January 24, 2024 • 46 mins
Send Me Questions on Attachment
As we celebrate the 75th episode of the God Attachment Healing Podcast, I'm thrilled to share a poignant discussion on how we forge our Christian bonds. Have you ever considered the profound ways in which your early life, cultural background, and personal experiences shape not only your interactions with others but your very connection with God? This episode is a heartfelt journey into the world of attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—and their powerful influence on our relationship with the divine.
Embark on an introspective adventure with me as we tackle ten compelling questions from Christians seeking to understand their God attachment. We unravel the threads of our upbringing and examine the role of the church in shaping our faith. By exploring the narratives of biblical figures like Martha, Mary, and Peter, we uncover parallels to our own spiritual attachments and learn how to navigate towards a more secure bond with God. Expect a blend of deep personal insights, transformative stories of prayer and community, and the encouraging potential of scripture to fortify our connection with the divine.
This episode isn't just another milestone; it's a beacon of hope for those yearning to deepen their trust in Christ, especially if you find yourself grappling with fearful or avoidant tendencies. We discuss the possibility of healing from past wounds and building a secure attachment to God despite life’s adversities. Join me in discovering how supportive relationships and an understanding of God's unwavering love can lead us to a place of profound spiritual security. This is not just a conversation, but a path to discovering the steadfast presence of God in our lives.
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My mission is to help you understand your attachment style to learn how you can heal from the pain you’ve experienced in your relationship with God, the church and yourself.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Well, right, everyone , welcome to the God Attachment
Healing Podcast.
This is episode 75.
On the posting site which I use, which is Mussprout, it has
these little markers that showsokay, hit this milestone, hit
this milestone, hit this nextmilestone.
So I am now at 75 episodes,which is one of the big
(00:29):
milestones.
So that's why I'm prettyexcited about today's topic and
also excited about today'sepisode, because it's kind of
one of those markers where yourealize and I was thinking about
this as I was thinking aboutthis topic is man, like 75
episodes of just thinking aboutcontent and talking about
different things?
Now, if this is your first timelistening, you will probably
(00:52):
recognize that at the very firstpart of the podcast it was
called Created to Connect.
I don't think it shows thatanymore, but if you look at the
first 24, I think 24 episodes,it was called Created to Connect
.
And then I started thinkingabout okay, I'm going to work on
my doctoral work and I need topick a topic, what should I pick
(01:14):
?
And one of the things thatstarted coming up a lot within
Christian circles was thisaspect of shame.
So I wanted to see how doesreligion, how does Christianity,
how does faith, how does allthese things?
How do all these thingsinfluence how one experiences
shame?
So then I started the Genesisof Shame and that went on for a
couple of seasons and justrecently maybe last year, a year
(01:41):
and a half ago or so I changedit to God Attachment Healing and
that's what you're tuning intotoday.
So when I was thinking aboutthe process to get to where this
podcast is today, it's againwild to think that it was three
different things.
I mean, today it's GodAttachment Healing.
Used to be Created to Connect,used to be Genesis of Shame and
(02:04):
again today's God AttachmentHealing.
So I've been thinking a lotabout the journey here.
I don't think I was usingInstagram or Facebook for the
podcast at the beginning.
I think I waited a couple ofepisodes and then started using
that, but so far it's been areally good shift.
It seems like this is an aspectthat wasn't really touched on a
(02:24):
lot of how our attachment styleaffects our relationship with
God and with others, especiallywithin the church.
So that's kind of where thisdesire to do this podcast
started and I wanted to touch ontrauma, shame and attachment.
So all of those three areas arekind of where I usually focus
most of my content on and I'mthinking about not changing the
(02:49):
style of the podcast, but Iwanted to make it.
I mean, I looked throughresearch, I prepared for that, I
prepared for the questions thatI would ask myself if I want to
know more about God Attachment.
I really want to do a heavierbiblical integration because I
appreciate that there arecorrelations, there are
(03:12):
connections between ourattachment style and how we
relate to God.
So today's topic is going tofocus on questions that people
Christians from the ages of 22to 38 are asking about their
relationship with God, and I tryto zone in on do they have
questions about attachmentstyles?
(03:32):
And there is.
So I'm going to touch.
I have 10 different questionshere.
I'm going to try to addressthem all in this episode, but if
not, I might break this downinto two episodes.
I'm not fully sure yet.
We'll see how it goes, but I'mexcited to discuss this topic
with you and again, if this isyour first time listening, I
hope that you enjoy and that youget some insight from this
(03:54):
episode on what this podcast isall about.
And I am leaning towards havinga more biblically integrative
approach as I move forward.
And I'm still going to talkabout attachments.
So I'm going to talk aboutshame and the effects of trauma,
but I think this will be a good, a good shift.
So again, thank you for beinghere, thanks for downloading the
(04:16):
podcast, thanks for following.
I really appreciate it.
And let's go ahead and jump intothese questions.
So what are people asking inregards to attachment, in
regards to their relationshipwith God?
So I came up with thesequestions and I wanted to
elaborate on how these impactyour relationship with God.
(04:37):
One of the factors that is notobvious to anyone that you meet
in church is how you relate toGod and how you relate to each
other.
Like what influences that?
And that's what I refer to, orwhat the research refers to, as
an attachment style.
Now, I think most people nowunderstand kind of what their
(04:57):
attachment style is.
So there's kind of fourquadrants, right.
There's the secure.
That's where everyone wants tobe.
There's the anxious, the onewho's always questioning and is
kind of nervous and wants topeople please and wants to God
please, like all of thesedifferent things within the
church.
I got to do things rightbecause if not, I won't be
accepted.
And then you have the avoidant.
The avoidant who is distrustingof people and doesn't, doesn't
(05:18):
really know if they can trustGod's word, because he presents
this in scripture, but I don'tknow if I really believe that
because I've never known whatthat actually looks like, right?
So that's the avoidant.
And then you have the anxious,avoidant or disorganized who is
doesn't know which way to go.
Like sometimes they feel reallyanxious in their relationship
with God.
(05:39):
Other times they feel like theycan't trust him and they're
going back and forth and backand forth.
I can do things on my own, but,lord, I really need you right
now and kind of this again, thisrelationship with God.
That seems confusing for thembecause of their past, whatever
that may entail.
So when I think about God,attachment, healing, really what
(05:59):
we're looking at is knowing howyou relate to God and what's
caused it to become anxious,what caused it to become
avoidant, what caused it tobecome disorganized, right?
So a lot of that stems from ourfamily upbringing, a lot of it
stems from culture, a lot of itstems from your own individual
experiences and so on, right?
So hopefully, from answeringthese questions, I hope that
(06:22):
these questions kind of connectwith you, or maybe that a
question that you may have had,and that it provides some
clarity on how attachment stylescan affect your everyday life,
in your relationship with God.
So the first question is howdoes having a secure attachment
style affect our relationshipwith God?
(06:43):
Okay, so a secure attachmentstyle.
I usually use a chart, but thebest way to explain it is a
person who is secure has a highview of self and a high view of
others.
Now, when we say high view ofself or others, we're not saying
that they are arrogant, thatthey are narcissistic.
(07:05):
We're not saying that.
We're saying that this personoverall has a positive view of
themselves.
They don't look down onthemselves.
They feel pretty certain withwhat they believe.
They have direction, they havegoals, they have purpose.
They feel good about that,about themselves and with others
.
Because they've had so manyinteractions that have been
positive, they're able to seepeople in general as good.
(07:30):
I mean good in the sense thatmost people want to do good to
them, right, because that's whatthey've received.
So if you grow up in a familythat is very loving and caring
and nurturing, that makes senseto you, because that's what
you've experienced.
And then if you go to a churchand they're also loving and
caring and nurturing, then againthat makes a lot of sense to
(07:51):
you If you go to a school thathas good teachers and you have
good friends and there's goodparents there.
All of those things provide thesecure attachment style.
So when you relate to people,you have this expectation of you
.
Know what?
If I have a need, I can trustand believe that other people
are able to meet those needs.
So if God says that, bring allyour needs to me, bring all your
(08:15):
worries to me and cast youranxieties on him, right when he
says that to you, it makesperfect sense because whenever
you need it, something you'vegiven it over to your parents or
to friends or to other peopleand it's been met.
That need has been met.
So you have a history of havingneeds met right.
(08:36):
So whenever it comes to yourrelationship with God, having a
secure attachment means thatyour upbringing, your culture,
your background, all of thosethings have influenced that
belief.
When it comes to yourrelationship with God, it's
easier to believe what God'sword says.
For others who have not had thesame experience, it may be a
(08:56):
little bit more difficult.
Now I want to make somethingclear, okay, and this is why I
kind of want to move into thisbiblically integrative piece.
A person who is secure doesn'tneed for the Bible to be false
in order for them to thenquestion God's character.
(09:16):
Okay, and here's what I mean bythat Is that the Bible is true
and inerrant and infallible, nomatter what our experience or
what our beliefs are.
Okay, the Bible is true, it isinerrant, it is God's word to us
.
Okay, so that's clear.
