June 5, 2025 • 41 mins
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Disciplining our children is one of the most challenging aspects of parenting. As a new mom, I found myself constantly avoiding those tough moments of correction because they stirred up so many difficult emotions and left me feeling utterly inadequate. Maybe you've felt that same sense of defeat after yet another power struggle with your child—wondering if you missed some crucial parenting class that everyone else seemed to attend.
In this episode we'll look at the differences between discipline, correction, and punishment, offering a grace-filled perspective. Discipline isn't just about enforcing rules; it's about discipleship—walking alongside our children and showing them the way. When we understand that correction is simply putting something right that's out of alignment, and punishment should have natural connections to the behavior, our approach shifts.
The four key principles shared in this episode changed my parenting journey for the better: getting crystal clear on what you're actually training your children to do; building a relationship strong enough to sustain correction; believing your child genuinely wants to obey you (even when all evidence points to the contrary); and leveraging natural consequences instead of arbitrary punishments. That third principle was particularly helpful with me one son who seemed determined to challenge every boundary I set.
What if your child's seemingly rebellious behavior isn't rebellion at all, but simply immaturity that needs patient training? What if the power struggles you're experiencing stem from your own perspective more than your child's heart? These questions helped me move from frustrated anger to connected leadership, and they might just transform your parenting too. Listen in for practical wisdom on reaching your child's heart while maintaining healthy boundaries, creating a home where both grace and truth can flourish.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Audrey (00:00):
Hello friend, welcome back to Grace For my Home.
What a blessing it is to beback with you again this week.
As you know, if you're aregular listener, I'm in the
middle of a five-week replayseries.
I'm going back and replayingour five most popular podcast
episodes, and I'm doing that fora number of reasons.
(00:21):
Number one there's a lot ofpeople who haven't heard these
those of you who are newerlisteners.
These are some of the ones thatI recorded quite some time ago
two to three years ago and Ithink they're some of the best,
and so I want to give you anopportunity to hear them.
Also, I am taking some timebefore summer starts to work on
(00:42):
some projects.
I released my first bookOctober of last year and I'm
working on my second.
This book is going to be adevotional and I'm really
looking forward to it, but Ineed some time to concentrate on
it, to just work on that book,because I want to get it out
into the world, and I'm workingon some other things that I
(01:03):
think you'll like.
The episode that I'm re on someother things that I think you'll
like the episode that I'mre-releasing today is called
Discipline, correction andPunishment.
Oh my, and in this podcast Italk about how to discipline and
correct our children, and I'mgoing to tell you this is
probably, to me, one of thehardest parts of being a parent.
As a new mom, I reallystruggled in this area.
(01:26):
Honestly, disciplining andcorrecting my boys was so
difficult for me that there weretimes that I just wanted to
avoid it at all costs, eventhough I know they needed it.
It just stirred up so many bademotions and memories in me and
it always left me feelingdefeated and incapable of being
(01:47):
a good mom.
And I'm not exaggerating Ihated when I had to deal with
discipline issues with my boys.
You know, I just wishedeverything could have always
been happy, but it's not.
And when you're training youngmen and women and that's what
they are they're kids today, buteventually they're going to be
men and women.
When you's what they are,they're kids today, but
eventually they're going to bemen and women when you're
(02:07):
training them and you want toteach them right, it takes
correction, it takes discipline,and so I needed a lot of help
and I couldn't just changeovernight.
You know.
I just wanted to, to just bedifferent, and I couldn't, and I
had to come to grips with a lotof issues in my own heart, and
(02:28):
so in this podcast I'm going tospeak on those things, on that
topic, and I really do hope thatit's an encouragement to you.
I don't know everything, I don'tpretend to know everything, but
I have been through some thingsand hopefully something that
I've been through or somethingthat the Lord has helped me with
will help me to encourage youin that area.
(02:48):
So I hope you enjoy this.
Please reach out.
I would love to hear from you.
I'm still around, even thoughI'm doing this replay series.
I would love to hear from you.
I'm still blogging.
I'm still sending out weeklyemails.
So look in the show notes fordifferent ways to communicate
with me and let me know you'relistening.
(03:08):
That would just bless me somuch.
Hope you have a wonderful weekand I hope you enjoy this
episode.
Hi friends, welcome back toGrace From my Home.
Hope you're doing well thisweek.
I wanted to talk with you aboutsomething that I guess I've been
avoiding it a little bit.
Maybe a little bit, but Iwanted to talk with you about
(03:31):
discipline and correction andpunishment.
And I say avoiding it becausethat's probably not my favorite
subject, not my favorite topic,not because I don't think it's
important, but because I thinkit can be difficult, or I should
say it was.
It has been difficult for meand I don't even like telling
(03:55):
you that, because I tell youthat and you may ask, you know,
you may think well, why am Ilistening to her?
Why on earth would I listen toher?
And I just want to say, becauseif it's difficult for you, then
maybe you just need to hearthat you're not alone, that
that's just a difficult subject.
And as a young mom, I just feltlike I was not very good at
(04:20):
correction at the discipline,didn't always know how to deal
with those situations when mychildren would disobey me, when
they would not listen to me orrespond to me the way that I
thought they should, and therewas something inside of me that
felt like there was somethingwrong with me or that somehow I
missed the class.
I really did.
I felt like, you know, so manypeople seem to know what they
(04:43):
were doing and when it came tothose subjects to me, I just
felt like I missed that classsomewhere.
And you know, and what wasreally frustrating was when my
husband could do and say thesame things but they responded
differently to me and that wasreally frustrating.
And so so, if you're, I saythat.
(05:06):
I just put that out there.
So you, so that if you canrelate, if you also struggle in
those areas, I want you to knowyou're not alone and that if God
can help me, he can helpanybody.
You know, and I don't come toyou.
I try not to come to you eachweek as someone who has it all
together.
I'm not to come to you eachweek as someone who has it all
together.
I'm not, I'm someone who is inthe process.
(05:29):
But I've learned some thingsalong the way and I hope that
something that I say today willbe helpful to you.
But I'll just start off bysaying that you know I did not
grow up in a Christian home.
Saying that, you know I did notgrow up in a Christian home, so
sometimes I felt like that wasa disadvantage because I didn't
(05:49):
always know how to handlecertain situations.
But I have met many peoplealong the way who did grow up in
Christian homes.
They still struggled in thisarea.
I think these are just hardsubjects and we always I think
it's our human nature that wewant to do better.
You know that we.
You know, we've seen how thingshave been done in the past
(06:11):
maybe in our homes or, you know,in other generations and we
think I want to do better.
And I think that's a godlything.
You know, I think it's right towant to do better, I think it's
right to want to give ourchildren better.
And so I really, you know, whenI found out that I was going to
(06:32):
have a child, I just, you know,you imagine I'm going to be the
best mom.
I'm just going to put all myeffort into this, I'm just going
to try really hard.
And you know I'm just going tobe the best mom.
And you feel that way becauseyou love these children so much
and you want to do everythingright by them.
But you don't turn into a newperson just because you had a
(06:52):
child or became a mom.
I mean, a lot of things aboutyou change.
You know, the things you careabout change right, but you as a
person, your character, yourstrengths, your weaknesses,
you're still the same person.
And so when we become moms andwe have all these aspirations, a
(07:13):
lot of times it takes us awhile to catch up with our
aspirations.
You know, we're still that sameperson.
We still have the same flaws,we still have the same mindsets
person.
We still have the same flaws,we still have the same mindsets.
And so when we become a mom, inorder to be the mom that in our
mind we see we want to be,sometimes it's not our children,
it's us that have to havemindset shifts, it's us.
