Dr. Lena Jackson-Lynch shares her 21-year journey in the United States Air Force and explains how military families develop exceptional adaptability skills that benefit them throughout life. Her research reveals that adolescents in military families gain unique social and emotional intelligence through constant relocation and community-building experiences.
• 21 years of Air Force service across multiple countries and bases
• Navigated single parenthood, divorce, remarriage, and blended family dynamics while serving
• Completed PhD research on how relocation affects adolescents in military families
• Found adaptability emerges as the most crucial skill military children develop
• Military communities naturally create supportive networks that mirror biblical principles
• Communication plans are essential for maintaining family connections during deployments
• Active listening requires full attention, asking open-ended questions, and noticing non-verbal cues
• Military experience provides transferable skills for family life and relationship-building
Connect with Dr. Lena Jackson-Lynch and learn more about her work in family education and professional development.
Website: www.lj2inc.com
Email: lena@lj2inc.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lj2inc/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lj2_inc/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
My name is Nicole Cater, your host, founder and
servant leader of GracevilleCommunity.
I want to thank you for tuningin to Graceville Community
Podcast.
This is a safe space, a placein which we just share stories
of how God has touchedindividuals' lives all across
the world and how they are nowimpacting the kingdom of God.
(00:21):
Thank you for tuning in.
Blessings to you, hello,welcome in today.
Our Graceville communitylisteners, we are always so
happy to have you as listeners,as viewers, plugged in to our
episodes.
Today's episode is just likeall the others.
(00:43):
I am filled with excitement,filled with joy, as we get ready
to embark on a greatconversation.
And so listen.
This conversation is one thatyou may find not to be like most
.
So I say, grab your notebooks,tune in.
I know most of you.
Hey, we're podcast listeners,we're diving into dishes and so
(01:07):
many other things.
If you need to rewind and goback, I encourage you to do so.
As always, though, I do want towelcome you to Gracefield
community, so I'm going to diveright in because I'm excited.
I want to give you all the time.
Today we have a special guest.
She is the president of LJ2.
(01:27):
Incorporated At LJ2, shecurrently manages two
departments family, educationand professional development.
She helps improve the qualityof family and workplace
relationships throughcommunication.
She offers classes, webinars,groups and events, both
conventional and Christian.
(01:50):
Dr Jackson Lynch has over 24years of experience in education
, training, professionaldevelopment and coaching.
She is a military veteran,having served 21 years in the
United States Air Force.
She worked in the federalgovernment for 19 years.
Attended Stillman College,graduating with a Bachelor's of
(02:12):
Business in Administrationdegree.
Attended Oklahoma University,graduating with a dual master's
degree in adult education andhuman relations, as she
graduated from Texas Women'sUniversity, respectively
receiving her PhD in humandevelopment and family studies.
Dr Lena Jackson Lynch is acertified family life educator,
(02:38):
a prepare-enriched facilitator,host of the Just Talking with Dr
Lena podcast and a family lifecoach.
Author of Listen Up, acollaboration book for teens,
and written articles, numerousarticles for journals.
She is involved in a nonprofitorganization and a member of
(02:59):
Westside Baptist Church inLouisville, texas.
She loves traveling, speakingmy language, spending time with
family and friends.
So, graceville community, I'mgoing to ask you to join me in
giving our warm welcome to DrLena Jackson Lynch.
Hey.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
Dr Lena.
Hey, how are y'all?
Glad you're here.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Yeah.
So I'm so glad to have you onour podcast today and to really
just give us insight.
I mean, just reading your biothere and going through it, I
already know, because we've hadconversation, the wealth of
knowledge that you have.
I'm excited for our listenersto tune in and to really tap
into all that wisdom and insightthat you're going to bring
forward today.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
I am too.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Yes, so I just want to start off with, first of all.
I mean you've done quite a bitof time of service for our
country, so first let me justsay thank you.
21 years in the United StatesAir Force.
Can you just take a moment anddescribe like what was military
life for you?
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Yes, I'm excited about my military life and glad
to share it.
I served from 1981 to 2002 andloved every minute, from basic
training to retirement.
I loved traveling in themilitary and wherever I was
stationed I always felt safe andsecure overseas and stateside.
(04:29):
After basic training, I wassent to Biloxi, mississippi, to
study for my first jobadministrative specialist.
While there, I married acivilian and was sent to
Whiteman Air Force Base, home ofthe Stealth Bomber, now known
as the Spirit Bomber.
And from Missouri, I appliedfor a special administrative
(04:53):
duty and was sent to Detachment835 Air Force ROTC at University
of North Texas in Denton, texasof North Texas in Denton, texas
.
During my time there, both mykids were born four years apart
at what was then called CarswellAir Force Base, fort Worth,
(05:14):
texas.
Carswell is now known as NavalAir Station Joint Reserve Base
in Fort Worth, texas.
Now, managing work, daycare,sickness, birthday, school,
school holidays, church and moretook up much of my time.
(05:36):
So shortly after the birth ofmy second child, I divorced and
was sent to Spangalum Air Base,germany, and continued my career
.
In addition to working, childcare, sickness, school, birthday
parties, school holidays,church and more, my kids and I
had a wonderful time in Germany.
(05:57):
Of course there were hardshipsbeing a single mom, with
schedule juggling, beingavailable for homework, wanting
to keep the house clean, which Iknow is.
Many moms thought we want ourhouse clean but we don't have
the time.
Our life is so busy.
(06:19):
It was impossible with youngkids and other family issues.
We were able to live off basebecause I wanted my kids to
experience having German friendsand neighbors.
We were also able to live inbase housing.
As time passed, I remarriedwhile in Germany and learned.
Having a blended family alsohad some issues, but all in all
(06:45):
we took the good with the badand made it work.
We traveled Europe as much aswe could, going to Spain,
iceland, france, greece, italy,luxembourg and other places I
can't even remember.
While in Germany I was sentstateside for various courses
(07:06):
and had a temporary duty inTurkey.
After being stationed in Germany, I was sent to Hill Air Force
Base, utah, and throughout mymilitary career I not only
changed bases but changed jobs,from administrative specialist
to administrative technician toprofessional instructor to
(07:28):
deputy inspector general and afew others I don't remember
Through it all.
I started out single, thenmarried, then divorced, then
became a single mom.
Then I remarried into a blendedfamily.
I divorced again and I caredfor a foster child.
(07:49):
I then retired.
There were obstacles during mytime in the military.
However, I made the best of itand I also enjoyed my time as an
active duty member.
Through it all, prayer helpedme maintain my sanity and be
(08:09):
ready for the next obstaclesthat came my way.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
Man, that is so much enrichment in there.
I mean there's a whole lot tobe said.
I mean from blended family tomarriage, to divorce.
I'm sure the healing that wentthrough that.
I mean fostering.
There is so much to be said,and I mean the main thing that I
just picked up on throughoutall of it is just what it may
(08:35):
have been like to be a militaryfamily, through your travels and
through even youraccomplishments.
And so one of the questions Iwould want to ask you is like,
tell us a little bit about, likethe behind the scenes of
military families.
I know there used to be thisshow called Army Wise that I
(08:55):
absolutely love, but of courseit's Hollywood, so who knows how
realistic it probably was.
So, like I would love to hearfrom you Tell us just some about
military family like behind thescenes.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Okay, I have not heard of Army Wife.
I don't think I ever watchedthat show, but I agree with you,
it is Hollywood.
It might not be exactly correct.
My life is different thananybody else's life.
You ask another military member, they may have different
(09:31):
experiences than I did.
So who knows, the Army showmight have been spot on.
But me, being Air Force, I knownothing about Army.
The only thing I know is thatwe work well together, all the
branches of the service.
To my knowledge, we need all ofthem to secure the United
(09:53):
States, and that's what I likeabout being a part of the
military.
There's so many differentbranches and we all do such a
good job.
So let me tell you a little bitabout what I went through as a
military member with the family.
Now, although I was active dutymilitary over 20 years ago, now
(10:19):
that I was in the military for21 years the military for 21
years 20 years ago I got out ofthe military.
I retired.
So, even though it was manyyears ago, looking at the
military now, I experienced someof the same issues as families
(10:42):
and active duty membersexperience today.
Now I spent time away from myfamily.
I miss birthdays and otherspecial events.
One good thing about young kidsis that they are forgiving okay.
My spouse had difficultygetting a job at times.
(11:03):
Although it seemed easysometimes to get jobs in his
field, it may not have been onewhere we were when we got to
that particular base, so we hadto wait for a job to come open
for him to get one.
Now.
My children's educationmattered a lot to me and I did
(11:25):
the best I could to ensure theyreceived a good education.
While in Germany, my kids wereable to be in a German daycare
and they learned the Germanlanguage because during the day
the teachers only spoke Germanand when they came home they
spoke German and I had to go tothe school and say I don't
(11:47):
understand a thing they'resaying.
Oh my goodness.
But those were good times.
We didn't keep it up, and sothey lost much of what they
learned.
Going through divorces andmoving, I often felt my family
was unstable.
(12:08):
Although hard, those times mademe stronger and, of course,
having prayer always made mestronger.
I made friends easily enough Mein my unit and my kids in their
school.
That is what kept us going.
I remember teaching my kids howto start a conversation with a
(12:33):
new child, which helped themwhen meeting someone.
New.
Kids need to know how to talkto other kids and parents are
the ones who teach them how todo that.
As I look back, I felt I hadsome control of my career, but
not really.
I spent much time inadministration.
(12:55):
I would have liked to havegotten into contracting.
That opportunity never came myway.
Opportunity never came my way,although that didn't stop me
from moving from my career toanother career.
I got opportunities to do that.
It just wasn't quite the way Iwanted it to be.
(13:17):
Now I'm thankful that I becamea deputy inspector general.
I became a professionalinstructor, so some of the
avenues I took I really enjoyed.
Now, those were veryinteresting jobs and I got to be
(13:37):
in the Air Force ROTCdetachment at UNT.
