June 15, 2021 • 36 mins
We often find our purpose through our pain. Or are lead to our purpose through our pain. Either way, there's often a strong, deep desire to find meaning through the terrible life experiences we've gone through.
I'm no exception to that, and many of my guests aren't either. Darren created AfterCloud, a "life-tech" app for capturing life's most precious moments and memories to make it both easy to do so, and in the process, create a legacy. It's also used in music therapy and has a lot of potential for many different types of scenarios. I could even see it being used by someone who wishes to document their rehabilitation process and journey after a tragic accident. They can then share their thoughts, feelings, etc., with whomever they choose.
My other guest, Arielle, has found her work in Hospice care to be enriched and deepened by her life experience with grief and loss.
Both guests, including myself, have found a way to turn the page on our grief. When we stop putting one foot in front of the other, that's when we get stuck on the page. We find ourselves ruminating in the story of what happened when we avoid digging into how it made us feel at the time. Furthermore, not delivering the communications to those who have hurt us, only further roots our grief more deeply into our hearts.
The beautiful thing about grief recovery is that it enables grievers to turn the page, address all of those emotions, and deliver those communications without ever speaking to the other person. And, if the person has died, it's still possible! And, to me, that's the amazing gift of grief recovery - it's a means, framework, and evidence-based program for turning the page.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
This episode is sponsored by Do Grief Differently™️, my twelve-week, one-on-one, in-person/online program for grievers who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. Click here to learn new tools, grief education, and the only evidence-based method for moving beyond the pain of grief.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Victoria Volk (00:08):
This is Victoria of the unleashedheart.com and
you're listening to grievingvoices, a podcast for hurting
hearts who desire to be heard.
Or anyone who wants to learn howto better support loved ones
experiencing loss as a 30 plusyear griever. In advanced grief
recovery methods specialist, Iknow how badly the conversation
around grief needs to change.
(00:30):
Through this podcast, I aim toeducate gravers and non gravers
alike, spread hope and inspirecompassion toward those hurting.
Lastly, by providing my heartwith yours and this platform,
Grievers had the opportunity toshare their wisdom and stories
of loss and resiliency. Howabout we talk about grief like
(00:51):
we talked about the weather?
Let's get started. Thank you fortuning in to another episode of
grieving voices. This is Episode51 already. Wow, what a ride it
has been and if you've been withme since the beginning. Thank
you. Thank you. Thank you fortuning in. So today is Episode
51. And it's takeaways andreflections of Episode 49 with
(01:17):
Darren Evans which was lost andlegacy and Episode 50 with
Arielle Arbushites widowed bysuicide at 29, and three times
not a mother. So first, let meget into Episode 49 with Deron
Evans, we talked a lot about hisapp called after cloud that he
(01:42):
had developed with theinspiration of his son and from
their experience of his motherin law and his son's
grandmother. Slowly decliningfrom actually not slowly it was
quite, it was a more rapiddecline because she had Lewy
(02:03):
Body Alzheimer's. And inpreparation for today's episode,
I actually well, and I thinkit's very timely because just in
the last couple days here on thenews, it is now June 8 2021.
This episode will air in a fewdays. But the FDA just recently
(02:26):
approved. It's called a do a dohelm. And it's also known as
adieu botching this totally ADOCanyon Mab. I don't know who can
pronounce these drugs anyway,half the time. Anyway, they just
recently the FDA just recentlyapproved this. And it's the
(02:50):
first of its kind treatmentsince 2003. And it's the first
therapy that actually targetsthe fundamental path though
physiology of the disease, whichaffects 6.2 million people in
the US which I was reallyshocked when I read that number
because I'm like, that's areally high number of people
(03:14):
with this debilitating disease.
It just takes so much fromfamilies and individuals. And
I'm going to link the articlewhere I found that information
in the show notes, so you cancheck that out if you like. But
(03:34):
coming back to Darren Darren'sepisode and his after cloud app.
I mean, it's really being it'sbeing used in the music arts
like music therapy, he said hehad mentioned in his in that
episode, if you haven't listenedto it, he mentioned music
therapists using this with theirpatients to capture these
(04:00):
moments that wouldn't becaptured otherwise, so the
family can see the benefits thatthis therapy music therapy is
the impact it's having in theirloved ones lives. But his story
of how this was born, I think intouch all of us, it's applicable
(04:27):
to all of us because we all loveand we all lose someone
eventually who passes and what abeautiful way to capture
memories and letters. You cansend messages. You can pre plan
(04:47):
messages to be sent on birthdaysand anniversaries and you can
really help to create a memorybank, a scrapbook for family in
essence, a digital scrapbook.
You can even capture in theperson's words and in their
(05:08):
voice. What do they want toexperience at the end of their
life, you know, if they'regetting closer to that time,
especially, you know, terminalpatients. So you have it in
their words there. It's theirvoice sharing, though, you know
if you can have thatconversation, but first, you
have to be able to have thatconversation, right. And I could
(05:30):
probably do a whole episode juston having the difficult
conversation. But I just thinkthat this app is applicable to
so many aspects of our lives, tocapture the joy and the sorrow,
right? everything in between,like Darren says, it's a life
(05:50):
tech app. And, you know, a partof his branding in his messaging
for it is, it's her voice I missthe most, I wish I could hear
her again, I wish I could hearher one more time. And isn't
that what we often say toourselves, after we lose
someone, like, I wish I couldjust hear his voice one more
(06:12):
time or her voice, I would giveanything, right? And like he
said, If you capture it, now,it's there for future
generations, we have it for thefuture. You can leave that
legacy for your loved ones. Ipersonally have downloaded the
app, I did present it to afamily member who, you know, I
(06:38):
think there's some skepticism, Ithink, for some people with
putting information out there onthe web, or in an app or
anything like that. So I dosympathize, and recognize that
for some people, that's not avery comfortable thing to do.