(07:38):
And so when I became a mom and Ihad these wonderful ideas of
how this wonderful mom I wantedto be and I realized I was far
from that I had to change.
You know, I had to come togrips with some things about me
that if I was going to be themom that I saw in my mind's eye,
(07:59):
that I wanted to be, that Icould be, that I wanted my
children to have, then I wasgoing to have to let the Lord
deal with me, with my heart, andchange me and make me that
person.
But one of the things, you know, that was very hard for me as a
young mom was discipline andcorrection.
I guess those are two things,aren't they?
(08:19):
But they go hand in hand.
So discipline and correctionand that was not easy for me
because I really struggled inthat area.
You know, honest confession, Iwanted to avoid those things at
all cost, because I didn't likemyself.
When I tried to discipline andcorrect my children, it usually
(08:44):
ended up something like this youknow, my boys would do
something that I didn't like orthat I knew they shouldn't be
doing, or that I had told themnot to do, and I would try to be
gentle and kind and tell themno, let's not do that, that's
not what we're supposed to do.
And of course they would do itanyway.
And then, you know, I wouldraise my voice a little bit just
(09:06):
to assert my authority and sayno, no, no, honey, we're not
going to do that.
Remember, mama asked you not todo that.
And of course they would stilldo that, right.
And so then I would take it upa notch.
Well, and every time I take itup a notch, they're matching me,
right.
I mean, there it's, now it up anotch.
They're matching me, right.
I mean, now it's a battle ofthe wheels and it's becoming
(09:33):
frustrating, and they're stillnot listening to me.
And so the gentleness and thekindness, they fly out the
window and I'm going over intothe frustrated, angry side.
And when it's all said and done,I was trying to deal with their
bad behavior.
And, when it's all said anddone, I was trying to deal with
their bad behavior.
But I have to come to gripswith my own bad behavior, which
I can't justify by saying theymade me angry, right, because
(09:54):
I'm an adult.
They're the children, I'm theadult.
And so there was this viciouscycle for me of frustration and
anger, and then the guilt, andthen the confusion, like, well,
how was I supposed to handlethis anyway?
And I wanted to do thingsdifferently, but I had no idea
(10:15):
how, and I just needed a lot ofhelp.
You know, I couldn't figure itout.
I couldn't just change.
You know, I just wanted to justflip the switch and just be a
better mom, be a different mom,be a different person.
You know, I don't wish youcould just decide today I'm
going to be a different personand be a different person.
It doesn't work that way.
You know, we are who we are andwe can grow and we can change.
(10:38):
But we are like.
We're like trees, you know,trees grow slow.
They take in what they needright from the environment
around them.
They take in the nutrients fromthe soil, they take the
sunlight from above, they takethe water from the rain and they
grow, but you don't look outand see them grow in one day.
(11:01):
And that's how we are.
We are growing, hopefully.
We're getting the right thingsto grow, we're getting the right
knowledge to grow, we'regetting.
The Son of God above God'sgrace is shining on us.
We're becoming, but it is aprocess, and so the first step
of the process is to want tochange.
(11:23):
Right, you can't change somebodywho doesn't want to change or
who doesn't see their need tochange.
And I saw very clear my needfor change and as God's grace
helped me and he had to help meeven to believe I could change,
because after you go in thatcycle for a while, you start
thinking, well, I'm just a badperson, I'm a bad mom, I'm never
(11:47):
going to change.
I've tried and tried and tried.
But I think sometimes we haveto get to that point to realize
that I need help, that I can'tdo this on my own, and then we
invite God in to help us.
So you know, as I went throughthis, I realized I really need
to see correction and disciplinethrough God's eyes.
(12:11):
I need a biblical perspectiveon this, because I obviously
don't have a biblicalperspective.
I don't see this God's way.
And I want to read, just to showyou this in the Word, because I
think this scripture herecaptures the heart of the Lord
when it comes to discipline.
(12:31):
But it's from Hebrews 12,verses 9 through 11.
It says us and we respectedthem for it how much more should
we submit to the Father ofSpirits and live?
They disciplined us for alittle while as they thought
best, but God disciplines us forour good, in order that we may
(12:56):
share in his holiness.
No discipline seems pleasant atthe time, but painful Later on.
However, it produces a harvestof righteousness and peace for
those who have been trained byit, and that's what we want for
us and that's what we want forour children.
We want them to be disciplined,we want them to be trained.
(13:16):
You know, we want them to havethat harvest of righteousness
and peace, and we, as moms,we're part of that training team
for our children.
I want to just hit a few thingstoday that I think will be
helpful for you.
First of all, discipline meansto train someone to behave in a
(13:39):
desired way.
Discipline comes from the sameword that disciple comes from.
A disciple is someone whosubmits to or follows a more
knowledgeable or a wiser personso they can be trained by that
person in order to become morelike them.
We think of Jesus and the 12disciples.
They walked with Jesus.
(14:02):
Jesus taught them, he was closewith them.
They were becoming more liketheir master.
Jesus said when a disciple isfully trained, he's like his
master.
And so that's the worddiscipline, and discipleship and
discipline.
(14:22):
They're a lifetime process.
It's not something that we dooccasionally or we do when we
can fit it in our schedule.
Discipleship is a lifestyle.
It is a way of life.
It's always going on.
It doesn't always includecorrection, it doesn't always
include punishment.
It is a lifestyle.
(14:42):
It's living our life before ourchildren so that they can
become like us, which means wegot to be the people that we
want them to be like.
Right.
That's what discipleship islike, and discipline comes from
that becoming a discipled person.
Discipline also carries thatidea of a self-controlled person
(15:05):
.
You know we say a disciplinedperson is one who has
self-control.
Correction means to put right orto adjust something that's out
of alignment so that canfunction properly and according
to a standard.
See, correction happens at aspecific time.
It's an event.
You know where discipleship isthe whole process.
(15:30):
Correction is a specific eventor an occurrence, and it's
necessary.
It's a necessary part ofdiscipleship.
Now we will be corrected, so wecan be like our teacher.
It's a tool that the teacheruses to bring the student into
alignment.
Think about a violin teacher.
(15:51):
This violin teacher is teachingthe student to use the correct
form.
We'll say the student doesn'tuse the correct form.
So the teacher steps in andsays no, no, no, do it this way.
And he corrects his form.
He says put it here.
You know, hold it here.
And he does this so that so thestudent can play the violin
better and also so the musicwill be beautiful.
(16:15):
It's a matter of instruction andcorrection and it's putting
things right.
You know it doesn't necessarilyrequire punishment, right Right
, it's just correction when wesee something out of a line.
No, not this way, do it thisway.
Punishment is a negativeconsequence for wrongdoing.
(16:36):
It's intended to limit or stopthe wrong behavior.
And you know I've just readthese off to you.
I've just, you know from mynotes I've talked to you about
discipline and discipleship andcorrection and punishment.
But I'll be honest with you,when I first became a mom and I
was trying to do these things,they weren't that clear to me.
(16:59):
It's easy to write them onpaper and one, two, three.
But when I got in the middle ofit I didn't know what I was
trying to do.
They all seemed to muddletogether.
What are you to do?
What's a mom to do when she'snever had that kind of
instruction or training but shewants to give it to her children
?
For me, I had to turn to Jesusfor wisdom because I felt like
(17:23):
he had given me this assignmentRaise these little ones for me.
And as I prayed, as I turned toJesus for wisdom, he was
faithful.
He was faithful to give me thewisdom that I needed.
He shed more and more light onmy path.
He taught me as I taught mychildren.
(17:46):
You know I was learning, theywere learning.
In the end, we all learnedtogether.
