July 10, 2024 • 36 mins
Send Me Questions on Attachment
Can understanding the intricacies of your attachment style transform your relationships? This episode promises to do just that by unraveling the complexities of anxious attachment. We dissect the characteristics of anxious attachment, highlighting the constant craving for reassurance and validation and how it can create instability in relationships. You’ll learn practical strategies for identifying a reliable support system and maintaining trust and perspective, both of which are crucial for nurturing healthy interpersonal connections and a more profound relationship with God.
Ever felt overwhelmed by a flood of negative thoughts? Discover how those with anxious attachment can navigate their emotions by selecting which "waves" of thought to surf. We explore how to challenge anxious thoughts and avoid dependency on others for emotional security. Learn effective techniques like breathing exercises, prayer, meditation, and the value of spending time with securely attached individuals to build a stronger sense of personal security. These insights will help you manage sensitivity to perceived distance in relationships, encouraging healthier interactions.
One's relationship with God can mirror their human connections, and emotional volatility can often cloud this divine link. We delve into how healthy friendships and positive activities can deepen your spiritual connection, while difficulties might cause you to question God's presence. Key issues like setting boundaries, managing feelings of neediness, and maintaining self-esteem are discussed with actionable strategies for self-regulation. Finally, we pave the way towards transitioning to a secure attachment style, setting the stage for our next journey into avoidant attachment styles. Join us to uncover how to cultivate more stable and fulfilling relationships with both others and God.
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My mission is to help you understand your attachment style to learn how you can heal from the pain you’ve experienced in your relationship with God, the church and yourself.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Well, all right, welcome back everyone to the God
Attachment Healing Podcast.
It has been quite a while.
It's been quite a journey and Iknow I've shared this before in
previous episodes and it's justbeen a busy, busy time school,
work, family, a bunch ofdifferent things going on.
But I'm excited to be back andtalking about attachment styles.
(00:29):
I'm going to do a series onunderstanding the different
attachment styles and how to gofrom the non-secure attachment
styles to a secure attachmentstyle, and hopefully we're able
to explore some really commonthemes that are helpful for you.
I know there's been a couple ofyou who have mentioned and have
requested that I do a series ora couple of episodes on
(00:52):
understanding attachment styles,so I'm here to explain more on
that.
Obviously, this is alwayscoming back to how do these
relationships in our daily livesaffect the relationships or our
relationship with the Lord?
So hopefully this is a goodepisode for you as we jump into
the topic, and the one thatwe're going to talk about today
(01:14):
is the anxious attachment style.
I think it's probably the mostcommon type of attachment style
I talked about before about thedifferent types of attachment
style pairings, and I think alot of you guys were interested
in that, like which attachmentstyles usually come together and
connect or try to connect, andusually there's an anxious,
there's an avoidant, and thenyou just kind of have to work
(01:35):
out a couple of those differentbarriers that each one has.
So today, though, I'm going totalk about the anxious
attachment style, and I thinkone of the first things to
understand about this is just toknow that your attachment style
can change, and, again, I'vementioned this many times before
, but it's a good reminder forthose who are anxious,
(01:58):
specifically because there's abelief somewhere in there that
no, maybe I can't change, maybethis is just how I'm always
going to be, and that can bevery despairing and discouraging
, right when you feel likethere's no hope for you to
change your attachment style,that you're only going to be
like this in every singlerelationship, and that's not the
(02:19):
case.
So, hopefully, as you kind ofhear today's episode that it
brings a sense of comfort, asense of relief, a sense of hope
, and also that it thentransitions into your
relationship with God, because,again, these very same beliefs
that we have in our day-to-dayrelationships, we also tend to
(02:39):
attribute those to ourrelationship with God.
So let's go ahead and jump intosome of the characteristics of
the anxious attachment style.
So I'll explain some of themand I'll give some good
descriptions about them and thensee if you kind of take off
each of these differentcharacteristics Now.
Again, if you do, don't losehope Again.
(03:01):
The whole point of today'sepisode is that you understand
it so you can then know how toidentify it, how to regulate
yourself and then move forwardin your relationship with both
people and the Lord.
So one of the most common commonattachment style
characteristics for the anxiousattachment is the constant need
(03:22):
for reassurance and validation.
Attachment is the constant needfor reassurance and validation.
And you know I was talking to afriend not too long ago.
We did an episode.
I have another podcast they dowith my friend, tim Yance.
It's called Psych and TheoPodcast.
Shout out to our other podcast.
But there is this constant needfor reassurance and validation.
And social media has kind ofincreased that attachment style
(03:47):
because we base our validationand our reassurance on the likes
or whatever the case is, on ourposts, on our stories.
You know anything that you haveto kind of seek that out and
again that speaks to maybe alittle bit about your day-to-day
friendships, relationships.
You know what kind ofvalidation or reassurance are
(04:09):
you receiving from the peoplewho are in your circles?
And you know for the ancientattachments.
When we're talking aboutreassurance and validation.
It's interesting because it'swhat they need, so they're
constantly searching for it withdifferent people and they'll
get it from this person overhere.
They'll get something from thisperson over here, from this
person over here.
(04:29):
But the problem with that is, ifyou have too many people on
that roster per se, when one ofthem doesn't give you that
validation and that reassurance,then you kind of freak out
about that relationship, so youfocus on another one and then
when that one's not there, thenyou come back to this one, then
you go to another one.
So there's always this searchand constant need for
(04:53):
affirmation and reassurance.
So my general recommendationwhen it comes to reassurance and
validation is choose two tothree people.
Just, there's going to be atleast one right.
At least one person who nevermakes you have to question your
value in their lives.
Right that you are someone thatis important to them, that
(05:15):
they're always going to haveyour back, they're always going
to be there for you.
Those are the people that youwant to surround yourselves with
, and we have one.
We just have to search for thatperson.
The problem is again, like Isaid, is that you find that
person and then maybe you justhave an off day, or that person
has an off day and you know youdon't get that reassurance or
that validation from them andyou start to question everything
(05:37):
, right?
So it's important for you knowthose who are anxiously attached
to focus and disciplinethemselves to just hey, this is
just part of the daily process,daily life, where people
encounter different situationsand scenarios and struggles that
they may just not be on pointthat day.
Same thing for you, right?
There's going to be some dayswhere you feel more secure and
(05:59):
there's going to be other dayswhere you're going to feel more
anxious.
So you have to continuallypractice reminding yourself who
this person is, what they meanto you and what's been their
overall consistency, consistentbehavior, right.
So those are things that canbring back reassurance and
validation to their relationshipand also how you even perceive
(06:23):
yourself.
So that need or that desire foraffirmation and reassurance,
seek it out in a smaller groupof people and then just stay
committed to that.
Obviously, with time thingschange, but again, you want to
look for overall consistentbehavior that kind of predicts
(06:44):
how that person is going to bewith you.
Okay.
Another very commoncharacteristic is this fear of
abandonment and rejection.
It kind of ties in a little bitto the first one, where you're
seeking reassurance andvalidation.
In this case, you're fearingabandonment and rejection.
And you know, typicallyanxiously attached individuals
(07:05):
are very sensitive to rejection.
Right, a disagreement couldseem to them as rejection.
Someone not canceling plans orcanceling plans can seem like
rejection to them, even thoughthey may have a legitimate
reason for canceling those plans.
And in canceling those plans,there may also be this fear of
abandonment.
(07:25):
Oh, they found someone betterthan me, or they have another
friend who they like more andthey're going to go hang out
with them and that's why theycancel their plans with me, and
so on.
Right, so there's this idea ofI'm going to be abandoned in a
sense.
Right, I'm not going to seethem for a long time because
they've made this new friendover here.
They, they're interested inthis person over here.
Again, all of those arelegitimate fears.
(07:49):
Now, if we go back, because eachof these characteristics stem
from somewhere and I talk aboutthis often in regards to
attachment, but when you're ayoung child, a toddler, your
baby getting your needs met.