(07:00):
And, you know, perhaps I canbring Darren back in, or what I
can do a blog post follow up,and, and he can share some of
those things. Those objectionsor those concerns that people
might have about that part, youknow, putting all of your stuff,
you know, into an app. I can seewhere that would be a real
(07:23):
concern for some people. But Ithink just like anything, you
have to weigh the benefits withthe cost. And, you know, what is
someone going to do withsomeone's singing happy
birthday? You know, what issomeone going to do with a
picture of you and your lovedone? on vacation? You know, you
(07:50):
can choose to put in at what youwant, it doesn't have to be, you
know, you're not putting in yoursocial security number or
anything like that, you know, sothere are different apps for
that, actually. I have a guestcoming up that shares an app
that's specifically for planningfor disasters, and like, if
(08:11):
something happened to you so andthat is a valid question that
I'm hoping to, you know, sharewith you all as well. But with
after cloud, it really is just alife tech app, just like many of
the apps that we already use, wealways have to put in our
(08:33):
information for that. And, youknow, for many of the apps that
we use, we have to include ordate of birth, and some even
it's kind of freakish, right?
When you when you're scrollingon Instagram, or whatever, and
all of a sudden, you startseeing ads for something that
you like, download it in the AppStore. And it's like, wait, wait
a minute, what someone watchingme, you know, or even having a
(08:54):
conversation with, you know,texting with someone, and all of
a sudden you start seeing ads, Ireally do live in an incredible
technology advanced time. Ican't even imagine what it will
be like years from now. But itcomes with responsibility,
right? And I know that there arepeople wanting to create good
(09:17):
quality, safe apps and otherthings that people can access
that benefit their lives andenrich their lives. And Darren,
and the after cloud app is nodifferent. It's a life enriching
app, maybe as well, instead ofjust a life tech app. There was
(09:40):
another point in theconversation where Darren talked
about this idea that you know,when you go around the band, and
in the UK where he lives backwhen growing up and things he
would hear this term like Goingaround the band, he said that
(10:02):
would be equivalent to going tothe psychiatric hospital. And
it's worth mentioning and notingin this episode because I don't
know that the shame, or thestigma that existed, then or
maybe still does when maybepeople still say around the band
(10:23):
in the UK, I'm not sure. But Ido believe that this shame or
stigma still exists today, inthe US and all over the world.
And I think that's it'swonderful that mental health has
become a topic of discussion, ahuge topic of discussion in
light of COVID-19. And this ideaof mental health, you know, what
(10:47):
if we actually called itemotional health? Because that's
really what it comes down to?
Doesn't it? Like, met like,emotionally, we can have
breakdowns and breakthroughs,right, but, and all of that the
grief and the sorrow and the joyand the pleasure, like all of it
(11:08):
exists and in the same time andall of that embodies emotional
health. So why do we call itmental health? Because we cannot
heal. When we're stuck in ourheads. It is the mental aspect
of healing. That is keeping usstuck. That is keeping so many
(11:32):
people stuck. You cannot healthe heart with the head. So why
do we continue to call it mentalhealth? How about emotional
health? And maybe that's thenext blog post I write or, you
know, my next stick I get on mynext soapbox, I suppose, which I
(11:54):
have been speaking up more aboutthat, you know, let's call it
emotional health. Because Ithink just the word mental. Is I
don't know, it just carries theshame with it. I think too, like
people will use the term mental,like, he's gone mental or she's
(12:17):
mental. Or I feel mental. Like,I feel like I've just, you know,
I feel like you're crazy andgrief. You do? You feel like
you're going crazy. And, youknow, if someone said to you,
how's your mental health? Howare you doing mentally? Like?
Doesn't that feel different thanif you were to say? Well, how
(12:41):
was your heart? And how are youdoing emotionally? It feels
different, doesn't it? When Isay the two and compare the two.
And it's going to because onefeels supported? And one the
person may feel more seen andheard. And the other? If I say
(13:03):
how's your mental health? Howwas how was your mind? How was
your mental state? I would feeljudgment. I would feel
criticism, I would feelanalysis. These are all the
things that Grievers don't wantto feel. But this is often how
(13:24):
society makes Grievers feelcriticized, analyzed and judged.
And so this is where wordsmatter. Words matter. I think we
should just get rid of mentalhealth. We should hashtag
emotional health. That's my newhashtag. Really, I mean, think
(13:47):
about it, right? And I thinkespecially in early dementia,
when it's unknown, what is goingon with someone that especially
if they're younger, because youjust don't expect these
symptoms, you don't expect thosethings you don't expect
Alzheimers in younger people,but it happens. It's you know,
(14:09):
it does, it happens. And youknow, to the outside world, it
could look like they're goingkind of mental. They're kind of
lose it and it's a debilitatingdisease. It's debilitating. And
it robs people of everything.
(14:34):
Everything. And the thing is, isthey know what's happening.
They're very aware of what'shappening. Especially early on,
right? And so I just thinkespecially in
the arena of Alzheimer's, earlyonset Alzheimer's late onset, it
(14:54):
doesn't matter when those earlysymptoms start to show up. It
can be helpful to take a stepback and look at the behaviors
like what are they doing? Arethese repetitive? Is it? Here's
the thing, again, they knowwhat's happening. So no one's
more frustrated than they areright? So you don't have to be
(15:19):
captain obvious. But becausethat makes them feel shamed,
right? that makes them feel likesomething is wrong with them,
which there is, but there's amedical reason. And so it's, I
imagine, it probably takes yearsand years for someone to be
diagnosed. Because for so long,we just, oh, it's part of aging,
(15:39):
you're just getting forgetful.
I'm like, in my early 40s, I cantell you that I forget a lot of
things. And it's often though,when I have so much going on, at
the same time, my energy and myattention is diverted in so many
different directions. It's notany wonder that I become
(16:05):
forgetful. This is different,you know, this is different.
And, yeah, I think if you startputting the cereal in the fridge
time and time again andforgetting where you live,
there's maybe something morethere to explore, you know, but
it's a wonderful thing thatthere is this new advancement in
(16:27):
this drug that can hopefullybring some hope to people.