(09:38):
Now, our personal experiencescan affect how we interpret
Scripture, and that is why,whenever we are growing in our
relationship with God andgrowing in our stronger, in our
attachment to Him, it'sconstantly reminding ourselves
and finding our minds tuninginto what God's word is actually
(09:58):
saying and allowing for God tospeak to us.
And I always talk about the bigthree through prayer, through
community and what's pouringthrough His word.
Right, we read His direct wordsto us as His people, as His
sons and daughters, to drawcloser to Him.
Okay, so that is what sets thestage for how we interact with
(10:21):
God Prayer, community, scripture.
So when we have a secureattachment, all of these
concepts, all of theseprinciples they make sense to us
because we've developed asecure attachment with other
people.
So if I can see this in mydaily life, in my interactions
with people, then it makes thattransition easier for me to see
(10:41):
it in my relationship with God.
This aspect of having securityallows us to approach God with
openness and vulnerability,knowing that he's going to
provide us with love and carebecause he is a Father to us,
and that is what fathers do.
It says in Psalm 91, verses 14and 15, because he loves me,
(11:02):
says the Lord, I will rescue Him, I will protect Him, for he
acknowledges my name.
He will call on me and I willanswer Him.
I will be with Him in trouble,I will deliver Him and honor Him
.
So this is from Psalm 91.
This is what the Psalmist saysabout God's character and who he
is.
So you constantly want to seeGod.
(11:24):
You constantly want to pursueHim through His word, through
prayer, through community.
You want to find ways toconnect with Him and these are
the ways in which we say to doit.
The whole New Testament isabout emphasizing sharing the
gospel with others, being incommunity with each other, not
neglecting to meet with oneanother, and this dependence on
(11:45):
God through prayer.
That was just question one, soyou can see that there is a lot
to say about these differentstyles.
Hopefully I can keep these alittle bit.
The next one's a little bitshorter, but I wanted to say all
of that in the first one sothat we can set the stage.
This podcast is for Christianswho want to understand their
(12:06):
attachment and how that'saffecting their relationship
with God.
So if you have a secureattachment, then this is how it
can benefit and help yourrelationship with God.
And, by the way, yourattachment style does change
through time.
It does change with time as youhave more and more positive
interactions with people, thenyou're going to have more and
more positive associations inyour relationship with God,
(12:27):
right, especially with people inthe church.
Most of the time, from whatI've been able to see and hear
from others, is that they'vebeen hurt by the church in some
way, shape or form and that madethem pull away from God, from
the church and so on.
And it's sad, it's a sadreality that happens.
I accept and understand that ithappens.
(12:50):
But for a person who has asecure attachment style,
whenever they enter that, anytype of suffering, they push
closer into their relationshipwith God.
Because, remember, whattriggers your attachment style
is a stressor, is a tribulation,is some form of pain or
suffering that triggers theattachment style of fear, right.
(13:12):
So whenever there's fear,whenever there's pain, whenever
there's suffering, yourattachment style is going to
turn on.
And that attachment style isgoing to either seek and move
towards God it's going to moveaway from God, right, so that's
the avoidant move away from God,kind of be distrusting or it's
(13:33):
going to check in and back andforth and want to people please
and have that same role with God, right?
Or just this constant back andforth.
God, I trust you, but I don'treally trust you.
God, yeah, I really do love you, but no, actually I hate you.
Now, because of what you'veallowed to happen in my life, a
securely attached person isgoing to press in to their
(13:53):
relationship with God.
They're going to find differentways to connect with Him and
find any way that they can toconnect with Him, and I regave
you the big three in regards tothat, alright.
So question number two can aperson with an anxious
attachment style still have adeep connection with God?
So I would say that, for themost part, when we talk about
(14:15):
the anxious attachment style, Ithink most people struggle with
their relationship with God.
In the anxious, they're moreanxiously attached to God.
Okay, so a person with ananxious attachment style may
require some extra effort andintentional practicing of
cultivating a secure attachmentto Him.
(14:36):
So, understanding the anxiousattachment style and if you look
back at through my IG page,you'll find a lot of different
videos about how the anxiousattachment style relates to God.
Like God, are you happy with me?
Do you accept me?
Do you want to be with me?
Are you disappointed in me?
(14:58):
Like there's these questions ofperformance.
Many of them are performanceoriented, like am I doing well,
am I doing good?
What else can I do to pleaseyou?
And if I don't, then I'm sorryabout that.
What can I do?
So there's this kind ofhumility to it in a sense, but
(15:18):
it's driven by fear.
So the anxious, the attachedperson, relates to God in a
sense of fear, and not fear aswe like to reference.
Like fear, god respect God forwho he is as God, the Creator,
god, the Father, god, our Savior.
We're not talking about thattype of fear.
It's the fear of abandonment.
(15:39):
The fear of abandonment is whatdrives the anxious attachment
style to press into God, so muchso that they never meet their
own expectations of how theyshould relate to God.
That is the anxious attachmentstyle.
They never measure up, theyalways feel like there's more to
do, right, so it becomes veryperformance oriented.
(16:02):
I need to do more.
I need to do more.
I need to be good enough to beable to be close to God, and if
I'm not good enough, then Godprobably pushes me away.
Okay, so can an anxiousattachment style have a deep
connection with God?
Yes, but there's a lot ofintentional practices, or yes,
and there's a lot of intentionalpracticing certain things to
(16:24):
draw closer to Him.
Now, this doesn't mean do moreto be accepted more or to be
loved more.
This basically means to startto challenge the fear of
rejection and the fear ofabandonment.
Will God actually reject you?
Will God abandon you?
(16:44):
Right?
And you may look at yourrelationship.
Well, everyone else has done so.
Everyone else has rejected me,everyone else has abandoned me,
right, and that drives ourprojection of those feelings to
God.
So, as we continually readscripture, as we continue to
pray to God, as we continuallyinteract with each other, with
(17:07):
other believers that's in ourcircles and we start to develop
a more secure attachment, right,that's what we need.
Those are the things that weneed to do in order to develop a
secure attachment to GodPraying, meditating on God's
promises Matthew 6, 26, 27.
Individuals with an anxiousattachment style can learn to
(17:30):
trust in God's love andfaithfulness.
So when those fears ofrejection or fears of
abandonment start to creep in,they can start to trust in God's
love and faithfulness.
So, repeating and meditating onwhat is God's love and
faithfulness to that personRight, anxious attachment style
in order to counter the stylethat you have.
(17:51):
If you're anxious, avoid it ordisorganize.
In order to counter that style,you need to know what that
style needs.
And for the anxious attachmentstyle, they need constant
reassurance, they need presence,they need acceptance, they need
non-judgmental, because they'realready harsh critics of
(18:13):
themselves, right?
So if they can experience thatwithin a church setting, then
that transition to God does loveme, god does accept me, god
does want to be with me and hedoesn't push me away.
It becomes easier to understandthat principle.
Okay, they need that consistentlove, support and presence in
(18:34):
their lives, a lot of evidenceto counter their fears of
rejection and abandonment.
They need a lot of positiveinteractions, positive evidence
to counter their fears ofrejection and abandonment.
Question number three how doesunderstanding our attachment
style help us understand ourrelationship with God?
(18:54):
Okay, so I've kind of touchedon that already.
So our attachments can provideinsight into how we approach and
relate to God.
For example, a person with asecure attachment style may
easily trust God and findcomfort in his presence, while a
person with an avoidantattachment style may struggle
with feeling distant from Godand relying on their own
self-sufficiency right?
(19:15):
So if you can understand kindof what area you need to work on
, so in this case, as I said,someone who has an avoidant
attachment style they oftendepend on their self-sufficiency
, which means that when theywere growing up, they didn't
have people who were able tomeet their needs and eventually
(19:35):
they had to find ways to meettheir own needs.
And because they developed ahistory of meeting their own
needs, they found reason or noreason to trust others with
meeting their needs, right?
So this person the avoidantattachment looks at people has a
low view of them in that youcan't meet my needs, has a high
(19:58):
view of self I'm able to meet myneeds and I've done it for
years and years and years so Idon't really need you to meet my
needs.
I'm able to do that.
So it doesn't allow there to becloseness and intimacy and
trust and safety in thatrelationship.
So, be it romantic orfriendship, whatever the case is
(20:19):
, the avoidant attachment styledoes not seek that closeness
because it doesn't trust it,because he or she doesn't trust
it, right?
So if you understand how yourelate to people, if you have an
avoidant attachment, then youstart to move that towards your
relationship with God and yourealize that the very thing that
(20:41):
God says that we can do to beself-sufficient, that we can do
things for our own, that we canmeet our own salvation by doing
good works, right, is the thingthat we start to do.
And it's the thing that Jesussays you can't do, you can never
be good enough to make it toheaven.
It's only through my son, jesusChrist, that you're able to
(21:03):
enter into heaven to be with me.
It's only through him, right?
So the avoidant attachmentstyle doesn't like that, because
it removes the power away fromthem.
It removes the ability for meto self-provide, away from
myself to heaven, right?
So a lot of people in modernculture have this idea of no,
(21:26):
I'm gonna get there, but I'll doit my way by being a good
person, right?
I don't need God to get toheaven, right?
I don't, or maybe I wantnothing to do with that God?
Right, again, the avoidant hasto put up walls to avoid
closeness, right?
Because closeness meansvulnerability.
