefore, I've seen them throw
fits and tantrums, but this wassomething completely different.
And you can imagine the level ofanxiety that this child felt
(05:56):
from potentially being removedfrom her primary attachment
figure.
Um, in this case, it was her herfather.
So she was really trying to holdon to him before he left the
room, and we were gonna do someuh some work there.
And one of the things that stoodout to me was okay, where does
this actually start?
Right?
When we talk about anxietydisorders, they do start in
(06:20):
early childhood.
And I wasn't, I only had acouple of sessions with her and
with the parents, and I wasn'table to explore as much as I
wanted to.
But again, a lot of these thingsin those first two years, right?
18 to 24 months is really wherethe attachment system is
developed, it's shaped, it'swhere all the brain is making
(06:42):
its connections, all the neuronsare firing, and they're making
these uh maps in your mind ofwhat relationships should look
like and feel like.
One of the things that it canfeel like as an adult, it seems
excessive.
So even though you're notthrowing a tantrum, even though
you're not crying and yellingand screaming when you're being
separated from your attachmentfigure, it can feel very much
(07:06):
like that.
So it's possible that you canhave these symptoms.
Um, now again, this is mostlyrelated to uh children and
adolescents, but it can happenin adults.
Okay.
Second one is social anxietydisorder or social phobia, and
this is characterized by fear oranxiety by one or more social
(07:27):
situations in which you may bescrutinized by another person,
right?
So giving speeches, uh showinggoing to a party, anything that
involves public space orinvolving other people.
Specifically, though, with thisdisorder, is the fear of being
scrutinized or criticized byother people, right?
(07:50):
Your performance, right, yourability to connect or not
connect in these social settingsis what causes the anxiety.
It could be just that you'regonna see someone that you don't
like and you don't want to dealwith that.
But again, that fear is so greatthat it makes you even freeze up
a little bit, or again, you'rejust worried about what they're
(08:10):
going to be saying or thinkingabout you, right?
The the real fear is also thisfear of being embarrassed or
humiliated or even rejected, somuch so that you can't take
action to do what it is that youneed to do.
If it's going to, you know,Thanksgiving dinner, which we
just had, if it's uh giving aspeech, whatever the case is, if
(08:32):
it's performance-oriented andyou have to socialize in some
way, shape, or form, and youfear the judgment of others,
that's social anxiety.
Now, again, that can show upwithin an anxious attachment
style, but we'll get to that ina little bit.
Uh, I was gonna mention panicdisorder.
Um, again, when people havepanic attacks, I don't hear as
(08:55):
much of it when they're beingseparated or they're creating
distance from their attachmentfigure.
Again, it could be a romanticrelationship, it can be a close
friend, it can be a parent.
You know, we work with a lot ofcollege students, so it could be
when they're being dropped offby their parents, right?
No one's gonna go into a panic.
It can happen, and maybe it hashappened.
I haven't had that experience uhwith any of my clients, but um,
(09:19):
people do have these panicattacks, and usually what you
find is a history of panicattacks prior to that time, so
that's just something to keep inmind.
Lastly, is probably the mostcommon type of anxiety disorder,
which is GAD or generalizedanxiety disorder, and this is
defined by excessive worry andanxiety occurring more days than
(09:41):
most for at least six months,and that's very important.
Again, most students usuallyevery year that the reports kind
of come out a little bitdifferent, where it's always
depression and anxiety, thoseare kind of alternating
addictions, is in there as well.
But anxiety and depression,those two are usually kind of
(10:02):
happening with college studentsbecause they're coming into
school, they're being, they'renot with their families anymore.
So it would make sense whythat's the most, those are the
most common symptoms and youknow, yeah, symptoms that they'd
be experiencing.
So for GAD, you know, you'regonna have this um uh physical
(10:23):
symptoms of being fatigued,inability to concentrate, being
irritable, tense, and obviouslyeven affecting your your sleep.
So this causes significantdistress or impairment in
school, occupations, or otherimportant areas of functioning,
but it's not due to substanceuse, medical conditions, or
another mental disorder.
(10:44):
So that's how you kind ofisolate GAD from all the other
ones.
Okay, so again, a lot of thesesymptoms as we're talking about
them, you say, okay, well, I'mexperiencing that now.
Does that mean that I have ananxious attachment style?
Well, no, not yet, right?
We don't know for sure yet.
But hopefully, I'm gonnadescribe here the anxious
attachment style, which I'vedone many times before.
(11:06):
So you probably have a good ideaof what your attachment style
is.
Today I'm just focusing on theanxious attachment style.
So if you haven't avoidant, I'lltalk about that in the next
couple of weeks.
But what is an anxiousattachment style, right?
We know, as we've beendiscussing throughout this uh
podcast for many months, manyyears, that really what you look
(11:29):
at when it comes to attachmentstyles is how you view yourself
and how you view others,positively or negatively.
So, a secure person, becausethey have their needs met by
their primary caregivers,they're able to see people in a
positive way as they're able tomeet my needs, and they're able
to see themselves as worthy ofbeing loved and cared for
(11:51):
because that was that's exactlywhat was happening.
So they develop a secureattachment style.
For the one who is anxious, theytend to view the other other
people in a positive light andview themselves in a negative
light.
And this is usually due to nothaving their needs met
consistently.
It happens sporadically.
Sometimes they were met,sometimes they were not, or
(12:13):
sometimes there were long uhtimes where those needs were
being met and something happenedin their parents' lives where
they had a cut back or they justcompletely weren't able to do
it, and then they try to catchup again.
So it's this back and forth,this level of uncertainty about
whether or not their needs aregoing to be met, right?
So if their needs were metsometimes, there's like this
(12:34):
hope, this desire, like, okay,my needs can be met.
And then they go through othertimes where they weren't met,
and it's like, wait, what'shappened?
What changed?
Did I do something wrong?
Is the what happened to theperson?
So what happens to this personwho grows up is that they start
to think that it's more aboutthem, that they did something
(12:55):
wrong, or that there must besomething wrong with them.
There's a lot of questions thatthey have about their own worth
because it can't be, in theirminds, they think it can't be
the people that love me thathave the problem.
So it must be me, right?
This is the thinking of ananxious attachment style.
Essentially, the questions thatthey're asking are Am I worthy
(13:17):
of being loved and cared for?
And are others trustworthy anddependable and able to meet my
needs?
Okay.
So they're gonna have thesequestions.
So these are the questions thatthey ask in close relationships,
right?
Most of us do a pretty good jobof being able to be there for
each other at a surface level,right?
(13:39):
Um, so you don't really see theattachment system get activated
until you start to get closewith people.