But for now, I want to sharewith you four suggestions that
helped me to disciple mychildren for Jesus, even when I
felt like a complete failure.
The first one is get clear onyour goals.
(18:07):
What are you training yourchildren to do or to be?
That is so important because ifwe don't know, how are they
going to know If we don't givethem specific and clear
instructions and what we expectand what we want and what the
(18:27):
desired behavior is.
If we don't make it obvious,then punishment or correction,
it's just going to frustratethem and it's going to frustrate
us.
You know, we may think it'sobvious, we may think, well,
they should know better.
Well, they may not know better.
You know we may think, oh well,they know, they're not supposed
(18:49):
to run through the libraryscreaming.
But we have to tell them overand over and over every time you
go to the library.
Right, we have to give themexplicit instructions, and I
encourage you to make a list ofthe most important lessons that
(19:09):
you want to teach your childrenbefore they leave your home.
What kind of character traitsyou want to instill in them?
What kind of values do you wantto pass on to them?
Write down your goals, and youdon't have to, they don't have
to be the ones you keep forever.
You can adjust it, you canchange it, you know, but get
something written down so youknow what the goal is.
(19:32):
Then you have something toteach, you have something to aim
for, you have something tocorrect when they go off of that
established goal.
But otherwise the goal is fuzzy, the path isn't clear, and so
it's like you're punishing,you're correcting, but they
weren't really sure what thegoal was in this first place.
So make sure that it's clear.
(19:53):
Even if you think it's clear,make sure it's clear to them.
You know, for example I'll giveyou an example of this One of
the most important lessons thatI wanted to teach my children
was to obey me and to obey theirfather, to obey the authority
in their life, because if theycan't obey us, they will not be
(20:14):
able to obey God.
You know, obedience is it's ahard issue.
And as we train them to obey usit's not that we just want to
be the ogres that.
You know, they have to doeverything we say it's a hard
issue.
We're teaching them how to obeyGod.
If they can't obey us, teachingthem how to obey God.
If they can't obey us, theycan't obey God.
And so, as we're teaching themto obey us, as we're training
(20:37):
them to obey us, then they'relearning how to obey God.
And you know, another thing wasI wanted them to have to be able
to and this goes along with thefirst one I wanted them to be
able to accept correction fromus with a humble heart.
You know, when I corrected them, I wanted them to be able to
(21:00):
listen, to take it, you know, tonot get frustrated or mad or,
you know, or have a bad attitude.
Now, that's hard for adults,that's hard for me I mean nobody
likes to be corrected so youknow, it's hard for a
four-year-old.
So that in itself will help ushave grace with them, because
(21:22):
these are hard concepts foranybody.
But knowing that that's whatI'm training, knowing that
that's the goal, helped me tohelp them, helped me to train
them.
So have a goal in mind,verbalize it, get it on paper,
make it plain to understand, andthat'll make it so much more
(21:43):
helpful for you and for them.
It's like you'll be speakingthe same language.
So that was number one.
You'll be speaking the samelanguage.
So that was number one.
Number two training worksbetter in the context of a
strong relationship.
Now I discovered that alltraining works better when I
focus on the relationship overthe training, or when the
(22:08):
training is in the context ofthe relationship.
You know, you've probably heardthe saying people don't care how
much you know till they knowhow much you care.
Well, that's especially truewith children.
You have to connect with them.
They have to know that you areafter their good.
You know it's not a tug of war,then.
(22:29):
It's not you against me.
And as I learned to respond tomy children, even when they
disobeyed, with love and notwith anger, then they were more
open to my instruction.
Now it doesn't mean they alwaysobeyed, but it meant that even
when they disobeyed, they knewthat they could trust me.
You know, I was a stable personas I learned not to respond to
(22:53):
anger in all these situations.
Instead of avoiding me becausethey feared my punishment, they
were drawn to me even when theydid wrong, because they knew I
loved them.
I had access to their hearts.
As I worked on our relationship, as I put that first, they
started listening to me more.
You know, it was not perfect.
(23:15):
They didn't always obey, but Iknew I had their hearts and it
really helped with themlistening to me because they
knew I was for them and notagainst them.
You know and keep in mind this.
You know this is part of you.
Have a relationship with yourchildren, right?
This is part of discipleship,this is part of training.
(23:37):
You live in the same house,right?
When you mess up, let's say,you just have a day and you blow
it.
Tomorrow you're going to haveanother chance.
You've just got to dust off thediscouragement.
You know, kick the dust offyour shoes right.
Kick off the discouragement andtomorrow you try again and they
love you and you love them.
(23:58):
This is a relationship.
Nobody's going anywhere Now.
We're going to learn together,we're going to grow together and
we're going to become thepeople God created us to be in
relationship.
I've got a whole podcast on this, so I'm not going to go too in
depth, but it's called the Powerof Relationship, the Key to
(24:18):
your Child's Heart, and Iencourage you.
It's one of the first episodesthat I ever recorded, so I
encourage you to go and look forthat one.
I'll put it in the show notes.
But focus on training.
That was number two.
Training works better in thecontext of a strong relationship
.
Make the relationship strongerand the training will go better.
(24:43):
Number three believe your childwants to obey you and please
you.
This is a big one and this, forme, was a hard one to get into
my head, but once I did it, itmade my job so much easier.
Let me explain what I mean bythis.
(25:06):
Sometimes we can believe thatour children are out to thwart
us.
Yes, sometimes we can believethat our children are out to
thwart us.
You know my oldest son, david.
Right now he's 16, almost 17years old, and he has always
been a free spirit.
You know, he loves to try newthings, he loves to experiment
with new things.
He, he's not afraid of anything.
(25:29):
You know, as a little boy Iremember taking him to
Chick-fil-A.
Actually, I didn't my sister, Iwas working at the time and she
took her kids and my kids toChick-fil-A.
And David, she sent me thispicture I was at work and David
was dancing with the Chick-fil-Acow.
Her children were scared todeath of the Chick-fil-A cow,
(25:52):
but not my David.
You know, he never met astranger, he was not afraid of
anything.
He just had this very and stilldoes very outgoing adventurous
spirit.
But when he saw something hewanted, he wanted it, and I
would tell him no and that justmade him want it that much worse
(26:13):
.
And I mean things that wouldharm him, things that he should
not be, he did not need to have.
You know, he just he had in hismind he wanted something and he
locked in on it and after awhile I started to believe that
(26:33):
he was being purposelydisobedient, that he was
rebellious in his heart andbecause we struggled so many
times.
I struggled with him disobeyingme, him not doing what I asked
him to do, and it seemed like itwas a constant tug of war with
me and David.
He wanted something and I saidno.
(26:56):
He wanted to do something and Isaid no.
And I noticed that I started todevelop an attitude towards my
son.
You know, I started to believethat he was being purposely
disobedient and rebellioustowards me, and that belief in
my heart set us up for a powerstruggle, because I was
(27:18):
determined he is going to listenand he is going to obey and he
was determined to have his way.
And it wasn't pretty and itseemed like it went on for a
long time.
But little by little the Lordstarted showing me that the
problem was not with David, thatthe problem was within my own
heart, not his.
You know, I was the adult, hewas the child.
(27:43):
It was my job to train him andto help him grow and not punish
his immaturity, because you knowwhat Punishment does not cause
a child to go from immature tomature.
Training does.
So God encouraged me to startseeing David's heart through his
eyes.
He encouraged me to startbelieving that David wanted to
(28:09):
obey and please his mom, toplease me.
He just needed me to believe inhim first.
So I did, and it was not hardbecause the evidence seemed that
he could care less aboutpleasing me, that he could care
less about obeying me.
But I started believing deep inhis heart.
