July 17, 2024 • 42 mins
Send Me Questions on Attachment
What if your quest for independence is actually a barrier to deeper emotional intimacy? Welcome back to the God Attachment Healing Podcast, where we tackle the complexities of avoidant, or dismissive, attachment styles. We begin by examining how early childhood experiences, where emotional needs were inconsistently met, can lead individuals to become self-reliant and uncomfortable with emotional closeness. These high-achievers often struggle to connect on a deeper level, despite their outward success.
Throughout this episode, we uncover the specific behaviors and challenges faced by those with an avoidant attachment style. From difficulties in trusting others to a fear of losing autonomy, avoidantly attached individuals frequently downplay the significance of emotional bonds, preferring solitary activities. Yet, beneath their self-sufficient exterior, they secretly long for meaningful connections. We explore the impact of these tendencies on various types of relationships, including friendships, romantic partnerships, and family dynamics, emphasizing the importance of tangible support as a form of emotional closeness.
Finally, we guide avoidantly attached individuals towards a path of healing and developing a more secure attachment style through vulnerability. Practical steps include emotional regulation, expanding one's emotional vocabulary, and addressing past wounds. Revisiting past experiences to reframe beliefs about relationships and closeness is also crucial. By gradually opening up to someone who is consistently present, avoidant individuals can foster healthier relationships and build stronger connections with God. Join us for an enlightening discussion aimed at transforming your relational dynamics and deepening your connection with the divine.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Well, welcome back everyone to the God Attachment
Healing Podcast.
I am working through a serieson the different attachment
styles and last week wediscussed the anxious attachment
style and described somecharacteristics, some examples,
some common issues with thatattachment style and also
provided some guidance on whatthey can do to become more
(00:29):
secure.
And today we're going to talkabout the avoidant attachment
style and I know for the mostpart, I think, people who have
requested these episodes they'reone or the other.
They're usually the anxiouswanting to know about the
avoidant, or they're one or theother.
They're usually the anxiouswanting to know about the
avoidant or they're the avoidantwanting to learn a little bit
about the anxious.
But that's more rare with theavoidant attachment style and
(00:51):
we'll discuss today a little bitas to why that's the case.
But yeah, it's been interestingto see these combinations of
anxious and avoidant and howthey typically tend to attract
one another and ultimately alsohow the anxious or the avoidant
transitions this relationship orthis way of relating over to
(01:12):
their relationship with God.
So we'll discuss that at theend of today's episode as well.
So we'll discusscharacteristics, some examples
of this avoidant or dismissiveattachment style, as we'll
figure out what it that'sanother name for it and some
common issues in relationshipsand, lastly, some practices to
become more secure.
So hopefully this is of abenefit to you as you listen and
(01:36):
, as always, you know, I lovehearing and receiving messages
from you guys about how thepodcast is helping you.
I just read through a couplejust today and a couple of days
ago on how the podcast ishelping you and encourages me a
lot to continue to do this andjust provide this information
(01:57):
for you guys so you can learnhow to relate to each other and
to God better.
So let's jump into the avoidantattachment style and you know,
one of the things that I have tomention, I think, in these
episodes, is that and I think Imentioned that in the previous
episode is that your attachmentstyle is not activated in every
(02:20):
single relationship or everysingle interaction that you have
.
Right, meaning that yourattachment style is activated
when you start to get closer topeople.
Okay, so think about this, asyour attachment style is
activated when you're withfamily, right, or when you're
with close friends.
(02:41):
So those are the times whereyou really see your attachment
style come out and, specifically, when there is a stressor,
right.
So there'll either be astressor or a sense of security
that can activate yourattachment style.
Okay, a lot of people falselybelieve that because they are
(03:02):
able to relate to a lot ofpeople and be personal and
likable and all that, that theyhave a secure attachment style.
But no, you just may be reallygood with people in public
spaces right, there are peoplewho are able to do that.
You could shut down yourattachment style or the way that
you relate for necessarymoments, like if you got to give
(03:22):
a public speech, or you got togo to a party, or you have to go
to church, or you go here orthere.
When you go to all these places, you're interacting with people
at a very typically a verysuperficial level.
But your attachment style willstart to become apparent as you
get closer to people.
And you get closer to people asyou become more vulnerable or
(03:43):
you spend more and more timewith them.
Okay, so think about therelationships right now that you
have and think about the peoplethat you mostly spend your time
with, and think about somepeople who make you feel safe
and think about some people whomake you feel a little bit
stressed out.
Right, and in those moments iswhere you're going to see what
attachment style comes up foryou, right, whether it be
(04:04):
anxious, where you start to kindof press into the person and
really start to ask forinformation and get a little
worried and concerned aboutwhether or not they like you or
so on.
Or, as we'll discuss today, youpull away.
You know that you don't want toget close, you want to keep
them at a distance, don't wantto be vulnerable, don't want to
share anything deep, just kindof keep everything on the
(04:26):
superficial level.
It's in those relationshipsthat you will see your
attachment style activated.
Okay, so here are somecharacteristics of the avoidant
attachment style, and I've beenkind of alluding to this.
But they are uncomfortable withemotional intimacy and
closeness.
Okay, again, typically foravoidance.
(04:47):
When they start to see peopleand meet people, you know
they're typically pretty good,right.
Avoidant attachment styles,right, are very independent,
right, and there's a reason forthat.
Again, if we go back to earlychildhood, right, this is kind
of the theme that we've beendiscussing here on attachment.
Early childhood, this personprobably did not get a lot of
(05:09):
their needs met and it was for aconsistent amount of time.
So as they got older, theyrealized at some point that they
had to find a way to meet thoseneeds themselves.
And when they see that theywere efficient or were able to
meet their own needs, then thebelief became well, why do I
need other people?
I don't need other people, Ican provide for myself.
(05:32):
Right, I can sustain myself, Ican get what I need and move on.
I don't need to get close topeople because what I've been
doing so far has worked right.
They're very high achieving,again, because they've had to
figure things out right.
So if I don't need someone elsein my life to get the things
that I need or that I want, then, yeah, you're going to pull
(05:53):
away from relationships.
You're not going to have a needto be emotionally intimate with
someone else, to share yourfeelings or what you're thinking
with someone else, right?
You keep all those things toyourself.
You don't want to be a burdento anyone else because, again,
you learned in early childhoodthat being a burden meant you
weren't going to get your needsmet, right.
So you had to find a way to getthose needs met and that's why
(06:16):
they become you know, avoidancetypically become very successful
and very high achieving becausethey press so much into
themselves and they develop alot of those skills that there
really is.
You know, at least at asuperficial level.
They don't really need anyoneto achieve any type of success,
(06:36):
right, but they do need a senseof security.
They do need another person whothey can share with.
This is what they need, right,and the way in which they're
filling that need is byachieving all of this success.
So it's kind of like atemporary band-aid for them,
right?
So that's why they need to keepgoing to the next thing and the
(06:57):
next thing and the next thing,because that is the only thing
that's filling that gap of loveor sense of accomplishment or
sense of self, sense of meaning.
That's where they're getting itright.
So they're uncomfortable withemotional intimacy.
Why do I need to share myfeelings, right?
I haven't done it up to thispoint, or I did it for a little
bit when I was younger, when Iwas a teenager, and you know my
(07:19):
friends ignored me and you knowso.
Then I learned that I don'tneed to share, or no one cares
about how I feel.
I just need to go out and dostuff.
Right, and closeness to themcould be.
When people are starting to askthem questions, they kind of
give these superficial answersand don't really give any depth
to to that question and whenthey're answering that question,
so you'll notice it, right, andthat you'll slowly see them
(07:43):
pull away from the conversationor they'll ask you a lot of
questions in order to avoidthose questions of themselves.
Right, so they'll minimize anytype of emotional expression.
So they may be a little bitstoic or maybe they don't have a
broad range of emotionalexpression.
Right Again, because too muchemotional expression indicates
(08:04):
to them chaos.
Right Again, because too muchemotional expression indicates
to them chaos, right, it's nocontrol and they need to be in
control.
Right, and they've had to be incontrol of most things in their
lives in order to achieve thesuccess that they've had.
Right, so they try to minimizehow much emotion they actually
experience so that other peopledon't see them as chaotic or as
(08:25):
someone who's not stable.
Right, they see themselves asstable.
But you know, with time, as theyenter relationships, that again
, that's when you start seeingthe impact of that avoidant
attachment style, because inorder to get close to people,
you have to be vulnerable, youhave to be real, you have to be
genuine, you have to beauthentic with what have to be
(08:46):
genuine, you have to beauthentic with what you're
thinking and what you're feeling.
Now.
There's a big push in cultureright now where you need to
share everything and, honestly,I don't think that that's
healthy or that that's the casewith a lot of people.
Right, you only need to sharewhen you are in a safe, secure
relationship.
(09:06):
People that are trustworthy,people that have been there for
you, people that have showed youthroughout time that they are
dependable.