Closeness means a full knowingof who you are, and the avoidant
(21:52):
doesn't like that, right?
If you're feeling lonely andyou've been asking for a spouse
and you still don't have one,you might say, well, god, I've
been asking for a spouse andI've been feeling lonely and
I've been feeling all thesedifferent things and you still
haven't provided someone, thenyou must not be trustworthy.
That is, an avoidantly attachedperson who finds reasons for
(22:14):
why God is not trustworthy,therefore reinforcing the belief
that I need to depend on myself.
Ok, so understanding yourattachment style is definitely
something that needs to beunderstood to know how to
counter that style and how todraw closer to God.
(22:35):
And next question are there anybiblical examples of different
attachment styles and theirimpact on a person's
relationship with God?
So I really like this question.
So there are biblical examplesof different attachment styles
and their influence in people'srelationship with God.
And Luke 10, 30 to 42, marthadisplays an anxious attachment
(22:56):
style.
How so Right, she becomesworried and overwhelmed with
serving and hosting Jesus.
Isn't this such a great exampleof an anxiously avoidant?
I mean an anxiously attachedindividual, someone who is
looking to please the otherperson.
Now you might say and I thinkthis is, it's going to depend on
(23:18):
perspective here, right?
So we could say that in thisparticular case, martha was
worried and overwhelmed.
And overwhelmed for wanting toserve and host Jesus.
Well, like, we could say thatthat's a good thing, that she
wanted to be a good host, right.
But the focus here was on shewas overwhelmed and worried,
(23:42):
right.
What was she worried about?
Now, we don't have that context,but typically, you know, as we,
as we connect with the, withthe passage, and we think about
are there ways in which I try tooverdo it for Jesus?
Right, and I'm not talkingabout going all in being
faithful, you know, giving yourheart to the Lord and really
(24:02):
serving Him in every capacitythat you can.
Well, what I'm saying is thatthat that doesn't determine or
change God's love or characteror care towards you, what you do
for Him.
It doesn't make it greater.
He loves you because he createdyou and he made you for Himself
(24:26):
, right, he made all of us forHimself to be in communion with
Him.
So here it's kind of alluding tothis aspect of OK, was she
doing this because she wanted topresent herself.
Well, and you know it's Jesus.
He's coming to our house and wegot to make sure everything is
ready, everything set.
(24:46):
So she was being driven in herattachment style from a place of
fear.
What happened if it was justthe way that it is?
What if the house was a mess?
You know, we know that when wehave people over, we're worried
about how the house looks, andwe wanted to look well, at least
I feel that way, and eventhough I know that my friends
(25:07):
aren't going to reject me or seeme differently if the house is
a little bit messy, right, sowe're going to be having three
boys like it's.
Like it's going to happen, it'sgoing to be messy, right?
So that's kind of the questionhere.
Is that, was that her attitude?
Right?
Then it says, while her sister,mary, displays a secure,
(25:29):
attachment style as she sits atJesus' feet and listens to Him,
right?
So it's this idea of just beingpresent, right?
We talked about a secure, newlyattached person is someone who
is present, someone who isconstant and consistent in their
presence, right?
So here she is, close to Jesus,listening to Him and sitting at
(25:52):
His feet, taking in everythingthat he's sharing.
She's being present, martha isnot Right.
So, essentially, the anxious,the attached individual, is so
busy thinking about all of thesedifferent things, all of these
variables out here, so much sothat they forget to be present
with the person that they'rewanting to be close to.
(26:12):
Ain't that interesting?
Right?
They're so busy and you know,that's why part of being or
having an anxious attachmentstyle is that you typically
they're overthinkers.
They overthink every singlesituation and may make it bigger
than what it actually is, andthat may have been the case here
.
Right, oh, I got it.
If everything's not ready, thenyou know I'm not a good host,
(26:34):
or whatever the case is.
But you can see these very twodifferent attachment styles.
And then we have anotherexample.
We have another example Now.
This is an example that Shows alittle bit, a little mix of
(26:58):
both.
Right, peter, as we know, isvery assertive.
He was very vocal, he kind ofacted at times without thinking,
but he was also one of theBrave ones who would take steps
that the other disciples didn'ttake, and he was one of the
three that Jesus would take intothese more intimate settings.
(27:21):
So it's interesting seeing thisaspect of Peter, because there
are times where he acts, avoidin like self-sufficient, like I
can do this, I got this right.
We have him, you know,classically, when he walks off
the boat, he's trusting Jesus,but then the waves start to grow
and they get bigger and hestarts to not trust Jesus and
then he starts to sink.
Jesus pulls them up, pulls themup and he says, oh ye, of
(27:45):
little faith, right, so it'sinteresting thinking about Peter
, because he seems to display alittle bit of both, right, but I
think these are some goodexamples that we can think about
and see, yeah, okay, that thatmakes sense.
And I'm hoping that's what I'mdoing them connecting these
pieces for you so that you cansee, okay, yeah, that's anxious,
yeah, that's avoid, and here'sthe anxious, avoid it and you're
(28:07):
able to see how this actuallyplays out.
Remember, there were people toothey were regular people who
wanted to know more about Jesus.
Okay, how can we improve ourAttachment to God if we have a
fearful or avoidant attachmentstyle?
Okay, again, this this justrequires intentional effort and
(28:29):
a willingness to change.
But one way is to work.
Improving is by practicingtrust and reliance on him.
Right, this is what faith is.
Faith is practicing trust andreliance on God.
That's what it is rightPracticing trust and reliance on
God, because I know who he is,I know his character.
(28:49):
Here's how he reveals himselfin scripture multiple times,
hundreds of times, thousands oftimes, and I still Question
whether or not he's reliableRight now.
What we don't like and here'ssomething that I think speaks to
us as we talk about this topicwe don't like God's timeline.
(29:10):
Like, we know that he'sreliable, but personally, when I
think about it, I know he'sreliable, I know that he's
trustworthy, but I don't likethe timeline.
I Don't like waiting to seewhen he's trustworthy and safe
and secure and dependable, right, I don't and I'm assuming that
(29:36):
you guys don't like that eitherto wait Because we know that he
is and as we're going through astage of suffering and pain and
hardship, we want for God toshow himself Reliable there in
that moment.
And the reality is that he is,but not in the way that we want
or not.
When we want.
(29:57):
Right, god is there and he is,is Comforting us in different
ways.
Right, if you're looking forhis comfort, you will find it.
If you're looking for his lackof presence, you'll find that
too.
All right, and again, that thatcould speak to your attachment
style, whatever that that may be, but one of the things that
(30:20):
you'll start to realize is thatthat God has been there
throughout those difficult times.
He is waiting for you to turnto him during those difficult
times.
So we don't like God's timeline, but he is there.
He is there.
We just don't like when, whenwe actually get that feeling or
(30:40):
that recognition or thatConfirmation that he is there.
Next question how does our earlyattachment to our earthly
parents or primary caregiversInfluence our attachment to God?
I mean, this is basically whatthe whole Podcast is about.
Right, our attachment to ourparents can greatly influence
our attachment to God, and whathappens, or what studies have
(31:01):
shown, is that individuals withthe secure and trusting
relationship with their parentsare more likely to have a Secure
and trusting relationship withGod.
We know that, right, we have amodel and I think, well, we know
that's why God has set up thefamily unit the way that he has.
There's a father, there's amother, both displaying aspects
of him in a very unique waywithin that oneness of the
(31:21):
marriage to their children, andthat Revelation is then seen and
received and accepted by thechildren and it makes sense to
them because that's how Godcreated it.
So if he creates the familyunit and that family unit is
safe, secure and trusting, thenit would make sense that when
(31:44):
they talk to me about this Godthat they believe in, in Jesus,
that I can then make thatconnection to here's how my
parents treat me and they'retalking about how Jesus treats
them.
Oh, that's someone I want toknow, that's someone who I can
also trust.
Right?
That connection is clear, heavyevidence on how that Influences
our relationship with God.
But those who have experiencedneglect, abuse or lack of
(32:06):
consistency in theirrelationship with their parents
may Struggle developing a secureattachment style to God.
Okay, so think about that.
Neglect, abuse or lack ofconsistency, those are the big
three in in People'srelationship, the with their
parents.
When they develop either ananxious or an avoidant or
disorganized attachment styleagainst, severity makes a big
(32:27):
difference, the length of timemakes a big difference and In
how they start to perceivethemselves and how they perceive
others, right.
So there's this aspect againhigh view of self, high view of
others, or high view and highview of God.
That's for the secure right forthe anxious.
Low view of self, high view ofothers.
That's why it leads to thepeople placing for the avoidant,
(32:49):
high view of self, low view ofothers right, I can't depend on
anyone.
I've done everything on my own,so therefore I'm going to just
trust and believe in myself.
And then there's the anxiousavoidant who has a low view of
self and also a low view ofothers.
My meets, my needs, have neverbeen met, where they've been met
Inconsistently.
(33:09):
So I don't know who to trust.
I don't know what I actuallythink and I want to be close to
people, but I can't, becausemaybe I'm not likable, maybe
they don't want me around, maybeI'm too flawed, I'm too broken
right To be in a relationship.
But I still really want to bein a relationship, I still
really want to get close to God,but I don't know.