(28:31):
He wants to please me, he wantsto obey.
He just has this adventurousspirit and the Lord encouraged
me Don't see him as rebellious,don't see him as disobedient,
see him as curious, see him asfull of life, and it will change
these interactions.
It won't be you trying tocontrol him.
(28:56):
It will be you trying tocontrol him.
It will be you trying to leadhim.
But as I started to believe goodthings about him and in him, I
started seeing those good thingsand he started maturing and I
saw his heart turning towards meas I extended grace to him and
it changed our relationship.
(29:17):
And it changed our relationship.
And you know, there were timeswhen David, when he knew he had
done wrong before, he would notcome to me and that would just
escalate the situation.
But as I started tending hisheart, as I started seeing him
through new eyes, even when hemessed up, he would come to me
and he even started coming to meand telling me things that he
(29:39):
had messed up with that I didnot know about Now.
Before that would have neverhappened.
I would have never known abouthim because he was afraid of
punishment.
But as I started being moreopen to him and less critical of
him and trusting that he reallydid want to please me, that he
really did want to obey me, thatcame to life and I believe it
(30:05):
was there all along.
It's just I was focused on thenegative instead of the positive
.
So I hope that is encouragingto you.
I want you to trust me that itworks is encouraging to you.
I want you to trust me that itworks.
When you think good things aboutyour children, then they want
to rise to your expectations.
Now, it wasn't picture perfect.
(30:27):
I don't want to make this, youknow, sound like, oh, I just
believed and everything wasgreat.
We still had rough days.
You know they still threw fits.
To be honest, I still sometimesthrew fits.
You know we still had issues.
But as God changed me, Ilearned how to reach their
(30:47):
hearts and, you know, at firstit seemed like it was hit and
miss, like sometimes we wouldhave a really good day and I'd
be like, oh okay, this reallyworks.
And then the next day, you know, not so good, but I was growing
in wisdom and the importantthing was I, this really works.
And then the next day, you know, not so good, but I was growing
in wisdom and the importantthing was I no longer felt
powerless.
You see, when things didn't gomy way and I could not control
(31:08):
my children, I felt powerlessand my children felt out of
control.
But as I started seeing thatGod wasn't asking me to control
my children, but to lead themand to teach them and to grow
with them, then I no longer feltlike we were all out of control
.
I felt like we're growing.
We're not perfect, but we hadgrace with each other, and harsh
(31:31):
punishments never worked for us.
They just made.
They just made it worse.
So I encourage you to seethings through new eyes.
You know, ask the Lord to showyou your children through his
eyes.
So I went a long time on thatone.
That was number three.
Number four is focus on naturalconsequences rather than
(31:52):
arbitrary punishments.
One of the ways we learn wisdomis by suffering the
consequences of our foolishness.
You know, we the pain that weexperience when we make bad
choices.
They help us to think twice thenext time we're faced with that
same choice.
It helps us to choose the goodinstead of the bad, choose the
(32:15):
right way instead of the wrongway, because because we remember
that pain See, pain is a greatmotivator to grow in maturity,
and so when we can allow ourchildren to suffer the natural
consequences of their badbehavior, that can be a
wonderful teaching tool, and itkeeps us from being the bad guy.
(32:38):
It keeps us from always havingto come up with some unrelated
punishment that may or may nothelp them to remember next time.
See and I know this is notalways possible.
Okay, I just want to throw thatout there.
You know, if your child has ahabit of running into the road,
then you cannot allow thenatural consequence of being hit
(32:59):
by a car.
Teach them not to run into theroad next time, because there
won't be a next time, right?
So I mean, when it'sappropriate, allow them to feel
the natural consequences oftheir own decisions, and then in
the future, that will producewisdom in them.
It's empowering, because theystart making their own decisions
(33:22):
based on what happened lasttime.
Now I'll give you an example.
I have one of my boys and Iwill not mention his name to
protect him, but he has a hardtime losing.
He is extremely competitive,always has been, and he loves
playing board games with hisbrothers, my boys.
(33:45):
They are big board game peopleand when he was little and I
mean little as in, likeCandyland and you know little
games If he was playing a boardgame with someone and he saw
that he was going to end, he wasgoing to lose, you know, he saw
the end and it was inevitablehe would get so angry he would
(34:07):
take that board game and throwit on the floor because if he
wasn't going to win, nobody wasgoing to win.
And, of course, then, you know,there's chaos ensues, right?
Everyone's mad, and he would dothat.
I would get upset, you know, Iwould send him to his room.
(34:27):
I would try to, you know,correct this situation as much
as possible, and you know, andit just it was a lot of drama.
And so you know, though I lovethat, they love board games I
knew if he doesn't win, this isgoing to be ugly.
Well, as I learned aboutnatural consequences and tried
(34:49):
to think of this through, youknow, the eyes of wisdom.
What do you do?
Because I know this is going tohappen again.
I told him at the beginning okay, if you destroy the game, if
you get upset and throw theboard in the floor, then you
(35:10):
won't play this game or anyother board game.
You know, if you can't takecare of the board game, you
don't play the board game, andthat's one of those things that
they don't believe until youactually do it.
So it inevitably would happenand I would say I'm sorry, honey
, the board game's going up andyou won't be playing the board
(35:33):
game.
And I could do it calmlybecause I had a plan and I had
warned him before.
And when it happened, after hecalmed down, I would talk to him
about it again and say Now youunderstand that because you
destroyed the board game,because you threw it on the
ground and stomped it, it's goneaway for a long time, and not
(35:53):
just this board game, but anyboard game.
Well, he loved board games.
So that really stunk and itstung inside.
Well, and not only that, butnobody wants to play with
somebody who does that.
So even after his time was up,there'd be times when people,
(36:13):
when his brother, when he'd wantto play board games with his
brothers and they didn't want toplay with them.
And he would try to get me tomake them play with him.
And I said no, honey, I don'tblame them.
I can't blame them for notwanting to play with you because
they can never win.
It's not fun to play withsomebody when you can't ever win
.
And so it made a difference andlittle by little, he learned to
(36:37):
play without drama, or hecouldn't play at all, and you
know, to this day we can see itboiling underneath.
You know he's still verycompetitive as a teenager.
He still wants to win, but hetries to keep his emotions in
check and he's learning to be agood loser and he's also learned
(36:57):
to be a good winner, andsometimes that can be an even
harder lesson to learn right.
So, by grace, we teach ourchildren how to mature in
character, how to grow, andnatural consequences can be a
big help in that.
And, like I said, they take thepressure off of us.
(37:18):
It's not us.
This was your decision, this iswhat happens, you know, when
you act this way, people don'twant to play with you and so
you're not being the bad guy.
They have made a choice and youknow that empowers them, it
shows them that they have thepower to cause things to go well
or to cause things to not gowell.
(37:38):
And we're showing them thatthey have a will, they have a
choice to make and that they canchoose the good and that
choosing the good has benefits,right?
So I hope that these I hope Ihaven't rambled too much I hope
these have been helpful,encouraging to you.
If this is an area that youstruggle in and I'm going to
(38:01):
talk more about this in thefuture and you know, maybe this
is not hard for you at all,maybe you, you know, maybe
you're excellent in correctionand discipline, but I am.
I have not been, you know.
I have grown and these are fourthings that have helped me grow
, for attitude adjustments.
I guess I should say for me,not for them, but for me.
But before we go, let me praywith you and just send you out
(38:23):
with a blessing Father, we thankyou that we are blessed that,
lord, we're blessed to be yours,we're blessed to be alive, lord
, and we're thankful, and Ithank you, lord, that you
haven't just given us thesechildren and said do your best,
you're walking with us and, god,I pray that you'd help us in
this area of discipline andcorrection.