Right, you don't just share forthe sake of sharing, for the
anxious attachment style.
They may think that they getinto a relationship and they'll
start sharing their heart.
Right, they'll start sharingeverything that's ever happened
to them as a bid for emotionalintimacy, for connection.
(09:29):
Right, the avoidance don't seerelationships that way.
Right, they see that as if Ishare this with you, you're
going to use it against me andyou're not going to see me as
strong anymore and I'm going tobecome weak and I'm not going to
be able to achieve all thethings that I want to achieve.
Right, so they preferindependence and self-reliance.
(09:52):
Okay, I don't need people iskind of their mantra, or I can
do it myself.
Right?
So when we think about theirchildhood, all of this again
makes a lot of sense as to whythey're approaching
relationships in the same way.
Why should they depend on you,right?
We almost need to give them areason to depend on other people
(10:15):
, right?
So avoidance may really don'treally make any close friends,
right?
It may seem friendly, butthat's because of the other
person's effort into therelationship, right?
So the other person puts theeffort into the relationship, so
it's typically an anxious,maybe a secure you know who's
trying to get to know anavoidant, but typically it's an
(10:37):
anxious.
It may be a disorganizedattachment style who's trying to
get to know the avoidant, butagain, the avoidant keeps his or
her distance from any type ofcloseness.
They see, and have a preferencefor being independent, being
self-reliant.
Another key factor here is thatthey have difficulty trusting
(11:02):
others, right, it's hard totrust people when all you've
ever experienced is betrayal, islies, is being used, right?
All of these different things.
And for the avoidant, they insome ways not create that
setting for themselves, likethose type of relationships.
(11:22):
But they don't have the abilityto create genuine trust and
authentic relationships becausethey don't get close, they don't
have emotional intimacy.
So, the people that are gettingclose to them, they end up
hurting them because there's notrust factor, right, there's
nothing that would make theother person say you know, know,
I don't want to hurt you.
So the avoidant in some wayscan create this type of
(11:46):
relationship with other people.
So it kind of becomes thisconfirmation bias where, see,
people are always going to useyou, people are always going to
lie to you, people are alwaysgoing to find a way to lose your
trust because they keep havingthese types of experiences.
So it makes their avoidantattachment style even stronger.
(12:07):
They really have no reason totrust other people so I'll get
to this a little bit later inthe episode.
But consistency of being there,of showing and modeling what
vulnerability is, what securityis, what strength is as well.
So they really do need a secureattachment style.
(12:29):
They need a secure person tohelp them come out of that and
we'll discuss that in a littlebit.
But there is a difficultytrusting others.
Another one is fear of losingautonomy, right, and that
personal space.
They don't want to have todepend or communicate with
anyone else when they havethings that they want to do,
(12:50):
right.
They feel most free whenthey're doing what they want and
they don't have to check inwith anyone.
So obviously that's gonna havean impact on their relationships
.
Again, it can be friendship, itcan be a romantic relationship,
it can be relationship withtheir parents, with the church,
any of those things.
They just kind of do things ontheir own and thrive in that
(13:11):
autonomy.
Right.
Again, if it's not broke, don'tfix it.
That's kind of how they seetheir autonomy and their
personal space.
And, again, because they havelearned that people aren't
trustworthy, they are reluctantto seek support or share
vulnerabilities with otherpeople.
Right, they don't want to askfor hope because all their life,
(13:37):
what they've seen as, when youask someone for hope, you're a
burden to them.
I don't wanna be a burden toanyone, right.
I just want to do things on myown.
And if someone needs somethingfrom me, right, they kind of
become the go-to person becausethey have what other people need
and they give it at the expenseof emotional intimacy and
(13:57):
vulnerability, right.
So that's why, for them, itseems like no, this is a great
relationship because I'm givingto this person.
I'm giving them what they need.
Right, in their eyes, they seeit as because I'm providing, you
know, this other thing.
That's not really my heart orthat's not really me, but I'm
providing this protection orthis type of security or this
(14:22):
need that you have.
That is separate from me, right?
So, again, that can be goingout to fancy dinners, right, in
a romantic relationship,providing groceries for one's
parents or one's siblings, right.
So all of these actions thatthey take, they see that as
being close and being loving andbeing caring, but the other
(14:44):
people are not receiving themlike the person who they are.
So it can become not confusingfor the avoidant, but they can
misconstrue those two thingsthat the provision of something
else other than them iscloseness right.
So they're reluctant to seeksupport or share vulnerabilities
(15:04):
because that can make them lookweak and because they see
themselves as strong and asdependable and as competent and
as being able to do and carryout whatever you know mission
they have in their minds.
They don't want to lose thatright.
They want to be the strong one.
They want to be the strong,silent, independent person who's
(15:25):
able to get things done.
Okay.
So those are thecharacteristics of the avoidant
attachment style, right, andsome examples of this.
Again, it all ties into thesecharacteristics that I mentioned
.
But you know, when you talk toand avoid attachments one of the
things that you'll probablyhear a lot from them is them
downplaying the importance ofrelationships or the importance
(15:49):
of emotional bonds.
Right, yeah, but that's notreally what makes a relationship
.
You know, a relationship isbased off of tasks, right.
It's things that you're able todo for each other, right?
And you know, I don't reallyneed anyone right now.
I'm fine on my own, I can dothese things.
You know, I don't really needanyone Really, you know that is
what they're wanting.
(16:10):
They're wanting that deep,emotional, close relationship.
They just don't know what itlooks like, right?
So the only way to cope withthat, for the way that they see
it, is to not make it a big deal.
Right, I don't really needanyone.
And again, if they do thatenough and they have done that
enough times it doesn't feellike anything, right.
Us as their friends, we mightsee it and think to ourselves
(16:32):
wow, you know, they really aresucceeding on their own, but the
reality is that they're reallybegging for that emotional
intimacy that they just don'tknow what it looks like.
Okay, so they'll downplay theimportance of those
relationships.
They'll avoid discussions aboutfeelings or personal experiences
.
So they're not the ones who aresharing their hearts, right?
(16:54):
They're not the ones who aresharing what they feel about
things.
They're typically prettyassertive.
Avoidance are because they'renot afraid of hurting anyone's
feelings, right, it doesn'tmatter, because I don't want to
get close to you anyways.
So if you like me or you don'tlike me, it doesn't matter to me
, right.
So they tend to be a little bitmore assertive, but they'll
also don't think of it only asthat type of person.
(17:16):
This person can also just avoiddiscussions about feelings,
right.
So people can be talking, canbe the family discussing, you
know, some events or someconflict that's been going on,
and they'll kind of stay out ofit, right.
If it's in a relationship andthe person is asking for them to
share something about theirlives and they kind of give like
(17:37):
a little vague statement abouta past trauma or something like
that, and it'll be verysuperficial again, very surface
level.
It won't be deep, they won'ttalk a lot about emotions, it'll
be very vague.
You know, one thing withavoidance is that they'll have a
very low or narrow emotionalvocabulary, right.
So very minimal emotionalvocabulary, and that's one of
(18:02):
the signs that you can look for.
Right, that's one example inthe avoidant attachment style.
They'll often choose solitaryactivities over opportunities
(18:23):
for connection, like a gamenight or spending time with
other people, going to church,you know, whatever the case is,
they would choose being bythemselves over being with other
people.
Again, one of the things that Idon't want us to mix up here is
avoidant, with introvertedright.
An introverted person does wantconnection, but the avoidant
person feels, or has the belief,that others can't be trusted
(18:48):
and that I can do things myself.
I don't really need otherpeople.
The person who's introvertedjust charges when they're on
their own.
So if they seek to go on a hikeor seek to go to the beach or
seek to just be home reading abook, whatever the case is, that
person is recharging okay, andthe avoidance it comes down to
(19:12):
the belief that they have aboutthemselves and about others,
okay.
I think I discussed this in lastweek's episode.
I said that the secure personhas a high view of self and high
view of others.
A better way to say that is apositive view of self and a
positive view of others.
So they feel good aboutthemselves, they know that
they're competent, they knowthat they can relate well to
(19:34):
people, they usually have apretty good upbringing right and
they believe that most peopleare good.
Not everyone's out to get them.
Get them.
They understand there's evil inthe world, but that most people
are trying to do their best For.
The anxious attachment style iseveryone else is good, everyone
else is better than me and Ineed so much work.
(19:54):
Oh my goodness, I can't believehow much work I need to do and
I'm just the worst.
They kind of have that beliefabout themselves, but when we
get to the avoidant attachmentstyle, they see everyone else as
bad, like no one can be trusted.
You shouldn't really put yourtrust in other people.
Don't be vulnerable.
They're going to use it againstyou.
You know.
Only depend on yourself, right?
(20:15):
So it comes down to the beliefthat they have about themselves
and about others.
Other people aren't trustworthy.
I need to depend on myself.
Other people are going to hurtyou.
I know what I need, right?
So they have this.
It's a worldview and approach torelationships, to people and
(20:38):
how they view people in general,right?
