November 19, 2025 • 44 mins
Send Me Questions on Attachment
What if healing doesn’t happen in isolation, but in the friction and tenderness of a committed relationship? We take a clear-eyed look at why romantic commitment can catalyze growth in ways friendship and mentorship rarely reach, and how that truth fits with a robust, Christ-centered life. Starting in Genesis, we revisit the line “it is not good that man should be alone” and unpack why that’s not a critique of God’s sufficiency, but a gift of human design—formation through another person, modeled after Christ and the church.
We walk through a biopsychosocial-spiritual framework for change: how bonded pairs co-regulate the body, how intimacy surfaces hidden scripts and fears, how shared burdens build resilience, and how scripture, prayer, and community keep desire aligned with truth. You’ll hear a practical roadmap for rupture and repair—misunderstandings, pauses, returns, and reconciliations—that slowly nurture secure attachment and emotional regulation. We also name the cultural fatigue around dating, the temptation to retreat into self-protection, and the courage it takes to be fully known without shutting down under shame.
This conversation is not a sales pitch for marriage as a cure-all, nor does it dismiss singleness as a faithful calling. It’s an invitation to examine whether avoidance, not vocation, is steering your choices—and to see how forgiveness, grace, and redemption take on flesh inside a covenant. If you’ve wondered why vulnerability matters, how to pursue wisely, or where faith meets attachment science, this one will meet you with clarity and compassion.
If this resonates, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs hope, and leave a rating or review so more listeners can find these conversations. Have thoughts or questions? Email slconnect08@gmail.com or DM us on Instagram at godattachmenthealing.
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MY HOPE FOR YOU
I hope these episodes bring you closer to Christ and encourage you in your walk with Him. Meditating on Scripture, Being committed to prayer, and Seeking Christian community are all essential to helping us learn more of who He is and who He made us to be.
ABOUT ME 👇
I have been a Christ-follower for the last 20+ years of my life, and have seen the Lord's grace, strength, and faithfulness through it all. He led me to pursue a degree in higher education and has given me a gift for the field of counseling.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:05):
Alright everyone, welcome back to the God
Attachment Healing Podcast.
We are moving into this newseason, season five.
And last week, as you all know,we did episode 100, which is a
huge accomplishment.
And now I'm just looking forwardto continuing to talk about God
attachment and how that appliesto our relationships and how it
(00:26):
applies to how we understandourselves, the church, and how
we understand obviously ourrelationship with God.
So I'm looking forward to thistopic.
Uh, you know, there is a messagein the culture that is highly
individualized, that is highlyfocused on the self.
And today I'm gonna try tochallenge that belief by
(00:50):
starting off with a topic title,which is You Need a Relationship
to Heal.
So hopefully I can elaborate onthis topic as well as I want to,
and we're gonna start off prettystrong.
I'm excited to see where thisgoes.
And again, I'm focusing a lot onthose three pieces of our
(01:12):
identity, which is ourrelationship to self,
relationship to others, and ourrelationship to Jesus.
And I hope the Jays can join thejourney.
Again, this is gonna continue togo strong, and I'm looking
forward to all the topics that Ihave planned for the next couple
of weeks.
Number of interviews, which I'msure you will be interested in.
(01:32):
Have some great guests who willbe coming on the show.
And yeah, as always, just tryingto provide you with as much
value as I can through thispodcast, and uh hopefully it's
been a blessing to you.
So, yeah, well, let's go aheadand start with the topic.
I mean, the the topic reallycommunicates something that may
be a contradiction to whatyou've been taught or what
(01:55):
you've heard in the culture,that you need a relationship to
heal.
Now, when we think about thistopic, you will often hear that
when I say a relationship toheal, you're probably going to
think of a romanticrelationship.
And you would be correct inassuming that.
And I share that because if youstart to think about the idea of
(02:18):
having a relationship to heal,like we emphasize family, we
emphasize friendship, weemphasize mentorship, meeting
with leaders, uh, having yourgirls, your guys, you know,
people that you spend time with,home groups, whatever the case
is, right?
All of these things, we say, oh,this brings healing, this brings
(02:41):
healing, we need this, we needcommunity, we need to be there
for one another, right?
And that's true, right?
I mean, the Bible talks aboutthat a lot.
I mean, Paul addresses itaddresses it a lot in the New
Testament about needing to bewith one another, to bear one
another's burdens, right?
To to share truth with oneanother.
(03:01):
And we have all of theseencouragements to be with one
another, but for some reason, Imean, I know why, and I'm going
to explain that in a little bit.
We have also believed, or wehave included in that belief
system that we don't needromantic relationships.
(03:22):
And by that I mean whether it bedating, engagement, marriage,
we've come to believe that we'rebetter off on our own and that
we can actually that we can growon our own without a romantic
relationship.
And I really started to thinkabout that concept a lot because
that is not what we find in inscripture.
(03:46):
Now, in having conversationswith friends about singlehood
and what does that look like,and who do who should I look
for, and and what qualitiesshould this person have?
Like all of these things, right?
We talk about it all of thetime, and yet we try to convince
ourselves that we don't needthat relationship to be happy.
(04:06):
On the other hand, is that ifyou are seeking a relationship
to be happy, we almost demonizethat idea or that feeling or
that thought.
And we kind of shame each otherinto thinking that, well,
shouldn't Jesus be enough?
Like if you are really centeredin your relationship with
Christ, then you wouldn't reallydesire these things as strongly
(04:31):
as you are.
And obviously, I don't find thatto be true, a true statement.
And I'm gonna challenge thatbelief because um we do need
that romantic relationship.
Again, whether it be dating,engagement, marriage, whatever
stage you're in right now, um,as a single person, right?
(04:52):
I think that the culture hastricked us into thinking that
we're better off on our own thanbeing in a relationship.
And the way that I've understoodthat message is that it's easier
to not be in a romanticrelationship than it is to be
one.
(05:12):
But the reason why it's easieris because you're not having to
face yourself, you're not havingto face the maybe areas of
weakness in your life, um, somedeficiencies, some areas of
growth, and it just makes iteasier to avoid romantic
(05:35):
relationships because romanticrelationships don't bring out
the same thing that friendships,relationship with your parents,
uh mentorships, church leaders,uh other social settings would
bring out, right?
Romantic relationshipsrelationships are really going
to bring out a different part ofus because we're invested in it
(05:57):
differently, right?
We're seeking a companion forlife.
You're seeking someone who youcan share your life with,
someone who you can grow inChrist together.
And when you choose that person,really everything else is a
supplement to that relationship,right?
So and we find this in inGenesis, right?
(06:19):
Which is, and obviously it's apopular verse that you all know,
but I've asked myself thatquestion is well, if that if
God, if Jesus is all we need,then why did he find it
necessary to bring us a spouse?
Why did he find that necessaryto provide Adam with a wife?
(06:42):
And obviously the obvious answerto that is to populate the world
and to make way, obviously,because he knows the future
plan, to make way for the comingof Christ to save humanity,
right?
To save us from ourselves, tosave our souls from our sinful
nature so that we can berestored in relationship with
(07:02):
him and be able to live with himfor eternity, right?
So he obviously knew the bigplan behind everything, but he
has also set up the structurefor what life would look like on
this earth as we seek him and aswe build this relationship with
him.
And in Genesis, that's what wefind, right?
(07:24):
He creates the world, he createsnight and day, uh, the animals
and makes man, and it's him andAdam in the garden together
enjoying their fellowship,right?
And if we look at uh Genesis andwe look at chapter two, verse
15, it says, Then the Lord Godtook the man and put him in the
(07:47):
garden of Eden to work it andkeep it.
Okay, so he gives him a job,right?
And the Lord commanded the man,saying, You may surely eat of
every tree of the garden, but ofthe tree of the knowledge of
good and evil you shall not eat,for in the day that you eat of
it, you shall surely die.
Right?
So he gives them theseinstructions, kind of sets up
the stage.
(08:07):
Here's where you're gonna live.
We're gonna enjoy this together,go on and enjoy the garden,
right?
But avoid that tree of theknowledge of good and evil,
because you will surely die.
So not just a physical death,but also a spiritual death as
well.
But we all turn our attentionnow to Genesis 2, verse 18,
where it says, Then the Lord Godsaid, It is not good for man to
(08:33):
be alone, or that man should bealone, as it says in the ESV
version.
So we look at that and we say,Okay, so this is the first time
in scripture that we're readingup until this point that God
says that something is not good.
Everything else was good, right?
It was good that he created man,good that he created uh the
(08:54):
earth, good everything was good,and God saw that it was good.
But this is the first time inscripture that we see that it is
not good, specifically that Adamwas alone, right?
So we look at that and we say,okay, so why did God say that
it's not good for man to bealone?
(09:15):
Was he not enough?
Right?
There could be a question thatcould come up.
