October 22, 2025 • 36 mins
Send Me Questions on Attachment
Trauma can overwhelm the body and bend the story you tell about your life—but the way you name it and narrate it can open the door to real healing. We dig into what counts as Big T trauma under the DSM and what small t trauma looks like when chronic stress, relational wounds, and identity hits slowly rewire your nervous system. From hypervigilance and sleepless nights to emotional numbness and CPTSD, we unpack how pain shows up in your body, shapes your attachment style, and impacts the way you connect with others.
I share why language matters: when everything becomes “trauma,” the word loses precision and you risk building your identity around wounds instead of growth. Therapy provides a model of safety and attunement, but it’s not a script your friends must follow. Instead, use counseling to learn what healthy feels like, then seek relationships that reflect those patterns. We also talk about the body’s memory, co‑regulation, and the slow, consistent practices that help rewire your system—routines, boundaries, and steady support that teaches your brain you are safe.
As a person of faith, I explore how early attachment shapes your view of God and how betrayal by authority can distort your God concept and God image. We walk through practical spiritual rhythms—prayer, the Psalms, and grounded Christian community—that bear burdens and restore trust. The heart of this conversation is a challenge: retell your story around what you learned, how you healed, and the hope you’re building. When you emphasize growth and redemption, you change what your mind rehearses and what your body expects.
If this resonates, follow the show, share it with someone who needs language for their healing, and leave a review with one takeaway you’re putting into practice this week. Your story can move from wounds to wisdom—let’s walk that path together.
FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM:
@godattachmenthealing
FOLLOW ME ON FACEBOOK:
God Attachment Healing
MY HOPE FOR YOU
I hope these episodes bring you closer to Christ and encourage you in your walk with Him. Meditating on Scripture, Being committed to prayer, and Seeking Christian community are all essential to helping us learn more of who He is and who He made us to be.
ABOUT ME 👇
I have been a Christ-follower for the last 20+ years of my life, and have seen the Lord's grace, strength, and faithfulness through it all. He led me to pursue a degree in higher education and has given me a gift for the field of counseling.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:05):
Alright everyone, welcome back to the God
Attachment Healing Podcast.
Sam Landley here, uh gettingclose to episode 100.
I have a couple of interviewslined up, ready to talk about
actually something I'm gonnastart today, which is a series
on trauma.
It's a short series, uh, mostlyjust gonna be these two
episodes.
So today I'm gonna do anintroduction to um what trauma
(00:29):
is, what it isn't, and evendiscuss a little bit about how
culture has shaped the languagearound it, and of course, always
including this element ofattachment and how that plays a
role in our view of trauma.
So I'm really looking forward tosharing this with you guys.
It's been um it's been a longtime coming.
I mean, uh, I can't even uh tellyou guys how excited I am to be
(00:53):
so close to episode 100.
I know I've probably beenmentioning this for the last
couple of episodes.
I've had uh a couple of breaksin between these uh episodes,
and a lot of that just has to dowith me finishing up my school,
my dissertation, and thankfullyI'm at the uh tail end of that.
So I'm excited also to be donewith that.
Hopefully, what I'm planning todo is make that announcement for
(01:17):
episode 100.
So I have something reallyspecial um planned for episode
100.
I'm gonna go back, I'm going tolook at all of the clips, all of
my favorite clips from some ofthe episodes of the past,
because this was like six yearsago, five years ago.
And um, yeah, so I'm just gonnasay what that meant to me, uh,
(01:38):
share a little bit about alittle bit more about what I've
learned since that time aboutthose particular topics.
Uh, so it's gonna be a good one.
Uh I'm excited to share thatwith you.
So look out for episode 100.
Hopefully, I make two bigannouncements.
One of them is hopefully by thenI'll be Dr.
Sam Landa, which will beexciting.
And then the second thing willbe just where I plan to take the
(02:01):
podcast.
I mean, after episode 100,really, when I first started,
that was that was my goal tojust hit 100 episodes and know
that I did it.
But now I'm starting to thinkabout this more in a more
business type way.
Um, I know it's you know, it'san interesting thing because it
started off as something that Ienjoyed doing.
(02:22):
I wanted to become veryproficient and knowledgeable
about attachment.
So doing these episodes,learning from all of these
experts in their fields, um,it's really obviously informed
my view of attachment and myview of all these mental health
issues.
So I think obviously the podcastfor me has been a huge blessing
(02:43):
and a huge way for me to learnabout all these different
topics.
And I hope that it's done thesame for you.
And um that you have learned alot from it.
And my hope is that I'm able toprovide a service from this.
So as you guys have beenlearning and kind of as you see
the new direction of theepisodes of the podcast, um,
(03:05):
that it really informs you sothat it can start really maybe
shaping a lot of the way thatyou do life and your own
understanding of attachment andyour standing of trauma, shame.
You know, those are really thethree topics that I'm going to
be focusing on moving forward.
And um, I mean, it's really beenthe main point of this podcast
as well.
(03:26):
But, you know, when there's whenthere's different people that
you're interviewing, you try toorient a conversation around
their expertise as well.
So again, I'm learning from myguests as much as uh you guys
are.
And um yeah, it's it's gonna beexciting.
So uh be on the lookout forthat.
Just a couple more episodes.
I think it's like three.
(03:46):
This is should be episode 97, Ithink.
Either way, it doesn't matter.
We're getting close, and I'mexcited for that.
So let's go ahead and jump intotoday's topic on trauma, trauma,
faith, and recovery.
So this is part one.
Next week I have a guest on whois an expert in uh working with
(04:09):
trauma, and she has her ownpractice, and I'll I'll
introduce her uh next week.
But uh this is this will be partone, that will be part two, and
I think you will enjoy both bothconversations.
So uh yeah, let's go ahead andjump into this.
So the word trauma is reallythrown around a lot, um, and I
say that because I think thereis this narrative around trauma
(04:36):
that maybe has created somelevels of unhealth, maybe more
unhealthiness in some people.
In some ways, I understandbecause the the culture um has
fed into that.
And we also have a lot ofexposure to different forms of
trauma.
Okay, so before jumping intothat, I will get into that in a
(04:56):
little bit.
When we hear the word trauma,typically we think about these
catastrophic events, you know,major issues, major concerns,
wars, accidents, accidents,abuse, all of these different
things, right?
And it's important for us toreally have a clear
understanding, though, of whattrauma is.
So one of the things that I'mgoing to distinguish here is big
T trauma, which is thedefinition I'm going to give in
(05:19):
a little bit, and then small Ttrauma, which has to do more so
with identity and meaning andmessaging and all of these
different things.
So uh the DSM defines trauma asexposure to actual or threatened
death, serious injury or sexualviolation.
(05:40):
Okay, again, so it definestrauma, the DSM 5 defines trauma
as exposure to actual orthreatened death, serious
injury, or sexual violation,right?
So if you haven't experiencedthose things, then it could fall
(06:00):
into the place of small Ttrauma.
Again, and I'll get into that ina little bit.
But when we talk about trauma,most people, here's what they
what they think about thesecatastrophic events, right, that
involve death, injury, or sexualviolation.
But you know, sometimes here'swhere we really get confused
that all obviously thesesituations that I just mentioned
(06:22):
cause significant levels ofstress, uh, significant levels
of pain and injury and evenemotional disturbance.
Now, these are the serious typesor forms of trauma.
