September 11, 2025 • 22 mins
Navigating the tumultuous waters of parenting teenagers leaves many of us feeling adrift and questioning our effectiveness. This raw, unfiltered conversation with parenting expert Mihaela Plugarasu offers a lifeline to parents struggling with children of all ages, particularly those weathering the storm of adolescence.
Mihaela reveals the profound truth that our teenagers serve as mirrors, reflecting our unresolved issues back to us with startling clarity. "By the time they're 13, they're our product," she explains, highlighting how our parenting choices during the first seven years establish the foundation for all future interactions. This perspective shift helps explain why even parents doing significant personal growth work may still struggle with their teens—the relationship patterns were established long before our own awakening began.
The most transformative insight emerges around the concept of self-parenting. Mihaela compassionately describes how parents often unconsciously regress to childlike emotional states when triggered by their children's behavior. This creates an impossible dynamic where "a child is trying to parent a child." Through practical techniques like strategic timeouts, conscious breathing, and physical grounding, parents can recognize these regressions and return to their regulated adult selves.
Rather than focusing on what to say to our children, Mihaela emphasizes the critical importance of listening. A dysregulated child physically cannot process parental wisdom because their prefrontal cortex temporarily goes "offline" during emotional flooding. The parent's primary responsibility becomes providing a regulated nervous system that can co-regulate with the child's, creating safety for authentic connection.
Whether you're parenting toddlers, teens, or any age between, this episode offers both validation for your struggles and practical tools to transform your approach. Discover how to break generational patterns and create the connected, conscious relationship with your child that you've always wanted. Visit parentingmadeconscious.com to access Mihaela's free weekly newsletter and additional resources to support your parenting journey.
For more information call (305) 433-0769 or visit https://www.mihaelaplugarasu.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is the Good Neighbor Podcast, the place
where local businesses andneighbors come together.
Here's your host, Jeremy Wolf.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Well, hello, hello, friends, family, wonderful
community.
We are back for another episodeof the Good Neighbor Podcast.
You know to all those parentsout there, we all know that
parenting can be ratherchallenging.
As many of you know, I have twokids, myself 11, and my
daughter just turned 13.
And, if I'm being honest, weare going through it right now
(00:35):
with our 13-year-old.
It has been challenging, to saythe least.
So I was at the local DaveyCooper City Chamber of Commerce
luncheon the other day and I metour next guest.
I was at the local Davie CooperCity Chamber of Commerce
luncheon the other day and I metour next guest and she worked
in the parenting space and Ithought it would make a lot of
sense to have her on the showand talk about what she does.
(00:55):
I'm here with Mahila Plujerusu.
I just butchered her name.
I'm sorry about that.
We'll get that right later.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
She is, with Parenting, made Conscious.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Mahila, thank you for joining us today.
Thank you, jeremy, and hello toeveryone who's listening.
Yes, yes, all right.
So why don't we start there?
Tell everybody a little bitabout your business.
Tell us what you do atParenting Made Conscious,
conscious.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Yes, so I am a certified parenting by
connection educator.
I am also a college professor.
I am also a certifiedneuromindfulness master coach
and in the last two years and ahalf I've always trained in the
(01:42):
Compassionate Inquiry forProfessionals program with Dr
Gabor Mate.
Some of your listeners willknow who he is, but he is a
trauma and addiction specialistvery much focused on the impact
of childhood on humandevelopment, and I've been
(02:03):
working with parents now forover six years.
I am also a parent myself.
My son is also 13, 13 and ahalf, and I believe it's the
most important work that anyadult can put their attention
into.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
It is definitely the most important and, like I said
earlier, the most challenging,and I am familiar with Dr Gabor
Amate's work and a lot of whatyou do.
I was reading a little bit abouthow your approach weaves
psychology, neuroscience,spirituality.
These are all things that havebeen a big part of my life over
the last five or six years, withmy own spiritual and personal
(02:45):
growth development journey.
So a lot of this stuff has beenon my radar and it's so funny,
the more work I seem to do in myown life, it's not translating
to my child.
So I think there's like we puta lot of pressure on ourselves
as parents because our kidsmirror what we do, but at some
level our kids becomeindependent agents and they're
(03:08):
making their own decisions now.
So the struggles that I'mhaving with my daughter it's
perplexing me because, again,I'm doing a lot of work in my
own life but it seems like it'sjust not translating into her
life and I'm trying to kind ofskirt this line and walk this
balancing act and I'm having alot of time, a lot of a lot of
issues.