It has nothing to do with Godnot being enough.
Obviously, he is, and he wasthat for Adam, but he also looks
out for things that can enhanceour lives as well, right?
Part of God's goodness is togive to us or to provide for us
(09:40):
what we need.
And he found that necessary forman to need a woman, to need a
spouse, right?
So the very first relationshipthat's established outside of
our relationship with God wasthis marriage commitment, Adam
and Eve, romantic relationship,right?
So he creates this, andobviously we know the story from
(10:03):
there on is that in chapterthree, we then see the fall of
man.
They, the first emotion thatthey experienced was shame.
They go and hide themselves.
God seeks for them, you know, uhthey blame each other, and
eventually God kind of putsthese curses on them and he
kicks them out of the garden,right?
And then we see all through upuntil Genesis six the continuous
(10:27):
fall of man, and now how, andthen how God saved uh mankind
through Noah and so on, right?
So we hear the story, movesforward all up until Christ's
birth, um, until Jesus' birth,and then obviously we know he
dies for our sins, raises againon the third day, and now lives
in the right on the right handof God the Father.
(10:48):
And now we wait for him, right?
We wait for his coming.
And all of this again points tothe fact that the very first
relationship that Godestablished on earth was this
romantic relationship, thismarriage between man and woman,
right?
In the New Testament, we seePaul continuously tell us to,
(11:13):
you know, he gives us the oneanother's, right?
And I think today in the church,what we've done is that we've
emphasized that so much, butinterestingly enough, we've
avoided or or demonized or uhput in a negative light the
relationship, the romanticrelationship.
And I know where that stemsfrom, right?
If we look at the culture, evenin Christian culture, that
(11:37):
dating today has turned intosomething that is not a pleasant
experience.
So it would make sense why wedon't really want to pay
attention to that as much, or tobecome jaded and understand that
people are not just are notwanting the same things.
But I think it's it's done quitea it's had quite a negative
(12:02):
effect on the culture and evenon our faith.
Because again, the the marriagerelationship was to demonstrate
to us and to illustrate to usthe relationship between Christ
and the church, right?
So the model that we weresupposed to look at and that
we're supposed to seek out tohelp us understand that
(12:23):
relationship between Christ andthe church better is the one
that we have continually put tothe side.
And we've said, you know, nolonger is it good.
I'm just gonna do my own thing.
If the Lord brings someonegreat, if he doesn't, that's
also great too.
And I I think that's the wrongperspective.
Um, and I, you know, I can speakfor both the men and the women
(12:44):
in regards to what their role isin this whole process or how we
can change the conversationaround this topic, but we have
created a culture now where bothmen and women are scared to
enter romantic relationshipsbecause it it's going to mean
that we're gonna have to bevulnerable and we're going to
(13:05):
have to be fully known bysomeone else.
And we don't really experiencethat in friendships,
relationship with parents,siblings in the church,
mentorship.
Like we don't, it's not the samething, it's very different,
right?
Obviously, all of those areshared in scripture about, you
know, we see Timothy beingdiscipled by Paul.
(13:28):
Uh, we so it's a mentorshippiece.
Uh, again, the relationship ofbrothers and sisters within the
church, right?
This family unit.
But the relationship between manand woman in a romantic setting
in a marriage is very differentthan those other relationships.
So the question becomes, well,why should we then seek that
(13:50):
out?
I mean, are we as Christians nowsaying that we don't want to
pursue relationships anymore,romantic relationships?
And you know, there's two sidesto this.
On one side, you have people whoare completely jaded, want
nothing to do with seeking out arelationship.
And then on the other hand, youhave people who are constantly
wanting to fill that void andwanting to see what it what it
(14:12):
could be and feelingdisappointed and frustrated
because they're not finding whatthey're looking for, right?
So, how do we find that balance?
How do we know how do we attachourselves in a healthy way to
other people?
And I think the the significantfactor here is the fear, the
fear of being rejected, the fearof not being wanted, even the
(14:35):
fear of being fully known,right?
All of these fears are pushingus away from the one
relationship that teaches usthat can model for us what the
relationship between Christ andthe church should be.
So my argument is that you doneed to be in relationship with
(14:57):
others because that is the onlyway that you'll be able to heal.
Now, again, if you were taking aspiritual approach, right?
I'm taking a biopsychosocial,spiritual approach to this.
And what I'm saying by that isthat all of these areas of our
lives need healing, right?
So the biological, it's yourbody, take care of your body,
(15:18):
the psychological, how youthink, right?
We can use God's word to help usunderstand and create our
worldview about the world aroundus.
Um, there's the emotional,understanding how we feel about
certain things, about certainpeople, um, how we feel about
ourselves, right?
And then there's the spiritualand how we understand our
relationship with God.
(15:38):
So all of these things play ahuge role in in our growth as
human beings, but moreimportantly, in our relationship
with God.
You know, interestingly, in theculture, Christians, you'll
you'll hear them say, well, youdon't need a romance
relationship to be happy, right?
Which then kind of begs thequestion, well, why do we need
family?
(15:59):
Why do we need friendships?
Why do we need mentorships?
Do we need any of these at all?
Right.
So we start to highlight allthese other relationships where,
yes, there's depth, right?
I can assume that you have ahealthy relationship with your
family, um, that you have a bestfriend that you share a lot
with, uh, maybe even that youhave a mentor that you allow to
(16:19):
pour into your life, right?
So we emphasize all these otherareas, but even within those, I
don't think they create the sametype of vulnerability and
openness that a romanticrelationship brings to the
table.
Um and that can be scary, right?
And maybe that's why weemphasize the other one so much,
because we don't have to shareeverything else so deeply.
(16:43):
And by the way, even in theserelationships, friendships,
family, uh, mentorships, wedon't really share everything.
The people don't really livewith us.
Family might, right?
You if you still live with yourparents or you live with your
siblings, you live with youknow, any family member,
obviously they're gonna knowyou.
But you know, we've done apretty good job, or we can do a
(17:04):
pretty good job of kind ofkeeping certain things to
ourselves.
Now, you can do that in arelationship too, but what I'm
saying is that romanticrelationships, the whole point
of it is to be vulnerable withthe other person.
They know you.
There's this this ah, there'sthis desire to know someone
(17:24):
fully and to be fully known andto be accepted for that.
And we all want that, right?
So that's why we have thisdesire to want to establish
these types of relationships.
So what happens when we don'thave these relationships, or we
when we get jaded from seekingout these relationships, we miss
(17:48):
out on understanding God in alight that He intended to show
us, which is through thisromantic relationship.
And and again, when I sayromantic relationship, I'm
talking about dating,engagement, leading into
marriage, right?
Uh people who are wantingmarriage because marriage is
what is reflecting thatrelationship between Christ and
(18:09):
the church, right?
And it gives us a betterunderstanding of wow, if Christ
treated the church that way, howmuch better does he treat me as
his son, as his daughter, right?
And you start to understand thatrelationship a lot differently,
right?
So um this then leads us intowanting to understand, okay, so
(18:31):
why do we need theserelationships?
What is so different about itthat I can't receive in
friendships, family, andmentorship?
So here's my my my points, thepoints that I want to make,
excuse me, the points that Iwant to make regarding the need
to have romantic relationships.
(18:54):
It's it's one of those thingswhere I think it fights against
not just uh the culture itself,but also even Christian culture
or church culture, um, where theemphasis has mostly been made
on, you know, you need to seekthe Lord out with all your
heart, all your mind, and allyour soul.
And I am emphasizing that.
So I don't want to confuse you.
(19:14):
I don't want to say that that'snot what you should be doing.
Yes, we need to be following Godwith all our minds, all our
hearts, all our souls, and allowourselves to grow into becoming
more like Christ.
But within that, the Lord alsouses people to help us become
(19:35):
more like Him, right?
That's the whole point of thechurch.
That's the whole point ofmarriage.
That's the whole point infriendships, right?
As you continue to know eachother deeper and deeper, there
is this element of exposingdifferent areas of your life
that still need to be refined,right?
And because I think friendshipsand family and mentorships don't
(19:56):
bring out everything, or becausethey're not around us all of the
time, I think it's limited inits impact to continue to
sharpen and grow us.
But when you enter into amarriage relationship, it really
does expose a lot of who you areand really does do a different
type of sharpening in your life,right?
Now, this is not to say thatthose who are single cannot
(20:18):
continue to be sharpened.
What I'm saying is that thereare different relationships that
bring out different parts of youand refine also different parts
of you.
So, what are some of the thingsthat you can gain from seeking
or being in a romantic dating,engagement, marriage,
relationship?
Well, one of them is does it itcan actually foster secure
(20:41):
attachment and emotionalregulation?
Okay, so using attachmentlanguage, as we talk about on
this show, is that part ofgrowing in a relationship is
having what we call the rupturerepair process, right?