So just an advisory there as tonot confuse the introverted
person within avoidantpersonality, avoidant attachment
style.
They'll maintain emotionaldistance, even in moments of
distress.
So if they're going throughsomething, they'll want to be
isolated.
They don't want anyone to askthem about anything and, again,
(20:59):
like I said, they'll be vague.
This is different from someonewho is grieving a loss or is
grieving something that they'regoing through, right, or is
experiencing a level of pain youknow they'll need to be ready
to share with other people,right?
The common denominator here iswhat do they do in most
occasions?
Okay, in general, how do theyrespond?
(21:21):
Right?
So, let's say, this person whojust is going through a breakup
or just lost a family member orhas you know something's going
on with them, and they decide topull away, right, in general,
do they respond by pulling awayand you think about it and
you're like no, they don't, I'mjust going to give them some
time, right, and that personwill come around and they'll
start to share For the avoidant.
(21:42):
You know they never shareanything with anyone.
So now they just become evenmore secluded, right?
Not only that they becomesecluded, but they also don't
show that emotional pain on theoutside.
Right, a lot of it is internal.
They're still going to beproductive, they're still going
to be doing things that theywant to do.
They're still going to bedeemed by others as successful,
(22:03):
as strong, because, again,they're not wearing all those
emotions on their face or it'snot showing up in their
performance, anything like that?
Right, the avoidant seeks tostill be seen as strong, like I
am still able to depend onmyself, communicating to
everyone else, I don't reallyneed you, right?
(22:23):
And that is what's communicatedthrough their behavior like I
don't need other people.
So, again, they continue to besuccessful and do things well,
even in the midst of emotionaldistress.
One last example here fordismissive attachment style is
emphasizing self-sufficiency andminimizing the need for others.
(22:43):
Right, I don't need from you,you don't need from me.
Or if you do need somethingfrom me, I'll be able to provide
it, and then you know we can gofrom there, right?
So again, they don't want to beseen as weak.
Okay, now let's discuss some ofthe common issues in
relationships for the avoidantlyattached individuals.
So, some of the common issuesin relationships for the
avoidantly attached individuals.
So some of the things thatyou're going to see come up for
(23:06):
them in relationships isstruggles with emotional
intimacy and vulnerability.
We talked about that.
They're going to have atendency to distance themselves
when feeling overwhelmed orvulnerable.
Okay, so this is very important.
Okay, how do you know if you'rein a relationship or you're
someone who is avoidantlyattached is you tend to distance
(23:27):
yourself from others whenyou're overwhelmed or when
you're being vulnerable, right,like there's this pool, like I
don't want to share that, Idon't want to have to say that,
and there's this pooling awayfrom other people, right, and
sometimes we can sense that inthe avoidant attachment style.
Like we can tell when someone,when everyone's sharing
something deep, you know it canbe at a home group or it can be
(23:50):
just you know, when friends aregathered together and someone's
sharing, like you could tellthey're not talking or they're
not saying much.
Or when they do, they realizewhat they're doing and they
start pulling back.
Right, it's very interesting tosee.
Right, so they tend to distancethemselves when feeling
overwhelmed or vulnerable.
They have difficulty providingor accepting emotional support.
(24:12):
That one's really, reallyimportant too, right.
They don't know what to do instressful situations for other
people.
You know their mentality isgoing to be kind of like suck it
up.
You know, keep pushing forward,don't let this get you down.
You know you're stronger thanthis, let's do this.
Right, that's going to be theattitude that they have towards
a stressor or towards somethingthat is causing the stress for
(24:35):
someone else.
Right, because that's the waythat they do things themselves,
right.
So they look at the other personwho needs that support and they
say, well, why can't you dowhat I do?
Right, I'm able to work thisout.
Why can't you work it out?
So they don't know how toprovide that emotional support
for someone else.
Or they may also see whatthey're doing by encouraging
them by saying you know, keeppushing forward, forget about it
(24:57):
, let it go.
They may see that as providingemotional support and I know for
those who are either securelyattached or anxiously attached,
they may see that and say, well,that doesn't make any sense.
How can they just think thatthat's providing emotional
support Again in their minds andthat's what they believe right,
(25:19):
because that's what's beenworking for them.
So they're saying, if I'm doingthis and it's working for me,
I'm going to give this to you sothat it can work for you.
Right?
That's pretty much how they seeit.
So providing that emotionalsupport is difficult.
But also accepting emotionalsupport.
Again, you don't want to coddlethe avoidant, you don't want to
(25:41):
say, hey, I'm here for you.
They'll say, okay, thank you,especially if they like you and
you're a good friend, orwhatever the case is they know
that you're going to say theright thing in regards to giving
them emotional support whenthey're going through a
difficult time.
They know that already.
But in their mind, what getstriggered is okay, how am I
going to solve this?
How am I going to work this out?
(26:01):
What do I need to do here?
So they're problem solving intheir mind because, again, they
believe that no one else is ableto help them, right?
So you just got to be patientwith the avoidantly attached
individual as they process thatyou know.
Again, what they want to see isthis consistent behavior, that
(26:22):
your presence is there, andeventually they it starts to
register in their minds that,wow, this person has been here
throughout all of this time whenI've been dealing with this
myself.
Why wouldn't I start sharingwith them what's going on, right
?
And they'll test.
They'll throw out little things.
See how you respond to that.
They'll throw out somethingelse.
See how you respond to that.
But you don't want to try tosave this person, right?
(26:45):
Because again, for them, thatmeans that they're weak, that
means that they're not able todo it by themselves, right?
It's going to take a long timefor them to actually trust you.
Again, trust is one of thethings that they're going to
struggle with.
But you have to establish asense of security for a long
period of time before they canget to open up.
And I want to make this pointtoo, is that if you have someone
(27:07):
who is avoidantly attached inyour life, your goal is not to
help them start to be morevulnerable and be more trusting.
Okay, I think this is veryimportant.
So if you have a secureattachment style or anxiously
attached, or even for those whoare disorganized, again it's
going to be very limited theirability to relate.
But if you are securelyattached or anxiously attached,
(27:32):
your goal is not to change theavoidance attachment style.
Your goal is just to be presentwith them and to do that over a
long period of time.
That's your goal.
Just be a friend.
That's it right.
They will make the decisionthemselves when they feel that
(27:52):
you have proven yourself in asense.
I know it's hard to hear becauseyou're like you may have been
trying for a long time and youdon't see any change.
Well, you're focusing on thewrong thing.
You're focusing on I want tohelp them change and become more
secure, when that shouldn't bethe goal.
The goal is for you to bepresent with them and let them
get to that point themselveswhen they start to see man, when
(28:14):
I've been going through stufflike this person's always been
here, like this is verysignificant for me, and again
they're going to start testingthe waters and maybe share a
little bit.
Maybe you see a little bit ofvulnerability at some point and
again just stay there, listen,be present and hopefully, with
time again they start to realizewell, you know, maybe not
(28:34):
everyone is bad.
This person at least has shownme that they are trustworthy,
right.
And then the more examples theyhave of that in their life, the
better it is for them, okay.
So they also fear losingindependence, leading to
maintaining emotional walls,right.
So I think I've kind ofreferenced that earlier as one
(28:56):
of the examples in thedismissive or avoidant
attachment style.
And, lastly, challenges inexpressing needs or addressing
relationship issues.
They don't see their needs assomething that needs to be met
by someone else, right.
They see their needs assomething that they need to
carry out themselves.
That's what they want, right.
So if they want a job, they seethat as a need.
(29:17):
They go out and find a way toget that job.
They want a relationship.
They're going to pursue arelationship and find a way to
get the relationship in the waythat they want right, and if
it's not what they want, thenthey'll go ahead and just let it
be right.
But also, even when they're in arelationship, they don't want
to address the issues right.
They may not talk about, wantto talk about emotions because
they don't have language for it,so they'll avoid those
(29:40):
discussions.
Or they may feel like there'sno problem at all because if
we're not addressing things,we're just kind of living life
the way I've always lived it,where I'm not addressing issues,
I'm just doing what needs to bedone and I'm seeing great
success from it, as opposed tothe anxiously attached
individual who's going to seeproblems with that and they're
going to want to address issues.
(30:00):
They may want to address toomany issues at once, which can
be overwhelming for the avoidantattachment style.
So the avoidant attachmentstyle faces this challenge of
expressing their needs oraddressing issues in the
relationship Common, commonissues in relationships.
(30:23):
Now what can they do to developa secure attachment style?
So if you're listening right now, hopefully this is all making
sense and you know, you see itin yourself where you notice
that you pull away from peoplewho are trying to get close to
you.
You notice that you don't liketo address problems or issues in
relationships.
(30:44):
You notice that you are capableand competent and have done
things on your own for a verylong time.
And why would you need someoneelse?
Right?
But the reality is that Godcreated us for relationships
with him and then with eachother, right?
(31:04):
If we go back to the Garden ofEden, the first relationship
that Adam had was hisrelationship with God.