He hasn't really proven himselfto me, like all of these
different thoughts that peoplehave About their relationship
(33:33):
with God because of how theygrew up in their homes.
So definitely a heavy influencefrom our relationship with our
parents.
Next question is it possible tohave a secure attachment to God
Even if we have experienced adifficult childhood or trauma?
This is a really good question,because this is the work that I
do.
I work with clients who havetrauma not all of them.
(33:54):
But I have a good load ofChildren who have experienced
trauma, even in Christian homes,and that is sad.
It's difficult because I knowthat their view of God in the
present was affected by how theyrelated to their parents or how
their parents related to them.
So is it possible yes, it'spossible for them to have a
(34:18):
secure attachment to God, butit's important that they
understand those earlyattachment experiences do
influence their relationshipwith God and their attachment to
him is based on his love,faithfulness and grace Right.
So there's this new transitionfrom my needs were not met, I
was abused, I was mistreated, Iwas neglected and my parents
(34:41):
were inconsistent in meeting myneeds.
And now I believe the samething about God.
Now there's this theory.
There's two theories actually.
One is the correspondencetheory, which is what I was kind
of relating to in the firstexample is that the way that our
parents treat us during ourchildhood is how we then start
(35:02):
to perceive God in our adulthood.
So if our parents were loving,safe, secure, nurturing right,
we can make that transition intoour relationship with God and
see him as loving, safe,nurturing and so on.
If our parents were neglectful,inconsistent and cruel, then we
start to see God in that sameway inconsistent, unloving,
(35:25):
cruel, right.
So that is the correspondencetheory that the way that your
parents treated you correspondsto the way that you're going to
see God Now.
There's a different theory,though, and this actually this
is typically happens more sowith people who did not grow up
in Christian homes.
So if they did not grow up inChristian homes, they have had a
(35:45):
negative experience with theirparents, where the parents were
unable to meet their needs andthey were mistreated, abused,
neglected, whatever the case is.
And then they come to knowChrist later on in life, and in
learning and knowing more aboutChrist, god then starts to fill
in all of those holes that theyhad, all of those needs that
(36:07):
they didn't get met when theywere children.
God starts to meet those needsfor them in their adult lives,
or from time that they start to,when they received Christ into
their hearts.
So they go on this journey ofman.
Now I'm just seeing everythingthat I need, and now God is
providing.
God is providing, god isproviding, and it's this sense
of security, right, this trust,this in his love and his
(36:29):
faithfulness and his grace.
Like you understand gracedifferently, you understand love
differently, like this pursuitof I was lost and now I'm found
Like there's this desire to wantto know God because of the pain
, right.
So, even though there's thistraumatic past in history, now
you come to know Christ and hestarts to meet and fill in all
(36:51):
these gaps that you thoughtwould never be filled, right?
So, even if you've had asignificant childhood, traumatic
childhood, god is able, or youare able, to develop a secure
attachment.
It comes with more work, withmore barriers, but it is
(37:11):
possible, right and I want tofocus on that aspect of it is
possible to do so to develop asecure attachment, no matter
where you are in your life, nomatter what you've experienced
in the past, that you can moveinto having a secure attachment
style.
And there's a lot of factorsthat play into that and I you
know go back list to a couple ofepisodes where I reference
(37:32):
understanding your attachmentstyle.
How can a person with a secureattachment style support those
who may have a less secureattachment to God?
This is really good because,again, the interactions that you
have with other people are lifechanging, right, they're
corrective attachmentexperiences.
If I have had, as a history,pure negative experiences with
(37:56):
people in authority, with peoplewho said that they love me and
they care for me, but myexperience with experiences with
them have been negative.
Then I'm going to have a hardtime trusting other people,
right, even if it's one person,they come in, they interact with
me and it's a positiveinteraction.
I'll go away from thatquestioning Was that actually
them being genuine or was it?
(38:16):
You know, am I just settingmyself up for disappointment?
Right?
But if it happens again,another positive interaction,
and another positive interaction, and another one, then I start
to believe on my way.
This is happening more often.
You know, is this good?
I think this is good, like, Ilike this.
So, as you have more of thosepositive interactions with
(38:38):
people, you start to develop amore secure attachment style.
Now you can view people in ahigher, a more positive view of
people than I had before, right,because you're having a
corrective attachment experiencewith these different people,
and your view of self alsostarts to change too, like
people think that I'm worse thanthat.
They're paying attention to me,they want to help me, they want
(38:58):
to meet these needs that I have, right?
So, again, your framework forhow you view yourself and how
you view others starts to change, which then now, as you're
reading scripture and you'reseeing how God meets all of your
needs and you know what he'sdone for the Israelites and how
he met different needs atdifferent times, that all starts
to make sense because you'rehaving these corrective
attachment experiences.
(39:19):
So, a person who has a secureattachment style one thing that
you can do with those who have aless secure attachment style is
go love them and do whatsecurely attached people do Be
present, be consistent, betrustworthy, right All of those
things.
Be that for that person and youwill see with time how that
(39:40):
relationship changes.
How they view themselves, howthey view others, how they view
God will change.
Right Again, as you include inthat the use of prayer,
scripture and community.
Those three things willcontinue to affect that.
The last question here what aresome practical steps we can take
(40:00):
to deepen our attachment to Godand strengthen our relationship
to him?
Okay, again, I'm finalizingwith this with the big three
here right, reading andmeditating on scripture Super
important, whether it belistening to scripture.
Again, the idea is to knowGod's word, to know to
(40:22):
differentiate between what'strue, what God's word actually
says and what peoplemisinterpreted to say, which
happens a lot today.
There are a lot of pastors,preachers I wouldn't even call
them pastors, but there's a lotof preachers, you know,
motivational speakers who willsprinkle God into the message.
But it's really a message onmotivation, on how to do things
(40:46):
a certain way and here's yourthree steps to a highly
successful life and here's howyou can get out of this.
And they're not preaching God'sword or the gospel, right.
So when you're filling your mindwith scripture, when you're
praying to God on a consistentbasis, when you're interacting
(41:08):
with other people who alsobelieve in God's word as being
the authority of their lives andwho are also praying for you
and for God's will in theirlives, like all of those things
start to change your change anddeepen your relationship with
God.
Seeking community support fromfellow believers, actively
(41:30):
working on trusting and relyingon God's will.
Again, there's this active,actively trusting and relying on
God, which means that there'sgoing to be consistent
temptations to not believe thegood about God.
Because, oh well, your past,you know.
How are you going to be worthyto God?
(41:50):
Like, look at all the sin thatyou've committed and look at how
your parents were with you andlook, you're not important.
How can you go to this churchand you know one says hi to you
or no one does this.
Like you know, st wants you tobelieve those things Right.
Sin part of the effective sinis that it distorts our view of
God.
So the only way to counter thatis again through the big three.
Okay, interact with other Biblebelieving Christians who are
(42:15):
seeking God's will.
Pray to God, be with him on aconsensual basis and Read
scripture.
You read it for yourselves.
Acts 1711 talks about what theBereans there right, that they
read the Bible day and night tomake sure that what they were
being taught was true.
That's where this aspect of bea berean, or this a Theme or or
(42:36):
phrase of be a berean comes from, because they actively sought
to search the scriptures dailyto see if what they were being
taught Was true.
Be a berean.
These things are doing thesethings will strengthen and
deepen your relationship withGod.
That was a lot.
We went through a lot with thesedifferent questions and
(42:59):
hopefully you have a betterunderstanding of what this page
is about.
I mean, this is episode 75 andI was like, okay, well, it would
be a good, good topic if I justthink about some questions that
people would have aboutattachment.
Hopefully this kind of sparkedsome more questions for you and
if they did, please feel free toemail me.
Sl, sl, connect, oh eight atgmailcom and you know I will
(43:22):
answer those questions in anepisode.
I'm thinking of Making asubscriber base where you can
submit a question and I willdirectly respond to that.
But yeah, in a podcast episodeor be it through email or be it
on a post, like I'm trying toflesh that out, in the next
couple of weeks You're gonna seesome new things, new resources
(43:44):
that are hopefully helpful foryou and that you can use so that
you can continue to grow Inyour walk with Christ.
That's ultimately my desirethat you, that this page is
helping you walk closer toChrist, and that understanding
your attachments Now it's justone of the things that I'm
studying and then I'm passionateabout it's part.
It's gonna be part of mydissertation.
Shame has been a big part of mystory and the story of many
(44:07):
others, so thinking through thatis an element of this, of this
page as well.
But ultimately, the goal isthat you draw closer to Christ
by understanding these things.
Shame often pushes us away fromGod.
Our attachment style is notunderstanding them, makes us
think that there's somethingwrong with us or that God is not
trustworthy or dependable,right?
(44:27):
So if you're understandingthese aspects of how you're
relating to God, then hopefullyyou can counter that and start
to draw closer to God.
Okay, so?
So that is kind of the heartbehind this podcast and I hope
that you feel that.
I hope that you know that andthat I'm focused on making sure
(44:48):
that the gospel is presented.
You know, throughout this page,I've done a number of videos
where and it has happened Idon't have many that have
withdrawn or or unfollowed thepage because of my stance.
