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June 27, 2025 12 mins

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We explore the "90-10 theory" of relationships, examining how people often focus on the missing 10% of needs rather than appreciating the 90% that's fulfilled, potentially leading to divorce regret.

• The 90-10 theory suggests partners meet about 90% of our needs, but we fixate on the missing 10%
• Social media creates unrealistic relationship expectations by showing idealized versions of others' lives
• Post-divorce regret is common when people realize they took the 90% for granted
• DJ Mikey D shares personal experiences from his recent divorce, revealing patterns of deception and red flags
• Relationship red flags are often clearer in hindsight, including financial dishonesty and emotional distance
• Healing after breakups involves acknowledging emotions, practicing self-care, and seeking support
• Reflection on past relationships helps identify patterns for healthier future connections

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Episode Transcript

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Speaker 1 (00:00):
You are listening to the best podcast from the USA to
the UK on GreatDayRadiocom.

Speaker 2 (00:08):
Hey everyone, welcome to GreatDayRadiocom Love and
Regrets podcast where we discussthe 90-10 theory.
I'm DJ DeMarie and with me isDJ Mikey D.

Speaker 3 (00:18):
What's up DJ D Excited to dive into this topic
for this episode divorce, regretand that whole 90-10 thing.
It's heavy but so relatable.

Speaker 2 (00:26):
Absolutely so.
For those who haven't heard ofit, the 90-10 theory suggests
that in most relationships, yourpartner meets about 90% of your
needs, but we tend tohyper-focus on the missing 10%,
and that can lead to some bigdecisions like divorce.
Speaking of divorce, Mikey, youjust finalized yours right.
How are you managing your dailylife post-divorce?

(00:48):
Do you mind discussing briefly?

Speaker 3 (00:51):
Yeah, and sometimes, after the dust settles, you
realize, dang, that 90% wasactually pretty solid.
To answer your question, yes,the divorce finalized back in
May of this year.
Since we are going into morediscussions on post-divorce in
the next segment, I will holdoff until then.

Speaker 2 (01:05):
Fair enough, mikey.
I agree that 90% can be solid.
Take Melissa, a 42-year-oldaccountant we heard about.
She divorced her husbandbecause she wanted more
adventure, spontaneous trips,excitement.
But afterwards she missed hisstability, his support as a dad,
the stuff she'd taken forgranted.
In fact, she stated that in herdecision-making to pursue her

(01:28):
happiness at the time sheregrets the pain she caused the
kids, as they see less of theirfather.

Speaker 3 (01:35):
Man, that hits hard.
It's like we're wired to noticewhat's not there instead of
what is.
Social media doesn't help.
Everyone's out here pretendingtheir relationships are perfect.

Speaker 2 (01:43):
Right.
And then you start questioningyour own relationship, like why
don't we have that, when maybeyou've got something even better
, just different?

Speaker 3 (01:52):
So how do we fix this ?
I've got friends who've beenthrough this Post-divorce regret
is definitely real.

Speaker 2 (01:58):
Counseling helps.
So does pausing to ask is this10% worth losing the 90%?
Maybe that missing piece can beworked on, or maybe it's okay
to accept that no relationshipis 100% perfect.

Speaker 3 (02:11):
Boom, that's the wisdom right there.

Speaker 2 (02:13):
But here's the thing Regret doesn't have to be the
end.
For Melissa it became a lesson.
She's now more mindful aboutgratitude in her new
relationships.

Speaker 3 (02:22):
Growth.
I love that.
So to wrap it up, appreciatethe 90% and communicate about
the 10%, and maybe don't letperfectionism trick you into
losing something great.

Speaker 2 (02:31):
Couldn't have said it better, mikey.
Thanks for tuning in everyone.
If you're on TikTok orInstagram, be sure to visit
greatdayradiocom to listen tothe full podcast show, to hear
segment two, where we talk withDJ Mikey D on his journey
post-divorce as we discussreflecting on relationships
after breakup or divorce.
If you are interested inadvertising on our network,

(02:53):
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Also, be sure to check in withour latest contest and sign up
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Speaker 1 (03:09):
You are tuned in to Great Day Radio with DJ Mikey D.

Speaker 2 (03:16):
Welcome back to Moving Forward, the podcast
where we navigate life'stransitions and transformations.
For this segment, we're divinginto relationship reflections
after a breakup or divorce.
I am DJ DeMarie, along with DJMikey D, and it is my pleasure
to be here with you all for thisdiscussion.