(38:44):
God, it can be so hairysometimes because I can get so
caught up in my own emotions,but, lord, help us to see it
through your eyes.
God, help us to look at it in anew perspective.
God, help us to see that, lord,it doesn't have to be that way.
That, lord, we can grow as theygrow, and I ask you to give all
(39:05):
of us wisdom.
Lord, let us see the hearts ofour children, lord, through your
eyes.
Lord, let us see them aswanting to obey us and, lord,
let us see them grow.
And that's so encouraging, lord, when we see them growing.
And we thank you.
We thank you for your grace,thank you for covering us, lord,
this week with your love.
(39:26):
In Jesus' name, amen.
Hello friend, welcome back to Grace For my Home.
What a blessing it is to beback with you again this week.
As you know, if you're aregular listener, I'm in the
middle of a five-week replayseries.
I'm going back and replayingour five most popular podcast
episodes, and I'm doing that fora number of reasons.
(00:21):
Number one there's a lot ofpeople who haven't heard these
those of you who are newerlisteners.
These are some of the ones thatI recorded quite some time ago
two to three years ago and Ithink they're some of the best,
and so I want to give you anopportunity to hear them.
Also, I am taking some timebefore summer starts to work on
(00:42):
some projects.
I released my first bookOctober of last year and I'm
working on my second.
This book is going to be adevotional and I'm really
looking forward to it, but Ineed some time to concentrate on
it, to just work on that book,because I want to get it out
into the world, and I'm workingon some other things that I
(01:03):
think you'll like.
The episode that I'm re on someother things that I think you'll
like the episode that I'mre-releasing today is called
Discipline, correction andPunishment.
Oh my, and in this podcast Italk about how to discipline and
correct our children, and I'mgoing to tell you this is
probably, to me, one of thehardest parts of being a parent.
As a new mom, I reallystruggled in this area.
(01:26):
Honestly, disciplining andcorrecting my boys was so
difficult for me that there weretimes that I just wanted to
avoid it at all costs, eventhough I know they needed it.
It just stirred up so many bademotions and memories in me and
it always left me feelingdefeated and incapable of being
(01:47):
a good mom.
And I'm not exaggerating Ihated when I had to deal with
discipline issues with my boys.
You know, I just wishedeverything could have always
been happy, but it's not.
And when you're training youngmen and women and that's what
they are they're kids today, buteventually they're going to be
men and women.
When you's what they are,they're kids today, but
eventually they're going to bemen and women when you're
(02:07):
training them and you want toteach them right, it takes
correction, it takes discipline,and so I needed a lot of help
and I couldn't just changeovernight.
You know.
I just wanted to, to just bedifferent, and I couldn't, and I
had to come to grips with a lotof issues in my own heart, and
(02:28):
so in this podcast I'm going tospeak on those things, on that
topic, and I really do hope thatit's an encouragement to you.
I don't know everything, I don'tpretend to know everything, but
I have been through some thingsand hopefully something that
I've been through or somethingthat the Lord has helped me with
will help me to encourage youin that area.
(02:48):
So I hope you enjoy this.
Please reach out.
I would love to hear from you.
I'm still around, even thoughI'm doing this replay series.
I would love to hear from you.
I'm still blogging.
I'm still sending out weeklyemails.
So look in the show notes fordifferent ways to communicate
with me and let me know you'relistening.
(03:08):
That would just bless me somuch.
Hope you have a wonderful weekand I hope you enjoy this
episode.
Hi friends, welcome back toGrace From my Home.
Hope you're doing well thisweek.
I wanted to talk with you aboutsomething that I guess I've been
avoiding it a little bit.
Maybe a little bit, but Iwanted to talk with you about
(03:31):
discipline and correction andpunishment.
And I say avoiding it becausethat's probably not my favorite
subject, not my favorite topic,not because I don't think it's
important, but because I thinkit can be difficult, or I should
say it was.
It has been difficult for meand I don't even like telling
(03:55):
you that, because I tell youthat and you may ask, you know,
you may think well, why am Ilistening to her?
Why on earth would I listen toher?
And I just want to say, becauseif it's difficult for you, then
maybe you just need to hearthat you're not alone, that
that's just a difficult subject.
And as a young mom, I just feltlike I was not very good at
(04:20):
correction at the discipline,didn't always know how to deal
with those situations when mychildren would disobey me, when
they would not listen to me orrespond to me the way that I
thought they should, and therewas something inside of me that
felt like there was somethingwrong with me or that somehow I
missed the class.
I really did.
I felt like, you know, so manypeople seem to know what they
(04:43):
were doing and when it came tothose subjects to me, I just
felt like I missed that classsomewhere.
And you know, and what wasreally frustrating was when my
husband could do and say thesame things but they responded
differently to me and that wasreally frustrating.
And so so, if you're, I saythat.
(05:06):
I just put that out there.
So you, so that if you canrelate, if you also struggle in
those areas, I want you to knowyou're not alone and that if God
can help me, he can helpanybody.
You know, and I don't come toyou.
I try not to come to you eachweek as someone who has it all
together.
I'm not to come to you eachweek as someone who has it all
together.
I'm not, I'm someone who is inthe process.
(05:29):
But I've learned some thingsalong the way and I hope that
something that I say today willbe helpful to you.
But I'll just start off bysaying that you know I did not
grow up in a Christian home.
Saying that, you know I did notgrow up in a Christian home, so
sometimes I felt like that wasa disadvantage because I didn't
(05:49):
always know how to handlecertain situations.
But I have met many peoplealong the way who did grow up in
Christian homes.
They still struggled in thisarea.
I think these are just hardsubjects and we always I think
it's our human nature that wewant to do better.
You know that we.
You know, we've seen how thingshave been done in the past
(06:11):
maybe in our homes or, you know,in other generations and we
think I want to do better.
And I think that's a godlything.
You know, I think it's right towant to do better, I think it's
right to want to give ourchildren better.
And so I really, you know, whenI found out that I was going to
(06:32):
have a child, I just, you know,you imagine I'm going to be the
best mom.
I'm just going to put all myeffort into this, I'm just going
to try really hard.
And you know I'm just going tobe the best mom.
And you feel that way becauseyou love these children so much
and you want to do everythingright by them.
But you don't turn into a newperson just because you had a
(06:52):
child or became a mom.
I mean, a lot of things aboutyou change.
You know, the things you careabout change right, but you as a
person, your character, yourstrengths, your weaknesses,
you're still the same person.
And so when we become moms andwe have all these aspirations, a
(07:13):
lot of times it takes us awhile to catch up with our
aspirations.
You know, we're still that sameperson.
We still have the same flaws,we still have the same mindsets
person.
We still have the same flaws,we still have the same mindsets.
And so when we become a mom, inorder to be the mom that in our
mind we see we want to be,sometimes it's not our children,
it's us that have to havemindset shifts, it's us.
(07:38):
And so when I became a mom and Ihad these wonderful ideas of
how this wonderful mom I wantedto be and I realized I was far
from that I had to change.
You know, I had to come togrips with some things about me
that if I was going to be themom that I saw in my mind's eye,
(07:59):
that I wanted to be, that Icould be, that I wanted my
children to have, then I wasgoing to have to let the Lord
deal with me, with my heart, andchange me and make me that
person.
But one of the things, you know, that was very hard for me as a
young mom was discipline andcorrection.
I guess those are two things,aren't they?
(08:19):
But they go hand in hand.
So discipline and correctionand that was not easy for me
because I really struggled inthat area.
You know, honest confession, Iwanted to avoid those things at
all cost, because I didn't likemyself.