Because I really think that withsuch a disease like Alzheimer's,
that is so debilitating and candrag on for years and years and
years, to be given a littlesliver of hope that me would
mean so much to people. So ifyou are wanting to capture your
(16:51):
loved ones moments and your ownand create your own legacy in a
digital way, check outmyaftercloud.com. And I will
definitely be putting that inthe show notes as well. Up next,
the episode for takeaways andreflections is Episode 50. Again
(17:11):
with Arielle, and there's aphrase that she mentioned
several times in her episode,and I want to bring some
clarification to it and justmaybe describe and explain it a
little bit more. But shementioned disenfranchised grief,
which actually was a term thatwas coined in the 1980s by
(17:34):
Professor Dr. Kenneth Boca, ordhoka dhoka. I think it is I
can't read my own writing. Buttalk in relation to a divorced
woman whose ex husband had died.
And I think she was a student ofhis or something. I want to
(17:57):
bring up again how the griefrecovery Institute
defines grief and as the loss ofhopes, dreams and expectations,
and anything we wish that wouldhave been or could be different,
better or more. And so when wetalk about disenfranchised
grief, it's usually related to adeath that others may not see as
emotionally significant or likea breakup of a marriage or
(18:21):
relationship or friendship. Andit can relate to our emotional
response to a change in someonewe may have never even met. It
might be the loss of a pet, ahome or a job. It can even
relate to abuse or a personalassault on your body. The list
of things we might grieve areendless. And rather than
(18:45):
creating a new term to describethese things that can be
emotionally impactful. It wouldbe far better if we simply
expanded that establish mindsetabout what grief really is.
Grievers don't need new terms.
They just need to be recognizedas people dealing with loss of
any kind, plain and simple. Newterms don't help people move
(19:09):
through a grieving experience.
And if anything trying to applydifferent terms only adds to the
confusion and conflictingfeelings a Grievers already
experiencing and at best, thisterminology only provides a
label to define the problem, butdoes nothing to solve it. So
(19:30):
when I hear terms likedisenfranchised grief, so when I
hear terms like disenfranchisedgrief, I just want to scream.
It's grief. That's all it is atthe end of the day. It's grief.
It doesn't need any otherbuzzwords or phrases or terms or
anything of the like is likeI've mentioned it does nothing
(19:52):
to solve what's really going on.
And that's my take on the wholething actually it's my the grief
recovery Institute take ondisenfranchised grief and other
terms about actually have a blogpost talking about these
different terms. And I will linkto it in the show notes. Because
I really think it's importantthat we call it for what it is.
And it's just four letters. It'sall we need. We don't need
(20:18):
anything else. Because it's allthese terms and everything
that's really keeping peoplestuck, I think too. Circling
back to my conversation withArielle disenfranchise grieve
came up because of her personalexperience of losing her spouse
at the age of 29 to suicide andshe had that experience of
(20:41):
feeling it was disenfranchisedgrief, because, you know, it's
often minimized, especially inthe case of suicide. It at one
point in the interview with hershe mentioned something about,
you know, did you people wouldsay, did you notice anything?
Like they would say, did younotice anything but what she
heard was, what they might aswell have said instead was
(21:03):
didn't you notice anythingalmost like, well, I must have
done, you know, to internalize,and I can imagine how that would
feel like I must, then I mustfeel like I did something wrong,
right? because I didn't noticeanything, I got, implying that I
should have noticed something,righ? Like, it's implying that I
was wrong in some way, like, Idid something wrong in not
(21:26):
noticing. So I totally heardthat loud and clear. And I think
that can be the experience formany people. And when it comes
to suicide, unfortunately forher, she worked in the space of
hospice and end of life andthings like that. And so the
people that work in that space,have that level of compassion,
(21:51):
because they, you know, they seedeath and work around death on a
regular basis. And she did saythat was a very good environment
for her to be in as she wasnavigating that loss. But also,
later, when she ended up havingthree miscarriages, all very
different miscarriages, too, Ihighly recommend listening to
(22:16):
the episode because she reallydoes explain how different each
loss of those babies were, andthe different impact they had.
And we talked a lot to alsoabout how women who are
experiencing and even couples,even even the significant other
(22:40):
who are going through that typeof loss, how there needs to be
more compassion brought to thatexperience. You know, like she
mentioned in the episode, you goto pay your copay, and you just
had to, you know, deliver a babythat was not going to be going
home with you, right? And, butthen you got to go to the front
desk and pay your copay, andthere's all these women with
(23:02):
their big bellies, and happy andyou know, there just needs to be
more compassion and maybe adifferent method of care for
someone who is just experienceda loss, maybe for the second,
third, fourth time. Becausegrief is cumulative. And it's
(23:23):
cumulatively negative, and everysingle loss stacks up on each
other. And what really, shetalked about what really got her
through, was starting to writein when her she lost her
husband. That's what she starteda blog A week later, and she
blogged for every day for 365days. And she still continues to
(23:46):
write. And it's really been atherapeutic way for her to work
through what she had beenfeeling. And also, more
importantly to I think, areequally important is to
communicate to her family andloved ones, what she was going
through and what she needed, andwhat how others could support
(24:08):
her. And because if you thinkabout it, it's a lot easier to
write that out on a blog andsay, Hey, read this. And you'll
know where I'm at, rather thanhaving to repeat yourself over
and over and over. Just oneplace that you can point people
to. Yeah, that's where you pouryour heart out. And I'm not
(24:32):
saying y'all have to start ablog. I'm a writer too. And so
that resonates with me, that'skind of what I did too. And, but
it is very therapeutic. Andmaybe it's not writing a blog,
maybe it's, you know, that's whyyou see a lot of people too that
turn to Facebook, and differentgroups like that to share and
(24:55):
open up and all of those things.
And that can be great. Butwhat's different about social
media and that dynamic is justlike in when you're at the
grocery store, just like whenyou go into the post office,
you're gonna run into people whoaren't prepared to hear what you
have to say, who maybe don'twant to hear what you have to
(25:17):
say, who maybe hear what youhave to say, but then say the
wrong thing or don't know whatto say. And so they say
something hurtful or harmful.
Ultimately, you have to findwhat works for you, what feels
good to you. And you know, whenthere are harmful things that
can make you feel better, butaren't very good for you either.