This happens in all of ourrelationships.
And the ones that are mostconsistent with a positive
(21:02):
repairing of the relationship,if you have more evidences of
that, you develop thatrelationship into a secure
relationship.
And you also become secure whenyou have a lot of um uh rupture
repairs.
Not that you have a lot ofruptures about the same things,
just that you have evidences of,hey, there's something that went
wrong here and we were able torepair it.
(21:24):
There was something that wentwrong during this stage of life
and we were able to repair it,right?
And sometimes it takes a coupleof attempts to finally work
through something because we'rehuman and we're sinful and we
have things that we're stillworking through, right?
So some take a little bit longerthan others.
But what they do is that theyallow you to develop this
(21:45):
emotional regulation thatinitially you're dysregulated
when there's conflict betweenyou and this person that you
love, you and this person thatyou care about.
And then there's a moment ofsilence or distance or
separation where you're notwanting to be around each other,
right?
And then it's what do we do?
What should I do now?
Now, if it's a friend, you couldleave and maybe not talk to them
(22:09):
for a couple of days.
If it's a mentor, you can goaway not saying anything and
internally feel this slowresentment towards them because
they said something that youdidn't like.
With your parents, kind of thesame thing.
With a sibling, we're most openwith them and they can say what
they want, and I don't have toengage with them again, right?
But we still have this idea ofyou know, family's important, so
I need to go interact with them.
(22:30):
But we kind of, you know, putthis issue on the side for the
sake of family and so on, right?
So we don't really deal withthose issues in those different
relationships.
But when it's a marriagerelationship, a dating
relationship, an engagementrelationship, like we have to
bring those things out todevelop the level of intimacy
that we're looking for.
So when there's a rupture in therelationship, we're trying to
(22:53):
find ways to repair it, right?
And healthy repairing.
Can we talk about this in a calmmanner?
Can we discuss these issues?
How do we want to, what do wewant to say?
Can I be clear?
And how is the other persongoing to respond?
I don't know, right?
So all of those things arequestions that you may have in
your mind.
But in order to heal, right, andI do believe that God uses
(23:14):
people to heal, right?
There's the saying uh that goesboth ways.
One is hurt people, hurt people.
And then on the other hand, youalso have healed people, heal
people.
And we're healed, yes, throughour relationship with God.
God heals our hearts, thedeepest pains in our hearts that
no one else is able tounderstand.
God heals those parts throughthat continuous relationship
(23:37):
that we have with Him.
I found that in my own lifethrough scripture, through
prayer, and through community.
And you hear me talk about thatall of the time, right?
Scripture, prayer, community.
Scripture, because it is God'sword to us, right?
It's not a feeling, you know,where you just kind of, oh, you
know, I think God told me this,and uh, and you it's completely
(23:59):
anti-biblical what you're whatyou're supposed to do, you know,
people who start to use theBible by saying that, oh, you
know, God gave me this word overhere, and it's not found
anywhere in scripture, and theygo and do that thing, and you
know, when it doesn't work out,they say, Oh, you know, God's
word doesn't work.
No, right?
You you can't just do that.
(24:19):
So, one of the ways in which wewant to grow in a relationship
with God is not only when we'rejust wanting answers, but just
to know him and know his heart.
So we we do that by readingscripture.
So one way to know God and togrow in our faith is to read
scripture.
Second is prayer, which iscommunicating with God through
prayer, and that could bethrough scripture, and also this
(24:42):
idea of silence.
I forget who it was that thatsaid that, but prayer is the
idea or the practice ofattentive silence, right?
Prayer is the practice ofattentive silence.
That I am in sitting, that I'msitting in silence waiting to
hear from God based off whatI've been reading in scripture,
(25:05):
right?
Nothing, everything that youhear through your prayers from
God is going to align withscripture, or it should align
with scripture.
If it's contradictory toscripture, then it's not
biblical, or that that's notwhat God shared with you.
Okay, our emotions are verytricky, our own thoughts can
(25:27):
consume us.
Whatever we think about most iswhat's going to take over and is
going to create its narrative inour minds.
So we need to be careful withthat.
What do we tell ourselves?
Right.
There's this whole movement ofmanifesting your future and
manifesting these things intoyour life.
So, for people who do that,they're going to use those
things that they want andthey're going to basically look
(25:50):
for a confirmation bias withwhat in scripture aligns with
what I want for my life, right?
So the idea is that throughscripture, you can allow God to
speak to you in prayer, whichthen you can practice into your
community, Christian community,right?
Within the church.
So that's my personal beliefregarding how we can continue to
(26:13):
grow in our walk with Christ.
And part of this idea is thatwhen you're reading scripture,
allowing God to speak to youthrough prayer as you're sharing
your heart as well, and then itmoves you into practicing those
things in your relationships,you'll start to see how
oftentimes we'll fall short.
And the idea is that when wehave these rupture repairs, is
(26:35):
that we're able to expresshumility and ask for forgiveness
and show kindness, right?
And show patience to the personthat we love and care for.
And in doing that, with time, wedevelop healthy emotional
regulation with each other.
(26:56):
Right.
And that happens again in theseromantic relationships.
So again, relationships canfoster secure attachment and
emotional regulation.
Uh, secondly, they offer thesethis ability for us to see
ourselves to understandourselves better, right?
It's so interesting to me.
(27:17):
So um, some of you guys maywatch these shows, right?
Married at first sight, or Idon't know what other shows.
That's the one I've beenwatching.
And it's very interestingbecause when these people they
never met, they see each other,they're either attracted to
themselves or not.
And then they have to developthis love by communicating about
the things that they're wantingin life, things that they value,
(27:38):
their experiences, and andtrying to see if their
personalities match up and allof these different things,
right?
And throughout the process,they're each saying, Well, this
made me feel this way.
And the other is, Well, I neverthought that I felt this way.
And they're both trying tounderstand each other, sharing
how they're feeling.
And it's so interesting becauseyou're looking as an outsider
(27:58):
and you're saying, Wait, no, hedidn't really, he wasn't that
reflective, or no, she didn'treally say that.
You know, I didn't I didn'tunderstand that that way, right?
So, what happens that when we'rein a relationship, it forces you
to accept or see parts ofyourself that you don't think
you have, but they're therebecause the other person is
seeing that, right?
The more engagement andinteraction you have with that
(28:18):
person, they start to see moreand more of who you are in daily
life, right?
But it's again, it it's it'salmost uh funny to me to see how
blind we are to our own umweaknesses or to our own
shortcomings, right?
So relationships offer thisability to mirror how we
(28:41):
actually are, because either theperson tells us or they pick up
on some of our habits, right?
These relationships allow forfeedback, um, for empathy, and
for attunement, right?
The ability to tune into howwe're feeling about each other,
(29:02):
right?
Um as you provide theseexperiences or as you experience
this in a relationship, youbegin to see that your
perception of self starts tobecome more holistic, right?
If before you saw yourself, nomatter how self-aware you think
you are, there's always going tobe parts of you that you don't
fully see, right?
Which is again part of that ironsharpening iron picture is
(29:25):
developed here in in marriagebecause your your significant
other sees other parts of you.
And when they bring it up,again, you want kindness, you
want gentleness, you wantpatience.
When they bring it up, it's liketaking a step back and saying,
huh.
I don't like to end up seeingthat, but I'm gonna take some
time to reflect on that and andand really consider this, what
(29:49):
you're sharing, right?
So as iron sharpens iron, so oneperson sharpens another.
That's really the concept hereis that your significance.
Pick another your spouse, if youknow when you get married, is
going to point these things out.
And if you're engaged or you'redating someone, again, even in
those relationships, they'llpoint some things out that you
(30:10):
may not be uh privy to.
So that's what they do.
Another thing that they do isthat they create space for
vulnerability, right?
In order to heal, we need tohave a context where
vulnerability can happen, right?
And one of the things that canhappen in relationships is that
(30:32):
we usually test the waters outto see how much the person can
understand and accept and learnabout you, right?
So we usually, when we'resharing something with someone,
we start off with somethingsmall about our past and if they
receive that well.
Okay, next time you share alittle bit more, and then the
(30:53):
next time a little bit more,right?
And again, the more you see theperson, maybe they feel scared
at first of what you shared, ormaybe they looked at you with a
sense of judgment, like thatthat creates this barrier, like,
oh, I shouldn't have sharedthat, or should I share that?
Again, so that vulnerabilityexposes parts of you that you
may not want someone else tolook at because you may be
(31:14):
rejected.
You may fear that they willleave after you share that deep,
dark secret, or you share um aweakness, and maybe they're
gonna see you differently afterthat, whatever the case is.
These relationships create spacefor vulnerability, it requires
it, right?