That was the best job of allbecause I was able to work with
young people and help them alongthe way, help them get ready
for the military.
There were some difficulties inrelocating.
(13:58):
I mean, every time you go to anew base the base is much the
same, but there are things yougo through to get settled.
So for the most part I was sentto bases I had on my dream
sheet and, I'm sure militarypeople listening know exactly
(14:18):
what a dream sheet is.
For those who are not military,it is a list of bases that we
all got to choose.
Each military member could fillout the form and say, oh, I
want to go to I can't evenremember all the bases, but
maybe they want to go toCalifornia or they want to go to
Hawaii, or they want to gowherever in the United States or
(14:42):
overseas.
They may want to go to Germanyor Iceland or wherever.
We put those on a list and wehave five.
So one of those five.
You hope that you get thatparticular base and for me I
(15:02):
normally got one of them.
It might have been my last one,it wasn't my top choice, but I
got to go to the bases that weremainly on my list.
Now in today's world, I'm notsure how that happens, but for
me it worked out really well.
I understood I would be sent toplaces where my job was needed
(15:25):
and that was the whole thingabout going to a particular base
.
Because some people were theirjob was not needed in the list
on their dream sheet, so theyhad to go to the base where
their job, where there was anopening for that particular job,
that skill that they had.
(15:47):
So sometimes I should say somethings were out of my control
and I had to understand that I'ma military member.
I raised my right hand toprotect and defend.
So as things occur, I'm readyto go wherever they sent me Now.
(16:12):
The operations tempo, or the optempo, played a big role in my
military life and family.
My daily workload was high.
I worked hard.
I learned quickly that doingmore with less was expected Not
enough people, not enoughequipment, not enough money, etc
(16:33):
.
But we still had to make thingswork.
My pay was lower than civiliansin the same job, oh yes, but
the benefits of being in themilitary for me outweighed the
downfalls.
I received money for housing,for utilities, for education,
and my medical, dental andoptical were taken care of.
(16:57):
That was more than I had beforeI joined.
The VA is also available nowthat I'm outside the military.
I felt my quality of life wasreally good in the military.
Every base I was sent to was setup much like a city.
(17:18):
There is a fire department,there is security police, there
is schools, there's libraries,there's churches, there's
education offices, there'sswimming pools, there's
recreation centers and more.
The base has a lot to offer, ofcourse base housing and
dormitories.
(17:39):
It was all there.
There's shopping, there's acommissary, there's the BX.
All the bases are set to me andthey were ready to go.
So me and my family enjoyed itall.
For me there was some socialisolation, but I knew that.
(18:03):
The base, I should say I knewwhat the base offered and I took
advantage of it.
Even off base.
I remember not having my mom,my dad, my brothers, my sisters
or my friends because I had leftthem behind.
Now some of the militarymembers in my unit became uncles
and aunts for my kids and Ibecame an aunt for theirs.
Now, mental health is always aconcern.
(18:27):
I wondered about my own as wellas my kids.
I know, I know and this is kindof teary, I know my kids miss
their friends.
I know that when we relocated.
(18:50):
So I did my best so that mykids and I had everything we
could have as far as themilitary was concerned and I
believe my kids turned out okay.
Many kids had the same issuesthat my kids did and they may
(19:15):
have had more, but in the longrun the military was a wonderful
place to be.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
Wow, I mean I'm listening to you and there's so
much is coming to mind.
I mean I'm just going to startfrom, like, the last thing you
said.
It kind of worked up, but hencewe're a Graceville community.
We find that we know thatcommunity is so important, right
, like engaging in community,having a space where you have
trust and understanding between,like individuals, and whether
(19:51):
that's military community,whether that's a community of
people that you've connectedwith through a church, whether
it's a community of people thatyou connected with in the
workplace, like it is importantfor us to have community.
I mean studies and researcheven show us, tell us, what
isolation does to our body.
We were not designed to do lifealone, and so I want to commend
(20:15):
you, not that you know you needmy command, but I want to
commend you in the sense of likeeven recognizing the importance
of that for your family whilebeing in military I know so many
people, whether you're inmilitary or not, for our
listeners like we have timeswhere you know we're going to
talk about family next, buttimes where maybe even the blood
component of your family is nota healthy space and not a
(20:37):
healthy relationship, and so youhave to find community and
almost like develop familyoutside.
I'm very much like you, dr Lena.
There are people that my kidscall aunt and uncle, that have
no blood relation but have beenthe connection you know we hear
the term like more of like afamily right, but they have been
(20:58):
that connection, that have beenthat community.
They're the space where trustwas built, they improved their
morale.
They are the village that hashelped, built, they improved
their morale.
They are the village that hashelped me, you know, continue
forward.
And so I love how you bring outthat aspect of how important
community is.
And even when I think about,like the military as a whole,
you know, I think about thereferences that we see of the
(21:22):
apostle Paul, and so many timeshe referenced military because
obviously coming from Romannature and Roman soldiers and so
forth.
But I mean, if I think about it,I could just start listening
out where, like in Philippians,paul talks about being fellow
soldiers.
In Timothy he talks about thesoldiers and describe us having
courage and loyalty anddedication, as you would in a
(21:45):
military force, in soldiers.
Like in Romans, I mean,obviously he talks about warring
of the mind, as you would inmilitary right, you know,
corinthians.
He talks about the victoriousaspects of being in the army,
and so I want to say I value youcoming on today because there's
so much insight that militarygives.
That also coordinates with whatwe are taught in the sense of
(22:09):
the New Testament, biblicallyeven, from Paul and the relation
to military, and so I thinkthat in both sense, like it's
valued when you are army of God,right like and army, literally
an air force and naval and allthe forces that serve to keep us
(22:30):
safe in a country right andfight for the safe, and that's
the same aspect of the army ofGod and that's why I think the
military references it's notnothing's by coincidence, but
that definitely is not bycoincidence, I agree.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
I do.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
Yes, okay.
So because of all your wisdomand expertise and the knowledge
that you gained over the years,and the education for sure, I do
want to lead in to talking alittle bit about family.
As I just mentioned, I've hadmy own bouts of family dynamics
and learning that that phraseblood is thicker than water is
(23:09):
not necessarily the correctionof the face.
Like the phrase could bechanged some yes, yes.
And so, knowing that you kindof have this education
background in human developmentand family studies, I'm
interested to hear more about,like your research area, what
(23:32):
first of all even led you towant to get a PhD in that area,
and then more about, like theresearch and the things that you
found while you were studyingsuch such.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Okay, as I approached retirement, I knew I needed
something else.
At least I felt I neededsomething else, although looking
back, I did not need anythingelse, but I felt I did.
Approaching retirement, so Ilooked at what was available and
it appeared family, humandevelopment and family studies
(24:15):
kept calling my name because itdid relate to families.
I had military families, I hada blended family, I had a
divorced family I had.
I went through the gamut of thefamilies.
So I'm like you know it mightnot be bad to learn more about
families and that is why I choseit.
And I knew I didn't want tojust not do anything once I
(24:41):
retired.
I still wanted to give back, Istill wanted to help people.
I've been in a helping careermost of my life and so even now
I am still helping as much as Ican in every way that I can.
So my research area actuallystems from my kids.
(25:06):
I did my dissertation on therelocation and how it affects
adolescence because at the timenow throughout they were born in
the military.
But as they got older theybecame adolescents and that time
(25:31):
in a child's life is difficult,with puberty and making friends
and leaving friends and takingon some responsibility.
That's a difficult time to bean adolescent and in the
military you know some branchesthey actually move every two
(25:54):
years.
Luckily for me, I didn't haveto move every two years, but we
still moved and I knew thatcoming in, I knew we would move
from or find out.
How did relocations affecttheir adolescents?
(26:27):
Now, I could have done mydissertation on any other age
range for kids, but I found theadolescent age to be most
interesting as far as thechanges I saw in them, or the
changes I noticed.
So, as I continued my researchand found participants who who
(26:52):
would help me with the questionsthat I had available to ask
them, through those questionsand the various research that I
was led to do, I learned thatbeing adaptable the kids, being
(27:38):
adaptable the kids there wereseveral social skills that the
kids showed as they aboutadaptability was higher than any
of the other social skillsneeded to be adaptable in their
future life, not only in theiradolescent life.
(28:01):
As they move from base to base,they've got to adapt to what's
happening around them, what'shappening in school, what's
happening on the playground,what's happening while you're in
church, what activities, whatministries you're involved in.
It may not be the same as itwas at the previous base and the
(28:26):
kids have to adapt.
The military kids adapt muchmore, I believe, than civilian
kids, because of the movement,because of the relocating.
Now, civilian families relocate, of course, they get a new job
and you got to move from Texasto Chicago.
(28:48):
You got to take your wholefamily with you as a civilian,
but civilians, I believe, don'tmove as much as a military
family.
So because we move so much andbecause the military member is
absent many times, because theyhave to go to deployments
(29:09):
without the family, then the,the, the, the adolescent not
having that family member, thatit may be the dad, it may be the
mom, whoever is not there, andso that adolescent is missing
that time of building thoserelationships with that parent
(29:32):
because of the duty that theyare assigned to, of the duty
that they are assigned to, andthey need to adapt to that.
As a matter of fact, it's justas I was talking to the parents
and getting more information anddiving into that research.
I didn't know before I started,but I began to agree with being
(29:55):
adaptable is the number oneskill, or social skill needed in
our adolescence.
So that's basically what myresearch area was about.
Speaker 1 (30:09):
Yeah, so you know, I want to make sure that our
listeners know exactly, becauseI tend to assume and I had to I
was like wait, adolescence, whatage is adolescence like?
Speaker 2 (30:21):
okay, all right, adolescence begin.
Well, there we now.
Maybe I would have I shouldhave looked it up before I came
but they are actually teens,teenagers.
So you can say 12 years old, 12is not a teen.
(30:42):
You know, like nine to 12 wouldbe preteen and then 13 to 19
really would be an adolescent.
