September 4, 2024 • 33 mins
Send Me Questions on Attachment
Can a romantic relationship truly heal your past wounds? Discover how God's grace and the power of secure attachment can transform your most intimate connections. Tune in as I share my personal journey of seeking male role models and mentors, and how those relationships have profoundly impacted my growth and healing. We’ll unpack the biblical call to bear each other's burdens, and how community plays a pivotal role in our personal development.We dive deep into the dynamics of secure and anxious attachment pairings in romantic relationships. Learn how a secure partner’s steady hand and empathetic communication can alleviate the anxious partner’s fears and build a foundation of trust. From consistent reassurance to non-judgmental problem-solving, you'll gather actionable insights to foster emotional support and create a healthy relationship. Plus, we address the challenges you might encounter and effective strategies for conflict resolution.
Finally, we explore the nuanced dynamics between secure and avoidant attachments, as well as the profound impact of our relationship with God on our human interactions. Using biblical examples like Jonah and Abraham, we illustrate how faith and trust in God can shape our relationships. You'll also hear about the essential role of the Christian community in supporting and nurturing secure, supportive connections. Whether you're grappling with anxiety, avoidance, or looking to deepen your faith, this episode offers a roadmap to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM:
@godattachmenthealing
FOLLOW ME ON FACEBOOK:
God Attachment Healing
ABOUT ME 👇
My mission is to help you understand your attachment style to learn how you can heal from the pain you’ve experienced in your relationship with God, the church and yourself.
I look forward to walking alongside you as you draw closer to Christ!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
All right, everyone, welcome back to the God
Attachment Healing Podcast.
Thank you for being here.
I think today's topic is goingto be one that a lot of you are
going to be interested in,because I'm talking about the
most common attachment stylepairings, and I'm going to be
doing the healthy ones and theunhealthy ones.
So, yeah, so as you tune in,you're going to have a tendency
(00:30):
to want to observe these things,maybe in your own relationship,
but I do just want to cautionthat.
Remember that as we talk aboutthese different attachment
styles, attachment styles canchange with time, and I know
I've said that dozens of timeson the show.
But if you find yourself in anyone of these types of pairings,
(00:51):
I just want to give you thathope that you can change your
attachment style to be moresecure.
The other person can changetheir attachment style to be
more secure, which would helpboth of you become a secure
relationship.
So, yeah, so we're going totalk about that Now.
If you haven't done so already,please go to the Apple podcast.
(01:11):
Leave a review.
I love hearing from you guys,even when, on social media, you
can message me and suggest anytopics that you'd like me to
cover.
But you might be askingyourself the question.
You know why am I talking aboutattachment style pairings for
this episode?
And you know, one of the thingsthat I was thinking about was
(01:32):
well, I realized that God oftenheals people through
relationships Not just romanticrelationships, although that's
what I'm going to be talkingabout today, but he does heal us
through different relationships.
You know, it could be through aparent, it could be through a
boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse,mentor, and so on.
(01:54):
So I do believe that God usespeople in our lives to help heal
parts of us that need healing.
And you know, there's a lot ofemphasis in the New Testament
about community, about thechurch, about bearing each
other's burdens, about meetingeach other's needs.
So there's a lot that we canexplore regarding that.
(02:14):
So that's kind of how thisepisode came into play.
And also, just in general,people enjoy talking about
relationships.
Why?
Because it's such a big part ofour lives the people that we
interact with on a daily basis,the people that you grew up with
, people that maybe knew peoplein your life, and that's also a
blessing as well.
So we'll talk about thosedifferent attachment style
(02:38):
pairings.
You know one of the he also hasa podcast, adam Young.
It's called the Place we FindOurselves Really good podcast, a
lot attachment-based, and he,you know I kind of got this idea
from him as well is that weoften expect people to just heal
and come to the relationshipfully healed.
You know, and I think it sets upthis false expectation for why
(03:00):
people are so afraid to enterinto relationships.
For why people are so afraid toenter into relationships, they
feel that if they're not fullyhealed they're not worthy of a
relationship, or if they're inthe process of healing, that
they still have so much morework to do.
And that is true.
You know most of us, I think,can agree with that that
obviously there's always morehealing that we can do.
(03:21):
But in avoiding a relationshipthat could expose different
parts that need healing, wedon't allow for God to use those
relationships to actually healus.
And here's what I mean by that.
When you allow for fear todictate who you're going to
engage with, who you're going tointeract with, who you allow in
(03:42):
your inner circle, who you needto keep outside of that circle,
and so on, so you may need toavoid certain people that may
not be helping you in yourpersonal walk with Christ and at
the same time.
There's other people who youmay need to get close to and
take the initiative to get closeto in order to grow in your
relationship with Christ.
I was thinking about how I'vegrown up and I was trying to
(04:06):
remember just any timethroughout my childhood where
there wasn't a male role modelor figure in my life that was
investing in me at some point inmy life and for me.
You know, I grew up in adivorced home.
My parents got divorced when Iwas about 17.
They had separated for a whilewhen I was 11 or 12, and it was
(04:28):
only for a couple of monthsMaybe it was just a month, but
yeah.
When they finally divorced at17, I remember seeking out
mentors, just wanting forsomeone to spend time with me,
to invest in me, to know what itfeels like to receive that love
and care and guidance from ahealthy male figure.
(04:49):
And my dad it wasn't that hewasn't involved, I feel like he
didn't just know how to do it.
So the fact that we were alwayssurrounded by other men in his
life men in my life like thatwas helpful for me to heal in
certain areas of my life andeven now as an adult.
The Lord has always providedsomeone in that process.
(05:10):
But now, as we transition intowell, what does that mean for
not a mentorship relationship,but romantic relationships, and
how that affects our dynamic inour personal walk with Christ
and how that affects our dynamicin our personal walk with
Christ.
So that's why this idea oftalking about relationships and
the different attachment stylepairings came up is that I want
(05:34):
you to know what your attachmentstyle is, what the attachment
style dynamic is within yourrelationship, and how to know if
it's healthy or unhealthy.
So let's start first with thehealthy right.
So with both healthy attachmentstyle pairings, there's
obviously going to be one personwho is secure, okay, so we have
the secure and anxious, andthen we have the secure and
(05:57):
avoidant, and we'll explore whatthe dynamic looks like, some
challenges, some things thathelp the relationship, and then
we'll also talk about somedynamics, what every day could
look like for them as well.
So let's jump into the firstone, which is the secure and
anxious attachment style pairing.
(06:17):
Now, before I jump into that,this is one of the most common
attachment style pairings fromthe healthy perspective.
From the unhealthy perspective,we're going to see the anxious
and the most common attachmentstyle pairings from the healthy
perspective, from the unhealthyperspective, we're going to see
the anxious and the avoidantattachment style pairing, which
is the most common for theunhealthy.
Okay, so we'll start with thesecure and anxious and then
we'll move to secure andavoidant and then we'll jump
into the unhealthy attachmentstyle pairings.
(06:39):
So what does the dynamic looklike for a secure and anxious
attachment style?
Well, if we go back through anumber of episodes and if you've
been following this podcast fora while, you'll know that the
secure person tends to have apositive view of self and a
positive view of others, and thereason for that is because they
(07:00):
have been able to experiencetheir needs being met and being
able to trust others to be ableto meet those needs and, in turn
, because they've had thoseneeds met, they know how to meet
the needs of other people.
