June 15, 2025 • 22 mins
From Darkness to Light
Nichole’s life has been a testament to resilience and redemption. Having faced unthinkable hardships, she now dedicates herself to sharing her story to inspire and guide others. Through her experiences, she teaches the importance of surrendering to God, embracing healing, and breaking free from the chains of trauma and spiritual torment.
Why You Should Listen
This 2-part story offers:
· A beautiful transformation from dark to light, from lukewarm to on fire for Jesus
· Inspiring lessons on overcoming adversity
· Encouragement for those struggling with trauma and seeking hope
Episode Highlights
· The impact of abuse and neglect on Nichole’s early life
· Growing up under her father’s fascination with the occult
· Her initial attempts to understand life through similar practices
· Unwanted spiritual experiences that led to a turning point
· The emotional, spiritual, and mental scars she carried
· A dramatic and unexpected experience that began her healing journey
· Her road back to God and the transformative power of faith
· Lessons on surrendering to God, healing from trauma, and finding freedom
Connect With Us:
If Nichole's story moves or inspires you, please leave a review and share this episode. Please also subscribe to, like, and follow the podcast to help us move more hearts toward Jesus!
Our goal with this episode is to move at least one heart toward God -- is it yours? Let us know! And if you'd like to get involved by becoming a storyteller or donating to the movement, please visit:
Web: godisgoodpodcast.com
Social: www.facebook.com/groups/godisgoodpodcast/
Some of our episodes mention the ACTS Retreat, which is an evangelization retreat from ACTS Missions in San Antonio, TX: www.actsmissions.org.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Carol (00:10):
Welcome to the God is Good Podcast, where we share
stories of everyday people whohave reignited their faith in
Jesus and experienced remarkablelife transformations.
My name is Carol O'Brien, andI'm your host for this podcast.
Before we begin today's episode,I want to share with you that
(00:30):
this is a heavier episode thanwe've done in the past.
It's a beautiful journey to theLord, but it does include topics
that may be hard for somelisteners to hear.
Because of its intensity, we'vebroken it into two parts.
Please listen at your owndiscretion.
"Trust in the Lord with all yourheart.
(00:53):
On your own intelligence, do notrely.
In all your ways, be mindful ofhim and he will make straight
your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6.
This is a popular scriptureamong our storytellers for good
reason.
It reminds us to cling to God inall aspects of our life.
(01:14):
And when we do so, he'll hold usin the palm of his hand and
guide us on the paths that aretruly the right ones for us.
For Nichole, our neweststoryteller, these verses are a
lifeline.
Nichole's life was filled withhardship marked by abuse and
neglect.
Growing up under her father'sfascination with the occult and
(01:37):
horrific abuse, she felt lostand lacked strong guidance.
Drawn to the same practices inan attempt to find
understanding, she realizedalmost immediately she was
inviting unwanted experiencesinto her life.
Her struggles left visible,emotional, spiritual, and mental
(01:57):
scars.
Her road back to God was long,but a dramatic, unexpected
experience marked a profoundhealing.
Now, Nichole shares her storywith others to teach them how to
fully surrender to God, healfrom trauma, and gain freedom
from the evil that tormentsthem.
(02:18):
She even began a new ministry,Fullness of Joy, and has written
multiple books.
Please join me in welcomingNichole to the podcast as we
walk with her on her journey inthis two part episode.
Welcome, Nichole! Let's go aheadand get into your story.
I know it's going to be adifficult one, but let's start
with your faith foundation.
(02:39):
Did you have a strong spiritualfoundation and how did you view
God?
Nichole (02:44):
My mom did not give her heart to the Lord until I was
around 16, 15, 16.
But my grandparents, her mom anddad, they were always in church.
They were very faithful.
So I did go to church with themsome.
I had an understanding of theLord, who he was.
I had more of a vision of him asa demanding God.
Very punitive.
(03:04):
And if you stepped outside theline, he was gonna beat you
upside the head.
I didn't really understand himor his character, so I did not
have a relationship with him,and I only had a skewed view of
who he was.
Carol (03:17):
Oh, that's interesting.
I know that sometimes ourperception of God is related to
how we perceive our parents,especially our fathers.
Is that something that's truefor you?
Nichole (03:29):
I never really thought about what you're asking, what
shaped my view of God?
I had a really hard timetrusting him because I did not
have a trustworthy biologicalfather, and I think that's where
that played more into it.
I think it was more my familywas very legalistic.
It was more about the do's anddon'ts.
So I think that's what kind ofguided my idea of God, like that
(03:51):
there was a set of rules and ifyou follow those rules, you were
in God's favor.
And if you stepped outside ofthose rules, then you were in
big trouble.
Where my relationship with mybiological dad interfered with
my relationship with God wasactually after I gave my heart
to the Lord.
Carol (04:08):
I know you had some challenging childhood
relationships and some that werestrong.
Let's start with your mom.
What was your relationship likewith her?
Nichole (04:17):
I loved my mom and I was close to her, but, I don't
remember a lot of my youngyears, so it's hard to say what
that looked like.
My mom got married when she wasreally young.
She went straight from herparents' house as a teenager.
I think she was 17 when she gotmarried, and my biological dad
abused her from the get go.