So that's why I often discussromantic relationships because
you in a way are forced, notforced, that's the wrong word to
say, but in a way you have tostart sharing and being
vulnerable with another personto see how they respond to what
(14:01):
you're sharing, right?
And it's either gonna make youfeel cared for and nurtured and
wanted, or it's not, it's gonnamake you feel uh a little
uncertain, a little anxiousabout how are they actually
responding to what I'm sharingwith them, right?
But the overall or the generalfeeling for an anxious
attachment style is that theyhave a positive view of others
(14:24):
and negative view of self.
They seek closeness with othersso much so, but they do so to
seek in uh reassurance.
Excuse me.
They want constant reassurance,they need that, right?
Because if your needs weren'tconsistently met when you were
younger, anytime there's a uhdisruption within the
(14:44):
relationship, a rupture, as Iwould discuss earlier, um, when
there's a rupture in therelationship, there's questions
that start to come up for theanxious attachment songs, start
saying, Did I do somethingwrong?
Was it something I said?
What happened at work, right?
There's all these questions thatthey'll start to ask to figure
out why it is that their needsare not being met in that
(15:06):
moment.
And this question of, is it am Iworthy of being loved and cared
for starts be to become morereal for them, right?
They start to doubt their ownself-worth.
So what happens is that there'sthis signal that goes off that
says, I'm feeling distressed.
I have to figure out what's thecause of that distress.
(15:27):
So they amplify the distress toget a response.
And what can this look like?
This can be uh becoming verypushy and clingy in a way, like
wanting to hold on to the personbecause they fear that they're
gonna leave or that they'regonna disconnect from them or
that they're gonna pull away,right?
So they amplify that distresssignal by wanting to talk it out
(15:51):
and wanting to figure thingsout.
When the other person might nothave done anything, it was just
the interpretation of asituation or events that the
anxious attached person startsto create in their own mind.
Now, it's important, and I'vetried to make emphasis of this,
that we not delegitimize whatthey're feeling and what they're
experiencing, they're thinkingthat way because of how their
(16:13):
needs were or were not met whenthey were younger.
So it can feel very overwhelmingfor the other person, the
friend, boyfriend, girlfriend,the parent, the child.
It can be feel very overwhelmingfor them.
So I want to, if you're not theone who has the anxious
attachment style, I want you tojust see that there's a reason
(16:36):
for why they are behaving thatway.
For those of you who arelistening and are anxiously
attached, I want you to also seeyourself and just understand
that that just tells yousomething about how your needs
were met.
So you have to operate a littlebit differently when you're
moving into relationships to getthose needs met.
Because what you're doing by umseeking constant reassurance, by
(17:02):
questioning whether or not theperson loves you often, it might
push them away.
Right.
So the core fear here is thatyou're gonna be abandoned.
And the only way to kind ofchallenge that is that we look
at the history of therelationship, right?
Rupture repair.
We're gonna go back to thatright now.
(17:23):
So have there been ruptures inthe relationship before?
And obviously, if you've had afriend for a long time, it's a
relationship with a sibling, aromantic relationship, right?
There's I'm certain that there'sbeen uh a rupture at some point
in that friendship orrelationship.
So what you want to look at isokay, there was a rupture.
(17:44):
Oh, I remember we had this fightabout this particular thing, and
then after that, what happened?
That's what we're looking for.
Was there repair after thatrupture?
So, yeah, we were able to makeup and we talked about it, and
it seems like we were both onthe same page, but then it
happened again and we talkedabout it and it was feeling
better now, right?
So if you look at your historyand there was ruptures, but
(18:07):
there was always repair, thenthat kind of counters the fear
of you being abandoned, right?
Like the history, or um, as Ilike to say, the evidence shows
that when you've had ruptures,the person hasn't left, right?
So you got to challenge thebelief that you're gonna be
abandoned.
I know that your body is gonnafeel that though.
(18:29):
Your body's gonna feel like, no,but I'm so worried that they're
going to leave me at some point.
So, two practices that you haveto do here.
One is calming your nervoussystem down.
And how do you do that?
You can do breathing exercises,you can pray, you can get
together with a close friend,have you know, a cup of tea,
just a relaxing something thatcan relax your nervous system.
(18:53):
And then you can start tochallenge those beliefs of being
abandoned.
Okay, now this takes a lot oftime and it takes a lot of
practice, but I'm presentingthat to you so you can pay
attention to and say, okay, Iknow that I'm an anxious
attachment style.
I know that sometimes I strugglewith anxiety, and I know that I
worry about being abandoned.
(19:14):
So, what evidence do I have thatwill not happen moving forward?
And that's what you're gonnalook at.
What's the evidence of thehistory of that relationship?
So you say, Well, Sam, theperson has left and then they
came back, and now we're doingbetter, but I fear that they may
leave again, right?
Again, you really got to takenote of what is the actual
(19:37):
pattern.
If they left once and came backand things have been good since
then, then you know that happenssometimes.
It's something that you shouldpay attention to because it does
affect your nervous system.
But I don't think it means thatyou need to completely um
abandon or leave therelationship in a sense because
of how it made you feel that onetime.
(19:58):
But if that becomes a pattern,if things are really good and
there's this big thing thathappens an abandonment, things
are better now because they cameback and apologized, and it
happens again, right?
They apologize, things arebetter, and it happens again,
right?
So that really is the pattern.
So to identify these patterns,it does take a lot of time, and
you do have to be veryintentional about it.
Okay.
And what I often tell clients iswhen you're when you're doing
(20:22):
your prayers, when you'repracticing your breathing
exercises, when you'repracticing grounding techniques,
whatever the case is, um, toregulate your body, do that when
you're not feeling anxious.
Do that also when you are withthe person, right?
Because what is what is thatgonna do for you?
(20:43):
It's gonna tell your body that,or teach your body how to or
what it looks like to calm yourbody down when you're not
anxious.
So if you practice it enoughwhen you do become anxious, that
transition to, all right, I'mbreathing in, Lord help me
through this.
I know that this person's notgonna leave me.
(21:04):
I know they love me, I know theycare for me.
You know, teach me how to trustyou throughout this process,
right?
If you've been doing thatleading up to the times where
you get anxious, it's gonna be amuch smoother transition into
that.
Your body's gonna recognize whatyou're trying to do, your mind's
gonna recognize what you'retrying to do.
So you're gonna get there a lotfaster, right?
Don't try to practice this whenyou are in the anxious
(21:27):
situation, right?
Don't wait for that time to comeup to then try to practice
because your system is alreadyactivated.
It's ready to go, it's ready tolaunch, and you're not gonna be
able to implement thesepractices that help your body uh
regulate.
So it's very important.