That inconsistency, or thatreassurance, that validation,
that fear of rejection, thatfear of abandonment, it stems
(08:11):
from early childhood experiencesthat give you the feeling that
you're going to be abandoned orrejected, and it increases with
each developmental stage.
So you have infancy, you havetoddler, then you're a child,
then preteen, then teen, right?
So each of those stages, if youcontinually see patterns of
(08:31):
rejection or abandonment andsomeone not being able to meet
your needs, right, it makes alot of sense why you're going to
go into your adultrelationships and feel the same
way, right, as though someone isgoing to leave because you are
annoying or you're boring tothem, or there's something wrong
with you.
Like there's all these beliefsand thoughts that come into your
(08:54):
mind that may make you thinkthat you're gonna be abandoned
or rejected.
But again, that's where we haveto battle with these thoughts
and challenge them.
I actually heard a really goodillustration of this and you
guys will appreciate this.
A guy was talking about how wecan control our thoughts or at
least challenge them.
(09:15):
Scripture talks about that aswell to take every thought
captive.
And this guy he used theillustration of the waves he's
like it's like when you go tothe beach, right, you don't
control what waves come towardsthe shore, but you can control
which waves you surf on.
And it's true, right, becauseas the waves are coming through
(09:38):
and I see one and I'm like, oh,that's a nice one, that's going
to be a big one, and I gotowards that wave and I try to
catch it.
And you know, obviously, if Iget a good one, then I have a
lot of fun and it's great, andif I don't, then I just try
again.
But I chose the wave, I chosethe one that looked like was
going to be more fun or that wasgoing to you know, take me, you
know, to the shore.
(09:59):
So, very similarly, when itcomes to these anxious thoughts
that you have, they're going tocome in, right, and you get to
choose which one you want toride.
Now, not all of them are fun,right, so this is different in
that sense, but you do get tochoose.
And that's the point I want tomake with this is that when you
have the choice, or when youhave these thoughts that come up
(10:19):
of you know you being rejectedor that you're potentially going
to be abandoned or let go of,whatever the case is that you
get to choose.
Okay, what do I want to focuson?
Yes, that's a thought that camein.
But is there another thoughtthat I can focus on right now?
And one of the things that youcan do is okay, has this person
ever abandoned me before?
(10:39):
And you say no, okay, so that'sgood.
You know, that means they'vebeen consistent, right.
But let's turn it around alittle bit.
Let's say that you found a yes,right, yes, they did, but then
they apologized and then afterthat, their behavior changed,
right, and then they becameconsistent again, right.
So, again, ride those waves.
(11:01):
You can challenge certainthoughts to remind yourself of
the reality of that relationship, like what's happened in the
general, overall, what'shappened right?
So, yeah, maybe a person failedyou once or twice, but is that
the common occurrence?
Is that the pattern?
And if it's not, you canchallenge those thoughts with
these different thoughts morepositive thoughts, more
(11:23):
realistic thoughts, right?
So when it comes to abandonmentand rejection, it's about
choosing which thoughts you wantto focus on and you base those
thoughts off of what the overallrelationship patterns have been
okay.
So that's one place to go towhen you think about writing the
thought wave per sense, right.
(11:44):
The anxiously attached are alsooverly sensitive to perceived
signs of distance, right.
And this could be something assimple as you know a friend not
texting back in time or I don'teven know what that means in
time, or not texting back rightaway, or taking longer than
usual, right, when somethingcould actually be happening.
Maybe they're busy, maybesomething, maybe they're you
(12:08):
know, they themselves arethinking about a lot of
different things.
They're struggling withsomething, but anything that
kind of gives this sense ofdistance, right, like that
they're pulling away, and that'susually the common language,
where you feel like people arepulling away from you and
pulling away could meanabandonment or it could mean
rejection, right.
So all of these thoughts kindof overlap with each other.
But the anxiously attached areoverly sensitive to those signs
(12:30):
of distance, right?
Or maybe someone hasn't textedyou in a while or hasn't called
you in a while, hasn't wanted tospend time with you in a while.
Again, all of those areperceived as potential
abandonment, right?
There's a tendency to seecloseness and intimacy, which is
good, but the difference forthe anxious attached individual
(12:51):
is that they do it excessivelyright.
So seeking closeness andintimacy is something that all
of us want to have.
We want to be able to do thatin our relationships.
So why is that a problem?
Well, it's a problem when itbecomes excessive.
Right, because then you becomedependent on the other person
for you to feel secure.
Right, and when we're talkingabout attachment, you want to
(13:11):
learn how to become secureyourself.
Right, implementing regulationtechniques such as breathing.
It can be challenging thoughts,it can be prayer, meditation,
reading scripture all of thesedifferent things that help us
feel secure, but we have todevelop the practice of it so
that we don't lose sight of whatwe're actually trying to obtain
(13:32):
, which is security.
Right, we want to feel secure,and that security that you
develop on your own you can thentake into your relationships.
Now, there are somerelationships that are going to
trigger your anxiety a littlebit more your anxiously attached
patterns more than your securepatterns, right?
So a good way or a goodrecommendation that I like to
(13:57):
make for those who are anxiouslyattached is to seek people who
are secure, obviously, but alsospend time with them.
Right, spend as much time asyou can with them, because if
you feel secure around thisperson and you can identify
feeling that security, then youknow what you're going to feel
like when you go into otherrelationships where you don't
feel as secure, right, it's kindof that whole idea of you.
(14:18):
Know how can people tell thedifference between one thing or
the other?
The more exposure you have tothe thing that you're looking
for, the more you.
So it's okay to see closenessand intimacy, right, that's a
good thing, that's probably oneof the biggest strengths of the
anxiously attached individual.
But they have to just pull backjust a little bit so they're
(14:40):
not overburdening or overbearingto the other person.
And again, these are thoughtsthat the anxious individual will
think like oh, I'm probablyoverwhelming them, I'm probably
a burden to them, they probablyreally don't care about me, and
so on, me them, I'm probably aburden to them, they probably
really don't care about me, andso on.
But really the heart behindthat is that they want to be
(15:01):
close and feel intimate withanother person that they know
fully and that that person alsofully knows them, right?
So because of that, there'sthis difficulty to trust others'
intentions, right, a friend cantell you hey, I'm going to be
there for you and you have somework that you need to do and you
need it done this weekend.
And you invite a friend and yousay, hey, can you help me out?
And they say, yeah, I'll bethere.
And then somewhere in the backof your head, after 20 minutes
(15:24):
of that conversation, you startto think, oh no, they're
probably going to have somethingcome up.
They're probably going tocancel.
What's going to happen?
Who am I going to get if theydo cancel, and so on.
Right, so there's thisdifficulty to trust what other
people are saying.
And again, if you can go back toyour childhood and try to
remember instances where someonewho maybe had broken a promise
(15:46):
to you, you'll be able to seewhere that fear stems from right
.
That person that you'reinteracting with is not your
parent.
They're not that best friendfrom childhood.
They're not that teacher, thatleader that may have made
promises to you and then didn'tcomplete them.
Right, that's where that stemsfrom.
You know, I still remember anexperience with my dad where he
(16:08):
said, if I made an honor roll,that he would buy me a bike.
And I, you know, I think I waslike nine years old or something
and I made on-roll and weren'table to get the bike.
So he's like, okay, well, nexttime I'll do it.
And it happened like three orfour times and I made on-roll
every single time and we justweren't able to get it.
And then there was other thingslike hey, we'll go to the park,
(16:29):
and if we didn't go to the park, then I was disappointed.
So there was these repeatedpatterns of promises being made
and not fulfilled.
So I started to believe that.
You know, I started to questionwhether people really meant what
they said.
I mean, even when you receive acompliment for something you
know, depending on who theperson is, sometimes it's hard
to receive it because you don'tknow if it's genuine, or at
(16:51):
least you question that in yourhead.
You don't know if this personreally means it.