(31:34):
And if you're on the other endreceiving that from the other
person where they're beingvulnerable with you, it's very
important to tune into that andvalidate what's happening
without judgment, right?
I think judgment really is thatthat piece, again, it brings on
shame.
So if you portray judgment onwhat the person is sharing,
(31:56):
immediately, people, we have thetendency to close up and not
want to share anymore.
Right.
Um, what happens is that again,if we think about the Garden of
Eden, how everything happened,is that once they were exposed,
this is they were they werenaked and then they went and hid
themselves to cover themselvesup.
And that's kind of what happens.
(32:17):
Like you feel once you feel likeyou've been fully seen and fully
known, there's this tendency to,oh, I show too much.
I don't want them to see more,right?
Again, speaking it from aspiritual perspective,
emotional, mental, psychologicalperspective, as you share more
with people, we're alwaysgauging how much can they take?
Do they still want to know memore?
(32:38):
Should I share more?
Right.
We're making these constantevaluations as we're getting to
know each other.
So the idea of how this canbring healing is because, again,
it puts you in a place where youhave to be vulnerable to be uh
fully known, right?
That's that's the goal of theserelationships is to be known, to
be fully known.
(32:59):
And if you notice, somethingthat's very important here is
that that is also what we wantin our relationship with God.
Like God fully knows us, right,and has forgiven us and accepts
us as his children, right?
And there's a whole dynamicwithin that relationship of
repentance and seeking him outand uh continuing to pursue him,
(33:20):
right?
That's the relationship that wehave with God as our father, and
he loves us and gives useverything that we need, right?
And in a uh marriagerelationship or romantic
relationship, you're alsoseeking this other person who
has their own faults andfailures and trying to see them
as God would see them, right?
And seeking not just to bevulnerable with them, but also
(33:44):
hoping that they're alsovulnerable with you, right?
So it creates space forvulnerability.
Um, another one is that itprovides accountability,
support, and encouragement.
Like who doesn't want that?
Right?
When you're growing togetherwith someone else, you're able
to focus on growth, you developresilience, there's positive
(34:08):
change.
And in that process, again,seeing each of you grow
together, it's a very specialthing.
I mean, one of the reasons why Ilove talking or observing the
armed forces, right?
Military people is that they gothrough the fire together.
And because they go through thatfire together, they see
themselves as brothers inbattle, right?
(34:31):
There was someone who said, um,they say, marry someone that is
willing to go to battle withyou, that you want next to you
in a battle.
And I thought that was a reallycool illustration because it
shows that you're willing to gothrough whatever it takes in
order to achieve the goal thatyou have for your life and the
calling that God has on yourlife.
(34:53):
So as you're doing that, youhave accountability for each
other, you're checking in oneach other.
When one of you guys is weak,you're providing support and
encouragement.
Like you want to keep goingforward together.
Again, it kind of carries thatidea of Galatians 6.2, which
talks about carrying eachother's burdens, right?
So we are carrying each other'sburdens, we're sharing the
(35:15):
burden together, and that allowsus to grow together.
So it's very important.
Again, these relationships bringout a different part of us.
Again, friendships can offerthis, mentorships can offer
this, relationship with familycan offer this.
But again, there's somethingunique and different about this
marriage relationship that ishighly emphasized in scripture.
(35:38):
Again, I want to clarify that ifyou're single and maybe your
calling is not to get married,and I haven't met too many
people, but I'm just throwing itout there, if that's your
calling, then obviously this isnot uh in anything specific to
you, right?
You follow God's calling foryour life.
My argument that I'm making hereis that when it comes to healing
(35:58):
from past hurts, relationships,or even growing as believers,
the romantic relationship,dating, engagement, marriage
provides a different way toachieve that because it creates
more stress or moreopportunities for growth in that
relationship.
(36:19):
Because again, as you're gettingto know each other, it's going
to bring out different parts ofyou.
And those parts need refinement,and that is a continual process
as we move forward towardsbecoming more like Christ.
Last point here one of thereasons why these relationships
are so important is because theymodel forgiveness, grace, and
(36:42):
redemption.
Those three words are soimportant, and they're things
that I didn't experience untillater in life.
Like obviously, you know, youask for forgiveness from your
siblings, you get in a fight,you say a name, you call them a
name, uh, you don't speak toeach other for whatever amount
(37:02):
of time, or you're angry at yourparents, right?
And there's this whole process,and we experience forgiveness,
right?
We experience grace from somepeople, right?
Um, but as you get older, thethe issues often become a lot
more complicated where youunderstand the different
dynamics of certainrelationships, and forgiveness
(37:23):
and grace and redemption justmean a lot more when you receive
it as an adult, right?
It's it's so powerful, and itheals the parts of us that we
feel others are not going toaccept, right?
And that is what God does forus.
Everything that we've ever done,he knows it all.
The good, the bad, the ugly,everything, he knows it all.
(37:46):
And we still experienceforgiveness, we experience his
grace, and we experienceredemption through his son
Jesus.
Right.
So this heals a lot of thespiritual wounds that we carry,
but that can also carry overinto those emotional, physical,
mental, or psychological woundsthat we experience as well.
(38:06):
Healing from wounds often meansnavigating forgiveness, right?
In both ways.
Both we want to grantforgiveness to others, and we
also want to receive forgivenessfrom others.
That is very healing for us asChristians because it is the
exact thing that Jesus did forus, right?
(38:30):
And the cost was great.
The cost was his son's life,Jesus, right?
God gave his only begotten sonto die for us on the cross to be
raised again on the third day,so that we may one day be in
eternity with him, right?
Forgiveness, grace, fatherforgive them for they know not
(38:53):
what they do, redemption fromthat, saving us from our sins.
Right.
Healthy relationships can modelsacrificial love, patience, and
restoration.
And this is all accomplishedthrough grace, through the grace
(39:15):
of God, can we do these things?
It's not in our own strengththat we're able to accomplish
this, it's only through hisgrace.
And I have found a lot ofhealing through different
relationships.
You know, for those who know meand are part of my life, like
you know what I'm referring to.
And I I don't share a lot umabout my uh personal story here,
and maybe I will one day, but abig part of that is because I
(39:38):
want to draw the attention tothe principle.
Because oftentimes what happensis that we'll use other people's
experiences and we'll say, oh,because they did this or because
it happened here, then it'sallowable for myself.
At least that's the way thatI've I've thought about it.
But the principle is what I wantto communicate to you guys.
And again, maybe one day I'llshare part of part of my story.
(40:01):
But the standard that we have asbelievers regarding this
forgiveness, grace, andredemption piece is that we are
to be kind and compassionate toone another, to forgive one
another, to forgive one another,just as in Christ God forgave
you.
That's in Ephesians 4.32.
Right?
So romantic relationshipsprovide this opportunity or this
(40:24):
picture of each of these pointsthat I just listed, right?
And yes, you can experience itin other relationships, but I
think the reason why I focustoday on the romantic
relationship piece is becausethose we go in with the
understanding that we're gonnahave to be vulnerable, that
(40:46):
we're gonna have to see whetheror not the other person's gonna
be accepting of us, of ourstory, of our background, of our
history, all of those things.
And I don't think we have thatsame approach with friendships
and mentorships and family.
Like there's almost this naturalacceptance that a friend, you
know, if they're a deep, uhpersonal best friend, like it's
highly likely that they're goingto accept you, um, even knowing
(41:10):
about your past.
Family, family is family, right?
There's this idea, at least we,you know, there's this idea that
family is always going to acceptyou.
I know that's not everyone'sstory, but there is a strong uh
uh evidence or many familieswhere that is the case where
they're more accepting when wefail than other people might be.
(41:30):
Again, just generalizing here.
Um, that's one part.
And then with mentorships, youknow, mentors come and go.
You know, sometimes I have amentor for this stage of life
and I have a different mentorfor another stage of life, and
so on.
But when we talk about marriage,that's a lifelong thing, a
lifelong knowing each other, andyou're with each other 24-7, and
you're seeing each other on yourgood days, on your bad days.
(41:51):
So, what I'm saying is that itprovides more opportunity for
these areas that we talked aboutto grow and move you more
towards becoming like Christ.
So that's my argument today.
Don't fall for the lie that youdon't need relationships to
heal.
You do.
And in particular, the romanticrelationships heal a different
(42:13):
part of you.
And again, if you have anyquestions about this, because I
know I kind of took a, I don'tknow if I'd say a controversial
take, but a different take onwhy we do need these types of
relationships to grow and toseek them out.
Again, even if you're in inpursuing someone, right?
Again, that is also teaching youa lot about the desires of your
(42:35):
heart, about patience, aboutgrace, about redemption, um,
about forgiveness, uh, a lot ofthings that you're learning
through that process.
And again, if you have friendsand if you have family, again,
enjoy those, appreciate those,and you will get glimpses of
these, and and some more thanothers.
