August 22, 2024 • 27 mins
Ever feel lonely in your leadership role? You’re not alone. In this episode of the Graced to Lead Podcast, I open up about my struggles with leadership loneliness and how it can affect your mind, decisions, and even your success. We’ll talk about real, practical ways to build a supportive network that will help you find strength, new perspectives, and a sense of community with other Christian women leaders.
Trust can be hard, but it’s critical to forming real connections. You’ll learn how to be intentional about building relationships and joining peer groups that offer a safe space to grow and support one another.
It’s time to break free from isolation. This episode will help you see the potential for meaningful connections and how mentorship and peer support can change everything. Plus, join me in a seven-day challenge to reconnect or start new relationships. Remember, you don’t have to lead alone—you are Graced to Lead, and you have the strength and support to lead others well.
Please subscribe to our mailing list to stay connected and get updates! Thanks for listening to the Graced to Lead Podcast.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Belinda Gaston (00:08):
Welcome to the Graced to Lead podcast.
I'm Belinda Gaston, your hostand listen.
If you are a Christian womanwho leads at work, in your own
business or even in ministry,you are in the right place here.
You'll find practical adviceand encouragement as you lead
through real conversations thatwill challenge and inspire you.
So join me on this journey tobecoming better leaders, god's
(00:31):
way.
Are you ready?
Let the journey begin.
Welcome to the Graced to Leadpodcast.
I'm Belinda Gaston, your hostand listen.
Can I ask you a question?
Are you leading in loneliness?
Are you leading while isolated,feeling isolated?
(00:52):
Are you leading and feelinglike no one understands?
No one has your back?
You're leading from this spacewhere you're leading by yourself
?
If you are, you're not alone.
I recently read an article thatsaid that over 65% of women who
(01:15):
lead feel lonely.
They can feel lonely becauseyou know, as a leader, you have
responsibilities.
The sheer responsibilitiesplaced on your shoulders can
cause you to feel isolated.
It's the fact that you aremaking decisions and that you
(01:36):
are creating strategy, that youare leading organizations and
people, and it's a heavy burdento carry, and many times you
can't share that burden withothers, whether it's through
because of confidentiality.
Maybe people can't handle whatit is that you have to say at
least you perceive that way.
All of those things can beisolating, and this sense of
(02:01):
loneliness can impact yourmental health as a leader.
It can impact the way you makedecisions, and it can have even
consequences for your businesses, for the companies in which you
lead, for the ministries andthe organizations in which you
lead.
Loneliness is real for leaders.
(02:21):
Listen, I'm not saying that, asa leader, you don't have
friendships.
That's not what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is there is asubset, there is a group of
people and some of you may belistening who are leading and
carrying the responsibility ofleadership, and in a place where
, though, you have people aroundyou, you still feel alone.
(02:42):
So I want to talk about that,because God's intent for you as
a leader is not for you to leadin isolation.
It's not for you to lead from alonely place, but rather for
you to have a strong supportsystem.
We were not meant to be aloneand we were not meant to lead
(03:05):
alone, and we don't really talkabout this a lot, because there
is a level of stigma attached ifyou tell someone you feel
lonely, right?
Leaders are supposed to beimmune to that.
As a leader, you're notsupposed to be feeling lonely.
You're supposed to feelempowered and confident and bold
(03:30):
and you're supposed to walk inyour authentic self.
Right, all of the things thatwe say, even on this podcast.
But the reality is thatleadership can be a lonely job.
It just can.
Leadership can be a lonely job.
You can't necessarily sharewith those who you lead all the
(03:56):
time.
Right, it's hard to formgenuine connections.
Sometimes Leadership can belonely, but you are not meant to
lead from a place of loneliness.
So I just want to talk aboutsome ways that we can find
ourselves connected as leadersto help us get through those
(04:18):
places, so that we are notisolated and we are not lonely.
And so the first thing I wantto talk about is creating your
own kind of peer support network, your support group.
And again, I'm not talkingabout your friendship.
You may have a friend that'sbeen your friend since you know
childhood or since your collegedays, or you know what have you
(04:40):
and that's great, or what haveyou and that's great I'm talking
about, and these people may bea part of your support system,
but what I'm talking about isrelationships with other leaders
Listen to me other leaders whocan provide support for you
right.
It's important that you havethat, and recognizing that
(05:04):
that's necessary for you reallyis the first step.
And here's why, when you havethe support of a few other
leaders and you have thatsupport network, what begins to
happen is that you can sharethings with each other in ways
that you can't share with otherpeople.
Share with other people.
(05:27):
I have some really good closefriends.
Not all of them are inleadership positions or have the
leadership responsibilitiesthat I have in my life, so
sometimes they may not be ableto relate to that part of my
life.
They can relate to my emotions.
They can relate to things I maytalk about with my children or
my husband, but they may not beable to understand.
Talk about with my children ormy husband, but they may not be
(05:48):
able to understand my positionas a leader because they are not
in that place.
