July 24, 2025 • 35 mins
In this episode, I’m pulling back the curtain on leadership loneliness and the power of Godly friendship. With more than 60% of leaders reporting feelings of isolation, it’s clear that success doesn’t always come with support. But it can and it should!
We’ll explore how authentic friendships can strengthen your leadership journey. I share how showing up for friends (and letting them show up for me) has brought healing, encouragement, and a safe space to rest from the constant pressure of performance.
If you’ve ever found it hard to build meaningful friendships because of past hurt or the demands of leadership, this episode is for you. You’ll walk away with spiritual and practical steps to help you:
✨ Show yourself friendly
✨ Embrace vulnerability
✨ And build lasting friendships—one intentional moment at a time
This episode is a reminder: your title doesn’t disqualify you from needing people. It’s okay to need safe places. It’s okay to be a leader who also needs love.
As you listen, ask yourself:
What kind of friend am I to other leaders?
And… who might God be calling me to build with?
Purchase my new book now!
- Amazon: https://a.co/d/dGOXfUa
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- Online: https://payhip.com/GracedtoLead
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey, listen, today's episode is all about friendships
.
Do you find it hard to make orkeep close friendships as a
leader?
If you do, you're not alone, solet's get into it.
Welcome to the Grace to Leadpodcast.
(00:30):
I'm Belinda Gaston, your host,and listen.
Recently, I went to Philadelphiato support a dear friend of
mine.
Shout out to Pastor MarquisaWilliams.
For those of you who listen,you know that Pastor Marquisa
was a guest on the show thisseason, so please go back and
check her episode out.
But she did an event forleaders around execution,
(00:53):
strategy and vision for theirorganizations, and she's really
good at it.
In fact, she's a few monthsshort of receiving her doctoral
degree in this space, and so sheis the expert, and she brought
in several experts for thisevent.
And so I flew up really to justsupport her and just show up
(01:17):
for my friend right, and I wentand I got some great information
.
It was an amazing thing and Igot some great information.
It was an amazing thing.
It was a couple of days that Ispent there with her.
There was something that dawnedon me, and it's really about
friendship.
You know, what I learned inthis experience is there is
(01:41):
something powerful that happensin leaders when they have
friendship relationships withother leaders, and so we're
going to talk about that.
Sometimes leadership can belonely.
Listen, I'll just speak formyself.
I know that in some casesleadership has been lonely for
me.
When you have theresponsibility of leading and
(02:04):
managing teams and servingothers, sometimes you feel like,
wait a minute, nobody reallysees me, right?
The person or maybe you'rewondering like is this just how
it is?
Is this the cost?
Is loneliness, is isolation orwhatever you want to call it?
Is that the cost of leadership?
(02:26):
And I'm here to say no, that'snot the case, and so I shared
this in another episode, butI'll share it again here.
In case you are new and ifyou're new to Grace to Lead,
welcome.
I'm so glad you're listening.
But studies have shown thatalmost I think it's over 60
percent of leaders report thatthey feel lonely or isolated in
(02:50):
their leadership, and thatpercentage increases the higher
up in level of leadership.
Right, and so even CEOs,pastors, community leaders some
of them often feel like theyhave no one they can really
confide in, no one they can callfriend, and that's not how it's
(03:12):
supposed to be.
Hear me, listen to me.
If you get nothing else if youdecide to stop listening right
now to this episode.
I need you to understand thatthat is not how it's supposed to
be.
God designed us for connection,not just to lead others, but to
walk with others.
(03:34):
And I don't know if you've evenbeen in the situation where you
do have friends, because manyof us have friends that maybe
have been our friends since highschool or college.
Maybe you've had friends thatwere childhood friends or
friends that you've justcultivated.
If you're, at any point in yourlife, you may have cultivated a
(03:54):
friend that's been a friend fora few years and they're great
friends, but as it relates toyour leadership journey, they
can't really understand yourleadership journey.
They can't really understand.
Listen, I'm here to tell youthat sometimes you have friends
that, when you go into a newseason, don't understand the
season you're in, and that'sbecause some of the people who
(04:16):
are connected to us I heardsomeone say this that some
friends are for a lifetime, Somefriends are for a short time,
some friends are for just a timeto get you where God wants you
to be, and so friends come indifferent types, but sometimes
even our closest friends andI'll include family here may not
(04:40):
be able to relate to yourleadership journey, and so it's
important that leaders havefriends, and so you know that
this.
You know I talk a lot aboutbiblical principles here on this
show, but if you actually lookin the Bible, the Bible shows us
(05:01):
what godly friends look like.
I mean, there are lots ofexamples.
I think the most famous one, orthe most, I don't want to say
most famous one, but probablythe most well-known when people
think about friendship in theBible, is David and Jonathan.
David and Jonathan they had adeep, covenant friendship.
It was rooted in love andloyalty.
(05:22):
Jonathan, if you don't know thestory, jonathan stood by David,
even when it cost himeverything, when his very own
father was chasing after David.
And I'm not going to go intothose scriptures I might do a
study on this a little bit laterbut yeah, so David and Jonathan
was one.
We also see Elisha and Elisha.
That is what I call a propheticpartnership.
(05:44):
It shows how God usesfriendship to transfer wisdom
and anointing and listen.
Even though this is in theBible, this happens in corporate
spaces.
There are people who are calledto be in friendship
relationships with you incorporate spaces, in your
businesses, in your jobs,wherever you are leading in
(06:08):
spaces that God will use to helptransfer wisdom.
We sometimes call thatmentorship right.
And then you can even look atJesus and his disciples.
He didn't just call themservants.
I think there's a scripturethat says I don't just call you
servants, I call you friends.
So friendship is not, it'scentral to how God moved through
(06:31):
people, even in the Bible, andso we know that there are lots
of scriptures about it.
You know, a friend loves at alltimes and a brother is born for
adversity, like.
I think that is in Proverbs 17,17.
Faithful are the wounds of afriend.
Two are better than one.
We've heard these things and Ithink that if you are a leader
(06:53):
of faith, then you're like yeah,I understand that.
So then the question becomes whydon't we cultivate friendships
Right?
Here's the hard part.
Many of us are not cultivatingdeep friendships, and I know
that there's a reason for that.