(25:39):
And that's those are sterbsshort term energy relieving
behaviors, which I've mentioned,in an episode, I have a whole
episode devoted sterbs. Butblogging and writing was a
healthy outlet for her. And Iwant to bring up to and this is
the point that she brought upand I want to highlight also
(26:01):
because there are peoplelistening who may not have
access, he may not haveinternet, he may not have access
to resources and poor people, ororganizations, or certain books
or whatever it may be. I mean,there's privilege in finding
things. And in being able tofind things that help you heal.
(26:25):
And obviously, as a mastersocial worker, Arielle had the
tools and the access and theeducation for things that would
help her emotionally and feelsupported when she was going
through those losses. And forthose that don't have that
education backing, you have tolook for it, you have to find it
(26:48):
elsewhere. And I know I did. Ihad hired a life coach at one
point. And again, there'sprivilege and even saying that,
right? So I think there is anespecially to coming back to
emotional health. It's trying tocreate access, and means for
(27:13):
people tolearn, and grow and educate
themselves. This is, I mean,even just this podcast is my way
of sharing and giving back forfree. I give it freely. I bring
people on the podcast who have,you know, some terrible
(27:35):
experiences in their lives whohave turned their lives around
to bring hope to other people. Idon't take sponsorships, I, you
know, this podcast doesn't payme in monetary, you know, ways,
but I, I get so much back fromit emotionally and just feeling
(27:56):
fulfilled. And I just reallyenjoy it. And I like connecting
with people one on one andhearing their stories and
sharing their stories, andcreating the graphics and
writing, you know, the shownotes and I do all of that. I
pour my heart and soul into thisbecause I really feel the
message is important. And manypeople have a cellphone, most
(28:23):
people have a cellphone. That'sthe one thing a lot of people
have. And so if you have acellphone, you have access to
podcasts, right? And there areso many podcasts out there,
there's so much free educationout there, it's blows my mind.
And that's another incrediblething of the time we live in.
(28:44):
And if you don't have internetat home, you can go to your
public library, you can accessblog posts, you can listen to
podcasts, I think probably toeven at the library, there's so
many points of access, I thinkthat people don't consider as a
way to educate and learn andgrow and learn from others. So I
(29:09):
think that, yes, access toemotional health resources is a
problem. I do feel like maybe itjust takes a little out of the
box thinking to find thoseresources. Or in maybe it's a
part of it is just educatingpeople on where they can find
(29:31):
those resources. So check outyour local library. And I'm
going to bring a podcast againbecause I know you're listening
to this but I didn't startlistening to podcast probably
until within the past year and ahalf. And I'm kind of hooked
although I do love crime. TrueCrime podcast crime junkie is
(29:53):
one of my favorites. And butyes, there's so much I mean you
can look up any so manydifferent topics, YouTube, I
mean, yeah, the library ofinternet resources is abundant.
So, and yes, not all resourcesare good, not all resources are
(30:17):
probably helpful. But findsomething that resonates with
you and find more of it. Yeah, Ithink the informations out
there, sometimes we just need toget a little creative on on
where we're looking. That's myrant on that. I do just want to
(30:39):
share one thing that if youhaven't listened to our rails
podcast episode yet, I'm justgoing to read this one portion
of what she had said, we onlysee the moment that we're in the
page that we're on. And I wasreally stuck there on those
(31:00):
particular pages of grief for along time, not understanding
that the pages would flip. Andat some point, I would be
feeling differently. And this iswhat happens to so many
Grievers. We get stuck on thepage, we can't see a future
ahead. It's unknown. So it'sscary. We don't know how we're
(31:25):
going to go on without thatperson. Or if it's an less than
loving relationship, we don'tknow how to move on with that
person. That can be grief, too.
And we get stuck there. Andactually, just this week, I had
(31:46):
a client of mine share, talktalking about
a group that that they're in,and how, especially for men,
it's not particularly acceptableto share your emotions and share
how you're feeling and expressyourself and talk about grief.
And, and, you know, I just hadto say, Well, those aren't your
(32:08):
people, you got to find yourpeople, you got to find those
that support you. But also to ashared, you know, we do get to a
point, when we don't feel likewe have to share all of that
stuff, like we used to, we getto a point where the emotion has
(32:28):
been addressed. So thereforewe're not, we don't have that
same emotional response, when westart talking and telling the
story. That's what healing is.
That's when you know, you'rehealing, when you can talk about
it. And you don't end up a pileof mess on the floor. You can
talk about it, and you don't getpulled into the past and start
(32:49):
crying and you know, gettingemotional and feeling those same
old familiar feelings that youwere so used to feeling because
you felt them day in and day outfor so long. That's what healing
is, when you get to the pointwhere that's not the same
reaction. That's not the samepattern of behavior. That's when
(33:11):
you know you've been doing thework. And the only way you get
past that the only way you canget through that. The only way
that you can have a conversationin the future and not be pulled
back into those same responsesis by doing the work. That's it,
that's you have to do the work.
(33:36):
And that's what grief recoveryis grief recovery is addressing
the grief, the four letter wordthat is given all kinds of
labels, that is only thought tobe just about death. But there's
so much more as long as we aretreating people like they are in
(33:59):
a mental health crisis. Or aslong as we're treating the
mental health crisis, like amental problem, like a logical
problem, like a brain problem.
We're not going to seesolutions. We're not going to
see progress. And we're notgoing to see people getting
emotionally well. If thismessage today resonates with
you, I don't want you to losehope. Don't lose hope. Look to
(34:22):
your community for resources,people that you know, for the
support, find your people. findwhat works for you, that help
that can help you heal becauseyour future depends on it. Even
if you don't have a master'sdegree, or have developed a
(34:43):
really amazing app, your lifehas purpose. And we often find
our purpose in our pain, such askeep putting one foot in front
of the other. Just keep Movingforward every day, little by
little. Because just like griefis cumulative, and it's
(35:06):
cumulatively negative. So ishealing. So everything that
you're doing, to move yourselfforward, that's cumulative, too,
but in a good positive way. Sokeep doing those things. And
remember, you always have thispodcast to come back to. There's
tons of other grief podcasts outthere to inspire and to help you
(35:28):
feel like you're part of acommunity. Because grievers are
everywhere. We're everywherebecause grief is everywhere. You
just never know what the personwalking by you on the street is
going through. Alright, well,those are my takeaways and
reflections for Episode 51. AndI feel like I was all over the
(35:53):
place, but I hope it was helpfuland that you took something good
from it. Yeah, just thank youfor being here. Thank you for
listening. And remember, whenyou unleash your heart, you
unleash your life. Much love.