But I do have a support ofpeers who are also leading in
their various spaces, whetherthey're leading in organizations
or ministries or businesses,corporate spaces.
They are leading and that groupof people I can share my
leadership journey andexperiences with and my
challenges with, and we can joinin with one another, support
(06:12):
one another and grow.
So when you have that supportnetwork, it serves as a two-way
street for you, right, you getsupport and you give support and
you also.
When you have that supportnetwork, it can help impact how
you make decisions, how youchange perspectives right, how
(06:32):
you change your perspective inhandling a situation.
They can give you insights intosomething, they can be a
sounding board for you.
So it's really important thatyou have this support group.
But there are a couple of thingsI want to talk about.
There is first is you have tobe intentional about seeking out
and nurturing relationships asleaders, and it's hard to do
(06:55):
because you're busy, right,you're busy doing all the things
.
You've got a whole laundry listof things to do.
You have to do list, you havethings to approve, you have
things to review, you havethings to strategize about, you
have situations that you have tohandle, but there is time that
needs to be set aside tonurturing and forming
(07:16):
relationships with other leadersto develop this support network
.
Support network and can I pausehere and say that, even if you
have the time, even if you makethe time to do this, when I say
being intentional, what I meanis that you are putting your
heart and your mind into thistogether.
(07:36):
Right, because, see, what canhappen is you can set time to be
intentional and call someone orget to know someone, but not
really be open to receiving themin this type of relationship.
Listen, I am the queen of this.
I used to be.
I am much better than I used tobe, but I was known to be
friendly and jovial with people.
(08:00):
Right, you would encounter meand you can feel as if we've
made a connection.
But when I leave your presence,if someone were to ask you
about some of my deeper thoughts, maybe what I'm feeling, some
things that you can't tell justfrom looking at me, you wouldn't
know because I wasn't open tosharing about me, I would share
(08:23):
things like I'm married, I havechildren, I have a turtle named
Sheltron, right, those kinds ofthings.
But when it comes to deeperplaces of here are the things
I'm challenged with.
Here are the things I worryabout.
Here's what's on my mind rightnow.
I may not share that with youbecause I wasn't open to sharing
those things with you, and thereason I wasn't open was because
(08:46):
I had my own trust issues.
Listen, if you have been, ifyour trust has been mishandled
in the past.
If someone has done somethingor there's been a situation
where you have felt as if yourtrust was broken, it is easy to
build a wall up around you,particularly as leaders, because
(09:06):
you're responsible for doingthe things, for making the hard
decisions right.
It's easy to put a wall up andnot let people in, and you can
put that wall up and operate inthat space without appearing
rude Hear me without appearingrude.
You are friendly, you appear tobe open, but the reality is
(09:26):
there is a certain line, acertain place that people won't
ever be able to enter into.
And so if you are like thatthat's how I was If you are like
that, then what begins tohappen is you have superficial
relationships.
You have what you think is anetwork, but it's superficial,
and when the rubber hits theroad, so to speak, when you
(09:47):
really need to call on somepeople to give you a different
perspective, to help you to makea decision, when there is
something really important thatrequires a deeper level of
relationship, you won't have itbecause you weren't open to
receiving it.
And so when I say beingintentional about those building
(10:10):
and nurturing thoserelationships, I mean being all
in about this.
I'm not saying that you have tohave five million relationships
, but to develop at least one ortwo of them requires you to be
intentional and listen.
If you were in that place whereI was, where your own trust
(10:31):
issues were keeping you fromdeveloping relationships, I pray
right now that you deal withthose places of mistrust.
Like I had to put in work forthat I had to go to therapy, for
that I had to admit to myselfthat you know what this is an
issue for me, because thisperson didn't show up in the way
that I wanted them to when Iwas a child, because I opened
myself up to this professionalrelationship and this person
(10:54):
took my idea and made it theirown.
Whatever, it is right, you haveto deal with that place, you
have to be open, you have to bewilling to receive.
So I would say to you, if you'rein this place where you feel
like you're leading from a placeof loneliness, that first you
must kind of, you must acceptthe fact that you need people.
(11:14):
You need people, girl, you needpeople, ma'am, you need people.
You can't do it all alone.
Yes, again, the leadershipjourney can be a lonely one.
I mean you have to do somethings alone, you have to make
some decisions alone, but youdon't have to be lonely.
So go ahead and deal with thosethings, those barriers that may
(11:37):
be keeping you from connectingwith other people, first
recognizing that you need otherpeople to support you.
And listen.
I'm not talking about thesubordinates, right.
These are not people that youmay sign their time sheets or
you're responsible for makingdecisions, or they report up to
you.
I'm talking about other leadersin spaces that are dealing with
(12:00):
similar situations Supportgroup.
Who's in your support group?
Who do you go to to share yourleadership experiences with?
Who do you share yourchallenges with and provide
insight to, and are you doingthat for someone else?
Do you have that relationship?
Do you have a sounding board?
(12:21):
Do you have a safe andconfidential space where you can
share as a leader?