Now I would stop it at 18,because normally, you know,
19-year-olds may be out of thehouse, they may have graduated
(31:06):
and gone to their life, butnowadays many kids are staying
at home, they don't leave home.
So it just depends on what theydecide to do with their life.
But as far as the age range,it's a teenager, that is an
adolescent.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
Hey let's take a quick break to tell you about
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(31:44):
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(32:32):
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(33:13):
Welcome back Consulting,welcome back.
So, when we were, as we werejust discussing, and you were
talking about adolescent andbeing adaptable, when I think
about like enlisters those ofyou that listen we got two
different scales right.
Some of you are like, okay, yes, I love this.
(33:35):
What does the Bible say aboutthis?
And some of you are like I haveno clue.
I've never even heard the wordadolescence before, right?
And so I want to make sure thatwe give context to both.
Right?
When I think about adaptability,the first thing that comes to
mind is 1 Corinthians 9, and itstarts at verse 19 and goes
(33:56):
through verse 23.
But essentially, I'm going toread the most popular verse from
that passage, and it's Paul.
And he says for, though I befree from all men, yet I made
myself a servant unto all that Imay gain more, and unto the
Jews I became a Jew.
That is a biblical confirmationof adaptability.
(34:17):
Right, paul made himself aslave to everyone.
He limited his own rights, hisown freedoms, in order to
connect with others.
Now, he did it in in minds ofwanting to be able to be a
witness right so that he couldconnect with all things and be
all things to all people so thathe could win them to the faith
of Christ.
That's a form of adaptabilityall things and be all things to
(34:39):
all people so that he could winthem to the faith of Christ.
That's a form of adaptability Ithink about.
How often is it?
You know you can go into oneroom and we use the term.
Now at least my three teenshave taught me like read the
room.
Mom and I read the room, like,but essentially what they're
saying is like pay attention toyour surroundings and be ready
to not conform because we don'tconform to the world Right, but
(35:01):
be aware and have self-awarenessof how your actions are
impacting others and how youractions are even impacting
yourself.
Part of being emotionallyhealthy is being self-aware,
knowing the things that, eventhe things that maybe are the
things of my struggle, thethings are my weakness.
Paul also talks about beingaware of your weakness so that
Christ can bring that strengthin for you.
(35:23):
We have to know, we have to beself-aware.
So when I'm reading the room, Ineed to be aware what is this
room like, what is the style ofcommunication like, what is the
culture like?
I imagine you traveling inmilitary.
There's various things that oneculture values and another
culture does not.
There are things that areoffensive to certain cultures
(35:44):
that may not be offensive toanother and so, even in the
sense of as we navigate life,that is a key component to be
developed and trained, and Ilove how you talked about how
important it is in militaryfamilies for, during that stage
of adolescence, for them tobecome adaptable and I think it
continues to families, militaryand non-military.
(36:07):
It's a skillset that we need inlife to be able to adapt and
and be aware.
Quote unquote.
Read the room to ourenvironment, right?
Yes, exactly.
Be aware.
Quote unquote.
Read the room to ourenvironment, right?
Yes, exactly I know I'm alwayslike read the room, what are
they talking, but I learnedy'all.
I'm learning.
These teens are teaching me.
Speaker 2 (36:30):
No good, good good.
It's funny how it reverses life.
Life reverses in a family, thekids.
You know the phases of life,from birth to death, and through
those phases, you know, the momand dad begin taking care of
(36:53):
the child, begin taking care ofthe child and as the child grows
, through uh child ofadolescence to a young adult, to
adult, to a older adult, andthen uh, throughout that, the
child, the, the parent is therefor the child.
(37:15):
But as the parent begins to ageand being a senior adult, start
out taking care of the child.
But as the parents get older,the child begins to take care of
(37:41):
the, the parent.
It's a wonderful thing.
Uh, the phase of life, phasesof life yes, yes, oh, the design
, it is great.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
It is great, I um.
So we talked about some familyeducation, we talked about some
military lifestyle living and,and I'm like y'all, we could
take this podcast on forever,because we're not even getting
to deep dive, we're just kind oftouching the surface.
Right, we were preparing and Iwas just considering, like the
things that we would talk abouttoday.
I just thought about the levelsthat communication has to
(38:26):
extend when you're in a militaryfamily.
I mean, I, in my sense, I knowof a couple now that there was a
conversation of how do you haverelationship with the children
and the, the.
They are a married couple andthe husband is now away, he's
deployed, and so she's left withthese kids and he's like I want
my kids to know me when Ireturn two, three years.
(38:47):
How do you even maintaincommunication in that sense?
How do you maintaincommunication in your
relationship?
I think about communicationwith extended family.
I mean so many ways, and so Ijust I know we don't have a lot
of time, but I would like to getyour insight on just tips that
you may have or thoughts when itcomes to communication for
military families that probablywill lead into just the skills
(39:10):
and communications for us all.
Speaker 2 (39:13):
Oh, okay, as you were making that statement, I
flashed back and looked at howsome of the things that we did
to stay in contact was donewhile I was in the military.
While I was in the military Now, while I was in, while I was
(39:39):
deployed and my kids were notthere, the military at that time
and I hope they still do it had.
They were like little walkietalkie things.
Now I could be describing themdifferently than what they are
today, but we all, everyone whowanted to make a call home,
(40:02):
there was a certain time and myfamily knew when and they I
would go into the little areawhere you can speak with your
family and it was.
It looked like a little walkietalkie thing and they would say
press the button and then speak,and then you gotta wait and let
your family speak back to you.
(40:25):
It was really a long um pausein between waiting for them to
hear me, which is what wesometimes see on on newscasts or
reporters.
They, they talk and you're likewhy is that other person over
there in, in wherever they are,uh, uh, hamas or afghanistan why
(40:46):
are they not talking?
Because it takes that long forthe, the voice, to get over
there where they are and forthem to hear it.
And so I was going through thesame thing that I see on TV
sometimes, when the reporter iswaiting for the other reporter
to say something, they're nottalking.
I'm like that's what I wentthrough.
So my kids got a chance to hearme way in Germany and they were
(41:11):
back in the States at times andor way in wherever I was.
I won't say where I was, um,and they were in in Germany or
they were in the states, butthat that little technique thing
was a way to keep the familytogether.
Now I can't say what they donow.
I don't know if that's whatthey do, but that was one uh
(41:36):
thing I I felt was was really,really good for them to hear me.
They wanted to hear my voiceand I wanted to hear theirs, so
it was a real good time just togo through that.
Now I do remember also familyadvocacy.
I'm not sure if that stillexists on the base.
(41:58):
It may have another name, butthere were little classes and
programs we went through they inone of the classes they gave
already pre-made letters andthey were like they had some
information on and the child gotto write in, fill in the blank,
and so it was already, you know, kind of ready to go.
(42:21):
They just write a little bit onthere with the help of an adult
, they put in the envelope andit was sent to me.
Then I would write back to themon the other side.
That was an interesting littleactivity.
They wrote on one side and Iwrote on the other side, or they
colored on one side and I wouldreply in some way on the other
(42:45):
side.
Now, that was just a couple ofthings that the family advocacy
came up with for us.
I know that through.
Another thing we did was tohave a communication plan, and
that is for that actually wasthe best.
(43:07):
Where the spouses work out,we'll talk on what day, or you
know, I don't know how thetexting and the calling.
I'm not there.
In some top secret areas youjust can't do a lot of things.
But it has to be planned.
So you have a communicationplan what day can we talk?
(43:30):
And, as I was saying, they madearrangements for us to talk on
this little walkie talkie thingto your family.
But you got to, you got toarrange it, you know, you got to
find out how do I go there,what, what time is available?
And with the plan, everybody isready.
The kids are there, the spousesare over issues.
(43:51):
You know is a happy time.
It's not to settle argumentsduring this time that I'm
explaining.
There may be times when youcould talk with the individual
with the kids not there.
(44:12):
So it's all in planning.
One call could be the kids arethere, the next call the spouses
speak together, only with thekids not being there.
I felt that the plan, once yousit down and think about it,
(44:34):
helps you manage your time,because when the spouse is away,
there are issues.
There are the grass needscutting, who's going to cut the
grass?
Nobody's here to cut the grass.
You got to plan some thingsbefore you go.
You work with your neighbor oryou're, and if you're on the
(44:54):
base it's easier.
If you're in base housing, youand your neighbors get together
and you all work out All right.
This week I got the grass forthe Jacksons.
Next week I know what else canI do to help the Jacksons have
small kids and they even got ababy.
How can we come together andhelp them?
(45:16):
I know the community on basealso helps each other and if
you're living off base theywould probably do the same thing
in the unit.
When someone is leaving and theyknow they have a family, the
unit members get together backthen.
(45:37):
The unit members get togetherback then.
(46:04):
I hope they still do that andthey recognize whoever has small
kids in the family.
While the military member isaway, somebody could pick up
groceries one time or someonecould just come by and take the
kids to the park.
The park is right there on the.
I mean the playground.
I'm saying park, there'splaygrounds all through the base
.
So you know you just help outwhere you can help out, and
(46:24):
starting the conversation is thefirst part.
Talk to each other before youleave.
Sometimes it's quick, you don'thave time to talk.
You know it's like we got, likeI'm leaving tomorrow.
Oh, what do?
Speaker 1 (46:40):
we need to do?
Speaker 2 (46:41):
What do we need in place?
We got to get things in place.
You have those things in placebefore that call comes.
You talk about how we're goingto handle this before the orders
come down, and you got to geton that plane tonight or in the
morning.
You don't have time to doanything.
You got to have it in place.
You have a communication plan.
(47:02):
Here is how we will communicate.
So I hope those were some ideasthat were helpful and you
understood enough to grab alittle bit out of it and help
you while you're in the militaryand help you while you're in
the military.
Speaker 1 (47:17):
Yeah, you know, as you're giving those insights for
military, of course, I'm acivilian, non-military I'm
thinking some of these tips.
I'm like, oh my goodness,because, without even knowing it
, I'm like that's what we do inour home.