Then God saw that man was aloneand that it was not good, and
he created Eve.
So then he made Eve for Adam.
So now he made them arelationship for them.
Okay, so then he made Eve forAdam.
So now he made them arelationship for them.
Okay, so God, even in his verybeing as the Trinity, as God,
(31:26):
the father, god, the son, god,the Holy Spirit is a
relationship, is a community,right?
So we, because we bear theimage of God, we need
relationships, right?
So if you, as an avoidant, arelistening to this episode, right
, we don't want to fall into theline of thinking that you don't
need relationships, but we canstart breaking through that
barrier little by little, justtrying to find one person.
(31:46):
Okay, try to think of oneperson who has shown consistent
present behavior in your life,and it could be anyone.
It could be a parent, it couldbe a sibling, it could be a best
friend, it could be a romanticpartner Anyone, right?
Someone from church, a leader,a mentor, right?
Someone that has shownconsistent behaviors in being
(32:10):
there for you, who's alwaysthere, you know when things are
wrong even, and they're just,they're willing to listen, even
if you're not willing to share,right?
Try to find that person Iguarantee you have at least one
and then just slowly starttesting the waters with that
person.
You're going to feeluncomfortable.
(32:33):
One of the practices to becomemore securely attached that
you're going to want to do is anemotional regulation technique,
which is to manage that fear orthat anxiety in sharing with
other people effectively, right?
So when you think about sharingwith someone, you got to
picture it.
Okay, me sharing somethingvulnerable with someone else.
Who do I choose?
And again, just make sure thatthat person has been
(32:54):
consistently present in yourlife and test out the waters
with that person.
Been consistently present inyour life and test out the
waters with that person, okay,manage the anxiety or the fear
that you have of becoming weakor being seen as weak when you
share your emotions.
You really have to change yourview of yourself, right that
being vulnerable or sharing youremotions does not equate to
(33:14):
being weak?
Okay, does not equate to beingweak, okay.
Being open and honest withsomeone else about a weakness is
not something that they'regoing to use against you.
Again, if you choose the rightperson okay, someone who's been
consistently present in yourlife Then you want to broaden
your emotional language.
(33:35):
Right, for those who areavoidantly attached, they
usually don't have a broad rangeof emotional expression.
Maybe the only ones that theyhave may be anger.
Okay, it can be anger, it maybe.
I'm trying to think of whatother feelings an avoidant may
(33:57):
experience when they're gettingclose to people.
They do experience some levelsof anxiety because they don't
want to share anything deep.
They want to draw that linevery close to themselves so that
they don't share too much thatthe emotion can be used against
them.
So they're not going to have alot of language.
(34:18):
So one of the things that Iencourage you to do is to kind
of gather or gather.
Download the PDF file of theemotions wheel and see how many
emotions you come up for anger,for fear, for surprise, for
happiness, for joy, right?
See how many positive emotionsyou can describe, and I think
that's going to be a good startfor you, right?
(34:38):
How many positive emotions canyou describe?
Happiness, joy, glee, playful,hopeful, all of these different
things that can be attributed topositive emotions.
So use that, okay.
Addressing past wounds that haveimpacted your attachment style.
So, for those who areavoidantly attached right, the
(35:00):
past wound is no one's ever beenthere for me.
My needs were never met, so Ihad to learn how to meet my own
needs, right, so we got to goback to childhood.
Go back, obviously, you do thisin counseling.
I wouldn't recommend doing thatwith a friend.
You know a hum, so you can testthe waters out with that single
person that you have in yourmind, the one that you deem as
(35:22):
trustworthy, and try sharingwith them, and that can help a
little bit.
But, yes, addressing past woundsthat have impacted your
attachment style.
And, you know, secure baseexploration, which is what I
would call here, which isrevisiting past experiences to
reframe beliefs aboutrelationships and closeness.
Again, your language aroundrelationships, your
(35:45):
understanding of relationships,would need to change.
Okay, so you got to go back tothose past experiences and
instead of saying, you know,people aren't trustworthy or all
people aren't trustworthybecause maybe your parents
weren't trustworthy trustworthyor they weren't able to meet
your needs, maybe there wasnever enough money or enough
food or enough clothes, enoughof you know emotional presence
(36:05):
themselves, right, them beingthere for you because they were
always working, like all ofthose things communicated
something to you at that time.
But we could reframe thosebeliefs, right?
You go back and say you knowwhat my parents did, the best
that they could.
Back and say you know what myparents did the best that they
could.
And even though they did thebest that they could, that
doesn't mean that people don'twant to be close to me, right?
(36:26):
Or that doesn't mean thateveryone else is unable to meet
my needs, right?
Something as simple as that,reframing that experience.
Okay, so those are somepractices that you can do.
Now, what does this all have todo with God attachment?
Well, now we start to see thatthese relationships have
(36:50):
developed so strongly that now,when we think about our
relationship with God, what aresome of the things that you're
going to start to think aboutyour relationship with God?
So, typically, the avoidant isgoing to be very logical in his
faith.
Right, they're going to knowthings about God.
They're going to know how toexplain God, have a really good,
(37:11):
sound theology, but they don'thave any actual relationship
with God.
Why?
Because they're unable to bevulnerable with God.
They would frame it this wayGod knows what I'm going through
and he'll meet that need atsome point, right?
No, and again, they won't evenshare this in their prayer.
They may not even pray.
You know, I'm not saying allavoidance, don't pray.
(37:33):
What I'm saying is that prayeris an emotional conversation
that we have with God aboutwhere we are in our lives.
Right, and for an avoidant,that may be difficult.
For them, you know where theyshare what they're experiencing
and they may see God as seeingthem as whiny.
(37:55):
Right, they say why am I goingto share this with God?
Like God already knows what I'mgoing through, he probably just
sees me as some whiny baby if Istart sharing these things.
Right Again, and that isreflective of how they view
themselves or how they viewother people.
Right, if someone is sharingsomething that they're going
through and it's emotionallydraining or has been painful,
(38:15):
they might say well, you know,that's life.
That's how life is, you know.
Tough it up and get back to it,right?
So they then transfer thatcommunication style over to God
and think that God views them inthe same way.
So if I become vulnerable withGod, the avoidant thinks if I
become vulnerable with God, he'sprobably just going to think
I'm a big baby, you know.
He's going to tell me, like youknow, I should be strong and
(38:39):
courageous and move forward and,you know, take care of business
, right?
So even with the use ofscripture, they'll use it to
kind of twist the idea of notbeing vulnerable with God, right
?
So that's one aspect of it.
They also may just minimizetheir pain, right?
(39:00):
You know there's other people.
Here's a classic one that anavoider may use.
People in the Bible sufferedmuch more than what I've
suffered.
Why am I whining about this?
Right, and that makes a lot ofsense for them.
Why am I whining about this?
God's probably looking at thosemartyrs, people who lost their
(39:23):
lives, at the disciples who gavetheir lives for Jesus and they
died horrible deaths.
And here I am whining aboutsomeone who wasn't able to meet
my needs, and it was just my mom, or it was just my dad, or it
was just this friend or thisgirl that broke up with me or
this guy that broke up with me,like all these things that we
start to think about and weminimize those things.
(39:46):
Right, and they'll see it aswell.
You know, other people havesuffered greater things than I
have.
I don't have nothing tocomplain about, right.
So there's no need in theireyes to come to God with any
concerns or issues or problemsor vulnerabilities, because God
knows and other people havesuffered more.
(40:07):
So that is kind of the languagethat the avoidantly attached
individual is using to describetheir relationship with God.
They will distance themselveswhen they're going through pain.
They won't draw relationshipwith God.
Okay, they will distancethemselves when they're going
through pain.
They won't draw close to God.
God doesn't want to see meright now.
You know I'm not in a good spot, so why even come closer to God
(40:29):
?
I don't want to, I don't needto, or he probably doesn't want
me to right the belief thatothers cannot be trusted If I
share this with God.
What if I share this with Godand he brings some sort of trial
on my life?
I don't want that.
So I'd rather keep this tomyself, right?
Or again, like going back to theidea of being able to express
their needs or addressing issues.
(40:51):
Again, god knows what I needand he'll provide it when the
time comes.
So they'll go through this timeof suffering and they'll
explain it away, as God knowswhat I need and maybe I don't
deserve it right now.
So I got to earn it right, Igot to do good.
And they start performing andthey start, you know, continuing
to do good and because they seeall of the success that they're
(41:11):
having, they see that as Godblessing them right.
So there's no need for me to beexpressing my needs to God,
because I'm already providing itfor myself and the Lord has
been good.
And when the Lord is not goodquote unquote they see it as
their failure.
They say, well, I messed up, Imust have done something wrong,
so God's probably punishing mewith this.
(41:34):
So anything that moves them awayfrom becoming closer and more
emotionally expressive andintimate with God, they will
avoid.
So it's a lot.
It's a lot that the avoidantlyattached individual will
experience.