Are there any tips or tricksthat you can give me, being that
this is what you do and youhave a 13 year old.
(03:29):
What can I start doing at hometo create some balance in my own
situation?
Speaker 3 (03:37):
Yeah, so teenagers are a very special demographic,
and I agree with you.
I think teenagers arepresenting us, the parents, with
very profound mirrors of thethings that we have not been, we
(04:05):
have not resolved for ourselvesyet Our unresolved issues.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
they mirror that back to us and it triggers us even
more, because we know these arethings that are unresolved in us
, that need work on, and we'vebeen avoiding the work.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
So it's yeah so I want to invite parents who have
either toddlers or teenagers and, by the way, I forgot to
mention that I also wrote a bookcalled Conscious Parenting of
your Toddler, for parents withyoung children under the age of
10.
But toddlers and teenagers,they present very difficult
(04:43):
challenges for us parentsbecause they they are both in
the process of individuation.
So, of course, at differentlevels, a toddler is just
discovering the world for thefirst time in their life.
That small little brain getsthe perception that I am a
(05:07):
different person, from my momparticularly, but from my mom
and dad.
So they start exploring andthey start pushing back and
saying no, and that's thebeginning of the process of
individuation.
But they're still verydependent on the adult in their
lives.
Where the teenager they'recontinuing their process of
(05:31):
individuation and complete andtotal, radical separation from
mom and dad and they areindependent to some degree.
They can really walk out ifthey don't want to continue the
conversation.
So they are letting us knowthat they don't need us as much
(05:54):
as they did before.
The reason even though theystill do need us, the reason
teenagers are such a challenge,is because they are the product
of our parenting.
So if a toddler is a very youngchild and maybe he's two or
(06:20):
three or four.
There is nothing really.
There's no history there.
We can't really blame anyonefor whatever the dynamic is, is
it?
He's a baby?
She's a baby, she's justgrowing up and we're there to
mold them and we don't knowwhere this journey is taking us.
But by the time they're 13,they're our product.
There is nowhere to hide,because that's our result,
(06:44):
that's the outcome.
So in my coaching with theparents whom I work with, I
emphasize to the nth degree theimportance of parenting in zero
to seven, because that is thefoundation of the pyramid.
If we want to think about lifeor parenting as a pyramid, let's
(07:07):
think about the base of thatpyramid.
That's what we do in zero toseven, and then we can still
correct things after seven,because the brain of the child
is still very, very, verymoldable and shapeable.
But after the age of 12, thereis something in the human brain
(07:32):
that closes off and that's whyteenagers are so difficult.
Now I have to say parents whohave been doing conscious,
present, responsible parentingin zero to 12, they have an okay
time with their teenagers afterthe age of 12, 13, because the
(07:53):
base is very strong, therelationship is solid, there is
trust, there is respect, thereis communication.
It's a safe place in which boththe child and the parent can
make mistakes and they stillcome back together.
But that takes 12 years of veryhard work in the beginning.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Wow.
So that really hit me on afundamental level what you just
said.
It makes so much sense how,once they get, they turn into
teenagers.
As a parent, when you're seeingthem have these shortcomings,
it does.
It's like a reflection, likeyou said, of the work that
you've done, or the lack of workthat you've done, and it feeds
(08:40):
into that feeling in your ownmind of you.
Know what's the word I'mlooking for.
I'm having a tough time withthis, mihaly, simply because I
am struggling right now with myown child and a lot of this
stuff is hitting so deeply on anemotional level.
So you have to forgive me ifI'm a little bit scattered Green
(09:00):
.
There's a lot of emotionssurrounding this issue for me
right now.
Speaker 3 (09:04):
No, I'm actually very happy that we're going in this
conversation so natural andfluid and unscripted and real,
because it is real for all theparents.
I mean I've been parenting myson in the most trained and
educated and conscious and Imean I went back to school just
(09:28):
to learn to be a present parentfor him ever since he was born.
Even though my base training isa teacher.
I discovered very quickly thatI am not equipped to be the
parent that I want to be.
And I had the training, I hadthe degrees, I had the
(09:50):
understanding of early childhooddevelopment and I was still, I
didn't feel, equipped.
So I went back to school, Istarted training and studying
and I never stopped since then.