There's lots of reasons forthat.
(07:15):
Some of us have been hurt Again.
I've talked about this before.
Some of us have been hurt.
Some of us are too busy tryingto lead well that we forget we
also need to live well.
Can I just say that again, youcan't be so busy leading well
(07:35):
that you forget to live well.
Some of us don't even want tobe vulnerable enough to open
ourselves up to a friend,because leadership has taught us
to keep our walls up.
Yes, in our leadership spaces,things can be competitive.
(07:57):
Yes, in our leadership spaces,some of us, to get to those
places of leadership, had towork hard, had to do things that
in isolation, had to burn themidnight oil, had to, but that
doesn't mean that we have tokeep a wall up right?
Here's the truth.
(08:18):
The reality is friendship is aspiritual need.
It's a need, it is a essentialneed for a leader.
Let me say that again Friendshipis an essential need for a
(08:39):
leader.
And listen, I know we've talkedabout I think I often hear in
leadership spaces that you needa mentor, you need an ally and
you need a sponsor.
Right?
The mentor is someone who'spouring in wisdom to you and
showing you how things are done.
The ally is someone whosupports you.
(09:01):
They might be on the same level, but they support you.
Who supports you?
They might be on the same level, but they support you.
And then that sponsor issomeone who has the influence
and the authority to speak yourname in rooms or at tables that
you're not in and really sponsoryou and your growth.
I think that is all important,but what I'm talking about here
is a deeper connection.
(09:23):
Why does friendship matter forleaders?
Here's what I've learned andhere's some of the things that
came to me as I was traveling.
So remember, I said I went toPhiladelphia to the Elevate
Leadership Summit to support myfriend, marquisa right.
What I realized in her presenceas I was supporting her and
(09:43):
there were some other leadersthere there was our friend
Candace was a speaker, and therewere other leaders in the room
but what I realized forspecifically for Marquisa and
myself, and also for Candace, asI was supporting them,
something began to happen in meand so I want to talk about that
(10:08):
.
So if you're listening to me,leader, and you're like, okay, I
hear you, but I really don'tneed friends, I'm good, I'm
growing, I'm developing withouthaving these deeper connections.
I have a mentor, I have asponsor, I have an ally.
Let me tell you what can happenwhen you start to cultivate
(10:29):
friendships as a leader.
First is friendships realfriends begin to strengthen your
gifts.
Here's what happened for methis weekend as I was being a
friend to Marquisa, as I wasbeing a friend to Candice and
supporting what they were doing.
So Candice was a speaker atthis event.
(10:51):
As I was doing that, I noticedthat something inside of me
began to change my gifts, thegift that I had of facilitating,
of prayer, of even givingprophetic words.
Those things becamestrengthened just because I was
(11:14):
being a good friend, justbecause I was in their presence,
supporting them and being therefor no other reason but to just
be a friend.
The Bible tells us in Proverbsthat as iron sharpens iron, so
one person sharpens another.
This is a thing as I wasoperating in the role of friend,
(11:41):
of friend.
The reciprocation from myfriend Marquisa right, was a
level of encouragement thatreally honestly brought out some
new things in me.
A real friend can call out yourgreatness.
She even prayed for me somethings that I just didn't expect
(12:02):
, right.
So as you develop thesefriendship relationships, you'd
be surprised a real friend,particularly in leadership
spaces, can help call out somethings in you, can help call out
some gifts and you can say, hey, you know what?
You may not see this in you,but here's what I see.
(12:24):
They can also help you stayaligned in purpose, the entire
experience of being a friend inthat situation.
Leader to leader not only beganto help me see some things in
myself, but reinforced somethings.
So, leader, if you put sometime into cultivating
(12:47):
friendships, then it canstrengthen your gifts, right?
I'll tell you another thingthat friendships for leaders do.
Friendships for leaders canhelp you heal.
Remember, we talked about thesewalls that we have up sometimes
as leaders.
We can't let people inFriendships real friendships can
(13:13):
help you heal.
I'm going to give you anotherexample.
We're going to move away fromthis weekend's experience.
I'm going to talk and I'm justcalling.
I feel like I'm calling myfriends out here.
I don't know if they're goingto appreciate this, but I have
two friends in particular that Ilove dearly Michelle and Nina.
And Michelle and Nina areleaders in their own right.
(13:34):
They are amazing women.
They are incredibly giftedleaders.
Michelle has the ability to seestrategy.
She's an amazing teacher, aninstructor, a trainer.
She's worked at a Fortune 500company.
Nina has a very high emotionalintelligence.
(13:56):
She's high EQ.
She has the ability toencourage and inspire within
corporate settings.
She sees beyond the surface ofthings.
Listen, I feel like I'm givingtheir bio, but I'm just trying
to give you an idea of who thesetwo women are right.
And so when we first becamefriends, I still had a wall up.
(14:17):
If you have read my book by now, you know I talk about this in
the book.
I still had a bit of a wall.
Why?
Because I had been friends infriendship relationships that I
thought were deep friendshipsand been hurt in those spaces
Right, and so I wasn't quitesure how to handle being in
(14:38):
first friendship relationshipswith people who I admired and
thought, oh my gosh, these womenare amazing.
And and allow myself to bevulnerable enough to have this
friendship relationship becausein order for us to be friends,
that means there's some, there'ssome characteristics of a
(14:58):
friendship, that friendshipsthat have to happen.
You know, characteristics offriendship means that we have
deeper connections, we have adeeper conversations, and I'm
not going to go again, I'm notgoing to go into the biblical
stuff here, but I think thoseare great examples.
I really think I might need todo a video just talking about
this and breaking this down abit more.
But when you are a friend, thatmeans that you know intimate
(15:23):
things about each other.
It means that you tell eachother the truth.
It means that when you see yourfriend doing something or
saying something that's notappropriate, you call them on it
, right?
That's a deeper level of justan acquaintance where you might
let something slide because,well, you know, I don't want to
offend them.
(15:43):
A friend is not afraid tooffend because they act out of
love, right?
But in order for me to receivethat, I had to let my guard down
.
But I had been hurt.
I had been hurt by women whowere in leadership spaces Now
I'm not talking about.
I have some great friends thatI grew up with, some friends
(16:03):
that I've known all the time.