(04:37):
He was very violent.
And when she broke free fromthat marriage, I think she felt
free for the first time in herlife.
So when I was young, she dated alot.
She went out a lot.
She worked a lot.
Sometimes she worked two jobs.
My grandma helped raise me andwhen I was 12, my mom remarried
and she's married to my stepdad.
Now they've been married for 30plus years.
(05:00):
And what I've seen in thatmarriage was her creating the
life that she always wanted.
And she had my brother, and theyhad a very good family, the
three of them.
And from a 12 year old'sperspective, I was on the
outside looking in, so I got towatch my mom be the mom to my
brother that I would've loved tohave had.
(05:21):
And that created a lot ofbitterness and a lot of anger
because I never felt like thatthat was the mom that I had.
That was not the life that I wasraised with.
And instead of embracing it andbecoming part of it, I always
felt like I was outside of itbecause I was damaged and I
couldn't fit into their family.
And I only brought grief andrebellion and strife, and so
(05:44):
that created a lot of division.
As an adult, we've mended ourrelationship a lot and we are in
a much, much better place now.
But as a kid, there was a lot ofpain and a lot of hurt.
Carol (05:56):
So it sounds like your relationship with your mom was
good, but there was also someyearning there, something not
quite complete for you.
How was your relationship withyour biological father?
Nichole (06:08):
I don't have any good memories of my biological dad.
From the time I can remember, Ijust feared him and his anger
and his wrath, and I did nothave a good relationship with
him at all.
It was a relationship of fear.
It was fear based.
I don't have any memories of himever playing with toys with me
or...
I just don't have any goodmemories of him.
(06:29):
He was the type of person thatwas very narcissistic.
If you were in his life, it wasfor what you could do for him.
He was violent.
He never physically that I canremember hit me but he sexually
abused me.
I was scared of him.
He was also involved in theoccult and witchcraft, and so
that brought a whole'notherlevel of fear.
(06:51):
He manipulated me saying that hecould read my mind when I was a
child, and as a small child, Ibelieved that.
So it was ingrained in me tofear him.
He's deceased now, and up untilthe time of his death, even when
he was bedbound, I remember justbeing afraid of him.
Carol (07:08):
So there's a lot there.
Let's start with one thing.
How old were you when youremember your father being
involved in the occult?
Nichole (07:21):
My mom and biological dad got divorced when I was
around three, three or four.
He lived in Florida with his momand dad, and she moved back to
Indiana with her family and me,and he was granted visitation in
the summer and every otherChristmas.
I can remember around the age ofseven visiting.
And that was when I met his newwife.
(07:42):
So it would've had to have beenfrom the previous summer to that
summer that they got involved inthe occult and witchcraft I
don't know who introduced who.
I don't know about that part,but I was around seven.
Carol (07:54):
And were these practices something that they brought you
into as well?
Nichole (07:58):
Yes, there was ritualistic abuse, there was
sexual abuse, there was bloodrituals, there was killing of
animals.
I still don't have all of thememories.
I may never, I've given that toGod and I've told him if he
wants them to come back, I'llwalk through it with him.
And if he doesn't then I'm okaywith that.
But I can just remember thehouse would be decorated.
(08:18):
Even the wall hangings, thepictures on the wall would be
wizards, dragons.
It was just a very dark home.
And my biological dad would sitat the kitchen table and he
would make jewelry with crystalsbecause he said that's what gave
him power.
And I remember him having gettogethers in the backyard and
doing bonfires and just talkingabout all this power that he
had.
So it was never a hidden thing.
(08:40):
It was something that he wasvery, very open about and
operated in.
Carol (08:45):
I know you mentioned you were only with your biological
father for part of the year.
Do you recall sharing anythingthat was happening at his house
when you returned to your mom'shouse?
Nichole (08:57):
My biological dad ingrained in me that he could
read my mind and if I eventhought bad thoughts about him,
he would kill me and my mom.
So from the time he told methat, I never told anything, I
never let anything slip, becauseI believe that he would know.
So I can remember being back inIndiana and just telling myself,
"Don't think bad thoughts.
Don't think bad thoughts,"because I thought even if I
(09:19):
thought anything bad about him,that he would kill me and my
mom, and I had no doubt that hewould do that.
Carol (09:25):
So wanting to be really sensitive about this, Um, let's
turn to the abuse.
How old were you when ithappened and how did it
eventually stop?
Nichole (09:38):
So I know for sure it was from the ages of seven to
nine.
I do have a little bit ofmemories that it may have even
started before my mom andbiological dad got divorced,
maybe when I was younger.
I don't know that for sure.
I also don't know 100% sure thatit stopped at age nine, but I
know it didn't continue past theage of 12.
(10:01):
The way I got out of it had tohave been God's mercy and God's
grace because people don't juststop like pedophiles and abusers
don't just stop.
When he was abusing me, he hadhis own home and he was married
and he had his own space.
Once he moved back in with hismom and dad, I think it was
because he didn't have access tome in that way anymore.
And he kind of transitioned intooutlets online that consumed his
(10:24):
time and his mind.
And so thankfully it kind ofdiverted away from me.
I think he just didn't haveaccess.