From my heart to yours, thankyou for listening. If you liked
(36:16):
this episode, please share itbecause Sharing is caring. And
until next time, give and sharecompassion by being hurt with
yours. And if you're hurtingknow that what you're feeling is
normal and natural. Much love myfriend.
This is Victoria of the unleashedheart.com and
you're listening to grievingvoices, a podcast for hurting
hearts who desire to be heard.
Or anyone who wants to learn howto better support loved ones
experiencing loss as a 30 plusyear griever. In advanced grief
recovery methods specialist, Iknow how badly the conversation
around grief needs to change.
(00:30):
Through this podcast, I aim toeducate gravers and non gravers
alike, spread hope and inspirecompassion toward those hurting.
Lastly, by providing my heartwith yours and this platform,
Grievers had the opportunity toshare their wisdom and stories
of loss and resiliency. Howabout we talk about grief like
(00:51):
we talked about the weather?
Let's get started. Thank you fortuning in to another episode of
grieving voices. This is Episode51 already. Wow, what a ride it
has been and if you've been withme since the beginning. Thank
you. Thank you. Thank you fortuning in. So today is Episode
51. And it's takeaways andreflections of Episode 49 with
(01:17):
Darren Evans which was lost andlegacy and Episode 50 with
Arielle Arbushites widowed bysuicide at 29, and three times
not a mother. So first, let meget into Episode 49 with Deron
Evans, we talked a lot about hisapp called after cloud that he
(01:42):
had developed with theinspiration of his son and from
their experience of his motherin law and his son's
grandmother. Slowly decliningfrom actually not slowly it was
quite, it was a more rapiddecline because she had Lewy
(02:03):
Body Alzheimer's. And inpreparation for today's episode,
I actually well, and I thinkit's very timely because just in
the last couple days here on thenews, it is now June 8 2021.
This episode will air in a fewdays. But the FDA just recently
(02:26):
approved. It's called a do a dohelm. And it's also known as
adieu botching this totally ADOCanyon Mab. I don't know who can
pronounce these drugs anyway,half the time. Anyway, they just
recently the FDA just recentlyapproved this. And it's the
(02:50):
first of its kind treatmentsince 2003. And it's the first
therapy that actually targetsthe fundamental path though
physiology of the disease, whichaffects 6.2 million people in
the US which I was reallyshocked when I read that number
because I'm like, that's areally high number of people
(03:14):
with this debilitating disease.
It just takes so much fromfamilies and individuals. And
I'm going to link the articlewhere I found that information
in the show notes, so you cancheck that out if you like. But
(03:34):
coming back to Darren Darren'sepisode and his after cloud app.
I mean, it's really being it'sbeing used in the music arts
like music therapy, he said hehad mentioned in his in that
episode, if you haven't listenedto it, he mentioned music
therapists using this with theirpatients to capture these
(04:00):
moments that wouldn't becaptured otherwise, so the
family can see the benefits thatthis therapy music therapy is
the impact it's having in theirloved ones lives. But his story
of how this was born, I think intouch all of us, it's applicable
(04:27):
to all of us because we all loveand we all lose someone
eventually who passes and what abeautiful way to capture
memories and letters. You cansend messages. You can pre plan
(04:47):
messages to be sent on birthdaysand anniversaries and you can
really help to create a memorybank, a scrapbook for family in
essence, a digital scrapbook.
You can even capture in theperson's words and in their
(05:08):
voice. What do they want toexperience at the end of their
life, you know, if they'regetting closer to that time,
especially, you know, terminalpatients. So you have it in
their words there. It's theirvoice sharing, though, you know
if you can have thatconversation, but first, you
have to be able to have thatconversation, right. And I could
(05:30):
probably do a whole episode juston having the difficult
conversation. But I just thinkthat this app is applicable to
so many aspects of our lives, tocapture the joy and the sorrow,
right? everything in between,like Darren says, it's a life
(05:50):
tech app. And, you know, a partof his branding in his messaging
for it is, it's her voice I missthe most, I wish I could hear
her again, I wish I could hearher one more time. And isn't
that what we often say toourselves, after we lose
someone, like, I wish I couldjust hear his voice one more
(06:12):
time or her voice, I would giveanything, right? And like he
said, If you capture it, now,it's there for future
generations, we have it for thefuture. You can leave that
legacy for your loved ones. Ipersonally have downloaded the
app, I did present it to afamily member who, you know, I
(06:38):
think there's some skepticism, Ithink, for some people with
putting information out there onthe web, or in an app or
anything like that. So I dosympathize, and recognize that
for some people, that's not avery comfortable thing to do.
(07:00):
And, you know, perhaps I canbring Darren back in, or what I
can do a blog post follow up,and, and he can share some of
those things. Those objectionsor those concerns that people
might have about that part, youknow, putting all of your stuff,
you know, into an app. I can seewhere that would be a real
(07:23):
concern for some people. But Ithink just like anything, you
have to weigh the benefits withthe cost. And, you know, what is
someone going to do withsomeone's singing happy
birthday? You know, what issomeone going to do with a
picture of you and your lovedone? on vacation? You know, you
(07:50):
can choose to put in at what youwant, it doesn't have to be, you
know, you're not putting in yoursocial security number or
anything like that, you know, sothere are different apps for
that, actually. I have a guestcoming up that shares an app
that's specifically for planningfor disasters, and like, if
(08:11):
something happened to you so andthat is a valid question that
I'm hoping to, you know, sharewith you all as well. But with
after cloud, it really is just alife tech app, just like many of
the apps that we already use, wealways have to put in our
(08:33):
information for that. And, youknow, for many of the apps that
we use, we have to include ordate of birth, and some even
it's kind of freakish, right?