We have a communication plan,right, like we have a set day of
the week that we know thefamily's going to come together
(47:38):
and discuss what needs to bediscussed, because there's a
reality, is something's going tocome up, right, like we're not
in a perfect world, sosomething's going to come up.
Decisions are have to be made,communication about rough spaces
or even great celebrations,like we want to have a space to
communicate that and just theintentionality behind it.
I'm like that's a communicationplan, like that's kind of what
(47:59):
we're doing.
Or even communication of likeyou know, in my case, like
Isaiah and I deciding hey, youknow, saturday mornings we take
an hour to just touch bases.
How is everything for the week?
What is the plans with the kids?
How is this kid doing?
What do we need to do with this?
Like that is essentially acommunication plan.
So I actually want to encourageour listeners, like a military,
(48:19):
non-military, think about yourcommunication plans.
I think even in friendships Ihave a friend that I've been
very communicative with hey inthe scope of our world right now
, at least every other week, weneed to get together, we need to
make a standing date that weknow hey, we're gonna.
I don't care if we just meet ata park and sit and talk to each
(48:40):
other and catch up then, but weneed to have this plan in place
because you'll find that timegoes by and you haven't
communicated, and so that's oneof the.
I mean, that is an amazing tipjust in life and relationships
all together.
So thank you for that.
Speaker 2 (48:56):
You're welcome.
Speaker 1 (48:59):
Another you know aspect you brought about.
You talked about militarycommunity and again, obviously,
community is near and dear to myheart, and so when you were
talking about how like hey, youknow the Jacksons, I may cut the
grass or they have a smallchild it just prompted me to
look up, like what is the actualdefinition of community?
(49:19):
Right, because I think we saythe word and especially around
here we say the word so often Imean it's the name of what we do
.
So when I went to thedefinition, one meant a group of
people living in the same placeor having a particular
characteristic in common, andI'm like that is that really is
the epitome of community.
(49:40):
Whether you're living in thesame place or sharing the same
experience, you have acharacteristic that's in common,
that you're relating to.
I mean that's why we're notgoing to go all the way down the
scope, but like that's whytrauma bonds occur, because you
(50:01):
are in the same circumstance andyou're bonding together through
this circumstance.
I mean, I think about even how,as women, we can get together in
a space of women andimmediately, if somebody just
talks about a kid or achildbirth, you're like they're
best of best friends, they'dhave figured out like, hey, I
did this together, I did this.
Yeah, this is what I did withthe kid.
It's this sharing bond fromsomething that you have both
(50:29):
experienced and so you know Itend to lean back to.
I mean, in all of this I'm like, oh, like man acts, they were
on something.
And so when I think about likethe community, even biblically,
like when you think about Actsand where the early Christians
and the early church wasdeveloped, there was five
(50:49):
sources of community that wehold true to here in Graceville
community, and one was sharingof resources.
So, as you was expressing, I'mlike cutting somebody's grass,
you're taking your lawnmower,your time and saying, hey, I'm
going to share my resource tohelp you with your need.
Right, there was sharing afinancial aid.
Again, it's a resource.
They pause to use theirresource.
I mean, if you use a lawnmower,that's gas, that's electricity.
Right, there was some type offinancial component that was
(51:11):
being shared.
You know prayer andencouragement.
I mean the acts that you'redoing, the encouraging words.
I imagine as military families,there were times that you're
missing this individual andhaving that community around you
that can encourage you.
You know, the other ways thatwe've seen it in acts was
hospitality, having people over,opening up their homes,
(51:32):
engaging with people, givingthem the welcoming space.
I imagine military, militaryfamily there's, like you
mentioned, birthday parties,right, like establishing
community with those that are inthat like characteristic, and
then, of course, just theguidance, right.
So in acts of a spiritualguidance, you know, in military
style, it may have been theguidance of like, hey, I've been
through having a spousedeployed or I've been through
(51:55):
being away from my kids, let meencourage you, let me give you
some guidance, let me give yousome tools and tips, like you're
doing today.
And so I look at that, I'm likeit really is and I want to
thank you again because yourinsight today even maybe
understand what I see in thebond when you see people that
have served in military and thebond that they carry and the um,
(52:17):
you know relationships, youhear the term like brotherhood
and all these terms and itreally gave me insight to what
that bond is and where that bondcomes from.
Um and so thank you, thank youso much for sharing today with
us.
Speaker 2 (52:33):
You're welcome.
I was glad to be here, thankyou.
Speaker 1 (52:42):
It is definitely my pillager.
I mean I I say it all the time,like we do these podcast
recordings and I'm like this wasfor me, like I'm gaining so
much in this and so I reallywant to just again I send you my
gratitude for trusting a spaceand coming on here and sharing
of your experience.
I know I need to let you go,but before I let you go, just
one last question is formilitary couples.
(53:06):
You talked about being divorced, having a blended family, being
married of course, and Iimagine it's the worst, even
living the life of a singleindividual in the military Like.
What final remarks would yougive, as you're like peace to
(53:26):
give out to military couples?
Speaker 2 (53:30):
Well, over the years I have learned that
communication is the key tobonding, to connecting, to
building relationships and incommunication.
Just remember, there is aspeaker when I am speaking right
now.
(53:50):
Nicole is listening, so she isthe listener, so one of you is
speaking.
When that person is speaking,listen.
You don't talk, you listen,listen.
And listening is reallyactively.
(54:17):
It is not just sitting therewith your arms crossed waiting
for them to finish theirthoughts so you can say
something.
It is actually nodding andagreeing or disagreeing.
It is asking questions.
The listener hasresponsibilities and the speaker
(54:42):
has responsibilities.
Along the way, before I actuallyunderstood communication, I
mean, there's so many kinds ofcommunication nonverbal You've
got to look for the non-verbals.
They're telling you somethingand you're talking so much you
can't even see that the personmay be crying, like I was
(55:04):
earlier, and you're talking, youdon't even notice.
You in that conversation arenot communicating if you're not
actually watching, observing theother person.
So I will stop there and justsay communication is the most
(55:26):
important thing that you can dofor your partner.
Give them your full attention.
Ask good questions, notclosed-ended questions, not the
ones that say how are you today?
I'm okay, and they don't sayanything else.
You've got to ask an open-endedquestion that begins with what,
(55:51):
what did you do today, how wasyour day and how?
We'll also get an oh, it wasokay, and then stop talking.
You've got to find ways to keepthem talking, to build that
relationship, and it will makeyour communication a whole lot
better when you can give thatattention that the other person
(56:12):
needs.
Speaker 1 (56:13):
Yes, yes, oh, that's so good.
That is so good.
I mean even, as you say I wasjust thinking of, like active
listening.
When we we do marriage biblicalcounseling, we have an active
listening guide like lean intothe questions.
You know, there is thecomponent which I laughed and
I'm like it's the hardest part,when we tell them you have to
(56:35):
listen and you can't sayanything and you're not there to
give a response.
You're there to ask questions,to understand and then just say
thank you for sharing.
And I mean couples struggle thefirst two weeks.
This is the hardest thing, butI get it because, you know,
often as we are havingcommunication, we are already
(56:58):
trying to figure out ourresponse and nine times out of
10 is more of a defensive orexplanatory response versus a
response of I heard you, Isupport you.
I may not agree with you, but Isupport you, I can hear you, I
can validate your emotionswithout agreeing with them.
(57:21):
Right, that's right, that'sright.
Oh, my goodness, so muchgoodness.
Well, I have truly, trulyenjoyed this time together.
Thank you again from the bottomof my heart for taking time out
of your incredibly busyschedule.
You guys heard her bio and soeven before we started.
She was talking about thedifferent sessions and the
classes and things I'm like.
(57:42):
Whew, thank you for your hour.
So thank you, dr Alita, fortaking time and joining us on
the podcast.
I do want to make sure ourlisteners know how can they make
sure to stay in contact withyou, find out classes or
sessions or resources.
Speaker 2 (58:00):
What is the best way to be connected to you?
I would say the best way is onmy website.
It is wwwlj2inccom, orInstagram at lj2inccom, and I'll
thank anyone who comes to joinme in any session.
Speaker 1 (58:29):
Oh, yes, well, you guys heard it.
You can plug in through websiteInstagram.
All of her links that we canpossibly find her are below in
the show notes, so you can alsocheck out the show notes to find
out how you can stay connectedto the resources and the wealth
of wisdom and knowledge that DrLena lends our way.
Listeners, I want to thank youfor tuning in, viewing in Once
again, as always, if you areseeking community, we want to be
(58:52):
of service to you.
I encourage you to email growat gracefieldcommunitycom if
you're seeking community nearyou.
We have partners globally thatwe trust and know will be a safe
space for you to buildcommunity around.
You are not meant to do lifealone and we don't want to do
life without you, so grow atgracefieldcommunitycom.
(59:13):
Thanks again for tuning in.
May the Lord be with you.
Thank you for tuning in totoday's episode of Graceville
community podcast.
We would like to invite you tovisit graceville communitycom.
Graceville community is allabout doing church the way
church of acts did, using fivemain principles that we see in
(59:36):
the book of Acts.
Sharing resources, as believerspooled their possessions and
resources to support those inneed, as we see in Acts 2.44.
Through hospitality the earlyChristians practiced hospitality
(01:00:00):
by opening their homes toothers, as we see in Acts 2 and
46.
By financial aid the church inAntioch sent financial aid to
believers in Judea during a timeof famine, as described in Acts
11 and 29.
Prayer and encouragement theysupported each other through
prayer and encouragement, as wesee in Acts 4 and 24.
(01:00:20):
And finally, spiritual guidancethe apostles and elders
provided spiritual guidance andteaching to help strengthen and
build the community, as we seein Acts 1530.
1530.
(01:00:41):
I would like to encourage you.
If any of those areas are areasin which you are in need or can
contribute, please reach out toGraceville Community.
We are working together acrossthe world with ministries and
individuals alike to help bringback the church of Acts.
My name is Nicole Cater, your host, founder and
servant leader of GracevilleCommunity.