Carol (10:32):
There was a question I wanted to go back to and ask
about the occult.
You had exposure to it andcombined with the abuse.
I'm going to ask this as gentlyas I can.
Did you experiment with theoccult yourself?
Nichole (10:47):
I've always had an issue with repressing memories.
I started that from as soon asthe abuse started.
I can remember being abused nowand laying on the bed and
looking at the ceiling andcounting.
And as I was counting, I wasrepressing.
As a child, I didn't know that'swhat I was doing.
So as a teenager, I startedhaving flashbacks of a lot of
this abuse.
And some of it never wentcompletely away.
(11:09):
I was never able to suppress atall.
But I started having someflashbacks of the ritualistic
abuse and him being into theoccult, and I got really
curious.
And so I went to the library andI checked out some books.
One of the books I checked outwas the Satanic Bible.
I brought it home, and as soonas I brought it home I started
experiencing things.
I had already experienced likedarkness, but this was a level
(11:32):
that I had not experiencedbefore I was inviting it into my
life.
And so I knew immediately Ican't open that.
I took it back and I never gotit again.
I never practiced witchcraft.
I would have never practiced it,but I was curious about it.
I was very, very drawn to horrormovies, the movies with the
occult in them, witchcraft,vampires, witches, all of that.
(11:54):
I was very drawn to that and Ididn't understand why.
I was inviting it in because ofwhat I was watching, but I
didn't understand that at thetime.
I thought,"oh, I'm okay becauseI'm not practicing it."
Carol (12:05):
So you were starting to experience dark things and then
you backed away from it.
Were there any other events orexperiences you had as a
teenager that influenced you?
What were your teenage yearslike?
Nichole (12:20):
As a child and a teenager, it was very difficult.
I hated myself.
I was incredibly shy.
I had headaches.
I had stomachaches.
I did not fit in.
I didn't have a big group offriends.
I felt like everybody hated me,everybody was laughing at me.
I just wanted to disappear.
For most of my life, I justwanted to blend into the wall
and disappear, and nobody seeme.
(12:41):
So I would go to school and ifthe teacher called on me, even
if I knew the answer, I would besaying,"Oh, don't call on me.
Don't call on me." And then, andI would say, I don't know even
if I knew.
I was such an underachiever.
So I got married the first timeat age 16, which was not unusual
for my family.
The women in my family gotmarried very young.
It was never on our radar to goto college and get a career.
(13:04):
It was get married, have babies,and that's what you did in life.
So I got married and themarriage was very, very violent.
There was domestic violenceprobably within six weeks of
getting married.
I got pregnant after we gotmarried and, probably, looking
back, had postpartum depression.
Depression, PTSD, and I was alsoin this violent marriage and I
(13:28):
was at my wits end.
In the meantime, my mom andstepdad were getting really
faithful to their faith and theywere in church and they were
growing and they continued toask me and my husband at the
time to come to church.
There was something in me thatsaid, you know, there's nothing
else that's gonna work like itit is God or nothing else.
And I know now that was Godpulling my heart.
And so we decided, my husband atthe time, decided to go to
(13:50):
church.
We set up an appointment to talkto the pastor and he talked to
us for a while and we decided,yes, this is what we need to do.
And so I surrendered my life tothe Lord.
I was living for the Lord.
And I had a community offaith-filled believers.
But I still never felt like Ifit in.
It was kind of like the samething with my mom and my
(14:12):
stepdad.
It was like I was on the outsidelooking in.
And if they really knew me, theywouldn't accept me, was the
thought that I had.
And I felt dirty and I feltashamed and I still struggled
with depression and I stillstruggled with all of the mental
illness.
But I did have a relationshipwith God.
I started reading the Bible.
I started studying the Bible.
I started praying.
(14:32):
I would hear the Lord's voice,and so there was peace in that.
Carol (14:36):
Oh my goodness.
Such a young age to get married.
I find it remarkable at thattime that you were beginning a
relationship with God as well.
Can you tell us more about that?
Were you on fire for Jesus?
Nichole (14:48):
I feel like at the very beginning, I was on fire for
God.
I was getting in the Word, I wasdevouring and I was going to
Bible studies.
But then my life wasn'tchanging.
The depression wasn't changing.
And because of that and mymarriage, my ex-husband
backslid, the violence startedgetting worse.
It got way worse before I gotout.
And I think that I got my eyesoff of the Lord and then my fire
(15:12):
went out.
I've had some ups and downsalong the way.
Carol (15:17):
Yes, I understand the ups and downs, because you had a
little glimmer of hope, didn'tyou, at that point?
Nichole (15:24):
Yes, I divorced my first husband and there was
infidelity and a lot ofdifferent things.
And I remarried.
And once I remarried, that'swhen I went to college.
I got my degree.
But I could only practice for alittle bit because I was so
mentally damaged myself.
I was in and out of therapy formyself.
I always knew that I wanted tohelp people because I knew how
(15:47):
bad I had suffered and I knewhow difficult my life was, and
therapy had never really helpedme.
But in my mind, I didn't knowanother way to help people, and
so I thought the answer would beI become a therapist.
And the Lord had been speakingto me about helping other
people.
And I would think, but Lord, I'min such a mess.