So this is a person who grew up, had very attentive parents,
had very understanding parentswho provide structure, provide
discipline, but, most of all,provided love and care.
(07:23):
For the anxious attachmentstyle, or for the anxious person
, their needs were not met allof the time.
Their needs were metinconsistently.
They didn't know if they weregoing to be met one day.
They may have been neglectedfor a little bit.
And then there was someinconsistency with the
(07:44):
attentiveness of the parents,right, and they continue to
experience this throughout life.
So it leaves them kind ofthinking well, is it because
they did something wrong?
Do I need to do somethingdifferent?
So they're always questioningtheir own worth in the
relationship.
So the anxious attachment stylehas a tends to have a negative
view of self and a high view ofothers or a positive view of
(08:05):
others.
So they kind of place people ona pedestal.
And they can do this inromantic relationships where
their partner is everything tothem and they place them on this
pedestal.
They can do no wrong becausethey're much better than they
are right.
So they see themselves as I'mthe problem, I'm the issue.
I need to fix things, I need to.
I did something wrong, so youknow it's me right.
(08:26):
So you have this dynamic of thesecure attachment or the
securely attached person andthis anxiously attached person.
And what does that look like?
So the dynamic in general isthe secure partner helps
alleviate the anxious partner'sfears and works to establish a
(08:47):
sense of reassurance andstability.
And they don't have a problemwith that right, because
typically what you find inunhealthy relationships is when
one is asking.
In this case, an anxiouspartner is asking for attention
or is asking for reassurance orseeking stability.
The other partner may get upsetand may think that they're
being too demanding or may thinkthat they're being too picky
(09:10):
about everything, so they getfrustrated, right.
But a securely attached personjust sees that as man, this
person really needs me to bepresent.
They need this reassurance andI don't have a problem with that
because I know that's what Iappreciate and I receive that.
So I can only imagine what it'slike for this person to not
feel that way and what can I do?
And they'll explore optionslike is there anything that
(09:32):
makes you feel safe?
Is there anything that can makeyou feel more stable in our
relationship?
Like, what's missing?
They're more open to talkingabout that because they want to
meet those needs.
Right, and the securely attachedperson is impacted by the
anxiously attached person, butit's only in small ways, right?
(09:54):
For example, the anxiouslyattached person may ask for more
time.
Hey, you know, I've noticedyou've been working a lot lately
and I just I feel like I needmore, more time.
Like you're not really, um,you're around, but I don't feel
that you're fully around.
So the securely attached personmight see that and instead of
becoming defensive, they'll lookat that and say you know what?
(10:15):
You're?
Right I have been.
I have been working a lot and Ihaven't realized that I was
neglecting my relationship.
So what can we do about it?
Right, they immediately jumpinto an understanding and
empathetic approach to solvingthe problem.
Right, so they'll look at theirpartner's concern with that
(10:36):
with that attentiveness, like,okay, oh, I'm sorry, I didn't
realize that I was doing that.
Right, Because the securelyattached person isn't perfect.
So when they do make mistakes,they're able to acknowledge or
wanting to understand where theanxious partner is coming from.
Right, so what the securelyattached person does is that
they alleviate their fears byaddressing them openly and
(10:59):
honestly, non-judgmentally andwith with a care and empathic
tone.
Right, they want to solve theproblem and their core self,
their identity, is not impactedby the concerns of the anxious
partner.
So the anxious partner can'trely and their fears and
(11:19):
emotions will be alleviated bythe secure partner's response to
them, bringing up those issuesright.
One of the key things thatyou'll find in a secure and
anxious attachment-style pairingis that they're going to be big
on communication.
There needs to be emotionalsupport and it's contingent on
(11:41):
the secure partner's consistentresponsiveness to those issues,
right?
Remember, the anxiouslyattached partner has received
care, but not consistently.
There's been times where theyhaven't received care.
There's been times where theyhaven't feel loved or worn love.
There's been times where theirneeds weren't met.
(12:02):
So they never knew what was thereason for that.
Why are my needs not being metall the time, or most of the
time at least?
So they have these questions andimmediately, because of the
negative view of self, they'lllook at themselves and say what
am I doing wrong?
Did I do something wrong?
Is something wrong with me?
What can I do to make thisperson love me better?
(12:24):
Right?
So even though the securepartner is wanting to meet those
needs, the anxiously attachedpartner can still ask themselves
, like gosh, what am I doingwrong?
Why is he always at work?
Or why is she always doing thisthing over here?
Why can't she be more attentive?
Is it something that I'm doing?
What can I do differently?
(12:45):
Right?
So they put all the blame onthemselves and the secure
partner reminds them that no,you know, this is something that
I'm doing.
What can I do differently?
Right?
So they put all the blame onthemselves and the secure
partner reminds them that no,you know, this is something that
we need to talk through.
Let's talk about it.
You know, why is it that we'refeeling a little bit distant?
Why is it that I'm getting soinvolved in work and you're
feeling unloved, like, let'stalk about it, right?
So there's high communication,high emotional support and
(13:05):
understanding of where theanxious partner is coming from.
Okay, but the key for the securepartner is to be consistently
positively responsive to thoseconcerns of the anxious partner.
Right, they have some fearsthat may be legitimate and some
(13:25):
fears that may not be legitimate, right?
So fears that may have reasonand fears that don't have any
reason, nothing to do with thestatus of the relationship.
So those are things that thesecure partner can tend to, and
do so in a humble and caringmanner.
(13:45):
Right Now, some of thechallenges that may come up, and
specifically with the anxiouspartner, is that they may still
struggle with insecurity.
Okay, and that's okay.
Again, as time goes on, the moreconsistently responsive that
the secure partner is, the lessstruggle with that insecurity
that the anxious partner willhave.
(14:05):
But if the anxiety and theinsecurity becomes too much for
the anxious partner, it couldlead to potential conflicts if
the secure partner fails tocommunicate effectively.
Okay, so communication is keyhere because, again, the secure
partner wants to fix thoseproblems, so he'll address it.
And the anxious partner willlook at that and say, well, you
(14:29):
know, is it something that I'mdoing wrong?
Are you really telling me thetruth, like, is it really
nothing to do with me?
And the secure partnerreassures and says no, it's
nothing to do with you, let'stalk about this and let's figure
out a way to resolve this.
Right?
But if there are high levels ofinsecurity for the anxious
partner again, and they keepbringing that up, it could start
(14:49):
to negatively affect therelationship.
Okay, so that kind of gives youan overview of what that dynamic
of a secure and anxious partnerwill look like.
And the view of themselves andthe view of their partner is key
here, again, for the secure,positive view, view of self,
positive view of the other.
So they're going to see theseconcerns, as you know, it
(15:11):
doesn't mean that they're bad orthat they're.
They're less than becausethey're having these fears or
that they don't, uh, they're notas committed to the
relationship.
They just see them as people.
Right, you're just a personwho's struggling with, um,
feeling secure in therelationship, and that's okay.
What can I do to help with thatFor the anxiously attached
(15:32):
partner?
They're going to look at thatand say, no, you're such a great
partner, I love that you'rehere, I love that you're
supportive, I love that youcommunicate with me, but I feel
like there's something wrongwith me.
I feel like I can do better.