Speaker 3 (03:35):
That's right, DJ D.
Whether you're dealing withheartbreak or finding yourself
after a major life change, we'vegot insightful discussions and
expert advice lined up to helpyou on your journey.

Speaker 2 (03:44):
I think we can all agree that breakups and divorces
are some of the mostchallenging experiences a person
can go through.
Have you experienced this inyour life, Mikey?

Speaker 3 (03:53):
Absolutely.
I went through a divorce in Mayof this year and it really
changed my perspective onrelationships and what I want
for the future.
It's such a transformativeexperience.

Speaker 2 (04:02):
I know we have discussed your past relationship
in previous podcasts forseveral months now.

Speaker 3 (04:19):
I know we have discussed your past relationship
in previous podcasts forseveral months now.
Would you mind brieflyexplaining what your reflective
journey looks like?
Since your breakup and thefinalization of the divorce, I
have had plenty of time to bereflective on our 14-year
relationship.
What I come to realize in ourtime together is that I was not
the one she truly desired.

Speaker 2 (04:37):
So you are saying that in the 14 years you
realized you were not the one.
How do you come up with that,considering you both have two
kids together?
Please explain more.

Speaker 3 (04:47):
Certainly, if you recall, in our previous
discussions I shared with youthat weeks prior to my son being
conceived, she attempted toleave our relationship.
We'd been involved with eachother for more than a year at
the time.
Had my son not been conceived,we surely would not have been in
a relationship, or married forthat matter.
The times after we got marriedshe was not forthcoming about
her financial world.
In fact, much of our timetogether in marriage she would

(05:09):
never discuss those details.
Oftentimes I would discoverthat she was hiding bills or not
telling me she had not beenpaying the bills Because of her
financial woes.
It damn near cost me my jobwhile serving in the army, so
its audibility was not her thing.
After a while I had to adjusthow I saved money.
It was definitely a sore spotwhen trying to have a discussion
about money On one instance shewould deflect and cast blame on

(05:32):
her father's bad habits when itcame to money.
Beyond money, over time she wasinvolved in at least one
outside relationship while I wastransitioning out of the army,
while stationed in Washington.

Speaker 2 (05:42):
Oh my gosh, that is horrible.
First, how and where did youboth meet?
How was she acting prior toyour son being conceived?
Also, what brought you to theconclusion that she was having a
relationship outside themarriage?

Speaker 3 (05:56):
Great questions, djd.
We met on an online dating appwhile I was returning from an
18-month deployment inAfghanistan.
It was coincidental that Iended up with orders to come out
to Colorado where we met up forthe first time.
I do not know what happenedbetween the time we met and the
time she wanted to walk awayfrom our relationship, and I
recall a conversation with herwhere she admitted she had

(06:16):
walked away from priorrelationships when it got
serious.
Having to reflect back to thosedays, I probably should have
let her go then.
However, I wanted to be adifferent person in her life.
At least, that was my thoughtsthen.
As to how she acted when sheattempted to walk away from the
relationship, she would be veryshort in conversations and
distant in her emotions and lackthe intimacy, physically and

(06:37):
emotionally.
When I called her out on heractions, she would blame her
medications she was taking atthe time.
How did I know she was havinganother relationship In my
transition?
While in Washington, I waschecking the cell phone bill and
noticed there were a lot ofcommunications with a specific
number.
I had gut instinct and decidedto call the number.
The person she wascommunicating with told me he
was talking to my wife and thatthey were intimate.

(06:59):
When I confronted her with thediscovery, she initially denied
it, but fessed up and said itwas just an emotional
conversation.
She said it was because he wassaying things that I never said
to her and made her feel alive.

Speaker 2 (07:10):
Wow, that is deep.
You had mentioned previouslythat in your return back to
Colorado your relationship wason and off at best.
Can you explain?

Speaker 3 (07:19):
Yes, that would be correct.
When I returned back toColorado within the first year
of us living together, sheannounced that she wanted a
divorce, not once, but twice.
In those instances, having toreflect back for what it was,
she would gaslight aconversation or situation as an
excuse to demand a divorce.
What I did not see while in therelationship is that there were
patterns in how she manifestedour relationship.

(07:40):
While in the relationship isthat there were patterns in how
she manifested our relationship.
In a previous show on monkeybranching, I believe that she
was having online relationshipto basically shop around to see
if there is a better supplierthat fit her fantasy
relationship.
I think during the knownrelationship and the divorce
announcements, she realized thatit would be monetarily
beneficial to hang on to us,also to maintain stability with
the kids.
When we moved in with herparents, it was then she began

(08:01):
setting up the ultimate breakup,as she begun the process of
getting very involved with arelationship or two.
As I discovered, she was onlinedating prior to our divorce.
So when I reflect on the past,it is hurtful, it was deceptive,
it was manipulative, it wasvery toxic.
You asked would I considertaking her back should she come
to me in the future, that wouldbe a solid no.