But today, it sounds even thoughwe sometimes say flippantly, and
I say we meaning the culturesays it kind of flippantly and
(06:46):
likes to use the word trauma, weoften use that for stressful
experiences in our lives that donot meet the standards that I
just mentioned here with deathinjury, sexual violation.
Right.
So that's what I mean by peoplekind of overusing the word and
maybe even using it soflippantly that it doesn't
(07:06):
really carry the same meaningthat it did uh before, right?
Now it doesn't mean that youhaven't experienced trauma um if
you didn't have uh an actual orthreatened death or a serious
injury or sexual violation, butit does help us kind of set the
stage for what that can actuallylook like.
For example, if you go through abreakup, if you lose a job, if
(07:29):
you face academicdisappointment, right?
Anything that feels reallyheavy, but it doesn't really
meet the clinical definition andthreshold of trauma, right?
So, in other words, a way tokind of look at this is that
trauma really isn't just aboutthe pain itself, but it's really
of how much it overwhelms thenervous system, right?
(07:51):
Because that is essentially whatgets changed throughout these
different experiences, right?
The nervous system gets floodedwith the shock of the situation.
Again, so not just the clinicalterm for trauma, but now we move
into small tea trauma, wherewhen in your life has there been
a time where you've experiencedoverwhelm?
(08:14):
And that could be through abreakup, it could be through a
loss of job, it could be throughfailing out of school, it could
be through um loss of identity,right?
So all of these things can beconsidered small tea trauma if
it overwhelms the nervoussystem.
For example, when people gothrough a breakup, it's really
interesting where they start tolose sleep, right?
(08:34):
So, in order to be able to copewith the breakup, they start
overthinking and they startquestioning, you know, what
could I have done differently?
What could I have done better?
They may start looking atthemselves like, Am I really who
I I think I am?
Do I need to change the way thatI've been for the longest time?
(08:56):
So they go through this wholeidentity crisis, right?
So they start losing sleep, theystart not paying attention to
their friendships andrelationships, they start
isolating themselves.
So all of these small behaviors,right, that seem small, really
start to take a toll on thenerve on the nervous system, on
the body.
And then when that becomesrepetitive and it becomes
(09:20):
consistent, and it happens overa long period of time, then you
can start to say that nowthey're experiencing these small
tea trauma, right?
Where identity, meaning, whothey are as a person starts to
shift in a significant way.
So it's pain persistingthroughout that time.
(09:42):
So that is what we would referto as small tea trauma.
Okay, so we have our definitionof what big T trauma is and what
small T trauma is, right?
So when we look at these things,some of the ways in which this
can manifest itself regardingmental health conditions, right?
We know most people, again, whenwe talk about trauma, know PTSD.
(10:02):
Uh, we also have complex PTSD.
So complex PTSD, also known asCPTSD, usually stems from
long-term relational trauma.
So this can include physical,verbal, emotional abuse, and
sexual abuse, right?
It's long-term.
It really starts to take a tollon the person's life and it
(10:23):
shapes their identity.
We also have what known what areknown as dissociative disorders,
right?
Where someone detachesthemselves from their own
thoughts, memories, or identity.
And then we also have anxietyand depression.
These often co-occur withtraumatic experiences.
Um, and remember, all of thesethings, not only do they affect
the nervous system, but theyreshape the brain.
(10:44):
I mean, there's a lot ofresearch on how these
significant events, traumaticevents, reshape the brain.
They create new pathways, newsystems because the shock is so
strong that it needs to find away to survive.
Again, if we look at the big Ttrauma, usually that shock
happens in the moment.
It's instant and it's felt rightaway, right?
(11:06):
You have flashbacks, you havenightmares, you have physical
sensations, sweating, um,nervousness, all of that because
of the shock of that big Ttrauma.
With small T trauma, it takes alot of time where slowly the
understanding of how it'sactually affecting you starts to
take a toll.
So you start losing sleep, youstart questioning your identity,
(11:28):
who you are, and even your way,the way in which you attach and
connect with other people startsto change.
So research shows thatfrequently uh trauma frequently
underlies mood and anxietydisorders.
So now that we know what kind ofdisorders stem from trauma,
let's look at some of the waysin which this shows up in the
lives of people.
(11:48):
So, usually what you'll seetrauma do is that it does affect
the body and it does affect themind, and both of those affect
how we behave in relationships.
So, one of the characteristicsor one of the ways in which this
shows up in the lives of peopleis that someone may be
constantly on edge, right?
Uh, trauma really does have thisimpact where it makes you
(12:11):
extremely cautious,hyper-vigilant of the world
around you, right?
Everything that you do is aboutscanning for danger.
So if let's look at a big Ttrauma instance.
So if you were in a car accidentand you broke a bone and you had
to go to the hospital and youwent through this, you know,
long rehab process to getbetter, it would be natural for
(12:37):
you to, when you get back on theroad driving again, for you to
be scanning for danger at alltimes because you don't want to
be in another accident likethat, right?
So you would be looking uhalmost hyper-vigilant of all the
cars around you where it maymake you lose focus from what
you're actually trying to do,which is drive safely on the
road, right?
So it makes people be on edge.
(13:00):
Now that's that's from aperspective of driving, right?
Something that you are doingthat's task-oriented.
But what about relationally?
Same thing.
Someone who has experiencedcomplex PTSD.
So relational trauma is someonewho's always going to be
scanning for danger within therelationship.
Again, you have the anxiousattachment style, you have the
(13:22):
avoidant attachment style.
You typically, in this type ofcase, when trauma is involved,
you're typically talking about afearful avoidant, which is the
disorganized attachment style.
So this is the person who isscanning for danger within the
relationship.
They overanalyze every singleinteraction, anything that seems
to feel like a disconnect, arupture in the relationship,
(13:44):
they're going to overthink itand they're going to start to
seek connection in a way that isunhealthy, right?
So they may become uh overlyjealous or clingy of the other
person to the point whereeverything that they do is
questioned.
Or they may do the opposite,where because they don't want to
engage in that, they maycompletely pull back and not
(14:05):
engage at all.
I'd rather not be hurt, so I'mjust gonna pull back and let's
see if the person is able toturn to me and bring me comfort
and safety that I need, right?
So there's this effect of traumaof putting a person in this mode
of scanning for danger, right?
Additionally, we also seedifficulty in sleeping, or they
(14:28):
can also be easily triggered bysounds or smells.
Again, usually these things areassociated to the big T trauma,
but again, when you'veexperienced something
consistently for a long periodof time, you can also develop
these very same symptoms.
Emotional numbness is anotherone, disconnecting in
relationships, the inability tofeel good or negative emotions,
(14:53):
this emotional silence, if wecan put it that way.
You don't feel anything, nothinggood, nothing bad, just blah.
And again, it is better to shutdown those emotions than to feel
anything, and that's the effectthat trauma has on people.
Other things can be chronicpain, exhaustion that may have
(15:16):
no medical explanation.
You know, um, Dr.
Bessel Vanderkook, he's mostlyknown for this book up here.
I think you can see it, right?
Um, Body Keeps the Score, hetalks about um and really tries
to explain that trauma doesn'tjust go away, right?
It really does get lodged intothe nervous system.
(15:37):
He talks about this conceptabout how our bodies hold these
stories.
Your body remembers everythingthat happens to it.
So whether that be a big Ttrauma or small T trauma, the
body remembers.