I want to thank you for tuningin to Graceville Community
Podcast.
This is a safe space, a placein which we just share stories
of how God has touchedindividuals' lives all across
the world and how they are nowimpacting the kingdom of God.
(00:21):
Thank you for tuning in.
Blessings to you, hello,welcome in today.
Our Graceville communitylisteners, we are always so
happy to have you as listeners,as viewers, plugged in to our
episodes.
Today's episode is just likeall the others.
(00:43):
I am filled with excitement,filled with joy, as we get ready
to embark on a greatconversation.
And so listen.
This conversation is one thatyou may find not to be like most
.
So I say, grab your notebooks,tune in.
I know most of you.
Hey, we're podcast listeners,we're diving into dishes and so
(01:07):
many other things.
If you need to rewind and goback, I encourage you to do so.
As always, though, I do want towelcome you to Gracefield
community, so I'm going to diveright in because I'm excited.
I want to give you all the time.
Today we have a special guest.
She is the president of LJ2.
(01:27):
Incorporated At LJ2, shecurrently manages two
departments family, educationand professional development.
She helps improve the qualityof family and workplace
relationships throughcommunication.
She offers classes, webinars,groups and events, both
conventional and Christian.
(01:50):
Dr Jackson Lynch has over 24years of experience in education
, training, professionaldevelopment and coaching.
She is a military veteran,having served 21 years in the
United States Air Force.
She worked in the federalgovernment for 19 years.
Attended Stillman College,graduating with a Bachelor's of
(02:12):
Business in Administrationdegree.
Attended Oklahoma University,graduating with a dual master's
degree in adult education andhuman relations, as she
graduated from Texas Women'sUniversity, respectively
receiving her PhD in humandevelopment and family studies.
Dr Lena Jackson Lynch is acertified family life educator,
(02:38):
a prepare-enriched facilitator,host of the Just Talking with Dr
Lena podcast and a family lifecoach.
Author of Listen Up, acollaboration book for teens,
and written articles, numerousarticles for journals.
She is involved in a nonprofitorganization and a member of
(02:59):
Westside Baptist Church inLouisville, texas.
She loves traveling, speakingmy language, spending time with
family and friends.
So, graceville community, I'mgoing to ask you to join me in
giving our warm welcome to DrLena Jackson Lynch.
Hey.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
Dr Lena.
Hey, how are y'all?
Glad you're here.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Yeah.
So I'm so glad to have you onour podcast today and to really
just give us insight.
I mean, just reading your biothere and going through it, I
already know, because we've hadconversation, the wealth of
knowledge that you have.
I'm excited for our listenersto tune in and to really tap
into all that wisdom and insightthat you're going to bring
forward today.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
I am too.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Yes, so I just want to start off with, first of all.
I mean you've done quite a bitof time of service for our
country, so first let me justsay thank you.
21 years in the United StatesAir Force.
Can you just take a moment anddescribe like what was military
life for you?
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Yes, I'm excited about my military life and glad
to share it.
I served from 1981 to 2002 andloved every minute, from basic
training to retirement.
I loved traveling in themilitary and wherever I was
stationed I always felt safe andsecure overseas and stateside.
(04:29):
After basic training, I wassent to Biloxi, mississippi, to
study for my first jobadministrative specialist.
While there, I married acivilian and was sent to
Whiteman Air Force Base, home ofthe Stealth Bomber, now known
as the Spirit Bomber.
And from Missouri, I appliedfor a special administrative
(04:53):
duty and was sent to Detachment835 Air Force ROTC at University
of North Texas in Denton, texasof North Texas in Denton, texas
.
During my time there, both mykids were born four years apart
at what was then called CarswellAir Force Base, fort Worth,
(05:14):
texas.
Carswell is now known as NavalAir Station Joint Reserve Base
in Fort Worth, texas.
Now, managing work, daycare,sickness, birthday, school,
school holidays, church and moretook up much of my time.
(05:36):
So shortly after the birth ofmy second child, I divorced and
was sent to Spangalum Air Base,germany, and continued my career
.
In addition to working, childcare, sickness, school, birthday
parties, school holidays,church and more, my kids and I
had a wonderful time in Germany.
(05:57):
Of course there were hardshipsbeing a single mom, with
schedule juggling, beingavailable for homework, wanting
to keep the house clean, which Iknow is.
Many moms thought we want ourhouse clean but we don't have
the time.
Our life is so busy.
(06:19):
It was impossible with youngkids and other family issues.
We were able to live off basebecause I wanted my kids to
experience having German friendsand neighbors.
We were also able to live inbase housing.
As time passed, I remarriedwhile in Germany and learned.
Having a blended family alsohad some issues, but all in all
(06:45):
we took the good with the badand made it work.
We traveled Europe as much aswe could, going to Spain,
iceland, france, greece, italy,luxembourg and other places I
can't even remember.
While in Germany I was sentstateside for various courses
(07:06):
and had a temporary duty inTurkey.
After being stationed in Germany, I was sent to Hill Air Force
Base, utah, and throughout mymilitary career I not only
changed bases but changed jobs,from administrative specialist
to administrative technician toprofessional instructor to
(07:28):
deputy inspector general and afew others I don't remember
Through it all.
I started out single, thenmarried, then divorced, then
became a single mom.
Then I remarried into a blendedfamily.
I divorced again and I caredfor a foster child.
(07:49):
I then retired.
There were obstacles during mytime in the military.
However, I made the best of itand I also enjoyed my time as an
active duty member.
Through it all, prayer helpedme maintain my sanity and be
(08:09):
ready for the next obstaclesthat came my way.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
Man, that is so much enrichment in there.
I mean there's a whole lot tobe said.
I mean from blended family tomarriage, to divorce.
I'm sure the healing that wentthrough that.
I mean fostering.
There is so much to be said,and I mean the main thing that I
just picked up on throughoutall of it is just what it may
(08:35):
have been like to be a militaryfamily, through your travels and
through even youraccomplishments.
And so one of the questions Iwould want to ask you is like,
tell us a little bit about, likethe behind the scenes of
military families.
I know there used to be thisshow called Army Wise that I
(08:55):
absolutely love, but of courseit's Hollywood, so who knows how
realistic it probably was.
So, like I would love to hearfrom you Tell us just some about
military family like behind thescenes.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Okay, I have not heard of Army Wife.
I don't think I ever watchedthat show, but I agree with you,
it is Hollywood.
It might not be exactly correct.
My life is different thananybody else's life.
You ask another military member, they may have different
(09:31):
experiences than I did.
So who knows, the Army showmight have been spot on.
But me, being Air Force, I knownothing about Army.
The only thing I know is thatwe work well together, all the
branches of the service.
To my knowledge, we need all ofthem to secure the United
(09:53):
States, and that's what I likeabout being a part of the
military.
There's so many differentbranches and we all do such a
good job.
So let me tell you a little bitabout what I went through as a
military member with the family.
Now, although I was active dutymilitary over 20 years ago, now
(10:19):
that I was in the military for21 years the military for 21
years 20 years ago I got out ofthe military.
I retired.
So, even though it was manyyears ago, looking at the
military now, I experienced someof the same issues as families
(10:42):
and active duty membersexperience today.
Now I spent time away from myfamily.
I miss birthdays and otherspecial events.
One good thing about young kidsis that they are forgiving okay.
My spouse had difficultygetting a job at times.
(11:03):
Although it seemed easysometimes to get jobs in his
field, it may not have been onewhere we were when we got to
that particular base, so we hadto wait for a job to come open
for him to get one.
Now.
My children's educationmattered a lot to me and I did
(11:25):
the best I could to ensure theyreceived a good education.
While in Germany, my kids wereable to be in a German daycare
and they learned the Germanlanguage because during the day
the teachers only spoke Germanand when they came home they
spoke German and I had to go tothe school and say I don't
(11:47):
understand a thing they'resaying.
Oh my goodness.
But those were good times.
We didn't keep it up, and sothey lost much of what they
learned.
Going through divorces andmoving, I often felt my family
was unstable.
(12:08):
Although hard, those times mademe stronger and, of course,
having prayer always made mestronger.
I made friends easily enough Mein my unit and my kids in their
school.
That is what kept us going.
I remember teaching my kids howto start a conversation with a
(12:33):
new child, which helped themwhen meeting someone.
New.
Kids need to know how to talkto other kids and parents are
the ones who teach them how todo that.
As I look back, I felt I hadsome control of my career, but
not really.
I spent much time inadministration.
(12:55):
I would have liked to havegotten into contracting.
That opportunity never came myway.
Opportunity never came my way,although that didn't stop me
from moving from my career toanother career.
I got opportunities to do that.
It just wasn't quite the way Iwanted it to be.
(13:17):
Now I'm thankful that I becamea deputy inspector general.
I became a professionalinstructor, so some of the
avenues I took I really enjoyed.
Now, those were veryinteresting jobs and I got to be
(13:37):
in the Air Force ROTCdetachment at UNT.
That was the best job of allbecause I was able to work with
young people and help them alongthe way, help them get ready
for the military.
There were some difficulties inrelocating.
(13:58):
I mean, every time you go to anew base the base is much the
same, but there are things yougo through to get settled.
So for the most part I was sentto bases I had on my dream
sheet and, I'm sure militarypeople listening know exactly
(14:18):
what a dream sheet is.
For those who are not military,it is a list of bases that we
all got to choose.
Each military member could fillout the form and say, oh, I
want to go to I can't evenremember all the bases, but
maybe they want to go toCalifornia or they want to go to
Hawaii, or they want to gowherever in the United States or
(14:42):
overseas.
They may want to go to Germanyor Iceland or wherever.
We put those on a list and wehave five.
So one of those five.
You hope that you get thatparticular base and for me I
(15:02):
normally got one of them.
It might have been my last one,it wasn't my top choice, but I
got to go to the bases that weremainly on my list.
Now in today's world, I'm notsure how that happens, but for
me it worked out really well.
I understood I would be sent toplaces where my job was needed
(15:25):
and that was the whole thingabout going to a particular base
.