If you don't, it's time to beintentional about creating one,
and so one way you can do thatis simply by starting with peer
groups.
Right, there are all thesegroups that are formed, where,
(12:45):
either online, like virtualgroups that have maybe, like you
know, women leaders intechnology or women leaders in
public health I don't know orwomen who lead in ministry
spaces.
There are groups like that outthere.
Begin to plug in, begin to pluginto those spaces and maybe
just join and see what'shappening.
(13:06):
Some of these groups can bereally large, some of them can
be monetized, but even in thosespaces, you're bound to find at
least one person you havesomething in common with.
Bound to find at least oneperson you have something in
common with.
You know, another way you canstart to form these
relationships is really askingGod to show you who's around you
.
Listen, one of the people in mysupport network is someone that
(13:30):
I have known for probably 15years.
I've known them for 15 years,but it wasn't until the last two
or three years that we actuallygot to know each other.
We traveled in similar circles.
We had similar friends, friendgroups.
(13:50):
We would see each other indifferent leadership spaces, but
I never took the time to openmyself up to talk to them.
In fact, this particular womanwas somebody that I admire and I
remember going into spacesgoing, wow, she seems really
great.
I would love to get to kind ofknow her better or I wonder what
(14:11):
she thinks or how she handlesthis type of situation, and
never once did I share.
Why?
Because I had my own trustissues, but also there was a bit
of fear and being vulnerablewith someone else right what if
I'm rejected?
That fear of rejection right.
Turns out that this woman feltthe same way about me.
So this whole time, for 15years, we've been in similar
(14:32):
circles and she's thinking thesame thing about me, that I'm
thinking about her, and neitherone of us really moved to speak
to each other until one daywhere we were kind of forced
into a group in an environmentwhere I think it was like a
conference or an event, and weended up having to talk to one
another.
And after that group was over,we continued talking.
(14:52):
We realized we had similarvalues, we were dealing with
similar situations.
There were similarities, therewere things that we had in
common that we could havesupported one another on in this
whole journey.
We had similar journeys, evento leadership, but it took us
being forced to speak to oneanother in this kind of intimate
(15:14):
setting to discover that theremay be people in your circle
right now, there may be in yourenvironment right now.
I'll say there may be people inyour environment right now that
are perfect to be a part of yoursupport team, your support
network, your advisory group,your personal inner circle
(15:39):
network, your advisory group,your personal inner circle.
But you have to be able to bevulnerable and let them in.
You have to take the first stepand reach out right.
There's no reason for you to belonely while you lead.
Another way is mentorship.
I mean, you'd be surprised howmany people who have advanced or
have more experience than youin a particular leadership space
(16:01):
that if you simply reached outto them to say, hey, you know,
I'd like to be able to pick yourbrain about some things, they'd
be open to doing that.
They'd be open to doing that.
And why am I talking about this?
I'm talking about this rightnow because I have been really
in a place of transition inseveral areas in my life,
(16:24):
including in leadership, and Iam more and more keenly aware of
the power of my support networkmy peers, the people I call my
personal advisory board inhelping me navigate these spaces
.
Times when I feel like I needto quit as a leader, to have
(16:47):
those people come around me andsay, no, you can't quit.
This is just a moment.
This, too shall pass.
Here's another way of lookingat that.
Here's another way of lookingat that.
Here's another way of thinkingabout that.
Here's a solution that workedfor me that may work for you.
There's also value in takingthings off of thinking about me
me me.
(17:07):
All the time, in that samegroup, I get an opportunity to
be somebody else's support and,quite honestly, there is joy in
being able to help somebody else, and sometimes, in helping
somebody else, you realize thatyou have a solution or insight
into your own situation just byhelping them, by connecting with
(17:28):
other people, other leaders, inthis way.
It gives you so many benefitsright.
First, you're not alone.
You have an opportunity to getfresh ideas and fresh
perspectives and to have peoplethat you trust and you respect,
and it opens the door for you tocollaborate and to have growth.
Right, but you have to beintentional.
(17:51):
You have to be intentionalabout the connecting in that way
, and so there really is noreason for you to lead in places
of lead from a lonely place.
Connecting with individuals whoare also leaders is possible
(18:14):
for you.
It's possible for you.
It really is.
You just have to be intentional.
So here's what I'm going to do.
This is a short episode, Ibelieve, but here's what I'm
going to do.
I'm going to challenge you thisweek.
If you feel like you may beleading in isolation, you may be
(18:36):
leading from a place ofloneliness.
You can't really think ofanother leader, someone who is
also leading, who you can reachout to, to bounce ideas off of,
to find support from.
If that is you, I'm going toencourage you to look to build a
new relationship.
(18:56):
If you have existingrelationships this was also me
at one point and this issomething I'm being intentional
about working on even now but ifyou are a person who you know,
you have a network of people,you have a support network, but
things have kind of changed foryou.
You've been busy, you haven'tconnected with them, you haven't
(19:18):
reached out, you don't reallyknow what's going on with them
and they don't know what's goingon with you.
