Gay Party Politics: Who’s In, Who’s Out, and Why It Matters

Thanks for the invite. Who’s coming?

When we receive an invite to an all gay event, what’s the first thing we do?

Sure, we look at the theme of the party, the location, the date, but those are usually secondary considerations to the big question, “who’s going?”

This is really a multiprong question: Will I feel comfortable with these guys? Is there anyone there I’d like to to date or fuck? Will anyone there want to date or fuck me? Will these guys bore me to death?

Basically, am I physically and intellectually attracted to the guys who are going, and will they have a hankering for what I have to offer?

The current political consensus of our people demands inclusiveness. As I understand the edict, nothing should prevent us from inviting every type of human expression (body shape/size, sex, gender identity, ability, color, or socioeconomic background) to our event.

That’s “inclusive,” and it’s the right thing to do. Right?

Is that what you’re thinking as you scroll the invite list? I’m guessing it’s not your highest priority.

Are we already breaking the rules by just inviting gay men? Of course we are. And, of course, we’ll keep doing it.

Because that’s how diversity works, we can’t have cultural diversity if we don’t have a diversity of cultures.

Gay male culture is defined by our same sex attraction for one another. Yes, we share many other common interests, like show tunes, but no attribute is as universal as our same sex attraction. That aspect is intrinsic to our gay get-togethers. It’s often the centerpiece, whether overtly recognized or not.

This causes a conundrum for those who want to create an affinity group (exclusive space) and your friend group is a mixed crowd, many of whom will not qualify, when one of the aims of the gathering is to provide space for erotic connections.

This creates an awkward challenge as I continue my experiment of finding heart-centered connection instead of churning through meaningless sexual encounters.

Meaningless sex is a simple endeavor: We both decide if we want what the other guy has. We both give and take. Done. Goodbye forever.

Heart-centered connections that include an erotic overlay are vastly more complicated, mainly because we genuinely want the best for guys we care about and don’t want to add any negative baggage to the often heavy psychic load many of us are already carrying.

“You’re not invited,” or “Thank you, but I don’t want to dance with you,” creates tension.

Before I move on, let me be clear that there are all kinds of other “gay” events (that are usually not all gay men) where this is completely a non-issue. Events like banquette fundraisers, which are a whole culture themselves, where your donation is your most attractive feature; gay sports teams, where your athletic ability is the premium feature; and political clubs, where your connections, ability to mesmerize a room, and access to cash make you politically attractive.

When a gay event also includes the possibility of erotic connection, the politically correct mantra of everyone, everywhere, all the time, or else you're a scumbag bigot, wears thin.

A problem with the “everyone is equally beautiful” mantra is that it is simply not true. Physical beauty is determined by millions of years of evolution, and a fat dollop of conditioning received via social media. You may want Ryan Gosling to want you back (I know I do), but giving him all your attention deprives you of the opportunities available to you with other guys–the guys who are aesthetically similar to you.

Another hard reality is to be realistic about whom you have access to on a physical level. “LA is a city of 10s looking for an 11,” was a line in an old gay movie called Latter Days that still rings true. All those 10s are wasting time.

Anyway, for those of you planning or attending sexually social events, here are a couple of ideas you can try out to make the gatherings more fulfilling.

* Admit that private affinity groups exist and honor people’s decision to have them. This means finding it in your heart to cheer them on for taking the risk and making an effort to create such a group, even when you are not invited. There is a sex party in LA that only allows men under 40. I don’t qualify, but I remember when I was under 40, I would have LOVED such a party. So good on them.

* Learn how to say “no” and hear “no” with grace. These boundary-setting techniques are something most of us were never taught. I know I had to learn them the hard way .css-j9qmi7{display:-webkit-box;display:-webkit-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webkit-flex-direction:row;-ms-flex-direction:row;flex-direction:row;font-weight:700;margin-bottom:1rem;margin-top:2.8rem;width:100%;-webkit-box-pack:start;-ms-flex-pack:start;-webkit-justify-content:start;justify-content:start;padding-left:5rem;}@media only screen and (max-width: 599px){.css-j9qmi7{padding-left:0;-webkit-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webkit-justify-content:center;justify-content:center;}}.css-j9qmi7 svg{fill:#27292D;}.css-j9qmi7 .eagfbvw0{-webkit-align-items:center;-webkit-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;color:#27292D;}