So it's good for the listenersto see that whatever they're
doing, they are good people.
(10:12):
Whatever they're doing, theyare good people, they are
well-intentioned and they don'tknow all the answers.
Nobody does, but that doesn'texonerate us from the
responsibility of gettingeducated and looking for help.
(10:33):
You know, working with someonewho can help us become better at
protecting the relationship isnot shameful, it's courageous.
Because I don't know if youwant to go into the bigger layer
of societal destruction thatwe're in right now.
(10:54):
With teenagers, with youngadults, with Gen Zers I mean.
I teach college level.
I can see at a societal levelthe byproduct of modern
parenting and it doesn't look,look good, and it's not the
(11:15):
children's fault.
So there are so many layers.
You know, we talk about devicesand smartphones and how, how
soon, parents make thatavailable to their young
children, toddlers.
We go to restaurants and we seefamilies sitting down and a
two-year-old with an iPadbecause the parents believe that
(11:38):
that's what it takes to keepthem quiet.
So there are so many layers tothis.
What I want to invite parentsto reflect on is we're all good
people.
Parents are good people, wehave good people.
Parents are good people, wehave good intentions, but modern
life is not the most difficulttime in human history to raise
(12:04):
children.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
So for that reason, we all need help 100%, and you
know, I was reading a little biton your website.
You describe your work asconscious parenting, starting
with self-parenting, and this isanother thing that really hits
home to me, because, as a parentthat's having issues with my
(12:28):
children, if I sit there andbeat myself up over this and I
look at this as, oh, this isjust a failure in my own ability
to be a parent, well, thatdoesn't help anything.
Now I'm being a bad parent tomyself and I'm creating a
situation where I'm justteaching my children that if
(12:48):
things are going wrong, then youjust beat yourself up over it
and you really got to giveyourself some grace in these
situations.
What does self-parenting meanand why is it so central to
raising kids in today's society?
Speaker 3 (13:04):
Okay, yes, it's a very important question and I'll
get back to that in one second.
I didn't want to leave ourlisteners hanging on your first
question, which was give me sometips of what I can do home
right now.
Right, if I have a teenager,but even if you have a
(13:24):
10-year-old at home, if you havea 7-year-old, they are already
pushing back if you haven't donea really solid job in 0 to 7.
So the first thing that I wantto tell our listeners is we have
to learn to listen more.
(13:45):
We teach too much, we preachtoo much and we don't offer the
modeling by which the child canshape themselves after.
And that modeling starts withour capacity to listen more.
(14:07):
So in Parenting by Connection,we talk about five listening
tools, and there is a reason,and it's, of course,
science-backed andevidence-based.
There's a connection betweenconnection and listening,
between connection and listening, because connection, which
means a safe space between twopeople, it cannot happen unless
(14:36):
one is able to do most of thelistening.
Why?
Because a nervous system who isdysregulated, which is usually
the child, or at first is thechild, then the parent becomes
dysregulated, but let's just saythe child goes into a tantrum
(14:57):
or an emotional episode, rage.
If we have a teenager, that's adysregulated nervous system.
If we have a teenager, that's adysregulated nervous system.
What that child needs in thatmoment is someone who can hold
that space for them.
It doesn't matter how smart weare and how many life lessons we
(15:17):
can teach, there is nobody theyare able to hear, because the
brain is a machine and it'scomplicated.
But when the emotion takes overthe prefrontal cortex, which is
responsible for executivethinking, critical thinking,
self-regulation, that goesoffline.
(15:37):
I want parents to imagine alight bulb that's being
unplugged.
It's dark, so that dysregulatednervous system can co-regulate
in the presence of a regulated,calm nervous system, which is
ultimately the most importantand only responsibility of a
(15:59):
parent.
So, to go back to your question, that's how we can start making
a difference.
Today is increasing our capacityto listen, which is very hard
because parents are verysensitive, they're very fragile,
they get triggered, shame andself-blame kicks in, and then it
(16:21):
becomes all about us, theparent.
I do so much for you.
Look at everything I do for you.
I take you there, I do this andit's all about us.
So now we become the child whoneeds mommy or daddy to validate
our sacrifices, and that'swhere self-parenting comes in.
(16:44):
So I'm closing from the mature,adult, self-regulated brain in
(17:13):
the room into the young child'sdysregulated brain in the room.
So it doesn't mean I'm doingsomething wrong.