You don't know if they're justsaying that to make you feel
good about yourself, like youstart to question all these
different things based off ofthose childhood experiences
Again.
So it's very, very importantthat you explore what your
childhood experience was likeand who were the important
(17:11):
people in your life that madeyou feel this way, what your
childhood experience was likeand who were the important
people in your life that madeyou feel this way, again, with
attachment.
You're going to have to do alot of that work.
In the present right, you'relooking back to see where it
stemmed from.
But all the work that you'redoing is in the present and you
have to challenge those thoughtsand you have to kind of
understand how your body feelswhen you're around people who
(17:33):
are secure, who are anxious, whoare avoidant to see.
Okay, well, what's coming up forme and where does that stem
from?
Right?
So difficulty trusting othersis definitely one, and it's
usually based off of brokenpromises from your childhood.
And then, lastly, there's afear of being unlovable or
unworthy, right, one of thecharacteristics outside of these
(17:55):
, or the defining.
I did this because there's achart that I'm trying to picture
and the chart for an anxiouslyattached individual.
You know, there's this anxietyand then there's avoidance, but
then you also have their view ofself and their view of others.
For the anxiously attachedindividual, their view of self
and their view of others.
(18:15):
For the anxiously attachedindividual, they tend to have a
overly positive view of othersand a negative view of
themselves, right?
So what does this look like?
You know, they'll dote onpeople and they'll kind of
praise every single personaround them Everyone's great,
everyone's good, you know andkind of highlight the
accomplishments of other people,but when it comes to them.
It's like, yeah, that's notgreat, you know, yeah, I'm still
(18:36):
a work in progress, I'm stillthis, so kind of like this
humble spirit, but also thiskind of demeaning or
self-deprecating type oflanguage that they use for
themselves, but for everyoneelse it's overly positive,
almost.
And again, it's a way to copewith that pain of I'm not worthy
(18:57):
.
But I hang around people whoare worthy and who are likable,
so by association I'm going tobe more likable and more
included in the groups and so on.
So there's this fear that I'mnot lovable and we feel that
we're not lovable because if wewere lovable, then our needs
(19:17):
would be met in relationshipsand we're not worthy because our
needs would have been met inour relationships.
So the anxiously attachedindividual is usually someone
who overdoes it in relationships.
Overdoes it in relationships.
They go far and beyond, aboveand beyond their expectations of
(19:38):
themselves, even to be the bestfriend possible, right.
So they do everything foreveryone.
They're constantly tired, buteveryone's happy with them, so
they're drained, right.
But again, this is all thedesire, or this all stems from a
desire to see closeness andintimacy with other people, and
the way to do that is by makingother people feel special.
I don't want people to feelunlovable or unworthy, so I'm
(20:00):
going to make sure that theyfeel that even though I feel
unlovable and unworthy, right?
So these are the commoncharacteristics in an anxiously
attached individual and, again,some examples of that could be
calling or texting frequently toseek reassurance.
These are behaviors thatthey'll do to seek out that
(20:24):
intimacy and closeness.
So here's some of the behaviors, so calling or texting
frequently to seek assurance,feeling intense jealousy or
insecurity in relationships,getting overly upset if a
partner is not immediatelyavailable.
So there's a lot here withtiming, right.
Anxiously attached individualslack patience and they lack
(20:47):
patience not at the externallevel, right, it's not patience
that you can see like they'reall easily frustrated in that
regard, but they lack patiencein being able to practice things
that help them feel secure.
Right, because it would helpthem to.
Okay, there's nothing wrong.
This person, again, in general,is usually there for me and
they are actually a good friend.
(21:09):
So why am I thinking all ofthese different things?
Right, they can't.
They have a hard time workingthrough the process of talking
themselves out of their anxiousthoughts.
So they got to practice and,again, I share this, not because
I'm saying that it's easy.
But because I know what it'slike to feel that anxiety, I
(21:34):
think I would lean more to theanxiously attached type of
person and move towards secure.
So I'm like right at thatbarrier of I think I seek enough
closeness and so I'm notavoidant, but I do feel anxiety
when something can go wrong.
Like I feel that and Iunderstand it very well.
(21:56):
So you know you have tounderstand just how your body
operates when it's sensing thosethings right, so being highly
reactive to perceived threats ofabandonment.
Again, there's a perceivedthreat of abandonment.
Threat of abandonment, eventhough the history, the context,
the patterns in the currentrelationship, if they're good,
(22:24):
there's still things that we canlook into and say feel like
it's a perceived threat thatthey're going to abandon me.
Right, feeling emotionallydependent on their partner for
validation and so forth.
Again, this goes back to well,what kind of work are you doing
on your own?
What is the Lord doing in yourlife to not to provide you with
validation or so forth, but justwhat is the Lord doing in your
(22:46):
life?
Like, if you can really lookback at your relationships,
notice, when did you feel mostsecure with the Lord?
This is actually a goodquestion for you to ask yourself
when was the last time that youfelt secure with the Lord based
off of your relationship?
So, for example, if you had ahealthy friendship right, a
(23:07):
loving friendship with someone,and let's say you had a great
job and or you have a great jobright and you're involved in
church and you're doing all ofthese different things, you're
going to feel closer to the Lord, you're going to feel secure in
your relationship with the Lord.
But if things are going wrongin your relationships, it's very
common for that person to alsofeel that way in their
(23:29):
relationship with God.
Like if their friends areabandoning them or if their
friends don't want to hang outwith them as much, if the person
they like doesn't like themback, if they don't feel like
they have a core group offriends, all of these different
things, then they might say well, lord, why aren't you blessing
me with better friends?
Or why don't I have theopportunity, like other people
do, to create connections likethey're doing?
(23:53):
So we start to question ourrelationship with God.
Does God really care?
Is God going to leave me inthis space with God?
Like, does God really care?
Right, is God going to leave mein this space?
And yeah, so there's thistransition of thoughts from our
human relationships to ourrelationship with God, and again
, we got to stop it right at thebeginning.
When those thoughts start tocome up, we need to start
(24:14):
challenging them right away.
So you'll become dependent onother people, right?
Just know from yourrelationship with God that you
were made in God's image, thatyou are a new creation.
Right, if you receive the Lord,you're a new creation and that
you start to develop the fruitsof the Spirit.
Right, and do your best to dothat.
Right, with the help of theHoly Spirit, you start to
(24:35):
develop the fruits of the Spirit.
So those are things that youwant to learn to develop in
those relationships.
Now here's some common issuesthat happen with the anxiously
attached individuals.
Right, there's this emotionalvolatility leading to frequent
conflicts.
So they don't know how toregulate themselves.
(24:58):
Right, the anxiety is too muchfor them.
The anxiety kind of leads themto have these unstable moments
where they can't controlthemselves.
It's internal, right, and ifthey can't control it internally
, eventually they start to showit outwardly.
Right, they become easilyfrustrated, they start to get a
little bit snappy or they startto say things that they didn't
(25:18):
want to say right Because becomeeasily frustrated, or they
start to get a little bit snappy, or they start to say things
that they didn't want to sayright Because they've just kept
everything inside.
So they're emotionally volatile,and that can lead to
misunderstanding and frequentarguments in their relationships
, like everything's a question,you know.
So, hey, why'd you say this?
Why, you know, I just said that.
You know that didn't meananything.
No, but I think it did meansomething, right?
(25:39):
They start to question everysingle interaction, they start
to question every singlemannerism or every single
gesture and they think that itmeans something when it doesn't.
So, all of these differentthings and again, it's not to
downplay what you're feeling orthinking about it, it's just to
(26:03):
remind you that, remember, a lotof this just has to do with how
your body is feeling and it'sreacting to things that you're
seeing in your environment.
You know, again, someone simplynot texting you back in time
can be one of them.
Another common issue that theanxiously attached individual
encounters is they havedifficulty setting boundaries,
right, because if I setboundaries, then that means
people are going to pull awayfrom me, right?