I remember speaking, I don'tknow if this was with um another
colleague of mine who was anattachment expert expert as
(16:00):
well.
Um, but kind of we we discussedthis idea of uh attachment is
really about two nervous systemswanting to find a way to
co-regulate.
And that's hard to do when oneor both of them have experienced
trauma.
In a relational context, usuallywe're referring to small T
(16:21):
trauma, so we're usuallyreferring to complex CP PTSD.
So the body is going to remembercertain things.
And I often use this example ofif you had a partner who cheated
on you, right?
And they were very kind of um,they're with their phone and
they would hide their phone fromyou, and they kind of kept
things to the side and wouldn'tlet you know what's going on.
(16:43):
Your body, let's say youeventually found out that they
were cheating, and you start toquestion at all times, you know,
in your new relationship, whenthey do something similar to
that, your body remembers thatjust feels it.
Even though the person may nothave given you any reason to
doubt them, you start to kind offeel like, oh, this is this is
(17:04):
weird.
Like, why am I being soskeptical about what he or she
is saying right now?
This this doesn't feel right,something feels off, right?
So that's kind of the bodyreminding you of, hey, you
remember what this was when thishappened to you?
You better pay attention.
You don't want to get hurtagain, do you?
So the body becomes hyper-rousedby these different behaviors.
If you're driving in a car andyou are a passenger, and the
(17:29):
person who's driving is kind ofswerving through the road, that
might remind you of a time whenuh the part of your accident was
that someone swerved into you,right?
So you're super tense and youruh vigilance of every all your
surroundings, and you probablyeven tell the driver to slow
down and to maybe change the waythey're driving, right?
So these are just some of theways in which it can show up in
(17:52):
relationships and in everydaylife.
So the nervous system reallydoes need to be rewired through
consistency, through efficiency,meaning something that works,
and through a long period oftime.
So, really, what trauma does isstarts to distort your reality,
whether that be in relationshipsor that be in everyday
(18:15):
activities or everyday life, itreally just shapes your mind
into scanning for dangers.
That's the probably the best wayto put it is that trauma has
this impact on you, on yourmind, on your nervous system,
that you now have to be in aposition to scan for danger in
order to avoid pain.
(18:37):
So now the big question for usis okay, well, because that's
happening, it would seem thateveryone, especially if we
include the relational traumacomponent, it would seem that
most, if not all, people haveexperienced some levels of
trauma.
And I would say, yeah, I I thinka lot of people have experienced
(18:59):
a form of relational trauma.
Okay.
Remember, it's ongoing, even ifit's small, right?
Small offenses that build upover time, but they're
consistent and they're ongoing,and it's for a long time, does
have an effect on how you viewyourself and how you view
others.
Again, we talk a little bitabout this in attachment theory,
which I've talked aboutextensively on the podcast.
(19:21):
So feel free to check out someof those other episodes, but you
really do or do put yourself inthis place where you have to
scan, scan for danger, right?
So trauma does have that effecton you.
So if everyone has experiencedtrauma or a lot of people have
experienced trauma, doeseveryone, is everyone still
dealing with trauma?
And I think maybe that's where Ihave the problem with that.
(19:43):
And not a problem in thatsomeone has experienced trauma,
but problem with people sayingthat the things that they've
gone through and that they usethe word trauma to describe
those specific things.
Okay, and here's what I mean bythat.
You've probably heard peoplesay, oh, that was traumatic, or
man, I my trauma really hasimpacted me a lot.
(20:06):
And I do a lot of story work,okay, a lot of narrative type of
therapy.
And one of the things that isimportant as what's the message
or what's the theme of your lifeas you share that story.
And what's happening today isthat a lot of people are
narrating their story with theword trauma.
(20:29):
Now, what I'm saying is that ifyou use the word trauma to
define your story, you willbehave in ways that kind of
reinforce that idea.
Okay.
Why do we use the word trauma?
Like, why do why do we say, uh,oh man, I well, I've really had
some some really bad trauma frommy past.
And you know, this is how wehave our conversations.
(20:50):
If it's in counseling, I thinkthat's different.
But when it's in relationshipsand friendships and and you kind
of describe your whole life uhon about trauma and all the
trauma that you've experienced,I think that starts to shape
your mind in such a way where welook for something from other
(21:12):
people.
And it's not compassion.
I think in some instances it isseeking attention because you
know, if you remember a coupleof years ago, there was a a time
where a lot of people on socialmedia were sharing like these
deepest, darkest traumas thatthey've experienced in their
(21:34):
lives.
And I remember thinking tomyself, I'm like, I don't know
if this is healthy.
They were sharing about theirabuse from a parent.
They were sharing about familyissues and family members that
traumatized them from some ofthe words that they they said to
(21:55):
them.
They were sharing a lot about,you know, it it wasn't even it
wasn't even, you know, thesemajor issues like um you know
sexual sexual abuse or anythinglike that.
But there were other things thatthey would be sharing that were
very personal.
And I I started thinking tomyself, I'm like, well, they're
sharing this on social media tonumerous people, I mean me
(22:18):
thousands or hundreds of peopleat least, um, about this this
really hard time in their life,and there's no safety there.
And as you know, withattachment, one of the things
that allows for people to bevulnerable is that they have a
safe haven, someone to go tothat will provide that safety
(22:42):
and comfort.
And you don't have that onsocial media.
Maybe you have that, you know,we have people saying, Oh, I'm
so sorry that happened to you.
I can't, you know, look at you,you've overcome so much, right?
So I think that those are thethings really that we're looking
for when we use the word trauma.
We're looking for thisaffirmation of our of our
(23:03):
stories, but it's done by peoplethat don't really know us,
right?
So it does feel good.
I'm not I'm not negating that.
It does feel good when someoneaffirms your story and things
that you've gone through.
That's why I said it when you goto if you're going to counseling
and you're having that languagewithin counseling, I think
that's fine because you arebeing tended to by someone who
is a professional and and isdoing good work.
(23:26):
But when we do that in ourfamilies, with our friends, in
our relationships, I think itstarts to paint a different
picture because we're expectingthe same type of response from
them that we're receiving from acounselor.
Okay.
And those people, those friends,those uh relationships and those
family members, they're notcounselors.
(23:48):
So if we go to counseling, weknow what healthy looks like,
and then we want to take thatsame model and expect for other
people to respond in the sameway, which can create actually
more pain.
I hope that's making sense.
The whole point of counseling isnot so that you can come away
(24:10):
with a new understanding so thatpeople can treat you
differently, but rather so youcan make decisions and you can
take steps towards healing thatwill help you grow from your own
traumatic experiences to seekout relationships that will also
(24:36):
help you grow.
The counseling relationship is amodel for you to know what to
look for in everyday life, it'snot a model for how you should
expect people to treat yououtside in real life.
I hope that makes sense.
Oftentimes people come tocounseling because they want
(24:58):
other people to change in theway that they treat them.
When really counseling is aboutthe change that you're going
through, which allows you tomake decisions and empowers you
to move towards healing in therelationships, in the situations
that you're in.
Now, as Christians, one of thehuge benefits that we have is
(25:22):
that we have not just ourrelationship with community,
church, family, friends,romantic relationships, spouses,
so on.
But we have a connection withGod.
He is our ultimate connection.
He is the person that we turn towhen no one else is around.
