What Really Happens on a Gay Cruise?

“Hey! It’s you guys. I didn’t know you’d be on the ship!”  

It takes me two full seconds to recognize the tall, lean Italian with dark eyes and grey-speckled beard stubble before a surge of joy-filled love overtakes me. I embrace him with one arm and squeeze my husband’s wrist in the elevator bay crowded with men in costumes. 

“Dennis! Look who it is!” 

We are taking a bathroom break during the first themed dance party of the seven-day March 2024 Atlantis Events (99% gay) cruise on the Valiant Lady, a Virgin Voyages ship that left from and will return to San Juan, Puerto Rico. 

The theme of tonight’s dance party is “Tropical Heat,” we are wearing black lines of “warrior paint” on our faces, red headbands, red tights, and the one pair of black Adidas sneakers that will need to support every activity this week. 

“Oh, my gawd! It is so good to see you!” says Dennis, squeezing through the crowd to give him a full-bodied hug. 

We met this man and his beautiful husband precisely three years ago on this same ship in the Mediterranean, out of Barcelona. Our connection on the dance floor translated into two memorable visits to our private stateroom with the four of us. It was a connection unlike most of the others because of its effortless blend of intense erotic pleasure and sensitive, emotional openness. I was genuinely sad when we said goodbye in the galley food area on the last day of that cruise in 2021. 

This is what keeps us coming back. Freedom. Joy. Sex. But mostly, love. 

These cruises provide what is no longer offered on land (in the United States): a 24/7 space dedicated to gay men’s comfort and delight for all ages and body types. 

This is my seventh cruise with Atlantis, and I’ve learned that the cornucopia of activities available makes it possible for every kind of gay, no matter his age, body type, activity interests, or cultural inclinations, to have a blissful journey. 

These cruises have something for every kind of gay. 

* Circut Party Gays 

* His body and wardrobe are maximized for dancefloor impact. 

* Wearing either a minimal thong & face full of glitter, or a full-blown themed group costume with yards of fabric blowing in the sea air, posing for a group photo. 

* Often embodied in one of the most objectively beautiful physiques on the ship. 

* Pupils dilated, he sometimes never sees the light of day. 

* He emerges after dark, is at least an hour late to the party, and routinely closes down the after-party at 6:30 AM.

* Standard Narrative Gays

* Wearing the latest short-sleeved button-down shirt from L.L. Bean. 

* They are having the cruise your mom might have.

* They have booked as many excursions off the ship as possible.

* Discussion about open relationships never happened before the cruise, and they’d prefer that other gays stop bringing it up.

* Alcohol is the only acceptable drug, and there is always a drink in their hand.

* They have a persistent neurotic expression, asking, “What if pics of this get out?” 

* Old Gays 

* Wearing whatever the fuck they want, which is either complete comfort or full fabulous. 

* These men are genuinely happy to be alive and willing to engage with anyone who makes eye contact. 

* They make eye contact.  

* Many are up early, enjoying the sunrise.

* The oldest (I chatted up a 92-year-old) get decked out in the party themes of red, white, pink, etc. Find a seat overlooking the dance floor and remain transfixed for hours, chatting with the oldster beside him as the Virgin staff keep them hydrated. 

* Sluty Gays

* Wearing their best guy-getting gear. Often in St33le shorts. 

* Looking for every opportunity to suck it, stick it in, or receive. 

* Down Low (DL) sluts project all their assets: butts out on the dance floor, styled super sexy on the pool deck, etc., but need to be out of sight of their friends to “go downstairs.” 

* Open sluts, wearing something similar, will make offers and respond to sexual proposals casually, without shame. 

* Guys in Slut Mode stalk the dick deck (a part of the ship designated for anonymous sex), know the good bathrooms for hook-ups, and are always ready to “go downstairs.”

* Sober Gays

* They show up to the party ready to engage (dance, hookup, whatever) without needing their drugs to kick in.  

* They are at the dance parties early and seldom see the sun come up. 

* Their erections are much more predictable than dosing Circut Gays and drunk Standard Narrative Gays. 

* Their conversations