Right, so that constantconversation with themselves can
affect how they show up to therelationship and also what they
(15:53):
communicate to the securepartner.
Right, so some everydaydynamics that can come into play
.
Right?
So let's talk about maybe amorning routine.
Right, the secure partner wakesup, offers a living greeting,
providing the anxious partnerwith a sense of reassurance for
the day ahead.
Right, so that's a good way foran anxious partner to start
(16:15):
their day right.
Just a simple act of hey, goodmorning, how are you?
You know, I hope you have agood day, kiss, goodbye, and so
on.
That provides reassurance forthe anxious partner.
Right?
And what about throughout theday?
What does that look like?
Well, because they need thatreassurance, because they need
(16:35):
that safety and stability, maybea couple of text messages
throughout the day.
Right, where the anxiouspartner makes a couple of texts,
kind of seeking validation orjust checking in.
The secure partner is not goingto have a problem with that.
They're just going to promptlyrespond and affirm what they're
feeling.
Oh hey, thanks for checking in.
I really appreciate that.
And again, all of these aresmall little acts throughout the
(16:56):
day that provide a sense ofsecurity, the secure partner.
That's why we're talking aboutthese healthier relationships
secure with anxious, secure withavoidant.
We're seeing how the securepartner can change the dynamic
of the relationship, right.
So, for example, if we look ata quadrant, let's say right here
on the screen, so let's say thesecure partner's here and the
(17:17):
anxious partner's here, let'ssay they're really anxious,
right, and as they interact morewith the secure partner and
they are consistent in theirbehavior towards them, this
person just gets a little bitmore secure and more secure and
more secure or less anxious,less anxious, less anxious and,
you know, stays at a low levelof anxiety or actually becomes
(17:39):
secure in the relationshipbecause of how the secure
partner is showing up.
I feel like I'm repeatingeverything so much because I'm
saying secure, anxious, secure,anxious.
But hopefully you're capturing,kind of this dynamic between
the secure and the anxiouspartner.
So how do they handle conflict?
Well, if something arises Ikind of addressed this already
(17:59):
the secure partner can addressit calmly and they want to
emphasize communication.
And that helps the anxiouspartner see that and say, okay,
they want to solve this problem,like they're not just leaving
me to myself, they're notgetting upset at me for bringing
up these issues, right, theyare affirming how I'm feeling
and so on, right.
(18:20):
So again, that changes thedynamic of the relationship,
which is why we consider this ahealthy pairing okay of the
relationship, which is why weconsider this a healthy pairing.
So the secure and avoidantthough it looks a lot different,
but still, the secure personcan impact the avoidant in such
a way where they can become lessavoidant.
So in the first pairing, whereyou have someone who's highly
(18:42):
anxious, they become lessanxious.
With the avoidant, with theavoidant partner, they become
less avoidant.
So they want to engage more asopposed to isolate themselves
and withdraw from the situation.
The secure partner helps theavoidant one feel safe enough to
gradually engage emotionally.
(19:02):
Okay.
So let's think back again as towhy is there an avoidant
attachment style?
Why did this person becomeavoidant?
Well, this person didn't gettheir needs met.
Right person become avoidant.
Well, this person didn't gettheir needs met right.
It's not even a matter ofconsistency, it was just that
they were neglected or they justcouldn't really depend on
anyone growing up.
So what they do is that theylearn to depend on themselves
(19:24):
and not really create a sense oftrust with other people, like
they'll have it.
But they're always questioningwhether or not they should right
Because they've been hurtbefore.
So they rely on those pastexperiences.
That informs how they'reshowing up in relationships and
they have this small doubt thatthe secure partner will at some
point fail them right.
They can't be that perfect.
(19:46):
They can't be that person who'salways attentive and meeting my
needs.
You know this is sketchy, thisis a little bit.
This is different for me.
I've never experienced thisbefore, right.
So that's kind of the thinkingbehind and in their minds is
that they're questioning whetherthe secure person is actually
(20:08):
going to maintain a consistentlevel of commitment and approach
to the relationship.
They're expecting for them tofail.
And when they do right, even ifit's one, two, three times,
they see that and they say see,it's just exactly like I
predicted they were going tofail me and it could be
something small, it could besomething big, right, whatever
(20:28):
it is, it doesn't matter.
It's just the fact that theyfailed them in some way, shape
or form reinforces the beliefthat they can't trust them.
So that's something that theavoidant, the attached partner,
would have to work through.
But again, the securely attachedperson can help them with that,
because they're going to showup consistently.
They're going to want to meettheir needs, they're going to be
(20:48):
patient with them.
Right, and this is part of thesuccess factors that they have
is that there's patience,there's understanding and, in a
very huge way, the securepartner understands the
avoidance need for space.
Right, they don't getthreatened by it, like when the
avoidant partner pulls away,they see it more as okay, well,
they just need some time toprocess, right?
(21:10):
Maybe the avoidant goes out fora walk, or maybe they go for a
drive, or maybe they just kindof pull away and shut down a
little bit.
The securely attached partnerlooks at that and says, okay,
they're just processing.
Remember, this doesn't mean Iwant to make sure I'm clear with
this the secure partner is notperfect, meaning it's not that
they're never going to have anynegative emotions or responses
(21:31):
to these behaviors, but it doesmean that, in general, the
majority of the time they arewanting to meet the needs of the
other person, they don't seethem in a negative light.
They can accept them for whothey are and their understanding
of why they are the way thatthey are right.
That doesn't mean that theydon't get frustrated at times or
(21:55):
that they understand everysingle feeling that the avoidant
or anxious person is feeling.
It's that in general, theyunderstand that they're people,
right, that we're sinners, thatwe have flaws and all of those
different things, right.
So when the avoidant pulls away, the securely attached
individual understands that thatmay be a way in which they've
(22:16):
learned to cope and that's okay,right, they'll give them some
space and then they'll check inand say, hey, are you ready to
talk about this now, like whatcan we do to solve this problem?
And they'll wait for theavoidant to be ready.
And that's what the avoidantneeds, right, they just want
space.
Let me process, let me figurethis out first, and then we can
(22:38):
re-engage.
The avoidant fears intimacy,right, and part of the securely
attached individual's process isthat they want to develop that
level of intimacy, to talk aboutthings, to know more about the
avoidant right.
But the avoidant feels like ifI share too much, you're going
to use this against me.
Or again you're going to failme in some way, shape or form.
I don't know.
If I share too much, you'regoing to use this against me.
Or again you're going to failme in some way, shape or form.
I don't know if I can reallytrust you with this.
So what the avoidant will doearly on in the relationship is
(23:02):
that they'll test those waters.
They'll share a little bit, seehow the other person responds,
share a little bit more, see howthey respond, share some more
and more and more Right.
And then, as they see thisconsistent, positive,
non-judgmental response to howthey cope with things, they
start to gain a little bit moretrust and a little bit more
trust.
(23:22):
Again, it's a two-way street,right?
Though the securely attachedperson can do this on a
consistent basis, they do gettired in the process, right?
If it's not reciprocated, likeany.
I think any relationship wouldfeel that when efforts are not
reciprocated to the other person, you know you get tired,
(23:42):
emotionally, spiritually,mentally, physically even.
Right, it affects the way thatyou show up.
But again, we're talking ingeneral.