(25:42):
So when I talk about trauma andwhen I talk about the narrative
of trauma that you're creatingfor yourself outside of a
counseling relationship, I thinkit's really important that you
not use that word.
Okay, and again, for some of youguys who are listening to this,
you're like, this is probablybreaking down a lot of what I've
(26:06):
always thought.
Because you, Sam, what you'resaying is you don't think I
really experienced trauma.
And I just want to clarifyagain, I'm not saying that.
What I'm saying is that younarrating your story as
(26:26):
traumatic and seeing only thetrauma and not focusing on the
areas that you've grown in, Ithink that is what I'm pushing
back on.
That you rarely hear people whouse the word trauma talk about
how what they've learned andwhat they've grown through.
(26:48):
Right.
Now it's you might argue, well,how can I share with people what
I've how I've grown and whatI've learned if I don't tell
them about the trauma, right?
And I think that's a validpoint.
Yeah, I I I think that thatmakes sense to me.
But what I usually see is thatthe focus is on the trauma and
not on the growth.
Like, how did you from thatexperience grow closer to the
(27:10):
Lord?
What did that experience teachyou about relationships?
What did it teach you aboutboundaries?
What did it teach you abouthealthy attachments?
Right.
So we don't really focus onthese things, we focus on the
trauma.
Oh, I really went through thistraumatic experience, and you
know, yeah, my mom was likethis, and my dad was like this,
and this ex was you justtreating me.
They were so narcissistic, blah,blah, blah, this and that.
(27:31):
And um, you know, then my job,you know, my boss, my this.
So that's the story.
That's the story that peoplekeep on repeating.
So it brings on this sense ofsympathy uh from other people or
this attention, and it doesn'tallow for other people to learn
from that growth.
So I hope what you're hearingfrom what I'm about to share
(27:55):
right now is that for you tofocus on what you're learning,
right?
Kind of orienting your story tothe positive.
What have you learned?
How have you grown?
And if you focus on that, yourstory is gonna sound so much
different than it just being oneof trauma.
It's gonna sound so muchdifferent.
(28:16):
It's gonna sound more ofredemption, provide more
opportunity for maybe evensharing the gospel of how the
Lord has brought you throughthat time, how a close friend or
family has stuck with youthroughout those difficult
times, right?
So you focus on the positive onwhat you learned and what the
Lord has taught you and whereyou are today, not on the
(28:37):
trauma.
Okay, so I really want to makesure that that's clear today.
That I'm not minimizing trauma,whether it be big T trauma or
small T trauma.
What I'm saying is as you'renarrating your story, that you
focus on what you've beenlearning throughout the process.
And if you start highlightingthat, I think that is really
(28:58):
gonna help you grow even more.
Now, trauma shapes our view notonly of ourselves, of other
people, and ultimately our viewof God, right?
Our early attachments, the waythat we bond with our parents or
caregivers, shape how we relateto others, and it's gonna shape
how we relate to God.
And when we talk about small tetrauma, usually those offenses
(29:22):
happen within relationships,which is gonna make us more
aware of the types ofrelationships that we enter.
And again, we're gonna bescanning for danger.
And even with God, whensomething bad happens, what do
some people, some Christians,uh, might say, um, Lord, where
were you in all of this?
Like, why did you allow this tohappen?
(29:44):
Like, if you're, you know, I'vebeen obedient, I've I've loved
you all this time, and why didyou allow this to happen?
Right?
You start to feel unseen andmaybe start to see God as
distant, right?
If you're hurt by someone whowas an authority.
In the church, you might projectthat mistrust onto God.
(30:05):
And right, this is a big part ofkind of our uh our God concept,
the way that we think about Godis influenced by our
interactions with people,especially specifically people
who claim faith, right?
It's usually people who are inauthority or authority figures
(30:25):
within the church, right?
So if they do something thatcontradicts the word of God, in
our minds we change, we change,uh, we start to shift in our
understanding of God.
So our God concept starts tochange.
Well, maybe God's not reallyfaithful, or maybe he doesn't
really love me.
He doesn't really want toprotect me, right?
And then there's another part,which I've talked about before
(30:47):
too, the God image, which is howwe feel about God, that starts
to change too, because now wefeel this anger and distrust and
um yeah, even disappointmentwith people within the church.
So now we start to see God kindof in the same way.
It's like, Lord, well, I don'tlike this feeling, right?
(31:07):
And if we're very um emotionallydriven, you're gonna go by that.
I don't like this feeling.
So the only way to avoid that toremove that feeling is to avoid
it, right?
So, yes, trauma is is rampant,and I do see it in the lives of
many people, right?
Many people have experienced itat some point in their lives.
(31:30):
Um, the more recent, obviously,the stronger it's gonna feel,
the more you're gonna see a lotof these symptoms that I
discussed early on.
And the farther back it is,maybe you don't feel it as much,
or maybe you're just nowstarting to process it because
it's starting to show up in yourrelationships.
You weren't even aware of it,and then someone does something
in a relationship and ittriggers you, and you're like,
whoa, where's this coming from?
(31:52):
Right?
So maybe you're just nowbecoming aware of it.
So, what I hope that I'm able toleave you with is that don't
define your life by thosetraumatic events.
Start to talk about yourrealization, maybe, of it in
your life and how you want towork through it.
(32:12):
Like, what do you want to see atthe end of your healing journey?
Right?
How is God going to heal youfrom this wound that you had
growing up?
Right, because he does play arole in it.
We talk often a lot of becausethese things happen in
relationships, it's not just thebody, it's not just the mind,
(32:35):
it's not just the emotions thatget hurt, the soul gets hurt,
right?
Our spirits get weary because ofwhat we've experienced in
relationships, right?
So, how do we invite God intothat to allow him to do a work
in our lives?
Well, one of the ways in whichwe do that, we do that through
(32:57):
prayer.
We seek God, we rely on himheavily.
I mean, think of just the littlebaby child who fully depends on
the mother, just fulldependence.
That is how we need to be whenwe have been hurt by other
(33:22):
people.
Just Lord, this is a shock tome.
I can't believe that thishappened.
Where am I gonna turn, right?
What I classically call thePeter moment, right?
When Jesus was having doing allthese miracles and he was
healing people, and he fed thepeople, and all the people that
were following him, they wantedto see more.
(33:43):
And when Jesus didn't, theyended up leaving, right?
And uh then Jesus turns to hisdisciples and he says, you know,
will you guys leave me as well?
And then one of the best quotesthat Peter has ever stated in
Scripture, where he says, Lord,where do we go?
Where do we go?
(34:03):
You have the words of eternallife, right?
The best possible response.
And I I call that Peter momentin the lives of many of us, many
Christians, where if you don'tknow God, you're gonna turn to
things that are not good foryou.
You're gonna turn to vices,addictions, um, turn to
unhealthy people, unhealthyhabits, right?
(34:26):
So if you don't know Christ,you're gonna turn to things that
bring provide a sense of relief,a sense of disconnect, um, a
sense of numbness, right?
So we seek God because we wantfor him to heal us.
So we do that through prayer, wedo it through reading his word,
(34:47):
read his word, read through thepsalms.
If anything, that's actually agood, great place to start.
If you're experiencing any typeof emotional pain, just start
reading through the Psalms, readthem out loud, and you're gonna
see how helpful that is for you.
Right?
So seek God out through prayer,seek him out in his word, and
(35:11):
and as I always say too, seekhim out in the Christian
community.