I'm talking about friendshipsin leadership spaces, where I
have been hurt.
But what I've learned in myrelationship with Michelle and
Nina is that they have createdsafe spaces for me to share what
I feel.
And so, you know, both of themare really good at asking the
(16:26):
question what's that about?
Where do you think that'scoming from?
Right?
What's going on there andreally kind of helps me be
reflective of where is thatcoming from?
Why am I responding that way?
Right, and over the course ofthe years of our conversations,
what's happened is that the mererelationship, hear me, the
(16:52):
friendship between the three ofus has helped me to heal, and
sometimes that has been throughconversation.
Sometimes that's just been uslaughing, sometimes it's been
prayer, sometimes it feels likeyou can.
(17:13):
I believe that if I were goingthrough something, I could call
either of them and not say aword.
I feel this way about all of myfriends, but I cannot say a
word and the silence would behealing.
You understand what I'm saying.
Friendships, leaders, help youheal, so friendships, they
(17:35):
strengthen your gifts.
They also help you heal, butfriendships also they empower
you, right?
You know we all have that.
One friend that's like acheerleader, right A cheerleader
I have.
I actually have a friend, my'slike a cheerleader, right A
cheerleader I have.
I actually have a friend, mygoodness.
I'm calling all my friends, notall of my friends, because I do
(17:56):
have many friends, but I don'tcall everybody a friend.
That's a whole otherconversation, because let me
just talk about the differencesbetween acquaintances and
friends.
There are people that you arefriendly with.
There are people that you knowwell.
Those are acquaintances andfriends.
There are people that you arefriendly with.
There are people that you knowwell.
Those are acquaintances, butthe people that you call your
friends are the ones that youwould go through with.
You understand what I'm saying.
(18:18):
And so, while I say I have a lotof friends, I don't have a lot
of friends.
I have a lot of acquaintances,but I'm pretty sure, going
through this episode, I'm notgoing to be able to call all of
my friends out, but I want togive you an idea of what I mean
by friends.
Empower you, and so I have afriend.
(18:40):
I actually have a couple offriends, but one of them I have
these friends that I call mycheerleaders, like they're the
ones who I can say you know what?
I have this idea in my businessand this is what I'm thinking,
and they'll be like they'll.
They'll tell me the truth ifthey think it's a bad idea or,
you know, if it's a, if theythink, oh, you know, let's think
(19:03):
about this in a different way.
But if they feel like this is athing that I am called to do,
if they feel, god, confidence inwhat I said, they will hype me
up.
Let's go, let's do it.
When you're going to do it, yougot this.
Those are the cheerleaders,right?
And so you know, I have a friend, naquana, that will do that.
(19:26):
I think she's been on the showtoo.
That'll be like cheering me on.
Oh my goodness, dr NedraBuckmark.
She is the same way that justlike, cheers you on, just like,
okay, let's do it, let's go forit, let's go, push you forward.
Like that is what friends do.
They empower you, right, theyempower you.
They empower you, my friendChristine.
(19:48):
If I call her and say you knowwhat I want to do?
X, y and Z After she is, now,she's strategic, so think about
it.
It's like, okay, so this iswhat you want to do, she will
let's go, let's do it, andthat's what friends are for,
right.
And so friends empower you.
(20:10):
You know, if you think aboutJonathan and David again, if you
want to read the story ofJonathan and David, you can read
the book of First Samuel in theBible Jonathan and David.
Jonathan did this really well.
He wasn't.
He encouraged David, oftenreminding him of who he was, in
case you forget, right, is thatidentity?
(20:31):
Well, you know, if you'refeeling like, oh, I can't do
this, a good friend as a leaderwill say listen, remember who
you are.
You are X, y and Z.
You're a leader in this space.
You've done this before.
God's brought you here before.
Like it's that kind of ofleadership, right, friendship,
(20:55):
leaders.
And the last thing I'll just sayis that friends provide rest
for you.
Now, listen, I have, I havefriends that are my resting
place.
All of my friends I feel like Ican rest with, and I'll use my
(21:20):
cousin Yolanda as an examplehere.
Oh gosh, so here I am callingnames, oh my goodness.
But like there's some peoplewho I am friends with, just
their presence allows me to rest.
They give me space to bewithout performance.
(21:40):
Let me just say that again,because, as leaders, we're often
performing not in a bad way.
We're performing our leadershipresponsibilities, but sometimes
we need to not be the CEO, theVP, the AVP, the minister, the
prophet or whatever yourleadership role is, the head of
(22:01):
this organization, theentrepreneur, the whatever and
just be.
It's rest, and God will allowyour friends to be that place if
you let them.
And my cousin Yolanda can cometo my house right now and just
(22:23):
enter into a room and not say aword, and I can feel her rest.
I can feel rest.
I feel the same way with Cheryl.
There are times I could justsit.
There are people you canliterally just sit with.
This is, hear me, leaders.
I am.
I'm sure I'm not telling yousomething you don't know already
and this is not meant to be acall out to my friends, it
(22:49):
really isn't.
I just I kind of went down thispath and didn't expect it,
because this is not a scriptedconversation, but what I'm
saying is ultimately, leaders,if you don't have friends, if
you don't have friendships, youare missing out on the value of
(23:14):
those friendship relationshipsthat can improve your leadership
journey.
Hear me, it can make you abetter leader.
You were not meant to leadalone.
(23:37):
So how do we cultivate thesefriendships?
Right, let's talk about what itactually takes, and I'm going
to give you three things that Ithink it takes, that I've
learned in my own personaljourney and I would love to hear
from you what you think.
But the first thing that Ithink I had to realize is that,
in order to be a friend, I haveto show myself friendly.
(23:58):
Now let me tell you something,as I am telling you this, I am
working through this when I amright now, in July of 2025, is
very different than where I wasin July of 2023.
And there are still people thatI know I am to be connected to
(24:21):
that have reached out that I'verejected and I'm correcting that
it is a behavior.
So the first thing I'll say is,in order to cultivate these
friendships, as a leader, youhave to show yourself friendly,
which means you have to beintentional.
You have to be intentional, youhave to reach out, sometimes
(24:42):
first.
You don't always wait forsomeone to get you, but you
invite them in.