Be intentional aboutreconnecting and nurturing that
relationship.
That's your challenge for thisweek, in the next seven days.
If it's a new relationship, Ichallenge you to choose a day a
(19:39):
time and say, on this day, atthis time, I am going to reach
out to this person, identify whothat person is.
Even if it's a cold email,right, you don't know this
person.
You may have connected withthem on LinkedIn or at some kind
of conference or event.
You exchange you know how we do.
You exchange information.
Oh yeah, I'll connect with you.
Oh yeah, I'll connect with you.
(19:59):
Oh yeah, I'll connect with you.
And then you walk away.
You never connect with thatperson, ever again.
Right?
Choose a day and time in thenext seven days, the next seven
days where you're going to reachout to that person.
You're going to reach out byemail, you're going to reach out
by phone.
However you choose to do it,you are going to reach out to
(20:21):
that person and just see whathappens in trying to build that
and starting to build thatrelationship.
The second thing is, if you areon the other side of that, where
you actually have therelationship but you haven't
nurtured it in a while, I'mchallenging you Choose a day,
choose a time, choose a personand reach out.
Community for you will beimportant as a leader,
especially in the world we're intoday.
(20:43):
We're going into a place wherethere's so much confusion in the
world and there are someimportant decisions that you
have to make.
I know that some companies maybe downsizing, some companies
may be growing.
People who used to work fromhome are now coming back.
If you are in a nonprofitorganization, funding streams
(21:04):
may have changed for you.
If you're in ministry, you knowwhat ministry looks like for
you has changed.
There's all of these factorsthat are happening that require
your leadership skills, yourknowledge, your experience.
Who is helping you, who issupporting you?
Who can you go to when you needhelp, when you need support,
(21:25):
when you need ideas?
Identify that person and reachout.
And here's the thing.
I don't want you to reach outsaying, oh, we're going to be
fast friends.
I'm just trying to get you toreach out to start, because the
truth is not everyone is goingto connect.
Everyone you reach out to maynot be a connection in that way.
(21:46):
I mean, it's okay, at leastyou've made a new connection, or
at least you've reestablished aconnection, right, but just
make an attempt.
Now, if you are listening andyou have a robust support
network, I'm going to challengeyou to something different.
The other last part of this isthat these types of
(22:07):
relationships for leaders haveto be reciprocal, right, and so
it may be that you have someonein your support team that the
only time you hear from them iswhen they are having a problem
or a challenge, or they need asolution or they need a sounding
board, but when you need them,they're not available.
(22:28):
Right?
That is a one-sidedrelationship, and so I'm
challenging you to even assessthose people.
Listen, people come into ourlives for a season, and some
people are in our lives for alifetime.
Assess if that season's up.
And here's why Because, as younavigate your leadership spaces,
(22:52):
I believe that God bringspeople to help and support you
and encourage you and equip you.
But if you're holding on in aspace that you shouldn't be, to
a relationship that youshouldn't be, you may not be
allowing yourself room toreceive the next relationship,
right?
So be honest with yourself.
(23:13):
Be honest with yourself aboutthis, and I am pretty sure that
people have done this with me,right?
I've been in a place where I'vebeen so selfish that I haven't
been able to focus on thesetypes of relationships, and so
when I needed something, I couldcall a person and say, hey,
(23:34):
this is what I need, but I don'tknow if I was necessarily
readily available to receivefrom.
This is what I need, but Idon't know if I was necessarily
readily available to receivefrom to be a support for them,
and so that relationship was onesided for them and our
relationship changed Right.
So that's your challenge forthis week Know that you are not
(23:56):
meant to be lonely or isolated.
Again, leadership does requireyou to lead alone many times,
but loneliness and isolation isnot something that God would
have for you.
That God, who has graced you tolead, has also graced you to be
(24:19):
in relationship.
Even in the book of Ephesians,god talks about that people
aren't, people should not bealone.
I think I can't remember whatthe let me see if I can find the
scripture really fast, but itsays it's Ephesians, ephesians
four, ephesians, ephesians four.
(24:41):
And it taught I think it'sEphesians four, yeah, ephesians
four and nine.
It says two are better than onebecause they have good reward
for their labor, for if theyfall, one will lift up his
companion, but woe to him who isalone when he falls, for he has
no one to help him up.
(25:01):
We are not meant to lead and belonely.
We are meant to lead, andleadership does require
sometimes for you to makedecisions by yourself.
But you are not meant to belonely or isolated as you lead.
Even though leadership, theresponsibility of leadership,
(25:25):
can cause you to feel isolatedand lonely, there's no reason
why you couldn't find yoursupport system.
Find your group, find your crew, find your personal advisory
board and do it.
Start this week.
Start this week.
(25:45):
Ask yourself what's keeping mefrom these relationships?
First, because you might have todeal with something, but after
that, I challenge you reach outthe next seven days.
But after that, I challenge youreach out the next seven days.
If you're committed to doingthat, drop me a note.
