Episode 117 - Socially Acceptable Cages for Babies

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aaaAAAaaa opens the episode with a drink that pairs just as well with exhaustion as it does with divine real estate plans. The "Weary Traveler" is built from Five Wives Tamarind vodka, 1 oz pineapple juice, 0.5 oz of lemon juice, 0.5 oz of simple syrup, and 0.5 oz of Chambord, but the real secret ingredient is that you can just pour and pray those ingredients together and it still tastes amazing. As the name suggests, it’s a tribute to the Saints being given an assignment by the Almighty to build a boutique hotel for said weary traveler. Also discussed: the origin of branding in Mormonism, pioneer fatigue, and whether celestial inns come with continental breakfast.

Scriptures: [00:24:58]
Abish takes the wheel for D&C 124, set in the early Nauvoo period. God’s newest revelation reads like a holy Google Doc—detailed instructions for building a temple, a boarding house, and a divine leadership org chart. The Nauvoo House, essentially God’s Airbnb for VIP guests, is to be funded by Saints who just barely survived Missouri. And the temple? It’s the big one—where God promises to reveal the “fullness of the priesthood,” which definitely doesn’t sound like a secret society if you say it real fast. Joseph gets busy handing out divine callings, committee assignments, and redemption arcs to all his friends (and future traitors), including Brigham, Hyrum, and the ever-slutty John C. Bennett. It's both a revelation and a resume-building workshop.

Church Teachings: [00:57:47]
aaaAAAaaa returns to explore the Mormon Church’s long, messy love affair with business ventures. He tracks the evolution from the Nauvoo House’s cash-for-boarding model to ZCMI, sugar companies, luxury malls, cattle ranches, and ultimately, Ensign Peak Advisors. Basically: the Church started with tithing and ended with portfolio diversification. Along the way, he responds to modern rationalizations that God just wants His kingdom “temporally independent,” while pointing out how far that has spiraled into billion-dollar investments and "consecrated capitalism."

History: [01:17:27]
Abigail continues the tangled saga of Mormon fundamentalism with the terrifying tale of the LeBarons. Picking up where Musser and the Allreds left off, she introduces us to Ervil LeBaron, the polygamist prophet turned cult leader who orchestrated a spree of murders in the name of priesthood succession. From issuing hit lists to organizing the assassination of Rulon Allred, Ervil’s theology was 10% scripture and 90% mafia. Abigail traces the roots, the splintering sects, and the horrifying legacy that turned rural Utah and northern Mexico into the backdrop for real-deal religious violence. If it sounds like a Netflix documentary—it already is.

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