This takes a level of boldnessand bravery to do.
The old me has a tendency toonly really talk to people when
(25:04):
they talk to me.
I will smile, right, whichmakes it seem as if I'm open and
I can do small talk.
I would do small talk, but Iwouldn't really go any deeper
than that, right, and so I hadto show myself friendly.
I had to push past that inorder to have these
(25:26):
relationships.
And that goes to.
The second thing is being openand willing.
Listen, you cannot buildconnection without vulnerability
.
I will say that again.
You cannot build connection andfriendship without
vulnerability vulnerability.
(25:47):
You have to be willing to letpeople see the real you, not the
you with the titleno-transcript.
And I will tell you that thisis probably the hardest part,
(26:09):
especially if you've been hurtbefore, if you felt rejected
before I grew up, I'll just saythis I grew up wanting
friendships and not really beingaccepted in friendship circles.
So I had groups of people thatI associated with, but no real
(26:32):
friends.
And so what begins to happen isyou don't show people the real
you for fear of rejection.
So, hear me, this is I'm sayingthis to you because I think
it's important but also toacknowledge that this is not
easy.
And for me, what I've had toadopt over the last three years
(26:55):
is Lord, show me who this personis supposed to be in my life.
So when I meet somebody, Ithink, oh, that person, that
leader, I would really like toget to know them better.
Who is this person to me, god,and how should I respond?
Right, you have to be willingto be vulnerable.
(27:17):
And even earlier this year, Iconnected in a group, I
connected in a mentoring groupearlier this year and around
January I think it was earlythis year or last year, end of
last year and I started to feelconnections with some of the
ladies and I tell you, I gotscared.
I'm not, I'm just going to bereal with y'all.
I got scared because I was like, oh, we are connecting, but
(27:41):
what if I'm rejected?
What if I fail at something?
What if this doesn't work outand then it's going to be all
awkward and I began to pull awayand I literally removed myself
from that group because I didn'twant to take the risk and God
had to deal with me about that.
God told me listen, I put thesepeople here for a reason and
(28:05):
you have now forfeited that fora moment Now, whether I come
back to those people, some ofthose people I'm still in
connection with.
But I'm telling you this and I'mbeing transparent because I
know it's not easy, particularlyfor women.
I don't know what it is about.
Men, men just be like, hey, howyou doing, and then all of a
(28:28):
sudden they're the best friendsthey like, got a bromance going.
Women, it's a little morecomplicated and I acknowledge
that.
But what I'm telling you is youneed it as a woman who leads.
So show yourself friendly, beopen and willing.
And the last thing I'd like toshare with you is that I'd like
you to understand thatfriendships are built over time.
(28:49):
The relationships I have didnot happen overnight.
Now there are a couple ofpeople I just clicked with
immediately.
We finished each other'ssentences.
But even with that, to go fromacquaintance to friend, meaning
I'm showing up for you, I cantell you some things that are
(29:12):
not pretty about myself, and younot judge me.
We can create safe space forone another.
It's mutually beneficial.
Like all of that, it takes timeand it's hard because we live
in this kind of fast world.
Everything is quick and we getconfused because some of us even
think that we have friendshipsbut all we have are social media
(29:32):
connections, right?
Or text message.
That is not a friendship andthat's another conversation.
I'm not going to go there, butyou have to invest time, you
have to follow up, you have tokeep showing up, because trust
is earned and deep connection isformed from consistency, right?
(29:57):
I just if I had to end thisbecause I really am trying to
keep my these episodes a littleshorter.
That was some of the feedback Igot from the first season.
But let me just say this I wantyou to know that you were not
meant to lead alone.
Jesus had friends, david hadfriends, paul had friends, so
(30:23):
why would you think that youwould have to go through it
alone?
I want you, at the end of thisepisode, to ask God to show you
who he's placed in your life forfriendship.
Maybe it's someone you alreadyknow, maybe you overlooked them.
Maybe it's someone you need toreach out to again.
(30:43):
And then here's the hard part.
Here's what I've been doinglately.
I'm telling y'all all mybusiness once again, but I've
been asking myself what kind offriend am I?
I have a group of I have twofriends from college that one of
them reaches out consistentlyand I'm usually never available.
(31:04):
What kind of friendship is that?
Me never being available?
What kind of friend is that?
I have a friend that's goingthrough something and I've tried
to be there for her and be agood friend for her, but I'm
sure I've fallen short in somecases.
Right, what kind of friend am I?
(31:26):
Ooh, ask yourself that question, because we don't want just
connections.
I believe that, leaders, god hascalled us to have some covenant
relationships, relationshipsthat stretch us, relationships
that challenge us, relationshipsthat protect us, relationships
(31:48):
that comfort us, relationshipsthat are example of God's love.
And so if you are in the placeright now, leader, where you're
like I don't have friends, noteven one, as a leader Again,
we're talking about otherleaders Are you in relationship
(32:13):
with other leaders?
If you say I can't name one,then I want you to pray and ask
God to show you who he's placedin your life.
For this reason, what may behindering you from that?
And I want you to beintentional about being open,
(32:40):
because there is a blessing infriendship Friendship.
(33:02):
Your leadership is better whenyou have other leaders that you
call friends.
And let me just say this Whileyou're praying for friends,
don't forget to be the kind offriend that you're praying for.
That's what God's been showingme, is all about me, right?
You pray for things, god, sendme a friend who understands.
(33:25):
Send me a friend who won'tjudge.
Send me a friend who gets me.
But like, are you that kind offriend to someone else?
Be the kind of friend thatyou're praying for.
So that's it, I'm done.
(33:45):
I just wanted to share with youthe power of friendship for
leaders.
I personally believe that thefriends I have, the other
leaders that I am in friendshiprelationships with, they have
proven to help me strengthen mygifts.
(34:06):
They've proven to help mestrengthen my gifts.
They've proven to help me seemyself in ways I didn't imagine,
help me change my perspectiveon how I lead, and they've been
safe spaces for me, and I, forone, am grateful for those
(34:30):
people and I am excited aboutwhat God is going to continue to
do through those friendshiprelationships and shout out to
my friends If I didn't call yourname and you know that, you
know that you, my girl I did notmean to start calling names at
all.
I did not mean to start callingnames at all.