Now, with attachment styles, oneof the things I like to
(21:48):
encourage a lot of people whohave anxious attachment style is
to connect with people who aresecure in their attachments, who
are secure bases for them, whoprovide what we call
co-regulation, that when you'rearound them, you feel calmer,
right?
And that's probably why you likeyou like them a lot because you
feel calmer.
(22:08):
Now, the anxious and secure is acommon pairing, but it's not as
common as the anxious avoidant,right?
So with the avoidant, it makessense why your system would be
constantly dysregulated becauseit's this pursuer-distancer type
of relationship, and that doesnot help you to regulate um and
(22:30):
feel good in the relationship.
Okay.
So one of the main things that Ihope you've been able to see is
that obviously the other ones,um, the previous disorders had
some connection to arelationship, but it was very
specific, or um it was just away that you were feeling in
general.
With anxious attachment styles,it's how you feel and what
(22:54):
you're thinking when you're inclose, intimate relationships,
right?
Where you're vulnerable withanother person.
Your family knows you and theyknow a lot of you, uh, a lot of
who you are as a person.
So there's there's opennessthere, there's potential hurt
that can happen because we, youknow, most of us love and care
(23:14):
for our families.
Now, if you don't, obviouslythere's reasons behind that.
Um, that may be too much toexplore right now, but I want to
just focus on the anxiousattachment style about the
questions that it's answering.
Am I being am I worthy of beingloved and cared for?
And then the second one is areothers trustworthy and
dependable?
(23:35):
So not only do I need evidencesof me being worthy to someone
else, but can I depend on thisperson to be there for me when I
need them?
Again, if we go back to theexample or the practice that I
mentioned earlier, taking notesof what the rupture repair
process looks like.
If they have always come backand they've tried to repair the
(23:58):
relationship and you guys aregood, then they can be
dependable, right?
They can be trustworthy.
How are they when you'revulnerable?
How do they respond?
Do they tune in?
And are they able to listen andhear and reflect what you're
what you're saying?
Can they just be present, right?
They're not gonna have all ofthese various skills that we
(24:18):
have as counselors for those ofthose of us who counsel, but
they do have some um good skillsto tune into your story and what
it is that you're sharing, andthat's really what you're
wanting.
That's how you can develop trustwith another person.
How do they listen to my storyas I'm sharing this stressor?
(24:42):
Right?
You can learn a lot about peopleand how they respond to stress,
and that's the same for peoplewho are gonna be there for you.
When you're under stress, how dothey respond to that stress?
When you're under stress, how doyou respond?
What happens internally for you?
What have what do you startdoing physically?
Like what do you do when you'reunder stress?
(25:04):
Right.
And there's only gonna be somepeople who can handle it and
others who cannot.
So it's up to you to kind offirst learn really how to how to
regulate yourself, and then onceyou learn that, then you're
gonna be a better fit for thosepeople who you're actually
looking to connect with.
Again, there's a variety ofpeople that you need in your
circle of friends and you needwith your family and in
(25:28):
relationships to help youco-regulate.
Co-regulation is a good thing,right?
There you should have peoplearound you who help you
regulate.
That's that's what the point ofco-regulation is two nervous
systems communicating to eachother.
You're safe here.
Okay.
And we all want that.
So that is necessary, but alsowhen that person is not there,
(25:51):
you should also have the abilityto regulate yourself.
And everyone does thingsdifferently.
Some people journal, some peoplepray, some people read their
Bible, um, others connect with aclose friend, whatever that is
for you, do that so that youcan, you know, teach yourself
how to regulate.
(26:12):
Now, what does this look likethen when it comes to our faith?
Well, anxious attachment stylesare the ones that connect our
relationship with God, they'remost closely associated in our
relationship with God.
So how we perceive others isgoing to then transfer over to
how we see God.
Now it's been very interestingbecause this isn't always the
(26:35):
case, right?
If you have an anxiousattachment style, that doesn't
mean that you're automaticallygoing to have an anxious God
attachment because God may bethe one who is fulfilling that
need for you when you areanxious.
So when your friends looked atyou a certain way when you pass
by them today and you didn'tguess that they were tired, you
(26:59):
just thought, oh no, I must havedone something wrong because
they didn't say hi, or it seemedlike they ignored me, or they
looked upset at me, whatever thecase is.
So you turn to God and you say,Lord, did I do something?
You know, what's going on here?
Right?
He can be your go-to source.
And if he is, then you couldhave a secure attachment style,
right?
Again, how do you respond whenyou're under stress?
(27:21):
Who do you turn to?
And if it's to God, then you'regonna try to connect with him
through prayer, through readinghis word, through connecting
with a biblical uh spiritualmentor, right?
A pastor, a leader, someone thathelps you focus your attention
back to Christ.
And that is a good relationship,obviously, to have where Jesus
(27:44):
is your secure base.
So if you have an anxiousattachment style with people,
that does not necessarily meanthat you're gonna have an
anxious attachment style withGod.
A lot of times that is the case,but not all of the times.
So hopefully that gives you aperspective of okay, even if I
feel anxious with people, how doI feel in my relationship with
(28:05):
God?
Right?
Because I think for the anxiousattachment style at least, what
they're gonna feel is thatthey're not good enough, that
the Lord may be punishing themthrough this friendship that is
hurting them.
Well, I must have done somethingwrong.
And I know I told the Lord thatreally wanted this relationship,
and now I think this person isgonna break up with me.
So I must have done somethingwrong, right?
(28:27):
Again, we can transfer thatupbringing that we had with our
parents or with primarycaregivers and even into um
early childhood and carry thatinto our adult relationships and
our relationship with God andthink that God's gonna respond
the same way, right?
God is not our parents, he's notour close friends, he's not our
(28:48):
family, in the sense that hedoesn't do or isn't going to do
the things that they did to us.
God is perfect and he loves usperfectly and he's present with
us perfectly, he does everythingright.
So it's easy for us to assumethat that well, it can't be God
that's wrong, and he's not, butthe flip side to that is does
(29:13):
that mean then that there'ssomething wrong with you or is
it just the way in which you'reyou've learned to relate?
Right?
So that's what we want tochallenge.
Is this doesn't mean if you'renot in a secure relationship
with God, it doesn't mean thatthere's something wrong with you
in the sense of uh shame and uhyour evil and all of this stuff,
(29:35):
but it is, and this is biblical,it is the effect of sin on one's
life, right?
Our bodies are prone to worry.
Why?
Because we didn't have a securebase growing up, or we had our
needs met inconsistently, so ourbody is responding to what are
(29:57):
what we've experienced growingup.
Up.
And that's part of the fall,right?
If you had completely absentparents, you would see no need
for God.
You would think to yourself thatyou're everything, right?
The avoidant thinks that theydon't need anyone, they can do
everything themselves.