Speaker 2 (08:22):
Okay, point taken.
I say never, say never, curious.
Is there anything you think shewould reflect on that could
have triggered her behavior inthe relationship?
Also, throughout all thegaslighting, you almost losing
your job, financialinstabilities with her, why did
you not leave sooner?

Speaker 3 (08:40):
You are on fire with the questions, djd, if you're
asking if there was something Idid.
I was not perfect, certainly,and I take full accountability
of my actions.
There was one instance I wasready to walk out the
relationship when I returnedfrom my 13-month deployment
during a very heatedconversation with her.
It, of course, is a veryregretful time, as I made a bad
judgment in a very dark periodof my life.

(09:01):
However, I chose to want towork on our issues in
relationship overall.
In all of her gaslightingconversations she would always
refer to a conversation she hadwith me where she felt I was not
empathetic, to making her feelsecure.
However, keep in mind I was atthe time coming off of not one
but two very long deployments.
At the time, I was not in nogood state of mind to show
empathy, as I have not had timeto adjust to being back in the

(09:23):
States While I'm raw.
She has had plenty ofopportunity to walk away from
the relationship with far lessdrama and chaos as it is today.
In reflecting back, she alwaysdemanded validation.
However, she never validated me, nor did she ever consider what
I was going through, because itwas all about her, with all of
that, my goals in moving forwardis rebuilding me and
rediscovering who I am.
When I reflect on the past, Ithink about how I can be a

(09:46):
better person in a relationship,should I decide to move in that
direction in the future.

Speaker 2 (09:50):
First, thank you, mikey, for sharing that part of
your life.
I do hope our listeners canlearn something from not only
your relationship butunderstanding red flags that
occurs, that are oftenoverlooked.
My experience was a breakupafter a long-term relationship.
I had no-transcript.

(10:10):
I was interviewing a clinicalpsychologist who's an expert in
relationship counseling and shesays breakups and divorces are
tough but they're alsoopportunities for growth.
I agree.

Speaker 3 (10:21):
Glad to be a participant on this topic,
Having done your research duringyour interview.
What are some common emotionalchallenges people face after a
breakup or divorce?

Speaker 2 (10:30):
One of the biggest challenges is the grieving
process.
People often overlook howsimilar it is to losing a loved
one.
There's denial, anger,bargaining, depression and,
eventually, acceptance.
It's crucial to allow yourselfto feel these emotions rather
than suppress them.

Speaker 3 (10:45):
Absolutely, I can relate.
How can someone start to healafter such a significant life
change?

Speaker 2 (10:51):
Healing starts with self-care.
This means prioritizing yourmental and physical health.
Engage in activities that youlove and that make you feel good
about yourself.
It's also helpful to seeksupport, whether through friends
, family or professionalcounseling, for someone who's
just gone through a breakup.
What advice would you give themto positively reflect and learn

(11:13):
from the experience?
Mikey?

Speaker 3 (11:15):
Collecting involves understanding what went wrong
and what worked.
It's important to look at therelationship objectively,
without self-blame or placing itall on your partner.
Identifying patterns can helpyou build healthier
relationships in the future.

Speaker 2 (11:27):
Thank you, Mikey, for your invaluable insights.
Before we go, any last words ofencouragement for our listeners
.

Speaker 3 (11:34):
Certainly remember.
A breakup or divorce is not theend of your story.
It's a chapter that leads tonew beginnings.
Stay open to new experiencesand the possibility of love
again.

Speaker 2 (11:43):
That was an incredibly enlightening
discussion.
Thanks again for joining us onthis episode, Mikey.
We hope this discussion offeredsome comfort and guidance.

Speaker 3 (11:52):
Yes and remember, healing is a journey.
Join us next time on MovingForward, where we'll continue to
explore paths to growth andguidance.
Yes and remember, healing is ajourney.
Join us next time on MovingForward, where we'll continue to
explore paths to growth andhappiness.
Until then, take care and keepmoving forward.
Before we end this podcast, besure to comment and share this
episode by visitingGreatDayRadiocom.
Likewise, we are preparing thefinishing touches to our all-new
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(12:13):
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Speaker 1 (12:21):
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