But again, don't allow for fearto dictate how you're going to
(42:58):
approach these different typesof relationships.
So if you're single and you'researching or you're waiting,
whatever the case is, don't giveup.
God will provide someone.
And also don't be afraid toenter into those relationships
because of what you are afraidto see or afraid what others may
see in you as well.
So I hope that this was of anencouragement for you.
(43:21):
I hope that you understand nowwhy seeking out these
relationships is important,right?
In a culture where everyone isscared to be hurt, I want to
encourage you to go out thereand pursue that type of
relationship that God hasestablished from the beginning
and see what God teaches youthroughout that process.
(43:42):
Um, again, if you have questionsor comments or want to add to
the conversation, feel free touh send me um an email.
You can actually connect uhconnect with me through
slconnect08 at gmail.com.
That's uh where you can emailme.
Um or you can also send me amessage through Instagram at
godattachmenthealing.
(44:04):
Um so guys, again, this thankyou for tuning in.
Hopefully this was a blessingfor you, and I'll talk to you
next time.
Take care.
Alright everyone, welcome back to the God
Attachment Healing Podcast.
We are moving into this newseason, season five.
And last week, as you all know,we did episode 100, which is a
huge accomplishment.
And now I'm just looking forwardto continuing to talk about God
attachment and how that appliesto our relationships and how it
(00:26):
applies to how we understandourselves, the church, and how
we understand obviously ourrelationship with God.
So I'm looking forward to thistopic.
Uh, you know, there is a messagein the culture that is highly
individualized, that is highlyfocused on the self.
And today I'm gonna try tochallenge that belief by
(00:50):
starting off with a topic title,which is You Need a Relationship
to Heal.
So hopefully I can elaborate onthis topic as well as I want to,
and we're gonna start off prettystrong.
I'm excited to see where thisgoes.
And again, I'm focusing a lot onthose three pieces of our
(01:12):
identity, which is ourrelationship to self,
relationship to others, and ourrelationship to Jesus.
And I hope the Jays can join thejourney.
Again, this is gonna continue togo strong, and I'm looking
forward to all the topics that Ihave planned for the next couple
of weeks.
Number of interviews, which I'msure you will be interested in.
(01:32):
Have some great guests who willbe coming on the show.
And yeah, as always, just tryingto provide you with as much
value as I can through thispodcast, and uh hopefully it's
been a blessing to you.
So, yeah, well, let's go aheadand start with the topic.
I mean, the the topic reallycommunicates something that may
be a contradiction to whatyou've been taught or what
(01:55):
you've heard in the culture,that you need a relationship to
heal.
Now, when we think about thistopic, you will often hear that
when I say a relationship toheal, you're probably going to
think of a romanticrelationship.
And you would be correct inassuming that.
And I share that because if youstart to think about the idea of
(02:18):
having a relationship to heal,like we emphasize family, we
emphasize friendship, weemphasize mentorship, meeting
with leaders, uh, having yourgirls, your guys, you know,
people that you spend time with,home groups, whatever the case
is, right?
All of these things, we say, oh,this brings healing, this brings
(02:41):
healing, we need this, we needcommunity, we need to be there
for one another, right?
And that's true, right?
I mean, the Bible talks aboutthat a lot.
I mean, Paul addresses itaddresses it a lot in the New
Testament about needing to bewith one another, to bear one
another's burdens, right?
To to share truth with oneanother.
(03:01):
And we have all of theseencouragements to be with one
another, but for some reason, Imean, I know why, and I'm going
to explain that in a little bit.
We have also believed, or wehave included in that belief
system that we don't needromantic relationships.
(03:22):
And by that I mean whether it bedating, engagement, marriage,
we've come to believe that we'rebetter off on our own and that
we can actually that we can growon our own without a romantic
relationship.
And I really started to thinkabout that concept a lot because
that is not what we find in inscripture.
(03:46):
Now, in having conversationswith friends about singlehood
and what does that look like,and who do who should I look
for, and and what qualitiesshould this person have?
Like all of these things, right?
We talk about it all of thetime, and yet we try to convince
ourselves that we don't needthat relationship to be happy.
(04:06):
On the other hand, is that ifyou are seeking a relationship
to be happy, we almost demonizethat idea or that feeling or
that thought.
And we kind of shame each otherinto thinking that, well,
shouldn't Jesus be enough?
Like if you are really centeredin your relationship with
Christ, then you wouldn't reallydesire these things as strongly
(04:31):
as you are.
And obviously, I don't find thatto be true, a true statement.
And I'm gonna challenge thatbelief because um we do need
that romantic relationship.
Again, whether it be dating,engagement, marriage, whatever
stage you're in right now, um,as a single person, right?
(04:52):
I think that the culture hastricked us into thinking that
we're better off on our own thanbeing in a relationship.
And the way that I've understoodthat message is that it's easier
to not be in a romanticrelationship than it is to be
one.
(05:12):
But the reason why it's easieris because you're not having to
face yourself, you're not havingto face the maybe areas of
weakness in your life, um, somedeficiencies, some areas of
growth, and it just makes iteasier to avoid romantic
(05:35):
relationships because romanticrelationships don't bring out
the same thing that friendships,relationship with your parents,
uh mentorships, church leaders,uh other social settings would
bring out, right?
Romantic relationshipsrelationships are really going
to bring out a different part ofus because we're invested in it
(05:57):
differently, right?
We're seeking a companion forlife.
You're seeking someone who youcan share your life with,
someone who you can grow inChrist together.
And when you choose that person,really everything else is a
supplement to that relationship,right?
So and we find this in inGenesis, right?
(06:19):
Which is, and obviously it's apopular verse that you all know,
but I've asked myself thatquestion is well, if that if
God, if Jesus is all we need,then why did he find it
necessary to bring us a spouse?
Why did he find that necessaryto provide Adam with a wife?
(06:42):
And obviously the obvious answerto that is to populate the world
and to make way, obviously,because he knows the future
plan, to make way for the comingof Christ to save humanity,
right?
To save us from ourselves, tosave our souls from our sinful
nature so that we can berestored in relationship with
(07:02):
him and be able to live with himfor eternity, right?
So he obviously knew the bigplan behind everything, but he
has also set up the structurefor what life would look like on
this earth as we seek him and aswe build this relationship with
him.
And in Genesis, that's what wefind, right?
(07:24):
He creates the world, he createsnight and day, uh, the animals
and makes man, and it's him andAdam in the garden together
enjoying their fellowship,right?
And if we look at uh Genesis andwe look at chapter two, verse
15, it says, Then the Lord Godtook the man and put him in the
(07:47):
garden of Eden to work it andkeep it.
Okay, so he gives him a job,right?
And the Lord commanded the man,saying, You may surely eat of
every tree of the garden, but ofthe tree of the knowledge of
good and evil you shall not eat,for in the day that you eat of
it, you shall surely die.
Right?
So he gives them theseinstructions, kind of sets up
the stage.
(08:07):
Here's where you're gonna live.
We're gonna enjoy this together,go on and enjoy the garden,
right?
But avoid that tree of theknowledge of good and evil,
because you will surely die.
So not just a physical death,but also a spiritual death as
well.
But we all turn our attentionnow to Genesis 2, verse 18,
where it says, Then the Lord Godsaid, It is not good for man to
(08:33):
be alone, or that man should bealone, as it says in the ESV
version.
So we look at that and we say,Okay, so this is the first time
in scripture that we're readingup until this point that God
says that something is not good.
Everything else was good, right?
It was good that he created man,good that he created uh the
(08:54):
earth, good everything was good,and God saw that it was good.
But this is the first time inscripture that we see that it is
not good, specifically that Adamwas alone, right?
So we look at that and we say,okay, so why did God say that
it's not good for man to bealone?
(09:15):
Was he not enough?
Right?
There could be a question thatcould come up.
It has nothing to do with Godnot being enough.
Obviously, he is, and he wasthat for Adam, but he also looks
out for things that can enhanceour lives as well, right?
Part of God's goodness is togive to us or to provide for us
(09:40):
what we need.
And he found that necessary forman to need a woman, to need a
spouse, right?
So the very first relationshipthat's established outside of
our relationship with God wasthis marriage commitment, Adam
and Eve, romantic relationship,right?
So he creates this, andobviously we know the story from
(10:03):
there on is that in chapterthree, we then see the fall of
man.
They, the first emotion thatthey experienced was shame.
They go and hide themselves.
God seeks for them, you know, uhthey blame each other, and
eventually God kind of putsthese curses on them and he
kicks them out of the garden,right?
And then we see all through upuntil Genesis six the continuous
(10:27):
fall of man, and now how, andthen how God saved uh mankind
through Noah and so on, right?
So we hear the story, movesforward all up until Christ's
birth, um, until Jesus' birth,and then obviously we know he
dies for our sins, raises againon the third day, and now lives
in the right on the right handof God the Father.