That was not what I intended.
(34:52):
But to my friends, I love youso very much.
And to those of you who havelistened to the Grace to Lead
podcast, thank you for listening.
Thank you for continuing toshow up with me.
I've had some technicaldifficulties over the last
couple of weeks.
There's some weeks that Icouldn't put out a podcast, but
(35:17):
I thank you for listening andI'd love to hear your feedback.
Give me some feedback.
Text comment wherever you'rehearing this, let me know what
you think.
And until we meet each othernext week, remember you are
indeed graced to lead Bye-bye.
Hey, listen, today's episode is all about friendships
.
Do you find it hard to make orkeep close friendships as a
leader?
If you do, you're not alone, solet's get into it.
Welcome to the Grace to Leadpodcast.
(00:30):
I'm Belinda Gaston, your host,and listen.
Recently, I went to Philadelphiato support a dear friend of
mine.
Shout out to Pastor MarquisaWilliams.
For those of you who listen,you know that Pastor Marquisa
was a guest on the show thisseason, so please go back and
check her episode out.
But she did an event forleaders around execution,
(00:53):
strategy and vision for theirorganizations, and she's really
good at it.
In fact, she's a few monthsshort of receiving her doctoral
degree in this space, and so sheis the expert, and she brought
in several experts for thisevent.
And so I flew up really to justsupport her and just show up
(01:17):
for my friend right, and I wentand I got some great information
.
It was an amazing thing and Igot some great information.
It was an amazing thing.
It was a couple of days that Ispent there with her.
There was something that dawnedon me, and it's really about
friendship.
You know, what I learned inthis experience is there is
(01:41):
something powerful that happensin leaders when they have
friendship relationships withother leaders, and so we're
going to talk about that.
Sometimes leadership can belonely.
Listen, I'll just speak formyself.
I know that in some casesleadership has been lonely for
me.
When you have theresponsibility of leading and
(02:04):
managing teams and servingothers, sometimes you feel like,
wait a minute, nobody reallysees me, right?
The person or maybe you'rewondering like is this just how
it is?
Is this the cost?
Is loneliness, is isolation orwhatever you want to call it?
Is that the cost of leadership?
(02:26):
And I'm here to say no, that'snot the case, and so I shared
this in another episode, butI'll share it again here.
In case you are new and ifyou're new to Grace to Lead,
welcome.
I'm so glad you're listening.
But studies have shown thatalmost I think it's over 60
percent of leaders report thatthey feel lonely or isolated in
(02:50):
their leadership, and thatpercentage increases the higher
up in level of leadership.
Right, and so even CEOs,pastors, community leaders some
of them often feel like theyhave no one they can really
confide in, no one they can callfriend, and that's not how it's
(03:12):
supposed to be.
Hear me, listen to me.
If you get nothing else if youdecide to stop listening right
now to this episode.
I need you to understand thatthat is not how it's supposed to
be.
God designed us for connection,not just to lead others, but to
walk with others.
(03:34):
And I don't know if you've evenbeen in the situation where you
do have friends, because manyof us have friends that maybe
have been our friends since highschool or college.
Maybe you've had friends thatwere childhood friends or
friends that you've justcultivated.
If you're, at any point in yourlife, you may have cultivated a
(03:54):
friend that's been a friend fora few years and they're great
friends, but as it relates toyour leadership journey, they
can't really understand yourleadership journey.
They can't really understand.
Listen, I'm here to tell youthat sometimes you have friends
that, when you go into a newseason, don't understand the
season you're in, and that'sbecause some of the people who
(04:16):
are connected to us I heardsomeone say this that some
friends are for a lifetime, Somefriends are for a short time,
some friends are for just a timeto get you where God wants you
to be, and so friends come indifferent types, but sometimes
even our closest friends andI'll include family here may not
(04:40):
be able to relate to yourleadership journey, and so it's
important that leaders havefriends, and so you know that
this.
You know I talk a lot aboutbiblical principles here on this
show, but if you actually lookin the Bible, the Bible shows us
(05:01):
what godly friends look like.
I mean, there are lots ofexamples.
I think the most famous one, orthe most, I don't want to say
most famous one, but probablythe most well-known when people
think about friendship in theBible, is David and Jonathan.
David and Jonathan they had adeep, covenant friendship.
It was rooted in love andloyalty.
(05:22):
Jonathan, if you don't know thestory, jonathan stood by David,
even when it cost himeverything, when his very own
father was chasing after David.
And I'm not going to go intothose scriptures I might do a
study on this a little bit laterbut yeah, so David and Jonathan
was one.
We also see Elisha and Elisha.
That is what I call a propheticpartnership.
(05:44):
It shows how God usesfriendship to transfer wisdom
and anointing and listen.
Even though this is in theBible, this happens in corporate
spaces.
There are people who are calledto be in friendship
relationships with you incorporate spaces, in your
businesses, in your jobs,wherever you are leading in
(06:08):
spaces that God will use to helptransfer wisdom.
We sometimes call thatmentorship right.
And then you can even look atJesus and his disciples.
He didn't just call themservants.
I think there's a scripturethat says I don't just call you
servants, I call you friends.
So friendship is not, it'scentral to how God moved through
(06:31):
people, even in the Bible, andso we know that there are lots
of scriptures about it.
You know, a friend loves at alltimes and a brother is born for
adversity, like.
I think that is in Proverbs 17,17.
Faithful are the wounds of afriend.
Two are better than one.
We've heard these things and Ithink that if you are a leader
(06:53):
of faith, then you're like yeah,I understand that.
So then the question becomes whydon't we cultivate friendships
Right?
Here's the hard part.
Many of us are not cultivatingdeep friendships, and I know
that there's a reason for that.
There's lots of reasons forthat.
(07:15):
Some of us have been hurt Again.
I've talked about this before.
Some of us have been hurt.
Some of us are too busy tryingto lead well that we forget we
also need to live well.
Can I just say that again, youcan't be so busy leading well
(07:35):
that you forget to live well.
Some of us don't even want tobe vulnerable enough to open
ourselves up to a friend,because leadership has taught us
to keep our walls up.
Yes, in our leadership spaces,things can be competitive.