Let me know if you're listeningon I believe if you're
(26:07):
listening on the Buzzsprout, youcan actually text me, but you
can also send me notes from theother podcast platforms.
Let me know.
Let me know if you're going totake the challenge Next seven
days.
Reach out to someone, choose atime, choose a date and reach
out.
(26:27):
I hope that this episode hasencouraged you, that you don't
have to lead from a lonely placeand you don't have to lead in
isolation.
Thank you so much for listeningto the Graced to Lead podcast
and remember that you are indeedGraced to Lead.
Welcome to the Graced to Lead podcast.
I'm Belinda Gaston, your hostand listen.
If you are a Christian womanwho leads at work, in your own
business or even in ministry,you are in the right place here.
You'll find practical adviceand encouragement as you lead
through real conversations thatwill challenge and inspire you.
So join me on this journey tobecoming better leaders, god's
(00:31):
way.
Are you ready?
Let the journey begin.
Welcome to the Graced to Leadpodcast.
I'm Belinda Gaston, your hostand listen.
Can I ask you a question?
Are you leading in loneliness?
Are you leading while isolated,feeling isolated?
(00:52):
Are you leading and feelinglike no one understands?
No one has your back?
You're leading from this spacewhere you're leading by yourself
?
If you are, you're not alone.
I recently read an article thatsaid that over 65% of women who
(01:15):
lead feel lonely.
They can feel lonely becauseyou know, as a leader, you have
responsibilities.
The sheer responsibilitiesplaced on your shoulders can
cause you to feel isolated.
It's the fact that you aremaking decisions and that you
(01:36):
are creating strategy, that youare leading organizations and
people, and it's a heavy burdento carry, and many times you
can't share that burden withothers, whether it's through
because of confidentiality.
Maybe people can't handle whatit is that you have to say at
least you perceive that way.
All of those things can beisolating, and this sense of
(02:01):
loneliness can impact yourmental health as a leader.
It can impact the way you makedecisions, and it can have even
consequences for your businesses, for the companies in which you
lead, for the ministries andthe organizations in which you
lead.
Loneliness is real for leaders.
(02:21):
Listen, I'm not saying that, asa leader, you don't have
friendships.
That's not what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is there is asubset, there is a group of
people and some of you may belistening who are leading and
carrying the responsibility ofleadership, and in a place where
, though, you have people aroundyou, you still feel alone.
(02:42):
So I want to talk about that,because God's intent for you as
a leader is not for you to leadin isolation.
It's not for you to lead from alonely place, but rather for
you to have a strong supportsystem.
We were not meant to be aloneand we were not meant to lead
(03:05):
alone, and we don't really talkabout this a lot, because there
is a level of stigma attached ifyou tell someone you feel
lonely, right?
Leaders are supposed to beimmune to that.
As a leader, you're notsupposed to be feeling lonely.
You're supposed to feelempowered and confident and bold
(03:30):
and you're supposed to walk inyour authentic self.
Right, all of the things thatwe say, even on this podcast.
But the reality is thatleadership can be a lonely job.
It just can.
Leadership can be a lonely job.
You can't necessarily sharewith those who you lead all the
(03:56):
time.
Right, it's hard to formgenuine connections.
Sometimes Leadership can belonely, but you are not meant to
lead from a place of loneliness.
So I just want to talk aboutsome ways that we can find
ourselves connected as leadersto help us get through those
(04:18):
places, so that we are notisolated and we are not lonely.
And so the first thing I wantto talk about is creating your
own kind of peer support network, your support group.
And again, I'm not talkingabout your friendship.
You may have a friend that'sbeen your friend since you know
childhood or since your collegedays, or you know what have you
(04:40):
and that's great, or what haveyou and that's great I'm talking
about, and these people may bea part of your support system,
but what I'm talking about isrelationships with other leaders
Listen to me other leaders whocan provide support for you
right.
It's important that you havethat, and recognizing that
(05:04):
that's necessary for you reallyis the first step.
And here's why, when you havethe support of a few other
leaders and you have thatsupport network, what begins to
happen is that you can sharethings with each other in ways
that you can't share with otherpeople.
Share with other people.
(05:27):
I have some really good closefriends.
Not all of them are inleadership positions or have the
leadership responsibilitiesthat I have in my life, so
sometimes they may not be ableto relate to that part of my
life.
They can relate to my emotions.
They can relate to things I maytalk about with my children or
my husband, but they may not beable to understand.
Talk about with my children ormy husband, but they may not be
(05:48):
able to understand my positionas a leader because they are not
in that place.
But I do have a support ofpeers who are also leading in
their various spaces, whetherthey're leading in organizations
or ministries or businesses,corporate spaces.
They are leading and that groupof people I can share my
leadership journey andexperiences with and my
challenges with, and we can joinin with one another, support
(06:12):
one another and grow.
So when you have that supportnetwork, it serves as a two-way
street for you, right, you getsupport and you give support and
you also.
When you have that supportnetwork, it can help impact how
you make decisions, how youchange perspectives right, how
(06:32):
you change your perspective inhandling a situation.