The securely attached personwill be able to meet those needs
and understand and know thatintimacy with the avoidant is
going to take some time, muchmore time than it would with an
anxiously attached individual.
(24:03):
Right so the avoidant fearsintimacy.
The securely attached persontakes his or her time to engage
in certain levels of intimacywith that person, right?
So those are some of thosedynamics between the secure and
the avoidant.
What do everyday dynamics looklike?
Well, after a long day thesecure partner could initiate
(24:24):
quality time.
Maybe let's watch a movie,right, there's no deep
engagement in conversation, butmaybe just spending time
together like that, watching amovie or going for a walk or
exercising together.
Whatever the case is justthey're again trying to find
solutions or ways to beconsistently present for the
avoidant which the avoidant hasnot experienced before.
(24:44):
Right, so the avoidant partnermay enjoy the time but may need
some time alone also to recharge.
So it's almost kind of like anintrovert, right?
Typically the description of anavoidant type would be kind of
the strong, silent type.
Right, they need to do thingson their own, they've done
things by themselves, they'revery independent, so they don't
(25:05):
really depend on other people,right, but with the securely
attached person they learn todepend on them because they're
trustworthy, they've shown, theyhave a record of being able to
meet needs, of being able toaddress things in a in a calm
way, of providing space rightthat they need.
So, again, all of that buildstrust for the avoidantly
(25:25):
attached Individual right.
Anytime if they need personaltime, the secure partner
understands and reinforces hey,it's okay, I know you need space
and I don't feel rejectedbecause of it.
I understand that this is theway that you handle things and
that's okay and that alleviatesa lot of that pressure for the
avoidant to engage in longconversations or to crave more
(25:50):
intimacy with that person, toreally talk about things that
are bothering them and so on.
There could be some emotionalcheck-ins that the secure
partner does right.
Hey, you know, how are youfeeling about this?
You know, even though theavoiding partner might not feel
safe enough to share, they willdo so with time right, they
first want to see thateverything that the secure
(26:13):
partner does has been consistentand ongoing and that they can
trust in what they're doingright.
So very, very important tounderstand that and they will,
and this couple will experiencethe benefits of exploring this
(26:34):
dynamic right that, again, thesecure partner will eventually
pull the avoidant partner to beless avoidance and to try to
engage more.
Right and again, it could stillmake the securely attached
individual feel maybe a littlebit unseen or misunderstood.
But again, because they knowtheir core self and who they are
(26:55):
, you know they try to meet theneeds of the other person as
best way as they can, and someof that the biggest needs for
the avoidant attachment style isspace.
So that's kind of what we, whatwe see here with this, with
this dynamic.
Now I thought I was going to beable to get to the see here,
with this dynamic Now I thoughtI was going to be able to get to
(27:16):
the unhealthy attachment stylepairings, but I think I'm going
to save that for next time.
I think I covered a lot withthese two healthy pairings and I
hope that it's helpful.
But let me also address thisother aspect of what does this
have to do with God attachment?
Right?
I mean we see this in scripture, where there's a lot of people
(27:39):
in the Bible that were runningaway from God.
Right, I'm thinking about Jonahright now.
What was it about hisrelationship with God that made
him feel like he needed to runaway from the mission that God
had for him?
Right?
Was it the mission itself ordid it have something to do with
his relationship with God?
What was it with Abraham to runaway from the mission that God
(28:01):
had for him?
Right?
Was it the mission itself ordid it have something to do with
his relationship with God?
What was it with Abraham thatmade him feel so willing to
sacrifice his own son on thealtar right?
What made him willing to beable to do that?
I think any parent wouldnaturally resist that command
right and not want to do it andnot see a purpose for that.
But Abraham's faith in God wasso strong and there was a secure
(28:25):
relationship that he trustedthat whatever it was that God
was going to do, it was going tobe to his benefit.
Right and again.
That's the type of level oftrust that we want to establish,
not just in our earthlyrelationship but our
relationship with God.
How much do you trust him?
How much do you see that heunderstands what you're going
through I mean Hebrews 12 talksabout that right that he
(28:46):
understands that we don't have ahigh priest who doesn't know
what we're experiencing, but hehas experienced everything
himself, because he came toearth to be a man, to experience
everything that we've everexperienced and to die on the
cross for our sins to be raisedagain on the third day.
And now sits at the right hand.
We'll come back one day, right?
So we have this trust and thisbelief of God's consistent
(29:09):
attentiveness to the needs thatwe have, to the needs that we
have, not the wants that we have, but the needs.
He always seeks ways to meetour needs and sometimes that's
through a romantic relationship,right?
Sometimes it's throughmentorship, sometimes through
family members, sometimesthrough friendship and sometimes
(29:31):
through romantic relationships.
Like.
God uses the church, christiancommunity, to meet certain needs
, to bear one another's burdens,right, all the one another's.
That you can find in the NewTestament.
That's the purpose of theChristian body, right, of the
church.
(29:51):
So when you think about theserelationship dynamics, right,
and hopefully you've been ableto identify kind of are you more
secure or more anxious?
There's a radical level ofhonesty that you have to have
with yourself here as to are yousecure, are you anxious?
Are you avoidant, disorganized,which is kind of this fearful,
avoidant, and I'll talk aboutthat at some point down the road
(30:13):
and I have talked about it, butmaybe I'll do one on
relationships.
You have to be honest withyourself.
Like do you, when you get closein relationships, do you become
highly anxious and questioneverything about the
relationship and question yourown worth and value?
And is it something that you'redoing wrong, sometimes
(30:34):
contributing to the feelings ofrejection and being unwanted and
so on?
Right, do you respond more inthat way?
Or do you respond like theavoidant, that you want to
withdraw, you want to pull back,you don't know if you trust the
other person fully, likethere's always doubts,
something's going to go wrong,like.
If you respond like that, likeown that about yourself so that
you can move towards being lessof what or move towards being
(30:57):
less anxious, right, that youmove towards a secure base and
relationship.
And if you are secure, thenknow that about yourself too.
That you can, through yourconsistent behaviors towards the
other person of loving andcaring and wanting to meet their
needs, you can help them changetheir attachment style.
Right, you don't intentionallylook to help someone else, right
(31:20):
, you're not their savior inthat sense, but there are some
attachment styles.
Again, that these pairings,that they can influence each
other.
Right, if you get the closestfive people in your circle, you
will be influenced by them andin a relationship, five people
in your circle.
You will be influenced by themand in a relationship, the
person that you're withinfluences a lot of who you are.
So if you're with a secureattachment, securely attached
(31:41):
individual, they're going toimpact you and they're going to
move you towards becoming lessanxious, move you towards
becoming less avoidant right, ifyou are a securely attached
individual, then you're going tohelp people move in that
direction as well and you might.
Again, like I said, you can beaffected by these relationships.
So if you typically securelyattached individual will know
(32:04):
when to set boundaries, when topull away from a relationship
that's arming them or that'snegatively affecting them,
they'll be able to set thoseboundaries.
Or that's negatively affectingthem, they'll be able to set
those boundaries right.
But in general, a securelyattached individual can see
those things and they'll pullaway.
But if they see hope and theyactually see that the
relationship is positive andit's impacting them in a
(32:26):
positive way, they'll stay in itright and they'll see change,
and they typically see change inthe other person, which is why
they continue to invest in thatrelationship.