(10:48):
And now we wait for him, right?
We wait for his coming.
And all of this again points tothe fact that the very first
relationship that Godestablished on earth was this
romantic relationship, thismarriage between man and woman,
right?
In the New Testament, we seePaul continuously tell us to,
(11:13):
you know, he gives us the oneanother's, right?
And I think today in the church,what we've done is that we've
emphasized that so much, butinterestingly enough, we've
avoided or or demonized or uhput in a negative light the
relationship, the romanticrelationship.
And I know where that stemsfrom, right?
If we look at the culture, evenin Christian culture, that
(11:37):
dating today has turned intosomething that is not a pleasant
experience.
So it would make sense why wedon't really want to pay
attention to that as much, or tobecome jaded and understand that
people are not just are notwanting the same things.
But I think it's it's done quitea it's had quite a negative
(12:02):
effect on the culture and evenon our faith.
Because again, the the marriagerelationship was to demonstrate
to us and to illustrate to usthe relationship between Christ
and the church, right?
So the model that we weresupposed to look at and that
we're supposed to seek out tohelp us understand that
(12:23):
relationship between Christ andthe church better is the one
that we have continually put tothe side.
And we've said, you know, nolonger is it good.
I'm just gonna do my own thing.
If the Lord brings someonegreat, if he doesn't, that's
also great too.
And I I think that's the wrongperspective.
Um, and I, you know, I can speakfor both the men and the women
(12:44):
in regards to what their role isin this whole process or how we
can change the conversationaround this topic, but we have
created a culture now where bothmen and women are scared to
enter romantic relationshipsbecause it it's going to mean
that we're gonna have to bevulnerable and we're going to
(13:05):
have to be fully known bysomeone else.
And we don't really experiencethat in friendships,
relationship with parents,siblings in the church,
mentorship.
Like we don't, it's not the samething, it's very different,
right?
Obviously, all of those areshared in scripture about, you
know, we see Timothy beingdiscipled by Paul.
(13:28):
Uh, we so it's a mentorshippiece.
Uh, again, the relationship ofbrothers and sisters within the
church, right?
This family unit.
But the relationship between manand woman in a romantic setting
in a marriage is very differentthan those other relationships.
So the question becomes, well,why should we then seek that
(13:50):
out?
I mean, are we as Christians nowsaying that we don't want to
pursue relationships anymore,romantic relationships?
And you know, there's two sidesto this.
On one side, you have people whoare completely jaded, want
nothing to do with seeking out arelationship.
And then on the other hand, youhave people who are constantly
wanting to fill that void andwanting to see what it what it
(14:12):
could be and feelingdisappointed and frustrated
because they're not finding whatthey're looking for, right?
So, how do we find that balance?
How do we know how do we attachourselves in a healthy way to
other people?
And I think the the significantfactor here is the fear, the
fear of being rejected, the fearof not being wanted, even the
(14:35):
fear of being fully known,right?
All of these fears are pushingus away from the one
relationship that teaches usthat can model for us what the
relationship between Christ andthe church should be.
So my argument is that you doneed to be in relationship with
(14:57):
others because that is the onlyway that you'll be able to heal.
Now, again, if you were taking aspiritual approach, right?
I'm taking a biopsychosocial,spiritual approach to this.
And what I'm saying by that isthat all of these areas of our
lives need healing, right?
So the biological, it's yourbody, take care of your body,
(15:18):
the psychological, how youthink, right?
We can use God's word to help usunderstand and create our
worldview about the world aroundus.
Um, there's the emotional,understanding how we feel about
certain things, about certainpeople, um, how we feel about
ourselves, right?
And then there's the spiritualand how we understand our
relationship with God.
(15:38):
So all of these things play ahuge role in in our growth as
human beings, but moreimportantly, in our relationship
with God.
You know, interestingly, in theculture, Christians, you'll
you'll hear them say, well, youdon't need a romance
relationship to be happy, right?
Which then kind of begs thequestion, well, why do we need
family?
(15:59):
Why do we need friendships?
Why do we need mentorships?
Do we need any of these at all?
Right.
So we start to highlight allthese other relationships where,
yes, there's depth, right?
I can assume that you have ahealthy relationship with your
family, um, that you have a bestfriend that you share a lot
with, uh, maybe even that youhave a mentor that you allow to
(16:19):
pour into your life, right?
So we emphasize all these otherareas, but even within those, I
don't think they create the sametype of vulnerability and
openness that a romanticrelationship brings to the
table.
Um and that can be scary, right?
And maybe that's why weemphasize the other one so much,
because we don't have to shareeverything else so deeply.
(16:43):
And by the way, even in theserelationships, friendships,
family, uh, mentorships, wedon't really share everything.
The people don't really livewith us.
Family might, right?
You if you still live with yourparents or you live with your
siblings, you live with youknow, any family member,
obviously they're gonna knowyou.
But you know, we've done apretty good job, or we can do a
(17:04):
pretty good job of kind ofkeeping certain things to
ourselves.
Now, you can do that in arelationship too, but what I'm
saying is that romanticrelationships, the whole point
of it is to be vulnerable withthe other person.
They know you.
There's this this ah, there'sthis desire to know someone
(17:24):
fully and to be fully known andto be accepted for that.
And we all want that, right?
So that's why we have thisdesire to want to establish
these types of relationships.
So what happens when we don'thave these relationships, or we
when we get jaded from seekingout these relationships, we miss
(17:48):
out on understanding God in alight that He intended to show
us, which is through thisromantic relationship.
And and again, when I sayromantic relationship, I'm
talking about dating,engagement, leading into
marriage, right?
Uh people who are wantingmarriage because marriage is
what is reflecting thatrelationship between Christ and
(18:09):
the church, right?
And it gives us a betterunderstanding of wow, if Christ
treated the church that way, howmuch better does he treat me as
his son, as his daughter, right?
And you start to understand thatrelationship a lot differently,
right?
So um this then leads us intowanting to understand, okay, so
(18:31):
why do we need theserelationships?
What is so different about itthat I can't receive in
friendships, family, andmentorship?
So here's my my my points, thepoints that I want to make,
excuse me, the points that Iwant to make regarding the need
to have romantic relationships.
(18:54):
It's it's one of those thingswhere I think it fights against
not just uh the culture itself,but also even Christian culture
or church culture, um, where theemphasis has mostly been made
on, you know, you need to seekthe Lord out with all your
heart, all your mind, and allyour soul.
And I am emphasizing that.
So I don't want to confuse you.
(19:14):
I don't want to say that that'snot what you should be doing.
Yes, we need to be following Godwith all our minds, all our
hearts, all our souls, and allowourselves to grow into becoming
more like Christ.
But within that, the Lord alsouses people to help us become
(19:35):
more like Him, right?
That's the whole point of thechurch.
That's the whole point ofmarriage.
That's the whole point infriendships, right?
As you continue to know eachother deeper and deeper, there
is this element of exposingdifferent areas of your life
that still need to be refined,right?
And because I think friendshipsand family and mentorships don't
(19:56):
bring out everything, or becausethey're not around us all of the
time, I think it's limited inits impact to continue to
sharpen and grow us.
But when you enter into amarriage relationship, it really
does expose a lot of who you areand really does do a different
type of sharpening in your life,right?
Now, this is not to say thatthose who are single cannot
(20:18):
continue to be sharpened.
What I'm saying is that thereare different relationships that
bring out different parts of youand refine also different parts
of you.
So, what are some of the thingsthat you can gain from seeking
or being in a romantic dating,engagement, marriage,
relationship?
Well, one of them is does it itcan actually foster secure
(20:41):
attachment and emotionalregulation?
Okay, so using attachmentlanguage, as we talk about on
this show, is that part ofgrowing in a relationship is
having what we call the rupturerepair process, right?
This happens in all of ourrelationships.
And the ones that are mostconsistent with a positive
(21:02):
repairing of the relationship,if you have more evidences of
that, you develop thatrelationship into a secure
relationship.
And you also become secure whenyou have a lot of um uh rupture
repairs.
Not that you have a lot ofruptures about the same things,
just that you have evidences of,hey, there's something that went
wrong here and we were able torepair it.
(21:24):
There was something that wentwrong during this stage of life
and we were able to repair it,right?
And sometimes it takes a coupleof attempts to finally work
through something because we'rehuman and we're sinful and we
have things that we're stillworking through, right?
So some take a little bit longerthan others.
But what they do is that theyallow you to develop this
(21:45):
emotional regulation thatinitially you're dysregulated
when there's conflict betweenyou and this person that you
love, you and this person thatyou care about.
And then there's a moment ofsilence or distance or
separation where you're notwanting to be around each other,
right?
And then it's what do we do?
What should I do now?