When you when you're scrollingon Instagram, or whatever, and
all of a sudden, you startseeing ads for something that
you like, download it in the AppStore. And it's like, wait, wait
a minute, what someone watchingme, you know, or even having a
(08:54):
conversation with, you know,texting with someone, and all of
a sudden you start seeing ads, Ireally do live in an incredible
technology advanced time. Ican't even imagine what it will
be like years from now. But itcomes with responsibility,
right? And I know that there arepeople wanting to create good
(09:17):
quality, safe apps and otherthings that people can access
that benefit their lives andenrich their lives. And Darren,
and the after cloud app is nodifferent. It's a life enriching
app, maybe as well, instead ofjust a life tech app. There was
(09:40):
another point in theconversation where Darren talked
about this idea that you know,when you go around the band, and
in the UK where he lives backwhen growing up and things he
would hear this term like Goingaround the band, he said that
(10:02):
would be equivalent to going tothe psychiatric hospital. And
it's worth mentioning and notingin this episode because I don't
know that the shame, or thestigma that existed, then or
maybe still does when maybepeople still say around the band
(10:23):
in the UK, I'm not sure. But Ido believe that this shame or
stigma still exists today, inthe US and all over the world.
And I think that's it'swonderful that mental health has
become a topic of discussion, ahuge topic of discussion in
light of COVID-19. And this ideaof mental health, you know, what
(10:47):
if we actually called itemotional health? Because that's
really what it comes down to?
Doesn't it? Like, met like,emotionally, we can have
breakdowns and breakthroughs,right, but, and all of that the
grief and the sorrow and the joyand the pleasure, like all of it
(11:08):
exists and in the same time andall of that embodies emotional
health. So why do we call itmental health? Because we cannot
heal. When we're stuck in ourheads. It is the mental aspect
of healing. That is keeping usstuck. That is keeping so many
(11:32):
people stuck. You cannot healthe heart with the head. So why
do we continue to call it mentalhealth? How about emotional
health? And maybe that's thenext blog post I write or, you
know, my next stick I get on mynext soapbox, I suppose, which I
(11:54):
have been speaking up more aboutthat, you know, let's call it
emotional health. Because Ithink just the word mental. Is I
don't know, it just carries theshame with it. I think too, like
people will use the term mental,like, he's gone mental or she's
(12:17):
mental. Or I feel mental. Like,I feel like I've just, you know,
I feel like you're crazy andgrief. You do? You feel like
you're going crazy. And, youknow, if someone said to you,
how's your mental health? Howare you doing mentally? Like?
Doesn't that feel different thanif you were to say? Well, how
(12:41):
was your heart? And how are youdoing emotionally? It feels
different, doesn't it? When Isay the two and compare the two.
And it's going to because onefeels supported? And one the
person may feel more seen andheard. And the other? If I say
(13:03):
how's your mental health? Howwas how was your mind? How was
your mental state? I would feeljudgment. I would feel
criticism, I would feelanalysis. These are all the
things that Grievers don't wantto feel. But this is often how
(13:24):
society makes Grievers feelcriticized, analyzed and judged.
And so this is where wordsmatter. Words matter. I think we
should just get rid of mentalhealth. We should hashtag
emotional health. That's my newhashtag. Really, I mean, think
(13:47):
about it, right? And I thinkespecially in early dementia,
when it's unknown, what is goingon with someone that especially
if they're younger, because youjust don't expect these
symptoms, you don't expect thosethings you don't expect
Alzheimers in younger people,but it happens. It's you know,
(14:09):
it does, it happens. And youknow, to the outside world, it
could look like they're goingkind of mental. They're kind of
lose it and it's a debilitatingdisease. It's debilitating. And
it robs people of everything.
(14:34):
Everything. And the thing is, isthey know what's happening.
They're very aware of what'shappening. Especially early on,
right? And so I just thinkespecially in
the arena of Alzheimer's, earlyonset Alzheimer's late onset, it
(14:54):
doesn't matter when those earlysymptoms start to show up. It
can be helpful to take a stepback and look at the behaviors
like what are they doing? Arethese repetitive? Is it? Here's
the thing, again, they knowwhat's happening. So no one's
more frustrated than they areright? So you don't have to be
(15:19):
captain obvious. But becausethat makes them feel shamed,
right? that makes them feel likesomething is wrong with them,
which there is, but there's amedical reason. And so it's, I
imagine, it probably takes yearsand years for someone to be
diagnosed. Because for so long,we just, oh, it's part of aging,
(15:39):
you're just getting forgetful.
I'm like, in my early 40s, I cantell you that I forget a lot of
things. And it's often though,when I have so much going on, at
the same time, my energy and myattention is diverted in so many
different directions. It's notany wonder that I become
(16:05):
forgetful. This is different,you know, this is different.
And, yeah, I think if you startputting the cereal in the fridge
time and time again andforgetting where you live,
there's maybe something morethere to explore, you know, but
it's a wonderful thing thatthere is this new advancement in
(16:27):
this drug that can hopefullybring some hope to people.
Because I really think that withsuch a disease like Alzheimer's,
that is so debilitating and candrag on for years and years and
years, to be given a littlesliver of hope that me would
mean so much to people. So ifyou are wanting to capture your
(16:51):
loved ones moments and your ownand create your own legacy in a
digital way, check outmyaftercloud.com. And I will
definitely be putting that inthe show notes as well. Up next,
the episode for takeaways andreflections is Episode 50. Again
(17:11):
with Arielle, and there's aphrase that she mentioned
several times in her episode,and I want to bring some
clarification to it and justmaybe describe and explain it a
little bit more. But shementioned disenfranchised grief,
which actually was a term thatwas coined in the 1980s by
(17:34):
Professor Dr. Kenneth Boca, ordhoka dhoka. I think it is I
can't read my own writing. Buttalk in relation to a divorced
woman whose ex husband had died.