If this is you, you know.
(41:55):
Hopefully this has been helpfuland that you know shed some
light on how you can start tomove into a more secure
relationship with other peopleand relationship with God For
those who are anxiously attachedor securely attached and you
have an avoidant, an avoidingattached person in your life.
Again, be present, be patientand be there for the long haul
(42:19):
right.
Be there for them.
Be that person that god can usein their lives to show them
that their needs matter and thatthey do have value in your life
.
I hope this was of anencouragement to you guys.
Next time I'm going to talkabout the disorganized
attachment style and then I'llwrap it up with the final
(42:40):
episode on how this can berelated to our relationship with
God and how we can grow in ourrelationship with Christ.
Thanks, guys, I will see younext time.
Well, welcome back everyone to the God Attachment
Healing Podcast.
I am working through a serieson the different attachment
styles and last week wediscussed the anxious attachment
style and described somecharacteristics, some examples,
some common issues with thatattachment style and also
provided some guidance on whatthey can do to become more
(00:29):
secure.
And today we're going to talkabout the avoidant attachment
style and I know for the mostpart, I think, people who have
requested these episodes they'reone or the other.
They're usually the anxiouswanting to know about the
avoidant, or they're one or theother.
They're usually the anxiouswanting to know about the
avoidant or they're the avoidantwanting to learn a little bit
about the anxious.
But that's more rare with theavoidant attachment style and
(00:51):
we'll discuss today a little bitas to why that's the case.
But yeah, it's been interestingto see these combinations of
anxious and avoidant and howthey typically tend to attract
one another and ultimately alsohow the anxious or the avoidant
transitions this relationship orthis way of relating over to
(01:12):
their relationship with God.
So we'll discuss that at theend of today's episode as well.
So we'll discusscharacteristics, some examples
of this avoidant or dismissiveattachment style, as we'll
figure out what it that'sanother name for it and some
common issues in relationshipsand, lastly, some practices to
become more secure.
So hopefully this is of abenefit to you as you listen and
(01:36):
, as always, you know, I lovehearing and receiving messages
from you guys about how thepodcast is helping you.
I just read through a couplejust today and a couple of days
ago on how the podcast ishelping you and encourages me a
lot to continue to do this andjust provide this information
(01:57):
for you guys so you can learnhow to relate to each other and
to God better.
So let's jump into the avoidantattachment style and you know,
one of the things that I have tomention, I think, in these
episodes, is that and I think Imentioned that in the previous
episode is that your attachmentstyle is not activated in every
(02:20):
single relationship or everysingle interaction that you have
.
Right, meaning that yourattachment style is activated
when you start to get closer topeople.
Okay, so think about this, asyour attachment style is
activated when you're withfamily, right, or when you're
with close friends.
(02:41):
So those are the times whereyou really see your attachment
style come out and, specifically, when there is a stressor,
right.
So there'll either be astressor or a sense of security
that can activate yourattachment style.
Okay, a lot of people falselybelieve that because they are
(03:02):
able to relate to a lot ofpeople and be personal and
likable and all that, that theyhave a secure attachment style.
But no, you just may be reallygood with people in public
spaces right, there are peoplewho are able to do that.
You could shut down yourattachment style or the way that
you relate for necessarymoments, like if you got to give
(03:22):
a public speech, or you got togo to a party, or you have to go
to church, or you go here orthere.
When you go to all these places, you're interacting with people
at a very typically a verysuperficial level.
But your attachment style willstart to become apparent as you
get closer to people.
And you get closer to people asyou become more vulnerable or
(03:43):
you spend more and more timewith them.
Okay, so think about therelationships right now that you
have and think about the peoplethat you mostly spend your time
with, and think about somepeople who make you feel safe
and think about some people whomake you feel a little bit
stressed out.
Right, and in those moments iswhere you're going to see what
attachment style comes up foryou, right, whether it be
(04:04):
anxious, where you start to kindof press into the person and
really start to ask forinformation and get a little
worried and concerned aboutwhether or not they like you or
so on.
Or, as we'll discuss today, youpull away.
You know that you don't want toget close, you want to keep
them at a distance, don't wantto be vulnerable, don't want to
share anything deep, just kindof keep everything on the
(04:26):
superficial level.
It's in those relationshipsthat you will see your
attachment style activated.
Okay, so here are somecharacteristics of the avoidant
attachment style, and I've beenkind of alluding to this.
But they are uncomfortable withemotional intimacy and
closeness.
Okay, again, typically foravoidance.
(04:47):
When they start to see peopleand meet people, you know
they're typically pretty good,right.
Avoidant attachment styles,right, are very independent,
right, and there's a reason forthat.
Again, if we go back to earlychildhood, right, this is kind
of the theme that we've beendiscussing here on attachment.
Early childhood, this personprobably did not get a lot of
(05:09):
their needs met and it was for aconsistent amount of time.
So as they got older, theyrealized at some point that they
had to find a way to meet thoseneeds themselves.
And when they see that theywere efficient or were able to
meet their own needs, then thebelief became well, why do I
need other people?
I don't need other people, Ican provide for myself.
(05:32):
Right, I can sustain myself, Ican get what I need and move on.
I don't need to get close topeople because what I've been
doing so far has worked right.
They're very high achieving,again, because they've had to
figure things out right.
So if I don't need someone elsein my life to get the things
that I need or that I want, then, yeah, you're going to pull
(05:53):
away from relationships.
You're not going to have a needto be emotionally intimate with
someone else, to share yourfeelings or what you're thinking
with someone else, right?
You keep all those things toyourself.
You don't want to be a burdento anyone else because, again,
you learned in early childhoodthat being a burden meant you
weren't going to get your needsmet, right.
So you had to find a way to getthose needs met and that's why
(06:16):
they become you know, avoidancetypically become very successful
and very high achieving becausethey press so much into
themselves and they develop alot of those skills that there
really is.
You know, at least at asuperficial level.
They don't really need anyoneto achieve any type of success,
(06:36):
right, but they do need a senseof security.
They do need another person whothey can share with.
This is what they need, right,and the way in which they're
filling that need is byachieving all of this success.
So it's kind of like atemporary band-aid for them,
right?
So that's why they need to keepgoing to the next thing and the
(06:57):
next thing and the next thing,because that is the only thing
that's filling that gap of loveor sense of accomplishment or
sense of self, sense of meaning.
That's where they're getting itright.
So they're uncomfortable withemotional intimacy.
Why do I need to share myfeelings, right?
I haven't done it up to thispoint, or I did it for a little
bit when I was younger, when Iwas a teenager, and you know my
(07:19):
friends ignored me and you knowso.
Then I learned that I don'tneed to share, or no one cares
about how I feel.
I just need to go out and dostuff.
Right, and closeness to themcould be.
When people are starting to askthem questions, they kind of
give these superficial answersand don't really give any depth
to to that question and whenthey're answering that question,
so you'll notice it, right, andthat you'll slowly see them
(07:43):
pull away from the conversationor they'll ask you a lot of
questions in order to avoidthose questions of themselves.
Right, so they'll minimize anytype of emotional expression.
So they may be a little bitstoic or maybe they don't have a
broad range of emotionalexpression.
Right Again, because too muchemotional expression indicates
(08:04):
to them chaos.
Right Again, because too muchemotional expression indicates
to them chaos, right, it's nocontrol and they need to be in
control.
Right, and they've had to be incontrol of most things in their
lives in order to achieve thesuccess that they've had.
Right, so they try to minimizehow much emotion they actually
experience so that other peopledon't see them as chaotic or as
(08:25):
someone who's not stable.
Right, they see themselves asstable.
But you know, with time, as theyenter relationships, that again
, that's when you start seeingthe impact of that avoidant
attachment style, because inorder to get close to people,
you have to be vulnerable, youhave to be real, you have to be
genuine, you have to beauthentic with what have to be
(08:46):
genuine, you have to beauthentic with what you're
thinking and what you're feeling.
Now.
There's a big push in cultureright now where you need to
share everything and, honestly,I don't think that that's
healthy or that that's the casewith a lot of people.
Right, you only need to sharewhen you are in a safe, secure
relationship.
(09:06):
People that are trustworthy,people that have been there for
you, people that have showed youthroughout time that they are
dependable.
Right, you don't just share forthe sake of sharing, for the
anxious attachment style.
They may think that they getinto a relationship and they'll
start sharing their heart.
Right, they'll start sharingeverything that's ever happened
to them as a bid for emotionalintimacy, for connection.
(09:29):
Right, the avoidance don't seerelationships that way.
Right, they see that as if Ishare this with you, you're
going to use it against me andyou're not going to see me as
strong anymore and I'm going tobecome weak and I'm not going to
be able to achieve all thethings that I want to achieve.
Right, so they preferindependence and self-reliance.
(09:52):
Okay, I don't need people iskind of their mantra, or I can
do it myself.
Right?
So when we think about theirchildhood, all of this again
makes a lot of sense as to whythey're approaching
relationships in the same way.