Most of the people, I think,believe that Jesus Christ is the
only way to heaven, so is theonly way to God, so they
(45:12):
subscribe to the page or theyfollow the page.
So if that's you, thank you somuch.
And if you're listening andyou've been listening to his
podcast for a while now, again,I can't say how much, how
appreciative I am of yoursupport, even in just listening.
Right, I know when you listento podcast, something you just
kind of doing your own thing andsomething will stick out to you
and I'm hoping that one ofthese questions connects and
(45:34):
that it Makes you want to followChrist and deepen your
relationship with him.
So, guys, episode 75.
Thank you for tuning in.
It's a big marker to reach andI'm hoping to get to 100
episodes by the end of the year.
So we'll see how that goes.
But thank you for tuning in andyou have a good one.
Well, right, everyone , welcome to the God Attachment
Healing Podcast.
This is episode 75.
On the posting site which I use, which is Mussprout, it has
these little markers that showsokay, hit this milestone, hit
this milestone, hit this nextmilestone.
So I am now at 75 episodes,which is one of the big
(00:29):
milestones.
So that's why I'm prettyexcited about today's topic and
also excited about today'sepisode, because it's kind of
one of those markers where yourealize and I was thinking about
this as I was thinking aboutthis topic is man, like 75
episodes of just thinking aboutcontent and talking about
different things?
Now, if this is your first timelistening, you will probably
(00:52):
recognize that at the very firstpart of the podcast it was
called Created to Connect.
I don't think it shows thatanymore, but if you look at the
first 24, I think 24 episodes,it was called Created to Connect
.
And then I started thinkingabout okay, I'm going to work on
my doctoral work and I need topick a topic, what should I pick
(01:14):
?
And one of the things thatstarted coming up a lot within
Christian circles was thisaspect of shame.
So I wanted to see how doesreligion, how does Christianity,
how does faith, how does allthese things?
How do all these thingsinfluence how one experiences
shame?
So then I started the Genesisof Shame and that went on for a
couple of seasons and justrecently maybe last year, a year
(01:41):
and a half ago or so I changedit to God Attachment Healing and
that's what you're tuning intotoday.
So when I was thinking aboutthe process to get to where this
podcast is today, it's againwild to think that it was three
different things.
I mean, today it's GodAttachment Healing.
Used to be Created to Connect,used to be Genesis of Shame and
(02:04):
again today's God AttachmentHealing.
So I've been thinking a lotabout the journey here.
I don't think I was usingInstagram or Facebook for the
podcast at the beginning.
I think I waited a couple ofepisodes and then started using
that, but so far it's been areally good shift.
It seems like this is an aspectthat wasn't really touched on a
(02:24):
lot of how our attachment styleaffects our relationship with
God and with others, especiallywithin the church.
So that's kind of where thisdesire to do this podcast
started and I wanted to touch ontrauma, shame and attachment.
So all of those three areas arekind of where I usually focus
most of my content on and I'mthinking about not changing the
(02:49):
style of the podcast, but Iwanted to make it.
I mean, I looked throughresearch, I prepared for that, I
prepared for the questions thatI would ask myself if I want to
know more about God Attachment.
I really want to do a heavierbiblical integration because I
appreciate that there arecorrelations, there are
(03:12):
connections between ourattachment style and how we
relate to God.
So today's topic is going tofocus on questions that people
Christians from the ages of 22to 38 are asking about their
relationship with God, and I tryto zone in on do they have
questions about attachmentstyles?
(03:32):
And there is.
So I'm going to touch.
I have 10 different questionshere.
I'm going to try to addressthem all in this episode, but if
not, I might break this downinto two episodes.
I'm not fully sure yet.
We'll see how it goes, but I'mexcited to discuss this topic
with you and again, if this isyour first time listening, I
hope that you enjoy and that youget some insight from this
(03:54):
episode on what this podcast isall about.
And I am leaning towards havinga more biblically integrative
approach as I move forward.
And I'm still going to talkabout attachments.
So I'm going to talk aboutshame and the effects of trauma,
but I think this will be a good, a good shift.
So again, thank you for beinghere, thanks for downloading the
(04:16):
podcast, thanks for following.
I really appreciate it.
And let's go ahead and jump intothese questions.
So what are people asking inregards to attachment, in
regards to their relationshipwith God?
So I came up with thesequestions and I wanted to
elaborate on how these impactyour relationship with God.
(04:37):
One of the factors that is notobvious to anyone that you meet
in church is how you relate toGod and how you relate to each
other.
Like what influences that?
And that's what I refer to, orwhat the research refers to, as
an attachment style.
Now, I think most people nowunderstand kind of what their
(04:57):
attachment style is.
So there's kind of fourquadrants, right.
There's the secure.
That's where everyone wants tobe.
There's the anxious, the onewho's always questioning and is
kind of nervous and wants topeople please and wants to God
please, like all of thesedifferent things within the
church.
I got to do things rightbecause if not, I won't be
accepted.
And then you have the avoidant.
The avoidant who is distrustingof people and doesn't, doesn't
(05:18):
really know if they can trustGod's word, because he presents
this in scripture, but I don'tknow if I really believe that
because I've never known whatthat actually looks like, right?
So that's the avoidant.
And then you have the anxious,avoidant or disorganized who is
doesn't know which way to go.
Like sometimes they feel reallyanxious in their relationship
with God.
(05:39):
Other times they feel like theycan't trust him and they're
going back and forth and backand forth.
I can do things on my own, but,lord, I really need you right
now and kind of this again, thisrelationship with God.
That seems confusing for thembecause of their past, whatever
that may entail.
So when I think about God,attachment, healing, really what
(05:59):
we're looking at is knowing howyou relate to God and what's
caused it to become anxious,what caused it to become
avoidant, what caused it tobecome disorganized, right?
So a lot of that stems from ourfamily upbringing, a lot of it
stems from culture, a lot of itstems from your own individual
experiences and so on, right?
So hopefully, from answeringthese questions, I hope that
(06:22):
these questions kind of connectwith you, or maybe that a
question that you may have had,and that it provides some
clarity on how attachment stylescan affect your everyday life,
in your relationship with God.
So the first question is howdoes having a secure attachment
style affect our relationshipwith God?
(06:43):
Okay, so a secure attachmentstyle.
I usually use a chart, but thebest way to explain it is a
person who is secure has a highview of self and a high view of
others.
Now, when we say high view ofself or others, we're not saying
that they are arrogant, thatthey are narcissistic.
(07:05):
We're not saying that.
We're saying that this personoverall has a positive view of
themselves.
They don't look down onthemselves.
They feel pretty certain withwhat they believe.
They have direction, they havegoals, they have purpose.
They feel good about that,about themselves and with others
.
Because they've had so manyinteractions that have been
positive, they're able to seepeople in general as good.
(07:30):
I mean good in the sense thatmost people want to do good to
them, right, because that's whatthey've received.
So if you grow up in a familythat is very loving and caring
and nurturing, that makes senseto you, because that's what
you've experienced.
And then if you go to a churchand they're also loving and
caring and nurturing, then againthat makes a lot of sense to
(07:51):
you If you go to a school thathas good teachers and you have
good friends and there's goodparents there.
All of those things provide thesecure attachment style.
So when you relate to people,you have this expectation of you
.
Know what?
If I have a need, I can trustand believe that other people
are able to meet those needs.
So if God says that, bring allyour needs to me, bring all your
(08:15):
worries to me and cast youranxieties on him, right when he
says that to you, it makesperfect sense because whenever
you need it, something you'vegiven it over to your parents or
to friends or to other peopleand it's been met.
That need has been met.
So you have a history of havingneeds met right.
(08:36):
So whenever it comes to yourrelationship with God, having a
secure attachment means thatyour upbringing, your culture,
your background, all of thosethings have influenced that
belief.
When it comes to yourrelationship with God, it's
easier to believe what God'sword says.
For others who have not had thesame experience, it may be a
(08:56):
little bit more difficult.
Now I want to make somethingclear, okay, and this is why I
kind of want to move into thisbiblically integrative piece.
A person who is secure doesn'tneed for the Bible to be false
in order for them to thenquestion God's character.
(09:16):
Okay, and here's what I mean bythat Is that the Bible is true
and inerrant and infallible, nomatter what our experience or
what our beliefs are.
Okay, the Bible is true, it isinerrant, it is God's word to us
.
Okay, so that's clear.
(09:38):
Now, our personal experiencescan affect how we interpret
Scripture, and that is why,whenever we are growing in our
relationship with God andgrowing in our stronger, in our
attachment to Him, it'sconstantly reminding ourselves
and finding our minds tuninginto what God's word is actually
(09:58):
saying and allowing for God tospeak to us.
And I always talk about the bigthree through prayer, through
community and what's pouringthrough His word.
Right, we read His direct wordsto us as His people, as His
sons and daughters, to drawcloser to Him.
Okay, so that is what sets thestage for how we interact with
(10:21):
God Prayer, community, scripture.
So when we have a secureattachment, all of these
concepts, all of theseprinciples they make sense to us
because we've developed asecure attachment with other
people.
So if I can see this in mydaily life, in my interactions
with people, then it makes thattransition easier for me to see
(10:41):
it in my relationship with God.