But the people who pull awayfrom you when you put boundaries
up, maybe those are the peoplethat you actually don't need in
(26:25):
your life now.
Um, I I like the idea ofboundaries, but I think we have
a misunderstanding of whatboundaries actually are.
So something, when people talkabout boundaries, it's actually
they think it's telling someonewhat not to do, when it's
actually telling yourself whatto do and also what not to do.
Right, you said the boundariesare for you, like, you get to
(26:45):
choose who you want to allow inyour life and who not to.
It's not you telling otherpeople what they need to do to
appease you, right?
Very different thing.
That's a whole other topic.
But the idea here is that thosewho are anxiously attached have
a difficult time settingboundaries.
Why?
Because it makes them feel asthough it's going to push the
people in their lives away.
(27:05):
Another common issue feelingneedy or clingy, which may push
partners away.
Again, if you're overbearing,you're going to see yourself as
overbearing and you're going tosee people around you kind of
maintain a distance, right,because they want to go on and
do their own thing as well.
So you kind of need to givepeople space, right, you give
yourself space, give the personspace so that you guys can come
(27:27):
together and talk about what'sbeen going on since you guys
haven't met from the last time,right?
And typically when you havesecure people in your life, you
typically pick it up where youlast stepped off, right Again,
those are the friendships thatyou want and you want to look
for.
They struggle with self-esteemand so forth issues which I kind
(27:48):
of mentioned earlier today, andthis one's a big one.
Actually, expecting the worst insituations and expecting the
worst can often lead to fearingrejection.
Right, so you can be in acompletely healthy relationship
and in your mind you could thinkof all the negative outcomes
(28:08):
from that relationship, eventhough things have been going
over in general very well, right?
So you start to think about ohyou know, eventually they're
going to ask me about this and Idon't know if I'm ready to
share about that.
And if I share that, they'renot going to like me anymore.
And you know, I don't know ifI'm ready to open up about that,
yet I'm still a little bitinsecure.
Or if I do share that, thenthey're going to pull away and
(28:29):
they're going to want nothing todo with me, right?
So even though the person hasnot shown any signs of being
judgmental or leaving you in anyregard, you start to think that
you expect the worst, even froma good, positive situation.
Okay, so hopefully you'regetting a good understanding of
(28:52):
what an anxiously attachedindividual looks like, right?
So this is for both people,right?
The person who is anxiouslyattached is probably saying, yes
, all of those made perfectsense to me.
That's exactly how I am.
I'm anxiously attachedindividual, right.
For another person, though, ifyou're listening, you might say
what People actually do that,gosh, now I know why so-and-so
is like this, or now I know whythis, this and that right.
(29:14):
But again, what I want for bothto understand is that it stems
from somewhere.
It's not just the way that theyare, but it's occurrences or
events that have happenedmultiple times that have created
this narrative in their mindand they believe that about
themselves, right, and it's thesame thing for the avoidant,
same thing for the disorganizedattachment style as well, which
(29:36):
I'll discuss in later episodes.
But we need to understand that,once you have this knowledge of
what an anxiously attachedindividual looks like, okay, so
now, what?
Now, what do I do with thatinformation?
How can I move from beinganxiously attached to becoming
more secure?
So, one of the biggestevidence-based approaches to
(29:59):
managing your anxiety or tobecoming less anxious, is to
have some self-compassion, right, mindfulness, and
self-compassion helps inmanaging emotions and developing
self-awareness, right?
So you got to be mindful ofwhat kind of thoughts are coming
to my mind when I'm gettingclose in relationships, right?
What are the most commonthoughts?
(30:20):
And you'll find like a theme,right, it could be avoidance, it
could be rejection, it could beabandonment, it could be any of
those, right, but you'll find atheme in the messages that come
to mind when you're gettingcloser in relationships or when
you're really seeking thatintimacy and trust with another
person.
So think about that right.
(30:42):
Think about what are thethoughts that are coming in and
which ones do I want tochallenge and which ones do I
want to implement?
Right, this is where youimplement some positive messages
for yourself.
So that includes CBT, which iscognitive behavioral therapy,
which is challenging negativebeliefs and changing patterns of
(31:02):
thinking.
All of these things are goingto take a lot of practice.
So the more you practice, thebetter you'll get at managing
these different thoughts.
I know it took a long time forme, but again, you want to take
it one step at a time.
Okay, challenge one thought ata time and regulate your body
one day at a time, right.
Learn how to just easily calmyour body down so that you can
(31:27):
challenge these thoughts thatare affecting your relationships
.
Okay, and then you know there'sthe term in attachment theory
that's called a correctiveattachment figure.
So this is the person that youkind of want to be like.
Like you see them, and theyseem to be very trusting of
(31:47):
others, trusting of themselves,trusting of God, trusting of
most things, right, and for manyof us we'd say, well, that's
dumb.
You know they shouldn't betrusting of everyone or
everything.
And no, this is not that person.
The securely attached individualtends to have a high view of
self and a high view of others,and not in an arrogant way or
not in an overly praising otherstoo much, but rather they just
(32:13):
feel that people in generaldon't mean them any harm, that
typically people want to do goodto them, right, and again, if
you grew up in a home where yourneeds were met and you were
loved and cared for, that wouldmake sense why they would have
that belief, right.
That's where you're trying toget as an anxiously attached
individual.
You're trying to get to thebelief that, okay, people are
(32:34):
good.
And I know also that, by theway, before I say that this is
not the, I don't want to changea theological understanding of
where I stand on this in regardsto people are not good,
naturally good, right, we havegood that is based off being
made in the image of God, but weare not, at heart, in our
(32:56):
hearts, good right?
Romans 3 talks about this.
No, there is no one who doesgood.
No one is good, right.
So, just to clarify that, when Ithink, when I talk about
attachment styles and I talkabout a high view of others,
high view of self, is thisaspect of you know, I can expect
that people are going to treatme well, right?
And I can expect that I cantreat myself well, right?
(33:18):
You're not disregarding yourhealth, you're not disregarding
your walk with the Lord, yourrelationships, your church or
anything like that, right?
So there's a high view of selfin that regard and a high view
of others, because your needshave been met and they were met
throughout differentdevelopmental stages of your
life, and because that'shappened, you are then able to
transition that over to yourrelationship with God.
(33:39):
So when you read a passageabout God being a comfort and a
secure, a protector and aprovider.
It makes sense to us why?
Because that's what happenedfor us when we were growing up
you had parents who were able tomeet your needs right.
So that's what we're trying toget.
In order to get that, you haveto change all of these different
patterns of thinking, all thesedifferent ways of feeling in
(34:02):
your body and so on, andhopefully I provide some
resources there with themindfulness, the self-compassion
.
Self-compassion is big.
I just want to touch on thislast piece a little bit more.
Self-compassion is the idea oflooking at yourself and
suffering with the youngerversion of yourself, and here's
what I mean by that.
There's this author, speaker,trauma therapist named Gabor
(34:29):
Mate and he talks about.
He describes the rootcompassion to mean suffer with.
He gets it from the Latin Latin, mean, it means to suffer with,
and when you look at it thatway, think of yourself as a
mentor, suffering with theyounger version of yourself and
(34:52):
in that suffering, like you,just understand what your
younger self was going through,right, that you're able to see
everything that was happening.
That you're able to see therejection from friends, your
parents' divorce, yourmisunderstanding in
relationships or your brokenrelationships, your dating
(35:14):
stages, all of those differentthings and you can look at your
younger self and say, gosh, Ireally feel that pain for you.
I remember what it felt likeright, so you're suffering with
that younger version of yourselfand if you can do that right,
you can provide whatever it isthat the younger version of
yourself needed.
And what did it need?
Typically it's just presence,like for someone to just be
(35:34):
there for you and listen to youand hear you out, and you know
if you want have get some advice.