Why should they depend on you,right?
We almost need to give them areason to depend on other people
(10:15):
, right?
So avoidance may really don'treally make any close friends,
right?
It may seem friendly, butthat's because of the other
person's effort into therelationship, right?
So the other person puts theeffort into the relationship, so
it's typically an anxious,maybe a secure you know who's
trying to get to know anavoidant, but typically it's an
(10:37):
anxious.
It may be a disorganizedattachment style who's trying to
get to know the avoidant, butagain, the avoidant keeps his or
her distance from any type ofcloseness.
They see, and have a preferencefor being independent, being
self-reliant.
Another key factor here is thatthey have difficulty trusting
(11:02):
others, right, it's hard totrust people when all you've
ever experienced is betrayal, islies, is being used, right?
All of these different things.
And for the avoidant, they insome ways not create that
setting for themselves, likethose type of relationships.
(11:22):
But they don't have the abilityto create genuine trust and
authentic relationships becausethey don't get close, they don't
have emotional intimacy.
So, the people that are gettingclose to them, they end up
hurting them because there's notrust factor, right, there's
nothing that would make theother person say you know, know,
I don't want to hurt you.
So the avoidant in some wayscan create this type of
(11:46):
relationship with other people.
So it kind of becomes thisconfirmation bias where, see,
people are always going to useyou, people are always going to
lie to you, people are alwaysgoing to find a way to lose your
trust because they keep havingthese types of experiences.
So it makes their avoidantattachment style even stronger.
(12:07):
They really have no reason totrust other people so I'll get
to this a little bit later inthe episode.
But consistency of being there,of showing and modeling what
vulnerability is, what securityis, what strength is as well.
So they really do need a secureattachment style.
(12:29):
They need a secure person tohelp them come out of that and
we'll discuss that in a littlebit.
But there is a difficultytrusting others.
Another one is fear of losingautonomy, right, and that
personal space.
They don't want to have todepend or communicate with
anyone else when they havethings that they want to do,
(12:50):
right.
They feel most free whenthey're doing what they want and
they don't have to check inwith anyone.
So obviously that's gonna havean impact on their relationships
.
Again, it can be friendship, itcan be a romantic relationship,
it can be relationship withtheir parents, with the church,
any of those things.
They just kind of do things ontheir own and thrive in that
(13:11):
autonomy.
Right.
Again, if it's not broke, don'tfix it.
That's kind of how they seetheir autonomy and their
personal space.
And, again, because they havelearned that people aren't
trustworthy, they are reluctantto seek support or share
vulnerabilities with otherpeople.
Right, they don't want to askfor hope because all their life,
(13:37):
what they've seen as, when youask someone for hope, you're a
burden to them.
I don't wanna be a burden toanyone, right.
I just want to do things on myown.
And if someone needs somethingfrom me, right, they kind of
become the go-to person becausethey have what other people need
and they give it at the expenseof emotional intimacy and
(13:57):
vulnerability, right.
So that's why, for them, itseems like no, this is a great
relationship because I'm givingto this person.
I'm giving them what they need.
Right, in their eyes, they seeit as because I'm providing, you
know, this other thing.
That's not really my heart orthat's not really me, but I'm
providing this protection orthis type of security or this
(14:22):
need that you have.
That is separate from me, right?
So, again, that can be goingout to fancy dinners, right, in
a romantic relationship,providing groceries for one's
parents or one's siblings, right.
So all of these actions thatthey take, they see that as
being close and being loving andbeing caring, but the other
(14:44):
people are not receiving themlike the person who they are.
So it can become not confusingfor the avoidant, but they can
misconstrue those two thingsthat the provision of something
else other than them iscloseness right.
So they're reluctant to seeksupport or share vulnerabilities
(15:04):
because that can make them lookweak and because they see
themselves as strong and asdependable and as competent and
as being able to do and carryout whatever you know mission
they have in their minds.
They don't want to lose thatright.
They want to be the strong one.
They want to be the strong,silent, independent person who's
(15:25):
able to get things done.
Okay.
So those are thecharacteristics of the avoidant
attachment style, right, andsome examples of this.
Again, it all ties into thesecharacteristics that I mentioned
.
But you know, when you talk toand avoid attachments one of the
things that you'll probablyhear a lot from them is them
downplaying the importance ofrelationships or the importance
(15:49):
of emotional bonds.
Right, yeah, but that's notreally what makes a relationship
.
You know, a relationship isbased off of tasks, right.
It's things that you're able todo for each other, right?
And you know, I don't reallyneed anyone right now.
I'm fine on my own, I can dothese things.
You know, I don't really needanyone Really, you know that is
what they're wanting.
(16:10):
They're wanting that deep,emotional, close relationship.
They just don't know what itlooks like, right?
So the only way to cope withthat, for the way that they see
it, is to not make it a big deal.
Right, I don't really needanyone.
And again, if they do thatenough and they have done that
enough times it doesn't feellike anything, right.
Us as their friends, we mightsee it and think to ourselves
(16:32):
wow, you know, they really aresucceeding on their own, but the
reality is that they're reallybegging for that emotional
intimacy that they just don'tknow what it looks like.
Okay, so they'll downplay theimportance of those
relationships.
They'll avoid discussions aboutfeelings or personal experiences
.
So they're not the ones who aresharing their hearts, right?
(16:54):
They're not the ones who aresharing what they feel about
things.
They're typically prettyassertive.
Avoidance are because they'renot afraid of hurting anyone's
feelings, right, it doesn'tmatter, because I don't want to
get close to you anyways.
So if you like me or you don'tlike me, it doesn't matter to me
, right.
So they tend to be a little bitmore assertive, but they'll
also don't think of it only asthat type of person.
(17:16):
This person can also just avoiddiscussions about feelings,
right.
So people can be talking, canbe the family discussing, you
know, some events or someconflict that's been going on,
and they'll kind of stay out ofit, right.
If it's in a relationship andthe person is asking for them to
share something about theirlives and they kind of give like
(17:37):
a little vague statement abouta past trauma or something like
that, and it'll be verysuperficial again, very surface
level.
It won't be deep, they won'ttalk a lot about emotions, it'll
be very vague.
You know, one thing withavoidance is that they'll have a
very low or narrow emotionalvocabulary, right.
So very minimal emotionalvocabulary, and that's one of
(18:02):
the signs that you can look for.
Right, that's one example inthe avoidant attachment style.
They'll often choose solitaryactivities over opportunities
(18:23):
for connection, like a gamenight or spending time with
other people, going to church,you know, whatever the case is,
they would choose being bythemselves over being with other
people.
Again, one of the things that Idon't want us to mix up here is
avoidant, with introvertedright.
An introverted person does wantconnection, but the avoidant
person feels, or has the belief,that others can't be trusted
(18:48):
and that I can do things myself.
I don't really need otherpeople.
The person who's introvertedjust charges when they're on
their own.
So if they seek to go on a hikeor seek to go to the beach or
seek to just be home reading abook, whatever the case is, that
person is recharging okay, andthe avoidance it comes down to
(19:12):
the belief that they have aboutthemselves and about others,
okay.
I think I discussed this in lastweek's episode.
I said that the secure personhas a high view of self and high
view of others.
A better way to say that is apositive view of self and a
positive view of others.
So they feel good aboutthemselves, they know that
they're competent, they knowthat they can relate well to
(19:34):
people, they usually have apretty good upbringing right and
they believe that most peopleare good.
Not everyone's out to get them.
Get them.
They understand there's evil inthe world, but that most people
are trying to do their best For.
The anxious attachment style iseveryone else is good, everyone
else is better than me and Ineed so much work.
(19:54):
Oh my goodness, I can't believehow much work I need to do and
I'm just the worst.
They kind of have that beliefabout themselves, but when we
get to the avoidant attachmentstyle, they see everyone else as
bad, like no one can be trusted.
You shouldn't really put yourtrust in other people.
Don't be vulnerable.
They're going to use it againstyou.
You know.
Only depend on yourself, right?
(20:15):
So it comes down to the beliefthat they have about themselves
and about others.
Other people aren't trustworthy.
I need to depend on myself.
Other people are going to hurtyou.
I know what I need, right?
So they have this.
It's a worldview and approach torelationships, to people and
(20:38):
how they view people in general,right?
So just an advisory there as tonot confuse the introverted
person within avoidantpersonality, avoidant attachment
style.
They'll maintain emotionaldistance, even in moments of
distress.
So if they're going throughsomething, they'll want to be
isolated.
They don't want anyone to askthem about anything and, again,
(20:59):
like I said, they'll be vague.
This is different from someonewho is grieving a loss or is
grieving something that they'regoing through, right, or is
experiencing a level of pain youknow they'll need to be ready
to share with other people,right?
The common denominator here iswhat do they do in most
occasions?
Okay, in general, how do theyrespond?
(21:21):
Right?