The Lord uses the church, theLord uses other believers, our
brothers and sisters in Christ,to bear our burdens together, as
it says in Galatians 6 2.
We bear each other's burdens,and in so doing, we fulfill the
(35:33):
law of Christ.
So the takeaway is when younarrate your story, narrate the
things that God is teaching youalong the way, and your story is
gonna come out very differentthan if you focus only on the
traumatic event.
(35:54):
This was a tough one to sharewith you guys today, but I think
it I think I communicatedclearly what I wanted to say
about trauma, and I hope thatit's a blessing for you.
And next week we'll talk evenmore about what this actually
looks like and how to findhealing through that as well.
(36:15):
Guys, thank you so much fortuning in again.
Um, I hope that this is ablessing, and I will talk to you
guys next week.
Take care.
Alright everyone, welcome back to the God
Attachment Healing Podcast.
Sam Landley here, uh gettingclose to episode 100.
I have a couple of interviewslined up, ready to talk about
actually something I'm gonnastart today, which is a series
on trauma.
It's a short series, uh, mostlyjust gonna be these two
episodes.
So today I'm gonna do anintroduction to um what trauma
(00:29):
is, what it isn't, and evendiscuss a little bit about how
culture has shaped the languagearound it, and of course, always
including this element ofattachment and how that plays a
role in our view of trauma.
So I'm really looking forward tosharing this with you guys.
It's been um it's been a longtime coming.
I mean, uh, I can't even uh tellyou guys how excited I am to be
(00:53):
so close to episode 100.
I know I've probably beenmentioning this for the last
couple of episodes.
I've had uh a couple of breaksin between these uh episodes,
and a lot of that just has to dowith me finishing up my school,
my dissertation, and thankfullyI'm at the uh tail end of that.
So I'm excited also to be donewith that.
Hopefully, what I'm planning todo is make that announcement for
(01:17):
episode 100.
So I have something reallyspecial um planned for episode
100.
I'm gonna go back, I'm going tolook at all of the clips, all of
my favorite clips from some ofthe episodes of the past,
because this was like six yearsago, five years ago.
And um, yeah, so I'm just gonnasay what that meant to me, uh,
(01:38):
share a little bit about alittle bit more about what I've
learned since that time aboutthose particular topics.
Uh, so it's gonna be a good one.
Uh I'm excited to share thatwith you.
So look out for episode 100.
Hopefully, I make two bigannouncements.
One of them is hopefully by thenI'll be Dr.
Sam Landa, which will beexciting.
And then the second thing willbe just where I plan to take the
(02:01):
podcast.
I mean, after episode 100,really, when I first started,
that was that was my goal tojust hit 100 episodes and know
that I did it.
But now I'm starting to thinkabout this more in a more
business type way.
Um, I know it's you know, it'san interesting thing because it
started off as something that Ienjoyed doing.
(02:22):
I wanted to become veryproficient and knowledgeable
about attachment.
So doing these episodes,learning from all of these
experts in their fields, um,it's really obviously informed
my view of attachment and myview of all these mental health
issues.
So I think obviously the podcastfor me has been a huge blessing
(02:43):
and a huge way for me to learnabout all these different
topics.
And I hope that it's done thesame for you.
And um that you have learned alot from it.
And my hope is that I'm able toprovide a service from this.
So as you guys have beenlearning and kind of as you see
the new direction of theepisodes of the podcast, um,
(03:05):
that it really informs you sothat it can start really maybe
shaping a lot of the way thatyou do life and your own
understanding of attachment andyour standing of trauma, shame.
You know, those are really thethree topics that I'm going to
be focusing on moving forward.
And um, I mean, it's really beenthe main point of this podcast
as well.
(03:26):
But, you know, when there's whenthere's different people that
you're interviewing, you try toorient a conversation around
their expertise as well.
So again, I'm learning from myguests as much as uh you guys
are.
And um yeah, it's it's gonna beexciting.
So uh be on the lookout forthat.
Just a couple more episodes.
I think it's like three.
(03:46):
This is should be episode 97, Ithink.
Either way, it doesn't matter.
We're getting close, and I'mexcited for that.
So let's go ahead and jump intotoday's topic on trauma, trauma,
faith, and recovery.
So this is part one.
Next week I have a guest on whois an expert in uh working with
(04:09):
trauma, and she has her ownpractice, and I'll I'll
introduce her uh next week.
But uh this is this will be partone, that will be part two, and
I think you will enjoy both bothconversations.
So uh yeah, let's go ahead andjump into this.
So the word trauma is reallythrown around a lot, um, and I
say that because I think thereis this narrative around trauma
(04:36):
that maybe has created somelevels of unhealth, maybe more
unhealthiness in some people.
In some ways, I understandbecause the the culture um has
fed into that.
And we also have a lot ofexposure to different forms of
trauma.
Okay, so before jumping intothat, I will get into that in a
(04:56):
little bit.
When we hear the word trauma,typically we think about these
catastrophic events, you know,major issues, major concerns,
wars, accidents, accidents,abuse, all of these different
things, right?
And it's important for us toreally have a clear
understanding, though, of whattrauma is.
So one of the things that I'mgoing to distinguish here is big
T trauma, which is thedefinition I'm going to give in
(05:19):
a little bit, and then small Ttrauma, which has to do more so
with identity and meaning andmessaging and all of these
different things.
So uh the DSM defines trauma asexposure to actual or threatened
death, serious injury or sexualviolation.
(05:40):
Okay, again, so it definestrauma, the DSM 5 defines trauma
as exposure to actual orthreatened death, serious
injury, or sexual violation,right?
So if you haven't experiencedthose things, then it could fall
(06:00):
into the place of small Ttrauma.
Again, and I'll get into that ina little bit.
But when we talk about trauma,most people, here's what they
what they think about thesecatastrophic events, right, that
involve death, injury, or sexualviolation.
But you know, sometimes here'swhere we really get confused
that all obviously thesesituations that I just mentioned
(06:22):
cause significant levels ofstress, uh, significant levels
of pain and injury and evenemotional disturbance.
Now, these are the serious typesor forms of trauma.
But today, it sounds even thoughwe sometimes say flippantly, and
I say we meaning the culturesays it kind of flippantly and
(06:46):
likes to use the word trauma, weoften use that for stressful
experiences in our lives that donot meet the standards that I
just mentioned here with deathinjury, sexual violation.
Right.
So that's what I mean by peoplekind of overusing the word and
maybe even using it soflippantly that it doesn't
(07:06):
really carry the same meaningthat it did uh before, right?
Now it doesn't mean that youhaven't experienced trauma um if
you didn't have uh an actual orthreatened death or a serious
injury or sexual violation, butit does help us kind of set the
stage for what that can actuallylook like.
For example, if you go through abreakup, if you lose a job, if
(07:29):
you face academicdisappointment, right?
Anything that feels reallyheavy, but it doesn't really
meet the clinical definition andthreshold of trauma, right?
So, in other words, a way tokind of look at this is that
trauma really isn't just aboutthe pain itself, but it's really
of how much it overwhelms thenervous system, right?
(07:51):
Because that is essentially whatgets changed throughout these
different experiences, right?
The nervous system gets floodedwith the shock of the situation.
Again, so not just the clinicalterm for trauma, but now we move
into small tea trauma, wherewhen in your life has there been
a time where you've experiencedoverwhelm?
