Grief and Loss at the Holidays

Grief is a big issue at the holidays. I think it matters because it goes up against the Andy Williams expectation of it being the most wonderful time of the year and the happiest season. Break ups, death, and tragedy respect no date or time; they happen when they happen. 

When there is grief at the holidays, the holidays feel like a hurricane. For those of you who have lived in hurricane zones, you can agree that they talk about it about non-stop for days and even weeks that a hurricane is coming and so you have better be prepared to go home, lock yourself in and wait for the storm to pass. 

When the stores are closed and the holiday parties are over, what is usually left are the family gatherings on Christmas Day and Christmas Eve, which can be the longest, loneliest days of the year because of grief and loss.

Grief is a normal, emotional process that happens when there is a loss of significance or importance.

Of course, there is one other form of grief that is significant at the holidays: break ups and divorces. It can be paralyzing. 

I still adhere to the Kubler-Ross view of grief of loss.  It is a series of emotional stages.  We have the shock with the loss, then we have the different emotional responses to the pain of the loss.  We feel anger and then we might feel depressed.  Eventually, the average person reaches the stage of acceptance and moves on.

Somewhere in there is the bargaining stage of grief, we might try to bargain to regain what was lost.  Bargaining is more prevalent when it comes to relationship break ups.

Getting back to the here and now.  You just do not feel like it getting into the Christmas, and you know why.

There is a challenge for people with kids and grandkids.  They still matter and you should do something to celebrate the holiday with them.   You do not want to be a grinch now do you?

Good mental health does not mean that you are going to feel good and that you are going to at times hurt because of the situation.

Good mental health means that we experience life with all its pain and we seek to be as healthy as possible within our capabilities and skills.  Being healthy often means rationally using coping skills and strategies.

So, skill #1: For those of us grieving, it can be very helpful to tell ourselves that we are grieving and that it is okay. There is nothing wrong with us grieving.   Repeat to yourself again and again.

Skill #2: What matters in the here and now? I have what I have.   Grief does not excuse me from everything that I need to do in the here and now.

Skill #3: Cry when you need to cry.  People hate looking weak.  Part of the growth process of grief is being able to cry without shame.  I think that there is always going to be tendency to apologize for tears because tears make others uncomfortable, but don’t deny yourself your humanity.  Humans of all ages cry for various reasons.  Grief is a good reason to cry.  Furthermore, crying now means better mental health later.

Skill #4: Do at least one thing different this year that is healthy for the holiday. 

Caution: drinking alcohol in excess when you are grieving is not good mental health.  Alcohol makes people impulsive and both say and do things that are not healthy like get into fights and even make people entertain more emotional thoughts like thoughts of ending their lives to go and be with the loved one.

Which brings me to my usual outcue: If you are currently experiencing thoughts of wanting to end your life, go to sleep and not wake up or kill yourself, I would encourage you to call the national suicide hotline at 800-273-8255.  That’s 800-273-TALK or you can dial 988 from any phone in North America.