(07:57):
Yes, in our leadership spaces,some of us, to get to those
places of leadership, had towork hard, had to do things that
in isolation, had to burn themidnight oil, had to, but that
doesn't mean that we have tokeep a wall up right?
Here's the truth.
(08:18):
The reality is friendship is aspiritual need.
It's a need, it is a essentialneed for a leader.
Let me say that again Friendshipis an essential need for a
(08:39):
leader.
And listen, I know we've talkedabout I think I often hear in
leadership spaces that you needa mentor, you need an ally and
you need a sponsor.
Right?
The mentor is someone who'spouring in wisdom to you and
showing you how things are done.
The ally is someone whosupports you.
(09:01):
They might be on the same level, but they support you.
Who supports you?
They might be on the same level, but they support you.
And then that sponsor issomeone who has the influence
and the authority to speak yourname in rooms or at tables that
you're not in and really sponsoryou and your growth.
I think that is all important,but what I'm talking about here
is a deeper connection.
(09:23):
Why does friendship matter forleaders?
Here's what I've learned andhere's some of the things that
came to me as I was traveling.
So remember, I said I went toPhiladelphia to the Elevate
Leadership Summit to support myfriend, marquisa right.
What I realized in her presenceas I was supporting her and
(09:43):
there were some other leadersthere there was our friend
Candace was a speaker, and therewere other leaders in the room
but what I realized forspecifically for Marquisa and
myself, and also for Candace, asI was supporting them,
something began to happen in meand so I want to talk about that
(10:08):
.
So if you're listening to me,leader, and you're like, okay, I
hear you, but I really don'tneed friends, I'm good, I'm
growing, I'm developing withouthaving these deeper connections.
I have a mentor, I have asponsor, I have an ally.
Let me tell you what can happenwhen you start to cultivate
(10:29):
friendships as a leader.
First is friendships realfriends begin to strengthen your
gifts.
Here's what happened for methis weekend as I was being a
friend to Marquisa, as I wasbeing a friend to Candice and
supporting what they were doing.
So Candice was a speaker atthis event.
(10:51):
As I was doing that, I noticedthat something inside of me
began to change my gifts, thegift that I had of facilitating,
of prayer, of even givingprophetic words.
Those things becamestrengthened just because I was
(11:14):
being a good friend, justbecause I was in their presence,
supporting them and being therefor no other reason but to just
be a friend.
The Bible tells us in Proverbsthat as iron sharpens iron, so
one person sharpens another.
This is a thing as I wasoperating in the role of friend,
(11:41):
of friend.
The reciprocation from myfriend Marquisa right, was a
level of encouragement thatreally honestly brought out some
new things in me.
A real friend can call out yourgreatness.
She even prayed for me somethings that I just didn't expect
(12:02):
, right.
So as you develop thesefriendship relationships, you'd
be surprised a real friend,particularly in leadership
spaces, can help call out somethings in you, can help call out
some gifts and you can say, hey, you know what?
You may not see this in you,but here's what I see.
(12:24):
They can also help you stayaligned in purpose, the entire
experience of being a friend inthat situation.
Leader to leader not only beganto help me see some things in
myself, but reinforced somethings.
So, leader, if you put sometime into cultivating
(12:47):
friendships, then it canstrengthen your gifts, right?
I'll tell you another thingthat friendships for leaders do.
Friendships for leaders canhelp you heal.
Remember, we talked about thesewalls that we have up sometimes
as leaders.
We can't let people inFriendships real friendships can
(13:13):
help you heal.
I'm going to give you anotherexample.
We're going to move away fromthis weekend's experience.
I'm going to talk and I'm justcalling.
I feel like I'm calling myfriends out here.
I don't know if they're goingto appreciate this, but I have
two friends in particular that Ilove dearly Michelle and Nina.
And Michelle and Nina areleaders in their own right.
(13:34):
They are amazing women.
They are incredibly giftedleaders.
Michelle has the ability to seestrategy.
She's an amazing teacher, aninstructor, a trainer.
She's worked at a Fortune 500company.
Nina has a very high emotionalintelligence.
(13:56):
She's high EQ.
She has the ability toencourage and inspire within
corporate settings.
She sees beyond the surface ofthings.
Listen, I feel like I'm givingtheir bio, but I'm just trying
to give you an idea of who thesetwo women are right.
And so when we first becamefriends, I still had a wall up.
(14:17):
If you have read my book by now, you know I talk about this in
the book.
I still had a bit of a wall.
Why?
Because I had been friends infriendship relationships that I
thought were deep friendshipsand been hurt in those spaces
Right, and so I wasn't quitesure how to handle being in
(14:38):
first friendship relationshipswith people who I admired and
thought, oh my gosh, these womenare amazing.
And and allow myself to bevulnerable enough to have this
friendship relationship becausein order for us to be friends,
that means there's some, there'ssome characteristics of a
(14:58):
friendship, that friendshipsthat have to happen.
You know, characteristics offriendship means that we have
deeper connections, we have adeeper conversations, and I'm
not going to go again, I'm notgoing to go into the biblical
stuff here, but I think thoseare great examples.
I really think I might need todo a video just talking about
this and breaking this down abit more.
But when you are a friend, thatmeans that you know intimate
(15:23):
things about each other.
It means that you tell eachother the truth.
It means that when you see yourfriend doing something or
saying something that's notappropriate, you call them on it
, right?
That's a deeper level of justan acquaintance where you might
let something slide because,well, you know, I don't want to
offend them.
(15:43):
A friend is not afraid tooffend because they act out of
love, right?
But in order for me to receivethat, I had to let my guard down
.
But I had been hurt.
I had been hurt by women whowere in leadership spaces Now
I'm not talking about.
I have some great friends thatI grew up with, some friends
(16:03):
that I've known all the time.
I'm talking about friendshipsin leadership spaces, where I
have been hurt.
But what I've learned in myrelationship with Michelle and
Nina is that they have createdsafe spaces for me to share what
I feel.
And so, you know, both of themare really good at asking the
(16:26):
question what's that about?
Where do you think that'scoming from?
Right?
What's going on there andreally kind of helps me be
reflective of where is thatcoming from?
Why am I responding that way?
Right, and over the course ofthe years of our conversations,
what's happened is that the mererelationship, hear me, the
(16:52):
friendship between the three ofus has helped me to heal, and
sometimes that has been throughconversation.
