September 7, 2021 • 30 mins
Through the challenges and struggles of life, we often find our strength and learn what we're capable of as we search for meaning in our pain.
This episode shares two stories of the tenacity it took to dig deep, while also acknowledging the need for help and support and seeking it for themselves.
Rachel battled with her husband for two years as he fought hard to beat his cancer, only to lose his fight to ALL (acute lymphoblastic leukemia) in the end.
Eric battled the struggle of guilt after finding his daughter after she took her own life when she was 15.
Two very different stories but similar in how the human spirit is capable of finding strength through struggle.
It is my hope that Rachel and Eric's stories, although very different experiences, help you to see yourself through their struggle. And that you, too, feel hopeful that you can find your strength on the other side of the struggle.
RESOURCES:
- Ep. 61 | Rachel Engstrom
- Ep. 62 | Eric Hodgdon
- Rachel's Book
- Eric's Book
- The Five Minute Journal
- Free Energy Quiz
- Bi-Weekly Newsletter
______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message.
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
This episode is sponsored by Do Grief Differently™️, my twelve-week, one-on-one, in-person/online program for grievers who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. Click here to learn new tools, grief education, and the only evidence-based method for moving beyond the pain of grief.
Would you like to join the mission of Grieving Voices in normalizing grief and supporting hurting hearts everywhere? Become a sup...
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Victoria Volk (00:00):
Hello, and welcome to grieving voices. I am
(00:03):
your host, Victoria Volk of theunleashed heart and thank you
for being here. Today, before Iget into the episodes I'm going
to be talking about, I just wantto share about an energy quiz
that I've launched a littlewhile back. And if you haven't
gone to my website,theunleashedheart.com, you can
(00:25):
find a link for that either onthe top banner, or it should pop
up at some point. And it takesless than 90 seconds, it has 10
questions and at the end you'lldiscover your energy type, and
what to do with it, and how tonurture your energy type, what
(00:48):
drains it, all of that stuff. Ithink it's a very informative
quiz, and the results are veryinformative. And I think it
would be beneficial and helpfulespecially for Grievers who
often feel their energy beingdrained. And so I just wanted to
(01:08):
share about that in case youhave not seen that on my website
at all or haven't come across iton social media. Okay, so today
I'm going to be talking aboutEpisode 61 with Rachel Engstrom,
cancer wife, widow and never ourmother to be and Episode 62 with
(01:29):
Eric hodgdon, opening the doorto a parent's worst nightmare.
I'd like to start with Rachel'sepisode. And when I'm hearing
the stories of Grievers who comeon my podcast, I try to put
myself in their shoes andthrough their story, feel what
(01:50):
that might have been like to gothrough that experience. And
what struck me about Rachel'sstory is the time that from
diagnosis until her husbandpassed away and still holding on
to hope that entire time that hewould go into remission, and he
(02:14):
would be healthy again. But wenever really know, do we, when
our time is up, or when we'llreceive a diagnosis that could
drag on for years and years. Iknow people who are on dialysis
who have been on dialysis formany years for their kidneys.
(02:36):
And it takes a toll on people'smindset. This is where the human
spirit is remarkable in adaptingto our circumstances. Whether
(03:00):
you're a child who's beingabused, or an adult who's going
through a terminal illness, thehuman spirit learns to adapt.
And I think we find ourresourcefulness in times of
struggle and challenge. Andthat's just what Rachel and her
(03:24):
husband did. They found theirresourcefulness and had support
come in to help them. Herparents had lived with them for
quite some time during thatperiod. And I just imagine that
had they had kids at that time,that would have been even more
helpful. And I think we get soscared to ask for help and
(03:47):
support. In those times, wethink we can do it all, or we
should be doing it all. I thinkespecially as mothers and
nurtures, we think we should bedoing it all. And I personally
had many challenging timesasking for help and support of
(04:08):
others. And I'm only learningnow in my later years that
support is really where it's at.
Whether it's in grief, in ourgrief or in our businesses, just
bringing on support in and helpwhich I did this year which has
(04:30):
been incredible. So I think thatis probably one of the lessons
that I've learned in my griefrecovery and talking with other
gravers and hearing theirstories, is that it's in the
support that you find your ownstrength in a lot of ways
(04:52):
because when you are able totake a break, when you are able
tojust step back for a moment that
can help to recharge your ownbattery and tackle the next day.