Because some people were theirjob was not needed in the list
on their dream sheet, so theyhad to go to the base where
their job, where there was anopening for that particular job,
that skill that they had.
(15:47):
So sometimes I should say somethings were out of my control
and I had to understand that I'ma military member.
I raised my right hand toprotect and defend.
So as things occur, I'm readyto go wherever they sent me Now.
(16:12):
The operations tempo, or the optempo, played a big role in my
military life and family.
My daily workload was high.
I worked hard.
I learned quickly that doingmore with less was expected Not
enough people, not enoughequipment, not enough money, etc
(16:33):
.
But we still had to make thingswork.
My pay was lower than civiliansin the same job, oh yes, but
the benefits of being in themilitary for me outweighed the
downfalls.
I received money for housing,for utilities, for education,
and my medical, dental andoptical were taken care of.
(16:57):
That was more than I had beforeI joined.
The VA is also available nowthat I'm outside the military.
I felt my quality of life wasreally good in the military.
Every base I was sent to was setup much like a city.
(17:18):
There is a fire department,there is security police, there
is schools, there's libraries,there's churches, there's
education offices, there'sswimming pools, there's
recreation centers and more.
The base has a lot to offer, ofcourse base housing and
dormitories.
(17:39):
It was all there.
There's shopping, there's acommissary, there's the BX.
All the bases are set to me andthey were ready to go.
So me and my family enjoyed itall.
For me there was some socialisolation, but I knew that.
(18:03):
The base, I should say I knewwhat the base offered and I took
advantage of it.
Even off base.
I remember not having my mom,my dad, my brothers, my sisters
or my friends because I had leftthem behind.
Now some of the militarymembers in my unit became uncles
and aunts for my kids and Ibecame an aunt for theirs.
Now, mental health is always aconcern.
(18:27):
I wondered about my own as wellas my kids.
I know, I know and this is kindof teary, I know my kids miss
their friends.
I know that when we relocated.
(18:50):
So I did my best so that mykids and I had everything we
could have as far as themilitary was concerned and I
believe my kids turned out okay.
Many kids had the same issuesthat my kids did and they may
(19:15):
have had more, but in the longrun the military was a wonderful
place to be.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
Wow, I mean I'm listening to you and there's so
much is coming to mind.
I mean I'm just going to startfrom, like, the last thing you
said.
It kind of worked up, but hencewe're a Graceville community.
We find that we know thatcommunity is so important, right
, like engaging in community,having a space where you have
trust and understanding between,like individuals, and whether
(19:51):
that's military community,whether that's a community of
people that you've connectedwith through a church, whether
it's a community of people thatyou connected with in the
workplace, like it is importantfor us to have community.
I mean studies and researcheven show us, tell us, what
isolation does to our body.
We were not designed to do lifealone, and so I want to commend
(20:15):
you, not that you know you needmy command, but I want to
commend you in the sense of likeeven recognizing the importance
of that for your family whilebeing in military I know so many
people, whether you're inmilitary or not, for our
listeners like we have timeswhere you know we're going to
talk about family next, buttimes where maybe even the blood
component of your family is nota healthy space and not a
(20:37):
healthy relationship, and so youhave to find community and
almost like develop familyoutside.
I'm very much like you, dr Lena.
There are people that my kidscall aunt and uncle, that have
no blood relation but have beenthe connection you know we hear
the term like more of like afamily right, but they have been
(20:58):
that connection, that have beenthat community.
They're the space where trustwas built, they improved their
morale.
They are the village that hashelped, built, they improved
their morale.
They are the village that hashelped me, you know, continue
forward.
And so I love how you bring outthat aspect of how important
community is.
And even when I think about,like the military as a whole,
you know, I think about thereferences that we see of the
(21:22):
apostle Paul, and so many timeshe referenced military because
obviously coming from Romannature and Roman soldiers and so
forth.
But I mean, if I think about it,I could just start listening
out where, like in Philippians,paul talks about being fellow
soldiers.
In Timothy he talks about thesoldiers and describe us having
courage and loyalty anddedication, as you would in a
(21:45):
military force, in soldiers.
Like in Romans, I mean,obviously he talks about warring
of the mind, as you would inmilitary right, you know,
corinthians.
He talks about the victoriousaspects of being in the army,
and so I want to say I value youcoming on today because there's
so much insight that militarygives.
That also coordinates with whatwe are taught in the sense of
(22:09):
the New Testament, biblicallyeven, from Paul and the relation
to military, and so I thinkthat in both sense, like it's
valued when you are army of God,right like and army, literally
an air force and naval and allthe forces that serve to keep us
(22:30):
safe in a country right andfight for the safe, and that's
the same aspect of the army ofGod and that's why I think the
military references it's notnothing's by coincidence, but
that definitely is not bycoincidence, I agree.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
I do.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
Yes, okay.
So because of all your wisdomand expertise and the knowledge
that you gained over the years,and the education for sure, I do
want to lead in to talking alittle bit about family.
As I just mentioned, I've hadmy own bouts of family dynamics
and learning that that phraseblood is thicker than water is
(23:09):
not necessarily the correctionof the face.
Like the phrase could bechanged some yes, yes.
And so, knowing that you kindof have this education
background in human developmentand family studies, I'm
interested to hear more about,like your research area, what
(23:32):
first of all even led you towant to get a PhD in that area,
and then more about, like theresearch and the things that you
found while you were studyingsuch such.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Okay, as I approached retirement, I knew I needed
something else.
At least I felt I neededsomething else, although looking
back, I did not need anythingelse, but I felt I did.
Approaching retirement, so Ilooked at what was available and
it appeared family, humandevelopment and family studies
(24:15):
kept calling my name because itdid relate to families.
I had military families, I hada blended family, I had a
divorced family I had.
I went through the gamut of thefamilies.
So I'm like you know it mightnot be bad to learn more about
families and that is why I choseit.
And I knew I didn't want tojust not do anything once I
(24:41):
retired.
I still wanted to give back, Istill wanted to help people.
I've been in a helping careermost of my life and so even now
I am still helping as much as Ican in every way that I can.
So my research area actuallystems from my kids.
(25:06):
I did my dissertation on therelocation and how it affects
adolescence because at the timenow throughout they were born in
the military.
But as they got older theybecame adolescents and that time
(25:31):
in a child's life is difficult,with puberty and making friends
and leaving friends and takingon some responsibility.
That's a difficult time to bean adolescent and in the
military you know some branchesthey actually move every two
(25:54):
years.
Luckily for me, I didn't haveto move every two years, but we
still moved and I knew thatcoming in, I knew we would move
from or find out.
How did relocations affecttheir adolescents?
(26:27):
Now, I could have done mydissertation on any other age
range for kids, but I found theadolescent age to be most
interesting as far as thechanges I saw in them, or the
changes I noticed.
So, as I continued my researchand found participants who who
(26:52):
would help me with the questionsthat I had available to ask
them, through those questionsand the various research that I
was led to do, I learned thatbeing adaptable the kids, being
(27:38):
adaptable the kids there wereseveral social skills that the
kids showed as they aboutadaptability was higher than any
of the other social skillsneeded to be adaptable in their
future life, not only in theiradolescent life.
(28:01):
As they move from base to base,they've got to adapt to what's
happening around them, what'shappening in school, what's
happening on the playground,what's happening while you're in
church, what activities, whatministries you're involved in.
It may not be the same as itwas at the previous base and the
(28:26):
kids have to adapt.
The military kids adapt muchmore, I believe, than civilian
kids, because of the movement,because of the relocating.
Now, civilian families relocate, of course, they get a new job
and you got to move from Texasto Chicago.
(28:48):
You got to take your wholefamily with you as a civilian,
but civilians, I believe, don'tmove as much as a military
family.
So because we move so much andbecause the military member is
absent many times, because theyhave to go to deployments
(29:09):
without the family, then the,the, the, the adolescent not
having that family member, thatit may be the dad, it may be the
mom, whoever is not there, andso that adolescent is missing
that time of building thoserelationships with that parent
(29:32):
because of the duty that theyare assigned to, of the duty
that they are assigned to, andthey need to adapt to that.
As a matter of fact, it's justas I was talking to the parents
and getting more information anddiving into that research.
I didn't know before I started,but I began to agree with being
(29:55):
adaptable is the number oneskill, or social skill needed in
our adolescence.
So that's basically what myresearch area was about.
Speaker 1 (30:09):
Yeah, so you know, I want to make sure that our
listeners know exactly, becauseI tend to assume and I had to I
was like wait, adolescence, whatage is adolescence like?
Speaker 2 (30:21):
okay, all right, adolescence begin.
Well, there we now.
Maybe I would have I shouldhave looked it up before I came
but they are actually teens,teenagers.
So you can say 12 years old, 12is not a teen.
(30:42):
You know, like nine to 12 wouldbe preteen and then 13 to 19
really would be an adolescent.
Now I would stop it at 18,because normally, you know,
19-year-olds may be out of thehouse, they may have graduated
(31:06):
and gone to their life, butnowadays many kids are staying
at home, they don't leave home.
So it just depends on what theydecide to do with their life.
But as far as the age range,it's a teenager, that is an
adolescent.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
Hey let's take a quick break to tell you about
Grace-Filled Community.
Grace-filled Community is anorganization that focuses on the
primary principles of theChurch of Acts, centered around
building communities that impactthe Kingdom of God.
(31:44):
We do this through three coreextensions.
One Graceville Church Network,where we empower churches and
nonprofits for God's success andgrowth.
Churches and nonprofits forGod's success and growth.
We offer tailored growthstrategies rooted in biblical
principles that will help youexpand your reach and impact
your communities.
Just like the early church, wefocus not on attendance and
(32:09):
numbers, but on discipleship,providing leadership teachings
and trainings to today'sministry leaders.
Our second extension is Projectof the Grace Field, where we
provide biblical counseling,mentorship workshops and events
that are dedicated toencouraging individuals to live
a life filled with grace andpurpose, rooted in the
(32:32):
understanding that all havefallen short and are a working
project.