It doesn't mean something iswrong with me or that I went
from being the adult into myselfnow being the younger self.
(17:53):
Then I can take a step back andI can apply immediate techniques
and practices which could be.
I excuse myself.
I say to my child I love you.
I can see that we're goingthrough a bit of a rough time
right now.
This is not about you.
(18:14):
You did nothing wrong.
Allow me to go to my room.
I need to take one minute formyself and I will be right back.
I will be with you and I'llcontinue listening and paying
attention.
Be right back, I will be withyou and I'll continue listening
and paying attention to yourneeds, but for one minute I'm
excusing myself.
That's just one example.
We can use breath.
(18:35):
Breath is always available tous.
We can use connecting to ourbelly, to our solar plexus, to
our capacity to take air inexhale.
So there's a lot of things thatwe can do in the moment only if
we have the capacity to noticethat we regressed from being the
(18:58):
adult into being the child,because then we have a child
trying to parent a child and ourchildren notice the shift and
they can't respect that right,because a child is fundamentally
very self-focused and there isan order of things in nature
(19:19):
that's the right thing to do forthem until they really become
independent or moreinterdependent by no earlier
than 18, we should expect fullindependence and self-regulation
from our children.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
So many useful tips and tricks.
We could go on with this forquite some time.
Unfortunately, we have to leaveit at that.
For those out there that arelistening, that are also
experiencing some issues intheir parenting, what's the best
way they could reach out toconnect with you?
Please share, maybe, yourwebsite, your contact
information.
Let our listeners know how bestto connect.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
Yes.
So if they go to my website,they can Google
parentingmadeconsciouscom itwill take them to my website or
my name, mihailaplugarashocom.
Either way, the first thingthey will notice is a window
that will pop up asking them tosubscribe to my weekly
(20:25):
newsletter, which is a freeresource.
I send that out every Saturdaymorning with a lot of tips and
tools and recommendations andthings like that.
So that's the first thing Forall the moms who are listening.
I want them to know that I hostand facilitate a monthly
(20:46):
women's circle on Zoom, andthat's also free for all moms
and women all women, regardlessof being a mother or not.
So I welcome all women to jointhe Women's Circle on Zoom, and
then they can buy my book ifthey have young children, and
(21:06):
they can reach out to me with anemail, a DM on Instagram if
they want to work with meone-on-one.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
Wonderful.
We will, of course, drop a linkin the description below to all
your contact information.
Mahila truly appreciate thework that you're doing, touching
so many people, clearly makingan impact on our society, so
thank you for everything thatyou do truly.
Speaker 3 (21:30):
Thank you, jeremy, and thank you to everyone who's
listening to your podcast.
It's great.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Yeah, thanks everyone for tuning in.
We will catch everyone nexttime on the next episode of the
Good Neighbor Podcast.
Everyone, take care.
Have a lovely day.
Bye.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
Thanks for listening to the Good Neighbor Podcast
Cooper City.
To nominate your favorite localbusiness to be featured on the
show, go to GNPCooperCitycom.
That's GNPCooperCitycom, orcall 954-231-3170.
This is the Good Neighbor Podcast, the place
where local businesses andneighbors come together.
Here's your host, Jeremy Wolf.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Well, hello, hello, friends, family, wonderful
community.
We are back for another episodeof the Good Neighbor Podcast.
You know to all those parentsout there, we all know that
parenting can be ratherchallenging.
As many of you know, I have twokids, myself 11, and my
daughter just turned 13.
And, if I'm being honest, weare going through it right now
(00:35):
with our 13-year-old.
It has been challenging, to saythe least.
So I was at the local DaveyCooper City Chamber of Commerce
luncheon the other day and I metour next guest.
I was at the local Davie CooperCity Chamber of Commerce
luncheon the other day and I metour next guest and she worked
in the parenting space and Ithought it would make a lot of
sense to have her on the showand talk about what she does.
(00:55):
I'm here with Mahila Plujerusu.
I just butchered her name.
I'm sorry about that.
We'll get that right later.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
She is, with Parenting, made Conscious.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Mahila, thank you for joining us today.
Thank you, jeremy, and hello toeveryone who's listening.
Yes, yes, all right.
So why don't we start there?
Tell everybody a little bitabout your business.
Tell us what you do atParenting Made Conscious,
conscious.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Yes, so I am a certified parenting by
connection educator.
I am also a college professor.