(16:07):
I can't, how can I help anybodyelse?
I can't even help myself.
But the only thing that keptcoming back to me was, well,
therapy'cause when you talkabout mental illness, there is
no other help in my mind.
That's what I was thinking atthe time.
There is no other help.
So it's what led me down thatroute to think I wanna help
other people because I've had aheart for, especially, kids
who've went through abuse.
It did not turn out well becauseI had not healed, and so I
(16:29):
wasn't able to practice verylong.
Carol (16:32):
Let's return to when you said you experienced darkness.
Can you describe theseexperiences?
Did you have any understandingof what was happening?
Nichole (16:41):
So as a child, the way that it presented is I never
felt alone.
Even if I was in a room that wascompletely by myself, I felt
like I had eyes watching me allthe time.
I couldn't physically see eyes,but I felt like someone was
always standing behind me,breathing down the back of my
neck.
I would be in complete and utterterror.
That's probably not even theright word.
(17:02):
It goes deeper than terror.
I could not sleep at nightbecause as soon as the sun
started going down, it startedgetting dark.
I would have this overwhelmingfear and terror overtake me.
I would feel like somebody waswatching me.
I would have to sleep in bed,like with my grandma.
I couldn't even sleep in a bedacross the room from her.
I couldn't be in a room alone bymyself.
I would feel like there was apresence in the room.
(17:23):
I don't think I saw things as achild, but as a teenager, I
definitely saw what looked likepeople walking through the
rooms.
It wasn't all the time, but Iwould see it.
Sometimes they would look likefull on people, like just
walking through the room.
I would see glimpses of what Icalled shadows.
They looked like people, butlike a person's shadow walking
through the room.
(17:44):
As a teenager, I would sometimeshave my bed shaken.
Well, that happened as an adulttoo.
Like somebody would shake mybed.
I would be laying there andthere was nights like it would
shake for hours.
Like somebody was just in thereshaking it on and on.
I would hear clawing on my wall.
I would hear people walking.
I can trace it back to childhoodfor sure.
Carol (18:02):
So you were having terrifying experiences.
How were these impacting youphysically?
Nichole (18:08):
In my early twenties, I really started declining
physically and mentally andemotionally.
And I started getting furtherfrom God.
I don't wanna say that I everwalked completely away from him,
but I was not on fire for him atall.
I wasn't fully submitted to himin any way, shape, or form.
I got to the point where I didnot understand why God wasn't
(18:30):
setting me free.
Because I knew he could.
"God, I know you can, but Idon't know why you won't." So it
was like he was withholdingsomething from me and that
caused some bitterness and somehurt and some rejection and some
anger.
It was a progression.
It was, it was a definiteprogression.
Um, my twenties and thirtieswere very difficult and it
progressively, day by day, weekby week, year by year,
(18:53):
physically got worse.
Mentally I was worse too, butphysically I was gaining a ton
of weight.
At my highest.
I was, I know I was way past 274because I quit weighing myself.
And so physically it was takinga heavy toll on my body and it
progressively got worse andworse for sure.
So around 2020, I was veryphysically sick.
(19:15):
I was going back and forth tothe Mayo Clinic.
I had this really weirdbreathing issue going on that if
I talked I would cough.
And they couldn't really naildown what was going on.
I'd been to tons of specialistsfor different diagnosis that I
had over the years'cause I alsohad a lot of physical sickness.
Carol (19:32):
Did the COVID shutdown make your physical symptoms
worse, do you think?
Or your mental symptoms?
Nichole (19:38):
I had already had the lung issue before Covid hit, so
I knew it wasn't Covid.
Then the Mayo Clinic shut down.
So I was having all thesebreathing issues and I couldn't
even go to the doctor.
Now fear definitely came in.
It was a very scary time becauseit was the weirdest thing that I
was experiencing.
So, for example, if my husbanddecided to go put something in
the oven one day, it couldtrigger it and I would feel like
(20:00):
I was smothering and I couldn'tbreathe.
And I would take a breathingtreatment and an inhaler just to
get it under control.
There were times I would almosthave to be rushed to the
hospital because it was so bad.
So I don't think that theshutdown had much to do with it,
except that it did bring in morefear and I was just so tired.
I already was not going out.
I mean, I didn't have friends.
(20:20):
I wasn't going out.
I wasn't going around people.
The only people that I visitedwas my mom and stepdad, and I
would go stay at their house andspend a few days at their house.
I was in such chronic pain thatI couldn't even wear blue jeans.
If somebody just touched me, Iwould scream in pain because it
hurt so bad.
I can remember when I would tryto visit a church here and
there.
And, you know, at church, peoplewant hug and it would hurt so
(20:42):
bad.
I felt like someone had justbeat me and I would bruise.
My skin hurt, my body hurt, myeyes hurt.
I was just, to my wits end.
I'm like, Lord, I cannot keepliving like this physically or
mentally.
I also was being bombarded withthoughts of suicide.
Over the years, that got worseand worse and worse.
First it was a few whispers hereand there.
Then it was every single day,all day long,"Your family would
(21:04):
be better if you were dead, youcould just go be with Jesus and
just go rest." And so it was allof it.
I feel like mentally that I wasalmost at a breaking point.