And I think she was a student ofhis or something. I want to
(17:57):
bring up again how the griefrecovery Institute
defines grief and as the loss ofhopes, dreams and expectations,
and anything we wish that wouldhave been or could be different,
better or more. And so when wetalk about disenfranchised
grief, it's usually related to adeath that others may not see as
emotionally significant or likea breakup of a marriage or
(18:21):
relationship or friendship. Andit can relate to our emotional
response to a change in someonewe may have never even met. It
might be the loss of a pet, ahome or a job. It can even
relate to abuse or a personalassault on your body. The list
of things we might grieve areendless. And rather than
(18:45):
creating a new term to describethese things that can be
emotionally impactful. It wouldbe far better if we simply
expanded that establish mindsetabout what grief really is.
Grievers don't need new terms.
They just need to be recognizedas people dealing with loss of
any kind, plain and simple. Newterms don't help people move
(19:09):
through a grieving experience.
And if anything trying to applydifferent terms only adds to the
confusion and conflictingfeelings a Grievers already
experiencing and at best, thisterminology only provides a
label to define the problem, butdoes nothing to solve it. So
(19:30):
when I hear terms likedisenfranchised grief, so when I
hear terms like disenfranchisedgrief, I just want to scream.
It's grief. That's all it is atthe end of the day. It's grief.
It doesn't need any otherbuzzwords or phrases or terms or
anything of the like is likeI've mentioned it does nothing
(19:52):
to solve what's really going on.
And that's my take on the wholething actually it's my the grief
recovery Institute take ondisenfranchised grief and other
terms about actually have a blogpost talking about these
different terms. And I will linkto it in the show notes. Because
I really think it's importantthat we call it for what it is.
And it's just four letters. It'sall we need. We don't need
(20:18):
anything else. Because it's allthese terms and everything
that's really keeping peoplestuck, I think too. Circling
back to my conversation withArielle disenfranchise grieve
came up because of her personalexperience of losing her spouse
at the age of 29 to suicide andshe had that experience of
(20:41):
feeling it was disenfranchisedgrief, because, you know, it's
often minimized, especially inthe case of suicide. It at one
point in the interview with hershe mentioned something about,
you know, did you people wouldsay, did you notice anything?
Like they would say, did younotice anything but what she
heard was, what they might aswell have said instead was
(21:03):
didn't you notice anythingalmost like, well, I must have
done, you know, to internalize,and I can imagine how that would
feel like I must, then I mustfeel like I did something wrong,
right? because I didn't noticeanything, I got, implying that I
should have noticed something,righ? Like, it's implying that I
was wrong in some way, like, Idid something wrong in not
(21:26):
noticing. So I totally heardthat loud and clear. And I think
that can be the experience formany people. And when it comes
to suicide, unfortunately forher, she worked in the space of
hospice and end of life andthings like that. And so the
people that work in that space,have that level of compassion,
(21:51):
because they, you know, they seedeath and work around death on a
regular basis. And she did saythat was a very good environment
for her to be in as she wasnavigating that loss. But also,
later, when she ended up havingthree miscarriages, all very
different miscarriages, too, Ihighly recommend listening to
(22:16):
the episode because she reallydoes explain how different each
loss of those babies were, andthe different impact they had.
And we talked a lot to alsoabout how women who are
experiencing and even couples,even even the significant other
(22:40):
who are going through that typeof loss, how there needs to be
more compassion brought to thatexperience. You know, like she
mentioned in the episode, you goto pay your copay, and you just
had to, you know, deliver a babythat was not going to be going
home with you, right? And, butthen you got to go to the front
desk and pay your copay, andthere's all these women with
(23:02):
their big bellies, and happy andyou know, there just needs to be
more compassion and maybe adifferent method of care for
someone who is just experienceda loss, maybe for the second,
third, fourth time. Becausegrief is cumulative. And it's
(23:23):
cumulatively negative, and everysingle loss stacks up on each
other. And what really, shetalked about what really got her
through, was starting to writein when her she lost her
husband. That's what she starteda blog A week later, and she
blogged for every day for 365days. And she still continues to
(23:46):
write. And it's really been atherapeutic way for her to work
through what she had beenfeeling. And also, more
importantly to I think, areequally important is to
communicate to her family andloved ones, what she was going
through and what she needed, andwhat how others could support
(24:08):
her. And because if you thinkabout it, it's a lot easier to
write that out on a blog andsay, Hey, read this. And you'll
know where I'm at, rather thanhaving to repeat yourself over
and over and over. Just oneplace that you can point people
to. Yeah, that's where you pouryour heart out. And I'm not
(24:32):
saying y'all have to start ablog. I'm a writer too. And so
that resonates with me, that'skind of what I did too. And, but
it is very therapeutic. Andmaybe it's not writing a blog,
maybe it's, you know, that's whyyou see a lot of people too that
turn to Facebook, and differentgroups like that to share and
(24:55):
open up and all of those things.
And that can be great. Butwhat's different about social
media and that dynamic is justlike in when you're at the
grocery store, just like whenyou go into the post office,
you're gonna run into people whoaren't prepared to hear what you
have to say, who maybe don'twant to hear what you have to
(25:17):
say, who maybe hear what youhave to say, but then say the
wrong thing or don't know whatto say. And so they say
something hurtful or harmful.
Ultimately, you have to findwhat works for you, what feels
good to you. And you know, whenthere are harmful things that
can make you feel better, butaren't very good for you either.
(25:39):
And that's those are sterbsshort term energy relieving
behaviors, which I've mentioned,in an episode, I have a whole
episode devoted sterbs. Butblogging and writing was a
healthy outlet for her. And Iwant to bring up to and this is
the point that she brought upand I want to highlight also
(26:01):
because there are peoplelistening who may not have
access, he may not haveinternet, he may not have access
to resources and poor people, ororganizations, or certain books
or whatever it may be. I mean,there's privilege in finding
things. And in being able tofind things that help you heal.