But for the most part I feelthat a lot of the healing it can
be done through the physical,emotional, mental, spiritual
presence of another person rightA brother in Christ, a sister
in Christ, the Lord himselfthrough his word, through prayer
(35:56):
, through community, like thoseare the things that can bring
about a secure attachment styleand that's where everyone wants
to be right.
We want to develop a secureattachment style and hopefully,
as you listen to this episode,that you were able to find that
and that this was helpful foryou.
And again next time I'm goingto talk about the avoidant
(36:17):
attachment style and kind of howthey can get to become a secure
the attached individual.
Guys, it's been a while, I knowit's been a while.
Hopefully I'm knocking out moreof these episodes in the next
couple of months and be moreconsistent with it.
But thank you for tuning in,thank you for listening to the
podcast.
Leave a review, leave a ratingand I will talk to you next time
(36:38):
.
Take care, guys.
Well, all right, welcome back everyone to the God
Attachment Healing Podcast.
It has been quite a while.
It's been quite a journey and Iknow I've shared this before in
previous episodes and it's justbeen a busy, busy time school,
work, family, a bunch ofdifferent things going on.
But I'm excited to be back andtalking about attachment styles.
(00:29):
I'm going to do a series onunderstanding the different
attachment styles and how to gofrom the non-secure attachment
styles to a secure attachmentstyle, and hopefully we're able
to explore some really commonthemes that are helpful for you.
I know there's been a couple ofyou who have mentioned and have
requested that I do a series ora couple of episodes on
(00:52):
understanding attachment styles,so I'm here to explain more on
that.
Obviously, this is alwayscoming back to how do these
relationships in our daily livesaffect the relationships or our
relationship with the Lord?
So hopefully this is a goodepisode for you as we jump into
the topic, and the one thatwe're going to talk about today
(01:14):
is the anxious attachment style.
I think it's probably the mostcommon type of attachment style
I talked about before about thedifferent types of attachment
style pairings, and I think alot of you guys were interested
in that, like which attachmentstyles usually come together and
connect or try to connect, andusually there's an anxious,
there's an avoidant, and thenyou just kind of have to work
(01:35):
out a couple of those differentbarriers that each one has.
So today, though, I'm going totalk about the anxious
attachment style, and I thinkone of the first things to
understand about this is just toknow that your attachment style
can change, and, again, I'vementioned this many times before
, but it's a good reminder forthose who are anxious,
(01:58):
specifically because there's abelief somewhere in there that
no, maybe I can't change, maybethis is just how I'm always
going to be, and that can bevery despairing and discouraging
, right when you feel likethere's no hope for you to
change your attachment style,that you're only going to be
like this in every singlerelationship, and that's not the
(02:19):
case.
So, hopefully, as you kind ofhear today's episode that it
brings a sense of comfort, asense of relief, a sense of hope
, and also that it thentransitions into your
relationship with God, because,again, these very same beliefs
that we have in our day-to-dayrelationships, we also tend to
(02:39):
attribute those to ourrelationship with God.
So let's go ahead and jump intosome of the characteristics of
the anxious attachment style.
So I'll explain some of themand I'll give some good
descriptions about them and thensee if you kind of take off
each of these differentcharacteristics Now.
Again, if you do, don't losehope Again.
(03:01):
The whole point of today'sepisode is that you understand
it so you can then know how toidentify it, how to regulate
yourself and then move forwardin your relationship with both
people and the Lord.
So one of the most common commonattachment style
characteristics for the anxiousattachment is the constant need
(03:22):
for reassurance and validation.
Attachment is the constant needfor reassurance and validation.
And you know I was talking to afriend not too long ago.
We did an episode.
I have another podcast they dowith my friend, tim Yance.
It's called Psych and TheoPodcast.
Shout out to our other podcast.
But there is this constant needfor reassurance and validation.
And social media has kind ofincreased that attachment style
(03:47):
because we base our validationand our reassurance on the likes
or whatever the case is, on ourposts, on our stories.
You know anything that you haveto kind of seek that out and
again that speaks to maybe alittle bit about your day-to-day
friendships, relationships.
You know what kind ofvalidation or reassurance are
(04:09):
you receiving from the peoplewho are in your circles?
And you know for the ancientattachments.
When we're talking aboutreassurance and validation.
It's interesting because it'swhat they need, so they're
constantly searching for it withdifferent people and they'll
get it from this person overhere.
They'll get something from thisperson over here, from this
person over here.
(04:29):
But the problem with that is, ifyou have too many people on
that roster per se, when one ofthem doesn't give you that
validation and that reassurance,then you kind of freak out
about that relationship, so youfocus on another one and then
when that one's not there, thenyou come back to this one, then
you go to another one.
So there's always this searchand constant need for
(04:53):
affirmation and reassurance.
So my general recommendationwhen it comes to reassurance and
validation is choose two tothree people.
Just, there's going to be atleast one right.
At least one person who nevermakes you have to question your
value in their lives.
Right that you are someone thatis important to them, that
(05:15):
they're always going to haveyour back, they're always going
to be there for you.
Those are the people that youwant to surround yourselves with
, and we have one.
We just have to search for thatperson.
The problem is again, like Isaid, is that you find that
person and then maybe you justhave an off day, or that person
has an off day and you know youdon't get that reassurance or
that validation from them andyou start to question everything
(05:37):
, right?
So it's important for you knowthose who are anxiously attached
to focus and disciplinethemselves to just hey, this is
just part of the daily process,daily life, where people
encounter different situationsand scenarios and struggles that
they may just not be on pointthat day.
Same thing for you, right?
There's going to be some dayswhere you feel more secure and
(05:59):
there's going to be other dayswhere you're going to feel more
anxious.
So you have to continuallypractice reminding yourself who
this person is, what they meanto you and what's been their
overall consistency, consistentbehavior, right.
So those are things that canbring back reassurance and
validation to their relationshipand also how you even perceive
(06:23):
yourself.
So that need or that desire foraffirmation and reassurance,
seek it out in a smaller groupof people and then just stay
committed to that.
Obviously, with time thingschange, but again, you want to
look for overall consistentbehavior that kind of predicts
(06:44):
how that person is going to bewith you.
Okay.
Another very commoncharacteristic is this fear of
abandonment and rejection.
It kind of ties in a little bitto the first one, where you're
seeking reassurance andvalidation.
In this case, you're fearingabandonment and rejection.
And you know, typicallyanxiously attached individuals
(07:05):
are very sensitive to rejection.
Right, a disagreement couldseem to them as rejection.
Someone not canceling plans orcanceling plans can seem like
rejection to them, even thoughthey may have a legitimate
reason for canceling those plans.
And in canceling those plans,there may also be this fear of
abandonment.
(07:25):
Oh, they found someone betterthan me, or they have another
friend who they like more andthey're going to go hang out
with them and that's why theycancel their plans with me, and
so on.
Right, so there's this idea ofI'm going to be abandoned in a
sense.
Right, I'm not going to seethem for a long time because
they've made this new friendover here.
They, they're interested inthis person over here.
Again, all of those arelegitimate fears.
(07:49):
Now, if we go back, because eachof these characteristics stem
from somewhere and I talk aboutthis often in regards to
attachment, but when you're ayoung child, a toddler, your
baby getting your needs met.
That inconsistency, or thatreassurance, that validation,
that fear of rejection, thatfear of abandonment, it stems
(08:11):
from early childhood experiencesthat give you the feeling that
you're going to be abandoned orrejected, and it increases with
each developmental stage.
So you have infancy, you havetoddler, then you're a child,
then preteen, then teen, right?
So each of those stages, if youcontinually see patterns of
(08:31):
rejection or abandonment andsomeone not being able to meet
your needs, right, it makes alot of sense why you're going to
go into your adultrelationships and feel the same
way, right, as though someone isgoing to leave because you are
annoying or you're boring tothem, or there's something wrong
with you.
Like there's all these beliefsand thoughts that come into your
(08:54):
mind that may make you thinkthat you're gonna be abandoned
or rejected.