Let us help the individuals inyour community grow as they walk
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Our third extension is thegrace-filled business.
Grace-filled business is hereto help small, faith-based
(32:52):
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It brings increase and allowsthem to pour back into his
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We do this through our 15 yearsof experience of virtual
administrative work, digitalmarketing, business development
and consulting.
(33:13):
Welcome back Consulting,welcome back.
So, when we were, as we werejust discussing, and you were
talking about adolescent andbeing adaptable, when I think
about like enlisters those ofyou that listen we got two
different scales right.
Some of you are like, okay, yes, I love this.
(33:35):
What does the Bible say aboutthis?
And some of you are like I haveno clue.
I've never even heard the wordadolescence before, right?
And so I want to make sure thatwe give context to both.
Right?
When I think about adaptability,the first thing that comes to
mind is 1 Corinthians 9, and itstarts at verse 19 and goes
(33:56):
through verse 23.
But essentially, I'm going toread the most popular verse from
that passage, and it's Paul.
And he says for, though I befree from all men, yet I made
myself a servant unto all that Imay gain more, and unto the
Jews I became a Jew.
That is a biblical confirmationof adaptability.
(34:17):
Right, paul made himself aslave to everyone.
He limited his own rights, hisown freedoms, in order to
connect with others.
Now, he did it in in minds ofwanting to be able to be a
witness right so that he couldconnect with all things and be
all things to all people so thathe could win them to the faith
of Christ.
That's a form of adaptabilityall things and be all things to
(34:39):
all people so that he could winthem to the faith of Christ.
That's a form of adaptability Ithink about.
How often is it?
You know you can go into oneroom and we use the term.
Now at least my three teenshave taught me like read the
room.
Mom and I read the room, like,but essentially what they're
saying is like pay attention toyour surroundings and be ready
to not conform because we don'tconform to the world Right, but
(35:01):
be aware and have self-awarenessof how your actions are
impacting others and how youractions are even impacting
yourself.
Part of being emotionallyhealthy is being self-aware,
knowing the things that, eventhe things that maybe are the
things of my struggle, thethings are my weakness.
Paul also talks about beingaware of your weakness so that
Christ can bring that strengthin for you.
(35:23):
We have to know, we have to beself-aware.
So when I'm reading the room, Ineed to be aware what is this
room like, what is the style ofcommunication like, what is the
culture like?
I imagine you traveling inmilitary.
There's various things that oneculture values and another
culture does not.
There are things that areoffensive to certain cultures
(35:44):
that may not be offensive toanother and so, even in the
sense of as we navigate life,that is a key component to be
developed and trained, and Ilove how you talked about how
important it is in militaryfamilies for, during that stage
of adolescence, for them tobecome adaptable and I think it
continues to families, militaryand non-military.
(36:07):
It's a skillset that we need inlife to be able to adapt and
and be aware.
Quote unquote.
Read the room to ourenvironment, right?
Yes, exactly.
Be aware.
Quote unquote.
Read the room to ourenvironment, right?
Yes, exactly I know I'm alwayslike read the room, what are
they talking, but I learnedy'all.
I'm learning.
These teens are teaching me.
Speaker 2 (36:30):
No good, good good.
It's funny how it reverses life.
Life reverses in a family, thekids.
You know the phases of life,from birth to death, and through
those phases, you know, the momand dad begin taking care of
(36:53):
the child, begin taking care ofthe child and as the child grows
, through uh child ofadolescence to a young adult, to
adult, to a older adult, andthen uh, throughout that, the
child, the, the parent is therefor the child.
(37:15):
But as the parent begins to ageand being a senior adult, start
out taking care of the child.
But as the parents get older,the child begins to take care of
(37:41):
the, the parent.
It's a wonderful thing.
Uh, the phase of life, phasesof life yes, yes, oh, the design
, it is great.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
It is great, I um.
So we talked about some familyeducation, we talked about some
military lifestyle living and,and I'm like y'all, we could
take this podcast on forever,because we're not even getting
to deep dive, we're just kind oftouching the surface.
Right, we were preparing and Iwas just considering, like the
things that we would talk abouttoday.
I just thought about the levelsthat communication has to
(38:26):
extend when you're in a militaryfamily.
I mean, I, in my sense, I knowof a couple now that there was a
conversation of how do you haverelationship with the children
and the, the.
They are a married couple andthe husband is now away, he's
deployed, and so she's left withthese kids and he's like I want
my kids to know me when Ireturn two, three years.
(38:47):
How do you even maintaincommunication in that sense?
How do you maintaincommunication in your
relationship?
I think about communicationwith extended family.
I mean so many ways, and so Ijust I know we don't have a lot
of time, but I would like to getyour insight on just tips that
you may have or thoughts when itcomes to communication for
military families that probablywill lead into just the skills
(39:10):
and communications for us all.
Speaker 2 (39:13):
Oh, okay, as you were making that statement, I
flashed back and looked at howsome of the things that we did
to stay in contact was donewhile I was in the military.
While I was in the military Now, while I was in, while I was
(39:39):
deployed and my kids were notthere, the military at that time
and I hope they still do it had.
They were like little walkietalkie things.
Now I could be describing themdifferently than what they are
today, but we all, everyone whowanted to make a call home,
(40:02):
there was a certain time and myfamily knew when and they I
would go into the little areawhere you can speak with your
family and it was.
It looked like a little walkietalkie thing and they would say
press the button and then speak,and then you gotta wait and let
your family speak back to you.
(40:25):
It was really a long um pausein between waiting for them to
hear me, which is what wesometimes see on on newscasts or
reporters.
They, they talk and you're likewhy is that other person over
there in, in wherever they are,uh, uh, hamas or afghanistan why
(40:46):
are they not talking?
Because it takes that long forthe, the voice, to get over
there where they are and forthem to hear it.
And so I was going through thesame thing that I see on TV
sometimes, when the reporter iswaiting for the other reporter
to say something, they're nottalking.
I'm like that's what I wentthrough.
So my kids got a chance to hearme way in Germany and they were
(41:11):
back in the States at times andor way in wherever I was.
I won't say where I was, um,and they were in in Germany or
they were in the states, butthat that little technique thing
was a way to keep the familytogether.
Now I can't say what they donow.
I don't know if that's whatthey do, but that was one uh
(41:36):
thing I I felt was was really,really good for them to hear me.
They wanted to hear my voiceand I wanted to hear theirs, so
it was a real good time just togo through that.
Now I do remember also familyadvocacy.
I'm not sure if that stillexists on the base.
(41:58):
It may have another name, butthere were little classes and
programs we went through they inone of the classes they gave
already pre-made letters andthey were like they had some
information on and the child gotto write in, fill in the blank,
and so it was already, you know, kind of ready to go.
(42:21):
They just write a little bit onthere with the help of an adult
, they put in the envelope andit was sent to me.
Then I would write back to themon the other side.
That was an interesting littleactivity.
They wrote on one side and Iwrote on the other side, or they
colored on one side and I wouldreply in some way on the other
(42:45):
side.
Now, that was just a couple ofthings that the family advocacy
came up with for us.
I know that through.
Another thing we did was tohave a communication plan, and
that is for that actually wasthe best.
(43:07):
Where the spouses work out,we'll talk on what day, or you
know, I don't know how thetexting and the calling.
I'm not there.
In some top secret areas youjust can't do a lot of things.
But it has to be planned.
So you have a communicationplan what day can we talk?
(43:30):
And, as I was saying, they madearrangements for us to talk on
this little walkie talkie thingto your family.
But you got to, you got toarrange it, you know, you got to
find out how do I go there,what, what time is available?
And with the plan, everybody isready.
The kids are there, the spousesare over issues.
(43:51):
You know is a happy time.
It's not to settle argumentsduring this time that I'm
explaining.
There may be times when youcould talk with the individual
with the kids not there.
(44:12):
So it's all in planning.
One call could be the kids arethere, the next call the spouses
speak together, only with thekids not being there.
I felt that the plan, once yousit down and think about it,
(44:34):
helps you manage your time,because when the spouse is away,
there are issues.
There are the grass needscutting, who's going to cut the
grass?
Nobody's here to cut the grass.
You got to plan some thingsbefore you go.
You work with your neighbor oryou're, and if you're on the
(44:54):
base it's easier.
If you're in base housing, youand your neighbors get together
and you all work out All right.
This week I got the grass forthe Jacksons.
Next week I know what else canI do to help the Jacksons have
small kids and they even got ababy.
How can we come together andhelp them?
(45:16):
I know the community on basealso helps each other and if
you're living off base theywould probably do the same thing
in the unit.
When someone is leaving and theyknow they have a family, the
unit members get together backthen.
(45:37):
The unit members get togetherback then.
(46:04):
I hope they still do that andthey recognize whoever has small
kids in the family.
While the military member isaway, somebody could pick up
groceries one time or someonecould just come by and take the
kids to the park.
The park is right there on the.
I mean the playground.
I'm saying park, there'splaygrounds all through the base
.
So you know you just help outwhere you can help out, and
(46:24):
starting the conversation is thefirst part.
Talk to each other before youleave.
Sometimes it's quick, you don'thave time to talk.
You know it's like we got, likeI'm leaving tomorrow.
Oh, what do?
Speaker 1 (46:40):
we need to do?
Speaker 2 (46:41):
What do we need in place?
We got to get things in place.
You have those things in placebefore that call comes.
You talk about how we're goingto handle this before the orders
come down, and you got to geton that plane tonight or in the
morning.
You don't have time to doanything.
You got to have it in place.
You have a communication plan.
(47:02):
Here is how we will communicate.
So I hope those were some ideasthat were helpful and you
understood enough to grab alittle bit out of it and help
you while you're in the militaryand help you while you're in
the military.
Speaker 1 (47:17):
Yeah, you know, as you're giving those insights for
military, of course, I'm acivilian, non-military I'm
thinking some of these tips.