I don't feel like my body couldhave held out much longer, and I
don't think that my mind couldhave held out much longer.
Carol (21:22):
So I hate to leave our story here, Nichole, but I think
this might be a good time topause.
Thank you for sharing yourjourney this far.
I know it's not been an easyone, and I know there's still a
lot more to come.
For instance, what was going onwith your medical health and
what were these dark experiencesand how did you gain freedom
from them?
Friends, please be sure to joinus next time because there's a
(21:45):
tremendous amount of Nichole'sjourney left to share,
especially her transformationfrom lukewarm to on fire for
Jesus.
And if you would like to becomeinvolved in our movement either
to tell your story, or tosupport us, either financially
or by liking and sharing thispodcast, please be sure to visit
our website to learn how.
(22:05):
And, in the meantime, friends,remember God is good.
Welcome to the God is Good Podcast, where we share
stories of everyday people whohave reignited their faith in
Jesus and experienced remarkablelife transformations.
My name is Carol O'Brien, andI'm your host for this podcast.
Before we begin today's episode,I want to share with you that
(00:30):
this is a heavier episode thanwe've done in the past.
It's a beautiful journey to theLord, but it does include topics
that may be hard for somelisteners to hear.
Because of its intensity, we'vebroken it into two parts.
Please listen at your owndiscretion.
"Trust in the Lord with all yourheart.
(00:53):
On your own intelligence, do notrely.
In all your ways, be mindful ofhim and he will make straight
your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6.
This is a popular scriptureamong our storytellers for good
reason.
It reminds us to cling to God inall aspects of our life.
(01:14):
And when we do so, he'll hold usin the palm of his hand and
guide us on the paths that aretruly the right ones for us.
For Nichole, our neweststoryteller, these verses are a
lifeline.
Nichole's life was filled withhardship marked by abuse and
neglect.
Growing up under her father'sfascination with the occult and
(01:37):
horrific abuse, she felt lostand lacked strong guidance.
Drawn to the same practices inan attempt to find
understanding, she realizedalmost immediately she was
inviting unwanted experiencesinto her life.
Her struggles left visible,emotional, spiritual, and mental
(01:57):
scars.
Her road back to God was long,but a dramatic, unexpected
experience marked a profoundhealing.
Now, Nichole shares her storywith others to teach them how to
fully surrender to God, healfrom trauma, and gain freedom
from the evil that tormentsthem.
(02:18):
She even began a new ministry,Fullness of Joy, and has written
multiple books.
Please join me in welcomingNichole to the podcast as we
walk with her on her journey inthis two part episode.
Welcome, Nichole! Let's go aheadand get into your story.
I know it's going to be adifficult one, but let's start
with your faith foundation.
(02:39):
Did you have a strong spiritualfoundation and how did you view
God?
Nichole (02:44):
My mom did not give her heart to the Lord until I was
around 16, 15, 16.
But my grandparents, her mom anddad, they were always in church.
They were very faithful.
So I did go to church with themsome.
I had an understanding of theLord, who he was.
I had more of a vision of him asa demanding God.
Very punitive.
(03:04):
And if you stepped outside theline, he was gonna beat you
upside the head.
I didn't really understand himor his character, so I did not
have a relationship with him,and I only had a skewed view of
who he was.
Carol (03:17):
Oh, that's interesting.
I know that sometimes ourperception of God is related to
how we perceive our parents,especially our fathers.
Is that something that's truefor you?
Nichole (03:29):
I never really thought about what you're asking, what
shaped my view of God?
I had a really hard timetrusting him because I did not
have a trustworthy biologicalfather, and I think that's where
that played more into it.
I think it was more my familywas very legalistic.
It was more about the do's anddon'ts.
So I think that's what kind ofguided my idea of God, like that
(03:51):
there was a set of rules and ifyou follow those rules, you were
in God's favor.
And if you stepped outside ofthose rules, then you were in
big trouble.
Where my relationship with mybiological dad interfered with
my relationship with God wasactually after I gave my heart
to the Lord.
Carol (04:08):
I know you had some challenging childhood
relationships and some that werestrong.
Let's start with your mom.
What was your relationship likewith her?
Nichole (04:17):
I loved my mom and I was close to her, but, I don't
remember a lot of my youngyears, so it's hard to say what
that looked like.
My mom got married when she wasreally young.
She went straight from herparents' house as a teenager.
I think she was 17 when she gotmarried, and my biological dad
abused her from the get go.
(04:37):
He was very violent.
And when she broke free fromthat marriage, I think she felt
free for the first time in herlife.
So when I was young, she dated alot.
She went out a lot.
She worked a lot.
Sometimes she worked two jobs.
My grandma helped raise me andwhen I was 12, my mom remarried
and she's married to my stepdad.
Now they've been married for 30plus years.
(05:00):
And what I've seen in thatmarriage was her creating the
life that she always wanted.
And she had my brother, and theyhad a very good family, the
three of them.
And from a 12 year old'sperspective, I was on the
outside looking in, so I got towatch my mom be the mom to my
brother that I would've loved tohave had.
(05:21):
And that created a lot ofbitterness and a lot of anger
because I never felt like thatthat was the mom that I had.
That was not the life that I wasraised with.