But again, that's where we haveto battle with these thoughts
and challenge them.
I actually heard a really goodillustration of this and you
guys will appreciate this.
A guy was talking about how wecan control our thoughts or at
least challenge them.
(09:15):
Scripture talks about that aswell to take every thought
captive.
And this guy he used theillustration of the waves he's
like it's like when you go tothe beach, right, you don't
control what waves come towardsthe shore, but you can control
which waves you surf on.
And it's true, right, becauseas the waves are coming through
(09:38):
and I see one and I'm like, oh,that's a nice one, that's going
to be a big one, and I gotowards that wave and I try to
catch it.
And you know, obviously, if Iget a good one, then I have a
lot of fun and it's great, andif I don't, then I just try
again.
But I chose the wave, I chosethe one that looked like was
going to be more fun or that wasgoing to you know, take me, you
know, to the shore.
(09:59):
So, very similarly, when itcomes to these anxious thoughts
that you have, they're going tocome in, right, and you get to
choose which one you want toride.
Now, not all of them are fun,right, so this is different in
that sense, but you do get tochoose.
And that's the point I want tomake with this is that when you
have the choice, or when youhave these thoughts that come up
(10:19):
of you know you being rejectedor that you're potentially going
to be abandoned or let go of,whatever the case is that you
get to choose.
Okay, what do I want to focuson?
Yes, that's a thought that camein.
But is there another thoughtthat I can focus on right now?
And one of the things that youcan do is okay, has this person
ever abandoned me before?
(10:39):
And you say no, okay, so that'sgood.
You know, that means they'vebeen consistent, right.
But let's turn it around alittle bit.
Let's say that you found a yes,right, yes, they did, but then
they apologized and then afterthat, their behavior changed,
right, and then they becameconsistent again, right.
So, again, ride those waves.
(11:01):
You can challenge certainthoughts to remind yourself of
the reality of that relationship, like what's happened in the
general, overall, what'shappened right?
So, yeah, maybe a person failedyou once or twice, but is that
the common occurrence?
Is that the pattern?
And if it's not, you canchallenge those thoughts with
these different thoughts morepositive thoughts, more
(11:23):
realistic thoughts, right?
So when it comes to abandonmentand rejection, it's about
choosing which thoughts you wantto focus on and you base those
thoughts off of what the overallrelationship patterns have been
okay.
So that's one place to go towhen you think about writing the
thought wave per sense, right.
(11:44):
The anxiously attached are alsooverly sensitive to perceived
signs of distance, right.
And this could be something assimple as you know a friend not
texting back in time or I don'teven know what that means in
time, or not texting back rightaway, or taking longer than
usual, right, when somethingcould actually be happening.
Maybe they're busy, maybesomething, maybe they're you
(12:08):
know, they themselves arethinking about a lot of
different things.
They're struggling withsomething, but anything that
kind of gives this sense ofdistance, right, like that
they're pulling away, and that'susually the common language,
where you feel like people arepulling away from you and
pulling away could meanabandonment or it could mean
rejection, right.
So all of these thoughts kindof overlap with each other.
But the anxiously attached areoverly sensitive to those signs
(12:30):
of distance, right?
Or maybe someone hasn't textedyou in a while or hasn't called
you in a while, hasn't wanted tospend time with you in a while.
Again, all of those areperceived as potential
abandonment, right?
There's a tendency to seecloseness and intimacy, which is
good, but the difference forthe anxious attached individual
(12:51):
is that they do it excessivelyright.
So seeking closeness andintimacy is something that all
of us want to have.
We want to be able to do thatin our relationships.
So why is that a problem?
Well, it's a problem when itbecomes excessive.
Right, because then you becomedependent on the other person
for you to feel secure.
Right, and when we're talkingabout attachment, you want to
(13:11):
learn how to become secureyourself.
Right, implementing regulationtechniques such as breathing.
It can be challenging thoughts,it can be prayer, meditation,
reading scripture all of thesedifferent things that help us
feel secure, but we have todevelop the practice of it so
that we don't lose sight of whatwe're actually trying to obtain
(13:32):
, which is security.
Right, we want to feel secure,and that security that you
develop on your own you can thentake into your relationships.
Now, there are somerelationships that are going to
trigger your anxiety a littlebit more your anxiously attached
patterns more than your securepatterns, right?
So a good way or a goodrecommendation that I like to
(13:57):
make for those who are anxiouslyattached is to seek people who
are secure, obviously, but alsospend time with them.
Right, spend as much time asyou can with them, because if
you feel secure around thisperson and you can identify
feeling that security, then youknow what you're going to feel
like when you go into otherrelationships where you don't
feel as secure, right, it's kindof that whole idea of you.
(14:18):
Know how can people tell thedifference between one thing or
the other?
The more exposure you have tothe thing that you're looking
for, the more you.
So it's okay to see closenessand intimacy, right, that's a
good thing, that's probably oneof the biggest strengths of the
anxiously attached individual.
But they have to just pull backjust a little bit so they're
(14:40):
not overburdening or overbearingto the other person.
And again, these are thoughtsthat the anxious individual will
think like oh, I'm probablyoverwhelming them, I'm probably
a burden to them, they probablyreally don't care about me, and
so on, me them, I'm probably aburden to them, they probably
really don't care about me, andso on.
But really the heart behindthat is that they want to be
(15:01):
close and feel intimate withanother person that they know
fully and that that person alsofully knows them, right?
So because of that, there'sthis difficulty to trust others'
intentions, right, a friend cantell you hey, I'm going to be
there for you and you have somework that you need to do and you
need it done this weekend.
And you invite a friend and yousay, hey, can you help me out?
And they say, yeah, I'll bethere.
And then somewhere in the backof your head, after 20 minutes
(15:24):
of that conversation, you startto think, oh no, they're
probably going to have somethingcome up.
They're probably going tocancel.
What's going to happen?
Who am I going to get if theydo cancel, and so on.
Right, so there's thisdifficulty to trust what other
people are saying.
And again, if you can go back toyour childhood and try to
remember instances where someonewho maybe had broken a promise
(15:46):
to you, you'll be able to seewhere that fear stems from right
.
That person that you'reinteracting with is not your
parent.
They're not that best friendfrom childhood.
They're not that teacher, thatleader that may have made
promises to you and then didn'tcomplete them.
Right, that's where that stemsfrom.
You know, I still remember anexperience with my dad where he
(16:08):
said, if I made an honor roll,that he would buy me a bike.
And I, you know, I think I waslike nine years old or something
and I made on-roll and weren'table to get the bike.
So he's like, okay, well, nexttime I'll do it.
And it happened like three orfour times and I made on-roll
every single time and we justweren't able to get it.
And then there was other thingslike hey, we'll go to the park,
(16:29):
and if we didn't go to the park, then I was disappointed.
So there was these repeatedpatterns of promises being made
and not fulfilled.
So I started to believe that.
You know, I started to questionwhether people really meant what
they said.
I mean, even when you receive acompliment for something you
know, depending on who theperson is, sometimes it's hard
to receive it because you don'tknow if it's genuine, or at
(16:51):
least you question that in yourhead.
You don't know if this personreally means it.
You don't know if they're justsaying that to make you feel
good about yourself, like youstart to question all these
different things based off ofthose childhood experiences
Again.
So it's very, very importantthat you explore what your
childhood experience was likeand who were the important
(17:11):
people in your life that madeyou feel this way, what your
childhood experience was likeand who were the important
people in your life that madeyou feel this way, again, with
attachment.
You're going to have to do alot of that work.
In the present right, you'relooking back to see where it
stemmed from.
But all the work that you'redoing is in the present and you
have to challenge those thoughtsand you have to kind of
understand how your body feelswhen you're around people who
(17:33):
are secure, who are anxious, whoare avoidant to see.
Okay, well, what's coming up forme and where does that stem
from?
Right?
So difficulty trusting othersis definitely one, and it's
usually based off of brokenpromises from your childhood.