Even though they really wantconnection, they can do without
it because there's enoughevidence of them doing things
without other people.
(30:19):
So they would see that samerelationship in their in their
relationship with God and say,you know, I believe in God.
I know that He's there, but youknow, I think I'll be able to
get through anything that comesmy way.
Right.
There's no full dependence onGod.
So everyone has their thingbased off of their upbringing
(30:39):
and experiences.
It's just a matter of knowingwhat those things are and then
learning how to how to counterhow to counterbalance that.
Okay.
So I guess the question afterall of this, so can I become
securely attached and manage myanxiety better?
And the answer to that is yes,right?
Um, there's many episodes thatI've done on how you can become
(30:59):
securely attached, but one ofthe main ways in which I talk
about, and this is in relationto people, is to find some safe,
secure people, people who havethis view of themselves in a
positive way, not arrogant,right?
I'm not talking about thatthere's pride and arrogance in
the way that they viewthemselves, just that they feel
good about themselves.
And the way to kind of look atthat is talk to them about their
(31:22):
upbringing.
What was that like?
So you have some people whowould talk about, yeah, my
parents, you know, they'rereally great about meeting my
needs and letting me kind of um,you know, get some independence,
but also they provide some rulesand guidelines for me to follow.
And uh, I think that that wasreally beneficial for me.
Who, what kind of friends dothey have?
(31:43):
Are they able to relate?
It doesn't matter how many theyhave, right?
It's not the number offriendships that they have, it's
the quality of friendships thatthey have.
Um, so look at their closefriendships.
What do what do they look like?
Do they look like something thatyou want, right?
In the sense of how are theyable to meet each other's needs?
(32:03):
Because really, attachment styleis about how your needs were met
or not met when you were growingup.
And we try to find differentways in our adult um lives how
to get those needs met.
And we use different ways,different methods, different um
inclinations to try to get thoseneeds met.
So, yes, you can be securelyattached, and one of the ways to
(32:26):
do that is to find safe, securepeople who display those
pro-social behaviors that we'retalking about.
And can I be another question, Iguess, that can come up from
this is can I be securelyattached and still experience
anxiety?
And the answer to that is yes.
(32:46):
There can be times where youstill experience anxiety because
it's again part of part of ourfallen nature.
So you can be securely attached,and what that means is that
there's a long history trackrecord evidences of rupture
repair, of positive rupturerepair in that relationship.
(33:06):
Now, you don't want so manyruptures that that's the only
thing you see.
What you want is evidences ofwhen there were ruptures, we
were able to re-establishconnection after that, right?
That's what you want.
So even if there are bigexplosive moments where you look
at the friendship or therelationship, and there was this
(33:27):
big moment, what happened afterthat?
Right?
That's a pretty big rupture, abig fight.
You yelled, said something thatyou didn't want to say, and now
you come back together and youapologize and you move forward,
right?
And then maybe you have anotherbig rupture, and then maybe have
another big rupture.
But in general, you don't wantto see, you know, up down, up,
down that this is therelationship, right?
Kind of like a heartbeat.
(33:48):
You want to see kind of likelittle lines and you know, you
get a uh a little rupture there,and then you have little lines
and then rupture there.
Life happens.
Different situations cause us tobe stressed and anxious and
avoidant and all of thesedifferent things.
So you can still experienceanxiety even if you're in a
securely attached relationship.
(34:08):
The question is, remember, whatyou want to look at is how do
you repair after the ruptures?
And if you have a long historyand evidence of good repairs,
then you are in a securelyattached relationship.
It's all about how you justcommunicate with each other,
express your needs and meetthose needs within the
(34:28):
friendship relationship.
And remember that God usespeople to teach us something
about himself, he uses lifeexperiences to teach us about
himself.
And and more importantly, heuses scripture to teach us about
himself.
There's so much evidence inscripture of how much God loves
(34:48):
us and how much God is a securebase for his children.
So if you can look at all that,look at the evidences of God's
character, you will find that heis our secure base.
Guys, thank you for tuning in.
I hope for those of you guys whoare listening and maybe either
you're struggling with anxiousattachment style or you know
(35:10):
someone who's struggling withanxious attachment style, feel
free to share this episode.
Let them tune in, and hopefullythey're able to take a good
nugget of wisdom from this.
Alright, guys.
Well, I'll have another excitingtopic next time.
Until then, I'll talk to youthen.
Bye.
Well right everyone, welcome back to the God
Attachment Healing Podcast.
We are in episode 102 and I amexcited about today's topic
because I will be discussing andanswering the question, am I
anxiously attached or am I justan anxious person?
So we'll explore that question,define it, we'll talk about
(00:26):
different types of anxiety,we'll describe some attachment
styles, and basically understandand differentiate between
anxiety or being anxious andhaving an anxious attachment
style.
So I'm glad that you're heretoday.
Remember always to share thepodcast, leave a review.
I love hearing from you guys.
I don't hear as many, get asmany reviews as I would like, so
please provide some comments,uh, leave a five-star review if
(00:49):
you really like the episodes oror the show, and I would
greatly, greatly appreciatethat.
All right, so there's a lotgoing on, a lot going on in
life.
I just actually defended mydissertation about a week ago,
and I'm really excited aboutthat.
I've been wanting to tell youthis for a long time, and I've
been talking to you guys aboutthis for a very long time, and
(01:10):
uh it's done.
So the work is done, and now I'mjust waiting for the conferral
date.
Um, but my chair, the committee,when they said those words, we
are so happy to call you Dr.
Samuel Landa.
I was very, very happy andrelieved.
So I just have a couple ofthings that I'm wrapping up uh
with it, just doing some editsand finishing up a portfolio.
(01:34):
And then that's a no more, nomore school work after that.
I don't I don't I don't evenknow if I'd consider it
schoolwork, but no more anythinghaving to do with school after
that.
So uh thank you guys for thoseof you who have been listening
and have been supporting thepodcast for such a long time.
I mean, you really don't knowhow much I appreciate it.
All right, so let's go ahead andjump into today's episode after
(01:56):
that big news.
Um, yeah, let's talk aboutanxiety and anxious attachment
styles.
You know, I was thinking aboutobviously always looking for new
topics to cover with you.
And yeah, this one came up as Iwas leading a group and I
started to kind of figure outsome things about people who
were attending.
And one of the questions thatpopped up for me was, well, what
(02:20):
is the difference between beinganxious, just in general, and
having an anxious attachmentstyle?
Because it seems very similar,it looks very similar, it feels
very similar in some ways.
So, what is the difference?
How can I tell if I'm just ananxious person or if I'm
anxiously attached?
Well, first let's start with thedefinition for what anxiety
(02:42):
actually is.
And really, when you think aboutanxiety, you have to think about
um an alarm system.