I am also a certifiedneuromindfulness master coach
and in the last two years and ahalf I've always trained in the
(01:42):
Compassionate Inquiry forProfessionals program with Dr
Gabor Mate.
Some of your listeners willknow who he is, but he is a
trauma and addiction specialistvery much focused on the impact
of childhood on humandevelopment, and I've been
(02:03):
working with parents now forover six years.
I am also a parent myself.
My son is also 13, 13 and ahalf, and I believe it's the
most important work that anyadult can put their attention
into.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
It is definitely the most important and, like I said
earlier, the most challenging,and I am familiar with Dr Gabor
Amate's work and a lot of whatyou do.
I was reading a little bit abouthow your approach weaves
psychology, neuroscience,spirituality.
These are all things that havebeen a big part of my life over
the last five or six years, withmy own spiritual and personal
(02:45):
growth development journey.
So a lot of this stuff has beenon my radar and it's so funny,
the more work I seem to do in myown life, it's not translating
to my child.
So I think there's like we puta lot of pressure on ourselves
as parents because our kidsmirror what we do, but at some
level our kids becomeindependent agents and they're
(03:08):
making their own decisions now.
So the struggles that I'mhaving with my daughter it's
perplexing me because, again,I'm doing a lot of work in my
own life but it seems like it'sjust not translating into her
life and I'm trying to kind ofskirt this line and walk this
balancing act and I'm having alot of time, a lot of a lot of
issues.
Are there any tips or tricksthat you can give me, being that
this is what you do and youhave a 13 year old.
(03:29):
What can I start doing at hometo create some balance in my own
situation?
Speaker 3 (03:37):
Yeah, so teenagers are a very special demographic,
and I agree with you.
I think teenagers arepresenting us, the parents, with
very profound mirrors of thethings that we have not been, we
(04:05):
have not resolved for ourselvesyet Our unresolved issues.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
they mirror that back to us and it triggers us even
more, because we know these arethings that are unresolved in us
, that need work on, and we'vebeen avoiding the work.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
So it's yeah so I want to invite parents who have
either toddlers or teenagers and, by the way, I forgot to
mention that I also wrote a bookcalled Conscious Parenting of
your Toddler, for parents withyoung children under the age of
10.
But toddlers and teenagers,they present very difficult
(04:43):
challenges for us parentsbecause they they are both in
the process of individuation.
So, of course, at differentlevels, a toddler is just
discovering the world for thefirst time in their life.
That small little brain getsthe perception that I am a
(05:07):
different person, from my momparticularly, but from my mom
and dad.
So they start exploring andthey start pushing back and
saying no, and that's thebeginning of the process of
individuation.
But they're still verydependent on the adult in their
lives.
Where the teenager they'recontinuing their process of
(05:31):
individuation and complete andtotal, radical separation from
mom and dad and they areindependent to some degree.
They can really walk out ifthey don't want to continue the
conversation.
So they are letting us knowthat they don't need us as much
(05:54):
as they did before.
The reason even though theystill do need us, the reason
teenagers are such a challenge,is because they are the product
of our parenting.
So if a toddler is a very youngchild and maybe he's two or
(06:20):
three or four.
There is nothing really.
There's no history there.
We can't really blame anyonefor whatever the dynamic is, is
it?
He's a baby?
She's a baby, she's justgrowing up and we're there to
mold them and we don't knowwhere this journey is taking us.
But by the time they're 13,they're our product.
There is nowhere to hide,because that's our result,
(06:44):
that's the outcome.
So in my coaching with theparents whom I work with, I
emphasize to the nth degree theimportance of parenting in zero
to seven, because that is thefoundation of the pyramid.
If we want to think about lifeor parenting as a pyramid, let's
(07:07):
think about the base of thatpyramid.
That's what we do in zero toseven, and then we can still
correct things after seven,because the brain of the child
is still very, very, verymoldable and shapeable.
But after the age of 12, thereis something in the human brain
(07:32):
that closes off and that's whyteenagers are so difficult.
Now I have to say parents whohave been doing conscious,
present, responsible parentingin zero to 12, they have an okay
time with their teenagers afterthe age of 12, 13, because the
(07:53):
base is very strong, therelationship is solid, there is
trust, there is respect, thereis communication.
It's a safe place in which boththe child and the parent can
make mistakes and they stillcome back together.
But that takes 12 years of veryhard work in the beginning.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Wow.