Okay, so yeah, securely attachedindividuals with anxious and
securely attached with anavoidant, those can work and
they can be healthy.
It's just a matter of beingable to identify and see what
(32:48):
those things are and see whatthese success factors are.
Like I said, the securely withthe avoidant, and I'll leave you
guys with these.
The success factors for thesecure and avoidant are patience
, understanding and respectingthe avoidance.
Need for space With thesecurely attached and the
anxiously attached, it'scommunication, emotional support
(33:11):
and consistent, positiveresponsiveness, right,
nonjudgmental.
I understand why you have thesefears and you know what can I
do to help alleviate that.
So these are the healthyrelationships.
Next time we'll look at theunhealthy relationships.
Until then, thanks guys fortuning in.
I'll see you next time.
All right, everyone, welcome back to the God
Attachment Healing Podcast.
Thank you for being here.
I think today's topic is goingto be one that a lot of you are
going to be interested in,because I'm talking about the
most common attachment stylepairings, and I'm going to be
doing the healthy ones and theunhealthy ones.
So, yeah, so as you tune in,you're going to have a tendency
(00:30):
to want to observe these things,maybe in your own relationship,
but I do just want to cautionthat.
Remember that as we talk aboutthese different attachment
styles, attachment styles canchange with time, and I know
I've said that dozens of timeson the show.
But if you find yourself in anyone of these types of pairings,
(00:51):
I just want to give you thathope that you can change your
attachment style to be moresecure.
The other person can changetheir attachment style to be
more secure, which would helpboth of you become a secure
relationship.
So, yeah, so we're going totalk about that Now.
If you haven't done so already,please go to the Apple podcast.
(01:11):
Leave a review.
I love hearing from you guys,even when, on social media, you
can message me and suggest anytopics that you'd like me to
cover.
But you might be askingyourself the question.
You know why am I talking aboutattachment style pairings for
this episode?
And you know, one of the thingsthat I was thinking about was
(01:32):
well, I realized that God oftenheals people through
relationships Not just romanticrelationships, although that's
what I'm going to be talkingabout today, but he does heal us
through different relationships.
You know, it could be through aparent, it could be through a
boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse,mentor, and so on.
(01:54):
So I do believe that God usespeople in our lives to help heal
parts of us that need healing.
And you know, there's a lot ofemphasis in the New Testament
about community, about thechurch, about bearing each
other's burdens, about meetingeach other's needs.
So there's a lot that we canexplore regarding that.
(02:14):
So that's kind of how thisepisode came into play.
And also, just in general,people enjoy talking about
relationships.
Why?
Because it's such a big part ofour lives the people that we
interact with on a daily basis,the people that you grew up with
, people that maybe knew peoplein your life, and that's also a
blessing as well.
So we'll talk about thosedifferent attachment style
(02:38):
pairings.
You know one of the he also hasa podcast, adam Young.
It's called the Place we FindOurselves Really good podcast, a
lot attachment-based, and he,you know I kind of got this idea
from him as well is that weoften expect people to just heal
and come to the relationshipfully healed.
You know, and I think it sets upthis false expectation for why
(03:00):
people are so afraid to enterinto relationships.
For why people are so afraid toenter into relationships, they
feel that if they're not fullyhealed they're not worthy of a
relationship, or if they're inthe process of healing, that
they still have so much morework to do.
And that is true.
You know most of us, I think,can agree with that that
obviously there's always morehealing that we can do.
(03:21):
But in avoiding a relationshipthat could expose different
parts that need healing, wedon't allow for God to use those
relationships to actually healus.
And here's what I mean by that.
When you allow for fear todictate who you're going to
engage with, who you're going tointeract with, who you allow in
(03:42):
your inner circle, who you needto keep outside of that circle,
and so on, so you may need toavoid certain people that may
not be helping you in yourpersonal walk with Christ and at
the same time.
There's other people who youmay need to get close to and
take the initiative to get closeto in order to grow in your
relationship with Christ.
I was thinking about how I'vegrown up and I was trying to
(04:06):
remember just any timethroughout my childhood where
there wasn't a male role modelor figure in my life that was
investing in me at some point inmy life and for me.
You know, I grew up in adivorced home.
My parents got divorced when Iwas about 17.
They had separated for a whilewhen I was 11 or 12, and it was
(04:28):
only for a couple of monthsMaybe it was just a month, but
yeah.
When they finally divorced at17, I remember seeking out
mentors, just wanting forsomeone to spend time with me,
to invest in me, to know what itfeels like to receive that love
and care and guidance from ahealthy male figure.
(04:49):
And my dad it wasn't that hewasn't involved, I feel like he
didn't just know how to do it.
So the fact that we were alwayssurrounded by other men in his
life men in my life like thatwas helpful for me to heal in
certain areas of my life andeven now as an adult.
The Lord has always providedsomeone in that process.
(05:10):
But now, as we transition intowell, what does that mean for
not a mentorship relationship,but romantic relationships, and
how that affects our dynamic inour personal walk with Christ
and how that affects our dynamicin our personal walk with
Christ.
So that's why this idea oftalking about relationships and
the different attachment stylepairings came up is that I want
(05:34):
you to know what your attachmentstyle is, what the attachment
style dynamic is within yourrelationship, and how to know if
it's healthy or unhealthy.
So let's start first with thehealthy right.
So with both healthy attachmentstyle pairings, there's
obviously going to be one personwho is secure, okay, so we have
the secure and anxious, andthen we have the secure and
(05:57):
avoidant, and we'll explore whatthe dynamic looks like, some
challenges, some things thathelp the relationship, and then
we'll also talk about somedynamics, what every day could
look like for them as well.
So let's jump into the firstone, which is the secure and
anxious attachment style pairing.
(06:17):
Now, before I jump into that,this is one of the most common
attachment style pairings fromthe healthy perspective.
From the unhealthy perspective,we're going to see the anxious
and the most common attachmentstyle pairings from the healthy
perspective, from the unhealthyperspective, we're going to see
the anxious and the avoidantattachment style pairing, which
is the most common for theunhealthy.
Okay, so we'll start with thesecure and anxious and then
we'll move to secure andavoidant and then we'll jump
into the unhealthy attachmentstyle pairings.
(06:39):
So what does the dynamic looklike for a secure and anxious
attachment style?
Well, if we go back through anumber of episodes and if you've
been following this podcast fora while, you'll know that the
secure person tends to have apositive view of self and a
positive view of others, and thereason for that is because they
(07:00):
have been able to experiencetheir needs being met and being
able to trust others to be ableto meet those needs and, in turn
, because they've had thoseneeds met, they know how to meet
the needs of other people.
So this is a person who grew up, had very attentive parents,
had very understanding parentswho provide structure, provide
discipline, but, most of all,provided love and care.
(07:23):
For the anxious attachmentstyle, or for the anxious person
, their needs were not met allof the time.
Their needs were metinconsistently.
They didn't know if they weregoing to be met one day.
They may have been neglectedfor a little bit.
And then there was someinconsistency with the
(07:44):
attentiveness of the parents,right, and they continue to
experience this throughout life.
So it leaves them kind ofthinking well, is it because
they did something wrong?
Do I need to do somethingdifferent?
So they're always questioningtheir own worth in the
relationship.