Anxiety tells us that somethingis wrong, and that can be based
on fact or it can be based onwhat we create in our minds.
But basically, it activates whenit perceives that there's a
threat or uncertainty orpotential loss, right?
(03:04):
So, with anxiety, when you thinkabout an anxious attachment
style, this is really one of theprimary fears, the fear of
abandonment.
So threat, uncertainty, or lossmakes total sense to someone who
suffers from an anxiousattachment style because they
fear that they will lose theperson that they love or care
for, right?
(03:24):
When we talk about it in aclinical sense, it involves
excessive worry, tension, orfear that is not controllable,
right?
There's usually physicalsymptoms like chest pain, muscle
tension, racing heart, all ofthose things characteristics.
And that is essentially whatwould define someone as having
anxiety.
(03:44):
Uh, what does it look like ineveryday life?
Well, many times it can besomeone who's very irritable,
uh, someone who's overthinking,uh, maybe trouble sleeping
because they are overthinking.
So all of these arecharacteristics of someone who
is anxious.
On a daily basis, they feelanxious.
(04:04):
And there's this tension, and sothey have the physical symptoms,
they have cognitive symptomswhere they're overthinking,
overanalyzing.
So that is essentially whatanxiety looks like.
So, what makes that differentthen from anxious attachment
style?
Well, before I jump into talkingabout anxious attachment styles,
(04:26):
I wanted to touch on a couple ofdifferent types of anxiety
disorders, just so that you'reaware of how these all often
overlap or how similar they canlook.
Because what we're really goingto find near the end as I
explore these disorders with youand talk about the attachment
style, you're going to see a lotof overlap.
(04:47):
So, hopefully, by the end oftoday's episode, you'll be able
to distinguish between thosetwo.
But you're going to find that alot of times there's just this
overlap and a lot ofsimilarities between them.
So we'll see if we can help withthat.
So the first one, first type ofdisorder, there's separation
anxiety disorder, right?
This involves inappropriate andexcessive fear or anxiety about
(05:10):
being away from major attachmentfigures.
So I had a client many, manyyears ago.
It was a child, she was about, Idon't know, six, seven years
old, and she struggled withthis.
I mean, this was an extreme casewhere the child would just lose
all control, start to cry, startto scream, and actually uh
(05:34):
gripped heavily, strongly to herdad's leg.
And she just would not let go.
And I mean, it was my firstexposure to something that
extreme.
I mean, I've seen kids crybefore, I've seen them throw
fits and tantrums, but this wassomething completely different.
And you can imagine the level ofanxiety that this child felt
(05:56):
from potentially being removedfrom her primary attachment
figure.
Um, in this case, it was her herfather.
So she was really trying to holdon to him before he left the
room, and we were gonna do someuh some work there.
And one of the things that stoodout to me was okay, where does
this actually start?
Right?
When we talk about anxietydisorders, they do start in
(06:20):
early childhood.
And I wasn't, I only had acouple of sessions with her and
with the parents, and I wasn'table to explore as much as I
wanted to.
But again, a lot of these thingsin those first two years, right?
18 to 24 months is really wherethe attachment system is
developed, it's shaped, it'swhere all the brain is making
(06:42):
its connections, all the neuronsare firing, and they're making
these uh maps in your mind ofwhat relationships should look
like and feel like.
One of the things that it canfeel like as an adult, it seems
excessive.
So even though you're notthrowing a tantrum, even though
you're not crying and yellingand screaming when you're being
separated from your attachmentfigure, it can feel very much
(07:06):
like that.
So it's possible that you canhave these symptoms.
Um, now again, this is mostlyrelated to uh children and
adolescents, but it can happenin adults.
Okay.
Second one is social anxietydisorder or social phobia, and
this is characterized by fear oranxiety by one or more social
(07:27):
situations in which you may bescrutinized by another person,
right?
So giving speeches, uh showinggoing to a party, anything that
involves public space orinvolving other people.
Specifically, though, with thisdisorder, is the fear of being
scrutinized or criticized byother people, right?
(07:50):
Your performance, right, yourability to connect or not
connect in these social settingsis what causes the anxiety.
It could be just that you'regonna see someone that you don't
like and you don't want to dealwith that.
But again, that fear is so greatthat it makes you even freeze up
a little bit, or again, you'rejust worried about what they're
(08:10):
going to be saying or thinkingabout you, right?
The the real fear is also thisfear of being embarrassed or
humiliated or even rejected, somuch so that you can't take
action to do what it is that youneed to do.
If it's going to, you know,Thanksgiving dinner, which we
just had, if it's uh giving aspeech, whatever the case is, if
(08:32):
it's performance-oriented andyou have to socialize in some
way, shape, or form, and youfear the judgment of others,
that's social anxiety.
Now, again, that can show upwithin an anxious attachment
style, but we'll get to that ina little bit.
Uh, I was gonna mention panicdisorder.
Um, again, when people havepanic attacks, I don't hear as
(08:55):
much of it when they're beingseparated or they're creating
distance from their attachmentfigure.
Again, it could be a romanticrelationship, it can be a close
friend, it can be a parent.
You know, we work with a lot ofcollege students, so it could be
when they're being dropped offby their parents, right?
No one's gonna go into a panic.
It can happen, and maybe it hashappened.
I haven't had that experience uhwith any of my clients, but um,
(09:19):
people do have these panicattacks, and usually what you
find is a history of panicattacks prior to that time, so
that's just something to keep inmind.
Lastly, is probably the mostcommon type of anxiety disorder,
which is GAD or generalizedanxiety disorder, and this is
defined by excessive worry andanxiety occurring more days than
(09:41):
most for at least six months,and that's very important.
Again, most students usuallyevery year that the reports kind
of come out a little bitdifferent, where it's always
depression and anxiety, thoseare kind of alternating
addictions, is in there as well.
But anxiety and depression,those two are usually kind of
(10:02):
happening with college studentsbecause they're coming into
school, they're being, they'renot with their families anymore.
So it would make sense whythat's the most, those are the
most common symptoms and youknow, yeah, symptoms that they'd
be experiencing.
So for GAD, you know, you'regonna have this um uh physical
(10:23):
symptoms of being fatigued,inability to concentrate, being
irritable, tense, and obviouslyeven affecting your your sleep.
So this causes significantdistress or impairment in
school, occupations, or otherimportant areas of functioning,
but it's not due to substanceuse, medical conditions, or
another mental disorder.
(10:44):
So that's how you kind ofisolate GAD from all the other
ones.
Okay, so again, a lot of thesesymptoms as we're talking about
them, you say, okay, well, I'mexperiencing that now.
Does that mean that I have ananxious attachment style?
Well, no, not yet, right?
We don't know for sure yet.
