The striking statistic stops you in your tracks: nearly half of divorced fathers lose regular contact with their children within just two years of separation. But as we discover in this deeply personal and research-driven conversation, the real story runs much deeper than numbers alone.
DJ Mikey D bravely shares his own painful journey of separation from his children following his recent divorce. "It's not the breakup or divorce that hurts," he reveals, "it's the separation of not being a part of my kid's daily life." This raw personal account serves as a gateway to examine the systematic challenges divorced fathers face across America.
We dive into the historical and legal frameworks that have traditionally favored mothers in custody battles, often based on outdated gender roles that fail to reflect modern parenting dynamics. Our discussion explores Dr. Gardner's concept of parental alienation and how subtle behaviors—often unconscious—can severely damage father-child relationships. We unpack research showing the profound impacts: depression and powerlessness for fathers, while children experience academic struggles, behavioral issues, and self-esteem problems that can persist into adulthood.
Yet amid these sobering realities, hope emerges through promising solutions. We examine legal reforms toward shared parenting, effective mediation programs, and public education initiatives that approach these challenges from a new perspective—one that prioritizes children's wellbeing while recognizing the vital role fathers play in healthy development. As DJ DeMarie notes, "It's not just about fixing broken relationships. It's about creating a new framework for how we think about parenting after divorce."
What's your experience with co-parenting after separation? Have you witnessed or experienced parental alienation? Share your story with us at greatdayradio.com by clicking "Let's Talk" and leaving a voicemail. Together, we can work toward better outcomes for children and parents navigating the challenges of post-divorce relationships.
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Episode Transcript
You are listening to the People Station on
GreatDayRadiocom.
Welcome to another Great DayRadio discussion on Relationship
Talk podcast.
I am your host, DJ Mikey D,along with my partner in
knowledge, DJ DeMarie.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Welcome everyone.
This topic really makes me sad.
It is also a reality check as amother.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
Here's something that stopped me in my tracks.
Nearly half of divorced fatherslose regular contact with their
children within just two yearsof separation.
But the real story behind thesenumbers reveals something much
deeper about how our societyviews fatherhood.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
That's such a striking statistic.
What made you start digginginto this particular aspect of
divorce?
Speaker 1 (00:47):
It's personal and sad at the same time.
As you know already, I haverecently divorced and separated
from my kids since December of2024.
It's not the breakup or divorcethat hurts.
It is the separation of notbeing a part of my kid's daily
life.
As time has passed, I getlittle to no contact from my son
(01:09):
or daughter.
I do not blame them, as theyboth have to play the game under
their grandparents and mother'shome.
I have also experienced extremealienation from my adult kid's
mother.
Ironically, she still verballychops me down to them as they
are grown.
For sake of time, let'scontinue the discussion.
Besides my personal dealings,what really caught my attention
(01:33):
was discovering this isn't justabout individual family
breakdowns.
There's this whole historicaland legal framework that's been
stacking the deck againstfathers for decades framework
that's been stacking the deckagainst fathers for decades.
The research shows familycourts have traditionally shown
significant bias towards mothersin custody battles.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
You know what's fascinating about that?
These biases are often based onreally outdated gender roles
that just don't reflect modernparenting dynamics.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Exactly, and here's where it gets really interesting
.
There's this phenomenon calledparental alienation that Dr
Gardner identified back in 1985.
It's where one parent mightunconsciously or intentionally
influence a child against theother parent during or after a
contentious divorce.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Hmm, that must create some pretty complex
psychological dynamics.
How does that typically playout?
Speaker 1 (02:25):
Well, it's like this cascade effect.
The emotional turmoil ofdivorce can trigger these subtle
behaviors, maybe limiting phonecalls, speaking negatively
about the other parent orscheduling conflicts with
visitation and get this.
Research by Johnston and Rosebyshows these actions often
(02:46):
happen without the alienatingparent even realizing what
they're doing.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
That's exactly what makes this issue so challenging
to address, isn't it theunconscious nature of it all?
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Right, and here's where the custodial arrangements
come into play.
Fabricius' research shows thatfathers with limited visitation
rights often feel like they'rewatching their kids' lives from
the sidelines.
It's not just about the timespent together, it's about being
cut out of daily decisions andmeaningful moments.