(08:14):
And that could be through abreakup, it could be through a
loss of job, it could be throughfailing out of school, it could
be through um loss of identity,right?
So all of these things can beconsidered small tea trauma if
it overwhelms the nervoussystem.
For example, when people gothrough a breakup, it's really
interesting where they start tolose sleep, right?
(08:34):
So, in order to be able to copewith the breakup, they start
overthinking and they startquestioning, you know, what
could I have done differently?
What could I have done better?
They may start looking atthemselves like, Am I really who
I I think I am?
Do I need to change the way thatI've been for the longest time?
(08:56):
So they go through this wholeidentity crisis, right?
So they start losing sleep, theystart not paying attention to
their friendships andrelationships, they start
isolating themselves.
So all of these small behaviors,right, that seem small, really
start to take a toll on thenerve on the nervous system, on
the body.
And then when that becomesrepetitive and it becomes
(09:20):
consistent, and it happens overa long period of time, then you
can start to say that nowthey're experiencing these small
tea trauma, right?
Where identity, meaning, whothey are as a person starts to
shift in a significant way.
So it's pain persistingthroughout that time.
(09:42):
So that is what we would referto as small tea trauma.
Okay, so we have our definitionof what big T trauma is and what
small T trauma is, right?
So when we look at these things,some of the ways in which this
can manifest itself regardingmental health conditions, right?
We know most people, again, whenwe talk about trauma, know PTSD.
(10:02):
Uh, we also have complex PTSD.
So complex PTSD, also known asCPTSD, usually stems from
long-term relational trauma.
So this can include physical,verbal, emotional abuse, and
sexual abuse, right?
It's long-term.
It really starts to take a tollon the person's life and it
(10:23):
shapes their identity.
We also have what known what areknown as dissociative disorders,
right?
Where someone detachesthemselves from their own
thoughts, memories, or identity.
And then we also have anxietyand depression.
These often co-occur withtraumatic experiences.
Um, and remember, all of thesethings, not only do they affect
the nervous system, but theyreshape the brain.
(10:44):
I mean, there's a lot ofresearch on how these
significant events, traumaticevents, reshape the brain.
They create new pathways, newsystems because the shock is so
strong that it needs to find away to survive.
Again, if we look at the big Ttrauma, usually that shock
happens in the moment.
It's instant and it's felt rightaway, right?
(11:06):
You have flashbacks, you havenightmares, you have physical
sensations, sweating, um,nervousness, all of that because
of the shock of that big Ttrauma.
With small T trauma, it takes alot of time where slowly the
understanding of how it'sactually affecting you starts to
take a toll.
So you start losing sleep, youstart questioning your identity,
(11:28):
who you are, and even your way,the way in which you attach and
connect with other people startsto change.
So research shows thatfrequently uh trauma frequently
underlies mood and anxietydisorders.
So now that we know what kind ofdisorders stem from trauma,
let's look at some of the waysin which this shows up in the
lives of people.
(11:48):
So, usually what you'll seetrauma do is that it does affect
the body and it does affect themind, and both of those affect
how we behave in relationships.
So, one of the characteristicsor one of the ways in which this
shows up in the lives of peopleis that someone may be
constantly on edge, right?
Uh, trauma really does have thisimpact where it makes you
(12:11):
extremely cautious,hyper-vigilant of the world
around you, right?
Everything that you do is aboutscanning for danger.
So if let's look at a big Ttrauma instance.
So if you were in a car accidentand you broke a bone and you had
to go to the hospital and youwent through this, you know,
long rehab process to getbetter, it would be natural for
(12:37):
you to, when you get back on theroad driving again, for you to
be scanning for danger at alltimes because you don't want to
be in another accident likethat, right?
So you would be looking uhalmost hyper-vigilant of all the
cars around you where it maymake you lose focus from what
you're actually trying to do,which is drive safely on the
road, right?
So it makes people be on edge.
(13:00):
Now that's that's from aperspective of driving, right?
Something that you are doingthat's task-oriented.
But what about relationally?
Same thing.
Someone who has experiencedcomplex PTSD.
So relational trauma is someonewho's always going to be
scanning for danger within therelationship.
Again, you have the anxiousattachment style, you have the
(13:22):
avoidant attachment style.
You typically, in this type ofcase, when trauma is involved,
you're typically talking about afearful avoidant, which is the
disorganized attachment style.
So this is the person who isscanning for danger within the
relationship.
They overanalyze every singleinteraction, anything that seems
to feel like a disconnect, arupture in the relationship,
(13:44):
they're going to overthink itand they're going to start to
seek connection in a way that isunhealthy, right?
So they may become uh overlyjealous or clingy of the other
person to the point whereeverything that they do is
questioned.
Or they may do the opposite,where because they don't want to
engage in that, they maycompletely pull back and not
(14:05):
engage at all.
I'd rather not be hurt, so I'mjust gonna pull back and let's
see if the person is able toturn to me and bring me comfort
and safety that I need, right?
So there's this effect of traumaof putting a person in this mode
of scanning for danger, right?
Additionally, we also seedifficulty in sleeping, or they
(14:28):
can also be easily triggered bysounds or smells.
Again, usually these things areassociated to the big T trauma,
but again, when you'veexperienced something
consistently for a long periodof time, you can also develop
these very same symptoms.
Emotional numbness is anotherone, disconnecting in
relationships, the inability tofeel good or negative emotions,
(14:53):
this emotional silence, if wecan put it that way.
You don't feel anything, nothinggood, nothing bad, just blah.
And again, it is better to shutdown those emotions than to feel
anything, and that's the effectthat trauma has on people.
Other things can be chronicpain, exhaustion that may have
(15:16):
no medical explanation.
You know, um, Dr.
Bessel Vanderkook, he's mostlyknown for this book up here.
I think you can see it, right?
Um, Body Keeps the Score, hetalks about um and really tries
to explain that trauma doesn'tjust go away, right?
It really does get lodged intothe nervous system.
(15:37):
He talks about this conceptabout how our bodies hold these
stories.
Your body remembers everythingthat happens to it.
So whether that be a big Ttrauma or small T trauma, the
body remembers.
I remember speaking, I don'tknow if this was with um another
colleague of mine who was anattachment expert expert as
(16:00):
well.
Um, but kind of we we discussedthis idea of uh attachment is
really about two nervous systemswanting to find a way to
co-regulate.
And that's hard to do when oneor both of them have experienced
trauma.
In a relational context, usuallywe're referring to small T
(16:21):
trauma, so we're usuallyreferring to complex CP PTSD.
So the body is going to remembercertain things.
And I often use this example ofif you had a partner who cheated
on you, right?
And they were very kind of um,they're with their phone and
they would hide their phone fromyou, and they kind of kept
things to the side and wouldn'tlet you know what's going on.
(16:43):
Your body, let's say youeventually found out that they
were cheating, and you start toquestion at all times, you know,
in your new relationship, whenthey do something similar to
that, your body remembers thatjust feels it.
Even though the person may nothave given you any reason to
doubt them, you start to kind offeel like, oh, this is this is
(17:04):
weird.
Like, why am I being soskeptical about what he or she
is saying right now?
This this doesn't feel right,something feels off, right?
So that's kind of the bodyreminding you of, hey, you
remember what this was when thishappened to you?
You better pay attention.
You don't want to get hurtagain, do you?