But hopefully, I'm gonnadescribe here the anxious
attachment style, which I'vedone many times before.
(11:06):
So you probably have a good ideaof what your attachment style
is.
Today I'm just focusing on theanxious attachment style.
So if you haven't avoidant, I'lltalk about that in the next
couple of weeks.
But what is an anxiousattachment style, right?
We know, as we've beendiscussing throughout this uh
podcast for many months, manyyears, that really what you look
(11:29):
at when it comes to attachmentstyles is how you view yourself
and how you view others,positively or negatively.
So, a secure person, becausethey have their needs met by
their primary caregivers,they're able to see people in a
positive way as they're able tomeet my needs, and they're able
to see themselves as worthy ofbeing loved and cared for
(11:51):
because that was that's exactlywhat was happening.
So they develop a secureattachment style.
For the one who is anxious, theytend to view the other other
people in a positive light andview themselves in a negative
light.
And this is usually due to nothaving their needs met
consistently.
It happens sporadically.
Sometimes they were met,sometimes they were not, or
(12:13):
sometimes there were long uhtimes where those needs were
being met and something happenedin their parents' lives where
they had a cut back or they justcompletely weren't able to do
it, and then they try to catchup again.
So it's this back and forth,this level of uncertainty about
whether or not their needs aregoing to be met, right?
So if their needs were metsometimes, there's like this
(12:34):
hope, this desire, like, okay,my needs can be met.
And then they go through othertimes where they weren't met,
and it's like, wait, what'shappened?
What changed?
Did I do something wrong?
Is the what happened to theperson?
So what happens to this personwho grows up is that they start
to think that it's more aboutthem, that they did something
(12:55):
wrong, or that there must besomething wrong with them.
There's a lot of questions thatthey have about their own worth
because it can't be, in theirminds, they think it can't be
the people that love me thathave the problem.
So it must be me, right?
This is the thinking of ananxious attachment style.
Essentially, the questions thatthey're asking are Am I worthy
(13:17):
of being loved and cared for?
And are others trustworthy anddependable and able to meet my
needs?
Okay.
So they're gonna have thesequestions.
So these are the questions thatthey ask in close relationships,
right?
Most of us do a pretty good jobof being able to be there for
each other at a surface level,right?
(13:39):
Um, so you don't really see theattachment system get activated
until you start to get closewith people.
So that's why I often discussromantic relationships because
you in a way are forced, notforced, that's the wrong word to
say, but in a way you have tostart sharing and being
vulnerable with another personto see how they respond to what
(14:01):
you're sharing, right?
And it's either gonna make youfeel cared for and nurtured and
wanted, or it's not, it's gonnamake you feel uh a little
uncertain, a little anxiousabout how are they actually
responding to what I'm sharingwith them, right?
But the overall or the generalfeeling for an anxious
attachment style is that theyhave a positive view of others
(14:24):
and negative view of self.
They seek closeness with othersso much so, but they do so to
seek in uh reassurance.
Excuse me.
They want constant reassurance,they need that, right?
Because if your needs weren'tconsistently met when you were
younger, anytime there's a uhdisruption within the
(14:44):
relationship, a rupture, as Iwould discuss earlier, um, when
there's a rupture in therelationship, there's questions
that start to come up for theanxious attachment songs, start
saying, Did I do somethingwrong?
Was it something I said?
What happened at work, right?
There's all these questions thatthey'll start to ask to figure
out why it is that their needsare not being met in that
(15:06):
moment.
And this question of, is it am Iworthy of being loved and cared
for starts be to become morereal for them, right?
They start to doubt their ownself-worth.
So what happens is that there'sthis signal that goes off that
says, I'm feeling distressed.
I have to figure out what's thecause of that distress.
(15:27):
So they amplify the distress toget a response.
And what can this look like?
This can be uh becoming verypushy and clingy in a way, like
wanting to hold on to the personbecause they fear that they're
gonna leave or that they'regonna disconnect from them or
that they're gonna pull away,right?
So they amplify that distresssignal by wanting to talk it out
(15:51):
and wanting to figure thingsout.
When the other person might nothave done anything, it was just
the interpretation of asituation or events that the
anxious attached person startsto create in their own mind.
Now, it's important, and I'vetried to make emphasis of this,
that we not delegitimize whatthey're feeling and what they're
experiencing, they're thinkingthat way because of how their
(16:13):
needs were or were not met whenthey were younger.
So it can feel very overwhelmingfor the other person, the
friend, boyfriend, girlfriend,the parent, the child.
It can be feel very overwhelmingfor them.
So I want to, if you're not theone who has the anxious
attachment style, I want you tojust see that there's a reason
(16:36):
for why they are behaving thatway.
For those of you who arelistening and are anxiously
attached, I want you to also seeyourself and just understand
that that just tells yousomething about how your needs
were met.
So you have to operate a littlebit differently when you're
moving into relationships to getthose needs met.
Because what you're doing by umseeking constant reassurance, by
(17:02):
questioning whether or not theperson loves you often, it might
push them away.
Right.
So the core fear here is thatyou're gonna be abandoned.
And the only way to kind ofchallenge that is that we look
at the history of therelationship, right?
Rupture repair.
We're gonna go back to thatright now.
(17:23):
So have there been ruptures inthe relationship before?
And obviously, if you've had afriend for a long time, it's a
relationship with a sibling, aromantic relationship, right?
There's I'm certain that there'sbeen uh a rupture at some point
in that friendship orrelationship.
So what you want to look at isokay, there was a rupture.
(17:44):
Oh, I remember we had this fightabout this particular thing, and
then after that, what happened?
That's what we're looking for.
Was there repair after thatrupture?
So, yeah, we were able to makeup and we talked about it, and
it seems like we were both onthe same page, but then it
happened again and we talkedabout it and it was feeling
better now, right?
So if you look at your historyand there was ruptures, but
(18:07):
there was always repair, thenthat kind of counters the fear
of you being abandoned, right?
Like the history, or um, as Ilike to say, the evidence shows
that when you've had ruptures,the person hasn't left, right?
So you got to challenge thebelief that you're gonna be
abandoned.
I know that your body is gonnafeel that though.
(18:29):
Your body's gonna feel like, no,but I'm so worried that they're
going to leave me at some point.
So, two practices that you haveto do here.
One is calming your nervoussystem down.
And how do you do that?
You can do breathing exercises,you can pray, you can get
together with a close friend,have you know, a cup of tea,
just a relaxing something thatcan relax your nervous system.
(18:53):
And then you can start tochallenge those beliefs of being
abandoned.
Okay, now this takes a lot oftime and it takes a lot of
practice, but I'm presentingthat to you so you can pay
attention to and say, okay, Iknow that I'm an anxious
attachment style.