When I tried to discipline andcorrect my children, it usually
(08:44):
ended up something like this youknow, my boys would do
something that I didn't like orthat I knew they shouldn't be
doing, or that I had told themnot to do, and I would try to be
gentle and kind and tell themno, let's not do that, that's
not what we're supposed to do.
And of course they would do itanyway.
And then, you know, I wouldraise my voice a little bit just
(09:06):
to assert my authority and sayno, no, no, honey, we're not
going to do that.
Remember, mama asked you not todo that.
And of course they would stilldo that, right.
And so then I would take it upa notch.
Well, and every time I take itup a notch, they're matching me,
right.
I mean, there it's, now it up anotch.
They're matching me, right.
I mean, now it's a battle ofthe wheels and it's becoming
(09:33):
frustrating, and they're stillnot listening to me.
And so the gentleness and thekindness, they fly out the
window and I'm going over intothe frustrated, angry side.
And when it's all said and done,I was trying to deal with their
bad behavior.
And, when it's all said anddone, I was trying to deal with
their bad behavior.
But I have to come to gripswith my own bad behavior, which
I can't justify by saying theymade me angry, right, because
(09:54):
I'm an adult.
They're the children, I'm theadult.
And so there was this viciouscycle for me of frustration and
anger, and then the guilt, andthen the confusion, like, well,
how was I supposed to handlethis anyway?
And I wanted to do thingsdifferently, but I had no idea
(10:15):
how, and I just needed a lot ofhelp.
You know, I couldn't figure itout.
I couldn't just change.
You know, I just wanted to justflip the switch and just be a
better mom, be a different mom,be a different person.
You know, I don't wish youcould just decide today I'm
going to be a different personand be a different person.
It doesn't work that way.
You know, we are who we are andwe can grow and we can change.
(10:38):
But we are like.
We're like trees, you know,trees grow slow.
They take in what they needright from the environment
around them.
They take in the nutrients fromthe soil, they take the
sunlight from above, they takethe water from the rain and they
grow, but you don't look outand see them grow in one day.
(11:01):
And that's how we are.
We are growing, hopefully.
We're getting the right thingsto grow, we're getting the right
knowledge to grow, we'regetting.
The Son of God above God'sgrace is shining on us.
We're becoming, but it is aprocess, and so the first step
of the process is to want tochange.
(11:23):
Right, you can't change somebodywho doesn't want to change or
who doesn't see their need tochange.
And I saw very clear my needfor change and as God's grace
helped me and he had to help meeven to believe I could change,
because after you go in thatcycle for a while, you start
thinking, well, I'm just a badperson, I'm a bad mom, I'm never
(11:47):
going to change.
I've tried and tried and tried.
But I think sometimes we haveto get to that point to realize
that I need help, that I can'tdo this on my own, and then we
invite God in to help us.
So you know, as I went throughthis, I realized I really need
to see correction and disciplinethrough God's eyes.
(12:11):
I need a biblical perspectiveon this, because I obviously
don't have a biblicalperspective.
I don't see this God's way.
And I want to read, just to showyou this in the Word, because I
think this scripture herecaptures the heart of the Lord
when it comes to discipline.
(12:31):
But it's from Hebrews 12,verses 9 through 11.
It says us and we respectedthem for it how much more should
we submit to the Father ofSpirits and live?
They disciplined us for alittle while as they thought
best, but God disciplines us forour good, in order that we may
(12:56):
share in his holiness.
No discipline seems pleasant atthe time, but painful Later on.
However, it produces a harvestof righteousness and peace for
those who have been trained byit, and that's what we want for
us and that's what we want forour children.
We want them to be disciplined,we want them to be trained.
(13:16):
You know, we want them to havethat harvest of righteousness
and peace, and we, as moms,we're part of that training team
for our children.
I want to just hit a few thingstoday that I think will be
helpful for you.
First of all, discipline meansto train someone to behave in a
(13:39):
desired way.
Discipline comes from the sameword that disciple comes from.
A disciple is someone whosubmits to or follows a more
knowledgeable or a wiser personso they can be trained by that
person in order to become morelike them.
We think of Jesus and the 12disciples.
They walked with Jesus.
(14:02):
Jesus taught them, he was closewith them.
They were becoming more liketheir master.
Jesus said when a disciple isfully trained, he's like his
master.
And so that's the worddiscipline, and discipleship and
discipline.
(14:22):
They're a lifetime process.
It's not something that we dooccasionally or we do when we
can fit it in our schedule.
Discipleship is a lifestyle.
It is a way of life.
It's always going on.
It doesn't always includecorrection, it doesn't always
include punishment.
It is a lifestyle.
(14:42):
It's living our life before ourchildren so that they can
become like us, which means wegot to be the people that we
want them to be like.
Right.
That's what discipleship islike, and discipline comes from
that becoming a discipled person.
Discipline also carries thatidea of a self-controlled person
(15:05):
.
You know we say a disciplinedperson is one who has
self-control.
Correction means to put right orto adjust something that's out
of alignment so that canfunction properly and according
to a standard.
See, correction happens at aspecific time.
It's an event.
You know where discipleship isthe whole process.
(15:30):
Correction is a specific eventor an occurrence, and it's
necessary.
It's a necessary part ofdiscipleship.
Now we will be corrected, so wecan be like our teacher.
It's a tool that the teacheruses to bring the student into
alignment.
Think about a violin teacher.
(15:51):
This violin teacher is teachingthe student to use the correct
form.
We'll say the student doesn'tuse the correct form.
So the teacher steps in andsays no, no, no, do it this way.
And he corrects his form.
He says put it here.
You know, hold it here.
And he does this so that so thestudent can play the violin
better and also so the musicwill be beautiful.
(16:15):
It's a matter of instruction andcorrection and it's putting
things right.
You know it doesn't necessarilyrequire punishment, right Right
, it's just correction when wesee something out of a line.
No, not this way, do it thisway.
Punishment is a negativeconsequence for wrongdoing.
(16:36):
It's intended to limit or stopthe wrong behavior.
And you know I've just readthese off to you.
I've just, you know from mynotes I've talked to you about
discipline and discipleship andcorrection and punishment.
But I'll be honest with you,when I first became a mom and I
was trying to do these things,they weren't that clear to me.
(16:59):
It's easy to write them onpaper and one, two, three.
But when I got in the middle ofit I didn't know what I was
trying to do.
They all seemed to muddletogether.
What are you to do?
What's a mom to do when she'snever had that kind of
instruction or training but shewants to give it to her children
?
For me, I had to turn to Jesusfor wisdom because I felt like
(17:23):
he had given me this assignmentRaise these little ones for me.
And as I prayed, as I turned toJesus for wisdom, he was
faithful.
He was faithful to give me thewisdom that I needed.
He shed more and more light onmy path.
He taught me as I taught mychildren.
(17:46):
You know I was learning, theywere learning.
In the end, we all learnedtogether.
But for now, I want to sharewith you four suggestions that
helped me to disciple mychildren for Jesus, even when I
felt like a complete failure.
The first one is get clear onyour goals.
(18:07):
What are you training yourchildren to do or to be?
That is so important because ifwe don't know, how are they
going to know If we don't givethem specific and clear
instructions and what we expectand what we want and what the
(18:27):
desired behavior is.
If we don't make it obvious,then punishment or correction,
it's just going to frustratethem and it's going to frustrate
us.
You know, we may think it'sobvious, we may think, well,
they should know better.
Well, they may not know better.
You know we may think, oh well,they know, they're not supposed
(18:49):
to run through the libraryscreaming.
But we have to tell them overand over and over every time you
go to the library.