And instead of embracing it andbecoming part of it, I always
felt like I was outside of itbecause I was damaged and I
couldn't fit into their family.
And I only brought grief andrebellion and strife, and so
(05:44):
that created a lot of division.
As an adult, we've mended ourrelationship a lot and we are in
a much, much better place now.
But as a kid, there was a lot ofpain and a lot of hurt.
Carol (05:56):
So it sounds like your relationship with your mom was
good, but there was also someyearning there, something not
quite complete for you.
How was your relationship withyour biological father?
Nichole (06:08):
I don't have any good memories of my biological dad.
From the time I can remember, Ijust feared him and his anger
and his wrath, and I did nothave a good relationship with
him at all.
It was a relationship of fear.
It was fear based.
I don't have any memories of himever playing with toys with me
or...
I just don't have any goodmemories of him.
(06:29):
He was the type of person thatwas very narcissistic.
If you were in his life, it wasfor what you could do for him.
He was violent.
He never physically that I canremember hit me but he sexually
abused me.
I was scared of him.
He was also involved in theoccult and witchcraft, and so
that brought a whole'notherlevel of fear.
(06:51):
He manipulated me saying that hecould read my mind when I was a
child, and as a small child, Ibelieved that.
So it was ingrained in me tofear him.
He's deceased now, and up untilthe time of his death, even when
he was bedbound, I remember justbeing afraid of him.
Carol (07:08):
So there's a lot there.
Let's start with one thing.
How old were you when youremember your father being
involved in the occult?
Nichole (07:21):
My mom and biological dad got divorced when I was
around three, three or four.
He lived in Florida with his momand dad, and she moved back to
Indiana with her family and me,and he was granted visitation in
the summer and every otherChristmas.
I can remember around the age ofseven visiting.
And that was when I met his newwife.
(07:42):
So it would've had to have beenfrom the previous summer to that
summer that they got involved inthe occult and witchcraft I
don't know who introduced who.
I don't know about that part,but I was around seven.
Carol (07:54):
And were these practices something that they brought you
into as well?
Nichole (07:58):
Yes, there was ritualistic abuse, there was
sexual abuse, there was bloodrituals, there was killing of
animals.
I still don't have all of thememories.
I may never, I've given that toGod and I've told him if he
wants them to come back, I'llwalk through it with him.
And if he doesn't then I'm okaywith that.
But I can just remember thehouse would be decorated.
(08:18):
Even the wall hangings, thepictures on the wall would be
wizards, dragons.
It was just a very dark home.
And my biological dad would sitat the kitchen table and he
would make jewelry with crystalsbecause he said that's what gave
him power.
And I remember him having gettogethers in the backyard and
doing bonfires and just talkingabout all this power that he
had.
So it was never a hidden thing.
(08:40):
It was something that he wasvery, very open about and
operated in.
Carol (08:45):
I know you mentioned you were only with your biological
father for part of the year.
Do you recall sharing anythingthat was happening at his house
when you returned to your mom'shouse?
Nichole (08:57):
My biological dad ingrained in me that he could
read my mind and if I eventhought bad thoughts about him,
he would kill me and my mom.
So from the time he told methat, I never told anything, I
never let anything slip, becauseI believe that he would know.
So I can remember being back inIndiana and just telling myself,
"Don't think bad thoughts.
Don't think bad thoughts,"because I thought even if I
(09:19):
thought anything bad about him,that he would kill me and my
mom, and I had no doubt that hewould do that.
Carol (09:25):
So wanting to be really sensitive about this, Um, let's
turn to the abuse.
How old were you when ithappened and how did it
eventually stop?
Nichole (09:38):
So I know for sure it was from the ages of seven to
nine.
I do have a little bit ofmemories that it may have even
started before my mom andbiological dad got divorced,
maybe when I was younger.
I don't know that for sure.
I also don't know 100% sure thatit stopped at age nine, but I
know it didn't continue past theage of 12.
(10:01):
The way I got out of it had tohave been God's mercy and God's
grace because people don't juststop like pedophiles and abusers
don't just stop.
When he was abusing me, he hadhis own home and he was married
and he had his own space.
Once he moved back in with hismom and dad, I think it was
because he didn't have access tome in that way anymore.
And he kind of transitioned intooutlets online that consumed his
(10:24):
time and his mind.
And so thankfully it kind ofdiverted away from me.
I think he just didn't haveaccess.
Carol (10:32):
There was a question I wanted to go back to and ask
about the occult.
You had exposure to it andcombined with the abuse.
I'm going to ask this as gentlyas I can.
Did you experiment with theoccult yourself?
Nichole (10:47):
I've always had an issue with repressing memories.
I started that from as soon asthe abuse started.
I can remember being abused nowand laying on the bed and
looking at the ceiling andcounting.
And as I was counting, I wasrepressing.
As a child, I didn't know that'swhat I was doing.
So as a teenager, I startedhaving flashbacks of a lot of
this abuse.
And some of it never wentcompletely away.
(11:09):
I was never able to suppress atall.
But I started having someflashbacks of the ritualistic
abuse and him being into theoccult, and I got really
curious.
And so I went to the library andI checked out some books.
One of the books I checked outwas the Satanic Bible.