So I think that's a hugetakeaway in Rachel's episode,
(05:13):
and in many episodes, but I justwanted to highlight that it's
important to ask for support,and whatever that looks like for
you. I love this one line towhere a friend of hers had told
her you can choose to be bitteror better. And that was kind of
a turning point for her. Shedidn't want to be bitter
(05:38):
anymore, she wanted to bebetter. And after her husband's
passing, started to pick up thepieces, and really wanted to
find some meaning in herexperience and ended up writing
the book (05:53):
wife, widow now what how I navigated the cancer world
and how you can too. And I'vetalked to many Grievers who,
through their stories, throughtheir experiences, you want to
find meaning for what you'vegone through, you want to make
(06:20):
something of it. And that's beenreally a common thread. And
also, among all of the gueststhat I've had, whether that's
helping others, or in a quietway, it doesn't have to be
writing a book or it doesn'thave to be becoming a grief
(06:40):
recovery specialist. It can justbe a more compassionate friend,
or spouse or what have you.
Because I do believe that themore challenging experiences of
our lives have the ability tomake us more compassionate
people towards others. And aftera year in of this podcast and
(07:07):
listening to people's stories,the other tip I would give to as
the quickest turnaround tofeeling better is to helping
others. And that was really aturning point for me personally
as well. And that's beenRachel's work as well. She's
really been an advocate foracute lymphoblastic leukemia
(07:28):
and, and really just cancer ingeneral she's really tried to
raise awareness and money aswell. So there are many people
doing amazing things in thisworld because of the challenges
they've experienced. And Rachelis one of them. There is another
aspect of Rachel story I want toshare in that what if someone in
(07:53):
your with whom you are in arelationship with is diagnosed
with a terminal illness, and youare, let's say the significant
other but it's been a less thanloving relationship. You're
probably going to experience alot of conflicting feelings
about that. There's a part ofyou that feels like you should
(08:14):
help that person, you should bethere for them till death do you
part, you would want the samefor yourself, you would want
that person to help you if itwere you or support you if it
was you that was diagnosed witha terminal illness. But truly,
(08:34):
if it's a less than lovingrelationship, I can see where
during Rachel's episode she hadmentioned that one of the nurses
had told her that 70% ofmarriages or couples separate
during cancer. And that struckme but in all honesty, it
(08:55):
doesn't surprise me because Ithink there are a lot of less
than loving relationships outthere. I think there are many
people who get into relationshipwho haven't healed their own
wounds. And so you have twopeople that come together with
their wounds, not healedemotional wounds. The other
(09:24):
person can be someone who'seither going to help you evolve
and grow and challenge you to dothat and maybe in hopefully you
do that together. Or you can belike the child that picks the
scab and you can do that foreach other where it's just kind
(09:48):
of a toxic thing. It's you don'tknow how to be with someone
else.
As long as you have this woundedinner child in you. And I think
we're just all walking woundedinner children, as adults, until
(10:08):
we recognize that our past andthe behaviors that we resort to
as adults, and the problems wesee in our lives, that are
usually repetitive. We findourselves in the same bad
relationships or you findyourself with the same cycle of
(10:29):
money issues time after time, oryou find yourself abusing
different substances, differentstage of life. These are the
things that are still there,when you get into relationship
(10:49):
with someone, marry someone,unless you can recognize and
have that awareness of what yourissues are, and you work through
them either together as acouple, to grow through it. Or
you work on that beforehand,which I highly recommend. I
would recommend to anybody whois thinking about getting
(11:12):
married, to go through griefrecovery. You know, they have
these pre-marriage classes andthings. But I think that the
most significant thing that youcan do for your future and your
future life with someone is towork on your own crap. And I
(11:33):
think that that's what griefrecovery offers. It's a gift to
you. But you have to be willingto do the work, of course, and
many people are not. And it'sjust where you're at at the
time. So you look for someoneelse to heal those wounds for
(11:55):
you, you looked for someone elseto give you the love that you
should be giving yourself. And Icould go on a tangent right now,
but I'm not, I just wanted tohighlight how can it be that in
a terminal diagnosis, couplescan just shatter. And I believe
(12:15):
that's why it's the straw thatbreaks the camel's back. There
is such a level of intimacy andstruggle for the person that is
both the supporter and thecaregiver, but also the person
who is the one that isdiagnosed. It's reckoning, it's
(12:42):
an awakening. I've never beendiagnosed with cancer, but I
imagine it is a great awakener.
And it's grief, it is grief.