So that really hit me on afundamental level what you just
said.
It makes so much sense how,once they get, they turn into
teenagers.
As a parent, when you're seeingthem have these shortcomings,
it does.
It's like a reflection, likeyou said, of the work that
you've done, or the lack of workthat you've done, and it feeds
(08:40):
into that feeling in your ownmind of you.
Know what's the word I'mlooking for.
I'm having a tough time withthis, mihaly, simply because I
am struggling right now with myown child and a lot of this
stuff is hitting so deeply on anemotional level.
So you have to forgive me ifI'm a little bit scattered Green
(09:00):
.
There's a lot of emotionssurrounding this issue for me
right now.
Speaker 3 (09:04):
No, I'm actually very happy that we're going in this
conversation so natural andfluid and unscripted and real,
because it is real for all theparents.
I mean I've been parenting myson in the most trained and
educated and conscious and Imean I went back to school just
(09:28):
to learn to be a present parentfor him ever since he was born.
Even though my base training isa teacher.
I discovered very quickly thatI am not equipped to be the
parent that I want to be.
And I had the training, I hadthe degrees, I had the
(09:50):
understanding of early childhooddevelopment and I was still, I
didn't feel, equipped.
So I went back to school, Istarted training and studying
and I never stopped since then.
So it's good for the listenersto see that whatever they're
doing, they are good people.
(10:12):
Whatever they're doing, theyare good people, they are
well-intentioned and they don'tknow all the answers.
Nobody does, but that doesn'texonerate us from the
responsibility of gettingeducated and looking for help.
(10:33):
You know, working with someonewho can help us become better at
protecting the relationship isnot shameful, it's courageous.
Because I don't know if youwant to go into the bigger layer
of societal destruction thatwe're in right now.
(10:54):
With teenagers, with youngadults, with Gen Zers I mean.
I teach college level.
I can see at a societal levelthe byproduct of modern
parenting and it doesn't look,look good, and it's not the
(11:15):
children's fault.
So there are so many layers.
You know, we talk about devicesand smartphones and how, how
soon, parents make thatavailable to their young
children, toddlers.
We go to restaurants and we seefamilies sitting down and a
two-year-old with an iPadbecause the parents believe that
(11:38):
that's what it takes to keepthem quiet.
So there are so many layers tothis.
What I want to invite parentsto reflect on is we're all good
people.
Parents are good people, wehave good people.
Parents are good people, wehave good intentions, but modern
life is not the most difficulttime in human history to raise
(12:04):
children.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
So for that reason, we all need help 100%, and you
know, I was reading a little biton your website.
You describe your work asconscious parenting, starting
with self-parenting, and this isanother thing that really hits
home to me, because, as a parentthat's having issues with my
(12:28):
children, if I sit there andbeat myself up over this and I
look at this as, oh, this isjust a failure in my own ability
to be a parent, well, thatdoesn't help anything.
Now I'm being a bad parent tomyself and I'm creating a
situation where I'm justteaching my children that if
(12:48):
things are going wrong, then youjust beat yourself up over it
and you really got to giveyourself some grace in these
situations.
What does self-parenting meanand why is it so central to
raising kids in today's society?
Speaker 3 (13:04):
Okay, yes, it's a very important question and I'll
get back to that in one second.
I didn't want to leave ourlisteners hanging on your first
question, which was give me sometips of what I can do home
right now.
Right, if I have a teenager,but even if you have a
(13:24):
10-year-old at home, if you havea 7-year-old, they are already
pushing back if you haven't donea really solid job in 0 to 7.
So the first thing that I wantto tell our listeners is we have
to learn to listen more.
(13:45):
We teach too much, we preachtoo much and we don't offer the
modeling by which the child canshape themselves after.
And that modeling starts withour capacity to listen more.
(14:07):
So in Parenting by Connection,we talk about five listening
tools, and there is a reason,and it's, of course,
science-backed andevidence-based.
There's a connection betweenconnection and listening,
between connection and listening, because connection, which
means a safe space between twopeople, it cannot happen unless
(14:36):
one is able to do most of thelistening.
Why?
Because a nervous system who isdysregulated, which is usually
the child, or at first is thechild, then the parent becomes
dysregulated, but let's just saythe child goes into a tantrum
(14:57):
or an emotional episode, rage.
If we have a teenager, that's adysregulated nervous system.
