Moroni kicks off this week’s episode with a White Lotus-inspired drink that doubles as a tropical eulogy and a warning about unwashed kitchen appliances. The Wash Your Damn Blender is a blissfully boozy take on a piña colada, minus the pong pong poison. The GASP gang processes the chaos of the Season 3 finale, including maternal manipulation, Buddhist extortion, Sam Rockwell’s everything, and the surprisingly emotional redemption arc of Lockie. RIP, blender.
Scriptures: [00:22:41]
aaaAAAaaa takes us on a deeply unhinged tour of D&C 94–97, where God is full-on moonlighting as a zoning administrator. We get exact qubit dimensions, bizarre sexual allegories, and an apocalyptic threat disguised as architectural advice. It’s all very “divine city planning meets horny dungeon master.” Also: a reminder that if your temple doesn’t have exactly the right crown molding, God will abandon it like a budget Salt Lake starter home.
Church Teachings: [00:46:39]
Abish breaks down the latest round of spiritual gaslighting, aka April 2025 General Conference. We get Neil L. Andersen’s abortion tap-dance, Camille N. Johnson telling disabled people to suck it up spiritually, and Quentin L. Cook rewriting pioneer history with survivorship bias and weird art metaphors. It’s a rundown of weaponized empathy, bad science, and God’s apparent refusal to help your body feel better while still demanding 10% of your income.
History: [01:19:11]
Abigail—fully hopped up on Costco Advil—dives into temple history. We learn about God’s suspicious obsession with spires, micro-penis towers in St. George, and the ever-escalating pissing contest of temple design. From sandstone castles to Mayan revival to full-on art deco, we explore how temple architecture evolved from local flair to global franchise. And yes, she covers the whole timeline from Kirtland to post-WWII brutalism and the dawn of the Hinckley McTemple™ Era.
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