This aspect of having securityallows us to approach God with
openness and vulnerability,knowing that he's going to
provide us with love and carebecause he is a Father to us,
and that is what fathers do.
It says in Psalm 91, verses 14and 15, because he loves me,
(11:02):
says the Lord, I will rescue Him, I will protect Him, for he
acknowledges my name.
He will call on me and I willanswer Him.
I will be with Him in trouble,I will deliver Him and honor Him
.
So this is from Psalm 91.
This is what the Psalmist saysabout God's character and who he
is.
So you constantly want to seeGod.
(11:24):
You constantly want to pursueHim through His word, through
prayer, through community.
You want to find ways toconnect with Him and these are
the ways in which we say to doit.
The whole New Testament isabout emphasizing sharing the
gospel with others, being incommunity with each other, not
neglecting to meet with oneanother, and this dependence on
(11:45):
God through prayer.
That was just question one, soyou can see that there is a lot
to say about these differentstyles.
Hopefully I can keep these alittle bit.
The next one's a little bitshorter, but I wanted to say all
of that in the first one sothat we can set the stage.
This podcast is for Christianswho want to understand their
(12:06):
attachment and how that'saffecting their relationship
with God.
So if you have a secureattachment, then this is how it
can benefit and help yourrelationship with God.
And, by the way, yourattachment style does change
through time.
It does change with time as youhave more and more positive
interactions with people, thenyou're going to have more and
more positive associations inyour relationship with God,
(12:27):
right, especially with people inthe church.
Most of the time, from whatI've been able to see and hear
from others, is that they'vebeen hurt by the church in some
way, shape or form and that madethem pull away from God, from
the church and so on.
And it's sad, it's a sadreality that happens.
I accept and understand that ithappens.
(12:50):
But for a person who has asecure attachment style,
whenever they enter that, anytype of suffering, they push
closer into their relationshipwith God.
Because, remember, whattriggers your attachment style
is a stressor, is a tribulation,is some form of pain or
suffering that triggers theattachment style of fear, right.
(13:12):
So whenever there's fear,whenever there's pain, whenever
there's suffering, yourattachment style is going to
turn on.
And that attachment style isgoing to either seek and move
towards God it's going to moveaway from God, right, so that's
the avoidant move away from God,kind of be distrusting or it's
(13:33):
going to check in and back andforth and want to people please
and have that same role with God, right?
Or just this constant back andforth.
God, I trust you, but I don'treally trust you.
God, yeah, I really do love you, but no, actually I hate you.
Now, because of what you'veallowed to happen in my life, a
securely attached person isgoing to press in to their
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relationship with God.
They're going to find differentways to connect with Him and
find any way that they can toconnect with Him, and I regave
you the big three in regards tothat, alright.
So question number two can aperson with an anxious
attachment style still have adeep connection with God?
So I would say that, for themost part, when we talk about
(14:15):
the anxious attachment style, Ithink most people struggle with
their relationship with God.
In the anxious, they're moreanxiously attached to God.
Okay, so a person with ananxious attachment style may
require some extra effort andintentional practicing of
cultivating a secure attachmentto Him.
(14:36):
So, understanding the anxiousattachment style and if you look
back at through my IG page,you'll find a lot of different
videos about how the anxiousattachment style relates to God.
Like God, are you happy with me?
Do you accept me?
Do you want to be with me?
Are you disappointed in me?
(14:58):
Like there's these questions ofperformance.
Many of them are performanceoriented, like am I doing well,
am I doing good?
What else can I do to pleaseyou?
And if I don't, then I'm sorryabout that.
What can I do?
So there's this kind ofhumility to it in a sense, but
(15:18):
it's driven by fear.
So the anxious, the attachedperson, relates to God in a
sense of fear, and not fear aswe like to reference.
Like fear, god respect God forwho he is as God, the Creator,
god, the Father, god, our Savior.
We're not talking about thattype of fear.
It's the fear of abandonment.
(15:39):
The fear of abandonment is whatdrives the anxious attachment
style to press into God, so muchso that they never meet their
own expectations of how theyshould relate to God.
That is the anxious attachmentstyle.
They never measure up, theyalways feel like there's more to
do, right, so it becomes veryperformance oriented.
(16:02):
I need to do more.
I need to do more.
I need to be good enough to beable to be close to God, and if
I'm not good enough, then Godprobably pushes me away.
Okay, so can an anxiousattachment style have a deep
connection with God?
Yes, but there's a lot ofintentional practices, or yes,
and there's a lot of intentionalpracticing certain things to
(16:24):
draw closer to Him.
Now, this doesn't mean do moreto be accepted more or to be
loved more.
This basically means to startto challenge the fear of
rejection and the fear ofabandonment.
Will God actually reject you?
Will God abandon you?
(16:44):
Right?
And you may look at yourrelationship.
Well, everyone else has done so.
Everyone else has rejected me,everyone else has abandoned me,
right, and that drives ourprojection of those feelings to
God.
So, as we continually readscripture, as we continue to
pray to God, as we continuallyinteract with each other, with
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other believers that's in ourcircles and we start to develop
a more secure attachment, right,that's what we need.
Those are the things that weneed to do in order to develop a
secure attachment to GodPraying, meditating on God's
promises Matthew 6, 26, 27.
Individuals with an anxiousattachment style can learn to
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trust in God's love andfaithfulness.
So when those fears ofrejection or fears of
abandonment start to creep in,they can start to trust in God's
love and faithfulness.
So, repeating and meditating onwhat is God's love and
faithfulness to that personRight, anxious attachment style
in order to counter the stylethat you have.
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If you're anxious, avoid it ordisorganize.
In order to counter that style,you need to know what that
style needs.
And for the anxious attachmentstyle, they need constant
reassurance, they need presence,they need acceptance, they need
non-judgmental, because they'realready harsh critics of
(18:13):
themselves, right?
So if they can experience thatwithin a church setting, then
that transition to God does loveme, god does accept me, god
does want to be with me and hedoesn't push me away.
It becomes easier to understandthat principle.
Okay, they need that consistentlove, support and presence in
(18:34):
their lives, a lot of evidenceto counter their fears of
rejection and abandonment.
They need a lot of positiveinteractions, positive evidence
to counter their fears ofrejection and abandonment.
Question number three how doesunderstanding our attachment
style help us understand ourrelationship with God?
(18:54):
Okay, so I've kind of touchedon that already.
So our attachments can provideinsight into how we approach and
relate to God.
For example, a person with asecure attachment style may
easily trust God and findcomfort in his presence, while a
person with an avoidantattachment style may struggle
with feeling distant from Godand relying on their own
self-sufficiency right?
(19:15):
So if you can understand kindof what area you need to work on
, so in this case, as I said,someone who has an avoidant
attachment style they oftendepend on their self-sufficiency
, which means that when theywere growing up, they didn't
have people who were able tomeet their needs and eventually
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they had to find ways to meettheir own needs.
And because they developed ahistory of meeting their own
needs, they found reason or noreason to trust others with
meeting their needs, right?
So this person the avoidantattachment looks at people has a
low view of them in that youcan't meet my needs, has a high
(19:58):
view of self I'm able to meet myneeds and I've done it for
years and years and years so Idon't really need you to meet my
needs.
I'm able to do that.
So it doesn't allow there to becloseness and intimacy and
trust and safety in thatrelationship.
So, be it romantic orfriendship, whatever the case is
(20:19):
, the avoidant attachment styledoes not seek that closeness
because it doesn't trust it,because he or she doesn't trust
it, right?
So if you understand how yourelate to people, if you have an
avoidant attachment, then youstart to move that towards your
relationship with God and yourealize that the very thing that
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God says that we can do to beself-sufficient, that we can do
things for our own, that we canmeet our own salvation by doing
good works, right, is the thingthat we start to do.
And it's the thing that Jesussays you can't do, you can never
be good enough to make it toheaven.
It's only through my son, jesusChrist, that you're able to
(21:03):
enter into heaven to be with me.
It's only through him, right?
So the avoidant attachmentstyle doesn't like that, because
it removes the power away fromthem.
It removes the ability for meto self-provide, away from
myself to heaven, right?
So a lot of people in modernculture have this idea of no,
(21:26):
I'm gonna get there, but I'll doit my way by being a good
person, right?
I don't need God to get toheaven, right?
I don't, or maybe I wantnothing to do with that God?
Right, again, the avoidant hasto put up walls to avoid
closeness, right?
Because closeness meansvulnerability.
Closeness means a full knowingof who you are, and the avoidant
(21:52):
doesn't like that, right?
If you're feeling lonely andyou've been asking for a spouse
and you still don't have one,you might say, well, god, I've
been asking for a spouse andI've been feeling lonely and
I've been feeling all thesedifferent things and you still
haven't provided someone, thenyou must not be trustworthy.
That is, an avoidantly attachedperson who finds reasons for
(22:14):
why God is not trustworthy,therefore reinforcing the belief
that I need to depend on myself.
Ok, so understanding yourattachment style is definitely
something that needs to beunderstood to know how to
counter that style and how todraw closer to God.
(22:35):
And next question are there anybiblical examples of different
attachment styles and theirimpact on a person's
relationship with God?
So I really like this question.