So, let's say, this person whojust is going through a breakup
or just lost a family member orhas you know something's going
on with them, and they decide topull away, right, in general,
do they respond by pulling awayand you think about it and
you're like no, they don't, I'mjust going to give them some
time, right, and that personwill come around and they'll
start to share For the avoidant.
(21:42):
You know they never shareanything with anyone.
So now they just become evenmore secluded, right?
Not only that they becomesecluded, but they also don't
show that emotional pain on theoutside.
Right, a lot of it is internal.
They're still going to beproductive, they're still going
to be doing things that theywant to do.
They're still going to bedeemed by others as successful,
(22:03):
as strong, because, again,they're not wearing all those
emotions on their face or it'snot showing up in their
performance, anything like that?
Right, the avoidant seeks tostill be seen as strong, like I
am still able to depend onmyself, communicating to
everyone else, I don't reallyneed you, right?
(22:23):
And that is what's communicatedthrough their behavior like I
don't need other people.
So, again, they continue to besuccessful and do things well,
even in the midst of emotionaldistress.
One last example here fordismissive attachment style is
emphasizing self-sufficiency andminimizing the need for others.
(22:43):
Right, I don't need from you,you don't need from me.
Or if you do need somethingfrom me, I'll be able to provide
it, and then you know we can gofrom there, right?
So again, they don't want to beseen as weak.
Okay, now let's discuss some ofthe common issues in
relationships for the avoidantlyattached individuals.
So, some of the common issuesin relationships for the
avoidantly attached individuals.
So some of the things thatyou're going to see come up for
(23:06):
them in relationships isstruggles with emotional
intimacy and vulnerability.
We talked about that.
They're going to have atendency to distance themselves
when feeling overwhelmed orvulnerable.
Okay, so this is very important.
Okay, how do you know if you'rein a relationship or you're
someone who is avoidantlyattached is you tend to distance
(23:27):
yourself from others whenyou're overwhelmed or when
you're being vulnerable, right,like there's this pool, like I
don't want to share that, Idon't want to have to say that,
and there's this pooling awayfrom other people, right, and
sometimes we can sense that inthe avoidant attachment style.
Like we can tell when someone,when everyone's sharing
something deep, you know it canbe at a home group or it can be
(23:50):
just you know, when friends aregathered together and someone's
sharing, like you could tellthey're not talking or they're
not saying much.
Or when they do, they realizewhat they're doing and they
start pulling back.
Right, it's very interesting tosee.
Right, so they tend to distancethemselves when feeling
overwhelmed or vulnerable.
They have difficulty providingor accepting emotional support.
(24:12):
That one's really, reallyimportant too, right.
They don't know what to do instressful situations for other
people.
You know their mentality isgoing to be kind of like suck it
up.
You know, keep pushing forward,don't let this get you down.
You know you're stronger thanthis, let's do this.
Right, that's going to be theattitude that they have towards
a stressor or towards somethingthat is causing the stress for
(24:35):
someone else.
Right, because that's the waythat they do things themselves,
right.
So they look at the other personwho needs that support and they
say, well, why can't you dowhat I do?
Right, I'm able to work thisout.
Why can't you work it out?
So they don't know how toprovide that emotional support
for someone else.
Or they may also see whatthey're doing by encouraging
them by saying you know, keeppushing forward, forget about it
(24:57):
, let it go.
They may see that as providingemotional support and I know for
those who are either securelyattached or anxiously attached,
they may see that and say, well,that doesn't make any sense.
How can they just think thatthat's providing emotional
support Again in their minds andthat's what they believe right,
(25:19):
because that's what's beenworking for them.
So they're saying, if I'm doingthis and it's working for me,
I'm going to give this to you sothat it can work for you.
Right?
That's pretty much how they seeit.
So providing that emotionalsupport is difficult.
But also accepting emotionalsupport.
Again, you don't want to coddlethe avoidant, you don't want to
(25:41):
say, hey, I'm here for you.
They'll say, okay, thank you,especially if they like you and
you're a good friend, orwhatever the case is they know
that you're going to say theright thing in regards to giving
them emotional support whenthey're going through a
difficult time.
They know that already.
But in their mind, what getstriggered is okay, how am I
going to solve this?
How am I going to work this out?
(26:01):
What do I need to do here?
So they're problem solving intheir mind because, again, they
believe that no one else is ableto help them, right?
So you just got to be patientwith the avoidantly attached
individual as they process thatyou know.
Again, what they want to see isthis consistent behavior, that
(26:22):
your presence is there, andeventually they it starts to
register in their minds that,wow, this person has been here
throughout all of this time whenI've been dealing with this
myself.
Why wouldn't I start sharingwith them what's going on, right
?
And they'll test.
They'll throw out little things.
See how you respond to that.
They'll throw out somethingelse.
See how you respond to that.
But you don't want to try tosave this person, right?
(26:45):
Because again, for them, thatmeans that they're weak, that
means that they're not able todo it by themselves, right?
It's going to take a long timefor them to actually trust you.
Again, trust is one of thethings that they're going to
struggle with.
But you have to establish asense of security for a long
period of time before they canget to open up.
And I want to make this pointtoo, is that if you have someone
(27:07):
who is avoidantly attached inyour life, your goal is not to
help them start to be morevulnerable and be more trusting.
Okay, I think this is veryimportant.
So if you have a secureattachment style or anxiously
attached, or even for those whoare disorganized, again it's
going to be very limited theirability to relate.
But if you are securelyattached or anxiously attached,
(27:32):
your goal is not to change theavoidance attachment style.
Your goal is just to be presentwith them and to do that over a
long period of time.
That's your goal.
Just be a friend.
That's it right.
They will make the decisionthemselves when they feel that
(27:52):
you have proven yourself in asense.
I know it's hard to hear becauseyou're like you may have been
trying for a long time and youdon't see any change.
Well, you're focusing on thewrong thing.
You're focusing on I want tohelp them change and become more
secure, when that shouldn't bethe goal.
The goal is for you to bepresent with them and let them
get to that point themselveswhen they start to see man, when
(28:14):
I've been going through stufflike this person's always been
here, like this is verysignificant for me, and again
they're going to start testingthe waters and maybe share a
little bit.
Maybe you see a little bit ofvulnerability at some point and
again just stay there, listen,be present and hopefully, with
time again they start to realizewell, you know, maybe not
(28:34):
everyone is bad.
This person at least has shownme that they are trustworthy,
right.
And then the more examples theyhave of that in their life, the
better it is for them, okay.
So they also fear losingindependence, leading to
maintaining emotional walls,right.
So I think I've kind ofreferenced that earlier as one
(28:56):
of the examples in thedismissive or avoidant
attachment style.
And, lastly, challenges inexpressing needs or addressing
relationship issues.
They don't see their needs assomething that needs to be met
by someone else, right.
They see their needs assomething that they need to
carry out themselves.
That's what they want, right.
So if they want a job, they seethat as a need.
(29:17):
They go out and find a way toget that job.
They want a relationship.
They're going to pursue arelationship and find a way to
get the relationship in the waythat they want right, and if
it's not what they want, thenthey'll go ahead and just let it
be right.
But also, even when they're in arelationship, they don't want
to address the issues right.
They may not talk about, wantto talk about emotions because
they don't have language for it,so they'll avoid those
(29:40):
discussions.
Or they may feel like there'sno problem at all because if
we're not addressing things,we're just kind of living life
the way I've always lived it,where I'm not addressing issues,
I'm just doing what needs to bedone and I'm seeing great
success from it, as opposed tothe anxiously attached
individual who's going to seeproblems with that and they're
going to want to address issues.
(30:00):
They may want to address toomany issues at once, which can
be overwhelming for the avoidantattachment style.
So the avoidant attachmentstyle faces this challenge of
expressing their needs oraddressing issues in the
relationship Common, commonissues in relationships.
(30:23):
Now what can they do to developa secure attachment style?
So if you're listening right now, hopefully this is all making
sense and you know, you see itin yourself where you notice
that you pull away from peoplewho are trying to get close to
you.
You notice that you don't liketo address problems or issues in
relationships.
(30:44):
You notice that you are capableand competent and have done
things on your own for a verylong time.
And why would you need someoneelse?
Right?
But the reality is that Godcreated us for relationships
with him and then with eachother, right?
(31:04):
If we go back to the Garden ofEden, the first relationship
that Adam had was hisrelationship with God.
Then God saw that man was aloneand that it was not good, and
he created Eve.
So then he made Eve for Adam.
So now he made them arelationship for them.
Okay, so then he made Eve forAdam.
So now he made them arelationship for them.
Okay, so God, even in his verybeing as the Trinity, as God,
(31:26):
the father, god, the son, god,the Holy Spirit is a
relationship, is a community,right?
So we, because we bear theimage of God, we need
relationships, right?
So if you, as an avoidant, arelistening to this episode, right
, we don't want to fall into theline of thinking that you don't
need relationships, but we canstart breaking through that
barrier little by little, justtrying to find one person.
(31:46):
Okay, try to think of oneperson who has shown consistent
present behavior in your life,and it could be anyone.