I brought it home, and as soonas I brought it home I started
experiencing things.
I had already experienced likedarkness, but this was a level
(11:32):
that I had not experiencedbefore I was inviting it into my
life.
And so I knew immediately Ican't open that.
I took it back and I never gotit again.
I never practiced witchcraft.
I would have never practiced it,but I was curious about it.
I was very, very drawn to horrormovies, the movies with the
occult in them, witchcraft,vampires, witches, all of that.
(11:54):
I was very drawn to that and Ididn't understand why.
I was inviting it in because ofwhat I was watching, but I
didn't understand that at thetime.
I thought,"oh, I'm okay becauseI'm not practicing it."
Carol (12:05):
So you were starting to experience dark things and then
you backed away from it.
Were there any other events orexperiences you had as a
teenager that influenced you?
What were your teenage yearslike?
Nichole (12:20):
As a child and a teenager, it was very difficult.
I hated myself.
I was incredibly shy.
I had headaches.
I had stomachaches.
I did not fit in.
I didn't have a big group offriends.
I felt like everybody hated me,everybody was laughing at me.
I just wanted to disappear.
For most of my life, I justwanted to blend into the wall
and disappear, and nobody seeme.
(12:41):
So I would go to school and ifthe teacher called on me, even
if I knew the answer, I would besaying,"Oh, don't call on me.
Don't call on me." And then, andI would say, I don't know even
if I knew.
I was such an underachiever.
So I got married the first timeat age 16, which was not unusual
for my family.
The women in my family gotmarried very young.
It was never on our radar to goto college and get a career.
(13:04):
It was get married, have babies,and that's what you did in life.
So I got married and themarriage was very, very violent.
There was domestic violenceprobably within six weeks of
getting married.
I got pregnant after we gotmarried and, probably, looking
back, had postpartum depression.
Depression, PTSD, and I was alsoin this violent marriage and I
(13:28):
was at my wits end.
In the meantime, my mom andstepdad were getting really
faithful to their faith and theywere in church and they were
growing and they continued toask me and my husband at the
time to come to church.
There was something in me thatsaid, you know, there's nothing
else that's gonna work like itit is God or nothing else.
And I know now that was Godpulling my heart.
And so we decided, my husband atthe time, decided to go to
(13:50):
church.
We set up an appointment to talkto the pastor and he talked to
us for a while and we decided,yes, this is what we need to do.
And so I surrendered my life tothe Lord.
I was living for the Lord.
And I had a community offaith-filled believers.
But I still never felt like Ifit in.
It was kind of like the samething with my mom and my
(14:12):
stepdad.
It was like I was on the outsidelooking in.
And if they really knew me, theywouldn't accept me, was the
thought that I had.
And I felt dirty and I feltashamed and I still struggled
with depression and I stillstruggled with all of the mental
illness.
But I did have a relationshipwith God.
I started reading the Bible.
I started studying the Bible.
I started praying.
(14:32):
I would hear the Lord's voice,and so there was peace in that.
Carol (14:36):
Oh my goodness.
Such a young age to get married.
I find it remarkable at thattime that you were beginning a
relationship with God as well.
Can you tell us more about that?
Were you on fire for Jesus?
Nichole (14:48):
I feel like at the very beginning, I was on fire for
God.
I was getting in the Word, I wasdevouring and I was going to
Bible studies.
But then my life wasn'tchanging.
The depression wasn't changing.
And because of that and mymarriage, my ex-husband
backslid, the violence startedgetting worse.
It got way worse before I gotout.
And I think that I got my eyesoff of the Lord and then my fire
(15:12):
went out.
I've had some ups and downsalong the way.
Carol (15:17):
Yes, I understand the ups and downs, because you had a
little glimmer of hope, didn'tyou, at that point?
Nichole (15:24):
Yes, I divorced my first husband and there was
infidelity and a lot ofdifferent things.
And I remarried.
And once I remarried, that'swhen I went to college.
I got my degree.
But I could only practice for alittle bit because I was so
mentally damaged myself.
I was in and out of therapy formyself.
I always knew that I wanted tohelp people because I knew how
(15:47):
bad I had suffered and I knewhow difficult my life was, and
therapy had never really helpedme.
But in my mind, I didn't knowanother way to help people, and
so I thought the answer would beI become a therapist.
And the Lord had been speakingto me about helping other
people.
And I would think, but Lord, I'min such a mess.
(16:07):
I can't, how can I help anybodyelse?
I can't even help myself.
But the only thing that keptcoming back to me was, well,
therapy'cause when you talkabout mental illness, there is
no other help in my mind.
That's what I was thinking atthe time.
There is no other help.
So it's what led me down thatroute to think I wanna help
other people because I've had aheart for, especially, kids
who've went through abuse.
It did not turn out well becauseI had not healed, and so I
(16:29):
wasn't able to practice verylong.
Carol (16:32):
Let's return to when you said you experienced darkness.
Can you describe theseexperiences?
Did you have any understandingof what was happening?
Nichole (16:41):
So as a child, the way that it presented is I never
felt alone.
Even if I was in a room that wascompletely by myself, I felt
like I had eyes watching me allthe time.