(03:19):
Fabricius' research is spot onwhen I think about my situation.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
So what do we know about the long-term impacts on
both the fathers and children?
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Fabricius's research is spot on when I think about my
situation.
So what do we know about thelong-term impacts on both the
fathers and children?
Oh man, the data here is prettysobering.
Crux studies show alienatedfathers often experience severe
depression and this overwhelmingsense of powerlessness.
But here's what's reallyconcerning Children in these
situations tend to struggleacademically, show more
behavioral issues and oftendevelop self-esteem problems.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
That reminds me of some research I came across
showing how these effects canpersist well into adulthood for
the children involved.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
You know what's interesting about that?
The impact seems to be cyclical.
These children sometimes growup to have difficulties in their
own relationships and parenting.
But and here's where I see somehope there are some really
promising solutions beingdeveloped.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Like what?
What's actually working toaddress this?
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Well, there's been this push for legal reforms
toward shared parenting.
Some jurisdictions areimplementing what they call
presumptive shared parentinglaws, which start from the
assumption that both parentsshould have equal time with
their children, and Emory'sresearch shows that mediation
(04:42):
can be incredibly effective atminimizing post-divorce conflict
conflict.
In a weekly panel I am a partof, called Father's Voices, held
by Arapahoe County SocialServices, reinforces that
research.
Shout out to David Lawrence andteam who are making these
programs work.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
That's fascinating.
So it's really about changingboth the legal framework and the
way we handle the emotionalaspects of divorce.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Exactly.
And there's this whole publiceducation component too.
Some programs are teachingparents about the impacts of
alienation before the divorceprocess even starts.
It's like preventive medicinefor family relationships.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
You know what strikes me about all this how much our
understanding of father-childrelationships has evolved over
the past few decades.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
That's such a good point.
We've moved from seeing fathersas just financial providers to
recognizing their crucial rolein children's emotional and
social development, but ourlegal and social systems haven't
quite caught up with this newunderstanding.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Well, that gap between understanding and
implementation must create somereal challenges.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
It absolutely does.
But here's what gives me hopewe're seeing more advocacy for
father's rights that's actuallygrounded in child welfare
research.
It's not just about dad'srights anymore.
It's about what's best for thekids.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
That seems like such a crucial shift in perspective.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
You know what's really promising?
The research showing that whenfathers maintain strong
relationships with theirchildren post-divorce, everyone
benefits.
The kids do better in school,have fewer behavioral problems
and show better emotionaladjustment.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
That makes me wonder about the role of technology in
all this, how tools like videocalls and shared calendars might
be helping divorced fathersstay more connected.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
That's an interesting angle I hadn't considered.
These tools are definitelymaking it easier for
non-custodial parents to bepresent in their kids' daily
lives, but they're not asubstitute for addressing the
underlying issues of alienation.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
Speaking of underlying issues, how do
cultural differences play intoall this?
Speaker 1 (06:58):
That's actually one of the most fascinating aspects.
Different cultures have varyingexpectations about fathers'
roles, which can either amplifyor mitigate the alienation
effect.
Some societies are much moresupportive of shared parenting
after divorce.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
It sounds like we're at a real turning point in how
we handle these situations.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
We really are and looking ahead, I think the key
is going to be implementingthese solutions.
We've discussed legal reforms,therapeutic support and public
education in a way that putschildren's needs first, while
recognizing the vital rolefathers play in their
development.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
That's such a thoughtful way to frame it,
focusing on the children's needswhile supporting father
involvement.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Looking back at everything we've discussed, it's
clear that addressing fatheralienation isn't just about
fixing broken relationships.
It's about creating a newframework for how we think about
parenting after divorce, andthat's something that could
benefit generations to come.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
Thank you, mikey, for your insights and research.
Great work.
I do wish you much success atreconnecting with your kiddos.
I know how important they arein your life as you talk about
them daily.
If you would like to comment onthis podcast and or others,
please visit greatdayradiocom,click on let's Talk and leave a
30-second voicemail or two.
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(08:27):
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Stay tuned in for our nextdiscussion about relationship
sabotage and what it looks like.
Until next time, be sure toshare the love.
Thank you for your support.
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