Episode 115 - From Shit to Different Shit

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aaaAAAaaa kicks us off with a caffeine-laced theological sugar rush called Saith The Lord, inspired by D&C 117, which manages to say “saith the Lord” fourteen times in just sixteen verses. Subtlety? Not Joseph’s strong suit. This drink is what happens when camping leftovers meet divine inspiration: coffee vodka, Kahlua, Baileys, a splash of those bottled Starbucks mocha lattes, and whipped cream. You know, just like the pioneers drank on the trail.

Naturally, the drink segment spirals into topics like JoJo Siwa rage, the Ballerina Farm tragedy, the theology of ice machines, and how Neopets taught us the economy before D&C did. A classic chaotic intro.

Scriptures: [00:34:25]

Moroni returns with biting commentary on the absurd demands of early Mormon revelations. In D&C 117, Joseph tells Newel K. Whitney and William Marks to abandon all their businesses and property to move to Missouri—because God’s into minimalism now, apparently. And Olive Granger is left to mop up the financial fallout, but don’t worry, God will remember his name (unless He forgets it, in which case… sorry).

In D&C 118, mobs are burning towns and saints are getting evicted, but God’s like, “Hey, 12 Apostles, show up at the Far West Temple site next April. Then go preach in England.” Good luck with that itinerary, boys.

D&C 119 brings the birth of tithing—because what’s a restoration without a revenue stream? Saints are told to donate their surplus property (even though they’ve just been dispossessed and are broke), followed by 10% annually for the rest of their lives. And in D&C 120, the church leaders are given divine permission to play Monopoly with that tithing cash—zero transparency, infinite vibes. It’s the sacred origin story of the billion-dollar shell game we know and love today.

Church Teachings – [00:48:57]

Abish tackles how the modern church handles money and asks the question we’ve all been thinking: What the hell are they spending it on? Instead of bailing out real estate disasters or stockpiling in Ensign Peak vaults, maybe—just maybe—they could, say, fund education, feed people, or stop treating their $100B+ fortune like a divine hedge fund.

She drops a list of things that would be better uses of church tithing money than hoarding it in investments, including reparations, global aid, and basic human decency. Spoiler: the church doesn’t do those. But God definitely wants you to cough up 10% of your income so someone can build a redundant temple in West Jordan.

History: Rulon [01:24:07]

Abigail dives into the saga of Rulon Allred, spiritual successor to Joseph Musser and a key architect of post-Manifesto Mormon fundamentalism. Rulon turned priesthood keys into spiritual NFTs, claiming that his line of authority made him the one mighty and strong. He founded the Apostolic United Brethren (AUB), brought in new polygamist converts, and helped expand the theological scaffolding that justified plural marriage for decades after the mainstream church abandoned it.

Of course, like many fundy figureheads, Rulon had enemies—including rival sects—and was ultimately assassinated in 1977 by cultists sent by Ervil LeBaron (yes, that LeBaron). His legacy lives on in prepper enclaves, denim-heavy family portraits, and Utah basements stocked with powdered milk and patriarchy.

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