I couldn't physically see eyes,but I felt like someone was
always standing behind me,breathing down the back of my
neck.
I would be in complete and utterterror.
That's probably not even theright word.
(17:02):
It goes deeper than terror.
I could not sleep at nightbecause as soon as the sun
started going down, it startedgetting dark.
I would have this overwhelmingfear and terror overtake me.
I would feel like somebody waswatching me.
I would have to sleep in bed,like with my grandma.
I couldn't even sleep in a bedacross the room from her.
I couldn't be in a room alone bymyself.
I would feel like there was apresence in the room.
(17:23):
I don't think I saw things as achild, but as a teenager, I
definitely saw what looked likepeople walking through the
rooms.
It wasn't all the time, but Iwould see it.
Sometimes they would look likefull on people, like just
walking through the room.
I would see glimpses of what Icalled shadows.
They looked like people, butlike a person's shadow walking
through the room.
(17:44):
As a teenager, I would sometimeshave my bed shaken.
Well, that happened as an adulttoo.
Like somebody would shake mybed.
I would be laying there andthere was nights like it would
shake for hours.
Like somebody was just in thereshaking it on and on.
I would hear clawing on my wall.
I would hear people walking.
I can trace it back to childhoodfor sure.
Carol (18:02):
So you were having terrifying experiences.
How were these impacting youphysically?
Nichole (18:08):
In my early twenties, I really started declining
physically and mentally andemotionally.
And I started getting furtherfrom God.
I don't wanna say that I everwalked completely away from him,
but I was not on fire for him atall.
I wasn't fully submitted to himin any way, shape, or form.
I got to the point where I didnot understand why God wasn't
(18:30):
setting me free.
Because I knew he could.
"God, I know you can, but Idon't know why you won't." So it
was like he was withholdingsomething from me and that
caused some bitterness and somehurt and some rejection and some
anger.
It was a progression.
It was, it was a definiteprogression.
Um, my twenties and thirtieswere very difficult and it
progressively, day by day, weekby week, year by year,
(18:53):
physically got worse.
Mentally I was worse too, butphysically I was gaining a ton
of weight.
At my highest.
I was, I know I was way past 274because I quit weighing myself.
And so physically it was takinga heavy toll on my body and it
progressively got worse andworse for sure.
So around 2020, I was veryphysically sick.
(19:15):
I was going back and forth tothe Mayo Clinic.
I had this really weirdbreathing issue going on that if
I talked I would cough.
And they couldn't really naildown what was going on.
I'd been to tons of specialistsfor different diagnosis that I
had over the years'cause I alsohad a lot of physical sickness.
Carol (19:32):
Did the COVID shutdown make your physical symptoms
worse, do you think?
Or your mental symptoms?
Nichole (19:38):
I had already had the lung issue before Covid hit, so
I knew it wasn't Covid.
Then the Mayo Clinic shut down.
So I was having all thesebreathing issues and I couldn't
even go to the doctor.
Now fear definitely came in.
It was a very scary time becauseit was the weirdest thing that I
was experiencing.
So, for example, if my husbanddecided to go put something in
the oven one day, it couldtrigger it and I would feel like
(20:00):
I was smothering and I couldn'tbreathe.
And I would take a breathingtreatment and an inhaler just to
get it under control.
There were times I would almosthave to be rushed to the
hospital because it was so bad.
So I don't think that theshutdown had much to do with it,
except that it did bring in morefear and I was just so tired.
I already was not going out.
I mean, I didn't have friends.
(20:20):
I wasn't going out.
I wasn't going around people.
The only people that I visitedwas my mom and stepdad, and I
would go stay at their house andspend a few days at their house.
I was in such chronic pain thatI couldn't even wear blue jeans.
If somebody just touched me, Iwould scream in pain because it
hurt so bad.
I can remember when I would tryto visit a church here and
there.
And, you know, at church, peoplewant hug and it would hurt so
(20:42):
bad.
I felt like someone had justbeat me and I would bruise.
My skin hurt, my body hurt, myeyes hurt.
I was just, to my wits end.
I'm like, Lord, I cannot keepliving like this physically or
mentally.
I also was being bombarded withthoughts of suicide.
Over the years, that got worseand worse and worse.
First it was a few whispers hereand there.
Then it was every single day,all day long,"Your family would
(21:04):
be better if you were dead, youcould just go be with Jesus and
just go rest." And so it was allof it.
I feel like mentally that I wasalmost at a breaking point.
I don't feel like my body couldhave held out much longer, and I
don't think that my mind couldhave held out much longer.
Carol (21:22):
So I hate to leave our story here, Nichole, but I think
this might be a good time topause.
Thank you for sharing yourjourney this far.
I know it's not been an easyone, and I know there's still a
lot more to come.
For instance, what was going onwith your medical health and
what were these dark experiencesand how did you gain freedom
from them?
Friends, please be sure to joinus next time because there's a
(21:45):
tremendous amount of Nichole'sjourney left to share,
especially her transformationfrom lukewarm to on fire for
Jesus.
And if you would like to becomeinvolved in our movement either
to tell your story, or tosupport us, either financially
or by liking and sharing thispodcast, please be sure to visit
our website to learn how.
(22:05):
And, in the meantime, friends,remember God is good.
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