Right, we have to give themexplicit instructions, and I
encourage you to make a list ofthe most important lessons that
(19:09):
you want to teach your childrenbefore they leave your home.
What kind of character traitsyou want to instill in them?
What kind of values do you wantto pass on to them?
Write down your goals, and youdon't have to, they don't have
to be the ones you keep forever.
You can adjust it, you canchange it, you know, but get
something written down so youknow what the goal is.
(19:32):
Then you have something toteach, you have something to aim
for, you have something tocorrect when they go off of that
established goal.
But otherwise the goal is fuzzy, the path isn't clear, and so
it's like you're punishing,you're correcting, but they
weren't really sure what thegoal was in this first place.
So make sure that it's clear.
(19:53):
Even if you think it's clear,make sure it's clear to them.
You know, for example I'll giveyou an example of this One of
the most important lessons thatI wanted to teach my children
was to obey me and to obey theirfather, to obey the authority
in their life, because if theycan't obey us, they will not be
(20:14):
able to obey God.
You know, obedience is it's ahard issue.
And as we train them to obey usit's not that we just want to
be the ogres that.
You know, they have to doeverything we say it's a hard
issue.
We're teaching them how to obeyGod.
If they can't obey us, teachingthem how to obey God.
If they can't obey us, theycan't obey God.
And so, as we're teaching themto obey us, as we're training
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them to obey us, then they'relearning how to obey God.
And you know, another thing wasI wanted them to have to be able
to and this goes along with thefirst one I wanted them to be
able to accept correction fromus with a humble heart.
You know, when I corrected them, I wanted them to be able to
(21:00):
listen, to take it, you know, tonot get frustrated or mad or,
you know, or have a bad attitude.
Now, that's hard for adults,that's hard for me I mean nobody
likes to be corrected so youknow, it's hard for a
four-year-old.
So that in itself will help ushave grace with them, because
(21:22):
these are hard concepts foranybody.
But knowing that that's whatI'm training, knowing that
that's the goal, helped me tohelp them, helped me to train
them.
So have a goal in mind,verbalize it, get it on paper,
make it plain to understand, andthat'll make it so much more
(21:43):
helpful for you and for them.
It's like you'll be speakingthe same language.
So that was number one.
You'll be speaking the samelanguage.
So that was number one.
Number two training worksbetter in the context of a
strong relationship.
Now I discovered that alltraining works better when I
focus on the relationship overthe training, or when the
(22:08):
training is in the context ofthe relationship.
You know, you've probably heardthe saying people don't care how
much you know till they knowhow much you care.
Well, that's especially truewith children.
You have to connect with them.
They have to know that you areafter their good.
You know it's not a tug of war,then.
(22:29):
It's not you against me.
And as I learned to respond tomy children, even when they
disobeyed, with love and notwith anger, then they were more
open to my instruction.
Now it doesn't mean they alwaysobeyed, but it meant that even
when they disobeyed, they knewthat they could trust me.
You know, I was a stable personas I learned not to respond to
(22:53):
anger in all these situations.
Instead of avoiding me becausethey feared my punishment, they
were drawn to me even when theydid wrong, because they knew I
loved them.
I had access to their hearts.
As I worked on our relationship, as I put that first, they
started listening to me more.
You know, it was not perfect.
(23:15):
They didn't always obey, but Iknew I had their hearts and it
really helped with themlistening to me because they
knew I was for them and notagainst them.
You know and keep in mind this.
You know this is part of you.
Have a relationship with yourchildren, right?
This is part of discipleship,this is part of training.
(23:37):
You live in the same house,right?
When you mess up, let's say,you just have a day and you blow
it.
Tomorrow you're going to haveanother chance.
You've just got to dust off thediscouragement.
You know, kick the dust offyour shoes right.
Kick off the discouragement andtomorrow you try again and they
love you and you love them.
(23:58):
This is a relationship.
Nobody's going anywhere Now.
We're going to learn together,we're going to grow together and
we're going to become thepeople God created us to be in
relationship.
I've got a whole podcast on this, so I'm not going to go too in
depth, but it's called the Powerof Relationship, the Key to
(24:18):
your Child's Heart, and Iencourage you.
It's one of the first episodesthat I ever recorded, so I
encourage you to go and look forthat one.
I'll put it in the show notes.
But focus on training.
That was number two.
Training works better in thecontext of a strong relationship
.
Make the relationship strongerand the training will go better.
(24:43):
Number three believe your childwants to obey you and please
you.
This is a big one and this, forme, was a hard one to get into
my head, but once I did it, itmade my job so much easier.
Let me explain what I mean bythis.
(25:06):
Sometimes we can believe thatour children are out to thwart
us.
Yes, sometimes we can believethat our children are out to
thwart us.
You know my oldest son, david.
Right now he's 16, almost 17years old, and he has always
been a free spirit.
You know, he loves to try newthings, he loves to experiment
with new things.
He, he's not afraid of anything.
(25:29):
You know, as a little boy Iremember taking him to
Chick-fil-A.
Actually, I didn't my sister, Iwas working at the time and she
took her kids and my kids toChick-fil-A.
And David, she sent me thispicture I was at work and David
was dancing with the Chick-fil-Acow.
Her children were scared todeath of the Chick-fil-A cow,
(25:52):
but not my David.
You know, he never met astranger, he was not afraid of
anything.
He just had this very and stilldoes very outgoing adventurous
spirit.
But when he saw something hewanted, he wanted it, and I
would tell him no and that justmade him want it that much worse
(26:13):
.
And I mean things that wouldharm him, things that he should
not be, he did not need to have.
You know, he just he had in hismind he wanted something and he
locked in on it and after awhile I started to believe that
(26:33):
he was being purposelydisobedient, that he was
rebellious in his heart andbecause we struggled so many
times.
I struggled with him disobeyingme, him not doing what I asked
him to do, and it seemed like itwas a constant tug of war with
me and David.
He wanted something and I saidno.
(26:56):
He wanted to do something and Isaid no.
And I noticed that I started todevelop an attitude towards my
son.
You know, I started to believethat he was being purposely
disobedient and rebellioustowards me, and that belief in
my heart set us up for a powerstruggle, because I was
(27:18):
determined he is going to listenand he is going to obey and he
was determined to have his way.
And it wasn't pretty and itseemed like it went on for a
long time.
But little by little the Lordstarted showing me that the
problem was not with David, thatthe problem was within my own
heart, not his.
You know, I was the adult, hewas the child.
(27:43):
It was my job to train him andto help him grow and not punish
his immaturity, because you knowwhat Punishment does not cause
a child to go from immature tomature.
Training does.
So God encouraged me to startseeing David's heart through his
eyes.
He encouraged me to startbelieving that David wanted to
(28:09):
obey and please his mom, toplease me.
He just needed me to believe inhim first.
So I did, and it was not hardbecause the evidence seemed that
he could care less aboutpleasing me, that he could care
less about obeying me.
But I started believing deep inhis heart.
(28:31):
He wants to please me, he wantsto obey.
He just has this adventurousspirit and the Lord encouraged
me Don't see him as rebellious,don't see him as disobedient,
see him as curious, see him asfull of life, and it will change
these interactions.
It won't be you trying tocontrol him.
(28:56):
It will be you trying tocontrol him.
It will be you trying to leadhim.
But as I started to believe goodthings about him and in him, I
started seeing those good thingsand he started maturing and I
saw his heart turning towards meas I extended grace to him and
it changed our relationship.
(29:17):
And it changed our relationship.
And you know, there were timeswhen David, when he knew he had
done wrong before, he would notcome to me and that would just
escalate the situation.