So the anxious attachment stylehas a tends to have a negative
view of self and a high view ofothers or a positive view of
(08:05):
others.
So they kind of place people ona pedestal.
And they can do this inromantic relationships where
their partner is everything tothem and they place them on this
pedestal.
They can do no wrong becausethey're much better than they
are right.
So they see themselves as I'mthe problem, I'm the issue.
I need to fix things, I need to.
I did something wrong, so youknow it's me right.
(08:26):
So you have this dynamic of thesecure attachment or the
securely attached person andthis anxiously attached person.
And what does that look like?
So the dynamic in general isthe secure partner helps
alleviate the anxious partner'sfears and works to establish a
(08:47):
sense of reassurance andstability.
And they don't have a problemwith that right, because
typically what you find inunhealthy relationships is when
one is asking.
In this case, an anxiouspartner is asking for attention
or is asking for reassurance orseeking stability.
The other partner may get upsetand may think that they're
being too demanding or may thinkthat they're being too picky
(09:10):
about everything, so they getfrustrated, right.
But a securely attached personjust sees that as man, this
person really needs me to bepresent.
They need this reassurance andI don't have a problem with that
because I know that's what Iappreciate and I receive that.
So I can only imagine what it'slike for this person to not
feel that way and what can I do?
And they'll explore optionslike is there anything that
(09:32):
makes you feel safe?
Is there anything that can makeyou feel more stable in our
relationship?
Like, what's missing?
They're more open to talkingabout that because they want to
meet those needs.
Right, and the securely attachedperson is impacted by the
anxiously attached person, butit's only in small ways, right?
(09:54):
For example, the anxiouslyattached person may ask for more
time.
Hey, you know, I've noticedyou've been working a lot lately
and I just I feel like I needmore, more time.
Like you're not really, um,you're around, but I don't feel
that you're fully around.
So the securely attached personmight see that and instead of
becoming defensive, they'll lookat that and say you know what?
(10:15):
You're?
Right I have been.
I have been working a lot and Ihaven't realized that I was
neglecting my relationship.
So what can we do about it?
Right, they immediately jumpinto an understanding and
empathetic approach to solvingthe problem.
Right, so they'll look at theirpartner's concern with that
(10:36):
with that attentiveness, like,okay, oh, I'm sorry, I didn't
realize that I was doing that.
Right, Because the securelyattached person isn't perfect.
So when they do make mistakes,they're able to acknowledge or
wanting to understand where theanxious partner is coming from.
Right, so what the securelyattached person does is that
they alleviate their fears byaddressing them openly and
(10:59):
honestly, non-judgmentally andwith with a care and empathic
tone.
Right, they want to solve theproblem and their core self,
their identity, is not impactedby the concerns of the anxious
partner.
So the anxious partner can'trely and their fears and
(11:19):
emotions will be alleviated bythe secure partner's response to
them, bringing up those issuesright.
One of the key things thatyou'll find in a secure and
anxious attachment-style pairingis that they're going to be big
on communication.
There needs to be emotionalsupport and it's contingent on
(11:41):
the secure partner's consistentresponsiveness to those issues,
right?
Remember, the anxiouslyattached partner has received
care, but not consistently.
There's been times where theyhaven't received care.
There's been times where theyhaven't feel loved or worn love.
There's been times where theirneeds weren't met.
(12:02):
So they never knew what was thereason for that.
Why are my needs not being metall the time, or most of the
time at least?
So they have these questions andimmediately, because of the
negative view of self, they'lllook at themselves and say what
am I doing wrong?
Did I do something wrong?
Is something wrong with me?
What can I do to make thisperson love me better?
(12:24):
Right?
So even though the securepartner is wanting to meet those
needs, the anxiously attachedpartner can still ask themselves
, like gosh, what am I doingwrong?
Why is he always at work?
Or why is she always doing thisthing over here?
Why can't she be more attentive?
Is it something that I'm doing?
What can I do differently?
(12:45):
Right?
So they put all the blame onthemselves and the secure
partner reminds them that no,you know, this is something that
I'm doing.
What can I do differently?
Right?
So they put all the blame onthemselves and the secure
partner reminds them that no,you know, this is something that
we need to talk through.
Let's talk about it.
You know, why is it that we'refeeling a little bit distant?
Why is it that I'm getting soinvolved in work and you're
feeling unloved, like, let'stalk about it, right?
So there's high communication,high emotional support and
(13:05):
understanding of where theanxious partner is coming from.
Okay, but the key for the securepartner is to be consistently
positively responsive to thoseconcerns of the anxious partner.
Right, they have some fearsthat may be legitimate and some
(13:25):
fears that may not be legitimate, right?
So fears that may have reasonand fears that don't have any
reason, nothing to do with thestatus of the relationship.
So those are things that thesecure partner can tend to, and
do so in a humble and caringmanner.
(13:45):
Right Now, some of thechallenges that may come up, and
specifically with the anxiouspartner, is that they may still
struggle with insecurity.
Okay, and that's okay.
Again, as time goes on, the moreconsistently responsive that
the secure partner is, the lessstruggle with that insecurity
that the anxious partner willhave.
(14:05):
But if the anxiety and theinsecurity becomes too much for
the anxious partner, it couldlead to potential conflicts if
the secure partner fails tocommunicate effectively.
Okay, so communication is keyhere because, again, the secure
partner wants to fix thoseproblems, so he'll address it.
And the anxious partner willlook at that and say, well, you
(14:29):
know, is it something that I'mdoing wrong?
Are you really telling me thetruth, like, is it really
nothing to do with me?
And the secure partnerreassures and says no, it's
nothing to do with you, let'stalk about this and let's figure
out a way to resolve this.
Right?
But if there are high levels ofinsecurity for the anxious
partner again, and they keepbringing that up, it could start
(14:49):
to negatively affect therelationship.
Okay, so that kind of gives youan overview of what that dynamic
of a secure and anxious partnerwill look like.
And the view of themselves andthe view of their partner is key
here, again, for the secure,positive view, view of self,
positive view of the other.
So they're going to see theseconcerns, as you know, it
(15:11):
doesn't mean that they're bad orthat they're.
They're less than becausethey're having these fears or
that they don't, uh, they're notas committed to the
relationship.
They just see them as people.
Right, you're just a personwho's struggling with, um,
feeling secure in therelationship, and that's okay.
What can I do to help with thatFor the anxiously attached
(15:32):
partner?
They're going to look at thatand say, no, you're such a great
partner, I love that you'rehere, I love that you're
supportive, I love that youcommunicate with me, but I feel
like there's something wrongwith me.
I feel like I can do better.
Right, so that constantconversation with themselves can
affect how they show up to therelationship and also what they
(15:53):
communicate to the securepartner.
Right, so some everydaydynamics that can come into play
.
Right?
So let's talk about maybe amorning routine.
Right, the secure partner wakesup, offers a living greeting,
providing the anxious partnerwith a sense of reassurance for
the day ahead.
Right, so that's a good way foran anxious partner to start
(16:15):
their day right.
Just a simple act of hey, goodmorning, how are you?
You know, I hope you have agood day, kiss, goodbye, and so
on.
That provides reassurance forthe anxious partner.
Right?
And what about throughout theday?
What does that look like?
Well, because they need thatreassurance, because they need
(16:35):
that safety and stability, maybea couple of text messages
throughout the day.