I know that sometimes I strugglewith anxiety, and I know that I
worry about being abandoned.
(19:14):
So, what evidence do I have thatwill not happen moving forward?
And that's what you're gonnalook at.
What's the evidence of thehistory of that relationship?
So you say, Well, Sam, theperson has left and then they
came back, and now we're doingbetter, but I fear that they may
leave again, right?
Again, you really got to takenote of what is the actual
(19:37):
pattern.
If they left once and came backand things have been good since
then, then you know that happenssometimes.
It's something that you shouldpay attention to because it does
affect your nervous system.
But I don't think it means thatyou need to completely um
abandon or leave therelationship in a sense because
of how it made you feel that onetime.
(19:58):
But if that becomes a pattern,if things are really good and
there's this big thing thathappens an abandonment, things
are better now because they cameback and apologized, and it
happens again, right?
They apologize, things arebetter, and it happens again,
right?
So that really is the pattern.
So to identify these patterns,it does take a lot of time, and
you do have to be veryintentional about it.
Okay.
And what I often tell clients iswhen you're when you're doing
(20:22):
your prayers, when you'repracticing your breathing
exercises, when you'repracticing grounding techniques,
whatever the case is, um, toregulate your body, do that when
you're not feeling anxious.
Do that also when you are withthe person, right?
Because what is what is thatgonna do for you?
(20:43):
It's gonna tell your body that,or teach your body how to or
what it looks like to calm yourbody down when you're not
anxious.
So if you practice it enoughwhen you do become anxious, that
transition to, all right, I'mbreathing in, Lord help me
through this.
I know that this person's notgonna leave me.
(21:04):
I know they love me, I know theycare for me.
You know, teach me how to trustyou throughout this process,
right?
If you've been doing thatleading up to the times where
you get anxious, it's gonna be amuch smoother transition into
that.
Your body's gonna recognize whatyou're trying to do, your mind's
gonna recognize what you'retrying to do.
So you're gonna get there a lotfaster, right?
Don't try to practice this whenyou are in the anxious
(21:27):
situation, right?
Don't wait for that time to comeup to then try to practice
because your system is alreadyactivated.
It's ready to go, it's ready tolaunch, and you're not gonna be
able to implement thesepractices that help your body uh
regulate.
So it's very important.
Now, with attachment styles, oneof the things I like to
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encourage a lot of people whohave anxious attachment style is
to connect with people who aresecure in their attachments, who
are secure bases for them, whoprovide what we call
co-regulation, that when you'rearound them, you feel calmer,
right?
And that's probably why you likeyou like them a lot because you
feel calmer.
(22:08):
Now, the anxious and secure is acommon pairing, but it's not as
common as the anxious avoidant,right?
So with the avoidant, it makessense why your system would be
constantly dysregulated becauseit's this pursuer-distancer type
of relationship, and that doesnot help you to regulate um and
(22:30):
feel good in the relationship.
Okay.
So one of the main things that Ihope you've been able to see is
that obviously the other ones,um, the previous disorders had
some connection to arelationship, but it was very
specific, or um it was just away that you were feeling in
general.
With anxious attachment styles,it's how you feel and what
(22:54):
you're thinking when you're inclose, intimate relationships,
right?
Where you're vulnerable withanother person.
Your family knows you and theyknow a lot of you, uh, a lot of
who you are as a person.
So there's there's opennessthere, there's potential hurt
that can happen because we, youknow, most of us love and care
(23:14):
for our families.
Now, if you don't, obviouslythere's reasons behind that.
Um, that may be too much toexplore right now, but I want to
just focus on the anxiousattachment style about the
questions that it's answering.
Am I being am I worthy of beingloved and cared for?
And then the second one is areothers trustworthy and
dependable?
(23:35):
So not only do I need evidencesof me being worthy to someone
else, but can I depend on thisperson to be there for me when I
need them?
Again, if we go back to theexample or the practice that I
mentioned earlier, taking notesof what the rupture repair
process looks like.
If they have always come backand they've tried to repair the
(23:58):
relationship and you guys aregood, then they can be
dependable, right?
They can be trustworthy.
How are they when you'revulnerable?
How do they respond?
Do they tune in?
And are they able to listen andhear and reflect what you're
what you're saying?
Can they just be present, right?
They're not gonna have all ofthese various skills that we
(24:18):
have as counselors for those ofthose of us who counsel, but
they do have some um good skillsto tune into your story and what
it is that you're sharing, andthat's really what you're
wanting.
That's how you can develop trustwith another person.
How do they listen to my storyas I'm sharing this stressor?
(24:42):
Right?
You can learn a lot about peopleand how they respond to stress,
and that's the same for peoplewho are gonna be there for you.
When you're under stress, how dothey respond to that stress?
When you're under stress, how doyou respond?
What happens internally for you?
What have what do you startdoing physically?
Like what do you do when you'reunder stress?
(25:04):
Right.
And there's only gonna be somepeople who can handle it and
others who cannot.
So it's up to you to kind offirst learn really how to how to
regulate yourself, and then onceyou learn that, then you're
gonna be a better fit for thosepeople who you're actually
looking to connect with.
Again, there's a variety ofpeople that you need in your
circle of friends and you needwith your family and in
(25:28):
relationships to help youco-regulate.
Co-regulation is a good thing,right?
There you should have peoplearound you who help you
regulate.
That's that's what the point ofco-regulation is two nervous
systems communicating to eachother.
You're safe here.
Okay.
And we all want that.
So that is necessary, but alsowhen that person is not there,
(25:51):
you should also have the abilityto regulate yourself.
And everyone does thingsdifferently.
Some people journal, some peoplepray, some people read their
Bible, um, others connect with aclose friend, whatever that is
for you, do that so that youcan, you know, teach yourself
how to regulate.
(26:12):
Now, what does this look likethen when it comes to our faith?
Well, anxious attachment stylesare the ones that connect our
relationship with God, they'remost closely associated in our
relationship with God.
So how we perceive others isgoing to then transfer over to
how we see God.
Now it's been very interestingbecause this isn't always the
(26:35):
case, right?
If you have an anxiousattachment style, that doesn't
mean that you're automaticallygoing to have an anxious God
attachment because God may bethe one who is fulfilling that
need for you when you areanxious.
So when your friends looked atyou a certain way when you pass
by them today and you didn'tguess that they were tired, you
(26:59):
just thought, oh no, I must havedone something wrong because
they didn't say hi, or it seemedlike they ignored me, or they
looked upset at me, whatever thecase is.
So you turn to God and you say,Lord, did I do something?
You know, what's going on here?
Right?
He can be your go-to source.
And if he is, then you couldhave a secure attachment style,
right?