Sometimes that's just been uslaughing, sometimes it's been
prayer, sometimes it feels likeyou can.
(17:13):
I believe that if I were goingthrough something, I could call
either of them and not say aword.
I feel this way about all of myfriends, but I cannot say a
word and the silence would behealing.
You understand what I'm saying.
Friendships, leaders, help youheal, so friendships, they
(17:35):
strengthen your gifts.
They also help you heal, butfriendships also they empower
you, right?
You know we all have that.
One friend that's like acheerleader, right A cheerleader
I have.
I actually have a friend, my'slike a cheerleader, right A
cheerleader I have.
I actually have a friend, mygoodness.
I'm calling all my friends, notall of my friends, because I do
(17:56):
have many friends, but I don'tcall everybody a friend.
That's a whole otherconversation, because let me
just talk about the differencesbetween acquaintances and
friends.
There are people that you arefriendly with.
There are people that you knowwell.
Those are acquaintances andfriends.
There are people that you arefriendly with.
There are people that you knowwell.
Those are acquaintances, butthe people that you call your
friends are the ones that youwould go through with.
You understand what I'm saying.
(18:18):
And so, while I say I have a lotof friends, I don't have a lot
of friends.
I have a lot of acquaintances,but I'm pretty sure, going
through this episode, I'm notgoing to be able to call all of
my friends out, but I want togive you an idea of what I mean
by friends.
Empower you, and so I have afriend.
(18:40):
I actually have a couple offriends, but one of them I have
these friends that I call mycheerleaders, like they're the
ones who I can say you know what?
I have this idea in my businessand this is what I'm thinking,
and they'll be like they'll.
They'll tell me the truth ifthey think it's a bad idea or,
you know, if it's a, if theythink, oh, you know, let's think
(19:03):
about this in a different way.
But if they feel like this is athing that I am called to do,
if they feel, god, confidence inwhat I said, they will hype me
up.
Let's go, let's do it.
When you're going to do it, yougot this.
Those are the cheerleaders,right?
And so you know, I have a friend, naquana, that will do that.
(19:26):
I think she's been on the showtoo.
That'll be like cheering me on.
Oh my goodness, dr NedraBuckmark.
She is the same way that justlike, cheers you on, just like,
okay, let's do it, let's go forit, let's go, push you forward.
Like that is what friends do.
They empower you, right, theyempower you.
They empower you, my friendChristine.
(19:48):
If I call her and say you knowwhat I want to do?
X, y and Z After she is, now,she's strategic, so think about
it.
It's like, okay, so this iswhat you want to do, she will
let's go, let's do it, andthat's what friends are for,
right.
And so friends empower you.
(20:10):
You know, if you think aboutJonathan and David again, if you
want to read the story ofJonathan and David, you can read
the book of First Samuel in theBible Jonathan and David.
Jonathan did this really well.
He wasn't.
He encouraged David, oftenreminding him of who he was, in
case you forget, right, is thatidentity?
(20:31):
Well, you know, if you'refeeling like, oh, I can't do
this, a good friend as a leaderwill say listen, remember who
you are.
You are X, y and Z.
You're a leader in this space.
You've done this before.
God's brought you here before.
Like it's that kind of ofleadership, right, friendship,
(20:55):
leaders.
And the last thing I'll just sayis that friends provide rest
for you.
Now, listen, I have, I havefriends that are my resting
place.
All of my friends I feel like Ican rest with, and I'll use my
(21:20):
cousin Yolanda as an examplehere.
Oh gosh, so here I am callingnames, oh my goodness.
But like there's some peoplewho I am friends with, just
their presence allows me to rest.
They give me space to bewithout performance.
(21:40):
Let me just say that again,because, as leaders, we're often
performing not in a bad way.
We're performing our leadershipresponsibilities, but sometimes
we need to not be the CEO, theVP, the AVP, the minister, the
prophet or whatever yourleadership role is, the head of
(22:01):
this organization, theentrepreneur, the whatever and
just be.
It's rest, and God will allowyour friends to be that place if
you let them.
And my cousin Yolanda can cometo my house right now and just
(22:23):
enter into a room and not say aword, and I can feel her rest.
I can feel rest.
I feel the same way with Cheryl.
There are times I could justsit.
There are people you canliterally just sit with.
This is, hear me, leaders.
I am.
I'm sure I'm not telling yousomething you don't know already
and this is not meant to be acall out to my friends, it
(22:49):
really isn't.
I just I kind of went down thispath and didn't expect it,
because this is not a scriptedconversation, but what I'm
saying is ultimately, leaders,if you don't have friends, if
you don't have friendships, youare missing out on the value of
(23:14):
those friendship relationshipsthat can improve your leadership
journey.
Hear me, it can make you abetter leader.
You were not meant to leadalone.
(23:37):
So how do we cultivate thesefriendships?
Right, let's talk about what itactually takes, and I'm going
to give you three things that Ithink it takes, that I've
learned in my own personaljourney and I would love to hear
from you what you think.
But the first thing that Ithink I had to realize is that,
in order to be a friend, I haveto show myself friendly.
(23:58):
Now let me tell you something,as I am telling you this, I am
working through this when I amright now, in July of 2025, is
very different than where I wasin July of 2023.
And there are still people thatI know I am to be connected to
(24:21):
that have reached out that I'verejected and I'm correcting that
it is a behavior.
So the first thing I'll say is,in order to cultivate these
friendships, as a leader, youhave to show yourself friendly,
which means you have to beintentional.
You have to be intentional, youhave to reach out, sometimes
(24:42):
first.
You don't always wait forsomeone to get you, but you
invite them in.
This takes a level of boldnessand bravery to do.
The old me has a tendency toonly really talk to people when
(25:04):
they talk to me.
I will smile, right, whichmakes it seem as if I'm open and
I can do small talk.
I would do small talk, but Iwouldn't really go any deeper
than that, right, and so I hadto show myself friendly.
I had to push past that inorder to have these
(25:26):
relationships.
And that goes to.
The second thing is being openand willing.
Listen, you cannot buildconnection without vulnerability
.
I will say that again.
You cannot build connection andfriendship without
vulnerability vulnerability.