Imagine the grief that it causessomeone to just have learned
while you have six months tolive. It is capable of knocking
(13:11):
the wind out of the sails andsinking the heart of even the
strongest person you know. And Ido think that how you've handled
challenges in your life beforethat experience or before that
diagnosis is a precursor to howyou handle the harder stuff that
(13:35):
comes your way. And maybethinking about how you've done
that in the past, how have youhandled challenging parts of
your life in the past. And doyou want to be emotionally
(13:56):
prepared? and I don't even knowthat anything can really prepare
you to be honest, I don't thinkanything can. Nothing can for
this life altering diagnosis,these changes, or these big
losses that we experienced, likeI'll talk about next with Eric
story, nothing can prepare youfor that. But I do feel there
(14:20):
are tools out there that canhelp to support you in
discerning what it is you needand helping you to become your
best advocate for yourself. Andwe will learn those things by
digging deep into ourselves. Andalso
(14:44):
I want to say that the worstthing is always what happened to
you because no matter what, youwill always experience it at
100%. There are no half Grieversout there. So just keep that in
mind. So please check outRachel's Episode 61: Life as a
Cancer Wife, Widow and Never aMother-to-Be because there's so
(15:07):
much more to her story than Ieven covered here today. But I
do like to keep these takeawaysepisodes kind of brief, there is
definitely more to his story. SoI hope you take a listen. Now
I'd like to share my takeawaysfrom Episode 62 with Eric
hodgdon, Opening the Door to aParent's Worst Nightmare. In
2014, his 15 year-old daughter,Zoey, had taken her own life.
(15:32):
And as he shared the story ofhow he learned about how that
was done, I listened sointently. And I could visualize
the story, I could visualize themoment as he was telling me, and
(15:53):
it literally broke my heart. Ihave a 16 year-old, a 14
year-old, and a 12 year-old, andjust even thinking about it
makes my eyes welled up. Icannot imagine that is why I
titled his episode, which Istruggled with, on what to title
(16:21):
it, but it really came to me,that would be any parent's worst
nightmare. It would just be yourworst nightmare. Doesn't matter
how it happened, but juststepping into your child's
bedroom, expecting them to be intheir bed, asleep, or falling
(16:42):
asleep. And just theunimaginable instead, is what
you find. It truly hurts myheart. So it was a difficult
episode for me to listen backwhen I had to edit it. But it's
(17:08):
so important for me that Ipersonally edit my episodes
because well one, it's usually afew months from editing. I'm
usually a few months out inediting from when we initially
record. And so I feel like Ineed to hear it again in order
to freshen up on the story andavoid it to be able to
(17:34):
articulate what it is that Ifelt when I first heard it. And
to hear it a second time becauseI hear every Grievers story a
second time when I go to edit. Iwalk away from editing, just
amazed with the tenacity of thehuman spirit. We can endure so
(18:01):
much more than I believe we giveourselves credit for. But in the
moment, and the moment of thatdeep despair and sorrow. It's
really hard to see three? five?
ten? years into the future,maybe even tomorrow. And this is
why I'm loving in doing thispodcast so much, that the people
(18:27):
who come on this podcast bringshope to other Grievers. But
here's the thing, if you werelistening to this podcast, that
is you too. That is you becauseyou can take so much more than I
(18:49):
think you give yourself creditfor. There comes a time where
you can only take so much. And Ithink that's when most people
seek out help and support. AndI'll come back to the first part
of this episode where I talkedabout support and help and how
important it is. But for Eric,and for many gravers, it does
(19:16):
take having this moment withinourselves, I meant for more
than this. My life is more thanthis, more than this sorrow,
more than this anger and morethan this pain.
(19:43):
I want my life to be fruitfuland thrive. I want to thrive and
I want to make something out ofthis crap that I've been handed.
I do think there are many haveus that come to that place to.
(20:04):
And unfortunately, there aremany who stay in that place of
sorrow and pain. And feel likethis is just how it is. This is
just what life is going to be.
This is my new normal, they saynow but it doesn't have to be.
You have so much power ofchoice. You don't even probably
(20:26):
realize it because grief doesmake us feel like we don't have
a choice. But we do. You do, youdo have a choice. And that's
what Eric talks a lot about inhis episode. There was a
defining moment where you feltlike he heard Zoi's voice. He
(20:47):
did. He said he heard Zoi'svoice. And she was in so many
words, I'm just paraphrasing,but just like "snap out of it,
Dad, snap out of it.". And whenwe are so deep in it, it's
really hard for us to do that.