They can give you insights intosomething, they can be a
sounding board for you.
So it's really important thatyou have this support group.
But there are a couple of thingsI want to talk about.
There is first is you have tobe intentional about seeking out
and nurturing relationships asleaders, and it's hard to do
(06:55):
because you're busy, right,you're busy doing all the things
.
You've got a whole laundry listof things to do.
You have to do list, you havethings to approve, you have
things to review, you havethings to strategize about, you
have situations that you have tohandle, but there is time that
needs to be set aside tonurturing and forming
(07:16):
relationships with other leadersto develop this support network
.
Support network and can I pausehere and say that, even if you
have the time, even if you makethe time to do this, when I say
being intentional, what I meanis that you are putting your
heart and your mind into thistogether.
(07:36):
Right, because, see, what canhappen is you can set time to be
intentional and call someone orget to know someone, but not
really be open to receiving themin this type of relationship.
Listen, I am the queen of this.
I used to be.
I am much better than I used tobe, but I was known to be
friendly and jovial with people.
(08:00):
Right, you would encounter meand you can feel as if we've
made a connection.
But when I leave your presence,if someone were to ask you
about some of my deeper thoughts, maybe what I'm feeling, some
things that you can't tell justfrom looking at me, you wouldn't
know because I wasn't open tosharing about me, I would share
(08:23):
things like I'm married, I havechildren, I have a turtle named
Sheltron, right, those kinds ofthings.
But when it comes to deeperplaces of here are the things
I'm challenged with.
Here are the things I worryabout.
Here's what's on my mind rightnow.
I may not share that with youbecause I wasn't open to sharing
those things with you, and thereason I wasn't open was because
(08:46):
I had my own trust issues.
Listen, if you have been, ifyour trust has been mishandled
in the past.
If someone has done somethingor there's been a situation
where you have felt as if yourtrust was broken, it is easy to
build a wall up around you,particularly as leaders, because
(09:06):
you're responsible for doingthe things, for making the hard
decisions right.
It's easy to put a wall up andnot let people in, and you can
put that wall up and operate inthat space without appearing
rude Hear me without appearingrude.
You are friendly, you appear tobe open, but the reality is
(09:26):
there is a certain line, acertain place that people won't
ever be able to enter into.
And so if you are like thatthat's how I was If you are like
that, then what begins tohappen is you have superficial
relationships.
You have what you think is anetwork, but it's superficial,
and when the rubber hits theroad, so to speak, when you
(09:47):
really need to call on somepeople to give you a different
perspective, to help you to makea decision, when there is
something really important thatrequires a deeper level of
relationship, you won't have itbecause you weren't open to
receiving it.
And so when I say beingintentional about those building
(10:10):
and nurturing thoserelationships, I mean being all
in about this.
I'm not saying that you have tohave five million relationships
, but to develop at least one ortwo of them requires you to be
intentional and listen.
If you were in that place whereI was, where your own trust
(10:31):
issues were keeping you fromdeveloping relationships, I pray
right now that you deal withthose places of mistrust.
Like I had to put in work forthat I had to go to therapy, for
that I had to admit to myselfthat you know what this is an
issue for me, because thisperson didn't show up in the way
that I wanted them to when Iwas a child, because I opened
myself up to this professionalrelationship and this person
(10:54):
took my idea and made it theirown.
Whatever, it is right, you haveto deal with that place, you
have to be open, you have to bewilling to receive.
So I would say to you, if you'rein this place where you feel
like you're leading from a placeof loneliness, that first you
must kind of, you must acceptthe fact that you need people.
(11:14):
You need people, girl, you needpeople, ma'am, you need people.
You can't do it all alone.
Yes, again, the leadershipjourney can be a lonely one.
I mean you have to do somethings alone, you have to make
some decisions alone, but youdon't have to be lonely.
So go ahead and deal with thosethings, those barriers that may
(11:37):
be keeping you from connectingwith other people, first
recognizing that you need otherpeople to support you.
And listen.
I'm not talking about thesubordinates, right.
These are not people that youmay sign their time sheets or
you're responsible for makingdecisions, or they report up to
you.
I'm talking about other leadersin spaces that are dealing with
(12:00):
similar situations Supportgroup.
Who's in your support group?
Who do you go to to share yourleadership experiences with?
Who do you share yourchallenges with and provide
insight to, and are you doingthat for someone else?
Do you have that relationship?
Do you have a sounding board?
(12:21):
Do you have a safe andconfidential space where you can
share as a leader?
If you don't, it's time to beintentional about creating one,
and so one way you can do thatis simply by starting with peer
groups.
Right, there are all thesegroups that are formed, where,
(12:45):
either online, like virtualgroups that have maybe, like you
know, women leaders intechnology or women leaders in
public health I don't know orwomen who lead in ministry
spaces.
There are groups like that outthere.
Begin to plug in, begin to pluginto those spaces and maybe
just join and see what'shappening.