Right, where the anxiouspartner makes a couple of texts,
kind of seeking validation orjust checking in.
The secure partner is not goingto have a problem with that.
They're just going to promptlyrespond and affirm what they're
feeling.
Oh hey, thanks for checking in.
I really appreciate that.
And again, all of these aresmall little acts throughout the
(16:56):
day that provide a sense ofsecurity, the secure partner.
That's why we're talking aboutthese healthier relationships
secure with anxious, secure withavoidant.
We're seeing how the securepartner can change the dynamic
of the relationship, right.
So, for example, if we look ata quadrant, let's say right here
on the screen, so let's say thesecure partner's here and the
(17:17):
anxious partner's here, let'ssay they're really anxious,
right, and as they interact morewith the secure partner and
they are consistent in theirbehavior towards them, this
person just gets a little bitmore secure and more secure and
more secure or less anxious,less anxious, less anxious and,
you know, stays at a low levelof anxiety or actually becomes
(17:39):
secure in the relationshipbecause of how the secure
partner is showing up.
I feel like I'm repeatingeverything so much because I'm
saying secure, anxious, secure,anxious.
But hopefully you're capturing,kind of this dynamic between
the secure and the anxiouspartner.
So how do they handle conflict?
Well, if something arises Ikind of addressed this already
(17:59):
the secure partner can addressit calmly and they want to
emphasize communication.
And that helps the anxiouspartner see that and say, okay,
they want to solve this problem,like they're not just leaving
me to myself, they're notgetting upset at me for bringing
up these issues, right, theyare affirming how I'm feeling
and so on, right.
(18:20):
So again, that changes thedynamic of the relationship,
which is why we consider this ahealthy pairing okay of the
relationship, which is why weconsider this a healthy pairing.
So the secure and avoidantthough it looks a lot different,
but still, the secure personcan impact the avoidant in such
a way where they can become lessavoidant.
So in the first pairing, whereyou have someone who's highly
(18:42):
anxious, they become lessanxious.
With the avoidant, with theavoidant partner, they become
less avoidant.
So they want to engage more asopposed to isolate themselves
and withdraw from the situation.
The secure partner helps theavoidant one feel safe enough to
gradually engage emotionally.
(19:02):
Okay.
So let's think back again as towhy is there an avoidant
attachment style?
Why did this person becomeavoidant?
Well, this person didn't gettheir needs met.
Right person become avoidant.
Well, this person didn't gettheir needs met right.
It's not even a matter ofconsistency, it was just that
they were neglected or they justcouldn't really depend on
anyone growing up.
So what they do is that theylearn to depend on themselves
(19:24):
and not really create a sense oftrust with other people, like
they'll have it.
But they're always questioningwhether or not they should right
Because they've been hurtbefore.
So they rely on those pastexperiences.
That informs how they'reshowing up in relationships and
they have this small doubt thatthe secure partner will at some
point fail them right.
They can't be that perfect.
(19:46):
They can't be that person who'salways attentive and meeting my
needs.
You know this is sketchy, thisis a little bit.
This is different for me.
I've never experienced thisbefore, right.
So that's kind of the thinkingbehind and in their minds is
that they're questioning whetherthe secure person is actually
(20:08):
going to maintain a consistentlevel of commitment and approach
to the relationship.
They're expecting for them tofail.
And when they do right, even ifit's one, two, three times,
they see that and they say see,it's just exactly like I
predicted they were going tofail me and it could be
something small, it could besomething big, right, whatever
(20:28):
it is, it doesn't matter.
It's just the fact that theyfailed them in some way, shape
or form reinforces the beliefthat they can't trust them.
So that's something that theavoidant, the attached partner,
would have to work through.
But again, the securely attachedperson can help them with that,
because they're going to showup consistently.
They're going to want to meettheir needs, they're going to be
(20:48):
patient with them.
Right, and this is part of thesuccess factors that they have
is that there's patience,there's understanding and, in a
very huge way, the securepartner understands the
avoidance need for space.
Right, they don't getthreatened by it, like when the
avoidant partner pulls away,they see it more as okay, well,
they just need some time toprocess, right?
(21:10):
Maybe the avoidant goes out fora walk, or maybe they go for a
drive, or maybe they just kindof pull away and shut down a
little bit.
The securely attached partnerlooks at that and says, okay,
they're just processing.
Remember, this doesn't mean Iwant to make sure I'm clear with
this the secure partner is notperfect, meaning it's not that
they're never going to have anynegative emotions or responses
(21:31):
to these behaviors, but it doesmean that, in general, the
majority of the time they arewanting to meet the needs of the
other person, they don't seethem in a negative light.
They can accept them for whothey are and their understanding
of why they are the way thatthey are right.
That doesn't mean that theydon't get frustrated at times or
(21:55):
that they understand everysingle feeling that the avoidant
or anxious person is feeling.
It's that in general, theyunderstand that they're people,
right, that we're sinners, thatwe have flaws and all of those
different things, right.
So when the avoidant pulls away, the securely attached
individual understands that thatmay be a way in which they've
(22:16):
learned to cope and that's okay,right, they'll give them some
space and then they'll check inand say, hey, are you ready to
talk about this now, like whatcan we do to solve this problem?
And they'll wait for theavoidant to be ready.
And that's what the avoidantneeds, right, they just want
space.
Let me process, let me figurethis out first, and then we can
(22:38):
re-engage.
The avoidant fears intimacy,right, and part of the securely
attached individual's process isthat they want to develop that
level of intimacy, to talk aboutthings, to know more about the
avoidant right.
But the avoidant feels like ifI share too much, you're going
to use this against me.
Or again you're going to failme in some way, shape or form.
I don't know.
If I share too much, you'regoing to use this against me.
Or again you're going to failme in some way, shape or form.
I don't know if I can reallytrust you with this.
So what the avoidant will doearly on in the relationship is
(23:02):
that they'll test those waters.
They'll share a little bit, seehow the other person responds,
share a little bit more, see howthey respond, share some more
and more and more Right.
And then, as they see thisconsistent, positive,
non-judgmental response to howthey cope with things, they
start to gain a little bit moretrust and a little bit more
trust.
(23:22):
Again, it's a two-way street,right?
Though the securely attachedperson can do this on a
consistent basis, they do gettired in the process, right?
If it's not reciprocated, likeany.
I think any relationship wouldfeel that when efforts are not
reciprocated to the other person, you know you get tired,
(23:42):
emotionally, spiritually,mentally, physically even.
Right, it affects the way thatyou show up.
But again, we're talking ingeneral.
The securely attached personwill be able to meet those needs
and understand and know thatintimacy with the avoidant is
going to take some time, muchmore time than it would with an
anxiously attached individual.
(24:03):
Right so the avoidant fearsintimacy.
The securely attached persontakes his or her time to engage
in certain levels of intimacywith that person, right?
So those are some of thosedynamics between the secure and
the avoidant.
What do everyday dynamics looklike?
Well, after a long day thesecure partner could initiate
(24:24):
quality time.
Maybe let's watch a movie,right, there's no deep
engagement in conversation, butmaybe just spending time
together like that, watching amovie or going for a walk or
exercising together.
Whatever the case is justthey're again trying to find
solutions or ways to beconsistently present for the
avoidant which the avoidant hasnot experienced before.