Again, how do you respond whenyou're under stress?
(27:21):
Who do you turn to?
And if it's to God, then you'regonna try to connect with him
through prayer, through readinghis word, through connecting
with a biblical uh spiritualmentor, right?
A pastor, a leader, someone thathelps you focus your attention
back to Christ.
And that is a good relationship,obviously, to have where Jesus
(27:44):
is your secure base.
So if you have an anxiousattachment style with people,
that does not necessarily meanthat you're gonna have an
anxious attachment style withGod.
A lot of times that is the case,but not all of the times.
So hopefully that gives you aperspective of okay, even if I
feel anxious with people, how doI feel in my relationship with
(28:05):
God?
Right?
Because I think for the anxiousattachment style at least, what
they're gonna feel is thatthey're not good enough, that
the Lord may be punishing themthrough this friendship that is
hurting them.
Well, I must have done somethingwrong.
And I know I told the Lord thatreally wanted this relationship,
and now I think this person isgonna break up with me.
So I must have done somethingwrong, right?
(28:27):
Again, we can transfer thatupbringing that we had with our
parents or with primarycaregivers and even into um
early childhood and carry thatinto our adult relationships and
our relationship with God andthink that God's gonna respond
the same way, right?
God is not our parents, he's notour close friends, he's not our
(28:48):
family, in the sense that hedoesn't do or isn't going to do
the things that they did to us.
God is perfect and he loves usperfectly and he's present with
us perfectly, he does everythingright.
So it's easy for us to assumethat that well, it can't be God
that's wrong, and he's not, butthe flip side to that is does
(29:13):
that mean then that there'ssomething wrong with you or is
it just the way in which you'reyou've learned to relate?
Right?
So that's what we want tochallenge.
Is this doesn't mean if you'renot in a secure relationship
with God, it doesn't mean thatthere's something wrong with you
in the sense of uh shame and uhyour evil and all of this stuff,
(29:35):
but it is, and this is biblical,it is the effect of sin on one's
life, right?
Our bodies are prone to worry.
Why?
Because we didn't have a securebase growing up, or we had our
needs met inconsistently, so ourbody is responding to what are
(29:57):
what we've experienced growingup.
Up.
And that's part of the fall,right?
If you had completely absentparents, you would see no need
for God.
You would think to yourself thatyou're everything, right?
The avoidant thinks that theydon't need anyone, they can do
everything themselves.
Even though they really wantconnection, they can do without
it because there's enoughevidence of them doing things
without other people.
(30:19):
So they would see that samerelationship in their in their
relationship with God and say,you know, I believe in God.
I know that He's there, but youknow, I think I'll be able to
get through anything that comesmy way.
Right.
There's no full dependence onGod.
So everyone has their thingbased off of their upbringing
(30:39):
and experiences.
It's just a matter of knowingwhat those things are and then
learning how to how to counterhow to counterbalance that.
Okay.
So I guess the question afterall of this, so can I become
securely attached and manage myanxiety better?
And the answer to that is yes,right?
Um, there's many episodes thatI've done on how you can become
(30:59):
securely attached, but one ofthe main ways in which I talk
about, and this is in relationto people, is to find some safe,
secure people, people who havethis view of themselves in a
positive way, not arrogant,right?
I'm not talking about thatthere's pride and arrogance in
the way that they viewthemselves, just that they feel
good about themselves.
And the way to kind of look atthat is talk to them about their
(31:22):
upbringing.
What was that like?
So you have some people whowould talk about, yeah, my
parents, you know, they'rereally great about meeting my
needs and letting me kind of um,you know, get some independence,
but also they provide some rulesand guidelines for me to follow.
And uh, I think that that wasreally beneficial for me.
Who, what kind of friends dothey have?
(31:43):
Are they able to relate?
It doesn't matter how many theyhave, right?
It's not the number offriendships that they have, it's
the quality of friendships thatthey have.
Um, so look at their closefriendships.
What do what do they look like?
Do they look like something thatyou want, right?
In the sense of how are theyable to meet each other's needs?
(32:03):
Because really, attachment styleis about how your needs were met
or not met when you were growingup.
And we try to find differentways in our adult um lives how
to get those needs met.
And we use different ways,different methods, different um
inclinations to try to get thoseneeds met.
So, yes, you can be securelyattached, and one of the ways to
(32:26):
do that is to find safe, securepeople who display those
pro-social behaviors that we'retalking about.
And can I be another question, Iguess, that can come up from
this is can I be securelyattached and still experience
anxiety?
And the answer to that is yes.
(32:46):
There can be times where youstill experience anxiety because
it's again part of part of ourfallen nature.
So you can be securely attached,and what that means is that
there's a long history trackrecord evidences of rupture
repair, of positive rupturerepair in that relationship.
(33:06):
Now, you don't want so manyruptures that that's the only
thing you see.
What you want is evidences ofwhen there were ruptures, we
were able to re-establishconnection after that, right?
That's what you want.
So even if there are bigexplosive moments where you look
at the friendship or therelationship, and there was this
(33:27):
big moment, what happened afterthat?
Right?
That's a pretty big rupture, abig fight.
You yelled, said something thatyou didn't want to say, and now
you come back together and youapologize and you move forward,
right?
And then maybe you have anotherbig rupture, and then maybe have
another big rupture.
But in general, you don't wantto see, you know, up down, up,
down that this is therelationship, right?
Kind of like a heartbeat.
(33:48):
You want to see kind of likelittle lines and you know, you
get a uh a little rupture there,and then you have little lines
and then rupture there.
Life happens.
Different situations cause us tobe stressed and anxious and
avoidant and all of thesedifferent things.
So you can still experienceanxiety even if you're in a
securely attached relationship.
(34:08):
The question is, remember, whatyou want to look at is how do
you repair after the ruptures?
And if you have a long historyand evidence of good repairs,
then you are in a securelyattached relationship.
It's all about how you justcommunicate with each other,
express your needs and meetthose needs within the
(34:28):
friendship relationship.
And remember that God usespeople to teach us something
about himself, he uses lifeexperiences to teach us about
himself.
And and more importantly, heuses scripture to teach us about
himself.
There's so much evidence inscripture of how much God loves
(34:48):
us and how much God is a securebase for his children.
So if you can look at all that,look at the evidences of God's
character, you will find that heis our secure base.
Guys, thank you for tuning in.
I hope for those of you guys whoare listening and maybe either
you're struggling with anxiousattachment style or you know
(35:10):
someone who's struggling withanxious attachment style, feel
free to share this episode.
Let them tune in, and hopefullythey're able to take a good
nugget of wisdom from this.
Alright, guys.
Well, I'll have another excitingtopic next time.
Until then, I'll talk to youthen.
Bye.
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