And then, lastly, there's afear of being unlovable or
unworthy, right, one of thecharacteristics outside of these
(17:55):
, or the defining.
I did this because there's achart that I'm trying to picture
and the chart for an anxiouslyattached individual.
You know, there's this anxietyand then there's avoidance, but
then you also have their view ofself and their view of others.
For the anxiously attachedindividual, their view of self
and their view of others.
(18:15):
For the anxiously attachedindividual, they tend to have a
overly positive view of othersand a negative view of
themselves, right?
So what does this look like?
You know, they'll dote onpeople and they'll kind of
praise every single personaround them Everyone's great,
everyone's good, you know andkind of highlight the
accomplishments of other people,but when it comes to them.
It's like, yeah, that's notgreat, you know, yeah, I'm still
(18:36):
a work in progress, I'm stillthis, so kind of like this
humble spirit, but also thiskind of demeaning or
self-deprecating type oflanguage that they use for
themselves, but for everyoneelse it's overly positive,
almost.
And again, it's a way to copewith that pain of I'm not worthy
(18:57):
.
But I hang around people whoare worthy and who are likable,
so by association I'm going tobe more likable and more
included in the groups and so on.
So there's this fear that I'mnot lovable and we feel that
we're not lovable because if wewere lovable, then our needs
(19:17):
would be met in relationshipsand we're not worthy because our
needs would have been met inour relationships.
So the anxiously attachedindividual is usually someone
who overdoes it in relationships.
Overdoes it in relationships.
They go far and beyond, aboveand beyond their expectations of
(19:38):
themselves, even to be the bestfriend possible, right.
So they do everything foreveryone.
They're constantly tired, buteveryone's happy with them, so
they're drained, right.
But again, this is all thedesire, or this all stems from a
desire to see closeness andintimacy with other people, and
the way to do that is by makingother people feel special.
I don't want people to feelunlovable or unworthy, so I'm
(20:00):
going to make sure that theyfeel that even though I feel
unlovable and unworthy, right?
So these are the commoncharacteristics in an anxiously
attached individual and, again,some examples of that could be
calling or texting frequently toseek reassurance.
These are behaviors thatthey'll do to seek out that
(20:24):
intimacy and closeness.
So here's some of the behaviors, so calling or texting
frequently to seek assurance,feeling intense jealousy or
insecurity in relationships,getting overly upset if a
partner is not immediatelyavailable.
So there's a lot here withtiming, right.
Anxiously attached individualslack patience and they lack
(20:47):
patience not at the externallevel, right, it's not patience
that you can see like they'reall easily frustrated in that
regard, but they lack patiencein being able to practice things
that help them feel secure.
Right, because it would helpthem to.
Okay, there's nothing wrong.
This person, again, in general,is usually there for me and
they are actually a good friend.
(21:09):
So why am I thinking all ofthese different things?
Right, they can't.
They have a hard time workingthrough the process of talking
themselves out of their anxiousthoughts.
So they got to practice and,again, I share this, not because
I'm saying that it's easy.
But because I know what it'slike to feel that anxiety, I
(21:34):
think I would lean more to theanxiously attached type of
person and move towards secure.
So I'm like right at thatbarrier of I think I seek enough
closeness and so I'm notavoidant, but I do feel anxiety
when something can go wrong.
Like I feel that and Iunderstand it very well.
(21:56):
So you know you have tounderstand just how your body
operates when it's sensing thosethings right, so being highly
reactive to perceived threats ofabandonment.
Again, there's a perceivedthreat of abandonment.
Threat of abandonment, eventhough the history, the context,
the patterns in the currentrelationship, if they're good,
(22:24):
there's still things that we canlook into and say feel like
it's a perceived threat thatthey're going to abandon me.
Right, feeling emotionallydependent on their partner for
validation and so forth.
Again, this goes back to well,what kind of work are you doing
on your own?
What is the Lord doing in yourlife to not to provide you with
validation or so forth, but justwhat is the Lord doing in your
(22:46):
life?
Like, if you can really lookback at your relationships,
notice, when did you feel mostsecure with the Lord?
This is actually a goodquestion for you to ask yourself
when was the last time that youfelt secure with the Lord based
off of your relationship?
So, for example, if you had ahealthy friendship right, a
(23:07):
loving friendship with someone,and let's say you had a great
job and or you have a great jobright and you're involved in
church and you're doing all ofthese different things, you're
going to feel closer to the Lord, you're going to feel secure in
your relationship with the Lord.
But if things are going wrongin your relationships, it's very
common for that person to alsofeel that way in their
(23:29):
relationship with God.
Like if their friends areabandoning them or if their
friends don't want to hang outwith them as much, if the person
they like doesn't like themback, if they don't feel like
they have a core group offriends, all of these different
things, then they might say well, lord, why aren't you blessing
me with better friends?
Or why don't I have theopportunity, like other people
do, to create connections likethey're doing?
(23:53):
So we start to question ourrelationship with God.
Does God really care?
Is God going to leave me inthis space with God?
Like, does God really care?
Right, is God going to leave mein this space?
And yeah, so there's thistransition of thoughts from our
human relationships to ourrelationship with God, and again
, we got to stop it right at thebeginning.
When those thoughts start tocome up, we need to start
(24:14):
challenging them right away.
So you'll become dependent onother people, right?
Just know from yourrelationship with God that you
were made in God's image, thatyou are a new creation.
Right, if you receive the Lord,you're a new creation and that
you start to develop the fruitsof the Spirit.
Right, and do your best to dothat.
Right, with the help of theHoly Spirit, you start to
(24:35):
develop the fruits of the Spirit.
So those are things that youwant to learn to develop in
those relationships.
Now here's some common issuesthat happen with the anxiously
attached individuals.
Right, there's this emotionalvolatility leading to frequent
conflicts.
So they don't know how toregulate themselves.
(24:58):
Right, the anxiety is too muchfor them.
The anxiety kind of leads themto have these unstable moments
where they can't controlthemselves.
It's internal, right, and ifthey can't control it internally
, eventually they start to showit outwardly.
Right, they become easilyfrustrated, they start to get a
little bit snappy or they startto say things that they didn't
(25:18):
want to say right Because becomeeasily frustrated, or they
start to get a little bit snappy, or they start to say things
that they didn't want to sayright Because they've just kept
everything inside.
So they're emotionally volatile,and that can lead to
misunderstanding and frequentarguments in their relationships
, like everything's a question,you know.
So, hey, why'd you say this?
Why, you know, I just said that.
You know that didn't meananything.
No, but I think it did meansomething, right?
(25:39):
They start to question everysingle interaction, they start
to question every singlemannerism or every single
gesture and they think that itmeans something when it doesn't.
So, all of these differentthings and again, it's not to
downplay what you're feeling orthinking about it, it's just to
(26:03):
remind you that, remember, a lotof this just has to do with how
your body is feeling and it'sreacting to things that you're
seeing in your environment.
You know, again, someone simplynot texting you back in time
can be one of them.
Another common issue that theanxiously attached individual
encounters is they havedifficulty setting boundaries,
right, because if I setboundaries, then that means
people are going to pull awayfrom me, right?
But the people who pull awayfrom you when you put boundaries
up, maybe those are the peoplethat you actually don't need in
(26:25):
your life now.
Um, I I like the idea ofboundaries, but I think we have
a misunderstanding of whatboundaries actually are.
So something, when people talkabout boundaries, it's actually
they think it's telling someonewhat not to do, when it's
actually telling yourself whatto do and also what not to do.
Right, you said the boundariesare for you, like, you get to
(26:45):
choose who you want to allow inyour life and who not to.
It's not you telling otherpeople what they need to do to
appease you, right?
Very different thing.
That's a whole other topic.
But the idea here is that thosewho are anxiously attached have
a difficult time settingboundaries.
Why?
Because it makes them feel asthough it's going to push the
people in their lives away.
