Family issues can steal your sleep and ruin your appetite. You may want to avoid certain family members but at the same time want to give them a piece of your mind due to the pain that they have caused you.
The reality is that if you had tried giving that family member a piece of your mind, it probably boomeranged on you and you neither felt good nor solved any problems. You were probably accused of causing more problems.
Families also have secrets. These so-called secrets are bad secrets that talking about them brings the painful emotion of shame and embarrassment. Families have members who are addicts, convicts, perpetrators, just plain evil people. Many go around feeling the stress of hiding family secrets from the world; if the secret gets out there will be catastrophic consequences of a global nature.
Talking about family in therapy is a prevalent topic. Hopefully, going through therapy will also help people stop feeling like they are in hiding and being healthier.
I must use the term “healthier” because there are range of family situations with their own types of dysfunctions. Family dysfunction is such a complex topic as there is a whole discipline of family therapy. I admit that I will never get this subject precise or perfect in 10 minutes or less, but I will try to frame this in terms of Good Mental Health, and that starts with insight and emotional intelligence.
Why do our families bug us so much? We can get so lost in our emotions that we lose perspective about emotions and trauma.
The family relationship is different. We have emotional ties to these people because we have spent our life with these people. Family is our identity and our source of allegiance and because of identify and allegiance we tend to tolerate unfair, rude, and abusive behaviors from them. We will defend family members right or wrong because blood is thicker than water. If a friend acts unfairly, rudely, or abusively, the friendship is over.
Family members also tend to talk in emotional terms towards one another. They tell each other,
You make me mad.
You hurt them.
You made them mad.
You offended them.
You worry me.
You worry them.
You don’t feel that way.
I have told many clients over the years that they may have to adapt a new rule: “Everyone is responsible for their own feelings.” The person who says “You make me mad,” is shirking their responsibility for their own coping and thinking. I could go farther than that but I will stop.
The other matter of insight for now has to do with secrets. A common statement is that you are only as sick as your secrets. Indeed families can hold some very sick secrets. They vary in terms of toxicity, severity, and embarrassment, but every family has them. Some family members have committed heinous crimes and have abused children. Some family members have engaged in offensive or rebellious behaviors.
Regardless, when it comes to feeling as if you are hiding family secrets, you can choose to feel that you are not hiding the secret. Of course, you are not necessarily going to talk about it, but you do not have to go around feeling as if you are hiding it. See the reality is that the world is full of 8 billion people who are too busy handling their own lives. The average, good person is not going to come up and ask you “Well, what family secrets are you hiding?”
The end game hopefully is living a life where someone feels less stressed and obsessed with family dysfunction.
As I look to wrap up this episode, I have to say that for many, the practice of improved insight and emotional intelligence may just be a start. Family dysfunction can be the source of much pain and sadness. This podcast is a form of self-help, and finding a therapist to talk through the stories and to talk about your pain may be what is necessary to grow as a person and reduce how much family dysfunction affects you.