(21:11):
Sometimes it's a prayer that youjust say out loud. And something
happens within you, somethingturns within you, something
flips. And that's really when mylife kind of flipped, when I
(21:31):
finally surrendered. And Istarted to pray. To be honest, I
hadn't stepped in a church andmany, many years. And it happens
differently for everybody. Itdoesn't happen for everybody, of
course, because there are manyGrievers out there who are still
(21:54):
feeling hopeless. Again, that'sthe premise of this whole
podcast, to bring hope topeople. I think it's fitting
that he titled his book, ASherpa named Zoi. And it's
because of what he has learnedabout himself through her, and
(22:14):
through that experience. And notto mention what he also learned
about Zoi herself throughstories that people shared with
him after her passing. So wehave an impact on people. And we
often just never realize it. Andthat was one of the things Eric
and I talked about. And it's sounfortunate that we don't feel
(22:34):
like we can share with otherpeople while we're alive and
well, how much that person meansto us, or how much impact they
have in our lives, or they havehad on our lives. And just
feeling this gratitude andexpressing it for what they
bring to our lives and what theymean to us and
(22:55):
being grateful for theconnection itself, because we
are beings that thrive onconnection. And again, it comes
back to the support and feelingsupported. And there's so many
people who I know, that walkthroughout their lives and don't
feel supported. And I can offermy support in a thousand
(23:19):
different ways. But as a person,they don't feel it within
themselves. That's a reallyunfortunate space to be in. And
I think a lot of it comes downto trust. We also have to trust
that we are supported. It has tocome within us first before we
can feel it from other people.
And that's what so many things,obviously, love, connection. If
(23:44):
we're feeling disconnected fromourselves, which often happens
in grief, how can we then feelconnected with others. Feeling
really begins when when we startwith that self exploration, when
it comes to grief, and want toshare a quote that Eric had
shared during the podcastepisode. And he said, "just
(24:05):
because your loved one losttheir life doesn't mean your
life is lost, too." And Ithought that was such a
beautiful, poignant thing. Andit's true. And that's easy for
me to say that it's true,because I haven't lived that
experience. So don't take itfrom me take it from Eric, who's
lived it. He's lived thatexperience. And many guests on
(24:30):
this podcast have lived throughterrible experiences. And if
they would have settled for thefact that their life was lost
too, their gifts that they couldhave given the world wouldn't be
out there. So let that settle ina minute. And just think about
(24:51):
what your hopes and dreams werebefore grief, before loss that
you've endured. What were theybefore? They're still there,
there's still life left to live.
And I hope that Eric's storygives you hope that it's still
possible to move forward. I hopeRachel story gives you hope that
(25:11):
it's still possible to create alife that you love, even if it's
the love you lost, even if it'syour child, Eric has become an
amazing mentor and leader inhelping others really find their
own strength through theirstruggle. And so I encourage you
to check out his website, youcan find it at erichodgdon.com.
(25:45):
And I think just looking at hiswebsite, you'll feel that he
really made something out ofthis tragic, terrible loss that
he's experienced. And there areso many tips too that he walks
through on our podcast episode.
He talked about the pressurethat teens feel today and shared
(26:07):
tips around that, as well asbeing a parent of a teen. It
really was a great, greatconversation. So I hope you
check it out. And I do hope,again, that you find hope in
through their stories. Like Ericsaid, gratitude played a huge
(26:30):
role in what he was experiencingwhen he was deep in his sorrow.
And he had to constantly remindhimself that gratitude of what
is in my life right now. And sothat is the question for you
today, what is in your liferight now that you can just feel
(26:51):
so grateful for? of what istoday in your life. And it was
thanks to him, actually, that heshared about the Five Minute
Journal, and I've now been usingit for three months. I love it,
I absolutely love it. It'sbecome part of my morning
(27:13):
regimen. And I highly recommendit. And I do link to that in the
show notes of Episode 62 of hisepisode, and I will link to it
here as well. So and as well asto the episodes, both 61 and 62.
You'll also find in the shownotes, and I, again, encourage
(27:35):
you to listen to those. Sothank you so much for listening
to today's takeaways andreflections episode. Again, I
remind you about the energy quizthat I shared about the
beginning. If you haven'tchecked it out, it's on my you
can find the link on my website.