But as I started tending hisheart, as I started seeing him
through new eyes, even when hemessed up, he would come to me
and he even started coming to meand telling me things that he
(29:39):
had messed up with that I didnot know about Now.
Before that would have neverhappened.
I would have never known abouthim because he was afraid of
punishment.
But as I started being moreopen to him and less critical of
him and trusting that he reallydid want to please me, that he
really did want to obey me, thatcame to life and I believe it
(30:05):
was there all along.
It's just I was focused on thenegative instead of the positive
.
So I hope that is encouragingto you.
I want you to trust me that itworks is encouraging to you.
I want you to trust me that itworks.
When you think good things aboutyour children, then they want
to rise to your expectations.
Now, it wasn't picture perfect.
(30:27):
I don't want to make this, youknow, sound like, oh, I just
believed and everything wasgreat.
We still had rough days.
You know they still threw fits.
To be honest, I still sometimesthrew fits.
You know we still had issues.
But as God changed me, Ilearned how to reach their
(30:47):
hearts and, you know, at firstit seemed like it was hit and
miss, like sometimes we wouldhave a really good day and I'd
be like, oh okay, this reallyworks.
And then the next day, you know, not so good, but I was growing
in wisdom and the importantthing was I, this really works.
And then the next day, you know, not so good, but I was growing
in wisdom and the importantthing was I no longer felt
powerless.
You see, when things didn't gomy way and I could not control
(31:08):
my children, I felt powerlessand my children felt out of
control.
But as I started seeing thatGod wasn't asking me to control
my children, but to lead themand to teach them and to grow
with them, then I no longer feltlike we were all out of control
.
I felt like we're growing.
We're not perfect, but we hadgrace with each other, and harsh
(31:31):
punishments never worked for us.
They just made.
They just made it worse.
So I encourage you to seethings through new eyes.
You know, ask the Lord to showyou your children through his
eyes.
So I went a long time on thatone.
That was number three.
Number four is focus on naturalconsequences rather than
(31:52):
arbitrary punishments.
One of the ways we learn wisdomis by suffering the
consequences of our foolishness.
You know, we the pain that weexperience when we make bad
choices.
They help us to think twice thenext time we're faced with that
same choice.
It helps us to choose the goodinstead of the bad, choose the
(32:15):
right way instead of the wrongway, because because we remember
that pain See, pain is a greatmotivator to grow in maturity,
and so when we can allow ourchildren to suffer the natural
consequences of their badbehavior, that can be a
wonderful teaching tool, and itkeeps us from being the bad guy.
(32:38):
It keeps us from always havingto come up with some unrelated
punishment that may or may nothelp them to remember next time.
See and I know this is notalways possible.
Okay, I just want to throw thatout there.
You know, if your child has ahabit of running into the road,
then you cannot allow thenatural consequence of being hit
(32:59):
by a car.
Teach them not to run into theroad next time, because there
won't be a next time, right?
So I mean, when it'sappropriate, allow them to feel
the natural consequences oftheir own decisions, and then in
the future, that will producewisdom in them.
It's empowering, because theystart making their own decisions
(33:22):
based on what happened lasttime.
Now I'll give you an example.
I have one of my boys and Iwill not mention his name to
protect him, but he has a hardtime losing.
He is extremely competitive,always has been, and he loves
playing board games with hisbrothers, my boys.
(33:45):
They are big board game peopleand when he was little and I
mean little as in, likeCandyland and you know little
games If he was playing a boardgame with someone and he saw
that he was going to end, he wasgoing to lose, you know, he saw
the end and it was inevitablehe would get so angry he would
(34:07):
take that board game and throwit on the floor because if he
wasn't going to win, nobody wasgoing to win.
And, of course, then, you know,there's chaos ensues, right?
Everyone's mad, and he would dothat.
I would get upset, you know, Iwould send him to his room.
(34:27):
I would try to, you know,correct this situation as much
as possible, and you know, andit just it was a lot of drama.
And so you know, though I lovethat, they love board games I
knew if he doesn't win, this isgoing to be ugly.
Well, as I learned aboutnatural consequences and tried
(34:49):
to think of this through, youknow, the eyes of wisdom.
What do you do?
Because I know this is going tohappen again.
I told him at the beginning okay, if you destroy the game, if
you get upset and throw theboard in the floor, then you
(35:10):
won't play this game or anyother board game.
You know, if you can't takecare of the board game, you
don't play the board game, andthat's one of those things that
they don't believe until youactually do it.
So it inevitably would happenand I would say I'm sorry, honey
, the board game's going up andyou won't be playing the board
(35:33):
game.
And I could do it calmlybecause I had a plan and I had
warned him before.
And when it happened, after hecalmed down, I would talk to him
about it again and say Now youunderstand that because you
destroyed the board game,because you threw it on the
ground and stomped it, it's goneaway for a long time, and not
(35:53):
just this board game, but anyboard game.
Well, he loved board games.
So that really stunk and itstung inside.
Well, and not only that, butnobody wants to play with
somebody who does that.
So even after his time was up,there'd be times when people,
(36:13):
when his brother, when he'd wantto play board games with his
brothers and they didn't want toplay with them.
And he would try to get me tomake them play with him.
And I said no, honey, I don'tblame them.
I can't blame them for notwanting to play with you because
they can never win.
It's not fun to play withsomebody when you can't ever win
.
And so it made a difference andlittle by little, he learned to
(36:37):
play without drama, or hecouldn't play at all, and you
know, to this day we can see itboiling underneath.
You know he's still verycompetitive as a teenager.
He still wants to win, but hetries to keep his emotions in
check and he's learning to be agood loser and he's also learned
(36:57):
to be a good winner, andsometimes that can be an even
harder lesson to learn right.
So, by grace, we teach ourchildren how to mature in
character, how to grow, andnatural consequences can be a
big help in that.
And, like I said, they take thepressure off of us.
(37:18):
It's not us.
This was your decision, this iswhat happens, you know, when
you act this way, people don'twant to play with you and so
you're not being the bad guy.
They have made a choice and youknow that empowers them, it
shows them that they have thepower to cause things to go well
or to cause things to not gowell.
(37:38):
And we're showing them thatthey have a will, they have a
choice to make and that they canchoose the good and that
choosing the good has benefits,right?
So I hope that these I hope Ihaven't rambled too much I hope
these have been helpful,encouraging to you.
If this is an area that youstruggle in and I'm going to
(38:01):
talk more about this in thefuture and you know, maybe this
is not hard for you at all,maybe you, you know, maybe
you're excellent in correctionand discipline, but I am.
I have not been, you know.
I have grown and these are fourthings that have helped me grow
, for attitude adjustments.
I guess I should say for me,not for them, but for me.
But before we go, let me praywith you and just send you out
(38:23):
with a blessing Father, we thankyou that we are blessed that,
lord, we're blessed to be yours,we're blessed to be alive, lord
, and we're thankful, and Ithank you, lord, that you
haven't just given us thesechildren and said do your best,
you're walking with us and, god,I pray that you'd help us in
this area of discipline andcorrection.
(38:44):
God, it can be so hairysometimes because I can get so
caught up in my own emotions,but, lord, help us to see it
through your eyes.
God, help us to look at it in anew perspective.
God, help us to see that, lord,it doesn't have to be that way.
That, lord, we can grow as theygrow, and I ask you to give all
(39:05):
of us wisdom.
Lord, let us see the hearts ofour children, lord, through your
eyes.
Lord, let us see them aswanting to obey us and, lord,
let us see them grow.
And that's so encouraging, lord, when we see them growing.
And we thank you.
We thank you for your grace,thank you for covering us, lord,
this week with your love.
(39:26):
In Jesus' name, amen.
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