If we have a teenager, that's adysregulated nervous system.
What that child needs in thatmoment is someone who can hold
that space for them.
It doesn't matter how smart weare and how many life lessons we
(15:17):
can teach, there is nobody theyare able to hear, because the
brain is a machine and it'scomplicated.
But when the emotion takes overthe prefrontal cortex, which is
responsible for executivethinking, critical thinking,
self-regulation, that goesoffline.
(15:37):
I want parents to imagine alight bulb that's being
unplugged.
It's dark, so that dysregulatednervous system can co-regulate
in the presence of a regulated,calm nervous system, which is
ultimately the most importantand only responsibility of a
(15:59):
parent.
So, to go back to your question, that's how we can start making
a difference.
Today is increasing our capacityto listen, which is very hard
because parents are verysensitive, they're very fragile,
they get triggered, shame andself-blame kicks in, and then it
(16:21):
becomes all about us, theparent.
I do so much for you.
Look at everything I do for you.
I take you there, I do this andit's all about us.
So now we become the child whoneeds mommy or daddy to validate
our sacrifices, and that'swhere self-parenting comes in.
(16:44):
So I'm closing from the mature,adult, self-regulated brain in
(17:13):
the room into the young child'sdysregulated brain in the room.
So it doesn't mean I'm doingsomething wrong.
It doesn't mean something iswrong with me or that I went
from being the adult into myselfnow being the younger self.
(17:53):
Then I can take a step back andI can apply immediate techniques
and practices which could be.
I excuse myself.
I say to my child I love you.
I can see that we're goingthrough a bit of a rough time
right now.
This is not about you.
(18:14):
You did nothing wrong.
Allow me to go to my room.
I need to take one minute formyself and I will be right back.
I will be with you and I'llcontinue listening and paying
attention.
Be right back, I will be withyou and I'll continue listening
and paying attention to yourneeds, but for one minute I'm
excusing myself.
That's just one example.
We can use breath.
(18:35):
Breath is always available tous.
We can use connecting to ourbelly, to our solar plexus, to
our capacity to take air inexhale.
So there's a lot of things thatwe can do in the moment only if
we have the capacity to noticethat we regressed from being the
(18:58):
adult into being the child,because then we have a child
trying to parent a child and ourchildren notice the shift and
they can't respect that right,because a child is fundamentally
very self-focused and there isan order of things in nature
(19:19):
that's the right thing to do forthem until they really become
independent or moreinterdependent by no earlier
than 18, we should expect fullindependence and self-regulation
from our children.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
So many useful tips and tricks.
We could go on with this forquite some time.
Unfortunately, we have to leaveit at that.
For those out there that arelistening, that are also
experiencing some issues intheir parenting, what's the best
way they could reach out toconnect with you?
Please share, maybe, yourwebsite, your contact
information.
Let our listeners know how bestto connect.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
Yes.
So if they go to my website,they can Google
parentingmadeconsciouscom itwill take them to my website or
my name, mihailaplugarashocom.
Either way, the first thingthey will notice is a window
that will pop up asking them tosubscribe to my weekly
(20:25):
newsletter, which is a freeresource.
I send that out every Saturdaymorning with a lot of tips and
tools and recommendations andthings like that.
So that's the first thing Forall the moms who are listening.
I want them to know that I hostand facilitate a monthly
(20:46):
women's circle on Zoom, andthat's also free for all moms
and women all women, regardlessof being a mother or not.
So I welcome all women to jointhe Women's Circle on Zoom, and
then they can buy my book ifthey have young children, and
(21:06):
they can reach out to me with anemail, a DM on Instagram if
they want to work with meone-on-one.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
Wonderful.
We will, of course, drop a linkin the description below to all
your contact information.
Mahila truly appreciate thework that you're doing, touching
so many people, clearly makingan impact on our society, so
thank you for everything thatyou do truly.
Speaker 3 (21:30):
Thank you, jeremy, and thank you to everyone who's
listening to your podcast.
It's great.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Yeah, thanks everyone for tuning in.
We will catch everyone nexttime on the next episode of the
Good Neighbor Podcast.
Everyone, take care.
Have a lovely day.
Bye.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
Thanks for listening to the Good Neighbor Podcast
Cooper City.
To nominate your favorite localbusiness to be featured on the
show, go to GNPCooperCitycom.
That's GNPCooperCitycom, orcall 954-231-3170.
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