It's a quick 10 question, lessthan two minutes, you'll have a
(28:00):
PDF that you can resource thatyou can use to figure out what
nurtures and what drains yourenergy, what your energy type
is. And I just am really proudof what I created with that. And
so I would love for you to enjoyit as well. And it's free.
(28:22):
That's you know, you're notgoing to get any further emails
from me. For my newsletter oranything like that, it's you're
just getting the guide. And ifyou wish to join my newsletter,
which is bi-weekly, every otherWednesday, which is filled with
content not shared anywhereelse. There is a link in the
(28:45):
show notes to that, if you wouldlike to join that. I would love
to have you in my sacred space Icall it it's where I share
things I don't share elsewhere.
So I'd be happy to have you.
Until next time, take care andremember, when you unleash your
heart you unleash your life.
Much love
Hello, and welcome to grieving voices. I am
(00:03):
your host, Victoria Volk of theunleashed heart and thank you
for being here. Today, before Iget into the episodes I'm going
to be talking about, I just wantto share about an energy quiz
that I've launched a littlewhile back. And if you haven't
gone to my website,theunleashedheart.com, you can
(00:25):
find a link for that either onthe top banner, or it should pop
up at some point. And it takesless than 90 seconds, it has 10
questions and at the end you'lldiscover your energy type, and
what to do with it, and how tonurture your energy type, what
(00:48):
drains it, all of that stuff. Ithink it's a very informative
quiz, and the results are veryinformative. And I think it
would be beneficial and helpfulespecially for Grievers who
often feel their energy beingdrained. And so I just wanted to
(01:08):
share about that in case youhave not seen that on my website
at all or haven't come across iton social media. Okay, so today
I'm going to be talking aboutEpisode 61 with Rachel Engstrom,
cancer wife, widow and never ourmother to be and Episode 62 with
(01:29):
Eric hodgdon, opening the doorto a parent's worst nightmare.
I'd like to start with Rachel'sepisode. And when I'm hearing
the stories of Grievers who comeon my podcast, I try to put
myself in their shoes andthrough their story, feel what
(01:50):
that might have been like to gothrough that experience. And
what struck me about Rachel'sstory is the time that from
diagnosis until her husbandpassed away and still holding on
to hope that entire time that hewould go into remission, and he
(02:14):
would be healthy again. But wenever really know, do we, when
our time is up, or when we'llreceive a diagnosis that could
drag on for years and years. Iknow people who are on dialysis
who have been on dialysis formany years for their kidneys.
(02:36):
And it takes a toll on people'smindset. This is where the human
spirit is remarkable in adaptingto our circumstances. Whether
(03:00):
you're a child who's beingabused, or an adult who's going
through a terminal illness, thehuman spirit learns to adapt.
And I think we find ourresourcefulness in times of
struggle and challenge. Andthat's just what Rachel and her
(03:24):
husband did. They found theirresourcefulness and had support
come in to help them. Herparents had lived with them for
quite some time during thatperiod. And I just imagine that
had they had kids at that time,that would have been even more
helpful. And I think we get soscared to ask for help and
(03:47):
support. In those times, wethink we can do it all, or we
should be doing it all. I thinkespecially as mothers and
nurtures, we think we should bedoing it all. And I personally
had many challenging timesasking for help and support of
(04:08):
others. And I'm only learningnow in my later years that
support is really where it's at.
Whether it's in grief, in ourgrief or in our businesses, just
bringing on support in and helpwhich I did this year which has
(04:30):
been incredible. So I think thatis probably one of the lessons
that I've learned in my griefrecovery and talking with other
gravers and hearing theirstories, is that it's in the
support that you find your ownstrength in a lot of ways
(04:52):
because when you are able totake a break, when you are able
tojust step back for a moment that
can help to recharge your ownbattery and tackle the next day.
So I think that's a hugetakeaway in Rachel's episode,
(05:13):
and in many episodes, but I justwanted to highlight that it's
important to ask for support,and whatever that looks like for
you. I love this one line towhere a friend of hers had told
her you can choose to be bitteror better. And that was kind of
a turning point for her. Shedidn't want to be bitter
(05:38):
anymore, she wanted to bebetter. And after her husband's
passing, started to pick up thepieces, and really wanted to
find some meaning in herexperience and ended up writing
the book (05:53):
wife, widow now what how I navigated the cancer world
and how you can too. And I'vetalked to many Grievers who,
through their stories, throughtheir experiences, you want to
find meaning for what you'vegone through, you want to make
(06:20):
something of it. And that's beenreally a common thread. And
also, among all of the gueststhat I've had, whether that's
helping others, or in a quietway, it doesn't have to be
writing a book or it doesn'thave to be becoming a grief
(06:40):
recovery specialist. It can justbe a more compassionate friend,
or spouse or what have you.