(25:47):
You have to be willing to letpeople see the real you, not the
you with the titleno-transcript.
And I will tell you that thisis probably the hardest part,
(26:09):
especially if you've been hurtbefore, if you felt rejected
before I grew up, I'll just saythis I grew up wanting
friendships and not really beingaccepted in friendship circles.
So I had groups of people thatI associated with, but no real
(26:32):
friends.
And so what begins to happen isyou don't show people the real
you for fear of rejection.
So, hear me, this is I'm sayingthis to you because I think
it's important but also toacknowledge that this is not
easy.
And for me, what I've had toadopt over the last three years
(26:55):
is Lord, show me who this personis supposed to be in my life.
So when I meet somebody, Ithink, oh, that person, that
leader, I would really like toget to know them better.
Who is this person to me, god,and how should I respond?
Right, you have to be willingto be vulnerable.
(27:17):
And even earlier this year, Iconnected in a group, I
connected in a mentoring groupearlier this year and around
January I think it was earlythis year or last year, end of
last year and I started to feelconnections with some of the
ladies and I tell you, I gotscared.
I'm not, I'm just going to bereal with y'all.
I got scared because I was like, oh, we are connecting, but
(27:41):
what if I'm rejected?
What if I fail at something?
What if this doesn't work outand then it's going to be all
awkward and I began to pull awayand I literally removed myself
from that group because I didn'twant to take the risk and God
had to deal with me about that.
God told me listen, I put thesepeople here for a reason and
(28:05):
you have now forfeited that fora moment Now, whether I come
back to those people, some ofthose people I'm still in
connection with.
But I'm telling you this and I'mbeing transparent because I
know it's not easy, particularlyfor women.
I don't know what it is about.
Men, men just be like, hey, howyou doing, and then all of a
(28:28):
sudden they're the best friendsthey like, got a bromance going.
Women, it's a little morecomplicated and I acknowledge
that.
But what I'm telling you is youneed it as a woman who leads.
So show yourself friendly, beopen and willing.
And the last thing I'd like toshare with you is that I'd like
you to understand thatfriendships are built over time.
(28:49):
The relationships I have didnot happen overnight.
Now there are a couple ofpeople I just clicked with
immediately.
We finished each other'ssentences.
But even with that, to go fromacquaintance to friend, meaning
I'm showing up for you, I cantell you some things that are
(29:12):
not pretty about myself, and younot judge me.
We can create safe space forone another.
It's mutually beneficial.
Like all of that, it takes timeand it's hard because we live
in this kind of fast world.
Everything is quick and we getconfused because some of us even
think that we have friendshipsbut all we have are social media
(29:32):
connections, right?
Or text message.
That is not a friendship andthat's another conversation.
I'm not going to go there, butyou have to invest time, you
have to follow up, you have tokeep showing up, because trust
is earned and deep connection isformed from consistency, right?
(29:57):
I just if I had to end thisbecause I really am trying to
keep my these episodes a littleshorter.
That was some of the feedback Igot from the first season.
But let me just say this I wantyou to know that you were not
meant to lead alone.
Jesus had friends, david hadfriends, paul had friends, so
(30:23):
why would you think that youwould have to go through it
alone?
I want you, at the end of thisepisode, to ask God to show you
who he's placed in your life forfriendship.
Maybe it's someone you alreadyknow, maybe you overlooked them.
Maybe it's someone you need toreach out to again.
(30:43):
And then here's the hard part.
Here's what I've been doinglately.
I'm telling y'all all mybusiness once again, but I've
been asking myself what kind offriend am I?
I have a group of I have twofriends from college that one of
them reaches out consistentlyand I'm usually never available.
(31:04):
What kind of friendship is that?
Me never being available?
What kind of friend is that?
I have a friend that's goingthrough something and I've tried
to be there for her and be agood friend for her, but I'm
sure I've fallen short in somecases.
Right, what kind of friend am I?
(31:26):
Ooh, ask yourself that question, because we don't want just
connections.
I believe that, leaders, god hascalled us to have some covenant
relationships, relationshipsthat stretch us, relationships
that challenge us, relationshipsthat protect us, relationships
(31:48):
that comfort us, relationshipsthat are example of God's love.
And so if you are in the placeright now, leader, where you're
like I don't have friends, noteven one, as a leader Again,
we're talking about otherleaders Are you in relationship
(32:13):
with other leaders?
If you say I can't name one,then I want you to pray and ask
God to show you who he's placedin your life.
For this reason, what may behindering you from that?
And I want you to beintentional about being open,
(32:40):
because there is a blessing infriendship Friendship.
(33:02):
Your leadership is better whenyou have other leaders that you
call friends.
And let me just say this Whileyou're praying for friends,
don't forget to be the kind offriend that you're praying for.
That's what God's been showingme, is all about me, right?
You pray for things, god, sendme a friend who understands.
(33:25):
Send me a friend who won'tjudge.
Send me a friend who gets me.
But like, are you that kind offriend to someone else?
Be the kind of friend thatyou're praying for.
So that's it, I'm done.
(33:45):
I just wanted to share with youthe power of friendship for
leaders.
I personally believe that thefriends I have, the other
leaders that I am in friendshiprelationships with, they have
proven to help me strengthen mygifts.
(34:06):
They've proven to help mestrengthen my gifts.
They've proven to help me seemyself in ways I didn't imagine,
help me change my perspectiveon how I lead, and they've been
safe spaces for me, and I, forone, am grateful for those
(34:30):
people and I am excited aboutwhat God is going to continue to
do through those friendshiprelationships and shout out to
my friends If I didn't call yourname and you know that, you
know that you, my girl I did notmean to start calling names at
all.
I did not mean to start callingnames at all.
That was not what I intended.
(34:52):
But to my friends, I love youso very much.
And to those of you who havelistened to the Grace to Lead
podcast, thank you for listening.
Thank you for continuing toshow up with me.
I've had some technicaldifficulties over the last
couple of weeks.
There's some weeks that Icouldn't put out a podcast, but
(35:17):
I thank you for listening andI'd love to hear your feedback.
Give me some feedback.
Text comment wherever you'rehearing this, let me know what
you think.
And until we meet each othernext week, remember you are
indeed graced to lead Bye-bye.
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