Now, if it's a friend, you couldleave and maybe not talk to them
(22:09):
for a couple of days.
If it's a mentor, you can goaway not saying anything and
internally feel this slowresentment towards them because
they said something that youdidn't like.
With your parents, kind of thesame thing.
With a sibling, we're most openwith them and they can say what
they want, and I don't have toengage with them again, right?
But we still have this idea ofyou know, family's important, so
I need to go interact with them.
(22:30):
But we kind of, you know, putthis issue on the side for the
sake of family and so on, right?
So we don't really deal withthose issues in those different
relationships.
But when it's a marriagerelationship, a dating
relationship, an engagementrelationship, like we have to
bring those things out todevelop the level of intimacy
that we're looking for.
So when there's a rupture in therelationship, we're trying to
(22:53):
find ways to repair it, right?
And healthy repairing.
Can we talk about this in a calmmanner?
Can we discuss these issues?
How do we want to, what do wewant to say?
Can I be clear?
And how is the other persongoing to respond?
I don't know, right?
So all of those things arequestions that you may have in
your mind.
But in order to heal, right, andI do believe that God uses
(23:14):
people to heal, right?
There's the saying uh that goesboth ways.
One is hurt people, hurt people.
And then on the other hand, youalso have healed people, heal
people.
And we're healed, yes, throughour relationship with God.
God heals our hearts, thedeepest pains in our hearts that
no one else is able tounderstand.
God heals those parts throughthat continuous relationship
(23:37):
that we have with Him.
I found that in my own lifethrough scripture, through
prayer, and through community.
And you hear me talk about thatall of the time, right?
Scripture, prayer, community.
Scripture, because it is God'sword to us, right?
It's not a feeling, you know,where you just kind of, oh, you
know, I think God told me this,and uh, and you it's completely
(23:59):
anti-biblical what you're whatyou're supposed to do, you know,
people who start to use theBible by saying that, oh, you
know, God gave me this word overhere, and it's not found
anywhere in scripture, and theygo and do that thing, and you
know, when it doesn't work out,they say, Oh, you know, God's
word doesn't work.
No, right?
You you can't just do that.
(24:19):
So, one of the ways in which wewant to grow in a relationship
with God is not only when we'rejust wanting answers, but just
to know him and know his heart.
So we we do that by readingscripture.
So one way to know God and togrow in our faith is to read
scripture.
Second is prayer, which iscommunicating with God through
prayer, and that could bethrough scripture, and also this
(24:42):
idea of silence.
I forget who it was that thatsaid that, but prayer is the
idea or the practice ofattentive silence, right?
Prayer is the practice ofattentive silence.
That I am in sitting, that I'msitting in silence waiting to
hear from God based off whatI've been reading in scripture,
(25:05):
right?
Nothing, everything that youhear through your prayers from
God is going to align withscripture, or it should align
with scripture.
If it's contradictory toscripture, then it's not
biblical, or that that's notwhat God shared with you.
Okay, our emotions are verytricky, our own thoughts can
(25:27):
consume us.
Whatever we think about most iswhat's going to take over and is
going to create its narrative inour minds.
So we need to be careful withthat.
What do we tell ourselves?
Right.
There's this whole movement ofmanifesting your future and
manifesting these things intoyour life.
So, for people who do that,they're going to use those
things that they want andthey're going to basically look
(25:50):
for a confirmation bias withwhat in scripture aligns with
what I want for my life, right?
So the idea is that throughscripture, you can allow God to
speak to you in prayer, whichthen you can practice into your
community, Christian community,right?
Within the church.
So that's my personal beliefregarding how we can continue to
(26:13):
grow in our walk with Christ.
And part of this idea is thatwhen you're reading scripture,
allowing God to speak to youthrough prayer as you're sharing
your heart as well, and then itmoves you into practicing those
things in your relationships,you'll start to see how
oftentimes we'll fall short.
And the idea is that when wehave these rupture repairs, is
(26:35):
that we're able to expresshumility and ask for forgiveness
and show kindness, right?
And show patience to the personthat we love and care for.
And in doing that, with time, wedevelop healthy emotional
regulation with each other.
(26:56):
Right.
And that happens again in theseromantic relationships.
So again, relationships canfoster secure attachment and
emotional regulation.
Uh, secondly, they offer thesethis ability for us to see
ourselves to understandourselves better, right?
It's so interesting to me.
(27:17):
So um, some of you guys maywatch these shows, right?
Married at first sight, or Idon't know what other shows.
That's the one I've beenwatching.
And it's very interestingbecause when these people they
never met, they see each other,they're either attracted to
themselves or not.
And then they have to developthis love by communicating about
the things that they're wantingin life, things that they value,
(27:38):
their experiences, and andtrying to see if their
personalities match up and allof these different things,
right?
And throughout the process,they're each saying, Well, this
made me feel this way.
And the other is, Well, I neverthought that I felt this way.
And they're both trying tounderstand each other, sharing
how they're feeling.
And it's so interesting becauseyou're looking as an outsider
(27:58):
and you're saying, Wait, no, hedidn't really, he wasn't that
reflective, or no, she didn'treally say that.
You know, I didn't I didn'tunderstand that that way, right?
So, what happens that when we'rein a relationship, it forces you
to accept or see parts ofyourself that you don't think
you have, but they're therebecause the other person is
seeing that, right?
The more engagement andinteraction you have with that
(28:18):
person, they start to see moreand more of who you are in daily
life, right?
But it's again, it it's it'salmost uh funny to me to see how
blind we are to our own umweaknesses or to our own
shortcomings, right?
So relationships offer thisability to mirror how we
(28:41):
actually are, because either theperson tells us or they pick up
on some of our habits, right?
These relationships allow forfeedback, um, for empathy, and
for attunement, right?
The ability to tune into howwe're feeling about each other,
(29:02):
right?
Um as you provide theseexperiences or as you experience
this in a relationship, youbegin to see that your
perception of self starts tobecome more holistic, right?
If before you saw yourself, nomatter how self-aware you think
you are, there's always going tobe parts of you that you don't
fully see, right?
Which is again part of that ironsharpening iron picture is
(29:25):
developed here in in marriagebecause your your significant
other sees other parts of you.
And when they bring it up,again, you want kindness, you
want gentleness, you wantpatience.
When they bring it up, it's liketaking a step back and saying,
huh.
I don't like to end up seeingthat, but I'm gonna take some
time to reflect on that and andand really consider this, what
(29:49):
you're sharing, right?
So as iron sharpens iron, so oneperson sharpens another.
That's really the concept hereis that your significance.
Pick another your spouse, if youknow when you get married, is
going to point these things out.
And if you're engaged or you'redating someone, again, even in
those relationships, they'llpoint some things out that you
(30:10):
may not be uh privy to.
So that's what they do.
Another thing that they do isthat they create space for
vulnerability, right?
In order to heal, we need tohave a context where
vulnerability can happen, right?
And one of the things that canhappen in relationships is that
(30:32):
we usually test the waters outto see how much the person can
understand and accept and learnabout you, right?
So we usually, when we'resharing something with someone,
we start off with somethingsmall about our past and if they
receive that well.
Okay, next time you share alittle bit more, and then the
(30:53):
next time a little bit more,right?
And again, the more you see theperson, maybe they feel scared
at first of what you shared, ormaybe they looked at you with a
sense of judgment, like thatthat creates this barrier, like,
oh, I shouldn't have sharedthat, or should I share that?
Again, so that vulnerabilityexposes parts of you that you
may not want someone else tolook at because you may be
(31:14):
rejected.
You may fear that they willleave after you share that deep,
dark secret, or you share um aweakness, and maybe they're
gonna see you differently afterthat, whatever the case is.
These relationships create spacefor vulnerability, it requires
it, right?
(31:34):
And if you're on the other endreceiving that from the other
person where they're beingvulnerable with you, it's very
important to tune into that andvalidate what's happening
without judgment, right?
I think judgment really is thatthat piece, again, it brings on
shame.
So if you portray judgment onwhat the person is sharing,
(31:56):
immediately, people, we have thetendency to close up and not
want to share anymore.
Right.
Um, what happens is that again,if we think about the Garden of
Eden, how everything happened,is that once they were exposed,
this is they were they werenaked and then they went and hid
themselves to cover themselvesup.
And that's kind of what happens.
(32:17):
Like you feel once you feel likeyou've been fully seen and fully
known, there's this tendency to,oh, I show too much.
I don't want them to see more,right?
Again, speaking it from aspiritual perspective,
emotional, mental, psychologicalperspective, as you share more
with people, we're alwaysgauging how much can they take?
Do they still want to know memore?
(32:38):
Should I share more?
Right.
We're making these constantevaluations as we're getting to
know each other.
So the idea of how this canbring healing is because, again,
it puts you in a place where youhave to be vulnerable to be uh
fully known, right?