Because I do believe that themore challenging experiences of
our lives have the ability tomake us more compassionate
people towards others. And aftera year in of this podcast and
(07:07):
listening to people's stories,the other tip I would give to as
the quickest turnaround tofeeling better is to helping
others. And that was really aturning point for me personally
as well. And that's beenRachel's work as well. She's
really been an advocate foracute lymphoblastic leukemia
(07:28):
and, and really just cancer ingeneral she's really tried to
raise awareness and money aswell. So there are many people
doing amazing things in thisworld because of the challenges
they've experienced. And Rachelis one of them. There is another
aspect of Rachel story I want toshare in that what if someone in
(07:53):
your with whom you are in arelationship with is diagnosed
with a terminal illness, and youare, let's say the significant
other but it's been a less thanloving relationship. You're
probably going to experience alot of conflicting feelings
about that. There's a part ofyou that feels like you should
(08:14):
help that person, you should bethere for them till death do you
part, you would want the samefor yourself, you would want
that person to help you if itwere you or support you if it
was you that was diagnosed witha terminal illness. But truly,
(08:34):
if it's a less than lovingrelationship, I can see where
during Rachel's episode she hadmentioned that one of the nurses
had told her that 70% ofmarriages or couples separate
during cancer. And that struckme but in all honesty, it
(08:55):
doesn't surprise me because Ithink there are a lot of less
than loving relationships outthere. I think there are many
people who get into relationshipwho haven't healed their own
wounds. And so you have twopeople that come together with
their wounds, not healedemotional wounds. The other
(09:24):
person can be someone who'seither going to help you evolve
and grow and challenge you to dothat and maybe in hopefully you
do that together. Or you can belike the child that picks the
scab and you can do that foreach other where it's just kind
(09:48):
of a toxic thing. It's you don'tknow how to be with someone
else.
As long as you have this woundedinner child in you. And I think
we're just all walking woundedinner children, as adults, until
(10:08):
we recognize that our past andthe behaviors that we resort to
as adults, and the problems wesee in our lives, that are
usually repetitive. We findourselves in the same bad
relationships or you findyourself with the same cycle of
(10:29):
money issues time after time, oryou find yourself abusing
different substances, differentstage of life. These are the
things that are still there,when you get into relationship
(10:49):
with someone, marry someone,unless you can recognize and
have that awareness of what yourissues are, and you work through
them either together as acouple, to grow through it. Or
you work on that beforehand,which I highly recommend. I
would recommend to anybody whois thinking about getting
(11:12):
married, to go through griefrecovery. You know, they have
these pre-marriage classes andthings. But I think that the
most significant thing that youcan do for your future and your
future life with someone is towork on your own crap. And I
(11:33):
think that that's what griefrecovery offers. It's a gift to
you. But you have to be willingto do the work, of course, and
many people are not. And it'sjust where you're at at the
time. So you look for someoneelse to heal those wounds for
(11:55):
you, you looked for someone elseto give you the love that you
should be giving yourself. And Icould go on a tangent right now,
but I'm not, I just wanted tohighlight how can it be that in
a terminal diagnosis, couplescan just shatter. And I believe
(12:15):
that's why it's the straw thatbreaks the camel's back. There
is such a level of intimacy andstruggle for the person that is
both the supporter and thecaregiver, but also the person
who is the one that isdiagnosed. It's reckoning, it's
(12:42):
an awakening. I've never beendiagnosed with cancer, but I
imagine it is a great awakener.
And it's grief, it is grief.