So there are biblical examplesof different attachment styles
and their influence in people'srelationship with God.
And Luke 10, 30 to 42, marthadisplays an anxious attachment
(22:56):
style.
How so Right, she becomesworried and overwhelmed with
serving and hosting Jesus.
Isn't this such a great exampleof an anxiously avoidant?
I mean an anxiously attachedindividual, someone who is
looking to please the otherperson.
Now you might say and I thinkthis is, it's going to depend on
(23:18):
perspective here, right?
So we could say that in thisparticular case, martha was
worried and overwhelmed.
And overwhelmed for wanting toserve and host Jesus.
Well, like, we could say thatthat's a good thing, that she
wanted to be a good host, right.
But the focus here was on shewas overwhelmed and worried,
(23:42):
right.
What was she worried about?
Now, we don't have that context,but typically, you know, as we,
as we connect with the, withthe passage, and we think about
are there ways in which I try tooverdo it for Jesus?
Right, and I'm not talkingabout going all in being
faithful, you know, giving yourheart to the Lord and really
(24:02):
serving Him in every capacitythat you can.
Well, what I'm saying is thatthat that doesn't determine or
change God's love or characteror care towards you, what you do
for Him.
It doesn't make it greater.
He loves you because he createdyou and he made you for Himself
(24:26):
, right, he made all of us forHimself to be in communion with
Him.
So here it's kind of alluding tothis aspect of OK, was she
doing this because she wanted topresent herself.
Well, and you know it's Jesus.
He's coming to our house and wegot to make sure everything is
ready, everything set.
(24:46):
So she was being driven in herattachment style from a place of
fear.
What happened if it was justthe way that it is?
What if the house was a mess?
You know, we know that when wehave people over, we're worried
about how the house looks, andwe wanted to look well, at least
I feel that way, and eventhough I know that my friends
(25:07):
aren't going to reject me or seeme differently if the house is
a little bit messy, right, sowe're going to be having three
boys like it's.
Like it's going to happen, it'sgoing to be messy, right?
So that's kind of the questionhere.
Is that, was that her attitude?
Right?
Then it says, while her sister,mary, displays a secure,
(25:29):
attachment style as she sits atJesus' feet and listens to Him,
right?
So it's this idea of just beingpresent, right?
We talked about a secure, newlyattached person is someone who
is present, someone who isconstant and consistent in their
presence, right?
So here she is, close to Jesus,listening to Him and sitting at
(25:52):
His feet, taking in everythingthat he's sharing.
She's being present, martha isnot Right.
So, essentially, the anxious,the attached individual, is so
busy thinking about all of thesedifferent things, all of these
variables out here, so much sothat they forget to be present
with the person that they'rewanting to be close to.
(26:12):
Ain't that interesting?
Right?
They're so busy and you know,that's why part of being or
having an anxious attachmentstyle is that you typically
they're overthinkers.
They overthink every singlesituation and may make it bigger
than what it actually is, andthat may have been the case here
.
Right, oh, I got it.
If everything's not ready, thenyou know I'm not a good host,
(26:34):
or whatever the case is.
But you can see these very twodifferent attachment styles.
And then we have anotherexample.
We have another example Now.
This is an example that Shows alittle bit, a little mix of
(26:58):
both.
Right, peter, as we know, isvery assertive.
He was very vocal, he kind ofacted at times without thinking,
but he was also one of theBrave ones who would take steps
that the other disciples didn'ttake, and he was one of the
three that Jesus would take intothese more intimate settings.
(27:21):
So it's interesting seeing thisaspect of Peter, because there
are times where he acts, avoidin like self-sufficient, like I
can do this, I got this right.
We have him, you know,classically, when he walks off
the boat, he's trusting Jesus,but then the waves start to grow
and they get bigger and hestarts to not trust Jesus and
then he starts to sink.
Jesus pulls them up, pulls themup and he says, oh ye, of
(27:45):
little faith, right, so it'sinteresting thinking about Peter
, because he seems to display alittle bit of both, right, but I
think these are some goodexamples that we can think about
and see, yeah, okay, that thatmakes sense.
And I'm hoping that's what I'mdoing them connecting these
pieces for you so that you cansee, okay, yeah, that's anxious,
yeah, that's avoid, and here'sthe anxious, avoid it and you're
(28:07):
able to see how this actuallyplays out.
Remember, there were people toothey were regular people who
wanted to know more about Jesus.
Okay, how can we improve ourAttachment to God if we have a
fearful or avoidant attachmentstyle?
Okay, again, this this justrequires intentional effort and
(28:29):
a willingness to change.
But one way is to work.
Improving is by practicingtrust and reliance on him.
Right, this is what faith is.
Faith is practicing trust andreliance on God.
That's what it is rightPracticing trust and reliance on
God, because I know who he is,I know his character.
(28:49):
Here's how he reveals himselfin scripture multiple times,
hundreds of times, thousands oftimes, and I still Question
whether or not he's reliableRight now.
What we don't like and here'ssomething that I think speaks to
us as we talk about this topicwe don't like God's timeline.
(29:10):
Like, we know that he'sreliable, but personally, when I
think about it, I know he'sreliable, I know that he's
trustworthy, but I don't likethe timeline.
I Don't like waiting to seewhen he's trustworthy and safe
and secure and dependable, right, I don't and I'm assuming that
(29:36):
you guys don't like that eitherto wait Because we know that he
is and as we're going through astage of suffering and pain and
hardship, we want for God toshow himself Reliable there in
that moment.
And the reality is that he is,but not in the way that we want
or not.
When we want.
(29:57):
Right, god is there and he is,is Comforting us in different
ways.
Right, if you're looking forhis comfort, you will find it.
If you're looking for his lackof presence, you'll find that
too.
All right, and again, that thatcould speak to your attachment
style, whatever that that may be, but one of the things that
(30:20):
you'll start to realize is thatthat God has been there
throughout those difficult times.
He is waiting for you to turnto him during those difficult
times.
So we don't like God's timeline, but he is there.
He is there.
We just don't like when, whenwe actually get that feeling or
(30:40):
that recognition or thatConfirmation that he is there.
Next question how does our earlyattachment to our earthly
parents or primary caregiversInfluence our attachment to God?
I mean, this is basically whatthe whole Podcast is about.
Right, our attachment to ourparents can greatly influence
our attachment to God, and whathappens, or what studies have
(31:01):
shown, is that individuals withthe secure and trusting
relationship with their parentsare more likely to have a Secure
and trusting relationship withGod.
We know that, right, we have amodel and I think, well, we know
that's why God has set up thefamily unit the way that he has.
There's a father, there's amother, both displaying aspects
of him in a very unique waywithin that oneness of the
(31:21):
marriage to their children, andthat Revelation is then seen and
received and accepted by thechildren and it makes sense to
them because that's how Godcreated it.
So if he creates the familyunit and that family unit is
safe, secure and trusting, thenit would make sense that when
(31:44):
they talk to me about this Godthat they believe in, in Jesus,
that I can then make thatconnection to here's how my
parents treat me and they'retalking about how Jesus treats
them.
Oh, that's someone I want toknow, that's someone who I can
also trust.
Right?
That connection is clear, heavyevidence on how that Influences
our relationship with God.
But those who have experiencedneglect, abuse or lack of
(32:06):
consistency in theirrelationship with their parents
may Struggle developing a secureattachment style to God.
Okay, so think about that.
Neglect, abuse or lack ofconsistency, those are the big
three in in People'srelationship, the with their
parents.
When they develop either ananxious or an avoidant or
disorganized attachment styleagainst, severity makes a big
(32:27):
difference, the length of timemakes a big difference and In
how they start to perceivethemselves and how they perceive
others, right.
So there's this aspect againhigh view of self, high view of
others, or high view and highview of God.
That's for the secure right forthe anxious.
Low view of self, high view ofothers.
That's why it leads to thepeople placing for the avoidant,
(32:49):
high view of self, low view ofothers right, I can't depend on
anyone.
I've done everything on my own,so therefore I'm going to just
trust and believe in myself.
And then there's the anxiousavoidant who has a low view of
self and also a low view ofothers.
My meets, my needs, have neverbeen met, where they've been met
Inconsistently.
(33:09):
So I don't know who to trust.
I don't know what I actuallythink and I want to be close to
people, but I can't, becausemaybe I'm not likable, maybe
they don't want me around, maybeI'm too flawed, I'm too broken
right To be in a relationship.
But I still really want to bein a relationship, I still
really want to get close to God,but I don't know.
He hasn't really proven himselfto me, like all of these
different thoughts that peoplehave About their relationship
(33:33):
with God because of how theygrew up in their homes.
So definitely a heavy influencefrom our relationship with our
parents.
Next question is it possible tohave a secure attachment to God
Even if we have experienced adifficult childhood or trauma?
This is a really good question,because this is the work that I
do.
I work with clients who havetrauma not all of them.
(33:54):
But I have a good load ofChildren who have experienced
trauma, even in Christian homes,and that is sad.
It's difficult because I knowthat their view of God in the
present was affected by how theyrelated to their parents or how
their parents related to them.
So is it possible yes, it'spossible for them to have a
(34:18):
secure attachment to God, butit's important that they
understand those earlyattachment experiences do
influence their relationshipwith God and their attachment to
him is based on his love,faithfulness and grace Right.