So the body becomes hyper-rousedby these different behaviors.
If you're driving in a car andyou are a passenger, and the
(17:29):
person who's driving is kind ofswerving through the road, that
might remind you of a time whenuh the part of your accident was
that someone swerved into you,right?
So you're super tense and youruh vigilance of every all your
surroundings, and you probablyeven tell the driver to slow
down and to maybe change the waythey're driving, right?
So these are just some of theways in which it can show up in
(17:52):
relationships and in everydaylife.
So the nervous system reallydoes need to be rewired through
consistency, through efficiency,meaning something that works,
and through a long period oftime.
So, really, what trauma does isstarts to distort your reality,
whether that be in relationshipsor that be in everyday
(18:15):
activities or everyday life, itreally just shapes your mind
into scanning for dangers.
That's the probably the best wayto put it is that trauma has
this impact on you, on yourmind, on your nervous system,
that you now have to be in aposition to scan for danger in
order to avoid pain.
(18:37):
So now the big question for usis okay, well, because that's
happening, it would seem thateveryone, especially if we
include the relational traumacomponent, it would seem that
most, if not all, people haveexperienced some levels of
trauma.
And I would say, yeah, I I thinka lot of people have experienced
(18:59):
a form of relational trauma.
Okay.
Remember, it's ongoing, even ifit's small, right?
Small offenses that build upover time, but they're
consistent and they're ongoing,and it's for a long time, does
have an effect on how you viewyourself and how you view
others.
Again, we talk a little bitabout this in attachment theory,
which I've talked aboutextensively on the podcast.
(19:21):
So feel free to check out someof those other episodes, but you
really do or do put yourself inthis place where you have to
scan, scan for danger, right?
So trauma does have that effecton you.
So if everyone has experiencedtrauma or a lot of people have
experienced trauma, doeseveryone, is everyone still
dealing with trauma?
And I think maybe that's where Ihave the problem with that.
(19:43):
And not a problem in thatsomeone has experienced trauma,
but problem with people sayingthat the things that they've
gone through and that they usethe word trauma to describe
those specific things.
Okay, and here's what I mean bythat.
You've probably heard peoplesay, oh, that was traumatic, or
man, I my trauma really hasimpacted me a lot.
(20:06):
And I do a lot of story work,okay, a lot of narrative type of
therapy.
And one of the things that isimportant as what's the message
or what's the theme of your lifeas you share that story.
And what's happening today isthat a lot of people are
narrating their story with theword trauma.
(20:29):
Now, what I'm saying is that ifyou use the word trauma to
define your story, you willbehave in ways that kind of
reinforce that idea.
Okay.
Why do we use the word trauma?
Like, why do why do we say, uh,oh man, I well, I've really had
some some really bad trauma frommy past.
And you know, this is how wehave our conversations.
(20:50):
If it's in counseling, I thinkthat's different.
But when it's in relationshipsand friendships and and you kind
of describe your whole life uhon about trauma and all the
trauma that you've experienced,I think that starts to shape
your mind in such a way where welook for something from other
(21:12):
people.
And it's not compassion.
I think in some instances it isseeking attention because you
know, if you remember a coupleof years ago, there was a a time
where a lot of people on socialmedia were sharing like these
deepest, darkest traumas thatthey've experienced in their
(21:34):
lives.
And I remember thinking tomyself, I'm like, I don't know
if this is healthy.
They were sharing about theirabuse from a parent.
They were sharing about familyissues and family members that
traumatized them from some ofthe words that they they said to
(21:55):
them.
They were sharing a lot about,you know, it it wasn't even it
wasn't even, you know, thesemajor issues like um you know
sexual sexual abuse or anythinglike that.
But there were other things thatthey would be sharing that were
very personal.
And I I started thinking tomyself, I'm like, well, they're
sharing this on social media tonumerous people, I mean me
(22:18):
thousands or hundreds of peopleat least, um, about this this
really hard time in their life,and there's no safety there.
And as you know, withattachment, one of the things
that allows for people to bevulnerable is that they have a
safe haven, someone to go tothat will provide that safety
(22:42):
and comfort.
And you don't have that onsocial media.
Maybe you have that, you know,we have people saying, Oh, I'm
so sorry that happened to you.
I can't, you know, look at you,you've overcome so much, right?
So I think that those are thethings really that we're looking
for when we use the word trauma.
We're looking for thisaffirmation of our of our
(23:03):
stories, but it's done by peoplethat don't really know us,
right?
So it does feel good.
I'm not I'm not negating that.
It does feel good when someoneaffirms your story and things
that you've gone through.
That's why I said it when you goto if you're going to counseling
and you're having that languagewithin counseling, I think
that's fine because you arebeing tended to by someone who
is a professional and and isdoing good work.
(23:26):
But when we do that in ourfamilies, with our friends, in
our relationships, I think itstarts to paint a different
picture because we're expectingthe same type of response from
them that we're receiving from acounselor.
Okay.
And those people, those friends,those uh relationships and those
family members, they're notcounselors.
(23:48):
So if we go to counseling, weknow what healthy looks like,
and then we want to take thatsame model and expect for other
people to respond in the sameway, which can create actually
more pain.
I hope that's making sense.
The whole point of counseling isnot so that you can come away
(24:10):
with a new understanding so thatpeople can treat you
differently, but rather so youcan make decisions and you can
take steps towards healing thatwill help you grow from your own
traumatic experiences to seekout relationships that will also
(24:36):
help you grow.
The counseling relationship is amodel for you to know what to
look for in everyday life, it'snot a model for how you should
expect people to treat yououtside in real life.
I hope that makes sense.
Oftentimes people come tocounseling because they want
(24:58):
other people to change in theway that they treat them.
When really counseling is aboutthe change that you're going
through, which allows you tomake decisions and empowers you
to move towards healing in therelationships, in the situations
that you're in.
Now, as Christians, one of thehuge benefits that we have is
(25:22):
that we have not just ourrelationship with community,
church, family, friends,romantic relationships, spouses,
so on.
But we have a connection withGod.
He is our ultimate connection.
He is the person that we turn towhen no one else is around.
(25:42):
So when I talk about trauma andwhen I talk about the narrative
of trauma that you're creatingfor yourself outside of a
counseling relationship, I thinkit's really important that you
not use that word.
Okay, and again, for some of youguys who are listening to this,
you're like, this is probablybreaking down a lot of what I've
(26:06):
always thought.
Because you, Sam, what you'resaying is you don't think I
really experienced trauma.
And I just want to clarifyagain, I'm not saying that.
What I'm saying is that younarrating your story as
(26:26):
traumatic and seeing only thetrauma and not focusing on the
areas that you've grown in, Ithink that is what I'm pushing
back on.
That you rarely hear people whouse the word trauma talk about
how what they've learned andwhat they've grown through.
(26:48):
Right.
Now it's you might argue, well,how can I share with people what
I've how I've grown and whatI've learned if I don't tell
them about the trauma, right?
And I think that's a validpoint.
Yeah, I I I think that thatmakes sense to me.
But what I usually see is thatthe focus is on the trauma and
not on the growth.
Like, how did you from thatexperience grow closer to the
(27:10):
Lord?
What did that experience teachyou about relationships?
What did it teach you aboutboundaries?
What did it teach you abouthealthy attachments?
Right.
So we don't really focus onthese things, we focus on the
trauma.