It could be a parent, it couldbe a sibling, it could be a best
friend, it could be a romanticpartner Anyone, right?
Someone from church, a leader,a mentor, right?
Someone that has shownconsistent behaviors in being
(32:10):
there for you, who's alwaysthere, you know when things are
wrong even, and they're just,they're willing to listen, even
if you're not willing to share,right?
Try to find that person Iguarantee you have at least one
and then just slowly starttesting the waters with that
person.
You're going to feeluncomfortable.
(32:33):
One of the practices to becomemore securely attached that
you're going to want to do is anemotional regulation technique,
which is to manage that fear orthat anxiety in sharing with
other people effectively, right?
So when you think about sharingwith someone, you got to
picture it.
Okay, me sharing somethingvulnerable with someone else.
Who do I choose?
And again, just make sure thatthat person has been
(32:54):
consistently present in yourlife and test out the waters
with that person.
Been consistently present inyour life and test out the
waters with that person, okay,manage the anxiety or the fear
that you have of becoming weakor being seen as weak when you
share your emotions.
You really have to change yourview of yourself, right that
being vulnerable or sharing youremotions does not equate to
(33:14):
being weak?
Okay, does not equate to beingweak, okay.
Being open and honest withsomeone else about a weakness is
not something that they'regoing to use against you.
Again, if you choose the rightperson okay, someone who's been
consistently present in yourlife Then you want to broaden
your emotional language.
(33:35):
Right, for those who areavoidantly attached, they
usually don't have a broad rangeof emotional expression.
Maybe the only ones that theyhave may be anger.
Okay, it can be anger, it maybe.
I'm trying to think of whatother feelings an avoidant may
(33:57):
experience when they're gettingclose to people.
They do experience some levelsof anxiety because they don't
want to share anything deep.
They want to draw that linevery close to themselves so that
they don't share too much thatthe emotion can be used against
them.
So they're not going to have alot of language.
(34:18):
So one of the things that Iencourage you to do is to kind
of gather or gather.
Download the PDF file of theemotions wheel and see how many
emotions you come up for anger,for fear, for surprise, for
happiness, for joy, right?
See how many positive emotionsyou can describe, and I think
that's going to be a good startfor you, right?
(34:38):
How many positive emotions canyou describe?
Happiness, joy, glee, playful,hopeful, all of these different
things that can be attributed topositive emotions.
So use that, okay.
Addressing past wounds that haveimpacted your attachment style.
So, for those who areavoidantly attached right, the
(35:00):
past wound is no one's ever beenthere for me.
My needs were never met, so Ihad to learn how to meet my own
needs, right, so we got to goback to childhood.
Go back, obviously, you do thisin counseling.
I wouldn't recommend doing thatwith a friend.
You know a hum, so you can testthe waters out with that single
person that you have in yourmind, the one that you deem as
(35:22):
trustworthy, and try sharingwith them, and that can help a
little bit.
But, yes, addressing past woundsthat have impacted your
attachment style.
And, you know, secure baseexploration, which is what I
would call here, which isrevisiting past experiences to
reframe beliefs aboutrelationships and closeness.
Again, your language aroundrelationships, your
(35:45):
understanding of relationships,would need to change.
Okay, so you got to go back tothose past experiences and
instead of saying, you know,people aren't trustworthy or all
people aren't trustworthybecause maybe your parents
weren't trustworthy trustworthyor they weren't able to meet
your needs, maybe there wasnever enough money or enough
food or enough clothes, enoughof you know emotional presence
(36:05):
themselves, right, them beingthere for you because they were
always working, like all ofthose things communicated
something to you at that time.
But we could reframe thosebeliefs, right?
You go back and say you knowwhat my parents did, the best
that they could.
Back and say you know what myparents did the best that they
could.
And even though they did thebest that they could, that
doesn't mean that people don'twant to be close to me, right?
(36:26):
Or that doesn't mean thateveryone else is unable to meet
my needs, right?
Something as simple as that,reframing that experience.
Okay, so those are somepractices that you can do.
Now, what does this all have todo with God attachment?
Well, now we start to see thatthese relationships have
(36:50):
developed so strongly that now,when we think about our
relationship with God, what aresome of the things that you're
going to start to think aboutyour relationship with God?
So, typically, the avoidant isgoing to be very logical in his
faith.
Right, they're going to knowthings about God.
They're going to know how toexplain God, have a really good,
(37:11):
sound theology, but they don'thave any actual relationship
with God.
Why?
Because they're unable to bevulnerable with God.
They would frame it this wayGod knows what I'm going through
and he'll meet that need atsome point, right?
No, and again, they won't evenshare this in their prayer.
They may not even pray.
You know, I'm not saying allavoidance, don't pray.
(37:33):
What I'm saying is that prayeris an emotional conversation
that we have with God aboutwhere we are in our lives.
Right, and for an avoidant,that may be difficult.
For them, you know where theyshare what they're experiencing
and they may see God as seeingthem as whiny.
(37:55):
Right, they say why am I goingto share this with God?
Like God already knows what I'mgoing through, he probably just
sees me as some whiny baby if Istart sharing these things.
Right Again, and that isreflective of how they view
themselves or how they viewother people.
Right, if someone is sharingsomething that they're going
through and it's emotionallydraining or has been painful,
(38:15):
they might say well, you know,that's life.
That's how life is, you know.
Tough it up and get back to it,right?
So they then transfer thatcommunication style over to God
and think that God views them inthe same way.
So if I become vulnerable withGod, the avoidant thinks if I
become vulnerable with God, he'sprobably just going to think
I'm a big baby, you know.
He's going to tell me, like youknow, I should be strong and
(38:39):
courageous and move forward and,you know, take care of business
, right?
So even with the use ofscripture, they'll use it to
kind of twist the idea of notbeing vulnerable with God, right
?
So that's one aspect of it.
They also may just minimizetheir pain, right?
(39:00):
You know there's other people.
Here's a classic one that anavoider may use.
People in the Bible sufferedmuch more than what I've
suffered.
Why am I whining about this?
Right, and that makes a lot ofsense for them.
Why am I whining about this?
God's probably looking at thosemartyrs, people who lost their
(39:23):
lives, at the disciples who gavetheir lives for Jesus and they
died horrible deaths.
And here I am whining aboutsomeone who wasn't able to meet
my needs, and it was just my mom, or it was just my dad, or it
was just this friend or thisgirl that broke up with me or
this guy that broke up with me,like all these things that we
start to think about and weminimize those things.
(39:46):
Right, and they'll see it aswell.
You know, other people havesuffered greater things than I
have.
I don't have nothing tocomplain about, right.
So there's no need in theireyes to come to God with any
concerns or issues or problemsor vulnerabilities, because God
knows and other people havesuffered more.
(40:07):
So that is kind of the languagethat the avoidantly attached
individual is using to describetheir relationship with God.
They will distance themselveswhen they're going through pain.
They won't draw relationshipwith God.
Okay, they will distancethemselves when they're going
through pain.
They won't draw close to God.
God doesn't want to see meright now.
You know I'm not in a good spot, so why even come closer to God
(40:29):
?
I don't want to, I don't needto, or he probably doesn't want
me to right the belief thatothers cannot be trusted If I
share this with God.
What if I share this with Godand he brings some sort of trial
on my life?
I don't want that.
So I'd rather keep this tomyself, right?
Or again, like going back to theidea of being able to express
their needs or addressing issues.
(40:51):
Again, god knows what I needand he'll provide it when the
time comes.
So they'll go through this timeof suffering and they'll
explain it away, as God knowswhat I need and maybe I don't
deserve it right now.
So I got to earn it right, Igot to do good.
And they start performing andthey start, you know, continuing
to do good and because they seeall of the success that they're
(41:11):
having, they see that as Godblessing them right.
So there's no need for me to beexpressing my needs to God,
because I'm already providing itfor myself and the Lord has
been good.
And when the Lord is not goodquote unquote they see it as
their failure.
They say, well, I messed up, Imust have done something wrong,
so God's probably punishing mewith this.
(41:34):
So anything that moves them awayfrom becoming closer and more
emotionally expressive andintimate with God, they will
avoid.
So it's a lot.
It's a lot that the avoidantlyattached individual will
experience.
If this is you, you know.
(41:55):
Hopefully this has been helpfuland that you know shed some
light on how you can start tomove into a more secure
relationship with other peopleand relationship with God For
those who are anxiously attachedor securely attached and you
have an avoidant, an avoidingattached person in your life.
Again, be present, be patientand be there for the long haul
(42:19):
right.
Be there for them.
Be that person that god can usein their lives to show them
that their needs matter and thatthey do have value in your life
.
I hope this was of anencouragement to you guys.
Next time I'm going to talkabout the disorganized
attachment style and then I'llwrap it up with the final
(42:40):
episode on how this can berelated to our relationship with
God and how we can grow in ourrelationship with Christ.
Thanks, guys, I will see younext time.
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