(26:25):
And obviously, as a mastersocial worker, Arielle had the
tools and the access and theeducation for things that would
help her emotionally and feelsupported when she was going
through those losses. And forthose that don't have that
education backing, you have tolook for it, you have to find it
(26:48):
elsewhere. And I know I did. Ihad hired a life coach at one
point. And again, there'sprivilege and even saying that,
right? So I think there is anespecially to coming back to
emotional health. It's trying tocreate access, and means for
(27:13):
people tolearn, and grow and educate
themselves. This is, I mean,even just this podcast is my way
of sharing and giving back forfree. I give it freely. I bring
people on the podcast who have,you know, some terrible
(27:35):
experiences in their lives whohave turned their lives around
to bring hope to other people. Idon't take sponsorships, I, you
know, this podcast doesn't payme in monetary, you know, ways,
but I, I get so much back fromit emotionally and just feeling
(27:56):
fulfilled. And I just reallyenjoy it. And I like connecting
with people one on one andhearing their stories and
sharing their stories, andcreating the graphics and
writing, you know, the shownotes and I do all of that. I
pour my heart and soul into thisbecause I really feel the
message is important. And manypeople have a cellphone, most
(28:23):
people have a cellphone. That'sthe one thing a lot of people
have. And so if you have acellphone, you have access to
podcasts, right? And there areso many podcasts out there,
there's so much free educationout there, it's blows my mind.
And that's another incrediblething of the time we live in.
(28:44):
And if you don't have internetat home, you can go to your
public library, you can accessblog posts, you can listen to
podcasts, I think probably toeven at the library, there's so
many points of access, I thinkthat people don't consider as a
way to educate and learn andgrow and learn from others. So I
(29:09):
think that, yes, access toemotional health resources is a
problem. I do feel like maybe itjust takes a little out of the
box thinking to find thoseresources. Or in maybe it's a
part of it is just educatingpeople on where they can find
(29:31):
those resources. So check outyour local library. And I'm
going to bring a podcast againbecause I know you're listening
to this but I didn't startlistening to podcast probably
until within the past year and ahalf. And I'm kind of hooked
although I do love crime. TrueCrime podcast crime junkie is
(29:53):
one of my favorites. And butyes, there's so much I mean you
can look up any so manydifferent topics, YouTube, I
mean, yeah, the library ofinternet resources is abundant.
So, and yes, not all resourcesare good, not all resources are
(30:17):
probably helpful. But findsomething that resonates with
you and find more of it. Yeah, Ithink the informations out
there, sometimes we just need toget a little creative on on
where we're looking. That's myrant on that. I do just want to
(30:39):
share one thing that if youhaven't listened to our rails
podcast episode yet, I'm justgoing to read this one portion
of what she had said, we onlysee the moment that we're in the
page that we're on. And I wasreally stuck there on those
(31:00):
particular pages of grief for along time, not understanding
that the pages would flip. Andat some point, I would be
feeling differently. And this iswhat happens to so many
Grievers. We get stuck on thepage, we can't see a future
ahead. It's unknown. So it'sscary. We don't know how we're
(31:25):
going to go on without thatperson. Or if it's an less than
loving relationship, we don'tknow how to move on with that
person. That can be grief, too.
And we get stuck there. Andactually, just this week, I had
(31:46):
a client of mine share, talktalking about
a group that that they're in,and how, especially for men,
it's not particularly acceptableto share your emotions and share
how you're feeling and expressyourself and talk about grief.
And, and, you know, I just hadto say, Well, those aren't your
(32:08):
people, you got to find yourpeople, you got to find those
that support you. But also to ashared, you know, we do get to a
point, when we don't feel likewe have to share all of that
stuff, like we used to, we getto a point where the emotion has
(32:28):
been addressed. So thereforewe're not, we don't have that
same emotional response, when westart talking and telling the
story. That's what healing is.
That's when you know, you'rehealing, when you can talk about
it. And you don't end up a pileof mess on the floor. You can
talk about it, and you don't getpulled into the past and start
(32:49):
crying and you know, gettingemotional and feeling those same
old familiar feelings that youwere so used to feeling because
you felt them day in and day outfor so long. That's what healing
is, when you get to the pointwhere that's not the same
reaction. That's not the samepattern of behavior. That's when
(33:11):
you know you've been doing thework. And the only way you get
past that the only way you canget through that. The only way
that you can have a conversationin the future and not be pulled
back into those same responsesis by doing the work. That's it,
that's you have to do the work.
(33:36):
And that's what grief recoveryis grief recovery is addressing
the grief, the four letter wordthat is given all kinds of
labels, that is only thought tobe just about death. But there's
so much more as long as we aretreating people like they are in
(33:59):
a mental health crisis. Or aslong as we're treating the
mental health crisis, like amental problem, like a logical
problem, like a brain problem.
We're not going to seesolutions. We're not going to
see progress. And we're notgoing to see people getting
emotionally well. If thismessage today resonates with
you, I don't want you to losehope. Don't lose hope. Look to
(34:22):
your community for resources,people that you know, for the
support, find your people. findwhat works for you, that help
that can help you heal becauseyour future depends on it. Even
if you don't have a master'sdegree, or have developed a
(34:43):
really amazing app, your lifehas purpose. And we often find
our purpose in our pain, such askeep putting one foot in front
of the other. Just keep Movingforward every day, little by
little. Because just like griefis cumulative, and it's
(35:06):
cumulatively negative. So ishealing. So everything that
you're doing, to move yourselfforward, that's cumulative, too,
but in a good positive way. Sokeep doing those things. And
remember, you always have thispodcast to come back to. There's
tons of other grief podcasts outthere to inspire and to help you
(35:28):
feel like you're part of acommunity. Because grievers are
everywhere. We're everywherebecause grief is everywhere. You
just never know what the personwalking by you on the street is
going through. Alright, well,those are my takeaways and
reflections for Episode 51. AndI feel like I was all over the
(35:53):
place, but I hope it was helpfuland that you took something good
from it. Yeah, just thank youfor being here. Thank you for
listening. And remember, whenyou unleash your heart, you
unleash your life. Much love.
From my heart to yours, thankyou for listening. If you liked
(36:16):
this episode, please share itbecause Sharing is caring. And
until next time, give and sharecompassion by being hurt with
yours. And if you're hurtingknow that what you're feeling is
normal and natural. Much love myfriend.
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