Oh, I really went through thistraumatic experience, and you
know, yeah, my mom was likethis, and my dad was like this,
and this ex was you justtreating me.
They were so narcissistic, blah,blah, blah, this and that.
(27:31):
And um, you know, then my job,you know, my boss, my this.
So that's the story.
That's the story that peoplekeep on repeating.
So it brings on this sense ofsympathy uh from other people or
this attention, and it doesn'tallow for other people to learn
from that growth.
So I hope what you're hearingfrom what I'm about to share
(27:55):
right now is that for you tofocus on what you're learning,
right?
Kind of orienting your story tothe positive.
What have you learned?
How have you grown?
And if you focus on that, yourstory is gonna sound so much
different than it just being oneof trauma.
It's gonna sound so muchdifferent.
(28:16):
It's gonna sound more ofredemption, provide more
opportunity for maybe evensharing the gospel of how the
Lord has brought you throughthat time, how a close friend or
family has stuck with youthroughout those difficult
times, right?
So you focus on the positive onwhat you learned and what the
Lord has taught you and whereyou are today, not on the
(28:37):
trauma.
Okay, so I really want to makesure that that's clear today.
That I'm not minimizing trauma,whether it be big T trauma or
small T trauma.
What I'm saying is as you'renarrating your story, that you
focus on what you've beenlearning throughout the process.
And if you start highlightingthat, I think that is really
(28:58):
gonna help you grow even more.
Now, trauma shapes our view notonly of ourselves, of other
people, and ultimately our viewof God, right?
Our early attachments, the waythat we bond with our parents or
caregivers, shape how we relateto others, and it's gonna shape
how we relate to God.
And when we talk about small tetrauma, usually those offenses
(29:22):
happen within relationships,which is gonna make us more
aware of the types ofrelationships that we enter.
And again, we're gonna bescanning for danger.
And even with God, whensomething bad happens, what do
some people, some Christians,uh, might say, um, Lord, where
were you in all of this?
Like, why did you allow this tohappen?
(29:44):
Like, if you're, you know, I'vebeen obedient, I've I've loved
you all this time, and why didyou allow this to happen?
Right?
You start to feel unseen andmaybe start to see God as
distant, right?
If you're hurt by someone whowas an authority.
In the church, you might projectthat mistrust onto God.
(30:05):
And right, this is a big part ofkind of our uh our God concept,
the way that we think about Godis influenced by our
interactions with people,especially specifically people
who claim faith, right?
It's usually people who are inauthority or authority figures
(30:25):
within the church, right?
So if they do something thatcontradicts the word of God, in
our minds we change, we change,uh, we start to shift in our
understanding of God.
So our God concept starts tochange.
Well, maybe God's not reallyfaithful, or maybe he doesn't
really love me.
He doesn't really want toprotect me, right?
And then there's another part,which I've talked about before
(30:47):
too, the God image, which is howwe feel about God, that starts
to change too, because now wefeel this anger and distrust and
um yeah, even disappointmentwith people within the church.
So now we start to see God kindof in the same way.
It's like, Lord, well, I don'tlike this feeling, right?
(31:07):
And if we're very um emotionallydriven, you're gonna go by that.
I don't like this feeling.
So the only way to avoid that toremove that feeling is to avoid
it, right?
So, yes, trauma is is rampant,and I do see it in the lives of
many people, right?
Many people have experienced itat some point in their lives.
(31:30):
Um, the more recent, obviously,the stronger it's gonna feel,
the more you're gonna see a lotof these symptoms that I
discussed early on.
And the farther back it is,maybe you don't feel it as much,
or maybe you're just nowstarting to process it because
it's starting to show up in yourrelationships.
You weren't even aware of it,and then someone does something
in a relationship and ittriggers you, and you're like,
whoa, where's this coming from?
(31:52):
Right?
So maybe you're just nowbecoming aware of it.
So, what I hope that I'm able toleave you with is that don't
define your life by thosetraumatic events.
Start to talk about yourrealization, maybe, of it in
your life and how you want towork through it.
(32:12):
Like, what do you want to see atthe end of your healing journey?
Right?
How is God going to heal youfrom this wound that you had
growing up?
Right, because he does play arole in it.
We talk often a lot of becausethese things happen in
relationships, it's not just thebody, it's not just the mind,
(32:35):
it's not just the emotions thatget hurt, the soul gets hurt,
right?
Our spirits get weary because ofwhat we've experienced in
relationships, right?
So, how do we invite God intothat to allow him to do a work
in our lives?
Well, one of the ways in whichwe do that, we do that through
(32:57):
prayer.
We seek God, we rely on himheavily.
I mean, think of just the littlebaby child who fully depends on
the mother, just fulldependence.
That is how we need to be whenwe have been hurt by other
(33:22):
people.
Just Lord, this is a shock tome.
I can't believe that thishappened.
Where am I gonna turn, right?
What I classically call thePeter moment, right?
When Jesus was having doing allthese miracles and he was
healing people, and he fed thepeople, and all the people that
were following him, they wantedto see more.
(33:43):
And when Jesus didn't, theyended up leaving, right?
And uh then Jesus turns to hisdisciples and he says, you know,
will you guys leave me as well?
And then one of the best quotesthat Peter has ever stated in
Scripture, where he says, Lord,where do we go?
Where do we go?
(34:03):
You have the words of eternallife, right?
The best possible response.
And I I call that Peter momentin the lives of many of us, many
Christians, where if you don'tknow God, you're gonna turn to
things that are not good foryou.
You're gonna turn to vices,addictions, um, turn to
unhealthy people, unhealthyhabits, right?
(34:26):
So if you don't know Christ,you're gonna turn to things that
bring provide a sense of relief,a sense of disconnect, um, a
sense of numbness, right?
So we seek God because we wantfor him to heal us.
So we do that through prayer, wedo it through reading his word,
(34:47):
read his word, read through thepsalms.
If anything, that's actually agood, great place to start.
If you're experiencing any typeof emotional pain, just start
reading through the Psalms, readthem out loud, and you're gonna
see how helpful that is for you.
Right?
So seek God out through prayer,seek him out in his word, and
(35:11):
and as I always say too, seekhim out in the Christian
community.
The Lord uses the church, theLord uses other believers, our
brothers and sisters in Christ,to bear our burdens together, as
it says in Galatians 6 2.
We bear each other's burdens,and in so doing, we fulfill the
(35:33):
law of Christ.
So the takeaway is when younarrate your story, narrate the
things that God is teaching youalong the way, and your story is
gonna come out very differentthan if you focus only on the
traumatic event.
(35:54):
This was a tough one to sharewith you guys today, but I think
it I think I communicatedclearly what I wanted to say
about trauma, and I hope thatit's a blessing for you.
And next week we'll talk evenmore about what this actually
looks like and how to findhealing through that as well.
(36:15):
Guys, thank you so much fortuning in again.
Um, I hope that this is ablessing, and I will talk to you
guys next week.
Take care.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist
It’s 1996 in rural North Carolina, and an oddball crew makes history when they pull off America’s third largest cash heist. But it’s all downhill from there. Join host Johnny Knoxville as he unspools a wild and woolly tale about a group of regular ‘ol folks who risked it all for a chance at a better life. CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist answers the question: what would you do with 17.3 million dollars? The answer includes diamond rings, mansions, velvet Elvis paintings, plus a run for the border, murder-for-hire-plots, and FBI busts.