Imagine the grief that it causessomeone to just have learned
while you have six months tolive. It is capable of knocking
(13:11):
the wind out of the sails andsinking the heart of even the
strongest person you know. And Ido think that how you've handled
challenges in your life beforethat experience or before that
diagnosis is a precursor to howyou handle the harder stuff that
(13:35):
comes your way. And maybethinking about how you've done
that in the past, how have youhandled challenging parts of
your life in the past. And doyou want to be emotionally
(13:56):
prepared? and I don't even knowthat anything can really prepare
you to be honest, I don't thinkanything can. Nothing can for
this life altering diagnosis,these changes, or these big
losses that we experienced, likeI'll talk about next with Eric
story, nothing can prepare youfor that. But I do feel there
(14:20):
are tools out there that canhelp to support you in
discerning what it is you needand helping you to become your
best advocate for yourself. Andwe will learn those things by
digging deep into ourselves. Andalso
(14:44):
I want to say that the worstthing is always what happened to
you because no matter what, youwill always experience it at
100%. There are no half Grieversout there. So just keep that in
mind. So please check outRachel's Episode 61: Life as a
Cancer Wife, Widow and Never aMother-to-Be because there's so
(15:07):
much more to her story than Ieven covered here today. But I
do like to keep these takeawaysepisodes kind of brief, there is
definitely more to his story. SoI hope you take a listen. Now
I'd like to share my takeawaysfrom Episode 62 with Eric
hodgdon, Opening the Door to aParent's Worst Nightmare. In
2014, his 15 year-old daughter,Zoey, had taken her own life.
(15:32):
And as he shared the story ofhow he learned about how that
was done, I listened sointently. And I could visualize
the story, I could visualize themoment as he was telling me, and
(15:53):
it literally broke my heart. Ihave a 16 year-old, a 14
year-old, and a 12 year-old, andjust even thinking about it
makes my eyes welled up. Icannot imagine that is why I
titled his episode, which Istruggled with, on what to title
(16:21):
it, but it really came to me,that would be any parent's worst
nightmare. It would just be yourworst nightmare. Doesn't matter
how it happened, but juststepping into your child's
bedroom, expecting them to be intheir bed, asleep, or falling
(16:42):
asleep. And just theunimaginable instead, is what
you find. It truly hurts myheart. So it was a difficult
episode for me to listen backwhen I had to edit it. But it's
(17:08):
so important for me that Ipersonally edit my episodes
because well one, it's usually afew months from editing. I'm
usually a few months out inediting from when we initially
record. And so I feel like Ineed to hear it again in order
to freshen up on the story andavoid it to be able to
(17:34):
articulate what it is that Ifelt when I first heard it. And
to hear it a second time becauseI hear every Grievers story a
second time when I go to edit. Iwalk away from editing, just
amazed with the tenacity of thehuman spirit. We can endure so
(18:01):
much more than I believe we giveourselves credit for. But in the
moment, and the moment of thatdeep despair and sorrow. It's
really hard to see three? five?
ten? years into the future,maybe even tomorrow. And this is
why I'm loving in doing thispodcast so much, that the people
(18:27):
who come on this podcast bringshope to other Grievers. But
here's the thing, if you werelistening to this podcast, that
is you too. That is you becauseyou can take so much more than I
(18:49):
think you give yourself creditfor. There comes a time where
you can only take so much. And Ithink that's when most people
seek out help and support. AndI'll come back to the first part
of this episode where I talkedabout support and help and how
important it is. But for Eric,and for many gravers, it does
(19:16):
take having this moment withinourselves, I meant for more
than this. My life is more thanthis, more than this sorrow,
more than this anger and morethan this pain.
(19:43):
I want my life to be fruitfuland thrive. I want to thrive and
I want to make something out ofthis crap that I've been handed.
I do think there are many haveus that come to that place to.
(20:04):
And unfortunately, there aremany who stay in that place of
sorrow and pain. And feel likethis is just how it is. This is
just what life is going to be.
This is my new normal, they saynow but it doesn't have to be.
You have so much power ofchoice. You don't even probably
(20:26):
realize it because grief doesmake us feel like we don't have
a choice. But we do. You do, youdo have a choice. And that's
what Eric talks a lot about inhis episode. There was a
defining moment where you feltlike he heard Zoi's voice. He
(20:47):
did. He said he heard Zoi'svoice. And she was in so many
words, I'm just paraphrasing,but just like "snap out of it,
Dad, snap out of it.". And whenwe are so deep in it, it's
really hard for us to do that.