(24:44):
Right, so the avoidant partnermay enjoy the time but may need
some time alone also to recharge.
So it's almost kind of like anintrovert, right?
Typically the description of anavoidant type would be kind of
the strong, silent type.
Right, they need to do thingson their own, they've done
things by themselves, they'revery independent, so they don't
(25:05):
really depend on other people,right, but with the securely
attached person they learn todepend on them because they're
trustworthy, they've shown, theyhave a record of being able to
meet needs, of being able toaddress things in a in a calm
way, of providing space rightthat they need.
So, again, all of that buildstrust for the avoidantly
(25:25):
attached Individual right.
Anytime if they need personaltime, the secure partner
understands and reinforces hey,it's okay, I know you need space
and I don't feel rejectedbecause of it.
I understand that this is theway that you handle things and
that's okay and that alleviatesa lot of that pressure for the
avoidant to engage in longconversations or to crave more
(25:50):
intimacy with that person, toreally talk about things that
are bothering them and so on.
There could be some emotionalcheck-ins that the secure
partner does right.
Hey, you know, how are youfeeling about this?
You know, even though theavoiding partner might not feel
safe enough to share, they willdo so with time right, they
first want to see thateverything that the secure
(26:13):
partner does has been consistentand ongoing and that they can
trust in what they're doingright.
So very, very important tounderstand that and they will,
and this couple will experiencethe benefits of exploring this
(26:34):
dynamic right that, again, thesecure partner will eventually
pull the avoidant partner to beless avoidance and to try to
engage more.
Right and again, it could stillmake the securely attached
individual feel maybe a littlebit unseen or misunderstood.
But again, because they knowtheir core self and who they are
(26:55):
, you know they try to meet theneeds of the other person as
best way as they can, and someof that the biggest needs for
the avoidant attachment style isspace.
So that's kind of what we, whatwe see here with this, with
this dynamic.
Now I thought I was going to beable to get to the see here,
with this dynamic Now I thoughtI was going to be able to get to
(27:16):
the unhealthy attachment stylepairings, but I think I'm going
to save that for next time.
I think I covered a lot withthese two healthy pairings and I
hope that it's helpful.
But let me also address thisother aspect of what does this
have to do with God attachment?
Right?
I mean we see this in scripture, where there's a lot of people
(27:39):
in the Bible that were runningaway from God.
Right, I'm thinking about Jonahright now.
What was it about hisrelationship with God that made
him feel like he needed to runaway from the mission that God
had for him?
Right?
Was it the mission itself ordid it have something to do with
his relationship with God?
What was it with Abraham to runaway from the mission that God
(28:01):
had for him?
Right?
Was it the mission itself ordid it have something to do with
his relationship with God?
What was it with Abraham thatmade him feel so willing to
sacrifice his own son on thealtar right?
What made him willing to beable to do that?
I think any parent wouldnaturally resist that command
right and not want to do it andnot see a purpose for that.
But Abraham's faith in God wasso strong and there was a secure
(28:25):
relationship that he trustedthat whatever it was that God
was going to do, it was going tobe to his benefit.
Right and again.
That's the type of level oftrust that we want to establish,
not just in our earthlyrelationship but our
relationship with God.
How much do you trust him?
How much do you see that heunderstands what you're going
through I mean Hebrews 12 talksabout that right that he
(28:46):
understands that we don't have ahigh priest who doesn't know
what we're experiencing, but hehas experienced everything
himself, because he came toearth to be a man, to experience
everything that we've everexperienced and to die on the
cross for our sins to be raisedagain on the third day.
And now sits at the right hand.
We'll come back one day, right?
So we have this trust and thisbelief of God's consistent
(29:09):
attentiveness to the needs thatwe have, to the needs that we
have, not the wants that we have, but the needs.
He always seeks ways to meetour needs and sometimes that's
through a romantic relationship,right?
Sometimes it's throughmentorship, sometimes through
family members, sometimesthrough friendship and sometimes
(29:31):
through romantic relationships.
Like.
God uses the church, christiancommunity, to meet certain needs
, to bear one another's burdens,right, all the one another's.
That you can find in the NewTestament.
That's the purpose of theChristian body, right, of the
church.
(29:51):
So when you think about theserelationship dynamics, right,
and hopefully you've been ableto identify kind of are you more
secure or more anxious?
There's a radical level ofhonesty that you have to have
with yourself here as to are yousecure, are you anxious?
Are you avoidant, disorganized,which is kind of this fearful,
avoidant, and I'll talk aboutthat at some point down the road
(30:13):
and I have talked about it, butmaybe I'll do one on
relationships.
You have to be honest withyourself.
Like do you, when you get closein relationships, do you become
highly anxious and questioneverything about the
relationship and question yourown worth and value?
And is it something that you'redoing wrong, sometimes
(30:34):
contributing to the feelings ofrejection and being unwanted and
so on?
Right, do you respond more inthat way?
Or do you respond like theavoidant, that you want to
withdraw, you want to pull back,you don't know if you trust the
other person fully, likethere's always doubts,
something's going to go wrong,like.
If you respond like that, likeown that about yourself so that
you can move towards being lessof what or move towards being
(30:57):
less anxious, right, that youmove towards a secure base and
relationship.
And if you are secure, thenknow that about yourself too.
That you can, through yourconsistent behaviors towards the
other person of loving andcaring and wanting to meet their
needs, you can help them changetheir attachment style.
Right, you don't intentionallylook to help someone else, right
(31:20):
, you're not their savior inthat sense, but there are some
attachment styles.
Again, that these pairings,that they can influence each
other.
Right, if you get the closestfive people in your circle, you
will be influenced by them andin a relationship, five people
in your circle.
You will be influenced by themand in a relationship, the
person that you're withinfluences a lot of who you are.
So if you're with a secureattachment, securely attached
(31:41):
individual, they're going toimpact you and they're going to
move you towards becoming lessanxious, move you towards
becoming less avoidant right, ifyou are a securely attached
individual, then you're going tohelp people move in that
direction as well and you might.
Again, like I said, you can beaffected by these relationships.
So if you typically securelyattached individual will know
(32:04):
when to set boundaries, when topull away from a relationship
that's arming them or that'snegatively affecting them,
they'll be able to set thoseboundaries.
Or that's negatively affectingthem, they'll be able to set
those boundaries right.
But in general, a securelyattached individual can see
those things and they'll pullaway.
But if they see hope and theyactually see that the
relationship is positive andit's impacting them in a
(32:26):
positive way, they'll stay in itright and they'll see change,
and they typically see change inthe other person, which is why
they continue to invest in thatrelationship.
Okay, so yeah, securely attachedindividuals with anxious and
securely attached with anavoidant, those can work and
they can be healthy.
It's just a matter of beingable to identify and see what
(32:48):
those things are and see whatthese success factors are.
Like I said, the securely withthe avoidant, and I'll leave you
guys with these.
The success factors for thesecure and avoidant are patience
, understanding and respectingthe avoidance.
Need for space With thesecurely attached and the
anxiously attached, it'scommunication, emotional support
(33:11):
and consistent, positiveresponsiveness, right,
nonjudgmental.
I understand why you have thesefears and you know what can I
do to help alleviate that.
So these are the healthyrelationships.
Next time we'll look at theunhealthy relationships.
Until then, thanks guys fortuning in.
I'll see you next time.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!