So there's this new transitionfrom my needs were not met, I
was abused, I was mistreated, Iwas neglected and my parents
(34:41):
were inconsistent in meeting myneeds.
And now I believe the samething about God.
Now there's this theory.
There's two theories actually.
One is the correspondencetheory, which is what I was kind
of relating to in the firstexample is that the way that our
parents treat us during ourchildhood is how we then start
(35:02):
to perceive God in our adulthood.
So if our parents were loving,safe, secure, nurturing right,
we can make that transition intoour relationship with God and
see him as loving, safe,nurturing and so on.
If our parents were neglectful,inconsistent and cruel, then we
start to see God in that sameway inconsistent, unloving,
(35:25):
cruel, right.
So that is the correspondencetheory that the way that your
parents treated you correspondsto the way that you're going to
see God Now.
There's a different theory,though, and this actually this
is typically happens more sowith people who did not grow up
in Christian homes.
So if they did not grow up inChristian homes, they have had a
(35:45):
negative experience with theirparents, where the parents were
unable to meet their needs andthey were mistreated, abused,
neglected, whatever the case is.
And then they come to knowChrist later on in life, and in
learning and knowing more aboutChrist, god then starts to fill
in all of those holes that theyhad, all of those needs that
(36:07):
they didn't get met when theywere children.
God starts to meet those needsfor them in their adult lives,
or from time that they start to,when they received Christ into
their hearts.
So they go on this journey ofman.
Now I'm just seeing everythingthat I need, and now God is
providing.
God is providing, god isproviding, and it's this sense
of security, right, this trust,this in his love and his
(36:29):
faithfulness and his grace.
Like you understand gracedifferently, you understand love
differently, like this pursuitof I was lost and now I'm found
Like there's this desire to wantto know God because of the pain
, right.
So, even though there's thistraumatic past in history, now
you come to know Christ and hestarts to meet and fill in all
(36:51):
these gaps that you thoughtwould never be filled, right?
So, even if you've had asignificant childhood, traumatic
childhood, god is able, or youare able, to develop a secure
attachment.
It comes with more work, withmore barriers, but it is
(37:11):
possible, right and I want tofocus on that aspect of it is
possible to do so to develop asecure attachment, no matter
where you are in your life, nomatter what you've experienced
in the past, that you can moveinto having a secure attachment
style.
And there's a lot of factorsthat play into that and I you
know go back list to a couple ofepisodes where I reference
(37:32):
understanding your attachmentstyle.
How can a person with a secureattachment style support those
who may have a less secureattachment to God?
This is really good because,again, the interactions that you
have with other people are lifechanging, right, they're
corrective attachmentexperiences.
If I have had, as a history,pure negative experiences with
(37:56):
people in authority, with peoplewho said that they love me and
they care for me, but myexperience with experiences with
them have been negative.
Then I'm going to have a hardtime trusting other people,
right, even if it's one person,they come in, they interact with
me and it's a positiveinteraction.
I'll go away from thatquestioning Was that actually
them being genuine or was it?
(38:16):
You know, am I just settingmyself up for disappointment?
Right?
But if it happens again,another positive interaction,
and another positive interaction, and another one, then I start
to believe on my way.
This is happening more often.
You know, is this good?
I think this is good, like, Ilike this.
So, as you have more of thosepositive interactions with
(38:38):
people, you start to develop amore secure attachment style.
Now you can view people in ahigher, a more positive view of
people than I had before, right,because you're having a
corrective attachment experiencewith these different people,
and your view of self alsostarts to change too, like
people think that I'm worse thanthat.
They're paying attention to me,they want to help me, they want
(38:58):
to meet these needs that I have, right?
So, again, your framework forhow you view yourself and how
you view others starts to change, which then now, as you're
reading scripture and you'reseeing how God meets all of your
needs and you know what he'sdone for the Israelites and how
he met different needs atdifferent times, that all starts
to make sense because you'rehaving these corrective
attachment experiences.
(39:19):
So, a person who has a secureattachment style one thing that
you can do with those who have aless secure attachment style is
go love them and do whatsecurely attached people do Be
present, be consistent, betrustworthy, right All of those
things.
Be that for that person and youwill see with time how that
(39:40):
relationship changes.
How they view themselves, howthey view others, how they view
God will change.
Right Again, as you include inthat the use of prayer,
scripture and community.
Those three things willcontinue to affect that.
The last question here what aresome practical steps we can take
(40:00):
to deepen our attachment to Godand strengthen our relationship
to him?
Okay, again, I'm finalizingwith this with the big three
here right, reading andmeditating on scripture Super
important, whether it belistening to scripture.
Again, the idea is to knowGod's word, to know to
(40:22):
differentiate between what'strue, what God's word actually
says and what peoplemisinterpreted to say, which
happens a lot today.
There are a lot of pastors,preachers I wouldn't even call
them pastors, but there's a lotof preachers, you know,
motivational speakers who willsprinkle God into the message.
But it's really a message onmotivation, on how to do things
(40:46):
a certain way and here's yourthree steps to a highly
successful life and here's howyou can get out of this.
And they're not preaching God'sword or the gospel, right.
So when you're filling your mindwith scripture, when you're
praying to God on a consistentbasis, when you're interacting
(41:08):
with other people who alsobelieve in God's word as being
the authority of their lives andwho are also praying for you
and for God's will in theirlives, like all of those things
start to change your change anddeepen your relationship with
God.
Seeking community support fromfellow believers, actively
(41:30):
working on trusting and relyingon God's will.
Again, there's this active,actively trusting and relying on
God, which means that there'sgoing to be consistent
temptations to not believe thegood about God.
Because, oh well, your past,you know.
How are you going to be worthyto God?
(41:50):
Like, look at all the sin thatyou've committed and look at how
your parents were with you andlook, you're not important.
How can you go to this churchand you know one says hi to you
or no one does this.
Like you know, st wants you tobelieve those things Right.
Sin part of the effective sinis that it distorts our view of
God.
So the only way to counter thatis again through the big three.
Okay, interact with other Biblebelieving Christians who are
(42:15):
seeking God's will.
Pray to God, be with him on aconsensual basis and Read
scripture.
You read it for yourselves.
Acts 1711 talks about what theBereans there right, that they
read the Bible day and night tomake sure that what they were
being taught was true.
That's where this aspect of bea berean, or this a Theme or or
(42:36):
phrase of be a berean comes from, because they actively sought
to search the scriptures dailyto see if what they were being
taught Was true.
Be a berean.
These things are doing thesethings will strengthen and
deepen your relationship withGod.
That was a lot.
We went through a lot with thesedifferent questions and
(42:59):
hopefully you have a betterunderstanding of what this page
is about.
I mean, this is episode 75 andI was like, okay, well, it would
be a good, good topic if I justthink about some questions that
people would have aboutattachment.
Hopefully this kind of sparkedsome more questions for you and
if they did, please feel free toemail me.
Sl, sl, connect, oh eight atgmailcom and you know I will
(43:22):
answer those questions in anepisode.
I'm thinking of Making asubscriber base where you can
submit a question and I willdirectly respond to that.
But yeah, in a podcast episodeor be it through email or be it
on a post, like I'm trying toflesh that out, in the next
couple of weeks You're gonna seesome new things, new resources
(43:44):
that are hopefully helpful foryou and that you can use so that
you can continue to grow Inyour walk with Christ.
That's ultimately my desirethat you, that this page is
helping you walk closer toChrist, and that understanding
your attachments Now it's justone of the things that I'm
studying and then I'm passionateabout it's part.
It's gonna be part of mydissertation.
Shame has been a big part of mystory and the story of many
(44:07):
others, so thinking through thatis an element of this, of this
page as well.
But ultimately, the goal isthat you draw closer to Christ
by understanding these things.
Shame often pushes us away fromGod.
Our attachment style is notunderstanding them, makes us
think that there's somethingwrong with us or that God is not
trustworthy or dependable,right?
(44:27):
So if you're understandingthese aspects of how you're
relating to God, then hopefullyyou can counter that and start
to draw closer to God.
Okay, so?
So that is kind of the heartbehind this podcast and I hope
that you feel that.
I hope that you know that andthat I'm focused on making sure
(44:48):
that the gospel is presented.
You know, throughout this page,I've done a number of videos
where and it has happened Idon't have many that have
withdrawn or or unfollowed thepage because of my stance.
Most of the people, I think,believe that Jesus Christ is the
only way to heaven, so is theonly way to God, so they
(45:12):
subscribe to the page or theyfollow the page.
So if that's you, thank you somuch.
And if you're listening andyou've been listening to his
podcast for a while now, again,I can't say how much, how
appreciative I am of yoursupport, even in just listening.
Right, I know when you listento podcast, something you just
kind of doing your own thing andsomething will stick out to you
and I'm hoping that one ofthese questions connects and
(45:34):
that it Makes you want to followChrist and deepen your
relationship with him.
So, guys, episode 75.
Thank you for tuning in.
It's a big marker to reach andI'm hoping to get to 100
episodes by the end of the year.
So we'll see how that goes.
But thank you for tuning in andyou have a good one.
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