(13:06):
Some of these groups can bereally large, some of them can
be monetized, but even in thosespaces, you're bound to find at
least one person you havesomething in common with.
Bound to find at least oneperson you have something in
common with.
You know, another way you canstart to form these
relationships is really askingGod to show you who's around you
.
Listen, one of the people in mysupport network is someone that
(13:30):
I have known for probably 15years.
I've known them for 15 years,but it wasn't until the last two
or three years that we actuallygot to know each other.
We traveled in similar circles.
We had similar friends, friendgroups.
(13:50):
We would see each other indifferent leadership spaces, but
I never took the time to openmyself up to talk to them.
In fact, this particular womanwas somebody that I admire and I
remember going into spacesgoing, wow, she seems really
great.
I would love to get to kind ofknow her better or I wonder what
(14:11):
she thinks or how she handlesthis type of situation, and
never once did I share.
Why?
Because I had my own trustissues, but also there was a bit
of fear and being vulnerablewith someone else right what if
I'm rejected?
That fear of rejection right.
Turns out that this woman feltthe same way about me.
So this whole time, for 15years, we've been in similar
(14:32):
circles and she's thinking thesame thing about me, that I'm
thinking about her, and neitherone of us really moved to speak
to each other until one daywhere we were kind of forced
into a group in an environmentwhere I think it was like a
conference or an event, and weended up having to talk to one
another.
And after that group was over,we continued talking.
(14:52):
We realized we had similarvalues, we were dealing with
similar situations.
There were similarities, therewere things that we had in
common that we could havesupported one another on in this
whole journey.
We had similar journeys, evento leadership, but it took us
being forced to speak to oneanother in this kind of intimate
(15:14):
setting to discover that theremay be people in your circle
right now, there may be in yourenvironment right now.
I'll say there may be people inyour environment right now that
are perfect to be a part of yoursupport team, your support
network, your advisory group,your personal inner circle
(15:39):
network, your advisory group,your personal inner circle.
But you have to be able to bevulnerable and let them in.
You have to take the first stepand reach out right.
There's no reason for you to belonely while you lead.
Another way is mentorship.
I mean, you'd be surprised howmany people who have advanced or
have more experience than youin a particular leadership space
(16:01):
that if you simply reached outto them to say, hey, you know,
I'd like to be able to pick yourbrain about some things, they'd
be open to doing that.
They'd be open to doing that.
And why am I talking about this?
I'm talking about this rightnow because I have been really
in a place of transition inseveral areas in my life,
(16:24):
including in leadership, and Iam more and more keenly aware of
the power of my support networkmy peers, the people I call my
personal advisory board inhelping me navigate these spaces
.
Times when I feel like I needto quit as a leader, to have
(16:47):
those people come around me andsay, no, you can't quit.
This is just a moment.
This, too shall pass.
Here's another way of lookingat that.
Here's another way of lookingat that.
Here's another way of thinkingabout that.
Here's a solution that workedfor me that may work for you.
There's also value in takingthings off of thinking about me
me me.
(17:07):
All the time, in that samegroup, I get an opportunity to
be somebody else's support and,quite honestly, there is joy in
being able to help somebody else, and sometimes, in helping
somebody else, you realize thatyou have a solution or insight
into your own situation just byhelping them, by connecting with
(17:28):
other people, other leaders, inthis way.
It gives you so many benefitsright.
First, you're not alone.
You have an opportunity to getfresh ideas and fresh
perspectives and to have peoplethat you trust and you respect,
and it opens the door for you tocollaborate and to have growth.
Right, but you have to beintentional.
(17:51):
You have to be intentionalabout the connecting in that way
, and so there really is noreason for you to lead in places
of lead from a lonely place.
Connecting with individuals whoare also leaders is possible
(18:14):
for you.
It's possible for you.
It really is.
You just have to be intentional.
So here's what I'm going to do.
This is a short episode, Ibelieve, but here's what I'm
going to do.
I'm going to challenge you thisweek.
If you feel like you may beleading in isolation, you may be
(18:36):
leading from a place ofloneliness.
You can't really think ofanother leader, someone who is
also leading, who you can reachout to, to bounce ideas off of,
to find support from.
If that is you, I'm going toencourage you to look to build a
new relationship.
(18:56):
If you have existingrelationships this was also me
at one point and this issomething I'm being intentional
about working on even now but ifyou are a person who you know,
you have a network of people,you have a support network, but
things have kind of changed foryou.
You've been busy, you haven'tconnected with them, you haven't
(19:18):
reached out, you don't reallyknow what's going on with them
and they don't know what's goingon with you.
Be intentional aboutreconnecting and nurturing that
relationship.
That's your challenge for thisweek, in the next seven days.
If it's a new relationship, Ichallenge you to choose a day a
(19:39):
time and say, on this day, atthis time, I am going to reach
out to this person, identify whothat person is.
Even if it's a cold email,right, you don't know this
person.
You may have connected withthem on LinkedIn or at some kind
of conference or event.
You exchange you know how we do.
You exchange information.
Oh yeah, I'll connect with you.