That's that's the goal of theserelationships is to be known, to
be fully known.
(32:59):
And if you notice, somethingthat's very important here is
that that is also what we wantin our relationship with God.
Like God fully knows us, right,and has forgiven us and accepts
us as his children, right?
And there's a whole dynamicwithin that relationship of
repentance and seeking him outand uh continuing to pursue him,
(33:20):
right?
That's the relationship that wehave with God as our father, and
he loves us and gives useverything that we need, right?
And in a uh marriagerelationship or romantic
relationship, you're alsoseeking this other person who
has their own faults andfailures and trying to see them
as God would see them, right?
And seeking not just to bevulnerable with them, but also
(33:44):
hoping that they're alsovulnerable with you, right?
So it creates space forvulnerability.
Um, another one is that itprovides accountability,
support, and encouragement.
Like who doesn't want that?
Right?
When you're growing togetherwith someone else, you're able
to focus on growth, you developresilience, there's positive
(34:08):
change.
And in that process, again,seeing each of you grow
together, it's a very specialthing.
I mean, one of the reasons why Ilove talking or observing the
armed forces, right?
Military people is that they gothrough the fire together.
And because they go through thatfire together, they see
themselves as brothers inbattle, right?
(34:31):
There was someone who said, um,they say, marry someone that is
willing to go to battle withyou, that you want next to you
in a battle.
And I thought that was a reallycool illustration because it
shows that you're willing to gothrough whatever it takes in
order to achieve the goal thatyou have for your life and the
calling that God has on yourlife.
(34:53):
So as you're doing that, youhave accountability for each
other, you're checking in oneach other.
When one of you guys is weak,you're providing support and
encouragement.
Like you want to keep goingforward together.
Again, it kind of carries thatidea of Galatians 6.2, which
talks about carrying eachother's burdens, right?
So we are carrying each other'sburdens, we're sharing the
(35:15):
burden together, and that allowsus to grow together.
So it's very important.
Again, these relationships bringout a different part of us.
Again, friendships can offerthis, mentorships can offer
this, relationship with familycan offer this.
But again, there's somethingunique and different about this
marriage relationship that ishighly emphasized in scripture.
(35:38):
Again, I want to clarify that ifyou're single and maybe your
calling is not to get married,and I haven't met too many
people, but I'm just throwing itout there, if that's your
calling, then obviously this isnot uh in anything specific to
you, right?
You follow God's calling foryour life.
My argument that I'm making hereis that when it comes to healing
(35:58):
from past hurts, relationships,or even growing as believers,
the romantic relationship,dating, engagement, marriage
provides a different way toachieve that because it creates
more stress or moreopportunities for growth in that
relationship.
(36:19):
Because again, as you're gettingto know each other, it's going
to bring out different parts ofyou.
And those parts need refinement,and that is a continual process
as we move forward towardsbecoming more like Christ.
Last point here one of thereasons why these relationships
are so important is because theymodel forgiveness, grace, and
(36:42):
redemption.
Those three words are soimportant, and they're things
that I didn't experience untillater in life.
Like obviously, you know, youask for forgiveness from your
siblings, you get in a fight,you say a name, you call them a
name, uh, you don't speak toeach other for whatever amount
(37:02):
of time, or you're angry at yourparents, right?
And there's this whole process,and we experience forgiveness,
right?
We experience grace from somepeople, right?
Um, but as you get older, thethe issues often become a lot
more complicated where youunderstand the different
dynamics of certainrelationships, and forgiveness
(37:23):
and grace and redemption justmean a lot more when you receive
it as an adult, right?
It's it's so powerful, and itheals the parts of us that we
feel others are not going toaccept, right?
And that is what God does forus.
Everything that we've ever done,he knows it all.
The good, the bad, the ugly,everything, he knows it all.
(37:46):
And we still experienceforgiveness, we experience his
grace, and we experienceredemption through his son
Jesus.
Right.
So this heals a lot of thespiritual wounds that we carry,
but that can also carry overinto those emotional, physical,
mental, or psychological woundsthat we experience as well.
(38:06):
Healing from wounds often meansnavigating forgiveness, right?
In both ways.
Both we want to grantforgiveness to others, and we
also want to receive forgivenessfrom others.
That is very healing for us asChristians because it is the
exact thing that Jesus did forus, right?
(38:30):
And the cost was great.
The cost was his son's life,Jesus, right?
God gave his only begotten sonto die for us on the cross to be
raised again on the third day,so that we may one day be in
eternity with him, right?
Forgiveness, grace, fatherforgive them for they know not
(38:53):
what they do, redemption fromthat, saving us from our sins.
Right.
Healthy relationships can modelsacrificial love, patience, and
restoration.
And this is all accomplishedthrough grace, through the grace
(39:15):
of God, can we do these things?
It's not in our own strengththat we're able to accomplish
this, it's only through hisgrace.
And I have found a lot ofhealing through different
relationships.
You know, for those who know meand are part of my life, like
you know what I'm referring to.
And I I don't share a lot umabout my uh personal story here,
and maybe I will one day, but abig part of that is because I
(39:38):
want to draw the attention tothe principle.
Because oftentimes what happensis that we'll use other people's
experiences and we'll say, oh,because they did this or because
it happened here, then it'sallowable for myself.
At least that's the way thatI've I've thought about it.
But the principle is what I wantto communicate to you guys.
And again, maybe one day I'llshare part of part of my story.
(40:01):
But the standard that we have asbelievers regarding this
forgiveness, grace, andredemption piece is that we are
to be kind and compassionate toone another, to forgive one
another, to forgive one another,just as in Christ God forgave
you.
That's in Ephesians 4.32.
Right?
So romantic relationshipsprovide this opportunity or this
(40:24):
picture of each of these pointsthat I just listed, right?
And yes, you can experience itin other relationships, but I
think the reason why I focustoday on the romantic
relationship piece is becausethose we go in with the
understanding that we're gonnahave to be vulnerable, that
(40:46):
we're gonna have to see whetheror not the other person's gonna
be accepting of us, of ourstory, of our background, of our
history, all of those things.
And I don't think we have thatsame approach with friendships
and mentorships and family.
Like there's almost this naturalacceptance that a friend, you
know, if they're a deep, uhpersonal best friend, like it's
highly likely that they're goingto accept you, um, even knowing
(41:10):
about your past.
Family, family is family, right?
There's this idea, at least we,you know, there's this idea that
family is always going to acceptyou.
I know that's not everyone'sstory, but there is a strong uh
uh evidence or many familieswhere that is the case where
they're more accepting when wefail than other people might be.
(41:30):
Again, just generalizing here.
Um, that's one part.
And then with mentorships, youknow, mentors come and go.
You know, sometimes I have amentor for this stage of life
and I have a different mentorfor another stage of life, and
so on.
But when we talk about marriage,that's a lifelong thing, a
lifelong knowing each other, andyou're with each other 24-7, and
you're seeing each other on yourgood days, on your bad days.
(41:51):
So, what I'm saying is that itprovides more opportunity for
these areas that we talked aboutto grow and move you more
towards becoming like Christ.
So that's my argument today.
Don't fall for the lie that youdon't need relationships to
heal.
You do.
And in particular, the romanticrelationships heal a different
(42:13):
part of you.
And again, if you have anyquestions about this, because I
know I kind of took a, I don'tknow if I'd say a controversial
take, but a different take onwhy we do need these types of
relationships to grow and toseek them out.
Again, even if you're in inpursuing someone, right?
Again, that is also teaching youa lot about the desires of your
(42:35):
heart, about patience, aboutgrace, about redemption, um,
about forgiveness, uh, a lot ofthings that you're learning
through that process.
And again, if you have friendsand if you have family, again,
enjoy those, appreciate those,and you will get glimpses of
these, and and some more thanothers.
But again, don't allow for fearto dictate how you're going to
(42:58):
approach these different typesof relationships.
So if you're single and you'researching or you're waiting,
whatever the case is, don't giveup.
God will provide someone.
And also don't be afraid toenter into those relationships
because of what you are afraidto see or afraid what others may
see in you as well.
So I hope that this was of anencouragement for you.
(43:21):
I hope that you understand nowwhy seeking out these
relationships is important,right?
In a culture where everyone isscared to be hurt, I want to
encourage you to go out thereand pursue that type of
relationship that God hasestablished from the beginning
and see what God teaches youthroughout that process.
(43:42):
Um, again, if you have questionsor comments or want to add to
the conversation, feel free touh send me um an email.
You can actually connect uhconnect with me through
slconnect08 at gmail.com.
That's uh where you can emailme.
Um or you can also send me amessage through Instagram at
godattachmenthealing.
(44:04):
Um so guys, again, this thankyou for tuning in.
Hopefully this was a blessingfor you, and I'll talk to you
next time.
Take care.
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