I'm like, oh my goodness,because, without even knowing it
, I'm like that's what we do inour home.
We have a communication plan,right, like we have a set day of
the week that we know thefamily's going to come together
(47:38):
and discuss what needs to bediscussed, because there's a
reality, is something's going tocome up, right, like we're not
in a perfect world, sosomething's going to come up.
Decisions are have to be made,communication about rough spaces
or even great celebrations,like we want to have a space to
communicate that and just theintentionality behind it.
I'm like that's a communicationplan, like that's kind of what
(47:59):
we're doing.
Or even communication of likeyou know, in my case, like
Isaiah and I deciding hey, youknow, saturday mornings we take
an hour to just touch bases.
How is everything for the week?
What is the plans with the kids?
How is this kid doing?
What do we need to do with this?
Like that is essentially acommunication plan.
So I actually want to encourageour listeners, like a military,
(48:19):
non-military, think about yourcommunication plans.
I think even in friendships Ihave a friend that I've been
very communicative with hey inthe scope of our world right now
, at least every other week, weneed to get together, we need to
make a standing date that weknow hey, we're gonna.
I don't care if we just meet ata park and sit and talk to each
(48:40):
other and catch up then, but weneed to have this plan in place
because you'll find that timegoes by and you haven't
communicated, and so that's oneof the.
I mean, that is an amazing tipjust in life and relationships
all together.
So thank you for that.
Speaker 2 (48:56):
You're welcome.
Speaker 1 (48:59):
Another you know aspect you brought about.
You talked about militarycommunity and again, obviously,
community is near and dear to myheart, and so when you were
talking about how like hey, youknow the Jacksons, I may cut the
grass or they have a smallchild it just prompted me to
look up, like what is the actualdefinition of community?
(49:19):
Right, because I think we saythe word and especially around
here we say the word so often Imean it's the name of what we do
.
So when I went to thedefinition, one meant a group of
people living in the same placeor having a particular
characteristic in common, andI'm like that is that really is
the epitome of community.
(49:40):
Whether you're living in thesame place or sharing the same
experience, you have acharacteristic that's in common,
that you're relating to.
I mean that's why we're notgoing to go all the way down the
scope, but like that's whytrauma bonds occur, because you
(50:01):
are in the same circumstance andyou're bonding together through
this circumstance.
I mean, I think about even how,as women, we can get together in
a space of women andimmediately, if somebody just
talks about a kid or achildbirth, you're like they're
best of best friends, they'dhave figured out like, hey, I
did this together, I did this.
Yeah, this is what I did withthe kid.
It's this sharing bond fromsomething that you have both
(50:29):
experienced and so you know Itend to lean back to.
I mean, in all of this I'm like, oh, like man acts, they were
on something.
And so when I think about likethe community, even biblically,
like when you think about Actsand where the early Christians
and the early church wasdeveloped, there was five
(50:49):
sources of community that wehold true to here in Graceville
community, and one was sharingof resources.
So, as you was expressing, I'mlike cutting somebody's grass,
you're taking your lawnmower,your time and saying, hey, I'm
going to share my resource tohelp you with your need.
Right, there was sharing afinancial aid.
Again, it's a resource.
They pause to use theirresource.
I mean, if you use a lawnmower,that's gas, that's electricity.
Right, there was some type offinancial component that was
(51:11):
being shared.
You know prayer andencouragement.
I mean the acts that you'redoing, the encouraging words.
I imagine as military families,there were times that you're
missing this individual andhaving that community around you
that can encourage you.
You know, the other ways thatwe've seen it in acts was
hospitality, having people over,opening up their homes,
(51:32):
engaging with people, givingthem the welcoming space.
I imagine military, militaryfamily there's, like you
mentioned, birthday parties,right, like establishing
community with those that are inthat like characteristic, and
then, of course, just theguidance, right.
So in acts of a spiritualguidance, you know, in military
style, it may have been theguidance of like, hey, I've been
through having a spousedeployed or I've been through
(51:55):
being away from my kids, let meencourage you, let me give you
some guidance, let me give yousome tools and tips, like you're
doing today.
And so I look at that, I'm likeit really is and I want to
thank you again because yourinsight today even maybe
understand what I see in thebond when you see people that
have served in military and thebond that they carry and the um,
(52:17):
you know relationships, youhear the term like brotherhood
and all these terms and itreally gave me insight to what
that bond is and where that bondcomes from.
Um and so thank you, thank youso much for sharing today with
us.
Speaker 2 (52:33):
You're welcome.
I was glad to be here, thankyou.
Speaker 1 (52:42):
It is definitely my pillager.
I mean I I say it all the time,like we do these podcast
recordings and I'm like this wasfor me, like I'm gaining so
much in this and so I reallywant to just again I send you my
gratitude for trusting a spaceand coming on here and sharing
of your experience.
I know I need to let you go,but before I let you go, just
one last question is formilitary couples.
(53:06):
You talked about being divorced, having a blended family, being
married of course, and Iimagine it's the worst, even
living the life of a singleindividual in the military Like.
What final remarks would yougive, as you're like peace to
(53:26):
give out to military couples?
Speaker 2 (53:30):
Well, over the years I have learned that
communication is the key tobonding, to connecting, to
building relationships and incommunication.
Just remember, there is aspeaker when I am speaking right
now.
(53:50):
Nicole is listening, so she isthe listener, so one of you is
speaking.
When that person is speaking,listen.
You don't talk, you listen,listen.
And listening is reallyactively.
(54:17):
It is not just sitting therewith your arms crossed waiting
for them to finish theirthoughts so you can say
something.
It is actually nodding andagreeing or disagreeing.
It is asking questions.
The listener hasresponsibilities and the speaker
(54:42):
has responsibilities.
Along the way, before I actuallyunderstood communication, I
mean, there's so many kinds ofcommunication nonverbal You've
got to look for the non-verbals.
They're telling you somethingand you're talking so much you
can't even see that the personmay be crying, like I was
(55:04):
earlier, and you're talking, youdon't even notice.
You in that conversation arenot communicating if you're not
actually watching, observing theother person.
So I will stop there and justsay communication is the most
(55:26):
important thing that you can dofor your partner.
Give them your full attention.
Ask good questions, notclosed-ended questions, not the
ones that say how are you today?
I'm okay, and they don't sayanything else.
You've got to ask an open-endedquestion that begins with what,
(55:51):
what did you do today, how wasyour day and how?
We'll also get an oh, it wasokay, and then stop talking.
You've got to find ways to keepthem talking, to build that
relationship, and it will makeyour communication a whole lot
better when you can give thatattention that the other person
(56:12):
needs.
Speaker 1 (56:13):
Yes, yes, oh, that's so good.
That is so good.
I mean even, as you say I wasjust thinking of, like active
listening.
When we we do marriage biblicalcounseling, we have an active
listening guide like lean intothe questions.
You know, there is thecomponent which I laughed and
I'm like it's the hardest part,when we tell them you have to
(56:35):
listen and you can't sayanything and you're not there to
give a response.
You're there to ask questions,to understand and then just say
thank you for sharing.
And I mean couples struggle thefirst two weeks.
This is the hardest thing, butI get it because, you know,
often as we are havingcommunication, we are already
(56:58):
trying to figure out ourresponse and nine times out of
10 is more of a defensive orexplanatory response versus a
response of I heard you, Isupport you.
I may not agree with you, but Isupport you, I can hear you, I
can validate your emotionswithout agreeing with them.
(57:21):
Right, that's right, that'sright.
Oh, my goodness, so muchgoodness.
Well, I have truly, trulyenjoyed this time together.
Thank you again from the bottomof my heart for taking time out
of your incredibly busyschedule.
You guys heard her bio and soeven before we started.
She was talking about thedifferent sessions and the
classes and things I'm like.
(57:42):
Whew, thank you for your hour.
So thank you, dr Alita, fortaking time and joining us on
the podcast.
I do want to make sure ourlisteners know how can they make
sure to stay in contact withyou, find out classes or
sessions or resources.
Speaker 2 (58:00):
What is the best way to be connected to you?
I would say the best way is onmy website.
It is wwwlj2inccom, orInstagram at lj2inccom, and I'll
thank anyone who comes to joinme in any session.
Speaker 1 (58:29):
Oh, yes, well, you guys heard it.
You can plug in through websiteInstagram.
All of her links that we canpossibly find her are below in
the show notes, so you can alsocheck out the show notes to find
out how you can stay connectedto the resources and the wealth
of wisdom and knowledge that DrLena lends our way.
Listeners, I want to thank youfor tuning in, viewing in Once
again, as always, if you areseeking community, we want to be
(58:52):
of service to you.
I encourage you to email growat gracefieldcommunitycom if
you're seeking community nearyou.
We have partners globally thatwe trust and know will be a safe
space for you to buildcommunity around.
You are not meant to do lifealone and we don't want to do
life without you, so grow atgracefieldcommunitycom.
(59:13):
Thanks again for tuning in.
May the Lord be with you.
Thank you for tuning in totoday's episode of Graceville
community podcast.
We would like to invite you tovisit graceville communitycom.
Graceville community is allabout doing church the way
church of acts did, using fivemain principles that we see in
(59:36):
the book of Acts.
Sharing resources, as believerspooled their possessions and
resources to support those inneed, as we see in Acts 2.44.
Through hospitality the earlyChristians practiced hospitality
(01:00:00):
by opening their homes toothers, as we see in Acts 2 and
46.
By financial aid the church inAntioch sent financial aid to
believers in Judea during a timeof famine, as described in Acts
11 and 29.
Prayer and encouragement theysupported each other through
prayer and encouragement, as wesee in Acts 4 and 24.
(01:00:20):
And finally, spiritual guidancethe apostles and elders
provided spiritual guidance andteaching to help strengthen and
build the community, as we seein Acts 1530.
1530.
(01:00:41):
I would like to encourage you.
If any of those areas are areasin which you are in need or can
contribute, please reach out toGraceville Community.
We are working together acrossthe world with ministries and
individuals alike to help bringback the church of Acts.
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