Oh yeah, I'll connect with you.
(19:59):
Oh yeah, I'll connect with you.
And then you walk away.
You never connect with thatperson, ever again.
Right?
Choose a day and time in thenext seven days, the next seven
days where you're going to reachout to that person.
You're going to reach out byemail, you're going to reach out
by phone.
However you choose to do it,you are going to reach out to
(20:21):
that person and just see whathappens in trying to build that
and starting to build thatrelationship.
The second thing is, if you areon the other side of that, where
you actually have therelationship but you haven't
nurtured it in a while, I'mchallenging you Choose a day,
choose a time, choose a personand reach out.
Community for you will beimportant as a leader,
especially in the world we're intoday.
(20:43):
We're going into a place wherethere's so much confusion in the
world and there are someimportant decisions that you
have to make.
I know that some companies maybe downsizing, some companies
may be growing.
People who used to work fromhome are now coming back.
If you are in a nonprofitorganization, funding streams
(21:04):
may have changed for you.
If you're in ministry, you knowwhat ministry looks like for
you has changed.
There's all of these factorsthat are happening that require
your leadership skills, yourknowledge, your experience.
Who is helping you, who issupporting you?
Who can you go to when you needhelp, when you need support,
(21:25):
when you need ideas?
Identify that person and reachout.
And here's the thing.
I don't want you to reach outsaying, oh, we're going to be
fast friends.
I'm just trying to get you toreach out to start, because the
truth is not everyone is goingto connect.
Everyone you reach out to maynot be a connection in that way.
(21:46):
I mean, it's okay, at leastyou've made a new connection, or
at least you've reestablished aconnection, right, but just
make an attempt.
Now, if you are listening andyou have a robust support
network, I'm going to challengeyou to something different.
The other last part of this isthat these types of
(22:07):
relationships for leaders haveto be reciprocal, right, and so
it may be that you have someonein your support team that the
only time you hear from them iswhen they are having a problem
or a challenge, or they need asolution or they need a sounding
board, but when you need them,they're not available.
(22:28):
Right?
That is a one-sidedrelationship, and so I'm
challenging you to even assessthose people.
Listen, people come into ourlives for a season, and some
people are in our lives for alifetime.
Assess if that season's up.
And here's why Because, as younavigate your leadership spaces,
(22:52):
I believe that God bringspeople to help and support you
and encourage you and equip you.
But if you're holding on in aspace that you shouldn't be, to
a relationship that youshouldn't be, you may not be
allowing yourself room toreceive the next relationship,
right?
So be honest with yourself.
(23:13):
Be honest with yourself aboutthis, and I am pretty sure that
people have done this with me,right?
I've been in a place where I'vebeen so selfish that I haven't
been able to focus on thesetypes of relationships, and so
when I needed something, I couldcall a person and say, hey,
(23:34):
this is what I need, but I don'tknow if I was necessarily
readily available to receivefrom.
This is what I need, but Idon't know if I was necessarily
readily available to receivefrom to be a support for them,
and so that relationship was onesided for them and our
relationship changed Right.
So that's your challenge forthis week Know that you are not
(23:56):
meant to be lonely or isolated.
Again, leadership does requireyou to lead alone many times,
but loneliness and isolation isnot something that God would
have for you.
That God, who has graced you tolead, has also graced you to be
(24:19):
in relationship.
Even in the book of Ephesians,god talks about that people
aren't, people should not bealone.
I think I can't remember whatthe let me see if I can find the
scripture really fast, but itsays it's Ephesians, ephesians
four, ephesians, ephesians four.
(24:41):
And it taught I think it'sEphesians four, yeah, ephesians
four and nine.
It says two are better than onebecause they have good reward
for their labor, for if theyfall, one will lift up his
companion, but woe to him who isalone when he falls, for he has
no one to help him up.
(25:01):
We are not meant to lead and belonely.
We are meant to lead, andleadership does require
sometimes for you to makedecisions by yourself.
But you are not meant to belonely or isolated as you lead.
Even though leadership, theresponsibility of leadership,
(25:25):
can cause you to feel isolatedand lonely, there's no reason
why you couldn't find yoursupport system.
Find your group, find your crew, find your personal advisory
board and do it.
Start this week.
Start this week.
(25:45):
Ask yourself what's keeping mefrom these relationships?
First, because you might have todeal with something, but after
that, I challenge you reach outthe next seven days.
But after that, I challenge youreach out the next seven days.
If you're committed to doingthat, drop me a note.
Let me know if you're listeningon I believe if you're
(26:07):
listening on the Buzzsprout, youcan actually text me, but you
can also send me notes from theother podcast platforms.
Let me know.
Let me know if you're going totake the challenge Next seven
days.
Reach out to someone, choose atime, choose a date and reach
out.
(26:27):
I hope that this episode hasencouraged you, that you don't
have to lead from a lonely placeand you don't have to lead in
isolation.
Thank you so much for listeningto the Graced to Lead podcast
and remember that you are indeedGraced to Lead.
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