Episode 114 - You Can Persecute DEEZ NUTS

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Moroni steps up with Zion’s Crown, a drink that tastes like spiritual opulence and religious overcompensation. This royal elixir mixes Crown Royal Blackberry, Chambord, lime juice, simple syrup, ginger beer, and fresh blackberries. It’s festive, fruity, and apparently symbolic: blackberry for royalty and identity (shout-out to D&C 115’s full name drop of the church), simple syrup for Zion’s unity, and ginger beer for prophetic zing. And yes, the drink segment spirals into prepping tips, alcohol hoarding, and how Minnesota is about to be the new Mormon Valhalla.

Scriptures: [00:22:41]

Abish dives into the Isaiah fanfiction that is D&C 113, where Joseph Smith rides into Missouri and is like, “Let’s not talk about the failed bank or the mobs. Let’s talk about Isaiah—and guess what? Isaiah was talking about me!” It’s revelation by way of narcissism. D&C 114 brings the real drama: Joseph Smith excommunicates half the Quorum of the Twelve and various OGs (Oliver Cowdery, David Whitmer, Martin Harris, etc.) for being mad that his divine bank tanked and took their money with it.

And then we get the truth bomb about Thomas B. Marsh, and that he didn’t leave the church over stolen cream. That story? Made up years later by George Albert Smith to cover up the real reason—Marsh was horrified by the Danites, Joseph’s violent theocratic militia. He blew the whistle, testified to the Missouri government, and helped trigger the infamous extermination order. The church, not loving that PR, replaced him with a “cream skimming” cautionary tale and pretended his wife caused the downfall. It’s petty, inaccurate, and deeply on-brand.

Church Teachings: [00:57:04]

aaaAAAaaa unpacks the church’s spin on Isaiah—basically, “He was prophesying the Restoration, duh.” The church doubles down on Joseph’s re-interpretations, treating Isaiah like a 700 BC missionary tract. According to modern teachings, Isaiah was essentially Joseph’s hype man across centuries. The narrative avoids context, history, and Hebrew—because nothing kills the spirit quite like biblical scholarship. Expect more typology than logic and a whole lot of “Isaiah meant this all along, obviously.”

History: [01:14:26]

Abigail digs into Joseph Musser, the proto-fundy who helped launch modern Mormon fundamentalism. Musser was excommunicated for clinging to plural marriage long after the Manifesto made it unfashionable. He went on to organize splinter groups, pen doctrine-heavy screeds, and serve as one of the early architects of the Council of Friends, the group that eventually gave us the FLDS. His writings provided the justification (read: cover story) for polygamist sects and are still cited today by fringe groups.

Musser didn’t just leave; he franchised. His legacy is a roadmap of offshoots, splinters, and splinters of splinters, all clutching their 1886 revelation like a security blanket. Basically, Musser is the spiritual granddaddy of the guys in denim jumpers stockpiling dry beans and wives.

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