(21:11):
Sometimes it's a prayer that youjust say out loud. And something
happens within you, somethingturns within you, something
flips. And that's really when mylife kind of flipped, when I
(21:31):
finally surrendered. And Istarted to pray. To be honest, I
hadn't stepped in a church andmany, many years. And it happens
differently for everybody. Itdoesn't happen for everybody, of
course, because there are manyGrievers out there who are still
(21:54):
feeling hopeless. Again, that'sthe premise of this whole
podcast, to bring hope topeople. I think it's fitting
that he titled his book, ASherpa named Zoi. And it's
because of what he has learnedabout himself through her, and
(22:14):
through that experience. And notto mention what he also learned
about Zoi herself throughstories that people shared with
him after her passing. So wehave an impact on people. And we
often just never realize it. Andthat was one of the things Eric
and I talked about. And it's sounfortunate that we don't feel
(22:34):
like we can share with otherpeople while we're alive and
well, how much that person meansto us, or how much impact they
have in our lives, or they havehad on our lives. And just
feeling this gratitude andexpressing it for what they
bring to our lives and what theymean to us and
(22:55):
being grateful for theconnection itself, because we
are beings that thrive onconnection. And again, it comes
back to the support and feelingsupported. And there's so many
people who I know, that walkthroughout their lives and don't
feel supported. And I can offermy support in a thousand
(23:19):
different ways. But as a person,they don't feel it within
themselves. That's a reallyunfortunate space to be in. And
I think a lot of it comes downto trust. We also have to trust
that we are supported. It has tocome within us first before we
can feel it from other people.
And that's what so many things,obviously, love, connection. If
(23:44):
we're feeling disconnected fromourselves, which often happens
in grief, how can we then feelconnected with others. Feeling
really begins when when we startwith that self exploration, when
it comes to grief, and want toshare a quote that Eric had
shared during the podcastepisode. And he said, "just
(24:05):
because your loved one losttheir life doesn't mean your
life is lost, too." And Ithought that was such a
beautiful, poignant thing. Andit's true. And that's easy for
me to say that it's true,because I haven't lived that
experience. So don't take itfrom me take it from Eric, who's
lived it. He's lived thatexperience. And many guests on
(24:30):
this podcast have lived throughterrible experiences. And if
they would have settled for thefact that their life was lost
too, their gifts that they couldhave given the world wouldn't be
out there. So let that settle ina minute. And just think about
(24:51):
what your hopes and dreams werebefore grief, before loss that
you've endured. What were theybefore? They're still there,
there's still life left to live.
And I hope that Eric's storygives you hope that it's still
possible to move forward. I hopeRachel story gives you hope that
(25:11):
it's still possible to create alife that you love, even if it's
the love you lost, even if it'syour child, Eric has become an
amazing mentor and leader inhelping others really find their
own strength through theirstruggle. And so I encourage you
to check out his website, youcan find it at erichodgdon.com.
(25:45):
And I think just looking at hiswebsite, you'll feel that he
really made something out ofthis tragic, terrible loss that
he's experienced. And there areso many tips too that he walks
through on our podcast episode.
He talked about the pressurethat teens feel today and shared
(26:07):
tips around that, as well asbeing a parent of a teen. It
really was a great, greatconversation. So I hope you
check it out. And I do hope,again, that you find hope in
through their stories. Like Ericsaid, gratitude played a huge
(26:30):
role in what he was experiencingwhen he was deep in his sorrow.
And he had to constantly remindhimself that gratitude of what
is in my life right now. And sothat is the question for you
today, what is in your liferight now that you can just feel
(26:51):
so grateful for? of what istoday in your life. And it was
thanks to him, actually, that heshared about the Five Minute
Journal, and I've now been usingit for three months. I love it,
I absolutely love it. It'sbecome part of my morning
(27:13):
regimen. And I highly recommendit. And I do link to that in the
show notes of Episode 62 of hisepisode, and I will link to it
here as well. So and as well asto the episodes, both 61 and 62.
You'll also find in the shownotes, and I, again, encourage
(27:35):
you to listen to those. Sothank you so much for listening
to today's takeaways andreflections episode. Again, I
remind you about the energy quizthat I shared about the
beginning. If you haven'tchecked it out, it's on my you
can find the link on my website.
It's a quick 10 question, lessthan two minutes, you'll have a
(28:00):
PDF that you can resource thatyou can use to figure out what
nurtures and what drains yourenergy, what your energy type
is. And I just am really proudof what I created with that. And
so I would love for you to enjoyit as well. And it's free.
(28:22):
That's you know, you're notgoing to get any further emails
from me. For my newsletter oranything like that, it's you're
just getting the guide. And ifyou wish to join my newsletter,
which is bi-weekly, every otherWednesday, which is filled with
content not shared anywhereelse. There is a link in the
(28:45):
show notes to that, if you wouldlike to join that. I would love
to have you in my sacred space Icall it it's where I share
things I don't share elsewhere.
So I'd be happy to have you.
Until next time, take care andremember, when you unleash your
heart you unleash your life.
Much love
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