(27:05):
Another common issue feelingneedy or clingy, which may push
partners away.
Again, if you're overbearing,you're going to see yourself as
overbearing and you're going tosee people around you kind of
maintain a distance, right,because they want to go on and
do their own thing as well.
So you kind of need to givepeople space, right, you give
yourself space, give the personspace so that you guys can come
(27:27):
together and talk about what'sbeen going on since you guys
haven't met from the last time,right?
And typically when you havesecure people in your life, you
typically pick it up where youlast stepped off, right Again,
those are the friendships thatyou want and you want to look
for.
They struggle with self-esteemand so forth issues which I kind
(27:48):
of mentioned earlier today, andthis one's a big one.
Actually, expecting the worst insituations and expecting the
worst can often lead to fearingrejection.
Right, so you can be in acompletely healthy relationship
and in your mind you could thinkof all the negative outcomes
(28:08):
from that relationship, eventhough things have been going
over in general very well, right?
So you start to think about ohyou know, eventually they're
going to ask me about this and Idon't know if I'm ready to
share about that.
And if I share that, they'renot going to like me anymore.
And you know, I don't know ifI'm ready to open up about that,
yet I'm still a little bitinsecure.
Or if I do share that, thenthey're going to pull away and
(28:29):
they're going to want nothing todo with me, right?
So even though the person hasnot shown any signs of being
judgmental or leaving you in anyregard, you start to think that
you expect the worst, even froma good, positive situation.
Okay, so hopefully you'regetting a good understanding of
(28:52):
what an anxiously attachedindividual looks like, right?
So this is for both people,right?
The person who is anxiouslyattached is probably saying, yes
, all of those made perfectsense to me.
That's exactly how I am.
I'm anxiously attachedindividual, right.
For another person, though, ifyou're listening, you might say
what People actually do that,gosh, now I know why so-and-so
is like this, or now I know whythis, this and that right.
(29:14):
But again, what I want for bothto understand is that it stems
from somewhere.
It's not just the way that theyare, but it's occurrences or
events that have happenedmultiple times that have created
this narrative in their mindand they believe that about
themselves, right, and it's thesame thing for the avoidant,
same thing for the disorganizedattachment style as well, which
(29:36):
I'll discuss in later episodes.
But we need to understand that,once you have this knowledge of
what an anxiously attachedindividual looks like, okay, so
now, what?
Now, what do I do with thatinformation?
How can I move from beinganxiously attached to becoming
more secure?
So, one of the biggestevidence-based approaches to
(29:59):
managing your anxiety or tobecoming less anxious, is to
have some self-compassion, right, mindfulness, and
self-compassion helps inmanaging emotions and developing
self-awareness, right?
So you got to be mindful ofwhat kind of thoughts are coming
to my mind when I'm gettingclose in relationships, right?
What are the most commonthoughts?
(30:20):
And you'll find like a theme,right, it could be avoidance, it
could be rejection, it could beabandonment, it could be any of
those, right, but you'll find atheme in the messages that come
to mind when you're gettingcloser in relationships or when
you're really seeking thatintimacy and trust with another
person.
So think about that right.
(30:42):
Think about what are thethoughts that are coming in and
which ones do I want tochallenge and which ones do I
want to implement?
Right, this is where youimplement some positive messages
for yourself.
So that includes CBT, which iscognitive behavioral therapy,
which is challenging negativebeliefs and changing patterns of
(31:02):
thinking.
All of these things are goingto take a lot of practice.
So the more you practice, thebetter you'll get at managing
these different thoughts.
I know it took a long time forme, but again, you want to take
it one step at a time.
Okay, challenge one thought ata time and regulate your body
one day at a time, right.
Learn how to just easily calmyour body down so that you can
(31:27):
challenge these thoughts thatare affecting your relationships
.
Okay, and then you know there'sthe term in attachment theory
that's called a correctiveattachment figure.
So this is the person that youkind of want to be like.
Like you see them, and theyseem to be very trusting of
(31:47):
others, trusting of themselves,trusting of God, trusting of
most things, right, and for manyof us we'd say, well, that's
dumb.
You know they shouldn't betrusting of everyone or
everything.
And no, this is not that person.
The securely attached individualtends to have a high view of
self and a high view of others,and not in an arrogant way or
not in an overly praising otherstoo much, but rather they just
(32:13):
feel that people in generaldon't mean them any harm, that
typically people want to do goodto them, right, and again, if
you grew up in a home where yourneeds were met and you were
loved and cared for, that wouldmake sense why they would have
that belief, right.
That's where you're trying toget as an anxiously attached
individual.
You're trying to get to thebelief that, okay, people are
(32:34):
good.
And I know also that, by theway, before I say that this is
not the, I don't want to changea theological understanding of
where I stand on this in regardsto people are not good,
naturally good, right, we havegood that is based off being
made in the image of God, but weare not, at heart, in our
(32:56):
hearts, good right?
Romans 3 talks about this.
No, there is no one who doesgood.
No one is good, right.
So, just to clarify that, when Ithink, when I talk about
attachment styles and I talkabout a high view of others,
high view of self, is thisaspect of you know, I can expect
that people are going to treatme well, right?
And I can expect that I cantreat myself well, right?
(33:18):
You're not disregarding yourhealth, you're not disregarding
your walk with the Lord, yourrelationships, your church or
anything like that, right?
So there's a high view of selfin that regard and a high view
of others, because your needshave been met and they were met
throughout differentdevelopmental stages of your
life, and because that'shappened, you are then able to
transition that over to yourrelationship with God.
(33:39):
So when you read a passageabout God being a comfort and a
secure, a protector and aprovider.
It makes sense to us why?
Because that's what happenedfor us when we were growing up
you had parents who were able tomeet your needs right.
So that's what we're trying toget.
In order to get that, you haveto change all of these different
patterns of thinking, all thesedifferent ways of feeling in
(34:02):
your body and so on, andhopefully I provide some
resources there with themindfulness, the self-compassion
.
Self-compassion is big.
I just want to touch on thislast piece a little bit more.
Self-compassion is the idea oflooking at yourself and
suffering with the youngerversion of yourself, and here's
what I mean by that.
There's this author, speaker,trauma therapist named Gabor
(34:29):
Mate and he talks about.
He describes the rootcompassion to mean suffer with.
He gets it from the Latin Latin, mean, it means to suffer with,
and when you look at it thatway, think of yourself as a
mentor, suffering with theyounger version of yourself and
(34:52):
in that suffering, like you,just understand what your
younger self was going through,right, that you're able to see
everything that was happening.
That you're able to see therejection from friends, your
parents' divorce, yourmisunderstanding in
relationships or your brokenrelationships, your dating
(35:14):
stages, all of those differentthings and you can look at your
younger self and say, gosh, Ireally feel that pain for you.
I remember what it felt likeright, so you're suffering with
that younger version of yourselfand if you can do that right,
you can provide whatever it isthat the younger version of
yourself needed.
And what did it need?
Typically it's just presence,like for someone to just be
(35:34):
there for you and listen to youand hear you out, and you know
if you want have get some advice.
But for the most part I feelthat a lot of the healing it can
be done through the physical,emotional, mental, spiritual
presence of another person rightA brother in Christ, a sister
in Christ, the Lord himselfthrough his word, through prayer
(35:56):
, through community, like thoseare the things that can bring
about a secure attachment styleand that's where everyone wants
to be right.
We want to develop a secureattachment style and hopefully,
as you listen to this episode,that you were able to find that
and that this was helpful foryou.
And again next time I'm goingto talk about the avoidant
(36:17):
attachment style and kind of howthey can get to become a secure
the attached individual.
Guys, it's been a while, I knowit's been a while.
Hopefully I'm knocking out moreof these episodes in the next
couple of months and be moreconsistent with it.
But thank you for tuning in,thank you for listening to the
podcast.
Leave a review, leave a ratingand I will talk to you next time
(36:38):
.
Take care, guys.
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